Corvus Bulletin 11:Mind Your Pi’s and Rho’s (Covid Inquiry June-Dec 2023)

“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)

The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22^nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.

Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.

On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.

Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.

At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2^nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18^th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!

Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.

The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.

As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.

The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.

All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.

Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”

Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.

Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.

Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.

Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.

On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.

Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.

In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.

Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11^th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!

Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.

The NHS’ 75^th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.

*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:

Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)

Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).

**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘

The Corvus Papers 1: Shock And Awe

”This is not an abstract discussion…this is whether people can live meaningful lives” (Michael Marmot)

Striking Out

The geese migrated during August, picking at weeds and sunbathing in the middle of our street, which was okay except for them pooing on the doorstep. The Local Celeb and Wife on the street below concurred.

Blogs taking a hiatus, I planned to look for paid freelancing jobs but DIY took up most of the month. The task hard enough, another heatwave made it even worse. On the plus side, in a tangle of wires behind the telly, we discovered appliances unnecessarily plugged in thus using leccy, including the evil Xbox. Slimming down to essentials would save pennies! And I got to wear a racy early 21^st century painting outfit of wide pants and an FCUK tee. Phil slogged to the hardware store in the next village on Monday 1^st and buses not turning up, lugged bags of plaster back. The Woman Next Door subsequently said she’d have given him a lift. Maybe next time. After fixing the living room ceiling, we tackled the grotty wall behind the sofa. Cobwebs and dust had congealed into fluffy brown clumps. Vile stains proved immovable. Resigned to painting, could we buy the same shade? Of course not! And when that made a dazzling yellow, we had to make all the others match, and do the windows. While the sofa was in the middle of the room, I enjoyed the different view but not the inconvenience of being unable to reach the side table. Our woes paled into insignificance as a fire in a converted mill gutted creative businesses. Starting at 2.00 a.m. on Tuesday 2^nd in the Italian Restaurant kitchen, we speculated that someone left the chipper on arson by a rival, The building declared unsafe, fire engines from Manchester and across Yorkshire worked throughout the day to make it safe, and people were told to avoid closed town centre roads – an Air BnB tragedy! Mercifully no casualties, nearby homes were evacuated and others advised to keep windows and doors shut. The Lampshade Maker whose studio was destroyed, went on Look North to say “I can’t believe it’s all gone!” A resident of the street below, we got her story first-hand a couple of days later when she returned from a restorative woodland walk. As they were insured, I was flummoxed by crowd-funding for those affected.

Saturday, I bumped into German Friend and Counsellor Friend. Bantering on the trials of shopping and the oddness of Steampunk and classic car weekend coinciding, I mentioned we’d go see the old bangers Sunday. Counsellor Friend quipped: “Talking about yourself? Ha, ha.” “Cheeky! It’s a touchy subject. I’m 60 in a month.” “Oh no! That means my brother is too and I’ve sent him nowt.” German Friend confided 60 didn’t feel that bad. As she waved bye, I briefly recounted our travails to Counsellor Friend then apologised for cheerless rabbiting.

Sunday in the park was indeed weird. Were the punters steam-gammons or gammon-punks? As well as admiring the classics, providing Phil a month’s worth of photo-editing, we bought a mini table vice, prompting a ditty to the tune of edelweiss and perused the extortionate ‘food court’. Heading into town, we browsed the squat library, eyed suspiciously by young anarcho-punks. I was reading them old classics before their parents were born!

A couple of weeks later, the squat windows were smashed; there were some nasty people about, but I had to chuckle at handwritten notices threatening court to anyone who entered without their permission – very anarchistic! Finding nothing tempting on the steampunk market or normal Sunday market, we got pasties and pop from the shop and sat near the wavy steps to watch the antics of poseurs, dogs and kids in kilts, becoming rather warm in the strong sun. Sauntering home, we chatted to Irish Neighbour clearing up dead trees on the street, about the town being packed with tourists, inflation, Brexit and the war, leading to another apology for being so depressing!

Covid deaths fell 11% for the first time since June. King’s College research put long-covid in 3 categories: neurological; breathing; other symptoms. Predicting recession in the last quarter and lasting into 2023. the BoE raised the interest rate to 1.75%. Andrew Bailey blamed Russia for rising energy costs. Gammons were still in denial it was anything to do with Brexit. Trussed-Up repeated she’d lower taxes ‘from day one’ rather than give cost of living handouts, and Rishi Rich said if they didn’t get inflation under control, tories could ‘kiss goodbye’ to the next election. Meanwhile, 52% of people polled, now found a pint unaffordable. BT workers on strike, Lisa Nandy joined a CWU picket line in Wigan. As they were affiliated to labour, she had permission and didn’t speak to the media, she incurred no wrath, unlike Tarry. Locked into a 4-year 2% pay deal, junior doctors would get less than NHS colleagues. The BMA wrote to Rishi and Truss urging them to prevent an inevitable strike. Offered a paltry 2%, Scottish bin men struck for the duration of the Edinburgh fringe. Accused of ‘levelling down’, Trussed-Up ditched plans for public sector regional pay boards. Amid hacking fears, GCHQ delayed mailing of tory leadership ballot papers. Lord Cruddas said a vote for Boris would stop interference. Horrifyingly, he’d probably be back after she fucked up. The New Statesman obtained a video wherein Rishi boasted of diverting funds from deprived urban areas to places that ‘really deserved it’ like Tunbridge Wells. Chair of red wall tory northerners, Jake Berry, wasn’t impressed. Nandy wrote to her counterpart Greg Clark to ‘urgently investigate’ saying: “It’s scandalous that Rishi Sunak is openly boasting that he fixed the rules to funnel taxpayers’ money to prosperous Tory shires.”

Amid reports of traffickers reducing prices in a competitive market, 14 boats arrived in Ramsgate, each carrying 50 people. The record 700 migrants on a single day were bussed in double-deckers. Ship Razoni set off to full of Ukrainian grain at long last. Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan prompted Chinese military exercises, reports of fighter jet incursions into Taiwanese airspace and the firing of 11 missiles. China later halted co-operation with the US in key areas such as climate change, military talks and combating international crime, and sanctioned Pelosi. Why the hell did the daft woman go there? Jaswant Singh Chail, arrested on Christmas day for possessing a loaded crossbow with intent to harm Queenie at Windsor Castle, was charged under the treason act. In a bid to reserve dwindling water supplies, hosepipe bans were announced in Hants, Kent and Sussex. After Useless George told The Torygraph there should be a national ban, water companies were derided for impractical water-saving tips. We Own It gasped: ‘who has an oak barrel?’ As a burst water main flooded Hornsey Road, George Monbiot told Jeremy Vine it was no surprise water companies piped profits into shareholders’ pockets instead of investing in infrastructure. James Gammon was the only one who didn’t agree they should be nationalised. A dad bathing with his kids found a stash of dumped guns in a river pool in Catford. Harry Gration’s funeral took place at York Minster while Issey Miyake was buried before the news of his demise broke. Roy Hackett (equality campaigner and founder of the Bristol bus boycott paving the way for the Race Relations Act), also died. Surely that solved the issue of whose statue should replace Colston? A new super-fast mapping device on the William Herschel telescope would help analyse how the galaxy was formed. Maybe they should’ve detected lumps of Space X which landed in a farmer’s field in New South Wales. Rather than demand compo, they could sell it back to Elon Musk or flog it on e-bay. A Halifax woman hilariously electrocuted hoovering her fake lawn, was saved from death by awful rubber shoes.

Taxing Times

Headaches, befuddlement, hot flushes and melancholia plagued the second week of August. Although sometimes too fatigued to exercise, I managed to not stay abed. To top it all, a series of tech issues made the laptop sluggish and the ipad suddenly decided I needed to verify my Apple account and my date of birth was wrong! Phil located the freephone number for a human to eventually sort it, but the palaver was very stressful. Almost as bad as trying to extract dosh from a piddly stakeholder pension. Over-complicated and a total con (why did I have to pay tax when I’d already paid it on earnings?), after advice from Moneywise, I gave up. Neighbours all abroad in the hot spell, idle chatter brought light relief although I avoided the WhatsApp group to oppose new affordable housing and close contact with The Widower, whose daughter came to look after him and ended up bedridden with suspected covid!

Tempted by a co-op deal of pizzas and beer for a fiver, I couldn’t find the 4-pack. A staff member located it ‘on the beer shelf’. “Which one?” When I told him I’d got no reply to my complaint to HO, he requested I let him know if I did. After greeting a woman on the street below for the first time on the way, she and her partner sat out on deckchairs on my return. I remarked on their extremely fluffy cat. “Yes, it must be hot.” “I was thinking that; I know they like sun but there are limits!” Sunday, we visited the favoured clough to find it so dry we could walk up the brook – a secret gorge! (see Cool Placesⁱ). We also noticed felled red leaves due to hot, dry conditions. BBC Breakfast later mentioned the ‘false autumn’. A notice on the convenience store advertised part-time vacancies. Phil had a new job within weeks. I was chuffed for him, not because of the money but because it boosted his self-esteem. Interesting fact: the stores’ huge basement extended to the marketplace – a possible history photo project. Struggling to sleep with hot flushes and drippy sweats over the weekend, I had weird dreams. One entailed ex-colleagues in workplace scenarios giving me food and cash in an envelope marked ‘office reserves’. In another, Walking Friend and I used a shortcut to the airport via a college with lots of rooms. It looked familiar like I’d previously dreamt the place, while simultaneously feeling as though I should and shouldn’t be there.

7,000 extra NHS beds were planned for winter but there wouldn’t be enough staff. Ending a 3-month lockdown after allegedly only 74 deaths, Kim Jong-un proclaimed a North Korean victory over covid. The UK economy shrank by 0.1% April-June. Firms still waiting for business rate rebates promised during the pandemic, ¾ of restaurant chains made a loss. National Energy Action wanted help urgently; the later it came, the more people would die in cold homes. Protesting soaring bills, the social media movement Don’t Pay UK gained momentum, but not paying could lead to more problems. Jack Munro advised reducing prices for all and switching from DD to standing order payments, depending on penalties. ¾ of red wall tory voters reckoned government failed to tackle the cost of living crisis. Gordy Brown and CBI boss Tony Danker also wanted something urgent. Number 10 said that would be up to the new PM and ministers drew up options for whoever that would be (as if we didn’t know). Danker spluttered: “We simply cannot afford a summer of government inactivity while the leadership contest plays out followed by a slow start from a new PM and cabinet.” Boris shocked energy bosses by actually turning up to a meeting with Kwasi Modo and Nads Zahawi who inanely said it was tough times. Trussed-Up said profits weren’t dirty and windfall taxes were about ‘bashing business’. We Own It found 3/5 supported public ownership of utilities and the Tony Blair institute reckoned Truss’s plans would save low income households a mighty 76p per month. Nurses asking for a 16% rise (which they’d never get) took part in a strike ballot. BBC leadership interviews avoided, later in the month, Trussed-Up insisted she was too busy to speak to Nick Robinson. After Rishi said he’d bin it, Ben Wally scrapped the muted migrant camp at Linton-On-Ouse. Of 7 cities shortlisted to host Eurovision 2023, Glasgow was shockingly the only one outside England. During chaos in Oxford Street not reported in mainstream media, American candy shops were looted, Ferraris jumped on, police assaulted and a dispersal order enforced. The legal test for prosecution not met, CPS dropped charges against 6 attendees at the Sarah Everard vigil, March 2021. Dania Al-Obeid subsequently brought civil proceedings against The Met. Salman Rushdie was stabbed preparing to give a lecture in NY state. More wildfires in Portugal, Spain, Southern France and England, new heat warnings were issued and official droughts declared in parts of south and east England. Introducing a hosepipe ban, Thames Water dished out bottled water due to a glitch. The ban came to Yorkshire 26^th August. Half of Europe parched, Naga Manchette was ‘shocked’ by a dry Rhine. The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Florida house and later disclosed they found 100 ‘top secret’ document – all a conspiracy of course! Olivia Newton John and Raymond Briggs died. A moving tribute to the latter on The Beeb was followed by Ethel & Earnest.

Shocking Disparities

A boring start to week 3, I was cheered by charity shopping (finding a cute shirt in the Community Shop) and lunch with Walking Friend Wednesday. Seeking a change, we headed for The Kitchen but ran away from exorbitant prices. Walking Friend queried where would we get cheaper in this town? One of our usual places of course! After baked potatoes at half price in The Tearooms, we wandered town and gazed upon the weir. She told me she once found a safe with the back blown off in a brook. Was it from a heist? Phil had arranged to put a picture up for her Friday, but as more problems were unearthed, he delayed doing anything more till a spark had a proper look. Glad of no cooking after a day decorating alone, I noted the cold tapas was rather pricey. Phil predicted eating more chicken nuggets in future. I used to scoff at people saying eating fresh was more expensive than junk, but Inflation at a record 10.1% and groceries up 11.6%, it really was now! Sunday, we returned to the foraging grounds for a couple of pounds of blackberries. Enjoyable but knackering, I managed to splatter my jeans in purple juice (See Cool Places).

Effective against the original Wuhan and Omicron strains of coronavirus, Moderna’s new bivalent vaccine would provide 13 of the 26 million autumn booster doses. We were counselled to take up whatever was offered. As roll-out was confirmed from 5^th September, starting with the housebound and care homes, GPs warned £10.60 per jab wasn’t enough to ensure delivery. US scientists found musical instruments no worse spreaders than normal breathing. SNP MP Margaret Farrier pleaded guilty to exposing the public to covid travelling by train between London and Glasgow, September 2020. Monkeypox cases plateaued at 20 a day, but vaccine shortages caused concern. Northern mayors feared drastic bus service cuts when coronavirus support ended and Heathrow extended the cap on passengers until 29^th October. Calling them lame, Mike O’Leary pledged to save half-term with extra Stanstead flights. At the end of August, Ryanair announced more winter flights than ever while Eurostar still recovering from the pandemic’s impact, would axe direct London services to Disneyland Paris next year. Generation Covid who’d missed out on GCSE exams, received A level and T level results. Less students achieving top grades than when based on teacher assessments in 2021, record numbers progressed to university. A stark divide between private and public schools, a shocking disparity between the South East and North East was blamed on the disproportionate impact of lockdowns (11% versus 15% lessons missed). A week later, GCSE results showed similar regional differences, with almost 1/3 above grade 7/A in London, compared to around 1/5 in the North East, Yorks and Humber, due to poverty and lost learning. Pearson’s BTEC results delayed, labour urged Ofqual to investigate what went wrong. As The Bumbler was on his hols again, Tory donor Lord Rose said he was on shore leave. Keir also accused of being MIA, labour set out plans to cancel the £400 energy payments and freeze the price cap instead. The £29 bn outlay would be paid for by windfall tax changes, more income from bigger oil and gas prices and lower inflation making government loans less costly. No authority to implement plans, it heaped pressure on the government to do more.

ONS data showed private sector ay rose 5.4% compared to 1.8% for the public sector. Wages fell 3% in real terms. Richard Walker told BBC Breakfast about Iceland’s partnership with Fair For You, giving micro-loans so the hard-up could buy food. 18-month pilots revealed few defaulted, with easy terms of £1 a week if they did. Avanti West Coast reduced their timetable due to staff ‘making themselves unavailable’, and cancelled advance ticket sales till 11^th September. Avanti MD Phil Whittingham resigned 15^th September, exposing his lies that less services were staffs’ fault. More strikes on 18^th and 20^th August saw 4/5 trains cancelled and Jeremy Corbyn on the Euston picket line. RMT members joined TFL pickets Friday. Mick Lynch said workers in other sectors were winning pay disputes and the public were increasingly behind them. DOT pledged a below-inflation rail fare rise, delayed until March – so less than 11.% then! P&O unbelievably wouldn’t face criminal charges for sacking staff. After polio was found in the sewage of 8 London boroughs, child vaccines became urgent. Water companies scandalously leaked 3bn litres a day and gave bosses 18% bonuses. Downpours didn’t alleviate droughts as instead of soaking into the ground, rain caused flash-flooding in Market Raisin and raw sewage dumps led to warnings on 60 beaches, largely along the south coast but also at Morecambe and Robin Hoods Bay. Signs warned Lake Windermere visitors of blooming algae – that’d be the poo then! 20,000 arriving in dinghies so far this year, the High Court heard an adviser told government Rwanda wasn’t safe for migrants. Concerns over the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant mounting, Erdogan met Vlod in Lviv to agree parameters of an International Atomic Agency mission. Pro-Putin commentator Darya Duginer (daughter of Alexander aka Rasputin), was killed by a car bomb. Outspokenly in support of the invasion, Ukraine denied involvement. The demise of Wolfgang Peterson meant no more Das Boot.

A Shock To The System

Towards the end of the month, I battled with achiness, demotivation and occasional tearfulness, to submit my autumn contribution to Valley Life magazine and attend the blood test appointment. A bruise-like mark later marred the crook of my elbow. Phil said: “That’s normal – you should see druggies’ arms.” “I don’t want to look like a junkie! Nothing else untoward, I thought right, where’s my HRT then? Despite several attempts, I failed to speak to a GP let alone get any. The weather reverting to type, scantily-clad tourists still stalked the town, idiotically looking in windows. “Ooh! A shoe shop!” Did they not have shoes where they came from? Feeling low midweek, soft evening light tempted us on a stroll along the canal and back through the park where teenagers did what teenagers do. Over the bank holiday weekend, we finished the living room revamp. Cleaning paintbrushes outside, a Local Historian toddled up for the first proper chat ever. She informed us she founded Valley Life and invited us to look at her vast Alice Longstaff collection which was nice. Breaking from DIY Sunday, we foraged to and from the hilltop village, competing with hunting spiders and supping butterflies. Wild apples augmented our berry harvest. After baking a massive crumble, there was enough to make jam. Phil suggested adding liqueur to the last smidge creating delicious jambuca. Slimmer pickings for a co-op top-up, the mentally-challenged cashier asked for £22. “Eh? That’s an expensive cabbage!” Phil was disgruntled by a lack of bank holiday fun but I was pleased we’d made progress, unlike with birthday and vacation plans. Anxious on Tuesday at a lack of preparedness, I failed to find any £1 tickets promised by Northern Rail, booked flexible off-peak returns to Scarborough and faffed saving e-tickets. I also booked the Cypriot restaurant for a birthday lunch, inviting Waling Friend. The next day, we went up to hers via a hidden path which mysteriously wound round above our street. As I gave her a jar of jam, she remarked she already had loads from an honesty box and a recent glut of plums on her terrace; but ours was a triumph! Phil took measurements for a spare part and got her kettle working so she could make a cuppa. On departure, she gave me a book and a selection of tiny jars of sparkles for crafting, vowing to stop buying stuff from Wish. This prompted a tirade on rising costs and not having a government. “Don’t get depressed.” She counselled. “I’m always depressed; it’s just a question of degrees!”

