Corvus Bulletin 11:Mind Your Pi’s and Rho’s (Covid Inquiry June-Dec 2023)

“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)

The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22^nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.

Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.

On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.

Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.

At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2^nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18^th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!

Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.

The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.

As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.

The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.

All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.

Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”

Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.

Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.

Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.

Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.

On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.

Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.

In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.

Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11^th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!

Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.

The NHS’ 75^th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.

*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:

Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)

Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).

**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘

Part 106 – Clownfall

“Too many people are losing the battle to keep a roof over their heads – struggling to pay rent and put food in their mouths…the next Prime Minister needs to get a grip on this crisis, and fast” (Polly Neate)

Liar, Liar!

July 1^st, I managed a full day out of bed, hung washing in sunshine and nipped in the art shop for an open studios brochure on the way to the co-op. As I danced in the aisles to ‘The Chelsea Song’*, someone said “nice moves, Mary!” I turned and smiled before recognising Bully Ex-neighbour. That was the end of blanking her, then! A rain shower eased as I walked back alongside Irish Neighbour who predicted it’d stop altogether when we got home. Alas, it didn’t. As it got wetter, Phil dashed out to fetch the laundry. Sun returning, I started to peg it back, but darkening skies made me abandon the idea. The Widower chatted to The Woman Next Door. His unleashed dog roamed the street, weed near our door and jumped up to plant 2 matching muddy paw prints on my light summer jeans. The Widower apologised and offered to wash them. I said it was okay, then went in to rant and soak the jeans.

ONS estimated covid went up another 32%, with 1:35 infected in Yorkshire and 1:25 in Calderdale. Prof Linda Bauld blamed holidaymakers returning from Portugal. Shats unveiled a 22 point plan for air flights. Scottish cops withdrew ‘goodwill’. The work to rule was triggered by a ‘derisory’ offer of £564 extra pay.

Waking early with a cough Saturday, I sucked a pastille and fell back asleep. Both tired, we stayed in. Phil cut my hair and tackled the greasy kitchen then rested while I cleaned floors and went to the co-op for beer. Bantering with My Mate at the kiosk, a woman randomly mentioned Crackerjack. “It’s Friday, it’s 5 to 5…” I quoted. “Oops! I’m showing my age. I know I don’t look it!” Hitherto cloudy, I strolled back in the gorgeous evening and stopped to chat with German Friend warming in sunshine outside her house. Her next-door’s makeshift patio an improvement on the caravan, I desisted in calling it a bit gammon when she said they were nice neighbours. Bemoaning a lack of parking space, set to worsen with the mill development, she planned to bring it up at their upcoming street party. Wondering what good that would do, Phil agreed the fallacy it was a private street gave them delusions of authority! The Woman Next Door had parked in the middle of our street. When End Neighbour arrived, I banged on next door and faked fear of being run over as she backed up. The Widower similarly struggled to park then discovered he’d brought the wrong keys out and had to enter a daft code to get spares from a box. I stayed out to soak up rays, swept cobwebs off the window and lopped the rosebush to prevent eye pokes.

Arriva bus services resumed during talks but the strike was back on a week later. 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in London, Pride revellers were told to stay home if they had monkeypox symptoms and vaccine was offered to contacts.

Quorn sausage instead of meat Sunday, felt like a treat. That mightn’t last as farmers losing £30 per pig threatened to stop production. Phil said “The government can’t admit Brexit’s a mess and there’s no money coming in through trade.” “What about VAT? If they don’t do something, it’ll be more costly when we all die of malnutrition!” Bunman reckoned this was more of a health risk than the pandemic.

Phil having no luck job-hunting, I proposed offering IT skills to artists. Open Studios a good place to start, we visited the main venues. In the first, a woman created charming bird paintings and inspiring collages. Phil offered to take photos of her pictures so she could sell prints online. Mysteriously seeing nobody we knew in the next studio, we climbed steep steps to the upper art mill floors where Photography Friend chuckled: “About time you showed up!” We discussed selling her greetings cards online and the trials of videoing. Browsing jewellery, I was greeted by the silversmith who turned out to be End Neighbour’s daughter.

After visiting a couple of charity shops, we crossed a square busy with bikers and other motley folk to get pop, and supped it near the wavy steps. Lads built a fort on duck island, a boy disgustingly picked up birdseed to hand-feed pigeons, and a misfit black and white mallard mixed with waterfowl until a dog splashed into the water.

It emerged Boris used a government jet to holiday in Cornwall last month. An ill-briefed Thérèse Coffee-Cup was wheeled out to parrot Number 10 press office lines. Most covid infections caused by the BA.5 Omicron subvariant, Thicko Dr. Jenny Harries resurrected the old ‘hands, face, space’ mantra, advised face-masks in busy indoor places and those with respiratory illnesses stayed home. As Russia took control of Lysychansk and accused Ukraine of missile strikes on Belgorod, Gen Mark Milley made parallels between Russian invasions and Nazi Germany but NATO stronger than ever, didn’t think we were on the road to war. Lord Brownnose allegedly got his knighthood for rescuing Bonny Prince Charlie’s daft Dumfries eco homes plan.

Iffy with twinges Monday, I resolved to not stay abed, posted a haiga, drafted blogs, and went to the co-op. The Bonkers woman fretted with a friend over what she could afford for tea. Things were bad if the middle classes were worried! I eschewed pricey items for a low-cost top-up. The young cashier very fast, I asked did he work at Lidl before? “No, kitchens.” I dumped bags near the front door, filled the watering can from the outside tap and jumped at a “Hello Mary.” I hadn’t seen The Woman Next Door on her doorstep. It was hard to keep a straight face as she held a bonger in one hand and traced circles round her face with a tuning fork in the other. Phil guessed it was some zen shit. DIY tuning fork therapy, actually. He was in stiches at a woman on Look North who clearly bought her furnishings from Noir: “And look at that gammon tan!” Thinking he said ‘Gammantine’, I asked if that was a new décor style.

Having said they had no evidence, the BBC admitted 6 complaints against DJ Tim Westwood who police spoke to once. Downing Street stated that aware of ‘reports and speculation’, Boris referred to the ex-whip as ‘Pincher by name, Pincher by nature’, but didn’t know of any substantiated allegations. The National Gallery was evacuated when Just Stop Oil protesters superimposed an apocalyptic future vision onto Constable’s Haywain and glued themselves to the frame. The next day, they augmented The Last Supper at the Royal Academy. Motorists staged country-wide motorway go-slows. Yorkshire cops deployed stingers and chilled-out Bristol cops provided an escort, but arrested 12 for blocking the Prince of Wales Bridge. Due to local food costs, school caterers switched from chicken to turkey and beef to gammon, largely imported. No fuel for teachers, Sri Lanka extended school closures another week. Suspecting bird flu killed chicks on the Farne Isles, NT banned boat trips. 6 were massacred and 36 injured during a Chicago Independence Day parade. Culprit and wannabee rapper Robert E. Crimo III posted cartoons of himself doing the shooting.

Waking frequently, I ended up oversleeping Tuesday. Phil sorted stuff still in bags from Leeds and gave me a posh ruler for to-scale measuring: handy for all that model-building I did! Feeling sleepy, I quit writing for active chores to be stymied by him nabbing the hoover.

Wage growth below inflation, The Resolution Foundation warned 1:4 people’s savings wouldn’t last a month if they lost their job. Lynch told the RMT conference the current strike was the fight of a lifetime. Offered 6%, Bosch Rexworth factory workers in Fife walked out. High street coffee almost £3 a cup, Pret a Manger returned to profit. Hundreds of BA flights cancelled, EasyJet COO Peter Bellew quit over chaos. 40% of travel insurance policies gave insufficient strike or covid cover. At 7.00 a.m., former top FCO civil servant Lord Simon McDonald, published a letter telling Kathryn Stone Boris knew about The Pincher in 2019, belying claims allegations were ‘unsubstantiated’. It was news to ex-foreign minister Rabid Raab. Boris blathered to Chris Mason it was a mistake to make The Pincher a whip. Barely sensical, he ‘tried to explain’ he was ‘focused on other things’. Yeah! Saving your own skin! MPs in constituencies over the weekend asked how many boys they’d touched up and ministers sick of looking stupid fire-fighting for their boss, Rishi and Goblin Saj resigned early evening. The Goblin said: “I can no longer, in good conscience, continue to serve in this government.” Rishi wrote: “The public rightly expect government to be conducted properly, competently and seriously.” Nads Zahawi hilariously became Chancellor on the spot. Tarzan Heseltine told Newsnight it was the end. Instrumental in ousting Thatcher, he should know. 12 overnight resignations included solicitor general Alex Chalk. Boris predictably phoned Vlod.

Again up late Wednesday, I worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Keir said promoting The Pincher despite known predatory behaviour was serious; the PM handed him power and was propped up by a party defending the indefensible. A ‘charge of the very light brigade’, we needed rid of the ‘zed list cast of nodding dogs’. Boris reiterated labour had no plan, rudely pointed at the shadow cabinet and disbelieved Keir’s vow to not re-join the EU against the will of the people which had incensed Guardianistas. Ian Blackford guffawed at Boris’ hope of 3 terms in office: “If a week is a long time in politics, 10 days is a lifetime.” Instead of discussing the cost of living and Brexit, as usual, it was all about Boris. Rather than the Monty Python Black Knight, he was the dead parrot. Liz Saville said as the PM always put his political survival before the country’s interests, he was the best recruitment sergeant for independence they could wish for. Tory backbenchers on the attack, was it time to do the decent thing and resign? Lindsay Hoyle told applauding MPs they should be ashamed. Delivering a resignation statement, Goblin Saj said he wasn’t one of life’s quitters, cared deeply about public service, it was a privilege to be trusted in a tough role, nothing mattered more than people’s health, and paid tribute to all in health and social care motivated by the national interest. But they couldn’t allow division to become entrenched, treading a tightrope between loyalty and integrity was now impossible and it was unfair to be made to defend ‘lies’. He’d given the benefit of the doubt over Partygate but enough was enough, problems started at the top, that wouldn’t change, and the choice to stay in the cabinet was an active decision.

Phil headed for Leeds and I for errands in nasty drizzle, getting inflated cough sweets and PJs, £1 crop pants to use for patches on worn-out ones, and DVDs in charity shops. I stopped to reminisce with New Gran and Partner babysitting outside Corner Pub about when it resembled an after-school club.

The RCN said the end of special NHS covid leave showed how little the government cared about staff. Hospitals re-introduced mask-wearing. Unaware it’d gone away, did it explain last months’ dream? On the day of the NI threshold rise, the pound dropped against the dollar. 38 resignations by teatime the most within 24 hours in history, a cabinet delegation plus Graham Brady, waited to tell the PM time was up, as he told the public liaison committee he was getting on with governing the country. Refusing to go, he called the Glove-Puppet a snake and sacked him. Reporters stood in Downing Street battling chants of ‘Boris out!’

On the market Thursday, a customer discussed lobsters with the fishmonger. ”What about langoustines?” I asked, to get a tirade about the only Fleetwood trawler being foreign-owned. I didn’t ask did he vote Brexit! I continued onto the co-op after lunch, gardened in warm sun when Walking Friend came by on her way to town and invited me for a drink. She sat on the bench while I cleared up and The Widower walked his shorn dog past. “Has she had a haircut?” In reply, he removed his hat to display a buzzcut. “That’s dramatic!” I waited outside the pet shop then in a seething square while she erranded. Cafés shutting, I consented to Corner Pub where New Gran and Partner promptly left. “Typical! The one time I’m stopping!” I joked. Walking Friend bought us pints and herself a nibble. Saying she often sat home alone when not working or walking, I invited her for coffee anytime. We’d left Phil doing a work for Alexa. I texted ‘3 guesses’ to which he replied: ‘I only need 1!’ When he arrived, she insisted on buying another round while he ate her congealed garlic bread and made friends with a dog. Behind on the drinking, he wanted another pint, then got hungry. Her bus due, we bade thanks and goodbye. Drowsy after the beer, sleep eluded me until tinnitus suddenly stopped and the world went quiet.

Reporters had reason to stand in Downing Street for once. After a tsunami of 60 government resignations, Boris finally quit, as party leader, not PM. Deflecting blame onto his colleagues, he hastily reshuffled cabinet into a ‘caretaker government’, promising no ‘major change of direction’ ‘til election of a new leader. Phil remarked on the typical Britishness of The Pincher being the final straw after a tsunami of lies! Andrea Jenkyns gave the finger on her way to become education minister. “What a great example to young people!” I exclaimed. “It’s like a corrupt government of a loser country. They all need shoving against the wall!” John Major said the PM should go immediately and Keir threatened a confidence vote if he didn’t. Leadership contenders reaching 11 within days, Boris didn’t endorse any in case it scuppered their chances. Vlod sad, the EU were glad and hoped to ‘reset’ the relationship with the UK. NCA arrested people-traffickers and seized dinghies and paraphernalia from warehouses across Europe. Foreigners allowed at Hajj for the first time in 2 years, 1 million selected by lottery had to be under 65, vaccinated and test negative for covid. Former Japanese PM Shinzo Abe was assassinated while campaigning and Rollerball legend James Khan died.

Erase and Rewind?

A knock on the door Friday signalled Walking Friend dropping off a promised item. She asked was I alright after the pub. “Yes and no; it was lovely but there was loads of stuff I didn’t get done.” “I know. We’ll plan it next time.” Intending to go for a walk after I‘d draft-posted the journal, it was rather late and I still felt tired. Instead, I raked leaves and helped Phil rescue confused bees. Among the comings and goings, Decorating Neighbour asked if we knew anything about End Neighbour. Meant to be holidaying, she had covid. “I’ve no idea. Her daughter said nothing when we saw her Sunday” After drinking rather a lot of wine, I slept reasonably well and had a long episodic dream involving weird office-related crap.

NatWest staff on under £32,000 offered a 4% rise, Unite said it was better than a one-off payment. Oil prices up again, wind power was the cheapest ever. Keir and Rayner were cleared of breaking covid laws during beergate. Gammons whinged about woke Durham cops. Yep, just like Bristol!

Woken by mild leg cramp and loud talking outside, I rose drowsily Saturday. Making brekkie stressful in a cluttered kitchen even though I’d washed up Friday night, I wondered where the hell it all came from? Phil related a mildly racist joke (actually tweeted by Alistair Campbell in April): An Englishman, an American and an Indian walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘the usual Mr. Sunak?’ Putting recycling out, Welsh Art Friend was collecting the baby from young neighbours’ house for an outing. A recent operation explained her absence from Open Studios but she was recovering well. Other artists we’d expected to see all had covid apparently. We got lucky there after all the art events we’d attended recently! She offered to put fliers up to promote Phil’s IT services when we got round to doing them. A bit of a breeze made the warmth bearable enough to repeat my birthday walk during which we admired bright skies and blooms, ate pasties at the farm shop and gathered a few wimberries (see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

Hardly any breeze, Sunday became hot. Suffering dodgy guts, I wondered was it caused by the beer? The cheap bacon tasty but 2 rashers short of a weekend, Phil said it sounded like I’d devised an expression. Not the first neologism we’d invented. The laptop proclaimed no internet. I waited ages to send birthday greetings to a cousin, edit photos and write a haiga. On the way back from the co-op, a couple of women on the street below who’d put water out for geese, were surrounded. “You’ll never get rid of them now!” I chuckled. Sitting on the garden bench, I saw a plate of mushrooms in front of the mini-greenhouse and asked The Woman Next Door on her step were they hers? “Yes.” “What are they doing there?” “Drying.” “Well, I need access and they’re not in the sun.” She moved them to her wall. The way clear, I checked the celery to discover munched leaves and placed shards round the stalks to put the slugs off. It didn’t. Phil brought ancient chilli seeds out to pot and helped clear up. A strange man laden with eggs and berries, visited The Woman Next Door. He’d parked in the middle of street but guided him into a space before they went out. “Who’s that?” asked Phil. “How the hell should I know?” Seeing him early the next day, I speculated it was a boyfriend. We ate lunch outside, dozed, and moved from shade to sun but still hot at 6, retreated indoors. Exhausted, I wrestled with sleep in the hot, bright night and got up to gaze at stars, minimise the light, then tossed and turned to the meditation soundtrack.

