“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)
Bereaved Families
The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.
Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.
On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.
Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.
At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!
Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.
The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.
As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.
The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.
All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.
Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”
Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.
Boris in GTFC Bobble Hat
Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.
Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.
Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.
On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.
Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.
In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.
Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!
Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.
The NHS’ 75th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.
*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:
Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)
Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).
**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘
“Suella Braverman’s use of the word hurricane is intentional. It presents people as a threat, making it easy to commit acts of barbarism against (them). It’s sinister, it’s shocking, that that language is used by our Home Secretary” (Emma Dabiri)
Rishi Word Cloud
Vowing to review ‘hair-brained schemes’ such as ULEZ, Rishi Rich went to a scruffy-looking Salford 1st October to squirm as Laura K. quizzed him on tory Cornwall council wanting 20 mph zones, electioneering and HS2. Party members leaving in droves, including nice capitalist Richard Walker, minister’s conference speeches were shifted to a small auditorium but Shatts still had to fill the front row with aides.
Gill Keegan proposed to ban mobile phones in schools. Concrete crumbling and kids falling behind in their development due to covid lockdowns, it was good to know she was focused on the real priorities! The C**t said he’d raise the national living wage to £11, strengthen benefit sanctions and freeze civil service recruitment to cut £63,000 jobs, saving £1bn in 2024. Swellen warned of a hurricane of mass migration. Raucously applauded by acolytes, others railed at her reckless language. Alicia Kearns advised caution in the use of words. Totally delusional Trussed-Up Liz tipped up to urge ‘New Conservatives’ (yet another splinter group) to ‘unleash their inner conservative’.* She and Nasty Patel praised ‘disrupter’ GB news for taking on the establishment. Eh? They were the establishment! More enthusiastic clapping was followed by a Twitter backlash likening it to 1984. Patel then went dancing with Farage. The horror of the Nasty Duo could never be unseen!
Channel 4’s film Partygate brought some light relief. Its focus on the antics of Number 10 aides amusing, it shied away from implicating ministers. No doubt lawyers had something to do with that.
Having promised to make a ‘considered decision’ on HS2, Rishi used his conference speech, ironically in an old Manchester train station, to confirm scrapping the northern leg. The saved £36bn would be reinvested in transport infrastructure across the country such as ‘network north’ links, electrified train lines, Leeds trams and a new Bradford station – again! Pleasing Lee Anderthal who though HS2 ‘a load of nonsense’ and lauded by the faithful, he was lambasted by everyone else. Ex-PMs Boris and Camoron believed cancelling a project with cross-party consensus wrong and Will Wragg tweeted there was only one thing worse than a white elephant; half a white elephant. Tory mayor Andy Street who’d joined The Bunman in pleading for it not to be scrapped, almost resigned. Bunman was livid at treating northerners as second class citizens by making such a big announcement at conference. Tracy Bin called it a betrayal and Henri Murrison of Northern Powerhouse Partnership called it a ‘national economic tragedy’. The Budget destined to outlive Rishi’s tenure, he subsequently claimed the projects (some of which had already been built) were ‘illustrative’. Government unwilling to put a figure on funds available in the near future, they insisted HS2 would still reach Euston. It then emerged that was fully dependent on private investment. So like all Rishi’s decisions, money was the overriding factor, explaining the damning word cloud Laura K. confronted him with.
HS2 Cartoon by Matt
Despite Rishi reciting a gammon wish-list and idiotically saying ‘a man is a man, a woman is a woman, it’s just common sense’, even Daily Mail readers weren’t happy. Perhaps, like the rest of us, they didn’t believe any of the promised projects would actually happen or maybe they preferred the Nasty Duo.
Suspended over breaking coronavirus laws, Margaret Ferrier had been removed as Rutherglen MP and labour won the seat 5th October by a landslide. On QT, red wall tory Dick Holden denied Swellen’s rhetoric sounded like Enoch Powell. Irish writer Emma Dabiri considered it ’intentional, sinister and shocking’. After saying tories had ‘drifted out of touch’ during the cost of living crisis, failed to conserve the economy, high street, farming, rivers and seas, zero carbon obligations, schools or the NHS, Richard Walker expanded on why he left the party. He was also worried shopworkers, with already enough to do, would have to enforce new smoking laws. Emma Dabiri ended the programme talking about hyper-normalisation; the old Nazi trick of replacing the real narrative with a fake, simple one. Yep, that was what was happening alright!
On Laura K. 8th October, Curry’s boss Alex Baldock decried daft planning laws – the Chinese built a whole railway in the time it took to build a single UK factory. At the labour conference in Liverpool, Steve Reed told a fringe meeting tories were shit. Although her boss said a mess of ‘rehashed old promises’ rendered a future labour government re-committing to HS2 impossible, Reeves promised a review of the fiasco as well as a Covid Corruption Commissioner to recoup money, and a rebuilt Britain when she was chancellor.
In his oration, Keir said we’d had 13 years of things can only get better followed by 13 years of things getting worse but Britain could heal and get its future back. His new labour meant an end to sticking-plaster politics, a proper plan to fix tomorrow’s problems today, no more gesture politics and a party of service putting the country first. Promising big, he cautioned it needed a decade’s hard work – i.e., jam tomorrow. I doubt he won over the gammons with his plans to bulldoze local opposition to build 1.5 m houses. Jacketless and hair sparkling, he’d been pranked by a posh boy shouting about true democracy. The protestor was dragged out and put in a police van. We wondered what the charge was. Glittering in a public place?**
Glittering in a Public Place
*At a NewsXchange conference in Dublin a few months ago, Truss referred to the lettuce outlasting her Downing Street tenure as ‘puerile’ rather than real journalism. A bit rich seeing as she wasn‘t a real PM!
** People Demand Democracy (‘friends’ of JSO) later claimed responsibility.
“Boris Johnson has been allowed to hand out gongs to his partygate pals and Rishi Sunak has just waved it through” (Daisy Cooper)
Jingle and Mingle Invite
Late May 2023, Cabinet Office (CO) found entries in Boris’ ministerial diary showing family and friends met at Chequers June 2020-May 2021. A clear breach of lockdown rules, they handed it to Thames Valley police. Livid that material was given to cops, The Bumbler called it ‘bizarre’ and appointed new lawyers to represent him at the covid inquiry. The inquiry requested his WhatsApp messages unredacted. CO argued they were irrelevant but Baroness Halibut said non-compliance was a criminal offence. CO then claimed to not have all the notebooks, diaries and messages in question. Boris insisted they did. Was he dobbing on Rishi Rich or was Rishi being protected over ‘eat out to die out’ or his own flouting of lockdown rules? The deadline for submission of documents or witness statements from senior officials explaining why not extended to 4.00 p.m. 1st June, the CO sent the inquiry a letter instead saying they were bringing a judicial review. It then transpired there were no messages predating May 2021, when, it turned out, it was discovered Boris’ phone number had been public for 15 years so he got a new one. Labour suspecting a coverup, Number 10 denied it. Boris then said he’d provide unedited messages direct to the inquiry and asked CO to help access those from his old phone. CO lawyers subsequently warned he risked losing publicly-funded legal advice for ‘knowingly’ frustrating or undermining the government position. Why were taxpayers forking out for it in the first place? Doing the media rounds, a faceless tory minister said WhatsApp was private, not official (so don’t use it to set up meetings!) and ex-lawyer Robert Jerk claimed it wasn’t ‘common practice’ for an inquiry rather than government to decide what was relevant. Since when?
On an annual stateside visit to keep his green card, Rishi went to Washington early June to suck up to Uncle Joe and be mistakenly dubbed Mr President. Discussing co-operation but not free trade, Andrew Neil informed Newscast the so-called Atlantic Deal was designed to stop China beating the west on tech – according to the Yanks, the UK was the only European country that could do so. Rishi’s jaunt meant missing a fourth PMQs. Rayner quizzed Dowdy on the covid inquiry, which he said they’d furnished with all the resources to ‘learn the lessons’. She retorted working people wouldn’t thank them for spending hundreds of thousands on ‘loophole lawyers’. Boris’ long-awaited honours list was published the next day. Amongst other pals, it made Nasty Patel a dame, Rees-Moggy a knight, Shaun Bailey, Simon Clarke and Jack Doyle peers, gave Dan Rosenfield a CBE, Ben Mallett an OBE and Martin Reynolds – who sent invites to the notorious lockdown number 10 garden party – Order of the Bath. More evidence later emerged of 30 of Shaun Bailey’s mayoral campaign aides invited to ‘jingle and mingle’ at tory HQ 14th December 2020. Ben Mallet said he didn’t send the invite but was captured on video falling onto the lavish party buffeti.
Not on the list, Dreadful Doris resigned as an MP in a fit of pique then changed her mind. Rayner was incandescent at rewards doled out to those who broke covid rules and ‘toady’ Rishi granting “prizes to this carousel of cronies.” Daisy Cooper agreed. It was later suggested HOLAC* blocked peerages for Doris and Nigel Adams, and Rishi claimed The Bumbler bade he overrule them. Warned it could mean more by-elections, Rishi reportedly said ‘so be it’. Boris called it all rubbish. Then Nigel resigned from his Selby and Ainsty seat. Not technically possible for an MP to resign, we wondered what the hell was going on!ii
A letter from The Privileges Committee saying he misled parliament and recommending a lengthy suspension, late Friday 9th June, Boris resigned with immediate effect (for now). In a verbose statement, he railed at a ‘kangaroo court’ and a ‘witch hunt’ to drive him out over Brexit. Most members tories, a flummoxed Chair Harman blasted back he “impugned the integrity of The House.” Silly Bob still wished he was PM while from a ‘beautiful’ Ashton (according to Charlie Stayt), Rayner named him a coward for not staying to face the consequences or contest the findings before publication – delayed in light of Boris’ rebuttal, amounting to contempt of parliament. Asked if labour would abolish The Lords, she cited Gordon Brown’s report advocating reform. A ‘disgusted’ public not accepting the current situation, an elected second chamber would be in their election manifesto. Lord Dracula Howard laughably told Laura K. Boris ‘unquestionably’ did good things and Shatts maintained he was a man of many qualities but people wanting to ‘move on’ from the drama, there was no chance of his return.
Inundated with threatening messages from Boris’ supporters, committee members were offered additional security. The damning report was released at 9.00 a.m. Thursday 15th. Written evidence revealing an ‘oasis of normality’ in Downing Street, they concluded Boris was guilty of deliberately misleading The House and The Committee, breaching confidence, impugning The Committee thus undermining the democratic process, and complicit in a campaign of abuse and attempted intimidation of members. If Boris hadn’t resigned, they’d have recommended an unprecedented 90 day’s suspensioniii.
Griping that Harman and Bernard Jerkin (under investigation for attending his wife’s birthday party during tier 2 restrictions) had ‘prejudicial views’, Boris said the findings were ‘deranged’ and ‘the final knife-thrust in a protracted political assassination’. Rayner likened his rant to a ‘Pound Shop Trump’ and Bereaved Families said Boris should be banned from ever standing for public office again. But Dreadful Doris wanted tories who voted to accept the recommendations to be booted out and David TC Davies questioned how he could be found guilty of events The Met didn’t prosecute. Err, Lying to parliament was a different thing, you moron! Boris then asked supporters not to vote against the report because the world needed to move on, as he’d moved onto a weekly Daily Gammon column. When it came to it, only 7 MPs voted no. 225 abstained and some didn’t even turn up including an apparently ‘too busy’ spineless Rishi.
Update:
29th June, a follow-up Privileges Committee report accused seven Boris allies (Dreadful Doris, Rees-Moggy, Nasty Patel, Mark Jenkinson, Michael Fabricant, Brendan Clarke-Smith, Andrea Jenkyns, Zac Goldsmith, Lord Cruddas and Lord Greenhalgh) of a co-ordinated campaign to interfere with their work. Saying they had no right, they lambasted Dreadful Doris and Rees-Moggy for ‘vociferously’ airing warped views on their TV shows which had a significant impact on individuals, hence the need for increased security. Batting off journos, Rees-Moggy was off to church then the test match and urged they do likewise. Early next morning, Goldsmith resigned from government, allegedly due to apathy over environmental issues and nothing to do with being named in the report as Rishi Rich claimed. The first time I’d ever agreed with him, Ed Millipede maintained Zac’s resignation letter rang true.
4th July, The Met re-opened Partygate investigations, not into Boris’ shindigs at Number 10 or Chequers but the Jingle and Mingle bash and another on 8th December, attended by Bernard Jerkin according to Guido Fawkes.
“This was a day for ambition…but…the Tory cupboard is as bare as the salad aisle in our supermarket. The lettuces may be out, but the turnips are in” (Keir Starmer)
Everything, Everywhere, All At Once
Haiga – Open Sesame i
ONS figures released at the start of Mach were as frosty as the weather. Wages no longer rising as fast, 2.52 million were on long-term sick. Unemployment still low, there were slightly less vacancies. The UK avoiding a ‘technical recession’ 2023 according to the OBR, there’d be 0.2% less growth. On budget day, Abba’s Money, Money, Money drowned out reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street before The C**t emerged. Taking credit for an expected drop in inflation, he began an interminable statement by echoing Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (the film that swept the Oscars), promising a pile of ‘E’s – enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. Not listing energy, he extended the price cap until June, pledged to bring pre-payment charges in line with direct debits, gave funds to leisure centres and local groups towards their bills, and froze fuel duty for 12 months. More tax on wine from August, a so-called ‘Brexit pubs guarantee’ meant less duty on draught beer, covering Northern Ireland, thanks to the Windsor Framework. ‘Brexit freedoms’ also allowed a ‘near-automatic sign-off’ of new medicines. More dosh for looked-after children, care leavers and potholes, a measly £10m was given to suicide prevention. Wraparound childcare wouldn’t kick in until after the next election. He announced a second round of city region transport funding and extra money for Levelling Up partnerships, investment zones to create 12 ‘Canary Wharfs’ in areas like Manchester and West Yorks, for which they’d need to bid. I doubted it would mollify Yorkshire grandees. Incensed at getting Levelling Up round 1 dosh but not in round 2 mid-February, they whinged the goalposts moved after they submitted bids they were encouraged to write.
Intent on making us all work, he was abolishing the work capability assessment. It would be voluntary for disabled people to find jobs with support for workers suffering mental health and back problems before they left employment. On the other hand, UC claimants with no health issues faced more coaching, more rigorous sanctions and an increased threshold of 18 hours a week. Not hearing anything about ESA, I later discovered an end to sickness top-ups if ineligible for PIP from 2026. Targeting the over 50’s, there were ‘3 steps’ to make working longer easier: enhanced DWP mid-life MOT’s; new apprenticeships (aka returnerships); and increased pension tax allowance with abolition of the lifetime limit.
As per Pat Vallance’s recommendations, a ‘quantum strategy’ involved an AI sandbox, an ‘exascale’* computer and a £1m annual Manchester prize. Worth a mere £2.5bn, did they know how much that tech stuff actually cost?
Nuclear magically classed as environmental, Great British Nuclear aimed to generate a quarter of our leccy by 2050. Pitifully underwhelmingly in light of the IPPC report on an increasingly warmer world, Guterres said there was just about time to reverse climate change if we did ‘everything, everywhere, all at once’.
In place of witty Reeves, Keir responded there was nothing to tackle crime, NHS waiting times or the housing crisis, leaving the UK the sick man of Europe, stuck in the waiting room with only a sticking plaster and more disguised tax hikes. Referencing turnips, he obviously hadn’t heard we didn’t grow them anymore!
Liberals pointed to inflated high energy and food costs and the OBR reckoned we still faced the biggest ever fall in living standards. Timed to coincide with The C**t’s missive, strikers marched through London to rally in Trafalgar Square. The biggest walkout so far entailed doctors, teachers, civil servants, London underground staff and BBC journos, affecting regional evening news. I turned over from Fatty Dimmock to ITV. Having interviewed The C**t, Robert Pessimist said there was no way the budget could be seen as a giveaway, except scrapping the pensions cap, benefitting the rich. Not much for the rest of us, impact analysis by The Resolution Foundation showed the poorest would be better off and middle and high earners worse off. How did they work that out? Later in the month, their research revealed the true cost of a widening productivity gap compared to other European countries and ‘unprecedented’ 15 years’ wage stagnation; if wages had grown the same as before the 2008 crash, workers would earn an extra £11,000 p.a.
Party Games
Haiga – Turning Point
At the start of March, Cock Covid Diary collaborator Isabel Oakeshott, leaked 100,000 WhatsApp messages to the Torygraph. Revelations suggested the then Health sec didn’t follow Chris Witless’ advice spring 2020. On the morning of 14th April, Witless advised testing everyone entering care homes. By evening, official guidance changed to cover only patients discharged from hospital. The Cock furious, a spokesman claimed messages were ‘doctored and stolen to create a false story’: with insufficient testing capacity, they had to prioritise. Accused of breaking NDA, Isabel insisted the leaks were in the public interest. Countering they weren’t, The Cock railed they formed part of her anti-lockdown agenda. She asked Newscast, “what even is that?” Had she forgotten the demos? She didn’t worry about never again being trusted as she was good at what she did –Yep, good at playing the game, getting men to tell her secrets and promoting herself! In messages published over the next few days, we learnt The Cock dithered over whether he’d broke rules snogging Gina Colander, and resisting lockdown up to a week before its imposition, Boris subsequently ranted militantly on social distancing July 2020, a month after the birthday party he was fined for. Also, The Salesman called teachers’ unions a ‘bunch of arses’ who hated work. Mary Bousted retorted he was ‘out of his depth’ during the pandemic.
At PMQs, Keir harped on energy bills and massive profits before referencing the leaks, asking Rishi to assure the house of no more covid enquiry delays. The PM responded with the usual: we should let them get on and do their job.
On March 3rd, The privileges committee partygate investigation preliminary report, concluded Boris misled parliament multiple times. The Bumbler retorted there was no proof. Calling the report damning, Keir caused a row by offering Sue Gray the job of labour chief of staff. Doing the Sunday morning rounds, Chris Heaton-Harris laughably called Boris ‘100%’ a man of integrity. On 21st,Boris’ partygate evidence was released, predictably alleging it was all his adviser’s fault. The next day, he faced the committee, with a new haircut. After a rare oath-taking, he told them he believed gatherings were essential, his statements to the commons were made in good faith, it was nonsense that he didn’t take proper advice and, after losing his shit, thanked them for a ‘useful’ discussion – to much guffawing. A good day to bury other news, Rishi’s long-promised tax details revealed he paid ½m 2022 and 1m since 2019. Keir paying £118,580 over 2 years, he was accused by toires of hypocrisy for benefitting from the pension tax break, which he’d vowed to ditch
The Ripple Effect
Haiga – BST
23rd March marked the 3rd anniversary of lockdown #1. No mention on main news channels, the ripples of coronavirus continued to be felt. Metro revealed a 134% increase in ‘ghost kids’ missing school and Look North reported on the emotional impact with more young kids needing pastoral support. Patients in the region still dying (49 the previous week), 1.5 million suffered from long-covid. Prof Dinesh Saralaya of Bradford Hospitals who took part in several vaccine and treatment trials, warned covid hadn’t gone away and Prof John Wright of The Bradford Institute of Health Research said it would be with us forever. Providing the analogy of the after-effects of an earthquake, he described layers of those affected by death, long covid and recession. On the plus side, they’d learnt a lot so were better prepared for future mutations or viruses. It was easy to forget how lethal and scary it was 3 years ago, but we should celebrate the sense of community and connectedness it engendered.
As the clocks changed for BST, NAO revealed £1.4 billion worth of PPE was incinerated and £21bn lost to fraud. As Lithuanians were convicted of grifting £10m from the covid loan scheme, government pointed out they’d set up the Public Sector Fraud Authority. But it was criticised for ineffectiveness across departments. Amid reported tension between The Treasury and DWP, Mel Stride announced a delay in raising the pension age to 68 – because of unpopularity before the next general election, a drop in life expectancy, or more elderly people leaving the labour market post-covid?
Margaret Ferrier MP faced 30 days’ suspension from the house for breaking lockdown rules in September 2020. She later launched an appeal.
A Canadian review of 137 global studies published in the BMJ, found minimal changes in mental health during the pandemic and ‘more resilience’ than assumed but raised concerns that women suffered more due to care responsibilities and domestic violence. The FBI chief decided covid originated in a Wuhan government-controlled lab after all. The US legislature later voted to declassify all documents on the analysis of coronavirus. As Covid Diary workshop participants observed, it all seemed really weird now. Maybe they should let it lie!
“There is no shying away from the reality that the NHS is deep in crisis” (Siva Anandaciva)
Boris at Work
UCL research found the risk of death from strokes and heart attacks among the unvaccinated, 8 times higher in the first 3 weeks after covid and 5 times higher for 18 months. Covid and flu both still rising in January, UKHSA advised we stay home if ill and wear a face-mask if we went out.
The NHS winter crisis deepening, Rishi Rich, The C**t and treasury ministers met health leaders at Downing Street Saturday 7th. The so-called NHS recovery forum discussed long-term plans rather than pressing critical issue – such bad timing, AND the tories had had 12 years to do this! RCN leader Pat Cullen saw a ‘chink of optimism’ when Rishi told Laura K. Sunday, he was open to talks on nurses’ pay and not expecting them to achieve much, attended ‘crunch talks’ along with other health, rail and teaching reps and relevant ministers at Number 10 Tuesday 9th. In the 45 minute time slots, minister offered one-off payments in return for increased productivity to avert strikes. Unite called it insulting and a waste of time.
The government then announced block-booking of care beds to free up hospital beds. A 2-year blueprint later unveiled with NHS England, £1bn of existing funds would be used to buy new ambulances, hospital beds, virtual beds and community teams. They didn’t say where staffing for all that lot would come from. Amid grim reports of makeshift morgues to deal with excess corpses, King’s Fund chief analyst Siva Anandaciva said the NHS was in ‘deep crisis’. Confronted by real-life horror stories, Tory Chalk avoided using the ‘c’ word on QT. Anna Soubry was no longer a tory, Tim Historian spouted the usual Torygraph tripe, Bridget Philipson trolled out the labour party line and Ash Sarkar claimed tories were scared of the unions. On Newscast, new TUC boss Paul Nowak laughed at the idea they were running the country. Who was?
The RC church were to investigate a lockdown sex party in priest’s quarters adjoining St. Mary’s cathedral, Newcastle. Dean Fr. Michael McCoy invited parishioners but alarmed at a possible police probe, withdrew from his post and was found dead in an Air BnB April 2021. Did he not know suicide was a mortal sin? No suggestion he attended the orgy, Bishop Byrne resigned December 2022. The commons privileges committee grilling still looming, an ITV podcast uncovered more debauchery related to Partygate. Aides hard at work screwing, shredding evidence and colluding on police reports, Bumbling Boris joked they were at the “most non-socially distanced party in the UK right now.” Lobby Akinnola’s (Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice) stomach turned at a second year of ‘horrible revelations’ continuing to ‘trivialise death’. Already suspended from parliament for failure to declare financial interests, Andrew Bridgen had the tory whip withdrawn for spreading covid vaccine disinformation and comparing it to the holocaust.
78 year old Welsh GP Dr. Mehboob Ali got covid and died 5 days after retiring. Tuesday 17th a busy day for Wakefield coroners, inquests into two deaths during lockdown #2i found Michael Holmes was trampled by a herd of cows in a field in Netherton and David Nash who died after 4 phone consultations, may have lived if he’d actually seen a doctor. As a Parliamentary Joint Committee recommended the government strengthen the Mental health bill to address historic shortfalls and inequalities Thursday 19th, RCGP (Royal College of General Practitioners) Clare Gerada went on QT to insist GPs did their jobs well and laud IAPT (improved access to psychological therapies). Most access at crisis point, Victor Adebowale of the NHS Confederation retorted it was all topsy turvy and not good enough. Wes Streeting promised labour would fund mental health hubs by closing tax loopholes and ex-Brexit party nutter and stuck record James Bartholomew, complained the whole system was broke.