That evening, Aslef announced strikes on 15^th and 17^th September. No returning a day early to avoid the 9.00 a.m. check-out, a second begging attempt to the holiday let office mercifully resulted in an extension.

UK covid cases still falling, kids had less. ONS said they’d closely monitor rates when schools returned. The Covid alert fell from level 3 to 2 – I didn’t even know that was still a thing! It belied over 500 weekly fatalities with the death rate 18% above average for the time of year. Filipino kids went back to school wearing masks. No live classes for 2 years, 10 year olds were illiterate. Japan in the midst of a wave since July, PM Fumio Kishida tested positive. Anti-lockdowners Martin Hockridge and 3 others got 12-month community orders for harassing Nick Watt in June 2021.

ONS data for July revealed excess deaths during the heatwave; 7% higher than the daily average. GPs prescribed walking and cycling to combat mental health issues in several test areas including Bradford. Hints they could prescribe gas discounts prompted Wes Streeting to guffaw that government had ‘lost the plot’. Cineworld bankrupt, they continued trading, pending re-structure. Asda bought 129 co-op forecourts and 3 sites to cut co-op debt, sparking competition concerns. Sainsburys announced the scrapping of ‘use by dates’ on yogurt and pledged £65m to keep prices down. Lidl would take on 10,000 extra staff, provide them free Christmas dinners, and sold wonky veg stunted by drought, advocating other supermarkets follow suit.

Inflation forecast to reach 18%, ahead of setting a new energy price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged government to double support or freeze suppliers’ charges. Rishi insisted he had the right priorities and Keir, looking like a nob in a hardhat, said labour had a plan. EDF warned half of households could face fuel poverty in winter, while SSE’s Seagreen Wind Farm turbines started spinning. Chip shops facing ‘extinction’, as, amongst other things, the price of cod bizarrely went up because of the war, pub chains wrote to government for help in preventing closures, but Nads was on a beano in America discussing long-term solutions to the gas crisis instead of sorting out immediate problems. He helpfully told The Torygraph the ‘national economic emergency’ would likely last 2 years. The Small Business Federation sought pandemic-style aid for companies. As the energy price cap rose to £3,549, Cornwall insight who correctly predicted the amount, warned it’d be £5k by Jan. Rachel Reeves wanted it cancelled.

Responsible for the 80% hike, Ofgem brazenly said government must act. Saying they knew this was coming for months, Martin Lewis bade they let us know now what further help there’d be. BG pledged 10% of profits to help the poorest customers, leaving 95% with nothing extra. Nads working ‘flat out’ on options, Useless George reiterated it was wrong to implement any until we had a new PM, and it’d be at the top of their in-tray – I should hope so! Not mentioning the hike, Rishi spoke of a mistake empowering scientists in the coronavirus response and not paying enough attention to longer-term impacts of lockdowns such as kids missing school and the NHS backlog. Posing in a hi-viz jacket to look at fibre optic cables, Boris lied that he wasn’t shrinking from the issues and more help was coming. He’d done nothing useful and would be gone in a week! Keir appeared on Jeremy Vine to say public ownership of utility companies wouldn’t bring prices down, omitting to mention government could use profits to subsidise bills and invest in infrastructure and renewables. Resolution Foundation predicted a 10% fall in mean disposable income in 2022 and 14m in poverty 2023-4. Saying it’d affect 10m kids, Institute of Health Equity boss Prof Michael Marmot said it’d affect 10m kids and it wasn’t an ‘abstract discussion’.

Seeing no end to the awful state we were in, I added: ‘things can only get shitter!’ Phil reckoned Brexit would eventually sort out with a new government but not energy costs. The European strategy of relying on Russia worse and Gazprom cutting their gas supply allegedly for maintenance, Macron told the French it was the new normal. Nowt like a rich cunt telling you to get used to being poor! But at least they offered more short-term assistance.

Offered a £500 lump sum and 7% more pay, dockworkers at Felixstowe Port began an 8-day strike. Incensed at disrupted supplies, Daily Mail readers decried the communist plot. Wanting a 20% rise but offered 15%, barristers announced an indefinite strike from 5^th September. One who used to work in a coffee shop, echoed my line that she was better off as a barista. Urging labour to ‘get a spine’ and stand up for workers, Unite’s Sharon Graham called for co-ordinated or overlapping strikes to cause maximum impact.

Journalists offered 3% at Reach newspaper group (Mirror, Express and MEN) walked out. Further action in September was postponed. Postal workers struck again at the end August and 8^th & 9^th Sept. At least I could pretend that was the reason for hardly any birthday cards! In a keynote speech to the Edinburgh TV festival, Emily Maitlis said tory cronyism was at the heart of the BBC with former Mrs May spin doctor and adviser to GB News Robbie Gibb, on the board. A record 1,295 migrants in 27 boats, crossed the channel. Only 21 of 52,000 ‘illegal’ arrivals expelled post-Brexit, Nasty Patel launched a Rapid Removal Scheme to fly Albanian migrants back within hours. Yet another madcap idea that would never happen!

Ukraine independence day landed exactly six month after the start of the invasion. Security was tightened, celebrations banned and captured Russian tanks lined Kyiv streets. Boris went to parade with Vlod and get the order of liberty medal – what a twat! Meanwhile, Kharkiv and Chaplyne were shelled and Vlad The Impaler announced a 13% increase in the Russian army in 2023 – a far cry from glasnost on the day Mikhail Gorbachev died. With over 1,000 dead, Pakistan appealed for help dealing with floods. NASA released coloured-in pictures of Jupiter from the James Webb telescope and aborted take-off of the Space Launch System to the moon as part of the Artemis project. Due to a hydrogen leak, more failed attempts followed at the weekend. Cambridge and Caltech boffins made mice from stem cells.

Reference:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 106 – Clownfall

“Too many people are losing the battle to keep a roof over their heads – struggling to pay rent and put food in their mouths…the next Prime Minister needs to get a grip on this crisis, and fast” (Polly Neate)

Liar, Liar!

July 1^st, I managed a full day out of bed, hung washing in sunshine and nipped in the art shop for an open studios brochure on the way to the co-op. As I danced in the aisles to ‘The Chelsea Song’*, someone said “nice moves, Mary!” I turned and smiled before recognising Bully Ex-neighbour. That was the end of blanking her, then! A rain shower eased as I walked back alongside Irish Neighbour who predicted it’d stop altogether when we got home. Alas, it didn’t. As it got wetter, Phil dashed out to fetch the laundry. Sun returning, I started to peg it back, but darkening skies made me abandon the idea. The Widower chatted to The Woman Next Door. His unleashed dog roamed the street, weed near our door and jumped up to plant 2 matching muddy paw prints on my light summer jeans. The Widower apologised and offered to wash them. I said it was okay, then went in to rant and soak the jeans.

ONS estimated covid went up another 32%, with 1:35 infected in Yorkshire and 1:25 in Calderdale. Prof Linda Bauld blamed holidaymakers returning from Portugal. Shats unveiled a 22 point plan for air flights. Scottish cops withdrew ‘goodwill’. The work to rule was triggered by a ‘derisory’ offer of £564 extra pay.

Waking early with a cough Saturday, I sucked a pastille and fell back asleep. Both tired, we stayed in. Phil cut my hair and tackled the greasy kitchen then rested while I cleaned floors and went to the co-op for beer. Bantering with My Mate at the kiosk, a woman randomly mentioned Crackerjack. “It’s Friday, it’s 5 to 5…” I quoted. “Oops! I’m showing my age. I know I don’t look it!” Hitherto cloudy, I strolled back in the gorgeous evening and stopped to chat with German Friend warming in sunshine outside her house. Her next-door’s makeshift patio an improvement on the caravan, I desisted in calling it a bit gammon when she said they were nice neighbours. Bemoaning a lack of parking space, set to worsen with the mill development, she planned to bring it up at their upcoming street party. Wondering what good that would do, Phil agreed the fallacy it was a private street gave them delusions of authority! The Woman Next Door had parked in the middle of our street. When End Neighbour arrived, I banged on next door and faked fear of being run over as she backed up. The Widower similarly struggled to park then discovered he’d brought the wrong keys out and had to enter a daft code to get spares from a box. I stayed out to soak up rays, swept cobwebs off the window and lopped the rosebush to prevent eye pokes.

Arriva bus services resumed during talks but the strike was back on a week later. 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in London, Pride revellers were told to stay home if they had monkeypox symptoms and vaccine was offered to contacts.

Quorn sausage instead of meat Sunday, felt like a treat. That mightn’t last as farmers losing £30 per pig threatened to stop production. Phil said “The government can’t admit Brexit’s a mess and there’s no money coming in through trade.” “What about VAT? If they don’t do something, it’ll be more costly when we all die of malnutrition!” Bunman reckoned this was more of a health risk than the pandemic.

Phil having no luck job-hunting, I proposed offering IT skills to artists. Open Studios a good place to start, we visited the main venues. In the first, a woman created charming bird paintings and inspiring collages. Phil offered to take photos of her pictures so she could sell prints online. Mysteriously seeing nobody we knew in the next studio, we climbed steep steps to the upper art mill floors where Photography Friend chuckled: “About time you showed up!” We discussed selling her greetings cards online and the trials of videoing. Browsing jewellery, I was greeted by the silversmith who turned out to be End Neighbour’s daughter.

After visiting a couple of charity shops, we crossed a square busy with bikers and other motley folk to get pop, and supped it near the wavy steps. Lads built a fort on duck island, a boy disgustingly picked up birdseed to hand-feed pigeons, and a misfit black and white mallard mixed with waterfowl until a dog splashed into the water.

It emerged Boris used a government jet to holiday in Cornwall last month. An ill-briefed Thérèse Coffee-Cup was wheeled out to parrot Number 10 press office lines. Most covid infections caused by the BA.5 Omicron subvariant, Thicko Dr. Jenny Harries resurrected the old ‘hands, face, space’ mantra, advised face-masks in busy indoor places and those with respiratory illnesses stayed home. As Russia took control of Lysychansk and accused Ukraine of missile strikes on Belgorod, Gen Mark Milley made parallels between Russian invasions and Nazi Germany but NATO stronger than ever, didn’t think we were on the road to war. Lord Brownnose allegedly got his knighthood for rescuing Bonny Prince Charlie’s daft Dumfries eco homes plan.

Iffy with twinges Monday, I resolved to not stay abed, posted a haiga, drafted blogs, and went to the co-op. The Bonkers woman fretted with a friend over what she could afford for tea. Things were bad if the middle classes were worried! I eschewed pricey items for a low-cost top-up. The young cashier very fast, I asked did he work at Lidl before? “No, kitchens.” I dumped bags near the front door, filled the watering can from the outside tap and jumped at a “Hello Mary.” I hadn’t seen The Woman Next Door on her doorstep. It was hard to keep a straight face as she held a bonger in one hand and traced circles round her face with a tuning fork in the other. Phil guessed it was some zen shit. DIY tuning fork therapy, actually. He was in stiches at a woman on Look North who clearly bought her furnishings from Noir: “And look at that gammon tan!” Thinking he said ‘Gammantine’, I asked if that was a new décor style.

Having said they had no evidence, the BBC admitted 6 complaints against DJ Tim Westwood who police spoke to once. Downing Street stated that aware of ‘reports and speculation’, Boris referred to the ex-whip as ‘Pincher by name, Pincher by nature’, but didn’t know of any substantiated allegations. The National Gallery was evacuated when Just Stop Oil protesters superimposed an apocalyptic future vision onto Constable’s Haywain and glued themselves to the frame. The next day, they augmented The Last Supper at the Royal Academy. Motorists staged country-wide motorway go-slows. Yorkshire cops deployed stingers and chilled-out Bristol cops provided an escort, but arrested 12 for blocking the Prince of Wales Bridge. Due to local food costs, school caterers switched from chicken to turkey and beef to gammon, largely imported. No fuel for teachers, Sri Lanka extended school closures another week. Suspecting bird flu killed chicks on the Farne Isles, NT banned boat trips. 6 were massacred and 36 injured during a Chicago Independence Day parade. Culprit and wannabee rapper Robert E. Crimo III posted cartoons of himself doing the shooting.

Waking frequently, I ended up oversleeping Tuesday. Phil sorted stuff still in bags from Leeds and gave me a posh ruler for to-scale measuring: handy for all that model-building I did! Feeling sleepy, I quit writing for active chores to be stymied by him nabbing the hoover.

Wage growth below inflation, The Resolution Foundation warned 1:4 people’s savings wouldn’t last a month if they lost their job. Lynch told the RMT conference the current strike was the fight of a lifetime. Offered 6%, Bosch Rexworth factory workers in Fife walked out. High street coffee almost £3 a cup, Pret a Manger returned to profit. Hundreds of BA flights cancelled, EasyJet COO Peter Bellew quit over chaos. 40% of travel insurance policies gave insufficient strike or covid cover. At 7.00 a.m., former top FCO civil servant Lord Simon McDonald, published a letter telling Kathryn Stone Boris knew about The Pincher in 2019, belying claims allegations were ‘unsubstantiated’. It was news to ex-foreign minister Rabid Raab. Boris blathered to Chris Mason it was a mistake to make The Pincher a whip. Barely sensical, he ‘tried to explain’ he was ‘focused on other things’. Yeah! Saving your own skin! MPs in constituencies over the weekend asked how many boys they’d touched up and ministers sick of looking stupid fire-fighting for their boss, Rishi and Goblin Saj resigned early evening. The Goblin said: “I can no longer, in good conscience, continue to serve in this government.” Rishi wrote: “The public rightly expect government to be conducted properly, competently and seriously.” Nads Zahawi hilariously became Chancellor on the spot. Tarzan Heseltine told Newsnight it was the end. Instrumental in ousting Thatcher, he should know. 12 overnight resignations included solicitor general Alex Chalk. Boris predictably phoned Vlod.

Again up late Wednesday, I worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Keir said promoting The Pincher despite known predatory behaviour was serious; the PM handed him power and was propped up by a party defending the indefensible. A ‘charge of the very light brigade’, we needed rid of the ‘zed list cast of nodding dogs’. Boris reiterated labour had no plan, rudely pointed at the shadow cabinet and disbelieved Keir’s vow to not re-join the EU against the will of the people which had incensed Guardianistas. Ian Blackford guffawed at Boris’ hope of 3 terms in office: “If a week is a long time in politics, 10 days is a lifetime.” Instead of discussing the cost of living and Brexit, as usual, it was all about Boris. Rather than the Monty Python Black Knight, he was the dead parrot. Liz Saville said as the PM always put his political survival before the country’s interests, he was the best recruitment sergeant for independence they could wish for. Tory backbenchers on the attack, was it time to do the decent thing and resign? Lindsay Hoyle told applauding MPs they should be ashamed. Delivering a resignation statement, Goblin Saj said he wasn’t one of life’s quitters, cared deeply about public service, it was a privilege to be trusted in a tough role, nothing mattered more than people’s health, and paid tribute to all in health and social care motivated by the national interest. But they couldn’t allow division to become entrenched, treading a tightrope between loyalty and integrity was now impossible and it was unfair to be made to defend ‘lies’. He’d given the benefit of the doubt over Partygate but enough was enough, problems started at the top, that wouldn’t change, and the choice to stay in the cabinet was an active decision.

Phil headed for Leeds and I for errands in nasty drizzle, getting inflated cough sweets and PJs, £1 crop pants to use for patches on worn-out ones, and DVDs in charity shops. I stopped to reminisce with New Gran and Partner babysitting outside Corner Pub about when it resembled an after-school club.

The RCN said the end of special NHS covid leave showed how little the government cared about staff. Hospitals re-introduced mask-wearing. Unaware it’d gone away, did it explain last months’ dream? On the day of the NI threshold rise, the pound dropped against the dollar. 38 resignations by teatime the most within 24 hours in history, a cabinet delegation plus Graham Brady, waited to tell the PM time was up, as he told the public liaison committee he was getting on with governing the country. Refusing to go, he called the Glove-Puppet a snake and sacked him. Reporters stood in Downing Street battling chants of ‘Boris out!’

On the market Thursday, a customer discussed lobsters with the fishmonger. ”What about langoustines?” I asked, to get a tirade about the only Fleetwood trawler being foreign-owned. I didn’t ask did he vote Brexit! I continued onto the co-op after lunch, gardened in warm sun when Walking Friend came by on her way to town and invited me for a drink. She sat on the bench while I cleared up and The Widower walked his shorn dog past. “Has she had a haircut?” In reply, he removed his hat to display a buzzcut. “That’s dramatic!” I waited outside the pet shop then in a seething square while she erranded. Cafés shutting, I consented to Corner Pub where New Gran and Partner promptly left. “Typical! The one time I’m stopping!” I joked. Walking Friend bought us pints and herself a nibble. Saying she often sat home alone when not working or walking, I invited her for coffee anytime. We’d left Phil doing a work for Alexa. I texted ‘3 guesses’ to which he replied: ‘I only need 1!’ When he arrived, she insisted on buying another round while he ate her congealed garlic bread and made friends with a dog. Behind on the drinking, he wanted another pint, then got hungry. Her bus due, we bade thanks and goodbye. Drowsy after the beer, sleep eluded me until tinnitus suddenly stopped and the world went quiet.