On Politics North, new Levelling Up minister Lia Nici repeated the misogynistic slur that Rayner opened her legs in The House, leading to a row with Naz Shah. Widely condemned, why hadn’t the presenter called Nasty Nici out on the spot? Anticipating summer travel chaos, Operation Brock restarted in Kent. After an interminable 2 weeks, Novax won the tennis.

Already sunny at 6.30 a.m. Monday, I opened the bathroom window to let a bug out and went back to bed. interrupted my writing for a counter-signature on his high street store contract. Assuring me scribing with the laptop touchpad was easy, my signature came out as a worse scrawl than usual! We had better luck using the ipad. I performed niggly chores, greeted Next Door and Strange Man and suppressed annoyance at a lack of help (Monday was often busy for Phil too). Assembling various materials to clean a kitchen chair outside, whatever I tried, the blotches kept re-appearing. Phil had a go during a break in google work but it looked worse than ever. I decided the posh paint had gone funny, found nothing suitable in the coal-hole, searched fruitlessly online for new, and said I’d try locally. Falling asleep outside during the longest heatwave for 50 years, I showered and rested on the bed. Although muggy, I slept well that night.

Scotrail drivers agreed on 5% but Aslef voted for summer strikes. A 24 hour Post Office strike with more predicted, bosses whinged they lost £1m a day due to bad relations. Migrants carried a dinghy across a French beach and 442 later arrived in Kent. Sick of criticism for providing a taxi service, the navy didn’t want to take the lead in dealing with channel crossings. A covid lockdown shut all casinos in the Chinese gambling enclave of Macau. The 1922 committee drew up leadership race rules. Candidates needed the backing of 20 MPs and there’d be a new PM by 5^th September. Steve Barclay, tory party favourite Ben Wally, Goblin Saj (amidst tax evasion allegations), Grant Shats and unheard-of Rehman Chisti, dropped out, leaving 8 in the race Tuesday: Rishi Rich (releasing slick video Friday), Trussed-Up Liz, Tom Tughat, Penny Mordar (who withdrew her video when Johnny Peacock objected to inclusion), Kemi Babadook (who wanted to abolish teaching assistants because proles didn’t need educating), Swellen (saying she’d cut taxes as there were too many able people on benefits), The C**t and Nads Zahawi (amid yet more scandal).

Overcast but still warm, writing was hard Tuesday. As head fug and achy eyes set in, I called a halt and went to town for errands and a boogie to radio 2 in the convenience store. Two women queuing in front of me also jigged, remarking we didn’t go out dancing anymore. Heading for what used to be the paint shop, I realised it was now an Asian food store. I thought the fresh air would be invigorating but possibly due to mugginess, my head drooped as I plodded home. Noisy all day, canal works finally packed in for 10 mins peace. I measured the crop pants, cut material off the legs and made PJ patches. Still fatigued, as the sun emerged early evening, we nipped outside for some vit. D and midge bites!

Every ambulance service on red alert, trusts declared a state of emergency due to covid admissions and the heatwave. Meanwhile, Queenie awarded the NHS the George Cross. May Parsons who administered the first covid jab, was among representatives from all 4 UK nations. Heathrow told airlines to ‘stop selling summer tickets’. Now lasting until 11^th September, no wonder we could never find cheap deals anymore. Mo Farah was praised for revealing he wasn’t a child refugee but a trafficked domestic slave. The home office graciously announced they’d take no action but would investigate. £1 now worth $1.19, the Euro fell to just below $1. The war was blamed. NASA showcased cosmic pictures by the James Webb space telescope. The next day, the Chinese said they’d detected a FRB** like a heartbeat, in space.

Wednesday, Phil had an appointment for someone to collect his Leeds studio fridge. I made him a bottle of pop to take and myself coffee and watched shenanigans. On Daily Politics, Tony Danker, CBI wanted less business tax and Heather WTF Whately came out with the same old rubbish: ’I love Rishi!’ Pandemonium at the start of PMQs, Lindsay Hoyle shouted: ‘shut up! order, order!’ Alba MPs Neale Hanvey and Kenny Macaskill were marched out of the chamber to murmurs of insurrection. Keir suggested a demob happy PM free of shackles, could say what he truly thought and forget about following the rules, so was it time to scrap non-dom status? Boris not changing his response, Keir went onto a ‘simpler question’ concerning offshore schemes letting people avoid tax. The Bumbler bizarrely responded any of the leadership candidates could wipe the floor with ‘captain crasherooney snoozefest‘. What was the clown on? Keir persisting on the tories benefiting from tax scams, Boris spouted lies about tax and benefits to a line of nodding dogs on the front bench wearing white and green Srebrenica flowers. Ian Blackford boringly made no jokes.

Warmth tempered by a breeze, I ate lunch outside, cleaned under the garden bench and chatted to a woman walking her elderly cat. Interminable beeping stopped just in time for a rest. Considering going outside again, Phil’s head loomed at the window. I opened the door and replenished the coffee. He followed me to the kitchen, doing my head in jabbering excitedly about his new mate and using the music studio for his photography. About to work on the journal, he asked for assistance making videos for a google work, set up a white screen, screwed his phone on a large tripod and taught me how to record. Quick when it worked, a faff when it didn’t, we called a halt for dinner.

Bereaved families called 200,000 covid deaths ‘a damning milestone’. Resolution Foundation found the richest 10% of Brits owned 29% of disposable income. Only Greece and Cyprus had worse economic deterioration. BOE told banks to double the buffer in case of hardship. Wetherspoons lost £30m – nowt to do with Brexit, eh Tim! The SCE monster was installed in an old lido on Weston beach as part of Unboxed. Formerly known as the Festival of Brexit, there was no mention of Brexit! An extreme weather warning extended to next Tuesday, the army set fire to Salisbury Plain, competing with French and Iberian wildfires. Official buildings and posh homes invaded, instead of resigning, the Sri Lankan president fled, appointed the PM acting president, declared a state of emergency, and a curfew in the western region encompassing Colombo. Protestors then overtook the PM’s compound as grim-faced police fired tear gas and water cannons. The gold walls of a politician interviewed on Newsnight looked pricey enough to cover the national debt. A French inquiry concluded Liverpool fans weren’t to blame for the Paris match debacle 28^th May.

In the co-op Thursday, a few extras brought me above budget but I got free redcurrants from the community garden wall and saw a ringed butterfly for the first time. Storing groceries, I noticed we were low on essentials which I should’ve bought instead of luxuries. Irked by another Windows update leading to lack of productiveness and being indoors on a sunny afternoon, I announced I was going to the park.

Descending the steps reminded Phil he’d seen geese ascend the previous evening. I thought they used the zebra crossing! Today, they were all on the church lawn. We walked along the blooming towpath, where even the island below the aqueduct was festooned. The park busy after school, we bought café ice creams and squatted on stools to munch and watch an entourage of kids pursuing cyclists dressed as sloths. AS they packed up, I discovered they were advertising for festival work. Taking a long route home, we stopped to admire a buddleia when an old art classmate walked by. She stopped to chat further up. Back home, we took coffee outside and Phil fixed pegs while I faffed with a rickety folding chair before extricating broken pots from overgrown ivy. Next Door But One put currants on Next Door’s folding table, explaining the mystery. The Woman Next Door told me about the new age therapy stuff she was studying and the value of ‘precious’ wimberries and came to look at a frog on the edge of the open compost bin. I called Phil to do a rescue but it disappeared in the ivy.

Hit the Ground

Having given up the night before, editing photos and blogging was thankfully faster Friday. As I prepared to clean the bathroom, Phil nabbed the hoover for the attic. Sick of tripping over photography gear, I offered to help sort the clutter but he insisted on doing some cleaning first. Dumping dead flowers in warm drizzle (did that count as rain on St Swithin’s?), the sun came out when I went back in.

1:18 infected, JCVI advised autumn boosters be offered to the clinically vulnerable, health & care workers and the over 50’s. About time! A TUC study revealed the UK had the worst ‘real wage squeeze’ of all G7 countries. Unite’s Sharon Graham said employers making huge profits must pay workers more. On the first televised tory leadership debate, Tom Tughat was the only one who agreed Boris wasn’t honest. The others evaded the question. Asked did they trust politicians, not one audience member raised a hand. Not from Bury market then! Accused of lying over self-ID by Babadook, Mordor got in a muddle. Only capable of working from script, she proved to be quite thick beneath the veneer, supporting Lord Frosty’s claim she was useless! A red ‘extreme heat’ weather warning prompted Downing Street to declare a national emergency for next week. Phil snorted: “this country is lame!”

He got to the kitchen after I’d broken my Saturday brekkie egg and commented cooking eggs was quick. Yeah, when someone else has done all the work! I thought. Warm sun tempered by a breeze, we went on a foraging walk before the dangerous red heat arrived. Popping in the co-op, we stalked the aisles for 3 for 2 snack food which had moved. My Mate at the kiosk said something derogatory about an old man who always wore cowboy gear. “Be nice!” I admonished and let him serve The Cowboy first before he whinged about the coming heatwave. “Are you working? It’s cool in here.” “Yes but it’s getting here.” We ascended fields to a lane lined with wimberry shrubs, picked, munched pastries and admired views before discovering an easier way down (See Cool Placesⁱⁱ). Recovering from the exertions, Phil complained he was too hot. “What do you expect?” I admonished, “You don’t drink water or wear a hat or shades.”

An effort to get going Sunday, I composed a haiga and improvised redcurrant relish. Phil sorted attic stuff. Allegedly still too cluttered for me to go up, I helped dispose of boxes. Cooler and cloudy to start, he reiterated the red heat warning was a load of pants but it became fiercely sunny in the afternoon. We ate lunch al fresco and stayed out a couple of hours, avoiding buzzing bees. An old art teacher came past with his dog. He’d semi-retired and passed on event co-ordination to The Printer, and admin to Welsh Art Friend. As he knew them both, it was definitely worth Phil sticking up fliers.

Boris accused of partying and going up in an RAF tornado instead of chairing cobra meetings, Rayner said he should step down now. The home office select committee found the Rwanda ploy no deterrent. Labour shortages predicted to cost the economy £30bn a year, there were calls to reset Brexit. How did that work? 2 billion vaccinated, covid cases rose in India to a 4-month high of 20,528. The second leadership debate on ITV an hour of in-fighting, the third due to air on Sky was cancelled when Rishi Rich and Trussed-Up declined to take part. 10 armed robbers raided the Apple store in Covent Garden.

After an unusually good night’s sleep, I donned minimal clothing Monday, did small chores, saved dumped items near the recycling and undrunk tea (very nice with ice and lemon on the very hot day), and posted the haiga. The co-op top-up cheap, My Mate was keeping cool but feared travelling home. Phil interrupted my afternoon writing by melodramatically declaring a sink blockage. Fizzing the crud of limited effect, a plunger worked marvellously. Still boiling after a cold shower, resting was impossible but it was comfortable enough to sit out by 7. I asked The Widower how he was faring. Okay so far, he dreaded grandchild’s grad ceremony in Manchester the next day.

ONS data showed when 9.4% inflation was taken into account, pay fell the fastest March-May since records began. Wages grew in the public sector by only 1.5% as opposed to 7.2% in the private sector. Public sector pay offers between 4 and 5%, and no extra cash for the NHS, doctors, dentists and cops would get the most. The labour motion rejected as it would’ve forced tories to state they had confidence in Boris to avoid a general election, the government won another, strangely brought by themselves. Boris accused Keir and ‘the deep state’ of plotting to reverse Brexit. What conspiracy site had he been on? Keir said the delusion was never-ending. On the 10^th day of temperatures above 40⁰C, forest fires surrounded a train in Zamora, Spain. The UK heatwave brought record highs to Wales, slower trains on buckled rails, car breakdowns, power cuts, grounded RAF jets at Brize Norton and planes at Luton due to a ‘heat incident’ (aka melting tarmac). The ‘common sense’ brigade on Jeremy Vine joined by Charlie Mullet from his Spanish villa, guffawed at TUC advice to work from home. Notts cop chief Caroline Henry was banned from driving. Vlod sacked 60 alleged spies from the Ukrainian security service and SBU.

25.9⁰C overnight on Emley Moor, Tuesday started hot. Glare making computer work hard, I climbed step ladders to tape a space blanket over the window. Ineffective, Phil’s reflector worked better. A sirocco-type wind hit me as I opened the door; so scorching I needed a hat to put washing out! It was bone-dry by early afternoon. Phil stood in the full-on heat then sat on the bench and played plinky holiday music on his phone while I squatted on the doorstep enjoying a breeze on my neck until sweating, I retreated indoors. Phil declared even the shade too hot and pinned up the crops for me to make shorts. As the sun disappeared, the temperature dropped a few degrees but still warm and oppressive, southern showers freakily evaporated before reaching the ground.

Unsurprisingly, records were smashed all over. 37⁰C here, Bramham recorded 40⁰C, Coningsby, Lincs. 40.3 and Aysgarth Falls ran dry. Wildfires sparked major incidents in Sheffield and London where the fire service had their busiest day since WW2 and combusted horse poo in a compost heap engulfed houses in Wennington. Felled overhead powerlines at Peterborough halted East Coast mainline trains. Shats admitted the network couldn’t cope. Temperatures in Spain down to 39⁰C, they reached 41 in France. Tughat was knocked out of the leadership race in the third round of voting and Babadook in the fourth. At his last cabinet meeting, Boris got a leaving gift of Winston Churchill war books and declared himself great. Keir called him a ‘bullshitter’.

Having coped with the mega heatwave, hot flushes and sweats woke me at 5 a.m. Wednesday. It took a while to shake off wooziness. Contrary to predictions, Boris turned up for the last PMQs before summer jollies. Confidence in politicians at an all-time low, Kim Leadbeater wanted to know what advice he’d give to his successor? Boris replied he’d use the next few weeks to drive forward the agenda of uniting and levelling up and that was why they’d win again. Staying on to party and holiday more like! Keir followed up with another question of trust to which Boris waved his arms like a loon and called labour pointless plastic bollards round roadworks, with no plans of their own while the tories were outlawing wildcat strikes. Eh? They were already illegal! After falsely bragging of the ‘fastest economic growth in the G7’, his parting words were ‘hasta la vista, baby’. Heaven forfend!

Extreme heat over but still warm, we went out for fresh air, unintentionally retraced the Crossings Workshop walk and caught a glimpse of the misfit mallard (See Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

A women’s health strategy intended to address a range of issues with no money. Shats advised Doncaster council took over Robin Hood airport from Peel Group like in Teesside. As EDF got the go-ahead to build Sizewell C, five Just Stop Oil protestors who climbed gantries on the M25 were arrested. Mordor dropped, 160,000 tory members would choose between Rishi and Trussed-Up Liz. 36% aged 50-64 and 39% over 65, a tribe of ageing gammons would decide our next PM. Trussed-Up said she’d ‘hit the ground’. If only!

Fine drizzle late evening made for a fresher start Thursday. Leaden skies presaged fine afternoon sprinkles. By 5 p.m., it was as dark as winter. I drafted blogs and headed to the co-op, spotting an old pub mate for the 3^rd time in 2 weeks and scored the free trolley. Fridge failures during the heatwave meant literally not a sausage in the reduced meat section. I weaved past geese pecking at the odd green shoot amid still-dry moss between cobbles on the street below. I could only discern the youngers by dark patches on burgeoning wings and a squeak rather than a squawk. Walking Friend came round as arranged. We perused the old maps we’d found on a street corner, discussed the heatwave and Phil offered to look at her maintenance issues next week. She proposed drinks at the community pub afterwards. When she spotted our wall clock still showed GMT, Phil decided to alter it. She took her leave and I apologised for being boring. “You’re not boring.” “Yes we are. Doing domestics!” Rest impossible with beeping machinery, revving engines and screeching kids, exhaustion, tummy ache and hot flushes made me thoroughly miserable by bedtime, leading to fitful sleep and hazy dreams.

