Corvus Bulletin 11:Mind Your Pi’s and Rho’s (Covid Inquiry June-Dec 2023)

“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)

The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22^nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.

Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.

On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.

Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.

At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2^nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18^th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!

Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.

The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.

As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.

The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.

All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.

Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”

Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.

Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.

Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.

Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.

On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.

Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.

In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.

Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11^th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!

Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.

The NHS’ 75^th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.

*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:

Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)

Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).

**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘

Corvus Bulletin 8: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)

In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.

‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.

Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12^th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.

Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.

Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.

Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.

In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.

Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.

Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.

June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.

Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.

A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’ⁱ). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”

Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.

A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 104 – Unbelievable!

“As I have said for years…it’s far more expensive to be poor. Now the experts in data gathering are backing that up” (Jack Munroe)

Disingenuity

We spent May Day hairdressing. It was good to have my dull rainbow hair coloured in, but I strained my shoulder showering dye off. Panicked by alarming grill noises later, I jarred the same shoulder which also sported an itchy insect bite.

Bank Holiday Monday dull and damp, at least it wasn’t pouring like a year ago. I forced myself to exercise the shoulder, did boring chores and went to the co-op, seeing New Gran on her way to the community pub. “For a change from the usual?” I joked. “Well, it is a bank holiday; not that I need an excuse!” she laughed. She was dithering over buying a painting for her older daughter who recently turned 30 and gave birth. Two men sat twiddling their fingers in the art shop, wouldn’t let her in. They obviously didn’t need her custom!

Scotland closed covid testing sites; those with fever were instructed to stay home. The weekend awash with Ploughboy memes referencing Neil Parish, and accounts of a ‘sexist of the year’ award at No. 10’s Christmas party, Lindsay Hoyle wanted radical action to change parliament’s ‘cosy culture of debauchery’. Jeremy Vine discussed ‘sexism training’ for MPs. “They don’t need any!” chortled Phil. After an 11 day pause in dinghy crossings, 254 migrants arrived, making a total of 7,240 for the year so far, treble that for the same period 2021. 100 civilians were evacuated from Mariupol before a major onslaught and Serge told Italian telly Hitler had Jewish blood and the ‘biggest antisemites are Jews’. Israeli counterpart Yair Lapril hit back: “only Nazis are Nazis” and demanded the Russian ambassador apologise.

Completing a postal ballot for the local election I couldn’t remember whether to detach the declaration. The step-by-step guide made it sound more complicated than it was. Though tired, I went to post it Tuesday afternoon and bought cough drops. My head heavy after Sweet Shop Man whinged about prices, I trudged home. Despite fatigue, I got little sleep.

On BBC Breakfast, Keir took responsibility for a colleague originally saying Rayner wasn’t at Beergate but accused tories of mud-slinging ahead of elections – it didn’t compare to Downing Street’s industrial scale shenanigans. As a curry house back-tracked on claims 30 dishes were delivered to the Durham office, Richard Holden urged local police to re-investigate. Meanwhile on GMB, Boris promised more help with the cost of living but referenced the previously announced phased-in support. Challenged on 77 year old Elsie riding buses to avert fuel costs, he lauded the 24-hour freedom pass as his idea. Jon Ashworth spluttered: “It is utterly shameful that pensioners have no choice but to sit on the bus all day to avoid racking up heating bills at home…to respond by boasting about the London bus pass reveals just how out of touch this narcissistic prime minister is.” BP’s first quarter profits £5 billion, they expected to pay £1 bn extra tax and invest £18 bn in North Sea oil and gas and renewables by 2030. 2 days later, Shell announced profits of £7.2 bn, almost triple for 2021, and pledged to invest £20-25 bn in the UK over the next decade. Greenpeace joined calls for a windfall tax, to “ease pressure on households feeling the pinch and reduce our dependence on oil and gas.” Shit-show P&O restarted passenger ferries. On video link to the Ukraine parliament, Boris rebounded Vlod’s ‘finest hour’ words and promised a £300 m aid package. Vlod warned the Black Sea blockade threatened a world grain crisis. UEFA banned Russian teams for the next season. In court, families began a class action law suit for ‘inordinate and unreasonable delays’ processing visas for the Homes for Ukraine scheme, ex-pub landlord Tarek Namouz allegedly sent covid loans to Isis, anti-lockdowner Lance O’Connor got fined £50 for holding up a makeshift gallows outside parliament and Notts police chief Caroline Henry was clocked speeding 5 times in 12 weeks.

No PMQs Wednesday because of the elections, I enjoyed the peace, ordered vitamin D and texted Walking Friend who was about to go on a jolly in the lakes. Continuing the spring clean, I heaved the study sideboard out to vacuum dust clumps and added coins to bank bags I’d stashed months ago.

Blaming fuel rises not the war affecting fertiliser and feed costs, Useless George suggested as aggressive supermarket competition kept prices low on ‘things like chicken and poultry’ (sic), we buy cheaper own-brand foods. Lambasting the patronising and ‘woefully out of touch government’, Pat McFadden said they had ‘no solution to the cost of living crisis’ and Wendy Chamberlain said they were ‘living in a parallel universe’. Money Saving Expert had already advised downshifting a brand to cut shopping bills by 30%. Way ahead of you, Martin! The UK implemented 63 new sanctions, vetoed service provision but not lawyering, and the EU would implement a ban on Russian oil ‘in an orderly fashion’ Natürlich!

Oversleeping Thursday, I rushed to do washing before an Ocado delivery. Arriving a tad late, the grumpy driver unbelievably queried why he’d bothered coming at all! Waiting to peg sheets on the line, the window cleaner’s van blocked access and his hose snaked up to the houses opposite. As I hauled the groceries down, a stupid bottle carrier broke and beer smashed on the floor. Mopping up a lake, I slid and got broken glass in my hand. Meanwhile, the window cleaner did our front then disappeared again! I waited a vexing full hour to get the van shifted. Before Phil went voting, I recited useful do’s and don’ts according to the BBC such as: take your kids but don’t let them write on the ballot paper, vote if you’d been drinking but not be disruptive, and not take selfies. Nobody in the polling station, he chatted to Counsellor Friend in town, trying not to swear when yummy mummies approached. She won by a stonking majority. Tories lost hundreds of seats countrywide to liberal and labour gains including 2 London councils and the new South Yorks and Cumberland authorities. Keir declared it a major turning point but the BBC unbelievably tried to spin their wins as losses. Boris vowed the government was “absolutely determined to keep going with every ounce of compassion and ingenuity that we have” That’s about an ounce then, you disingenuous twat!

I lodged a refund request and complaint with Ocado, and thought we might as well get the rest of the shopping done to leave Friday free. Too tired to do anything on returning from the co-op, I whined at a crap day. I did find a spark of energy early evening to sow sowed wildflower seeds. Phil popped out to enjoy birds’ evensong and spot wild garlic on a neighbour’s steps.

The polls shut, Fiona Bruce bizarrely pointed out the QT audience mainly voted tory. Nowt new there then! Dismissing a windfall tax, disgraced-by-porn ex-minister Damian Green insisted oil companies already paid more corporation tax. The Black (Brexit) Farmer got booed saying Boris delivered. Louise Haigh maintained there was a vast difference between Partygate and Beergate and police were clear labour broke no laws. Unfortunately for her, the investigation re-opened the next day in light of new evidence. Mr. Green said nowadays, MPs were more honest about transgressions and blamed wider society – aka twitter. Screenwriter Jack Thorne said ministers were definitely in a bubble with no experience of real life, and should face manslaughter charges for excess care home deaths when covid tests were restricted early in the pandemic. The Brexit Farmer stuck to the line of lack of information leading to bad decisions. Ms. Haigh reminded us Jon Ashworth warned of the dangers of discharging patients early 2020 but they didn’t care. During droney election results, I retired to lie in a stupor, have a long dream and wake in the early hours.

The WHO attributed epidemic levels of obesity in Europe partly to covid lockdowns. An estimated 15 million covid deaths globally, triple those officially recorded, in India it was 10 times more and above average in the UK. As it was announced London’s Elizabeth Line would open 4 years late on 24^th May in time for the queens’ platinum jubilee, Shats threatened to refer Khan to the electoral commission. Calling him a sourpuss, Khan retorted it was up to TfL, not the mayor. 650 Yorkshire Arriva bus drivers offered a below inflation pay rise of 4.1%, voted to strike indefinitely from 6^th June. Warning of contracted growth in the last quarter of 2022 and a recession in 2023, the BoE interest rate rose to 1%. The pound promptly fell against the dollar and euro. A semi-conductor shortage led to less car production. Were they from Ukraine too?

The weather too crap to go out Friday, I hoovered the landing, prompting a cactus on the windowsill to fall apart. Phil tackled a bathroom sink blockage. So much for a fun day!

Based on random testing, ONS reported UK covid infections down 32% in the past week. Bill Gates outlined future plans for a global pandemic response on The One Show, which could stop the spread within 100 days, according to his book. Convenience chain McColl’s set to collapse threatening 1,100 shops and 16,000 jobs, a Morrison’s takeover was confirmed Monday.

Unbelievably sleeping 7 hours straight, a muffled knock seeped into my dreams Saturday. As Phil got up, I vaguely grasped it’d be the vitamins. Glancing at the clock, I was shocked at the hour and still tired despite extra kip. I stayed home, writing and gardening. Sunday, we went in search of bluebells. The nearby wood didn’t disappoint with an extensive spread. We also got a first glimpse of kids but no lambs. We returned via the towpath where a goose couple herded their fluffy brood, ducked in the convenience store and hurried through the packed square. (For more details, see Cool Placesⁱ)

Sinn Fein won a historic victory in Northern Ireland with the neutral Alliance Party third. The DUP blocked reforming Stormont and Rabid Rabb threatened to rip up the Brexit protocol. As it emerged the Beergate curry was planned and Keir was accused of ‘quaffing’ San Miguel, Nandy called him ‘Mr. Rules’, said he’d self-isolated 6 times and probably knew the law better than the cops. The next day Keir and Rayner said they’d do the decent thing if fined. Tod Bowley of LA Dodgers, bought Chelsea FC. In a classic Leeds United move, a sliding tackle got Luke Ayling sent off.

Supercilious

Phil was contacted by a well-known retailer with a view to selling prints in their flagship store. The gig paid 5%. Stingy, but better than 0% or 10 cents from Shitterstock. He spent Monday selecting brutalist photos for a proposal. I posted a haigaⁱⁱ, an album of bluebells (slightly more popular than the dandelions), worked on the journal and went to the co-op. On the way back, New Gran walked down the street with her mum behind, and daughter and grandchild in front. Four generations in neat chronological order!

The cost of living biting hard, 1:7 households skipped meals. Staff issues, a lack of Border Farce guards and a travel spike, led to queues outside Birmingham airport, EasyJet removing seats from planes and Shats allowing new recruits to start training before passing security checks. Swiss Toni met Northern Irish party leaders in Belfast. The DUP repeated a refusal to appoint a deputy first minister until the protocol issue was resolved; Micheal Teashop said it could be. Over the weekend, 60 civilians were killed sheltering in the village school in Bilohorivka. On Russian Victory Day, Putin said NATO posed ‘unacceptable threats’ but didn’t declare ‘all-out war’ as promised. Saying he told fairy tales, Ben Wally compared the despot to a Nazi and pledged another £1.3 million to Ukraine. Protestors waved Ukrainian flags and shouted ‘murderer!’ at Russian ambassador to Poland, Sergey Andreev. Ukrainian refugee Iryna Zenlyana had to flee after chucking borscht at him. Vlod awarded Jack Russel Patron a military service medal for unearthing 200 explosives.

Tuesday, I posted the journal’s April entry, got rid of the dead cactus, reused the pot and chanced sprouting celery in the greenhouse, protected from slugs by the last of a roll of copper tape.

His mum suffering ‘episodic’ mobility issues, Bonny Prince Charlie read the 8 mins 45 secs queens speech. Even he looked bemused in ridiculous Admiral of The Fleet regalia. Starting with plans for high-wage, high-skill jobs, it went onto list a load of stuff we already knew and a pile of guff on Brexit. Predictably no immediate help, Keir called it: “The latest chapter in a pathetic response to the cost of living crisis.” The IPPR said it was ‘cosmetic surgery for an economy facing a heart attack’ and Child Poverty Action lamented ‘a far cry from what struggling families needed to hear’. The CBI welcomed ambitions for a growing economy. Well, the capitalist would, wouldn’t they? The 2-year programme belied speculation of an early general election. Phil reckoned it was because Boris knew tories were too spineless to get rid of him. I thought he was the spineless one, having taken out everything that upset back-benchers.

Aberdeen University and King’s College found diabetes trebled the risk of severe covid and doubled that of death but could decline if well-managed. in an effort to disrupt supply lines, Odesa was pounded. Russia’s modern precision weapons depleted, old Soviet stock was more likely to miss intended targets.

Waking with tummy ache Wednesday, I struggled on. Crap morning weather, depression and fatigue mitigated against a planned trip to big town. I moped. Despite Phil’s efforts to cheer me up and the sun coming out, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. In the end, I finished spring cleaning the study, left him to hang pictures on dust-free walls, steamed winter coats and asked for help putting them away. Normally doable by standing on the bed, he fetched the ladders. When I said even I could do it with ladders, a tiff ensued, worsening my exhaustion.

On BBC Breakfast, a supercilious Glove-Puppet dismissed the idea of an emergency budget and affected silly voices: “It’s an example of some commentators trying to take a statement that is commonsensical, turning it into – capital letters – a big news story, when The Treasury quite rightly say ‘calm down’ ” (in a Scouse accent). Rayner tweeted: “Is the cost of living crisis just a joke to them? This is not a serious government. We need an emergency budget right now.” Nandy said Gove was “making jokes and using silly voices while families across the country are struggling to survive. This isn’t a game…Take it seriously. Do your job”. He also told GMB calls for Boris to resign over Partygate were ‘bonkeroony’. “Snifferoony more like!” snorted Phil. Memes of The Puppet sniffing coke ensued.

The poorest hit harder now than at the height of covid as rising prices and government policy pushed 1.5 m into poverty, NIESR* suggested a £25 a week increase in Universal Credit to stop ¼ million households ‘sliding into extreme poverty’. Labour MP Alex Cunningham said there should be no need for food banks. Ashfield MP Lee Anderson, ex-miner and labour councillor turned tory twat, incredulously replied there wasn’t; if people budgeted and cooked properly, they could make a meal from scratch for 30p. Tracy Bin proposed a £2 cap on Yorkshire bus fares. Ukraine cut off a gas pipeline to Europe. Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Akleh was shot dead in the West Bank. Palestinians blamed, her colleague who survived the attack knew it was Israeli soldiers. Police waded into her funeral Friday, hit mourners with batons and almost toppled the coffin. Dan James was sent off during Leeds United’s 3-0 defeat to Chelsea. More red cards than any other team, at least they’d win something this season!

On the market Thursday, a couple told Jolly Veg Man about the Eden Project coming to Morecambe. Comparing it to Southport and Blackpool. As Jolly Veg called the latter kitsch, I extolled its virtues. An old mate chipped in he used to go for Northern Soul weekends and recently visited while protesting against fracking on Preston New Road. He worried that not only would the public order bill ban direct action (XR vowed millions would take to the streets against it), the security bill allowed authorities to break the law. He agreed even tories were realising Boris was awful, excepting gammons saying ‘at least he got Brexit done’. “I’m still waiting for Rees-Moggy to tell us what the benefits are!” Phil joined me in the square and we headed into the Mill Café. Not tempted by the menu, we made a quick exit, laughing at a lamp made from a cheap old camera in the shop window – a snip at £75! In the tearoom garden, we debated the NI protocol. Phil thought Irish Joe would stop them scrapping it. The next day, Lord Frosty said Joe should keep out of it. Would Airforce One be landing soon? Phil spent ages browsing the camera cabinet in the big charity shop and got nowt. I bought DVDs, an old postcard and a dress. Looking posh, it was, incredibly, Matalan! In the children’s hospice shop, we found Photographer Friend. With a recent penchant for the colour, she tried on a pair of orange sandals. I observed they were too big. Phil disagreed. Luckily, she took my advice.

