“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)
Bereaved Families
The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.
Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.
On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.
Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.
At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!
Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.
The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.
As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.
The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.
All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.
Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”
Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.
Boris in GTFC Bobble Hat
Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.
Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.
Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.
On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.
Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.
In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.
Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!
Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.
The NHS’ 75th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.
*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:
Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)
Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).
**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘
“As I have said for years…it’s far more expensive to be poor. Now the experts in data gathering are backing that up” (Jack Munroe)
Disingenuity
Haiga – Salad Daze
We spent May Day hairdressing. It was good to have my dull rainbow hair coloured in, but I strained my shoulder showering dye off. Panicked by alarming grill noises later, I jarred the same shoulder which also sported an itchy insect bite.
Bank Holiday Monday dull and damp, at least it wasn’t pouring like a year ago. I forced myself to exercise the shoulder, did boring chores and went to the co-op, seeing New Gran on her way to the community pub. “For a change from the usual?” I joked. “Well, it is a bank holiday; not that I need an excuse!” she laughed. She was dithering over buying a painting for her older daughter who recently turned 30 and gave birth. Two men sat twiddling their fingers in the art shop, wouldn’t let her in. They obviously didn’t need her custom!
Scotland closed covid testing sites; those with fever were instructed to stay home. The weekend awash with Ploughboy memes referencing Neil Parish, and accounts of a ‘sexist of the year’ award at No. 10’s Christmas party, Lindsay Hoyle wanted radical action to change parliament’s ‘cosy culture of debauchery’. Jeremy Vine discussed ‘sexism training’ for MPs. “They don’t need any!” chortled Phil. After an 11 day pause in dinghy crossings, 254 migrants arrived, making a total of 7,240 for the year so far, treble that for the same period 2021. 100 civilians were evacuated from Mariupol before a major onslaught and Serge told Italian telly Hitler had Jewish blood and the ‘biggest antisemites are Jews’. Israeli counterpart Yair Lapril hit back: “only Nazis are Nazis” and demanded the Russian ambassador apologise.
Completing a postal ballot for the local election I couldn’t remember whether to detach the declaration. The step-by-step guide made it sound more complicated than it was. Though tired, I went to post it Tuesday afternoon and bought cough drops. My head heavy after Sweet Shop Man whinged about prices, I trudged home. Despite fatigue, I got little sleep.
On BBC Breakfast, Keir took responsibility for a colleague originally saying Rayner wasn’t at Beergate but accused tories of mud-slinging ahead of elections – it didn’t compare to Downing Street’s industrial scale shenanigans. As a curry house back-tracked on claims 30 dishes were delivered to the Durham office, Richard Holden urged local police to re-investigate. Meanwhile on GMB, Boris promised more help with the cost of living but referenced the previously announced phased-in support. Challenged on 77 year old Elsie riding buses to avert fuel costs, he lauded the 24-hour freedom pass as his idea. Jon Ashworth spluttered: “It is utterly shameful that pensioners have no choice but to sit on the bus all day to avoid racking up heating bills at home…to respond by boasting about the London bus pass reveals just how out of touch this narcissistic prime minister is.” BP’s first quarter profits £5 billion, they expected to pay £1 bn extra tax and invest £18 bn in North Sea oil and gas and renewables by 2030. 2 days later, Shell announced profits of £7.2 bn, almost triple for 2021, and pledged to invest £20-25 bn in the UK over the next decade. Greenpeace joined calls for a windfall tax, to “ease pressure on households feeling the pinch and reduce our dependence on oil and gas.” Shit-show P&O restarted passenger ferries. On video link to the Ukraine parliament, Boris rebounded Vlod’s ‘finest hour’ words and promised a £300 m aid package. Vlod warned the Black Sea blockade threatened a world grain crisis. UEFA banned Russian teams for the next season. In court, families began a class action law suit for ‘inordinate and unreasonable delays’ processing visas for the Homes for Ukraine scheme, ex-pub landlord Tarek Namouz allegedly sent covid loans to Isis, anti-lockdowner Lance O’Connor got fined £50 for holding up a makeshift gallows outside parliament and Notts police chief Caroline Henry was clocked speeding 5 times in 12 weeks.
No PMQs Wednesday because of the elections, I enjoyed the peace, ordered vitamin D and texted Walking Friend who was about to go on a jolly in the lakes. Continuing the spring clean, I heaved the study sideboard out to vacuum dust clumps and added coins to bank bags I’d stashed months ago.
Blaming fuel rises not the war affecting fertiliser and feed costs, Useless George suggested as aggressive supermarket competition kept prices low on ‘things like chicken and poultry’ (sic), we buy cheaper own-brand foods. Lambasting the patronising and ‘woefully out of touch government’, Pat McFadden said they had ‘no solution to the cost of living crisis’ and Wendy Chamberlain said they were ‘living in a parallel universe’. Money Saving Expert had already advised downshifting a brand to cut shopping bills by 30%. Way ahead of you, Martin! The UK implemented 63 new sanctions, vetoed service provision but not lawyering, and the EU would implement a ban on Russian oil ‘in an orderly fashion’ Natürlich!
Oversleeping Thursday, I rushed to do washing before an Ocado delivery. Arriving a tad late, the grumpy driver unbelievably queried why he’d bothered coming at all! Waiting to peg sheets on the line, the window cleaner’s van blocked access and his hose snaked up to the houses opposite. As I hauled the groceries down, a stupid bottle carrier broke and beer smashed on the floor. Mopping up a lake, I slid and got broken glass in my hand. Meanwhile, the window cleaner did our front then disappeared again! I waited a vexing full hour to get the van shifted. Before Phil went voting, I recited useful do’s and don’ts according to the BBC such as: take your kids but don’t let them write on the ballot paper, vote if you’d been drinking but not be disruptive, and not take selfies. Nobody in the polling station, he chatted to Counsellor Friend in town, trying not to swear when yummy mummies approached. She won by a stonking majority. Tories lost hundreds of seats countrywide to liberal and labour gains including 2 London councils and the new South Yorks and Cumberland authorities. Keir declared it a major turning point but the BBC unbelievably tried to spin their wins as losses. Boris vowed the government was “absolutely determined to keep going with every ounce of compassion and ingenuity that we have” That’s about an ounce then, you disingenuous twat!
I lodged a refund request and complaint with Ocado, and thought we might as well get the rest of the shopping done to leave Friday free. Too tired to do anything on returning from the co-op, I whined at a crap day. I did find a spark of energy early evening to sow sowed wildflower seeds. Phil popped out to enjoy birds’ evensong and spot wild garlic on a neighbour’s steps.
The polls shut, Fiona Bruce bizarrely pointed out the QT audience mainly voted tory. Nowt new there then! Dismissing a windfall tax, disgraced-by-porn ex-minister Damian Green insisted oil companies already paid more corporation tax. The Black (Brexit) Farmer got booed saying Boris delivered. Louise Haigh maintained there was a vast difference between Partygate and Beergate and police were clear labour broke no laws. Unfortunately for her, the investigation re-opened the next day in light of new evidence. Mr. Green said nowadays, MPs were more honest about transgressions and blamed wider society – aka twitter. Screenwriter Jack Thorne said ministers were definitely in a bubble with no experience of real life, and should face manslaughter charges for excess care home deaths when covid tests were restricted early in the pandemic. The Brexit Farmer stuck to the line of lack of information leading to bad decisions. Ms. Haigh reminded us Jon Ashworth warned of the dangers of discharging patients early 2020 but they didn’t care. During droney election results, I retired to lie in a stupor, have a long dream and wake in the early hours.
The WHO attributed epidemic levels of obesity in Europe partly to covid lockdowns. An estimated 15 million covid deaths globally, triple those officially recorded, in India it was 10 times more and above average in the UK. As it was announced London’s Elizabeth Line would open 4 years late on 24th May in time for the queens’ platinum jubilee, Shats threatened to refer Khan to the electoral commission. Calling him a sourpuss, Khan retorted it was up to TfL, not the mayor. 650 Yorkshire Arriva bus drivers offered a below inflation pay rise of 4.1%, voted to strike indefinitely from 6th June. Warning of contracted growth in the last quarter of 2022 and a recession in 2023, the BoE interest rate rose to 1%. The pound promptly fell against the dollar and euro. A semi-conductor shortage led to less car production. Were they from Ukraine too?
The weather too crap to go out Friday, I hoovered the landing, prompting a cactus on the windowsill to fall apart. Phil tackled a bathroom sink blockage. So much for a fun day!
Based on random testing, ONS reported UK covid infections down 32% in the past week. Bill Gates outlined future plans for a global pandemic response on The One Show, which could stop the spread within 100 days, according to his book. Convenience chain McColl’s set to collapse threatening 1,100 shops and 16,000 jobs, a Morrison’s takeover was confirmed Monday.
Unbelievably sleeping 7 hours straight, a muffled knock seeped into my dreams Saturday. As Phil got up, I vaguely grasped it’d be the vitamins. Glancing at the clock, I was shocked at the hour and still tired despite extra kip. I stayed home, writing and gardening. Sunday, we went in search of bluebells. The nearby wood didn’t disappoint with an extensive spread. We also got a first glimpse of kids but no lambs. We returned via the towpath where a goose couple herded their fluffy brood, ducked in the convenience store and hurried through the packed square. (For more details, see Cool Placesi)
Sinn Fein won a historic victory in Northern Ireland with the neutral Alliance Party third. The DUP blocked reforming Stormont and Rabid Rabb threatened to rip up the Brexit protocol. As it emerged the Beergate curry was planned and Keir was accused of ‘quaffing’ San Miguel, Nandy called him ‘Mr. Rules’, said he’d self-isolated 6 times and probably knew the law better than the cops. The next day Keir and Rayner said they’d do the decent thing if fined. Tod Bowley of LA Dodgers, bought Chelsea FC. In a classic Leeds United move, a sliding tackle got Luke Ayling sent off.
Supercilious
Haiga – Uncaptured
Phil was contacted by a well-known retailer with a view to selling prints in their flagship store. The gig paid 5%. Stingy, but better than 0% or 10 cents from Shitterstock. He spent Monday selecting brutalist photos for a proposal. I posted a haigaii, an album of bluebells (slightly more popular than the dandelions), worked on the journal and went to the co-op. On the way back, New Gran walked down the street with her mum behind, and daughter and grandchild in front. Four generations in neat chronological order!
The cost of living biting hard, 1:7 households skipped meals. Staff issues, a lack of Border Farce guards and a travel spike, led to queues outside Birmingham airport, EasyJet removing seats from planes and Shats allowing new recruits to start training before passing security checks. Swiss Toni met Northern Irish party leaders in Belfast. The DUP repeated a refusal to appoint a deputy first minister until the protocol issue was resolved; Micheal Teashop said it could be. Over the weekend, 60 civilians were killed sheltering in the village school in Bilohorivka. On Russian Victory Day, Putin said NATO posed ‘unacceptable threats’ but didn’t declare ‘all-out war’ as promised. Saying he told fairy tales, Ben Wally compared the despot to a Nazi and pledged another £1.3 million to Ukraine. Protestors waved Ukrainian flags and shouted ‘murderer!’ at Russian ambassador to Poland, Sergey Andreev. Ukrainian refugee Iryna Zenlyana had to flee after chucking borscht at him. Vlod awarded Jack Russel Patron a military service medal for unearthing 200 explosives.