Baroness Harlot promised lessons would be learnt to inform future pandemics, in a ‘fair and robust’ covid inquiry. Witnesses compelled to submit evidence from September, public hearings would start next spring. Did she want satirical qualitative data? Testing positive for covid, Uncle Joe was doing ‘well’ isolated in the White House and taking anti-viral Paxlovid. State borrowing at an all-time high and consumer Tory leadership contenders focused on the economy. Rishi concentrated on balancing the books but Trussed-Up promised a different path, saying he and previous chancellors didn’t deliver growth, even though she’d previously endorsed their policies. Examining her pledges against a backdrop of inflation, low growth and high taxes, IFS found reversing the NI rise, cancelling the planned corporation tax rise and a moratorium on the green energy levy would cost a total of £34bn; (£4bn above current budget targets). A report by chief inspector of borders and immigration David Neel, said the home office response to the surge in channel crossings was poor, 200 absconded within 4 months of arrival and vulnerable migrants were left at risk in processing centres. As the government published its critical minerals strategy and gave Pensana £850m from the automotive transformation fund, Kwasi Modo visited the Salt End rare earth plant in Hull. Netflix lost 970,000 subscribers April-June. Subs up, maybe they shouldn’t have made their most expensive film ever, The Grey Man, wherein Ryan Gosling globe-trots and wrecks Prague.

Pride Comes Before A Fall

After cold showers all week, we luxuriated in baths Friday. I blogged while Phil spent an age getting through to Vodaphone. It was worth the wait to get unlimited texts, calls and data, for less money. Head fug setting in, I abandoned writing for a spot of housework. Chilly and darkly grey, fine rain made the crows soggy and us chilly by early evening.

As it was revealed he paid himself via tax haven assets from his hedge fund, Rishi faced more questions over his finances. Meanwhile, Trussed-Up said being a Lib Dem and supporting remain was a mistake and leaving the EU had been a huge success. The start of the summer holidays, BA staff offered an 8% rise called off industrial action, an accident on the M20 led to 14-hour queues and The Port of Dover declared a ‘critical incident’. The French blamed for ‘woefully inadequately resourcing’ 100% checks leading to 4-hour waits to clear customs, they in turn blamed a glitch in the Eurotunnel. Authorities there said it had nowt to do with it. The benefits of Brexit, eh, Liz? An ‘emotional’ Antonio Guterres brokered a deal between Russia and Ukraine to alleviate the grain crisis. Hours later, Russian missiles hit Odesa. Ukraine vowed to get the grain out regardless. Gazprom re-started Nord Stream 2 gas deliveries, at 30% of previous levels.

Saturday morning, I wasn’t sure if vertigo was from moderate drinking, a manifestation of fatigue or illness. Both flaky, we stayed home watching Midsomer Murders as there was nowt else on telly. I took recycling out and shared health issues with Decorating Neighbour who sympathised with me. Better himself, he was back working which was good. I worked on the new shorts until my fingers became sore from sewing. After dinner, Phil ran to the shop for tonic, only finding lemonade to go with gin.

A rise of 7% rather than 30%, marked the start of a dip in the latest covid wave. On BBC Breakfast, Doctors Bauld and Smith told us 1/3 were reinfections. According to the WHO, subvariants BA.4 and 5 had been rising since June. Figures released later exposed 810 covid deaths the last week of July, the smallest increase since June. An Antipodean flu epidemic was unsurprising after their extended lockdowns.

Fine rain interspersed with sun Sunday, I searched for rainbows. Seeing none, I got knobbly veg and joked with a fellow punter my cabbage would be a good Midsomer Murder weapon: “You could eat the evidence! I watch far too much of them.” “I’m not judging!” chuckled the young server. Stopping to redistribute heavy bags on the way home, I risked being run over when an onion rolled behind a reversing car and saw a ‘we are open’ sign at the erstwhile grocers. Sure I heard voices, Phil went out early evening to be offered a sausage roll by crusty vegans. Opinions divided on the local Facebook page, some said the squat was earmarked as a café bar or ice cream parlour, and others that disturbed asbestos made it unsafe.

Queuing to enter the Eurotunnel, 600 lorries waited for up to 15 hours. A fire on Lenham Heath was visible from the M20. Bill Alexander bravely ploughed a firebreak in a fellow farmer’s spring barley crop to stop the flames getting any further. Trussed-Up and Rishi Rich (in Grantham) said the Rwanda ploy was a good idea. Both seeking to emulate Thatcher, albeit from different eras, Keir laughed at ‘Thatcherite Cosplay’.

Still wobbly Monday, I posted a haiga and blocked a heap of American military trolls stacked up in Facebook ‘friend requests’. Taking rubbish out, the trellis had collapsed again and fell to bits when I picked it up. I yelled for Phil to do a quick bodge. Carrying the lunch tray, I tripped and fell forward on the kitchen steps. Screaming, I managed to keep hold and avoid breakage. Phil asked if it was a flip-flop related incident. “It’s a first if it is.” Fuming he hadn’t asked if I was hurt, I said I hated Mondays. “Why?” “They’re shit! There’s always loads to do and then even more on top of that!” ”I don’t like them either.” “So why are you asking?” “Trying to be helpful.” “Well, its’ not!” I wiped a splotch off my jeans and rolled the leg up. Expecting a bruised knee, I found an angry graze which bled when cleaned it.

A health & social care committee workforce report said with over 99,000 vacancies in the NHS and 105,000 in social care, the government failed to plan or take decisive action. A rise in childhood hepatitis in 35 countries was linked to covid lockdowns as kids hadn’t built up immunity to 2 common viruses. OBR calculated Brexit cost the economy £50 billion so far. Still in denial, Brexiteers on Jeremy Vine claimed we already had to get passport stamps when we were in the EU. Not for France we didn’t! The C**t said it was revenge for mucking up plans of a united Europe. As Tory gammons called for Boris to be put on the ballot paper, the BBC staged a head-to-head debate in red wall Stoke. Rishi criticised Trussed-Up’s idea to delay tax rises by not paying off covid debts for 3 years, as it’d lose them the next election. Keir seemed to agree, calling Trussed-Up the latest graduate from the school of ‘magic money tree economics’ and pledged a new Industrial Strategy Council to bring economic growth, proving he was just as much a global capitalist as the rest of the wankers. Confusion over whether this meant they’d ditch nationalisation, shadow ministers Rachel Reeves and Sam Tarry waded in. Keir later confirmed rail would become public as contracts ran out, but not utilities, as that meant paying compensation, according to We Own It. If you thought it was bad the Blackpool illumination red Indian display was only just junked, an arcade game allowed players to sit on a horse and shoot them. Calling it a ‘legacy piece’, it was removed from Weston’s Grand Pier after Emily Crossing complained. Eurovision 2023 would be staged in the UK. Quite right, seeing as we should’ve won!

Feeling thoroughly crap and tearful Tuesday, Phil commiserated and agreed HRT might be a good idea. Menopause symptoms compounded by money worries, it was hard to concentrate and after snapping at him over a daft niggle, I admitted the anger was really about the dire financial situation. After some harsh words, we managed to calm down to share thoughts and feelings, discuss options, laugh and hug. Seeing a payment from BG on a bank statement, I checked the energy account to find the small amount was for leccy and DD was slightly reduced, but gas payments were set to treble! I called and spoke to a barely intelligible man, eventually getting it down to double. The GP surgery only taking emergency calls in the morning, I rang after lunch and was offered an appointment next week 4 miles away. I didn’t even know the place! An ‘embargo’ on local appointments, I asked what did I need to do to get one? Phone at 8 and ‘pretend’ it’s urgent! Thinking intense night-time itching was an insect bite, the discomfort extended to other areas which felt hot even though I couldn’t see anything.

The driest summer since 1976 and the driest July since 1836 in the South East, the National Drought Group met urgently and asked customers to use less water to avoid restrictions. Another head-to-head leaders’ debate on Talk TV was halted when host Kate McCann feinted; or fell into a coma at the sheer inanity of Truss and Rishi! He later hinted at a U-turn on energy VAT. IMF growth forecasts were downgraded to 2.9% globally, 1.2% for the Eurozone, 1% in the USA and .5% in the UK because of gas prices and ‘lack of investment in skills and infrastructure’. Only Russia worse, so much for Boris’ hubris! As Italy planned to spend an extra £12bn shielding consumers from energy costs, the EU rationed gas.

Hearing a moth waking early Wednesday, I saw no sign of it. Itchiness persisting, Phil said that was why he never lied about medical urgency in case it came true! I fetched brekkie and rang the GPs. 19^th in the queue, I eventually spoke to a receptionist. About to book me the last slot at the local surgery, he exclaimed: “Oh, it’s just gone!” and arranged an advice call. The duty doctor agreed the symptoms may be menopausal but advised blood tests to rule out anything else before considering HRT. Which of course meant ringing back after 2. Being told to use antihistamines and cream, I took a pill, applied E45 (of limited help) and caught up on housework. I helped Phil design a flier for his artist’s services. “I enjoyed that,” I said. “What?” “Working together on something. Far more constructive than arguing.” “True.” Walking Friend not replying to a text, I called her to hear strange noises. About to go up regardless, my mobile rang but there was nothing at the other end. She then phoned from her landline. Informed she’d have no internet all day, that evidently meant no service at all. At her house, me and her chatted while Phil sorted maintenance issues. She asked if we wanted to go for beer. Too weary for the pub, instead, we drank freshly-ground espresso and arranged tea at ours followed by a pint Sunday. Bedtime reading was disturbed by noisy drunkards and a large moth fluttering on the lamp. The pesky blighter must’ve been there all day!

Spending not tracked and only 2% of international arrivals quarantined having covid, The PAC found it was impossible to know if the traffic lights system was worth £486m of taxpayers’ money. They also reported that £777m covid testing contracts awarded to Randox didn’t follow basic procedures and officials did nothing to address potential conflicts of interest even though they knew Owen Pattycake had direct contact with The Cock. Randox called their conclusions ‘deeply flawed and wrong’. Joining RMT pickets in the latest rail strikes, shadow transport minister Sam Tarry was sacked. Keir claimed it was over unauthorised media appearances. Owen Jones spluttered he’d had enough of Waitrose Boy Keir and John McDonnell said it was time for co-ordinated action (aka a national strike). People incensed at Maccy D price rises, I thought they were far too cheap anyway and we had bigger things to worry about, such as the practice of deducting money from UC payments to pay off debts which the Joseph Rowntree Foundation wanted scrapped.

Knackered and sweaty from cleaning the bedroom Thursday, I was forced to go to the co-op to replenish basics, where the usual foray proved even more stressful and time-consuming as they’d shifted stock and hid gaps with beer and cola – let them drink boke! The freezer deal costing more than expected, on the way out, I realised it was now 6 items for a fiver. Only 5 in the cabinet, I returned to the till and was told with carte d’or sold out, I was meant to have 2 Vienetta. “I’ll take it!” A palaver ensued of scanning for a refund, then again with the 6 items. Having seen the window cleaners’ van, I thought ours weren’t due but on slogging home, the house front was dripping. Phil said they insisted it was our turn. I raged at the inconvenience and he said I was hangry.

We ate a hasty lunch, then Walking Friend rang to say she had a problem Sunday. “Oh. I’ve just bought the stuff.” “I can still come for tea, but not the pub.” {What a shame – not!} “Come eat Vienetta!” After lodging a complaint to the co-op about shifting stock and amending it for a ‘Tales’ blogⁱⁱⁱ, I railed at lack of productiveness and looked for a late summer holiday let, eventually finding a bargain. Paying a low deposit, they cheekily took the balance the next day. Trying to rest, it dawned on me the window cleaners were right. Aware it was daft, I couldn’t stop fretting and sent them a straight-forward apology via Facebook. Their reply shirty, I reiterated it was a genuine mistake on our part and added a smiley face. Very itchy at bedtime, I researched DIY treatments and tried intensive hand cream containing glycerine which worked immediately. I later discovered sensitive bodywash helped too.

2 separate scientific studies found ‘compelling evidence’ 2 coronavirus variants originated at the Wuhan fish market late 2019. With 4 asymptomatic cases, Jiangxi district re-entered lockdown. Announcing £5.1bn quarterly revenue on the eve of a 2-day strike, CWU accused BT of ‘gaslighting’. Of 74,230 households homeless or at risk, 10,560 worked fulltime. Shelter’s Polly Neate said record-high rents and crippling bills sent people working every hour, ‘over the edge’. She called on the new PM to ‘get a grip,’ unfreeze housing benefit and build decent social homes with rents pegged to local incomes, to end homelessness for good. Maybe they could live in the Saudi Line – the vertical city to house 9 million resembled a dystopian sci-fi.

Sleep disrupted by anxiety and discomfort, I was on the verge of tears Friday. Sure the itchiness was menopausal, Phil said I should’ve had HRT years ago. “Look who’s talking, Captain Hindsight!“ I added graphics to Phil’s flier and printed a draft. Puzzled by sizing issues, we gave up and went to town, finding cough drops had gone up again, as had sweet bags. Sweet Shop Man explained the bags were bigger to fit labels on, for which the printer cost a staggering 3 grand. Phil loitered while I stood in a slow Boots queue. 2 crusties (perhaps from the squat) mocked middle-class vegans (look who’s talking!) The cashier served 1 customer and handed over change at snail’s pace. I abandoned my items and stormed out. “Surprised you lasted that long!” Laughed Phil. Sitting riverside, we discussed posters on the old grocers inciting the squatting of Air BnB’s. Town awash with 200, was it practical? Were they businesses or residential? Back home, we solved the flier misprint by converting the file format. Flitting between laptop and printer, the pocket of my combats ripped when it caught on the sofa arm. Just as I’d finished a pile of stitching!

ONS estimated 1:20 people had coronavirus in the week up to 20 July, compared to 1:17 the week before. Hospital admissions decreased from 18.2 per 100,000 to 16.3. Centrica profits 1.3bn, Shell £11.5bn and BP £6.9bn, details of fuel bill rebates revealed we’d get £66 off direct debits October and November, then £67 until March. Martin Lewis said the zombie government should do more and the rich bragged about the size of their bills. AQA began strike action, potentially affecting the release of exam results.

Saturday greyly mizzly, we predicted soggy dressing up at Pride Party in the Park. Otherwise, we’d have gone to see the Kate Bush tribute. Instead, I cleared piles of clutter in the kitchen and stitched the combats.

Sleep interrupted by raucous drunks at 3 a.m. Sunday, I stuck earplugs in, rose flushed and crampy, fetched tea and noted chilli plants on the kitchen windowsill needed thinning out. Looking for space to put them, I saw paper peeling from the living room ceiling and chunks of plaster on the sofa. I yelled up to Phil who cleared the plaster lumps, googled DIY fixes, ruminated over supplies and made the ceiling safe until he could get to a trad hardware shop in the next village . I moved furniture so we could sit on the sofa, washed and air-dried a stinky throw and picked crocosmia for a kitchen vase before a trip to the co-op. The normal scant affair, I searched for wines to use a member discount. Seeing none, I got cheap plonk. I swept up dust, showered and changed and reinstalled the throw, enjoying the late sun’s warmth before a lovely evening with Walking Friend during which we ate, drank and exhausted our 1970’s CD music collection.

Resignation honours a list of donors, JCB tory donor Lord Bamford hosted a belated wedding party for Boris and Carrie. Steve Bray stood outside Daylesford House with a banner reading: ‘corrupt tory government’. Dreadful Doris was lambasted for re-tweeting a pic of Rishi stabbing Boris in the back.

It was revealed the Prince of Wales charitable trust accepted donations from the Bin Laden family, leading to more questions. Giving no details of how they’d violated conditions of purchase, Gazprom suspended Latvia’s gas supply. England beat Germany 2-1 in the Women’s Euro Final. Winland academy advertised jobs on LinkedIn to write applications for Chinese students. A shame they were caught; I could do that!

Thanks for reading Corvus Diaries. Updates will follow later in the year.

Hasta La Vista!

*The Liquidator, Harry J Allstars

**Frequent Radio Burst

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. Tales From The Co-op Notes on life, the universe and stuff that sucks: Tales from the Co-op Vol 5 (maryc1000.blogspot.com)

Part 90 – Isn’t it Moronic?

