Corvus Bulletin 8: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)

In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.

‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.

Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12^th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.

Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.

Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.

Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.

In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.

Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.

Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.

June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.

Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.

A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’ⁱ). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”

Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.

A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Papers 4: Permacrisis

“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)

Highway To Hell

Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogⁱ. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.

As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.

More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.

John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.

In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.

As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.

Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.

At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.

After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.

In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.

Nasty Business

Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8^th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3^rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”

Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”ⁱ. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!

Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.

Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.

Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandⁱⁱ). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.

Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!

1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?

The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.

Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.

Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6^th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8^th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74^th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.

Unhinged

The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15^th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”

Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38^th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.

A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.

Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6^th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.

Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.

New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.

Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ⁱⁱ). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.

Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!

Broken Britain

Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”

Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)

Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.

Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.

On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.

Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?

When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30^th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.

At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)

The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.

E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.

GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15^th & 20^th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)

Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.

After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6^th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.

Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3^rd-5^th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!

*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity

**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: Hepdene Rose | Cool Places – Our Back Yard (wordpress.com)

ii. Brexit Island: Brexit Island – Home | Facebook

Part 85 – Things That Go Bump In The Night

“Working people are being asked to pay more for less, for three simple reasons: economic mismanagement, an unfair tax system and wasteful spending” (Rachel Reeves)

A Bumpy Ride

Still tired and achy Monday, Phil helped with chores and manically cut his hair while I posted blogs. Attempting to get errands done, I went to the co-op to find it shut due to a power-cut. Staff guarding the door told me it was the second outage that day. Despite tummy ache, Phil went to town in the evening for supplies. Anxious about next day’s appointment, I took a pill to aid sleep.

As expected, kids on half-term could get jabbed at centres. Stephen Powis advised working from home but on Jeremy Vine, Charlie Mullet said it was bad parenting akin to being a benefits cheat. Prof Openshaw found 1:55 infected unacceptable and “connected with the lack of clear messaging about sensible measures (we could take)…to reduce (spread).” Warwick University reported 11% of covid clusters last summer were caused by ‘eat out to help out’. No comment from Rishi Rich, premature budget details presaged national wage rises and an end to the public sector pay freeze. Unhappy at the leaks, Lindsay Hoyle scolded: “At one time, ministers did the right thing if they briefed before budget – they walked.” He accused them of treating MPs discourteously: “This house will not be taken for granted. It’s not right for everybody to be briefed, it’s not more important to go on the news in the morning, it’s more important to come here.” WMO* warned CO2 levels rose at a faster rate in 2020, the pandemic made little impact and there was ‘no time to lose’. Petteri Taalas called the upward trend ‘way off track’. As too was Boris as he told children recycling plastic was a waste of time and he didn’t think COP26 would achieve anything. Number 10 hastily issued a correction. Extinction Rebellion blocked the City of London, the Met cleared it by midday and arrested 53. In the fifth week of the volcanic eruption, a giant lava fountain spewed from Cumbre Vieja.

Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for my appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for the dreaded appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date timetable, Phil worried it was the wrong stop and wandered off to the main one. I gave chased shouting: “it can’t possibly be that one! I checked google 3 times!” We distracted ourselves from the stress by admiring willow curlews made by schoolkids installed in the chapel gardens (see below) until the bus arrived. An elderly couple tried to get on to be told drivers were changing over and it wasn’t leaving for 10 minutes. Obviously regulars, we should have asked them to confirm the stop. When the new driver turned up, he was rebuked for tardiness. The elderly couple chatted to the driver for ages then I had to repeat our destination 3 times! But it was a very cheap and scenic ride in the autumn sun. At the other end, we were assaulted by vicious wind and I was assaulted by anxiety and unpleasantness while Phil waited patiently. In time to catch the last bus back, it took a different route, bypassing settlements to crazily speed over desolate moors in the gloaming and arrive in darkness. Exhausted after the bumpy ride, I was glad of Phil’s support and his naughty but nice fry-up dinner.

Prof Pollard said the UK’s high covid rates were due to 10 times more testing than ‘some countries’. Owen Patterson was found to have broken lobbying rules on behalf of Lynn’s Country Foods and Randox (awarded testing kit contracts). Meanwhile, PAC found TIT outcomes were ‘muddled‘, aims ‘under-achieved’ and an £37 bn budget badly managed with over-reliance on consultants. Idiot Jenny Harries said they played “an essential role in saving lives every day.” The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) said current plans would only cut greenhouse gases 7.3% by 2030, nowhere near the 55% needed. Inger Anderson barked: “The world has to wake up to the imminent peril we face as a species.” Tory MPs blocking an amendment to the Environment Bill making it illegal for water companies to tip sewage into rivers, were named and shamed. Boris hastily reversed the decision. Bezos planned the Orbital Reef space station as a ‘mixed use business park’. Jeez!

Big Bumps

Wednesday brought a Westminster marathon – PMQs, the budget & spending review and response. Keir isolating again and Angela Rayner on bereavement leave, Ed Millipede led PMQs, to raucous applause. He started on the need to halve emissions this decade and cited the UNEP report: “does the PM acknowledge how far we are from the action required?” Boris insisted commitments were made, it was too early to tell if they were enough and we should recognise how far we’d moved. Red Ed said it was easy making promises for 30 years’ time but harder to make them for now. COP26 wasn’t a photo-op, or about climate delay, they mustn’t shift the goalposts and had to focus on 2030, not the end of the century.

Rishi Rich began by bigging up the economy’s strength and growth, proving their plan was working. He said the budget was about investment in a high-skilled economy and levelling up. Increases for all departments and devolved administrations included more dosh for housing, the removal of unsafe cladding and a reduction of rough sleeping by 1/3 (why not 3/3?) The anticipated re-invention of Sure Start took the form of A Start for Life and extending The Holiday Activity and Food Programme indicated caving into Rashford. More money would also come for SEN school places, youth clubs, football pitches and pocket parks, whatever they were – all viewed as inadequate to address missed education during lockdowns. Levelling up entailed projects in 100 towns across the UK including Ashton. It was a shame Rayner wasn’t there to ask if that meant she got a pocket park! His so-called ‘infrastructure revolution’ entailed investment in innovation and R&D. More money was pledged for core science, FE, T levels, the lifetime skills guarantee and ‘multiply’ to tackle innumeracy – which would be unnecessary if they hadn’t stripped basic skills bare under austerity. And what about literacy? “They don’t want more literate people realising what a load of rubbish they are!” observed Phil. On top of increases in the national wage and unfreezing public sector pay, Universal Credit claimants would keep more of their earnings. Other giveaways entailed a UK prosperity fund to match EU funding, less domestic air passenger duty, cancellation of a fuel duty rise, slashed bank profit tax, extended tax relief for museums, lower business rates for retail, hospitality and leisure and cheaper registration of boats under the UK flag (pirate rejoice!). Alcohol duty was ‘streamlined’ with more tax on high-strength booze and less on fizzy wine, draught beer and cider. “Hipster relief!” we cried. Rishi said this was all possible because we’d left the EU. It didn’t escape notice that he spent more time talking about booze than climate change, and failed to mention rail, care, the unemployed or violence against women.

