Corvus Bulletin 8: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)

In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.

‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.

Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12^th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.

Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.

Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.

Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.

In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.

Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.

Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.

June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.

Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.

A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’ⁱ). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”

Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.

A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Papers 4: Permacrisis

“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)

Highway To Hell

Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogⁱ. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.

As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.

More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.

John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.

In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.

As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.

Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.

At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.

After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.

In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.

Nasty Business

Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8^th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3^rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”

Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”ⁱ. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!

Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.

Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.

Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandⁱⁱ). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.

Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!

1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?

The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.

Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.

Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6^th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8^th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74^th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.

Unhinged

The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15^th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”

Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38^th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.

A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.

Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6^th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.

Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.

New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.

Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ⁱⁱ). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.

Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!

Broken Britain

Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”

Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)

Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.

Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.

On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.

Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?

When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30^th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.

At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)

The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.

E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.

GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15^th & 20^th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)

Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.

After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6^th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.

Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3^rd-5^th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!

*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity

**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: Hepdene Rose | Cool Places – Our Back Yard (wordpress.com)

ii. Brexit Island: Brexit Island – Home | Facebook

The Corvus Papers 2: Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Pyre

“It has sometimes been observed that what leaders do for their people today is government and politics. But what they do for the people of tomorrow – that is statesmanship” (Queen Elizabeth II)

Pomp And Circumstance

Phil started work at the convenience store on 1^st September. I tackled chores and admin, ringing the GP surgery twice. 29^th in the queue, I hung up to try again later to be 50 something in the queue! I didn’t have time for a third attempt before the booked pension advice call. The nice Moneywise man provided tons of info, giving me head fug. Going out for air, an acquaintance dumped garden waste. I bit my tongue, even though she was still doing it on my return. I got nothing on the rammed but sparse market but ordered smoked salmon from the fishmonger. Phil interrupted my writing in the evening, asking where AJs was (who delivered bacon butties to The Store staff). “No idea. Ask them!” A very early start Saturday, he got home knackered but with interesting facts about supplying local cafés and specialists sorting newspapers. How quaint! A fellow photographer mate who worked there years ago, wasn’t surprised to see him, but my old art teacher was. Well, he was a bit pompous.

After e-mailing siblings about my birthday fundraiser Monday, Elder Sis made a generously commensurate donation to mark my 60^th and Big Sis donated a tirade on DEC corruption. I delayed replying to devise a diplomatic answer. As I hung washing, our old next-door neighbour and companion sat out, during a visit while the Polish woman visited her homeland. We shared tips on upcoming seaside trips and news of Phil’s job. She reckoned the boss was a bit of a B… Warm and sunny late afternoon, Phil asked if I wanted to go out. I snapped at another thoughtless interruption, he stomped off, but came back for an apology. Feeling uncomfortable, stuff to do and unable to think where we’d go at that time of day, I suggested sitting outside for vitamins. He squatted on the kerb chatting with old next-door neighbour. I joined in discussing health, languages, Europe and Brexit when The Widower came past. Next-door asked had he seen The Student? She then turned up with the rest of the tribe, having got back from Germany last week. “Zer gut!” The put-upon stepdad ferried stuff from the car. “Have you been camping?” “No, a cottage for a few days but we needed to take tons of stuff.” No idea why! Tuesday, workmen fixed the step at long last. Phil on the early shift again, in the afternoon, he rested and showered. “That’s better. I’ve got a week off, even though I’ve only been there a week.” “Yes but you weren’t supposed to be working till after our hols. Does it still feel weird going to actual work?” “Yes.” “It’s when it doesn’t feel weird you need to worry.” “Why?” “Cos you might give up other pursuits and think: ‘I’ll just work in the shop’.” “Like people in the pub?: ‘I used to be a photographer’.” “Exactly! It’s a slippery slope!” Starting Wednesday wobbly and itchy, I took medicines and persevered with housework. Phil amicably helped change bedding but unkindly mocked me tripping on the bedframe. I then slipped on a large letter on the doormat – more stupid pensions crap! Phil went secret shopping and I went to charity shops. Dumping books, I found nowt, but the community shop’s free school uniform rail was a good idea. In the evening, Phil insisted on toasting my birthday with fizz.

Boris went to Suffolk to gush about £700 million for Sizewell C, 1 of 8 nuclear power plants, not yet agreed with EDF and not operational until the 2030’s. Blaming labour for lack of planning, he obviously forgot Gordy Brown signed off 10 new plants in 2009. As he also suggested we buy better kettles to save £10 a year, Rayner said he wasn’t living in the real world, evinced by him embarking on a farewell tour! On the new Laura K Sunday prog, having ditched her promise of no direct help, Trussed-Up (who I’d just discovered shared my first name in real life) said it was good that rich people benefitted more from tax cuts and she’d have the energy crisis sorted in a week.

Raucous applause from Joe Lycett, the Daily Mail were incensed at him mocking their incoming leader. He kept up the pretence on Jeremy Vine the next day. As Truss was crowned Queen of Gammons Monday, she said ‘deliver’ a lot, Nasty Patel resigned and Big Ben ominously stopped. A Cabinet from Hell included Swellen as home sec and Therese Coffee-Cup as health sec FFS! Jeremy Vine asked if the morbidly obese, cigar-smoking boozer was a good role model. Clearly not! Farage gin trended on twitter. At 7.30 a.m. Tuesday, The Bumbler orated on it being time to pass on the baton, likening it to a relay race when someone changed the rules halfway through. Look who’s talking! Invested at Balmoral Tuesday, Trussed-Up flew back to stand at a wet lectern and ape Churchill, saying she’d take action every day to encourage growth by cutting taxes, deal with gas prices and get us all GP appointments (if only!) In fact, nothing happened for a fortnight apart from a very boring PMQs.

Dutch scientists used data from the Cambridge University Covid-19 sounds app (ongoing for 2 years, I’d never heard of it), to develop one that could detect symptoms, possibly more reliably than LFTs. Bristol Zoo closed due to falling numbers during lockdowns. Tracy Dustbin announced the promised low West Yorkshire bus fares. Starting Sunday, the maximum single fare was £2 and a day fare £4.50. BBC breakfast highlighted the plight of those in sheltered housing not covered by the price cap and OVO energy founder Stephen Fitzpatrick published a 10-point plan including subsidies. Benefitting low income households, with less help for those who used more energy, he had some good ideasⁱ. Unlike Edwina Currie, stupidly suggesting putting foil behind radiators. That’d do a lot of good seeing as we would hardly ever have the heating on; how about tapestries? The Guardian suggested cooking a baked potato in the microwave. Did they have Sean Bean’s recipe? The Which? column in Metro called for a minimum geographic baseline for access to cash. Almost 1,000 migrants intercepted crossing the channel Saturday, refugee minister Lord Harrington resigned saying the job of helping Ukrainians in need was done. As it was revealed Shamima Begum was smuggled into Syria by a Canadian spook, lawyers challenged the removal of her citizenship on the grounds that she was a trafficking victim. It reminded us of a film we saw where those nasty Canadian spooks left a kid rotting in a Thai jail.

Orangeoke

Alcohol and insomnia led to a groggy start Thursday 8^th. Phil also discombobulated, he made 3 attempts to say happy birthday. I treated myself to a mini-spa while he fetched the salmon to cook a posh brekkie. Pouring the end of the fizz for a toast, we had 1 sip and spent the morning trying to finish it – we couldn’t hack morning drinking anymore! He made a card from a cute classic car photo, complete with number plates labelled ‘Happy Birthday Mary’ and matching gift tags for more pressies than I expected. After unwrapping, I read Facebook messages and sent one to a cousin who shared my birthdate. Walking Friend called with sunflowers and a gift bag of goodies before a filling 2-course lunch deal at The Cypriot. Fuddled by cocktails, we palavered over splitting the bill and finished the drinks out on the street. Too quiet for after-school time, the reasons became clear later. Walking Friend came back for coffee, cake and Count Arthur Strong on DVD. Facing the grim prospect of coming home between rail strike days, I didn’t blame her for not visiting us in Scarborough the following week. Unbeknown to us, industrial action was postponed, explaining no altered schedule, but a medical emergency at Scarborough station delayed our return. Feeling stuffed and sleepy, I managed to edit celebratory photos and take a phone pic of a postcard stuck on the bedroom mirror, but recreating the vintage North Cliff view proved nigh impossible. The friendly seaside town offering much more than we remembered from our youth, we had a great holiday, avoiding scary Orangeoake at an unfathomable loyalist pub! (See Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ).

The queen’s demise confirmed at 6.30 p.m., Phil reckoned she died around 3, hence the hush, the royals flying to Balmoral and the palace saying she was ‘under medical supervision’ (a euphemism for euthanasia; protocol to prevent hanging on). Weirdly only 2 days after investing Trussed-Up, not only had a monarch never died in our lifetime before, a new PM and King in the same week was unprecedented. I’d never forget the date but at least I dodged a big 60^th celebration which would’ve been totally overshadowed.

Cue interminable toadying and suspension of parliament – so much for deliver, deliver, deliver! Saturday’s proclamation by King Charles III a load of pompous guff, it was historically made public for the first time. Appointed leader of the house and lord president of the privy council only 4 days ago, Penny Mordor led proceedings. It was followed next day by proclamations across the land (hence spotting a man in a funny hat in Scarborough), a King’s address Monday at Westminster Hall to both Houses, and Jeremy Vine observing Queenie had met more people than anyone else on the planet. By the week’s end, queues to see her lying in state grew to 24 hours, snaking into Southwark Park and forcing its closure. Among the throngs, a woman unbelievably with her mum’s ashes, David Beckham and Jacinda Ardern filed past. Jacinda subsequently gushed about the dead queen to Laura K, who showed a good snippet of her saying doing stuff for people today was leadership, but doing stuff for tomorrow was statesmanship. Touché! That’s why there were no statesmen these days. In contrast to the virtue signalling, Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby were accused of queue-jumping. Defending their actions as a segment for This Morning, Holly was in bits. Sky News presenter Sarah-Jane Mee mistook people protesting The Met fatally shooting Chris Kaba for royal mourners, prompting 598 Ofcom complaints.

The least global deaths since March 2020, WHO Dr Tedros saw the end of the pandemic in sight. Having clicked links in texts received before our hols to find covid boosters unbookable, Look North urged so to get them! SNP MP Margaret Farrier received 270 hours community service. GDP rose 0.2% in July; less than expected because of the heatwave.

Retail sales fell 1.6% in August and the pound fell to a 37-year low of $1.13. Unemployment down to 3.9% in the last quarter, inflation was 9.9%, mainly because petrol fell 7.5% but food prices went up 1.5%. The John Lewis Partnership ‘forgo profit’ to give staff £500 each and raise starter pay by 4%. Amazon warehouse staff in Coventry were balloted on strike action. An EU windfall tax would raise more than €140bn towards energy bills. Meanwhile, the UK government said post-Brexit Northern Ireland border check suspension would continue and promised to backdate support for businesses, giving no details. Rich twat Chancellor Kwasi Modo planned to lift the bankers’ bonus cap. Labour 17 points ahead in some polls, idiot Lizzie Chat-show said they had one problem: Keir Starmer who didn’t even know what a woman was. Say, what now? At the party conference, Keir pledged to create a state-owned Great British Energy corporation to invest in green infrastructure, gain independence from Russia, drive growth and create a million jobs. IMF watching the dire UK situation, he said the tories had not only failed to fix the roof but “ripped out the foundations, smashed through the windows and blown the doors off for good measure.” He was met by standing ovations and a race row as MP Rupa Huq was suspended for calling Kwasi ‘superficially black’. She stopped shy of calling him a coconut and later apologised for ‘ill-judged comments’. Ukrainian gains in Kharkiv, Olena went to Strasbourg for the EC president’s state of the union address where Von Hitler said Vlad the Impaler would fail and declared solidarity with Ukraine, and husband Vlod went to Izium, crashing his car driving back to Kyiv. Turkish cargo ship Anatolian was allegedly fired on by Greek coastguards. New Met chief Mark Rowley started work.

A Huge Gamble

Tired from the prolonged train journey, I’d retired early Friday and spent most of the weekend writing up diaries, editing photos, washing and buying groceries. After sitting around for 3 hours Sunday, Phil declared he didn’t have time for lunch before his shift. Irked by unnecessary stress, I fed him coffee and cake then tidied the garden, seeing The Student to-ing and fro-ing in different coats in case it rained. Unaware The Woman-Next-Door sat in her parked car, she made me jump opening the door. Her Polish trip part holiday, part treatment for olfactory issues, she was a veritable ‘I saw you coming’ mug for every New Age therapy going! Fatigued, I went back in but at least I’d had fresh air and social contact.

Monday declared a Bank Holiday, media covered nowt but the dead queen. Deathly quiet, we heard 1 car, 1 train and bickering crows. Even The Store, open on Christmas day, shut 10-1. I stuck telly on as the state funeral procession set off from Westminster Hall for the abbey service with posh singing and an idiotic speech from Trussed-Up. The gun carriage slow-march to Admiralty Arch interminable and hypnotic, we wondered where all the Quality Street soldiers came from. World leaders told to catch the bus, Uncle Joe brought The Beast and Queen Margarite of Denmark caught covid.

Forcing myself to rise Tuesday, I made good progress with the new ‘corvus papers’ method. Phil asked if I needed any shopping. “Yes, There’s a list. I suppose you want smoking stuff.” “Yes I was going to town but I’ll go co-op.” In the end, he went on his errand then met me to help carry groceries and call me cheeky for chucking things in his rucksack. Still avoiding fuel use and experimenting with clothes-drying techniques, I realised I’d worn the same socks 2 days solid! Wednesday, I did boring stuff and Phil worked late. Slamming the front door on his return, the living room door swung open, bringing in a mass of cold air. I didn’t get warm all night. After cleaning the bathroom Thursday, I collapsed on the bed with a sigh. Phil asked what was wrong;, leading to a tirade on the wearisomeness of everyday life. Hard getting back to normal after the break, I’d just started to feel less overwhelmed by drudgery, when he’d dropped the bombshell he was working all next weekend. It wasn’t his fault but an inability to plan was stressful. He promised to ask why he was doing far more than the alleged 16 hours a week, made coffee and proffered choc biscuit misshapes, which he’d got from The Store (along with 3 packs of gammon steak) and already scoffed loads. Going to town, beech nuts on the street crunched beneath our feet and confetti festooned the old bridge. He checked his shifts and I perused the market. Toiletries scant, I scowled at a woman with sharp elbows rudely stretching over to pay while I was transacting. My mind went blank buying veg. Phil caught up to take photos of Chantilly carrots, making Jolly Veg Man laugh. As Phil strode across the square towards a parliament of corvids, I felt faint, flopped on a seat and decided lunch was overdue. Going home via the new bridge, he mused: “what’s in the river today?” “Ducks, sticks, an air freshener, an orange plastic thingy, a carrier bag…it’s like one of those memory games, or dementia tests.” Maybe I needed one after the brain freeze! QT from Grimsby the usual unbalanced nonsense, loony Clare Fox who started out in the RCP and ended up a tory-nominated peer, got too much airtime. On Newscast, rich git Cobra Billamora looked forward to the mini-budget giving him more dosh.

Friday 22^nd marked the autumn equinox. Seeing a light on early morning, I assumed Phil had gone to work, turned it off, then heard him rise. Checking the clock, it was actually 6 a.m., not 7. He later complained I’d woken him but got his own back waking me at 5.30 the next day. I exchanged texts with Walking Friend about free curry, The Poet’s fire party and a cinema trip. Shopping in sunny warmth, I felt overdressed, especially as Woman-Next-Door sat out in a sundress. Another neighbour also too hot, she’d prematurely stowed her summer clothes. I’d not even washed mine after our hols! At least my swimming cosi was unused, unlike the Scarborough Diving Belle. I potted a cutting in a cute pot for Walking Friend then got achy and tired pruning.

GP numbers still dropping and seeing one impossible, Therese Coffee-Cup said there was too much variation in the care people got across the country, and unveiled underwhelming plans for the NHS including a 2-week wait to see a GP; it was 2 days in 2010! Coming up with a moronic ABCD mantra (ambulances, backlog, care, doctors and dentists), she promised £15m more for carers and pension changes to stop doctors leaving the NHS. Holidaymakers were urged to cash in vouchers worth £30m before they expired at month’s end. Dunoon grammar school, Argyle, was shortlisted as among the best in the world for community help. Kids had streamed bingo into care homes during lockdowns and presented ideas to Cop26.

A cap would halve firms’ energy bills for 6 months from 1^st October. Long-awaited and welcome, businesses wanted more, but Rees-Moggy said they’d have to wait. Cost estimates varied from £25-40bn, depending on gas prices, on top of £150bn household support. IFS predicted £231bn government borrowing this year and debt rising for many to come. Reckoning the UK was already in recession, BOE raised interest to a 14-year high of 2.25%. At the UN in New York, Trussed-Up told the BBC she was prepared to be unpopular for ‘taking difficult decisions’ such as allowing bigger banker’s bonuses, to ‘attract investment’ and grow the economy. Labour said it was the wrong priorities. Doing 2 weeks’ business in 3 days, amid a glut of government proclamations, Rees-Moggy lifted the ban on fracking in England. Dismissing earthquake concerns, even as one happened in Mexico, INEOS claimed reserves could equal the North Sea. No cheaper and not enough for everyone, Greenpeace called for a nationwide solution to the energy crisis.