“The gaffer picks the team, that’s how it goes and that’s how it has always gone. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about the circus of who’s in, and who’s out, who’s up, who’s down, who knew, who didn’t” (Lisa Nandy)

Reshuffle kerfuffle

An ‘arctic shot’ brought overnight lows of -8, yellow ice warnings and a freezing start to Monday. Waking early, I planned to doze until the heating came on and fell proper asleep to be woken by Phil. After warming porridge, I made a huge effort to get moving, did nasty chores and donned the sensible boots and bear coat to take a sample to the surgery before the noon deadline. Black ice lurked on partially-cleared pavements and partially-gritted roads. Small crunchy drifts huddled against brickwork. Clumps of frilly leaves shivered off by the cold, settled prettily on iced shrubs. Irked Phil hadn’t made coffee for my return, I stomped down to the South Pole to fetch it and slumped on the sofa, posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal. As the temperature rose late evening, the snow disappeared as if by magic. At bedtime, I had a EHS episode which sounded like an actual explosion and I recalled a few recent incidents but not the dates.

Lampooners pointed out Omicron was an anagram of moronic. 11 confirmed cases in the UK and the mutant’s resistance to vaccines a mystery, JCVI maintained we were still better protected with boosters and recommended all adults got one after 3 months rather than 6. 12-15 year olds would be offered a second dose of Pfizer. More cases also found in Belgium, Austria, Denmark, France, Holland and Australia, G7 health ministers met. Rose Allin-Khan berated the government for the limited mandating of face-masks: ‘Does covid not spread in pubs?’ In the wake of Storm Arwen during which 3 died, people were stuck in the Tan Hill Inn for 3 days with an oasis tribute band and the I’m a Celeb set was damaged. At a ceremony to mark Barbados becoming an independent republic, Dame Sandra Mason was sworn in as president, Rihanna became a national hero and Bonny Prince Charlie appeared as a figurehead. In a shadow cabinet reshuffle, Yvette Coop was made shadow home secretary, David Lammy shadow foreign secretary and Lisa Nandy would shadow The Glove-Puppet on ‘levelling up’.* Outlining plans for overhauling rules and procedures on politicians’ behaviour, Rayner appeared unaware of the moves leading to speculation she was blindsided. Lisa ‘couldn’t care less’ about the ‘reshuffle kerfuffle’.

I was up with the 8 o’clock alarm Tuesday. A text link allowed me to track the gas engineer but required a log in. I left it until after exercise, by which time I’d missed a call from the guy himself. I phoned him to be told he’d be 20 minutes and got dressed just in time. We directed him to the boiler upstairs and I tidied some tools away downstairs so we didn’t get sued for injury. I’d just gone back up when he wanted to know where the timer was meaning I had to go back down again, then he asked where the gas metre was. I escorted him to the cubby hole and hung around in the South Pole until he’d done. He said everything was okay but advised on age and efficiency as usual. We assured him we knew but couldn’t afford a replacement until it wore out. In the co-op later, the fresh food aisles were almost bare thanks to yet another power cut. I had a member’s offer of a quid off prosecco and biccies. I got the fizz but eschewed the Fox’s fabulously biscuits – what was festive about jammy dodgers? At the kiosk, only the furthest till was open with a notice claiming it was to keep staff safe, but two of them stood chatting with no social distancing. Being served, I was deafened and stressed out by an awful fire alarm test.

My member’s points not added, the receipt said there was a problem with my card and I had to ring the freephone number. I rang later and was subsequently asked for feedback on the call. They stupidly wanted to know why I hadn’t use the website. It wasn’t an option, you morons!

The latest restrictions came into force at 4.00 a.m., mandating PCR tests for all returning travellers, 10 days’ isolation for anyone in contact, even if vaccinated, and face-coverings on public transport and in retail settings. Secondary schoolkids were ‘strongly advised’ to wear them in communal areas. Dr. Philippa Whitford MP pointed out the 2-day wait for a PCR result was confusingly less than the virus’ incubation period In a late vote, MPs extended the measures to March 2022. The 1922 committee feared a return to a ‘pingdemic’ while labour wanted to go further and require working from home. Doing the media rounds, Jenny Harries advised minimising social contacts to slow the spread of Omicron but amid concerns of the impact on hospitality, Boris contradicted her, saying there was no need to “change the overall guidance about how people should be living their lives.” At a press conference, he promised a booster within two months to everyone eligible thanks to help from the army and new vax centres. Amanda Pritchard pleaded for more volunteers. Pfizer CE Albert Bourla said they’d already started to develop a new vaccine which would be ready in 95 days. Gérald Darmanin suggested more talks with the UK to discuss proposals for a ‘balanced agreement’ to tackle the migrant crisis were imminent. Inflation in the eurozone reached 4.9%, the highest since 1997 and TSB were to shut 70 branches.

Nonsensical

Unlike the previous day, the alarm didn’t rouse me immediately Wednesday. Preparing to go out, it started teeming down leading to a rapid change of outerwear and a mild panic before going to the bus stop. In the next town, we made a few purchases from B&M, including the Fox’s fabulously biscuits. Phil disagreed that jammy dodgers weren’t festive and they were cheaper than the co-op even with the member’s offer. Heading into the Market Hall café, The Poet hurried in and out again. I gave a hasty greeting and wondered if we had to wear masks – some people did, some didn’t. Waiting for food, I perused the mad wall art and crazy junk shelves. Adding up the bill took ages. As they were short-staffed, I posited it was normally the job of an absentee.

Arriving at the health centre slightly early, there was no queue outside. But inside, a snaky red line led to a series of differently coloured stripes and thence to treatment rooms. We shared jokes with staff about it being like the game twister and nobody knowing if vaccines worked against new variants. Allowed in together, I had my booster first. The needle hard to get in my arm, the doctor remarked: “that was quite tough.” ‘Thanks’, I thought, ‘that’ll really hurt later!’ During the compulsory 15- minute sit in the waiting room, I noted the brand stamped on our cards. Affecting a booming film voice I declared: “Moderna Spikevax! That sounds like it could fight Omicron!” We left via the back door. I was bursting for a pee. “You can have a piddle in Lidl!” quipped Phil. We got a smattering of traditional Christmas fayre from the German supermarket, then considered going in TOFs but Phil felt weird and I was knackered. A longer wait for the bus back, we gazed up at late sunlight on the hills, skeins of geese flying past pink clouds and the rescue helicopter following the ridge – was someone lost on the pike? Back home, Phil had to go back out, leaving me to heft rucksacks to the kitchen. Collapsing on the sofa, I reviewed lists and decided we’d done quite well. Phil’s reaction to Spikevax even queerer, my arm ached as expected and I developed a headache and nausea. We cheered up eating the last of the Halloween drumsticks. I sucked mine into a pixie mushroom shape. “It’s impossible to be grown up eating a lolly.” “If everyone ate lollies, there’d be world peace.” Feeling progressively worse throughout the evening, at bedtime I took ibuprofen, shuffled the pillows to make a hollow for my painful arm and settled down for a mediocre night.

UKHSA identified another 9 cases of Omicron, making a total of 22 and tried to establish links with travel from South Africa. Leaked minutes from a sage meeting revealed fears of rising infections before the booster programme was fully implemented. Andrew Hayward advised going to Plan B rather than having to endure more severe measures later on. Goblin Saj urged festive partygoers to get an LTF before revelling. Deputy CE of NHS Providers Saffron Cordery said some organisations had asked staff ‘not to mix in big groups’. Daily Mirror reported there were 2 parties at Number 10 in the run-up to Christmas 2020 against lockdown rules. Quizzed at PMQs, Boris didn’t deny they took place but said no rules were broken. Keir spluttered: “Both of those things can’t be true, prime minister. He is taking the British public for fools.” Ian Blackford added: “How are people possibly expected to trust the PM when he thinks it’s one rule for him and one rule for everybody else.” Boris retorted he was “talking total nonsense”. LFTs no longer sufficient, holiday-makers heading to Spain now had to show vaccine passes.

Snog, Attend, Avoid

Both ailing on Thursday, I managed a few exercises, skipping ones that hurt my arm and took Echinacea, with no idea if it would do any good. Checking the NHS website for booster side-effects, ours were all normal apart from Phil’s mouth tasting of rusty nails. They suggested he might actually have covid. It soon became apparent he didn’t. I braved the cold to open the window and shake blankets out before changing sheets. I then worked on the laptop until I felt very ropey with a raised temperature. During a longer siesta than usual, I had a ½ hour with my eyes shut and struggled to rise. After dinner, the symptoms felt decidedly flu-like. Unable to keep my head up, I went to bed to watch a crap telly film.

At 53,945, UK daily cases were the highest for 4 months. 73,000 new infections in Germany, the unvaccinated were banned from public places such as non-essential shops. JVCI bod Prof Finn awaited approval from MHRA on jabs for 5-12 year olds. Dr. Albert Bourla of Pfizer said it was a good idea. Well, he would, wouldn’t he? On top of 35m extra doses of Pfizer, 60m Novavax and 7.5m GSK/Sanofi, government ordered another 114 m doses of Pfizer and Moderna in preparation for annual jabs during the next 2 years. Contracts allowed modification to tackle new mutants. 79% effective against serious illness, GSK’s anti-viral drug Sotrovimb was approved for use on the obese and diabetics over 60. Therese Coffee-cup advised against ‘snogging under the mistletoe’ and George Freeman suggested we keep Christmas parties small. Downing Street responded that wasn’t in the guidance. Anger mounted at reports Micron called Boris a clown and a knucklehead. They wouldn’t be snogging under the mistletoe, then! On Newscast, Sadiq Kahn defended the trad fir tree gift from Norway against complaints of scrawniness. He wouldn’t have ‘a word said against it’. Meanwhile, the Tesco Covid Pass Santa ad was deemed okay.

Phil still struggling Friday, my flu-like symptoms had gone apart from a snuffle. The jabbed arm less sore, I did exercise and went to the co-op. Gaps in the chiller sections persisted after the power cut but I found what we needed before Phil caught me up at the till to help with carrying. During lunch, I knocked a glassful of water all over the small coffee table and dug out a Christmas-themed lampshade cover to replace the one that got wet. While Phil cut his hair, I fruitlessly searched the internet for gifts.

After the BMA encouraged people to ‘avoid large groups’ and Prof Openshaw said he wouldn’t feel comfortable going to Christmas parties, labour cancelled theirs but tories didn’t. Oliver Dowdy advised: ‘keep calm and carry on’. So, you had to wear a mask travelling in a bus or taxi to a party, but you could snog a complete stranger under the mistletoe when you got there!

A South African study showed reinfection with Omicron was possible but weren’t sure if that was the case among a heavily-vaccinated population. CovBoost found that the body’s T cell immune response after a booster could offer good protection from hospitalisation and death although it wasn’t yet tested on Omicron. Moderna came out top. Obviously that Spikevax! Homes still without power a week after Storm Arwen, the army were sent to help households in North East Scotland and County Durham and Ofgem launched an urgent review into the response of power suppliers. From the metro news quiz, we learnt young female Afghan footballers rescued by Kim Kardashian, practiced at Elland Road. “I won’t have a word said against her now,” declared Phil. “Yes, she’s not completely useless!”

Dark, cold and wet with wintry showers Saturday, I stayed in, finished the Christmas card and sorted the spice cupboard. I combined duplicates, expunged mystery bits, and told Phil which to buy from the shop. Town deserted for once, he found no fresh stuff and got another duplicate dried condiment instead. The first taste of German gingerbread took me right back to childhood and I moronically crooned: “It’s beginning to taste a bit like Christmas.”

Sunday drier and brighter, I rose early and waited impatiently for Phil to wake. The geese had recently taken to wandering onto the street below to peck at moss and eye the lovely grass of the flat’s garden. Thwarted by the gate, there was lots of squawking. Phil seemed amazed when they went down the steps. “Why not?” I asked, “they’re not daleks.” “They are a bit like daleks.” “Yes, Exterminate! Exterminate!” I put recycling out, swore at neighbours parked right outside the door, and went to town. People stuffing food in their gobs made the farmer’s market resemble a food court, but then the whole town was like that most weekends. Not heaving, the knobbly veg stall-holders said it was at 9.00 a.m. Go figure! The Winter Art Fair also quiet, arty mates agreed the lack of punters was weird. In the Art Mill, I chatted to Photography Friend and her partner. Verging on adulthood, she’d reluctantly let her son to go to a party in Huddersfield. Phil came to join us and we perused an exhibition. He was quite taken by techniques used on the expensive monochrome photos. On the way home, beady-eyed jackdaws coveted a pie being eaten on a riverside bench, inspiring a haigaⁱ. While the corner pub was deserted, the pavements on the main road were oddly crammed. Twilight glowing orange through the living room window, Phil called it ‘lambent light’. A new one on me, it sounded like a clever photographer’s term. I blamed the posh exhibition.

86 new cases of Omicron in the UK, the 246 total were concentrated in London and Scotland where they were linked to a Steps concert. More travel restrictions required pre-departure tests for incoming travellers from Tuesday and Nigeria was added to the red list. They called it ‘travel apartheid’. The Observer depicted Omicron as a Death Star. Molnupiravir aka Lagevria, was approved for vulnerable people with severe symptoms to take at home.

On the Marr, South African scientist Willem Hanekom confirmed the mutant spread very fast, was now dominant, caused re-infection but milder illness, and mainly affected unvaccinated younger people. UK scientific adviser Mark Woolhouse said the travel rules were “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted’. Willem agreed it was a waste of time and damaging to the South African economy. The Pope went to Lesbos to meet migrants and criticise Europe for indifference to the suffering of desperate people.

*the catchily re-named Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 85 – Things That Go Bump In The Night

“Working people are being asked to pay more for less, for three simple reasons: economic mismanagement, an unfair tax system and wasteful spending” (Rachel Reeves)

A Bumpy Ride

Still tired and achy Monday, Phil helped with chores and manically cut his hair while I posted blogs. Attempting to get errands done, I went to the co-op to find it shut due to a power-cut. Staff guarding the door told me it was the second outage that day. Despite tummy ache, Phil went to town in the evening for supplies. Anxious about next day’s appointment, I took a pill to aid sleep.

As expected, kids on half-term could get jabbed at centres. Stephen Powis advised working from home but on Jeremy Vine, Charlie Mullet said it was bad parenting akin to being a benefits cheat. Prof Openshaw found 1:55 infected unacceptable and “connected with the lack of clear messaging about sensible measures (we could take)…to reduce (spread).” Warwick University reported 11% of covid clusters last summer were caused by ‘eat out to help out’. No comment from Rishi Rich, premature budget details presaged national wage rises and an end to the public sector pay freeze. Unhappy at the leaks, Lindsay Hoyle scolded: “At one time, ministers did the right thing if they briefed before budget – they walked.” He accused them of treating MPs discourteously: “This house will not be taken for granted. It’s not right for everybody to be briefed, it’s not more important to go on the news in the morning, it’s more important to come here.” WMO* warned CO2 levels rose at a faster rate in 2020, the pandemic made little impact and there was ‘no time to lose’. Petteri Taalas called the upward trend ‘way off track’. As too was Boris as he told children recycling plastic was a waste of time and he didn’t think COP26 would achieve anything. Number 10 hastily issued a correction. Extinction Rebellion blocked the City of London, the Met cleared it by midday and arrested 53. In the fifth week of the volcanic eruption, a giant lava fountain spewed from Cumbre Vieja.

Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for my appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for the dreaded appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date timetable, Phil worried it was the wrong stop and wandered off to the main one. I gave chased shouting: “it can’t possibly be that one! I checked google 3 times!” We distracted ourselves from the stress by admiring willow curlews made by schoolkids installed in the chapel gardens (see below) until the bus arrived. An elderly couple tried to get on to be told drivers were changing over and it wasn’t leaving for 10 minutes. Obviously regulars, we should have asked them to confirm the stop. When the new driver turned up, he was rebuked for tardiness. The elderly couple chatted to the driver for ages then I had to repeat our destination 3 times! But it was a very cheap and scenic ride in the autumn sun. At the other end, we were assaulted by vicious wind and I was assaulted by anxiety and unpleasantness while Phil waited patiently. In time to catch the last bus back, it took a different route, bypassing settlements to crazily speed over desolate moors in the gloaming and arrive in darkness. Exhausted after the bumpy ride, I was glad of Phil’s support and his naughty but nice fry-up dinner.