“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)
Highway To Hell
Woodland 1
Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogi. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.
As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.
More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.
John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.
Highway To Hell
In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.
As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.
Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.
At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.
After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.
In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.
Nasty Business
The Grand
Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”
Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”i. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!
Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.
Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.
Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandii). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.
Calling Blighty
Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!
1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?
The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.
Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.
Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.
Unhinged
Woodland 2
The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”
Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.
A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.
Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.
Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.
Get Out!
New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.
Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ii). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.
Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!
Broken Britain
Broken Britain
Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”
Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)
Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.
Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.
On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.
Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?
When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.
At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)
Blast Furnace Blast
The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.
E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.
GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15th & 20th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)
Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.
After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.
Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3rd-5th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!
*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity
**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services
“Too many people are losing the battle to keep a roof over their heads – struggling to pay rent and put food in their mouths…the next Prime Minister needs to get a grip on this crisis, and fast” (Polly Neate)
Liar, Liar!
Haiga – Disrupter
July 1st, I managed a full day out of bed, hung washing in sunshine and nipped in the art shop for an open studios brochure on the way to the co-op. As I danced in the aisles to ‘The Chelsea Song’*, someone said “nice moves, Mary!” I turned and smiled before recognising Bully Ex-neighbour. That was the end of blanking her, then! A rain shower eased as I walked back alongside Irish Neighbour who predicted it’d stop altogether when we got home. Alas, it didn’t. As it got wetter, Phil dashed out to fetch the laundry. Sun returning, I started to peg it back, but darkening skies made me abandon the idea. The Widower chatted to The Woman Next Door. His unleashed dog roamed the street, weed near our door and jumped up to plant 2 matching muddy paw prints on my light summer jeans. The Widower apologised and offered to wash them. I said it was okay, then went in to rant and soak the jeans.
ONS estimated covid went up another 32%, with 1:35 infected in Yorkshire and 1:25 in Calderdale. Prof Linda Bauld blamed holidaymakers returning from Portugal. Shats unveiled a 22 point plan for air flights. Scottish cops withdrew ‘goodwill’. The work to rule was triggered by a ‘derisory’ offer of £564 extra pay.
Waking early with a cough Saturday, I sucked a pastille and fell back asleep. Both tired, we stayed in. Phil cut my hair and tackled the greasy kitchen then rested while I cleaned floors and went to the co-op for beer. Bantering with My Mate at the kiosk, a woman randomly mentioned Crackerjack. “It’s Friday, it’s 5 to 5…” I quoted. “Oops! I’m showing my age. I know I don’t look it!” Hitherto cloudy, I strolled back in the gorgeous evening and stopped to chat with German Friend warming in sunshine outside her house. Her next-door’s makeshift patio an improvement on the caravan, I desisted in calling it a bit gammon when she said they were nice neighbours. Bemoaning a lack of parking space, set to worsen with the mill development, she planned to bring it up at their upcoming street party. Wondering what good that would do, Phil agreed the fallacy it was a private street gave them delusions of authority! The Woman Next Door had parked in the middle of our street. When End Neighbour arrived, I banged on next door and faked fear of being run over as she backed up. The Widower similarly struggled to park then discovered he’d brought the wrong keys out and had to enter a daft code to get spares from a box. I stayed out to soak up rays, swept cobwebs off the window and lopped the rosebush to prevent eye pokes.
Arriva bus services resumed during talks but the strike was back on a week later. 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in London, Pride revellers were told to stay home if they had monkeypox symptoms and vaccine was offered to contacts.
Quorn sausage instead of meat Sunday, felt like a treat. That mightn’t last as farmers losing £30 per pig threatened to stop production. Phil said “The government can’t admit Brexit’s a mess and there’s no money coming in through trade.” “What about VAT? If they don’t do something, it’ll be more costly when we all die of malnutrition!” Bunman reckoned this was more of a health risk than the pandemic.
Bikers and Motley Folk
Phil having no luck job-hunting, I proposed offering IT skills to artists. Open Studios a good place to start, we visited the main venues. In the first, a woman created charming bird paintings and inspiring collages. Phil offered to take photos of her pictures so she could sell prints online. Mysteriously seeing nobody we knew in the next studio, we climbed steep steps to the upper art mill floors where Photography Friend chuckled: “About time you showed up!” We discussed selling her greetings cards online and the trials of videoing. Browsing jewellery, I was greeted by the silversmith who turned out to be End Neighbour’s daughter.
After visiting a couple of charity shops, we crossed a square busy with bikers and other motley folk to get pop, and supped it near the wavy steps. Lads built a fort on duck island, a boy disgustingly picked up birdseed to hand-feed pigeons, and a misfit black and white mallard mixed with waterfowl until a dog splashed into the water.
It emerged Boris used a government jet to holiday in Cornwall last month. An ill-briefed Thérèse Coffee-Cup was wheeled out to parrot Number 10 press office lines. Most covid infections caused by the BA.5 Omicron subvariant, Thicko Dr. Jenny Harries resurrected the old ‘hands, face, space’ mantra, advised face-masks in busy indoor places and those with respiratory illnesses stayed home. As Russia took control of Lysychansk and accused Ukraine of missile strikes on Belgorod, Gen Mark Milley made parallels between Russian invasions and Nazi Germany but NATO stronger than ever, didn’t think we were on the road to war. Lord Brownnose allegedly got his knighthood for rescuing Bonny Prince Charlie’s daft Dumfries eco homes plan.
Iffy with twinges Monday, I resolved to not stay abed, posted a haiga, drafted blogs, and went to the co-op. The Bonkers woman fretted with a friend over what she could afford for tea. Things were bad if the middle classes were worried! I eschewed pricey items for a low-cost top-up. The young cashier very fast, I asked did he work at Lidl before? “No, kitchens.” I dumped bags near the front door, filled the watering can from the outside tap and jumped at a “Hello Mary.” I hadn’t seen The Woman Next Door on her doorstep. It was hard to keep a straight face as she held a bonger in one hand and traced circles round her face with a tuning fork in the other. Phil guessed it was some zen shit. DIY tuning fork therapy, actually. He was in stiches at a woman on Look North who clearly bought her furnishings from Noir: “And look at that gammon tan!” Thinking he said ‘Gammantine’, I asked if that was a new décor style.
Having said they had no evidence, the BBC admitted 6 complaints against DJ Tim Westwood who police spoke to once. Downing Street stated that aware of ‘reports and speculation’, Boris referred to the ex-whip as ‘Pincher by name, Pincher by nature’, but didn’t know of any substantiated allegations. The National Gallery was evacuated when Just Stop Oil protesters superimposed an apocalyptic future vision onto Constable’s Haywain and glued themselves to the frame. The next day, they augmented The Last Supper at the Royal Academy. Motorists staged country-wide motorway go-slows. Yorkshire cops deployed stingers and chilled-out Bristol cops provided an escort, but arrested 12 for blocking the Prince of Wales Bridge. Due to local food costs, school caterers switched from chicken to turkey and beef to gammon, largely imported. No fuel for teachers, Sri Lanka extended school closures another week. Suspecting bird flu killed chicks on the Farne Isles, NT banned boat trips. 6 were massacred and 36 injured during a Chicago Independence Day parade. Culprit and wannabee rapper Robert E. Crimo III posted cartoons of himself doing the shooting.
Waking frequently, I ended up oversleeping Tuesday. Phil sorted stuff still in bags from Leeds and gave me a posh ruler for to-scale measuring: handy for all that model-building I did! Feeling sleepy, I quit writing for active chores to be stymied by him nabbing the hoover.
Wage growth below inflation, The Resolution Foundation warned 1:4 people’s savings wouldn’t last a month if they lost their job. Lynch told the RMT conference the current strike was the fight of a lifetime. Offered 6%, Bosch Rexworth factory workers in Fife walked out. High street coffee almost £3 a cup, Pret a Manger returned to profit. Hundreds of BA flights cancelled, EasyJet COO Peter Bellew quit over chaos. 40% of travel insurance policies gave insufficient strike or covid cover. At 7.00 a.m., former top FCO civil servant Lord Simon McDonald, published a letter telling Kathryn Stone Boris knew about The Pincher in 2019, belying claims allegations were ‘unsubstantiated’. It was news to ex-foreign minister Rabid Raab. Boris blathered to Chris Mason it was a mistake to make The Pincher a whip. Barely sensical, he ‘tried to explain’ he was ‘focused on other things’. Yeah! Saving your own skin! MPs in constituencies over the weekend asked how many boys they’d touched up and ministers sick of looking stupid fire-fighting for their boss, Rishi and Goblin Saj resigned early evening. The Goblin said: “I can no longer, in good conscience, continue to serve in this government.” Rishi wrote: “The public rightly expect government to be conducted properly, competently and seriously.” Nads Zahawi hilariously became Chancellor on the spot. Tarzan Heseltine told Newsnight it was the end. Instrumental in ousting Thatcher, he should know. 12 overnight resignations included solicitor general Alex Chalk. Boris predictably phoned Vlod.
Again up late Wednesday, I worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Keir said promoting The Pincher despite known predatory behaviour was serious; the PM handed him power and was propped up by a party defending the indefensible. A ‘charge of the very light brigade’, we needed rid of the ‘zed list cast of nodding dogs’. Boris reiterated labour had no plan, rudely pointed at the shadow cabinet and disbelieved Keir’s vow to not re-join the EU against the will of the people which had incensed Guardianistas. Ian Blackford guffawed at Boris’ hope of 3 terms in office: “If a week is a long time in politics, 10 days is a lifetime.” Instead of discussing the cost of living and Brexit, as usual, it was all about Boris. Rather than the Monty Python Black Knight, he was the dead parrot. Liz Saville said as the PM always put his political survival before the country’s interests, he was the best recruitment sergeant for independence they could wish for. Tory backbenchers on the attack, was it time to do the decent thing and resign? Lindsay Hoyle told applauding MPs they should be ashamed. Delivering a resignation statement, Goblin Saj said he wasn’t one of life’s quitters, cared deeply about public service, it was a privilege to be trusted in a tough role, nothing mattered more than people’s health, and paid tribute to all in health and social care motivated by the national interest. But they couldn’t allow division to become entrenched, treading a tightrope between loyalty and integrity was now impossible and it was unfair to be made to defend ‘lies’. He’d given the benefit of the doubt over Partygate but enough was enough, problems started at the top, that wouldn’t change, and the choice to stay in the cabinet was an active decision.
Phil headed for Leeds and I for errands in nasty drizzle, getting inflated cough sweets and PJs, £1 crop pants to use for patches on worn-out ones, and DVDs in charity shops. I stopped to reminisce with New Gran and Partner babysitting outside Corner Pub about when it resembled an after-school club.
The RCN said the end of special NHS covid leave showed how little the government cared about staff. Hospitals re-introduced mask-wearing. Unaware it’d gone away, did it explain last months’ dream? On the day of the NI threshold rise, the pound dropped against the dollar. 38 resignations by teatime the most within 24 hours in history, a cabinet delegation plus Graham Brady, waited to tell the PM time was up, as he told the public liaison committee he was getting on with governing the country. Refusing to go, he called the Glove-Puppet a snake and sacked him. Reporters stood in Downing Street battling chants of ‘Boris out!’
On the market Thursday, a customer discussed lobsters with the fishmonger. ”What about langoustines?” I asked, to get a tirade about the only Fleetwood trawler being foreign-owned. I didn’t ask did he vote Brexit! I continued onto the co-op after lunch, gardened in warm sun when Walking Friend came by on her way to town and invited me for a drink. She sat on the bench while I cleared up and The Widower walked his shorn dog past. “Has she had a haircut?” In reply, he removed his hat to display a buzzcut. “That’s dramatic!” I waited outside the pet shop then in a seething square while she erranded. Cafés shutting, I consented to Corner Pub where New Gran and Partner promptly left. “Typical! The one time I’m stopping!” I joked. Walking Friend bought us pints and herself a nibble. Saying she often sat home alone when not working or walking, I invited her for coffee anytime. We’d left Phil doing a work for Alexa. I texted ‘3 guesses’ to which he replied: ‘I only need 1!’ When he arrived, she insisted on buying another round while he ate her congealed garlic bread and made friends with a dog. Behind on the drinking, he wanted another pint, then got hungry. Her bus due, we bade thanks and goodbye. Drowsy after the beer, sleep eluded me until tinnitus suddenly stopped and the world went quiet.
Reporters had reason to stand in Downing Street for once. After a tsunami of 60 government resignations, Boris finally quit, as party leader, not PM. Deflecting blame onto his colleagues, he hastily reshuffled cabinet into a ‘caretaker government’, promising no ‘major change of direction’ ‘til election of a new leader. Phil remarked on the typical Britishness of The Pincher being the final straw after a tsunami of lies! Andrea Jenkyns gave the finger on her way to become education minister. “What a great example to young people!” I exclaimed. “It’s like a corrupt government of a loser country. They all need shoving against the wall!” John Major said the PM should go immediately and Keir threatened a confidence vote if he didn’t. Leadership contenders reaching 11 within days, Boris didn’t endorse any in case it scuppered their chances. Vlod sad, the EU were glad and hoped to ‘reset’ the relationship with the UK. NCA arrested people-traffickers and seized dinghies and paraphernalia from warehouses across Europe. Foreigners allowed at Hajj for the first time in 2 years, 1 million selected by lottery had to be under 65, vaccinated and test negative for covid. Former Japanese PM Shinzo Abe was assassinated while campaigning and Rollerball legend James Khan died.
Erase and Rewind?
Haiga – Atmospherics
A knock on the door Friday signalled Walking Friend dropping off a promised item. She asked was I alright after the pub. “Yes and no; it was lovely but there was loads of stuff I didn’t get done.” “I know. We’ll plan it next time.” Intending to go for a walk after I‘d draft-posted the journal, it was rather late and I still felt tired. Instead, I raked leaves and helped Phil rescue confused bees. Among the comings and goings, Decorating Neighbour asked if we knew anything about End Neighbour. Meant to be holidaying, she had covid. “I’ve no idea. Her daughter said nothing when we saw her Sunday” After drinking rather a lot of wine, I slept reasonably well and had a long episodic dream involving weird office-related crap.
NatWest staff on under £32,000 offered a 4% rise, Unite said it was better than a one-off payment. Oil prices up again, wind power was the cheapest ever. Keir and Rayner were cleared of breaking covid laws during beergate. Gammons whinged about woke Durham cops. Yep, just like Bristol!
Woken by mild leg cramp and loud talking outside, I rose drowsily Saturday. Making brekkie stressful in a cluttered kitchen even though I’d washed up Friday night, I wondered where the hell it all came from? Phil related a mildly racist joke (actually tweeted by Alistair Campbell in April): An Englishman, an American and an Indian walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘the usual Mr. Sunak?’ Putting recycling out, Welsh Art Friend was collecting the baby from young neighbours’ house for an outing. A recent operation explained her absence from Open Studios but she was recovering well. Other artists we’d expected to see all had covid apparently. We got lucky there after all the art events we’d attended recently! She offered to put fliers up to promote Phil’s IT services when we got round to doing them. A bit of a breeze made the warmth bearable enough to repeat my birthday walk during which we admired bright skies and blooms, ate pasties at the farm shop and gathered a few wimberries (see Cool Placesii).
Hardly any breeze, Sunday became hot. Suffering dodgy guts, I wondered was it caused by the beer? The cheap bacon tasty but 2 rashers short of a weekend, Phil said it sounded like I’d devised an expression. Not the first neologism we’d invented. The laptop proclaimed no internet. I waited ages to send birthday greetings to a cousin, edit photos and write a haiga. On the way back from the co-op, a couple of women on the street below who’d put water out for geese, were surrounded. “You’ll never get rid of them now!” I chuckled. Sitting on the garden bench, I saw a plate of mushrooms in front of the mini-greenhouse and asked The Woman Next Door on her step were they hers? “Yes.” “What are they doing there?” “Drying.” “Well, I need access and they’re not in the sun.” She moved them to her wall. The way clear, I checked the celery to discover munched leaves and placed shards round the stalks to put the slugs off. It didn’t. Phil brought ancient chilli seeds out to pot and helped clear up. A strange man laden with eggs and berries, visited The Woman Next Door. He’d parked in the middle of street but guided him into a space before they went out. “Who’s that?” asked Phil. “How the hell should I know?” Seeing him early the next day, I speculated it was a boyfriend. We ate lunch outside, dozed, and moved from shade to sun but still hot at 6, retreated indoors. Exhausted, I wrestled with sleep in the hot, bright night and got up to gaze at stars, minimise the light, then tossed and turned to the meditation soundtrack.
On Politics North, new Levelling Up minister Lia Nici repeated the misogynistic slur that Rayner opened her legs in The House, leading to a row with Naz Shah. Widely condemned, why hadn’t the presenter called Nasty Nici out on the spot? Anticipating summer travel chaos, Operation Brock restarted in Kent. After an interminable 2 weeks, Novax won the tennis.
Already sunny at 6.30 a.m. Monday, I opened the bathroom window to let a bug out and went back to bed. interrupted my writing for a counter-signature on his high street store contract. Assuring me scribing with the laptop touchpad was easy, my signature came out as a worse scrawl than usual! We had better luck using the ipad. I performed niggly chores, greeted Next Door and Strange Man and suppressed annoyance at a lack of help (Monday was often busy for Phil too). Assembling various materials to clean a kitchen chair outside, whatever I tried, the blotches kept re-appearing. Phil had a go during a break in google work but it looked worse than ever. I decided the posh paint had gone funny, found nothing suitable in the coal-hole, searched fruitlessly online for new, and said I’d try locally. Falling asleep outside during the longest heatwave for 50 years, I showered and rested on the bed. Although muggy, I slept well that night.
Scotrail drivers agreed on 5% but Aslef voted for summer strikes. A 24 hour Post Office strike with more predicted, bosses whinged they lost £1m a day due to bad relations. Migrants carried a dinghy across a French beach and 442 later arrived in Kent. Sick of criticism for providing a taxi service, the navy didn’t want to take the lead in dealing with channel crossings. A covid lockdown shut all casinos in the Chinese gambling enclave of Macau. The 1922 committee drew up leadership race rules. Candidates needed the backing of 20 MPs and there’d be a new PM by 5th September. Steve Barclay, tory party favourite Ben Wally, Goblin Saj (amidst tax evasion allegations), Grant Shats and unheard-of Rehman Chisti, dropped out, leaving 8 in the race Tuesday: Rishi Rich (releasing slick video Friday), Trussed-Up Liz, Tom Tughat, Penny Mordar (who withdrew her video when Johnny Peacock objected to inclusion), Kemi Babadook (who wanted to abolish teaching assistants because proles didn’t need educating), Swellen (saying she’d cut taxes as there were too many able people on benefits), The C**t and Nads Zahawi (amid yet more scandal).
Overcast but still warm, writing was hard Tuesday. As head fug and achy eyes set in, I called a halt and went to town for errands and a boogie to radio 2 in the convenience store. Two women queuing in front of me also jigged, remarking we didn’t go out dancing anymore. Heading for what used to be the paint shop, I realised it was now an Asian food store. I thought the fresh air would be invigorating but possibly due to mugginess, my head drooped as I plodded home. Noisy all day, canal works finally packed in for 10 mins peace. I measured the crop pants, cut material off the legs and made PJ patches. Still fatigued, as the sun emerged early evening, we nipped outside for some vit. D and midge bites!
Every ambulance service on red alert, trusts declared a state of emergency due to covid admissions and the heatwave. Meanwhile, Queenie awarded the NHS the George Cross. May Parsons who administered the first covid jab, was among representatives from all 4 UK nations. Heathrow told airlines to ‘stop selling summer tickets’. Now lasting until 11th September, no wonder we could never find cheap deals anymore. Mo Farah was praised for revealing he wasn’t a child refugee but a trafficked domestic slave. The home office graciously announced they’d take no action but would investigate. £1 now worth $1.19, the Euro fell to just below $1. The war was blamed. NASA showcased cosmic pictures by the James Webb space telescope. The next day, the Chinese said they’d detected a FRB** like a heartbeat, in space.
Wednesday, Phil had an appointment for someone to collect his Leeds studio fridge. I made him a bottle of pop to take and myself coffee and watched shenanigans. On Daily Politics, Tony Danker, CBI wanted less business tax and Heather WTF Whately came out with the same old rubbish: ’I love Rishi!’ Pandemonium at the start of PMQs, Lindsay Hoyle shouted: ‘shut up! order, order!’ Alba MPs Neale Hanvey and Kenny Macaskill were marched out of the chamber to murmurs of insurrection. Keir suggested a demob happy PM free of shackles, could say what he truly thought and forget about following the rules, so was it time to scrap non-dom status? Boris not changing his response, Keir went onto a ‘simpler question’ concerning offshore schemes letting people avoid tax. The Bumbler bizarrely responded any of the leadership candidates could wipe the floor with ‘captain crasherooney snoozefest‘. What was the clown on? Keir persisting on the tories benefiting from tax scams, Boris spouted lies about tax and benefits to a line of nodding dogs on the front bench wearing white and green Srebrenica flowers. Ian Blackford boringly made no jokes.
Warmth tempered by a breeze, I ate lunch outside, cleaned under the garden bench and chatted to a woman walking her elderly cat. Interminable beeping stopped just in time for a rest. Considering going outside again, Phil’s head loomed at the window. I opened the door and replenished the coffee. He followed me to the kitchen, doing my head in jabbering excitedly about his new mate and using the music studio for his photography. About to work on the journal, he asked for assistance making videos for a google work, set up a white screen, screwed his phone on a large tripod and taught me how to record. Quick when it worked, a faff when it didn’t, we called a halt for dinner.
Bereaved families called 200,000 covid deaths ‘a damning milestone’. Resolution Foundation found the richest 10% of Brits owned 29% of disposable income. Only Greece and Cyprus had worse economic deterioration. BOE told banks to double the buffer in case of hardship. Wetherspoons lost £30m – nowt to do with Brexit, eh Tim! The SCE monster was installed in an old lido on Weston beach as part of Unboxed. Formerly known as the Festival of Brexit, there was no mention of Brexit! An extreme weather warning extended to next Tuesday, the army set fire to Salisbury Plain, competing with French and Iberian wildfires. Official buildings and posh homes invaded, instead of resigning, the Sri Lankan president fled, appointed the PM acting president, declared a state of emergency, and a curfew in the western region encompassing Colombo. Protestors then overtook the PM’s compound as grim-faced police fired tear gas and water cannons. The gold walls of a politician interviewed on Newsnight looked pricey enough to cover the national debt. A French inquiry concluded Liverpool fans weren’t to blame for the Paris match debacle 28th May.
Blooming Buddleia
In the co-op Thursday, a few extras brought me above budget but I got free redcurrants from the community garden wall and saw a ringed butterfly for the first time. Storing groceries, I noticed we were low on essentials which I should’ve bought instead of luxuries. Irked by another Windows update leading to lack of productiveness and being indoors on a sunny afternoon, I announced I was going to the park.
Descending the steps reminded Phil he’d seen geese ascend the previous evening. I thought they used the zebra crossing! Today, they were all on the church lawn. We walked along the blooming towpath, where even the island below the aqueduct was festooned. The park busy after school, we bought café ice creams and squatted on stools to munch and watch an entourage of kids pursuing cyclists dressed as sloths. AS they packed up, I discovered they were advertising for festival work. Taking a long route home, we stopped to admire a buddleia when an old art classmate walked by. She stopped to chat further up. Back home, we took coffee outside and Phil fixed pegs while I faffed with a rickety folding chair before extricating broken pots from overgrown ivy. Next Door But One put currants on Next Door’s folding table, explaining the mystery. The Woman Next Door told me about the new age therapy stuff she was studying and the value of ‘precious’ wimberries and came to look at a frog on the edge of the open compost bin. I called Phil to do a rescue but it disappeared in the ivy.