Trussed-Up gloated on the front bench as Kwasi Modo presented his Kamikaze budget. Besides what we already knew, he postponed the alcohol duty rise, increased the stamp duty threshold to £250k, cut basic income tax by 1p, abolished the highest 45% rate and defended banker’s bonuses as we needed global banks here, not Frankfurt. Total tax cuts equating to £45bn, Universal Credit claimants earning less than £142.50 a week (15 hours on the living wage) must prove they were trying to work more or face benefits cuts! Rachel Reeves called it the last roll of the dice after 12 years of tory failure, by “desperate gamblers in a casino chasing a losing run.” Allowing huge banker’s bonuses while axing nurses’ pay, Frances O’Grady wanted to know what planet they were on. Wearing ludicrous clod-hoppers with a suit, Kwasi told Chris Mason there was technically a recession but hoped it’d be shallow and then denied there was one! His former boss, hedge fund manager Crispin Odey, confirmed Phil’s belief that crashing the pound was a deliberate ploy to benefit his rich scummy mates by cashing in on betting against it, and gilts. Economists thought vastly disproportionate gains for the wealthy may artificially boost the economy but if the BOE responded with bigger interest rates, could prompt a boom and bust cycle. Avanti restoring some west coast services, RMT would strike again 8^th October. 30,000 had made dicey channel crossings this year.

NY attorney general Tish James accused The Trump and 3 sprogs of fraud by exaggerating how much they were worth. An appeal court ruled the papers could be reviewed and Trump bragged he could declassify state documents ‘just by thinking about them’. Referenda to be held in Russian-controlled regions of Ukraine, Vlad the Impaler openly accused The West of nuclear blackmail and announced a major escalation mobilising reservists, to ‘defend the motherland’ and ‘liberated territories’. 13,000 anti-war protestors were arrested and amid a rush to escape the call-up, queues formed at borders, outbound flights were full and Ruslan Zinin shot a military official at a Siberian enlistment office. At the UN, Uncle Joe called the referenda a ‘sham’ and the war ‘brutal’. Reports later emerged of households being forced to vote at gunpoint and Ukrainians fleeing Russian-controlled areas to avoid fighting fellow countrymen. On her way to meet Uncle Joe, Trussed-Up announced the return of 5 British nationals, thanks to Vlod and Saudi Arabia. As the sea monster in Weston was finished in the last days of Unboxed (aka Brexit Festival), Julian Knight of the DCMS committee, questioned how many visitors the ‘monumental waste’ had attracted. Creative director Martin Green insisted it was value for money. 95% of 12,800 saplings planted by Gloucester City Council to celebrate the jubbly, perished during the hot summer because there was nobody to water them.

At A Crossroads

Saturday, I went to a print fair at the town hall, to compliment The Printer on an image of Scarborough (similar to my photo panorama), speak to another affected by the fire and quiz a third on her etchings. I mooched round charity shops, the crap market where a posh woman exclaimed: ‘ooh mushrooms! Just like the dress I bought last week!’ (she meant toadstool earrings) and the wavy steps (eyed by a cute jackdaw). All heaving, I sought quiet in the library where an old pub mate exiting helpfully told me it was closing in 10 mins, confirmed by a notice. I got reduced items from the rival convenience store and lay in wait for Phil. As I hid in a doorway, a hippie parked her car with taped-over lights on the double-yellowed junction, went barefoot into The Store and emerged with a vape (aka the new crack). The plethora of highway code infractions almost tempted me to report her. Finishing at 3 on the dot, Phil headed up the street. I yelled “Oi!” We wove through the packed square to sit riverside and chat. Though a challenge lugging ice at 7.00 a.m., it was quite jolly on a Saturday and didn’t feel like a full working day (no commute helped). The NHS had sent me a birthday gift of a home testing kit. Sunday, I duly put poo on the stick and set out to post it. Drumming as soon as I left the house, the handmade parade was in full swing. Just my luck! Picking what I hoped was a less busy route, I was hemmed in by crowds, fought my way across the square and looked for the post-box. Remembering it went years ago, I bought knobbly veg and nipped in The Store where Phil was re-stocking shelves. “Have you *** seen it out there!” “Shh! Don’t swear!” “Sorry, see you later.” Over at the post office, there was no evading the parade as it went down the cul-de-sac. I knew it was a fun family event and I was being peevish but the throngs and drumming made me weary and headachy. Narked by Phil’s lack of sympathy later, I conceded he must be more knackered after 3 earlies on the trot.

Monday a chilly mix of sun and showers, one literally stopped after our house! Still tired, I struggled with a communal food wastebin that wouldn’t shut. Fixing the hinge, I muttered. The Widower appeared: “Talking to yourself?” “Yes, it’s the only way I get any sense, ha, ha!” Ahead of the new price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged Ofgem to lower standing charges and BG helpfully e-mailed that our bills would be over 3 grand next year. Not if I could help it! I sent meter readings forthwith. Sleeping later Tuesday, I briefly felt the benefit, shopped speedily in a tranquil co-op and sorted documents to renew a PTL,* faffing to print a profile pic (needlessly, as it turned out). During a cold night, loud machinery disturbed me and condensation coated the windows Wednesday. I put the heating on for the first time in months, hoovered discarded cobwebs and spider skins and exchanged a string of texts with Walking Friend, agreeing to meet in the library before free curry. Then Phil messed with the hoover, claiming I’d missed a cobweb, then the Ocado driver rang to say he’d be early. Head spinning, I managed a few notes before the jolly Geordie arrived. Phil was asked to work earlier for a colleague’s GP appointment (how did she get that?) Soon after going, he phoned saying it was next week. “Shall I come home or sit in the sun? It’s nice out.” “Just chill then.” Also wanting sunshine, I took chilli plants out to repot but defeated by entangled roots, gave up, and went to town.

Infantile graffiti covered the squat’s boarded-up windows. The Ice Cream rep didn’t turn up in court next day, so the anarchists weren’t evicted. In the library, I was told to renew my PTL online. “Where are the collection points?” “Not sure. Do you need an orange dot?” “Yes.” “I’ll look in the drawer.” The librarian kindly made the pass for me (minus photo after the palaver) I chose a book and returned to the desk to find I was de-registered. Re-registering took longer than getting the pass! Meanwhile, Walking Friend arrived. We discussed Scarborough and what to expect from free curry night. Seeing nobody at the front of the chapel, she suggested we go to the side entrance where a woman I recognised from Vegan Friend’s pre-covid party greeted us. Walking Friend uneasy accepting charity, I searched for my mates to put her at ease but saw no sign of them. Three lovely people took our order, then repeatedly apologised for the wait. The room’s buzz Initially enjoyable, as it filled up, the noise made me light-headed and fatigued (not helped by a missed siesta). Chaotic and too many helpers, I ditched the idea of volunteering in future. We made for the exit, told an acquaintance to watch out for cardamoms and heard someone ask if there were containers for the cake. “Cake!” we cried in unison. The door-greeter opened a side door for easy access to the cake table where there was also a donation tin. Inviting her in, I assured my friend I could cope with a cuppa and cake despite tiredness. We nattered some and I gave her the plant cutting before she wended home via the hidden path before dark. Finding her scrunchie on the bathroom floor, I thought I’d better wash it.

Stunned by another long sleep Thursday, I ignored my woes for a walk and lunch at the Hilltop Village, agreeing with a friend en route, on the awful state of the country and the joys of life on a stunning autumn day (see Cool Placesⁱⁱⁱ). In a bright night sky, Neptune and Pluto vied for attention with a glowing orange Jupiter (at the nearest point to Earth for 59 years). Plagued by backache, I needed the meditation soundtrack to aid sleep, then got woken in Friday’s early hours by Phil getting up and a racket outside. Knowing the pretty but yellow watery dawn presaged a wet, grey day, I dug out a parka before venturing out. The co-op quiet again, my namesake asked was I going walking? “Not in that! But it’s warmer out than in the house without heating.” I agreed we’d need it sometimes to prevent mould and burst pipes.

Concluding coronavirus killed an A&E worker, a coroner was flummoxed that only staff on red wards got face-masks in May 2020. According to Zoe Health Studies’ Tim Spector, hospital admissions were up 37% on the previous week, the highest since 19^th August. A 7% rise in fatal road crashes in 2021 was blamed on lockdown easing. Trickle-down economics a pile of poo and markets jittery, the pound fell further against the dollar and OBR forecasts hinted at U-turns. They promised an economic forecast by 7^th October but after Trussed-Up joined Kwasi in meeting them, she said it wouldn’t be made public ‘til 23^rd November when they unveiled further plans. Lenders stopped offering low-cost mortgages.

As footage of her saying Brits needed more graft was unearthed, Rayner told conference the PM didn’t care about working people and we were at a crossroads akin to 1997. Labour Left Internationalists called singing God Save the King a ‘doubling-down on monarchism’, ‘almost comic’. Ed Millipede mocked Rees-Moggy’s ‘energy policy for the 1820s’. BBC tips to save money included cooking with a microwave rather than an iron! (sic) Online searches for ‘energy bill help’ the highest ever and ‘food banks near me’ up 250%, Jon Ashworth pledged labour would freeze prices, paid for by windfall taxes. The BOE stepped in to buy UK gilt bonds, leading to an immediate fall in long-date yields and lower public borrowing rates. Was it enough to prevent a Northern Rock-style run on pensions? Should I have cashed mine in? Former gov Mark Carney said Kwasi’s ‘partial budget’ was at cross-purposes with the bank. Referring to ‘ministry of the talentless’, witty Rayner said: “Liz Truss has even crashed the pork market. Now. That. Is. A. disgrace. You’d think snouts in the trough was the one thing they could manage.” MPs demanding urgent recall of parliament to face questions on running the economy down, Trussed-Up did a round of car-crash local radio interviews to be flummoxed by simple questions, witter about freezing energy costs and blame Vlod and the world for turbulence. WTF! Was she just thick or dropped on her head as a baby? Rayner quipped she’d: “finally broken her long painful silence with a series of short painful silences.” A YouGov poll put labour 33 points ahead. Gammons still thought we should give her a chance. Government ignoring demands for a 10% pay rise, at least £15 per hour and not cutting 91,000 jobs, Mark Serwotka said the PCSU had no choice but to ballot 20,000 civil servants. Sales up 18.7% in the last quarter, Aldi, now the UKs 4^th biggest supermarket, pledged to put people before profits and build 16 new stores. Turning down public money to keep it open, Peel Group would wind down Robin Hood airport from 31^st October. 32 Wetherspoons pubs including Halifax would shut. How’s Brexit working out, Tim?

A complexity of issues culminated in large-scale disorder in Leicester mainly involving young Asian men. One person convicted, cops said further arrests could go on for months. SML put the strife down to tensions between Sikhs and Muslims, started by a football match in August. Others blamed fundamentalists from outside the city stirring it. New HO minister Swellen told police to do their jobs properly.

Helped by blast-from-the-past Berlusconi, far-right Giorgia Meloni (aka Molly Malone) was set to become Italian PM. Amid covid restrictions and geopolitical tensions, Apple switched manufacture of the iPhone 14 from China to India. Russian gas pipeline leaks made bubbles in the Baltic Sea near the Danish island of Bornholm. Sabotage was suspected. At a signing ceremony to incorporate 4 eastern regions of Ukraine into Russia**, a concert for an invited audience in Red Square drowned out the international outcry. NASA slammed a min-fridge-sized spacecraft into asteroid Didymos-Dimorphos. DART successfully hit it off course, astronomers spotted increased brightness, but it’d be weeks ‘till we knew if the space rocks’ orbit was shortened. Scarborough planned to a centre of excellence for cyber-security – obviously building on the legacy of GCHQ Scarborough which we learnt about on our visit.

Queenie’s death certificate confirmed the cause as old age and the time as 3.10 p.m. Phil was right! Michelle Pfeiffer was heartbroken by the passing of Coolio, of Gangstas Paradise fame. The majority of Northern Ireland residents Catholic for the first time ever, a referendum on a united Ireland was probable. The Orangemen didn’t factor in Catholics breeding like rabbits when they rigged the borders, did they!

Notes

* Passport to Leisure

**Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia

References:

i. Ovo’s 10-point plan: https://www.ovoenergy.com/ovo-newsroom/press-releases/2022/september/ten-point-plan

ii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

The Corvus Papers 1: Shock And Awe

”This is not an abstract discussion…this is whether people can live meaningful lives” (Michael Marmot)

Striking Out

The geese migrated during August, picking at weeds and sunbathing in the middle of our street, which was okay except for them pooing on the doorstep. The Local Celeb and Wife on the street below concurred.

Blogs taking a hiatus, I planned to look for paid freelancing jobs but DIY took up most of the month. The task hard enough, another heatwave made it even worse. On the plus side, in a tangle of wires behind the telly, we discovered appliances unnecessarily plugged in thus using leccy, including the evil Xbox. Slimming down to essentials would save pennies! And I got to wear a racy early 21^st century painting outfit of wide pants and an FCUK tee. Phil slogged to the hardware store in the next village on Monday 1^st and buses not turning up, lugged bags of plaster back. The Woman Next Door subsequently said she’d have given him a lift. Maybe next time. After fixing the living room ceiling, we tackled the grotty wall behind the sofa. Cobwebs and dust had congealed into fluffy brown clumps. Vile stains proved immovable. Resigned to painting, could we buy the same shade? Of course not! And when that made a dazzling yellow, we had to make all the others match, and do the windows. While the sofa was in the middle of the room, I enjoyed the different view but not the inconvenience of being unable to reach the side table. Our woes paled into insignificance as a fire in a converted mill gutted creative businesses. Starting at 2.00 a.m. on Tuesday 2^nd in the Italian Restaurant kitchen, we speculated that someone left the chipper on arson by a rival, The building declared unsafe, fire engines from Manchester and across Yorkshire worked throughout the day to make it safe, and people were told to avoid closed town centre roads – an Air BnB tragedy! Mercifully no casualties, nearby homes were evacuated and others advised to keep windows and doors shut. The Lampshade Maker whose studio was destroyed, went on Look North to say “I can’t believe it’s all gone!” A resident of the street below, we got her story first-hand a couple of days later when she returned from a restorative woodland walk. As they were insured, I was flummoxed by crowd-funding for those affected.

Saturday, I bumped into German Friend and Counsellor Friend. Bantering on the trials of shopping and the oddness of Steampunk and classic car weekend coinciding, I mentioned we’d go see the old bangers Sunday. Counsellor Friend quipped: “Talking about yourself? Ha, ha.” “Cheeky! It’s a touchy subject. I’m 60 in a month.” “Oh no! That means my brother is too and I’ve sent him nowt.” German Friend confided 60 didn’t feel that bad. As she waved bye, I briefly recounted our travails to Counsellor Friend then apologised for cheerless rabbiting.

Sunday in the park was indeed weird. Were the punters steam-gammons or gammon-punks? As well as admiring the classics, providing Phil a month’s worth of photo-editing, we bought a mini table vice, prompting a ditty to the tune of edelweiss and perused the extortionate ‘food court’. Heading into town, we browsed the squat library, eyed suspiciously by young anarcho-punks. I was reading them old classics before their parents were born!

A couple of weeks later, the squat windows were smashed; there were some nasty people about, but I had to chuckle at handwritten notices threatening court to anyone who entered without their permission – very anarchistic! Finding nothing tempting on the steampunk market or normal Sunday market, we got pasties and pop from the shop and sat near the wavy steps to watch the antics of poseurs, dogs and kids in kilts, becoming rather warm in the strong sun. Sauntering home, we chatted to Irish Neighbour clearing up dead trees on the street, about the town being packed with tourists, inflation, Brexit and the war, leading to another apology for being so depressing!

Covid deaths fell 11% for the first time since June. King’s College research put long-covid in 3 categories: neurological; breathing; other symptoms. Predicting recession in the last quarter and lasting into 2023. the BoE raised the interest rate to 1.75%. Andrew Bailey blamed Russia for rising energy costs. Gammons were still in denial it was anything to do with Brexit. Trussed-Up repeated she’d lower taxes ‘from day one’ rather than give cost of living handouts, and Rishi Rich said if they didn’t get inflation under control, tories could ‘kiss goodbye’ to the next election. Meanwhile, 52% of people polled, now found a pint unaffordable. BT workers on strike, Lisa Nandy joined a CWU picket line in Wigan. As they were affiliated to labour, she had permission and didn’t speak to the media, she incurred no wrath, unlike Tarry. Locked into a 4-year 2% pay deal, junior doctors would get less than NHS colleagues. The BMA wrote to Rishi and Truss urging them to prevent an inevitable strike. Offered a paltry 2%, Scottish bin men struck for the duration of the Edinburgh fringe. Accused of ‘levelling down’, Trussed-Up ditched plans for public sector regional pay boards. Amid hacking fears, GCHQ delayed mailing of tory leadership ballot papers. Lord Cruddas said a vote for Boris would stop interference. Horrifyingly, he’d probably be back after she fucked up. The New Statesman obtained a video wherein Rishi boasted of diverting funds from deprived urban areas to places that ‘really deserved it’ like Tunbridge Wells. Chair of red wall tory northerners, Jake Berry, wasn’t impressed. Nandy wrote to her counterpart Greg Clark to ‘urgently investigate’ saying: “It’s scandalous that Rishi Sunak is openly boasting that he fixed the rules to funnel taxpayers’ money to prosperous Tory shires.”