A caller told Jeremy Vine that at his food bank, a woman called tory policy ‘capitalism for the poor and socialism for the rich’ i.e., the poor had to pay their own way while the rich got tax breaks. Touché! GDP shrank by 0.1% in March, largely due to less retail spending. Rishi blamed Putin and ‘other global challenges’ (which he couldn’t make ‘disappear’) rather than Brexit or government inaction. National Grid did a deal with Ofgem to pay us £200 million excess profits; which worked out at £9 per household over 2 years. Wow! At an away day in Stoke, Boris instructed cabinet to find ways of cutting civil servants by 1/5. The biggest departments being the crucial ones like health, DWP, MOD, and as the PCS pointed out, DVLA and Passport Office clearing a backlog, furious unions warned of strikes. Mark Serwotka, said: “This is not about efficiency. This is about the prime minister trying to create a smokescreen to detract from his utter shambles of a government.” Dave Penman, FDA added: “without an accompanying strategy these cuts appear…like culture wars or even worse, ill-thought out, rushed job slashes.” Prospect’s Mike Clancy called it: “an outrageous act of vandalism on our public services…Throughout Brexit and the pandemic, we have never been more reliant…on our civil service.” After BP said it wouldn’t affect investment, Rishi apparently told Treasury staff to investigate a windfall tax. Boris conceded: “we’ll have to look at it.” Another 50 Partygate fines brought the total to over 100, many relating to the December 2020 Christmas party. As the EU prepared to lift requirements for flight passengers to wear masks next Monday, Lufthansa stopped Orthodox Jews boarding at Frankfurt for refusing to wear them. They later apologised. After Boris co-signed military agreements with both countries, spooked by the Ukrainian invasion, traditionally neutral Sweden and Finland (with an 800-mile land border with Russia) applied to join NATO. Boffins grew cress in soil from the moon and an EHT** collaboration took the first photos of a 40 million miles-wide supermassive black hole.

Friday 13^th, I’d forgot I’d left the laptop updating overnight and waited impatiently for it to restart. Combined with Phil’s ramblings interrupting my thoughts, it was some time before I could write.

Dodging dust from Shed Man sawing chipboard for oversized planters, I headed to the co-op for the usual gaps on shelves and reduced steak. I spotted Phil at the kiosk and sent him back for mushrooms while I loaded the conveyor.

Coming back, he pointed to a pigeon nesting in an ‘air brick’ at the back of house, explaining quizzical looks through the kitchen window – we had a squatter!

North Korea admitted they had coronavirus due to Omicron. Carlsberg boss Martin Entwistle lost an unfair dismissal case for holding a piss-up in a brewery during restrictions. Suffering heavy losses in Donbas, Russia threatened to cut off Finland’s gas while Ukraine started the first war crimes trial. A Russian tank commander pleaded guilty. Maybe a life sentence was preferable to returning to Russia.

Shed Man’s hammering woke me early Saturday. I tossed and turned ‘til 9, then he stopped! Milk in the jug lumpy, I replenished but that also turned to cheese. Still in date, was the warm weather, crap co-op stock-keeping or Brexit to blame? A beautiful day, I ignored tiredness to visit a higher wood, our efforts rewarded by our first lambs, more bluebells and poppies. Gorgeous but somewhat strenuous, back home I experienced wooziness and deafening tinnitus. Both overheated, tepid showers helped (for more details, see Cool Places ⁱ)

Sam Ryder’s stellar Eurovision performance put the UK top of the judges’ leader board. Inevitably overtaken by Ukraine thanks to the public, what was the point of the interminable voting? Germany came last and France sang in Breton – almost English! Kalush Orchestra later auctioned their trophy for £713,000 and raffled the frontman’s pink hat for £293,000 towards the war effort. Gone midnight, we watched a short film and I attempted to photograph the almost-full super blood moon just as clouds covered it.

Ed Millipede called a windfall tax ‘an unanswerable case’ and urged Rishi ‘get on with it’. On Sunday Morning, Wannabee PM Jeremy C**t said it wasn’t the time for a leadership change and Kwasi Modo unbelievably said they didn’t expect the EU to fully implement the Northern Ireland protocol. Politics North footage showed outraged gammons meeting in Linton-on-Ouse village hall after letters to government went unanswered. the RAF base was called Alcatraz and Guantanamo-on-Ouse. Gammon-on-Ouse more like! Refugees slated to arrive within weeks, there was no sign of them by the end of the month. Ministers said arrangements weren’t finalised. A statute of Thatcher in Grantham was egged during installation.

Ludicrous

Even with an anorak, taking rubbish out on a wet Monday made me soggy and moody. I checked when Walking Friend would arrive. Right then, as it turned out. Heading to town, we came across The Poet who checked details for wild swimming and a bonfire with their Bradford Friend Wednesday. Having lunch in the Mill Café, I initially thought grittiness was in lettuce but it was actually the day’s special of spinach frittata. The waitress took it away to be replaced by a regular toasty. Finishing tea on the terrace, my friend unbelievably received a call asking her to work. She declined at such short notice. In the small hospice shop, a guidebook to the lakes omitted her holiday spot. Perhaps that’s why she found it so idyllic. As the sun emerged, she asked if I fancied a hike. “No way! I’m already flagging and still need to go to the co-op.” Bargain shopping en route, I got dinner plates and a scarf, which I tried wrapping round the plates to stop them banging my legs. Now too hot for the anorak, I stuffed it in the carrier. A small girl on the wavy steps wore a tiara and another a pinny and cap. We speculated as to whether it was fancy dress or normal everyday attire. As we parted ways, I staggered to the co-op. The ATM empty, I resentfully paid for 2 items by card and struggled home, cursing the heavy crockery – at £2.50 for 4 and an exact match for our cracked ones, I couldn’t pass them up. I collapsed on the sofa where Phil predictably tutted at the food grit story – he’d have eaten it without complaint. A siesta fruitless, I sighed with fatigue. As he eyed me askance, I reminded him rather harshly, he’d promised to dispose of dead flowers. He snapped back he would do it. Upset, I stomped to the bedroom and heard him going to the bins before coming to see if I needed anything. Calmer by then, I replied I’d just needed some time to myself.

Towing the party line on focusing on long-term economic growth, safeguarding minister Helen Maclean incredibly said the answer for some was to work more hours or get another job. A caller told Jeremy Vine many food bank users already had 2 jobs and still couldn’t afford to eat. Ian Murray called the advice ludicrous and out of touch and Frances O’Grady called it ‘a bit rich’. What do you expect from rich tory snobs? McDonalds were to sell all 850 Russian restaurants.

Feeling terrible Tuesday, I stayed in bed. Phil seemed surprised that my exhaustion hadn’t dissipated overnight. “You still don’t get it!” I railed. “Yes I do.” After bathing, I fetched the laptop to write while he got supplies. During afternoon coffee, I hurled mouldy grapes out the bathroom window. They landed neatly in the community garden. I doubted they’d grow into vines.

3.7% unemployment, there were more vacancies than jobless for the first time in almost 50 years, but wages stayed low. Disparities in Yorkshire, especially between Bradford and Leeds, were stark. Calling it a postcode lottery, National Energy Action complained those who didn’t pay by direct debit faced longer waits for council tax rebates and as vulnerable families turned off their gas and leccy, Feeding Britain called on Ofgem to intervene. The Police Fed gave Nasty Patel a hard time. Fair enough, but why did you need food banks on £40,000 a year? Trussed-up Liz informed MPs of plans for a trusted trader scheme and green and red lanes in Northern Ireland. Likely illegal, Maros Sefcovic warned the EU would respond with ‘all measures at its disposal’ if Britain acted unilaterally. They wanted negotiations based on their October 2021 proposals which Truss had rejected. Stephen Doughty alleged they either didn’t understand their own agreement, they weren’t upfront about its reality or they intended to break it all along. A court heard Trafalgar Square rallies August-December 2020 broke covid laws. ‘Holding’ not the same as ‘organising’ a gathering, would tinfoiler Piers Corbyn get off on a technicality? Ukraine declared the Mariupol mission complete, 260 steel plant fighters were evacuated to separatist-controlled territory, and 1,000 surrendered by Wednesday.

Woken by tweeting birds in the early dawn, confused by the days and unable to even stretch, I stayed abed Wednesday and watched PMQs. After an arrest for sexual offences and abuse of public office, an unnamed tory was on bail and told not to attend. Cartoon Fabricant tweeted he’d be there to prove it wasn’t him. The opposition focused on fuel. When a backbencher claimed 9,000 died last year due to cold homes, Boris prated about a £9.1 bn package and offered hollow sympathy. Keir dwelt on windfall tax, quoting company bosses in favour of it, to be given unemployment figures, claims hikes were short-term and spurious arguments on the principles of business tax. Asked when he was going to cut bills, Boris promised to look at measures to get people through to the other side and hinted at tax cuts in July; only possible as they took tough decisions during the pandemic. Keir spluttered: “He doesn’t get it!” While the PM dithered and pretended the economy was booming, gas bills went up £53 m a day, profits soared; we’d heard it all before and couldn’t afford to wait. Ian Blackford wondered how Rishi could say acting now was silly while his colleagues advised we learn to cook and get better jobs. Ed Davey said farmers could help feed us, but costs of the 3 F’s (fuel, feed, fertiliser) through the roof, they’d slashed support before embedding a new scheme. Action for Children asserted families needed help now, not warm words hinting at future action.

Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.

April Inflation hit 9% – a 40-year high. Closer to 11% for the poor whose income mostly went on food and fuel, at least they could eat spuds which dropped in price. First-time shoplifters stealing to eat, Kit Shithouse ludicrously said cops should always prosecute, even the starving. Martin Lewis retaliated with threats of ‘civil unrest’. We lived in hope! Rishi Rich told the CBI there’d be business tax cuts in autumn. Oil giant CEs labelled the ‘new oligarchs’, he was said to be ‘warming’ to a windfall tax, with the public wildly in favour. The Rwanda plot failing to put migrants off, Border Farce used ferries to rescue them from dinghies in the channel. Prof Van Dam’s knighthood ceremony was postponed as he caught covid.

Much better by noon Thursday, I accompanied Phil to town for a bit of shopping and flower-spotting in the sunshine. Sweet Shop Man joked about his partner aka sister-in-law. I refused to get involved in domestics but at least he wasn’t bemoaning prices for a change. Rooks squawked on the riverside. Unusual for the larger corvids to come into the centre, a glut of food including cake and pan-o-rice could explain it. We giggled at geese parading their fluffy goslings in front of paddling kids. They’d obviously learnt begging techniques from the jackdaws!

Annoyed Phil let me sort groceries alone, I lay down to rest but got tummy ache and asked him to bring washing in.

Operation Hillman concluded. 126 Partygate FPNs, Boris nor Carrie, Rishi or Simon Case, got more. Sue Gray’s report unlikely to name all those involved and cops not explaining why Boris was fined for attending the cake ambush and not any of the more ‘serious’ events, Former DPP Lord Ken MacDonald griped: “without the police providing an explanation for that it’s very difficult for us to understand why they came to the conclusions that they did…This was a major scandal at the heart of government…we remain very much in the dark about who was involved, who organised the parties, and who was responsible…that’s not good enough.” Yvette Coop added: “These were the people making the rules, the PM was in charge, he needs to take responsibility.” Bereaved families said they’d been ‘gaslit’.

The weather back to normal grey Friday, and darkly wet by evening, at least I was up and about. I expunged the worst muck from the living room and kitchen. In the co-op, it took 3 attempts for the reader to accept my card. My namesake said it didn’t like Satan’s Bank. An item seemingly missing from the freezer deal, when he arrived to help carry, Phil said he’d get it the next day. But he was later immobilised by a recurring back problem. Flareups often random, he blamed heavy bags. As he put a finger-trigger to his head, I advocated painkillers rather than suicide. He settled for wine.

Autumn covid jabs for the vulnerable and older age groups would exclude us. Rees-Moggy poo-pooed a windfall tax as ‘raiding the honeypot of business’ while Rishi and Ms. Murthy made the Sunday Times Rich List. Colchester, Doncaster, Milton Keynes, Bangor, Dunfermline, Wrexham, Douglas and Stanley were made cities for the jubilee. Blackburn, Boston, Crewe and Goole missed out. Wondering why never Blackpool, I discovered their last bid in 2011 was withdrawn as the labour mayor thought it a waste of money and brought no benefits – nobody didn’t visit because they didn’t know where it was.

Hot flushes and hunger meant no lie-in Saturday. I left Phil to a bath soak. Stressed by a cluttered kitchen, it deepened when he brought the washing down. I’d deliberately not asked him to, but he said putting socks on was harder. I replied to an e-mail from The Researcher on the guest blog and expo venues and mused over an arts festival launch. It seemed odd to be happening during the jubilee weekend, until I noted they got Platinum Funding. Not known for being royalist, townsfolk obviously changed their tune when money was offered! As Phil insisted on taking over the hoovering, manageable by sitting on the floor, I went out to potter. Failing to fix secateurs with a missing spring, he helped prune anyway. I cooked the bulk of dinner then he put rice on, went to buy baccy and left the pan to boil dry.

Early Sunday leg cramp eventually eased with shaking and rubbing. Not wishing to disturb Phil, I was about to get brekkie when he sprang to life. His back still bad, he groaned, apologised, then suggested an outing. Mishearing, I thought he said for lunch. “No, a run.” “Really? Can you even walk?” “A bit.” “Is it a good idea? I had no plans as I thought you wouldn’t be able to do actual walking and the weather’s a bit crap.” He insisted on getting out. We took a cyberman helmet to the nearby charity shop (good riddance!) and went to the park to see flora. While the ‘wildflower patch’ was mowed, we found tons of dandelion clocks and daisies, horse chestnut candles and 1 clover.

On Sunday Morning, E-on boss Michael Lewis said rising gas prices were due to the Russian pipeline – I recalled it started before then. Citing schemes to help people struggling with bills, he admitted they could do more. Higher standing charges due to ‘failures’ last year, he couldn’t lower costs but had lobbied Ofgem to do so and government to do more such as reinstating the UC uplift. Queried on the £6.6 bn profit, he said that was worldwide and equated to £20 per customer in the UK. Moonlighting from a heist movie we’d just watched, Nads Zahawi spouted the usual blather and deflection over Partygate. As nobody named in the Gray report objected before the 5.00 p.m. deadline, publication was imminent. In a thrilling end to the season at the top and bottom of the premiership, Leeds beat Brentford to stay in at Burnley’s expense.

WTF!

Waking with a heavy head Monday 23^rd, Phil interrupted haiga posting telling me he’d sold a tapestry, weirdly costing the same as a standard print. I imagined his brutalist photos writ large rather than trees. In the co-op, I inquired about the missing freezer deal item. The nice cashier directed me to a colleague who indicated a solitary pack which I’d missed. By then, a queue had formed at the kiosk. I waited ages for an ancient man to pay a gas bill. On hearing a booming ‘hello’, I turned to see New Gran’s partner. Poised to ask if she’d bought the oil painting, he was off. After lugging bags and stuffing the freezer, I was knackered.

Following days of denials, No. 10 admitted Boris, anticipating the end of Operation Hillman, met Sue Gray early May to discuss ‘timings and publication process’ of her report. ITV news published pics of Boris drinking behind a booze-littered table, toasting Lee Cain at his leaving do, November 2020. Rayner railed: “This is clearly a social gathering…people will be disgusted.” No. 10 insisted The Met had access to all photos. Insiders told Panorama weekly parties, condoned by the PM, were listed in the diary as WTF – ‘Wine-Time Friday’.

Tuesday mostly a boring round of chores and writing, we discussed potential for touting my photos. He reckoned I had even more of flowers than him and thinking daisies and dandelions might make good placemats, I edited some, signed up to Society 6, but chickened out of verifying the account.

Spreading since last week to 18 countries, there were 71 monkeypox cases in the UK. The infected had to self-isolate for 21 days. Responsive to smallpox vaccine and Tecovirimat and most cases mild, the wider population was at low risk. 80 climate protestors took over Shell’s AGM and 3 arrested. Lithuania proposed a passage to get grain out of Odesa, defying the Russians to stop a fleet of ships. Allegedly raised with Trussed-Up Liz, Downing Street dismissed the idea. As idiots swarmed onto the Elizabeth Line, a fire alarm caused chaos. Cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma pleaded guilty and would do 180 hours community service. A geothermal exploration project in Ryedale inspired daft ideas about re-activating extinct volcanoes. Who wouldn’t want a boiling hot lido in the middle of Edinburgh?

Wednesday morning, Phil took up my offer of fetching brekkie “I see, you only want to do it on apple days!” A Westminster TV marathon involved PMQs, a statement from Boris and a response from Keir.