Tuesday, I posted the journal’s April entry, got rid of the dead cactus, reused the pot and chanced sprouting celery in the greenhouse, protected from slugs by the last of a roll of copper tape.
His mum suffering ‘episodic’ mobility issues, Bonny Prince Charlie read the 8 mins 45 secs queens speech. Even he looked bemused in ridiculous Admiral of The Fleet regalia. Starting with plans for high-wage, high-skill jobs, it went onto list a load of stuff we already knew and a pile of guff on Brexit. Predictably no immediate help, Keir called it: “The latest chapter in a pathetic response to the cost of living crisis.” The IPPR said it was ‘cosmetic surgery for an economy facing a heart attack’ and Child Poverty Action lamented ‘a far cry from what struggling families needed to hear’. The CBI welcomed ambitions for a growing economy. Well, the capitalist would, wouldn’t they? The 2-year programme belied speculation of an early general election. Phil reckoned it was because Boris knew tories were too spineless to get rid of him. I thought he was the spineless one, having taken out everything that upset back-benchers.
Aberdeen University and King’s College found diabetes trebled the risk of severe covid and doubled that of death but could decline if well-managed. in an effort to disrupt supply lines, Odesa was pounded. Russia’s modern precision weapons depleted, old Soviet stock was more likely to miss intended targets.
Waking with tummy ache Wednesday, I struggled on. Crap morning weather, depression and fatigue mitigated against a planned trip to big town. I moped. Despite Phil’s efforts to cheer me up and the sun coming out, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. In the end, I finished spring cleaning the study, left him to hang pictures on dust-free walls, steamed winter coats and asked for help putting them away. Normally doable by standing on the bed, he fetched the ladders. When I said even I could do it with ladders, a tiff ensued, worsening my exhaustion.
On BBC Breakfast, a supercilious Glove-Puppet dismissed the idea of an emergency budget and affected silly voices: “It’s an example of some commentators trying to take a statement that is commonsensical, turning it into – capital letters – a big news story, when The Treasury quite rightly say ‘calm down’ ” (in a Scouse accent). Rayner tweeted: “Is the cost of living crisis just a joke to them? This is not a serious government. We need an emergency budget right now.” Nandy said Gove was “making jokes and using silly voices while families across the country are struggling to survive. This isn’t a game…Take it seriously. Do your job”. He also told GMB calls for Boris to resign over Partygate were ‘bonkeroony’. “Snifferoony more like!” snorted Phil. Memes of The Puppet sniffing coke ensued.
The poorest hit harder now than at the height of covid as rising prices and government policy pushed 1.5 m into poverty, NIESR* suggested a £25 a week increase in Universal Credit to stop ¼ million households ‘sliding into extreme poverty’. Labour MP Alex Cunningham said there should be no need for food banks. Ashfield MP Lee Anderson, ex-miner and labour councillor turned tory twat, incredulously replied there wasn’t; if people budgeted and cooked properly, they could make a meal from scratch for 30p. Tracy Bin proposed a £2 cap on Yorkshire bus fares. Ukraine cut off a gas pipeline to Europe. Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Akleh was shot dead in the West Bank. Palestinians blamed, her colleague who survived the attack knew it was Israeli soldiers. Police waded into her funeral Friday, hit mourners with batons and almost toppled the coffin. Dan James was sent off during Leeds United’s 3-0 defeat to Chelsea. More red cards than any other team, at least they’d win something this season!
On the market Thursday, a couple told Jolly Veg Man about the Eden Project coming to Morecambe. Comparing it to Southport and Blackpool. As Jolly Veg called the latter kitsch, I extolled its virtues. An old mate chipped in he used to go for Northern Soul weekends and recently visited while protesting against fracking on Preston New Road. He worried that not only would the public order bill ban direct action (XR vowed millions would take to the streets against it), the security bill allowed authorities to break the law. He agreed even tories were realising Boris was awful, excepting gammons saying ‘at least he got Brexit done’. “I’m still waiting for Rees-Moggy to tell us what the benefits are!” Phil joined me in the square and we headed into the Mill Café. Not tempted by the menu, we made a quick exit, laughing at a lamp made from a cheap old camera in the shop window – a snip at £75! In the tearoom garden, we debated the NI protocol. Phil thought Irish Joe would stop them scrapping it. The next day, Lord Frosty said Joe should keep out of it. Would Airforce One be landing soon? Phil spent ages browsing the camera cabinet in the big charity shop and got nowt. I bought DVDs, an old postcard and a dress. Looking posh, it was, incredibly, Matalan! In the children’s hospice shop, we found Photographer Friend. With a recent penchant for the colour, she tried on a pair of orange sandals. I observed they were too big. Phil disagreed. Luckily, she took my advice.
A caller told Jeremy Vine that at his food bank, a woman called tory policy ‘capitalism for the poor and socialism for the rich’ i.e., the poor had to pay their own way while the rich got tax breaks. Touché! GDP shrank by 0.1% in March, largely due to less retail spending. Rishi blamed Putin and ‘other global challenges’ (which he couldn’t make ‘disappear’) rather than Brexit or government inaction. National Grid did a deal with Ofgem to pay us £200 million excess profits; which worked out at £9 per household over 2 years. Wow! At an away day in Stoke, Boris instructed cabinet to find ways of cutting civil servants by 1/5. The biggest departments being the crucial ones like health, DWP, MOD, and as the PCS pointed out, DVLA and Passport Office clearing a backlog, furious unions warned of strikes. Mark Serwotka, said: “This is not about efficiency. This is about the prime minister trying to create a smokescreen to detract from his utter shambles of a government.” Dave Penman, FDA added: “without an accompanying strategy these cuts appear…like culture wars or even worse, ill-thought out, rushed job slashes.” Prospect’s Mike Clancy called it: “an outrageous act of vandalism on our public services…Throughout Brexit and the pandemic, we have never been more reliant…on our civil service.” After BP said it wouldn’t affect investment, Rishi apparently told Treasury staff to investigate a windfall tax. Boris conceded: “we’ll have to look at it.” Another 50 Partygate fines brought the total to over 100, many relating to the December 2020 Christmas party. As the EU prepared to lift requirements for flight passengers to wear masks next Monday, Lufthansa stopped Orthodox Jews boarding at Frankfurt for refusing to wear them. They later apologised. After Boris co-signed military agreements with both countries, spooked by the Ukrainian invasion, traditionally neutral Sweden and Finland (with an 800-mile land border with Russia) applied to join NATO. Boffins grew cress in soil from the moon and an EHT** collaboration took the first photos of a 40 million miles-wide supermassive black hole.
Squatter
Friday 13th, I’d forgot I’d left the laptop updating overnight and waited impatiently for it to restart. Combined with Phil’s ramblings interrupting my thoughts, it was some time before I could write.
Dodging dust from Shed Man sawing chipboard for oversized planters, I headed to the co-op for the usual gaps on shelves and reduced steak. I spotted Phil at the kiosk and sent him back for mushrooms while I loaded the conveyor.
Coming back, he pointed to a pigeon nesting in an ‘air brick’ at the back of house, explaining quizzical looks through the kitchen window – we had a squatter!
North Korea admitted they had coronavirus due to Omicron. Carlsberg boss Martin Entwistle lost an unfair dismissal case for holding a piss-up in a brewery during restrictions. Suffering heavy losses in Donbas, Russia threatened to cut off Finland’s gas while Ukraine started the first war crimes trial. A Russian tank commander pleaded guilty. Maybe a life sentence was preferable to returning to Russia.
Shed Man’s hammering woke me early Saturday. I tossed and turned ‘til 9, then he stopped! Milk in the jug lumpy, I replenished but that also turned to cheese. Still in date, was the warm weather, crap co-op stock-keeping or Brexit to blame? A beautiful day, I ignored tiredness to visit a higher wood, our efforts rewarded by our first lambs, more bluebells and poppies. Gorgeous but somewhat strenuous, back home I experienced wooziness and deafening tinnitus. Both overheated, tepid showers helped (for more details, see Cool Places i)
Sam Ryder’s stellar Eurovision performance put the UK top of the judges’ leader board. Inevitably overtaken by Ukraine thanks to the public, what was the point of the interminable voting? Germany came last and France sang in Breton – almost English! Kalush Orchestra later auctioned their trophy for £713,000 and raffled the frontman’s pink hat for £293,000 towards the war effort. Gone midnight, we watched a short film and I attempted to photograph the almost-full super blood moon just as clouds covered it.
Ed Millipede called a windfall tax ‘an unanswerable case’ and urged Rishi ‘get on with it’. On Sunday Morning, Wannabee PM Jeremy C**t said it wasn’t the time for a leadership change and Kwasi Modo unbelievably said they didn’t expect the EU to fully implement the Northern Ireland protocol. Politics North footage showed outraged gammons meeting in Linton-on-Ouse village hall after letters to government went unanswered. the RAF base was called Alcatraz and Guantanamo-on-Ouse. Gammon-on-Ouse more like! Refugees slated to arrive within weeks, there was no sign of them by the end of the month. Ministers said arrangements weren’t finalised. A statute of Thatcher in Grantham was egged during installation.
Ludicrous
Haiga – Colour Burst
Even with an anorak, taking rubbish out on a wet Monday made me soggy and moody. I checked when Walking Friend would arrive. Right then, as it turned out. Heading to town, we came across The Poet who checked details for wild swimming and a bonfire with their Bradford Friend Wednesday. Having lunch in the Mill Café, I initially thought grittiness was in lettuce but it was actually the day’s special of spinach frittata. The waitress took it away to be replaced by a regular toasty. Finishing tea on the terrace, my friend unbelievably received a call asking her to work. She declined at such short notice. In the small hospice shop, a guidebook to the lakes omitted her holiday spot. Perhaps that’s why she found it so idyllic. As the sun emerged, she asked if I fancied a hike. “No way! I’m already flagging and still need to go to the co-op.” Bargain shopping en route, I got dinner plates and a scarf, which I tried wrapping round the plates to stop them banging my legs. Now too hot for the anorak, I stuffed it in the carrier. A small girl on the wavy steps wore a tiara and another a pinny and cap. We speculated as to whether it was fancy dress or normal everyday attire. As we parted ways, I staggered to the co-op. The ATM empty, I resentfully paid for 2 items by card and struggled home, cursing the heavy crockery – at £2.50 for 4 and an exact match for our cracked ones, I couldn’t pass them up. I collapsed on the sofa where Phil predictably tutted at the food grit story – he’d have eaten it without complaint. A siesta fruitless, I sighed with fatigue. As he eyed me askance, I reminded him rather harshly, he’d promised to dispose of dead flowers. He snapped back he would do it. Upset, I stomped to the bedroom and heard him going to the bins before coming to see if I needed anything. Calmer by then, I replied I’d just needed some time to myself.
Towing the party line on focusing on long-term economic growth, safeguarding minister Helen Maclean incredibly said the answer for some was to work more hours or get another job. A caller told Jeremy Vine many food bank users already had 2 jobs and still couldn’t afford to eat. Ian Murray called the advice ludicrous and out of touch and Frances O’Grady called it ‘a bit rich’. What do you expect from rich tory snobs? McDonalds were to sell all 850 Russian restaurants.
Feeling terrible Tuesday, I stayed in bed. Phil seemed surprised that my exhaustion hadn’t dissipated overnight. “You still don’t get it!” I railed. “Yes I do.” After bathing, I fetched the laptop to write while he got supplies. During afternoon coffee, I hurled mouldy grapes out the bathroom window. They landed neatly in the community garden. I doubted they’d grow into vines.