Amid reports of traffickers reducing prices in a competitive market, 14 boats arrived in Ramsgate, each carrying 50 people. The record 700 migrants on a single day were bussed in double-deckers. Ship Razoni set off to full of Ukrainian grain at long last. Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan prompted Chinese military exercises, reports of fighter jet incursions into Taiwanese airspace and the firing of 11 missiles. China later halted co-operation with the US in key areas such as climate change, military talks and combating international crime, and sanctioned Pelosi. Why the hell did the daft woman go there? Jaswant Singh Chail, arrested on Christmas day for possessing a loaded crossbow with intent to harm Queenie at Windsor Castle, was charged under the treason act. In a bid to reserve dwindling water supplies, hosepipe bans were announced in Hants, Kent and Sussex. After Useless George told The Torygraph there should be a national ban, water companies were derided for impractical water-saving tips. We Own It gasped: ‘who has an oak barrel?’ As a burst water main flooded Hornsey Road, George Monbiot told Jeremy Vine it was no surprise water companies piped profits into shareholders’ pockets instead of investing in infrastructure. James Gammon was the only one who didn’t agree they should be nationalised. A dad bathing with his kids found a stash of dumped guns in a river pool in Catford. Harry Gration’s funeral took place at York Minster while Issey Miyake was buried before the news of his demise broke. Roy Hackett (equality campaigner and founder of the Bristol bus boycott paving the way for the Race Relations Act), also died. Surely that solved the issue of whose statue should replace Colston? A new super-fast mapping device on the William Herschel telescope would help analyse how the galaxy was formed. Maybe they should’ve detected lumps of Space X which landed in a farmer’s field in New South Wales. Rather than demand compo, they could sell it back to Elon Musk or flog it on e-bay. A Halifax woman hilariously electrocuted hoovering her fake lawn, was saved from death by awful rubber shoes.

Taxing Times

Headaches, befuddlement, hot flushes and melancholia plagued the second week of August. Although sometimes too fatigued to exercise, I managed to not stay abed. To top it all, a series of tech issues made the laptop sluggish and the ipad suddenly decided I needed to verify my Apple account and my date of birth was wrong! Phil located the freephone number for a human to eventually sort it, but the palaver was very stressful. Almost as bad as trying to extract dosh from a piddly stakeholder pension. Over-complicated and a total con (why did I have to pay tax when I’d already paid it on earnings?), after advice from Moneywise, I gave up. Neighbours all abroad in the hot spell, idle chatter brought light relief although I avoided the WhatsApp group to oppose new affordable housing and close contact with The Widower, whose daughter came to look after him and ended up bedridden with suspected covid!

Tempted by a co-op deal of pizzas and beer for a fiver, I couldn’t find the 4-pack. A staff member located it ‘on the beer shelf’. “Which one?” When I told him I’d got no reply to my complaint to HO, he requested I let him know if I did. After greeting a woman on the street below for the first time on the way, she and her partner sat out on deckchairs on my return. I remarked on their extremely fluffy cat. “Yes, it must be hot.” “I was thinking that; I know they like sun but there are limits!” Sunday, we visited the favoured clough to find it so dry we could walk up the brook – a secret gorge! (see Cool Placesⁱ). We also noticed felled red leaves due to hot, dry conditions. BBC Breakfast later mentioned the ‘false autumn’. A notice on the convenience store advertised part-time vacancies. Phil had a new job within weeks. I was chuffed for him, not because of the money but because it boosted his self-esteem. Interesting fact: the stores’ huge basement extended to the marketplace – a possible history photo project. Struggling to sleep with hot flushes and drippy sweats over the weekend, I had weird dreams. One entailed ex-colleagues in workplace scenarios giving me food and cash in an envelope marked ‘office reserves’. In another, Walking Friend and I used a shortcut to the airport via a college with lots of rooms. It looked familiar like I’d previously dreamt the place, while simultaneously feeling as though I should and shouldn’t be there.

7,000 extra NHS beds were planned for winter but there wouldn’t be enough staff. Ending a 3-month lockdown after allegedly only 74 deaths, Kim Jong-un proclaimed a North Korean victory over covid. The UK economy shrank by 0.1% April-June. Firms still waiting for business rate rebates promised during the pandemic, ¾ of restaurant chains made a loss. National Energy Action wanted help urgently; the later it came, the more people would die in cold homes. Protesting soaring bills, the social media movement Don’t Pay UK gained momentum, but not paying could lead to more problems. Jack Munro advised reducing prices for all and switching from DD to standing order payments, depending on penalties. ¾ of red wall tory voters reckoned government failed to tackle the cost of living crisis. Gordy Brown and CBI boss Tony Danker also wanted something urgent. Number 10 said that would be up to the new PM and ministers drew up options for whoever that would be (as if we didn’t know). Danker spluttered: “We simply cannot afford a summer of government inactivity while the leadership contest plays out followed by a slow start from a new PM and cabinet.” Boris shocked energy bosses by actually turning up to a meeting with Kwasi Modo and Nads Zahawi who inanely said it was tough times. Trussed-Up said profits weren’t dirty and windfall taxes were about ‘bashing business’. We Own It found 3/5 supported public ownership of utilities and the Tony Blair institute reckoned Truss’s plans would save low income households a mighty 76p per month. Nurses asking for a 16% rise (which they’d never get) took part in a strike ballot. BBC leadership interviews avoided, later in the month, Trussed-Up insisted she was too busy to speak to Nick Robinson. After Rishi said he’d bin it, Ben Wally scrapped the muted migrant camp at Linton-On-Ouse. Of 7 cities shortlisted to host Eurovision 2023, Glasgow was shockingly the only one outside England. During chaos in Oxford Street not reported in mainstream media, American candy shops were looted, Ferraris jumped on, police assaulted and a dispersal order enforced. The legal test for prosecution not met, CPS dropped charges against 6 attendees at the Sarah Everard vigil, March 2021. Dania Al-Obeid subsequently brought civil proceedings against The Met. Salman Rushdie was stabbed preparing to give a lecture in NY state. More wildfires in Portugal, Spain, Southern France and England, new heat warnings were issued and official droughts declared in parts of south and east England. Introducing a hosepipe ban, Thames Water dished out bottled water due to a glitch. The ban came to Yorkshire 26^th August. Half of Europe parched, Naga Manchette was ‘shocked’ by a dry Rhine. The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Florida house and later disclosed they found 100 ‘top secret’ document – all a conspiracy of course! Olivia Newton John and Raymond Briggs died. A moving tribute to the latter on The Beeb was followed by Ethel & Earnest.

Shocking Disparities

A boring start to week 3, I was cheered by charity shopping (finding a cute shirt in the Community Shop) and lunch with Walking Friend Wednesday. Seeking a change, we headed for The Kitchen but ran away from exorbitant prices. Walking Friend queried where would we get cheaper in this town? One of our usual places of course! After baked potatoes at half price in The Tearooms, we wandered town and gazed upon the weir. She told me she once found a safe with the back blown off in a brook. Was it from a heist? Phil had arranged to put a picture up for her Friday, but as more problems were unearthed, he delayed doing anything more till a spark had a proper look. Glad of no cooking after a day decorating alone, I noted the cold tapas was rather pricey. Phil predicted eating more chicken nuggets in future. I used to scoff at people saying eating fresh was more expensive than junk, but Inflation at a record 10.1% and groceries up 11.6%, it really was now! Sunday, we returned to the foraging grounds for a couple of pounds of blackberries. Enjoyable but knackering, I managed to splatter my jeans in purple juice (See Cool Places).

Effective against the original Wuhan and Omicron strains of coronavirus, Moderna’s new bivalent vaccine would provide 13 of the 26 million autumn booster doses. We were counselled to take up whatever was offered. As roll-out was confirmed from 5^th September, starting with the housebound and care homes, GPs warned £10.60 per jab wasn’t enough to ensure delivery. US scientists found musical instruments no worse spreaders than normal breathing. SNP MP Margaret Farrier pleaded guilty to exposing the public to covid travelling by train between London and Glasgow, September 2020. Monkeypox cases plateaued at 20 a day, but vaccine shortages caused concern. Northern mayors feared drastic bus service cuts when coronavirus support ended and Heathrow extended the cap on passengers until 29^th October. Calling them lame, Mike O’Leary pledged to save half-term with extra Stanstead flights. At the end of August, Ryanair announced more winter flights than ever while Eurostar still recovering from the pandemic’s impact, would axe direct London services to Disneyland Paris next year. Generation Covid who’d missed out on GCSE exams, received A level and T level results. Less students achieving top grades than when based on teacher assessments in 2021, record numbers progressed to university. A stark divide between private and public schools, a shocking disparity between the South East and North East was blamed on the disproportionate impact of lockdowns (11% versus 15% lessons missed). A week later, GCSE results showed similar regional differences, with almost 1/3 above grade 7/A in London, compared to around 1/5 in the North East, Yorks and Humber, due to poverty and lost learning. Pearson’s BTEC results delayed, labour urged Ofqual to investigate what went wrong. As The Bumbler was on his hols again, Tory donor Lord Rose said he was on shore leave. Keir also accused of being MIA, labour set out plans to cancel the £400 energy payments and freeze the price cap instead. The £29 bn outlay would be paid for by windfall tax changes, more income from bigger oil and gas prices and lower inflation making government loans less costly. No authority to implement plans, it heaped pressure on the government to do more.

ONS data showed private sector ay rose 5.4% compared to 1.8% for the public sector. Wages fell 3% in real terms. Richard Walker told BBC Breakfast about Iceland’s partnership with Fair For You, giving micro-loans so the hard-up could buy food. 18-month pilots revealed few defaulted, with easy terms of £1 a week if they did. Avanti West Coast reduced their timetable due to staff ‘making themselves unavailable’, and cancelled advance ticket sales till 11^th September. Avanti MD Phil Whittingham resigned 15^th September, exposing his lies that less services were staffs’ fault. More strikes on 18^th and 20^th August saw 4/5 trains cancelled and Jeremy Corbyn on the Euston picket line. RMT members joined TFL pickets Friday. Mick Lynch said workers in other sectors were winning pay disputes and the public were increasingly behind them. DOT pledged a below-inflation rail fare rise, delayed until March – so less than 11.% then! P&O unbelievably wouldn’t face criminal charges for sacking staff. After polio was found in the sewage of 8 London boroughs, child vaccines became urgent. Water companies scandalously leaked 3bn litres a day and gave bosses 18% bonuses. Downpours didn’t alleviate droughts as instead of soaking into the ground, rain caused flash-flooding in Market Raisin and raw sewage dumps led to warnings on 60 beaches, largely along the south coast but also at Morecambe and Robin Hoods Bay. Signs warned Lake Windermere visitors of blooming algae – that’d be the poo then! 20,000 arriving in dinghies so far this year, the High Court heard an adviser told government Rwanda wasn’t safe for migrants. Concerns over the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant mounting, Erdogan met Vlod in Lviv to agree parameters of an International Atomic Agency mission. Pro-Putin commentator Darya Duginer (daughter of Alexander aka Rasputin), was killed by a car bomb. Outspokenly in support of the invasion, Ukraine denied involvement. The demise of Wolfgang Peterson meant no more Das Boot.

A Shock To The System

Towards the end of the month, I battled with achiness, demotivation and occasional tearfulness, to submit my autumn contribution to Valley Life magazine and attend the blood test appointment. A bruise-like mark later marred the crook of my elbow. Phil said: “That’s normal – you should see druggies’ arms.” “I don’t want to look like a junkie! Nothing else untoward, I thought right, where’s my HRT then? Despite several attempts, I failed to speak to a GP let alone get any. The weather reverting to type, scantily-clad tourists still stalked the town, idiotically looking in windows. “Ooh! A shoe shop!” Did they not have shoes where they came from? Feeling low midweek, soft evening light tempted us on a stroll along the canal and back through the park where teenagers did what teenagers do. Over the bank holiday weekend, we finished the living room revamp. Cleaning paintbrushes outside, a Local Historian toddled up for the first proper chat ever. She informed us she founded Valley Life and invited us to look at her vast Alice Longstaff collection which was nice. Breaking from DIY Sunday, we foraged to and from the hilltop village, competing with hunting spiders and supping butterflies. Wild apples augmented our berry harvest. After baking a massive crumble, there was enough to make jam. Phil suggested adding liqueur to the last smidge creating delicious jambuca. Slimmer pickings for a co-op top-up, the mentally-challenged cashier asked for £22. “Eh? That’s an expensive cabbage!” Phil was disgruntled by a lack of bank holiday fun but I was pleased we’d made progress, unlike with birthday and vacation plans. Anxious on Tuesday at a lack of preparedness, I failed to find any £1 tickets promised by Northern Rail, booked flexible off-peak returns to Scarborough and faffed saving e-tickets. I also booked the Cypriot restaurant for a birthday lunch, inviting Waling Friend. The next day, we went up to hers via a hidden path which mysteriously wound round above our street. As I gave her a jar of jam, she remarked she already had loads from an honesty box and a recent glut of plums on her terrace; but ours was a triumph! Phil took measurements for a spare part and got her kettle working so she could make a cuppa. On departure, she gave me a book and a selection of tiny jars of sparkles for crafting, vowing to stop buying stuff from Wish. This prompted a tirade on rising costs and not having a government. “Don’t get depressed.” She counselled. “I’m always depressed; it’s just a question of degrees!”

That evening, Aslef announced strikes on 15^th and 17^th September. No returning a day early to avoid the 9.00 a.m. check-out, a second begging attempt to the holiday let office mercifully resulted in an extension.

UK covid cases still falling, kids had less. ONS said they’d closely monitor rates when schools returned. The Covid alert fell from level 3 to 2 – I didn’t even know that was still a thing! It belied over 500 weekly fatalities with the death rate 18% above average for the time of year. Filipino kids went back to school wearing masks. No live classes for 2 years, 10 year olds were illiterate. Japan in the midst of a wave since July, PM Fumio Kishida tested positive. Anti-lockdowners Martin Hockridge and 3 others got 12-month community orders for harassing Nick Watt in June 2021.

ONS data for July revealed excess deaths during the heatwave; 7% higher than the daily average. GPs prescribed walking and cycling to combat mental health issues in several test areas including Bradford. Hints they could prescribe gas discounts prompted Wes Streeting to guffaw that government had ‘lost the plot’. Cineworld bankrupt, they continued trading, pending re-structure. Asda bought 129 co-op forecourts and 3 sites to cut co-op debt, sparking competition concerns. Sainsburys announced the scrapping of ‘use by dates’ on yogurt and pledged £65m to keep prices down. Lidl would take on 10,000 extra staff, provide them free Christmas dinners, and sold wonky veg stunted by drought, advocating other supermarkets follow suit.

Inflation forecast to reach 18%, ahead of setting a new energy price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged government to double support or freeze suppliers’ charges. Rishi insisted he had the right priorities and Keir, looking like a nob in a hardhat, said labour had a plan. EDF warned half of households could face fuel poverty in winter, while SSE’s Seagreen Wind Farm turbines started spinning. Chip shops facing ‘extinction’, as, amongst other things, the price of cod bizarrely went up because of the war, pub chains wrote to government for help in preventing closures, but Nads was on a beano in America discussing long-term solutions to the gas crisis instead of sorting out immediate problems. He helpfully told The Torygraph the ‘national economic emergency’ would likely last 2 years. The Small Business Federation sought pandemic-style aid for companies. As the energy price cap rose to £3,549, Cornwall insight who correctly predicted the amount, warned it’d be £5k by Jan. Rachel Reeves wanted it cancelled.

Responsible for the 80% hike, Ofgem brazenly said government must act. Saying they knew this was coming for months, Martin Lewis bade they let us know now what further help there’d be. BG pledged 10% of profits to help the poorest customers, leaving 95% with nothing extra. Nads working ‘flat out’ on options, Useless George reiterated it was wrong to implement any until we had a new PM, and it’d be at the top of their in-tray – I should hope so! Not mentioning the hike, Rishi spoke of a mistake empowering scientists in the coronavirus response and not paying enough attention to longer-term impacts of lockdowns such as kids missing school and the NHS backlog. Posing in a hi-viz jacket to look at fibre optic cables, Boris lied that he wasn’t shrinking from the issues and more help was coming. He’d done nothing useful and would be gone in a week! Keir appeared on Jeremy Vine to say public ownership of utility companies wouldn’t bring prices down, omitting to mention government could use profits to subsidise bills and invest in infrastructure and renewables. Resolution Foundation predicted a 10% fall in mean disposable income in 2022 and 14m in poverty 2023-4. Saying it’d affect 10m kids, Institute of Health Equity boss Prof Michael Marmot said it’d affect 10m kids and it wasn’t an ‘abstract discussion’.

Seeing no end to the awful state we were in, I added: ‘things can only get shitter!’ Phil reckoned Brexit would eventually sort out with a new government but not energy costs. The European strategy of relying on Russia worse and Gazprom cutting their gas supply allegedly for maintenance, Macron told the French it was the new normal. Nowt like a rich cunt telling you to get used to being poor! But at least they offered more short-term assistance.

Offered a £500 lump sum and 7% more pay, dockworkers at Felixstowe Port began an 8-day strike. Incensed at disrupted supplies, Daily Mail readers decried the communist plot. Wanting a 20% rise but offered 15%, barristers announced an indefinite strike from 5^th September. One who used to work in a coffee shop, echoed my line that she was better off as a barista. Urging labour to ‘get a spine’ and stand up for workers, Unite’s Sharon Graham called for co-ordinated or overlapping strikes to cause maximum impact.

Journalists offered 3% at Reach newspaper group (Mirror, Express and MEN) walked out. Further action in September was postponed. Postal workers struck again at the end August and 8^th & 9^th Sept. At least I could pretend that was the reason for hardly any birthday cards! In a keynote speech to the Edinburgh TV festival, Emily Maitlis said tory cronyism was at the heart of the BBC with former Mrs May spin doctor and adviser to GB News Robbie Gibb, on the board. A record 1,295 migrants in 27 boats, crossed the channel. Only 21 of 52,000 ‘illegal’ arrivals expelled post-Brexit, Nasty Patel launched a Rapid Removal Scheme to fly Albanian migrants back within hours. Yet another madcap idea that would never happen!