Reporters had reason to stand in Downing Street for once. After a tsunami of 60 government resignations, Boris finally quit, as party leader, not PM. Deflecting blame onto his colleagues, he hastily reshuffled cabinet into a ‘caretaker government’, promising no ‘major change of direction’ ‘til election of a new leader. Phil remarked on the typical Britishness of The Pincher being the final straw after a tsunami of lies! Andrea Jenkyns gave the finger on her way to become education minister. “What a great example to young people!” I exclaimed. “It’s like a corrupt government of a loser country. They all need shoving against the wall!” John Major said the PM should go immediately and Keir threatened a confidence vote if he didn’t. Leadership contenders reaching 11 within days, Boris didn’t endorse any in case it scuppered their chances. Vlod sad, the EU were glad and hoped to ‘reset’ the relationship with the UK. NCA arrested people-traffickers and seized dinghies and paraphernalia from warehouses across Europe. Foreigners allowed at Hajj for the first time in 2 years, 1 million selected by lottery had to be under 65, vaccinated and test negative for covid. Former Japanese PM Shinzo Abe was assassinated while campaigning and Rollerball legend James Khan died.

Erase and Rewind?

A knock on the door Friday signalled Walking Friend dropping off a promised item. She asked was I alright after the pub. “Yes and no; it was lovely but there was loads of stuff I didn’t get done.” “I know. We’ll plan it next time.” Intending to go for a walk after I‘d draft-posted the journal, it was rather late and I still felt tired. Instead, I raked leaves and helped Phil rescue confused bees. Among the comings and goings, Decorating Neighbour asked if we knew anything about End Neighbour. Meant to be holidaying, she had covid. “I’ve no idea. Her daughter said nothing when we saw her Sunday” After drinking rather a lot of wine, I slept reasonably well and had a long episodic dream involving weird office-related crap.

NatWest staff on under £32,000 offered a 4% rise, Unite said it was better than a one-off payment. Oil prices up again, wind power was the cheapest ever. Keir and Rayner were cleared of breaking covid laws during beergate. Gammons whinged about woke Durham cops. Yep, just like Bristol!

Woken by mild leg cramp and loud talking outside, I rose drowsily Saturday. Making brekkie stressful in a cluttered kitchen even though I’d washed up Friday night, I wondered where the hell it all came from? Phil related a mildly racist joke (actually tweeted by Alistair Campbell in April): An Englishman, an American and an Indian walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘the usual Mr. Sunak?’ Putting recycling out, Welsh Art Friend was collecting the baby from young neighbours’ house for an outing. A recent operation explained her absence from Open Studios but she was recovering well. Other artists we’d expected to see all had covid apparently. We got lucky there after all the art events we’d attended recently! She offered to put fliers up to promote Phil’s IT services when we got round to doing them. A bit of a breeze made the warmth bearable enough to repeat my birthday walk during which we admired bright skies and blooms, ate pasties at the farm shop and gathered a few wimberries (see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

Hardly any breeze, Sunday became hot. Suffering dodgy guts, I wondered was it caused by the beer? The cheap bacon tasty but 2 rashers short of a weekend, Phil said it sounded like I’d devised an expression. Not the first neologism we’d invented. The laptop proclaimed no internet. I waited ages to send birthday greetings to a cousin, edit photos and write a haiga. On the way back from the co-op, a couple of women on the street below who’d put water out for geese, were surrounded. “You’ll never get rid of them now!” I chuckled. Sitting on the garden bench, I saw a plate of mushrooms in front of the mini-greenhouse and asked The Woman Next Door on her step were they hers? “Yes.” “What are they doing there?” “Drying.” “Well, I need access and they’re not in the sun.” She moved them to her wall. The way clear, I checked the celery to discover munched leaves and placed shards round the stalks to put the slugs off. It didn’t. Phil brought ancient chilli seeds out to pot and helped clear up. A strange man laden with eggs and berries, visited The Woman Next Door. He’d parked in the middle of street but guided him into a space before they went out. “Who’s that?” asked Phil. “How the hell should I know?” Seeing him early the next day, I speculated it was a boyfriend. We ate lunch outside, dozed, and moved from shade to sun but still hot at 6, retreated indoors. Exhausted, I wrestled with sleep in the hot, bright night and got up to gaze at stars, minimise the light, then tossed and turned to the meditation soundtrack.

On Politics North, new Levelling Up minister Lia Nici repeated the misogynistic slur that Rayner opened her legs in The House, leading to a row with Naz Shah. Widely condemned, why hadn’t the presenter called Nasty Nici out on the spot? Anticipating summer travel chaos, Operation Brock restarted in Kent. After an interminable 2 weeks, Novax won the tennis.

Already sunny at 6.30 a.m. Monday, I opened the bathroom window to let a bug out and went back to bed. interrupted my writing for a counter-signature on his high street store contract. Assuring me scribing with the laptop touchpad was easy, my signature came out as a worse scrawl than usual! We had better luck using the ipad. I performed niggly chores, greeted Next Door and Strange Man and suppressed annoyance at a lack of help (Monday was often busy for Phil too). Assembling various materials to clean a kitchen chair outside, whatever I tried, the blotches kept re-appearing. Phil had a go during a break in google work but it looked worse than ever. I decided the posh paint had gone funny, found nothing suitable in the coal-hole, searched fruitlessly online for new, and said I’d try locally. Falling asleep outside during the longest heatwave for 50 years, I showered and rested on the bed. Although muggy, I slept well that night.

Scotrail drivers agreed on 5% but Aslef voted for summer strikes. A 24 hour Post Office strike with more predicted, bosses whinged they lost £1m a day due to bad relations. Migrants carried a dinghy across a French beach and 442 later arrived in Kent. Sick of criticism for providing a taxi service, the navy didn’t want to take the lead in dealing with channel crossings. A covid lockdown shut all casinos in the Chinese gambling enclave of Macau. The 1922 committee drew up leadership race rules. Candidates needed the backing of 20 MPs and there’d be a new PM by 5^th September. Steve Barclay, tory party favourite Ben Wally, Goblin Saj (amidst tax evasion allegations), Grant Shats and unheard-of Rehman Chisti, dropped out, leaving 8 in the race Tuesday: Rishi Rich (releasing slick video Friday), Trussed-Up Liz, Tom Tughat, Penny Mordar (who withdrew her video when Johnny Peacock objected to inclusion), Kemi Babadook (who wanted to abolish teaching assistants because proles didn’t need educating), Swellen (saying she’d cut taxes as there were too many able people on benefits), The C**t and Nads Zahawi (amid yet more scandal).

Overcast but still warm, writing was hard Tuesday. As head fug and achy eyes set in, I called a halt and went to town for errands and a boogie to radio 2 in the convenience store. Two women queuing in front of me also jigged, remarking we didn’t go out dancing anymore. Heading for what used to be the paint shop, I realised it was now an Asian food store. I thought the fresh air would be invigorating but possibly due to mugginess, my head drooped as I plodded home. Noisy all day, canal works finally packed in for 10 mins peace. I measured the crop pants, cut material off the legs and made PJ patches. Still fatigued, as the sun emerged early evening, we nipped outside for some vit. D and midge bites!

Every ambulance service on red alert, trusts declared a state of emergency due to covid admissions and the heatwave. Meanwhile, Queenie awarded the NHS the George Cross. May Parsons who administered the first covid jab, was among representatives from all 4 UK nations. Heathrow told airlines to ‘stop selling summer tickets’. Now lasting until 11^th September, no wonder we could never find cheap deals anymore. Mo Farah was praised for revealing he wasn’t a child refugee but a trafficked domestic slave. The home office graciously announced they’d take no action but would investigate. £1 now worth $1.19, the Euro fell to just below $1. The war was blamed. NASA showcased cosmic pictures by the James Webb space telescope. The next day, the Chinese said they’d detected a FRB** like a heartbeat, in space.

Wednesday, Phil had an appointment for someone to collect his Leeds studio fridge. I made him a bottle of pop to take and myself coffee and watched shenanigans. On Daily Politics, Tony Danker, CBI wanted less business tax and Heather WTF Whately came out with the same old rubbish: ’I love Rishi!’ Pandemonium at the start of PMQs, Lindsay Hoyle shouted: ‘shut up! order, order!’ Alba MPs Neale Hanvey and Kenny Macaskill were marched out of the chamber to murmurs of insurrection. Keir suggested a demob happy PM free of shackles, could say what he truly thought and forget about following the rules, so was it time to scrap non-dom status? Boris not changing his response, Keir went onto a ‘simpler question’ concerning offshore schemes letting people avoid tax. The Bumbler bizarrely responded any of the leadership candidates could wipe the floor with ‘captain crasherooney snoozefest‘. What was the clown on? Keir persisting on the tories benefiting from tax scams, Boris spouted lies about tax and benefits to a line of nodding dogs on the front bench wearing white and green Srebrenica flowers. Ian Blackford boringly made no jokes.

Warmth tempered by a breeze, I ate lunch outside, cleaned under the garden bench and chatted to a woman walking her elderly cat. Interminable beeping stopped just in time for a rest. Considering going outside again, Phil’s head loomed at the window. I opened the door and replenished the coffee. He followed me to the kitchen, doing my head in jabbering excitedly about his new mate and using the music studio for his photography. About to work on the journal, he asked for assistance making videos for a google work, set up a white screen, screwed his phone on a large tripod and taught me how to record. Quick when it worked, a faff when it didn’t, we called a halt for dinner.

Bereaved families called 200,000 covid deaths ‘a damning milestone’. Resolution Foundation found the richest 10% of Brits owned 29% of disposable income. Only Greece and Cyprus had worse economic deterioration. BOE told banks to double the buffer in case of hardship. Wetherspoons lost £30m – nowt to do with Brexit, eh Tim! The SCE monster was installed in an old lido on Weston beach as part of Unboxed. Formerly known as the Festival of Brexit, there was no mention of Brexit! An extreme weather warning extended to next Tuesday, the army set fire to Salisbury Plain, competing with French and Iberian wildfires. Official buildings and posh homes invaded, instead of resigning, the Sri Lankan president fled, appointed the PM acting president, declared a state of emergency, and a curfew in the western region encompassing Colombo. Protestors then overtook the PM’s compound as grim-faced police fired tear gas and water cannons. The gold walls of a politician interviewed on Newsnight looked pricey enough to cover the national debt. A French inquiry concluded Liverpool fans weren’t to blame for the Paris match debacle 28^th May.

In the co-op Thursday, a few extras brought me above budget but I got free redcurrants from the community garden wall and saw a ringed butterfly for the first time. Storing groceries, I noticed we were low on essentials which I should’ve bought instead of luxuries. Irked by another Windows update leading to lack of productiveness and being indoors on a sunny afternoon, I announced I was going to the park.

Descending the steps reminded Phil he’d seen geese ascend the previous evening. I thought they used the zebra crossing! Today, they were all on the church lawn. We walked along the blooming towpath, where even the island below the aqueduct was festooned. The park busy after school, we bought café ice creams and squatted on stools to munch and watch an entourage of kids pursuing cyclists dressed as sloths. AS they packed up, I discovered they were advertising for festival work. Taking a long route home, we stopped to admire a buddleia when an old art classmate walked by. She stopped to chat further up. Back home, we took coffee outside and Phil fixed pegs while I faffed with a rickety folding chair before extricating broken pots from overgrown ivy. Next Door But One put currants on Next Door’s folding table, explaining the mystery. The Woman Next Door told me about the new age therapy stuff she was studying and the value of ‘precious’ wimberries and came to look at a frog on the edge of the open compost bin. I called Phil to do a rescue but it disappeared in the ivy.

Hit the Ground

Having given up the night before, editing photos and blogging was thankfully faster Friday. As I prepared to clean the bathroom, Phil nabbed the hoover for the attic. Sick of tripping over photography gear, I offered to help sort the clutter but he insisted on doing some cleaning first. Dumping dead flowers in warm drizzle (did that count as rain on St Swithin’s?), the sun came out when I went back in.

1:18 infected, JCVI advised autumn boosters be offered to the clinically vulnerable, health & care workers and the over 50’s. About time! A TUC study revealed the UK had the worst ‘real wage squeeze’ of all G7 countries. Unite’s Sharon Graham said employers making huge profits must pay workers more. On the first televised tory leadership debate, Tom Tughat was the only one who agreed Boris wasn’t honest. The others evaded the question. Asked did they trust politicians, not one audience member raised a hand. Not from Bury market then! Accused of lying over self-ID by Babadook, Mordor got in a muddle. Only capable of working from script, she proved to be quite thick beneath the veneer, supporting Lord Frosty’s claim she was useless! A red ‘extreme heat’ weather warning prompted Downing Street to declare a national emergency for next week. Phil snorted: “this country is lame!”

He got to the kitchen after I’d broken my Saturday brekkie egg and commented cooking eggs was quick. Yeah, when someone else has done all the work! I thought. Warm sun tempered by a breeze, we went on a foraging walk before the dangerous red heat arrived. Popping in the co-op, we stalked the aisles for 3 for 2 snack food which had moved. My Mate at the kiosk said something derogatory about an old man who always wore cowboy gear. “Be nice!” I admonished and let him serve The Cowboy first before he whinged about the coming heatwave. “Are you working? It’s cool in here.” “Yes but it’s getting here.” We ascended fields to a lane lined with wimberry shrubs, picked, munched pastries and admired views before discovering an easier way down (See Cool Placesⁱⁱ). Recovering from the exertions, Phil complained he was too hot. “What do you expect?” I admonished, “You don’t drink water or wear a hat or shades.”

An effort to get going Sunday, I composed a haiga and improvised redcurrant relish. Phil sorted attic stuff. Allegedly still too cluttered for me to go up, I helped dispose of boxes. Cooler and cloudy to start, he reiterated the red heat warning was a load of pants but it became fiercely sunny in the afternoon. We ate lunch al fresco and stayed out a couple of hours, avoiding buzzing bees. An old art teacher came past with his dog. He’d semi-retired and passed on event co-ordination to The Printer, and admin to Welsh Art Friend. As he knew them both, it was definitely worth Phil sticking up fliers.

Boris accused of partying and going up in an RAF tornado instead of chairing cobra meetings, Rayner said he should step down now. The home office select committee found the Rwanda ploy no deterrent. Labour shortages predicted to cost the economy £30bn a year, there were calls to reset Brexit. How did that work? 2 billion vaccinated, covid cases rose in India to a 4-month high of 20,528. The second leadership debate on ITV an hour of in-fighting, the third due to air on Sky was cancelled when Rishi Rich and Trussed-Up declined to take part. 10 armed robbers raided the Apple store in Covent Garden.

After an unusually good night’s sleep, I donned minimal clothing Monday, did small chores, saved dumped items near the recycling and undrunk tea (very nice with ice and lemon on the very hot day), and posted the haiga. The co-op top-up cheap, My Mate was keeping cool but feared travelling home. Phil interrupted my afternoon writing by melodramatically declaring a sink blockage. Fizzing the crud of limited effect, a plunger worked marvellously. Still boiling after a cold shower, resting was impossible but it was comfortable enough to sit out by 7. I asked The Widower how he was faring. Okay so far, he dreaded grandchild’s grad ceremony in Manchester the next day.

ONS data showed when 9.4% inflation was taken into account, pay fell the fastest March-May since records began. Wages grew in the public sector by only 1.5% as opposed to 7.2% in the private sector. Public sector pay offers between 4 and 5%, and no extra cash for the NHS, doctors, dentists and cops would get the most. The labour motion rejected as it would’ve forced tories to state they had confidence in Boris to avoid a general election, the government won another, strangely brought by themselves. Boris accused Keir and ‘the deep state’ of plotting to reverse Brexit. What conspiracy site had he been on? Keir said the delusion was never-ending. On the 10^th day of temperatures above 40⁰C, forest fires surrounded a train in Zamora, Spain. The UK heatwave brought record highs to Wales, slower trains on buckled rails, car breakdowns, power cuts, grounded RAF jets at Brize Norton and planes at Luton due to a ‘heat incident’ (aka melting tarmac). The ‘common sense’ brigade on Jeremy Vine joined by Charlie Mullet from his Spanish villa, guffawed at TUC advice to work from home. Notts cop chief Caroline Henry was banned from driving. Vlod sacked 60 alleged spies from the Ukrainian security service and SBU.

25.9⁰C overnight on Emley Moor, Tuesday started hot. Glare making computer work hard, I climbed step ladders to tape a space blanket over the window. Ineffective, Phil’s reflector worked better. A sirocco-type wind hit me as I opened the door; so scorching I needed a hat to put washing out! It was bone-dry by early afternoon. Phil stood in the full-on heat then sat on the bench and played plinky holiday music on his phone while I squatted on the doorstep enjoying a breeze on my neck until sweating, I retreated indoors. Phil declared even the shade too hot and pinned up the crops for me to make shorts. As the sun disappeared, the temperature dropped a few degrees but still warm and oppressive, southern showers freakily evaporated before reaching the ground.