Hit the Ground
Haiga – Sky Dancer
Having given up the night before, editing photos and blogging was thankfully faster Friday. As I prepared to clean the bathroom, Phil nabbed the hoover for the attic. Sick of tripping over photography gear, I offered to help sort the clutter but he insisted on doing some cleaning first. Dumping dead flowers in warm drizzle (did that count as rain on St Swithin’s?), the sun came out when I went back in.
1:18 infected, JCVI advised autumn boosters be offered to the clinically vulnerable, health & care workers and the over 50’s. About time! A TUC study revealed the UK had the worst ‘real wage squeeze’ of all G7 countries. Unite’s Sharon Graham said employers making huge profits must pay workers more. On the first televised tory leadership debate, Tom Tughat was the only one who agreed Boris wasn’t honest. The others evaded the question. Asked did they trust politicians, not one audience member raised a hand. Not from Bury market then! Accused of lying over self-ID by Babadook, Mordor got in a muddle. Only capable of working from script, she proved to be quite thick beneath the veneer, supporting Lord Frosty’s claim she was useless! A red ‘extreme heat’ weather warning prompted Downing Street to declare a national emergency for next week. Phil snorted: “this country is lame!”
He got to the kitchen after I’d broken my Saturday brekkie egg and commented cooking eggs was quick. Yeah, when someone else has done all the work! I thought. Warm sun tempered by a breeze, we went on a foraging walk before the dangerous red heat arrived. Popping in the co-op, we stalked the aisles for 3 for 2 snack food which had moved. My Mate at the kiosk said something derogatory about an old man who always wore cowboy gear. “Be nice!” I admonished and let him serve The Cowboy first before he whinged about the coming heatwave. “Are you working? It’s cool in here.” “Yes but it’s getting here.” We ascended fields to a lane lined with wimberry shrubs, picked, munched pastries and admired views before discovering an easier way down (See Cool Placesii). Recovering from the exertions, Phil complained he was too hot. “What do you expect?” I admonished, “You don’t drink water or wear a hat or shades.”
An effort to get going Sunday, I composed a haiga and improvised redcurrant relish. Phil sorted attic stuff. Allegedly still too cluttered for me to go up, I helped dispose of boxes. Cooler and cloudy to start, he reiterated the red heat warning was a load of pants but it became fiercely sunny in the afternoon. We ate lunch al fresco and stayed out a couple of hours, avoiding buzzing bees. An old art teacher came past with his dog. He’d semi-retired and passed on event co-ordination to The Printer, and admin to Welsh Art Friend. As he knew them both, it was definitely worth Phil sticking up fliers.
Boris accused of partying and going up in an RAF tornado instead of chairing cobra meetings, Rayner said he should step down now. The home office select committee found the Rwanda ploy no deterrent. Labour shortages predicted to cost the economy £30bn a year, there were calls to reset Brexit. How did that work? 2 billion vaccinated, covid cases rose in India to a 4-month high of 20,528. The second leadership debate on ITV an hour of in-fighting, the third due to air on Sky was cancelled when Rishi Rich and Trussed-Up declined to take part. 10 armed robbers raided the Apple store in Covent Garden.
After an unusually good night’s sleep, I donned minimal clothing Monday, did small chores, saved dumped items near the recycling and undrunk tea (very nice with ice and lemon on the very hot day), and posted the haiga. The co-op top-up cheap, My Mate was keeping cool but feared travelling home. Phil interrupted my afternoon writing by melodramatically declaring a sink blockage. Fizzing the crud of limited effect, a plunger worked marvellously. Still boiling after a cold shower, resting was impossible but it was comfortable enough to sit out by 7. I asked The Widower how he was faring. Okay so far, he dreaded grandchild’s grad ceremony in Manchester the next day.
ONS data showed when 9.4% inflation was taken into account, pay fell the fastest March-May since records began. Wages grew in the public sector by only 1.5% as opposed to 7.2% in the private sector. Public sector pay offers between 4 and 5%, and no extra cash for the NHS, doctors, dentists and cops would get the most. The labour motion rejected as it would’ve forced tories to state they had confidence in Boris to avoid a general election, the government won another, strangely brought by themselves. Boris accused Keir and ‘the deep state’ of plotting to reverse Brexit. What conspiracy site had he been on? Keir said the delusion was never-ending. On the 10th day of temperatures above 400C, forest fires surrounded a train in Zamora, Spain. The UK heatwave brought record highs to Wales, slower trains on buckled rails, car breakdowns, power cuts, grounded RAF jets at Brize Norton and planes at Luton due to a ‘heat incident’ (aka melting tarmac). The ‘common sense’ brigade on Jeremy Vine joined by Charlie Mullet from his Spanish villa, guffawed at TUC advice to work from home. Notts cop chief Caroline Henry was banned from driving. Vlod sacked 60 alleged spies from the Ukrainian security service and SBU.
25.90C overnight on Emley Moor, Tuesday started hot. Glare making computer work hard, I climbed step ladders to tape a space blanket over the window. Ineffective, Phil’s reflector worked better. A sirocco-type wind hit me as I opened the door; so scorching I needed a hat to put washing out! It was bone-dry by early afternoon. Phil stood in the full-on heat then sat on the bench and played plinky holiday music on his phone while I squatted on the doorstep enjoying a breeze on my neck until sweating, I retreated indoors. Phil declared even the shade too hot and pinned up the crops for me to make shorts. As the sun disappeared, the temperature dropped a few degrees but still warm and oppressive, southern showers freakily evaporated before reaching the ground.
Unsurprisingly, records were smashed all over. 370C here, Bramham recorded 400C, Coningsby, Lincs. 40.3 and Aysgarth Falls ran dry. Wildfires sparked major incidents in Sheffield and London where the fire service had their busiest day since WW2 and combusted horse poo in a compost heap engulfed houses in Wennington. Felled overhead powerlines at Peterborough halted East Coast mainline trains. Shats admitted the network couldn’t cope. Temperatures in Spain down to 390C, they reached 41 in France. Tughat was knocked out of the leadership race in the third round of voting and Babadook in the fourth. At his last cabinet meeting, Boris got a leaving gift of Winston Churchill war books and declared himself great. Keir called him a ‘bullshitter’.
Having coped with the mega heatwave, hot flushes and sweats woke me at 5 a.m. Wednesday. It took a while to shake off wooziness. Contrary to predictions, Boris turned up for the last PMQs before summer jollies. Confidence in politicians at an all-time low, Kim Leadbeater wanted to know what advice he’d give to his successor? Boris replied he’d use the next few weeks to drive forward the agenda of uniting and levelling up and that was why they’d win again. Staying on to party and holiday more like! Keir followed up with another question of trust to which Boris waved his arms like a loon and called labour pointless plastic bollards round roadworks, with no plans of their own while the tories were outlawing wildcat strikes. Eh? They were already illegal! After falsely bragging of the ‘fastest economic growth in the G7’, his parting words were ‘hasta la vista, baby’. Heaven forfend!
Misfit Mallard
Extreme heat over but still warm, we went out for fresh air, unintentionally retraced the Crossings Workshop walk and caught a glimpse of the misfit mallard (See Cool Placesii).
A women’s health strategy intended to address a range of issues with no money. Shats advised Doncaster council took over Robin Hood airport from Peel Group like in Teesside. As EDF got the go-ahead to build Sizewell C, five Just Stop Oil protestors who climbed gantries on the M25 were arrested. Mordor dropped, 160,000 tory members would choose between Rishi and Trussed-Up Liz. 36% aged 50-64 and 39% over 65, a tribe of ageing gammons would decide our next PM. Trussed-Up said she’d ‘hit the ground’. If only!
Fine drizzle late evening made for a fresher start Thursday. Leaden skies presaged fine afternoon sprinkles. By 5 p.m., it was as dark as winter. I drafted blogs and headed to the co-op, spotting an old pub mate for the 3rd time in 2 weeks and scored the free trolley. Fridge failures during the heatwave meant literally not a sausage in the reduced meat section. I weaved past geese pecking at the odd green shoot amid still-dry moss between cobbles on the street below. I could only discern the youngers by dark patches on burgeoning wings and a squeak rather than a squawk. Walking Friend came round as arranged. We perused the old maps we’d found on a street corner, discussed the heatwave and Phil offered to look at her maintenance issues next week. She proposed drinks at the community pub afterwards. When she spotted our wall clock still showed GMT, Phil decided to alter it. She took her leave and I apologised for being boring. “You’re not boring.” “Yes we are. Doing domestics!” Rest impossible with beeping machinery, revving engines and screeching kids, exhaustion, tummy ache and hot flushes made me thoroughly miserable by bedtime, leading to fitful sleep and hazy dreams.
Baroness Harlot promised lessons would be learnt to inform future pandemics, in a ‘fair and robust’ covid inquiry. Witnesses compelled to submit evidence from September, public hearings would start next spring. Did she want satirical qualitative data? Testing positive for covid, Uncle Joe was doing ‘well’ isolated in the White House and taking anti-viral Paxlovid. State borrowing at an all-time high and consumer Tory leadership contenders focused on the economy. Rishi concentrated on balancing the books but Trussed-Up promised a different path, saying he and previous chancellors didn’t deliver growth, even though she’d previously endorsed their policies. Examining her pledges against a backdrop of inflation, low growth and high taxes, IFS found reversing the NI rise, cancelling the planned corporation tax rise and a moratorium on the green energy levy would cost a total of £34bn; (£4bn above current budget targets). A report by chief inspector of borders and immigration David Neel, said the home office response to the surge in channel crossings was poor, 200 absconded within 4 months of arrival and vulnerable migrants were left at risk in processing centres. As the government published its critical minerals strategy and gave Pensana £850m from the automotive transformation fund, Kwasi Modo visited the Salt End rare earth plant in Hull. Netflix lost 970,000 subscribers April-June. Subs up, maybe they shouldn’t have made their most expensive film ever, The Grey Man, wherein Ryan Gosling globe-trots and wrecks Prague.
Pride Comes Before A Fall
Haiga – Way Off Course
After cold showers all week, we luxuriated in baths Friday. I blogged while Phil spent an age getting through to Vodaphone. It was worth the wait to get unlimited texts, calls and data, for less money. Head fug setting in, I abandoned writing for a spot of housework. Chilly and darkly grey, fine rain made the crows soggy and us chilly by early evening.
As it was revealed he paid himself via tax haven assets from his hedge fund, Rishi faced more questions over his finances. Meanwhile, Trussed-Up said being a Lib Dem and supporting remain was a mistake and leaving the EU had been a huge success. The start of the summer holidays, BA staff offered an 8% rise called off industrial action, an accident on the M20 led to 14-hour queues and The Port of Dover declared a ‘critical incident’. The French blamed for ‘woefully inadequately resourcing’ 100% checks leading to 4-hour waits to clear customs, they in turn blamed a glitch in the Eurotunnel. Authorities there said it had nowt to do with it. The benefits of Brexit, eh, Liz? An ‘emotional’ Antonio Guterres brokered a deal between Russia and Ukraine to alleviate the grain crisis. Hours later, Russian missiles hit Odesa. Ukraine vowed to get the grain out regardless. Gazprom re-started Nord Stream 2 gas deliveries, at 30% of previous levels.
Saturday morning, I wasn’t sure if vertigo was from moderate drinking, a manifestation of fatigue or illness. Both flaky, we stayed home watching Midsomer Murders as there was nowt else on telly. I took recycling out and shared health issues with Decorating Neighbour who sympathised with me. Better himself, he was back working which was good. I worked on the new shorts until my fingers became sore from sewing. After dinner, Phil ran to the shop for tonic, only finding lemonade to go with gin.
A rise of 7% rather than 30%, marked the start of a dip in the latest covid wave. On BBC Breakfast, Doctors Bauld and Smith told us 1/3 were reinfections. According to the WHO, subvariants BA.4 and 5 had been rising since June. Figures released later exposed 810 covid deaths the last week of July, the smallest increase since June. An Antipodean flu epidemic was unsurprising after their extended lockdowns.
Fine rain interspersed with sun Sunday, I searched for rainbows. Seeing none, I got knobbly veg and joked with a fellow punter my cabbage would be a good Midsomer Murder weapon: “You could eat the evidence! I watch far too much of them.” “I’m not judging!” chuckled the young server. Stopping to redistribute heavy bags on the way home, I risked being run over when an onion rolled behind a reversing car and saw a ‘we are open’ sign at the erstwhile grocers. Sure I heard voices, Phil went out early evening to be offered a sausage roll by crusty vegans. Opinions divided on the local Facebook page, some said the squat was earmarked as a café bar or ice cream parlour, and others that disturbed asbestos made it unsafe.
Queuing to enter the Eurotunnel, 600 lorries waited for up to 15 hours. A fire on Lenham Heath was visible from the M20. Bill Alexander bravely ploughed a firebreak in a fellow farmer’s spring barley crop to stop the flames getting any further. Trussed-Up and Rishi Rich (in Grantham) said the Rwanda ploy was a good idea. Both seeking to emulate Thatcher, albeit from different eras, Keir laughed at ‘Thatcherite Cosplay’.
Still wobbly Monday, I posted a haiga and blocked a heap of American military trolls stacked up in Facebook ‘friend requests’. Taking rubbish out, the trellis had collapsed again and fell to bits when I picked it up. I yelled for Phil to do a quick bodge. Carrying the lunch tray, I tripped and fell forward on the kitchen steps. Screaming, I managed to keep hold and avoid breakage. Phil asked if it was a flip-flop related incident. “It’s a first if it is.” Fuming he hadn’t asked if I was hurt, I said I hated Mondays. “Why?” “They’re shit! There’s always loads to do and then even more on top of that!” ”I don’t like them either.” “So why are you asking?” “Trying to be helpful.” “Well, its’ not!” I wiped a splotch off my jeans and rolled the leg up. Expecting a bruised knee, I found an angry graze which bled when cleaned it.
A health & social care committee workforce report said with over 99,000 vacancies in the NHS and 105,000 in social care, the government failed to plan or take decisive action. A rise in childhood hepatitis in 35 countries was linked to covid lockdowns as kids hadn’t built up immunity to 2 common viruses. OBR calculated Brexit cost the economy £50 billion so far. Still in denial, Brexiteers on Jeremy Vine claimed we already had to get passport stamps when we were in the EU. Not for France we didn’t! The C**t said it was revenge for mucking up plans of a united Europe. As Tory gammons called for Boris to be put on the ballot paper, the BBC staged a head-to-head debate in red wall Stoke. Rishi criticised Trussed-Up’s idea to delay tax rises by not paying off covid debts for 3 years, as it’d lose them the next election. Keir seemed to agree, calling Trussed-Up the latest graduate from the school of ‘magic money tree economics’ and pledged a new Industrial Strategy Council to bring economic growth, proving he was just as much a global capitalist as the rest of the wankers. Confusion over whether this meant they’d ditch nationalisation, shadow ministers Rachel Reeves and Sam Tarry waded in. Keir later confirmed rail would become public as contracts ran out, but not utilities, as that meant paying compensation, according to We Own It. If you thought it was bad the Blackpool illumination red Indian display was only just junked, an arcade game allowed players to sit on a horse and shoot them. Calling it a ‘legacy piece’, it was removed from Weston’s Grand Pier after Emily Crossing complained. Eurovision 2023 would be staged in the UK. Quite right, seeing as we should’ve won!
Feeling thoroughly crap and tearful Tuesday, Phil commiserated and agreed HRT might be a good idea. Menopause symptoms compounded by money worries, it was hard to concentrate and after snapping at him over a daft niggle, I admitted the anger was really about the dire financial situation. After some harsh words, we managed to calm down to share thoughts and feelings, discuss options, laugh and hug. Seeing a payment from BG on a bank statement, I checked the energy account to find the small amount was for leccy and DD was slightly reduced, but gas payments were set to treble! I called and spoke to a barely intelligible man, eventually getting it down to double. The GP surgery only taking emergency calls in the morning, I rang after lunch and was offered an appointment next week 4 miles away. I didn’t even know the place! An ‘embargo’ on local appointments, I asked what did I need to do to get one? Phone at 8 and ‘pretend’ it’s urgent! Thinking intense night-time itching was an insect bite, the discomfort extended to other areas which felt hot even though I couldn’t see anything.
The driest summer since 1976 and the driest July since 1836 in the South East, the National Drought Group met urgently and asked customers to use less water to avoid restrictions. Another head-to-head leaders’ debate on Talk TV was halted when host Kate McCann feinted; or fell into a coma at the sheer inanity of Truss and Rishi! He later hinted at a U-turn on energy VAT. IMF growth forecasts were downgraded to 2.9% globally, 1.2% for the Eurozone, 1% in the USA and .5% in the UK because of gas prices and ‘lack of investment in skills and infrastructure’. Only Russia worse, so much for Boris’ hubris! As Italy planned to spend an extra £12bn shielding consumers from energy costs, the EU rationed gas.
Hearing a moth waking early Wednesday, I saw no sign of it. Itchiness persisting, Phil said that was why he never lied about medical urgency in case it came true! I fetched brekkie and rang the GPs. 19th in the queue, I eventually spoke to a receptionist. About to book me the last slot at the local surgery, he exclaimed: “Oh, it’s just gone!” and arranged an advice call. The duty doctor agreed the symptoms may be menopausal but advised blood tests to rule out anything else before considering HRT. Which of course meant ringing back after 2. Being told to use antihistamines and cream, I took a pill, applied E45 (of limited help) and caught up on housework. I helped Phil design a flier for his artist’s services. “I enjoyed that,” I said. “What?” “Working together on something. Far more constructive than arguing.” “True.” Walking Friend not replying to a text, I called her to hear strange noises. About to go up regardless, my mobile rang but there was nothing at the other end. She then phoned from her landline. Informed she’d have no internet all day, that evidently meant no service at all. At her house, me and her chatted while Phil sorted maintenance issues. She asked if we wanted to go for beer. Too weary for the pub, instead, we drank freshly-ground espresso and arranged tea at ours followed by a pint Sunday. Bedtime reading was disturbed by noisy drunkards and a large moth fluttering on the lamp. The pesky blighter must’ve been there all day!
Spending not tracked and only 2% of international arrivals quarantined having covid, The PAC found it was impossible to know if the traffic lights system was worth £486m of taxpayers’ money. They also reported that £777m covid testing contracts awarded to Randox didn’t follow basic procedures and officials did nothing to address potential conflicts of interest even though they knew Owen Pattycake had direct contact with The Cock. Randox called their conclusions ‘deeply flawed and wrong’. Joining RMT pickets in the latest rail strikes, shadow transport minister Sam Tarry was sacked. Keir claimed it was over unauthorised media appearances. Owen Jones spluttered he’d had enough of Waitrose Boy Keir and John McDonnell said it was time for co-ordinated action (aka a national strike). People incensed at Maccy D price rises, I thought they were far too cheap anyway and we had bigger things to worry about, such as the practice of deducting money from UC payments to pay off debts which the Joseph Rowntree Foundation wanted scrapped.
Let Them Drink Boke!
Knackered and sweaty from cleaning the bedroom Thursday, I was forced to go to the co-op to replenish basics, where the usual foray proved even more stressful and time-consuming as they’d shifted stock and hid gaps with beer and cola – let them drink boke! The freezer deal costing more than expected, on the way out, I realised it was now 6 items for a fiver. Only 5 in the cabinet, I returned to the till and was told with carte d’or sold out, I was meant to have 2 Vienetta. “I’ll take it!” A palaver ensued of scanning for a refund, then again with the 6 items. Having seen the window cleaners’ van, I thought ours weren’t due but on slogging home, the house front was dripping. Phil said they insisted it was our turn. I raged at the inconvenience and he said I was hangry.
We ate a hasty lunch, then Walking Friend rang to say she had a problem Sunday. “Oh. I’ve just bought the stuff.” “I can still come for tea, but not the pub.” {What a shame – not!} “Come eat Vienetta!” After lodging a complaint to the co-op about shifting stock and amending it for a ‘Tales’ blogiii, I railed at lack of productiveness and looked for a late summer holiday let, eventually finding a bargain. Paying a low deposit, they cheekily took the balance the next day. Trying to rest, it dawned on me the window cleaners were right. Aware it was daft, I couldn’t stop fretting and sent them a straight-forward apology via Facebook. Their reply shirty, I reiterated it was a genuine mistake on our part and added a smiley face. Very itchy at bedtime, I researched DIY treatments and tried intensive hand cream containing glycerine which worked immediately. I later discovered sensitive bodywash helped too.
2 separate scientific studies found ‘compelling evidence’ 2 coronavirus variants originated at the Wuhan fish market late 2019. With 4 asymptomatic cases, Jiangxi district re-entered lockdown. Announcing £5.1bn quarterly revenue on the eve of a 2-day strike, CWU accused BT of ‘gaslighting’. Of 74,230 households homeless or at risk, 10,560 worked fulltime. Shelter’s Polly Neate said record-high rents and crippling bills sent people working every hour, ‘over the edge’. She called on the new PM to ‘get a grip,’ unfreeze housing benefit and build decent social homes with rents pegged to local incomes, to end homelessness for good. Maybe they could live in the Saudi Line – the vertical city to house 9 million resembled a dystopian sci-fi.
Sleep disrupted by anxiety and discomfort, I was on the verge of tears Friday. Sure the itchiness was menopausal, Phil said I should’ve had HRT years ago. “Look who’s talking, Captain Hindsight!“ I added graphics to Phil’s flier and printed a draft. Puzzled by sizing issues, we gave up and went to town, finding cough drops had gone up again, as had sweet bags. Sweet Shop Man explained the bags were bigger to fit labels on, for which the printer cost a staggering 3 grand. Phil loitered while I stood in a slow Boots queue. 2 crusties (perhaps from the squat) mocked middle-class vegans (look who’s talking!) The cashier served 1 customer and handed over change at snail’s pace. I abandoned my items and stormed out. “Surprised you lasted that long!” Laughed Phil. Sitting riverside, we discussed posters on the old grocers inciting the squatting of Air BnB’s. Town awash with 200, was it practical? Were they businesses or residential? Back home, we solved the flier misprint by converting the file format. Flitting between laptop and printer, the pocket of my combats ripped when it caught on the sofa arm. Just as I’d finished a pile of stitching!
ONS estimated 1:20 people had coronavirus in the week up to 20 July, compared to 1:17 the week before. Hospital admissions decreased from 18.2 per 100,000 to 16.3. Centrica profits 1.3bn, Shell £11.5bn and BP £6.9bn, details of fuel bill rebates revealed we’d get £66 off direct debits October and November, then £67 until March. Martin Lewis said the zombie government should do more and the rich bragged about the size of their bills. AQA began strike action, potentially affecting the release of exam results.
Saturday greyly mizzly, we predicted soggy dressing up at Pride Party in the Park. Otherwise, we’d have gone to see the Kate Bush tribute. Instead, I cleared piles of clutter in the kitchen and stitched the combats.
Sleep interrupted by raucous drunks at 3 a.m. Sunday, I stuck earplugs in, rose flushed and crampy, fetched tea and noted chilli plants on the kitchen windowsill needed thinning out. Looking for space to put them, I saw paper peeling from the living room ceiling and chunks of plaster on the sofa. I yelled up to Phil who cleared the plaster lumps, googled DIY fixes, ruminated over supplies and made the ceiling safe until he could get to a trad hardware shop in the next village . I moved furniture so we could sit on the sofa, washed and air-dried a stinky throw and picked crocosmia for a kitchen vase before a trip to the co-op. The normal scant affair, I searched for wines to use a member discount. Seeing none, I got cheap plonk. I swept up dust, showered and changed and reinstalled the throw, enjoying the late sun’s warmth before a lovely evening with Walking Friend during which we ate, drank and exhausted our 1970’s CD music collection.