Ukraine independence day landed exactly six month after the start of the invasion. Security was tightened, celebrations banned and captured Russian tanks lined Kyiv streets. Boris went to parade with Vlod and get the order of liberty medal – what a twat! Meanwhile, Kharkiv and Chaplyne were shelled and Vlad The Impaler announced a 13% increase in the Russian army in 2023 – a far cry from glasnost on the day Mikhail Gorbachev died. With over 1,000 dead, Pakistan appealed for help dealing with floods. NASA released coloured-in pictures of Jupiter from the James Webb telescope and aborted take-off of the Space Launch System to the moon as part of the Artemis project. Due to a hydrogen leak, more failed attempts followed at the weekend. Cambridge and Caltech boffins made mice from stem cells.

Reference:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 105 – Jubilation?

“The PM has repeatedly shown he is unable to uphold (British) values and the reaction of the public at St Paul’s showed they know it too” (Lucy Powell)

Imperial Nonsense

The wee hours of 1^st June, I dreamt of sitting in an ambulance wearing a face-mask. Odd having a covid dream after so long, was it a premonition of another wave? OneDrive did 500,000 ‘processes’. No idea what the heck they were, Phil managed to stop them so I could use the laptop. Bank statements revealed my benefit increased mid-April by a mega £3.50 a week – not even enough for a pint! Putting stuff in cupboards, a small pot fell out to land in the cafetiere. Another one bites the dust! Thank god for the spare.

In his annual report, Lord Geidt said whether Boris’ fine broke the ministerial code, was a ‘legitimate question’. The Bumbler replied he took full responsibility, had apologised to The House, there was no intent to break rules, paying a FPN wasn’t a criminal offence and quitting over ‘miserable’ Partygate was irresponsible amid ‘huge pressure’ on the economy, war and a ‘massive agenda’ he was elected to deliver. Did he mean Brexit? Rabid Raab insisted a confidence vote wasn’t imminent. Lisa Nandy called it ‘a damning indictment’ of the PMs leadership: “that successive ethics advisers…feel they can’t trust (his) integrity…This is a government that is rotten to the core, that the rot (sic) starts from the top.” Airport chaos worse during half-term, Tui cancelled 200 Manchester flights. Sharon Graham said aviation bosses slashing wages and sacking staff during the pandemic, got rich on high profits and low pay. Reaping what they’d sown, they should hang their heads in shame. Quite! Why book people on holidays they couldn’t get to? In defence, Airlines UK said they didn’t know exactly when all restrictions would be lifted nor how much travel would be possible by summer. Raab demanded airlines, airports and ground handlers met him to discuss over-booking and ill-preparedness. Dreadful Doris announced Bradford as UK City of Culture 2025. Maybe they’d clean up the Odeon and fill in the big hole for the festival of dire youff poetry.

Sun tempted me to don the new dress and open windows Thursday. News stopped for Platty Joobs, we joked the so-called pageant would be the largest handmade parade in history, remembered jubblys (still available) and invented retro 1950’s dishes such as jubilee potato – just potato. YouGov found only 9% of young people thought the royals relevant. Nevertheless, we broke the rule of no lunchtime telly for the flypast. Definitely the highlight of the day’s celebrations with all the planes and helicopters, Queenie with selected family on Buck House’s balcony, seemed impressed by the forming of a ‘70’ in the sky. Enough nonsense, I hung washing out. The Woman Next Door assured me it wouldn’t rain but the day didn’t live up to the billing of wall-to-wall sunshine. Increasingly convinced the forecast was a conspiracy, maybe I shouldn’t have told her that! The only sign of royalism in the co-op a woman wearing a cheap t-shirt emblazoned with ‘happy jubilee’, Phil found an infestation of red gammons in town. They didn’t need sun, just beer! Making a courgette and lemon cake was easy except I grated my thumb knuckle. Icing it the next day, I wished I’d remembered the unopened Sicilian lemon essence earlier.

Oldies at a Jeremy Vine jubilee party Friday, I guffawed at an engrossed Phil but agreed their reminiscences were sociologically interesting. Putting the telly back on for St Paul’s chimes, we mistimed it to see Boris speaking. He and Carrie got booed going to the thanksgiving service. Too much after the excitement of the flypast, Queenie missed it. Justin Welby and Randy Andy missed it as they had covid – ha! ha! We left the bells ringing for 4 hours to visit a favoured clough. Coming back, we found a roll of old maps at a street corner and the town centre chocka; like any weekend except for the odd bit of bunting and flags in shop windows creating a patriotic enclave near the micro pub (see Cool Placesⁱ).

A consultation began on restoring the crown to pint glasses and pounds and ounces in shops. Chris Philp ((aka American Psycho Patrick Bateman) said imperial measures were universally understood and would bring ‘a bit of our national culture and heritage back on the top shelf’. Alicia Kearns called it a load of imperial nonsense, Asda boss Lord Rose called it ‘utter nonsense’, National Market Traders Fed said it’d just create hassle and historian Mary Beard termed the debate a ‘nostalgia war’. Harry Styles at number 1, the Sex Pistols didn’t get in the top 10. We didn’t bother digging out those Stuff The Jubilee badges! 100 days since the invasion, Russia controlled 1/5 of Ukraine. Uncle Joe pledged more weapons and urged a change in US gun laws after mass shootings in May killed Texan primary schoolkids.

Saturday, we investigated the route of Younger Brothers’ sponsored Leeds-Liverpool canal bike ride next weekend. Doubting we’d be up on time to cheer him, Phil was keen to visit the wonder of the ‘straight mile’ sometime. The smattering of stalls and displays at the art launch rather underwhelming, it did include our crossings workshop poems.

We had a bash at Tetra Pak printing with The Printer. No tracing option, I called over to my old drawing teacher nearby: “You know how rubbish my drawing is!” She chuckled. Using styli, I etched a lopsided butterfly and Phil a very detailed bee, the antenna drooping as he ran out of space. He again whinged kids’ efforts were better, especially Ben The Caterpillar. We washed ink off our hands and wandered up the riverside.

Rippling with colour, tiny bugs with transparent wings hid on leafy stems; only visible on zoomed-in photos. Surprised to see the crap market on, we battled through a packed square to ask for lavender oil at the aromatherapy stall. The price almost doubled in 2 years, I gave it a miss. We found a few bargains in convenience stores, browsed the new witch bookshop (aka Harry Potter emporium) and waylaid an erstwhile pub mate going to a trad pub for a Jive Bunny disco.

Phil’s back pain worse Sunday, I thought it maybe from hunching over the etching or going out the house 2 days running. Cold, grey and damp, we stayed in. 20 years ago we might have gone for Gin and Pimm’s at the canalside pub before nicking cake at the parish church garden party. More sedate these days, I wrote a haigaⁱⁱ and tackled the landing. Planning to clean the rug, by the time I’d hoovered and rebuilt a tripod storage basket which predictably collapsed, I was knackered. A blissfully unaware Phil didn’t hear the clattering and swearing! Sleep mediocre, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a decent night.

Shats told Sophie Raworth other countries had airport staff shortages. Nowt to do with Brexit, there’d be no special visas for foreign workers. Touring with Jeff Beck, a ‘humble’ Johnny Depp spent £50,000 on a Brummie curry. After 4 days’ hard toadying by her subjects, Queenie appeared on Buck House’ balcony. Saying she was ‘humbled’, took the biscuit! Lucy Powell wrote in The Guardian that as labour captured British values, cherished institutions and believed our best days were ahead, they enshrined patriotic principles more than tories. Short-term ‘red meat’ policies like selling Channel 4 and reverting to imperial measures, diminished our global reputation, cost jobs and denied us ‘moments of togetherness’. Grimsby Town returned to league football and Wales beat Ukraine to reach the world cup. A jubilant Gareth Bale said the ‘crazy journey’ was ‘literally what dreams are made of’.

Monday mostly spent on admin, I thanked The Researcher for posting my takeover blog and discovered the main Crossings expo was at the town hall next Saturday, for one day only until it moved elsewhere. Why such short notice? I read a letter from NHS pensions and registered to access details online. Unsure if getting the paltry amount now would affect my benefit, I rang and spoke to a nice Geordie. He didn’t know but clarified I could draw on it anytime after my next birthday. As it would go up with inflation, I decided to leave it ‘til I really needed it, which might not be long the way things were going!

Thousands stranded by cancelled flights at the end of half-term and Platty Joobs, those who made it back faced Yorkshire bus and London tube strikes. Jesse Norman published his letter to Boris saying the Gray report showed he ‘presided over a culture of casual law-breaking’ and to describe himself as ‘vindicated’ was ‘grotesque’. He also lambasted the Rwanda policy, selling channel 4, the ‘foolhardy and illegal’ Northern Ireland policy, banning noisy protests and no ‘sense of mission’. In letters to the 1922 committee, MPs cited the St Pauls booing and jitters before 2 byelections. Some post-dated until after the long weekend, the threshold of 54 was reached. Hoping to ‘draw a line’ under it, Boris wrote to all his MPs and addressed the committee before the evening’s confidence vote. He won by a mere 68. As reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street at teatime, they ignored a woman in a taffeta dress posing at the shiny door and in the evening, Bella Ciao blasting in the background. Pressure Drop Brewery reduced staff work time from 5 to 4 days for the same pay. ONS reckoned UK coronavirus restrictions led to £140bn ‘forced savings’. I bet tories hated that! Twitter failing to supply fake account info, Elon Musk threatened to pull out of the deal.

Waking with a claggy throat Tuesday, I moped and almost stayed abed but didn’t. Opening a pack of coffee, I discovered Ocado sent beans instead of granules. Grinding them tedious, I dossed with a cuppa and started draft-posting the journal before going to the co-op. Previously just grabbing essential milk, I red shelf labels to note a 4-pinter was almost ½ price by volume. How had I missed that money saver?

Heartless tory Brendan Clark-Smith moaned to Jeremy Vine that people used ‘personal tragedy’ to try ousting the PM. Speculation continuing on his future, Boris thanked cabinet for their support and vowed to get on with the people’s business, level up, cut government spending and taxes. He told them to look at ways to reduce costs and drive reform. PAC reported Levelling Up decisions gambled taxpayers’ money on slogans. Will Haigh likened the PM to a mad pilot who’d locked himself in the cockpit and being inducted into the Order of the Bath, Pat Vallance was ‘disappointed’ by the rule-flouting. Labour urged The House to vote for committee for standards in public life recommendations giving Geidt powers to initiate investigations into ministerial code breaches. 79 migrants brought ashore, 10,000 made dodgy channel crossings so far this year. Russia in control of ½ Donbas, Vlod said ‘heroic’ defence of the region continued. Calling him a concrete friend to Ukraine, he was jubilant Boris survived the confidence vote. Talks failing, RMT announced another tube strike 21^st June and the first national action in 30 years affecting Network Rail and 13 TOCs on 3 days later in June. Monkeypox became a notifiable disease.

Downward Spiral

Overnight indigestion persisting into Wednesday, I exercised through discomfort, moved tons of clothes (drying ridiculously slowly for June) and vacuumed the living room, finding an easter chick beneath the sofa and a wine stain on the throw. On the front bench at PMQs, Trussed-Up Liz resembled a corpse. Saying the confidence vote showed his own party loathed the PM, Angela Eagle asked if they didn’t trust him, why should we? Boris harped on about those imaginary high-wage, high-skilled jobs. Ian Blackford referenced Monty Python’s Black Knight: ‘it’s only a flesh wound’. Rather than laying into the PM, Keir dwelt on the NHS’s GP shortage, decrepit buildings, waiting times and ambulances arriving after patients died. I hated to agree with Boris that the line of attack wasn’t working. Goblin Saj later waded into a row on NHS Digital removing the word ‘woman’ from advice on cervical and ovarian cancer. As if there weren’t bigger things to worry about! Costs spiralling out of control, the HS2 West Coast mainline link was cancelled, thus rendering the project an expensive Brummie commuter line. Esther McVey wanted it scrapped altogether.

I posted a journal entry and again baffled by the short notice, shared a Crossings expo poster attached to an e-mail. Fatigue, aches and pains mitigated against a planned trip to Shopping Town but Phil wanted gentle back exercise. Strolling down the street, he photographed doors. A neighbour entered her house as he took a snap. “Do you like my door?” Noting the lovely entrance tiles, she asked did he want another pic? “No, just the door!” She didn’t think we were nuts at all!

We wandered terraced backstreets for more doors and spectacular grasses until needing refreshment, we got pop from the shop and sat on the riverside. On the way back, we chatted over the wall to New Gran drinking outside the corner pub, about jubilee weekend antics and her recent birthday. Having disappeared from her profile, I wasn’t sure of the exact date.

UK GDP stagnating, the OECD growth forecast dropped to 3.64% for 2022 and 0% for 2023. Minimum pricing in Scotland backfired as drinkers stinted on food to buy alcohol. Was that what pub-goers round here did? Network Rail contingency planning, the RMT said they were open to ‘meaningful discussions’. Admitting a vacancy freeze, TfL insisted there’d be no redundancies or pension changes. The WTO warned of a global food crisis due to the blockade. The UN held talks in Turkey for a grain corridor and Russia demanded Ukraine removed mines first.

Shopping on Thursday, even reduced stuff was beyond budget. I wasn’t surprised hard-up families skipped meals, according to charities. I jested with My Mate at the till that Phil’s back problem conveniently meant he couldn’t carry shopping. On the way back, 3 geese waddled down the road with a pair of adorable fluffy yellow goslings. Unconsciously exclaiming ‘aww!’ I observed nobody else stopped to look – miserable gits!

Speaking in Blackpool, Boris maintained we couldn’t spend our way out of the cost of living crisis and higher wages would push up prices, leading to a 1970’s-style spiral of stagflation. Unions decried abandonment of the high-wage, high-skilled economy pledge. The latest wheeze to shore up support was extending ‘right to buy’. Including housing associations, housing benefit could be used to pay off or apply for mortgages, with a ‘help to buy ISA’ – good luck saving a deposit on the crap interest rate! He vowed a house would be built for everyone sold. Not the 30,000 formerly promised, Keir cited a pilot in Small Heath where homes weren’t rebuilt as it cost more than what they sold for. The re-hashed plans ‘baffling, unworkable and a dangerous gimmick’, Shelter’s Polly Neafe predicted we’d be “stuck in the same destructive cycle of selling off and knocking down 1,000s more social homes than get built.” On QT, Psycho Bateman said every house sold meant a family off the waiting list. Care4Calais, Detention Action and PCSU* asked the high court for an injunction to stop the first Rwanda flight. Bonnie Prince Charlie called the policy ‘appalling’ and a caller to Jeremy Vine advocated unused boats intercept and process migrants in The Channel and blow them up! The case lost, an appeal was due Monday. Aslef drivers striking on different dates late June, TSSA balloted Avanti West Coast staff. PAC criticised DHSC for burning unused PPE from the start of the pandemic. Europe’s largest Spinosaurus was discovered on the Isle Of Wight.

Worried a headache presaged illness Friday morning, I minimised exercise and chores, posted a blog and managed an afternoon walk. We crossed to the church garden where one gosling slept and the other hid beneath an adult’s wing, before heading up to woods and farmland (see Cool Places). Coming back on the towpath, the Canal Dweller loudly declared he loved my Valley Life articles and a man resembling Dave Angel walked ahead of us, prompting a chorus of Moonlight Shadow.

Due to increased transmissibility of the 2 newest Omicron variants (BA.4 and BA.5), covid rates in England went up for the first time since April. Unable to wait for council tax rebate cheques to clear, the hard-up queued to cash them at pawnbrokers, losing £15 if not turned away. ONS found 52% used less domestic energy, 46%, bought less food and 40% made less non-essential car journeys – not such a bad thing. Minister Heather Wheeler apologised for calling Birmingham and Blackpool godawful places, saying the comment didn’t reflect her actual views.

About to leave the house Saturday, a sudden downpour necessitated the anorak. At the Crossings expo, we spoke to Drawing Teacher at the door and watched the photo slideshow. Overlong with too many from organisers, Phil fidgeted as we waited for mine appear. After seeing all but one, the laptop froze. We left Drawing Teacher and co-volunteers fiddling with it. The square packed with al fresco quaffers, I quipped: “the cost of living crisis biting hard!” Phil said it felt ominous. Did he mean the pub vibe? No, the air. Sure enough, another sharp shower descended. Finding the cake I made last weekend mouldy, I sulked. Phil fed the green stuff to crows and the pigeon squatters and bought one from the co-op to cheer me up.

Loud voices and a revving car woke me early Sunday. Brekkie should’ve been a breeze but a splattered tomato, broken egg, blinding sun and a crashing lid stressed me out. Phil came to the rescue. I insisted we prioritise incomplete chores that he offered to do Thursday, then edited photos, added to the ‘spring animals’ Facebook album, made one of orange and pink flowers and watched telly. Deciding we still liked Waterworld, we wondered if the film got panned 30 years ago because it was ahead of its time.

Commentators all agreeing everything was going to shit, CBI boss Tony Danker said households were going into recession this year; i.e., buying less shit. Leaked before publication Monday, the food strategy contained vague words like ‘initiative’ and ‘liaison’ and no direct interventions such as sugar tax. Getting us to eat venison was the only concrete idea. Schools were ‘deeply disappointed’ at no extension of free meals. 22% of kids eligible, Julie McCulloch of the Assoc. of School and College Leaders said poverty affected closer to 30%. McDonalds re-opened in Russia as Tasty: That’s It. In the US, demos demanded gun law changes to stop the murder of kids and Google engineer Blake Lemoine claimed his AI Lamda was sentient. It considered itself human and feared being turned off, comparing it to death. Accused of anthropomorphism, Lemoine was suspended, but what if he was right?