Rachel Reeves accused Rishi of living in a parallel universe, saying with the cut in fizz and bank taxes: “at least bankers on short-haul flights sipping champagne will be cheering this budget today.” They wouldn’t be paying for “the highest sustained tax burden in peace time”, nor would property speculators. No; it would be working people. Well, I observed, tories would always do anything other than tax their rich mates! Wage rises were slated for not keeping pace with soaring energy prices and taxes. GMB Sec Gary Smith said the announcements were ‘vague at best’ and ‘it all reeks of vacuous gesture politics’ Was he thinking about Rishi’s budget-eve Insta pics in sliders? The next day, the OBR warned the cost of living could be the highest for 30 years and IFS advised living standards would fall with low wages and high prices causing ‘real pain’ to the lower paid. Paul Johnson said: “this is not a set of priorities which looks consistent with long-term growth or indeed levelling up.” The Resolution Foundation added that the poorest fifth would be £280 a year worse off. Meanwhile, Rishi went to Bury market, bought sweets and called it Burnley. Addressing criticism of the fuel duty cut, he vacuously said there were “lots of different ways” to tackle climate change.

The interminable proceedings made lunch long overdue. I was offered a follow-up appointment, conveniently in Tod next Monday, and went to the co-op. Shelves patchy after the outages, I just got essentials. A Woman almost bumped into me at the till. The cashier asked her to retreat. “I’m sorry,” said the woman. “I forgot my mask.” “Everyone forgets sometimes but distance would be good,” I replied.

Severely unrested Thursday, I awoke in darkness to the sound of pouring rain. Phil noticed a dripping hot tap. Thinking he blamed me, I listed faux pas I’d let slide. “You were saving them up. That’s what women do!” he jibed. “No, I was trying to avoid arguments.” I’d just settled with coffee when the jolly Ocado deliverer arrived. Blustery all day, it felt cold going to town in the afternoon. The market depleted due to half-term and lateness of the hour, I chatted to Councillor Friend at the cheese stall, pleased the pain from her knee replacement 5 weeks ago had eased. In the convenience store, I caught the end of a staff gossip: “I thought Boris had announced another lockdown.” I suspected sarcasm about day-trippers. Sweet Shop Man said my throat sweets were scarce, advised stocking up and complained everything was hard to get. “And you can’t get the staff either!” he quipped. Two shop-girls pretended not to hear. I hurried home, became tired and wondered why I was rushing. Maybe it was the cold, although the quick scoot did warm me up. The sink full again, I had a gripe. “I’m busy!” Phil retorted “Okay, but don’t put a cast iron pan on top of breakfast bowls!” He sprung into action, washed up and helped hang washing.

On BBC Breakfast, Pat Valance told us to eat less meat and fly less. He should tell Rishi! Government scrapped the red list in time for COP26. From Monday, double-vaccinated travellers needed to self-isolate but not in quarantine hotels. Some scientists said it was too soon – 90% of people still had antibodies but they were waning. Devi Sridhar expected more cases in Glasgow due to the summit but couldn’t say if it’d be a bump or a wave. Clement Beaune took ‘retaliatory action’ for Britain not sticking to The Trade and Co-operation Agreement. A fishing boat was fined and scallop vessel Cornelis ordered to Le Havre, detained and instructed to attend court at a later date. Macduff Shellfish insisted they’d fished legally. The French subsequently threatened to not let British boats land, Useless George said two could play that game and Liz Truss summoned the French ambassador. Richard Hughes of OBR informed us Brexit would reduce GDP by 4% in the long term, more than the pandemic at 2%. The Brazilian senate unsurprisingly voted to prosecute Bonzo but as it was up to chief prosecutor Augusto Aras, it probably wouldn’t happen.

On Question Time, airhead Lucy Frazer insisted we were £500 a year better off after the budget. How did she work that out? She said cutting domestic flight duty was nothing to do with climate change while entrepreneur Jenny Campbell claimed she listened to David Attenborough but somethings had to wait until the economy got going again. We can’t wait, you moron! Discussing the fishing spat with France, Maitta Fahnbulleh of New Economics Foundation called the post-Brexit bumps ‘big bumps’.

Bangs and Crashes

Iffy again on a darkly dull Friday, I managed a few exercises and some housework, drafted the journal and made traditional Lancashire parkin – messy but yummy!

Although hospitalisations were up, Prof Ferguson said covid infections were dropping so we didn’t need plan B. But the ONS found rising rates across the UK and 1:50 had the virus last week, the same number as in the second wave. The Prof also said the 6-month gap for boosters was arbitrary. Err, I thought it was based on the science! Reflecting on her choice of language, Rayner apologised unreservedly for calling tories scum. Arnie came on BBC Breakfast to say we could terminate climate change and Greta Thunberg joined protestors outside Standard Chartered Bank in the City of London to demand big finance stop funding fossil fuels. Jeremy Vine asked: should we give kids fruit instead of sweets on Halloween? Brandishing a bag of wiggly worms, we hoped they didn’t contain cannabis. “I wouldn’t put it past him to buy the wrong ones!” Police later warned parents in Rochdale to be on the lookout for laced sweets.

Fortunately, flooding didn’t reach our area over the rainy weekend. Phil doing my hair took most of Saturday. Chopping knobbly veg for dinner proved hard work even with a joint effort and took ages to cook. As the clocks went back, I looked forward to the extra hour but slept badly.

Thus I struggled to Thus I struggled to rise Sunday and dossed for hours. So much for the extra hour! In contrast, Phil slept loads but had tummy ache again. I wrote a haigaⁱ, draft-posted blogs, worked on a Christmas card, and helped him make cinder toffee. A first outing for the sugar thermometer, we watched eagerly for the red line to hit ‘hard crack’. “We could sell that!” he joked. The mixture bubbling insanely when the bicarb was added, we left it to settle before tasting – spot on! I prepared bowls of sweets and fruit in case of trick or treaters but we got none. No surprise with the heavy rain although that didn’t deter residents of the posh hall across the valley banging off fireworks.

Commuter journeys less than half, leisure trips were 90% of pre-pandemic levels. On the eve of COP26, WMO reported the last 7 years were the hottest ever recorded globally. The G20 met In Rome where Boris told leaders it was ‘last chance saloon’ for climate commitments. This saving the planet lark involved a lot of flying about! He admitted ‘turbulence’ with France over fishing, saying they might be in breach of EU law. Look who’s talking! Macron retorted it was a test of British credibility. The next day, Number 10 denied an end to the war, Boris said it was up to the French and Lord Frosty Gammon considered legal action.