Rishi Stabbing Boris
Resignation honours a list of donors, JCB tory donor Lord Bamford hosted a belated wedding party for Boris and Carrie. Steve Bray stood outside Daylesford House with a banner reading: ‘corrupt tory government’. Dreadful Doris was lambasted for re-tweeting a pic of Rishi stabbing Boris in the back.
It was revealed the Prince of Wales charitable trust accepted donations from the Bin Laden family, leading to more questions. Giving no details of how they’d violated conditions of purchase, Gazprom suspended Latvia’s gas supply. England beat Germany 2-1 in the Women’s Euro Final. Winland academy advertised jobs on LinkedIn to write applications for Chinese students. A shame they were caught; I could do that!
Thanks for reading Corvus Diaries. Updates will follow later in the year.
“The PM has repeatedly shown he is unable to uphold (British) values and the reaction of the public at St Paul’s showed they know it too” (Lucy Powell)
Imperial Nonsense
Haiga – Reflections
The wee hours of 1st June, I dreamt of sitting in an ambulance wearing a face-mask. Odd having a covid dream after so long, was it a premonition of another wave? OneDrive did 500,000 ‘processes’. No idea what the heck they were, Phil managed to stop them so I could use the laptop. Bank statements revealed my benefit increased mid-April by a mega £3.50 a week – not even enough for a pint! Putting stuff in cupboards, a small pot fell out to land in the cafetiere. Another one bites the dust! Thank god for the spare.
In his annual report, Lord Geidt said whether Boris’ fine broke the ministerial code, was a ‘legitimate question’. The Bumbler replied he took full responsibility, had apologised to The House, there was no intent to break rules, paying a FPN wasn’t a criminal offence and quitting over ‘miserable’ Partygate was irresponsible amid ‘huge pressure’ on the economy, war and a ‘massive agenda’ he was elected to deliver. Did he mean Brexit? Rabid Raab insisted a confidence vote wasn’t imminent. Lisa Nandy called it ‘a damning indictment’ of the PMs leadership: “that successive ethics advisers…feel they can’t trust (his) integrity…This is a government that is rotten to the core, that the rot (sic) starts from the top.” Airport chaos worse during half-term, Tui cancelled 200 Manchester flights. Sharon Graham said aviation bosses slashing wages and sacking staff during the pandemic, got rich on high profits and low pay. Reaping what they’d sown, they should hang their heads in shame. Quite! Why book people on holidays they couldn’t get to? In defence, Airlines UK said they didn’t know exactly when all restrictions would be lifted nor how much travel would be possible by summer. Raab demanded airlines, airports and ground handlers met him to discuss over-booking and ill-preparedness. Dreadful Doris announced Bradford as UK City of Culture 2025. Maybe they’d clean up the Odeon and fill in the big hole for the festival of dire youff poetry.
Sun tempted me to don the new dress and open windows Thursday. News stopped for Platty Joobs, we joked the so-called pageant would be the largest handmade parade in history, remembered jubblys (still available) and invented retro 1950’s dishes such as jubilee potato – just potato. YouGov found only 9% of young people thought the royals relevant. Nevertheless, we broke the rule of no lunchtime telly for the flypast. Definitely the highlight of the day’s celebrations with all the planes and helicopters, Queenie with selected family on Buck House’s balcony, seemed impressed by the forming of a ‘70’ in the sky. Enough nonsense, I hung washing out. The Woman Next Door assured me it wouldn’t rain but the day didn’t live up to the billing of wall-to-wall sunshine. Increasingly convinced the forecast was a conspiracy, maybe I shouldn’t have told her that! The only sign of royalism in the co-op a woman wearing a cheap t-shirt emblazoned with ‘happy jubilee’, Phil found an infestation of red gammons in town. They didn’t need sun, just beer! Making a courgette and lemon cake was easy except I grated my thumb knuckle. Icing it the next day, I wished I’d remembered the unopened Sicilian lemon essence earlier.
Oldies at a Jeremy Vine jubilee party Friday, I guffawed at an engrossed Phil but agreed their reminiscences were sociologically interesting. Putting the telly back on for St Paul’s chimes, we mistimed it to see Boris speaking. He and Carrie got booed going to the thanksgiving service. Too much after the excitement of the flypast, Queenie missed it. Justin Welby and Randy Andy missed it as they had covid – ha! ha! We left the bells ringing for 4 hours to visit a favoured clough. Coming back, we found a roll of old maps at a street corner and the town centre chocka; like any weekend except for the odd bit of bunting and flags in shop windows creating a patriotic enclave near the micro pub (see Cool Placesi).
A consultation began on restoring the crown to pint glasses and pounds and ounces in shops. Chris Philp ((aka American Psycho Patrick Bateman) said imperial measures were universally understood and would bring ‘a bit of our national culture and heritage back on the top shelf’. Alicia Kearns called it a load of imperial nonsense, Asda boss Lord Rose called it ‘utter nonsense’, National Market Traders Fed said it’d just create hassle and historian Mary Beard termed the debate a ‘nostalgia war’. Harry Styles at number 1, the Sex Pistols didn’t get in the top 10. We didn’t bother digging out those Stuff The Jubilee badges! 100 days since the invasion, Russia controlled 1/5 of Ukraine. Uncle Joe pledged more weapons and urged a change in US gun laws after mass shootings in May killed Texan primary schoolkids.
Saturday, we investigated the route of Younger Brothers’ sponsored Leeds-Liverpool canal bike ride next weekend. Doubting we’d be up on time to cheer him, Phil was keen to visit the wonder of the ‘straight mile’ sometime. The smattering of stalls and displays at the art launch rather underwhelming, it did include our crossings workshop poems.
Ben The Caterpillar
We had a bash at Tetra Pak printing with The Printer. No tracing option, I called over to my old drawing teacher nearby: “You know how rubbish my drawing is!” She chuckled. Using styli, I etched a lopsided butterfly and Phil a very detailed bee, the antenna drooping as he ran out of space. He again whinged kids’ efforts were better, especially Ben The Caterpillar. We washed ink off our hands and wandered up the riverside.
Rippling with colour, tiny bugs with transparent wings hid on leafy stems; only visible on zoomed-in photos. Surprised to see the crap market on, we battled through a packed square to ask for lavender oil at the aromatherapy stall. The price almost doubled in 2 years, I gave it a miss. We found a few bargains in convenience stores, browsed the new witch bookshop (aka Harry Potter emporium) and waylaid an erstwhile pub mate going to a trad pub for a Jive Bunny disco.
Phil’s back pain worse Sunday, I thought it maybe from hunching over the etching or going out the house 2 days running. Cold, grey and damp, we stayed in. 20 years ago we might have gone for Gin and Pimm’s at the canalside pub before nicking cake at the parish church garden party. More sedate these days, I wrote a haigaii and tackled the landing. Planning to clean the rug, by the time I’d hoovered and rebuilt a tripod storage basket which predictably collapsed, I was knackered. A blissfully unaware Phil didn’t hear the clattering and swearing! Sleep mediocre, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a decent night.
Shats told Sophie Raworth other countries had airport staff shortages. Nowt to do with Brexit, there’d be no special visas for foreign workers. Touring with Jeff Beck, a ‘humble’ Johnny Depp spent £50,000 on a Brummie curry. After 4 days’ hard toadying by her subjects, Queenie appeared on Buck House’ balcony. Saying she was ‘humbled’, took the biscuit! Lucy Powell wrote in The Guardian that as labour captured British values, cherished institutions and believed our best days were ahead, they enshrined patriotic principles more than tories. Short-term ‘red meat’ policies like selling Channel 4 and reverting to imperial measures, diminished our global reputation, cost jobs and denied us ‘moments of togetherness’. Grimsby Town returned to league football and Wales beat Ukraine to reach the world cup. A jubilant Gareth Bale said the ‘crazy journey’ was ‘literally what dreams are made of’.
Monday mostly spent on admin, I thanked The Researcher for posting my takeover blog and discovered the main Crossings expo was at the town hall next Saturday, for one day only until it moved elsewhere. Why such short notice? I read a letter from NHS pensions and registered to access details online. Unsure if getting the paltry amount now would affect my benefit, I rang and spoke to a nice Geordie. He didn’t know but clarified I could draw on it anytime after my next birthday. As it would go up with inflation, I decided to leave it ‘til I really needed it, which might not be long the way things were going!
Thousands stranded by cancelled flights at the end of half-term and Platty Joobs, those who made it back faced Yorkshire bus and London tube strikes. Jesse Norman published his letter to Boris saying the Gray report showed he ‘presided over a culture of casual law-breaking’ and to describe himself as ‘vindicated’ was ‘grotesque’. He also lambasted the Rwanda policy, selling channel 4, the ‘foolhardy and illegal’ Northern Ireland policy, banning noisy protests and no ‘sense of mission’. In letters to the 1922 committee, MPs cited the St Pauls booing and jitters before 2 byelections. Some post-dated until after the long weekend, the threshold of 54 was reached. Hoping to ‘draw a line’ under it, Boris wrote to all his MPs and addressed the committee before the evening’s confidence vote. He won by a mere 68. As reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street at teatime, they ignored a woman in a taffeta dress posing at the shiny door and in the evening, Bella Ciao blasting in the background. Pressure Drop Brewery reduced staff work time from 5 to 4 days for the same pay. ONS reckoned UK coronavirus restrictions led to £140bn ‘forced savings’. I bet tories hated that! Twitter failing to supply fake account info, Elon Musk threatened to pull out of the deal.
Waking with a claggy throat Tuesday, I moped and almost stayed abed but didn’t. Opening a pack of coffee, I discovered Ocado sent beans instead of granules. Grinding them tedious, I dossed with a cuppa and started draft-posting the journal before going to the co-op. Previously just grabbing essential milk, I red shelf labels to note a 4-pinter was almost ½ price by volume. How had I missed that money saver?
Heartless tory Brendan Clark-Smith moaned to Jeremy Vine that people used ‘personal tragedy’ to try ousting the PM. Speculation continuing on his future, Boris thanked cabinet for their support and vowed to get on with the people’s business, level up, cut government spending and taxes. He told them to look at ways to reduce costs and drive reform. PAC reported Levelling Up decisions gambled taxpayers’ money on slogans. Will Haigh likened the PM to a mad pilot who’d locked himself in the cockpit and being inducted into the Order of the Bath, Pat Vallance was ‘disappointed’ by the rule-flouting. Labour urged The House to vote for committee for standards in public life recommendations giving Geidt powers to initiate investigations into ministerial code breaches. 79 migrants brought ashore, 10,000 made dodgy channel crossings so far this year. Russia in control of ½ Donbas, Vlod said ‘heroic’ defence of the region continued. Calling him a concrete friend to Ukraine, he was jubilant Boris survived the confidence vote. Talks failing, RMT announced another tube strike 21st June and the first national action in 30 years affecting Network Rail and 13 TOCs on 3 days later in June. Monkeypox became a notifiable disease.
Downward Spiral
Haiga – Showtime
Overnight indigestion persisting into Wednesday, I exercised through discomfort, moved tons of clothes (drying ridiculously slowly for June) and vacuumed the living room, finding an easter chick beneath the sofa and a wine stain on the throw. On the front bench at PMQs, Trussed-Up Liz resembled a corpse. Saying the confidence vote showed his own party loathed the PM, Angela Eagle asked if they didn’t trust him, why should we? Boris harped on about those imaginary high-wage, high-skilled jobs. Ian Blackford referenced Monty Python’s Black Knight: ‘it’s only a flesh wound’. Rather than laying into the PM, Keir dwelt on the NHS’s GP shortage, decrepit buildings, waiting times and ambulances arriving after patients died. I hated to agree with Boris that the line of attack wasn’t working. Goblin Saj later waded into a row on NHS Digital removing the word ‘woman’ from advice on cervical and ovarian cancer. As if there weren’t bigger things to worry about! Costs spiralling out of control, the HS2 West Coast mainline link was cancelled, thus rendering the project an expensive Brummie commuter line. Esther McVey wanted it scrapped altogether.
Buzzing Flowers
I posted a journal entry and again baffled by the short notice, shared a Crossings expo poster attached to an e-mail. Fatigue, aches and pains mitigated against a planned trip to Shopping Town but Phil wanted gentle back exercise. Strolling down the street, he photographed doors. A neighbour entered her house as he took a snap. “Do you like my door?” Noting the lovely entrance tiles, she asked did he want another pic? “No, just the door!” She didn’t think we were nuts at all!
We wandered terraced backstreets for more doors and spectacular grasses until needing refreshment, we got pop from the shop and sat on the riverside. On the way back, we chatted over the wall to New Gran drinking outside the corner pub, about jubilee weekend antics and her recent birthday. Having disappeared from her profile, I wasn’t sure of the exact date.
UK GDP stagnating, the OECD growth forecast dropped to 3.64% for 2022 and 0% for 2023. Minimum pricing in Scotland backfired as drinkers stinted on food to buy alcohol. Was that what pub-goers round here did? Network Rail contingency planning, the RMT said they were open to ‘meaningful discussions’. Admitting a vacancy freeze, TfL insisted there’d be no redundancies or pension changes. The WTO warned of a global food crisis due to the blockade. The UN held talks in Turkey for a grain corridor and Russia demanded Ukraine removed mines first.
Shopping on Thursday, even reduced stuff was beyond budget. I wasn’t surprised hard-up families skipped meals, according to charities. I jested with My Mate at the till that Phil’s back problem conveniently meant he couldn’t carry shopping. On the way back, 3 geese waddled down the road with a pair of adorable fluffy yellow goslings. Unconsciously exclaiming ‘aww!’ I observed nobody else stopped to look – miserable gits!
Speaking in Blackpool, Boris maintained we couldn’t spend our way out of the cost of living crisis and higher wages would push up prices, leading to a 1970’s-style spiral of stagflation. Unions decried abandonment of the high-wage, high-skilled economy pledge. The latest wheeze to shore up support was extending ‘right to buy’. Including housing associations, housing benefit could be used to pay off or apply for mortgages, with a ‘help to buy ISA’ – good luck saving a deposit on the crap interest rate! He vowed a house would be built for everyone sold. Not the 30,000 formerly promised, Keir cited a pilot in Small Heath where homes weren’t rebuilt as it cost more than what they sold for. The re-hashed plans ‘baffling, unworkable and a dangerous gimmick’, Shelter’s Polly Neafe predicted we’d be “stuck in the same destructive cycle of selling off and knocking down 1,000s more social homes than get built.” On QT, Psycho Bateman said every house sold meant a family off the waiting list. Care4Calais, Detention Action and PCSU* asked the high court for an injunction to stop the first Rwanda flight. Bonnie Prince Charlie called the policy ‘appalling’ and a caller to Jeremy Vine advocated unused boats intercept and process migrants in The Channel and blow them up! The case lost, an appeal was due Monday. Aslef drivers striking on different dates late June, TSSA balloted Avanti West Coast staff. PAC criticised DHSC for burning unused PPE from the start of the pandemic. Europe’s largest Spinosaurus was discovered on the Isle Of Wight.
Worried a headache presaged illness Friday morning, I minimised exercise and chores, posted a blog and managed an afternoon walk. We crossed to the church garden where one gosling slept and the other hid beneath an adult’s wing, before heading up to woods and farmland (see Cool Places). Coming back on the towpath, the Canal Dweller loudly declared he loved my Valley Life articles and a man resembling Dave Angel walked ahead of us, prompting a chorus of Moonlight Shadow.
Due to increased transmissibility of the 2 newest Omicron variants (BA.4 and BA.5), covid rates in England went up for the first time since April. Unable to wait for council tax rebate cheques to clear, the hard-up queued to cash them at pawnbrokers, losing £15 if not turned away. ONS found 52% used less domestic energy, 46%, bought less food and 40% made less non-essential car journeys – not such a bad thing. Minister Heather Wheeler apologised for calling Birmingham and Blackpool godawful places, saying the comment didn’t reflect her actual views.
About to leave the house Saturday, a sudden downpour necessitated the anorak. At the Crossings expo, we spoke to Drawing Teacher at the door and watched the photo slideshow. Overlong with too many from organisers, Phil fidgeted as we waited for mine appear. After seeing all but one, the laptop froze. We left Drawing Teacher and co-volunteers fiddling with it. The square packed with al fresco quaffers, I quipped: “the cost of living crisis biting hard!” Phil said it felt ominous. Did he mean the pub vibe? No, the air. Sure enough, another sharp shower descended. Finding the cake I made last weekend mouldy, I sulked. Phil fed the green stuff to crows and the pigeon squatters and bought one from the co-op to cheer me up.
Loud voices and a revving car woke me early Sunday. Brekkie should’ve been a breeze but a splattered tomato, broken egg, blinding sun and a crashing lid stressed me out. Phil came to the rescue. I insisted we prioritise incomplete chores that he offered to do Thursday, then edited photos, added to the ‘spring animals’ Facebook album, made one of orange and pink flowers and watched telly. Deciding we still liked Waterworld, we wondered if the film got panned 30 years ago because it was ahead of its time.
Commentators all agreeing everything was going to shit, CBI boss Tony Danker said households were going into recession this year; i.e., buying less shit. Leaked before publication Monday, the food strategy contained vague words like ‘initiative’ and ‘liaison’ and no direct interventions such as sugar tax. Getting us to eat venison was the only concrete idea. Schools were ‘deeply disappointed’ at no extension of free meals. 22% of kids eligible, Julie McCulloch of the Assoc. of School and College Leaders said poverty affected closer to 30%. McDonalds re-opened in Russia as Tasty: That’s It. In the US, demos demanded gun law changes to stop the murder of kids and Google engineer Blake Lemoine claimed his AI Lamda was sentient. It considered itself human and feared being turned off, comparing it to death. Accused of anthropomorphism, Lemoine was suspended, but what if he was right?
Relaxation techniques failing to distract me from tummy ache, I slept fitfully and still felt iffy on Monday. Hanging damp towels out in a breeze, neighbours sympathised with the travails of drying laundry in the unheated indoors. Tired from activity, I dossed before posting the haiga and writing. In the co-op later, I could hardly hear myself think – I’d forgotten how noisy it was after school! Using leftover lentils to make surprisingly good pâté, we reminisced about hippy cafés and Phil posted a 1970’s-style art.
The UK economy shrank in April for the second month in a row, further risking recession. The government blamed the negative -0.3% on covid recovery and extra spending. As the Northern Ireland protocol bill was published, Boris went to wear a Hi-Viz and drive a tractor at a farm in Hayle, Cornwall and Micheal Teashop called it a new low point. After all the palaver and whingeing last year, ALW sent a message to the last stage performance of Cinderella that it was a ‘costly mistake.’
After I wasted Tuesday morning applying hot water and defrosting spray to an ice lump in the fridge, Phil hacked it off. Going to the garden, I tripped over the empty dustbin left at the front door and waited for the window cleaner to move his hose, snaking round the corner, so I could put the bin back. I planted sprouted veg ends then attacked overgrown shrubs and creeping weeds. Warmer than it looked from inside, I was about to give up with a hot thirst when Phil emerged wearing a jacket. “Are you off somewhere?” “No.” Realising it wasn’t cold, he took it off and helped sweep debris. Yorkshire ostensibly the best place to see the full Strawberry Supermoon, it was so low here that it hid behind hills.
Wages fell 4.5% in the last quarter when 9% inflation was taken into account. Unemployment was up slightly but vacancies reached a record 1.3 million. 8.8 million inactive due to older workers retiring early during the pandemic, Jon Ashworth accused ministers of ‘utter complacency’. As persistent staff shortages fated airports to more chaos, DfT and CAA instructed airlines to cancel summer flights. Which? told the commons business committee the industry and government must jointly shoulder blame. Petrol at a record high 191.2p per litre, government pulled the plug on the electric car discount. Losing their appeal, Detention Action and PCSU called sending people to Rwanda before a full judicial review in July ‘scandalous’ and the UN High Commission for Refugees said it was ‘all wrong’. Judges assessing the move necessary to deter dangerous crossings could be construed as political. Boris cited criticism from Charlie and CofE grandees and reproached lawyers representing migrants for ‘abetting’ criminal gangs. Instead of the 100 deportations originally planned, Individual case hearings brought the figure down to 12, then 7 then 1. The ECHR stepped in to completely ground the Tuesday night flight to Kigali, saying before establishing legitimacy, there was no legal route back. Undeterred, Rwanda stood ready to welcome migrants and the UK started planning another flight. Two refugees later claimed to have been beaten up and dragged to the plane. Meanwhile, 440 arrived in dinghies. Whitby council banned second homes and the unearthed Blue Peter time capsule from 1981 was opened live on This Morning to reveal a pile of slime – slime capsule!
Coronation Chicken Kiev
Haiga – Pasture-ised
The next day starting better than the last few, we made the twice-postponed trip to Shopping Town (see Cool Places 2iii). A shame we missed PMQs, as data showing the UK had the second lowest growth rate globally with only Russia worse, Keir went on the attack. He obviously took Rayner’s advice to ‘put more welly into it’! Boris was rebuked for claiming labour were on the side of people traffickers. Nasty Patel Believed the Rwanda plot was fully compliant with domestic and international obligations. Disappointed and surprised by the ECHR decision, she blamed the ‘usual suspects’ and the opposition for thwarting her efforts against the willy of the people. She told MPs prohibitions on flights to Kigali wasn’t an absolute bar and those ordered to be freed would be tagged while relocation was ‘progressed’. Furious tories called for secession from the meddling ECHR. Did they not know The Council of Europe was set up after WWII and had nowt to do with the EU? And I bet they didn’t mind the ECHR intervening in the case of captured Brits fighting in the Donbas sentenced to death! Yvette Coop called it ‘government by gimmick’. Yep, gimmicks for gammons! Lord Geidt resigned. Not saying why in a short public statement, a letter to Boris disclosed later, indicated the final straw wasn’t Partygate but being asked to offer a view on government measures risking ‘a deliberate and purposeful breach of the ministerial code’. Deemed to concern tariffs on Chinese steel, Phil thought it bogus. A fortnight later, government extended the tariffs for 2 years, against WTO rules. The EU triggered further legal action over the NI protocol. Maros Sefcovic said the UK’s unilateral act had ‘no legal nor political justification’. One of the biggest Anglo-Saxon burial sites was uncovered on the HS2 route. At least some good came out of the glorified commuter line!
Cleaning the bedroom Thursday, Phil crawled under the bed to screw a detached leg in place, despite his back. After hoovering, I worked on the journal and pegged bedding out. The Woman Next Door and a friend chatted on her doorstep then promptly went inside – did they fear eavesdropping? In the quiet co-op, my basket totalled just short to use a coupon. The cashier let me grab one more thing for a low-cost shop. I trudged home in blazing sun and persuaded Phil out to the garden. Clearing another debris pile, we observed the myriad life including what he called springtails. Sure they were to blame for my bites, he thought it unlikely as they were a kind of shrimp. Fatigued and overheated again, I lay down.
Expecting GDP to drop by 0.3% this quarter, BOE sent a letter to Rishi stating the obvious on a succession of large economic shocks and raised the interest rate to 1.25%. British Chambers of Commerce moaned it wouldn’t address the global causes of increased business costs and labour worried of the impact on families. Shutting down ½ the rail network, Shats said strikes endangered thousands of jobs and promised legislation to enable the use of agency workers. Unions said that was unsafe and recruitment firms fretted they’d be held responsible for putting temps crossing pickets in harm’s way. On QT, the useless red wall tory said nowt and Thangam Debonnaire claimed the Rwanda ploy already wasn’t working as it didn’t deter dangerous channel crossings. Former ethics adviser Alex Allen told Newscast failure to sack Patel wasn’t the reason he resigned but didn’t explain what was. Sad his mate Geidt was put in a difficult position, he had no plans to re-apply for the post – currently on hold.