3.7% unemployment, there were more vacancies than jobless for the first time in almost 50 years, but wages stayed low. Disparities in Yorkshire, especially between Bradford and Leeds, were stark. Calling it a postcode lottery, National Energy Action complained those who didn’t pay by direct debit faced longer waits for council tax rebates and as vulnerable families turned off their gas and leccy, Feeding Britain called on Ofgem to intervene. The Police Fed gave Nasty Patel a hard time. Fair enough, but why did you need food banks on £40,000 a year? Trussed-up Liz informed MPs of plans for a trusted trader scheme and green and red lanes in Northern Ireland. Likely illegal, Maros Sefcovic warned the EU would respond with ‘all measures at its disposal’ if Britain acted unilaterally. They wanted negotiations based on their October 2021 proposals which Truss had rejected. Stephen Doughty alleged they either didn’t understand their own agreement, they weren’t upfront about its reality or they intended to break it all along. A court heard Trafalgar Square rallies August-December 2020 broke covid laws. ‘Holding’ not the same as ‘organising’ a gathering, would tinfoiler Piers Corbyn get off on a technicality? Ukraine declared the Mariupol mission complete, 260 steel plant fighters were evacuated to separatist-controlled territory, and 1,000 surrendered by Wednesday.
Woken by tweeting birds in the early dawn, confused by the days and unable to even stretch, I stayed abed Wednesday and watched PMQs. After an arrest for sexual offences and abuse of public office, an unnamed tory was on bail and told not to attend. Cartoon Fabricant tweeted he’d be there to prove it wasn’t him. The opposition focused on fuel. When a backbencher claimed 9,000 died last year due to cold homes, Boris prated about a £9.1 bn package and offered hollow sympathy. Keir dwelt on windfall tax, quoting company bosses in favour of it, to be given unemployment figures, claims hikes were short-term and spurious arguments on the principles of business tax. Asked when he was going to cut bills, Boris promised to look at measures to get people through to the other side and hinted at tax cuts in July; only possible as they took tough decisions during the pandemic. Keir spluttered: “He doesn’t get it!” While the PM dithered and pretended the economy was booming, gas bills went up £53 m a day, profits soared; we’d heard it all before and couldn’t afford to wait. Ian Blackford wondered how Rishi could say acting now was silly while his colleagues advised we learn to cook and get better jobs. Ed Davey said farmers could help feed us, but costs of the 3 F’s (fuel, feed, fertiliser) through the roof, they’d slashed support before embedding a new scheme. Action for Children asserted families needed help now, not warm words hinting at future action.
Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.
Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.
April Inflation hit 9% – a 40-year high. Closer to 11% for the poor whose income mostly went on food and fuel, at least they could eat spuds which dropped in price. First-time shoplifters stealing to eat, Kit Shithouse ludicrously said cops should always prosecute, even the starving. Martin Lewis retaliated with threats of ‘civil unrest’. We lived in hope! Rishi Rich told the CBI there’d be business tax cuts in autumn. Oil giant CEs labelled the ‘new oligarchs’, he was said to be ‘warming’ to a windfall tax, with the public wildly in favour. The Rwanda plot failing to put migrants off, Border Farce used ferries to rescue them from dinghies in the channel. Prof Van Dam’s knighthood ceremony was postponed as he caught covid.
Fluffy Goslings
Much better by noon Thursday, I accompanied Phil to town for a bit of shopping and flower-spotting in the sunshine. Sweet Shop Man joked about his partner aka sister-in-law. I refused to get involved in domestics but at least he wasn’t bemoaning prices for a change. Rooks squawked on the riverside. Unusual for the larger corvids to come into the centre, a glut of food including cake and pan-o-rice could explain it. We giggled at geese parading their fluffy goslings in front of paddling kids. They’d obviously learnt begging techniques from the jackdaws!
Annoyed Phil let me sort groceries alone, I lay down to rest but got tummy ache and asked him to bring washing in.
Operation Hillman concluded. 126 Partygate FPNs, Boris nor Carrie, Rishi or Simon Case, got more. Sue Gray’s report unlikely to name all those involved and cops not explaining why Boris was fined for attending the cake ambush and not any of the more ‘serious’ events, Former DPP Lord Ken MacDonald griped: “without the police providing an explanation for that it’s very difficult for us to understand why they came to the conclusions that they did…This was a major scandal at the heart of government…we remain very much in the dark about who was involved, who organised the parties, and who was responsible…that’s not good enough.” Yvette Coop added: “These were the people making the rules, the PM was in charge, he needs to take responsibility.” Bereaved families said they’d been ‘gaslit’.
The weather back to normal grey Friday, and darkly wet by evening, at least I was up and about. I expunged the worst muck from the living room and kitchen. In the co-op, it took 3 attempts for the reader to accept my card. My namesake said it didn’t like Satan’s Bank. An item seemingly missing from the freezer deal, when he arrived to help carry, Phil said he’d get it the next day. But he was later immobilised by a recurring back problem. Flareups often random, he blamed heavy bags. As he put a finger-trigger to his head, I advocated painkillers rather than suicide. He settled for wine.
Autumn covid jabs for the vulnerable and older age groups would exclude us. Rees-Moggy poo-pooed a windfall tax as ‘raiding the honeypot of business’ while Rishi and Ms. Murthy made the Sunday Times Rich List. Colchester, Doncaster, Milton Keynes, Bangor, Dunfermline, Wrexham, Douglas and Stanley were made cities for the jubilee. Blackburn, Boston, Crewe and Goole missed out. Wondering why never Blackpool, I discovered their last bid in 2011 was withdrawn as the labour mayor thought it a waste of money and brought no benefits – nobody didn’t visit because they didn’t know where it was.
Hot flushes and hunger meant no lie-in Saturday. I left Phil to a bath soak. Stressed by a cluttered kitchen, it deepened when he brought the washing down. I’d deliberately not asked him to, but he said putting socks on was harder. I replied to an e-mail from The Researcher on the guest blog and expo venues and mused over an arts festival launch. It seemed odd to be happening during the jubilee weekend, until I noted they got Platinum Funding. Not known for being royalist, townsfolk obviously changed their tune when money was offered! As Phil insisted on taking over the hoovering, manageable by sitting on the floor, I went out to potter. Failing to fix secateurs with a missing spring, he helped prune anyway. I cooked the bulk of dinner then he put rice on, went to buy baccy and left the pan to boil dry.
Early Sunday leg cramp eventually eased with shaking and rubbing. Not wishing to disturb Phil, I was about to get brekkie when he sprang to life. His back still bad, he groaned, apologised, then suggested an outing. Mishearing, I thought he said for lunch. “No, a run.” “Really? Can you even walk?” “A bit.” “Is it a good idea? I had no plans as I thought you wouldn’t be able to do actual walking and the weather’s a bit crap.” He insisted on getting out. We took a cyberman helmet to the nearby charity shop (good riddance!) and went to the park to see flora. While the ‘wildflower patch’ was mowed, we found tons of dandelion clocks and daisies, horse chestnut candles and 1 clover.
On Sunday Morning, E-on boss Michael Lewis said rising gas prices were due to the Russian pipeline – I recalled it started before then. Citing schemes to help people struggling with bills, he admitted they could do more. Higher standing charges due to ‘failures’ last year, he couldn’t lower costs but had lobbied Ofgem to do so and government to do more such as reinstating the UC uplift. Queried on the £6.6 bn profit, he said that was worldwide and equated to £20 per customer in the UK. Moonlighting from a heist movie we’d just watched, Nads Zahawi spouted the usual blather and deflection over Partygate. As nobody named in the Gray report objected before the 5.00 p.m. deadline, publication was imminent. In a thrilling end to the season at the top and bottom of the premiership, Leeds beat Brentford to stay in at Burnley’s expense.
WTF!
Haiga – Lift Off!
Waking with a heavy head Monday 23rd, Phil interrupted haiga posting telling me he’d sold a tapestry, weirdly costing the same as a standard print. I imagined his brutalist photos writ large rather than trees. In the co-op, I inquired about the missing freezer deal item. The nice cashier directed me to a colleague who indicated a solitary pack which I’d missed. By then, a queue had formed at the kiosk. I waited ages for an ancient man to pay a gas bill. On hearing a booming ‘hello’, I turned to see New Gran’s partner. Poised to ask if she’d bought the oil painting, he was off. After lugging bags and stuffing the freezer, I was knackered.
Following days of denials, No. 10 admitted Boris, anticipating the end of Operation Hillman, met Sue Gray early May to discuss ‘timings and publication process’ of her report. ITV news published pics of Boris drinking behind a booze-littered table, toasting Lee Cain at his leaving do, November 2020. Rayner railed: “This is clearly a social gathering…people will be disgusted.” No. 10 insisted The Met had access to all photos. Insiders told Panorama weekly parties, condoned by the PM, were listed in the diary as WTF – ‘Wine-Time Friday’.
Tuesday mostly a boring round of chores and writing, we discussed potential for touting my photos. He reckoned I had even more of flowers than him and thinking daisies and dandelions might make good placemats, I edited some, signed up to Society 6, but chickened out of verifying the account.
Spreading since last week to 18 countries, there were 71 monkeypox cases in the UK. The infected had to self-isolate for 21 days. Responsive to smallpox vaccine and Tecovirimat and most cases mild, the wider population was at low risk. 80 climate protestors took over Shell’s AGM and 3 arrested. Lithuania proposed a passage to get grain out of Odesa, defying the Russians to stop a fleet of ships. Allegedly raised with Trussed-Up Liz, Downing Street dismissed the idea. As idiots swarmed onto the Elizabeth Line, a fire alarm caused chaos. Cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma pleaded guilty and would do 180 hours community service. A geothermal exploration project in Ryedale inspired daft ideas about re-activating extinct volcanoes. Who wouldn’t want a boiling hot lido in the middle of Edinburgh?
Wednesday morning, Phil took up my offer of fetching brekkie “I see, you only want to do it on apple days!” A Westminster TV marathon involved PMQs, a statement from Boris and a response from Keir.
Undistracted by a skirt-clad Rayner crossing her legs, Boris boasted he was great, had driven up investment and jobs and put his arms round people (ugh!) doable by taking tough decisions. Keir said the PM had seen sense at last regarding a windfall tax, quipped hindsight was a wonderful thing and referring to delivery to No. 10 that morning, asked: “What was it about the Sue Gray report that attracted him to a U-turn this week?” Boris reacted with more bragging, bizarrely saying: “Put that in your pipe!” Accused of complacency leading to the lowest growth of all major economies except Russia and a passport backlog, Boris babbled.
Responding to the Gray reportiii, Boris said he took full responsibility but wanted to explain the context. According to him, there were 8 breaches of covid laws in over 600 days. Staff, allowed to go to the office under exemptions, worked long hours, and he sometimes went briefly when they ‘gathered’, to thank them for hard work. He was unaware that some went on longer than necessary and fell foul of the rules as Gray found, because he wasn’t there and was ‘appalled’ by some behaviour, particularly the treatment of security and cleaning staff to whom he apologised and expected those responsible to apologise. He pointed out Gray acknowledged the ‘significant changes’ already made in line with recommendations in her interim report. Keir countered the report was testament to how they’d treated the public’s sacrifices with utter contempt, believing it was ‘one rule for them, another for everyone else’. It was about trust; he was clear what leadership looked like and didn’t break any rules. Any attempt to compare drinking beer with a meal to ‘this catalogue’ was ridiculous, but he would step down if found guilty, because honesty, integrity and responsibility mattered. “The game is up. You can’t be a law-maker and a law-breaker”; it was time the PM packed his bags so government could function again. Boris retaliated that a sanctimonious ‘Sir Beer Korma’ failed to live up to the high standards he expected from him. A privileges committee investigation into contempt by the PM would drag on.
