“This is a prime minister who has been accused of breaking a law that he himself set; it could not be more serious”(Ian Blackford)
The Waiting Game
Sleeping later than planned Monday, I rushed round, took piles of rubbish out, and picked up the laptop to a flurry of e-mails. I replied to one from the owner of Valley Life agreeing to contribute during 2022, posted a haiga (see below)i and draft-posted the journal before scoffing lunch and preparing for a dental appointment. Too cold and damp to walk to the next village, I went for an earlier bus than necessary. Two didn’t turn up. I rang the surgery to explain and they agreed to see me late. The waiting room empty, I was told the dentist was with another patient when I saw him gabbing with staff. X-rays required after not visiting for 2 years, I inwardly laughed when they switched the machine on and ran away, leaving me to be zapped! I eschewed a visit to Sainsbury’s, and crossed to the bus stop. The church clock looming in the gloom attested to another lengthy wait. Unable to use my return ticket on the first bus, a convoy of school buses sailed by, then a swarm of schoolkids infested the queue until the right bus eventually came. Inevitably packed, I perched on the edge of a seat, silently fuming at loud-mouthed mask-less little monsters! Unable to stand them any longer, I alighted early and hurried the back way to the co-op for a couple of items. Moody, cold and tired, I slumped on the sofa before dragging myself upstairs to warm up.
Daily LFTs for 100,000 critical workers began. IKEA cut sick pay for unvaccinated staff required to self-isolate, as did Next later in the week. The UKHSA and Covid Taskfarce looked at reducing self-isolation to 5 days, like the US. Boris said he’d follow the evidence. The Glove-puppet thought it too soon to say the Omicron wave was abating. After getting stuck in a lift at BBC HQ, he joked that WA1 wasn’t satire. He planned forcing developers to pay to replace cladding on shorter tower blocks. Nandy said he didn’t address all the safety issues. Novax was granted a visa but his dishonesty and the toing and froing of Australian officials, created embarrassment all round. A competition to invent a platinum pudding for the queen required something simple, elegant and flavoursome. “How about angel delight?” giggled Phil.
Tuesday, I was irked at another late start, a lost sock and Phil handwashing a jumper after putting a load in the machine. He berated my nagging and I sulked, posted the journal and replied to a message from The Researcher; illness explaining the wait to hear from her. She seemed delighted with my draft takeover blog. Still grieving for a lost Monday afternoon thanks to WY Metro, I stayed in to catch up on writing while Phil kindly offered to shop. In a week when Souter Hole in Whitburn, Sunderland, grew into a sunken beach, Digging for Britain featured a whole Ichthyosaur fossil (or sea dragon) unearthed in Rutland and an iron age village which evolved into a wealthy Roman settlement discovered under HS2 in Northants.
379 deaths, 3,000 kids and 1 in 12 teachers off school due to covid, Sturgeon said masks could be the norm in Scotland for the foreseeable future but more spectators would be allowed at outdoor sports from next week. WHO regional director Dr, Hans Kluge said over half of Europeans would catch Omicron in the next 2 months, while his colleague Dr Nabarro said the end was in sight if we respected the virus and reacted quickly to surges (occurring every 3-4 months) and David Heymann of the London School of Tropical Medicine thought the UK could soon reach endemic status. A leaked e-mail from Martin Reynolds invited 100 people to a BYOB Downing Street garden party 20th May 2020, the same day we were told we could meet 1 person outside. Boris and Carrie allegedly joined 40 attendees. Even diehard blues sick of the smirks and ‘serial lying’, there were renewed calls for the PM to resign. Would his PPS be the fall guy? Rayner asked urgent questions in the commons. The Bumbler unsurprisingly absent despite no appointments, paymaster general Michael Ellis took the flak, saying there was ‘absolutely no indication’ his boss knowingly misled parliament and urged MPs awaited the inquiry results. Ian Blackford attacked ‘a PM’ accused of breaking a law that he himself set.
Ovo blogged ways to keep warm including doing star jumps, cleaning, eating porridge and cuddling pets. I did most of them; maybe I should get a dog! They later apologised for ‘poorly judged and unhelpful’ content, sacked ¼ of their workforce and shut 7 of 10 offices. The Minimum hourly wage for remaining staff was upped to £12. Putin claimed to have suppressed the ‘foreign coup’ in Kazakhstan.