The laptop excruciatingly slow after a restart Friday, I didn’t get very far drafting blogs. As I hung another load on the line, The Woman Next Door outside reading, remarked I was always washing. “No; just making use of the good weather.” We walked up to a hillside settlement, enjoying a picnic en route (See Cool Places) and returned via the predictably rammed town centre. Boozing gammons deterred us from a pint. Sweaty and smelly, I showered and lay down to rest. Officially a heatwave, it was greyly muggy when I fetched the laundry in. A dog-walking neighbour agreed it felt like it might rain – it didn’t; for almost a week.
The jubilee bank holiday was blamed for coronavirus spreading across the UK. More hospitalisations but low ICU cases and death, total fatalities stood at 179,363. Boris avoided a conference organised by red wall tories in Doncaster by going to Ukraine, prompting the moniker Chicken Kiev. Newspaper ‘I’ aligned his calls to Vlod with dates bad news broke including Partygate and the confidence vote. Paul Scuzzball said airport staff should work longer hours. Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill knocked Harry Styles off number 1 thanks to Stranger Things. Phil advocated burning a gannet colony infested with bird flu on Bass Rock.
Listening to music Saturday, Black Star made me sad. Not because it was Bowie’s last album but because it was 6 years since the Brexit vote, Jo Cox’s murder, the death of Eldest Brother and Mum going into hospital. I put something cheerier on, edited photos and went to the co-op, spotting a reduced chicken and an old pub mate for the third time in as many weeks after not doing so for years. He did say that would keep happening! Served by a young man at the kiosk, My Mate on the adjacent till stared into space. Not bored, but having a moment. A merc indicating to turn right stopped for me at the zebra and parked on the street below. As I caught up, Councillor Friend got out. “I didn’t recognise you in that posh car!” It was her boss’, who lived in Spain. She’d given it a run to go canvassing in sunny Wakefield (unlike the overcast upper valley).
Plans to tag migrants arriving by boat was condemned for treating those fleeing persecution as criminals. New ambassador for women’s health, Dame Lesley Regan wanted one-stop community hubs and new cost of living tsar David Buttress said private companies must help with rising prices. Saying they did what they could, nice capitalist Richard Walker couldn’t increase wages but gave staff an ‘unprecedented’ 15% discount on Iceland products.
Although wobbly first thing Sunday, I arrived at the market slightly earlier than usual. Stopping to chat with a neighbour untangling roots from a large pot, we had no idea why her normally friendly dog ferociously barked at me. Besides knobbly veg, I found 2 books in the phone-box and bargain herbs in the convenience store. After washing the filthy veg, I collapsed on the sofa to recover and write.
Told on Sunday Morning airline bosses said he didn’t know what he was talking about, Shats sniggered and side-stepped blame for opening and closing borders during the pandemic. After accusing unions of bribing rail workers to strike, he took no responsibility even though he’d not spoken to them for a month, erroneously griped they’d gone on a demo instead of meeting bosses, refused to intervene, dismissed RMT calls for him to do so as a stunt and said there was no class war. Keir reckoned he ‘fed off’ the division. TSSA complained TOCs hadn’t shared plans to shut ticket offices. New army boss Gen Sanders wrote to all soldiers that we needed an army ready to fight Russia. Heatwaves saw 400C temperatures in Europe and monsoon floods killed at least 70 in Bangladesh. US kids aged over 6 months ridiculously qualified for covid jabs.
Chilly after a cold night, Monday became warm and sunny. I ignored a slight headache to strip the chicken carcass before putting food waste out. B&B Man stood on the communal wall pegging sheets, hampering recycling bin access. Still struggling after lunch, Phil suggested sitting in the sun. I snapped back shopping needed doing and some help would be good. He hung washing up while I went to the co-op for a heavy load and recovered with a cuppa outside. Phil joined me the garden bench, made gazebo-like by overhanging freesia. I lazily pulled at weeds and pruned, almost bumping into The Widower on his fourth walk-past. I then attacked an overgrown buddleia on the adjacent steps. Phil helped sweep before a doze amid the sounds of birds and bees, interrupted by Phil chuntering and Walking Friend’s hello, on her way to meet The Poet. I sleepily lay on the bed and briefly nodded off with book in hand. Phil sighing loudly in the evening, I asked what was up. He wasn’t making enough money. The war actually partly responsible for Shitterstock work drying up, he decided to give up the Leeds studio. With hindsight, he could’ve done so ages ago but who knew things would be this shit 2 years on? He rang the council next morning to arrange to vacate within 3 months. Coronation Chicken was a couple of weeks late but made a delicious retro dinner.
2 million with long-covid, Kings College found 50% less chance from Omicron as opposed to Delta. Sufferer Terence Burke won a case to be classed as disabled, clearing the way for an unfair dismissal claim. Last ditch talks to avert strikes fruitless, Psycho Patrick Bateman defended Boris on Newsnight, calling rail practices Spanish and 19th century. Still refusing to intervene, banging on about modernisation could be seen as incitement. Halfords offered free bike hire. Luggage piling up, Heathrow imposed a cap. EasyJet cut summer flights by 10% and Ryanair promised rescue flights. Their Stanstead base not as badly hit, O’Leary attributed ground staff shortages to Brexit.
Slightly more sleep led to a better start Tuesday. A waning half-moon and sun blazing through the landing window, I wondered was it a solstice phenomenon? English Heritage ludicrously placed netting on Stonehenge to bar nesting jackdaws. We researched local standing stones for our own midsummer jaunt but went to a clough instead. Even in the shade, we struggled with heat and dehydration (see Cool Places).
On the first day of the strike, Keir wrote to shadow ministers telling them not to join RMT picket lines. Diane Abbot was one of several labour MPs to defy him. A Cloudflare crash affected millions of coffee-cuppers working from home. Metro reported on Londoners struggling to work on buses. Lucky for them they weren’t Arriva, in the 3rd week of striking up north. NEU to ballot teachers on possible industrial action in the autumn unless offered a pay rise above 3%, NHS, fire and postal workers could also strike, after new inflation figures Wednesday and Boris babbling about ‘staying the course’ but promising a return to triple lock pensions meaning a 9.1% increase. Where was the parity? Unite said ‘cost of living’ bonuses up to £3,000 offered to Lloyds and Rolls Royce staff, fell short of what was needed.
No Reasons To Be Cheerful
Haiga – High Summer
After lengthily cleaning the kitchen Wednesday, I collapsed on the sofa for PMQs. Not answering a question on allegedly requesting an official appointment for Carrie, Boris wittered about high employment. Keir wanted to know how many meetings ministers held to avert strikes? An evasive PM insisted they were the party of the railways. Keir answered the question – none – yet Boris had time to attend a lavish do and sell a £120,000 meeting. To claims the government blamed everyone else, contradicted each other on pay rises and cuts, rolled over on banker’s bonuses and slashed nurses’ pay, Boris attacked picketing labour MPs and spouted the usual crud on taking tough decisions.
Hanging upstairs rugs on the line to expunge dust, The Widower happened to pass. “Do you have a carpet-beater?” “Somewhere.” While he looked, I used a telescopic duster and Phil used his fists. The Widower not finding the beater, I said: “We’re improvising. Phil’s pretending it’s Boris Johnson, or any other tory of your choice!” Old upholstery spray cleaner meant for cars was effective and quick-drying in the hot sun. Refreshing with homemade pop, I greeted The Decorator backing into the last parking space. The Woman Next Door then stopped right in front of us. In the middle of doing stuff, I politely asked her not to. She said she’d just unload and left the engine running, forcing me to move from the bench. A lovely early evening, the sun briefly reached the nearer bench. I sat with the Kindle watching news until the sun moved out of range and BBC London came on. Planning mushroom pasta for dinner, 2/3 of a value box had gone fuzzy. Not a bargain if you chucked most of them! I thought substitute chilli was ample for 2 days but there wasn’t much left. Phil denied being a greedy git.
NAO reckoned Ofgem added £94 to every household gas bill by letting weak suppliers into the market, leading to collapse. After accusing the government of lying on Newsnight, Mick Lynch asked Carole Gammone on Jeremy Vine ‘what are you even saying?’ Quite! She was in favour of the pensions rise as nobody could live on £250 a week. They and me, lived on half that! Only 50% of northern trains running between strike days, TSSA settled for an extra 7.2% but RMT talks broke down. Lynch said Shats wrecked negotiations ‘by not allowing Network Rail to withdraw their letter threatening redundancy for 2,900 of our members’. Until the government unshackled them and TOCs, there’d be no settlement. Delightfully-named Network Rail negotiator Tim Shovellor insisted the majority of job losses would come from ‘voluntary redundancy and natural wastage’. Were his ancestors steam engine firemen? A clause was hastily added to the Bill of Rights to ignore ECHR injunctions before Rabid Raab presented it to the commons (ref Rwanda). Vaccine-derived polio virus detected in London sewers sparked a nationwide hunt for the culprit and calls for parents to get their sprogs immunised. An Afghanistan earthquake killed 1,000. The useless Taliban halted a search for survivors the next day.
Though warm and still Thursday, cloudy skies deterred me from painting windowsills. Hefting shopping back from the co-op, I was startled by a dog behind a hippy van on the street below barking. Not at me but Next-Door-But-One ahead of me on the steps. Already nervy, my bad mood intensified when the handle on the so-called bag for life broke, tumbling loose mushrooms to the floor. Rain came in the form of a light shower at siesta time, lulling me into a 15 minute snooze.
Brexit Day Cartoon
On the 2nd day of the rail strike, the local mill café owner whinged of no customers to Look North and Kwasi Modo said using agency staff wouldn’t undermine safety. Unions disagreed. BA check-in staff threatened peak season strikes at Heathrow if pay reductions made during covid restrictions weren’t reinstated. Not even asking for an increase, bosses claimed some staff were offered the 10% back – yeah, managers!
No bunting or parties to celebrate 6 years since the referendum results were declared, I turned off Newscast when Nasty Nigel appeared and found an apt cartoon for Brexit Island asking: how’s that going? Meanwhile, the EU started a 10-year process to admit Ukraine. A UK rise in racially-aggravated assault was attributed to Euro 2020. Over the pond, Owen Diaz turned down $12m compensation for racism at Tesla.
Friday, I tackled the kitchen runner. The spray ineffective, woven chickens re-appeared after applying liquid cleaner. I went outside in sultry afternoon warmth before more rain came (fine drizzle rather than predicted yellow thunder, a distant rumble was heard) and hacked at rhododendron near the back wall, accidentally lopping off quince branches. Resting was disturbed by Shed Boy and mate communicating unintelligibly.
An estimated 23% rise on the previous week, 1:35 with covid worried health experts. The unjabbed were urged to get one, the elderly to be boosted, and the infected to not spread it. Imperial College found vaccines saved 19.8 million lives; in rich countries. The tories lost by-elections in Wakefield to Labour and Tiverton where Lib Dems overturned a seismic 24,000 margin. A ‘distressed and disappointed’ Oliver Dowdy resigned as party chair at 5.30 a.m. Hobnobbing at CHOGM** in Kigali while Carrie and Camilla had a nice chat, Boris said he’d keep going and address concerns of voters who wanted him to get on with the job. Err, no; they wanted you to jog on! Dreadful Doris tweeted he faced the worst cost of living crisis since WW11. Perhaps that was the one preceding Halo. Reviewing the new Paramount+ series, Jeremy Vine queried why in futuristic sci-fi’s, the world was always a desert – duh! National debt interest reached a record £7.6 billion. Outgoing CBI chair Bilimoria advised tax cuts. The US supreme court ended the constitutional right to abortion. Pro-lifers rejoiced, others warned of back-street terminations and death. Together with allowing gun-toting in the streets and coalpits to choke the air, The Trump might as well still be in charge. A choked Amy Garcia announced the sudden death of former Look North colleague Harry Gration.
Shed Boy noisily scraping out weeds woke me early Saturday. Inevitably followed by pressure washing, we’d wondered how long they’d let the joyful blooms flourish! At The Great Get-Together in the park, we perused stalls, picked up worthy freebies and joked with Councillor Friend and her Partner that a unit of beer on alcohol measuring cups wasn’t even a ½ pint. When did that happen? Maybe the cup should be expandable or telescopic! Not much for adults, no free cake left and music deafening, we headed to the quiet of a riverside bench and searched for fish, espying piles of rubbish instead. Gusts of wind and spots of rain ominous, we went home along the canal. At the river bridge, trout swam in the languorous shallows topped by car pollution. Shed Boy sweeping up, I asked if he’d take detritus I’d cleared from the steps along with his stuff to the tip. He said yes, if he got someone to take him. Thanking him, I silently queried why he couldn’t use his own transport. As the sun re-emerged, I topped up the binbags with more veg matter from the steps.
On Sunday Morning, Swiss Toni spouted the usual tory crap. Sharon Graham called David Lammy refusing to support BA strikes a new low for labour. Politics North extrapolated from the Wakefield by-election, most Yorkshire seats turning red. The laptop inexplicably turning itself off overnight, I restarted to post my brother’s birthday card on Facebook and write a haiga. Sewing the rest of the day made my fingers sore.
As Russia resumed bombing Kyiv, the G7 meeting in Bavaria put a price cap on their oil, banned their gold and joked about emulating Putin’s posing. Putin advised working on themselves before baring all. Boris bantered with Justin on who had the bigger plane. Chris Bryant called his hubris deranged. Prince Charlie accepting $3m cash donations in carrier bags from Qatar raised questions of undue influence. A suspected terrorist attack killed 2 men in Oslo. Pride events cancelled, some defiantly marched a couple of days later.
Barely able to keep my eyes open, it took a while to sleep and I woke after 2 hours feeling woozy and my Monday morning, I had pain across my forehead. I managed to fetch the laptop to post the haiga and write in bed. Depressed by debilitation, maybe it wasn’t such a surprise as I’d done many different things in the 6 weeks since the last bout, which was quite good-going. Fetching my lunch, an empty cereal box balancing on the tray for the recycling pile, fell under my feet on the stairs. Unable to move, I shouted for Phil’s help and fell back in bed exhausted. He disposed of rubbish and went to the co-op for basics plus reduced ham. Repose disturbed by the now daily ritual of geese in the street below, I looked out to see the growing goslings picking at moss between cobbles, as adults kept watch for cats and cars and Shed Girl tried to tempt them with grass for phone pics.
A recommended 15% rise in legal aid fees not implemented, barristers went on strike. A juniors salary of £12,000 more like that of a barista, did they mix up the job descriptions? Cruise missiles killed at least 20 when they hit a shopping centre in Kremenchuk. Decrying a war crime, Vlod asked G7 for more defence systems. In response to Russian aggression, relevant leaders went straight from Bavaria to Madrid to agree a boost to NATO’s Allied Reaction Force on the eastern flank. Boris pledged UK military spending would increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2028. In Westminster, the NI protocol bill passed the first commons vote and Dreadful Doris hosted a summit of broadband and mobile providers who made ‘stay connected’ pledges. A man shot dead an Atlanta Subway worker over too much mayo on his butty and 48 migrants boiled to death in an abandoned truck outside San Antonio. Another 2 later died in hospital and 3 men were arrested.
Rarely rising from my sickbed Tuesday, diggers beeping ‘stand clear’ and sirens screeching down the valley joined the squawking geese to hamper rest. Phil catered. His special omelette with ham, mushrooms and cheese was reminiscent of Greek holiday lunches!
2021 Census results showed the population in England and Wales grew 6%, less than expected, with 1:6 over 65. Baroness Heather Hallett began the delayed Covid-19 public inquiry. 7,000 in hospital, Jeremy Vine and Storm both had covid. Stand-ins asked was it time to reintroduce measures? Nobody would take any notice! Doctor Sarah advised face-masks in crowded places. MP/barrister turned commentator Gerry Hayes said the court system had ‘fallen apart’ and the cabinet were spineless. With ‘substantial and persistent concerns’ The Met were on special measures. That didn’t stop 20 cops arresting Stop Brexit man Steve Bray, on the day the Police, Crime, Sentencing & Courts Act came into force. BMA members urged to ‘channel their inner Mick Lynch’, it was hard to sympathise with GPs on £100k demanding an extra 30%.
After a bad night, I watched PMQs in bed Wednesday. The Bumbler still galivanting, Rabid Raab faced Rayner in Kung Fu Panda heels. Spouting the usual codswallop, he cheekily winked and jibed at her. She asked, with Boris vowing to stay on until 2030, would the party prop him up that long? Raab quipped he’d last longer than her leader to which she retorted, we couldn’t stomach him for 8 minutes, never mind 8 years. She was closer to the truth, as it turned out.
Unexpectedly charged another month’s studio rent, Phil stopped the direct debit and headed for Leeds. I thought it’d do him good to feel active, but he was so skint I had to give him the train fare. Seeing him off, the trellis strew the pavement again. It wasn’t even windy! I shooed him away and went out in my dressing gown to prop the dam thing up, glad the weather was slightly better than the previous two days. Left to my own devices, I brooded on the dire financial situation to be interrupted by Phil phoning to ask if I needed anything from Wilkos. I told him to get glue to fix a fragile old book I was reading. Stocks so low customers asked were they closing down and a 9 week wait for supplies, was it from Ukraine? Fuzzy from another short afternoon sleep, I juggled with dinner, irked when Phil rang from the return train. Forgetting to eat and drink all day, he scoffed food and gulped liquids. He’d made friends with a guy from an old Leeds rock band who took loads of the pesky furniture for his music studio.
After 6 months suspension on full pay, a written warning and a FPN for partying during lockdown, Sheffield council boss Kate Josephs apologised and returned to work. Harriet Harman would lead the Privileges Committee investigation into Boris’ lies.
During a terrible night, external humming and brightness vied with the stupid flashing laptop. Mediation led to fitful sleep. Thus Thursday started badly. Phil was also tired, from lugging furniture. Off to Leeds again, I griped at lack of communication and not being told anything until reaching crisis point. “I didn’t want to worry you.” No warning even more stressful, I asked: “Were you going to wait ‘til we were literally choosing between heating and eating?” Considering options, he searched for local part-time jobs. What the hell was a food production operative? Depressed because he’d tried hard to make self-employment work, he declared himself a loser. “No you’re not. You couldn’t know about covid or the war.” I made him a butty to take, nipped out to peg fusty towels on the line and went back to bed. Very warm, I opened the window as the racket which had plagued me since Monday abated and picked up the laptop when Phil called from Leeds, panicking he’d left an empty wheelie case in the park. Irked I’d have to go for it, I saw it near the door and rang him back. “Sorry, my mind’s all over the place.” “Calm down,” I screamed ironically. Mollified by an apology, I said at least he hadn’t lost the case. Too jittery to write, I hoovered the bedroom and brought the towels in as a woman walked a beautiful shiny black Labrador ‘puppy in training’ past.
Chris The Pincher resigned as tory whip after getting pissed and groping men at the Carlton Club. Labelled a Pound Shop Harvey Weinstein in 2017 by Alex Story, an official complaint and suspension from the party came the next day. Piers Corbyn got a fine for organising the Trafalgar Square anti-lockdown demos. An upgrade to the Trans-Pennine line between Huddersfield and Dewsbury was finally announced – already pretty good, what about the crap line we relied on? Ukraine claimed to have re-taken the tiny but strategic Black Sea Snake Island. Russia said they withdrew as a gesture of goodwill. Unlikely to alleviate the grain crisis, nobody was jubilant.
* PCSU – Public Communications Service Union
**CHOGM – Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting
“As I have said for years…it’s far more expensive to be poor. Now the experts in data gathering are backing that up” (Jack Munroe)
Disingenuity
Haiga – Salad Daze
We spent May Day hairdressing. It was good to have my dull rainbow hair coloured in, but I strained my shoulder showering dye off. Panicked by alarming grill noises later, I jarred the same shoulder which also sported an itchy insect bite.
Bank Holiday Monday dull and damp, at least it wasn’t pouring like a year ago. I forced myself to exercise the shoulder, did boring chores and went to the co-op, seeing New Gran on her way to the community pub. “For a change from the usual?” I joked. “Well, it is a bank holiday; not that I need an excuse!” she laughed. She was dithering over buying a painting for her older daughter who recently turned 30 and gave birth. Two men sat twiddling their fingers in the art shop, wouldn’t let her in. They obviously didn’t need her custom!
Scotland closed covid testing sites; those with fever were instructed to stay home. The weekend awash with Ploughboy memes referencing Neil Parish, and accounts of a ‘sexist of the year’ award at No. 10’s Christmas party, Lindsay Hoyle wanted radical action to change parliament’s ‘cosy culture of debauchery’. Jeremy Vine discussed ‘sexism training’ for MPs. “They don’t need any!” chortled Phil. After an 11 day pause in dinghy crossings, 254 migrants arrived, making a total of 7,240 for the year so far, treble that for the same period 2021. 100 civilians were evacuated from Mariupol before a major onslaught and Serge told Italian telly Hitler had Jewish blood and the ‘biggest antisemites are Jews’. Israeli counterpart Yair Lapril hit back: “only Nazis are Nazis” and demanded the Russian ambassador apologise.
Completing a postal ballot for the local election I couldn’t remember whether to detach the declaration. The step-by-step guide made it sound more complicated than it was. Though tired, I went to post it Tuesday afternoon and bought cough drops. My head heavy after Sweet Shop Man whinged about prices, I trudged home. Despite fatigue, I got little sleep.
On BBC Breakfast, Keir took responsibility for a colleague originally saying Rayner wasn’t at Beergate but accused tories of mud-slinging ahead of elections – it didn’t compare to Downing Street’s industrial scale shenanigans. As a curry house back-tracked on claims 30 dishes were delivered to the Durham office, Richard Holden urged local police to re-investigate. Meanwhile on GMB, Boris promised more help with the cost of living but referenced the previously announced phased-in support. Challenged on 77 year old Elsie riding buses to avert fuel costs, he lauded the 24-hour freedom pass as his idea. Jon Ashworth spluttered: “It is utterly shameful that pensioners have no choice but to sit on the bus all day to avoid racking up heating bills at home…to respond by boasting about the London bus pass reveals just how out of touch this narcissistic prime minister is.” BP’s first quarter profits £5 billion, they expected to pay £1 bn extra tax and invest £18 bn in North Sea oil and gas and renewables by 2030. 2 days later, Shell announced profits of £7.2 bn, almost triple for 2021, and pledged to invest £20-25 bn in the UK over the next decade. Greenpeace joined calls for a windfall tax, to “ease pressure on households feeling the pinch and reduce our dependence on oil and gas.” Shit-show P&O restarted passenger ferries. On video link to the Ukraine parliament, Boris rebounded Vlod’s ‘finest hour’ words and promised a £300 m aid package. Vlod warned the Black Sea blockade threatened a world grain crisis. UEFA banned Russian teams for the next season. In court, families began a class action law suit for ‘inordinate and unreasonable delays’ processing visas for the Homes for Ukraine scheme, ex-pub landlord Tarek Namouz allegedly sent covid loans to Isis, anti-lockdowner Lance O’Connor got fined £50 for holding up a makeshift gallows outside parliament and Notts police chief Caroline Henry was clocked speeding 5 times in 12 weeks.
No PMQs Wednesday because of the elections, I enjoyed the peace, ordered vitamin D and texted Walking Friend who was about to go on a jolly in the lakes. Continuing the spring clean, I heaved the study sideboard out to vacuum dust clumps and added coins to bank bags I’d stashed months ago.
Blaming fuel rises not the war affecting fertiliser and feed costs, Useless George suggested as aggressive supermarket competition kept prices low on ‘things like chicken and poultry’ (sic), we buy cheaper own-brand foods. Lambasting the patronising and ‘woefully out of touch government’, Pat McFadden said they had ‘no solution to the cost of living crisis’ and Wendy Chamberlain said they were ‘living in a parallel universe’. Money Saving Expert had already advised downshifting a brand to cut shopping bills by 30%. Way ahead of you, Martin! The UK implemented 63 new sanctions, vetoed service provision but not lawyering, and the EU would implement a ban on Russian oil ‘in an orderly fashion’ Natürlich!