A siesta hampered by external noise and coldness, I donned leggings under my jeans – in late May FFS!
Working on my novel for the first time in months Thursday, I got distracted researching conjuring tricks. Fed up stuck in the house again on a showery day, a decent Friday forecast again raised hopes of something fun. I forbade Phil help with the co-op shop. Amidst the usual random foray, several items had noticeably gone up in price but with an effort hunting out basic ranges and 2 for 1 offers, I stayed in budget. I agreed with Jack Munroe who told the BBC shopping on £20 a week was ‘exhausting’ as she supported Superdrug’s pledge on basic toiletries. Late evening, a sunny spell tempted me outside. Clambering on the bench moving pots around, my knee got wet and I went back in after 5 minutes. Phil emerged from a rest groaning, saying it was just a twinge – likely story!
Rishi Rich announced a £400 discount per household regardless of wealth and including second homes, instead of the £200 loan, with top-ups for low income households on benefits, disability benefit recipients and pensioners. There’d also be another £500 m for councils to allocate. £10 bn more borrowing and a 25% ‘energy levy’ (NOT windfall tax!) raising £5 bn from oil and gas companies, would pay for it. Unlevied electricity generators were under review. The NEF reckoned a 91% tax relief on investment would cost more at £5.7 bn, and the true cost was £21 bn. Rachel Reeves said Rishi was dragged kicking and screaming into a U-turn: “the chancellor has finally realised the problems the country are facing (sic).” Suspiciously soon after Gray’s report, Ed Davey griped it only replaced what was taken away in taxes and called it a ‘Rishi Scam’. He could have said party trick! The SNP agreed it wasn’t enough as the increased price cap would still exist next year. The IFS warned it might lead to more inflation and staunch tories termed it ‘throwing red meat to socialists’. Rishi insisted it was pragmatic. Paul Hebbletwit gave a sham apology to sacked P&O workers, saying there was no other way to deal with the situation. The shitshow subsequently lost a contract with Border Farce to provide contingency travel services at juxtaposed ports, whatever that meant! M&S finally pulled out of Russia, warning it’d cost £31m. RMT members at Euston and Green Park cancelled a tube strike during jubilee weekend but there’d be a much bigger one Monday 6th June. Meanwhile, Mick Lynch said there could be a deal to avert a national rail strike if bosses talked.
Interminable faffing meant it was gone by the time we went walking Friday. The bright afternoon looked inviting but a biting wind made us shiver. We walked on the sunny towpath, detouring to explore a desire path and speak to an elderly man about his funny old souped-up car. Phil conjured images of a geriatric F&F, with OAPs racing in the deserted early morning streets. We returned via the park where the woman who lived next door was meeting a friend. Not seeing each other for weeks, we chatted briefly. According to her sister, Poland also had unseasonal wind – was it the same one? (for more details, see Cool Placesi)
I left Phil at the co-op to find an ambulance backing up our street. Concerned for The Widower, I was relieved to see him pass – it was probably a regular call for End Neighbour. Too late for a siesta, I got coffee then realised Phil wasn’t back and must’ve gone to town. I rang to ask him to buy pickles but he was almost home.
Nasty Patel’s PPS Paul Holmes quit due to the ‘toxic culture’. Daniel Briceno Garcia was found guilty of stabbing his landlords in a bloodbath while paranoid about covid in lockdown #1. After EasyJet cancelled 200 flights due to a glitch, the Port of Dover told people heading to the continent to pack food and water in anticipation of delays and the RAC predicted 17.9 million leisure trips over the weekend.
Gardening on a mostly cloudy Saturday, I overheated during a blast of sun, stripped off a layer and gulped water. I caught the woman next door racing from car to door, and talked to Decorating Neighbour who suffered from chronic fatigue, possibly post-viral. I shared my wisdom, experiences of life on a reduced income and unreadiness for foreign travel. He concurred but planned to visit his daughter in Australia later in the year. Phil came out in a shirt. Was he off somewhere? No; just too hot. Despite Friday’s walk affecting his back, he tidied up a rosebush and made chapatis to go with curry. I’d forgot how much smoke they produced, which all rose to the bedroom. “Do it outside in future; on a bin lid!” I coughed.
Screeching geese and leg cramp, for the second Sunday running, ate into shuteye. Rising woozily, I opened the curtains to see grey to the east and blue to the west, which soon went. I hurried to the Sunday market for fresh supplies, getting spat on in the cool air. The crammed square a slalom, I found the knobbly veg stall already packing up, grabbed a few items and went to the convenience store. Back home, the woman next door was getting in her car. It tickled us that we’d now seen each other 3 times in as many days. Mentioning the veg trip, she told me she was fasting because she lacked energy – go figure! I spent the rest of the day on an Ocado order, writing and avoiding toadying, now in full swing in the build-up to the jubilee.
The Bumbler changed the ministerial code so they no longer had to resign if they broke it. Met with derision and claims it was to save the PM’s own skin, 4 more tories publicised letters to the 1922 committee. Swiss Toni insisted Boris would survive a confidence vote and Sue Gray wasn’t pressured to amend her report. Raging over its contents, Boris shouted ‘put the dog down!’; referring to a barking Dilyn. Apparently not the first time, it wasn’t as bad as yelling: ‘I am the effing Fuhrer’ despot-style as The Scumbag attested. An aide wrote Simon Case that Carrie held another flat party after the cake ambush which wasn’t investigated. Rayner demanded the PM came clean. Johnny Depp unbelievably turned up as a special guest at Jeff Beck’s gig in Sheffield. It later transpired he’d won his case against Amber Herd. Meanwhile in Paris, The Mona Lisa was ambushed by cake by a man disguised as a granny in a climate change protest and the champions league final turned into a debacle. The French blamed Liverpool fans with fake tickets. Russia advancing in the east, Vlod visited frontline troops in Donetsk. After Finland and Sweden held talks with Turkey over their NATO bid, Recep still objected, saying they protected the PKK.
Haiga – Lace Work
With numb limbs, I rose late Monday, posted a haiga, sent photos to The Researcher for the takeover blog and worked on the journal. Adding chick peas to leftover curry sauce for lunch, I observed it came to under 30p a portion, then realised with bread, it didn’t! Metro’s Liz Burcher did it for a week, ate less than 900 calories a day and lost half a stone. A trip to the co-op quiet during half-term, I substituted extortionate pitta for tortillas. Was there a yeast shortage? Was it from Ukraine?
Senior tory Jeremy Wright issued a no confidence statement, bringing the known total to 28. ONS tracked 30 food basics bought by low income households since April 2021, showing pasta up 50%. Bread, mince, rice, juice, cereal, chicken, veg oil, baked beans, onions, toms, tea, coffee, bananas and mixed frozen veg, amongst other things, went up. Besides spuds, chips, sausages, pizza, apples and cheese went down. Milk stayed the same. The algorithm excluded Aldi and Lidl as they didn’t allow online ordering, and obviously co-op freezer deals. A vindicated Jack Munroe said people were priced out of their own dinners. On the covid front, face-mask were no longer required in Wales, Shanghai lifted a 2-month lockdown but citizens had to wear masks and avoid gatherings, and 3 gorillas tested positive at Cabarceno Nature Park, Spain.
Waking lots in the early hours, getting up was even harder on Tuesday. By the time I’d bathed, lateness reached weekend levels. As I cleaned the inside of the living room windows, Phil quipped it was in case the queen came round. “I think she’s busy this weekend, but you can put your bunting up, ha, ha!” A chugger knocked on the door as I brought step ladders down. I said it was a bad time. “I’ll come back later.” ‘Don’t bother!’ I muttered.
Andrea Leadskull told constituents that as Gray exposed unacceptable leadership failures, tories must decide individually on the right course of action. Will Haig reckoned MPs went back to their constituents in half-term and had a think, Boris was in ‘real trouble’ and a confidence vote imminent. Boris desperately rang round colleagues to garner support. He also wrote to civil servants, thanking them in one sentence and telling them there jobs were at risk in the next, according to Mark Serwotka. Meanwhile, Durham police sent Keir and Rayner Beergate questionnaires. Teaching unions asked Rishi and heist movie actor Nads Zahawi for free school meals for all kids of families on Universal Credit. Euro-zone inflation hit 8.1%, due to the usual suspects of fuel, covid and the war but not Brexit! As Russia blamed sanctions for the food crisis, Vlod accused them of lying and stealing 500,000 tons of grain. The EU would embargo 90% of Russian oil imports by the end of 2022, exempting the Druzhba (‘friendship’) pipeline to appease Viktor Orban.
* National Institute of Economic and Social Research
“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)
Lovely Jubbly!
Platinum Jubbly
Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigai and journal, and worked on the next episode.
Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21st February, there’d be no Novax!
Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”
Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?
Cancel Culture
Pass the Salt!
As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.
The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.
Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.
I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.
Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!
Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.
Menagerie
Haiga – Up in the Air
Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.
Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.
Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!
Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.
Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?
I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.
Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomi. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?
The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.
“Every game, no matter the opposition, has the potential to create a lifelong memory for an England fan somewhere” (Gareth Southgate)
Sterling Summer
Starry Rotten Apple
Wobbly Monday morning, I could hardly lift my heavy limbs off the bed or focus my eyes. I craved more sleep but nature called. After crawling over the bed to open curtains, I looked upon grey mizzle and succumbed to the chronic fatigue – only for a couple of days this time. I worked on the laptop until my eyes became blurry again and managed a few small chores with Phil’s help, legs aching as I ascended back upstairs. After applying weeks ago, DVLA sent a reminder to renew my license, a day before it arrived. The ugly thing sported the old photo off my passport, a lurid union jack and mysterious symbols which Phil had to interpret. But the hologram was clever. Railing against coffee-cupper incompetence, I later discovered there were issues with unsafe covid practices and strikes at the Swansea office.
Needing extra veg to accompany leftover wartime roast for dinner, I was still wary of using the microwave even though Phil declared it fine. Thinking a pile of tins on top made it overheat, he temporarily removed them. They needed a better home but there was nowhere else to put them. In the footie, Switzerland scored a stonking late goal. The match went to extra time and penalties where they beat France 5-4. Mbappe missing the last one, I observed they had some great players but a lot of prima donnas and didn’t play as a team. A bit too exciting for that time of night, I went back to bed and watched boring Newsnight. I fell asleep quickly but woke a couple of hours later to lie in a stupor sweating cobs.