Dead Man Walking
Sleeping well, I enthusiastically set about hoovering the living room Wednesday, impeded by unravelled floor cushion tassel threads festooning the floor. Partygate inevitably dominated PMQs for a second week. Starting with a sham apology, The Bumbler admitted getting ‘somethings wrong’, although the Number 10 garden was ‘an extension of the office’. He went out to thank staff at what he thought was a work event 20th May, but ‘with hindsight’, he should have sent them back in and found another way to say thanks. He said sorry to those who’d lost people and directed MPs to Sue Gray’s inquiry. Not thinking to reference his ‘captain hindsight’ moniker, Keir called Boris ‘a man whose ran out of road’, and the excuse he didn’t know it was a party pathetic (yes, especially as he got the e-mail!) and asked would he do the decent thing and resign? In response to a load of Boris Bluster, Keir asked was he ‘so contemptuous’ he thought he could ride it out? Boris insisted he was aware of the public’s sacrifices and understood their anger, repeated ‘bitter regret’ and awaiting the inquiry report. Keir listed previous high-profile resignations and wondered why the PM still thought the rules didn’t apply to him? After Boris repeated himself, Kier cried: “it’s not working!” Boris called Keir’s facts ‘wrong’ but accepted ‘they’ did wrong, with the caveat: ‘we thought we acted within the guidance’ and suggested as a lawyer, Keir should respect the process. Kier responded ‘a series of ridiculous denials’ meant ‘the party’s over.’ Ian Blackford echoed calls for Boris’ removal from office. Later on, Sir Roger Gale marked his leader ‘a dead man walking’ and Douglas Ross (head of the Scottish tories) submitted a vote of no confidence letter to the 1922 committee. On Newsnight, Rees-Moggy insisted Boris was humble and sincere, showed great leadership in getting ‘the big things right’ and dubbed Douglas Ross a ‘lightweight’.
Turning to writing projects, I replied to another e-mail from The Researcher. Developing head fug, I failed to rest. In a long episodic dream that night, I married a murderer, escaped and attended a weird conference involving in a laser fight with red-hooded figures. It was probably inspired by the magical Witcher on Netflix.
Concluding a case brought by The Good Law Project and Everydoctor, The High Court ruled awarding government contracts via a ‘VIP fast lane’ unlawful. However, it was likely Pestfix and Ayanda Capital would’ve won the bids as they offered large volumes of PPE at a critical time. Hmm! Weren’t the masks from Ayanda chucked as unsafe? Ministers said the fast track would stay for possible future emergencies. Rayner claimed it was clear the cabinet office didn’t have the resources to conduct proper due diligence. Smart motorways were paused for 5 years to gather more safety data. How many deaths did they need? GoFundMe donations enabled Alan Gosling to buy more ducks.
Dead Meat
Stripping the bed Thursday, I opened the window in sunshine, shook blankets out and Phil changed sheets while I bathed. I uploaded photos via a Google drive link from The Researcher. The takeover post looking good, I thanked her for kind words and links to my other blogs. She later proposed meeting for a beer sometime.ii I left a sluggish laptop updating and went to town, tarrying in the sweet shop to admire diminutive pottery houses made by a customer. At the market, I waited at the fish van for a woman to bafflingly ask if they could get seaweed for her daughter’s school project. A woman passing the pizza stall opposite the veg stall asked: “Coma stai?” The hipster mumbled a reply. “Non parli Italiano?” He smiled inanely. After she’d gone, I asked did he know what she’d said. He reckoned she was Romanian to which I remarked she spoke Italian. He insisted he knew that but obviously didn’t understand her. I enjoyed an informative chat in the deli on different dal varieties before struggling home where Phil belatedly offered help after I’d carted bags to the kitchen.
While covid hospitalisations rose in the north, cases fell in London and the South East. Encouraged by UKHSA data showing 2/3 no longer infectious after 5 days, Goblin Saj reduced self-isolation requirements accordingly (with negative tests). Reckoning people were most contagious 3-6 days after contracting covid, Prof. Reicher queried: “how is this following the science?” Boris pulled out of visiting a jab centre, ostensibly because a family member tested positive. Hiding more like! Despite his approval rating sinking to 23% after his phoney apology, senior tories rallied round, urging critics to await findings of the inquiry before judging. Scotland Yard in ‘ongoing contact’ with the cabinet office, The Times predicted no evidence of criminality would be found. Deputy CMO Van Dam notably made no mention of the PM when announcing he was leaving his secondment at the end of March to become pro-vice chancellor at Nottingham University. Fans implored a streetcar in the city be named Jonathan Van-Tram. Feargel Sharkey re-appeared on BBC Breakfast to tell us all English rivers were polluted and quote “study to be quiet.” Sound advice! A man on QT complained M&S renaming midget gems was ‘people sitting around thinking of ideas.’ He obviously never had an idea in his life! On Newscast, phone-in radio hosts reported a sea of disapproval to downing it in Downing Street. Excuses put forward by the odd defender centred on the rules being too strict. If they were too strict for them, they were too strict for those who stuck to them. Clamours for the reimbursement of fines ensued.