Unsurprisingly, records were smashed all over. 37⁰C here, Bramham recorded 40⁰C, Coningsby, Lincs. 40.3 and Aysgarth Falls ran dry. Wildfires sparked major incidents in Sheffield and London where the fire service had their busiest day since WW2 and combusted horse poo in a compost heap engulfed houses in Wennington. Felled overhead powerlines at Peterborough halted East Coast mainline trains. Shats admitted the network couldn’t cope. Temperatures in Spain down to 39⁰C, they reached 41 in France. Tughat was knocked out of the leadership race in the third round of voting and Babadook in the fourth. At his last cabinet meeting, Boris got a leaving gift of Winston Churchill war books and declared himself great. Keir called him a ‘bullshitter’.

Having coped with the mega heatwave, hot flushes and sweats woke me at 5 a.m. Wednesday. It took a while to shake off wooziness. Contrary to predictions, Boris turned up for the last PMQs before summer jollies. Confidence in politicians at an all-time low, Kim Leadbeater wanted to know what advice he’d give to his successor? Boris replied he’d use the next few weeks to drive forward the agenda of uniting and levelling up and that was why they’d win again. Staying on to party and holiday more like! Keir followed up with another question of trust to which Boris waved his arms like a loon and called labour pointless plastic bollards round roadworks, with no plans of their own while the tories were outlawing wildcat strikes. Eh? They were already illegal! After falsely bragging of the ‘fastest economic growth in the G7’, his parting words were ‘hasta la vista, baby’. Heaven forfend!

Extreme heat over but still warm, we went out for fresh air, unintentionally retraced the Crossings Workshop walk and caught a glimpse of the misfit mallard (See Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

A women’s health strategy intended to address a range of issues with no money. Shats advised Doncaster council took over Robin Hood airport from Peel Group like in Teesside. As EDF got the go-ahead to build Sizewell C, five Just Stop Oil protestors who climbed gantries on the M25 were arrested. Mordor dropped, 160,000 tory members would choose between Rishi and Trussed-Up Liz. 36% aged 50-64 and 39% over 65, a tribe of ageing gammons would decide our next PM. Trussed-Up said she’d ‘hit the ground’. If only!

Fine drizzle late evening made for a fresher start Thursday. Leaden skies presaged fine afternoon sprinkles. By 5 p.m., it was as dark as winter. I drafted blogs and headed to the co-op, spotting an old pub mate for the 3^rd time in 2 weeks and scored the free trolley. Fridge failures during the heatwave meant literally not a sausage in the reduced meat section. I weaved past geese pecking at the odd green shoot amid still-dry moss between cobbles on the street below. I could only discern the youngers by dark patches on burgeoning wings and a squeak rather than a squawk. Walking Friend came round as arranged. We perused the old maps we’d found on a street corner, discussed the heatwave and Phil offered to look at her maintenance issues next week. She proposed drinks at the community pub afterwards. When she spotted our wall clock still showed GMT, Phil decided to alter it. She took her leave and I apologised for being boring. “You’re not boring.” “Yes we are. Doing domestics!” Rest impossible with beeping machinery, revving engines and screeching kids, exhaustion, tummy ache and hot flushes made me thoroughly miserable by bedtime, leading to fitful sleep and hazy dreams.

Baroness Harlot promised lessons would be learnt to inform future pandemics, in a ‘fair and robust’ covid inquiry. Witnesses compelled to submit evidence from September, public hearings would start next spring. Did she want satirical qualitative data? Testing positive for covid, Uncle Joe was doing ‘well’ isolated in the White House and taking anti-viral Paxlovid. State borrowing at an all-time high and consumer Tory leadership contenders focused on the economy. Rishi concentrated on balancing the books but Trussed-Up promised a different path, saying he and previous chancellors didn’t deliver growth, even though she’d previously endorsed their policies. Examining her pledges against a backdrop of inflation, low growth and high taxes, IFS found reversing the NI rise, cancelling the planned corporation tax rise and a moratorium on the green energy levy would cost a total of £34bn; (£4bn above current budget targets). A report by chief inspector of borders and immigration David Neel, said the home office response to the surge in channel crossings was poor, 200 absconded within 4 months of arrival and vulnerable migrants were left at risk in processing centres. As the government published its critical minerals strategy and gave Pensana £850m from the automotive transformation fund, Kwasi Modo visited the Salt End rare earth plant in Hull. Netflix lost 970,000 subscribers April-June. Subs up, maybe they shouldn’t have made their most expensive film ever, The Grey Man, wherein Ryan Gosling globe-trots and wrecks Prague.

Pride Comes Before A Fall

After cold showers all week, we luxuriated in baths Friday. I blogged while Phil spent an age getting through to Vodaphone. It was worth the wait to get unlimited texts, calls and data, for less money. Head fug setting in, I abandoned writing for a spot of housework. Chilly and darkly grey, fine rain made the crows soggy and us chilly by early evening.

As it was revealed he paid himself via tax haven assets from his hedge fund, Rishi faced more questions over his finances. Meanwhile, Trussed-Up said being a Lib Dem and supporting remain was a mistake and leaving the EU had been a huge success. The start of the summer holidays, BA staff offered an 8% rise called off industrial action, an accident on the M20 led to 14-hour queues and The Port of Dover declared a ‘critical incident’. The French blamed for ‘woefully inadequately resourcing’ 100% checks leading to 4-hour waits to clear customs, they in turn blamed a glitch in the Eurotunnel. Authorities there said it had nowt to do with it. The benefits of Brexit, eh, Liz? An ‘emotional’ Antonio Guterres brokered a deal between Russia and Ukraine to alleviate the grain crisis. Hours later, Russian missiles hit Odesa. Ukraine vowed to get the grain out regardless. Gazprom re-started Nord Stream 2 gas deliveries, at 30% of previous levels.

Saturday morning, I wasn’t sure if vertigo was from moderate drinking, a manifestation of fatigue or illness. Both flaky, we stayed home watching Midsomer Murders as there was nowt else on telly. I took recycling out and shared health issues with Decorating Neighbour who sympathised with me. Better himself, he was back working which was good. I worked on the new shorts until my fingers became sore from sewing. After dinner, Phil ran to the shop for tonic, only finding lemonade to go with gin.

A rise of 7% rather than 30%, marked the start of a dip in the latest covid wave. On BBC Breakfast, Doctors Bauld and Smith told us 1/3 were reinfections. According to the WHO, subvariants BA.4 and 5 had been rising since June. Figures released later exposed 810 covid deaths the last week of July, the smallest increase since June. An Antipodean flu epidemic was unsurprising after their extended lockdowns.

Fine rain interspersed with sun Sunday, I searched for rainbows. Seeing none, I got knobbly veg and joked with a fellow punter my cabbage would be a good Midsomer Murder weapon: “You could eat the evidence! I watch far too much of them.” “I’m not judging!” chuckled the young server. Stopping to redistribute heavy bags on the way home, I risked being run over when an onion rolled behind a reversing car and saw a ‘we are open’ sign at the erstwhile grocers. Sure I heard voices, Phil went out early evening to be offered a sausage roll by crusty vegans. Opinions divided on the local Facebook page, some said the squat was earmarked as a café bar or ice cream parlour, and others that disturbed asbestos made it unsafe.

Queuing to enter the Eurotunnel, 600 lorries waited for up to 15 hours. A fire on Lenham Heath was visible from the M20. Bill Alexander bravely ploughed a firebreak in a fellow farmer’s spring barley crop to stop the flames getting any further. Trussed-Up and Rishi Rich (in Grantham) said the Rwanda ploy was a good idea. Both seeking to emulate Thatcher, albeit from different eras, Keir laughed at ‘Thatcherite Cosplay’.

Still wobbly Monday, I posted a haiga and blocked a heap of American military trolls stacked up in Facebook ‘friend requests’. Taking rubbish out, the trellis had collapsed again and fell to bits when I picked it up. I yelled for Phil to do a quick bodge. Carrying the lunch tray, I tripped and fell forward on the kitchen steps. Screaming, I managed to keep hold and avoid breakage. Phil asked if it was a flip-flop related incident. “It’s a first if it is.” Fuming he hadn’t asked if I was hurt, I said I hated Mondays. “Why?” “They’re shit! There’s always loads to do and then even more on top of that!” ”I don’t like them either.” “So why are you asking?” “Trying to be helpful.” “Well, its’ not!” I wiped a splotch off my jeans and rolled the leg up. Expecting a bruised knee, I found an angry graze which bled when cleaned it.

A health & social care committee workforce report said with over 99,000 vacancies in the NHS and 105,000 in social care, the government failed to plan or take decisive action. A rise in childhood hepatitis in 35 countries was linked to covid lockdowns as kids hadn’t built up immunity to 2 common viruses. OBR calculated Brexit cost the economy £50 billion so far. Still in denial, Brexiteers on Jeremy Vine claimed we already had to get passport stamps when we were in the EU. Not for France we didn’t! The C**t said it was revenge for mucking up plans of a united Europe. As Tory gammons called for Boris to be put on the ballot paper, the BBC staged a head-to-head debate in red wall Stoke. Rishi criticised Trussed-Up’s idea to delay tax rises by not paying off covid debts for 3 years, as it’d lose them the next election. Keir seemed to agree, calling Trussed-Up the latest graduate from the school of ‘magic money tree economics’ and pledged a new Industrial Strategy Council to bring economic growth, proving he was just as much a global capitalist as the rest of the wankers. Confusion over whether this meant they’d ditch nationalisation, shadow ministers Rachel Reeves and Sam Tarry waded in. Keir later confirmed rail would become public as contracts ran out, but not utilities, as that meant paying compensation, according to We Own It. If you thought it was bad the Blackpool illumination red Indian display was only just junked, an arcade game allowed players to sit on a horse and shoot them. Calling it a ‘legacy piece’, it was removed from Weston’s Grand Pier after Emily Crossing complained. Eurovision 2023 would be staged in the UK. Quite right, seeing as we should’ve won!

Feeling thoroughly crap and tearful Tuesday, Phil commiserated and agreed HRT might be a good idea. Menopause symptoms compounded by money worries, it was hard to concentrate and after snapping at him over a daft niggle, I admitted the anger was really about the dire financial situation. After some harsh words, we managed to calm down to share thoughts and feelings, discuss options, laugh and hug. Seeing a payment from BG on a bank statement, I checked the energy account to find the small amount was for leccy and DD was slightly reduced, but gas payments were set to treble! I called and spoke to a barely intelligible man, eventually getting it down to double. The GP surgery only taking emergency calls in the morning, I rang after lunch and was offered an appointment next week 4 miles away. I didn’t even know the place! An ‘embargo’ on local appointments, I asked what did I need to do to get one? Phone at 8 and ‘pretend’ it’s urgent! Thinking intense night-time itching was an insect bite, the discomfort extended to other areas which felt hot even though I couldn’t see anything.

The driest summer since 1976 and the driest July since 1836 in the South East, the National Drought Group met urgently and asked customers to use less water to avoid restrictions. Another head-to-head leaders’ debate on Talk TV was halted when host Kate McCann feinted; or fell into a coma at the sheer inanity of Truss and Rishi! He later hinted at a U-turn on energy VAT. IMF growth forecasts were downgraded to 2.9% globally, 1.2% for the Eurozone, 1% in the USA and .5% in the UK because of gas prices and ‘lack of investment in skills and infrastructure’. Only Russia worse, so much for Boris’ hubris! As Italy planned to spend an extra £12bn shielding consumers from energy costs, the EU rationed gas.

Hearing a moth waking early Wednesday, I saw no sign of it. Itchiness persisting, Phil said that was why he never lied about medical urgency in case it came true! I fetched brekkie and rang the GPs. 19^th in the queue, I eventually spoke to a receptionist. About to book me the last slot at the local surgery, he exclaimed: “Oh, it’s just gone!” and arranged an advice call. The duty doctor agreed the symptoms may be menopausal but advised blood tests to rule out anything else before considering HRT. Which of course meant ringing back after 2. Being told to use antihistamines and cream, I took a pill, applied E45 (of limited help) and caught up on housework. I helped Phil design a flier for his artist’s services. “I enjoyed that,” I said. “What?” “Working together on something. Far more constructive than arguing.” “True.” Walking Friend not replying to a text, I called her to hear strange noises. About to go up regardless, my mobile rang but there was nothing at the other end. She then phoned from her landline. Informed she’d have no internet all day, that evidently meant no service at all. At her house, me and her chatted while Phil sorted maintenance issues. She asked if we wanted to go for beer. Too weary for the pub, instead, we drank freshly-ground espresso and arranged tea at ours followed by a pint Sunday. Bedtime reading was disturbed by noisy drunkards and a large moth fluttering on the lamp. The pesky blighter must’ve been there all day!

Spending not tracked and only 2% of international arrivals quarantined having covid, The PAC found it was impossible to know if the traffic lights system was worth £486m of taxpayers’ money. They also reported that £777m covid testing contracts awarded to Randox didn’t follow basic procedures and officials did nothing to address potential conflicts of interest even though they knew Owen Pattycake had direct contact with The Cock. Randox called their conclusions ‘deeply flawed and wrong’. Joining RMT pickets in the latest rail strikes, shadow transport minister Sam Tarry was sacked. Keir claimed it was over unauthorised media appearances. Owen Jones spluttered he’d had enough of Waitrose Boy Keir and John McDonnell said it was time for co-ordinated action (aka a national strike). People incensed at Maccy D price rises, I thought they were far too cheap anyway and we had bigger things to worry about, such as the practice of deducting money from UC payments to pay off debts which the Joseph Rowntree Foundation wanted scrapped.

Knackered and sweaty from cleaning the bedroom Thursday, I was forced to go to the co-op to replenish basics, where the usual foray proved even more stressful and time-consuming as they’d shifted stock and hid gaps with beer and cola – let them drink boke! The freezer deal costing more than expected, on the way out, I realised it was now 6 items for a fiver. Only 5 in the cabinet, I returned to the till and was told with carte d’or sold out, I was meant to have 2 Vienetta. “I’ll take it!” A palaver ensued of scanning for a refund, then again with the 6 items. Having seen the window cleaners’ van, I thought ours weren’t due but on slogging home, the house front was dripping. Phil said they insisted it was our turn. I raged at the inconvenience and he said I was hangry.

We ate a hasty lunch, then Walking Friend rang to say she had a problem Sunday. “Oh. I’ve just bought the stuff.” “I can still come for tea, but not the pub.” {What a shame – not!} “Come eat Vienetta!” After lodging a complaint to the co-op about shifting stock and amending it for a ‘Tales’ blogⁱⁱⁱ, I railed at lack of productiveness and looked for a late summer holiday let, eventually finding a bargain. Paying a low deposit, they cheekily took the balance the next day. Trying to rest, it dawned on me the window cleaners were right. Aware it was daft, I couldn’t stop fretting and sent them a straight-forward apology via Facebook. Their reply shirty, I reiterated it was a genuine mistake on our part and added a smiley face. Very itchy at bedtime, I researched DIY treatments and tried intensive hand cream containing glycerine which worked immediately. I later discovered sensitive bodywash helped too.

2 separate scientific studies found ‘compelling evidence’ 2 coronavirus variants originated at the Wuhan fish market late 2019. With 4 asymptomatic cases, Jiangxi district re-entered lockdown. Announcing £5.1bn quarterly revenue on the eve of a 2-day strike, CWU accused BT of ‘gaslighting’. Of 74,230 households homeless or at risk, 10,560 worked fulltime. Shelter’s Polly Neate said record-high rents and crippling bills sent people working every hour, ‘over the edge’. She called on the new PM to ‘get a grip,’ unfreeze housing benefit and build decent social homes with rents pegged to local incomes, to end homelessness for good. Maybe they could live in the Saudi Line – the vertical city to house 9 million resembled a dystopian sci-fi.

Sleep disrupted by anxiety and discomfort, I was on the verge of tears Friday. Sure the itchiness was menopausal, Phil said I should’ve had HRT years ago. “Look who’s talking, Captain Hindsight!“ I added graphics to Phil’s flier and printed a draft. Puzzled by sizing issues, we gave up and went to town, finding cough drops had gone up again, as had sweet bags. Sweet Shop Man explained the bags were bigger to fit labels on, for which the printer cost a staggering 3 grand. Phil loitered while I stood in a slow Boots queue. 2 crusties (perhaps from the squat) mocked middle-class vegans (look who’s talking!) The cashier served 1 customer and handed over change at snail’s pace. I abandoned my items and stormed out. “Surprised you lasted that long!” Laughed Phil. Sitting riverside, we discussed posters on the old grocers inciting the squatting of Air BnB’s. Town awash with 200, was it practical? Were they businesses or residential? Back home, we solved the flier misprint by converting the file format. Flitting between laptop and printer, the pocket of my combats ripped when it caught on the sofa arm. Just as I’d finished a pile of stitching!

ONS estimated 1:20 people had coronavirus in the week up to 20 July, compared to 1:17 the week before. Hospital admissions decreased from 18.2 per 100,000 to 16.3. Centrica profits 1.3bn, Shell £11.5bn and BP £6.9bn, details of fuel bill rebates revealed we’d get £66 off direct debits October and November, then £67 until March. Martin Lewis said the zombie government should do more and the rich bragged about the size of their bills. AQA began strike action, potentially affecting the release of exam results.

Saturday greyly mizzly, we predicted soggy dressing up at Pride Party in the Park. Otherwise, we’d have gone to see the Kate Bush tribute. Instead, I cleared piles of clutter in the kitchen and stitched the combats.

Sleep interrupted by raucous drunks at 3 a.m. Sunday, I stuck earplugs in, rose flushed and crampy, fetched tea and noted chilli plants on the kitchen windowsill needed thinning out. Looking for space to put them, I saw paper peeling from the living room ceiling and chunks of plaster on the sofa. I yelled up to Phil who cleared the plaster lumps, googled DIY fixes, ruminated over supplies and made the ceiling safe until he could get to a trad hardware shop in the next village . I moved furniture so we could sit on the sofa, washed and air-dried a stinky throw and picked crocosmia for a kitchen vase before a trip to the co-op. The normal scant affair, I searched for wines to use a member discount. Seeing none, I got cheap plonk. I swept up dust, showered and changed and reinstalled the throw, enjoying the late sun’s warmth before a lovely evening with Walking Friend during which we ate, drank and exhausted our 1970’s CD music collection.