Relaxation techniques failing to distract me from tummy ache, I slept fitfully and still felt iffy on Monday. Hanging damp towels out in a breeze, neighbours sympathised with the travails of drying laundry in the unheated indoors. Tired from activity, I dossed before posting the haiga and writing. In the co-op later, I could hardly hear myself think – I’d forgotten how noisy it was after school! Using leftover lentils to make surprisingly good pâté, we reminisced about hippy cafés and Phil posted a 1970’s-style art.

The UK economy shrank in April for the second month in a row, further risking recession. The government blamed the negative -0.3% on covid recovery and extra spending. As the Northern Ireland protocol bill was published, Boris went to wear a Hi-Viz and drive a tractor at a farm in Hayle, Cornwall and Micheal Teashop called it a new low point. After all the palaver and whingeing last year, ALW sent a message to the last stage performance of Cinderella that it was a ‘costly mistake.’

After I wasted Tuesday morning applying hot water and defrosting spray to an ice lump in the fridge, Phil hacked it off. Going to the garden, I tripped over the empty dustbin left at the front door and waited for the window cleaner to move his hose, snaking round the corner, so I could put the bin back. I planted sprouted veg ends then attacked overgrown shrubs and creeping weeds. Warmer than it looked from inside, I was about to give up with a hot thirst when Phil emerged wearing a jacket. “Are you off somewhere?” “No.” Realising it wasn’t cold, he took it off and helped sweep debris. Yorkshire ostensibly the best place to see the full Strawberry Supermoon, it was so low here that it hid behind hills.

Wages fell 4.5% in the last quarter when 9% inflation was taken into account. Unemployment was up slightly but vacancies reached a record 1.3 million. 8.8 million inactive due to older workers retiring early during the pandemic, Jon Ashworth accused ministers of ‘utter complacency’. As persistent staff shortages fated airports to more chaos, DfT and CAA instructed airlines to cancel summer flights. Which? told the commons business committee the industry and government must jointly shoulder blame. Petrol at a record high 191.2p per litre, government pulled the plug on the electric car discount. Losing their appeal, Detention Action and PCSU called sending people to Rwanda before a full judicial review in July ‘scandalous’ and the UN High Commission for Refugees said it was ‘all wrong’. Judges assessing the move necessary to deter dangerous crossings could be construed as political. Boris cited criticism from Charlie and CofE grandees and reproached lawyers representing migrants for ‘abetting’ criminal gangs. Instead of the 100 deportations originally planned, Individual case hearings brought the figure down to 12, then 7 then 1. The ECHR stepped in to completely ground the Tuesday night flight to Kigali, saying before establishing legitimacy, there was no legal route back. Undeterred, Rwanda stood ready to welcome migrants and the UK started planning another flight. Two refugees later claimed to have been beaten up and dragged to the plane. Meanwhile, 440 arrived in dinghies. Whitby council banned second homes and the unearthed Blue Peter time capsule from 1981 was opened live on This Morning to reveal a pile of slime – slime capsule!

Coronation Chicken Kiev

The next day starting better than the last few, we made the twice-postponed trip to Shopping Town (see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ). A shame we missed PMQs, as data showing the UK had the second lowest growth rate globally with only Russia worse, Keir went on the attack. He obviously took Rayner’s advice to ‘put more welly into it’! Boris was rebuked for claiming labour were on the side of people traffickers. Nasty Patel Believed the Rwanda plot was fully compliant with domestic and international obligations. Disappointed and surprised by the ECHR decision, she blamed the ‘usual suspects’ and the opposition for thwarting her efforts against the willy of the people. She told MPs prohibitions on flights to Kigali wasn’t an absolute bar and those ordered to be freed would be tagged while relocation was ‘progressed’. Furious tories called for secession from the meddling ECHR. Did they not know The Council of Europe was set up after WWII and had nowt to do with the EU? And I bet they didn’t mind the ECHR intervening in the case of captured Brits fighting in the Donbas sentenced to death! Yvette Coop called it ‘government by gimmick’. Yep, gimmicks for gammons! Lord Geidt resigned. Not saying why in a short public statement, a letter to Boris disclosed later, indicated the final straw wasn’t Partygate but being asked to offer a view on government measures risking ‘a deliberate and purposeful breach of the ministerial code’. Deemed to concern tariffs on Chinese steel, Phil thought it bogus. A fortnight later, government extended the tariffs for 2 years, against WTO rules. The EU triggered further legal action over the NI protocol. Maros Sefcovic said the UK’s unilateral act had ‘no legal nor political justification’. One of the biggest Anglo-Saxon burial sites was uncovered on the HS2 route. At least some good came out of the glorified commuter line!

Cleaning the bedroom Thursday, Phil crawled under the bed to screw a detached leg in place, despite his back. After hoovering, I worked on the journal and pegged bedding out. The Woman Next Door and a friend chatted on her doorstep then promptly went inside – did they fear eavesdropping? In the quiet co-op, my basket totalled just short to use a coupon. The cashier let me grab one more thing for a low-cost shop. I trudged home in blazing sun and persuaded Phil out to the garden. Clearing another debris pile, we observed the myriad life including what he called springtails. Sure they were to blame for my bites, he thought it unlikely as they were a kind of shrimp. Fatigued and overheated again, I lay down.

Expecting GDP to drop by 0.3% this quarter, BOE sent a letter to Rishi stating the obvious on a succession of large economic shocks and raised the interest rate to 1.25%. British Chambers of Commerce moaned it wouldn’t address the global causes of increased business costs and labour worried of the impact on families. Shutting down ½ the rail network, Shats said strikes endangered thousands of jobs and promised legislation to enable the use of agency workers. Unions said that was unsafe and recruitment firms fretted they’d be held responsible for putting temps crossing pickets in harm’s way. On QT, the useless red wall tory said nowt and Thangam Debonnaire claimed the Rwanda ploy already wasn’t working as it didn’t deter dangerous channel crossings. Former ethics adviser Alex Allen told Newscast failure to sack Patel wasn’t the reason he resigned but didn’t explain what was. Sad his mate Geidt was put in a difficult position, he had no plans to re-apply for the post – currently on hold.

The laptop excruciatingly slow after a restart Friday, I didn’t get very far drafting blogs. As I hung another load on the line, The Woman Next Door outside reading, remarked I was always washing. “No; just making use of the good weather.” We walked up to a hillside settlement, enjoying a picnic en route (See Cool Places) and returned via the predictably rammed town centre. Boozing gammons deterred us from a pint. Sweaty and smelly, I showered and lay down to rest. Officially a heatwave, it was greyly muggy when I fetched the laundry in. A dog-walking neighbour agreed it felt like it might rain – it didn’t; for almost a week.

The jubilee bank holiday was blamed for coronavirus spreading across the UK. More hospitalisations but low ICU cases and death, total fatalities stood at 179,363. Boris avoided a conference organised by red wall tories in Doncaster by going to Ukraine, prompting the moniker Chicken Kiev. Newspaper ‘I’ aligned his calls to Vlod with dates bad news broke including Partygate and the confidence vote. Paul Scuzzball said airport staff should work longer hours. Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill knocked Harry Styles off number 1 thanks to Stranger Things. Phil advocated burning a gannet colony infested with bird flu on Bass Rock.

Listening to music Saturday, Black Star made me sad. Not because it was Bowie’s last album but because it was 6 years since the Brexit vote, Jo Cox’s murder, the death of Eldest Brother and Mum going into hospital. I put something cheerier on, edited photos and went to the co-op, spotting a reduced chicken and an old pub mate for the third time in as many weeks after not doing so for years. He did say that would keep happening! Served by a young man at the kiosk, My Mate on the adjacent till stared into space. Not bored, but having a moment. A merc indicating to turn right stopped for me at the zebra and parked on the street below. As I caught up, Councillor Friend got out. “I didn’t recognise you in that posh car!” It was her boss’, who lived in Spain. She’d given it a run to go canvassing in sunny Wakefield (unlike the overcast upper valley).

Plans to tag migrants arriving by boat was condemned for treating those fleeing persecution as criminals. New ambassador for women’s health, Dame Lesley Regan wanted one-stop community hubs and new cost of living tsar David Buttress said private companies must help with rising prices. Saying they did what they could, nice capitalist Richard Walker couldn’t increase wages but gave staff an ‘unprecedented’ 15% discount on Iceland products.

Although wobbly first thing Sunday, I arrived at the market slightly earlier than usual. Stopping to chat with a neighbour untangling roots from a large pot, we had no idea why her normally friendly dog ferociously barked at me. Besides knobbly veg, I found 2 books in the phone-box and bargain herbs in the convenience store. After washing the filthy veg, I collapsed on the sofa to recover and write.

Told on Sunday Morning airline bosses said he didn’t know what he was talking about, Shats sniggered and side-stepped blame for opening and closing borders during the pandemic. After accusing unions of bribing rail workers to strike, he took no responsibility even though he’d not spoken to them for a month, erroneously griped they’d gone on a demo instead of meeting bosses, refused to intervene, dismissed RMT calls for him to do so as a stunt and said there was no class war. Keir reckoned he ‘fed off’ the division. TSSA complained TOCs hadn’t shared plans to shut ticket offices. New army boss Gen Sanders wrote to all soldiers that we needed an army ready to fight Russia. Heatwaves saw 40⁰C temperatures in Europe and monsoon floods killed at least 70 in Bangladesh. US kids aged over 6 months ridiculously qualified for covid jabs.

Chilly after a cold night, Monday became warm and sunny. I ignored a slight headache to strip the chicken carcass before putting food waste out. B&B Man stood on the communal wall pegging sheets, hampering recycling bin access. Still struggling after lunch, Phil suggested sitting in the sun. I snapped back shopping needed doing and some help would be good. He hung washing up while I went to the co-op for a heavy load and recovered with a cuppa outside. Phil joined me the garden bench, made gazebo-like by overhanging freesia. I lazily pulled at weeds and pruned, almost bumping into The Widower on his fourth walk-past. I then attacked an overgrown buddleia on the adjacent steps. Phil helped sweep before a doze amid the sounds of birds and bees, interrupted by Phil chuntering and Walking Friend’s hello, on her way to meet The Poet. I sleepily lay on the bed and briefly nodded off with book in hand. Phil sighing loudly in the evening, I asked what was up. He wasn’t making enough money. The war actually partly responsible for Shitterstock work drying up, he decided to give up the Leeds studio. With hindsight, he could’ve done so ages ago but who knew things would be this shit 2 years on? He rang the council next morning to arrange to vacate within 3 months. Coronation Chicken was a couple of weeks late but made a delicious retro dinner.

2 million with long-covid, Kings College found 50% less chance from Omicron as opposed to Delta. Sufferer Terence Burke won a case to be classed as disabled, clearing the way for an unfair dismissal claim. Last ditch talks to avert strikes fruitless, Psycho Patrick Bateman defended Boris on Newsnight, calling rail practices Spanish and 19^th century. Still refusing to intervene, banging on about modernisation could be seen as incitement. Halfords offered free bike hire. Luggage piling up, Heathrow imposed a cap. EasyJet cut summer flights by 10% and Ryanair promised rescue flights. Their Stanstead base not as badly hit, O’Leary attributed ground staff shortages to Brexit.

Slightly more sleep led to a better start Tuesday. A waning half-moon and sun blazing through the landing window, I wondered was it a solstice phenomenon? English Heritage ludicrously placed netting on Stonehenge to bar nesting jackdaws. We researched local standing stones for our own midsummer jaunt but went to a clough instead. Even in the shade, we struggled with heat and dehydration (see Cool Places).

On the first day of the strike, Keir wrote to shadow ministers telling them not to join RMT picket lines. Diane Abbot was one of several labour MPs to defy him. A Cloudflare crash affected millions of coffee-cuppers working from home. Metro reported on Londoners struggling to work on buses. Lucky for them they weren’t Arriva, in the 3^rd week of striking up north. NEU to ballot teachers on possible industrial action in the autumn unless offered a pay rise above 3%, NHS, fire and postal workers could also strike, after new inflation figures Wednesday and Boris babbling about ‘staying the course’ but promising a return to triple lock pensions meaning a 9.1% increase. Where was the parity? Unite said ‘cost of living’ bonuses up to £3,000 offered to Lloyds and Rolls Royce staff, fell short of what was needed.

No Reasons To Be Cheerful

After lengthily cleaning the kitchen Wednesday, I collapsed on the sofa for PMQs. Not answering a question on allegedly requesting an official appointment for Carrie, Boris wittered about high employment. Keir wanted to know how many meetings ministers held to avert strikes? An evasive PM insisted they were the party of the railways. Keir answered the question – none – yet Boris had time to attend a lavish do and sell a £120,000 meeting. To claims the government blamed everyone else, contradicted each other on pay rises and cuts, rolled over on banker’s bonuses and slashed nurses’ pay, Boris attacked picketing labour MPs and spouted the usual crud on taking tough decisions.

Hanging upstairs rugs on the line to expunge dust, The Widower happened to pass. “Do you have a carpet-beater?” “Somewhere.” While he looked, I used a telescopic duster and Phil used his fists. The Widower not finding the beater, I said: “We’re improvising. Phil’s pretending it’s Boris Johnson, or any other tory of your choice!” Old upholstery spray cleaner meant for cars was effective and quick-drying in the hot sun. Refreshing with homemade pop, I greeted The Decorator backing into the last parking space. The Woman Next Door then stopped right in front of us. In the middle of doing stuff, I politely asked her not to. She said she’d just unload and left the engine running, forcing me to move from the bench. A lovely early evening, the sun briefly reached the nearer bench. I sat with the Kindle watching news until the sun moved out of range and BBC London came on. Planning mushroom pasta for dinner, 2/3 of a value box had gone fuzzy. Not a bargain if you chucked most of them! I thought substitute chilli was ample for 2 days but there wasn’t much left. Phil denied being a greedy git.

NAO reckoned Ofgem added £94 to every household gas bill by letting weak suppliers into the market, leading to collapse. After accusing the government of lying on Newsnight, Mick Lynch asked Carole Gammone on Jeremy Vine ‘what are you even saying?’ Quite! She was in favour of the pensions rise as nobody could live on £250 a week. They and me, lived on half that! Only 50% of northern trains running between strike days, TSSA settled for an extra 7.2% but RMT talks broke down. Lynch said Shats wrecked negotiations ‘by not allowing Network Rail to withdraw their letter threatening redundancy for 2,900 of our members’. Until the government unshackled them and TOCs, there’d be no settlement. Delightfully-named Network Rail negotiator Tim Shovellor insisted the majority of job losses would come from ‘voluntary redundancy and natural wastage’. Were his ancestors steam engine firemen? A clause was hastily added to the Bill of Rights to ignore ECHR injunctions before Rabid Raab presented it to the commons (ref Rwanda). Vaccine-derived polio virus detected in London sewers sparked a nationwide hunt for the culprit and calls for parents to get their sprogs immunised. An Afghanistan earthquake killed 1,000. The useless Taliban halted a search for survivors the next day.

Though warm and still Thursday, cloudy skies deterred me from painting windowsills. Hefting shopping back from the co-op, I was startled by a dog behind a hippy van on the street below barking. Not at me but Next-Door-But-One ahead of me on the steps. Already nervy, my bad mood intensified when the handle on the so-called bag for life broke, tumbling loose mushrooms to the floor. Rain came in the form of a light shower at siesta time, lulling me into a 15 minute snooze.

On the 2^nd day of the rail strike, the local mill café owner whinged of no customers to Look North and Kwasi Modo said using agency staff wouldn’t undermine safety. Unions disagreed. BA check-in staff threatened peak season strikes at Heathrow if pay reductions made during covid restrictions weren’t reinstated. Not even asking for an increase, bosses claimed some staff were offered the 10% back – yeah, managers!

No bunting or parties to celebrate 6 years since the referendum results were declared, I turned off Newscast when Nasty Nigel appeared and found an apt cartoon for Brexit Island asking: how’s that going? Meanwhile, the EU started a 10-year process to admit Ukraine. A UK rise in racially-aggravated assault was attributed to Euro 2020. Over the pond, Owen Diaz turned down $12m compensation for racism at Tesla.

Friday, I tackled the kitchen runner. The spray ineffective, woven chickens re-appeared after applying liquid cleaner. I went outside in sultry afternoon warmth before more rain came (fine drizzle rather than predicted yellow thunder, a distant rumble was heard) and hacked at rhododendron near the back wall, accidentally lopping off quince branches. Resting was disturbed by Shed Boy and mate communicating unintelligibly.

An estimated 23% rise on the previous week, 1:35 with covid worried health experts. The unjabbed were urged to get one, the elderly to be boosted, and the infected to not spread it. Imperial College found vaccines saved 19.8 million lives; in rich countries. The tories lost by-elections in Wakefield to Labour and Tiverton where Lib Dems overturned a seismic 24,000 margin. A ‘distressed and disappointed’ Oliver Dowdy resigned as party chair at 5.30 a.m. Hobnobbing at CHOGM** in Kigali while Carrie and Camilla had a nice chat, Boris said he’d keep going and address concerns of voters who wanted him to get on with the job. Err, no; they wanted you to jog on! Dreadful Doris tweeted he faced the worst cost of living crisis since WW11. Perhaps that was the one preceding Halo. Reviewing the new Paramount+ series, Jeremy Vine queried why in futuristic sci-fi’s, the world was always a desert – duh! National debt interest reached a record £7.6 billion. Outgoing CBI chair Bilimoria advised tax cuts. The US supreme court ended the constitutional right to abortion. Pro-lifers rejoiced, others warned of back-street terminations and death. Together with allowing gun-toting in the streets and coalpits to choke the air, The Trump might as well still be in charge. A choked Amy Garcia announced the sudden death of former Look North colleague Harry Gration.