PHE reckoned vaccines saved 27,000 lives and prevented 7m infections. Prof. Matthew Snape of Oxford Uni and chief investigator in the Com-Cov trial found mixing AZ and Pfizer jabs gave a robust immune response. In his first statement to The House as health sec, Goblin Saj said they were on course to lift restrictions by 19th July; it wasn’t the end of the line, but the start of an exciting new journey, no date came with no risk and we must learn to live with the virus. The Bumbler went to Batley to idiotically pose in hi-viz and hard hat and claim credit for Cock’s resignation: “that’s why when I saw the story on Friday we had a new secretary of state in on Saturday.” Downing Street officials contradicted his version of events saying he accepted Cock’s resignation after Saturday’s discussions. Did he ever stop lying? Angela Rayner said there were serious unanswered questions. “A fish rots from the head down. And by failing to sack the former health secretary, Johnson proved he doesn’t have the leadership qualities or judgement required to be prime minister.” As the PM denied ministers used private e-mails for official business, she brandished print-outs of the messages. Amid concerns of the Delta variant, Portugal, Spain, Malta and Hong Kong imposed new restrictions on UK tourists. A 14 day quarantine for Portugal except Madeira, was effective immediately,. From Wednesday, Malta would only accept fully-vaccinated travellers and negative PCR test were needed to get into The Balearics, the same day they’d be added to the green list. Hong Kong put the UK on a ‘very high risk’ list. All direct flights were banned from Thursday as well as arrivals except residents and relatives.
Still mostly abed on a warm, sunny Tuesday, I ventured downstairs to watch the big telly at 5. I felt more nervous than excited as along with 20 million fellow-viewers, we saw England face Germany. In a goalless first half, 2 yellow cards were issued including to Kalvin Philips. “He loves a tackle,” observed the commentator. “Yes, that’s why he plays for Leeds!” I quipped. Sterling broke the duck well into the second half, Muller missed by miles, then Kane came to life to clinch a 2-0 victory. Boris watched the game with Carrie and moronically cheered then asked: ‘was that a goal? Stick to rugger, posh boy! Cue memes of him watching the Cock snog and ‘hands, face, bum’ captions. In the post-match interview, Gareth Southgate was pleased they gave to joy to the nation but said it was all for nothing if they didn’t win the next games. No it wasn’t! You beat Germany! The rollercoaster over, we both admitted thinking England would win but didn’t want to jinx it. After all, they were a great team, Germany weren’t anymore and it was at Wembley. Rome next for a quarter final against Ukraine (who beat Sweden in extra time), fans were warned not to travel – a 5-day quarantine meant they wouldn’t be free until Sunday.
After making crumble on Saturday, a few decaying apples remained. I cut into them to see if any parts were edible to find one made an arty rotten star. At half-time, I flung pieces from the doorstep for the crows. One landed appropriately on the Christmas tree. Enjoying the feel of a summer’s eve, I sat on the bench a while to absorb Vitamin D. On going back inside, a sudden cold draft and distant thunder suggested storms a-coming. “Winds of change!” intoned Phil. I was very sleepy after being up so long and hoped it augured well. However, it took some time to drop off, and I again woke hot and sweaty in the night.
Gen Sir Nick Carter testing positive, other top commanders and Ben Wally self-isolated. Cases rose in Scotland and they lifted the travel ban to the North West, after reviewing data and talking. There’d been no deaths in Wales for a week. With 5.1% of pupils absent, Goblin Saj looked at replacing bubbles with daily testing in schools. The Salesman subsequently announced bubbles would be scrapped at the end of the summer term, coinciding with stage 4 of the roadmap. Prof Finn claimed kids didn’t get ill much. Yes, but they could still pass it on! john Edmunds said recommending vaccines for kids needed careful consideration. The Salesman also suggested ways to increase discipline such as banning mobile phones in classrooms. Hockridge denied harassing Nick Watt because ‘traitor’ wasn’t an abusive term and accused the BBC of spreading fear and lies. Australia imposed lockdowns on Sydney, Darwin, Perth and Brisbane. Blame fell on the Delta variant leaking from poor air circulation in quarantine hotels and ‘weak border spots’ allowing workers to travel. FRC* investigated Saffrey Champness and PWC audits of Greensill Capital and Weylands Bank. The queen’s platinum jubilee do was billed as a ‘reopening ceremony for the UK’. Bands, street theatre, circus acts and puppets would clog central London.
Head Wind
Bad Spelling
Feeling heavy again Wednesday morning, I crawled across the bed to open the curtains and slumped back down. Another lovely day, I opened the window and tried not to be depressed at missing out, especially as we’d planned a rare daytrip by train. We shared a laugh at Beverley Swivel-head arguing with Nina Guardian on Jeremy Vine. Banging on about ivermectin, she claimed the anti-parasitic drug cured covid and referred to YouTube guidelines – because that was the best source of medical knowledge obs!
Phil worked downstairs while I sat on the bed rather than in it, worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Keir asked why The Bumbler hadn’t sacked The Cock immediately. He replied there was a new health sec by Saturday. Repeating this fact 4 times, he missed the point – it wasn’t about moving fast but taking the lead. What did you have to do to get sacked? Keir called it a ridiculous answer and persisted: did you sack The Cock or ask him to resign? Boris deflected by saying Keir had fired and re-hired his own deputy. Keir pressed the PM on Matt’s girlfriend also being his aide; according to his own guidance, he should challenge such obvious conflicts of interest. Boris blathered. Keir proceeding to reference people who’d died, Boris totally dismissed the question, saying he was concentrating on vaccines not the ‘Westminster Bubble’. Was that the bubble he lived in? Viewing sleaze as a ‘bubble story’ again showed what a bunch of hypocrites they were! Keir suggested he retract the totally inappropriate response and asked him if he quizzed The Cock on breaking other rules. Again getting no answer, he concluded ‘no questions asked Friday, no questions answered today’ and observed a pattern: Boris backed The Scumbag, The Jerk, Nasty Patel and now The Cock, reinforcing the message it was ‘one rule for them, another for everybody else’.
In the afternoon I sorted a backlog of phone photos. Saved to umpteen locations, I connected it to the laptop to view folders which inevitably entailed a software update. Before dinner, Phil remarked “It’s nice out. I might go for a walk.” Tempted, I rallied to join him for an evening stroll. Spotting Walking Friend and her companion drinking at the corner pub, we chatted from the other side of the wall about my bright pink cardi, their hike to interesting stones further afield and mutual acquaintances. A fellow participant in the research project, he’d never set eyes on the researcher even though they lived in the same village. We crossed to the canal and were accosted by a woman on the tea barge. “Where did you get that colour?” Thinking she meant the lurid cardi, she indicated my recently refreshed orange hair. We proceeded into the park. Teasels framed the football pitch where small groups of teenagers socialised. Bright blooms sprouted from wildflower patches. Badly-spelled graffiti raised a chuckle. Over the lock bridge, we were hailed by drunkards. Realising we knew them from pub days of yore, Phil joked “It’s the new local!” Passing the co-op carpark, we ran into an ex-neighbour. Now only living 5 minutes away, it was strange how little we saw her. “You never know, maybe we’ll see each other in Corfu. Do you remember?” she asked. I did indeed recall the encounter several years ago but doubted it would happen again in the near future. Back home, I headed straight to the kitchen to make soup. Annoyed at the lack of help, I told Phil: “I’m never doing an evening walk again, getting home knackered and hungry, if I get no help with dinner.” “Sorry.”
A ‘levelling up’ survey revealed schools in deprived areas lost money to the better-off. Deaths from covid 25% higher in Manchester, local health leaders said the wider issues of education, deprivation and housing needed to be addressed in childhood. Overseas business leaders from amber list countries no longer had to go to quarantine hotels but had to isolate when not dealing. Hospital cases rose to 1,525 with 245 on ventilators. Still lots lower than the second peak in January, a PM spokesman told us the rise was expected and prepared for but Stephen Reicher warned of repeating last summer’s mistakes when the government suggested it was our patriotic duty to go to work and the pub. If infections never got low enough to deal with later spikes, there’d be more lockdowns in autumn and a dismal winter: ”vaccination has made a huge difference, but the danger is, if we overstate it, and we over-rely on it…we undermine its good effects…so it’s belt and braces…it doesn’t mean you forget about everything else.” He wanted more support for people self-isolating, improved ventilation and public health measures and a faster TIT system. JCVI still not yet clear if it was necessary, early plans for autumn boosters were revealed: Stage 1 – the elderly, vulnerable, NHS and care staff (given with the flu jab). Stage 2 – over 50’s and over 18’s ‘at risk’. The Counter Terrorism Operations Centre opened in West London. The 328ft, 28 storey HQ was a revamp of the 1962 Empress State Building, complete with revolving restaurant. Newsnight featured conspiracy theorist telegram groups, letting them air their cretinous views that coronavirus was a nefarious plot to implant us with tiny chips and de-populate the planet. I failed to see the point of the package.
Stormy Thursday
The Wurst is Not Over
Better on Thursday, I did a few exercises and fetched brekkie. Phil helped change the bed and left me to hoover until I got hot and tired. I took the laptop down to work in the living room, hung sheets on the line and headed out. The elderly woman, not distraught today, shouted down the street “lovely article!” referring to Valley Life which landed on doorsteps that morning. Thanking her, I briefly told her about the picnic kerfuffle and hurried onto the market. Town busy, shopping entailed a close encounter with a fat man at the toiletries stall (at least they were there) and the jolly veg man trying to overcharge me again (for the second time running). On the way home, I went via the ironmongers in search of exterior paint to realise I had no mask. I returned after lunch. Not having the right sort of paint, I went to the site of a former decorating shop, forgetting it turned into an Asian grocers ages ago, and looked for the animal-loving vegan café on the same road. Definitely closed as Phil had read on socials, I had no idea where the birds had gone. Taking a short-cut between the back of 2 pubs, the narrow backstreet was lined with tables and chairs just like the Med!
Hot and tired, I dossed on the sofa before assessing garden furniture while Phil fetched wood planks from the attic to use for repairs. Too big to fix the near bench, he went searching on the mill re-development site but got nowt. Meanwhile, I removed dry rot. He asked if I had any anti-freeze from my car-owning days and found a full can. No idea it could revitalise the dry slats, he informed me it’s what they used on the Mary Rose. Sometimes random knowledge comes in handy. The woman next door seemed impressed too, We then scraped peeling varnish off the far bench and applied wood stain. Decorating neighbour came by and congratulated us on doing it right. Overheating again, we retreated indoors for Magnums and coffee.
26,068 news cases were found in England, over 3,00 in Scotland; 2,00 traced to the Euros and 1,294 caused by Scots fans going to the derby in London. WHO estimated the footie led to global cases rising 10%. Germany complained of irresponsibly large crowds at venues like Wembley. TV doctors listed new symptoms associated with the variant. Suffering most of them every day, should I worry? Did I have long-covid?
1st July marked the first day of the second half of the year and the cut-off for EU citizens who’d failed to navigate the complicated system, to be able to stay in the UK. Furlough would start tapering off, the business rates holiday would end, and VAT and stamp duty would rise. Gary Smith of GMB cried: “Ministers are seriously misguided if they think we can suddenly revert to business as usual.” A record 6,000 migrants crossing the English Channel since 1st January, charities accused government of creating a ‘people smuggler’s dream’ in a quest to build ‘Fortress Britain’. In Sunderland, Nissan built a new electric car and a huge battery plant, with financial support from The Treasury. Boris went to wear a stupid silver racing jacket labelled PM and hinted some restrictions might stay after 19th July. After a vicious by-election campaign involving the odious George Galloway and canvassers requiring police protection due to harassment and egging, labour clung onto Batley & Spen by a shrunken majority of 323. The leftie vote split by The Workers Party (closely aligned to CPGP), tories allegedly defected over The Cock affair and silence on dirty tactics. Kim Leadbeater claimed it was a vote of hope over division. Vegan poet Benjamin Zephaniah noted he was the only anarchist ever invited onto the QT panel and said we couldn’t go back to normal as that was what caused the pandemic in the first place i.e., eating animals.