Oversleeping Thursday, I rushed to do washing before an Ocado delivery. Arriving a tad late, the grumpy driver unbelievably queried why he’d bothered coming at all! Waiting to peg sheets on the line, the window cleaner’s van blocked access and his hose snaked up to the houses opposite. As I hauled the groceries down, a stupid bottle carrier broke and beer smashed on the floor. Mopping up a lake, I slid and got broken glass in my hand. Meanwhile, the window cleaner did our front then disappeared again! I waited a vexing full hour to get the van shifted. Before Phil went voting, I recited useful do’s and don’ts according to the BBC such as: take your kids but don’t let them write on the ballot paper, vote if you’d been drinking but not be disruptive, and not take selfies. Nobody in the polling station, he chatted to Counsellor Friend in town, trying not to swear when yummy mummies approached. She won by a stonking majority. Tories lost hundreds of seats countrywide to liberal and labour gains including 2 London councils and the new South Yorks and Cumberland authorities. Keir declared it a major turning point but the BBC unbelievably tried to spin their wins as losses. Boris vowed the government was “absolutely determined to keep going with every ounce of compassion and ingenuity that we have” That’s about an ounce then, you disingenuous twat!
I lodged a refund request and complaint with Ocado, and thought we might as well get the rest of the shopping done to leave Friday free. Too tired to do anything on returning from the co-op, I whined at a crap day. I did find a spark of energy early evening to sow sowed wildflower seeds. Phil popped out to enjoy birds’ evensong and spot wild garlic on a neighbour’s steps.
The polls shut, Fiona Bruce bizarrely pointed out the QT audience mainly voted tory. Nowt new there then! Dismissing a windfall tax, disgraced-by-porn ex-minister Damian Green insisted oil companies already paid more corporation tax. The Black (Brexit) Farmer got booed saying Boris delivered. Louise Haigh maintained there was a vast difference between Partygate and Beergate and police were clear labour broke no laws. Unfortunately for her, the investigation re-opened the next day in light of new evidence. Mr. Green said nowadays, MPs were more honest about transgressions and blamed wider society – aka twitter. Screenwriter Jack Thorne said ministers were definitely in a bubble with no experience of real life, and should face manslaughter charges for excess care home deaths when covid tests were restricted early in the pandemic. The Brexit Farmer stuck to the line of lack of information leading to bad decisions. Ms. Haigh reminded us Jon Ashworth warned of the dangers of discharging patients early 2020 but they didn’t care. During droney election results, I retired to lie in a stupor, have a long dream and wake in the early hours.
The WHO attributed epidemic levels of obesity in Europe partly to covid lockdowns. An estimated 15 million covid deaths globally, triple those officially recorded, in India it was 10 times more and above average in the UK. As it was announced London’s Elizabeth Line would open 4 years late on 24th May in time for the queens’ platinum jubilee, Shats threatened to refer Khan to the electoral commission. Calling him a sourpuss, Khan retorted it was up to TfL, not the mayor. 650 Yorkshire Arriva bus drivers offered a below inflation pay rise of 4.1%, voted to strike indefinitely from 6th June. Warning of contracted growth in the last quarter of 2022 and a recession in 2023, the BoE interest rate rose to 1%. The pound promptly fell against the dollar and euro. A semi-conductor shortage led to less car production. Were they from Ukraine too?
The weather too crap to go out Friday, I hoovered the landing, prompting a cactus on the windowsill to fall apart. Phil tackled a bathroom sink blockage. So much for a fun day!
Based on random testing, ONS reported UK covid infections down 32% in the past week. Bill Gates outlined future plans for a global pandemic response on The One Show, which could stop the spread within 100 days, according to his book. Convenience chain McColl’s set to collapse threatening 1,100 shops and 16,000 jobs, a Morrison’s takeover was confirmed Monday.
Unbelievably sleeping 7 hours straight, a muffled knock seeped into my dreams Saturday. As Phil got up, I vaguely grasped it’d be the vitamins. Glancing at the clock, I was shocked at the hour and still tired despite extra kip. I stayed home, writing and gardening. Sunday, we went in search of bluebells. The nearby wood didn’t disappoint with an extensive spread. We also got a first glimpse of kids but no lambs. We returned via the towpath where a goose couple herded their fluffy brood, ducked in the convenience store and hurried through the packed square. (For more details, see Cool Placesi)
Sinn Fein won a historic victory in Northern Ireland with the neutral Alliance Party third. The DUP blocked reforming Stormont and Rabid Rabb threatened to rip up the Brexit protocol. As it emerged the Beergate curry was planned and Keir was accused of ‘quaffing’ San Miguel, Nandy called him ‘Mr. Rules’, said he’d self-isolated 6 times and probably knew the law better than the cops. The next day Keir and Rayner said they’d do the decent thing if fined. Tod Bowley of LA Dodgers, bought Chelsea FC. In a classic Leeds United move, a sliding tackle got Luke Ayling sent off.
Supercilious
Haiga – Uncaptured
Phil was contacted by a well-known retailer with a view to selling prints in their flagship store. The gig paid 5%. Stingy, but better than 0% or 10 cents from Shitterstock. He spent Monday selecting brutalist photos for a proposal. I posted a haigaii, an album of bluebells (slightly more popular than the dandelions), worked on the journal and went to the co-op. On the way back, New Gran walked down the street with her mum behind, and daughter and grandchild in front. Four generations in neat chronological order!
The cost of living biting hard, 1:7 households skipped meals. Staff issues, a lack of Border Farce guards and a travel spike, led to queues outside Birmingham airport, EasyJet removing seats from planes and Shats allowing new recruits to start training before passing security checks. Swiss Toni met Northern Irish party leaders in Belfast. The DUP repeated a refusal to appoint a deputy first minister until the protocol issue was resolved; Micheal Teashop said it could be. Over the weekend, 60 civilians were killed sheltering in the village school in Bilohorivka. On Russian Victory Day, Putin said NATO posed ‘unacceptable threats’ but didn’t declare ‘all-out war’ as promised. Saying he told fairy tales, Ben Wally compared the despot to a Nazi and pledged another £1.3 million to Ukraine. Protestors waved Ukrainian flags and shouted ‘murderer!’ at Russian ambassador to Poland, Sergey Andreev. Ukrainian refugee Iryna Zenlyana had to flee after chucking borscht at him. Vlod awarded Jack Russel Patron a military service medal for unearthing 200 explosives.
Tuesday, I posted the journal’s April entry, got rid of the dead cactus, reused the pot and chanced sprouting celery in the greenhouse, protected from slugs by the last of a roll of copper tape.
His mum suffering ‘episodic’ mobility issues, Bonny Prince Charlie read the 8 mins 45 secs queens speech. Even he looked bemused in ridiculous Admiral of The Fleet regalia. Starting with plans for high-wage, high-skill jobs, it went onto list a load of stuff we already knew and a pile of guff on Brexit. Predictably no immediate help, Keir called it: “The latest chapter in a pathetic response to the cost of living crisis.” The IPPR said it was ‘cosmetic surgery for an economy facing a heart attack’ and Child Poverty Action lamented ‘a far cry from what struggling families needed to hear’. The CBI welcomed ambitions for a growing economy. Well, the capitalist would, wouldn’t they? The 2-year programme belied speculation of an early general election. Phil reckoned it was because Boris knew tories were too spineless to get rid of him. I thought he was the spineless one, having taken out everything that upset back-benchers.
Aberdeen University and King’s College found diabetes trebled the risk of severe covid and doubled that of death but could decline if well-managed. in an effort to disrupt supply lines, Odesa was pounded. Russia’s modern precision weapons depleted, old Soviet stock was more likely to miss intended targets.
Waking with tummy ache Wednesday, I struggled on. Crap morning weather, depression and fatigue mitigated against a planned trip to big town. I moped. Despite Phil’s efforts to cheer me up and the sun coming out, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. In the end, I finished spring cleaning the study, left him to hang pictures on dust-free walls, steamed winter coats and asked for help putting them away. Normally doable by standing on the bed, he fetched the ladders. When I said even I could do it with ladders, a tiff ensued, worsening my exhaustion.
On BBC Breakfast, a supercilious Glove-Puppet dismissed the idea of an emergency budget and affected silly voices: “It’s an example of some commentators trying to take a statement that is commonsensical, turning it into – capital letters – a big news story, when The Treasury quite rightly say ‘calm down’ ” (in a Scouse accent). Rayner tweeted: “Is the cost of living crisis just a joke to them? This is not a serious government. We need an emergency budget right now.” Nandy said Gove was “making jokes and using silly voices while families across the country are struggling to survive. This isn’t a game…Take it seriously. Do your job”. He also told GMB calls for Boris to resign over Partygate were ‘bonkeroony’. “Snifferoony more like!” snorted Phil. Memes of The Puppet sniffing coke ensued.
The poorest hit harder now than at the height of covid as rising prices and government policy pushed 1.5 m into poverty, NIESR* suggested a £25 a week increase in Universal Credit to stop ¼ million households ‘sliding into extreme poverty’. Labour MP Alex Cunningham said there should be no need for food banks. Ashfield MP Lee Anderson, ex-miner and labour councillor turned tory twat, incredulously replied there wasn’t; if people budgeted and cooked properly, they could make a meal from scratch for 30p. Tracy Bin proposed a £2 cap on Yorkshire bus fares. Ukraine cut off a gas pipeline to Europe. Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Akleh was shot dead in the West Bank. Palestinians blamed, her colleague who survived the attack knew it was Israeli soldiers. Police waded into her funeral Friday, hit mourners with batons and almost toppled the coffin. Dan James was sent off during Leeds United’s 3-0 defeat to Chelsea. More red cards than any other team, at least they’d win something this season!
On the market Thursday, a couple told Jolly Veg Man about the Eden Project coming to Morecambe. Comparing it to Southport and Blackpool. As Jolly Veg called the latter kitsch, I extolled its virtues. An old mate chipped in he used to go for Northern Soul weekends and recently visited while protesting against fracking on Preston New Road. He worried that not only would the public order bill ban direct action (XR vowed millions would take to the streets against it), the security bill allowed authorities to break the law. He agreed even tories were realising Boris was awful, excepting gammons saying ‘at least he got Brexit done’. “I’m still waiting for Rees-Moggy to tell us what the benefits are!” Phil joined me in the square and we headed into the Mill Café. Not tempted by the menu, we made a quick exit, laughing at a lamp made from a cheap old camera in the shop window – a snip at £75! In the tearoom garden, we debated the NI protocol. Phil thought Irish Joe would stop them scrapping it. The next day, Lord Frosty said Joe should keep out of it. Would Airforce One be landing soon? Phil spent ages browsing the camera cabinet in the big charity shop and got nowt. I bought DVDs, an old postcard and a dress. Looking posh, it was, incredibly, Matalan! In the children’s hospice shop, we found Photographer Friend. With a recent penchant for the colour, she tried on a pair of orange sandals. I observed they were too big. Phil disagreed. Luckily, she took my advice.
A caller told Jeremy Vine that at his food bank, a woman called tory policy ‘capitalism for the poor and socialism for the rich’ i.e., the poor had to pay their own way while the rich got tax breaks. Touché! GDP shrank by 0.1% in March, largely due to less retail spending. Rishi blamed Putin and ‘other global challenges’ (which he couldn’t make ‘disappear’) rather than Brexit or government inaction. National Grid did a deal with Ofgem to pay us £200 million excess profits; which worked out at £9 per household over 2 years. Wow! At an away day in Stoke, Boris instructed cabinet to find ways of cutting civil servants by 1/5. The biggest departments being the crucial ones like health, DWP, MOD, and as the PCS pointed out, DVLA and Passport Office clearing a backlog, furious unions warned of strikes. Mark Serwotka, said: “This is not about efficiency. This is about the prime minister trying to create a smokescreen to detract from his utter shambles of a government.” Dave Penman, FDA added: “without an accompanying strategy these cuts appear…like culture wars or even worse, ill-thought out, rushed job slashes.” Prospect’s Mike Clancy called it: “an outrageous act of vandalism on our public services…Throughout Brexit and the pandemic, we have never been more reliant…on our civil service.” After BP said it wouldn’t affect investment, Rishi apparently told Treasury staff to investigate a windfall tax. Boris conceded: “we’ll have to look at it.” Another 50 Partygate fines brought the total to over 100, many relating to the December 2020 Christmas party. As the EU prepared to lift requirements for flight passengers to wear masks next Monday, Lufthansa stopped Orthodox Jews boarding at Frankfurt for refusing to wear them. They later apologised. After Boris co-signed military agreements with both countries, spooked by the Ukrainian invasion, traditionally neutral Sweden and Finland (with an 800-mile land border with Russia) applied to join NATO. Boffins grew cress in soil from the moon and an EHT** collaboration took the first photos of a 40 million miles-wide supermassive black hole.
Squatter
Friday 13th, I’d forgot I’d left the laptop updating overnight and waited impatiently for it to restart. Combined with Phil’s ramblings interrupting my thoughts, it was some time before I could write.
Dodging dust from Shed Man sawing chipboard for oversized planters, I headed to the co-op for the usual gaps on shelves and reduced steak. I spotted Phil at the kiosk and sent him back for mushrooms while I loaded the conveyor.
Coming back, he pointed to a pigeon nesting in an ‘air brick’ at the back of house, explaining quizzical looks through the kitchen window – we had a squatter!
North Korea admitted they had coronavirus due to Omicron. Carlsberg boss Martin Entwistle lost an unfair dismissal case for holding a piss-up in a brewery during restrictions. Suffering heavy losses in Donbas, Russia threatened to cut off Finland’s gas while Ukraine started the first war crimes trial. A Russian tank commander pleaded guilty. Maybe a life sentence was preferable to returning to Russia.
Shed Man’s hammering woke me early Saturday. I tossed and turned ‘til 9, then he stopped! Milk in the jug lumpy, I replenished but that also turned to cheese. Still in date, was the warm weather, crap co-op stock-keeping or Brexit to blame? A beautiful day, I ignored tiredness to visit a higher wood, our efforts rewarded by our first lambs, more bluebells and poppies. Gorgeous but somewhat strenuous, back home I experienced wooziness and deafening tinnitus. Both overheated, tepid showers helped (for more details, see Cool Places i)
Sam Ryder’s stellar Eurovision performance put the UK top of the judges’ leader board. Inevitably overtaken by Ukraine thanks to the public, what was the point of the interminable voting? Germany came last and France sang in Breton – almost English! Kalush Orchestra later auctioned their trophy for £713,000 and raffled the frontman’s pink hat for £293,000 towards the war effort. Gone midnight, we watched a short film and I attempted to photograph the almost-full super blood moon just as clouds covered it.
Ed Millipede called a windfall tax ‘an unanswerable case’ and urged Rishi ‘get on with it’. On Sunday Morning, Wannabee PM Jeremy C**t said it wasn’t the time for a leadership change and Kwasi Modo unbelievably said they didn’t expect the EU to fully implement the Northern Ireland protocol. Politics North footage showed outraged gammons meeting in Linton-on-Ouse village hall after letters to government went unanswered. the RAF base was called Alcatraz and Guantanamo-on-Ouse. Gammon-on-Ouse more like! Refugees slated to arrive within weeks, there was no sign of them by the end of the month. Ministers said arrangements weren’t finalised. A statute of Thatcher in Grantham was egged during installation.
Ludicrous
Haiga – Colour Burst
Even with an anorak, taking rubbish out on a wet Monday made me soggy and moody. I checked when Walking Friend would arrive. Right then, as it turned out. Heading to town, we came across The Poet who checked details for wild swimming and a bonfire with their Bradford Friend Wednesday. Having lunch in the Mill Café, I initially thought grittiness was in lettuce but it was actually the day’s special of spinach frittata. The waitress took it away to be replaced by a regular toasty. Finishing tea on the terrace, my friend unbelievably received a call asking her to work. She declined at such short notice. In the small hospice shop, a guidebook to the lakes omitted her holiday spot. Perhaps that’s why she found it so idyllic. As the sun emerged, she asked if I fancied a hike. “No way! I’m already flagging and still need to go to the co-op.” Bargain shopping en route, I got dinner plates and a scarf, which I tried wrapping round the plates to stop them banging my legs. Now too hot for the anorak, I stuffed it in the carrier. A small girl on the wavy steps wore a tiara and another a pinny and cap. We speculated as to whether it was fancy dress or normal everyday attire. As we parted ways, I staggered to the co-op. The ATM empty, I resentfully paid for 2 items by card and struggled home, cursing the heavy crockery – at £2.50 for 4 and an exact match for our cracked ones, I couldn’t pass them up. I collapsed on the sofa where Phil predictably tutted at the food grit story – he’d have eaten it without complaint. A siesta fruitless, I sighed with fatigue. As he eyed me askance, I reminded him rather harshly, he’d promised to dispose of dead flowers. He snapped back he would do it. Upset, I stomped to the bedroom and heard him going to the bins before coming to see if I needed anything. Calmer by then, I replied I’d just needed some time to myself.
Towing the party line on focusing on long-term economic growth, safeguarding minister Helen Maclean incredibly said the answer for some was to work more hours or get another job. A caller told Jeremy Vine many food bank users already had 2 jobs and still couldn’t afford to eat. Ian Murray called the advice ludicrous and out of touch and Frances O’Grady called it ‘a bit rich’. What do you expect from rich tory snobs? McDonalds were to sell all 850 Russian restaurants.
Feeling terrible Tuesday, I stayed in bed. Phil seemed surprised that my exhaustion hadn’t dissipated overnight. “You still don’t get it!” I railed. “Yes I do.” After bathing, I fetched the laptop to write while he got supplies. During afternoon coffee, I hurled mouldy grapes out the bathroom window. They landed neatly in the community garden. I doubted they’d grow into vines.
3.7% unemployment, there were more vacancies than jobless for the first time in almost 50 years, but wages stayed low. Disparities in Yorkshire, especially between Bradford and Leeds, were stark. Calling it a postcode lottery, National Energy Action complained those who didn’t pay by direct debit faced longer waits for council tax rebates and as vulnerable families turned off their gas and leccy, Feeding Britain called on Ofgem to intervene. The Police Fed gave Nasty Patel a hard time. Fair enough, but why did you need food banks on £40,000 a year? Trussed-up Liz informed MPs of plans for a trusted trader scheme and green and red lanes in Northern Ireland. Likely illegal, Maros Sefcovic warned the EU would respond with ‘all measures at its disposal’ if Britain acted unilaterally. They wanted negotiations based on their October 2021 proposals which Truss had rejected. Stephen Doughty alleged they either didn’t understand their own agreement, they weren’t upfront about its reality or they intended to break it all along. A court heard Trafalgar Square rallies August-December 2020 broke covid laws. ‘Holding’ not the same as ‘organising’ a gathering, would tinfoiler Piers Corbyn get off on a technicality? Ukraine declared the Mariupol mission complete, 260 steel plant fighters were evacuated to separatist-controlled territory, and 1,000 surrendered by Wednesday.
Woken by tweeting birds in the early dawn, confused by the days and unable to even stretch, I stayed abed Wednesday and watched PMQs. After an arrest for sexual offences and abuse of public office, an unnamed tory was on bail and told not to attend. Cartoon Fabricant tweeted he’d be there to prove it wasn’t him. The opposition focused on fuel. When a backbencher claimed 9,000 died last year due to cold homes, Boris prated about a £9.1 bn package and offered hollow sympathy. Keir dwelt on windfall tax, quoting company bosses in favour of it, to be given unemployment figures, claims hikes were short-term and spurious arguments on the principles of business tax. Asked when he was going to cut bills, Boris promised to look at measures to get people through to the other side and hinted at tax cuts in July; only possible as they took tough decisions during the pandemic. Keir spluttered: “He doesn’t get it!” While the PM dithered and pretended the economy was booming, gas bills went up £53 m a day, profits soared; we’d heard it all before and couldn’t afford to wait. Ian Blackford wondered how Rishi could say acting now was silly while his colleagues advised we learn to cook and get better jobs. Ed Davey said farmers could help feed us, but costs of the 3 F’s (fuel, feed, fertiliser) through the roof, they’d slashed support before embedding a new scheme. Action for Children asserted families needed help now, not warm words hinting at future action.
Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.
Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.
April Inflation hit 9% – a 40-year high. Closer to 11% for the poor whose income mostly went on food and fuel, at least they could eat spuds which dropped in price. First-time shoplifters stealing to eat, Kit Shithouse ludicrously said cops should always prosecute, even the starving. Martin Lewis retaliated with threats of ‘civil unrest’. We lived in hope! Rishi Rich told the CBI there’d be business tax cuts in autumn. Oil giant CEs labelled the ‘new oligarchs’, he was said to be ‘warming’ to a windfall tax, with the public wildly in favour. The Rwanda plot failing to put migrants off, Border Farce used ferries to rescue them from dinghies in the channel. Prof Van Dam’s knighthood ceremony was postponed as he caught covid.
Fluffy Goslings
Much better by noon Thursday, I accompanied Phil to town for a bit of shopping and flower-spotting in the sunshine. Sweet Shop Man joked about his partner aka sister-in-law. I refused to get involved in domestics but at least he wasn’t bemoaning prices for a change. Rooks squawked on the riverside. Unusual for the larger corvids to come into the centre, a glut of food including cake and pan-o-rice could explain it. We giggled at geese parading their fluffy goslings in front of paddling kids. They’d obviously learnt begging techniques from the jackdaws!
Annoyed Phil let me sort groceries alone, I lay down to rest but got tummy ache and asked him to bring washing in.
Operation Hillman concluded. 126 Partygate FPNs, Boris nor Carrie, Rishi or Simon Case, got more. Sue Gray’s report unlikely to name all those involved and cops not explaining why Boris was fined for attending the cake ambush and not any of the more ‘serious’ events, Former DPP Lord Ken MacDonald griped: “without the police providing an explanation for that it’s very difficult for us to understand why they came to the conclusions that they did…This was a major scandal at the heart of government…we remain very much in the dark about who was involved, who organised the parties, and who was responsible…that’s not good enough.” Yvette Coop added: “These were the people making the rules, the PM was in charge, he needs to take responsibility.” Bereaved families said they’d been ‘gaslit’.
The weather back to normal grey Friday, and darkly wet by evening, at least I was up and about. I expunged the worst muck from the living room and kitchen. In the co-op, it took 3 attempts for the reader to accept my card. My namesake said it didn’t like Satan’s Bank. An item seemingly missing from the freezer deal, when he arrived to help carry, Phil said he’d get it the next day. But he was later immobilised by a recurring back problem. Flareups often random, he blamed heavy bags. As he put a finger-trigger to his head, I advocated painkillers rather than suicide. He settled for wine.
Autumn covid jabs for the vulnerable and older age groups would exclude us. Rees-Moggy poo-pooed a windfall tax as ‘raiding the honeypot of business’ while Rishi and Ms. Murthy made the Sunday Times Rich List. Colchester, Doncaster, Milton Keynes, Bangor, Dunfermline, Wrexham, Douglas and Stanley were made cities for the jubilee. Blackburn, Boston, Crewe and Goole missed out. Wondering why never Blackpool, I discovered their last bid in 2011 was withdrawn as the labour mayor thought it a waste of money and brought no benefits – nobody didn’t visit because they didn’t know where it was.
Hot flushes and hunger meant no lie-in Saturday. I left Phil to a bath soak. Stressed by a cluttered kitchen, it deepened when he brought the washing down. I’d deliberately not asked him to, but he said putting socks on was harder. I replied to an e-mail from The Researcher on the guest blog and expo venues and mused over an arts festival launch. It seemed odd to be happening during the jubilee weekend, until I noted they got Platinum Funding. Not known for being royalist, townsfolk obviously changed their tune when money was offered! As Phil insisted on taking over the hoovering, manageable by sitting on the floor, I went out to potter. Failing to fix secateurs with a missing spring, he helped prune anyway. I cooked the bulk of dinner then he put rice on, went to buy baccy and left the pan to boil dry.