Prof Pollard said the UK’s high covid rates were due to 10 times more testing than ‘some countries’. Owen Patterson was found to have broken lobbying rules on behalf of Lynn’s Country Foods and Randox (awarded testing kit contracts). Meanwhile, PAC found TIT outcomes were ‘muddled‘, aims ‘under-achieved’ and an £37 bn budget badly managed with over-reliance on consultants. Idiot Jenny Harries said they played “an essential role in saving lives every day.” The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) said current plans would only cut greenhouse gases 7.3% by 2030, nowhere near the 55% needed. Inger Anderson barked: “The world has to wake up to the imminent peril we face as a species.” Tory MPs blocking an amendment to the Environment Bill making it illegal for water companies to tip sewage into rivers, were named and shamed. Boris hastily reversed the decision. Bezos planned the Orbital Reef space station as a ‘mixed use business park’. Jeez!

Big Bumps

Wednesday brought a Westminster marathon – PMQs, the budget & spending review and response. Keir isolating again and Angela Rayner on bereavement leave, Ed Millipede led PMQs, to raucous applause. He started on the need to halve emissions this decade and cited the UNEP report: “does the PM acknowledge how far we are from the action required?” Boris insisted commitments were made, it was too early to tell if they were enough and we should recognise how far we’d moved. Red Ed said it was easy making promises for 30 years’ time but harder to make them for now. COP26 wasn’t a photo-op, or about climate delay, they mustn’t shift the goalposts and had to focus on 2030, not the end of the century.

Rishi Rich began by bigging up the economy’s strength and growth, proving their plan was working. He said the budget was about investment in a high-skilled economy and levelling up. Increases for all departments and devolved administrations included more dosh for housing, the removal of unsafe cladding and a reduction of rough sleeping by 1/3 (why not 3/3?) The anticipated re-invention of Sure Start took the form of A Start for Life and extending The Holiday Activity and Food Programme indicated caving into Rashford. More money would also come for SEN school places, youth clubs, football pitches and pocket parks, whatever they were – all viewed as inadequate to address missed education during lockdowns. Levelling up entailed projects in 100 towns across the UK including Ashton. It was a shame Rayner wasn’t there to ask if that meant she got a pocket park! His so-called ‘infrastructure revolution’ entailed investment in innovation and R&D. More money was pledged for core science, FE, T levels, the lifetime skills guarantee and ‘multiply’ to tackle innumeracy – which would be unnecessary if they hadn’t stripped basic skills bare under austerity. And what about literacy? “They don’t want more literate people realising what a load of rubbish they are!” observed Phil. On top of increases in the national wage and unfreezing public sector pay, Universal Credit claimants would keep more of their earnings. Other giveaways entailed a UK prosperity fund to match EU funding, less domestic air passenger duty, cancellation of a fuel duty rise, slashed bank profit tax, extended tax relief for museums, lower business rates for retail, hospitality and leisure and cheaper registration of boats under the UK flag (pirate rejoice!). Alcohol duty was ‘streamlined’ with more tax on high-strength booze and less on fizzy wine, draught beer and cider. “Hipster relief!” we cried. Rishi said this was all possible because we’d left the EU. It didn’t escape notice that he spent more time talking about booze than climate change, and failed to mention rail, care, the unemployed or violence against women.

Rachel Reeves accused Rishi of living in a parallel universe, saying with the cut in fizz and bank taxes: “at least bankers on short-haul flights sipping champagne will be cheering this budget today.” They wouldn’t be paying for “the highest sustained tax burden in peace time”, nor would property speculators. No; it would be working people. Well, I observed, tories would always do anything other than tax their rich mates! Wage rises were slated for not keeping pace with soaring energy prices and taxes. GMB Sec Gary Smith said the announcements were ‘vague at best’ and ‘it all reeks of vacuous gesture politics’ Was he thinking about Rishi’s budget-eve Insta pics in sliders? The next day, the OBR warned the cost of living could be the highest for 30 years and IFS advised living standards would fall with low wages and high prices causing ‘real pain’ to the lower paid. Paul Johnson said: “this is not a set of priorities which looks consistent with long-term growth or indeed levelling up.” The Resolution Foundation added that the poorest fifth would be £280 a year worse off. Meanwhile, Rishi went to Bury market, bought sweets and called it Burnley. Addressing criticism of the fuel duty cut, he vacuously said there were “lots of different ways” to tackle climate change.

The interminable proceedings made lunch long overdue. I was offered a follow-up appointment, conveniently in Tod next Monday, and went to the co-op. Shelves patchy after the outages, I just got essentials. A Woman almost bumped into me at the till. The cashier asked her to retreat. “I’m sorry,” said the woman. “I forgot my mask.” “Everyone forgets sometimes but distance would be good,” I replied.

Severely unrested Thursday, I awoke in darkness to the sound of pouring rain. Phil noticed a dripping hot tap. Thinking he blamed me, I listed faux pas I’d let slide. “You were saving them up. That’s what women do!” he jibed. “No, I was trying to avoid arguments.” I’d just settled with coffee when the jolly Ocado deliverer arrived. Blustery all day, it felt cold going to town in the afternoon. The market depleted due to half-term and lateness of the hour, I chatted to Councillor Friend at the cheese stall, pleased the pain from her knee replacement 5 weeks ago had eased. In the convenience store, I caught the end of a staff gossip: “I thought Boris had announced another lockdown.” I suspected sarcasm about day-trippers. Sweet Shop Man said my throat sweets were scarce, advised stocking up and complained everything was hard to get. “And you can’t get the staff either!” he quipped. Two shop-girls pretended not to hear. I hurried home, became tired and wondered why I was rushing. Maybe it was the cold, although the quick scoot did warm me up. The sink full again, I had a gripe. “I’m busy!” Phil retorted “Okay, but don’t put a cast iron pan on top of breakfast bowls!” He sprung into action, washed up and helped hang washing.

On BBC Breakfast, Pat Valance told us to eat less meat and fly less. He should tell Rishi! Government scrapped the red list in time for COP26. From Monday, double-vaccinated travellers needed to self-isolate but not in quarantine hotels. Some scientists said it was too soon – 90% of people still had antibodies but they were waning. Devi Sridhar expected more cases in Glasgow due to the summit but couldn’t say if it’d be a bump or a wave. Clement Beaune took ‘retaliatory action’ for Britain not sticking to The Trade and Co-operation Agreement. A fishing boat was fined and scallop vessel Cornelis ordered to Le Havre, detained and instructed to attend court at a later date. Macduff Shellfish insisted they’d fished legally. The French subsequently threatened to not let British boats land, Useless George said two could play that game and Liz Truss summoned the French ambassador. Richard Hughes of OBR informed us Brexit would reduce GDP by 4% in the long term, more than the pandemic at 2%. The Brazilian senate unsurprisingly voted to prosecute Bonzo but as it was up to chief prosecutor Augusto Aras, it probably wouldn’t happen.

On Question Time, airhead Lucy Frazer insisted we were £500 a year better off after the budget. How did she work that out? She said cutting domestic flight duty was nothing to do with climate change while entrepreneur Jenny Campbell claimed she listened to David Attenborough but somethings had to wait until the economy got going again. We can’t wait, you moron! Discussing the fishing spat with France, Maitta Fahnbulleh of New Economics Foundation called the post-Brexit bumps ‘big bumps’.

Bangs and Crashes

Iffy again on a darkly dull Friday, I managed a few exercises and some housework, drafted the journal and made traditional Lancashire parkin – messy but yummy!

Although hospitalisations were up, Prof Ferguson said covid infections were dropping so we didn’t need plan B. But the ONS found rising rates across the UK and 1:50 had the virus last week, the same number as in the second wave. The Prof also said the 6-month gap for boosters was arbitrary. Err, I thought it was based on the science! Reflecting on her choice of language, Rayner apologised unreservedly for calling tories scum. Arnie came on BBC Breakfast to say we could terminate climate change and Greta Thunberg joined protestors outside Standard Chartered Bank in the City of London to demand big finance stop funding fossil fuels. Jeremy Vine asked: should we give kids fruit instead of sweets on Halloween? Brandishing a bag of wiggly worms, we hoped they didn’t contain cannabis. “I wouldn’t put it past him to buy the wrong ones!” Police later warned parents in Rochdale to be on the lookout for laced sweets.

Fortunately, flooding didn’t reach our area over the rainy weekend. Phil doing my hair took most of Saturday. Chopping knobbly veg for dinner proved hard work even with a joint effort and took ages to cook. As the clocks went back, I looked forward to the extra hour but slept badly.

Thus I struggled to Thus I struggled to rise Sunday and dossed for hours. So much for the extra hour! In contrast, Phil slept loads but had tummy ache again. I wrote a haigaⁱ, draft-posted blogs, worked on a Christmas card, and helped him make cinder toffee. A first outing for the sugar thermometer, we watched eagerly for the red line to hit ‘hard crack’. “We could sell that!” he joked. The mixture bubbling insanely when the bicarb was added, we left it to settle before tasting – spot on! I prepared bowls of sweets and fruit in case of trick or treaters but we got none. No surprise with the heavy rain although that didn’t deter residents of the posh hall across the valley banging off fireworks.

Commuter journeys less than half, leisure trips were 90% of pre-pandemic levels. On the eve of COP26, WMO reported the last 7 years were the hottest ever recorded globally. The G20 met In Rome where Boris told leaders it was ‘last chance saloon’ for climate commitments. This saving the planet lark involved a lot of flying about! He admitted ‘turbulence’ with France over fishing, saying they might be in breach of EU law. Look who’s talking! Macron retorted it was a test of British credibility. The next day, Number 10 denied an end to the war, Boris said it was up to the French and Lord Frosty Gammon considered legal action.

With Bulb Energy on the edge of collapse, Red Ed told Marr we needed a different model for managing the supply chain. Interviewing Greta Thunberg, she was less concerned about not being invited to speak at COP26 than under-representation of poor countries. She said leaders said things to sound good and look good, putting all their eggs in the new tech basket was naïve and there was a pattern of governments proving climate action wasn’t a priority for them. (e.g., reducing air tax). Parts of Cumbria and Hawick flooded, residents were evacuated and trains couldn’t get to Glasgow. Two trains collided at a Y-shaped junction at Fisherton Tunnel, Salisbury. The crash hurt 13 passengers and left a driver with ‘life changing’ injuries. Cause unknown, the line would be closed for several days.

I went up early and set the alarm for Monday’s appointment. During a turbulent night, I had a funny dream entailing the cross-country bus and an uphill walk. “What are we doing?” I asked Phil, “we’re meant to be going to Tod.” The dream proved prophetic…

*WMO – World Meteorological Organisation

Reference:

i. My https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 83 – Truth Washing

“What a surprise: a committee led by the previous health secretary and which exclusively spoke to his friends in government, found that the deaths of 150,000 people were ‘redeemed’ by the vaccine roll-out” (Hannah Brady)

No Surprises

Unrested after a bitty night, I forced myself up Monday and got through the routine chores with remarkable efficiency. I then started putting decorating stuff back in the coal hole when a tin of white paint leaked all over, creating more work, backache and ill humour. After posting blogs, I hung sheets on the line. Although the sun didn’t reach that side of the house, a warm breeze dried them quickly and made them less smelly. For dinner we made use of discounted hot dogs and spare lentils to make a casserole. Phil said it was no surprise it was a triumph!

The Welsh Covid Pass was introduced for access to events and clubs. Other places such as care homes could follow. Damian Hinds said Boris’ holiday was important for the country; he needed time to relax and unwind but not too much as he was constantly in touch, being briefed and still in charge. Shadow minister Pat McFadden retorted he didn’t care where The Bumbler was as it was just as chaotic when he was here: “What I want is grip from the government and we haven’t got that at the moment.” A spokesman insisted government departments were working together on how to support business through the energy crisis. A freedom of information request revealed that of 750 cops accused of sexual misconduct in the past 5 years (excluding The Met), only 34 were dismissed. The Draconid meteor shower lit up Northumberland skies and Airbus tested Zephyr. The solar-powered aircraft intended to bring internet to unconnected areas, flew for 18 days in the stratosphere. Meanwhile, scientists got excited that radio waves from distant stars detected by the LOFAR telescope, could lead to the discovery of habitable planets in the goldilocks zone.

Midweek turned grey and I turned ropey. Tuesday, I persevered with housework, writing and shopping. As meandering high school kids cluttered up the co-op, I scarpered out the back door. Skirting two white vans blocking the street below on the way back, I was about to swear when a delivery man politely asked did I live there. The other van belonged to the window cleaner. His son smiled at me from the passenger seat while his dad nattered with Poet Neighbour. After sorting the load, I attempted more writing but got sharp pains in my head and had a lie down.

AZD7442 antibody shots was found to halve the risk of severe covid in people who couldn’t take vaccine. As Brian Madderson of the Petrol Retailers Association said there were still shortages due to tankers not being in the right place, CF Industries found a longer-term solution to the crisis that halted production last month. Gareth Stace of UK Steel called the expected help for other power-hungry industries in the form of taxpayer-backed loans, a sticking plaster. ONS reported workers on payroll rose to a record 29.2 million August-September but vacancies rose to 1.2 million. In a bid to restore public trust, all police forces would review alleged violence against women, incidents of indecent exposure and vetting practices. Maggie Blyth would lead the NPCC’s work and co-ordinate action across England and Wales. Swampy and fellow eco-warriors planned to stay in tunnels under the path of HS2 at Aylesbury until Christmas.

A report by the S&T and H&SC committees into government’s handling of the pandemic said nothing we didn’t already know or that I hadn’t been saying since March 2020. It labelled the early response ‘one of the most important public health failures the UK has ever experienced’ but said the situation improved with vaccine development and treatments. Doing the media rounds, minister Stephen Barclay refused to acknowledge mistakes or apologise to bereaved families, reiterating the idiotic mantras about learning lessons and knowing things now that we didn’t then. Hannah Brady of Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice called the report ‘laughable’ and wryly observed it was no surprise that they found 150,000 deaths were ‘redeemed’ by the vaccine, adding: “this is an attempt to ignore and gaslight bereaved families.” Fellow campaigner Fran Hall came on Newsnight to ask Aaron Bell what lessons had been learnt? The Bell-end blathered about being prepared for flu (which they weren’t), following official scientific advice and criticism being all very well with the benefit of hindsight. Rory Stewart revealed he was accused of populism by Jenny Harries for suggesting simple measures such as masks early on. Fran wanted someone to take responsibility. Bell-end admitted the PM was ultimately accountable but said it wasn’t about pointing fingers; systems needed to be interrogated. Rory retorted it wasn’t enough and should be a massive wake up call for a “smug, closed government that doesn’t accept any external challenge.”

Trust Issues

Sleep mediocre, it was again an effort to rise Wednesday. I posted ‘Wonders of Ulverston’ on Cool Places 2ⁱ and tried to draft a guest blog for The Researcher. Looking at other contributions, I was fairly sure a friend had written two of them (an artist, TV star and writer to boot!) Slowness and glitching presaged a software update while a glitch on the NHS app caused chaos for travellers unable to get a QR code.

Two more unheard-off energy companies went bust and rail freighters reverted to diesel because electric was too expensive. Amid HGV driver shortages, containers backed up at Felixstowe and Maersk re-directed ships to European ports. Port bosses and toy retailers told consumers to stock up on Christmas tat, but Rishi Rich and Tim Morris of UK Major Ports Group said don’t panic buy. After Lord Frosty Gammon complained the Northern Ireland protocol wasn’t working and had to change, the EU proposed to significantly reduce red tape, address looming bans on products like sausages and give Westminster a more consultative role. Refusing to extricate the European Court of Justice, Maros Sefcovic said their role was essential for the province to retain single-market access. A new round of talks was expected in the coming weeks. While Lord Frosty insisted everyone in government knew what they were signing, The Scumbag unsurprisingly said Boris didn’t, Jenny Chapman claimed they were using a spat with Brussels to distract from their own failures and Leo Varadkar said it showed you couldn’t trust the Brits. 11 EU countries backed France in calling on the UK to abide by the agreement for continuity of fishing round Jersey. Hate crime up 9% in the year to March 2021, 12% for racially-motivated crime, The Home Office cited ‘trigger events’ such as BLM protests but campaigners blamed misinformation and conspiracy theories linked to the pandemic. Will Shatner aka Captain Kirk, went to the edge of space in Bezos’ New Shepard rocket. After spending 10 minutes going to 350,000 feet, the oldest man to leave earth became emotional. Prince Wills criticised space tourism, saying we should make this planet better rather than blasting off elsewhere.