Resignation honours a list of donors, JCB tory donor Lord Bamford hosted a belated wedding party for Boris and Carrie. Steve Bray stood outside Daylesford House with a banner reading: ‘corrupt tory government’. Dreadful Doris was lambasted for re-tweeting a pic of Rishi stabbing Boris in the back.

It was revealed the Prince of Wales charitable trust accepted donations from the Bin Laden family, leading to more questions. Giving no details of how they’d violated conditions of purchase, Gazprom suspended Latvia’s gas supply. England beat Germany 2-1 in the Women’s Euro Final. Winland academy advertised jobs on LinkedIn to write applications for Chinese students. A shame they were caught; I could do that!

Thanks for reading Corvus Diaries. Updates will follow later in the year.

Hasta La Vista!

*The Liquidator, Harry J Allstars

**Frequent Radio Burst

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. Tales From The Co-op Notes on life, the universe and stuff that sucks: Tales from the Co-op Vol 5 (maryc1000.blogspot.com)

Part 78 – Disturbia

“This was a staggeringly poor show from a Foreign Secretary who is completely out of his depth. Unprepared for hard questions. Unwilling to admit mistakes. Unable to answer basic questions…Nobody could watch todays’ session and conclude we have a government capable of rising to the challenge” (Lisa Nandy)

Piling In

Very tired Monday morning, I exercised my ankle and fetched tea. After breakfast, I posted blogs and noticed a bare bit on the cutlery caddy. Requiring only a dab, I used the loaded brush to paint a tarnished dimmer switch in the living room. Phil selected a few photos for his café exhibition and made lunch. I worked on the journal, got head fug, watched telly films and tried not to feel miserable. What was to do on a cold, bleak bank holiday if walking wasn’t an option and the pubs were full to bursting?

The TUC called for 4 extra bank holidays to reward hard workers and bring the UK in line with other countries. Entrepreneurs weren’t keen. The mayor of Milan said a fire in a cladded tower block resembled the Grenfell incident. Fortunately, there were no causalities. US military flights in their final hours, Chris Donahue was the last to leave Afghanistan before the evacuation ended just before midnight. The Taliban celebrated with mindless gunfire and rifled through a pile of abandoned hardware. The Americans argued the Black Hawks and other useful kit weren’t lethal. The UN security council passed resolutions on ensuring safe passage for Afghans holding the right documents and ensuring the country didn’t become a base for terrorism. China and Russia abstained from voting.

Tuesday, Phil went to Leeds for more prints for his exhibition. I wrote and tackled a pile of niggly chores involving lots of stair-climbing. In the midst of sorting kitchen rubbish, there was a loud knock at the door. Bad-temperedly climbing the steps for the umpteenth time, I answered to the window cleaner, cheery as ever. I made an effort to smile back and expressed concern that I’d been too busy to shut the windows. He assured me it was fine. In the co-op, there were gaps on shelves, but a pile of cream cakes in the reduced section. I waited impatiently as two women fingered everything so I could grab strawberry tarts. Exhausted, I collapsed on the sofa, rested my ankle and went to lie down. It was so noisy outside I only managed 5 minutes with my eyes shut. Annoyed, I cheered up with coffee and cream tart. In the evening, I finished sewing the jeans patch and watched telly. After missing a train, Phil arrived home knackered and didn’t want any dinner. I made him eat it before the tasty treat.

Covid cases were reportedly higher in parts of the UK previously not badly hit such as South West England and Scotland. As many missed second jabs, the NHS prepared to administer boosters to the over 80’s and vulnerable. Prof Paul Hunter said they weren’t needed for everyone and the disease would be consigned to history within 3 years, when ‘epidemic equilibrium’ was reached (a steady number of cases each day). Before the deadline on 4^th September, Geronimo was seized, taken away and put down by DEFRA. The alpaca’s owner complained her pleas for dialogue were ignored due to staff holidays. Taliban leaders reiterated a pledge of amnesty, piled into Kabul airport and promised to re-open it soon. Zabiullah Mujahid said their tech team would check for repairs and elicit help from Qatar or Turkey if required. Foot soldiers draped coffins in US, British and French flags.

Dodgy Intel

September started grey but became brighter. It took a shockingly long time to be ready to face Wednesday. I hoovered the living room, worked on the journal and arranged lunch with Walking Friend the next day. Turning to life admin, I again failed to log onto the BG website and checked holiday cottage details. Unable to see answers to my queries in FAQs, and getting an auto-response to my e-mail (promising to reply within 28 days), I rang. Expecting a long wait, the call was picked up straight away; by the sales team. On redirecting me to customer care, the call dropped. I re-dialled and eventually spoke to a woman who provided contact details for the cottage owner and rang him for me. I booked train tickets. Arriving by post Thursday, I was glad I didn’t pay an extra £6 for guaranteed next-day delivery! Phil installed his art in the café after business hours and returned in time for dinner of roast veg pasta, making use of the mini courgettes we picked Saturday.

Weekly covid deaths of 571 were 4 times higher than the same week in 2020 when some restrictions were in place, but levelling off. Excess deaths from all causes were more than normal for the 7^th successive week. Pub chain Wetherspoons’ beer shortage was due to HGV and staffing issues and industrial action according to Tim Brexit Martin. Of course, it wouldn’t be Brexit! Amazon announced new jobs at their London and Manchester offices and tech hubs in Cambridge and Edinburgh. Victoria would stay in lockdown until 70% of the population were vaccinated and a curfew was imposed in New Orleans to stop post-storm looting. The Taliban paraded in victory atop American hardware. Meetings with the former PM and other leaders were a courtesy, not moves towards power-sharing. ‘Senior leader’ Mohamed Abbas said Afghan women could continue working but not in top jobs after telling negotiators they could for the past 2 years, and insisted people possessing the right documents could still leave. But as the banks were shut, they were stuck in Afghanistan with no cash. Sir Simon Gass went to Doha to negotiate safe passage.

MPs on the foreign affairs committee asked a grey-haired Rabid Raab what date he actually went on his hols. He refused to answer 11 times. Meanwhile, the MOD had cancelled all leave and his own staff warned of a quick Taliban advance. He maintained there was no warning and blamed dodgy military intel. Uncle Joe similarly said he trusted the 300,00 strong (sic) Afghan army to hold firm. Nandy spluttered it ‘defied belief’ that Raab turned up “completely unprepared without a shred of humility.” After the grilling, Raab was off to the region but didn’t say where for security reasons. Plans to get people at risk out via third countries included Pakistan, which already had 3 million Afghan refugees. Ben Wally called it ‘Dunkirk by WhatsApp’. Thicky Atkins responsible for the resettlement of 10,000 refugees currently in quarantine hotels, promised them all permanent residence. So far, only a third of councils offered to help, even though £5 million was up for grabs. Newsnight referenced a leaked document backing claims that the fall of Kabul took the government by surprise but suggested a lack of preparation.

Disturbed by loud work on the canal early Thursday, I awoke narky and distracted and didn’t notice Phil’s floral banana creation on the cereal. I apologised profusely. I embarked on a series of small tasks until Walking Friend arrived. She had a painful bruised rib from a recent fall. In contrast to my non-medical approach to injury, she turned to serious analgesics. We viewed Phil’s café expo. “I prefer his other stuff,” she said, which made Phil laugh when I told him later.

At the tearooms, we ordered different versions of brekkie and caught up on news. She was also going on a jolly soon – with her walking companion to his sister’s home in the historic and delightfully-named Blewbury. Noting my hair looked shiny, I said several people had complemented my hair and youthful appearance recently but was sceptical I could pass for 50. It must be the Q10. We split up briefly for errands. I bumped into Councillor Friend and congratulated her son on walking to Westminster to hand in the climate petition, told her about Phil’s exhibition and that I’d named her as a contact for the research project. Concerned I’d left Walking Friend in the lurch, I rushed back to the square where she was occupied talking to someone else. We perused charity shops to find a £1 skirt, a cute art deco milk jug and DVDs. My ankle aching by then, I rested on various structures while she nipped in a couple more places. A couple following phone directions asked: “Are you local?” “Well, I live here.” “No then.” “Over 20 years; not sure that qualifies me.” They laughed and asked where the ‘rock shop’ was. I directed them the quickest way for ‘crystals and whatnot’. My friend joined me on the bridge to marvel at huge mushrooms on the riverbank. As we sat on a nearby bench, the sun suddenly became fierce. She groaned and I asked if it was the heat but her painkillers were wearing off. It was time to go home.

The famous local female plumber appeared on local news again that evening, along with fellow tradeswoman Cathy Cockin (yes, really!) to encourage others to enter the trades. Pain in my foot extended to my Achilles tendon. I performed a few stretches, applied balm and loosely bandaged it with a homemade scarf I rarely used as a face-mask. Initially successful, the discomfort returned and I struggled to sleep, then I was disturbed twice by a car alarm. I grumpily went to the bathroom to be blinded by flashing lights on a neighbour’s car through the landing window. The meditation soundtrack helped me settle until I was again woken early by work on the canal.

In a desperate attempt to attract more tourists, travel rules for Portugal relaxed so unvaccinated people with a negative test didn’t need to quarantine. Meanwhile, Australia banned their own citizens from travelling for at least another 3 months. Still no decision on other oldies or 12-15 year olds, JCVI announced boosters for a ½ million of the clinically vulnerable. A Kings College study found 2 jabs halved the risk of long covid. The Oxford Vaccine team led by Sarah Gilbert were awarded ‘hero of the year’ by GQ magazine. The Salesman promised to ‘move heaven and earth’ rather than shut schools if infection rates rose in the new term. After Rabid Raab’s appearance at the foreign affairs committee, an interview with Ben Wally was published wherein he said military intel wasn’t wrong but limited and he’d warned ‘the game was up’ back in July when Herat fell. Raab spoke from Qatar to insist they’d agreed up until now. Labour criticised them fighting over their jobs while abandoned Afghans fought for their lives. Raab went onto say they had to engage with the Taliban to get people out but not recognise them as a legitimate government. He wanted the international community to exert a ‘moderating influence’. What was he on? On a luxury holiday with girlfriend Gina Colander, The Cock announced he was running the London Marathon, attracting much abuse on his JustGiving page. Storm Ida hit New York.

Roused by the noise disturbance, I felt exhausted Friday morning. To make up for the faux pas yesterday, I praised Phil’s breakfast apple art profusely, then joked maybe I should have said ‘I preferred your earlier stuff.’ It required a big effort to get on with chores and errands. The co-op was busy but well-stocked and Phil caught me up at the till to help pack and carry. After lunch, I ironed a pile of clothes before lying down. Going to get coffee, I realised I’d left my specs upstairs, went back up, then realised I’d forgotten milk and went back to the kitchen. Legs aching, I slumped on the couch and replied to a message from The Researcher, saying I’d try to write a contribution for her blog next month and confirming it was okay to contact Councillor Friend.

ONS stats showed high covid rates across the UK, highest in Northern Ireland at 1:65 ( but down from 1:40) The most ever in Scotland at 1:75 2 weeks after schools went back, experts predicted it ‘highly likely’ England would follow suit by the end of September. JCVI extended the offer of vaccines to 200,000 12-15 year olds with underlying conditions. Anti-vaxxers gave out leaflets about vaccinating children and tried to gain entry to MHRA in Cabot Square before getting the tube to protest in central London where four cops were injured. Job vacancies at a new high, care homes were badly hit. Covid, Brexit, immigration and tax rules were blamed. £1,000 ‘golden handshakes’ from Amazon were criticised for tempting bin men away from essential services.

Stuck in a Loop

Saturday also grey and cool, I stayed in and posted ‘Puns in the Sun’ on Cool Placesⁱ. Phil braved the shop, disposed of recycling and pressed me on birthday ideas. I’d looked on regional websites but awful to navigate, got stuck in a loop. Finally finding a list of heritage events, I discovered they lied saying they started 8^th September; there was nowt on until the weekend. I abandoned the search and we came up with a couple of alternative options, depending on weather.

Sunday morning, I was disturbed by a domestic in the flats below. Still tired, I gave up trying to sleep at 9. The laptop inoperable, I had to crash it – Stupid Microsoft! I left it to enjoy the warm sun. Realising my ankle hadn’t hurt for two days, I bravely agreed to tackle The Buttress. At the top, we picked a few blackberries and crossed for another climb up winding stone steps, having to move twice from the same spot as a man then a woman descended. He could have said they were a couple! Side-stepping two more walking groups, I remarked it was like Piccadilly Circus. We continued into the next village, blackberrying en route, admired valley views from the playing fields and proceeded to the churchyard to check out the ruin and famous graves, rather mystified by the offerings of coins, precious stones and trinkets. Resting on a bench beneath a shady yew tree, I elevated my tired ankle on the arm. We went home via woodland, stopping for more blackberrying and fungi-spotting. Never previously spotting fly agaric in these parts, the iconic toadstools prompted a haigaⁱⁱ. Feeling tired, hungry and short-tempered on reaching the front door, Phil continued to the shop while I fetched and carried stuff up and down stairs. He got back just as I’d brought the coffee tray up. “Typical!” I remarked. “Yep. I do it on purpose.” “I knew it!” “Actually, I couldn’t rush because of backache.” “That’s all the bending over picking berries. I couldn’t rush because I’m knackered and my ankle’s throbbing.” He made up by helping with dinner which included foraged berry crumble. Unable to settle that night, I looked out the window to find the sky oddly bright with white clouds but no stars. The meditation soundtrack helped quieten my mind and eventually I got some broken sleep.

Gen sir Nick Carter appeared on The Marr in a normal army shirt. Shown an earlier clip of him saying the government had a good grip on Afghanistan, he ducked arguments that he should have seen the Taliban takeover coming and wittered about factions. Nads Zahawi blathered about the rise in National Insurance to pay for social care. A backlash to the proposal involved MPs on all sides and ex-chancellor Spreadsheet Phil who said young workers would end up paying for oldies. Three kids were taken to hospital in Bradford after eating sweets from stony worm packs. Phil discovered you could buy the American packs, fill them with anything and sell them in shops. What a loopy idea!

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 46 – Quadruple Whammy

“It’s a quadruple whammy. The whole Brexit deal screams of desperation. Johnson is a populist who does not care about the ramifications of what he does, he just wanted a deal – any deal – so he could stay popular. Business is the sacrificial lamb!” (Simon Spurrell, Cheshire Cheese Co.)

Battered But Unscathed

After a terrible night, not only did I still have the lurgy Monday morning, but I felt like I’d been battered round the head. I made a big effort to get washed and in what proved to be the pattern for the rest of the week, went back to bed while Phil took on chores and errands. I watched telly, posted blogs and worked on the journal. On Jeremy Vine, Sociopath Beverley Swivel-head refused to acknowledge reduced stats on coronavirus cases and death rates during lockdown was evidence it worked and advised us to look at ‘the fourth industrial revolution’ for proof it was all part of an evil plan. Get your tinfoil hat on, love!

High value business, performing arts, journos, TV & film people, admen and lottery staff no longer exempt from travel restrictions, but air crew, hauliers, offshore workers and elite sportspeople were. Almost 4 million now immunised, speculation mounted that the over 50’s and medically vulnerable might be done by spring, followed by teachers, coppers and shop workers. New vax centres included Blackburn cathedral and Askham Bar in York. Labour tabled a non-binding ‘early day’ motion to maintain the £20 a week top-up for UC. 6 tory backbenchers revolted against Boris’ instruction to abstain so it passed. In the face of a possible fight between Rishi Rich and Therese Coffee-cup, ministers considered a bewildering 14 options.

That evening, I used the new 3-4-5 breathing technique to gently drift into a much better sleep.

Storm Christoph prompted an amber warning with the Ouse already flooded in York and up to 200 mm of rain predicted in the Peak District and South Pennines midweek. As the deluge set in Tuesday morning, I woke to a noisy siren – a panda car not a flood warning; though one sounded upriver later and the area was on high alert for the next 2 days. Still abed, I worked on the journal until my eyes went funny, perused the internet for birthday gifts but found none, and placed a Boots order before putting the laptop down and trying to relax. At bedtime, Phil said “I hope the flood sirens don’t wake me up.” Feigning shock, I gawped at him: “Never mind people’s homes being flooded and their stuff washed away. As long as it doesn’t wake you!” “Yep!” Luckily, the rain eased off allowing for a restful night.

The WHO called the inequitable distribution of vaccines between rich and poor countries a ‘serious risk’. The UK had enough lined up to inoculate the population two or three times over (albeit with import issues) which the government said was because they’d funded COVAG. Dildo appeared at the Commons Public Accounts Committee to insist paying consultants £1k a day was great value. Cock had to self-isolate after being pinged and was working from his bog until Sunday. Deputy Med Chief Jenny Simpleton suggested phased school opening after half-term. Using the typical thick person trick of trying to sound clever, she waffled about ‘differential application’ (i.e., a regional approach), making her seem incapable of speaking in plain English. How did she get that job? In a leaked private call to tories, Nasty Patel said she’d argued with Boris last March that UK borders should be shut but insisted she supported the PM’s decision to stop quarantine that month. Shadow minister Nick Thomas-Symonds declared it a ‘shocking admission’. HSBC announced the closure of 82 bank branches between April and September – nowt to do with Brexit, or the plague, apparently…

Wednesday, there was little change in the weather or my condition, both dismal. Trying to clean round the dusty bedroom, I lacked the energy and went back to bed to work on the journal. My debilitation prompted bouts of angst, despair and anger to come to the surface but I tried to keep occupied. A boring PMQs left Desmond Swayne comatose on the front bench. Keir quizzed The Bumbler on missing police records, overriding Patel on closing borders last March, and the slowness of shutting them now, getting the standard non-answers. Zoom issues left remote MPs hanging and Ian Blackford unable to ask his second question.