Undistracted by a skirt-clad Rayner crossing her legs, Boris boasted he was great, had driven up investment and jobs and put his arms round people (ugh!) doable by taking tough decisions. Keir said the PM had seen sense at last regarding a windfall tax, quipped hindsight was a wonderful thing and referring to delivery to No. 10 that morning, asked: “What was it about the Sue Gray report that attracted him to a U-turn this week?” Boris reacted with more bragging, bizarrely saying: “Put that in your pipe!” Accused of complacency leading to the lowest growth of all major economies except Russia and a passport backlog, Boris babbled.

Responding to the Gray reportⁱⁱⁱ, Boris said he took full responsibility but wanted to explain the context. According to him, there were 8 breaches of covid laws in over 600 days. Staff, allowed to go to the office under exemptions, worked long hours, and he sometimes went briefly when they ‘gathered’, to thank them for hard work. He was unaware that some went on longer than necessary and fell foul of the rules as Gray found, because he wasn’t there and was ‘appalled’ by some behaviour, particularly the treatment of security and cleaning staff to whom he apologised and expected those responsible to apologise. He pointed out Gray acknowledged the ‘significant changes’ already made in line with recommendations in her interim report. Keir countered the report was testament to how they’d treated the public’s sacrifices with utter contempt, believing it was ‘one rule for them, another for everyone else’. It was about trust; he was clear what leadership looked like and didn’t break any rules. Any attempt to compare drinking beer with a meal to ‘this catalogue’ was ridiculous, but he would step down if found guilty, because honesty, integrity and responsibility mattered. “The game is up. You can’t be a law-maker and a law-breaker”; it was time the PM packed his bags so government could function again. Boris retaliated that a sanctimonious ‘Sir Beer Korma’ failed to live up to the high standards he expected from him. A privileges committee investigation into contempt by the PM would drag on.

A siesta hampered by external noise and coldness, I donned leggings under my jeans – in late May FFS!

Working on my novel for the first time in months Thursday, I got distracted researching conjuring tricks. Fed up stuck in the house again on a showery day, a decent Friday forecast again raised hopes of something fun. I forbade Phil help with the co-op shop. Amidst the usual random foray, several items had noticeably gone up in price but with an effort hunting out basic ranges and 2 for 1 offers, I stayed in budget. I agreed with Jack Munroe who told the BBC shopping on £20 a week was ‘exhausting’ as she supported Superdrug’s pledge on basic toiletries. Late evening, a sunny spell tempted me outside. Clambering on the bench moving pots around, my knee got wet and I went back in after 5 minutes. Phil emerged from a rest groaning, saying it was just a twinge – likely story!

Rishi Rich announced a £400 discount per household regardless of wealth and including second homes, instead of the £200 loan, with top-ups for low income households on benefits, disability benefit recipients and pensioners. There’d also be another £500 m for councils to allocate. £10 bn more borrowing and a 25% ‘energy levy’ (NOT windfall tax!) raising £5 bn from oil and gas companies, would pay for it. Unlevied electricity generators were under review. The NEF reckoned a 91% tax relief on investment would cost more at £5.7 bn, and the true cost was £21 bn. Rachel Reeves said Rishi was dragged kicking and screaming into a U-turn: “the chancellor has finally realised the problems the country are facing (sic).” Suspiciously soon after Gray’s report, Ed Davey griped it only replaced what was taken away in taxes and called it a ‘Rishi Scam’. He could have said party trick! The SNP agreed it wasn’t enough as the increased price cap would still exist next year. The IFS warned it might lead to more inflation and staunch tories termed it ‘throwing red meat to socialists’. Rishi insisted it was pragmatic. Paul Hebbletwit gave a sham apology to sacked P&O workers, saying there was no other way to deal with the situation. The shitshow subsequently lost a contract with Border Farce to provide contingency travel services at juxtaposed ports, whatever that meant! M&S finally pulled out of Russia, warning it’d cost £31m. RMT members at Euston and Green Park cancelled a tube strike during jubilee weekend but there’d be a much bigger one Monday 6^th June. Meanwhile, Mick Lynch said there could be a deal to avert a national rail strike if bosses talked.

Interminable faffing meant it was gone by the time we went walking Friday. The bright afternoon looked inviting but a biting wind made us shiver. We walked on the sunny towpath, detouring to explore a desire path and speak to an elderly man about his funny old souped-up car. Phil conjured images of a geriatric F&F, with OAPs racing in the deserted early morning streets. We returned via the park where the woman who lived next door was meeting a friend. Not seeing each other for weeks, we chatted briefly. According to her sister, Poland also had unseasonal wind – was it the same one? (for more details, see Cool Placesⁱ)

I left Phil at the co-op to find an ambulance backing up our street. Concerned for The Widower, I was relieved to see him pass – it was probably a regular call for End Neighbour. Too late for a siesta, I got coffee then realised Phil wasn’t back and must’ve gone to town. I rang to ask him to buy pickles but he was almost home.

Nasty Patel’s PPS Paul Holmes quit due to the ‘toxic culture’. Daniel Briceno Garcia was found guilty of stabbing his landlords in a bloodbath while paranoid about covid in lockdown #1. After EasyJet cancelled 200 flights due to a glitch, the Port of Dover told people heading to the continent to pack food and water in anticipation of delays and the RAC predicted 17.9 million leisure trips over the weekend.

Gardening on a mostly cloudy Saturday, I overheated during a blast of sun, stripped off a layer and gulped water. I caught the woman next door racing from car to door, and talked to Decorating Neighbour who suffered from chronic fatigue, possibly post-viral. I shared my wisdom, experiences of life on a reduced income and unreadiness for foreign travel. He concurred but planned to visit his daughter in Australia later in the year. Phil came out in a shirt. Was he off somewhere? No; just too hot. Despite Friday’s walk affecting his back, he tidied up a rosebush and made chapatis to go with curry. I’d forgot how much smoke they produced, which all rose to the bedroom. “Do it outside in future; on a bin lid!” I coughed.

Screeching geese and leg cramp, for the second Sunday running, ate into shuteye. Rising woozily, I opened the curtains to see grey to the east and blue to the west, which soon went. I hurried to the Sunday market for fresh supplies, getting spat on in the cool air. The crammed square a slalom, I found the knobbly veg stall already packing up, grabbed a few items and went to the convenience store. Back home, the woman next door was getting in her car. It tickled us that we’d now seen each other 3 times in as many days. Mentioning the veg trip, she told me she was fasting because she lacked energy – go figure! I spent the rest of the day on an Ocado order, writing and avoiding toadying, now in full swing in the build-up to the jubilee.

The Bumbler changed the ministerial code so they no longer had to resign if they broke it. Met with derision and claims it was to save the PM’s own skin, 4 more tories publicised letters to the 1922 committee. Swiss Toni insisted Boris would survive a confidence vote and Sue Gray wasn’t pressured to amend her report. Raging over its contents, Boris shouted ‘put the dog down!’; referring to a barking Dilyn. Apparently not the first time, it wasn’t as bad as yelling: ‘I am the effing Fuhrer’ despot-style as The Scumbag attested. An aide wrote Simon Case that Carrie held another flat party after the cake ambush which wasn’t investigated. Rayner demanded the PM came clean. Johnny Depp unbelievably turned up as a special guest at Jeff Beck’s gig in Sheffield. It later transpired he’d won his case against Amber Herd. Meanwhile in Paris, The Mona Lisa was ambushed by cake by a man disguised as a granny in a climate change protest and the champions league final turned into a debacle. The French blamed Liverpool fans with fake tickets. Russia advancing in the east, Vlod visited frontline troops in Donetsk. After Finland and Sweden held talks with Turkey over their NATO bid, Recep still objected, saying they protected the PKK.

With numb limbs, I rose late Monday, posted a haiga, sent photos to The Researcher for the takeover blog and worked on the journal. Adding chick peas to leftover curry sauce for lunch, I observed it came to under 30p a portion, then realised with bread, it didn’t! Metro’s Liz Burcher did it for a week, ate less than 900 calories a day and lost half a stone. A trip to the co-op quiet during half-term, I substituted extortionate pitta for tortillas. Was there a yeast shortage? Was it from Ukraine?

Senior tory Jeremy Wright issued a no confidence statement, bringing the known total to 28. ONS tracked 30 food basics bought by low income households since April 2021, showing pasta up 50%. Bread, mince, rice, juice, cereal, chicken, veg oil, baked beans, onions, toms, tea, coffee, bananas and mixed frozen veg, amongst other things, went up. Besides spuds, chips, sausages, pizza, apples and cheese went down. Milk stayed the same. The algorithm excluded Aldi and Lidl as they didn’t allow online ordering, and obviously co-op freezer deals. A vindicated Jack Munroe said people were priced out of their own dinners. On the covid front, face-mask were no longer required in Wales, Shanghai lifted a 2-month lockdown but citizens had to wear masks and avoid gatherings, and 3 gorillas tested positive at Cabarceno Nature Park, Spain.

Waking lots in the early hours, getting up was even harder on Tuesday. By the time I’d bathed, lateness reached weekend levels. As I cleaned the inside of the living room windows, Phil quipped it was in case the queen came round. “I think she’s busy this weekend, but you can put your bunting up, ha, ha!” A chugger knocked on the door as I brought step ladders down. I said it was a bad time. “I’ll come back later.” ‘Don’t bother!’ I muttered.

Andrea Leadskull told constituents that as Gray exposed unacceptable leadership failures, tories must decide individually on the right course of action. Will Haig reckoned MPs went back to their constituents in half-term and had a think, Boris was in ‘real trouble’ and a confidence vote imminent. Boris desperately rang round colleagues to garner support. He also wrote to civil servants, thanking them in one sentence and telling them there jobs were at risk in the next, according to Mark Serwotka. Meanwhile, Durham police sent Keir and Rayner Beergate questionnaires. Teaching unions asked Rishi and heist movie actor Nads Zahawi for free school meals for all kids of families on Universal Credit. Euro-zone inflation hit 8.1%, due to the usual suspects of fuel, covid and the war but not Brexit! As Russia blamed sanctions for the food crisis, Vlod accused them of lying and stealing 500,000 tons of grain. The EU would embargo 90% of Russian oil imports by the end of 2022, exempting the Druzhba (‘friendship’) pipeline to appease Viktor Orban.

* National Institute of Economic and Social Research

** Event Horizon Telescope

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. The Sue Gray Report: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1078404/2022-05-25_FINAL_FINDINGS_OF_SECOND_PERMANENT_SECRETARY_INTO_ALLEGED_GATHERINGS.pdf

Part 100 – War of the Words

“The home secretary is single-minded about recreating Australia’s abuse of people seeking asylum in the UK. Mr Downer is an architect of Australia’s offshore detention camps, which led to rampant child abuse and detention conditions described…as cruel, inhuman and degrading” (Bella Sankey)

Fighting Talk

After mediocre sleep, fatigue and achiness persisted. I managed some stretching Monday while Phil got brekkie then disappeared. To mark Valentine’s Day, he presented me with a candy-striped bag containing more old postcards, including 2 of Chester’s Eastgate from different eras. I itched to go and take photos with the box brownie sometime. I gave him the arty catkins card I’d made, later sharing it on social media.

I stayed in the bedroom posting blogs, hampered by blinding sun between showers. My siesta severely disrupted by canalside pile-drivers, I covered my ears until they quit for 10 minutes shut-eye. In the metro, Prof. Paul Hunter explained covid re-infections accounting for 1:24 of the total, weren’t necessarily milder but strengthened immunity. We giggled at a ghost telling people to eff off at Dead Woman’s Ditch.

Petrol prices up, Northern PowerGrid sent trillion-pound compensation cheques to customers who’d suffered disruption during last months’ storms. The Met Office warned more was to come with Storm Dudley crossing the UK Wednesday into Thursday, followed by Storm Eunice on Friday.

The Metropolitan Police Federation declared ‘no faith’ in mayor Khan. Meanwhile, commander Julian Bennett who wrote the drugs strategy and held misconduct hearings leading to 56 sackings, allegedly took LSD and cannabis. investigating the source of the Jimmy Savile nonsense, Scotland Yard’s CCDH* had messages from Telegram users including Tommy Robinson, calling for Keir’s execution. He told Radio Newcastle he didn’t like to talk about death threats. With no case for re-joining the EU, he wanted to make Brexit work. Did he have any ideas to share with Rees-Moggy? Boris went to Rosyth shipyard to dress up and warn we were on the edge of a precipice. He meant Ukraine not Brexit! Urging Europeans to move away from reliance on Russian oil and gas, he said “we need to find alternative sources of energy and…get ready to impose some very, very severe economic consequences.” Hmm. Wouldn’t sanctioning oligarchs hurt London more than Moscow? And was his fighting talk mere bravado after Mauritius planted their flag on the Chagos islands?

Startled awake by heavy machinery Tuesday, it persisted on and off for the second day running. I left earplugs in and increased the telly volume to lessen the din. Though still achy and fatigued, I managed some exercise then sat abed and worked on the laptop until coffee fooled me into thinking I was better. I donned comfy clothes, tidied round the bedroom and stuck antique postcards on the mirror, then flagged and took lunch back to bed. A changeable day with some sun, I suggested Phil go to the co-op before storms arrived. Finding no sweet potatoes nor substitute turnips, things were bad!

Vlad asked Sergei Lavrov if there was any point in continued talks. Serge replied they weren’t exhausted but couldn’t go on forever. As the Russians moved some troops from the Ukrainian border, Olaf Scholz sat at the other end of the Kremlin’s long table to say they must converse. Vlad wanted to discuss missiles and military transparency, Jens Stolenberg expressed ‘cautious optimism’ but called Vlad’s’ tactics the ‘new normal’ and planned NATO battle groups as a counter-measure. Mixed signals didn’t encourage Boris but the 3.00 a.m. Wednesday invasion predicted by a ‘US intelligence source’ proved untrue.

UK covid deaths fell for the second week, by 10%. Up in Wales and care homes, the over 80’s made up almost 2/3 of fatalities. Global cases down 19%., rules would relax in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Up in Eastern Europe, why did Vlad choose now to ditch the long table and meet Bolsonaro at a tiny one? Leaving behind 105 fatalities from ruinous heavy rain and mudslides in Petropolis, the Brazilian anti-vaxxer refused covid testing. Jabs for 5-11 year olds were approved across the UK, Prof. Sarah Gilbert became a dame and the Runnymede Trust proved their case that The Cock broke equality laws hiring tory mates Dildo and Mike Coupe. Failing to end the Freedom Convoy blockades, Ottawan police chief Peter Sloly resigned and emergency powers allowed protesters’ bank accounts to be frozen. The Canadian Civil Liberties Association tweeted they didn’t ‘meet the threshold’ to invoke the act.

Sucking Swizzles drumsticks in the evening, we groaned at a clip of the interminable BBC Novax interview which basically boiled down to him saying ‘I’m special!’ “He’s special alright!” laughed Phil, “another tennis player who’s boring because he eats boring food.“ “Yep. He never eats lollies!”

Roused by noisy engineering works again Wednesday morning, I head fug and achiness persisted and my legs felt leaden going up stairs. Glad of a respite from Westminster shenanigans during half-term, I took it easy, worked on the laptop and tried to book train travel. As something went wrong at check-out, I went round in circles trying to work out what, eventually found a phone number on the NR website but angry and frustrated, left the call unmade. Bright clouds signified a full moon somewhere in the stormy night sky, which abated at some point after midnight. During mediocre sleep, I dreamt of meeting friends and doing a work. Was it a post-covid world?

Sotrovimab cut the risk of hospitalisation and death in vulnerable patients by up to 80% and Paxlovid by 90%. The cabinet office asked the Met if they planned to publish the 300 Partygate photos, along with number and reasons of fines. According to Boris’ lawyer, if he wasn’t drunk, he could say it was part of a normal working day! Cost of living increases at a 30-year high, household goods doubled in price while wages rose 4.3% Oct-Dec 2021. Not keeping pace with inflation, 2/3 cut back on buying clothes, eating out and take-aways. Care workers were added to the Shortage Occupation List. As Bonnie Prince Charlie’s heritage foundation was investigated for cash for honours, brother Andrew settled out of court with Virginia Giuffre apparently for £12 million and came bottom of a poll of most popular royal – unsurprisingly topped by the queen. Ahead of Storm Dudley, 66 mph winds hit Emley Moor. At least it shut the engineers up!