Shed Boy noisily scraping out weeds woke me early Saturday. Inevitably followed by pressure washing, we’d wondered how long they’d let the joyful blooms flourish! At The Great Get-Together in the park, we perused stalls, picked up worthy freebies and joked with Councillor Friend and her Partner that a unit of beer on alcohol measuring cups wasn’t even a ½ pint. When did that happen? Maybe the cup should be expandable or telescopic! Not much for adults, no free cake left and music deafening, we headed to the quiet of a riverside bench and searched for fish, espying piles of rubbish instead. Gusts of wind and spots of rain ominous, we went home along the canal. At the river bridge, trout swam in the languorous shallows topped by car pollution. Shed Boy sweeping up, I asked if he’d take detritus I’d cleared from the steps along with his stuff to the tip. He said yes, if he got someone to take him. Thanking him, I silently queried why he couldn’t use his own transport. As the sun re-emerged, I topped up the binbags with more veg matter from the steps.

On Sunday Morning, Swiss Toni spouted the usual tory crap. Sharon Graham called David Lammy refusing to support BA strikes a new low for labour. Politics North extrapolated from the Wakefield by-election, most Yorkshire seats turning red. The laptop inexplicably turning itself off overnight, I restarted to post my brother’s birthday card on Facebook and write a haiga. Sewing the rest of the day made my fingers sore.

As Russia resumed bombing Kyiv, the G7 meeting in Bavaria put a price cap on their oil, banned their gold and joked about emulating Putin’s posing. Putin advised working on themselves before baring all. Boris bantered with Justin on who had the bigger plane. Chris Bryant called his hubris deranged. Prince Charlie accepting $3m cash donations in carrier bags from Qatar raised questions of undue influence. A suspected terrorist attack killed 2 men in Oslo. Pride events cancelled, some defiantly marched a couple of days later.

Barely able to keep my eyes open, it took a while to sleep and I woke after 2 hours feeling woozy and my Monday morning, I had pain across my forehead. I managed to fetch the laptop to post the haiga and write in bed. Depressed by debilitation, maybe it wasn’t such a surprise as I’d done many different things in the 6 weeks since the last bout, which was quite good-going. Fetching my lunch, an empty cereal box balancing on the tray for the recycling pile, fell under my feet on the stairs. Unable to move, I shouted for Phil’s help and fell back in bed exhausted. He disposed of rubbish and went to the co-op for basics plus reduced ham. Repose disturbed by the now daily ritual of geese in the street below, I looked out to see the growing goslings picking at moss between cobbles, as adults kept watch for cats and cars and Shed Girl tried to tempt them with grass for phone pics.

A recommended 15% rise in legal aid fees not implemented, barristers went on strike. A juniors salary of £12,000 more like that of a barista, did they mix up the job descriptions? Cruise missiles killed at least 20 when they hit a shopping centre in Kremenchuk. Decrying a war crime, Vlod asked G7 for more defence systems. In response to Russian aggression, relevant leaders went straight from Bavaria to Madrid to agree a boost to NATO’s Allied Reaction Force on the eastern flank. Boris pledged UK military spending would increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2028. In Westminster, the NI protocol bill passed the first commons vote and Dreadful Doris hosted a summit of broadband and mobile providers who made ‘stay connected’ pledges. A man shot dead an Atlanta Subway worker over too much mayo on his butty and 48 migrants boiled to death in an abandoned truck outside San Antonio. Another 2 later died in hospital and 3 men were arrested.

Rarely rising from my sickbed Tuesday, diggers beeping ‘stand clear’ and sirens screeching down the valley joined the squawking geese to hamper rest. Phil catered. His special omelette with ham, mushrooms and cheese was reminiscent of Greek holiday lunches!

2021 Census results showed the population in England and Wales grew 6%, less than expected, with 1:6 over 65. Baroness Heather Hallett began the delayed Covid-19 public inquiry. 7,000 in hospital, Jeremy Vine and Storm both had covid. Stand-ins asked was it time to reintroduce measures? Nobody would take any notice! Doctor Sarah advised face-masks in crowded places. MP/barrister turned commentator Gerry Hayes said the court system had ‘fallen apart’ and the cabinet were spineless. With ‘substantial and persistent concerns’ The Met were on special measures. That didn’t stop 20 cops arresting Stop Brexit man Steve Bray, on the day the Police, Crime, Sentencing & Courts Act came into force. BMA members urged to ‘channel their inner Mick Lynch’, it was hard to sympathise with GPs on £100k demanding an extra 30%.

After a bad night, I watched PMQs in bed Wednesday. The Bumbler still galivanting, Rabid Raab faced Rayner in Kung Fu Panda heels. Spouting the usual codswallop, he cheekily winked and jibed at her. She asked, with Boris vowing to stay on until 2030, would the party prop him up that long? Raab quipped he’d last longer than her leader to which she retorted, we couldn’t stomach him for 8 minutes, never mind 8 years. She was closer to the truth, as it turned out.

Unexpectedly charged another month’s studio rent, Phil stopped the direct debit and headed for Leeds. I thought it’d do him good to feel active, but he was so skint I had to give him the train fare. Seeing him off, the trellis strew the pavement again. It wasn’t even windy! I shooed him away and went out in my dressing gown to prop the dam thing up, glad the weather was slightly better than the previous two days. Left to my own devices, I brooded on the dire financial situation to be interrupted by Phil phoning to ask if I needed anything from Wilkos. I told him to get glue to fix a fragile old book I was reading. Stocks so low customers asked were they closing down and a 9 week wait for supplies, was it from Ukraine? Fuzzy from another short afternoon sleep, I juggled with dinner, irked when Phil rang from the return train. Forgetting to eat and drink all day, he scoffed food and gulped liquids. He’d made friends with a guy from an old Leeds rock band who took loads of the pesky furniture for his music studio.

After 6 months suspension on full pay, a written warning and a FPN for partying during lockdown, Sheffield council boss Kate Josephs apologised and returned to work. Harriet Harman would lead the Privileges Committee investigation into Boris’ lies.

During a terrible night, external humming and brightness vied with the stupid flashing laptop. Mediation led to fitful sleep. Thus Thursday started badly. Phil was also tired, from lugging furniture. Off to Leeds again, I griped at lack of communication and not being told anything until reaching crisis point. “I didn’t want to worry you.” No warning even more stressful, I asked: “Were you going to wait ‘til we were literally choosing between heating and eating?” Considering options, he searched for local part-time jobs. What the hell was a food production operative? Depressed because he’d tried hard to make self-employment work, he declared himself a loser. “No you’re not. You couldn’t know about covid or the war.” I made him a butty to take, nipped out to peg fusty towels on the line and went back to bed. Very warm, I opened the window as the racket which had plagued me since Monday abated and picked up the laptop when Phil called from Leeds, panicking he’d left an empty wheelie case in the park. Irked I’d have to go for it, I saw it near the door and rang him back. “Sorry, my mind’s all over the place.” “Calm down,” I screamed ironically. Mollified by an apology, I said at least he hadn’t lost the case. Too jittery to write, I hoovered the bedroom and brought the towels in as a woman walked a beautiful shiny black Labrador ‘puppy in training’ past.

Chris The Pincher resigned as tory whip after getting pissed and groping men at the Carlton Club. Labelled a Pound Shop Harvey Weinstein in 2017 by Alex Story, an official complaint and suspension from the party came the next day. Piers Corbyn got a fine for organising the Trafalgar Square anti-lockdown demos. An upgrade to the Trans-Pennine line between Huddersfield and Dewsbury was finally announced – already pretty good, what about the crap line we relied on? Ukraine claimed to have re-taken the tiny but strategic Black Sea Snake Island. Russia said they withdrew as a gesture of goodwill. Unlikely to alleviate the grain crisis, nobody was jubilant.

* PCSU – Public Communications Service Union

**CHOGM – Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog:: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 80 – The Muppet Show

“I think in the short-term that will be a dead end…EU workers we speak to will not go to the UK for a short-term visa to help the UK out of the shit they created themselves” (Edwin Atema)

The Clown, The Bozo and The Bonzo

The week began sunny and bright, as did I. After chores and posting a haiga Monday, I realised I’d forgot coffee at the weekend. I found plenty of fruit and veg in the co-op, but no berries. The hipster cashier thought the shortages were random but I concluded seasonal British produce was less affected by the CO2 shortage. Maybe it would change people’s buying habits for the good. While editing holiday photos in the evening, Phil showed me how to create panoramas in Photoshop. Relatively easy, perhaps it was time to ditch the infuriating Microsoft ICE. I could hardly keep my eyes open at bedtime but it took a while to drop off and hot flushes woke me in the night.

The Bumbler went to America with newly-promoted Trussed-up Liz. He chaired a UN meeting on the COP26 agenda, and met Uncle Joe to discuss climate change, the pandemic and the Aukus submarine deal with Australia, which upset the French so much Liz’s counterpart Le Drian said the UK was run by Monty Python. The muppets, more like! As a sop to European critics, Joe announced double-vaccinated travellers could go to the US from November. Gordy Brown sent the government an Airfinity report saying it was a scandal 100 million vaccine doses would expire by December if not sent to poor countries. After the RCN rejected the 3% NHS pay offer, 4/5 Unison members and 9/10 GMB health & care workers did likewise. The government held emergency talks with suppliers and said there’d be no bail-out for small energy companies who went bust but state-backed loans for bigger ones to take on their customers. Martin Lewis warned consumers would have to choose between heating and eating. Denying a crisis, Kwasi Kwarteng assured us there was “no question of the lights going out.”

On a warm, hazy last day of summer, I took time out from housework and writing, firstly to marvel at how much I missed Grange, with its awesome seascape colours. Usually appreciating where we live on returning home, I guessed it was because it was our only trip to the seaside in over a year. Secondly, for a spell outdoors in the afternoon sun. Phil needed the shop in town. Hardly seeing a soul for days, I was struck by how busy it was. Feeling tired, we went to the park, sat on a bench, drank pop, watched rooks swank about on the football pitch and noted autumnal changes, then walked back along the canal where a heron surveyed for prey above the aqueduct (see below). After a siesta, I settled down with a coffee when the landline rang. Getting up to answer a robot, I suddenly remembered promising the Christmas cake recipe to Elderly Neighbour. Retrieving the old Word file, OneDrive said it couldn’t save changes and I spent ages re-editing before sending. According to local weather, September was warmer than June or August and the warmest since records began in 1659. Nevertheless, clouds descended in the early hours, obscuring the full harvest moon until the following night, auspiciously on the autumn equinox.

Jeff Bozo refused to commit Amazon paying more UK tax, telling The Bumbler it was government’s job to come up with appropriate frameworks. Boris met Bonzonaro separately. It would truly have been a muppet show if they’d all met together! After shaking Boris’ hand, the Brazilian health minister tested positive for covid. Did he share his boss’ anti-vax views? Kwarteng claimed he was focussed on helping the ‘fuel poor’ as he struck a deal with CF Industries to re-start CO2 production in Cheshire and Teesside. Richard Walker of Iceland said “a 3 week deal won’t save Christmas” while a festive tree shortage was foreseen because of Brexit. But Boris still insisted “Christmas is on” and stuck to the line of creating jobs rather than not cutting Universal Credit. Labour called the end of the £20 uplift, rising fuel costs and the National Insurance hike a ‘triple whammy’. Furlough also due to end, likely leading to more unemployment, there was no sign of Rishi Rich.

The Romper Room

Wednesday, Phil felt unwell but his cough eased with Covonia, so probably not covid. I started to feel ill after breakfast. The usual sinus lark likely caused by fighting fatigue since our trip, I fetched coffee and the laptop and stayed abed the rest of the week. Working on the journal, I drew curtains to block out the early autumn sun’s glare and tried hard to not be depressed at being stuck indoors. Phil characteristically continued working downstairs, not hearing a feint knock on the door, or me shouting him. He eventually answered for the woman from next-door-but-one to place 2 large bottles of milk on the doorstep. My worries about them fitting in our tiny fridge and what on earth we’d would do with it all, proved unfounded. Phil managed to wedge them in and they had a long sell-by date. I placed an Ocado order, unexpectedly getting a delivery slot for the following evening. Phil said it was a good job as if he went out, he might get attacked by people fearful of infection. “If it is covid, I blame the trains!” “How would we know if it was a mild case now we’re double-jabbed?” “You could get a covid test.” “I’ll think about it.” After dinner, I stayed up to watch Prime and got a sudden sharp twinge in my left foot when I went back upstairs. Strangely on the opposite side to the sprain, a massage helped slightly but the pain returned every time I turned over during the night.

Chris Witless said most infections were in the young, ½ of kids had had covid and the other ½ would catch it if not vaccinated. Oxford Vax hero Sarah Gilbert found it hard getting money to develop other vaccines including for MERS. The Good Law Project brought action against DOHSC for awarding £80 million ‘secret’ covid antibody test contracts to Abingdon Health and the ONS predicted £20.9 million of covid loan cash wouldn’t be repaid. In the continuing energy crisis, 7 unheard-of suppliers collapsed. No trade deal with the US anytime soon, Boris laughably lauded the ban on British beef and lamb being lifted. At the UN, Uncle Joe pledged doubling climate aid funding for poor countries to a total of $11.4 billion. China promised not to build more coal-powered plants. After blocking the M25 five times in a week, Insulate Britain carried on protesting, despite 270 arrests and a High Court injunction. Pret were opening 200 new coffee shops.

The PM stateside, PMQs pitted demoted deputy Rabid Raab against Angela Rayner. She asked: “how many days does a worker on minimum wage have to work to afford a night in a luxury hotel on Crete?” As he waffled, she told him: “ An extra 50 days. Even more if the sea was open.” She went onto to ask, in the same week they were cutting Universal Credit and energy bills rose, could he “guarantee no one will be pushed into fuel poverty this winter?” Raab retorted: “Let me remind her of her words: ‘working people don’t want a handout, they want opportunities’. We’re giving them that.” Rayner maintained the government’s failures paved the way for the crisis, which they were warned about and had a choice to make working people’s lives harder or easier. Would they cancel the UC cut?” Raab blathered about plans for the NHS and the economy, saying with vacancies and wages up, it was working. Kirsten Oswald, SNP, found his answers perplexing. predicted a ‘cost of living tsunami’ and declared: “you can’t level up by making people poorer.” A smug Raab accused her of scaremongering and referred to British armed forces helping the Scottish NHS. On Newsnight, Barry Gardiner said the government was “lurching from one crisis to another.”

Thursday morning, Phil coughed less while I felt worse. Putting the bed-changing off until after lunch, it proved a slow and knackering chore. After a rest, I got dressed for the Ocado delivery, which arrived early. I dumped bags on the stone floor and left sorting groceries until dinner. Bad idea – the fish-fingers partially defrosted. They still tasted okay though. I went back to bed early and Phil used some of the surplus milk to bring me a huge cup of hot chocolate.

1/3 of tenant evictions were due to the covid holiday ending. HGV driver shortages led to councils cancelling bin collections, BP rationing fuel and Esso closing some Tesco pumps. Food industry bodies wrote to implore Boris to ‘save Christmas’, experts called for Covid Recovery Visas for critical staff and the BOE warned of a 4% inflation rise. Still denying there were problems, small business minister Paul Scuzz-bag said “This isn’t a 1970’s thing.” Biden pledged another 5000 million doses of vaccines, still 5 billion short of what was needed. Failing to get a US trade deal, Trussed-up Liz headed to Mexico to try and join CPTPP. A friend disclosed she called Raab hanging onto Chevening ‘ridiculous’ while he got dressed up for his inauguration as Lord Chancellor. The La Palma eruption predicted to last 84 days, on the other side of the world, earthquakes and anti-lockdown protests hit Victoria.

On a live Question Time, Shiny turd Shats listed initiatives when quizzed on the Universal Credit cut. Richard Walker told him they weren’t working, the cut was coming at a time of food and energy inflation and there were more food banks than branches of McDonalds. Pointing out not everyone could work more hours to make up the shortfall and would also be hit by a National Insurance hike, Lib Dem Munira Wilson called the tories “cruel and callous.” Iceland staff to get Boxing Day off, I got a bit of a crush on possibly the nicest capitalist in the country (but it didn’t last long). Newscast showed a clip of Boris referencing Kermit the Frog. Preaching to the UN it was ‘easy going green’ and: “the world…is not some indestructible toy, some bouncy plastic romper room against which we can hurl ourselves to our heart’s content,” The Bumbler went onto ramble about Sophocles. Was he drunk? John McDonnell said Keir’s 11,000 word essay for the Fabian Society was like a “sermon on the mount written by focus groups.”

Captain Pugwash

Still working on the journal Friday, I rued combining 2 weeks’ worth. At least I managed to finalise holiday photos. The cough gone, Phil masked up to brave an unexpectedly well-stocked co-op for weekend essentials.

Drivers told not to panic as there was no fuel shortage, queues predictably formed at forecourts. Shats looked at options to solve the HGV crisis, including using the army even though they were already drafted to help NHS Scotland and Wales and hinted at a U-turn on ‘essential occupations’ as a short-term solution. An IT failure caused airport delays at e-gates across the UK. Paralympian-turned-Extinction Rebellion protestor James Brown went to jail for supergluing himself to a plane October 2019 and the government sought another High Court injunction as Insulate Britain blocked the Port of Dover. Californian fire-fighters tried to save General Sherman from the Windy Fire, raging for a week in the Sequoia National Forest.