Early Sunday leg cramp eventually eased with shaking and rubbing. Not wishing to disturb Phil, I was about to get brekkie when he sprang to life. His back still bad, he groaned, apologised, then suggested an outing. Mishearing, I thought he said for lunch. “No, a run.” “Really? Can you even walk?” “A bit.” “Is it a good idea? I had no plans as I thought you wouldn’t be able to do actual walking and the weather’s a bit crap.” He insisted on getting out. We took a cyberman helmet to the nearby charity shop (good riddance!) and went to the park to see flora. While the ‘wildflower patch’ was mowed, we found tons of dandelion clocks and daisies, horse chestnut candles and 1 clover.
On Sunday Morning, E-on boss Michael Lewis said rising gas prices were due to the Russian pipeline – I recalled it started before then. Citing schemes to help people struggling with bills, he admitted they could do more. Higher standing charges due to ‘failures’ last year, he couldn’t lower costs but had lobbied Ofgem to do so and government to do more such as reinstating the UC uplift. Queried on the £6.6 bn profit, he said that was worldwide and equated to £20 per customer in the UK. Moonlighting from a heist movie we’d just watched, Nads Zahawi spouted the usual blather and deflection over Partygate. As nobody named in the Gray report objected before the 5.00 p.m. deadline, publication was imminent. In a thrilling end to the season at the top and bottom of the premiership, Leeds beat Brentford to stay in at Burnley’s expense.
WTF!
Haiga – Lift Off!
Waking with a heavy head Monday 23rd, Phil interrupted haiga posting telling me he’d sold a tapestry, weirdly costing the same as a standard print. I imagined his brutalist photos writ large rather than trees. In the co-op, I inquired about the missing freezer deal item. The nice cashier directed me to a colleague who indicated a solitary pack which I’d missed. By then, a queue had formed at the kiosk. I waited ages for an ancient man to pay a gas bill. On hearing a booming ‘hello’, I turned to see New Gran’s partner. Poised to ask if she’d bought the oil painting, he was off. After lugging bags and stuffing the freezer, I was knackered.
Following days of denials, No. 10 admitted Boris, anticipating the end of Operation Hillman, met Sue Gray early May to discuss ‘timings and publication process’ of her report. ITV news published pics of Boris drinking behind a booze-littered table, toasting Lee Cain at his leaving do, November 2020. Rayner railed: “This is clearly a social gathering…people will be disgusted.” No. 10 insisted The Met had access to all photos. Insiders told Panorama weekly parties, condoned by the PM, were listed in the diary as WTF – ‘Wine-Time Friday’.
Tuesday mostly a boring round of chores and writing, we discussed potential for touting my photos. He reckoned I had even more of flowers than him and thinking daisies and dandelions might make good placemats, I edited some, signed up to Society 6, but chickened out of verifying the account.
Spreading since last week to 18 countries, there were 71 monkeypox cases in the UK. The infected had to self-isolate for 21 days. Responsive to smallpox vaccine and Tecovirimat and most cases mild, the wider population was at low risk. 80 climate protestors took over Shell’s AGM and 3 arrested. Lithuania proposed a passage to get grain out of Odesa, defying the Russians to stop a fleet of ships. Allegedly raised with Trussed-Up Liz, Downing Street dismissed the idea. As idiots swarmed onto the Elizabeth Line, a fire alarm caused chaos. Cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma pleaded guilty and would do 180 hours community service. A geothermal exploration project in Ryedale inspired daft ideas about re-activating extinct volcanoes. Who wouldn’t want a boiling hot lido in the middle of Edinburgh?
Wednesday morning, Phil took up my offer of fetching brekkie “I see, you only want to do it on apple days!” A Westminster TV marathon involved PMQs, a statement from Boris and a response from Keir.
Undistracted by a skirt-clad Rayner crossing her legs, Boris boasted he was great, had driven up investment and jobs and put his arms round people (ugh!) doable by taking tough decisions. Keir said the PM had seen sense at last regarding a windfall tax, quipped hindsight was a wonderful thing and referring to delivery to No. 10 that morning, asked: “What was it about the Sue Gray report that attracted him to a U-turn this week?” Boris reacted with more bragging, bizarrely saying: “Put that in your pipe!” Accused of complacency leading to the lowest growth of all major economies except Russia and a passport backlog, Boris babbled.
Responding to the Gray reportiii, Boris said he took full responsibility but wanted to explain the context. According to him, there were 8 breaches of covid laws in over 600 days. Staff, allowed to go to the office under exemptions, worked long hours, and he sometimes went briefly when they ‘gathered’, to thank them for hard work. He was unaware that some went on longer than necessary and fell foul of the rules as Gray found, because he wasn’t there and was ‘appalled’ by some behaviour, particularly the treatment of security and cleaning staff to whom he apologised and expected those responsible to apologise. He pointed out Gray acknowledged the ‘significant changes’ already made in line with recommendations in her interim report. Keir countered the report was testament to how they’d treated the public’s sacrifices with utter contempt, believing it was ‘one rule for them, another for everyone else’. It was about trust; he was clear what leadership looked like and didn’t break any rules. Any attempt to compare drinking beer with a meal to ‘this catalogue’ was ridiculous, but he would step down if found guilty, because honesty, integrity and responsibility mattered. “The game is up. You can’t be a law-maker and a law-breaker”; it was time the PM packed his bags so government could function again. Boris retaliated that a sanctimonious ‘Sir Beer Korma’ failed to live up to the high standards he expected from him. A privileges committee investigation into contempt by the PM would drag on.
A siesta hampered by external noise and coldness, I donned leggings under my jeans – in late May FFS!
Working on my novel for the first time in months Thursday, I got distracted researching conjuring tricks. Fed up stuck in the house again on a showery day, a decent Friday forecast again raised hopes of something fun. I forbade Phil help with the co-op shop. Amidst the usual random foray, several items had noticeably gone up in price but with an effort hunting out basic ranges and 2 for 1 offers, I stayed in budget. I agreed with Jack Munroe who told the BBC shopping on £20 a week was ‘exhausting’ as she supported Superdrug’s pledge on basic toiletries. Late evening, a sunny spell tempted me outside. Clambering on the bench moving pots around, my knee got wet and I went back in after 5 minutes. Phil emerged from a rest groaning, saying it was just a twinge – likely story!
Rishi Rich announced a £400 discount per household regardless of wealth and including second homes, instead of the £200 loan, with top-ups for low income households on benefits, disability benefit recipients and pensioners. There’d also be another £500 m for councils to allocate. £10 bn more borrowing and a 25% ‘energy levy’ (NOT windfall tax!) raising £5 bn from oil and gas companies, would pay for it. Unlevied electricity generators were under review. The NEF reckoned a 91% tax relief on investment would cost more at £5.7 bn, and the true cost was £21 bn. Rachel Reeves said Rishi was dragged kicking and screaming into a U-turn: “the chancellor has finally realised the problems the country are facing (sic).” Suspiciously soon after Gray’s report, Ed Davey griped it only replaced what was taken away in taxes and called it a ‘Rishi Scam’. He could have said party trick! The SNP agreed it wasn’t enough as the increased price cap would still exist next year. The IFS warned it might lead to more inflation and staunch tories termed it ‘throwing red meat to socialists’. Rishi insisted it was pragmatic. Paul Hebbletwit gave a sham apology to sacked P&O workers, saying there was no other way to deal with the situation. The shitshow subsequently lost a contract with Border Farce to provide contingency travel services at juxtaposed ports, whatever that meant! M&S finally pulled out of Russia, warning it’d cost £31m. RMT members at Euston and Green Park cancelled a tube strike during jubilee weekend but there’d be a much bigger one Monday 6th June. Meanwhile, Mick Lynch said there could be a deal to avert a national rail strike if bosses talked.
Interminable faffing meant it was gone by the time we went walking Friday. The bright afternoon looked inviting but a biting wind made us shiver. We walked on the sunny towpath, detouring to explore a desire path and speak to an elderly man about his funny old souped-up car. Phil conjured images of a geriatric F&F, with OAPs racing in the deserted early morning streets. We returned via the park where the woman who lived next door was meeting a friend. Not seeing each other for weeks, we chatted briefly. According to her sister, Poland also had unseasonal wind – was it the same one? (for more details, see Cool Placesi)
I left Phil at the co-op to find an ambulance backing up our street. Concerned for The Widower, I was relieved to see him pass – it was probably a regular call for End Neighbour. Too late for a siesta, I got coffee then realised Phil wasn’t back and must’ve gone to town. I rang to ask him to buy pickles but he was almost home.
Nasty Patel’s PPS Paul Holmes quit due to the ‘toxic culture’. Daniel Briceno Garcia was found guilty of stabbing his landlords in a bloodbath while paranoid about covid in lockdown #1. After EasyJet cancelled 200 flights due to a glitch, the Port of Dover told people heading to the continent to pack food and water in anticipation of delays and the RAC predicted 17.9 million leisure trips over the weekend.
Gardening on a mostly cloudy Saturday, I overheated during a blast of sun, stripped off a layer and gulped water. I caught the woman next door racing from car to door, and talked to Decorating Neighbour who suffered from chronic fatigue, possibly post-viral. I shared my wisdom, experiences of life on a reduced income and unreadiness for foreign travel. He concurred but planned to visit his daughter in Australia later in the year. Phil came out in a shirt. Was he off somewhere? No; just too hot. Despite Friday’s walk affecting his back, he tidied up a rosebush and made chapatis to go with curry. I’d forgot how much smoke they produced, which all rose to the bedroom. “Do it outside in future; on a bin lid!” I coughed.
Screeching geese and leg cramp, for the second Sunday running, ate into shuteye. Rising woozily, I opened the curtains to see grey to the east and blue to the west, which soon went. I hurried to the Sunday market for fresh supplies, getting spat on in the cool air. The crammed square a slalom, I found the knobbly veg stall already packing up, grabbed a few items and went to the convenience store. Back home, the woman next door was getting in her car. It tickled us that we’d now seen each other 3 times in as many days. Mentioning the veg trip, she told me she was fasting because she lacked energy – go figure! I spent the rest of the day on an Ocado order, writing and avoiding toadying, now in full swing in the build-up to the jubilee.
The Bumbler changed the ministerial code so they no longer had to resign if they broke it. Met with derision and claims it was to save the PM’s own skin, 4 more tories publicised letters to the 1922 committee. Swiss Toni insisted Boris would survive a confidence vote and Sue Gray wasn’t pressured to amend her report. Raging over its contents, Boris shouted ‘put the dog down!’; referring to a barking Dilyn. Apparently not the first time, it wasn’t as bad as yelling: ‘I am the effing Fuhrer’ despot-style as The Scumbag attested. An aide wrote Simon Case that Carrie held another flat party after the cake ambush which wasn’t investigated. Rayner demanded the PM came clean. Johnny Depp unbelievably turned up as a special guest at Jeff Beck’s gig in Sheffield. It later transpired he’d won his case against Amber Herd. Meanwhile in Paris, The Mona Lisa was ambushed by cake by a man disguised as a granny in a climate change protest and the champions league final turned into a debacle. The French blamed Liverpool fans with fake tickets. Russia advancing in the east, Vlod visited frontline troops in Donetsk. After Finland and Sweden held talks with Turkey over their NATO bid, Recep still objected, saying they protected the PKK.
Haiga – Lace Work
With numb limbs, I rose late Monday, posted a haiga, sent photos to The Researcher for the takeover blog and worked on the journal. Adding chick peas to leftover curry sauce for lunch, I observed it came to under 30p a portion, then realised with bread, it didn’t! Metro’s Liz Burcher did it for a week, ate less than 900 calories a day and lost half a stone. A trip to the co-op quiet during half-term, I substituted extortionate pitta for tortillas. Was there a yeast shortage? Was it from Ukraine?
Senior tory Jeremy Wright issued a no confidence statement, bringing the known total to 28. ONS tracked 30 food basics bought by low income households since April 2021, showing pasta up 50%. Bread, mince, rice, juice, cereal, chicken, veg oil, baked beans, onions, toms, tea, coffee, bananas and mixed frozen veg, amongst other things, went up. Besides spuds, chips, sausages, pizza, apples and cheese went down. Milk stayed the same. The algorithm excluded Aldi and Lidl as they didn’t allow online ordering, and obviously co-op freezer deals. A vindicated Jack Munroe said people were priced out of their own dinners. On the covid front, face-mask were no longer required in Wales, Shanghai lifted a 2-month lockdown but citizens had to wear masks and avoid gatherings, and 3 gorillas tested positive at Cabarceno Nature Park, Spain.
Waking lots in the early hours, getting up was even harder on Tuesday. By the time I’d bathed, lateness reached weekend levels. As I cleaned the inside of the living room windows, Phil quipped it was in case the queen came round. “I think she’s busy this weekend, but you can put your bunting up, ha, ha!” A chugger knocked on the door as I brought step ladders down. I said it was a bad time. “I’ll come back later.” ‘Don’t bother!’ I muttered.
Andrea Leadskull told constituents that as Gray exposed unacceptable leadership failures, tories must decide individually on the right course of action. Will Haig reckoned MPs went back to their constituents in half-term and had a think, Boris was in ‘real trouble’ and a confidence vote imminent. Boris desperately rang round colleagues to garner support. He also wrote to civil servants, thanking them in one sentence and telling them there jobs were at risk in the next, according to Mark Serwotka. Meanwhile, Durham police sent Keir and Rayner Beergate questionnaires. Teaching unions asked Rishi and heist movie actor Nads Zahawi for free school meals for all kids of families on Universal Credit. Euro-zone inflation hit 8.1%, due to the usual suspects of fuel, covid and the war but not Brexit! As Russia blamed sanctions for the food crisis, Vlod accused them of lying and stealing 500,000 tons of grain. The EU would embargo 90% of Russian oil imports by the end of 2022, exempting the Druzhba (‘friendship’) pipeline to appease Viktor Orban.
* National Institute of Economic and Social Research
“(They) broke the law and took us all for mugs. If they had any decency they would be gone by tonight” (Lobby Akinnola)
April Fools
Haiga – Threshold
The world ran by a bunch of fools, we didn’t mark the 1st of the month with April Fools jokes. The grocery bill was mercifully not too hefty but the bags were. I cursed not asking for Phil’s help lugging them home. Motivated by persons unknown sweeping the steps at the side of the house, I cleared the gutter Saturday, failing to unblock the end. Cloudy all weekend, at least it didn’t rain during the free Crossings walk and workshop Sunday. In the art shed carpark, The Leader made introductions and dished out notebooks. We set off on familiar paths, noting a profusion of daffodils absent from the riverside 2 weeks ago, along with wood anemones. Returning on the lesser-travelled Crows path, a walker’s action volunteer related its rescue from developers by residents 12 years ago. Back at base, we got free tea and cake. Amazed such project funding still existed, Phil ate 3 pieces. The workshop proved inspiring although I remained sceptical about the over-use of descriptions. Featuring heavily in creative writing these days, I suspected it featured in university courses. Later, I selected photos for the project showcase including a haiga.i
The covid rate at 1:13, Prof Naismith said we were all likely to have BA.2 by summer. Easter hols starting for some, chaos ensued at ferry terminals and airports. Officially blamed on absence and covid checks, the shortages were also due to furloughed staff leaving. Security checks on 220 new recruits awaited, passengers missed flights at Manchester airport and boss Karen Not-So-Smart resigned. 45 buses and 2 Red Cross trucks headed to besieged Mariupol. Evacuation underway at last, a photo-journalist got shot. The Pope criticised ‘dictatorial leaders’ and said the world couldn’t ignore the migrant crisis. As the Oscars academy continued with disciplinary procedures, Will Smith resigned.
Barely able to move Monday morning, after 10 minutes stretching, I got back in bed. Phil looked offended when I didn’t laugh at his larks but I felt too awful. I made a big effort to fetch coffee and the laptop. Going up and downstairs exhausting, pains shot through my head and I became tearful. Covid infections still rising, the list of symptoms now included fatigue, exhaustion, aching, headaches, sore throats, shortness of breath, blocked or runny nose, loss of appetite, diarrhoea and nausea. So all of them! Wondering if I had it, Phil reckoned they were symptoms of living in England. In fact, additions were to stop people going to work with flu. Feeling overwhelmed by a ‘to do’ list, I posted the haiga, dispatched photos for the showcase, and worked on blogs. Except mealtimes, I stayed abed for 3 dull days.
5-11 year olds were offered low dose jabs. Oil terminal blockades by Just Stop Oil and XR into a third day, 100 protestors were arrested in Kingsbury. Lucy Powell called the privatisation of Channel 4 ‘cultural vandalism’. Tracy Brabin feared for Leeds jobs and ‘We Own It’ told Dreadful Doris to keep her hands off.
Less head pain and a bit cheerier Tuesday, I posted an entry on Cool Placesii , stopping writing when head fug set in. Phil went to the co-op. Another power cut meant no fresh milk or veg.
The covid Situation in Shanghai ‘extremely grim’, citizens suffered lockdowns and online food shortages. After visiting Bucha, Vlod addressed the UN security council, saying the worst war crimes since WW2 merited Nuremberg-style trials. Russian rep Vasily Nebenzya dismissed footage as fake and pro-Putin broadcaster Vlad Solovyov said they chose the name because it sounded like butcher. Red paint was poured in the propagandist’s Italian villa pools. Back after a glitch, Jeremy Vine appeared with hand-written signs. As Cuadrilla were given another year to explore fracking in Lancashire, Mike Gammon claimed reports of tremors were Russian propaganda. Err, no, it’s you believing in conspiracy nonsense!
Eking the last of the fresh milk, Phil made porridge on Wednesday and went to the other shop. Working on ‘Home from Home’ (see Cool Places 2iii) took most of my day. After ineffectual quiet time, I went to the kitchen and panicked when I saw no milk, then spotted it in a bag. Prepping dinner together a bit fraught, I left him to it and dossed on the sofa. As he sent off photos for the showcase, he asked me to check details but I said it was far too late to think and went back to bed.
While Boris defended the National Insurance rise to fund the NHS and Goblin Saj pressed patients to return, 6 Yorkshire hospitals warned them to stay away from A&E, unless dying. In the latest sanctions, the UK added 8 Russian oligarchs to the list, froze Sberbank and Credit Bank of Moscow’s assets, banned outward investment and iron and steel imports, and vowed to stop coal imports by the end of the year. Sanctioning Russian PM Mikhail Mishustin and Putin’s 2 daughters Maryia Putina and Katerina Tikhonova, the US also cut off links with Sberbank as well as Alfa Bank.
Better but lacking energy Thursday, we were sat on the sofa when Phil noticed a reply from the Crossings workshop leader, even though he’d only sent his photos the night before. I was incensed until I saw she’d e-mailed me too. Supplies low, I headed to the market in the nithering wind. What a load of rubbish! No loo roll or fish, I got a few veg and went in the convenience store to find reduced chicken and bacon, so not a completely wasted trip.
The energy strategy mainly featured hydrogen, offshore wind and nuclear power. Great British Nuclear had a target to fulfil 25% of demand by 2060, building a power station a year. There was a £30m competition to make heat pumps, and a new round of licensing for north sea oil and gas from autumn, despite UN calls for rapid cuts in fossil fuel use. Onshore wind unpopular, it was encouraged with discounts for affected communities. Keir called it too little too late and: “a cobbled together list of things that should have been done over the last 10 to 12 years…(and) doesn’t even tackle important things like insulating homes…” Kwarteng had already ordered a report into the science and impact of fracking, but said the pause in extraction would stay unless new evidence showed it was ‘safe, sustainable and of minimal disturbance…’ A 23-mile lorry queue at Dover caused chaos on roads surrounding the M20. Suspended P&O crossings were blamed – nowt to do with Brexit! UNHRC threw Russia out. Ukrainian Foreign minister Dmytro Kuleba begged for weapons to save lives and prevent the war spilling over into other territories. Beloved Mr Ben creator David McKee died. My tiny kid-fish brain never clocked there were only 13 episodes!
No Joke
Haiga – The Artist
Friday, I worked on the journal and waited impatiently in the co-op for a man dithering and a cashier fiddling with buttons. Coming to help, Phil had a cheeky search for long-gone chocolate slabs on the easter display. Finding none, he said he’d have to go elsewhere but with 3 bars at home, I told him not to bother. Rising from a siesta, a marked drop in temperature presaged a loud crack of thunder followed by large balls of ice – thunder hail! It soon turned to rain. Enjoyment of dinner was marred by Phil telling me Rishi Rich was technically a US resident until recently, thus not paying UK tax. The scum held a Green Card until October 2021! He demanded an enquiry into the source of the leak. The opposition demanded ministers declared their residency status. Meanwhile, Ms. Murthy said she “understood the British sense of fairness”, coughed up UK tax on her income but remained a non-dom.
Covid rates still high across the UK, they rose in the Yorkshire region to 1:12, but fell slightly in Scotland. Thousands in hospital but not on ventilators, ONS said it was too soon to say infections were levelling off. A Russian missile hit a train station in Kramatorsk, killing 50 trying to evacuate before a full-scale offensive.
Phil answered a door knock early Saturday to be handed an easter ‘goody bag’ from the local carers’ group. Containing a fleece blanket, thermometer, first aid kit, jelly sweets, greetings card, fluffy chick and chocolate bar (making 4 in total), it resembled an elderly care package. Phil joked about sticking the thermometer up his bum. I cleaned the living room and he overhauled the kitchen lights, then rested in a bid to ease tummy ache. His discomfort persisted into Sunday. That didn’t stop him coming foraging in nearby woods. At the wild garlic patch, two women approached from below. Fearing competition, I pretended to take aim but they didn’t stop. Celandine nestled among the extended crop, creating a salad of yellow and green. After filling a bag, I picked up a couple of excellent twisty red branches, perfect for hanging decorative easter eggs. Keeping to the lower meandering path, we magically saw a couple of deer chasing each other. The Victorian stairways carpeted with crunchy leaves inspired the week’s haiga (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).
P&O said there’d be no Dover ferries until at least Friday. Stuck in queues and losing thousands a day, meat exporters called for the prioritisation of fresh produce. Boris went to walk the streets with Vlod and wave – why was he so popular in Kyiv? As he travelled by car, helicopter, military plane and train, a convoy of Russian tanks headed for Donbas. The Oscars harshly banned Will Smith for 10 years.
After posting the haiga Monday, Phil helped evict a mini zoo of larvae and spiders from the bathroom. Having not fixed the mini mixer, he made wild garlic pesto in the pestle and mortar.
High infection rates having a ‘major impact’, The NHS Confederation felt abandoned and urged government to rethink the ‘living with covid’ plan, reintroduce mitigation, and reinvigorate the public info campaign with renewed focus on mask-wearing and gathering outdoors. A Number 10 spokesperson said no; thanks to vaccinations, treatments and better understanding, it could be managed similarly to other viruses.
The Tuesday top-up shop was astronomical again. Was it due to small seasonal additions or rampant inflation? The Widower looked bemused by easter eggs. I advised on vegan options for his granddaughter. The weighty bags made my shoulder ache but it eased off after an unusual 5 minutes afternoon kip.
