Corvus Bulletin 8: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)

Haiga – Enigma

In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.

‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.

Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12^th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.

Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by  a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.

Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.

Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.

In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.

Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.

Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.

June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.

Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.

A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’ⁱ). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”

Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.

A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Corvus Bulletin 1.1: Neverwhere

“The reputation of Parliament is possibly as low as it’s ever been and that reputation is very largely undeserved because the vast majority of members of the House of Commons are strongly committed to doing their job in accordance with high ethical standards. A big priority for me is supporting members who want to commit to those standards, being very clear in sanctioning those members who fall away from those standards and not allowing them to tarnish the reputations of the vast majority who are committed to standards.” (Daniel Greenberg)

On Newsnight 17^th January, the new commissioner for standards said ‘standards’ a lot.  Appointed October, it was the first I’d heard of Daniel Greenberg.  Geza Tarjani videoed himself shouting ‘murderer!’ at The Cock on the tube at Westminster and was arrested for common assault.   The register of member’s interests showed the tight-fisted Cock gave only £10m of his £320k I’m A Celeb earnings to charity.  As the tight-fisted government announced help with household energy bills from April would only be for those on means-tested benefits, Rishi set out 5 promises: i halve inflation; ii. grow the economy (omitting details on how); iii. ensure the national debt fell; iv. reduce NHS waiting lists within 2 years; v. new laws to stop small boat crossings.  He promised we could hold him to account on what were also our priorities (as claimed in a subsequent party political broadcast).

The last time I looked: i ministers claimed inflation was due to global forces like the war; ii. the economy shrank so the only way was up; iii. people cared about their own debt rather than the national debt; iv. shorter NHS waiting lists would still be longer than pre-covid times and IFS predicted they’d flatline during 2023; v. all efforts to stop dinghy crossings had failed so far – how would more tinkering help?

On the third anniversary of the EU deal, Keir said labour would turn ‘take back control’ from ‘a slogan to a solution’ by devolving more power from Westminster.  Meanwhile, The C**t told Bloomberg’s Brexit would shake Britons out of their comfortable torpor, turn them into risktakers and put the UK at the forefront of the digital revolution.  His plan for economic growth ‘necessitated, energized and made possible’ by alleged regulatory freedoms, focused on ‘four Es’: enterprise, education, employment and everywhere.  He was clearly living in Neverwhere!

Insinuating companies had gone too soft to reap the benefits of Brexit, he was criticised by business groups for lack of detail.  Chief IOD economist Kitty Ussher suggested a fifth ‘E’ for ‘empty’.  Halving inflation more important than cutting taxes, he made no mention of public sector pay, which Paul Novak referred to as the ‘elephant in the room’: “Public servants will be deeply worried about the chancellor’s warnings of further restraint. We know that is usually code for cuts.”

Shrinking by 0.6%, the UK was the only G7 economy not to return to pre-pandemic levels.  The IMF blamed dependency on expensive energy sources and lack of investment, but seeing the autumn statement as stabilising, thought prospects might improve during 2023.  Despite Brexit leading to more red tape thus less trade and variety of goods and the few deals actually struck with non-European countries predicted to have only marginal impact, in the long-term, they didn’t reference it at all.  Small producers hardest hit, farmers feared they wouldn’t survive.

A labour shortage of 330,000 and, no solution to the Northern Ireland protocol, Lord Frosty Gammon wasn’t surprised The Supreme Court ruled it lawful.  Disappointingly not doing funny voices (like Justine Greening the previous week), on Newscast 9^th February, Lord Frosty still maintained Brexit was great and referred to ‘born again Brexiteers’ within the tory party.  As most constituencies regretted voting leave, apart from three in Lincolnshire, it was more evidence they resided in Neverwhere.  Even gammons like Rod Stewart realised we’d been shafted (We Are Failing as the Daily Mirror’s front cover declared), citizens of Brexit-Upon-Avon whinged they were lied to.  Tough shit, suckers!

A startled Michael Glove-Puppet on Laura Kuenssberg Sunday 5^th February, spouted the usual tory rubbish, insisting the government honoured their commitments.  The UK not yet honouring the Brexit deal, Michel Barnier begged to differ.

Also in tory Neverland, more sleaze emerged.  Rich donor Richard Sharp denied brokering a loan for Bumbling Boris from Sam Blyth (a second cousin of Boris’ dad), around the time he became Chair of the BBC.  Denying a conflict of interest, Sharp refused to resign.  Commissioner for public appointments William Shawcross, later withdrew from reviewing the appointment process, as he met Sharp in a pub.  Facing the DCMS select committee 7^th Feb, Sharp insisted his role was more like a ‘sort of introduction agency’.  The SNP’s John Nicholson found it ‘a bit banana republic’.

Answering news report, Nads Zahawi confirmed he settled a £4.8 million tax bill including a 30% penalty while he was chancellor.  Dating back to its founding, his dad paid for YouGov, getting shares in return.  Rabid Raab defended him for paying all his tax up-to-date but Caroline Nokes thought he should ‘step aside’ as party chair and nasty Jerk Berry referred to him as ‘a distraction’.  Reeves railed: “…if the prime minister wants to stick by his commitment for integrity, honesty and professionalism, he should do the right thing and sack (him).”  Quizzed on tax avoidance at PMQs Wednesday 25^th January, Rishi insisted he was ‘very clear’, wasn’t PM when Nads paid HMRC, followed the appointments process for the minister without portfolio, and when new information came to  light, instructed his new ethics adviser Laurie Magnus to investigate. New info since last week? Asked an incredulous Keir.  Accused by Rishi of wanting it both ways (urging appointment of the adviser then objecting to them doing their job), Keir retorted, failure to sack Nads showed how hopelessly weak the PM was: “Is the job just too big for him?”  Brutal!

Lord Evans subsequently criticised Nads for trying to close down the debate with legal threats, and not living up to The Nolan Principles, the standards which the public ‘rightly expected’ to be upheld.  Quite!  As a caller to Jeremy Vine observed, how dare they dodge taxes on their millions and then tell hard-working nurses they can’t budget?  Nads’ case already unravelling, HMRC boss Jim Harra confirmed to the Public Accounts Committee that penalties weren’t imposed for ‘innocent errors’.  Getting Magnus’ report on the 29^th, Rishi sacked Nads for a ‘clear, serious breach of the ministerial code’.  Offering no apology, Nads blamed the ‘conduct of the fourth estate’ i.e., newspapers.  Another instance of Neverwhere!