With Bulb Energy on the edge of collapse, Red Ed told Marr we needed a different model for managing the supply chain. Interviewing Greta Thunberg, she was less concerned about not being invited to speak at COP26 than under-representation of poor countries. She said leaders said things to sound good and look good, putting all their eggs in the new tech basket was naïve and there was a pattern of governments proving climate action wasn’t a priority for them. (e.g., reducing air tax). Parts of Cumbria and Hawick flooded, residents were evacuated and trains couldn’t get to Glasgow. Two trains collided at a Y-shaped junction at Fisherton Tunnel, Salisbury. The crash hurt 13 passengers and left a driver with ‘life changing’ injuries. Cause unknown, the line would be closed for several days.

I went up early and set the alarm for Monday’s appointment. During a turbulent night, I had a funny dream entailing the cross-country bus and an uphill walk. “What are we doing?” I asked Phil, “we’re meant to be going to Tod.” The dream proved prophetic…

*WMO – World Meteorological Organisation

Reference:

i. My https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 69 – Winds of Change

“Every game, no matter the opposition, has the potential to create a lifelong memory for an England fan somewhere” (Gareth Southgate)

Sterling Summer

Wobbly Monday morning, I could hardly lift my heavy limbs off the bed or focus my eyes. I craved more sleep but nature called. After crawling over the bed to open curtains, I looked upon grey mizzle and succumbed to the chronic fatigue – only for a couple of days this time. I worked on the laptop until my eyes became blurry again and managed a few small chores with Phil’s help, legs aching as I ascended back upstairs. After applying weeks ago, DVLA sent a reminder to renew my license, a day before it arrived. The ugly thing sported the old photo off my passport, a lurid union jack and mysterious symbols which Phil had to interpret. But the hologram was clever. Railing against coffee-cupper incompetence, I later discovered there were issues with unsafe covid practices and strikes at the Swansea office.

Needing extra veg to accompany leftover wartime roast for dinner, I was still wary of using the microwave even though Phil declared it fine. Thinking a pile of tins on top made it overheat, he temporarily removed them. They needed a better home but there was nowhere else to put them. In the footie, Switzerland scored a stonking late goal. The match went to extra time and penalties where they beat France 5-4. Mbappe missing the last one, I observed they had some great players but a lot of prima donnas and didn’t play as a team. A bit too exciting for that time of night, I went back to bed and watched boring Newsnight. I fell asleep quickly but woke a couple of hours later to lie in a stupor sweating cobs.

PHE reckoned vaccines saved 27,000 lives and prevented 7m infections. Prof. Matthew Snape of Oxford Uni and chief investigator in the Com-Cov trial found mixing AZ and Pfizer jabs gave a robust immune response. In his first statement to The House as health sec, Goblin Saj said they were on course to lift restrictions by 19^th July; it wasn’t the end of the line, but the start of an exciting new journey, no date came with no risk and we must learn to live with the virus. The Bumbler went to Batley to idiotically pose in hi-viz and hard hat and claim credit for Cock’s resignation: “that’s why when I saw the story on Friday we had a new secretary of state in on Saturday.” Downing Street officials contradicted his version of events saying he accepted Cock’s resignation after Saturday’s discussions. Did he ever stop lying? Angela Rayner said there were serious unanswered questions. “A fish rots from the head down. And by failing to sack the former health secretary, Johnson proved he doesn’t have the leadership qualities or judgement required to be prime minister.” As the PM denied ministers used private e-mails for official business, she brandished print-outs of the messages. Amid concerns of the Delta variant, Portugal, Spain, Malta and Hong Kong imposed new restrictions on UK tourists. A 14 day quarantine for Portugal except Madeira, was effective immediately,. From Wednesday, Malta would only accept fully-vaccinated travellers and negative PCR test were needed to get into The Balearics, the same day they’d be added to the green list. Hong Kong put the UK on a ‘very high risk’ list. All direct flights were banned from Thursday as well as arrivals except residents and relatives.

Still mostly abed on a warm, sunny Tuesday, I ventured downstairs to watch the big telly at 5. I felt more nervous than excited as along with 20 million fellow-viewers, we saw England face Germany. In a goalless first half, 2 yellow cards were issued including to Kalvin Philips. “He loves a tackle,” observed the commentator. “Yes, that’s why he plays for Leeds!” I quipped. Sterling broke the duck well into the second half, Muller missed by miles, then Kane came to life to clinch a 2-0 victory. Boris watched the game with Carrie and moronically cheered then asked: ‘was that a goal? Stick to rugger, posh boy! Cue memes of him watching the Cock snog and ‘hands, face, bum’ captions. In the post-match interview, Gareth Southgate was pleased they gave to joy to the nation but said it was all for nothing if they didn’t win the next games. No it wasn’t! You beat Germany! The rollercoaster over, we both admitted thinking England would win but didn’t want to jinx it. After all, they were a great team, Germany weren’t anymore and it was at Wembley. Rome next for a quarter final against Ukraine (who beat Sweden in extra time), fans were warned not to travel – a 5-day quarantine meant they wouldn’t be free until Sunday.

After making crumble on Saturday, a few decaying apples remained. I cut into them to see if any parts were edible to find one made an arty rotten star. At half-time, I flung pieces from the doorstep for the crows. One landed appropriately on the Christmas tree. Enjoying the feel of a summer’s eve, I sat on the bench a while to absorb Vitamin D. On going back inside, a sudden cold draft and distant thunder suggested storms a-coming. “Winds of change!” intoned Phil. I was very sleepy after being up so long and hoped it augured well. However, it took some time to drop off, and I again woke hot and sweaty in the night.

Gen Sir Nick Carter testing positive, other top commanders and Ben Wally self-isolated. Cases rose in Scotland and they lifted the travel ban to the North West, after reviewing data and talking. There’d been no deaths in Wales for a week. With 5.1% of pupils absent, Goblin Saj looked at replacing bubbles with daily testing in schools. The Salesman subsequently announced bubbles would be scrapped at the end of the summer term, coinciding with stage 4 of the roadmap. Prof Finn claimed kids didn’t get ill much. Yes, but they could still pass it on! john Edmunds said recommending vaccines for kids needed careful consideration. The Salesman also suggested ways to increase discipline such as banning mobile phones in classrooms. Hockridge denied harassing Nick Watt because ‘traitor’ wasn’t an abusive term and accused the BBC of spreading fear and lies. Australia imposed lockdowns on Sydney, Darwin, Perth and Brisbane. Blame fell on the Delta variant leaking from poor air circulation in quarantine hotels and ‘weak border spots’ allowing workers to travel. FRC* investigated Saffrey Champness and PWC audits of Greensill Capital and Weylands Bank. The queen’s platinum jubilee do was billed as a ‘reopening ceremony for the UK’. Bands, street theatre, circus acts and puppets would clog central London.