After a fretful night,Istole myself Thursday to read information for an appointment the next day, sorted logistics and chatted through anxieties with Phil. Despite reassurances, I couldn’t concentrate on writing. About to go shopping, Phil asked should he come? It was a good job he did; even with gaps on shelves, I loaded a trolley thanks to reduced items and practically the last ‘5 for a fiver’ deal from an almost-empty cabinet. Attempts to compartmentalise a failure, I took a mild valerian to calm my brain and tried to rest. My body relaxed but I couldn’t stop my thoughts wandering. A similar story at bedtime, I had a truly dreadful night – neither the chill pill nor the meditation soundtrack aided sleep.

Up 13% in a week, 45,606 new daily covid cases was the highest since July. With 7,024 hospitalised, Witless said it’d be a tricky winter and GPs were instructed to see people face-to-face to ease pressure on A&E. More money was pledged for locums who didn’t exist and ‘league tables’ would show up those who didn’t. Many countered that patients liked zoom consultations and The C**T said it wouldn’t turn the tide. Obviously expecting a grilling from doctors, Goblin Saj missed the RCGP conference*, saying he was clearing his diary to fight for the NHS. While doing a round of media interviews, he apparently didn’t have time to read the damning report – obviously 150 pages was too much for him. Pig farmers and processors welcomed help with storage and temporary 6-month visas for butchers but warned it needed to happen quickly to be any use. Customer’s bills to go up another £45 because of bombed companies, National Express had enough fuel until 2023 but not enough drivers. Wednesday, Insulate Britain blocked roads, got dragged off by motorists and unglued and arrested by police. They then suspended protests until 25^th October to hand-deliver a letter to Number 10. After staff allegations and a vote of no confidence, North Yorkshire PCC Philip Allott said he wouldn’t resign and hoped to rebuild trust. By evening, he’d stepped down, saying it was the honourable thing. Well, it would have been if he’d gone straight away!

On Question Time, Prof Rob Winston said scientists shouldn’t be blamed for failures during the early stages of the pandemic and none of the evidence presented to the Lords S&T committee was made public. Criticising the last 2 health minister, he told us the Lords asked The Cock questions every day and got no answers and The C**t left the department in a mess ‘with no remorse’. Tory Penny Mordaunt maintained people did their best at the time, but the report flagged up important lessons which needed to be learnt as we weren’t through it yet. Labour’s Alison McGovern lamented a lack of cross-party discussions and former aide Sam Kusumo admitted government was accountable and should have included local and international leaders in decision-making. Economist Anne McElvoy wanted Saj to apologise for not reading the short, clear report: “mistakes in England were on a scale that is not acceptable.” She trusted a public inquiry would reveal the trade-offs made between public health and the economy. Moving on to the fudge over an ‘oven-ready’ Brexit, she called the Northern Ireland protocol a bodge but hoped ‘tweaks’ would make it work. Penny insisted the agreement was signed in good faith, wasn’t meant to impact negatively on the people of Northern Ireland and the EU now realised change was needed to eliminate trade friction.

Sportswashing

Hardly sleeping all night, there was no way I could go anywhere Friday. Exhausted and distressed, I lay dozing until Phil made moves. I fetched tea and opened the curtains to view the colourful pre-dawn sky adorned with a bright star (or was it a planet?) We again discussed my worries before I phoned to cancel the appointment. Phil left me to rest but it was futile as streaming sunlight replaced darkness. Giving up, I ventured down for coffee and a short spell on the laptop. Head drooping after lunch, I went back to bed, alternately reading and trying to sleep; impossible with an ultra-bright sun and whirring mind. Slightly less fatigued by evening, we indulged in pizza, wine and escapist films.

43,000 incorrect PCR results 8^th September-12^th October, halted test analysis at the Immensa Health Clinic Ltd. Lab in Wolverhampton. Jenny Harries of UKHSA trusted only a few thousand were infectious. Travellers returning from red list countries would only need a LFT from 24^th October and the fully-vaccinated could go to the USA from 8^th November. Shats announced the limit on the number of deliveries foreign lorry drivers could make while in the UK would be lifted for up to 6 months. Popular Southend MP David Amess was stabbed to death at his surgery in Leigh-on-Sea. 25 year old Ali Harbi Ali was arrested. Another success for the ‘prevent’ agenda – not! I predicted calls for protection for MPs out in the community would finally be acted on because he was a tory, albeit a nice one.

Extreme tiredness led to improved sleep over the weekend but insufficient to make up the deficit, I stayed home. Saturday, I cleared overgrowth near the garden. Phil went to the shop and reported the corner pub heaving with punters wedged like sardines. Sunday, I installed the Halloween tree, wrote a haiga using a picture from last week’s visit to the cloughⁱⁱ and took photos of our fuchsia – still blooming and buzzing with bees.

As anticipated, Patel came on Marr to say there would be measures to protect MPs in their constituencies, after a review overseen by Lindsay Hoyle. Ambassador Andrei Kelin told him Russia could do more to help with the gas crisis if their Nord Stream 2 pipeline was approved. He didn’t mention that with only 29% vaccinated, Russia experienced a record number of covid cases and around 1,000 deaths per day over the weekend. At Newcastle United’s first game since a Saudi take-over earlier in the month, human rights activists parked a van displaying murdered Jamal Khashoggi outside St. James’ Park. Toon fans may have thought anyone was better than Rick Astley, but others saw it as sports-washing.

*RCGP – Royal College of General Practitioners, not the Revolutionary Communist Party (if they’re still a thing)

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 82 –People Just Do Nothing

“As ever, this political jester came up with nothing but hot air” (Manuel Cortes)

Hear Nothing

Haiga – Shadow Play

After posting blogs Monday, I succeeded in entering meter readings and book a service on the British Gas website. Unable to get a date before the year’s homecare cover expired, I subsequently rang to negotiate a refund and reduction for next year, with added drainage and leccy cover we’d probably never use. Disturbed by scraping noises under the window in the afternoon and by night-time fretting, I had little rest.

Refusing to resign, Caressa Dick promised to review police standards and culture and investigate specific issues in the Parliamentary and Diplomatic Protection Command. Yvette Coop said it wasn’t enough. In Manchester, Boris claimed there was no need to make misogyny a crime as there were enough laws already, and Patel announced an independent inquiry into the ‘systematic failures’ allowing Couzens to be a cop. Rishi Rich told conference there’d be more help for AI jobs, no chance of tax cuts until we’d recovered from the pandemic and ‘managing the cost of living’ wasn’t a soundbite. You could have fooled me! Helen Waffle then waffled on Newsnight about bootcamps getting people into jobs. Facebook, Insta and WhatsApp went down for 6 hours. Cause unknown, shares plummeted and Mark Zuckerberg lost £4.3 billion. Ex-executive Frances Haugen informed senators he cared more about profits than kids.

Olive Faces

During exercise Tuesday, a burp gave me backache. Phil heedlessly sprung into action and I struggled on with chores and writing. Inspired by Phil’s hilarious creative efforts the day before, I made faces with lunchtime humus and olives. Somehow, they didn’t engender the same level of hysterics.

Going shopping in nasty cold rain, the co-op was also horrid. Parents and kids ambled and gabbed all over the shop. One family edged closer behind me at the till. I was trying to hurry when a chubby girl pushed my goods down the conveyor.

“Excuse me! Do you mind not touching my stuff?” I snapped. Shocked at actually being told off, she cowered. I rushed home where Phil had helpfully hung washing up and cleared kitchen tops for groceries, but I still managed to tip veg on the floor. Finding wet clothes placed on top of almost-dry stuff on the rack upstairs, I became frustrated by the niggles and lay on the bed.

School absences due to infections went up 2/3 at the end of September. Neil Ferguson warned the UK had little headroom compared to other countries before the NHS became ‘heavily stressed’ because of the ‘political decision to ‘live with covid’. He advised Plan B (masks, passes and working from home). Israelis had to have a third vaccine shot to keep the Green Pass and New Zealand abandoned their ‘zero covid’ strategy. Phased re-opening would start in Auckland. As Insulate Britain stopped ambulances getting through and scrapped with motorists, Roger Hallam of XR said they were right to block roads. Arrogant nob Liam Norton came on Jeremy Vine to not hear what anyone was saying and preach. He later apologised outside the High Court. At conference, Boris called them ‘irresponsible crusties’ and Patel announced increased penalties for disrupting a motorway and the criminalisation of interfering with key infrastructure such as roads, airports and railways. HS2 unlikely to come north, it was estimated tunnelling protestors at Euston last year cost £3.5 million. Simon Gass met the Taliban in Doha to discuss humanitarian aid, threats of terrorism, safe passage, treatment of minorities and women’s’ rights. Resulting in no action, it seemed they heard little.

Say Nothing

Ethereal Clouds

Hoovering the living room Wednesday, I felt overwhelmed by housework, got upset and slumped on the sofa. Phil sympathised and asked how he could help. I ranted that I never felt on top of chores but that wasn’t the real issue. Very sunny and warm, he thought lunch at the tearooms would cheer me up. Among a plethora of wildlife on the patio, a dying wasp stung Phil’s hand. His jumping and shouting alerted the waitress who asked if he needed anything. I suggested hot water (but as I later wondered was it cold, he tried both). A guy I knew from art class and his partner sympathised from the next table. While eating, we joked about Boris’ speech probably not mentioning Brexit, the latest antics of the French, and speculated on Barnier becoming the next president. As a trio proudly brandishing the daily express took the place of our acquaintances, I muttered: “What were you saying about gammons?” I adopted a nonchalant air, gazing up at wispy clouds and falling leaves, to realise the air was swarming with midges. We escaped from the riverside and visited charity shops. Buying nothing, we had a laugh at activity building kits including a medieval clock and jousting knights.

Vaccines were sent to scientists in antarctica but Sarah Gilbert warned with only 1.9% of people in poorer countries immunised, nobody was yet safe. After successful trials, The WHO approved the Mosquirix malaria vaccine. Quizzed on the pathetic 127 foreign HGV driver applications, The Bumbler ridiculously bigged it up to 137. He just couldn’t stop lying! He later declared: “the supply chain problem is caused very largely by the strength of the economic recovery.” Did he mean buying plastic crap from China, pushing demand and costs up? Telling Laura Kuensberg supermarkets would manage due to ‘fantastic expertise and logistics’, she said it sounded as though he didn’t hear people’s concerns, took no responsibility, didn’t see it as his problem and would do nothing to help. Ignoring immediate short-term issues of shortages and spiralling inflation, he prattled about building a different future. Were the 150 new Greggs shops planned for 2022 part of the plan?

In a bombastic keynote speech full of hutzpah and terrible jokes, Boris took credit for the triumphs of Emma Raducanu, UK Paralympians and the Oxford Vaccine, saying the 97% publicly-funded feat was possible because of capitalism. He said he’d unleash the ‘unique spirit’ of the country by having the guts to reshape society and address previously-dodged issues. Defending restricting the number of foreign workers and the National Insurance hike, he insisted a new approach would lead to a ‘high wage, high skilled, high productivity and…low tax economy’ which was what people voted for in 2016. No they didn’t! He intimated worker and food shortages, and price and wage hikes were a deliberate strategy. Not happy at being branded the bogeymen, capitalists called him ‘economically illiterate’ and Richard Walker said it wasn’t helpful. Criticism from unions included Manuel Cortes of TSSA saying it was ‘nothing but hot air’ in a time of inflation, cuts, shortages and a climate crisis. The only policy he announced was a ‘levelling up’ premium of £3,000 for maths and science teachers which former education adviser Sam Freedman said was a U-turn on a previously scrapped plan. Carrie Antoinette watched adoringly, resembling a handmaid minus the bonnet. On the eve of the Universal Credit cut, Peter Bottom complained an MP’s £82,000 salary was a pittance and Therese Coffee-Cup belted out ‘The Time Of My Life’ at a tory karaoke. Wes Streeting spluttered: “they just don’t know what life is like for a hell of a lot of people…they make policies that are actively hurting people who are going out, working hard, trying to make the best for their family and are really struggling.”

Do Nothing

Life on a Small Island

Waking late Thursday, Phil helped with chores before I went to the co-op. Much calmer on a bright day, a woman in front of me at the till asked hipster cashier if he used to work at the club. He said yes but gave it up as he was too old for the job. “You can’t be older than the people who go there!” I joked. He took this as a cue to launch into his life story as a dad of three kids. Phil had again cleared the kitchen for my return but I still faffed. In the afternoon, I posted ‘Flash Forage in Arnside on Cool Places 2ⁱ.

Receiving an honorary degree from Manchester University, Marcus Rashford again called for Universal Credit to not be cut. In a Refuge campaign launch outside Scotland Yard, Jo Brand and Helena Kennedy QC joined 16 silhouettes with the slogan #EnoughisEnough, representing women killed by serving cops. Less stocks over summer, infrastructure outages and reduced global supply led to gas prices rocketing 37%. Russia released more into the market but was accused of blackmail over the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. French minister Clement Beaune threatened to cut the UK off if fishing wasn’t allowed round jersey. The EU advised he cool it. The National Grid assured us lights would stay on over winter thanks to alternative supplies including European gas pipes and shipped natural gas brought. But Ofgem conceded it was a worrying time and the price hike would be passed onto consumers.

On QT, Rosie Jones said she heard nothing in Boris’ speech and on Newscast, money expert Martin Lewis said ‘do nothing’ about rising bills. I felt vindicated, having always thought it ludicrous that the onus was on consumers to shop around for the cheapest deals when all our power came from a few sources. And with only 8 days reserve supply in the UK, it highlighted the idiocy of the ‘just in time’ procurement model. They didn’t need ex-Tesco boss Dave Lewis, appointed as adviser, to resolve acute supply chain issues and suggest long-term changes, they could just ask me! Based in the Cabinet Office, he would also co-chair a new supply chain advisory board and industry taskforce.

Glad of no shopping to do on a sunny Friday, I waited in the street for Phil to come on an afternoon walk, spotting a mystery man working on a laptop in the community garden. We got pop and pies in town and went to the park to eat. I then waited for Phil to get off his phone. Earning 4 euros for his first ‘click job’ analysing tweets, he said it paid more than YouGov but less than everything else. We walked through the park, bemoaned the mowing of wildflower patches, headed up to farmland, and along the top of the old quarry where impromptu streams and nettles made the going tricky. Striding ahead, Phil came back to help me, getting stung again. Hot and sweaty, we went down to the shady wood, displaying a few signs of autumn but disappointingly no mushrooms. On reaching the druid stones, we considered a rest but reasoning we were almost home, continued down the scary rutted last bit of path. I collapsed on the sofa, feeling slightly out of breath which was meant to be good I believe.

A day after E-gates at Heathrow, Gatwick and Edinburgh airports failed again, more countries were removed from the red list (leaving just 7), advice against non-essential travel was lifted and the vaccinated didn’t need to quarantine. Green and amber lists would be abolished Monday. Change Please converted 2 London buses to offer a one-stop shop for the homeless. Former Northern Ireland Secretary James Brokenshire died.

Saturday much greyer, I rose on wobbly legs, worked on the laptop, put recycling out and hacked at excessive branches round our Christmas trees. The medium-sized one now yellower, it was unlikely to recover for the festive season. Phil sold another Leeds-based print from the café expo (the old bus station was now a hipster bar).

Sunday, I discovered ‘likes’ on Brexit Islandⁱⁱ were still climbing, and a cartoon I’d posted a few days ago had been shared. Followers now including lefties and anarchists as well as right-wing nutters, I shared a link to a review of Barnier’s book. My Secret Brexit Diary confirmed the EU’s strategy was to sit tight and do nothing until the UK government caved inⁱⁱⁱ.