Stormy Rhetoric

Determined not to stay abed another full day, I ignored aches Thursday, exercised, wiped round the kitchen, took coffee back up, worked on the laptop and rang NR to book train tickets. Having to spell MARY to the Indian woman, I wondered if she was in Bangalore. Pain eased, I ventured outdoors, breathed deeply of fresh air and went to the co-op in case Storm Eunice precluded a Friday trip. Not too busy, I didn’t initially don a mask but as elderly gammons coughed in the second aisle, I hastily stuck one on. No bacon at all, I settled for cheap gammon steaks. The irony wasn’t lost on me! Storm Dudley left grey dampness in its wake and a shower descended as I plodded home. After lunch, I fetched the laptop down and joined Phil channel-hopping between Olympic curling (his favourite) and figure-skating (mine). Repeatedly falling, controversial Kamila Valieva was out of contention. The distraught 15 year old wasn’t comforted by heartless ROC coaches but at least her ordeal was over and medals could be awarded after all the palaver.

In an NHS Confederation survey, 4/5 senior staff in England thought mask-wearing should continue in healthcare settings and over 3/4 disagreed with government scrapping isolation rules and free testing. Other surveys found less people self-isolating, but more shopping and commuting. 1/5 trains cancelled caused issues for those compelled to travel to offices. Reportedly 251 sex offence allegations against Met staff last year, the CPS prosecuted 3 cops for sharing misogynistic and racist WhatsApp chat with Wayne Couzens. Luhansk separatists considered ‘increased’ Ukrainian shelling a ‘large scale provocation’ and returned fire. Kyiv disputed the claim. Ben Wally went to a NATO summit in Brussels and said it was important Vlad understood they were ‘deadly serious’ in facing the threat posed and Trussed-Up Liz parroted Jen’s rhetoric of Russian ‘false flag operations’ as a pretext for invasion. Amid reports Nasty Patel was to end the golden visa for oligarchs and hire Alexander Downer to review Border Farce, Dr. Shola on Jeremy Vine said she couldn’t do her job. Yep, she was good at the nasty rhetoric but absolute rubbish at doing stuff! The former Australian asylum tsar an architect of their inhumane immigration policy, the PCS said his support for pushback made him a ‘wholly inappropriate choice’. Clare Mosely of Care4Calais railed: “The Australian offshore asylum programme was one of the most reprehensible systems in the world, leading to untold human misery and widespread condemnation. That Pritti Patel looks forward to Mr Downer’s findings is telling. It is clear that the references to a ‘threat’ at our border refers to Channel migrants, but they are no more a threat than any bus-load of ordinary British people.” Bella Sankey added Nasty was intent on ‘recreating Australia’s ‘abuse of people seeking asylum’ and their offshore detention camps led to ‘conditions described by the International Criminal Court as cruel, inhuman and degrading’. After an ACAB knifeman was shot dead at Gare du Nord Tuesday, Angela Rayner outraged Guardianistas by saying police should shoot first, ask questions later. Adding criminals should be antagonised, her views were formed growing up with anti-social behaviour. That’s Ashton for you!

Coinciding with a spring tide, storm warnings were at red, and the army put on standby by cobra. The public were urged not to travel and particularly not drive to the coast for spectacles of crashing breakwaters. Phil’s Friday morning appointment in Leeds looking dodgy, he discovered train cancellations and NR sent me a message advising against all non-essential journeys. After a Prime film, I went to bed to watch QT.

Jake Berry called The Glove-Puppet a powerhouse but didn’t know why he needed a Levelling Up white paper. While Andy Bunman welcomed London-style ‘level bus fares’, he said with services cut, rhetoric was all very well but in reality: “the north/south divide has got wider during this pandemic.” Broadcast from Leeds, I wondered why he was on rather than Tracey Brabin, then she popped up on Newscast to add there was less footfall on the buses but ending covid support was counter-intuitive because of the need to increase usage. £22 billion for the Brownfield Land Release fund the only new money, with strings attached, she said government must be true to devolved power and let mayors make decisions for the communities they knew and understood. She looked forward to ‘Disrupter’ Gove’s daytrip to Yorkshire. Maybe she’d take him to Betty’s tea room for a Fat Rascal which she thought were from Cheshire. Yorkshireman Chris Mason on hols, Adam Fleming chuckled he was stuck with his kids at Tod services. No such place existed. Had he picked the name of a northern town at random? Temp presenter Alex Forsyth claimed to have invented Levelling Up.

Silvery rooftops belied the oncoming storm Friday. Phil snorted at warnings of catastrophe: “Storm Eunuch more like!” But with torrential rain and more train cancellations later, he agreed he’d have got stuck in Leeds. Reaching 85 mph at Emley Moor, record 122 mph winds battered The Needles and 200,000 homes lost power. Falling debris and trees resulted in 3 fatalities while a tree killed a man sweeping leaves in Ireland.

P&O ferries to Calais and Welsh trains were suspended, the A6 closed at Buxton as did the Prince of Wales, Severn and Humber bridges. Roofs torn off buildings, the millennium dome was a wreck. Where would they hold the festival of Brexit? In Europe, 4 died and a crane fell on a hospital in Belgium.

Meaning to do something active, I ended up writing all day while watching skating and curling. Concerned when Phil dashed out in the blustery afternoon for extra bread, he found it not as bad as it looked and no signs of devastation. GB women got to the curling final. Phil not realising he missed a nail-biting tie-breaker, I joked I knew more about his favourite winter sport than him!

No doubt sparked by schoolkids’ letters on Partygate, new DoE guidance on political impartiality in the classroom called BLM ‘partisan’. Criticised by unions and anti-racism campaigners, Mary Bousted of NEU predicted decreased student engagement and Hope Not Hate’s Nick Lowles said it focused on: “creating a debate about the culture wars rather than helping pupils learn about racism and prejudice.” Uncle Joe still believed war was imminent as Russia announced ‘massive’ nuclear drills involving multiple missile launches. Serge mocked the ‘fake’ warning. In the week’s business news, M&S raised minimum wages to £10 an hour, NatWest were to close 32 branches and American coffeeshop giant Starbucks cut back UK sales of Fairtrade coffee due to supply chain changes.

Call of the Wild

Flood warnings spilled over into Saturday. With trees on lines and trains in the wrong place, travel disruption continued. Rain turned to sleet, then snow. Pastel-shaded icing coated the hillside until the flakes grew in size. The kettle did the weird mental thing. As we now used the blisteringly fast second-hand kettle (putting up with lairy red plastic and lurid neon blue lights) to save money, it seemed likely the inundated water system was to blame. Icy lumps formed on telegraph wires and evaporating snow created vapour which reascended as liquid. As the sun came out, we seized the opportunity for a trip to the nearby clough. We waded down the slushy street where half-frozen puddles held fallen leaves captive and snowmelt deafeningly dripped from gutters. We found pavements on higher lanes rather slippery. My anxiety increased trying to dodge a huge family group and speeding traffic at junctions. In the clough, stunning colours competed for our attention with the sounds of nature. Large drops plopped in the blue swamp. Curly copper leaves rustled in the crisp breeze. Yellow narcissi sprung from squelchy earth. A fat red robin called to potential mates. Silvery light shone on wildly gushing streams.

Seeing a manmade red snail on the way into town, I didn’t think anything of it until another on the old pub sign made us wonder if it was a red snail trail. The centre quiet, I remarked it only took a week of storms to clear it! We grabbed a few items in the convenience store and went home, where Phil disappeared upstairs leaving me to faff with groceries and lunch. Back and legs aching from the short walk, I collapsed on the sofa (for more walks, see Cool Placesⁱ). Watching Lucifer, Phil joked he could be the ecumenical adviser with his knowledge of angels and demons. I thought they already had good ones. Drifting off, I composed a haigaⁱⁱ, and unusually didn’t wake during a night of fuzzy dreams – no doubt due to the fresh air and exertions.

Agreeing with The NHS Confederation, BMJ and WHO (flummoxed by the prospective end of isolation requirements), Wes Streeting told Sunday Morning that labour’s ‘living well with covid’ plan involved sensible precautions and preparedness for future variants. Sophie gave him a hard time on their response to Boris’ anticipated easement and then asked The Bumbler next to nothing about it! Amid the usual bluster, he gave us a primary school history lesson on The Ukraine and evaded Partygate questions.

I’d gone to bed before being drawn into the women’s curling final and viewing the end highlights, wondered if they were at it all night. GB Beat Japan, confounding pundits. The men getting silver, it was our only medal of the whole games. No trace of the snow, the day started cold and became increasingly wet. I hurried bathing and dressing. Losing mobile and telly signals for a few hours, we watched iPlayer then had a break from the box. He hoovered the attic while I picked up where I left off spring-cleaning the kitchen. The corner shelves gross, I developed backache and a raging thirst. At a packed Elland Road, Leeds vs Man Utd was like the old days, complete with broken heads. The Swamp must have evoked tribal memories!

Omicron-specific Moderna vaccine would be trialled in Leeds, Hull and Sheffield. Stun grenades and pepper spray were used to clear the Freedom Convoy and arrest 170 in Ottawa. Mini Macron again spoke to Vlad raising hopes for a diplomatic solution but with shelling in Ukraine’s separatist region and renewed American warnings that Russia planned a war within days, hadn’t we been here before?

Aware of sirens upriver as Storm Franklin blew in, we escaped flooding. 150 warnings in total, Northern Ireland bore the brunt with a threat to life in South Manchester as the Mersey burst its banks. Since the system came in 7 years ago, it was the first time the UK had been hit by 3 named storms within a week. The all-nighter severely disturbed sleep.

* Centre for Countering Digital Hate

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 99 – Culture Club

“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)

Lovely Jubbly!

Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigaⁱ and journal, and worked on the next episode.

Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21^st February, there’d be no Novax!

Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”

Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?

Cancel Culture

As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.

The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.

Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15^th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.

I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.

Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21^st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!

Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.

Menagerie

Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.

Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.

Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!

Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.

Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?

I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.

Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomⁱ. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?

The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 92 – Fairy Tales

“Will the prime minister take time this Christmas to look in the mirror and ask himself if he has the trust and authority to lead this country?” (Keir Starmer)

Once Upon A Dream

Monday, WordPress made a mess with blue highlights but I persevered to post blogs before lunch. Putting rubbish out, the dustbin was full of water and other nasty crap. Cleaning it out was rather disgusting! Too late for yoga, I rested in bed and warmed up. During a fractious night-time sleep, I dreamt of the house with all the rooms again. This time, there were new bits including a staircase in an annex. What did it mean?

Omicron spread across the UK claiming its first death. The 10 hospital cases were aged 18- 85, mostly double-vaccinated. Goblin Saj said they were ‘throwing everything at’ the booster programme and The Bumbler, at a vax centre in Paddington, added it was at ‘warp speed’. He didn’t rule out tighter measures. No LFTs available on the official website, Boris insisted there were loads ‘in the shops’. Wes Streeting called it a ‘shambles’. Contrary to my expectations, commuter traffic fell by up to 40% and rail station footfall by 20%, signalling office-workers stayed home. Responding to Boris’ Sunday night statement, Keir supported the government’s plan because boosters gave the best chance of protecting against Omicron and advised we use the Christmas break to get 12-16 year olds jabbed and come forward if we’d not yet had any. Criticising them for not stepping up sooner, he said “time and again the public have stepped up and done the right thing,” measures really helped to prevent infection and stop the NHS being overwhelmed, and “your efforts will save lives.” He thanked the NHS for their ‘dedication, skill and sheer hard work’. It sounded a tad more sincere than Witless’ tweet. South Africa taking Omicron ‘in their stride’, the death rate during the fourth wave was much lower than in previous ones but the president was infected. Nat West bank were fined for laundering money from Fowler Oldfield jewellers in Bradford who allegedly recycled gold.

In a dream week for labour, Jess Philips hosted HIGNFY. Watching the repeat, we had a good laugh at the Italian false arm story and excuses for not restoring power in the North East after Storm Arwen – the wrong type of wind blew in the wrong direction apparently!

Hearing a knock at the door Tuesday morning, I suspected it was the awaited parcel. Phil got there before me and I shouted down instructions not to read it. I typed up a plethora of news notes and went to the Post Office, miraculously almost queue-less and quick, then to the co-op. A cluster of ditherers crowded round the seasonal shelf so I had to circle round to buy treats. In the afternoon, we fetched boxes of decorations from the attic and decorated the Christmas trees. He had a siesta but I eschewed mine to continue.

UKHSA predicted a million Omicron cases a day by the middle of next week and Witless warned of rising hospitalisations. The infected could now take daily LFTs again instead of isolating if fully vaccinated; if they could get hold of them. LFT issues persisted and PCR slots weren’t available in walk-ins or drive-throughs across England. The red list to be abandoned Monday, testing rules remained. Amid criticism of the booster programme for lack of warning or preparation, the NHS booking site crashed, 6 hour queues formed at walk-ins and people were turned away from vax centres. With confusion about whether the latest proclamation meant boosters would be given or just offered by 31^st December, pledges were made to be open 12 hours a day ‘as standard’ including Christmas Day if needed and the 15 minute post-jab wait was scrapped.

Several MPs reportedly self-isolating, the commons voted on Plan B including mandatory jabs for health staff. Marcus Fish was among 100 tory backbenchers defying the government, saying it wasn’t Nazi Germany: ‘papers please’. Sturgeon announced Scotland’s winter plan, involving social-distancing in shops, more contact-tracing in hospitality, working from home, minimising social mixing to a maximum 3 households, and taking LFTs but allowing Christmas parties. Tory MSPs berated her for only just bringing in mass vax centres.

Mirror, Mirror

Waking a smidge before 8 Wednesday, I stopped the alarm going off. Phil was sniffly. Deciding I’d go to the deceased friend’s funeral service but not chance the wake, he joshed he wasn’t coming to the chapel but would go to the club later to spread his germs around! Obviously he didn’t. As I left the house very early for me, at least it was sunny after a grey start to the week. I nodded to people I vaguely recognised in front of the chapel and spoke to a few fellow old pub mates. We carefully filed in to find every other pew roped off. Slightly squashed between German Friend and bald men, I kept my eyes front and mask on, even when singing. Back outside, I cautiously evaded hugs, agreed with the deceased friend’s daughter the flowers were impressive (sourcing sunflowers was quite a feat at this time of year) and reminisced with Painting Friend about the escapade when the deceased friend’s sister came to our house after the pub, headed home and got lost in the crags. Phil later remined me she knocked her teeth out which could explain why she looked much older! I walked Painting Friend as far as the corner pub to catch up – she’d had 4 jabs including flu and was really busy with work, due to the DIY craze and last years’ hiatus. Back home, I finished decorating the living room. Phil ate ancient mint sweets. The first one okay, he put a second in his gob, pulled a face and rushed to spit it out. “Serves you right!” I laughed. Exhausted, I lay down to rest. My eyes were shutting but inevitably I failed to sleep.

78,500 daily cases, a record since the start of the pandemic, Omicron infections more than doubled every day nationwide. At a press briefing, Witless called it a really serious threat and warned ‘don’t mix’. Boris stuck to his guns on Plan B. Pubs clamouring for more money, Rishi was on a jaunt in California. During PMQs, Keir pointed out Plan B wouldn’t have passed if it wasn’t for labour votes. Saying “We cannot go on with a PM who is too weak to lead,” he asked if he’d use the Christmas break to look in the mirror and ask himself if he had the trust and authority to lead? Boris retorted he understood colleagues’ anxieties about restrictions on liberty but believed ‘the approach we are taking is balanced and proportionate’. Problems getting tests into a third day, Jenny Harries denied there were insufficient LFTs but an astounding number of requests caused ‘some temporary pressure.’ Scotland was the first UK nation to boost 50% of adults. The Daily Mirror revealed yet another tory revel. Shaun Bailey and his campaign mates posed next to a sumptuous buffet at the tory party HQ. He was forced to resign from the London Assembly crime panel – ha. Ha! Lady Hallett was announced as chair of the inquiry into government’s handling of the pandemic to start early 2022. Bereaved families said fine, but it should have come much sooner. Due to ‘severe and increasing difficulties’ in the sector, the Migration Advisory Committee’s annual report advised care workers be put on the shortage of occupation list (SOL). Bragging they were the only supermarket to give staff paid breaks, Aldi announced a pay rise to £10.10 an hour from February 2022. In Dresden, an anti-lockdown, anti-vax Telegram group planned to assassinate Saxon president Michael kretschmer, leading to police raids.