Cobra met to discuss Storm Christoph and declared adequate preparedness. The Mersey burst its banks, flooding areas of Cheshire and South Manchester where 2,000 residents of Didsbury were told to evacuate. Astra-Zeneca’s Wockhardt factory in Wrexham was mercifully left unscathed only to undergo threats of a different kind a week later. Here, big lumps of snow fell early evening, soon turning back to rain. The water peak predicted at midnight, we again heard no sirens as it only reached road level. At least it made the traffic quieter! Finally getting out of the house at the weekend, I saw evidence in the form of debris on side streets and ravaged ‘duck islands’.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Phil found a Brexit story in ‘West Country Bylines’, prompting me to post on Brexit Island: ‘Blessed be the cheesemakers. Prospering mightily!’ Describing the palaver of trying to export to the EU, Simon Spurrell of The Cheshire Cheese Co. rallied: “we managed to get a shipment through to Europe which took 6 days instead of 1. Rejected because it’s no longer fresh. We’ve paid the carriage to send it out and we have to pay to ship it back. We have to bin the cheese. We have to refund the customer. We also lose the customer. It’s a quadruple whammy…”^IThe government really was shafting small businesses. With a lack of support on Brexit or coronavirus, it further strengthened the belief that they wanted everyone to work for their tory chums’ conglomerates. The Opportunistic conspiracy of capitalists knew no bounds!

Meanwhile, Roger Daltrey appeared to change his mind on Brexit due to the deal not including musicians in visa-free travel. We won’t get fooled again!

In the US, a historic day saw the oldest president ever, Joe Biden, and the first ever female vice-president, American-Asian Kamala Harris inaugurated. Loser Trump was off to Florida, not Scotland, preceded by a pathetic military salute and sad party. The next day, Biden signed 10 executive orders related to Covid including mask-wearing, increased testing and accelerated vaccinations. Almost 2 years since we flew on one, and the last time we had a foreign holiday, 737’s were cleared for take-off.

A record high of 1,610 deaths the day before was surpassed by 1,820 deaths. Prof. Vallance warned vaccinations weren’t doing enough ‘heavy lifting’ and early studies suggested the SA variant (501Y&-V2) was resistant.

Not stopped completely, the rain eased off Thursday. Still fatigued and wobbly, it took an age to feel up to bathing. I wrote on my novel until the head fug returned, dossed awhile then hoovered the upstairs floors which of course rendered me exhausted.

A rave reported to police in Southend was actually old people queuing for vaccines that hadn’t turned up. Nasty Patel used the old ‘following the science’ adage and announced £800 fines for going to a house party. The R rate now 1.04, Covid cases and deaths fell for a change. Over 5m jabs had been given, to 4.6m people, at a rate of 200 per minute. However, a React study found the prevalence of Coronavirus still high, especially in London, the South East, East, West Midlands, South West and North West. Yorks and Humber was the only region where it dropped. Including mobility for the first time, the research revealed less movement at the end of December and a rise at the start of January, when lockdown #3 began. It was indeed time to stop telling coffee-cuppers and builders they were essential! New strains of the virus were reportedly found in Germany and France.

On QT, Minister for NI Brandon Lewis aka Swiss Toni* repeated the daft ‘’following the science’ line. Facing a Northern Irish audience, he condescendingly dismissed issues of goods getting to the province post-Brexit as minor. Prof. Anand Menon told us it would get worse in April when the ‘grace period’ for supermarkets ended. Did that mean they’d be hit with the same quadruple whammy as SME’s?

Slightly improved Friday, I took washing to the machine before returning to bed and spent the day writing and sketching. Phil went to the co-op for weekend supplies. Eggs in a plastic box rather than the usual cardboard, a sign on the shelf said there was a cardboard shortage. I joked: “I might do post-it notes and stick them on empty shelves, saying ‘nowt to do with Brexit!’” After dinner, we drank wine (not the whole lot for a change), and watched films.

The Sci-fi Songbird imagined the near future with the world in the 4^th year of lockdown, due to the latest variant, Covid-23. The idea muted last March, it was the first film to be made after lockdown #1. At least Michael Bay wasn’t whingeing about not making blockbusters and getting with the zeitgeist! The concept resonated with my recent angst that new strains might mean we were never rid of the plague. Featuring daily temp checks, parcel sanitising cabinets and virus scanners, I recalled reports a few months ago of dogs that could sniff out Covid and robot-cleaners. What happened to those innovations? Would we have them by 2024? Inevitably, I had ‘Covid dreams’ that night, remembering snatches of them the next day.

‘I’ll Be Vaxxed!’

Coronavirus cases in care homes shot up 46% in the last week. Was it because they hadn’t got their booster? A £500 pay-out for everyone pinged by the tit app was muted. Prof. Stephen Reicher said it must form “an essential element of our pandemic response.” But ministers dismissed the idea.

Israeli cases soared despite jabbing 2.8 out of 9m citizens. Authorities extended lockdown to the end of the month -only 10 days away. Was it enough? The ONS revealed a fifth of the UK population were infected last week. Their broader picture included asymptomatic as well as confirmed cases which were falling by 20% a week, the R rate dropping to 0.8-1. The Kent Virus now widespread across the UK, it accounted for 60% of cases. Boris briefed on early studies indicating the variant was 30% more deadly, having thus far said it wasn’t. The Met broke up a wedding party of 400 members of the orthodox Jewish Charedi community. Held in the hall of the Yesodey Hatorah Senior Girls’ School in Stamford Hill, North London, an unnamed external organisation managed all function lettings according to the school, who were: “absolutely horrified…and condemn(ed) it in the strongest possible terms.” Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis (not the leader of the Charedis) called it “shameful.” Incredulously, the school principal, Rabbi Avrahom Pinter died last April from Covid! With Glasto cancelled again, Paul Reed, CE of the association of Indy festivals said smaller ones might still happen. The James Bond film release postponed a third time, Jeremy Vine clamoured: “get it on Netflix!” Arnie was snapped at a vaccine centre and captioned: “come with me if you want to live.” He should have said ‘I’ll be vaxxed!’

What sounded like soft rain Saturday morning, turned out to be giant snow globs. I stuck my hand out the window. When the flakes landed on me, they felt like feathers then instantly melted. Nevertheless, some settled prettily on hills, trees and roofs until it stopped and disappeared sharpish. Phil woke early but fell back to sleep, lulled by the gentle snowfall. After breakfast, I went back to bed. Although improving, I remained achy, fatigued and very cold, even though the sun was visible. I drafted haikus^{I I}and did some sketching until hunger forced me downstairs. I stayed there to cook a slow-roast dinner and watch films.

A freezing night repainted the hills white on Sunday. I rose very late again but managed the rest of the day out of bed. Really needing fresh air, low bread supplies gave us the incentive to brave the cold. Gone 3 by the time we left the house, the sunlight was scant but conditions less arctic than we’d feared. From the old bridge, we looked at the duck islands. Stripped of vegetation, last week’s storm bizarrely left random items of clothing in its wake. Coffee-cuppers back out in force, bins overflowed with disposable cups. In the busy square, we dodged impatient kids to get pies, glanced at the pathetic farmers market, then visited a couple of shops. Finding reduced ‘Lancashire sauce’ in the deli, and dubious that anything so piquant was a traditional condiment, I mused: “Never heard of it and I’m from Lancs. My mum cooking with spices? I ask you!” It had to be bought though. We took the longer way home, paused on the new bridge to watch the river living up to its name as ducks and pigeons lined up on the wall. Phil said they were expecting the inn to be open but I pointed out it was opposite the pet shop which sold bird feed.

Geordie neighbour waited for us to pass on the step. Chatting safely, he told us he’d had a Pfizer shot, because he does funerals, but queried why he was prioritised. He provided interesting insights on burials versus cremations and the noticeable rise in Muslim funerals at the start of the pandemic.

6,353,321 now immunised, Van Dam renewed pleas for them to keep to lockdown rules. 300 illegal ravers were discovered under railway arches in Hackney.

On the Marr, Cock said lifting lockdown was a ‘long, long, way off’. I knew Laura K’s reported prediction of an end on 5^th March was premature and a school return after half-term unlikely. Telling us there were 73 cases of the SA variant in the UK, all related to business travel, we repeated calls to stop all travel – NOW! Lisa Nandy wanted tougher testing, quarantine and checking up. Sir John Bell of Oxford University appeared on Channel 4 news to agree, urging the government to be ‘very tight about transport’. He said delaying the second dose was the right decision, but profound changes in the SA and Brazil strains may make it more difficult to neutralise the virus. If a new vaccine was required, it could be ready by autumn if ‘we get our skates on’, but there would be more variants in future. Remember, ‘Covid used to live up the back end of a pangolin’. Warning of too many eggs in the vax basket, he said other tools such as anti-virals were also needed.

Sturgeon vowed to hold an ‘advisory’ indy ref whether legal or not, if the SNP won the Scottish election in May. Together with increasing Irish rancour over the Brexit mess, Brexit Island would soon shrink! Snow unusually fell in London. In characteristic north/south divide style, outdoor recreation on Primrose Hill was reported as fun japes, unlike the nasty larks in Leeds last week!

Struggling to sleep, I used the new breathing technique but as that proved ineffective, I switched to the trusty meditation tape to drop in and out of a fitful sleep.

*Note – Swiss Toni – a character played by Charlie Higson in The Fast Show and spin-off sit-com in the early 2,000’s

References:

i. West Country Bylines: https://westcountrybylines.co.uk/quadruple-cheese-brexit-whammy/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 45 – Hope Springs Eternal

“Because of lack of moral principle, human life becomes worthless. Moral principle, truthfulness, is a key factor. If we lose that, then there is no future”(Dalia Lama)

One Day of Spring

A wakeful night led to oversleeping. The tedious round of Monday chores and blog-posting done, I dashed to the co-op as a nasty curtain of fine rain careened down the valley. The amount of traffic still noticeable, I wondered who was actually sticking to the rules?

Ministers repeated warnings of tougher measures without saying what. The public urged to keep exercise local, Boris cycled 7 miles to the Olympic park – was that local? Told not to stop and chat on walks or have picnics, The Cock couldn’t say if drinking coffee was allowed. On Newsnight, an ex-health minister pleaded for a cessation of the coffee culture which encouraged longer walks and clustering round cafes. Sage bod Prof. Stephen Reicher suggested halting non-essential building work in residential properties.

Paperwork and butties became big Brexit issues. Bewilderment abounded that not being in the single market resulted in more bureaucracy. Daily Mail gammons were incensed by scenes of Dutch border officers confiscating a trucker’s sandwich, quipping: “Welcome to the Brexit.” It beggared belief that the idiots who voted for it were up in arms at the consequences!

Tuesday, I rose woozy with a scratchy throat, but not feeling ill, I persisted with exercise and housework. The day a dry and bright interlude, we went for a walk, via the bakers for portable sustenance. I stood in a warm patch of sun while Phil queued. Already past lunchtime, I would have eaten on the spot if the square weren’t so busy. A hard climb took us to the beautiful wooded road last visited in autumn, then down a squelchy path to the Working Man’s Club.

Among taped-up picnic tables, 2 rough benches stood several metres apart. A pair of men picnicked on one, we sat to wolf down the comestibles on the other. After discussing options, we crossed the oddly frozen small bridge. With no ice elsewhere, a fellow walker commented on the noticeably icier feeling. On the narrow road, we dodged motorists and runners to peer through fencing at the demolished dye works and eyed fat sheep looking fit to burst. Taking the riverside path for the last stretch, early catkins heralded spring and a twee figurine of a shepherd bizarrely nestled in a tree stump. Nearer town, people buzzed around old worksheds: “it must be essential art, ha, ha!”

We came across our walking friends. “We’re not talking to you, cos it’s illegal” I Joked. “We’ve just had a picnic,” she confessed. “So have we,” I whispered conspiratorially, “well, a pasty.” We had a laugh at the ludicrous rules on being able to buy coffee all over the place but not eat al fresco and being allowed to exercise but not recreate. “So don’t be enjoying your walks from now on!” I asked her how things were at work. “Okay. I’ve got a week off and planned a walk every day but the weather forecast is crap.” “Yeah, arctic conditions are set to return. But we won’t be meeting up will we?” Back home, it felt like we’d had a proper walk which was good, but it didn’t help my night-time sleep. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Places.ⁱ)

Up to November 2020, the UK had 85,000 more excess deaths than the previous 5 year average, the most since WWII. Taking population growth and ‘age-standardised mortality’ into account, the rate remained the highest since 2008. Chris Hopkins told the commons H&SC committee that the virus peak wouldn’t come until February as those currently dying were infected before December. Supermarkets got stricter on mask-wearing while a new treatment for Covid patients, Interferon Beta, was trialled at Hull Royal Infirmary and Joan Bakewell sued the government over the delay in getting her second Pfizer dose. 28 UK regions weren’t receiving mail as posties were off sick or self-isolating while families got food parcels instead of vouchers.

Marcus Rashford joined the complaints and photo shares showing the shocking quality. Unsurprisingly, they were distributed by Chartwells, part of The Compass Group, the largest food conglomerate on the globe. CEO Dom Blakemore was a major Conservative Party donor – more money for rich tory chums!

Foul outdoors as predicted Wednesday, we stayed in. I was hoovering when the very early Ocado driver arrived, saying some deliveries were cancelled because of icy roads. Badly packed in the carriers (annoyingly not taken back again), I could hardly lift some of them and reported a couple of damaged items. As I unpacked, sticky stuff irksomely adhered to my clothes. Phil came down to help and started larking about. I got more annoyed, declared I needed a break, and stormed off. I calmed down with a coffee and we both settled to work in the living room. Phil spotted a heron on the small mill roof. The phone pictures I took through the window were beyond crap. Top wildlife photographer strikes again! During my siesta, I was unable to rest. The pattern repeated that night, I looked out the window. Myriad lights shone from houses across the valley – what were they doing at that time of night? The pitter patter of rain eventually lulled me to sleep.

Although Covid-19 cases fell to 15,000, a new daily record of 1,564 deaths occurred. Temporary mortuaries grew, the latest in Ruislip set to open at the end of the week. Prof. Van Dam fulfilled his promise, immunising old folk at the Nottingham hub and furloughed EasyJet staff were ‘fast-tracked’ to help out. The Sturgeon used the old ‘spirit of the law’ mantra to announce tighter controls in Scotland around drinking outdoors, click ‘n’ collect and working at home. Closing a so-called ’stay at home loophole’, Scots leaving the house for an essential reason couldn’t do anything else while out. Did it mean they couldn’t take a photo on a walk or stop to look at sheep? Another new variant, similar to the Kent Virus but unconnected, was identified in Brazil. Yvette Coop quizzed Boris on current measures to stop it entering the UK. Answer: negative testing. The next day, a travel ban was announced for South America, Panama, Cabo Verde and Portugal, except for hauliers and ex-pats who had to self-isolate for 10 days. At PMQs, Keir reminded everyone: “He (the PM) told us…there was no need for ‘endless lockdowns’ and no need to change the rules about Christmas mixing…since the last PMQs, 17,000 people have died of Covid, 60,000 have been admitted to hospital and there have been over 1m new cases.” On round the clock jabs, The Bumbler promised 24 hour vaccinations as soon as supplies allowed. He admitted the food parcels were terrible. The Salesman said the voucher system would return next week, as would testing for primary school staff while parents were encouraged to test their kids. He had ‘no intention’ of closing nurseries (watch this space!) Ahead of an Ofqual consultation, imminent BTEC written exams were scrapped and externally-set tests for GCSE and A levels to augment teacher assessments, were muted.

Snowflakes and Sociopaths

The rain turned to snow in the early hours of Thursday, falling all day with varying degrees of stickiness. I managed a few exercises and changed the bedding before submitting to the sinus lurgy and getting back into bed. Phil brought the Laptop up so I could work on the journal but I mainly dossed.

A PHE study showed immunity from coronavirus after 5 months but evidence it could still be transmitted. Oldham council immunised the homeless. Dr. Chauhan canvassed the government for the strategy to be a national priority. Nasty Patel got the rules wrong for the second time in a week. Previously saying outdoor recreation was allowed, she now incorrectly said you could only exercise alone. Fish rotted due to what Useless George called Brexit ‘teething issues’. Scottish fishers demanded compo. In the commons, Rees-Moggy told SNP MP Tommy Sheppard: “the government is tackling the issue and the key thing is we’ve got our fish back. They’re now British fish…better and happier fish for it.” What a moron!

Merlina the queen raven, missing from the Tower of London since before Christmas, was feared dead after likely foraging due to a lack of bread-bearing tourists. If 2 more flew off, the kingdom would fall but Ravenmaster Chris Scaife assured us there was a spare. Snow slowed jabbing of the elderly on a day of snow madness. Leeds students were berated for having a mass snowball fight on Woodhouse Moor, a stream of cars navigated the tricky sloping bend opposite, Halifax buses skidded, traffic jammed on a treacherous Sutton Bank and a 3 mph car chase ended in the slowest crash ever when a codger with a frozen windscreen ran into a traffic cone. The utterly selfish and inconsiderate behaviour beggared belief in the perilous conditions, unless essential and risked diverting over-stretched emergency services. Subsequent arrests involved people from different households driving over the Pennines for take-away fried chicken and snow-viewing.