As sunshine returned, we went to pootle in the favoured clough. Oak sprigs scattered the shrunken small islands. Tiny fish swam beneath layers of decaying leaves. Rotting mushrooms sprouted from deadwood. As we rested on a bench, a passing hiking group speculated on creation of the landscape. I confirmed it was once a millrace. Walking up to the stone bridge, a thoughtful man with child and dog stepped aside for us. We then climbed up to the lane, savouring sun and wind in our faces and kicking crunchy leaves in the gutter. Cutting the corner off via small steps, the same man ascended giving us chance to return the favour. The old chapel no longer advertised a ‘free school’ but a ‘to let’ sign for the hostel left us wondering how that worked? Town heaving as ever, we ducked through an arch. Phil pointed at an old schoolfriend’s shop: “I saw you coming.” ‘That’s my mates’ shop!’ The almost-closed market hosted nothing but ‘I saw you coming’ stalls. The man in the Thai van yelled to a fellow trader: “have you got any burritos left?” in a broad Yorkshire accent. There was nothing like authenticity! We went in the convenience store before going home. Phil went to the kitchen, sorted shopping and put the kettle on. I followed to find spills round the draining board, making me fraught. Calming over coffee and cake, I used a dark woodland picture to compose a haiga^iv. Fretting returning, I found it hard to sleep that night.

On the Marr, Stephen Fitzpatrick told us Ovo, one of the Big Six, made a nauseating £5bn profits last year. He said they’d hedged well to ensure winter lights wouldn’t go out but government must act to protect those on low incomes and ensure a long-term strategy for the next generation. Although the Liberty Steel Rotherham plant would re-open, the boss of British Steel was baffled by a lack of aid from Kwasi Kwarteng, when governments had stepped in elsewhere. Other gas-guzzling manufacturers warned of stoppages. Kwarteng told Marr he’d spoken to Rishi’s colleagues about help to be promptly contradicted by a Treasury official insisting no such discussions took place and intimating he ‘misspoke’. As Boris and family went to stay in Zak Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella, Labour called the situation ‘farcical in-fighting’. Bridget Phillipson said: “in the teeth of a crisis of its own making, the government has put its out-of-office on. The PM has gone on holiday, no one knows where the chancellor is and…the business secretary has entered the realms of fantasy.” Jenny Harries (CE of UK Health Security Agency) warned up to 60,000 flu fatalities were possible over winter, with death twice as likely if you got flu and covid at the same time. Criticising civil servants for still working from home, IDS asked where was their blitz spirit? It was pointed that WW2 bombings happened at night when not many people were in offices, the internet didn’t exist in the 1940’s and government sold off half of Whitehall leaving only 3 desks per 10 staff in some departments. Anti-vaxxers visited Jeremy Vine’s house to give his wife a writ while animal cruelty fans went to Chris Packham’s pad and set his gate alight. He vowed to not give up fighting.

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. Brexit Island on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BrexitIsland/

iii. Barnier’s book: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/25/my-secret-brexit-diary-by-michel-barnier-review-a-british-roasting

iv. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 66 – Looney Tunes

“(it) should set alarm bells ringing in government…They must immediately explain to the public whether this exponential growth suggests the country is in line for a severe third wave…” (Layla Moran)

Bonkers Bangers

Even with the meditation soundtrack, I’d slept poorly and started another warm, partially sunny but humid week wobbly and fatigued. Phil also struggled, particularly with his eyes. I stayed abed much of the time, rising occasionally for sustenance and small chores.

After posting blogs Monday, I brushed dirty specks off the bed when a rip appeared in the quilt cover. It must have already been wearing thin, as was my patience at still being ill and yet more fixing to do! We took washing and recycling out and spotted a box perched on a planter near the door. That explained the feeble knock I’d heard the previous day. Phil claimed he looked and saw nothing. Still, I was glad to get the replacement cafétiere jug. As I rinsed disgusting bins under the outside tap, the woman staying next door stoop on her doorstep. We compared health notes. I mentioned I wasn’t well and she reported often having low energy levels. Hungry and exhausted after the niggly jobs, I took my lunch to bed, and wrote until the laptop overheated. Phil went to the co-op to find still no lettuce – nowt to do with Brexit!

The Government faced a backbench revolt over cuts to the foreign aid budget. Speaker of the House ruled a proposed amendment was outside the scope of the Aria bill* but rebuked ministers for not allowing MPs to vote on the cut and forced an emergency debate Tuesday (with a non-binding vote). On a break after leaving TIT in April, The Dildo considered applying for CE of NHS England. What qualified her for that? We may well wonder. Small-minded Save Our Statues campaigners block-booked tickets for Bristol’s M shed museum to stop people visiting the Edward Colston exhibition. Spain welcomed British tourists who couldn’t go.

The HIGNFY repeat mentioned the Iota variant originating in New York and revealed that Lord Geidt investigated The Cock’s links to Topwood, predictably concluding that like Boris, he only slightly bent the rules. Why did the media not mention this earlier? Maybe they didn’t give an iota.

Waking lots in the early hours, Tuesday began dozily. We celebrated ocean day with sea-themed baths. Foamy radox provided sea minerals and body wash added sea salt. Phil also played with the rubber fish. I fetched coffee and returned to bed to write, distracted by baby jackdaws hopping about on the shed roof. Probably nesting atop our terrace, their exploratory flights were cute and comical but noisy! After posting an entry on Cool Placesⁱ, I had to stop working with head fug. Attempts to rest were futile in the muggy heat. I’d just given up when it turned cloudy and cool. I finally put winter jumpers away, stitched the ripped quilt cover, sorted books to give away and went to the kitchen to take stuff out of the freezer for dinner when a mountain of frozen veg spilt on the floor – grr!

6,048 new covid cases and 13 deaths were announced. Wales led the jab table with 86.5% of adults immunised. Over 25’s in England were called up while in Scotland, 18-29 year olds were invited to register for appointments from mid-June.

Cases in India down to 100,000, limited re-opening occurred but the continuing march of the Delta variant led to 5.7m people going ‘under advice’ in Greater Manchester and Lancashire. The Cock announced a ‘strengthened package of support’ involving army help, testing in schools and better communication with disadvantaged groups. Burnman wanted earlier release of vaccine supplies too. Areas of Yorkshire offered PCR tests included Walsden, Todmorden, Warley and parts of Halifax. Following a ‘downbeat’ briefing of ministers by Chris Witless and Pat Valance, Jeremy C**t predicted a delay to unlocking of only 2 weeks. With all vulnerable groups offered 2 doses, Steve Baker of CRG railed: “if this brilliant milestone isn’t enough, nothing will ever get us out of this.” However, David King told Sky News inoculated people could still get infected and long covid. I felt cheated! A health & social care committee report warned of an ‘emergency’. Thousands of vacancies, excessive workloads and burnout (44% of NHS staff had been off ill with stress) posed a ‘dangerous risk’ to future services. Adult social care endured added ‘heartbreak’ when clients died. The plan for centralised GP records was postponed until September to allow more time for patients to opt out.

At the Old Bailey, Wayne Couzens pleaded guilty to the kidnap and rape of Sarah Everard. Not admitting murder, he took responsibility for her death and medical reports were pending.

As the sausage wars raged, Useless George said it would be bonkers if English bangers couldn’t be sent to Northern Ireland (NI) when the extended grace period ended. Yes, it’s looney tunes but it’s what you signed up to! Loyalists held regular parades and accused Boris of selling them down the river to get ‘his Brexit’. A day later, EU negotiator Maros Sefcovic threatened ‘resolute action’.

Annular Day

Not much better on Wednesday, I stayed upstairs to work on the journal and watch PMQs. Keir asked why The school catch-up plan was so slow and less than the USA and Holland – so much for levelling up. The Bumbler advised him ‘to do the maths’; £3bn had been pledged ‘just for starters’. How did he work that out? Keir called for Boris to support a labour motion that afternoon to boost the pot to £15bn and wanted to know which bit he opposed. The PM insisted his plan was ‘a revolution’ for 6 million kids. Keir retorted: “come off it…(he) is all over the place when it comes to education.” Moving onto the G7, Keir queried what he was doing to make global vaccinations a reality to which Boris responded that Astra-Zeneca made up a 3^rd of total worldwide distribution and claimed he was a ‘global leader.’ Keir spluttered that would be more believable if the UK wasn’t the only nation cutting the aid budget.

I was about to get lunch when the phone rang. A volunteer from Calderdale Carers asked if I wanted an accompanied walk including tea and cake. With a £5 budget, I almost asked if they’d seen the prices nowadays. Instead, I ended up volunteering to help someone else get out. She explained the registration process and we discussed creativity. As a musician, she’d volunteered when gigs dried up and played her first one in a year over the bank holiday in Brighton. “You wouldn’t believe how packed it was.” “I would!” Expressing interest in my journal, she said it was really important to document these strange times. My dream from last week had come true! That gave me a lift. Registering as a volunteer, I used text I’d written for the blog’s ‘about’ page, prompting me to update it at the same time. I rested while Phil went to the shop. On rising, I discovered no hot water. He’d accidentally left the tap on when cleansing groceries.

Daily cases hit 7,540 and hospitalisations were a 5^thhigher than at the end of the second wave earlier in the year, although CE of NHS Providers Chris Hopson said the death rate was lower. WHO special envoy Dr. David Nabarro told Sky news: ”This virus has not gone away and in some ways it’s lurking and just waiting to strike again…please be really, really, careful…” i.e., minimise contact and wear face-masks. Prof. of Doom Ferguson warned of a third wave. The Good Law Project won their case in the high court who ruled the government acted illegally when awarding contract to The Scumbag’s mates, PR company Public First. No other companies were considered thus the decision-maker showed bias. The cabinet office replied that the issue had been addressed. Andrew Lloyd Webber threatened to start his tawdry show on 21^st June, come what may, even if he got arrested. On Jeremey Vine, 22 year old snowflake and so-called political commentator Dominique Samuels unbelievably said he knew better than scientists when it was safe to open theatres and if people were scared of going out, they should stay in – looney selfish sociopaths of the world unite!

As I watched telly and did more stitching that evening, my head drooped and my throat felt scratchy. I took aspirin at bedtime in a bid to allay a relapse, quickly fell asleep but woke in the night with hot flushes.

I made a big effort to come round before the annular eclipse Thursday morning. Phil fetched a camera and a selection of filters in the hope of catching a safe glimpse from the bedroom window. But even straining towards the east, we struggled to even locate the sun behind thick cloud. Phil said he was going outside. “Okay, but leave me something to look at the sun with.” “I can’t I’ve only got 1 UV filter.” “Fine. I’ll make do with a cardboard box.”

After much cursing and fiddling, we spotted a brief gap in the clouds and took turns with the filter so see the deep orange disc with a bite in it before the skies greyed again. “That was a disappointment,” he whinged. “At least we got to see something.” I searched for livestreams but the eclipse over by then, I settled for photos of better views from London and New York.

Humdrum normality restored, I edited the journal and photos, hung more washing out and he hoovered round. In the evening, refreshing rain aided sleep. Eyes shutting while reading, I succeeded in an unbroken night for the first time in years!

Jenny Harries, now CE of the new UK Health Security Agency, inanely said covid cases were up. PHE added they rose in all age groups but more in 20-29 year olds, and in the North West. The Cock defended the government at the commons health & social care committee. He claimed their delay in imposing the first lockdown was ‘following expert advice’ that the public wouldn’t stick to the rules: “now that proved actually to be wrong.” In hindsight, he wished he hadn’t followed the science. Steve Reicher of Spi-B gasped: “this is simply untrue.” The Cock went onto blatantly lie about PPE shortages and said they didn’t lead to NHS staff deaths. Along with unions and the opposition, I was shocked and yelled at the telly: “but we all saw it!” Furthermore, NAO said only 2.6bn out of 32bn items of PPE reached the frontline Feb-July 2020. Rebutting allegations of lying with more lies, on protecting adults in care, he maintained: “evidence has shown that the strongest route into care homes was community transmission.” (i.e., not his policy of decanting infected patients from hospital). He had ‘no idea’ why The Scumbag hated him but knew the aide wanted him fired because there was a leak and now he knew the source. He said it was ‘telling’ that Dom hadn’t produced any evidence and communication and decision-making had improved since he left Downing Street in November, reflected by greater public trust. Eh?

Ahead of the G7 summit, Carrie and Jill walked on the beach at Carbis Bay while Oirish Joe and The Bumbler discussed an Atlantic Charter, covid, climate change, defence and security, travel and Brexit. It was later revealed that Joe told Boris to ‘maintain the peace’ in NI. This was after the American charge d’affaires, Yael Lempert met Lord Frost on 3^rd June to deliver a demarché (formal protest). The Times reported that he said if Boris accepted EU agricultural standards, Joe would ensure it didn’t ‘negatively affect the chances of reaching a USA/UK free trade deal’.

NSA Jake Sullivan confirmed the president had a ‘rock solid belief’ in the God Friday Agreement and it “must be protected.” Von De Leyen insisted the EU had been flexible but the NI protocol must stay. Newscast talked to an ex-diplomat who stressed America wanted the NI issue sorted out, but weren’t apportioning blame while a document on the Good Friday agreement made no mention of the EU as they weren’t signatories. On QT, Lucy Powell reiterated the UK should align with EU agricultural rules. Yanis Varoufakis said we ‘can’t have it 3 ways’, with no border on the mainland or in the Irish Sea or any checks. On the other hand, the EU were being unreasonable. He’d know about that alight! Gillian Keegan, former apprentice and tory minister for apprenticeships, now realised contracts between governments were ‘at a different level than in business’ – duh! That’s what you got recruiting ministers via reality TV – absolute morons! She also called footballers taking the knee ‘divisive’. Only if you’re racist! On the prospect of extended lockdown, Kavita Oberoi knew 21 year olds with covid and wanted local measures to contain surges. Lucy asked what was plan b if we didn’t unlock?

Bells and Whistles

Rousing at 8 a.m. Friday, I definitely couldn’t remember waking during the night. Feeling refreshed, I attempted exercise and immediately slumped again. Phil fetched breakfast but still iffy, he fell back to sleep on top of the bed. He managed a trip to the co-op for weekend essentials later. Suspecting a frustratingly slow laptop presaged an update, I let MS do its stuff during lunch. The only difference I saw was a stupid weather thing in the toolbar. Far too warm and noisy, I got a meagre 5 minutes rest in the afternoon. An e-mail from Calderdale Carers had gone in the junk folder. I sent a reply apologising for the delay. The first game of Euro 2020 about to kick off, I printed the fixtures chart and watched Italy play Turkey. We switched to watching films after a boring first half, later discovering there were 3 goals before the final whistle – well, you know what they say… In contrast to ‘divisive’ comments from ministers, Downing Street insisted Boris supported players taking the knee and urged fans not to boo them.

Although deaths stayed low, hospitalisations rose and PHE confirmed 42,323 cases of the Delta variant – 29,892 more than last week, and 94% of total infections. Layla Moran said it “should set alarm bells ringing in government as we approach 21^st June…They must immediately explain to the public whether this exponential growth suggests the country is in line for a severe third wave, and if so what it is doing to prevent it.” Nick Thomas-Symonds added: “the pace at which cases…continue to rise is deeply worrying and is putting the lifting of restrictions at risk. The blame for this lies with the PM and his reckless refusal to act on Labour’s repeated warnings to secure our borders against covid and its variants.” At the G7, the USA pledged 500m vaccines and the UK 100m, over the next 2 years (5m by September, 25m more by the end of 2021, the rest in 2022). Gordon Brown said it wasn’t enough. UNICEF and the Wellcome Foundation wanted 1bn doses this year and $18bn for testing. Boris refused to agree to an intellectual property waiver but said leaders had a duty to ensure post-pandemic recovery was inclusive. Agreements were also made on climate change and a global programme for education with £5bn to help 40m girls. Formal dinner was taken at the Eden project, with the queen and princes.