Still achy but much less fatigued on Friday, I researched HQ Creative Industries lab mentioned in Metro. This division of Harper Collins aimed to support under-represented groups. Thinking I had a chance of qualifying as socio-economically disadvantaged, I flicked through some of my old writing for submission ideasi. After shopping and lunch, I applied another layer of anti-freeze on the near bench but thought varnishing a bit chancy with leaden skies. Next door’s gardener introduced herself and remarked on the restoration project. “I learnt the hard way that it’s much better to rehydrate dry wood rather than slap paint on. It just peels off again.” Discussing recent lack of rain and the challenges of growing plants in the South Pennines, she kindly offered to expunge some of our creeping buttercup and crocosmia. As a prelude to the evening’s footie, I read ‘Dear England’ by Gareth Southgate. I agreed with Phil it was rather goodii. In the first quarter-final of Euro 2020, Switzerland and Spain drew 1 all. As a Swiss player was sent off, Phil said it would be easy for Spain. They did win but only after extra time and a scrappy penalty shoot-out. They’d face Italy in the semi next week. After films, we watched an episode of Apparitions. Not sure how we missed it when it was on normal telly, Phil assured me the exorcism details were quite accurate.
Estate agent Lewis Hughes was charged with common assault on Chris Witless and lost his job. UK cases of the Delta variant quadrupled in less than a month and rose 46% in a week. The day of the launch of the EU Digital Covid Certificate, it turned out the EMA hadn’t yet approved the Indian Covishield version of Astra-Zeneca meaning those jabbed with it couldn’t go to Europe. The batch numbers matching our first dose, it was just as well we were resigned to not going abroad this year. Boris played down the issue and an expert called it an admin error that should be quickly resolved. Banger wars averted for 2 months, a long-term solution to the Northern Ireland protocol was still needed. The Merkel meeting The Bumbler at Chequers, was optimistic ‘pragmatic solutions’ could be brokered. Was the wurst behind us? I thought not. She said double-vaccinated Brits would be welcome in ‘the foreseeable future’ without quarantine but repeated concerns about Wembley crowds. Popular German brand Haribo struggled to get sweets to Britain. 30,000 delayed HGV tests and drivers returning to their home countries after Brexit led to a shortage of hauliers. Sales were up at Primark, JB Sports and Revolution bars (originating in my home town).
Thunder Head
Haiga – The Beautiful Game
Mostly grey on Saturday, I stayed home, draft-posted the journal, spent ages getting rid of cobwebs behind kitchen cupboards and took recycling out in a bright spell as lesser-seen neighbours came by. They told me they were moving to Barnard Castle, because you couldn’t buy white goods here anymore. It takes all sorts! Having moaned their huge garden was too much work now he’d retired, he then made a snooty comment about our tiny garden. Knowing them slightly from a dance class a few years ago, I never knew they were so snobby! Phil went shopping in town. Not too busy, we guessed everyone was saving themselves to go mad during the footie later even though he only spotted 1 pub with a telly. Dinner not quite ready before the game, we watched the first few minutes on the kindle while eating, but still managed to miss the first goal due to a delay. England beat Ukraine by a stunning 4-0. More fans than expected in Rome, they were allegedly expats. We suspected some got there in roundabout ways. The next game would be a semi-final against Denmark at Wembley. Phil quiet all night, a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder prompted him to confess he’d suffered from the air pressure. “Aah! Thunder head!” Alas, the downpour didn’t follow and his migraine persisted.
Sunday breakfast was hampered by clutter and mouldy bread making me stressed and panicky. Phil characteristically arrived the moment I’d done it all. Sick of food waste, I vowed not to use recycled bags ever again. A flash of lightning and a loud thunderbolt this time presaged a massive thunderstorm. Phil had thunder head again and bad hand cramp. Feeling disabled, he persisted in working on the computer. Photographer friend posted on Facebook that her studio was flooded but I saw reports of nothing elsewhere. I wrote a haiga with a topical football themeiii and tagged the journal. Mistakenly adding a whole paragraph, I found a quicker way of editing tags and spent all day on it.
According to a React 2 study, long-covid affected 2 million people. On the Marr, Stephen Powis said it encompassed a range of symptoms, clinics were treating them, and kids got it even if they hadn’t been very ill with the virus itself. Rachel Reeves came on to say ‘The Science’ a lot and that the government needed to present evidence to parliament instead of to the press. She agreed with Stephen that not sorting out social care put pressure on the NHS and accused Boris of ‘neglect and failure. IDS and 5 other ex-chancellors wanted the extra £20 on UC to stay. I agreed, but it was rich coming from the guy who invented it! After an EU summit and a week in isolation with covid, Luxembourg PM Xavier Bettel went to hospital.
“A good news story at last…struggling Westminster family rescued from ‘John Lewis nightmare’ by generous anonymous donor” (Barry Sheerman)
The English Langwage
Haiga – Timeless
Waking in the bright early dawn Monday, I turned over and slept ‘til 9. Jeremy Vine featured a campaign to make English words easier to spell. It had us in stitches. Examples included ‘wosh’, ‘Receev’ and ‘guud iedei’. Wondering who’d come up with this guff, it turned out to be the result of 3 years intense coffee-cupping by The Spelling Societyi. Inspired, we came up with our own, without the need for umpteen focus groups. E.g.: langwage; alfabet; soop; shop-bort; komershull; vakseen; actchewal; dementure.
After blog posting and grotty chores, I grouted the tiles on the bathroom cube and planted wild garlic bulbs. Uprooted by accident when picking, we now had 6 plants in tubs. I’d forgotten I’d made a pile of detritus 2 weeks ago and filled a black bag with it, while a wasp annoyingly buzzed round my head. Hot and thirsty, I retreated indoors for water and a lie down.
Vaccinations reached 43m, of which 33m were first and 10m second jabs. As cases in India still soared and the majority of the 103 variant cases in the UK were linked to travel, New Delhi went into a week’s lockdown and the whole country went onto the travel red list. Effective from 4.00 a.m. Friday, Boris was forced to cancel his trade trip. The European Super League confirmed late Sunday night, the big 6 English clubs were set to join along with 3 Italian and 3 Spanish teams. Much condemnation and consternation ensued. Greedy owners were lambasted by ‘legacy’ fans. UEFA called it ‘disgraceful’ and ‘self-serving’. JP Morgan underwrote loans for The Super League Company who instigated legal action so UEFA couldn’t stop players partaking in other international competitions. Number 10 looked at options such as fan ownership or clawing back Covid loans and Jose Mourinho was sacked from Spurs. Rishi Rich announced a digital currency taskforce, denying it meant the end of English cash. Perseverance flew the Ingenuity helicopter on Mars. The two NASA bots endearingly took photos of each other.
Phil had struggled with his vision all day making him quite depressed but perked up in the evening. Watching our customary Monday night film, I could hardly keep my peepers open. Hoping for a decent night, the droning generator meant it took ages to get any sleep, even with earplugs and the meditation tape. Wakened by an almighty crashing and clanging at 4. 50 a.m., I was absolutely furious. And then it was only 3 hours until the engineering works re-commenced!
Tuesday morning, I felt back at square one with extreme fatigue and a headache. At the end of my tether, I fumed in bed while Phil fetched breakfast and tried to cheer me up. I forced a chuckle as he pulled funny faces. Wobbling downstairs for chores and writing, I opened the living room window for fresh air to promptly re-close it as the incessant din reached a crescendo. The forecast good, we’d planned a walk but the sun disappeared and I wasn’t up to it anyway. Desperate for respite, I took valerian before a siesta. Slightly chilled out, I didn’t fully relax, gave up and placed an Ocado order.
On the campaign trail Monday, Keir was invited to the Raven in Bath by one of the co-owners. In a rage that Labour hadn’t opposed lockdowns, the other owner, Rod Humphris, screamed: “get out of my pub!” The sociopath came on Jeremy Vine Tuesday morning saying ‘look at Sweden’. It was incredulous the likes of him still got a platform to spout their nonsense after a year of suffering and death! Lucy Moreton of the Immigration Services Union said 100 fake covid passes were detected at UK borders every day, airports were breeding grounds as arrivals from different countries were confined indoors and mixed in queues with no social-distancing, and there was no way to know if they quarantined as required.
English Pastimes
Free Sage
The night quieter, I anticipated noise disturbance any minute but it didn’t come until 8.20 Wednesday morning; mercifully not as loud as the previous day. A communique on the mayoral elections did nothing to change my opinion of the motley crew. Most were Leeds-based, the English Democrat candidate’s address wasn’t even in Yorkshire, and Reform UK (nee The Brexit Party) were anti-lockdown nutters (no wonder Anne Widdecombe was in it!) Similarly, the fruit-loop Freedom Alliance standing for the local council, spouted a load of conspiracy guff. A leaflet pushed through the letterbox later in the week had literally been hand-rolled on a Gestetner. The reek of old-fashioned ink took me back to early anarchist group days!
After the inevitable happy birthday to the queen, Keir led PMQ’s by referencing texts from the Bumbler to James Brexit Dyson. In response to Dyson’s lobbying, the PM personally promised he’d fix an issue over the tax status of workers returning to make ventilators at the start of the pandemic (which never materialised). Days later, Rishi announced workers coming to the UK wouldn’t have their tax status changed. “One rule for those that have got the prime ministers’ phone number, another for everybody else.” Keir railed, “if a nurse had (his) phone number would they get the 4% pay rise?” Boris replied: “I make absolutely no apology at all for shifting heaven and earth…to secure ventilators for the people of this country.” Keir batted back with accusations of tax breaks for tory chums, pushing colleagues to help Greensill and dodgy PPE deals. With new allegations every day, it was “sleaze, sleaze, sleaze…all on his watch!” Boris typically evasive, played the old Captain Hindsight card. A labour spokesman later said there was evidence the ministerial code was breached and further ammunition came from Transparency International UK who identified 73 crony contracts, and possible criminality.
For the first time since cafes and pubs were allowed to have seating, we had lunch out. It looked pleasant from indoors but as we set off, the sun hid behind clouds and a cool breeze whipped up. We sat outside the Turkish café for a chilly al-fresco lunch – a very English pastime! German Friend came by and asked me to share pre-diabetic tips sometime. She’d booked a table at the pub on the square for herself and a mutual friend (whom we’d last seen March 2020; just before she went into hospital at the start of lockdown #1). I went in the sweet shop for some non-essential shopping while Phil loitered outside the animal charity shop. We perused a seemingly interesting display of kitchen gadgets but came away empty-handed.
Stopping to say hello to our friends outside the pub, they persuaded us to join them. The two women sat opposite each other at the far end while an old fellow pub mate sat at the other end, leaving plenty of space for us. Before getting stuck into a one-time regular pastime of supping ale, I nipped across the square to finish errands before enjoying an hour in company. Although fun, it felt odd being with other people and the staff flitted between tables far too much for my liking. Comparing notes on the various lockdowns, we had a laugh at the geese and corvids taking over during the first one.
After 1 pint, we felt really cold and said our goodbyes. Phil still had one more purchase to make. I strolled homewards until he caught me up and persuaded me to take a bunch of free sage from a table in the lower street a very English herb.