Friday, I left Phil sat on the bed doing tiny work to clean the bathroom of mysterious dross and work on the laptop. Again a brilliant start, the sun had sunk behind the hills but it stayed pleasant as I headed to the co-op. A nice lad assisted my hunt for products to use a member’s offer and put me in the mood for a jest with my mate at the kiosk. I remarked the hot cross buns would be stale by Easter. He assured me they’d be long gone by then and joked about being crucified. By the time I thought of a come-back, the moment had passed. Phil arrived to help at the till where I realised I had enough member’s points for a free shop.
Former Covid Taskfarce DG Kate Joseph tweeted a statement on attending drinks 17th December to mark her departure from the cabinet office. Rage mounted with revelations of two Downing Street parties 16th April 2021. Staff bought a suitcase-load of wine from an all-night shop. Ex-comms aide James Slack apologised ‘for the anger and hurt caused’ by his boozy leaving do. Number 10 expressed ‘deep regret’ it happened on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Was the queen bothered after stripping Prince Andrew of his royal and military titles? Keir responded Boris should’ve offered HRM a resignation, not a sorry. Instead, the dead mad drew up Operation Big Dog, a list of officials in line to tender resignations to save his own skin. So much for relying on Sue Gray’s inquiry! The list of booze-ups at number 10 growing daily, Phil observed: “No wonder this government’s’ a shower of shit. They’re drunk every day!” Tobias Ellwood said he should lead or leave but Liz Truss wished we’d ‘move on’. What to? Brexit? Cos that’s going swimmingly! GDP recovered to pre-pandemic levels before Omicron hit in November. Tesco kept on 13,000 Christmas staff to cover self-isolating colleagues. 32 migrants rescued from The English Channel near Berck, Calais, a Sudanese man died of hypothermia.
Tipsy on after-dinner wine, we laughed at Wheel of Time (it’s no Witcher) and Dmitry Kokh’s photos of polar bears living in buildings on the abandoned Soviet era meteorological station, Kolyuchin Island. Posing in the garden without wine and cheese, I bet they didn’t need a Verisure alarm! iii
For the third day running, Saturday started dazzlingly, with hoar frost prettifying hilltop trees. Stressed at a greasy mess on the draining board from Phil’s late washing up, I kept schtum until he fiddled with the curtains trying to block sunlight from the telly.
He answered my tirade with a promise to clear up the oil slick, which he fulfilled. I hurried to dress as the sun waned and the scene turned grey and cold. Not inclined to go out, Phil started spring cleaning the kitchen, making the hearth gleam. I considered contributing but got distracted by a film, and then it was dark. Sunday drab, we abandoned plans for a walk and continued spring cleaning the kitchen, managing to not get in each other’s way too much. Pissed off at lack of outdoor photo opportunities, we snapped a Christmas cactus. The belated blooms served as a haiga subject. Leeds United back on form, we were treated to a series of goals in quick succession on MOTD resulting in a win against West Ham who knocked them out of the FA cup the previous weekend.
Following admissions of lying on forms and having meetings when infected, Australia again revoked Novax’s visa and detained him as a threat to public health until a court hearing (of law, not tennis) got him deported Sunday. Eruptions of the tongue-twistingly named Hunga-Tonga Hunga Ha’apai volcano led to a mile-high tsunami on the tiny island nation of Tonga. As Brits went missing, some idiots tried surfing the wave.
Hot on the heels of Operation Big Dog, a raft of policy announcements emerged over the weekend such as giving the army powers to intercept vessels in The Channel, abolishing the BBC licence fee and banning booze at Number 10. Err, why couldn’t the PM just do that in his own house? Referring to ‘industrial scale partying’, Keir repeated calls for The Bumbler’s resignation. Operation Red Meat a blatant distraction technique, Phil quipped: “Operation Dead Meat more like!” Maybe we should feed him to the polar bears!
References:
i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com
ii. Takeover blog: https://www.ruraldiaryproject.uk/rituals/confined-walks
iii. Polar bears in houses: https://petapixel.com/2022/01/13/photographer-finds-polar-bears-that-took-over-abandoned-buildings/
The Corvus Diaries 