Phil blamed the co-op trip for aches and pains Saturday morning. “Yeah but we’ve got steak!” I went down for breakfast, took coffee back to bed and posted two entries on Cool Placesⁱ. Awful music outside all afternoon sounded like Captain Pugwash on an endless loop. Neither earplugs nor the telly blocking it out, it almost drove me mad! The house a mess , I asked Phil to clean some of it. He manically zipped round the lounge and bathroom, became knackered and needed a rest before cooking the steak dinner.

Sunday starting super-bright, I battled with fatigue and foot pain – now in my instep. A few stretches and a bath helped enough to manage the day out of bed. Taking recycling out, Elderly Neighbour parked up. We discussed cake-baking and his pre-cancerous skin condition. He assured me the nasty-looking red patches on his face were caused by an aggressive chemo-therapy cream which would hopefully clear it by next month. “Fingers crossed for you!” Clouds returned late afternoon. Fearing rain, we changed plans to go to the nearby clough to do the rounds of charity shops. In the large one, we got them to unlock a camera cabinet, mulled over a couple of models, but bought nowt. The centre crowded, I hovered outside the sweet shop while a fat family bought ice-cream and nipped in for cough sweets. We then sat on a quieter riverside stretch. Seeing a flash of orange and blue, I exclaimed: “kingfishers!” Of course, they’d flown off by the time I got my camera out. On the way home, I exchanged cheery greetings with an erstwhile art teacher. No doubt preparing for another Open Studios weekend, it didn’t seem 5 minutes since the last one. Noticing the Christmas tree outside the house looked rather battered due to inconsiderate parking and sported yellow needles, Phil insisted we feed it despite impending rain. I edited kingfisher-free photos and composed a haigaⁱⁱ. Making a frugal roast dinner, Phil re-branded it Brexit Roast.

As expected, temp visas allowed 5,000 HGV drivers (and poultry workers) to come and work in the UK up to 24^th December. Suspension of competition laws let petrol stations share info and target deliveries, letters asked ex-drivers to return and more tests were promised. Drafting in troops still possible, Shats blamed the RHA for the crisis and Useless George blamed motorists panic-buying. But Rachel Reeves indicated the government had ignored warnings from hauliers of what was coming down the road ‘since last year’. Keir told Marr the ‘absolute crisis’ was caused by lack of government planning. Doubting if anyone’d come and work here post-Brexit, Edwin Atema of Dutch union FNV agreed, saying EU workers wouldn’t help us out of our own shit. Other countries also having problems, what was the wider strategy? At the labour party conference in Brighton, Keir was forced to modify plans to give MPs more say in leader elections. The NEC passed the diluted motion leaving Leftists furious. Referring to the tories at a reception for activists, Rayner spluttered: “we cannot get any worse than a bunch of scum, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, absolute vile…banana republic, vile, nasty, Etonian…piece of scum…” Quizzed on her choice of words, she said anger at The Bumbler’s history of derogatory comments, prompted the use of ‘street language’ common in working class Ashton. She later tweeted ‘I’d be happy to sit down with Boris. If he withdraws his comments and apologises I’m happy to apologise to him’.

The murder of young schoolteacher Sabina Nessa in Kidbrooke a week ago Friday, prompted a vigil, a book of condolence and three arrests over the weekend. The third ‘significant arrest’ Sunday saw Koci Selamaj later charged with the crime. Six months after the Sarah Everard tragedy, surveys showed almost all women remained fearful. On Politics North, deputy PCC Alison Lowe said it was ‘not okay’: “toxic masculinity pervades our schools, employment arenas (and) we need to be calling that out.”

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 79 – Something in the Air

“…inflation has reached its highest level in a decade. For ordinary workers and families, prices are going up at the very moment when they can least afford it. (they) need more than just a winter plan for covid; they need a winter action plan to fight a Tory poverty pandemic that is only going to get worse” (Ian Blackford)

Gas and Air

The next two weeks, summer continued. Monday 6^th, I cheered up after a bad night with a laugh at Max Gammon and Ickle Owen Jones arguing on Jeremy Vine. Phil said they made a great couple! After the usual chores and blog-posting, I tried printing info for our upcoming trip, forgetting the PC still wasn’t connected to the new router. Becoming bad-tempered at the prolonged task, I went outside for fresh air and found a ginormous slug lurking beneath dead crocosmia in the garden. Young Student told me because they ate rat poison, slugs were fatal if eaten. “That sounds like an urban myth.” “No. A boy in Australia…” “Everything kills you in Australia!” “True,” she conceded. Disturbed by boisterousness on the street below at bedtime, I shouted “shut up!” through the bathroom window. They ignored me.

Most measures lifted for the start of term, schoolkids were meant to take LFT tests, a PCR if they had contact with infected persons, and isolate if positive. A decision on jabbing 12-15 year olds expected later that week, sage bod Peter Openshaw said they needed to ‘become immune’. In parliament, Goblin Saj announced an extra £5.4bn for the NHS. Boris pledged continuing efforts to rescue people from Afghanistan where the Taliban took Panjshir Valley, used tear gas on demonstrators and shot dead a pregnant cop. Women in Mazar-e-Sharif held a demo demanding a place in government. The Taliban effectively held four planes hostage at the city’s airport. Blair warned the Islamist threat was coming for us, requiring both hard and soft power to fight it. 1,000 migrants arrived in dinghies making the total 12,000 so far for 2021. Big Ben’s unveiling revealed numerals in original blue and George flags. The Welsh and Scots weren’t happy.

Interrupted by canal works Tuesday, I rose grumpily. Phil went out for last-minute gifts and groceries to find he was the only mask-wearer in the co-op. I painted the metal frames of the garden benches. The hammarite went on smoothly but worried I wouldn’t have enough turps, Phil bought some from the hardware shop before going back to the co-op to swap the decaff coffee he’d got by mistake. Decorating neighbour griped about the mill conversion blocking the road and Elderly Neighbour griped about everything. At least she had her partner, unlike my mum. I promised him a creole Christmas cake recipe. Surprised to already see new neighbours on the other side of the street, we joked with them that they didn’t hang around. Although we skipped siestas, we managed to stay awake to toast my birthday at midnight.

A Newcastle University study found 17% more deaths and 41 days more lockdown in the north of England during the first year of the pandemic. Denying plans for a firebreak in October half-term, ministers said there were ‘last resort’ contingencies. Nads Zahawi told BBC Breakfast we were now in a better place due to vaccines . Boosters for winter and later years were under consideration: “(to transition) the virus from pandemic to endemic status and deal with it year in, year out.” Announcing the anticipated hike in National Insurance, Boris admitted he broke a manifesto pledge but as “a global pandemic was in no-one’s manifesto,” was necessary. The extra 1.25% would be paid by all working adults, including OAPs, and raise £36 billion over 3 years to fund the NHS backlog and adult social care. There’d be a £86,000 cap on lifetime care costs and fully-funded care for those with assets of less than £20,000. Critics saw it as benefiting rich southerners and a tax rise on the young. Keir said: “The tories can never again claim to be the party of low tax.” Ex-health minister Cock claimed social care funding reform was “put in the ‘too difficult’ box.” by two successive governments. What a cock! A 1.25% rise in dividend tax wouldn’t apply until 2022-23, according to Therese Coffee-cup, so pensioners wouldn’t unfairly benefit from an ‘irregular statistical spike in earnings’. The Taliban interim government consisted of Mo Hassan Akhund as leader, Abdul Ghani Baradar as deputy and most-wanted Sirajuddin Haqqani as interior minister. Foot-soldiers arrested journalists and mindlessly fired into the air to disperse protestors outside the Pakistani embassy.

Fizzing and Floating

Aiming to sleep in after the late drink, I was again woken by canal works Wednesday. I rallied to enjoy a lovely birthday beginning with my favourite breakfast, reading cards and messages and opening gifts from Phil. We assembled goodies and caught a bus ‘up tops’. Detoured due to a road closure in the hilltop village, we wondered if it was roadworks or filming for the TV drama? Alighting after the next hamlet, we walked up to the farm shop for pop and proceeded down through the next village. The ‘no food’ sign on the pub-cum-campsite seemed daft with a captive audience. Maybe there were staffing issues. On the bridleway, floating willowherb fluff and the aniseed scent of angelica assailed our senses. Down in the clough, kids and dogs commandeered a favoured picnic spot. We ate our lunch on a nearby flat rock before proceeding, waylaid by a variety of fungi crazily sprouting from rotting trees, earth and wooden steps. Finding weird fuzzy mould on our fresh shop-bought mushrooms later in the week, Phil guessed they were infested with all the spores floating about. The main road blisteringly hot, I struggled on the last stretch. Unsurprisingly, it was officially the hottest September day ever. (For a fuller description, see Cool Placesⁱ).

Back home, I declared: “I’m dying for the loo.” “so am I.” “I’m too hot.” “so am I.” “I’m putting a dress on.” “So am I.” “Well, you could wear your sarong. But we’re going to the Thai place so they might think you’re taking the piss!” After changing, I lay on the bed in a stupor then got cleaned up for coffee and eclairs. I dithered over make-up when Walking Friend came knocking. She gave me a bottle of prosecco (that made 3 bottles of fizz), and awaited us outside.

Town pubs infested, I was grateful of spacious seating outside the restaurant for early bird dinners, accompanied by more fizzy prosecco at Walking Friend’s insistence. Saturn floated in the gloaming as did clouds of midges, having a feast in the canal-side air. Walking Friend insisted on paying the whole bill and wanting to buy her a drink in return, Phil led us to the corner pub. Still busy, I felt press-ganged but at least there was a free corner table. We talked about her new obsession with Wish. Feeling flush for the first time ever, she loved parcels dropping through the letterbox: “it’s like Christmas every day.” She then gave me a pouch of baccy. Overcome with her generosity, I pleaded: “if you don’t stop giving me things, I’ll cry! As she took her leave, we spotted Australian Hippy. Resembling a Zoolander character floating on rollerblades, he was making big money selling opals. Assailed by itchy bites (in spite of repellent) and sweaty hot flushes, I woke several times during the night. But it had been a wonderful day. In more affluent times I’d insist on going away for birthdays. Why bother when you can have it all in Yorkshire? (insect bites included!)

In a packed commons, labour MPs mostly wore masks, tories didn’t. The government defended the National Insurance increase before voting. Ironically, labour voted against but it passed anyway. After mistaking Rashford for a rugby player, it was intimated The Salesman was on the way out (correctly, as it turned out). Nasty Patel met Gerald Darmanin and suggested the bribe could be withheld if the French didn’t intercept more migrant crossings. He attacked reports of her sanctioning push-backs of boats to the continent, said they wouldn’t accept any measures that broke maritime law, and would not be subjected to blackmail. The manoeuvres were widely condemned as dangerous and against UN treaties.

Overnight rain led to a grey and humid Thursday, the heavy air presaging storms. I gave up on fractious sleep as engineering works recommenced, forced myself to clean the bedroom, became overheated and bathed. Feeling overwhelmed with only 4 days until our trip, I concentrated on doing one thing at a time. I texted Walking Friend to say thanks for the birthday night out, posted a photo from the walk to say thanks for birthday wishes and worked on the computer. In the afternoon, I went to the co-op, finding the cash machine not working and gaps on shelves. On the way back, I waited while Young Mum and Toddler descended the steps as he cutely counted them. I just got in when a rumble of thunder signalled a heavy shower. Having to clear a full kitchen sink before sorting the shopping, I had a slight fit and exhaustedly collapsed on the sofa. Phil asked what was up. I kept schtum but he swung into action, washed up and sorted laundry. Unable to focus my eyes, I lay down but failed to rest. Thankfully, I had a better night.

MHRA approved Pfizer and Astra-Zeneca for boosters, still awaiting JCVI advice. The government launched a 6-week consultation on mandatory vaccines for more frontline health and social care workers. As coffee-cuppers returned to offices, Costa Packet announced a 5% pay rise and 2,000 new jobs. Crush-hour prompted criticism of bare-faced commuters on tubes. The ‘condition of travel’ not legally enforceable, London mayor Khan wanted a government review on mask-wearing to be brought forward from October. Anti-mask posters housed razor blades to prevent them being taken down. Brexit import controls delayed again, until July 2022 because of covid and supply chain issues, and tighter rules on Northern Ireland trade delayed indefinitely to allow for further talks, Geoffrey Donaldson threatened the DUP would seek to block additional border checks under the protocol and leave Stormont if they failed. Sinn Fein leader Mary Lou McDonald called his comments ‘irresponsible’.

Another night of rain could have explained the lack of canal noise Friday morning. I ironed a few items and selected clothes to pack, spending ages failing to find anything to go with the new £1 skirt. After wasting half an hour, I picked out a dress instead. In the evening, we drank more prosecco and posh chocolates while watching films.

Holyrood made vaccines mandatory to access nightclubs and other venues from 1^st October. The next day, ONS stats showed 1:45 Scots were infected. The highest rate in the UK by some margin, Sturgeon said the Covid Pass wasn’t a magic bullet but may mean not having to use other measures. A lack of guidance prompted some wag to say clubs had longer cocktail lists. The Food and Drink Federation predicted shortages were here to stay but Downing Street insisted the supply chain was ‘highly resilient’. Look North reported a shortage of abattoir butchers. Saying it was cruel, surely it was good for the pigs. Gordon Ramsay restaurants lost £5.1m profit during lockdowns and KPMG set a target of 29% of their workforce to come from working class backgrounds.

We spent a changeable weekend mainly indoors. Saturday, Phil trimmed my fringe which seemed to have grown unevenly into my eyes. I then packed and rang the holiday cottage owner for a nice chat about the internet and War of the Roses, wrote a haigaⁱⁱ, put some recycling out and went to the co-op for cash and a small top-up, impeded by gangs of teenagers hanging about. At bedtime, I unusually fell asleep with the light still on. Waking at 8 the next morning I, almost got up, realised it was Sunday and slept another hour. I was annoyed by bowls floating in a scummy kitchen sink but as Phil struggled with tummy ache, I let it lie. He finished his packing while I draft-posted blogs.

Andrew Marr harked back to Jon Ashworth’s previous statement that opening up on 19^th July was ‘reckless’. Jon replied it depended on your definition of ‘reckless’: the virus was still circulating and 8,000 were in hospital. He said abuse of powers under Coronavirus Laws needed looking into but Goblin Saj maintained it was important to keep the powers to ensure the infected self-isolated. Days after they became law in Scotland and other ministers said they were a good idea, he confirmed the planned introduction of Covid Passes at the end of the month wouldn’t happen in England.

Breath-Taking

Sleeping through the gentle wave sounds of the DAB alarm for several minutes Monday morning, I panicked slightly, worked through a list of jobs and packed lunch while Phil cooked a filling breakfast. Taking recycling out, a cavalcade of neighbours attempted to drive down the street, blocked by the mill development. Fortunately, this didn’t impede our walk to the station. The journey was trouble-free but slow. Too crowded to contemplate having a coffee, we spent an hour’s wait at Preston eating butties, and going out for a smoke. During a tedious 15 minutes stood at Lancaster, a hoard of school kids packed the connecting train. Thinning out for the last stretch, we relaxed to enjoy the coastal scenery. I recalled a ramp from the platform at Grange down to the prom but mis-remembered the exit to the town centre and overshot the tunnel. As we turned down a small cul-de-sac, I recognised the cottage from the bin outside. Inside, a balcony and picture window provided breath-taking views of Morecambe Bay. After unpacking and cuppas on the balcony, we went in search of supplies. The local co-op terrible, we settled on pizza and visited Spar for a few items. After one glass of wine, I felt sleepy and switched to coffee. Big mistake. As if coping with a cluttered mind and a strange bed wasn’t bad enough, the late caffeine hit did nothing to aid sleep.

Chief Medical Officers recommended 12-15 year olds were administered a dose of Pfizer in schools with parental consent, to prevent disruption. But 800,000 doses of Astra-Zeneca would expire by the end of September due to reduced take-up. French M&S stores were shutting amid Brexit butty hold-ups while Pret profits went up 15% in a week. Half of office workers wished to stay home Mondays and Fridays, prompting the acronym TW*ATS. Goldman Sachs urged them back fulltime with no social distancing and Morrisons announced no sick pay for unvaccinated staff who had to self-isolate.

Eventually coming round Tuesday, we bought excellent pies from Higginson’s (Phil’s favourite shop) and caught a bus to Cartmel, baulking at the £4 each to go two miles! In the village, we marvelled at wild-growing hops, laughed at craft brewing, chi-chi antiques and the so-called ‘village shop’ that didn’t even sell pop, visited the historic priory and used racecourse facilities. A Guardian family learning to segue provided entertainment as we munched on a mighty cheese pasty at a picnic bench. We started walking back to Grange on the delightfully-named Haggs Lane. Hedgerow blackberries exceedingly sweet, we braved fast cars on the dangerously narrow, twisting lane to pick a pound. On Grange Fell Road, Phil pointed to a graveyard. “That’s where dead people go.” I indicated a golf course opposite: “That’s’ where nearly dead people go!” The walk harder than anticipated, I was glad we’d got the bus up even with the gouging fares. We got cola from Spar and found the tunnel we’d missed Monday evening. The sun emerged from grey clouds as we perched on a prom wall. Despite signs of overheating, Phil wanted to continue to the lido, then suggested dumping bags. We back-tracked to the cottage where we also ditched layers. From excessively detailed info of the renovation, we gleaned the lido wouldn’t be a wreck for long. Nearby plaques depicted landmarks across the bay: the metropolis of Morecambe (the proposed site of Eden Project North), Heysham nuclear power plant and. Blackpool Tower. 31 miles away, Phil claimed you could see it from space.