Head Wind

Feeling heavy again Wednesday morning, I crawled across the bed to open the curtains and slumped back down. Another lovely day, I opened the window and tried not to be depressed at missing out, especially as we’d planned a rare daytrip by train. We shared a laugh at Beverley Swivel-head arguing with Nina Guardian on Jeremy Vine. Banging on about ivermectin, she claimed the anti-parasitic drug cured covid and referred to YouTube guidelines – because that was the best source of medical knowledge obs!

Phil worked downstairs while I sat on the bed rather than in it, worked on the journal and watched PMQs. Keir asked why The Bumbler hadn’t sacked The Cock immediately. He replied there was a new health sec by Saturday. Repeating this fact 4 times, he missed the point – it wasn’t about moving fast but taking the lead. What did you have to do to get sacked? Keir called it a ridiculous answer and persisted: did you sack The Cock or ask him to resign? Boris deflected by saying Keir had fired and re-hired his own deputy. Keir pressed the PM on Matt’s girlfriend also being his aide; according to his own guidance, he should challenge such obvious conflicts of interest. Boris blathered. Keir proceeding to reference people who’d died, Boris totally dismissed the question, saying he was concentrating on vaccines not the ‘Westminster Bubble’. Was that the bubble he lived in? Viewing sleaze as a ‘bubble story’ again showed what a bunch of hypocrites they were! Keir suggested he retract the totally inappropriate response and asked him if he quizzed The Cock on breaking other rules. Again getting no answer, he concluded ‘no questions asked Friday, no questions answered today’ and observed a pattern: Boris backed The Scumbag, The Jerk, Nasty Patel and now The Cock, reinforcing the message it was ‘one rule for them, another for everybody else’.

In the afternoon I sorted a backlog of phone photos. Saved to umpteen locations, I connected it to the laptop to view folders which inevitably entailed a software update. Before dinner, Phil remarked “It’s nice out. I might go for a walk.” Tempted, I rallied to join him for an evening stroll. Spotting Walking Friend and her companion drinking at the corner pub, we chatted from the other side of the wall about my bright pink cardi, their hike to interesting stones further afield and mutual acquaintances. A fellow participant in the research project, he’d never set eyes on the researcher even though they lived in the same village. We crossed to the canal and were accosted by a woman on the tea barge. “Where did you get that colour?” Thinking she meant the lurid cardi, she indicated my recently refreshed orange hair. We proceeded into the park. Teasels framed the football pitch where small groups of teenagers socialised. Bright blooms sprouted from wildflower patches. Badly-spelled graffiti raised a chuckle. Over the lock bridge, we were hailed by drunkards. Realising we knew them from pub days of yore, Phil joked “It’s the new local!” Passing the co-op carpark, we ran into an ex-neighbour. Now only living 5 minutes away, it was strange how little we saw her. “You never know, maybe we’ll see each other in Corfu. Do you remember?” she asked. I did indeed recall the encounter several years ago but doubted it would happen again in the near future. Back home, I headed straight to the kitchen to make soup. Annoyed at the lack of help, I told Phil: “I’m never doing an evening walk again, getting home knackered and hungry, if I get no help with dinner.” “Sorry.”

A ‘levelling up’ survey revealed schools in deprived areas lost money to the better-off. Deaths from covid 25% higher in Manchester, local health leaders said the wider issues of education, deprivation and housing needed to be addressed in childhood. Overseas business leaders from amber list countries no longer had to go to quarantine hotels but had to isolate when not dealing. Hospital cases rose to 1,525 with 245 on ventilators. Still lots lower than the second peak in January, a PM spokesman told us the rise was expected and prepared for but Stephen Reicher warned of repeating last summer’s mistakes when the government suggested it was our patriotic duty to go to work and the pub. If infections never got low enough to deal with later spikes, there’d be more lockdowns in autumn and a dismal winter: ”vaccination has made a huge difference, but the danger is, if we overstate it, and we over-rely on it…we undermine its good effects…so it’s belt and braces…it doesn’t mean you forget about everything else.” He wanted more support for people self-isolating, improved ventilation and public health measures and a faster TIT system. JCVI still not yet clear if it was necessary, early plans for autumn boosters were revealed: Stage 1 – the elderly, vulnerable, NHS and care staff (given with the flu jab). Stage 2 – over 50’s and over 18’s ‘at risk’. The Counter Terrorism Operations Centre opened in West London. The 328ft, 28 storey HQ was a revamp of the 1962 Empress State Building, complete with revolving restaurant. Newsnight featured conspiracy theorist telegram groups, letting them air their cretinous views that coronavirus was a nefarious plot to implant us with tiny chips and de-populate the planet. I failed to see the point of the package.

Stormy Thursday

Better on Thursday, I did a few exercises and fetched brekkie. Phil helped change the bed and left me to hoover until I got hot and tired. I took the laptop down to work in the living room, hung sheets on the line and headed out. The elderly woman, not distraught today, shouted down the street “lovely article!” referring to Valley Life which landed on doorsteps that morning. Thanking her, I briefly told her about the picnic kerfuffle and hurried onto the market. Town busy, shopping entailed a close encounter with a fat man at the toiletries stall (at least they were there) and the jolly veg man trying to overcharge me again (for the second time running). On the way home, I went via the ironmongers in search of exterior paint to realise I had no mask. I returned after lunch. Not having the right sort of paint, I went to the site of a former decorating shop, forgetting it turned into an Asian grocers ages ago, and looked for the animal-loving vegan café on the same road. Definitely closed as Phil had read on socials, I had no idea where the birds had gone. Taking a short-cut between the back of 2 pubs, the narrow backstreet was lined with tables and chairs just like the Med!

Hot and tired, I dossed on the sofa before assessing garden furniture while Phil fetched wood planks from the attic to use for repairs. Too big to fix the near bench, he went searching on the mill re-development site but got nowt. Meanwhile, I removed dry rot. He asked if I had any anti-freeze from my car-owning days and found a full can. No idea it could revitalise the dry slats, he informed me it’s what they used on the Mary Rose. Sometimes random knowledge comes in handy. The woman next door seemed impressed too, We then scraped peeling varnish off the far bench and applied wood stain. Decorating neighbour came by and congratulated us on doing it right. Overheating again, we retreated indoors for Magnums and coffee.

26,068 news cases were found in England, over 3,00 in Scotland; 2,00 traced to the Euros and 1,294 caused by Scots fans going to the derby in London. WHO estimated the footie led to global cases rising 10%. Germany complained of irresponsibly large crowds at venues like Wembley. TV doctors listed new symptoms associated with the variant. Suffering most of them every day, should I worry? Did I have long-covid?