Daily press conferences by Boris scrapped, Oliver Dowdy was wheeled out to defend the decision to use the room in Downing Street, specially refurbished at tax-payers’ expense, for ministerial press conferences instead. Indian cases and deaths still rising, hospitals were full, the number of variant cases in the UK doubled, and 200 people a day arrived to beat the Qs before Friday. Boris announced a Covid-19 taskforce to find effective anti-virals. More legislation muted to foil the European Super League such as changing competition laws, the big 6 English teams all pulled out, as did Inter Milan. Was the move in anticipation of changes to the Champions League which the big clubs didn’t think went far enough, or a ruse to get more money out of the FA? John Barnes appeared on BBC Breakfast to say it was. As Derek Chauvin was rightly convicted of the George Floyd murder, it emerged teenager Ma’Khia Bryant was shot by a cop minutes before the verdict. Would anything ever change? After a Tesla car missed a turning, crashed into a tree and burst into flames killing the 2 occupants, police said no one was driving. Evil Musk tweeted: “Data logs recovered so far show autopilot was not enabled” A likely story seeing as 27 crashes in the past month were being investigated in the USA.
English Mythology
Obscured Standing Stone
Frost gave way to sunshine on Thursday. Phil wanted to find more mythical archaeology and I agreed to go in search of a standing stone near the hilltop village. We caught a bus up to the boundary with the next hamlet, utilised a picturesque bench to eat a pasty lunch and consulted directions before looking for the mystical stone. On eventually finding it, we realised we’d past it several times on the way to the crags. How did we miss those huge holly bushes? Inaccessibly set into a wall and obscured by barbed wire, we peered over to realise a line of stones crossing a horse field led directly to it and mused on possible links to structures on the moor. Continuing down, a trio ascending considerately attached their dog’s lead. At the bottom, we turned onto the leafy road for an easy walk back. The trio with the dog re-appeared and asked for directions to town. Near home, we chatted to my old art teacher. He’d had a family holiday in Cornwall the previous week. Postponed from last year, they’d had a good time but found it impossible to eat out in the evenings. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesii).
On another quiet night, I struggled to sleep. My mind full of the day’s findings, I recalled a neighbour once told us the whole town was surrounded by a stone circle. Was it true? Was that why we kept finding mysterious stones? It would be awesome if so – like the mythical Wiltshire village of Avebury!
95% of over 50’s now vaccinated, Margaret Keenan looked forward to a jolly. Covid passports promised soon, she could go to desperado Spain and wear a mask on the beach. The Cabinet Office were probing the source of the leaky texts between Boris and Dyson. Labour wanted a Commons Liaison Committee enquiry. The Good Law Project court hearing on PPE scams unveiled a VIP route to the PM. Civil Servants had complained of drowning in a quagmire of contract requests that didn’t pass due diligence. Hapless drug dealer Ali Hilmi was hilariously convicted after trying to get into the Projekt Nightclub, Burnley with fake £20 notes that said Poond. Phil discovered they could be bought on Amazon but had sold out. The misspellings harked back to the daft spelling society campaign, but the English pronunciation was Pownd, wasn’t it? Maybe he was Scottish, like Les McKeown of the Bay City Rollers who died suddenly.
The English Saint
Gnarly Trees
Woken again by engineering work Friday morning, I battled heavy limbs and a headache for a trip to the co-op, luckily quiet and stressless. I took a break from writing in the afternoon to embark on a ‘deep clean’ of the bathroom, expunging mould from the back window and evicting a family of spiders from beneath the back cupboard. Through the open window, I heard a child calling “pappa!” Not even the English middle-class used that word. They must have been proper posh! I suspected they might be slumming it in a camper van recently parked up on the street below. That evening, we spotted the shed people returning from a game of golf – no-one knew why that was a popular pastime!
Local news wished us happy St. George’s Day. Rather pointlessly, seeing as no special events were allowed and he wasn’t even English. Some sage bods said vaccines did a lot of the ‘heavy lifting’ so we could forgo face-masks over summer but may need them come autumn. 1 dose of AZ or Pfizer gave 74% protection according to the latest study, while the EU planned to sue AZ over ‘contract failure’. The PAC inquiry into supply chain financing revealed that Camoron bombarded BOE gov John Cunliffe with letters. Treasury PS Tom Scholar said he arranged 9 meetings with Charles Roxburgh as it was ‘natural’ to talk to an ex-PM. ONS figures showed the public deficit was 14.5% in the last fiscal year, the highest since 1946. A computer chip shortage caused by people working at home halted car production. Post Masters were acquitted of theft convictions as crap Fujitsu Horizon computers were proven to be responsible for discrepancies. Having covered up the scandal for years, and not telling the accused they weren’t alone, former PO chief Paula Vennells belatedly apologised, resigning from her roles on the boards of Morrisons and Dunelm and as a church minister.
Getting clean clothes out Saturday morning, a drawer in the fitted cupboard collapsed. Annoyed at taking everything out to find the cardi I wanted wasn’t even there, I bad-temperedly hurled woollens on the bed and covered them with a dust sheet before Phil fixed the offending article with glue and screws. It seemed a good time to wash bedroom rugs and I hung them outside to take advantage of fine, breezy weather. Young student neighbour appeared, seemingly overdressed but denied being hot. She was returning to uni soon. Due to royal charter, Cambridge had special term-times over which the government had no authority. I popped to the co-op for a couple of items to find the shelves stripped of salads and dips. Maybe everyone was having barbecues to belatedly celebrate the not-English patron saint. Next-Door-But One’s fella waited for me to come back up the steps. Conversing for the first time ever, he turned out to be even more neurotic than me about the effectiveness of vaccines and said the whole household had shielded and not even entered a shop for over a year. I didn’t mention spotting them going places in the car. Young Student came by and declared “I’m off to the pub,” marking a dramatic change in attitude. Maybe she believed herd immunity was now sufficient to protect us oldies. I scrubbed the bathroom floor and installed the newly-tiled cube, then set about upcycling an old Ikea table. Found a couple of years ago, the garish pink thing spent a summer outside until it became warped in the rain. After some bodging, it occupied a corner of the living room, covered with a cloth. More fixing required, Phil got the glue and screws back out. I considered tiling the top for outdoor use but calculated I’d need loads and decided painting would be easier. By then, my back ached and I’d had enough so.
Fallout from the fast-failing Euro Super League continued. Pundits from across Europe on Football Focus said football wasn’t viewed the same on the continent. To them, it was just 90 minutes whereas the English saw the game as essential to life. Apparent that rich owners didn’t understand its cultural importance, player and fan involvement was seen as the only way forward. Former PM Gordy Brown called the episode a turning point, after which “people will not support greed.”
In spite of backache, Phil consented to a Sunday forage. Pretty sure the garlic patch our Walking Friend mentioned was the place we visited a year ago, we climbed up the ridge. I tried to trace likely lines of the fabled stone circle surrounding town. “But why would anyone bother?” asked Phil, “it was a muddy bog in ancient times.” “Good point.” In the dark wood, we found the crop larger than last April, but top leaves looked dusty. We each filled a bag and rested on a mossy rock beside a twisty path and walked between gnarly trees to arrive at a path last trodden in autumn. Now both flagging with back pain, we had to stop again on the way home. I began to give the leaves a thoroughly good rinse to find Phil’s haul full of grit and left it for him to tackle. Over coffee and cake, I came up with a haiga based on Thursday’s walkiii.
Whingeing on the Marr about Brexit, Sturgeon promised no border if Scotland became independent – well, we all knew how well that went in Ireland! The Indian crisis worsened: the number of infections broke the world record 4 days in a row, hospitals ran out of oxygen and Modi was blamed for slow vaccine roll-out even though they made loads. Stephen Reicher criticised a group of ‘siren scientists’ calling for lifting of measures while in Germany, restrictions would last ‘til June. Anti-lockdown demos in London were attended by mayoral candidate and all-round wanker Lawrence Fox. Clashes led to 2 cop injuries and 5 arrests. Hard to figure what they hoped to achieve with lockdown almost over, on Jeremy Vine the next morning, Beverly Swivel-insisted protestors acted responsibly unlike pub-goers in Soho – I rest my case!
The Scumbag reported to be the Chatty Rat who leaked the Bumbler/Dyson texts, he denied it. He also refuted claims he’d leaked full details of lockdown mark 2 before the official announcement, via a WhatsApp message from Downing Street and accused Boris of wanting to stop an ‘embarrassing’ inquiry into the real source. Boris phoned news bosses to sprag on his former spin doctor, a move destined to backfire. Allegations that The Bumbler used tory donors to pay for renovations to his flat were dismissed by Liz Truss as ‘tittle-tattle’. She was more concerned with trade deals than this petty stuff. Apparently Carrie Antionette insisted on a revamp after Theresa May left ‘a John Lewis nightmare’. Most people considering John Lewis upmarket, not to mention it smacked of yet another piece in the cronyism jigsaw, the comments showed how out of touch they really were. Barry Sheerman joked on twitter: “A good news story at last!”
The night quiet but bright with an almost-full moon, I revelled in a semi-stupor until I fell into a deep slumber only to wake 2 hours later with snippets of dreams flitting through my mind.
“There are hazards in everything one does, but there are greater hazards in doing nothing” (Shirley Williams)
Rishi Frit
Haiga – Psychedelic
Another tedious few days bedridden with severe fatigue coincided with the warmest and sunniest week of the year so far. Unable to contact friends or get out of the house, my mood plummeted. But I kept occupied writing until head fug took over, and managed small chores, with Phil’s help.
Kids back at school in all 4 UK nations, the second stage of the ‘waymark’ for England saw hairdressers, beer gardens (some since midnight), and non-essential shops (with extended hours up to 10 p.m.) re-opening as well as zoos, gyms and domestic self-catering. 2 designated visitors were allowed in care homes, and we could go to Wales but would find gyms and pubs shut. On the day that Shirley Williams, famous for splitting from labour as part of the gang of 4 died, an emergency toadying session in the commons fawned over the dead duke. The Bumbler forewent a pint to appear with a haircut. A record number of Covid cases and deaths marked a huge surge in India (177,150 fatalities – the second highest in the world). This didn’t deter people attending the Kumbh Mela festival on the Ganges or Boris from planning a trade mission. Nor did a new ‘variant of concern’. B1.617 bore 2 mutations on the spike protein possibly making vaccines less effective. 77 case were found in Britain. Duante Wright was the latest black person to be killed by US police, 10 miles from the trial of Chauvin in Minnesota. The trigger-happy cop, Kimberley Ann Potter, claimed it was ‘a mistake’; she’d meant to use her taser not her gun. How on earth could she get them mixed up?
As I settled down to sleep, it seemed very quiet for the first pub drinking day since December, when I heard a few people staggering back. Fortunately, they didn’t linger.
Unfortunately, canal engineering works started soon after 8 Tuesday. I tried to ignore the racket and though still very achy and tired, performed a few stretches then had to get back in bed and stayed there all day. Reading at night, I couldn’t keep my eyes open and fell asleep despite continuous droning outside only to wake a few minutes later, when it stopped.