Required to shut the laptop down the previous evening, I waited impatiently for it to restart Thursday morning so I could get to work. I prepared remaining cards to mail including one for Phil’s sister, asked him to post them on his way to the station and went to the market. The owner of next door sat on the bench on the new bridge, after visiting the dentist. I’d not had my teeth checked out for 2 years but 2 hospital visits convinced me clinical settings were probably the safest places in a pandemic! At the fish van, the woman in front of me ordered items for next week and asked what time they opened. “We start serving at 7,” the fishmonger replied. “I’ll be here at 7 then.” His wife laughed, “He’s been telling everyone that. If you come first thing there’ll be a huge queue!” None on the stalls, I went to the new veg shop on the hunt for chestnuts. No luck but I did get giant mushrooms and pomegranates. As I walked back, the carrier bag painfully collided with my leg. Stupid pomegranates! Phil came towards me and confirmed he’d got the cards for posting. Knackered, I dumped the bags, made a hasty lunch, and cleaned the bedroom. A long time since I’d done so without Phil’s help, I managed okay. Phil rang early evening from his studio. He’d sent me photos on Insta of some of his prints. Never having used the messaging feature, I faffed to view them and suggested which to bring home. Making charity donations online, one site required an additional ‘donation’ even though there was no platform fee – what was that about? I’d just finished my dinner when Phil returned. Cold, knackered, and with sore feet after walking over 15,000 steps round a deserted city in actual shoes, he cheered up watching Netflix – the end of Money Heist didn’t disappoint.

Boris was accused of ‘lockdown by stealth’ with scientific advisers running the show – about time, if true. Boris later played down a split with ‘experts’, saying he and Witless were on the same page. Witless told the health & social care committee Omicron hospitalisations were likely higher than the 15 confirmed. He didn’t want to dictate what people did but advised they prioritise and it’d be better in future when vaccines and anti-viral drugs did the ‘heavy lifting’ against mutants. Wes Streeting wanted ‘a deal to help hospitality’. Gillian Keegan insisted there was. The Queen cancelled her traditional pre-Christmas family party as it put too many people’s plans at risk. Eurostar already sold out, UK tourist and business travellers were banned from France. From Saturday, you needed ‘compelling reasons’ to go and evidence of 2 negative tests with 2 days’ isolation in-between. Inflation at 5.1% in November, the highest for a decade, fuel, energy, food and clothes prices were to blame. The BOE raised the interest rate to 0.25%. Hitting mortgage-payers and not passed onto savers, it was a lose-lose! Tory since 1832, Lib Dems won the North Shropshire byelection. While new MP Helen Morgan celebrated in Oswestry, the 1922 committee put Boris ‘on notice’.

The QT panel were asked if lockdown was inevitable. Lisa Nandy said we must do everything we can and the government weren’t doing their bit. Chris Hopson of NHS Providers told us we didn’t know enough about Omicron yet, the NHS was the busiest it’d ever been, and although vaccines had ‘changed the rules of the game’, staff would go off sick as infections rose and we needed clear and consistent messaging. Tory boy Chris Philp denied ‘mixed messages’ and blathered about numbers. Stewart Hosie, SNP, complained with the ‘one rule for them and another for everyone else’, mixed messages ‘couldn’t be more stark’. Olivia Utley of the Torygraph, thought there was too much messaging, we should manage our own risk and the vulnerable should stay indoors. Not that again! On if we’d gone from ‘world-beating’ to chaotic shambles, Hopson said the vulnerable must be prioritised and the NHS was trying hard to ramp up capacity. Tory Boy promised the sooner we all got vaccinated, the sooner the economy would go back to normal. Nandy claimed the government were more interested in bluster than detail, and accused Rishi of being MIA. Discussing investment in Stoke, which had more than the national average of deprived areas, Tory Boy reeled off more figures. Nandy berated him for arrogance, saying local people, not Westminster, knew what northern towns needed. The questioner applauded: ‘you’re bang on the money tonight, love!’ Others agreed ‘levelling up’ stopped at Watford Gap and she was the only one who’d connected with them.

Cobblers

Foggy with frost on the hills, the poor crows squatted on aerials all puffed up waiting for their brekkie Friday morning. It brightened later only to go dark again mid-afternoon. Struggling with fatigue, I rallied after a few exercises, headed to the tat market for a couple of items and rushed back to the co-op, remarkably well-stocked apart from turkeys. Phil caught up with me in the aisles, carried bags home and commented on loose cobbles on the street below – just waiting for an accident and subsequent legal action! Indoors, the house was as freezing as outdoors.

Over 93,000 cases, Omicron was now the dominant strain in Scotland. Also rising across Europe (including France), Ursula Von Hitler said it was growing at a ‘ferocious rate’. Boosters were found to cut the risk of serious illness by 85%. New measures for Wales entailed taking an LFT a day before meeting up, outside if possible. Further restrictions would follow on Boxing Day for nightclubs and hospitality (with money to help those affected) as they would in Northern Ireland and Scotland where financial talks were due. Rishi cut short his California trip to meet business leaders. Another alleged Whitehall party on 15^th May 2020 involved wine and pizza, unbelievably to thank aides for work during lockdown! Metro said the first person to die of Omicron was a conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxer. But the Telly Doctor on Jeremy Vine said it was a 70 plus recluse and a mystery how he caught it. Which version was cobblers? Food banks reported a ‘sudden and worrying’ increase in demand in the runup to Christmas thanks to removal of the Universal Credit uplift, and soaring food and energy costs. Clement Bonehead sought EU legal action over French licenses in the month-long fish war.

The fog didn’t lift at all during the weekend. Saturday brekkie was made stressful by a cluttered kitchen. As I slid on a slippery patch on the floor, my slipper flew off and vanished under the cooker. I Panicked before managing to retrieve it. I worked on the journal, cleaned and put more Christmas stuff up. Phil went into a packed town centre. “People are egg-nogging the shit out of it!” “I’m not surprised if they think there’s going to be a lockdown next week!” in the evening, he cooked his signature burgers leaving the grill pan full of fat.

Sunday, I hurried to the market – not too busy with al fresco drinkers in the freezing conditions! I got a selection of dirty veg (everything but the chestnuts), popped in the convenience store and headed home to dispose of a pile of recycling, flopped on the sofa to recover and wrote a haiga based on a knitted angel on the town’s tree. Making the Christmas cake, I’d spent an hour on prep before Phil eventually came to help. Waiting for it to bake, we watched catch-up to be interrupted by a knock at the door. A woman wearing a lanyard barked: “Number 37. Do we know this lady?” Wondering who ‘we’ were, I eyed her blankly, then deduced she meant Elderly Neighbour – they had her name down wrong. She asked if anyone else lived there. “Yes, her husband.” I stepped out to investigate. The Student leaned out of her landing window, we concurred that if nobody was home, they must be at the hospital and she messaged him.

90,000 new cases and 12 deaths from Omicron, leaked sage minutes predicted 3,000 hospitalisations per day by January and advised extra measures now. Neil Ferguson called it ‘precarious’. A worried Khan declared a state of emergency in London. Thousands of anti-vaxxers took no notice. At a ‘freedom rally’, masked cops with batons faced unmasked protestors moving from Parliament Square to Downing Street. Vaccine minister Maggie Throup went to Derby to pose in a Post Office vest and pretend to deliver tests. All 4 UK national leaders met urgently, without Boris. Simon Case resigned after hilariously discovering he was at his own party on 17^th December. Sue Gray took over his investigations. After his original plan to go in January was leaked to the Daily Mail, Lord Frosty wrote Boris his immediate resignation, citing covid measures. A spat on a WhatsApp group led to Nads Doris being chucked off. Rayner said the tories were ‘in chaos’. On the last ever Marr show, Goblin Saj fawned that Frosty was an ‘outstanding public servant’. Liz Truss would take over with European minister Chris Heaton-Harris as deputy. A month-long lockdown began in Holland. Most premier league matches called off Saturday, 25% of players were unvaccinated. Phil reckoned they listened to their wives who lived on social media and believed all the Facebook tales. Leeds versus Arsenal the only game on, the rule that if they had a squad of 14 they played, seemed a load of cobblers. Fans chanting ‘Boris Johnson is a c*nt!’ went viral.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 90 – Isn’t it Moronic?

“The gaffer picks the team, that’s how it goes and that’s how it has always gone. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about the circus of who’s in, and who’s out, who’s up, who’s down, who knew, who didn’t” (Lisa Nandy)

Reshuffle kerfuffle

An ‘arctic shot’ brought overnight lows of -8, yellow ice warnings and a freezing start to Monday. Waking early, I planned to doze until the heating came on and fell proper asleep to be woken by Phil. After warming porridge, I made a huge effort to get moving, did nasty chores and donned the sensible boots and bear coat to take a sample to the surgery before the noon deadline. Black ice lurked on partially-cleared pavements and partially-gritted roads. Small crunchy drifts huddled against brickwork. Clumps of frilly leaves shivered off by the cold, settled prettily on iced shrubs. Irked Phil hadn’t made coffee for my return, I stomped down to the South Pole to fetch it and slumped on the sofa, posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal. As the temperature rose late evening, the snow disappeared as if by magic. At bedtime, I had a EHS episode which sounded like an actual explosion and I recalled a few recent incidents but not the dates.

Lampooners pointed out Omicron was an anagram of moronic. 11 confirmed cases in the UK and the mutant’s resistance to vaccines a mystery, JCVI maintained we were still better protected with boosters and recommended all adults got one after 3 months rather than 6. 12-15 year olds would be offered a second dose of Pfizer. More cases also found in Belgium, Austria, Denmark, France, Holland and Australia, G7 health ministers met. Rose Allin-Khan berated the government for the limited mandating of face-masks: ‘Does covid not spread in pubs?’ In the wake of Storm Arwen during which 3 died, people were stuck in the Tan Hill Inn for 3 days with an oasis tribute band and the I’m a Celeb set was damaged. At a ceremony to mark Barbados becoming an independent republic, Dame Sandra Mason was sworn in as president, Rihanna became a national hero and Bonny Prince Charlie appeared as a figurehead. In a shadow cabinet reshuffle, Yvette Coop was made shadow home secretary, David Lammy shadow foreign secretary and Lisa Nandy would shadow The Glove-Puppet on ‘levelling up’.* Outlining plans for overhauling rules and procedures on politicians’ behaviour, Rayner appeared unaware of the moves leading to speculation she was blindsided. Lisa ‘couldn’t care less’ about the ‘reshuffle kerfuffle’.

I was up with the 8 o’clock alarm Tuesday. A text link allowed me to track the gas engineer but required a log in. I left it until after exercise, by which time I’d missed a call from the guy himself. I phoned him to be told he’d be 20 minutes and got dressed just in time. We directed him to the boiler upstairs and I tidied some tools away downstairs so we didn’t get sued for injury. I’d just gone back up when he wanted to know where the timer was meaning I had to go back down again, then he asked where the gas metre was. I escorted him to the cubby hole and hung around in the South Pole until he’d done. He said everything was okay but advised on age and efficiency as usual. We assured him we knew but couldn’t afford a replacement until it wore out. In the co-op later, the fresh food aisles were almost bare thanks to yet another power cut. I had a member’s offer of a quid off prosecco and biccies. I got the fizz but eschewed the Fox’s fabulously biscuits – what was festive about jammy dodgers? At the kiosk, only the furthest till was open with a notice claiming it was to keep staff safe, but two of them stood chatting with no social distancing. Being served, I was deafened and stressed out by an awful fire alarm test.

My member’s points not added, the receipt said there was a problem with my card and I had to ring the freephone number. I rang later and was subsequently asked for feedback on the call. They stupidly wanted to know why I hadn’t use the website. It wasn’t an option, you morons!

The latest restrictions came into force at 4.00 a.m., mandating PCR tests for all returning travellers, 10 days’ isolation for anyone in contact, even if vaccinated, and face-coverings on public transport and in retail settings. Secondary schoolkids were ‘strongly advised’ to wear them in communal areas. Dr. Philippa Whitford MP pointed out the 2-day wait for a PCR result was confusingly less than the virus’ incubation period In a late vote, MPs extended the measures to March 2022. The 1922 committee feared a return to a ‘pingdemic’ while labour wanted to go further and require working from home. Doing the media rounds, Jenny Harries advised minimising social contacts to slow the spread of Omicron but amid concerns of the impact on hospitality, Boris contradicted her, saying there was no need to “change the overall guidance about how people should be living their lives.” At a press conference, he promised a booster within two months to everyone eligible thanks to help from the army and new vax centres. Amanda Pritchard pleaded for more volunteers. Pfizer CE Albert Bourla said they’d already started to develop a new vaccine which would be ready in 95 days. Gérald Darmanin suggested more talks with the UK to discuss proposals for a ‘balanced agreement’ to tackle the migrant crisis were imminent. Inflation in the eurozone reached 4.9%, the highest since 1997 and TSB were to shut 70 branches.

Nonsensical

Unlike the previous day, the alarm didn’t rouse me immediately Wednesday. Preparing to go out, it started teeming down leading to a rapid change of outerwear and a mild panic before going to the bus stop. In the next town, we made a few purchases from B&M, including the Fox’s fabulously biscuits. Phil disagreed that jammy dodgers weren’t festive and they were cheaper than the co-op even with the member’s offer. Heading into the Market Hall café, The Poet hurried in and out again. I gave a hasty greeting and wondered if we had to wear masks – some people did, some didn’t. Waiting for food, I perused the mad wall art and crazy junk shelves. Adding up the bill took ages. As they were short-staffed, I posited it was normally the job of an absentee.

Arriving at the health centre slightly early, there was no queue outside. But inside, a snaky red line led to a series of differently coloured stripes and thence to treatment rooms. We shared jokes with staff about it being like the game twister and nobody knowing if vaccines worked against new variants. Allowed in together, I had my booster first. The needle hard to get in my arm, the doctor remarked: “that was quite tough.” ‘Thanks’, I thought, ‘that’ll really hurt later!’ During the compulsory 15- minute sit in the waiting room, I noted the brand stamped on our cards. Affecting a booming film voice I declared: “Moderna Spikevax! That sounds like it could fight Omicron!” We left via the back door. I was bursting for a pee. “You can have a piddle in Lidl!” quipped Phil. We got a smattering of traditional Christmas fayre from the German supermarket, then considered going in TOFs but Phil felt weird and I was knackered. A longer wait for the bus back, we gazed up at late sunlight on the hills, skeins of geese flying past pink clouds and the rescue helicopter following the ridge – was someone lost on the pike? Back home, Phil had to go back out, leaving me to heft rucksacks to the kitchen. Collapsing on the sofa, I reviewed lists and decided we’d done quite well. Phil’s reaction to Spikevax even queerer, my arm ached as expected and I developed a headache and nausea. We cheered up eating the last of the Halloween drumsticks. I sucked mine into a pixie mushroom shape. “It’s impossible to be grown up eating a lolly.” “If everyone ate lollies, there’d be world peace.” Feeling progressively worse throughout the evening, at bedtime I took ibuprofen, shuffled the pillows to make a hollow for my painful arm and settled down for a mediocre night.

UKHSA identified another 9 cases of Omicron, making a total of 22 and tried to establish links with travel from South Africa. Leaked minutes from a sage meeting revealed fears of rising infections before the booster programme was fully implemented. Andrew Hayward advised going to Plan B rather than having to endure more severe measures later on. Goblin Saj urged festive partygoers to get an LTF before revelling. Deputy CE of NHS Providers Saffron Cordery said some organisations had asked staff ‘not to mix in big groups’. Daily Mirror reported there were 2 parties at Number 10 in the run-up to Christmas 2020 against lockdown rules. Quizzed at PMQs, Boris didn’t deny they took place but said no rules were broken. Keir spluttered: “Both of those things can’t be true, prime minister. He is taking the British public for fools.” Ian Blackford added: “How are people possibly expected to trust the PM when he thinks it’s one rule for him and one rule for everybody else.” Boris retorted he was “talking total nonsense”. LFTs no longer sufficient, holiday-makers heading to Spain now had to show vaccine passes.

Snog, Attend, Avoid

Both ailing on Thursday, I managed a few exercises, skipping ones that hurt my arm and took Echinacea, with no idea if it would do any good. Checking the NHS website for booster side-effects, ours were all normal apart from Phil’s mouth tasting of rusty nails. They suggested he might actually have covid. It soon became apparent he didn’t. I braved the cold to open the window and shake blankets out before changing sheets. I then worked on the laptop until I felt very ropey with a raised temperature. During a longer siesta than usual, I had a ½ hour with my eyes shut and struggled to rise. After dinner, the symptoms felt decidedly flu-like. Unable to keep my head up, I went to bed to watch a crap telly film.