1^st July marked the first day of the second half of the year and the cut-off for EU citizens who’d failed to navigate the complicated system, to be able to stay in the UK. Furlough would start tapering off, the business rates holiday would end, and VAT and stamp duty would rise. Gary Smith of GMB cried: “Ministers are seriously misguided if they think we can suddenly revert to business as usual.” A record 6,000 migrants crossing the English Channel since 1^st January, charities accused government of creating a ‘people smuggler’s dream’ in a quest to build ‘Fortress Britain’. In Sunderland, Nissan built a new electric car and a huge battery plant, with financial support from The Treasury. Boris went to wear a stupid silver racing jacket labelled PM and hinted some restrictions might stay after 19^th July. After a vicious by-election campaign involving the odious George Galloway and canvassers requiring police protection due to harassment and egging, labour clung onto Batley & Spen by a shrunken majority of 323. The leftie vote split by The Workers Party (closely aligned to CPGP), tories allegedly defected over The Cock affair and silence on dirty tactics. Kim Leadbeater claimed it was a vote of hope over division. Vegan poet Benjamin Zephaniah noted he was the only anarchist ever invited onto the QT panel and said we couldn’t go back to normal as that was what caused the pandemic in the first place i.e., eating animals.

Still achy but much less fatigued on Friday, I researched HQ Creative Industries lab mentioned in Metro. This division of Harper Collins aimed to support under-represented groups. Thinking I had a chance of qualifying as socio-economically disadvantaged, I flicked through some of my old writing for submission ideasⁱ. After shopping and lunch, I applied another layer of anti-freeze on the near bench but thought varnishing a bit chancy with leaden skies. Next door’s gardener introduced herself and remarked on the restoration project. “I learnt the hard way that it’s much better to rehydrate dry wood rather than slap paint on. It just peels off again.” Discussing recent lack of rain and the challenges of growing plants in the South Pennines, she kindly offered to expunge some of our creeping buttercup and crocosmia. As a prelude to the evening’s footie, I read ‘Dear England’ by Gareth Southgate. I agreed with Phil it was rather goodⁱⁱ. In the first quarter-final of Euro 2020, Switzerland and Spain drew 1 all. As a Swiss player was sent off, Phil said it would be easy for Spain. They did win but only after extra time and a scrappy penalty shoot-out. They’d face Italy in the semi next week. After films, we watched an episode of Apparitions. Not sure how we missed it when it was on normal telly, Phil assured me the exorcism details were quite accurate.

Estate agent Lewis Hughes was charged with common assault on Chris Witless and lost his job. UK cases of the Delta variant quadrupled in less than a month and rose 46% in a week. The day of the launch of the EU Digital Covid Certificate, it turned out the EMA hadn’t yet approved the Indian Covishield version of Astra-Zeneca meaning those jabbed with it couldn’t go to Europe. The batch numbers matching our first dose, it was just as well we were resigned to not going abroad this year. Boris played down the issue and an expert called it an admin error that should be quickly resolved. Banger wars averted for 2 months, a long-term solution to the Northern Ireland protocol was still needed. The Merkel meeting The Bumbler at Chequers, was optimistic ‘pragmatic solutions’ could be brokered. Was the wurst behind us? I thought not. She said double-vaccinated Brits would be welcome in ‘the foreseeable future’ without quarantine but repeated concerns about Wembley crowds. Popular German brand Haribo struggled to get sweets to Britain. 30,000 delayed HGV tests and drivers returning to their home countries after Brexit led to a shortage of hauliers. Sales were up at Primark, JB Sports and Revolution bars (originating in my home town).

Thunder Head

Mostly grey on Saturday, I stayed home, draft-posted the journal, spent ages getting rid of cobwebs behind kitchen cupboards and took recycling out in a bright spell as lesser-seen neighbours came by. They told me they were moving to Barnard Castle, because you couldn’t buy white goods here anymore. It takes all sorts! Having moaned their huge garden was too much work now he’d retired, he then made a snooty comment about our tiny garden. Knowing them slightly from a dance class a few years ago, I never knew they were so snobby! Phil went shopping in town. Not too busy, we guessed everyone was saving themselves to go mad during the footie later even though he only spotted 1 pub with a telly. Dinner not quite ready before the game, we watched the first few minutes on the kindle while eating, but still managed to miss the first goal due to a delay. England beat Ukraine by a stunning 4-0. More fans than expected in Rome, they were allegedly expats. We suspected some got there in roundabout ways. The next game would be a semi-final against Denmark at Wembley. Phil quiet all night, a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder prompted him to confess he’d suffered from the air pressure. “Aah! Thunder head!” Alas, the downpour didn’t follow and his migraine persisted.

Sunday breakfast was hampered by clutter and mouldy bread making me stressed and panicky. Phil characteristically arrived the moment I’d done it all. Sick of food waste, I vowed not to use recycled bags ever again. A flash of lightning and a loud thunderbolt this time presaged a massive thunderstorm. Phil had thunder head again and bad hand cramp. Feeling disabled, he persisted in working on the computer. Photographer friend posted on Facebook that her studio was flooded but I saw reports of nothing elsewhere. I wrote a haiga with a topical football themeⁱⁱⁱand tagged the journal. Mistakenly adding a whole paragraph, I found a quicker way of editing tags and spent all day on it.

According to a React 2 study, long-covid affected 2 million people. On the Marr, Stephen Powis said it encompassed a range of symptoms, clinics were treating them, and kids got it even if they hadn’t been very ill with the virus itself. Rachel Reeves came on to say ‘The Science’ a lot and that the government needed to present evidence to parliament instead of to the press. She agreed with Stephen that not sorting out social care put pressure on the NHS and accused Boris of ‘neglect and failure. IDS and 5 other ex-chancellors wanted the extra £20 on UC to stay. I agreed, but it was rich coming from the guy who invented it! After an EU summit and a week in isolation with covid, Luxembourg PM Xavier Bettel went to hospital.

* Financial Reporting Council

References:

i. HQ Creative Industries lab https://harpercollins.co.uk/pages/hqcil

ii. Dear England by Gareth Southgate: https://www.theplayerstribune.com/posts/dear-england-gareth-southgate-euros-soccer

iii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 33 – A Design For Life

High Noon

Debilitation continued for most of the following week. I spent most of the time in bed, only venturing down occasionally. Phil also still felt rubbish but kept me fed and watered. Monday, a watery sun peeked between grey clouds, signifying rain was on the way. As the leaves on the trees turned from orange to brown, I was glad I’d captured them on camera before the inevitable fall. Among the writing and blog-posting, I unusually slept briefly in the afternoon which was nice.