The top 9 priority groups now all offered a jab, 94% of over 50’s and 92% of the clinically vulnerable had one. 45-49 year olds were invited next. The central booking website promptly crashed. Somewhat mitigating the predicted shortage, the Moderna vaccine was rolled out but approval for Janssen was delayed over blood clot concerns. While revellers swarmed in Soho and an 82 year old woman got fined for partying, Boris said immunisation did a great job although coming out of lockdown would inevitably mean more deaths. Universities were told they couldn’t re-start face-to-face teaching until the next waymark of 17th May; 6 weeks before the end of the academic year – what a waste of time! Sturgeon confirmed freedom to travel and some outdoor mixing for Scotland from Friday. As it emerged the former head of procurement Bill Crothers became a Greensill adviser while still a senior civil servant, Rishi Rich sent junior minister Paul Scully to face the commons to predictably say it was all above board. Rishi was accused of being ‘frit’.
Fits and Starts
Shirley Carter, off Eastenders
Slightly improved Wednesday, I managed 10 minutes exercise and a few small chores. Energy sapped, I got back in bed to write and watch telly. The Bumbler’s’ hair already a mess 2 days since the barbers, PMQs was dominated by the Camoron scandal. After former premier Gordon Brown said ex-PMs shouldn’t lobby for commercial organisations (at least for 5 years), labour called for a full review instead of the wishy-washy inquiry Boris had promised. Led by Nigel Boardman, the same lawyer who advised on loosening lobbying laws, Keir complained it wouldn’t even look at the rules and was indicative of cronyism: “(there is) a revolving door, indeed an open door, between the conservative government and paid lobbying…The Greensill scandal is just the tip of the iceberg…Dodgy contracts, privileged access, jobs for their mates, this is the return of tory sleaze…The more I listen…the more I think Ted Hastings and AC-12 is needed to get to the bottom of this one.” The Bumbler deflected with: “we’re getting on with rooting out bent coppers,” and went on about labour killing the police bill. The Speaker said he should at least answer the question on opposing the labour motion to widen the probe. He refused, but a plethora of enquiries were later announced.
It subsequently emerged Camoron had discussions with the head of NHSX for a Greensill contract to provide a dodgy app allowing access to patients’ personal details. And mainstream news eventually picked up on another cronyism story revealed by Guido Fawkes. Topwood Limited, in which The Cock owned 15% of shares and his sister Emily Gilruth and mum Shirley Carter (off Eastenders) happened to run, was on the framework for NHS contracts. They were contracted by NHS Wales to shred documents.
Referring to Boris asking the Supreme Court to see if Holyrood went beyond its powers by incorporating the UN convention on the Rights of the Child and the European Charter of local self-government into Scottish law, Ian Blackford had a fit over plans to take them to court over children’s rights.
So-called ‘quiet time’ severely hampered by noisy canal works and pissed off being stuck indoors during gorgeous weather, I cheered up with a laugh over people’s excitement at going out drinking and barbecuing. I suggested Phil go and “sizzle a sausage. Or better yet, nick one someone else has sizzled. You could be the barbecue bandit!”
The Kent Virus was found to spread more but not be more severe or lead to more long Covid. Prof Harnden of JCVI warned: “…we all want to enjoy ourselves again, but we must be cautious and do this slowly. Otherwise we’ll get back to square one.” The Oxford Vaccine Group started trials using different vaccines for first and second doses. Open to anyone over 50 who’d had a first jab and willing to travel to a regional site, Phil looked set to go until it transpired he’d have to go to Hull.
Too wobbly for exercise Thursday morning, I made a big effort to bathe and expunge dust from the bedroom before working on my novel for the first time in months. I did quite well until I had to stop with head fug. Depression deepening at missing the sunshine, I consoled myself that at least I wasn’t mingling with face-lickers in beer gardens!
As SA surge testing started in the London areas of Lambeth, Wandsworth, Southwark and Finchley, Gethin Jones isolated at home and appeared via zoom on Morning Live from a very nice kitchen. With 4000,000 Covid victims hospitalised last year, the NHS waiting list stood at 4.7m but 2m had been treated during the ‘winter wave’. DHSC consulted on mandatory vaccines for elderly care home staff, while the EHRC said Covid Passes had the “potential for discrimination, or for infringement of civil liberties…and the creation of a 2 tier society whereby only certain groups are able to fully enjoy their rights.”
Sweden had the second highest infection rate in Europe but lower death rates (1.7 compared to the Euro average of 4.3 per day). Citing the vaccine barrier, I reflected hardly any Europeans had had one. Carolyn Harris brought forward a bill to force an MP vote on the NHS 1% wage rise and Lord Frost went to Brussels to talk about NI border checks – I wished them both lots of luck!
The QT panel were asked ‘should lobbying be illegal?’ Labour MP Rosie Duffield said it had its uses, Bernard Jenkins didn’t defend fellow tories, saying later in the week the scandal risked dismantling the ‘blue wall’. An erstwhile civil servant in the audience reminded us of The Nolan Committee’s Standards in Public Life. In her day, she was scared to have a cuppa and a biscuit when visiting companies. Now, businessmen who didn’t understand the culture were parachuted in. In any other profession, they’d be sacked. Self-styled right-wing comedian Geoff Norcott admitted he ‘held his nose’ when voting conservative. So why did you, I asked on twitter, to no reply. It was time he split from his misguided working class tory mates!
Awful droning (which I decided was a generator) presaged another terrible night. Trying various distraction techniques, I eventually dropped into a fitful sleep with an earplug in one ear and the meditation soundtrack in the other.
Hissy Fits
Pathetic Barriers
Feeling dreadful after hardly any kip, I forced myself to rouse Friday morning and removed the earplug when the horrendous noise started up again! My head set to split, I burst into tears: “I can’t stand it anymore! I’m hardly getting any sleep with that that din. It’s ruining my life!” At a loss what to do, Phil suggested a cuppa would help. “Yes, it might!” I retorted more sharply than necessary and hid under the covers. More fatigued and depressed than ever, I made a big effort to get washed and half-dressed before picking up the laptop. Despite the racket, we opened the bedroom window to let the fresh spring air in.
7 reviews into the Camoron affair imminent, I googled news sites, becoming confused at their similar remits.*
Venturing downstairs for lunch, Phil gave me a big hug and advised I sit out in the sun. “I can’t face having to interact with anybody. If we had a private garden, I would.” I stayed in the living room awhile then went back up, cleaned the bathroom and collapsed on the bed with exhaustion while he went to the co-op. Having ceased earlier in the afternoon, the loud works recommenced as my head hit the pillow. During evening telly, we guffawed at an ad where a woman appeared to jump on piles of landfill. “If we set up a website called landfill.com, would people still buy plastic crap they didn’t need?” “Yes! “Let’s do it”
With 1.6m cases per week, the WHO said there’d been 1m Covid deaths in Europe, but were cut by 30% among the over 80’s because of vaccines. The R rate down to 0.7-1, the ONS estimated the virus affected 1:480 people in England; the lowest since September. It decreased even more in the other 3 UK nations.
I fell asleep quickly that night only to wake a couple of hours later, assailed by various disturbances. To top it all, the engineering works kicked off at 8 o’clock Saturday morning I tossed and turned with both ears plugged but it was useless. Two nights of hardly any sleep did nothing to improve my fatigue or mood. Sunny and warm again, by the time we’d bathed and breakfasted half the day was gone. Phil declared he was going out. Knowing I’d be even more depressed indoors on my own, I strove to make myself presentable and headed out with him. A flimsy barrier topped with flowers outside the flats – presumably a sop by the developers to the unrelenting hissy fits of the local action group – looked pathetic.
Grave Stones
We took the picturesque route to the small clough to find makeshift firepits in new clearings, delicate flowers and fungi in various states of decay, providing inspiration for my weekly haiga.i A woman sat on a bench reading. Chatting as we past, I suddenly realised we were disturbing the peace and shut up for a while. Tiny fish shone in the low waters. Birds flitted in treetops and dipped in the waterfall. A small heap of stones seemingly marked the grave of a small animal (a beloved pet or a wood dweller?) A small patch of wild garlic exuded pungency. “I’ll just pick a bit for tonight’s curry.” “You sound like a right Guardianista!” Phil giggled.
The change of scenery prompted us to reflect on the state of things. Less anxious a month after our first jabs, I wanted assurance on the reduced risk of severe Covid. Phil explained the maths. I couldn’t follow it all but got the gist. Nevertheless, as we walked home, the sight of swarms on the opposite side of the old bridge made me glad we’d avoided the town centre. Seating sprawled from a new cocktail bar along the pedestrianised street to accommodate drinking hordes. Far too busy for my liking!
Expecting respite that night, the generator kicked in at 2.30 a.m. With the help of earplugs and because I was dead tired, I slept regardless. Sunday morning, buzzing of a different kind emanated from behind the bedroom curtains. Unable to see what it was, I kept them drawn. Phil investigated to find a bee. Of course, it obediently went outside straight away due to his ‘bee whispering’ skills! Useless George appeared on the Marr to defend Camoron. Politics North provided details on the powers of the West Yorks metro mayor whom we’d be voting for in May. “It could be quite good as long as they’re not from Leeds and forget about the rest of the county. There’ll be stiff e-mails about local buses!” I predicted.
Unsure what to do on a bright but hazy day, I opted for DIY. The paint I applied a year ago to a bathroom storage cube was already flaking off and I decided to top it with tiles. It took an hour to rummage in the coal hole for the materials and equipment, strip the flaky paint and resurrect solidified tile adhesive, before the fun bit of sticking the tiles on which took 5 minutes. Phil went to town for baccy and returned with yet another camera from the charity shop. Back in time to help mix the adhesive, I shooed him away from usurping my project to play music. Cleaning up afterwards took almost as long as the prep. Feeling grimy I went up early for a bath. Phil came up after watching footie with news of a Euro super league, set to become a big story over the next few days.
Crowded pubs over the weekend incredulously led to debate on whether youngsters should be offered jabs in preference to older folk. Reportedly only 23% of hospitality was open, as eateries struggled with outside seating, even though councils allowed tables to straddle pavements and even streets. Witnessed in our small town, Leeds and Soho took it to ludicrous levels, judging by media images. As Oxford university were starting a second ‘human challenge’ trial on young people, I suggested they could just send them to the pub! The Events Research Programme (ERP) trialled spectators at the boring snooker and FA cup semi-finals. In France, only 1.25% of cops and teachers took up the offer of an AZ vaccine. A centre planned to be open all weekend, shut 1 p.m. Saturday due to lack of takers. Macron was blamed for his irresponsible comments and urged to launch a publicity campaign to boost take-up.
Settling down that night, the droning recommenced. Even the earplugs and meditation soundtrack combo failed to block it out allowing only a few fractious hours’ sleep.
*The 7 reviews and inquiries sparked by the Camoron lobbying scandal, as far as I could tell:
Boardman inquiry- so-called independent inquiry into the role of Lex Greensill as an adviser, use of supply chain finance and lobbying efforts of Greensill. May also investigate how Bill Crothers could work for Greensill while still a civil servant
Treasury Select Committee – ‘on the regulatory lessons from the failure of Greensill Capital and the appropriateness of HM Treasury’s response to lobbying …’
-Public Admin and Constitutional Affairs Committee (PACAQ) – into ‘the topical matters around Greensill’. A focus on lobbying regulations and civil service rules. Dubbed ‘The AC-12 of Whitehall’
Public Accounts Committee – into supply chain financing and how Covid loans were offered to companies
Committee on Standards in Public Life – into the ‘the institutions, procedures and policies in place to uphold high standards of conduct’. Likely to propose policy changes
Cabinet Office review of the Lobbying Act
Simon Case double jobs review – all senior civil servants to declare outside jobs/roles that may conflict with their work.
The Corvus Diaries 