At 53,945, UK daily cases were the highest for 4 months. 73,000 new infections in Germany, the unvaccinated were banned from public places such as non-essential shops. JVCI bod Prof Finn awaited approval from MHRA on jabs for 5-12 year olds. Dr. Albert Bourla of Pfizer said it was a good idea. Well, he would, wouldn’t he? On top of 35m extra doses of Pfizer, 60m Novavax and 7.5m GSK/Sanofi, government ordered another 114 m doses of Pfizer and Moderna in preparation for annual jabs during the next 2 years. Contracts allowed modification to tackle new mutants. 79% effective against serious illness, GSK’s anti-viral drug Sotrovimb was approved for use on the obese and diabetics over 60. Therese Coffee-cup advised against ‘snogging under the mistletoe’ and George Freeman suggested we keep Christmas parties small. Downing Street responded that wasn’t in the guidance. Anger mounted at reports Micron called Boris a clown and a knucklehead. They wouldn’t be snogging under the mistletoe, then! On Newscast, Sadiq Kahn defended the trad fir tree gift from Norway against complaints of scrawniness. He wouldn’t have ‘a word said against it’. Meanwhile, the Tesco Covid Pass Santa ad was deemed okay.

Phil still struggling Friday, my flu-like symptoms had gone apart from a snuffle. The jabbed arm less sore, I did exercise and went to the co-op. Gaps in the chiller sections persisted after the power cut but I found what we needed before Phil caught me up at the till to help with carrying. During lunch, I knocked a glassful of water all over the small coffee table and dug out a Christmas-themed lampshade cover to replace the one that got wet. While Phil cut his hair, I fruitlessly searched the internet for gifts.

After the BMA encouraged people to ‘avoid large groups’ and Prof Openshaw said he wouldn’t feel comfortable going to Christmas parties, labour cancelled theirs but tories didn’t. Oliver Dowdy advised: ‘keep calm and carry on’. So, you had to wear a mask travelling in a bus or taxi to a party, but you could snog a complete stranger under the mistletoe when you got there!

A South African study showed reinfection with Omicron was possible but weren’t sure if that was the case among a heavily-vaccinated population. CovBoost found that the body’s T cell immune response after a booster could offer good protection from hospitalisation and death although it wasn’t yet tested on Omicron. Moderna came out top. Obviously that Spikevax! Homes still without power a week after Storm Arwen, the army were sent to help households in North East Scotland and County Durham and Ofgem launched an urgent review into the response of power suppliers. From the metro news quiz, we learnt young female Afghan footballers rescued by Kim Kardashian, practiced at Elland Road. “I won’t have a word said against her now,” declared Phil. “Yes, she’s not completely useless!”

Dark, cold and wet with wintry showers Saturday, I stayed in, finished the Christmas card and sorted the spice cupboard. I combined duplicates, expunged mystery bits, and told Phil which to buy from the shop. Town deserted for once, he found no fresh stuff and got another duplicate dried condiment instead. The first taste of German gingerbread took me right back to childhood and I moronically crooned: “It’s beginning to taste a bit like Christmas.”

Sunday drier and brighter, I rose early and waited impatiently for Phil to wake. The geese had recently taken to wandering onto the street below to peck at moss and eye the lovely grass of the flat’s garden. Thwarted by the gate, there was lots of squawking. Phil seemed amazed when they went down the steps. “Why not?” I asked, “they’re not daleks.” “They are a bit like daleks.” “Yes, Exterminate! Exterminate!” I put recycling out, swore at neighbours parked right outside the door, and went to town. People stuffing food in their gobs made the farmer’s market resemble a food court, but then the whole town was like that most weekends. Not heaving, the knobbly veg stall-holders said it was at 9.00 a.m. Go figure! The Winter Art Fair also quiet, arty mates agreed the lack of punters was weird. In the Art Mill, I chatted to Photography Friend and her partner. Verging on adulthood, she’d reluctantly let her son to go to a party in Huddersfield. Phil came to join us and we perused an exhibition. He was quite taken by techniques used on the expensive monochrome photos. On the way home, beady-eyed jackdaws coveted a pie being eaten on a riverside bench, inspiring a haigaⁱ. While the corner pub was deserted, the pavements on the main road were oddly crammed. Twilight glowing orange through the living room window, Phil called it ‘lambent light’. A new one on me, it sounded like a clever photographer’s term. I blamed the posh exhibition.

86 new cases of Omicron in the UK, the 246 total were concentrated in London and Scotland where they were linked to a Steps concert. More travel restrictions required pre-departure tests for incoming travellers from Tuesday and Nigeria was added to the red list. They called it ‘travel apartheid’. The Observer depicted Omicron as a Death Star. Molnupiravir aka Lagevria, was approved for vulnerable people with severe symptoms to take at home.

On the Marr, South African scientist Willem Hanekom confirmed the mutant spread very fast, was now dominant, caused re-infection but milder illness, and mainly affected unvaccinated younger people. UK scientific adviser Mark Woolhouse said the travel rules were “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted’. Willem agreed it was a waste of time and damaging to the South African economy. The Pope went to Lesbos to meet migrants and criticise Europe for indifference to the suffering of desperate people.

*the catchily re-named Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 88 –Off The Rails

“This was the first test of ‘levelling up’ and the government has completely failed and let down everybody in the north” (Keir Starmer)

Hitting The Buffers

No way I could do anything Monday morning, I crawled back in bed. Frustrated at hitting the buffers again, I kept occupied posting blogs and writing, until the inevitable head fug set in. Phil’s crafty homemade bread looked hefty. Very tasty, it got eaten before becoming a Midsomer murders weapon! After dinner, we watched part of the World Cup qualifier. England slaughtered San Marino 10-0 in a ridiculous match. Why were the tiny team even in the running?

16-17 year olds to get a second dose, Goblin Saj said he’d take advice on boosters for the under 40’s. Boris repeated “storm clouds were gathering over Europe” and Oliver Dowdy said it was up to us to prevent a lockdown Christmas. But festive dinners were back on the menu as thousands of foreign workers were recruited. Only half the available visas taken up before the deadline, it was judged enough to kill turkeys. Labour called for publication of papers on Owen Paterson’s advocacy for Randox and details of government contracts awarded. They also planned to investigate time spent on second jobs and force a vote to ban MPs from paid consultancies or directorships. Boris later copied them. Keir hailed it as a victory. A PM spokesman called Belarus forcing a migrant crisis and trying to undermine the EU ‘abhorrent’ and vowed to hold the Lukashenko regime accountable. After a taxi exploded outside Liverpool women’s hospital Sunday, cobra raised the terror threat level to severe. The passenger asked to be driven to the hospital just before 11 a.m., when remembrance services took place. Later named as Emad Al Swealmeen, he blew himself up. Driver David Perry escaped uninjured. Anti-terror officers questioned 4 people and conducted forensic searches. It emerged the bomb contained ball bearings which could have inflicted serious injury.

I slept deeply well into Tuesday morning until roused by Phil. “Is it late?” “Yes. Shall I open the budgie curtains?” “No, I can do it. You shouldn’t really wake me when I’m ill. “Sorry; just making sure you’re alright.” Less fatigued but sneezy, I worked on the journal all morning. While Phil went to the co-op, I took washing out the of machine, struggled taking the basket upstairs and collapsed on the bed to read the nature trail booklet I got in the charity shop last week, when the phone rang. A very nice Dr. Jekyll arranged for a self-test kit to be left at the surgery reception for me. Quiet time wasn’t quiet at all as the chainsaws predictably started up at dusk. It was also a struggle to sleep at night-time.

ONS reported 995 deaths w/e 5^th November, the highest since w/e 12^th March. Jeremy Vine said 94% of Singaporeans were vaccinated and estimated 5 million refuseniks in the UK. Where did he get that from? The Tesco Christmas ad garnered 3,000 complaints as Santa brandished a Covid Pass. Politico revealed 47 companies got PPE contracts via the ‘VIP lane’ as recommendations from ministers and top civil servants were seen as ‘more credible’. Russia blew up a satellite, ISS astronauts had to shelter and the USA said they were weaponising space. Unemployment down to 4.3%, employment and vacancies were up. How come? Were they made up jobs? The Nord Stream 2 Pipeline was held up by a need to be registered as a German company. Recalling Phil’s experience of trying to navigate their complicated system, I exclaimed: “Mein got! Good luck with that!” Phil chuckled: “You must go to the post office in Stuttgart…”

The Great Train Robbery

Forced up after hardly any sleep Wednesday, I felt really crap. Phil half asleep, I fetched brekkie from a freezing kitchen, got back in bed, wrote ‘Autumn Medley’ for Cool Placesⁱ and watched PMQs.

The tory MPs who bothered to turn up, appeared in masks. Keir asked had Boris broken his promise on Crossrail for the North? Boris replied: ‘wait and see’, as the IRP* signalled ‘the biggest programme of investment in rail for a century’ and levelling up across the UK. Turning to another broken promise, Keir asked the PM to confirm scrapping the eastern leg of HS2. Boris blathered that northern people would benefit massively. Keir noted he’d still not said yes. Going onto Owen Paterson, he advised the PM to do the decent thing and say sorry for giving the green light to corruption. Boris reiterated the need for a cross-party approach to ensure nobody exploited their position and asked Kier how he earned money from law firm Mishcon de Reya before becoming leader. Lindsay Hoyle admonished, it was for him to answer, not ask questions. Keir called him “a coward, not a leader.” Spending weeks defending sleaze, “waving one white flag won’t be enough to restore trust.” (he subsequently retracted ‘coward’ as unparliamentary language). Boris went on about working together, addressing the appeals process and accused Keir of trying to prosecute others for actions he’d taken himself. Hoyle waded in again: “We play by the rules, don’t we?” and Keir added: “Upholding standards didn’t last long…when someone in my party breaks the rules, I kick them out. He tries to get them off the hook.” A full independent investigation was the only way to get to the bottom of how Paterson helped Randox get £600 million in contracts. Boris later told the commons liaison committee it was a mistake to try to save Paterson and suggested he was misled by colleagues.

Unable to get to shops, I placed an Ocado order, adding some Christmas stuff, and bought a couple of things from evil Amazon. The café owner texted asking Phil to take his pictures down. “Maybe you’re not the best artist in town after all!” I jibed. Actually, it was to make space for tinsel. He also received an invite for a booster. Where was mine? Had it failed to come because my phone was updating all day? I looked on the NHS central system but the local health centre not an option, I left it.

Due to energy, fuel, food and hospitality costs, inflation reached 2% in October, twice the BOE target and the highest in a decade. Lidl to increase wages by 6% from March, they’d be the best-paying supermarket. BBC news went to Belfast where Lord Frosty Gammon was after an agreement to alter the protocol. If that wasn’t possible, he’d use article 16 to suspend the parts he didn’t like. Acknowledging difficulties, the EU had already come up with a ‘reasonable package’ but Frosty wanted more radical change. Nasty Patel said a ‘dysfunctional asylum system’ allowed the likes of Al Swealmeen to remain and carry out terror attacks. That’s your fault! As Thangam Debonnaire pointed out, tories had been in charge for 11 years!

Still crap Thursday, I became exhausted after bathing, changing sheets and fetching coffee and dossed in bed before working on the takeover blog for The Researcher. It looked better than I remembered since leaving it when overtaken by life events last month. Phi went to the co-op and noticed the front door had been washed. From the landing window I saw the window cleaner’s van and advised Phil to be ready for the knock. He went to the kitchen but sure enough, the window cleaner rapped on the door. I shouted down, to be answered by the window cleaner. Eventually Phil heard me, paid and went back to making lunch. Getting afternoon coffee, I noted Phil had scrubbed the washing up bowl to blinding effect.

Saj promised the NHS Federation they’d get what they needed. The Environment Agency were investigating 2,000 sewage treatment works with findings possibly leading to prosecution and fines. Shats announced the IRP aka The Great Train Robbery. As expected, he scrapped HS2 to Leeds and Northern Powerhouse Rail (NPR). Instead, there’d be £96bn to upgrade the East Coast mainline and improve existing track (£42bn of which was already committed to HS2 between London and Birmingham). Tracy Brabin at Leeds station said it wasn’t what was promised. Anger from the Northern Research Group and in the commons, Keir said Boris had ripped up promises and failed the north: “You can’t believe a word the PM says.” Idiotically dressed up in orange at a Network Rail logistics hub near Selby, Boris retorted that was ‘total rubbish’: “Those extra high-speed lines take decades, and they don’t deliver the commuter benefits…we will eventually do them.” Money for Leeds super-tram was confirmed and Khan asked for another £1.9 bn for TfL.

On Question Time, Stephen Flynn, SNP labelled the debacle just another broken promise to add to a long list: ‘just look at the record’. Tory Mims Davies insisted they’d been honest. Stella Creasey guffawed, her own backbenchers were red-faced with shame. Creasey criticised Nasty Patel’s’ divisive immigration language and said we didn’t know if those arriving on boats were ‘illegal’. As 125,000 asylum-seekers awaited decisions, they always looked for someone else to blame. Mims asked Steve why Scotland didn’t take refugees. He snapped back, because they didn’t get any money to pay for it, adding the swell of refugees was our fault for warring in the Middle East and we had a duty to look after them. Discussing MPs second jobs, lawyer Nazi Afzal suggested they pick fruit and stack shelves. Good idea! I’d add clean toilets! A brainless Canadian psychologist said only 3% of the population were psychopathic and being corrupt was counter-productive. An audience member shouted: “why are the 3% in charge then?” creating much mirth.

Laura K interviewed Irish PM Micheal Martin for Newscast. He blamed all the problems on Brexit. The agreement signed in good faith, there weren’t ‘an abundance of checks’ at the border and the EU sincerely wanted to engage and get a solution; possible with goodwill on both sides. Previously saying it’d be ‘reckless’ to trigger article 16, he was encouraged by dialogue between Frosty and Maros Sefcovic and diplomatically pleaded: ‘don’t make it another nightmare Christmas!’

Backtracking

Very bright early Friday morning, I peeped through the curtains to view a bright dawn with blue sky and arty clouds, but the sun didn’t last long. Feeling slightly better but still fatigued, it took a while to come round. I worked on blogs and spotted a message saying the amazon package would arrive later. I told Phil not to answer the door. “Why? Is it a nutter?” It came when he was at the co-op, disturbing my quiet time. I stuck a hoodie to stand at the bottom of the stairs while a young man handed me the parcel. I faffed with packaging, hid the contents, lay back down again, then Phil returned, rousing me again. In the evening, we drank wine moderately, watched films and the first episode of the big new Prime release. We spent the first half hour of Wheel of Time laughing at hammy acting but it was suitable viewing after a few glasses.

Keir came on BBC Breakfast to complain the betrayal of the north proved ‘levelling up’ was just words. Re-announcing NPR 60 times, everything was a mess under this government. Holyrood was to crack down on mask-wearing while a plethora of measures continued to be implemented across Europe. Over 65,000 covid cases reported in a day, Germany banned communal working for those without antibodies and Belgians had to work at home 4 days a week. Upper Austria and Salzburg imposed lockdowns, followed Monday by the whole country for 20 days. Vaccinations would be compulsory from February. Chancellor Schallenberg called it ‘very painful’. Doctors welcomed the move. A demo against proposed mandatory vaccines and a ban on New Year fireworks turned into a riot in Rotterdam. Protestors threw rocks and fireworks and set cop cars on fire. Seven were injured including at least 2 shot by police. The Czechia and Slovakia locked down the unvaccinated. National news asked: was the UK on a different track? 1:65 infected, the trend was down on the previous week. Lukashenko admitted troops were helping migrants to the Polish border and refused to stop the flow. He didn’t give a shit! New culture sec Nads Doris said social media was hijacked by left-wing snowflakes.

I’d hoped to be better by the weekend but alas, I not much. After a mediocre night, I failed to lie in Saturday. Really bright again, the first frost of the season amplified brilliant sunlight. I went down for brekkie then returned to bed and worked on the laptop until head fug set in.

Breakfast a palaver Sunday, I got stressed, and a series of niggles led to harsh words and foul moods. When Phil asked if I wanted to go for a walk, I yelled “I’m not well!” and stomped off back to bed. Upset and fed up still being stuck indoors, I wanted to simultaneously cry and scream but forced myself to write. He came to make amends, apologised for rowing and managed to make me laugh. He then stood at the foot of the bed in distracting fashion. I told him to go out. I read the winter issue of Valley Life Magazine, took photos through the window of yellow trees across the valley, wrote a haiga using a photo of a late hawkweedⁱⁱ, and worked on the Christmas card. Bad feelings gradually waned but I was still depressed. Phil went in search of inspiration and came back with bargain mincemeat. The town centre was rammed of course, as I’d guessed from parked cars snaking up the road opposite. Loads of Christmas markets cancelled, I joked: “That’s because they’re all here!” Phil agreed: “It’s already like one out there!”