Smart Energy GB found rising costs led to habit changes and a UCL survey found us more worried by money (38%) than covid (33%). Anxiety and depression levels the highest for 11 months, 51% didn’t feel in control of their mental health. Unemployment fell to 3.8%, but with 76,000 economically inactive, there weren’t more jobs. The Met issued 30 more Partygate FPNs – Boris, Rishi and Carrie Antoinette were included for The Bumbler’s birthday bash. Apologising, he said he only went for 10 minutes and didn’t know it was a party. “He should contest the fine then,” advised Phil, “that would be hilarious in court!” The first sitting PM ever to be exposed breaking the law, the most Covid fines issued in a single street or workplace and more to come, it confirmed Downing Street was full of crooks. Keir said they’d broken the law, repeatedly lied to the British public, were totally unfit to govern and should resign. Lobby Akinnola of Bereaved Families agreed they had no authority, took us all for mugs and would be gone by nightfall if they had any decency. Approval ratings plummeting, Boris reportedly begged Rishi to stay to save Big Dog. Operation Red Meat looked more like mincemeat! Evil kids cartoon villain Michael Fabricant subsequently compared it to nurses having a cheeky post-shift drink, justice minister Lord Wolfson resigned and our MP Craigy Babe said they must go. They didn’t.
Wednesday, I baked an easter cake and wrote. Not seeming long since the last submission, a message from Valley Life had taken me by surprise. I considered the feature almost finished but sifting e-mails later in the week, noticed a word limit increase. How had I missed that for a whole year? I checked with The Owner who also passed on lovely feedback from ‘a neighbour’. Probing revealed it to be The Widower. As earlier rain cleared, I’d have loved an evening walk if I wasn’t dead tired. Instead, we watched a programme on BBC4 about Stonehenge’s removal from Wales – not stolen as the Welsh claimed, but taken by migrants.
Inflation rose to 7%. With pre-tax profits of £2.03 billion, Tesco gave staff 1.5% ‘thank you’ bonuses for coping with pandemic, supply chain and inflation challenges. Pay rises would come in July. Uncle Joe accused Putin of genocide and the presidents of Poland, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia visited Vlod.
Waking with a scratchy throat for the third morning running Thursday, Echinacea banished it. Opening the bedroom window, I heard then saw 2 typhoon jets zig-zagging over the next hill. The laptop misbehaving even after a restart, I persevered with writing but got head fug and hung washing on the line. Decorating Neighbour was sweeping the street. I asked if he’d done the steps. “I don’t go that far.” The co-op bustling, I forgot essential items. Counsellor Friend was stocking up before joining the great easter getaway. With no P&O ferries, railway engineering and airport queues, I wished her luck! Having a nightmare with veg falling on the floor and a cluttered sink, Phil eventually helped. Knackered, I bemoaned an almost-gone afternoon. An item in metro on easter laughter disappointingly contained no actual jokes.
UK covid infections fell except Wales, for the first time in 6 weeks, suggesting the surge of BA.2 had passed the peak. Bonnie Prince Charlie gave out Maundy Money on behalf of the queen. The latest madcap scheme to deal with dinghy crossings involved putting the navy in charge of the channel and sending migrants to Rwanda. Copied off Denmark, there were only 100 places under the ‘migration and economic development partnership’ aka offshoring single black men. Boris said the plan was possible because of Brexit freedoms but conceded it could be legally challenged. Keir called it unworkable, extortionate and an attempt to distract from Partygate. Phil mused it might not put people off: “After all, we’re always being told to ‘Visit Rwanda’ on the footie!” However, interviewees in a Dunkirk camp maintained the crossing was risky but they’d risked much already and pointed out accepting Ukrainians into our homes was double-standards – touché! The First of stricter UK reception centres at RAF Linton-on-Ouse slated to ‘open soon’, bewildered villagers were up in arms at no consultation. More sanctions were announced by the UK and EU, against Russian oligarchs who propped up the so-called Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republic. Imports of iron and steel and exports of quantum tech were banned.
Bridge of Sighs
Haiga – Inner Voice
After I was asked if the photos I sent for the Crossings expo were mine even with my name on, Good Friday, Phil was asked which object he’d written about. “Can that writing woman not read?” I sighed. He went shopping for the items I’d forgotten and flowers. As he tried to put them in a vase, I took over while he toasted hot cross buns for a hasty lunch. The beautiful roses stayed fresh-looking for over 2 weeks. Wending up to the upland village, we stopped in the playing fields where Phil allowed a rare snap, later garnering several ‘likes’ on FB. In time for a mid-afternoon performance, It was lovely to see the Pace Egg play after a 2-year absence, and also the kids and grandkids of Deceased Friend, for their traditional family get-together. Viewing obstructed, hearing became impossible during the final act because of the chattering classes. What was the point of going if they were more interested in bragging about themselves than listening? We made a hasty getaway and were heading downhill when Phil decided he needed a snack from the burger stall outside the pub. Hearing music, we wandered into the beer garden. Phil commandeered the one free table while I got the second pints of the day. As the novelty act doing bad cover versions wore thin, we retreated to the penfold. A man with 2 dogs hovered at the entrance before letting one loose to run round in an ellipse. He denied that explained rutted soil beneath a picnic bench. Methinks he lied! Despite extreme tiredness, night-time sleep was mediocre.
The next day, the Crossings expo preview invite landed in my in-box but not Phil’s. Narked at doing ‘work’ at the weekend, Phil said it wasn’t work. “It is for them, and on Easter Saturday to boot!” Still tired, I stayed home, hung sheets on the line and cleaned. Meaning to garden in the nice weather, I seemed to run out of time and mislaid flower seed packets. Phil popped to the shops. Town rammed with drinkers but no more than expected, we didn’t understand why this weekend was picked to hold a hipster beer festival. While he was out, I hastily made him a card featuring early spring blooms.
Spring Blooms Card
Birds tweeted in grey pre-dawn light Sunday. I sighed grumpily, wondering what they had to be so cheerful about and turned over until hazy sunlight made sleeping impossible. Dull-headed, I forgot it was easter, then remembered to print the card and give it to Phil with a pack of Haribo’s. He felt bad getting me no confectionary until I reminded him we had stacks of chocolate and he got me flowers.
To refresh fuddled brains, we took a leisurely stroll west on the canal, avoiding squawking geese protecting their nests, admiring showy tulips and chatting to The Biker outside his houseboat. Complementing the restoration of his granddad’s plane, we agreed they didn’t make tools like that anymore. A sign on the chicken farm honesty box helpfully informed us turkey eggs were like hens eggs but bigger! Tempted by a promise of refreshments in the pavilion, we stepped onto the diminutive stone bridge to the cricket club. No match on, it was closed. We rested on an equally picturesque bridge near the lock. Serving also as a crossing point, an arrow indicating Warland, prompted Phil to invent a film plot wherein puritan villagers refused to accept the civil war was over.
Archbishop Welby called the Rwanda ploy ‘ungodly’. Responding in The Times, Nasty Patel said it was ‘bold and innovative’ and challenged anyone to come up with a better idea. How about opening safe, legal routes for migrants? Charities lambasted the Nationality and Borders Bill for not preventing child trafficking. Theresa May later added she couldn’t support the policy on the grounds of ‘legality, practicality and efficacy’ as it split families and encouraged trafficking of women and children. Patel refused to reveal eligibility criteria. Gammons were incensed at small print allowing Rwandans to come to the UK in exchange.
The laptop very noisy Monday, Phil stopped the daft MS newsfeed. Accompanied by music, I started spring cleaning the study, finding the mislaid wildflower seeds behind the desk. Outside planting one in a pot, a neighbour from across the way asked if I knew which cat visited her garden. “They all look the same to me!” Unbelievably, The Great Escape was the best bank holiday film on telly all weekend, apart from Barabbas.
Face-masks no longer mandatory but ‘strongly advised’ in Scotland, spotted without one at a barbers, Sturgeon was again called a hypocrite. Police had words. In their latest covid wave, Shanghai reported 3 deaths bringing the overall total to 4,641 – still lots less than the UK. Shats launched the gimmicky half-price rail tickets wheeze with a cheesy YouTube videoiv.
Tuesday a boring round of chores, writing and shopping, in the evening, I returned a missed call from Aunty. She liked the old postcards of her locality I’d sent her with easter greetings. Found in a charity shop, I promised to send more if they turned up. Using the last of the bargain chicken to make soup, we’d got 4 dinners for £2.50 (and a lunch). The affordable alternative to veganism!
Swiss Toni said Boris’ FPN was like getting a speeding ticket. Ed Davey spluttered that was ‘an insult to bereaved families’. Alastair Campbell contested the claim Blair got a speeding fine while in office, pointing out security disallowed driving. It later emerged The Bumbler racked up £4,000 in speeding tickets while at GQ magazine. In the commons, he repeatedly apologised to MPs, acknowledged the ‘hurt and anger caused’, but insisted it didn’t occur to him it breached rules. Keir said he dragged everyone down to his level. Saying he wasn’t worthy of holding office, Mark Harper publicised a letter to the 1922 committee. Referral to the Privileges Committee and more fines imminent, ministers repeated pleas to await the full Sue Gray report. The economic forecast bleak with the war and covid, the IMF judged the impact on the UK particularly severe with growth down to 1.2% in 2023 because of the ‘triple whammy’ of fuel, food and tax rises. ¾ of civil servants still working from home, Rees Moggy told them to go back to the office. The missive including tables of who was working where, FDA union’s Dave Penman said ministers were ‘vindictive’ and behaving like luddites’, when the private sector embraced flexible working.
On PMQs Wednesday, Boris conveyed 96th birthday greetings to the queen and informed us he was going to India. Keir said once the cameras were off for the public apology, Boris went to his backbenchers to privately blame everyone else and say Welby wasn’t critical enough of Putin, when actually the archbishop said the Ukraine invasion was ‘an act of great evil’. He invited the PM to apologise for slander, getting a flat ‘no’ in response. Ian Blackford claimed 82% of Scots thought Boris lied. While the commons debated the Buildings Safety Bill, protestors complained it didn’t help everyone affected by the cladding scandal.
The NOA found government departments uncoordinated on foreign travel rules with no assessment of the impact on the industry. 1:9 workers in insecure jobs, Frances O’Grady joined Zero Hours Justice’s Julian Richer and Living Wage Foundation’s Katharine Chapman to criticise delaying the Employment Bill announced in 2019: “Boris Johnson has done nothing to show he is serious about upgrading workers’ rights,” she said. 1.5 million cancelled streaming subs. Prime and Netflix the last to go, did it explain splitting the current season of popular Ozark? Just Eat and gambling firm 888 also haemorrhaged customers. A longitudinal study confirmed what I already knew – anti-depressants didn’t improve long-term quality of life.
Holed up in the Azovstal Steel works, Mariupol die-hards worried they were in their final hours and Vlod offered to exchange them for captured Russian soldiers. The next day, Putin claimed victory in the city and ordered a ring around the steel plant. Moscow tested a new ICBM to make anyone threatening them ‘think twice’. Satan 2 wasn’t yet ready for deployment. The Inflow of oil and gas profits bolstering the Rouble, Germany planned to stop using Russian energy products by the end of the year. Wimbledon banned Russian and Belarussian tennis players.
Thursday, I tweaked the Valley Life article, cleaned the bedroom and hung sheets on the line. Bright and breezy, they twisted up but dried quick. Phil went to Leeds just after I went to town for a whizz round shops. Picking up bin-end wine and a ½-price easter egg, I waited in the convenience store for a man chucking stuff in a sack. What looked like a big shop, was actually parcels for delivery. Wanting to linger in sun, pedestrian areas were fully occupied thanks to school hols. A dumb couple stood on the bridge, commenting on the number of bridges. ‘Err, there are rivers, you morons!’ I muttered. I went home to weed the garden. The Widower walked his dog past. Enquiring how he was coping, he replied ‘okay’. The underlying sigh belied his brave face. Thanking him for his nice words to Valley Life, he said they weren’t ‘nice’, but true. How lovely! Out of breath and fatigued, I went to lie down and retired early for a bath that night. Suffering insomnia, the meditation tape eventually sent me into unrefreshing sleep.
The Valneva vaccine was approved for UK use, making 6 in total. A man tested covid-positive on 505 consecutive days before dying, suggesting variants could evolve in persistent cases. Medics wanted better treatments for the vulnerable. While Boris posed in a turban, William Wragg echoed other back-benchers sick of defending the indefensible. A motion to refer Boris to the Privileges Committee carried without a vote. Designs to put the investigation on hold until police inquires concluded, were scrapped. The Met said no fines would be issued before elections 5th May because of ‘restrictions around communicating’. Local candidates included Freedom Alliance – Stop the Great Reset. Their concerns of a global public-private partnership had some validity but not the conspiracy view that covid was a mechanism to control us all!
Sinking Ships
Crossings Exhibit – Installation
Phil had even less shuteye so we both felt unrest Friday. Rushing out, we barely paused to greet new people on the street or admire profusive spring flowers. At the Crossings show preview, project workers and the workshop leader directed us to our group’s work on the outer walls of small sheds. We acknowledged fellow participants and extricated ourselves from an over-friendly acquaintance. Of other exhibits, children’s print work stood out. One kid made a print of Blackpool, cos nothing says nature like Blackpool!
Crossings Exhibit – Blackpool Print
We congratulated the friendly printer responsible on training the next generation. Outdoor displays featuring wood, natural paint and ceramics, were much easier to photograph than indoors where pictures were defaced by reflections.
Art appreciation over, we followed a sign to ‘The Crags’. Previously unexplored, we climbed the curated curious before a protracted return route. A flagging Phil griped of miles to go so we switched to an upper path. I went home to unshod hot, tired feet. He went to the shop, ran into the over-friendly acquaintance again and got yet more ½-price easter eggs (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).
Wanting a trade deal by Diwali, Boris hinted at more immigration from India into high skilled jobs in return for reduced tariffs on British machinery. He also pledged to help them build fighter jets to lessen reliance on Russia but didn’t push Nodi on neutrality. At the JCB plant in Gujarat, owned by tory donor Lord Bamford, he didn’t mention the destruction of Muslim’s homes by their bulldozers.
Drained after a long afternoon out, I stayed home Saturday apart from a trip to the co-op. Very quiet for a weekend, there was hardly any veg but plenty of oil, despite reports of rationing. Along with potatoes, cereal and chicken feed, it apparently all came from Ukraine. Nowt to do with Brexit or P&O ferries! Was the war also responsible for HRT shortages? At the kiosk, my mate’s eyebrows shot up as a colleague told him his pregnant partner wanted a gender reveal party. I observed: “but what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ It would say.” An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore!”(see Tales from the Co-opv).
On Sunday Morning, the hideous Piers Morgan said firms had a dilemma balancing staff being in offices and at home. Oliver Dowdy maintained Boris gave a ‘clear explanation’ of events leading to fines and we should balance that with other matters. In an unfortunate analogy, he said the PM still had ‘fuel in the tank to deliver for this country’. Asked how much more of the ‘drip, drip’ they could withstand, he blathered about focusing on the national security crisis. What was he on about? The war was in Ukraine not the UK!
We went in search of blossom in the park. At various stages of growth, some had already blown off and dandelions outnumbered the cherry. Having noted the music café was rebranded ‘Charlie’s – not attracting the young hip crowd, but OAPs supping a nice cup of tea – we investigated other changes in town. With a closed bank now a daft pub, several ice cream sellers and a pointless melts outlet, Phil remarked: “It’s full of people from out of town selling crap to people from out of town – like a northern Cotswolds!” However, we got more bin-end wine and bargain easter eggs (the most I’d ever had, even in childhood). Coming back, we came across German Friend and empathised on the struggles of processing the passing of friends.
Some tories told MOS that Rayner, lacking Boris’ Etonian debating skills, distracted him by crossing and uncrossing her legs at PMQs. What tripe! She could make mincemeat of him! She tweeted: ‘Women in politics face sexism and misogyny every day…This is the latest dose of gutter journalism..” She later added it was classist too. A colleague said: “Just when you think the Conservative party can’t get any lower they outdo themselves. (They) clearly have a problem with women in public life.” Even Boris decried the piece. Meanwhile, 56 sex misconduct allegations included 3 cabinet ministers and 2 shadows. As ship Albatroz sunk, 47 barrels of diesel created a slick, threatening The Galapagos’ giant turtles.
Haiga – Impressions
Wobbly and heavy headed, I started to exercise Monday morning, when a throat niggle progressed to my ear and nose. Annoyed at a second bout of illness that month, Phil reckoned I’d caught covid at the art show. Feasible, seeing as the last one immediately followed the workshop, but vile phlegm implied the usual sinus lark.
Either way, it rendered me bed-ridden for much of the week, apart from essential chores and spells on the sofa.
After posting a haiga and Cool Places updates, I got head fug and settled down with a book when Phil noisily announced he was going for a rest. I ask you! I slept for 1 minute.
Idiot Epstein informed Jeremy Vine that Rishi was rich because he was good with money. Hmm – It’s easy to be good with money when you have piles to start with! Rees-Moggy put memos on empty Whitehall desks saying ‘I look forward to seeing you in the office soon’. In a rare moment of not talking claptrap, Dreadful Doris called the passive-aggressive bullying ‘Dickensian’. Life expectancy down in deprived areas over the last 3 years, covid was partly blamed. In Kyiv, Lloyd Austin and Anthony Blinken said ‘Ukraine is succeeding’ and promised more munitions. Following weekend attacks on the Azovstal steel plant, Russian strikes targeted fuel and rail facilities. After Micron was re-elected president of France, cops killed 3 protestors.
Tuesday, I okayed the Valley Life proof and worked on blogs. Suffering brain fog, I stopped writing and submitted photos to the larger arts festival exhibition. Phil went to the co-op. Disturbed by the door slamming on his return and loud talking on the street below, so-called ‘quiet time’ was a write-off. As he’d bought 3 kinds of spuds, I cooked loads for dinner, getting backache and narky.
The Bumbler convened Cabinet to invent ideas to address the cost of living crisis without spending extra money. They came up with encouraging more uptake of child and pension credits, cutting import tariffs and childcare ratios and extending MOT’s to 2 years. The Guardian accused them of trashing health and safety. Boris threatened to privatise DVLA and the passport office. Delightfully-named Ian Snowball, landlord of the Showtime bar, Huddersfield, faced a £6,000 fine for allowing a punter to sip ale while standing to play beer pong during restrictions. Talk about disproportionality! IPPR reported 400,000 quitting work due to ill health, leading to ‘terminally low productivity’. Elon Musk bought twitter for $44 bn. Right-wingers thrilled by the promise of less moderation, others feared more fake news, bigotry and conspiracy drivel. After The Insolvency Service began criminal and civil proceedings over redundancies, shit-show P&O failed to further reduce wages. Intending to restart the Dover-Calais ferry Spirit of Britain for freight from Wednesday, The European Causeway lost power half an hour from Larne and limped back. As more weapons were sent to Ukraine, Serge warned of ‘world war by proxy’ and again raised the prospect of nuclear attacks. Antonio Guterres went to Moscow, incensing Vlod by not visiting Kyiv first.
Barrels of Fun
Unappreciated Dandelions
Wednesday, I fetched the coffee, for which Phil tossed me 10p. It disappeared like a crap magic trick. At PMQs, Keir attacked the government’s approach to the cost of living crisis. Boris threw out figures and metaphors. Keir quipped that was his fab debating skills we’d heard about! He then asked ironically if being the only country to raise taxes had made things better or worse? Ian Blackford cited Trussell Trust research that 830,000 children depended on food parcels and urged him to look for ideas beyond the cabinet, such as raising child payments like in Scotland. He could also have cited food parcel demand (up 44% in Yorkshire), 59% of the population making lifestyle changes to cut spending and 18% having no disposable income. Cathy Gardner and Fay Harris won a high court case against PHE and The Cock for discharging untested patients to care homes where their dads’ died of covid. Invited by Daisy Cooper to apologise, Boris insisted they didn’t know the virus was transmitted asymptomatically. Court evidence proved otherwise. A PHE paper passed to Sage early 2020 concluded ‘asymptomatic transmission cannot be ruled out’, another warned ‘pre-symptomatic transmission…constituted a very substantial proportion of all transmission,’ and top medic Pat Vallance said likewise on the Today Programme, 13th March.
Fatigued by the antics, I rested. At least external noise was more ambient this time. At coffee time, Phil cadged from my depleting filter supplies, saying he’d buy me more if I gave him 50p. A bargain, I said he could have the 10p back, which had turned up among the sheets.
Rayner called Lord Geidt clearing Rishi of any wrongdoing an ‘utter whitewash’. Editor David Dillon refused to meet Lindsay Hoyle. Carol Brexit informed Jeremy Vine that 4 tories heard the Ashton MP jest about using her legs to distract Boris. The Chief Whip promised action against a tory caught watching porn. After letting rumours accusing others to circulate, Neil Parish was suspended Friday, said he got onto the porn site by accident looking for tractors but re-visited it, then resigned Saturday. Following more EU sanctions against 50 oligarchs and companies including Gazprom, Russia cut the gas off to Bulgaria and Poland. How did you sanction a company you traded with? Greenpeace called imports of 1.9 million oil barrels since the start of the war, ‘utterly disingenuous’ when the UK vowed less reliance on Russian supplies. GSK reported a £9.8 billion turnover in the first quarter, thanks in part to anti-viral drug Xevudy. Meanwhile, treatments for tremors involved zapping neurons and the first person treated for Parkinson’s with a Deep Brain Stimulation implant, declared a miracle. York councillors divested Prince Andy of Freedom of the City.
Eyes shutting while reading, I hoped to be less fatigued Thursday. Sadly not. Phil went to the market for bog paper (only loose rolls available) and fishy bits. The shrimps were from Holland. Full import checks on European goods further delayed, supermarkets were happy, but exporters facing red tape and ports having built unnecessary infrastructure, weren’t. The benefits of Brexit eh, Moggy? Was that taking back control?
A tweeter thought it fun to relabel BA ‘British Wokeways’ for refusing to fly migrants to Rwanda over fears of a backlash. Charter flights would add to an already astronomical £120 million for the scheme. A whopping £30,000 each, Phil reckoned it’d be cheaper to give people the money to go home. In more commons sleaze, Jamie Wallis was charged with a hit and run, Imran Khan belatedly submitted a resignation letter (after getting another full month’s pay), Liam Byrne was suspended for 2 days, and a female MP was called ‘a secret weapon’ as all the men wanted to sleep with her. Ben Wally said they should avoid ‘toxic bars’ and Sue Braverman claimed there wasn’t a ‘pervasive culture’ of misogyny but some bad apples. Yes, but it only took one to rot the whole barrel! Keir said he took all allegations seriously and hoped colleagues had confidence in the complaints procedure. On QT, Jon Ashworth agreed the cost of living was the most important issue but connected to Partygate because tories were disconnected and dismissed people’s real concerns as ‘silly’. Mims Davies wittered about jobs and floundered trying the defend the migrant policy against accusations of being ‘pick and choose’. After telling Iain Dale Channel 5 had thrived when it was privatised (it was never public!) an unusually sober Dreadful Doris came on Newscast to prate about impartiality and privatising Channel 4 even though 96% were against it.
Friday, Phil said he needed a haircut: “I look like I’m from a Britpop band.” “No you don’t. Mines’ worse.” “It does need colouring in.” “Thanks!” I sat abed writing until hungry and hot, considered getting lunch but he brought it to me. Perhaps staying put was a good thing, because I felt much better on a bright Saturday. I went to the rag market to buy haberdashery from friendly stall-holders then waited for Phil to come to an exhibition of historic photos by a local celeb. On the way, we were waylaid by falling blossom and dandelions. I later created a Facebook album but the dazzling yellow blooms went unappreciated. Balking at a £5 suggested donation, we contributed by purchasing juice. Phil’s photography mate had planned the showing for 2020. They bemoaned work being on hold since covid and I sympathised with his travails being interviewed for a documentary. I could talk for England but stick me in front of camera, I was dumbstruck!
550 Network Rail upgrade projects over the bank holiday weekend, cleaners and conductors’ strikes meant TPE only ran a small number of (dirty) services. Roads were predicted to be quiet. A good job with herds of animals on the M62 at Eccles and Brighouse. Madelaine McTernan who worked on the covid vaccine rollout, was appointed HRT tsar. Demand up thanks to The Davina Effect, I felt I was missing out not taking it.
The Corvus Diaries 