Only 11% of people told to self-isolate by TIT did so. It was suggested police get details of flouters from DoH and issue fines. The BMA said it would deter people from getting tested. Wales announced a ‘firebreak lockdown’ from Friday for 2 weeks, officially cancelling Halloween and Bonfire night. Barnier agreed to ‘intensified talks on legal texts’ of the Brexit agreement. What did that mean? Newsnight included an analysis of Kier, declaring him a man of mystery. Diane Abbot blamed his mum for instilling a vision of pre-destination by calling him Kier. A more interesting section featured Margaret Calvert, designer of the road signage. Never giving it much thought before, the clear simplicity struck me as amazing. Subsequent additions hadn’t met the high art standard of her work, particularly the stunted horses and frogs.

Tuesday morning, I awoke from a good sleep to the sound of traffic in the rain, lulling me back into a gentle doze. However, this didn’t help in the debilitation stakes and I remained in bed. Phil went to the co-op for a top-up shop and found a fresh cream cake in the reduced section. Obviously intended to cheer me up, I’d planned a day of healthy snacking but felt compelled to eat it before it soured. “How awful, being forced to eat cream cake.” He laughed. It’s a hard life!

440 people lost their lives to Covid-19 in the previous week, now doubling every week. Awaiting pistols at High Noon, the deadline for Manchester came and went. With no agreement, tier 3 restrictions were imposed, effective from midnight Thursday with only £22m extra, towards local TIT and protecting the vulnerable. GMC said they needed 90m, but would settle for the ‘bare minimum’ of 65m. The government offer of £60m was perhaps churlishly turned down by Burnman who said Boris promised ‘levelling up’ when residents of the red wall voted Tory in the last election, but this was ‘levelling down.’ Even Young Conservatives berated the government for betraying the north. Meanwhile, South Yorks agreed a deal for tier 3, to come into force at 12.01 a.m. Saturday and Ireland announced a 4-week lockdown from midnight Wednesday, aka level 5 of a ‘framework for living with the virus.’

In an idiotic call to business leaders, Boris left after 15 minutes and The Glove-Puppet said leaving the EU was “like moving house.” Capitalists were unimpressed. When would they learn The Bumbler wasn’t up to the job? All he could do was waffle and not back up his hyperbole with concrete action, let alone any strategic planning for life after Brexit.

Black Holes and Revelations

I woke several times during the night and eventually gave up on proper sleep on a wet Wednesday, simultaneously fatigued, achy, sneezy, and burpy. Nevertheless, I made a big effort to bathe and dress in time for the Ocado delivery. Able to return bags for the first time since March, I was instructed to put them into 1 single bag. “How many can you squash in there?” asked Phil. The driver then stuffed them into another clean bag. “Bags in a bag in a bag,” I quipped.

By the time we’d sorted the shopping, it was lunchtime. Exhausted by the chore, I took a sandwich back to bed and bemoaned my plight of a spending another week and a half of my life being ill.

On the anniversary of Spanish Flu arriving in Britain in 1918, Keir confronted Boris at PMQs, asking what was the exit strategy for tier 3 areas? Was it related to the R rate? No answer. Metro revealed that the government bypassed Burnman by offering dosh separately to each of the Manchester metro leaders. Bolton was the first to say yes. Marcus Rashford’s petition led to a Labour motion on free dinners for kids during half-term. It Failed to pass, as only a handful of tory backbenchers voted yes. Channelling the SWP, Angela Rayner called a fellow GMC MP ‘scum’. She was right but shouldn’t have said it out loud. She later apologised. Debate on Jeremy Vine the next morning led to us discussing how the benefits system was carefully designed to not be enough to live on. Tory scum either didn’t know this or chose to ignore it when they wittered on about how ‘generous’ it was. In the wake of the debacle, Rashford, fast becoming an icon, divulged information on which MPs voted against the motion and where to get free food. Cafes and councils across the nation stepped in, as did Leeds United, making the government look like a right bunch of c…ts. Over the weekend, pressure mounted as paediatricians joined the call and rival footballer Rahim Sterling founded a charity to help disadvantaged kids.

In what the Daily Mail called a ‘farcical session of the commons home affairs committee’, Police Chief in charge of the pandemic, Owen Weatherkill, revealed he didn’t understand the rules in the different tiers as it was too confusing. Proving his point, he seemed unaware that indoor mixing was banned under tier 2, as did Lancs Police Chief Andy Toads: “The big one for me moving from tier 2 to 3 is your household not mixing with others inside ….” Chair Yvette Coop pointed out mixing indoors was banned in both tiers.

The valley looked fuzzy on Thursday as mizzle obscured the hills. I still felt ill and depressed but had to clean the bedroom. I only managed the bare minimum before exhaustion took over. Following refreshments, I did some work on my novel but had to stop with another bout of fatigue – it would take 10 years to write at this rate! Phil again insisted on doing the catering. I perked up after dinner and settled on the sofa to watch a telly film. But as my sore throat returned and my temperature rose, I had to go back to bed.

TIT still got worse week on week, with a record low of 59.6% people reached, when 101,000 positive tests were reported. Labour called it an ‘interstellar-sized black hole’. Did they mean supermassive? Figures from regions suggested local teams reached 94.8% and York started their own. On Newscast, ex-chancellor George Osborne incredibly claimed the NHS hadn’t been underfunded when he was in charge and took no responsibility for the unpreparedness of hospitals at the start of the pandemic – splutter! Coventry joined other West Mid towns in tier 2. Rishi Rich dished out more dosh for tier 2 areas; JSS extended to cover all jobs, not just ‘viable’ ones; staff now only had to work 20% of their normal hours to get 73% pay (or 1 day a week), and employers only had to pay 5%. Also, £2,200 per month was offered to businesses affected by shorter hours, back-dated to the start of local restrictions. Critics accused him of only extending the earlier offer now that London had gone into tier 2. He promised tier 3 measures were temporary but gave no timescale. Apparently unbeknown to our local leaders, government discussed West Yorks moving up to tier 3. Not reported on Look North, they concentrated on South Yorks, making us wonder anew about the obsession with soft play areas; must be big business in those parts. Maureen, a Barnsley councillor, became the Brenda of the pandemic saying “I don’t give a sod.” (about lockdown).

Friday marked the anniversary of creation, in 4004 BC, according to Archbishop James Usher. “He did the maths,” said Phil, “making everyone well gel hence coming up with all those other theories such as evolution, the creation of black holes and the big bang”. Both still ailing, I spent the day in bedtweaking the journal and the evening watching films.

Croeso I Gymru

Ahead of the Welsh lockdown that night, last-minute clarification came from the First Minister that supermarkets could only sell essential items. Shopping trolley police on standby!