Boris caught mask-less on trains again, Mick Lynch of RMT said he sent ‘all the wrong signals’. Riots in Brussels, Vienna and across Holland led to injuries, 3 bullet wounds and 51 arrests in Rotterdam. WHO worried about the situation in Europe. Prof Pollard told Marr it was unlikely we’d see the same sharp rise as UK rates had been climbing since summer and boosters would reduce transmission. But as people in poorer countries still weren’t vaccinated, it remained a ‘major global public health problem’. Goblin Saj spouted a load of numbers, including claims protection increased from 50-90% with boosters; the key to us not going the way of Europe. Extended to 40-49 year olds in the coming week, I still didn’t have my invite. Maros Sefcovic said the EU was trying to help curb spiralling infections by encouraging vaccine take-up and thought hesitancy was caused by problems at the start of year, followed by a better picture in summer, leading to a sense of complacency. On Brexit, he felt some progress was made but not on process. While implying urgency, Lord Frosty made no counter-proposals to the ones from the EU in June.

Tesla drivers were locked out of their own cars and as the wheels came off Manchester United, Phil laughed at yet another heavy defeat. A sacked Ole Gunnar Solskjaer gave the ‘we’ve let ourselves down’ speech.

* IRP – Integrated Rail Plan

Reference:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 79 – Something in the Air

“…inflation has reached its highest level in a decade. For ordinary workers and families, prices are going up at the very moment when they can least afford it. (they) need more than just a winter plan for covid; they need a winter action plan to fight a Tory poverty pandemic that is only going to get worse” (Ian Blackford)

Gas and Air

The next two weeks, summer continued. Monday 6^th, I cheered up after a bad night with a laugh at Max Gammon and Ickle Owen Jones arguing on Jeremy Vine. Phil said they made a great couple! After the usual chores and blog-posting, I tried printing info for our upcoming trip, forgetting the PC still wasn’t connected to the new router. Becoming bad-tempered at the prolonged task, I went outside for fresh air and found a ginormous slug lurking beneath dead crocosmia in the garden. Young Student told me because they ate rat poison, slugs were fatal if eaten. “That sounds like an urban myth.” “No. A boy in Australia…” “Everything kills you in Australia!” “True,” she conceded. Disturbed by boisterousness on the street below at bedtime, I shouted “shut up!” through the bathroom window. They ignored me.

Most measures lifted for the start of term, schoolkids were meant to take LFT tests, a PCR if they had contact with infected persons, and isolate if positive. A decision on jabbing 12-15 year olds expected later that week, sage bod Peter Openshaw said they needed to ‘become immune’. In parliament, Goblin Saj announced an extra £5.4bn for the NHS. Boris pledged continuing efforts to rescue people from Afghanistan where the Taliban took Panjshir Valley, used tear gas on demonstrators and shot dead a pregnant cop. Women in Mazar-e-Sharif held a demo demanding a place in government. The Taliban effectively held four planes hostage at the city’s airport. Blair warned the Islamist threat was coming for us, requiring both hard and soft power to fight it. 1,000 migrants arrived in dinghies making the total 12,000 so far for 2021. Big Ben’s unveiling revealed numerals in original blue and George flags. The Welsh and Scots weren’t happy.

Interrupted by canal works Tuesday, I rose grumpily. Phil went out for last-minute gifts and groceries to find he was the only mask-wearer in the co-op. I painted the metal frames of the garden benches. The hammarite went on smoothly but worried I wouldn’t have enough turps, Phil bought some from the hardware shop before going back to the co-op to swap the decaff coffee he’d got by mistake. Decorating neighbour griped about the mill conversion blocking the road and Elderly Neighbour griped about everything. At least she had her partner, unlike my mum. I promised him a creole Christmas cake recipe. Surprised to already see new neighbours on the other side of the street, we joked with them that they didn’t hang around. Although we skipped siestas, we managed to stay awake to toast my birthday at midnight.

A Newcastle University study found 17% more deaths and 41 days more lockdown in the north of England during the first year of the pandemic. Denying plans for a firebreak in October half-term, ministers said there were ‘last resort’ contingencies. Nads Zahawi told BBC Breakfast we were now in a better place due to vaccines . Boosters for winter and later years were under consideration: “(to transition) the virus from pandemic to endemic status and deal with it year in, year out.” Announcing the anticipated hike in National Insurance, Boris admitted he broke a manifesto pledge but as “a global pandemic was in no-one’s manifesto,” was necessary. The extra 1.25% would be paid by all working adults, including OAPs, and raise £36 billion over 3 years to fund the NHS backlog and adult social care. There’d be a £86,000 cap on lifetime care costs and fully-funded care for those with assets of less than £20,000. Critics saw it as benefiting rich southerners and a tax rise on the young. Keir said: “The tories can never again claim to be the party of low tax.” Ex-health minister Cock claimed social care funding reform was “put in the ‘too difficult’ box.” by two successive governments. What a cock! A 1.25% rise in dividend tax wouldn’t apply until 2022-23, according to Therese Coffee-cup, so pensioners wouldn’t unfairly benefit from an ‘irregular statistical spike in earnings’. The Taliban interim government consisted of Mo Hassan Akhund as leader, Abdul Ghani Baradar as deputy and most-wanted Sirajuddin Haqqani as interior minister. Foot-soldiers arrested journalists and mindlessly fired into the air to disperse protestors outside the Pakistani embassy.

Fizzing and Floating

Aiming to sleep in after the late drink, I was again woken by canal works Wednesday. I rallied to enjoy a lovely birthday beginning with my favourite breakfast, reading cards and messages and opening gifts from Phil. We assembled goodies and caught a bus ‘up tops’. Detoured due to a road closure in the hilltop village, we wondered if it was roadworks or filming for the TV drama? Alighting after the next hamlet, we walked up to the farm shop for pop and proceeded down through the next village. The ‘no food’ sign on the pub-cum-campsite seemed daft with a captive audience. Maybe there were staffing issues. On the bridleway, floating willowherb fluff and the aniseed scent of angelica assailed our senses. Down in the clough, kids and dogs commandeered a favoured picnic spot. We ate our lunch on a nearby flat rock before proceeding, waylaid by a variety of fungi crazily sprouting from rotting trees, earth and wooden steps. Finding weird fuzzy mould on our fresh shop-bought mushrooms later in the week, Phil guessed they were infested with all the spores floating about. The main road blisteringly hot, I struggled on the last stretch. Unsurprisingly, it was officially the hottest September day ever. (For a fuller description, see Cool Placesⁱ).

Back home, I declared: “I’m dying for the loo.” “so am I.” “I’m too hot.” “so am I.” “I’m putting a dress on.” “So am I.” “Well, you could wear your sarong. But we’re going to the Thai place so they might think you’re taking the piss!” After changing, I lay on the bed in a stupor then got cleaned up for coffee and eclairs. I dithered over make-up when Walking Friend came knocking. She gave me a bottle of prosecco (that made 3 bottles of fizz), and awaited us outside.

Town pubs infested, I was grateful of spacious seating outside the restaurant for early bird dinners, accompanied by more fizzy prosecco at Walking Friend’s insistence. Saturn floated in the gloaming as did clouds of midges, having a feast in the canal-side air. Walking Friend insisted on paying the whole bill and wanting to buy her a drink in return, Phil led us to the corner pub. Still busy, I felt press-ganged but at least there was a free corner table. We talked about her new obsession with Wish. Feeling flush for the first time ever, she loved parcels dropping through the letterbox: “it’s like Christmas every day.” She then gave me a pouch of baccy. Overcome with her generosity, I pleaded: “if you don’t stop giving me things, I’ll cry! As she took her leave, we spotted Australian Hippy. Resembling a Zoolander character floating on rollerblades, he was making big money selling opals. Assailed by itchy bites (in spite of repellent) and sweaty hot flushes, I woke several times during the night. But it had been a wonderful day. In more affluent times I’d insist on going away for birthdays. Why bother when you can have it all in Yorkshire? (insect bites included!)

In a packed commons, labour MPs mostly wore masks, tories didn’t. The government defended the National Insurance increase before voting. Ironically, labour voted against but it passed anyway. After mistaking Rashford for a rugby player, it was intimated The Salesman was on the way out (correctly, as it turned out). Nasty Patel met Gerald Darmanin and suggested the bribe could be withheld if the French didn’t intercept more migrant crossings. He attacked reports of her sanctioning push-backs of boats to the continent, said they wouldn’t accept any measures that broke maritime law, and would not be subjected to blackmail. The manoeuvres were widely condemned as dangerous and against UN treaties.

Overnight rain led to a grey and humid Thursday, the heavy air presaging storms. I gave up on fractious sleep as engineering works recommenced, forced myself to clean the bedroom, became overheated and bathed. Feeling overwhelmed with only 4 days until our trip, I concentrated on doing one thing at a time. I texted Walking Friend to say thanks for the birthday night out, posted a photo from the walk to say thanks for birthday wishes and worked on the computer. In the afternoon, I went to the co-op, finding the cash machine not working and gaps on shelves. On the way back, I waited while Young Mum and Toddler descended the steps as he cutely counted them. I just got in when a rumble of thunder signalled a heavy shower. Having to clear a full kitchen sink before sorting the shopping, I had a slight fit and exhaustedly collapsed on the sofa. Phil asked what was up. I kept schtum but he swung into action, washed up and sorted laundry. Unable to focus my eyes, I lay down but failed to rest. Thankfully, I had a better night.

MHRA approved Pfizer and Astra-Zeneca for boosters, still awaiting JCVI advice. The government launched a 6-week consultation on mandatory vaccines for more frontline health and social care workers. As coffee-cuppers returned to offices, Costa Packet announced a 5% pay rise and 2,000 new jobs. Crush-hour prompted criticism of bare-faced commuters on tubes. The ‘condition of travel’ not legally enforceable, London mayor Khan wanted a government review on mask-wearing to be brought forward from October. Anti-mask posters housed razor blades to prevent them being taken down. Brexit import controls delayed again, until July 2022 because of covid and supply chain issues, and tighter rules on Northern Ireland trade delayed indefinitely to allow for further talks, Geoffrey Donaldson threatened the DUP would seek to block additional border checks under the protocol and leave Stormont if they failed. Sinn Fein leader Mary Lou McDonald called his comments ‘irresponsible’.

Another night of rain could have explained the lack of canal noise Friday morning. I ironed a few items and selected clothes to pack, spending ages failing to find anything to go with the new £1 skirt. After wasting half an hour, I picked out a dress instead. In the evening, we drank more prosecco and posh chocolates while watching films.

Holyrood made vaccines mandatory to access nightclubs and other venues from 1^st October. The next day, ONS stats showed 1:45 Scots were infected. The highest rate in the UK by some margin, Sturgeon said the Covid Pass wasn’t a magic bullet but may mean not having to use other measures. A lack of guidance prompted some wag to say clubs had longer cocktail lists. The Food and Drink Federation predicted shortages were here to stay but Downing Street insisted the supply chain was ‘highly resilient’. Look North reported a shortage of abattoir butchers. Saying it was cruel, surely it was good for the pigs. Gordon Ramsay restaurants lost £5.1m profit during lockdowns and KPMG set a target of 29% of their workforce to come from working class backgrounds.

We spent a changeable weekend mainly indoors. Saturday, Phil trimmed my fringe which seemed to have grown unevenly into my eyes. I then packed and rang the holiday cottage owner for a nice chat about the internet and War of the Roses, wrote a haigaⁱⁱ, put some recycling out and went to the co-op for cash and a small top-up, impeded by gangs of teenagers hanging about. At bedtime, I unusually fell asleep with the light still on. Waking at 8 the next morning I, almost got up, realised it was Sunday and slept another hour. I was annoyed by bowls floating in a scummy kitchen sink but as Phil struggled with tummy ache, I let it lie. He finished his packing while I draft-posted blogs.

Andrew Marr harked back to Jon Ashworth’s previous statement that opening up on 19^th July was ‘reckless’. Jon replied it depended on your definition of ‘reckless’: the virus was still circulating and 8,000 were in hospital. He said abuse of powers under Coronavirus Laws needed looking into but Goblin Saj maintained it was important to keep the powers to ensure the infected self-isolated. Days after they became law in Scotland and other ministers said they were a good idea, he confirmed the planned introduction of Covid Passes at the end of the month wouldn’t happen in England.

Breath-Taking

Sleeping through the gentle wave sounds of the DAB alarm for several minutes Monday morning, I panicked slightly, worked through a list of jobs and packed lunch while Phil cooked a filling breakfast. Taking recycling out, a cavalcade of neighbours attempted to drive down the street, blocked by the mill development. Fortunately, this didn’t impede our walk to the station. The journey was trouble-free but slow. Too crowded to contemplate having a coffee, we spent an hour’s wait at Preston eating butties, and going out for a smoke. During a tedious 15 minutes stood at Lancaster, a hoard of school kids packed the connecting train. Thinning out for the last stretch, we relaxed to enjoy the coastal scenery. I recalled a ramp from the platform at Grange down to the prom but mis-remembered the exit to the town centre and overshot the tunnel. As we turned down a small cul-de-sac, I recognised the cottage from the bin outside. Inside, a balcony and picture window provided breath-taking views of Morecambe Bay. After unpacking and cuppas on the balcony, we went in search of supplies. The local co-op terrible, we settled on pizza and visited Spar for a few items. After one glass of wine, I felt sleepy and switched to coffee. Big mistake. As if coping with a cluttered mind and a strange bed wasn’t bad enough, the late caffeine hit did nothing to aid sleep.

Chief Medical Officers recommended 12-15 year olds were administered a dose of Pfizer in schools with parental consent, to prevent disruption. But 800,000 doses of Astra-Zeneca would expire by the end of September due to reduced take-up. French M&S stores were shutting amid Brexit butty hold-ups while Pret profits went up 15% in a week. Half of office workers wished to stay home Mondays and Fridays, prompting the acronym TW*ATS. Goldman Sachs urged them back fulltime with no social distancing and Morrisons announced no sick pay for unvaccinated staff who had to self-isolate.

Eventually coming round Tuesday, we bought excellent pies from Higginson’s (Phil’s favourite shop) and caught a bus to Cartmel, baulking at the £4 each to go two miles! In the village, we marvelled at wild-growing hops, laughed at craft brewing, chi-chi antiques and the so-called ‘village shop’ that didn’t even sell pop, visited the historic priory and used racecourse facilities. A Guardian family learning to segue provided entertainment as we munched on a mighty cheese pasty at a picnic bench. We started walking back to Grange on the delightfully-named Haggs Lane. Hedgerow blackberries exceedingly sweet, we braved fast cars on the dangerously narrow, twisting lane to pick a pound. On Grange Fell Road, Phil pointed to a graveyard. “That’s where dead people go.” I indicated a golf course opposite: “That’s’ where nearly dead people go!” The walk harder than anticipated, I was glad we’d got the bus up even with the gouging fares. We got cola from Spar and found the tunnel we’d missed Monday evening. The sun emerged from grey clouds as we perched on a prom wall. Despite signs of overheating, Phil wanted to continue to the lido, then suggested dumping bags. We back-tracked to the cottage where we also ditched layers. From excessively detailed info of the renovation, we gleaned the lido wouldn’t be a wreck for long. Nearby plaques depicted landmarks across the bay: the metropolis of Morecambe (the proposed site of Eden Project North), Heysham nuclear power plant and. Blackpool Tower. 31 miles away, Phil claimed you could see it from space.

After Calum Semple warned of ‘a rough winter’ Boris’ unveiled his ‘winter covid plan’. ‘Sticking with the strategy’ meant relying on vaccines: boosters for the over 50’s and carers of Pfizer or ½ dose of Moderna, started Thursday. If other measures were needed, there was a Plan A (jab campaigns, meeting outside, wearing masks, washing hands, using the TIT app and helping other countries get vaccines) and a Plan B (Covid Passes, mandatory masks, working from home). Anti-lockdown MP Steve Baker whinged: “The public health powers are still there, allowing (Javid) to lock us down at the stroke of his pen without prior votes.”