The weak Friday sun struggled behind blankets of freezing fog, blazed bright for a few hours then picturesquely peaked through trees mid-afternoon. Still bed-ridden and unable to enjoy the outdoors, I took slightly more successful window photos and wrote ‘Midwinter Spring’ for ‘Cool Places’. Yet another daft Microsoft update required re-starting the laptop. At least it didn’t take all day like the last one. Phil succeeded in getting salad items from the co-op but I became light-headed waiting for him to bring lunch and would have fallen down if I weren’t already supine. In the evening, I dossed on the sofa to binge-watch 3 episodes of Britannia II– an irresistible mix of historical fact and utter nonsense! We also discussed virus fears. Worried by the current situation, Phil assured me the vaccine would save us. But how many would refuse it, for a plethora of spurious reasons? I optimistically cited posts by Vegan Friend, saying it was for the greater good, notwithstanding the irony of protesting against Pfizer for animal testing!

Boris briefed us on the end of travel corridors from 4.00 a.m. Monday. Norwegian Air scrapped long-haul flights from Gatwick, only flying across Norway and to key European destinations – nowt to do with Brexit! WHO scientists arrived in Wuhan to investigate the start of the outbreak. 2 of the 13 stayed in Singapore after testing positive, the rest in quarantine for a fortnight. A day after Debenhams announced the closure of 6 outlets including the flagship Oxford Street store, Whitbread confirmed 1,5000 jobs had gone and Primark were set to lose 1bn in profits. The Torygraph was forced to publish a correction to a ‘misleading column’ written by right-wing sociopath Toby Young in July, saying the common cold provided immunity to Covid-19. His latest tweet whinged about being attacked in London for his anti-lockdown stance. Phil said: “They’re always snowflakes those types. If they were more like Alan B’stard I might have some respect for them.”*

Remaining poorly over the weekend, I wrote and sketched. Phil ventured out in Saturday’s melting snow for fresh air and exercise, reporting the town centre less busy but people coffee-cupping in a cave under the nearby climbing rocks! In the evening, I had an alarming nosebleed. A regular feature of my sinusitis, this one didn’t stop for ages. We concurred it was due to using those awful steroid nasal sprays in the past. Sunday night, I hardly slept at all. Traffic could still be heard at 3.00 a.m., headlamps like searchlights penetrating the curtains. Yet again, I wondered what the f**k was going on!

India used Covishield and Covaxin in the world’s largest ‘inoculation drive’. The LA death rate rose to 8 per minute. Biden promised 100m ‘shots in the arm’ in 100 days and 12,000 a day by next week, in ‘operation warp speed’. Covid jabs in the UK hit 3.8m, averaging 140 per 60 seconds, but there was a hospital admission every 30 seconds. Phil Spector died in prison. Officially of natural causes, he’d reportedly had Covid for 4 weeks.

Sociopath anti-lockdowner Lord Sumpter appeared on The Big Questions. He told cancer podcaster Deborah James her life was ‘worth less’ than others. At least he got challenged by a disabled person calling him out for eugenics which made a change. The themes of snowflakes and sociopaths continued into the following week…

*Note – Alan B’stard was the main character in the satire ‘The New Statesman’ played by the legendary Rik Mayall.

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 44 – It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over

“Sorry losers and haters but my IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault” (Donald Trump)

Lockdown Mark 3

Early 2021, I considered giving up on the journal but with so much going on, felt compelled to continue. After all, ‘it ain’t over ‘til it’s over’…

Woozy Monday due to lack of sleep, I made a big effort to rise. We laughed along with Vernon Kay on Jeremey Vine as Carol Brexit banged on about the same old garbage of the virus only killing ill people. There was controversy over when to take Christmas decor down. Both brought up to do it on the Epiphany when the 3 wise men came, we used to move the figurines into the crib, then pack it up. Others said they should be removed before midnight on 6^th January to ward off bad luck. We declared that a load of nonsense, believing in tradition, not superstition. A woman called in to say her parents left them until well after twelfth night last year. They poo-pooed her assertion it was bad luck: “And then look what happened!” That slayed us. “It’s good to have someone to blame!” I later discovered from English Heritage that in Medieval times, people kept them until Candlemas on 2^nd February. It made sense brightening the dark January days, but leaving it ‘til Easter was just ludicrous, particularly with cream eggs already on the shelves.

I posted blogs and as the skies looked threatening, we got rid of piles of recycling in case more snow arrived. Very icy near the bins, Phil had a hard time not slipping. The site resembling a midden, he tried to clear the nastiness up but the task proved futile. In the afternoon, I did some yoga then actually slept briefly which was nice. Meanwhile, Phil went to the co-op, returning without salad items: “nowt to do with Brexit.” Big Sis had messaged a few days ago and finally feeling up to calling as promised, we started safely agreeing on the Brexit mess. As she suddenly jumped to the old ‘they have all our info, including our DNA’ conspiracy stuff, I managed to steer the conversation back to common ground.

Brian Pinker was the first UK resident to get the Oxford jab. Prof Powis said it was a ‘turning point’ and echoed my prediction that things would improve by spring/early summer. The variant was now known worldwide as the Kent Virus. Cases rose, with the highest rates in the North West, especially Liverpool and Cumbria. Wales and Scotland were in total lockdown until at least the end of January, and the NI Executive toughened measures. At 8.00 p.m. Boris announced England was at ‘alert level 5’ and entering a third national lockdown. Similar to the first one, it entailed staying at home, only leaving to shop for essentials, for exercise, medical reasons, to escape domestic abuse, or for work if we had to. The clinically vulnerable were told to shield again, social bubbles remained in place, nurseries stayed open but schools and colleges shut. Having claimed they were low risk only the previous day, The Bumbler now said schools were ‘major vectors’ of the virus. He promised eligible kids would get free school meals and the distribution of more devices to support remote learning. Exams were scrapped with alternatives to be arranged. Possibly lasting into March, we were urged to follow the rules immediately before they became law on Wednesday when MPs re-convened to vote. He promised we were in “the last phase of the struggle” and the top 4 priority groups would be vaccinated by the end of February, requiring an unprecedented 2 million jabs a week. A tall order for a government that consistently over-promised and under-delivered!

Failing to mention any additional support for business, Rishi rushed out plans the next morning. £4.6 billion would be available, including grants of £9k for retail, hospitality and leisure and £594m for councils to support local business via a discretionary fund. He ignored suggestions to provide furlough to parents forced to stay at home with school kids and increasing SSP to encourage the infected to self-isolate.

Panic-buying and virtual queues returned immediately and Online grocers’ websites crashed. Thank goodness I placed that Ocado order at the weekend!

Tuesday, I got rid of Christmas cards and greenery. I also tried to clear up the midden but was defeated by mounds of inflexible cardboard and polystyrene – who was responsible? During my siesta, I used earplugs to block out sounds of shouting from outside. Although generally quieter after the start of lockdown mark 3, someone was having a loud socially-distanced conversation, making it impossible to settle.

About to play guitar early evening, Keir came on telly with a formal statement. Previously saying “the figures are very stark” and there was “nothing missing from the package”, he now said serious questions remained on why The Bumbler hadn’t acted sooner, why the testing system still wasn’t working, why there was so little time to plan for school closures, and why the delay in offering business support? He promised Labour would support the new lockdown: “… whatever our quarrels.. we need to come together… the virus is out of control… at this darkest of moments we need a new national effort…” but vowed to: “(challenge) the government where they are getting it wrong… (they must) use the lockdown to establish a massive vaccination programme… we need a new contract… the country stays at home, the government delivers the vaccine… “ I wasn’t keen on his idea of ‘round the clock’ vaccinations; no way would I be able to get to a jab centre at silly o’clock in the morning! And what about the staff? On Newsnight, Lockdown Sceptic Toby Young conceded he was wrong to say a second wave wasn’t on the way. But still stuck to his sociopathic herd immunity beliefs, citing the stupid Barrington declaration and Prof Guppy Fish. What a wanker!

Loser Trump planned to fly to Scotland and play golf on 19^th January, thus avoiding Biden’s inauguration on the 20^th. Sturgeon warned he was not allowed as golf wasn’t essential. Phil said: “she can’t stop him. He’ll still be a sovereign entity.” Or would he?…

Anarchy in the USA

Cold, frosty but sunny Wednesday, a walk would have been good but it took most of the day to deal with Christmas trees. Phil carried the larger one out all by himself. “ Smashed it!” we laughed. The hoovering made my back ache so I switched to sedentary activities. Annoyed at being charged loads for utilities, I searched the British Gas website for a lower tariff to discover I couldn’t get one unless I had an electric car! Phil popped to the shop just before dusk, alarmed that the pavements were already refrozen.

On a QT special, simpleton Nads Zahawi, minister for the vaccination programme (god help us!) said they needed the community and independent sectors to work with the NHS on vaccine delivery. Pharmacists so far excluded, meetings were promised next week. As they’d announced 7 new regional hubs, I asked why none were in Yorkshire; even more of an issue as only elderly people within 45 minutes’ drive would be invited. What a daft strategy!

MPs went to parliament for a day. The Salesman told them teacher assessments would be used in place of exams or terrible algorithms. With BTEC exams due next week, they weren’t included. In a meeting with revolting tories before the vote on Lockdown #3, Boris seemed surprised it would be law until the end of March (just before Easter) and promised a review every 2 weeks. “He hasn’t read it!” exclaimed Phil. As 1.3k Met officers were off sick or isolating, other forces sought permission to break down doors and arrest people. European news actually reported by the BBC for once, there were issues of goods entering NI and the Moderna vaccine was approved by the EU; not applicable on Brexit island of course.

Over In the states, 1 in 5 citizens of Los Angeles were infected, someone died every 15 minutes and ambulances were disgustingly instructed to not pick up people with little chance of recovery.

Following Loser Trump’s attempts to find extra votes and get Pence to illegally declare ballots invalid, the Georgia re-run confirmed a Democrat majority. He told his supporters to go to the Capitol Building, which they obediently did, using violence to gain entry, seize inauguration stands, and defile the interior. 4 acolytes died, one of gunshot the others of heart attacks. Amid questions about security, in stark contrast to the response to BLM protests in the summer, a cop became the fifth fatality due to injuries sustained.

The next day, Biden was finally confirmed as the next president. Still intending to miss the inauguration, The Loser tweeted: ‘Even though I totally disagree with the outcome of the election, and the facts bear me out, nevertheless there will be an orderly transition on January 20.’ Democrats called for him to be removed from office on the grounds of mental incapacity and incitement to insurrection. Having ended the lives of more death row prisoners than any other president in history, it was a shame the maximum penalty was 10 years if convicted. Clearly saying words written for him, he later decried the Capitol besiegers. Some halfwit commented on a picture posted on twitter labelled ‘Via Getty’, that the subject should be arrested. Which grandson would that be?

Here We Are Again!

Wintry conditions persisted for the rest of the week. Thursday, we were distracted by watching people moving out of the house below. “I wonder who our next sim pets will be?” Ha, ha! Togged up, I stole myself for a chilly trip to the market. Actually 2 degrees above freezing, and no ice on the pavements, I felt overdressed. In a quiet town centre, only 4 cars occupied the carpark, allowing me to spot what resembled a pixie door in the side wall of the tearooms, previously unnoticed. The stall outside the pub in the square, rammed with people imbibing mulled wine the previous week, now looked forsaken. The fish van hadn’t made the weekly trip but the toiletries stall was well-stocked which was a relief amidst reports of bog roll shortages. While serving me, the jolly veg man precariously placed his lit fag on the edge of the stall, next to a pack of lighters. “Watch that!” I implored. “Don’t worry, I’m an expert at burning stuff down.” “That’s reassuring.” I remembered to repay him for a faux pas long ago, when I inadvertently took an extra bunch of spring onions. “I’ve been losing sleep over that 50p,” he joked. That evening, we watched The Limehouse Golem on telly. The first time I’d seen it sober; I was struck by its creepiness. Dan Leno’s catchphrase: ‘here we are again!’ seemed particularly poignant right now.

The Cock Cocked-up at a GP surgery to laud delivery of the Oxford vaccine which didn’t turn up. Jon Ashworth said it was like the ‘Thick of It’. The weekly clap apparently returned, as ‘clap for heroes’. “Who are they then?” Asked Phil. “Anyone you like.” No applause was heard in these parts.

Friday, I re-worked my submission plan in line with the reduced 4 issues of Valley Life magazine planned for 2021, reflecting it would be easier selecting one extract per season. The trip to the co-op definitely required the bear coat. Despite alleged shortages and stockpiling, I fulfilled the list. In the afternoon, I wrote up small walks from the previous week to post on ‘Cool Places’ⁱ

The R rate rose to 1-1.4. Nationally, there were 1,325 deaths from coronavirus, the worst daily total ever. A major incident was declared in London where 1 in 30 were infected compared to 1 in 50 nationally. The Excel Nightingale hospital would re-open for non-Covid patients. It was reported that 1.5m older people had received a jab so far while the Moderna vaccination was approved. The government ordered an extra 17m doses but it wouldn’t be available until spring, no doubt because the EU got in first. Hauliers going to France were advised to get tested before crossing into Kent. Grant Shatts said negative tests would be required within 72 hours of in-bound travel to the UK. The plan put back until 18^th January because the guidance hadn’t been published, Yvette Cooper called it “truly shocking.” Plod idiocy returned with the old park bench conundrum. The over-zealous Derbyshire force were up to their old tricks, fining 2 women who’d driven 5 miles to have a walk. An appeal was unsurprisingly successful. Here we are again!

Saturday, a weak sun obscured by fog, soon disappeared altogether. Horrid dressing in the arctic conditions, I asked Phil to do my long-overdue haircut dry. He said it would be different but I thought it was pretty good. The rest of the day, I worked on blogs and created an arty alphabet made up of letters from signs photographed on the recent canal walk. It started to shape up well but q, x, and z were missing. With cases still rising and hospitals at breaking point, top medics pleaded for tougher restrictions and Boris was more worried than ever. Apart from the daft government ads, it wasn’t clear what else he would do. Reduce the ridiculously long list of keyworkers? Stop their kids attending classes? Close schools altogether? Shut nurseries? Reduce permitted exercise to once a week? As Twitter shut Trump’s account, Phil asked: “has anyone copied it? There were some classics.” “What, like covfefe?” He later found an hilarious example (see top).

On a dingy, drizzly Sunday, I braved the mix of mist and fine rain which Phil called ‘fizzle’, to go and find the missing letters for my arty alphabet.

Walking down our street, I found 2 out of 3, plus most numbers. I ventured slightly further and succeeded in getting a complete set.

When you looked, they were everywhere: on lampposts, telegraph poles, walls, parking meters, and of course signs.

Coming back, I found a DVD in the freebie box then ran the last stretch. Good to get some fresh air and exercise, I reflected on the restrictions saying we could go outdoors once a day for exercise but not for recreation. Did that mean we could walk/run/cycle, as long as we didn’t enjoy it? I had several responses ready if challenged: “it’s for me mental health, innit?; I is an essential photographer; I am journaling the pandemic and contributing to a research project”. Alphabet complete, I manipulated letters in Photoshop for future use and wrote a haiku.ⁱⁱ

Over the weekend, Leeds got trounced by Crawley Town in the FA cup 3^rd round. To be fair, they looked like they weren’t even trying, suggesting they’d rather concentrate on staying in the top flight. Pundits advised the suspension of all matches. “Yeah, but they don’t mind getting paid to chat shit about the footie they think shouldn’t be played!”

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 43 – Sub Zero

“In major cities, libtards and snowflakes mince into the streets to celebrate Biden’s victory with an outpouring of hope, joy and coronavirus droplets” (Narrator, Death to 2020)

Life in the Freezer

Bank holiday Monday started grey and literally freezing. After I posted blogs the sky seemed to brighten slightly. Days since I left the house, we wrapped up against the cold to embark on a short walk along the canal; an astoundingly unoriginal idea. The towpath busy, we stopped often for lumps of people to pass and also to peruse strange sights including a bizarre collection of carnival animals, trees festooned with decorations and dedications, barges bedecked with effigies and Christmas gubbins and one selling coffee. “So that’s where you get it from when everywhere else is shut.” (for a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’) ⁱ

The Glove Puppet appeared on BBC Breakfast to evade questions on giving MPs 1 day to read and debate all 1,200 pages of the Brexit deal, claiming they’d had 4.5 years. He also downplayed the effect on livelihoods, smugly saying there would be ‘bumps’. Incredible! With evidence the new coronavirus variant was spreading fast, hospital admissions were higher than during the spring peak. Certain to grow again after Christmas mixing, just in time for the start of the new term, the idiotic government still planned to forge ahead re-opening schools. The next day, they announced the army would help with testing, by giving remote guidance. Education unions said while help was welcome, the response was inadequate.

Tuesday, we woke to a sprinkling of snow. Determined to have a few normal days, I exercised, made porridge and carried out small chores. As I sorted recycling, crumbs spilt all over the floor irritatingly making more work. I texted my walking friend again about her gifts. It turned out she got a positive test result on 23^rd December, just after I last contacted her. Thus she was stuck indoors self-isolating until New Year’s Day, but not ill. Adding a slice of Christmas cake, I took her the gift bag. I hesitated climbing steep steps but thankfully, they were ice-free, unlike the top pavement which was so treacherous I had to walk on the road. I knocked and stood back from the doorstep to wait, cautiously gave her the gifts and chatted from a distance. Her birthday falling on 2^nd Jan, she was looking forward to walks with her companion when she re-gained freedom. “Well, we won’t be going to the pub will we?” I’d not been home long when she messaged to say thanks for the gifts. She liked the antique coffee pot I found some time ago so much that she turned it into a profile pic. I walked back down to the co-op for a few items, had the usual rigmarole of sorting groceries and watched a telly film before embarking on a customary annual film review. That night, I slept 8.5 hours, including one big lump of 5 hours. Possibly a record, maybe it was due to skipping siestas.