The row rumbled on over the weekend. The devolved administration insisted stopping supermarkets selling non-essentials was ‘a matter of fairness’ (to small shops). As Tesco cordoned off tampons, they then said the rules were being misinterpreted and were intended to prevent people spending too long in the supermarket – make your mind up!

Fright Night films at Chester FC were cancelled as the cinema screen was in England but the loos in Wales. Heddlu gave notice that they would stringently enforce the border. With Halloween and Bonfire Night already looking dicey in England, Sage bod John Edmunds warned a normal Christmas was “wishful thinking.”

Bright Night

I’d started to feel better Saturday but still achy and very cold so after breakfast, I tucked myself back in bed and played around with ideas on the laptop, including a haiga. By 4 o’clock, I was recovered enough to venture down again for a pleasant session of eating, drinking and films.

Mind you, I retired much earlier than usual, even without factoring in the extra hour due to the end of BST. The advantage of this was being up at a reasonable hour on a sunny Sunday. Phil forgot the clocks went back and also surfaced earlier than normal.

Being housebound for 2 weeks and eager to see trees other than those out the window before the lovely colours fell off, I suggested a short walk to a favourite woodland always gorgeous in autumn.

On the main road, we noted leaves already on the ground, soggy due to the rain. A group of young mountain bikers straddling the pavement moved aside for us and exchanged cheery words. Turning up a lane, we found a shortcut to the wood, where the rocks matched the trees, smudged in green, red, orange and copper. Microsoft ICE cobbled together an inaccurate panorama, that captured the mood of the scene. A locked gate meant we were unable to take our usual shortcut through a posh garden and were forced to climb up a horrid stony path. The lane at the top was very busy with walking groups. We tarried near the wall where tiny moss worlds grew, before continuing up. Phil complained the incline never ended. “That’s right,” I told him, “it goes right up to the sky!” We proceeded into the next village for a rare pub visit. I took a table outside while he went in to order pints, brought out by the daughter of a friend. She’d left her previous job after 16 years and I asked why. “Just needed a change.” Phi had trouble scanning his card so donned the mask again to pay inside – at least they took cash too unlike some places

Supping the beer, my hands got cold and I was glad of the gloves in my pocket. Grey clouds threatened rain, then they parted and it became bright again, albeit with not much daylight left. The ale went right through me, thus It was my turn for the palaver of face-coverings to go to the loo. We walked back quickly before twilight. In the longer night, a wobbly moon set behind the trees atop the hills.

Watching the news, we realised we had been very lucky with the weather. The rest of the UK had suffered more rain while the valley remained dry for once. Coppers told a Manchester pub that a large slice of pizza didn’t qualify as a ‘substantial meal.’ Since when were they dinner police? With only 11% complying, a reduction in self-isolation advice was being considered, to 10 or 7 days – where was The Science to back that up? Spain was the first European nation to reach over 1m cases, and introduced a state of emergency until May! Italy opted for a looser lockdown; table service would stop at 6, gyms would shut, and people discouraged to move around, leading to a violent protest in Rome. A group of 7 ‘violent’ Stowaways tried to hijack the Nave Andromeda, a ship anchored near the IOW. After a 10-hour stand-off, the SBS intervened to rescue the crew.

Tired from the walk, I couldn’t sleep that night. Brightness had returned, prompting me to peep through the curtains. Stars twinkled in the deep indigo sky, accompanied by the distinctive red dot of Mars.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 5 – A Moveable Feast

Game of Thrones

1 - Haiga – Clocking It — Haiga – Clocking It i

Tuesday 7^th April stayed bright and sunny. I also felt brighter after a full 8 hours sleep, but Phil seemed subdued. On asking what was wrong, he initially said “nothing”, then re-thought and said “everything”. He sneezed, indicating hay-fever had kicked in. I forced a tissue and antihistamines on him.

Although less fatigued, my mind kept going blank and I had to stop and think what I was doing in the middle of writing. The internet moved at glacial speed, making me quite irate. Phil eventually managed to sort it out so I could at last post an entry on ‘Cool Places’.ⁱⁱ

Late afternoon, we had a brief spell in the garden. He planted Christmas tree seeds while I pruned shrubs and put the prettiest cuttings in vases, ready to be adorned with Easter egg ornaments. A young neighbour I’d not seen for a few months appeared, back home from university. She was just finishing her first year at Cambridge when all exams got cancelled due to for lockdown. She, was devasted of course! Phil popped to the shop, bought all the groceries on the list, and washed them. As previously mentioned, he’d become an expert at this type of shopping. It suited him to buy a few items at a time “like the old days.”

In the evening, we peered out the window at the very bright ‘pink supermoon’ (not pink at all) and made the first of several meals utilising the wild garlic (barley risotto) The garlic-themed dinners continued throughout the week, including fishcakes with garlic sauce, tortilla and chips with garlic mayo, weekend roast with garlic pesto potatoes, and spaghetti pesto.

Bumbling Boris had been put in ICU but not on a ventilator. A call for an evening ‘clap for Boris’ was apparently not a piss-take. Talk about toadying! Rabid Raab took charge during his absence. Elsewhere, reports emerged of Nerola village, Italy being totally isolated with all residents tested and contact-traced. Valuable research or hideous experiment? Tigers in NY zoo had tested positive for Covid-19. Pet owners inevitably fretted. Clarity on guidance for cats followed: they could go out as long as nobody in the house had symptoms.

Wednesday morning, Gormless Gove began self-isolation as someone in his household allegedly had symptoms. More likely he was biding his time, waiting for The Boris and The Rabid One to fall so he could take over, like Unpretty Patel. It was all getting a bit Game of Thrones. A sculptor from Cornwall made a bust of Chris Witless as ‘he has an interesting face and is very sensible’. Already hilarious, ‘stay home’ written in crayon on a scrap of paper beneath it had me in stitches!

Confined Walk

2 - Loitering Workmen — Loitering Roadworkers

Phil cast about for a reason to leave the house: “what excuse do I have to go out today?” With no urgent grocery needs, he randomly decided “I need cornflour and a mars bar”

I agreed to a walk in the warm, sunny afternoon. Down on the main road, an impatient driver beeped us at the zebra, even though the road was clear.

Walking along the canal and through the almost-empty park, waiting and weaving was required to avoid dawdlers and cyclists. Towards the station, dandelion clocks dominated the verge. Men loitered by roadworks on the access road and clambered noisily upon the roof as refurbishment continued. More lingering ensued trying to get onto the Sustrans path, while a man dithered with his phone for several minutes. But the hindrances did not mar delight in colourful spring flora. On our return, the towpath looked clear when a pair of joggers almost ran into us under the bridge, causing great annoyance. I noted that in Paris, jogging had been banned between 10-7. Dog-walking and one-hour strolls were puzzlingly allowed ‘within half a mile of home’. Safer back in the park, we walked across the pitch to avoid weed smokers, running past yet more loiterers at the lock gates.ⁱⁱ

The evening news told us almost 1.000 people had died in the last 24 hours. Rabid Raab was very vague about the lockdown review due next Monday, while experts declared it too early to lift restrictions. Rishi Rich dished out £750m to charities: Hopefully, it wouldn’t be as hard to access as the emergency loans for small businesses.