In spite of better sleep, I felt rough on a super-bright Wednesday, rallied over a cuppa to go on a short train ride. No staff in the station office, the ticket machine inexplicably wouldn’t accept our railcard. It was still cheaper than the bus, though! In Arnside, we walked up the beautiful estuary towards a disused station marked on a weird map we found in the cottage. Coming to a hamlet, we decided it must be Sandside and took photos of each other to prove we’d been. On the way back, we couldn’t resist a ‘flash forage’ for more blackberries in spite of bursting for a wee. Village cafés all shut, we went in the pub where they absurdly only accepted the exact money in cash. Even with my caution, I couldn’t fathom how that prevented the spread of covid. From the elevated beer garden, I espied an ideal grassy picnic spot. After eating, Phil threw pie crumbs to a cute jackdaw, which set small gulls into a frenzy. Far from aggressive, they affected endearing begging poses. We explored the sands, carefully avoiding dangerous squidgy bits, marvelled at wispy angel-like clouds floating above Kents Viaduct, went on the tiny pier then needed the loo again. “I’m not having more beer; it’s an endless cycle.” Phil spotted public conveniences – accepting the 40p charge in contactless form only! Railing at yet more gouging, we gave the locals something to talk about by going in together. Back in Grange, we explored the lower end of Main Street, found nothing useful and ended up back at the crap co-op and Spar. Hot, tired and achy, I lay on the bed and closed my eyes when Phil entered the bedroom. Annoyed, I gave up resting and revived later with a fluffy bath, thanks to free radox.

As predicted, The Salesman was sacked in the Cabinet re-shuffle as was Rabid Raab. The contract for the not-yet MHRA approved Valneva vaccine was cancelled. Scottish health minister Humza Yousaf called it ‘a blow’ to Livingstone. Research found 1/3 of arrivals into the UK March-May broke quarantine rules. Fuel and food costs led to a CPI rise of 3.2% August, the most for 10 years, which didn’t escape the notice of Ian Blackford. Putin’s entourage caught covid, putting him in isolation. Only 56% of Greeks immunised, it was hoped mandatory weekly testing of workers would encourage uptake.. The Taliban gave 3-day eviction notices to thousands in order to house their own fighters in Kandahar’s army residential district. The UN said their response to protests was ’increasingly violent’ which didn’t stop them from happening.

A better start Thursday, we strolled to the station and had no trouble using our railcard at the booking office. Riding the train the other way, we got different coastal views and a chuckle from ‘Cack-in-Caramel’ “It sounds like something from a fancy restaurant!” We visited Ulverston market and walked down the smallest canal, alive with plant and animal life. At Canal Foot, we again had to buy drinks to use facilities. Supping IPA overlooking the estuary, I fretted that it took 2 hours to get there and feared we’d miss the last pre-rush hour train. However, we were back in town in 30 minutes. My ankle didn’t’ hurt even though I’d forgotten a bandage that day, but blisters on our soles made us both footsore. Twilight above the bay resplendent with a stripey sunset and silvery waxing moon, I mentioned we hadn’t gone out in the evenings as expected. “What for?” asked Phil, “we wouldn’t get better views anywhere else.”

Vaccines mandatory to work in NHS and care jobs in 12 weeks’ time, today marked the deadline for a first jab. Metro reported staff could self-certify medical exemption. Hospitals in Scotland and Northern Ireland over-stretched not because of covid but staff shortages, the army was drafted in to help.

Life’s A Gas

Friday morning, the phone alarm succeeded in waking me to a yellow sunrise. The colours different every hour of every day, I would miss those expansive views. Things got fraught preparing to leave the cottage when I realised we hadn’t emptied the bins and only just managed it before the agreed check-out time. We trundled our cases through the ornamental gardens, sat on a bench, checked connections and decided to get the next train straight home rather than stop at Carnforth as planned. We took final photos of the bay (because we didn’t already have hundreds!) and surreptitiously sniggered at a trio of boring men with guitars chatting shit before the slightly delayed train arrived. We sat on folding seats in the busy carriage, which became packed at Lancaster. During a shorter wait at Preston, a schizophrenic gibbered at Phil and called me ‘a ginger Mysteron’. Where was his tinfoil hat! We fought our way over busy platforms and stood near the doors on another crowded service. At the next stop, a kind young woman indicated two free adjacent seats. We wedged cases in the footwell and I played games on my phone to block out the hubbub of mask-less fellow passengers. (More details to follow on Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ).

Back in our valley, we wandered through an eerily quiet park, devoid of kids. After eating lunch with a proper pot of tea, I felt exhausted. Phil advised I rest and he’d go shopping. Unable to sleep, I lay listening for his return, heard nothing and went down to find him slumped on the sofa. He tetchily complained of having to go to the co-op and the convenience store, the former “like Russia, with things moved round to make gaps on shelves look less worse.” Popping out for a few items the next day, I had no trouble finding them, apart from tonic, and saw no sign of re-arranged stock. The Co-op boss later said prices would go up because of HGV, shipping and ‘global commodity’ hikes but that didn’t fully explain the randomness. The rest of the weekend was taken up unpacking, laundering, writing and photo-editing (nowhere near finished) I realised several details from the dream in July had come true, albeit in a jumbled way (see Part 72).

According to ONS, mask use dropped from 98 to 89%. What rot! No way were 89% of passengers wearing masks on trains coming home! And if 90% of us had anti-bodies, why the booster campaign? After Minister Robert Courts said the DfT would reduce covid test costs for travel, the traffic lights changed. Discussed at the Cabinet Covid Sub-committee, Shatts announced it in a series of tweets. From 22^nd September, 8 countries would come off the red list and the amber list would be scrapped 4^th October. The inoculated didn’t need pre-departure tests and PCR tests 2 days after arrival would be replaced with an LFT later on. Soaring wholesale gas prices forced plants to shut and led to a CO2 shortage. Headlines proclaimed it hit meat, packaging and fizzy drinks (as evinced by no tonic in the co-op for weeks). Then people started to realise it affected everything including apples. In the face of shortages of plastic crap and pigs-in-blanket, The Glove-Puppet was co-opted as Elf Minister ‘to save Christmas’* The Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma exploded, destroying 20 homes in Puerto Naus. 6,000 fled as molten lava flowed towards the ocean and acid rain and toxic gasses spewed into the air.

*National Economic Recovery Task Force, aka Committee to Save Christmas

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 53 – What A Waste

“(The PAC report) underlies the epic amounts of waste and incompetence…” (Rachel Reeves)

A Waste of Resources

On top of the tiring weekend, being woken very early by pile drivers on the waste-ground for the second Monday running didn’t help. 5 days of severe fatigue ensued. I stayed in bed and worked on the laptop while Phil shopped for essentials. The only reports to mark International Women’s Day I saw concerned modified traffic lights in London and new blue plaques in Bradford. To mark the first step on the exit roadmap, I wanted to contact my walking friend for ’coffee on a bench’ but wasn’t up to it. Children’s minister Vicky Ford gave mixed messages on whether or not it was mandatory for returning school pupils to wear masks and get PCR tests if rapid ones proved positive. Even as an anti-royalist, I found assertions made in the Oprah Winfrey ‘Megxit interview’ shocking, true or not. Extensive media coverage encompassed fears it would harm the UK’s reputation. More than cutting aid to Yemen? Polls suggested a nation divided, the queen issued a short statement and Piers Morgan melodramatically resigned from morning telly. Cutting off her family after snaring a prince, The Meg’s dad said she could see him whenever she liked. Half-sister Sam claimed she had narcissistic personality disorder and Harry suffered from Stockholm Syndrome – good call! Interestingly, amid alleged questions about the skin colour of their offspring, no one mentioned Harry’s former racist behaviour (e.g., wearing a Nazi uniform), or that he resembled James Hewitt with his ginger hair. Was it time for a DNA test?

Letters inviting us to have vaccines arrived. Logging onto the NHS booking site on Tuesday, the most accessible hub appeared to be Bradford. Avoiding weekend train travel, our first jabs would be in a couple of weeks. Phil complained it was ages away. Annoyed there were no centres in our borough, our GP practice sent text invites the following week for places nearer home. Taking up the offer, it seemed ludicrous this wasn’t done concurrently. What a waste of resources!

Nightingale hospitals were to shut, except in London and Sunderland where they would offer vaccines. A local councillor called for an enquiry into why the Harrogate site had never been used. Valance and Witless went to the S&T committee to warn of ‘significant risks’ at each step out of lockdown and a possible surge from late summer onwards. They urged the government not to ‘concertina’ the 5-week intervals. “All the modelling suggests there is going to be a further surge and that will find the people who either have not been vaccinated or where the vaccine has not worked … things can turn bad if you don’t keep a very, very close eye on it.” Pieces of the meteorite landed on a drive in Wincham, Gloucestershire. The 1.46bn year old carbonaceous chondrite was taken to the natural history museum and locals asked to keep their eyes peeled for more.

I stayed in bed Wednesday, worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Phil gone awhile on errands, he’d also had a run and came across a photography friend in our age group. Although sceptical, she was booked in for inoculation. Earplugs only partially dampened the sound of the continuous canal works at siesta time, but I had a few decent night-time sleeps mid-week. Latest tests found the Pfizer vaccine effective against the Brazilian P1 strain. NHS CE Simon Stevens confirmed to the health and social care committee that the 2019 budget included a 2.1% NHS pay rise. At PMQs, Keir queried the ’real terms’ pay cut when there were 40,000 nursing and 10,000 doctor vacancies, to be answered with a claim that Keir voted against the NHS funding act 2020, which was impossible as there was no vote. Boris failed to correct the record thus breaking the ministerial code and should have resigned.

Newsnight recalled Boris misleading parliament 3 weeks running, most significantly regarding wasteful crony PPE contracts. In an indirect dig at the EU, The Bumbler said he was “proud to support COVAX”, the UK hadn’t blocked exports and he opposed ‘vaccine nationalism’. He also backed Matt Cock who said TIT did an ‘amazing job’. This in turn was a response to the public accounts committee (PAC) finding that TIT made no ‘measurable difference’ to the spread of the pandemic. They called for justification of the ‘staggering investment’ and said released data demonstrated compliance was low, didn’t clearly show the time lag between ‘cough and contact’ or the ‘overall effectiveness of the programme’. They also found it ‘overly reliant’ on pricey consultants, contractors and temps. Shadow Minister Reeves said: “(the report) underlies the epic amounts of waste and incompetence…cash splashed on crony contracts, all while ministers insist our NHS heroes deserve nothing more than a clap and a pay cut.”

Pascale Robinson of We Own It appeared on Sky News, saying TIT failings resembled ‘groundhog day’ and it was time to ‘kick out’ private companies running a wasteful parallel system with no experience and put the money into scaling up local health teams, for whom this type of work was ‘bread and butter’. They also wanted lighthouse labs to be integrated within the NHS and more money for self-isolation.

After Lord Frost defended the ‘grace period’ decision, Newsnight debate involved claims from Sammy Wilson, DUP, that NI had the most policed border in Europe and it was legitimate to act unilaterally, due to the economic and social damage the rules inflicted (in line with article 16). The Irish government rep disagreed: “unilateral action is never the solution.” Asked if going to court was, he said that’s how it worked under the agreement. Touché!

A Waste of Time

Thursday, Morning Live featured the tradeswomen’s register, instigated by Stopcocks plumbing, who provided us with sterling service when we first bought our house. Good to see them still going strong! Phil changed the bed while I bathed. I emerged from the bathroom to find blankets annoyingly in a heap and the hoover blocking the door. Calming down with coffee, I wrote ‘Birthday Ellipse’ for Cool Places ⁱⁱ. A slow laptop indicated an imminent update. I switched it off and attempted a bit of cleaning, before collapsing back on the bed.

A year since the WHO declared a global pandemic, we were reminded that Madrid came to play Liverpool FC at Anfield, still seen as the possible cause of high rates in Merseyside. Research found the Kent variant twice as deadly as the original strain and the Manaus mutant ‘a threat to humanity’. Look North reported rates in Yorkshire still stubbornly high, likely because more people had no choice but to work. Health unions and the TUC announced a slow evening clap in support of NHS workers, to be repeated on 1^st April when the paltry 1% pay rise kicked in. On QT, Victor Adebowale of the NHS Federation and Labour MP Steve Reed agreed staff ‘sweated blood and tears’ only to be rewarded with broken promises while billions was wasted on crony contracts. Tory Mims Davies lauded the ‘miracle of the vaccine programme’. Yeah, a miracle they actually got something right! Let’s hope the sterling efforts weren’t a complete waste of time!

A week after she went missing, the search for Sarah Everard found human remains in woods near Ashford and a male cop was arrested in Deal, Kent. Reclaim These Streets planned a ‘Covid-secure’ vigil on Saturday at Clapham Common bandstand. In the commons, Jess Philips recited names of 118 women and girls murdered by men over the past year. Debate ensued on why women had to spend their lives being careful. What about a curfew for men instead?

Slightly better on Friday, I remained in bed, taking far too long tidying up the journal entry. Mind you, I did waste time sorting folders and looking up how to insert fractions with limited success.

The R rate down to 0.6-0.8, infections were ‘levelling off’ in Scotland and NI. Dropping more in England and Wales, medics warned of signs it may rise again in the South East and South West. New rules in Wales and Scotland meant different activities allowed in each. In Scotland, up to 4 people could meet outside, groups of 15 could do outdoor non-contact sports and travel restrictions were eased so kids could go to sports clubs. Confused, Phil declared: “I’m off to Glasgow to play basketball.” In reality, he went to the co-op.

GSK’s antiviral VIR-7831 was found to reduce severe illness and death by 85% – so effective, trials stopped early. 2 Britons reportedly contracted another new variant from Antigua. Brazil fatalities hit a record 2,000 in a day amidst a second wave caused by the P1 variant. Even Bolsonaro seemed to take it seriously, approving a bill to make buying vaccines easier and wearing a mask, after saying it was just flu for a year! Exports to EU down more than 2/3 in January, Suren Thiru of the British Chambers of Commerce said it was “an ominous indication of the damage being done to post-Brexit trade with the EU by the current border disruption.”

In the evening, we watched films, drank too much wine and stayed up too late.

A Waste of Life

Saturday started bright but cold with sharp showers later. In spite of the wine, I was less fatigued and managed the day out of bed. Posting a photo for Big Sis’ birthday, I saw a report on her Facebook wall about a German court finding lockdown against human rights. Tempted to respond, anxiety levels rose so I didn’t. Phil cut and dyed my hair (long overdue) I then made a mess in the bathroom rinsing the dye off. Phil wanted to take photos of our corvid residents to add to his current series of bird portraits (see ‘Jackdaw’ above) but rather late by the time we had lunch, he settled for popping to the shop. Not drinking too much alcohol, I hoped for a better sleep but struggled with indigestion until 3.30 a.m.

Tired and with a stiff shoulder Sunday morning, I was in a bad mood while Phil appeared jolly. I made a big effort to get up and spent ages on the journal even though I thought it was finished. Nipping out with a pile of recycling, I got spooked by a neighbour coming up the steps with her dog just as I opened the door. “Sorry, you started me!” “That’s alright, he scared me too,” she mystifyingly replied.

24m adults now had at least 1 jab. Away from the plague, the main news concerned Sarah Everard. Officially-cancelled, vigils still went ahead. A mask-less Princess Kate was among those seen to lay flowers and light candles at Clapham Common. Peaceful for several hours, a typically heavy-handed Met piled in, leading to scuffles and arrests. Nasty Patel demanded a report then an investigation and Khan said he’d been ‘in contact’ with Dick! The Met Chief rebuffed calls to resign. Other gatherings across the country attracted no such intervention. It beggared belief that the Met had refused a legal event. On The Marr, Tory Victoria Atkins called it “terribly upsetting” and Jess Phillips said they “got it wrong at every single turn…There are a million ways that could have been organised, but the police put their foot down before they put their boot in…” Tory MP Caroline Nokes (chair of the Women and Equalities Select Committee) said it was “badly misjudged” and Victims Commissioner Dame Vera Baird QC called circling of the bandstand “quasi military.” Subsequent demos in Parliament Square ensued.

The alleged murderer, Wayne Couzens (an officer in the diplomatic corps)* appeared in court with visible head injuries incurred while in custody. Wondering how the body was found and he traced so quickly, Phil said he probably had a tracker on a diplomatic car. Not a fan of the police, I acknowledged they didn’t usually go round randomly murdering people in the streets. He had obviously gone loco – why wasn’t that picked up in psycho tests?

Having said which, a report obtained by The Observer a week later demonstrated a catalogue of sexual abuse within the force. The incident deeply affected me and countless others, judging by social media threads. It was incredulous how the onus was on women to protect themselves from misogynist attacks but a lot of men still didn’t get it! Some defensively pointed out not all males were predatory and could be victims too, failing to recognise that women weren’t saying all men were murderers but the sad truth was that 97% of murderers were men.

Still achy and troubled at bedtime, a fluffy bath had minimal relaxing effects. Plagued by anxiety, I used the meditation soundtrack which eventually sent me to sleep but I felt unrested at the start of the new week.

*Parliamentary Diplomatic and Protection Command

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Sadiq Khan