I felt a lot better Saturday morning, despite a slight hangover (unfair after a mere 4 small glasses of wine the night before). Time drifted somewhat and it was pretty late when we’d bathed and breakfasted and decided to chance a short walk on the canal. Loitering outside, the woman next door arrived and said I looked well. On the towpath, we stopped to check progress of the anti-flood works and watched a baby jackdaw hilariously trying to jump from a slagheap through a fence and raucously beg food from mum. Stand-out purple and yellow blossom provided material for my weekly haigaⁱⁱ. Side-stepping scrounging geese and inconsiderate cyclists who didn’t ring warning bells, we proceeded westwards to the basin. Barge cruisers, strollers and al-fresco drinkers created a holiday air. Seeing The Biker on his houseboat, I gave him the photos I’d opportunely printed out and stuck in my rucksack. Very hungry, we returned via backstreets. Phil wet into town on a quick errand while I looked for easy dinner options in the co-op and found a chicken peri-peri meal in the reduced section.

A WhatsApp message from Elder Sis informed us she’d been impressively awarded a gong in the queen’s birthday honours list. I tried ringing for more information but with 4 different numbers to choose from, wasn’t sure which to use. Phil googled the list, which vaguely stated the MBE was ‘for services to HMRC’. I exchanged messages with her later to learn only 3 civil servants per year received one. Awesome!

Almost falling asleep after a late lunch, we nipped outside in the hope fresh air would help and chatted to the young couple barbecuing in the community garden with their now-walking toddler. Granny (an old pub mate) sat beneath the wall but didn’t appear talkative. Aware she had health issues lately, I took no offence. Another young neighbour asked if his van was okay parked near our bench. “Yes, as long as you don’t back into my tree.” We imparted some history on the formation of the community garden. They were aghast to learn it covered a hole that suddenly appeared one day and the land was almost sold to developers.

Achy and tired on Sunday, we whinged about the weather; warm but overcast. Wall-to-wall sunshine they said. Hottest day of the year they said. Yeah, in London! Phil stitched up an old pair of flares acquired at a jumble sale years ago. I worked on blogs, washed rugs, put a load of recycling out and waved to The Toddler. Dad said he’d been enthusiastically waving and shouting ‘hello!’ since he spotted me from inside the car, bless him. Not sure why he’d taken to me, Phil laughed: “toddler brains are weird.” Charming! In the Euros. England beat Croatia 1-0. Raheem Stirling’s goal was set up by Leeds United player Kalvin Phillips. Danish footballer Christian Erikson had a heart attack playing Finland. The whistle was blown but the match resumed later in the evening which seemed poor form even if he wasn’t dead. That night, we soaked in fluffy baths to soothe aches and pains. Midnight by then, I struggled to get any sleep. I dropped off with the help of the meditation soundtrack only to wake in very early light.

Leaks presaged the official announcement on lockdown easing Monday. Boris said he’d look at hospital admissions beforehand, but we all knew there’d be a delay; of 4 weeks rather than 2. In Cornwall, Mini Macron set alarm bells off saying NI wasn’t the same country as the rest of Britain, Oirish Joe went to mass and Boris went swimming. He could’ve at least feigned being catholic for more than a fortnight after getting hitched in Westminster Cathedral!

* Aria – Advanced research and invention agency

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 46 – Quadruple Whammy

“It’s a quadruple whammy. The whole Brexit deal screams of desperation. Johnson is a populist who does not care about the ramifications of what he does, he just wanted a deal – any deal – so he could stay popular. Business is the sacrificial lamb!” (Simon Spurrell, Cheshire Cheese Co.)

Battered But Unscathed

After a terrible night, not only did I still have the lurgy Monday morning, but I felt like I’d been battered round the head. I made a big effort to get washed and in what proved to be the pattern for the rest of the week, went back to bed while Phil took on chores and errands. I watched telly, posted blogs and worked on the journal. On Jeremy Vine, Sociopath Beverley Swivel-head refused to acknowledge reduced stats on coronavirus cases and death rates during lockdown was evidence it worked and advised us to look at ‘the fourth industrial revolution’ for proof it was all part of an evil plan. Get your tinfoil hat on, love!

High value business, performing arts, journos, TV & film people, admen and lottery staff no longer exempt from travel restrictions, but air crew, hauliers, offshore workers and elite sportspeople were. Almost 4 million now immunised, speculation mounted that the over 50’s and medically vulnerable might be done by spring, followed by teachers, coppers and shop workers. New vax centres included Blackburn cathedral and Askham Bar in York. Labour tabled a non-binding ‘early day’ motion to maintain the £20 a week top-up for UC. 6 tory backbenchers revolted against Boris’ instruction to abstain so it passed. In the face of a possible fight between Rishi Rich and Therese Coffee-cup, ministers considered a bewildering 14 options.

That evening, I used the new 3-4-5 breathing technique to gently drift into a much better sleep.

Storm Christoph prompted an amber warning with the Ouse already flooded in York and up to 200 mm of rain predicted in the Peak District and South Pennines midweek. As the deluge set in Tuesday morning, I woke to a noisy siren – a panda car not a flood warning; though one sounded upriver later and the area was on high alert for the next 2 days. Still abed, I worked on the journal until my eyes went funny, perused the internet for birthday gifts but found none, and placed a Boots order before putting the laptop down and trying to relax. At bedtime, Phil said “I hope the flood sirens don’t wake me up.” Feigning shock, I gawped at him: “Never mind people’s homes being flooded and their stuff washed away. As long as it doesn’t wake you!” “Yep!” Luckily, the rain eased off allowing for a restful night.

The WHO called the inequitable distribution of vaccines between rich and poor countries a ‘serious risk’. The UK had enough lined up to inoculate the population two or three times over (albeit with import issues) which the government said was because they’d funded COVAG. Dildo appeared at the Commons Public Accounts Committee to insist paying consultants £1k a day was great value. Cock had to self-isolate after being pinged and was working from his bog until Sunday. Deputy Med Chief Jenny Simpleton suggested phased school opening after half-term. Using the typical thick person trick of trying to sound clever, she waffled about ‘differential application’ (i.e., a regional approach), making her seem incapable of speaking in plain English. How did she get that job? In a leaked private call to tories, Nasty Patel said she’d argued with Boris last March that UK borders should be shut but insisted she supported the PM’s decision to stop quarantine that month. Shadow minister Nick Thomas-Symonds declared it a ‘shocking admission’. HSBC announced the closure of 82 bank branches between April and September – nowt to do with Brexit, or the plague, apparently…

Wednesday, there was little change in the weather or my condition, both dismal. Trying to clean round the dusty bedroom, I lacked the energy and went back to bed to work on the journal. My debilitation prompted bouts of angst, despair and anger to come to the surface but I tried to keep occupied. A boring PMQs left Desmond Swayne comatose on the front bench. Keir quizzed The Bumbler on missing police records, overriding Patel on closing borders last March, and the slowness of shutting them now, getting the standard non-answers. Zoom issues left remote MPs hanging and Ian Blackford unable to ask his second question.

Cobra met to discuss Storm Christoph and declared adequate preparedness. The Mersey burst its banks, flooding areas of Cheshire and South Manchester where 2,000 residents of Didsbury were told to evacuate. Astra-Zeneca’s Wockhardt factory in Wrexham was mercifully left unscathed only to undergo threats of a different kind a week later. Here, big lumps of snow fell early evening, soon turning back to rain. The water peak predicted at midnight, we again heard no sirens as it only reached road level. At least it made the traffic quieter! Finally getting out of the house at the weekend, I saw evidence in the form of debris on side streets and ravaged ‘duck islands’.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Phil found a Brexit story in ‘West Country Bylines’, prompting me to post on Brexit Island: ‘Blessed be the cheesemakers. Prospering mightily!’ Describing the palaver of trying to export to the EU, Simon Spurrell of The Cheshire Cheese Co. rallied: “we managed to get a shipment through to Europe which took 6 days instead of 1. Rejected because it’s no longer fresh. We’ve paid the carriage to send it out and we have to pay to ship it back. We have to bin the cheese. We have to refund the customer. We also lose the customer. It’s a quadruple whammy…”^IThe government really was shafting small businesses. With a lack of support on Brexit or coronavirus, it further strengthened the belief that they wanted everyone to work for their tory chums’ conglomerates. The Opportunistic conspiracy of capitalists knew no bounds!

Meanwhile, Roger Daltrey appeared to change his mind on Brexit due to the deal not including musicians in visa-free travel. We won’t get fooled again!

In the US, a historic day saw the oldest president ever, Joe Biden, and the first ever female vice-president, American-Asian Kamala Harris inaugurated. Loser Trump was off to Florida, not Scotland, preceded by a pathetic military salute and sad party. The next day, Biden signed 10 executive orders related to Covid including mask-wearing, increased testing and accelerated vaccinations. Almost 2 years since we flew on one, and the last time we had a foreign holiday, 737’s were cleared for take-off.

A record high of 1,610 deaths the day before was surpassed by 1,820 deaths. Prof. Vallance warned vaccinations weren’t doing enough ‘heavy lifting’ and early studies suggested the SA variant (501Y&-V2) was resistant.

Not stopped completely, the rain eased off Thursday. Still fatigued and wobbly, it took an age to feel up to bathing. I wrote on my novel until the head fug returned, dossed awhile then hoovered the upstairs floors which of course rendered me exhausted.

A rave reported to police in Southend was actually old people queuing for vaccines that hadn’t turned up. Nasty Patel used the old ‘following the science’ adage and announced £800 fines for going to a house party. The R rate now 1.04, Covid cases and deaths fell for a change. Over 5m jabs had been given, to 4.6m people, at a rate of 200 per minute. However, a React study found the prevalence of Coronavirus still high, especially in London, the South East, East, West Midlands, South West and North West. Yorks and Humber was the only region where it dropped. Including mobility for the first time, the research revealed less movement at the end of December and a rise at the start of January, when lockdown #3 began. It was indeed time to stop telling coffee-cuppers and builders they were essential! New strains of the virus were reportedly found in Germany and France.

On QT, Minister for NI Brandon Lewis aka Swiss Toni* repeated the daft ‘’following the science’ line. Facing a Northern Irish audience, he condescendingly dismissed issues of goods getting to the province post-Brexit as minor. Prof. Anand Menon told us it would get worse in April when the ‘grace period’ for supermarkets ended. Did that mean they’d be hit with the same quadruple whammy as SME’s?

Slightly improved Friday, I took washing to the machine before returning to bed and spent the day writing and sketching. Phil went to the co-op for weekend supplies. Eggs in a plastic box rather than the usual cardboard, a sign on the shelf said there was a cardboard shortage. I joked: “I might do post-it notes and stick them on empty shelves, saying ‘nowt to do with Brexit!’” After dinner, we drank wine (not the whole lot for a change), and watched films.

The Sci-fi Songbird imagined the near future with the world in the 4^th year of lockdown, due to the latest variant, Covid-23. The idea muted last March, it was the first film to be made after lockdown #1. At least Michael Bay wasn’t whingeing about not making blockbusters and getting with the zeitgeist! The concept resonated with my recent angst that new strains might mean we were never rid of the plague. Featuring daily temp checks, parcel sanitising cabinets and virus scanners, I recalled reports a few months ago of dogs that could sniff out Covid and robot-cleaners. What happened to those innovations? Would we have them by 2024? Inevitably, I had ‘Covid dreams’ that night, remembering snatches of them the next day.

‘I’ll Be Vaxxed!’

Coronavirus cases in care homes shot up 46% in the last week. Was it because they hadn’t got their booster? A £500 pay-out for everyone pinged by the tit app was muted. Prof. Stephen Reicher said it must form “an essential element of our pandemic response.” But ministers dismissed the idea.

Israeli cases soared despite jabbing 2.8 out of 9m citizens. Authorities extended lockdown to the end of the month -only 10 days away. Was it enough? The ONS revealed a fifth of the UK population were infected last week. Their broader picture included asymptomatic as well as confirmed cases which were falling by 20% a week, the R rate dropping to 0.8-1. The Kent Virus now widespread across the UK, it accounted for 60% of cases. Boris briefed on early studies indicating the variant was 30% more deadly, having thus far said it wasn’t. The Met broke up a wedding party of 400 members of the orthodox Jewish Charedi community. Held in the hall of the Yesodey Hatorah Senior Girls’ School in Stamford Hill, North London, an unnamed external organisation managed all function lettings according to the school, who were: “absolutely horrified…and condemn(ed) it in the strongest possible terms.” Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis (not the leader of the Charedis) called it “shameful.” Incredulously, the school principal, Rabbi Avrahom Pinter died last April from Covid! With Glasto cancelled again, Paul Reed, CE of the association of Indy festivals said smaller ones might still happen. The James Bond film release postponed a third time, Jeremy Vine clamoured: “get it on Netflix!” Arnie was snapped at a vaccine centre and captioned: “come with me if you want to live.” He should have said ‘I’ll be vaxxed!’

What sounded like soft rain Saturday morning, turned out to be giant snow globs. I stuck my hand out the window. When the flakes landed on me, they felt like feathers then instantly melted. Nevertheless, some settled prettily on hills, trees and roofs until it stopped and disappeared sharpish. Phil woke early but fell back to sleep, lulled by the gentle snowfall. After breakfast, I went back to bed. Although improving, I remained achy, fatigued and very cold, even though the sun was visible. I drafted haikus^{I I}and did some sketching until hunger forced me downstairs. I stayed there to cook a slow-roast dinner and watch films.

A freezing night repainted the hills white on Sunday. I rose very late again but managed the rest of the day out of bed. Really needing fresh air, low bread supplies gave us the incentive to brave the cold. Gone 3 by the time we left the house, the sunlight was scant but conditions less arctic than we’d feared. From the old bridge, we looked at the duck islands. Stripped of vegetation, last week’s storm bizarrely left random items of clothing in its wake. Coffee-cuppers back out in force, bins overflowed with disposable cups. In the busy square, we dodged impatient kids to get pies, glanced at the pathetic farmers market, then visited a couple of shops. Finding reduced ‘Lancashire sauce’ in the deli, and dubious that anything so piquant was a traditional condiment, I mused: “Never heard of it and I’m from Lancs. My mum cooking with spices? I ask you!” It had to be bought though. We took the longer way home, paused on the new bridge to watch the river living up to its name as ducks and pigeons lined up on the wall. Phil said they were expecting the inn to be open but I pointed out it was opposite the pet shop which sold bird feed.

Geordie neighbour waited for us to pass on the step. Chatting safely, he told us he’d had a Pfizer shot, because he does funerals, but queried why he was prioritised. He provided interesting insights on burials versus cremations and the noticeable rise in Muslim funerals at the start of the pandemic.

6,353,321 now immunised, Van Dam renewed pleas for them to keep to lockdown rules. 300 illegal ravers were discovered under railway arches in Hackney.

On the Marr, Cock said lifting lockdown was a ‘long, long, way off’. I knew Laura K’s reported prediction of an end on 5^th March was premature and a school return after half-term unlikely. Telling us there were 73 cases of the SA variant in the UK, all related to business travel, we repeated calls to stop all travel – NOW! Lisa Nandy wanted tougher testing, quarantine and checking up. Sir John Bell of Oxford University appeared on Channel 4 news to agree, urging the government to be ‘very tight about transport’. He said delaying the second dose was the right decision, but profound changes in the SA and Brazil strains may make it more difficult to neutralise the virus. If a new vaccine was required, it could be ready by autumn if ‘we get our skates on’, but there would be more variants in future. Remember, ‘Covid used to live up the back end of a pangolin’. Warning of too many eggs in the vax basket, he said other tools such as anti-virals were also needed.

Sturgeon vowed to hold an ‘advisory’ indy ref whether legal or not, if the SNP won the Scottish election in May. Together with increasing Irish rancour over the Brexit mess, Brexit Island would soon shrink! Snow unusually fell in London. In characteristic north/south divide style, outdoor recreation on Primrose Hill was reported as fun japes, unlike the nasty larks in Leeds last week!

Struggling to sleep, I used the new breathing technique but as that proved ineffective, I switched to the trusty meditation tape to drop in and out of a fitful sleep.

*Note – Swiss Toni – a character played by Charlie Higson in The Fast Show and spin-off sit-com in the early 2,000’s

References:

i. West Country Bylines: https://westcountrybylines.co.uk/quadruple-cheese-brexit-whammy/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Jenny Harries