First thing Thursday I felt confused and woozy with tummy cramp. Morning chores left me exhausted and achy. The Ocado delivery I’d booked 2 weeks ago arrived bang on time. To overcome the logistical problem of washing everything, I left the items not needed for a few days in bags. An earlier text suggested there would be a high number of missing items. However, most had been substituted by alternatives. Tinned cherry tomatoes are a thing, it turned out (normal plum tomatoes obviously not good enough for Waitrose customers!)

In the afternoon, I sourced crucial new ipad leads from the evil Amazon. Buying the toiletries I needed proved impossible. On ringing Mum, she actually answered, said “I can’t talk now” and promptly put the phone down. Exacerbated, I sent her an Easter card instead. Over the weekend, brother 1 took cupcakes to the care home and spoke to mum through the window. Good to hear she was fine, if frail

Confusion continued following the pointless daily briefing. Ministers wittered about a Cobra meeting which was in fact a meeting about a meeting due next week to ‘decide how the review will be conducted’. An extension to the lockdown seemed inevitable. Some idiot suggested lifting restrictions for young people, seen as at less risk – forgetting they were the ones spreading germs about with no concept of ‘social distancing’! Police took characteristic glee at the prospect of clamping down over the Easter weekend. In Northants, they planned to set up roadblocks and search shopping trolleys. Visions of them confiscating Easter eggs came to mind: “’ello, ‘ello. ‘ello. Is that non-essential items you have purchased?” The Cambs force patrolled shopping aisles and caravaners were turned around on the A38 going to Cornwall. Daleks were seen patrolling the streets of North Yorks – at least that suggested a sense of humour. The government continued to trust they used ‘discretion’; Was that consistent discretion? (sic).

Brandon Whatsit got tied up in knots when asked on Question Time why people could go for a walk in the park or on the beach but could not sit down or sunbathe for 10 minutes. Prof Openshaw (no relation) said as extra vitamins were essential and the virus didn’t like sun, it was a good thing to do.

Bumbling Boris was now ‘sitting up and chatting’. The next day, he left ICU. We joked that he would miraculously rise on Easter Sunday.

Easter Treats

3 - My apple art - Woodland Floor — My apple art – Woodland Floor

Good Friday, I woke very early, unable to sleep due to anxiety and ferocious hunger. I tossed and turned until 7.30. I got the breakfast cereal and made an apple art. Berries in the granola suggested a woodland floor. Phil was the real apple artist; my phone photos of his creations had a small but enthusiastic bunch of followers on social media. Would anyone spot the difference? Answer: Yes!. Still, there was no need for him to laugh so raucously at my attempt.

It felt so warm, I donned a pair of summer jeans set off for the co-op, suddenly realising I had no jacket on. Early enough for no queue and not too busy, issues remained with people not understanding what 2 yards was, including staff. I had to bypass the fruit shelves as a member of staff stocked up the bananas and inevitably I found no hot cross buns.

4 - Hand Finished Chocolate Cake — Hand Finished Chocolate Cake

In lieu of cancelled events, I posted pace egg photos from last year, receiving several likes via the town’s page. Phil baked bread while I made a chocolate cake. The mixture looked very sloppy, took ages to bake and didn’t rise much even though I whisked it for ages (I would never get the hang of that sponge cake lark).

The addition of buttercream frosting and drizzled Bournville improved the presentation somewhat – hand-finished!

The evening bulletin informed us there had been almost 1,000 deaths in the UK again. While less people in London were in ICU, there were more in Yorks. Scaling on the daft graphs changed as per usual, to make UK figures look less worse compared to the rest of the world. With 8,000 deaths in the USA, a mass grave had been dug on ‘Heart Island’ in the Bronx.

Reiterating the rules on going out, the announcer proclaimed there was ‘no time limit on outdoor exercise as long as it was close to home’. So why did I keep hearing it was an hour? And how many times did we have to be told not to go out over the Easter weekend?

After another crap sleep, I forced myself up on Saturday, to discover my ipad had de-charged to critical overnight even though I turned it off before going to bed – I hoped the Amazon delivery would arrive soon.

Not really inclined to venture out, I worked on the journal and watched telly, avoiding plague news. However, it would have been worth watching by all accounts. Taking advantage of the absence of The Bumbler and the Gormless One, UnPretty Patel emerged, insisting she’d been working ‘hard’. In classically heartless style, she said she was “sorry if people feel there have been failings” (totally side-stepping the issue of NHS staff dying due to a lack of PPE). Making a complete hash of the numbers, she claimed 300,000; 34; 974,000 tests had been carried out.ⁱⁱⁱ Talk about thick! And evil with it – the worst combo of human traits, and typical of bullies.

I got some sun doing a spot of weeding in the garden,. A container had appeared near the back wall (possibly an evictee from the community garden), handy for sweeping the weeds into. I overheard The Decorator asking next-door-but-one for phone advice and added my twopenneth about uploading contacts to the cloud and the virtues of Huawei. This led to comments on the Chinese stealing our data “It’s the Americans you want to worry about”, I said. Phil emerged, off to stretch his legs. I asked: “if you pass a shop, get me a turnip or swede (no joke!)” When he returned, he went straight upstairs; I guessed to hide something. He then announced he had got a turnip; in fact it was a swede.

Easter Desert

5 - Easter Eggs in Chalk — Easter Eggs in Chalk

Easter Sunday, Bumbling Boris had indeed risen – it’s a miracle! He went straight to his country pile while Gormless Gove was seen out jogging – more hypocrisy!

Phil presented me with a co-op chocolate slab, almost identical to one I gave him at Christmas, with the chocolate raisins replaced by small golden eggs. I got him nowt. I’d intended to make him an art but with all the writing, cooking and baking, didn’t get round to it. The hand-finished chocolate cake would have to suffice.

We had a fix of seasonal holiness from morning telly. The top archbishop spoke from his kitchen about the impossibility of society going back to normal after the crisis, saying we must continue to value ‘key workers’. The Pope’s traditional address took place in a weirdly empty basilica save for a few cardinals practicing extreme social distancing. He also emphasised the need to value people above money and prayed that the homeless and refugees would not be abandoned.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. From The Independent: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/coronavirus-priti-patel-ppe-uk-nhs-update-cases-a9460886.html

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Rome