Wednesday morning was very cold and still white after an icy night. Stunned by the extra sleep, I managed a few exercises. Phil fetched cereal topped with a lovely apple art. Taking a picture with my new phone camera, I struggled with the photo app. Unable to see any option other than saving them to Google drive, I e-mailed it to myself and saved it to OneDrive.

Later, I found a couple of apps to add and Phil helped get rid of the daft Bing widget so I could fit more icons on the front screen.

He informed me of a new film in production. Called ‘Le Neuf’, it was about Spanish republicans liberating Paris in 1944. Amazed we knew nothing of this episode of WW2, especially having read books by Anarchists that were actually in the civil war, we found a few historical photos but the story had been largely buried.

Following a very hasty lunch, we embarked on another short walk to capture wintry scenes, taking the safest way to the nearest clough. Although scrappy, patches of snow added to the attractiveness of the woodland. Not too busy, muddy paths suggested we’d missed the rush. A fellow walker said he’d seen a kingfisher. We were naturally sceptical. “Yeah, right, sure you did!” A couple of days later, photographic proof appeared on Facebook so I guess we were just never lucky. The ‘islands’ inundated, we picked our way towards the waterfall as far as passable then hiked up the top path, perused the snowy bridge and turned back to climb further for gorgeous nigh-twilight scenes across the valley. The old church ruin looked like a castle turret and the pike appeared mystical. Further up, kids sledged on thin ice in a field, overlooked by a falcon in a tree. (for a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’i)

In town, we got a few bits from the convenience store and returned home in time for another rambling briefing. On the day Margaret Keenan had a second Pfizer jab, Boris bragged about approval of the Oxford vaccine. The first dose gave ‘massive protection’, so they planned to immunise as many vulnerable people as possible and delay the second injection for 12 weeks. This garnered much criticism, including from Pfizer who’d not tested their drug with such a long interval. Presenting the tier review, The Cock predictably said most areas would move up: all of the South East, Midlands, North West, and South West to tier 4; Liverpool and North Yorks to tier 3, where West Yorks stayed. Now no regions were in tier 2, and only the Silly isles stayed at 1.

Gavin Salesman made a commons statement delaying the start of term for secondary schools until 18^th Jan (except for exam-year pupils, kids of keyworkers and the vulnerable). Not applicable in tier 4, confusion reigned. The message for colleges and universities was equally garbled; something about 2 rapid flow tests and remote learning except for students undertaking practical courses. MPs went to parliament and voted yes to the Brexit deal, including Keir, even though he called it ‘thin’. Boris signed the document at a tiny desk with the ridiculous tinpot dictator-style backdrop of 4 union jacks.

Death to 2020

Following a freezing night, snow remained on the ground New Year’s Eve. Early sun was overtaken by mist and a pink sky suggested further wintry showers. Disinclined to go outside, I worked on the journal. Phil cut his hair into the characteristic buzzcut – not my idea of fun in the sub-zero conditions. We marked the demise of 2020 with a lobster dinner (thanks to bargainous Lidl), pink cava, party poppers and social media messages. There was no need to tell us not to have a party but I knew others would. I’d heard drunks coming home late every night of the week – god knows where from! We watched the bongs as Big Ben sounded for the occasion followed by a rather good virtual display. Mind you, the bangs had stiff competition from the real-life cacophony. With only 3 pubs open in the UK (all on the Silly isles), there were street parties and raves aplenty. The idiots were probably celebrating Brexit as well as the new year. The predicted massive rise in cases within the next week or so came earlier than expected.

After mediocre sleep, I started New Year’s Day with a slight hangover. The temperature rose above zero for the first time in days and a bit of blue appeared in the sky but typically, not until almost dusk. We watched the posh New Year concert from Vienna which made a change from lairy cartoons. Family films were all very well, but did they have to be aimed at 5 year olds? With mixed feelings about 2021, I guessed the next few months would still be grim with the virus and Brexit, but as more vaccines came, hoped it would improve late spring/early summer. I resolved to try and be kinder. Not sure how long that would last. Ha, ha!

Drawn in by Dr. Who, we started on dinner late. Fiddling with lobster remains for seafood spaghetti, and the tardy baking of garlic bread due to crap gas, made us bad-tempers. But the delicious repast and unwise but tasty red wine soon restored our spirits, as did the most excellently funny spoof documentary ‘Death to 2020’ on Netflix.

Saturday started sunny and I wished my walking friend a happy sparkly birthday. It then snowed and I trusted she wasn’t stuck up a hill somewhere. Wobbly from the wine, I forced myself up, and took several hours to brace myself for an expedition to the co-op. Covered in 3 layers plus the rarely required ‘bear coat’ (effective to -40 degrees), I discovered it wasn’t actually that cold outdoors. The supermarket shelves resembled the war. The friendly kiosk cashier insisted it was nothing to do with Brexit and gave some incomprehensible rambling reason involving the manager and back-office stores. Back home, Phil laughed at the ‘nothing to do with Brexit’ comment and predicted it would be a top mantra for 2021. We spent the rest of the day indoors. I placed an Ocado order, primarily to replenish alcohol supplies. Delivery would not be for a week and a half but it soon transpired I did it in the nick of time.

My nails were rather ugly from the lobster fiddling. Sunday, I trimmed the worst of the grime and tackled the manky nailbrush for which I invented a hack using vinegar, bicarb and a tee-pee brush. I spent the rest of the day working on blogs.

In the face of mounting pressure to keep schools shut another 2 weeks, Boris appeared on The Marr Insisting they were safe because kids didn’t get ill, omitting to mention the risk of spreading. In any case, they refused to re-open in some places including Leeds and Bradford. He said he could have shut everything down to stop the virus, begging the question, why he hadn’t! Warning tougher measures may be needed in the coming weeks, Keir urged him to do so immediately. Perhaps that was why The Bumbler’s address to the nation came a lot sooner than even I envisaged…

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 2 – Don’t Panic!

1 - Planned for Valley Life April 2020 — Moorland Expanse, from ‘Our Back Yard’

Tuesday 17^th March, St Patricks Day was effectively cancelled, as was the publication of Valley Life magazineⁱⁱ. I had only recently submitted my regular column for the next issue due at the start of April (‘Our Back Yard’, based on my ‘Cool Places blog’)ⁱ. Not only did the proprietor have underlying health issues but 80% of the magazine distributors were aged over 70.

I nipped out to the local supermarket for a top-up shop, fully expecting to return empty-handed. Predictably, shelves designated for bog roll, pasta, spuds and onions were bare. But fresh fruit, salad stuff and other veg was plentiful. As others stared in disbelief at the gaps, I couldn’t help chuckling at the stupidity of it. Luckily, I got what I needed, plus an emergency bag of flour. At the till, the queue moved very slowly and people were irritatingly not adhering to ‘social distancing’. I pointedly stood back. On the way out, I shared news with a neighbour (again, from a safe distance) about comings and goings on the street. As I struggled home, I rued buying the hefty bag of flour.

The latest evening update from Bumbling Boris created more consternation and confusion. Government ‘advice’ was still not mandatory. Organisations continued to take matters into their own hands. All theatres shut, so our trip to Blackpool had been timely. The self-isolation advice remained mind-boggling, varying between 7 and 14 days. While the NHS declared all non-essential surgery would be postponed, Rishi Rich announced more money for companies – loans and grants rather than hand-outs – and he still failed to address the SSP issue for the self-employed and those on zero hours contracts. I suggested it would be better to give everyone actual money so they could at least afford food, fuel and rent rather than propping up businesses that are probably doomed anyway.

On Wednesday, Mum finally rang me, obsessed with the same gripes as ever, despite the new health threat. I contacted friends and family to see how they were faring. My two brothers, nephews and cousins all replied positively. One of my sisters works for HMRC and is technically semi-retired, but was working ‘flat out’ (from home) to try and implement the measures announced almost daily. My other sister irked me somewhat, declaring the pandemic “just flu’ made worse by panic”. An extended family member told me her daughter’s boss was supplying her with 40 bog rolls. She justified this by saying the daughter would be working at home for 3 months. While I saw the funny side, I was more exacerbated than amused. Why did she need to stockpile the stuff upfront for the whole duration? No wonder there’s a shortage!

Of the friends who replied, one was on holiday in The Gambia, confident the country was virus-free but accepting her flight back might be affected. I arranged to meet my walking friend for a foraging trip the next day. An elderly couple who live up the street were already self-isolating. They had developed a routine involving a short drive ‘up tops’ for some fresh air which sounded sensible (while they still could). Vague ponderings on a conspiracy theory less rational.

Trying to update an Ocado order, I was initially placed in a queue expected to last over 2 hours, then I received a message saying I could no longer edit my order. Later that day, unable to cope with demand, the Ocado website shut down until the weekend for structural changes. A few days later, I logged on out of interest to discover the queue had grown to 4 hours! This situation persisted throughout the week.

Phil needed to go into town. I asked him to look for broccoli or cauli. He returned with both, but reported that in contrast to the day before, there was hardly any fresh veg apart from spuds! It was hard to keep track of the erratic panic buying and shortages.

The daily plague bulletin mentioned measures to ease food shortages. Supermarkets were hiring more delivery drivers and creating specific time- slots for the elderly and vulnerable while pubs and restaurants were converting to take-aways. A flurry of e-mails from suppliers landed in my in-box (some of which I’d not used for decades), confirming the message. Schools were closing on Friday, more due to teachers self-isolating than for public safety reasons, with kids of NHS staff and undefined ‘key workers’ still able to attend. Further event cancellations included Glastonbury and the Eurovision Song Contest. At least the UK wouldn’t get ‘nil points’. With all the songs watchable online, how about a remote contest with DIY scoring?ⁱⁱⁱ

Filming stopped on loads of TV dramas including Eastenders. Schedules were due to fill up with advice and entertainment for people stuck at home including sofa choirs, Sunday mass, exercise for the elderly, and educational stuff for kids being ‘home schooled’. I look forward to a return of old-fashioned schools programmes, especially those featuring factory production lines.

That night, I developed a scratchy throat and earache. Certain it was sinusitis again and not Coronavirus, I became annoyed at the relapse. I made a big effort to get up, bathed and dressed but accepted I needed to stay away from people and would not be able to go foraging with my friend. I texted her, joking she could come round and talk to me from 2 yards away. I had just got downstairs when the Ocado van pulled up. Phil answered the door then stood back as instructed while the driver left the stuff on the threshold.

We had just sat down for coffee when there was a second knock on the door. I answered to find my friend sitting on the bench opposite the house. I offered her a cuppa and she asked “Is it safe?”. Taking extreme care, I ensured it was. I sat on the doorstep so we could chat safely . Inevitably, we compared notes on how the plague was affecting us. As she is a care worker, I was particularly interested in how they were coping: so far, so good.

Spring Madness

During the short stint outdoors, I spotted a few signs of imminent spring in the form of a few flowers, including a primrose in our tiny garden and a neon green caterpillar. An arty German couple stopped a foot away. I told them I was unwell and to move. They nodded but didn’t budge and asked after the next-door neighbour. I told them she was not there and thankfully they shifted at last. My friend was off to the weekly market. I said if she found bog roll, to get me some. She thought I was jesting. I wasn’t! Although pleasant outside, I felt cold from sitting on the step. I managed to stay up and keep occupied throughout the day (apart from the customary siesta) but this proved a mistake. I had a terrible night as noisy, brightly-lit roadworks mitigated against sleep, even with earplugs.

Friday I felt achy and ill. I resigned myself to bedrest. We still needed a few supplies for the weekend and Phil volunteered to go shopping. This turned into quite a mission – “It’s carnage out there!” – although he did procure under-the-counter bog roll (only available to favoured customers!) He came across Ground Zero who warily kept his distance, people wearing face-masks (while sceptical about their efficacy he wondered where on earth they were getting the proper air-filtration gear when even the NHS didn’t have them. They’d probably stolen them from health workers) and a man covered in blood. Apparently from Leeds, he had come here to live outside. So it begins, I thought; people moving from big conurbations to the relative safety of rural areas, bringing the disease with them.

The latest pronouncements included public places (such as bars, restaurants and gyms) being told to close from Saturday morning, with take-ways still allowed. Rishi Rich said the Government would pay 80% of the wages of those whose jobs were at risk, up to a limit of £2,500 a month. All very well, but if you can’t go out drinking and don’t need to commute, why on earth do you need that much money? I repeat: why don’t they just give everyone enough to cover housing, food and other essential costs? Is it because that would be a harder system to administrate, putting the onus on the state rather than employers (who have to apply for it)? On a positive note, folk might buy more crap on the internet so it’s possibly a good time to re-visit that e-bay lark. Amazon will no doubt do very well out of this; they had better cough up on the taxes. My HMRC sister will be even busier!

Overnight reports demonstrated the stupidity and selfishness of some people, with a mad dash for a Friday night out before pubs and clubs shut the next day.

I continued to feel unwell for several days, confining me largely to the bedroom. Weekend telly provided some amusement. Celebrity Chefs got with the zeitgeist. Saturday kitchen featured tinned sardine bolognese. Jamie Oliver was starting a cooking programme Monday teatime to show us how to make stuff out of flour. Football Focus was even funnier than usual. We had often japed it should be called ‘No Football Focus’. Now, it was ‘Really No football Focus”, consisting of 4 kids sat in an attic, not practicing social distancing, chatting shit, showing old clips of Wayne Rooney.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — Loitering Kids by Phil Openshaw

While I stayed in bed, Phil went out on another egg hunt. With typical resourcefulness, he got some after literally queueing for half an hour at the butchers. Town was even weirder. The usually busy square was occupied only by an elderly couple staring at nothing, a woman wearing 10 coats reading a novel, and kids loitering on the empty market stalls. With queues outside pubs selling take-outs, the die-hards sat on the wall outside the local drinking tinnies.

I said “they will probably ban that soon” (in line with guidance for congregations of more than 5 people).

He replied “I’d like to see them try; the estates will go mental.”

“The army is on stand-by.”

“Yes because the police have no resources!”

Herd Stupidity

Sunday dawned bright and sunny again. And so quiet! For several minutes, I bathed in the magical luxury of the eerie silence until a solitary car driving past on the main road broke the spell. I almost didn’t put the telly on but was driven by the desire to glean the latest nuggets on Corvid-19. The local politics show mentioned ‘emergency powers for Yorkshire’ – surely not just us?

While making the traditional Sunday breakfast, I managed to drop my egg on the floor, yolk-side down Distressed, I considered eating it but decided it was too dicey. A good job Phil had found more the day before! I took some recycling out and enjoyed a few minutes of fresh air, albeit with a chilly wind. Then I had to go back to bed. Phil went out for a short walk, leaving me envious and self-pitying. I longed to be outdoors, especially now the air had become distinctly fresher due to a lack of traffic – a message from mother earth!

When he got back, he updated me on the weirdness. While most people were being sensible, many seemed still in denial. Neighbours from the next terrace confidently predicted the crisis would be over in 4 weeks so they could go on their planned holiday. A daft lad on the street below treated the whole thing as a jolly, inviting mates round to smoke weed. A stark contrast emerged between our block of mainly older people acting sensibly and cautiously, and younger people down the road being irresponsible and selfish.

This pattern was replicated across the nation. Hordes flocked to country parks and the seaside at the start of spring. With schools out and glorious weather, perhaps this was inevitable but the sheer volume of cars clogging roads, families on over-crowded beaches, second-homers infesting the countryside, no doubt thinking this was their last chance, it made you wonder why none of them stopped to think how recklessly thoughtless they were. It was equally inevitable that the government would introduce tougher measures to contain the outbreak.

Officials repeated that those who died from Covid-19 were elderly and/or had ‘underlying health issues’. I suspected this wasn’t true, but a strategy to avoid panic. Unfortunately, the message backfired as younger people thought they are immune. The part of the message about protecting others in the community especially the more vulnerable, and the NHS which will collapse if thousands of people get infected at the same time, failed to hit home. I considered hanging a sign out the window: ‘ it’s not about you, you dickheads!’

Sunny weather lasted well into the new week, although the nights were often frosty. Traffic increased and I tried to work out from the sound if it was delivery trucks. I felt slightly better first thing but this didn’t last long. Most days, I managed a few small chores then needed to go back to bed and worked on my writing. Unable to go out taking photos, I used an image of Blackpool North Shore for my weekly haiga: ‘Herd Stupidity’, summing up the lunacy of the first weekend of spring.

Lockdown!

Out of bread again, Phil nipped to the local bakers. In another predictable move, they were no longer accepting cash. He made up a platter of bread, cheese and ham cut into triangles– this had become a theme over the past few days: ‘this week, we have been mainly eating triangles’

In the Daily Plague Bulletin, Bumbling Boris made a statement following a Cobra meeting. As expected, he announced an almost total lockdown. Everyone can now only leave the house for 4 specific reasons: shopping for essentials like food; to do exercise once a day, alone or with others in the household; for medical/care reasons; to go to work but only if essential. Many Questions arose such as:

If we are meant to get stuff delivered, why are all the take-away chains shutting? And if there’s a 4 week wait for a supermarket delivery, what are we meant to eat in the meantime?
If we are supposed to go out shopping as infrequently as possible, why are some shops only letting us buy one bottle of milk at a time and what about fresh veg?
How long can people be out of the house exercising? All morning? All day? Can they do a marathon?
What if you have a dog that needs walking more than once a day?
Does medical care include taking your pet to the vets?
What counts as essential work? Why is construction still going on?
How are they going to enforce the fines and disperse gatherings with hardly any police?

Over the forthcoming days, answers were given to some of these questions. In the now-familiar ‘making it up as they go along’ way.

References:

i. Valley Life magazine: http://valleylifemagazine.co.uk/

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. Eurovision: https://eurovisionworld.com/eurovision/songs-videos

iv. My Haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

school closures