After Calum Semple warned of ‘a rough winter’ Boris’ unveiled his ‘winter covid plan’. ‘Sticking with the strategy’ meant relying on vaccines: boosters for the over 50’s and carers of Pfizer or ½ dose of Moderna, started Thursday. If other measures were needed, there was a Plan A (jab campaigns, meeting outside, wearing masks, washing hands, using the TIT app and helping other countries get vaccines) and a Plan B (Covid Passes, mandatory masks, working from home). Anti-lockdown MP Steve Baker whinged: “The public health powers are still there, allowing (Javid) to lock us down at the stroke of his pen without prior votes.”

In spite of better sleep, I felt rough on a super-bright Wednesday, rallied over a cuppa to go on a short train ride. No staff in the station office, the ticket machine inexplicably wouldn’t accept our railcard. It was still cheaper than the bus, though! In Arnside, we walked up the beautiful estuary towards a disused station marked on a weird map we found in the cottage. Coming to a hamlet, we decided it must be Sandside and took photos of each other to prove we’d been. On the way back, we couldn’t resist a ‘flash forage’ for more blackberries in spite of bursting for a wee. Village cafés all shut, we went in the pub where they absurdly only accepted the exact money in cash. Even with my caution, I couldn’t fathom how that prevented the spread of covid. From the elevated beer garden, I espied an ideal grassy picnic spot. After eating, Phil threw pie crumbs to a cute jackdaw, which set small gulls into a frenzy. Far from aggressive, they affected endearing begging poses. We explored the sands, carefully avoiding dangerous squidgy bits, marvelled at wispy angel-like clouds floating above Kents Viaduct, went on the tiny pier then needed the loo again. “I’m not having more beer; it’s an endless cycle.” Phil spotted public conveniences – accepting the 40p charge in contactless form only! Railing at yet more gouging, we gave the locals something to talk about by going in together. Back in Grange, we explored the lower end of Main Street, found nothing useful and ended up back at the crap co-op and Spar. Hot, tired and achy, I lay on the bed and closed my eyes when Phil entered the bedroom. Annoyed, I gave up resting and revived later with a fluffy bath, thanks to free radox.

As predicted, The Salesman was sacked in the Cabinet re-shuffle as was Rabid Raab. The contract for the not-yet MHRA approved Valneva vaccine was cancelled. Scottish health minister Humza Yousaf called it ‘a blow’ to Livingstone. Research found 1/3 of arrivals into the UK March-May broke quarantine rules. Fuel and food costs led to a CPI rise of 3.2% August, the most for 10 years, which didn’t escape the notice of Ian Blackford. Putin’s entourage caught covid, putting him in isolation. Only 56% of Greeks immunised, it was hoped mandatory weekly testing of workers would encourage uptake.. The Taliban gave 3-day eviction notices to thousands in order to house their own fighters in Kandahar’s army residential district. The UN said their response to protests was ’increasingly violent’ which didn’t stop them from happening.

A better start Thursday, we strolled to the station and had no trouble using our railcard at the booking office. Riding the train the other way, we got different coastal views and a chuckle from ‘Cack-in-Caramel’ “It sounds like something from a fancy restaurant!” We visited Ulverston market and walked down the smallest canal, alive with plant and animal life. At Canal Foot, we again had to buy drinks to use facilities. Supping IPA overlooking the estuary, I fretted that it took 2 hours to get there and feared we’d miss the last pre-rush hour train. However, we were back in town in 30 minutes. My ankle didn’t’ hurt even though I’d forgotten a bandage that day, but blisters on our soles made us both footsore. Twilight above the bay resplendent with a stripey sunset and silvery waxing moon, I mentioned we hadn’t gone out in the evenings as expected. “What for?” asked Phil, “we wouldn’t get better views anywhere else.”

Vaccines mandatory to work in NHS and care jobs in 12 weeks’ time, today marked the deadline for a first jab. Metro reported staff could self-certify medical exemption. Hospitals in Scotland and Northern Ireland over-stretched not because of covid but staff shortages, the army was drafted in to help.

Life’s A Gas

Friday morning, the phone alarm succeeded in waking me to a yellow sunrise. The colours different every hour of every day, I would miss those expansive views. Things got fraught preparing to leave the cottage when I realised we hadn’t emptied the bins and only just managed it before the agreed check-out time. We trundled our cases through the ornamental gardens, sat on a bench, checked connections and decided to get the next train straight home rather than stop at Carnforth as planned. We took final photos of the bay (because we didn’t already have hundreds!) and surreptitiously sniggered at a trio of boring men with guitars chatting shit before the slightly delayed train arrived. We sat on folding seats in the busy carriage, which became packed at Lancaster. During a shorter wait at Preston, a schizophrenic gibbered at Phil and called me ‘a ginger Mysteron’. Where was his tinfoil hat! We fought our way over busy platforms and stood near the doors on another crowded service. At the next stop, a kind young woman indicated two free adjacent seats. We wedged cases in the footwell and I played games on my phone to block out the hubbub of mask-less fellow passengers. (More details to follow on Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ).

Back in our valley, we wandered through an eerily quiet park, devoid of kids. After eating lunch with a proper pot of tea, I felt exhausted. Phil advised I rest and he’d go shopping. Unable to sleep, I lay listening for his return, heard nothing and went down to find him slumped on the sofa. He tetchily complained of having to go to the co-op and the convenience store, the former “like Russia, with things moved round to make gaps on shelves look less worse.” Popping out for a few items the next day, I had no trouble finding them, apart from tonic, and saw no sign of re-arranged stock. The Co-op boss later said prices would go up because of HGV, shipping and ‘global commodity’ hikes but that didn’t fully explain the randomness. The rest of the weekend was taken up unpacking, laundering, writing and photo-editing (nowhere near finished) I realised several details from the dream in July had come true, albeit in a jumbled way (see Part 72).

According to ONS, mask use dropped from 98 to 89%. What rot! No way were 89% of passengers wearing masks on trains coming home! And if 90% of us had anti-bodies, why the booster campaign? After Minister Robert Courts said the DfT would reduce covid test costs for travel, the traffic lights changed. Discussed at the Cabinet Covid Sub-committee, Shatts announced it in a series of tweets. From 22^nd September, 8 countries would come off the red list and the amber list would be scrapped 4^th October. The inoculated didn’t need pre-departure tests and PCR tests 2 days after arrival would be replaced with an LFT later on. Soaring wholesale gas prices forced plants to shut and led to a CO2 shortage. Headlines proclaimed it hit meat, packaging and fizzy drinks (as evinced by no tonic in the co-op for weeks). Then people started to realise it affected everything including apples. In the face of shortages of plastic crap and pigs-in-blanket, The Glove-Puppet was co-opted as Elf Minister ‘to save Christmas’* The Cumbre Vieja volcano on La Palma exploded, destroying 20 homes in Puerto Naus. 6,000 fled as molten lava flowed towards the ocean and acid rain and toxic gasses spewed into the air.

*National Economic Recovery Task Force, aka Committee to Save Christmas

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 72 – Get A Grip

“Ministers mix messages, change approach and water down proposals when the public and businesses need clarity and certainty” (Justin Madders)

#Freedumbday

The heatwave continued. Determined not to be rushed Monday morning, I took my time even as Phil took the breakfast tray away but with washing and rubbish to take down, wished he hadn’t disappeared. Internet issues persisted the whole week and beyond. I managed to post blogs working round the signal drops. Phil checked all our telecoms equipment before ringing Talk-Talk again. On repeating they’d monitor it, I exclaimed: “They said that on Saturday. They’ll say anything to not fix it!” “Yep. That’s what they do.” Taking recycling out, elderly Neighbour came up to chat. Finding it hard to follow her stream of consciousness, I nodded politely. In the co-op later, the aisles were now both salad-free and markings-free. Face-coverings optional, I wore one.

Unlike some on ‘Freedom Day’ or #Freedumbday. Clubbers queued from midnight. Heaven looked like hell on a video posted by party-loving journo Benjamin Button. Alarm bells sounding, The Bumbler warned proof of 2 jabs may be required for entry to crowded indoor spaces from September. Scotland cautiously moved to Level 0. Social distancing was reduced to 1 metre but nightclubs wouldn’t open, bars had to shut at midnight, only 15 people could mix outdoors, masks stayed mandatory and the order to work from home continued. JCVI said there’d be no mass vaccination of kids as the benefits didn’t outweigh the risks of myocarditis. Pfizer would be offered to immunocompromised 12-15 year olds (or those living with vulnerable people) ‘as soon as possible’.

A long-overdue Ocado order impossible on the crap internet, we searched town Tuesday afternoon for salad items. The convenience store surprisingly had some, but no cucumber. Would we ever see it again? As a queue outside the sweet shop died down, I hovered until deeming it safe to buy pop. We refreshed on a shady riverside bench. Ducks sheltering from the boiling sun resembled rocks until they scarpered from the heron. On the way home, we waved to The Biker outside the corner pub and noted BT engineers fiddling with telegraph wires on the street below, hoping they were fixing the internet. “How come nobody else ever reports problems?“ I asked Phil. “God knows. I went door-knocking once and no one knew what I was on about. One neighbour even asked was it the same as the telly?!” Unfortunately the problem persisted so whatever they did hadn’t done the trick. I’d forgotten to get exterior primer from the hardware store but Phil said melamine primer I found in the cupboard would work. The ancient stuff dried almost on contact with the repaired planter. Grubby and sweaty, we freshened up with bedtime baths but they didn’t help with sleep in the sweltering heat.

Cases rising nationally 40% week-on-week, the average in Yorkshire was 60%. Daily cases reached 46,558 and deaths 96. A million school pupils were absent in the last week, the highest since March. ALW’s Cinderella show was cancelled when a staff member got covid and the rest had to self-isolate. Inevitable whingeing ensued, even though it negated his arguments. I’d shut up if I was him. Business minister Paul Scuzz-ball said it was up to individuals and employers whether to isolate if pinged. Downing Street scrambled out a message it was ‘crucial’ to do so. Shadow health minister Justin Madders accused the government of making it up as they went along, saying we were in the realms of ‘dangerous farce’. Some exemptions granted for ‘essential workers’, criteria were unclear.

Laura K, interviewed The Scumbag who declared his mission to bring down the government and claimed he stopped Boris going to see the queen in case he killed her. Unbelievably, he admitted he wasn’t sure if Brexit was a good idea! 400 yesterday brought the total of migrants crossing the Channel since January to 8,000, almost as many as the whole of 2020.

Hours after Nasty Patel bribed Paris to increase patrols, Mini Macron no doubt had a good laugh as a French navy gunboat forced a dinghy into UK waters. She told the home affairs committee the agreement wasn’t meaningless and border policy failure wasn’t responsible for letting in the Delta variant.

Newsnight mentioned a suggested extra 1% on National Insurance to fund social care. Ministers maintained it was unpopular but many people thought it sensible. Maybe Boris and Rishi believed it would go against them in the next election or was it yet another example of pandering to backbenchers? Jeff Bezos outdid Branston in the billionaire space race. New Shepard rocket went up 66 miles. Unimpressed with him thanking Amazon staff and customers who got him to the edge of space, critics screamed ‘pay your bloody taxes!’

Fail, And Fail Again

On a humid Wednesday, we took another rail trip – to Brighouse. Market day created lunchtime bustle. Phil got fish and chips from Blakely’s while I found seats on attractive new decking overlooking the Calder & Hebble Navigation. Facing towards sun so he’d spot me, I planned to move round when a pair of elderly women plonked themselves behind us; their coughing and their dog’s begging slightly spoiling the treat. We shifted to a further bench under cover of trees to gaze on water and pick herbs from incredible edible boxes. Further exploration of the shopping area revealed old buildings, squares and mainly independent shops selling everything you could need. We chatted to a lovely old man about architecture, craftsmanship and people not appreciating what was on their doorstep before buying elusive items including hammarite paint, cucumber and pasties for an easy tea. We walked to the beautiful canal basin, drank pop and strolled round. Industrial-looking craft from two years ago were replaced by trip barges, cabin cruisers, twee houseboats and what appeared to be a submarine conversion. After-school teenagers congregated at the dangerous confluence of the canal and river. Almost crawling back up to the station, it was 20 minutes ‘til the next train. We retreated to the shade of the old co-op building where Phil espied an engraving of a skep above the door, recalling pictures from the Pioneer’s Museum. Back home, I took food to the kitchen. Phil searched his bag and cried: “where are the pies?” “Don’t panic! I’ve got the pies, you’ve got the paint.” (For a fuller description, see Cool Places 2ⁱ)

As I collapsed on the sofa, Phil plugged the router straight into the socket without the extension. The internet signal seemed to improve, then failed again. He picked up the phone to Talk-Talk, but feeling hot and bothered, realised he’d lose his grip so left it until morning. We managed to watch Netflix by pausing when the red light came on the router (approximately every 20 minutes) and re-starting.

The retail and haulier sectors again warned the pingdemic meant empty shelves. British Meat Processors Association CE Nick Allen said food supply chains were ‘starting to fail’ and criticised minister’s ‘confusing messages’. At PMQs, Keir mocked the latest government slogan ‘Keep Life Moving’ and suggested it be replaced with ‘Get A Grip’. He went onto accuse a virtual Boris of superspreading confusion on the rules then immediately isolated himself after his sprog tested positive for coronavirus, although he’d tested negative. The NHS pay review body recommended a 3% rise. Minister Helen Waffle failing to tell the commons, the government later said they’d pay it to most staff. As the EU refused to renegotiate the Northern Ireland protocol, Lord Frost complained ‘we can’t go like this’. So what now, you idiot? Liverpool lost its UNESCO World Heritage Status. City councillors were surprised but no-one else was. We thought Brighouse had a better claim. Severe floods in China left 25 dead including 12 trapped in tube trains.

After another uncomfortable and fractious night, I felt wobbly and unable to focus my eyes Thursday morning. I forced myself to perform a few stretches which must have got some endorphins going because my mood improved. I took my time over the morning cuppa, even as Phil made to take the tray away, and asked for help with the washing. I went to the market, finding fish and a few veg but no toiletries again. German Friend dawdled up the steps ahead of me on the way back. As I caught up, I joked “is it hot enough for you?” We strolled to her front door where I gave her tips on fixing her bench. Phil had been on the phone to Talk-Talk. After a rant, they promised to send engineers the next day – pointless but maybe they’d establish the issue wasn’t in the house. Later, I saw discussion on a local Facebook group confirming the intermittent service affected the whole town. I proclaimed Talk-Talk lying bastards’ Phil’s anger resurfaced. “I thought it would reassure you that you weren’t going mad.” “Can I have that in writing?” “Yes, I’ll make you a certificate!” But I agreed it was frustrating that people posted on comment pages rather than reporting the problem. During a spell outside, Phil continued with his tiny work while I applied waterproof paint to the planters. Having located a website on exciting days out on the Calder & Hebble navigation, I asked him where next? Just then, the hippy who lived on a barge emerged from next door. I told him of our excursion to Brighouse on which he shared interesting snippets, and picked his brains on other waterway locations worth visiting. Early evening, rain started to fall. Initially light, it soon turned into a deluge. BBC 4 showed decent films so we didn’t have to endure interrupted streaming for our evening’s viewing. Eyes shutting while reading, I dropped off quickly only to wake in the early hours.

Reports that 9 out of 10 people had coronavirus antibodies but weren’t all immune, did not compute. 618,903 pinged by TIT in the previous week, 1.77m self-isolated. Jeremy C**t again called for government to bring forward rule changes or they’d lose “social consent for this very, very important weapon against the virus.” The BMA maintained that more pings indicated very high infection rates and deleting the app was like disabling the fire alarm. Ravi Gupta of Nervtag said the ‘mixed bag of measures’ created ‘confusion and havoc’ by making individuals isolate when large crowds attended sporting events. Kwasi Kwarteng promised a longer list of exempt sectors soon and urged firms to stick to the rules but food distribution company Bidfood told staff to take tests and carry on working while Iceland advised customers not to panic over food shortages (it should be ministers panicking). Tobias Ellwood wanted Cobra to enlist the army.

The Boardman report on Greensill, said Lex enjoyed an ‘extraordinarily privileged’ relationship with Camoron who could have been clearer but didn’t break current lobbying rules so ‘his actions were not unlawful’. Angela Rayner called it a classic whitewash. Dawn Butler had to leave the commons for naming Boris a liar – apparently not allowed even when blatantly true. Australia and NZ withdrew from the rugby world cup due to safety concerns. A day before the official start of Shonkyo 2020, the opening ceremony director was sacked. Kentaro Kobayashi made jokes about the holocaust when he was a comic. This followed creative chief Horishi Sasaki resigning in March after apologising for calling large lady Naomi Watanabe ‘Olympig’ and a composer quitting earlier in the week when it emerged he’d bullied schoolkids.

Yes, We Have No Tomatoes!

Friday morning, an exhausted Phil fell briefly back to sleep after brekkie. I drafted blog entries for Cool Places 2 but posting was impossible. ‘Bright Sparks’ engineers rang Phil saying they were on the way. Two men arrived in separate vans, blocking the road. Phil explained the problem didn’t affect just us. I chimed in with gen from social media, noted one of them wore a mask over his mouth but not his nose, and left them to it for the weekend shop. Still very little veg, signs on shelves promised supply issues would be resolved shortly. At the kiosk, I repeated what I wanted 3 times to a new staff member and she still got it wrong! On returning, the engineers departed. They’d replaced the router and all the wiring, thus eliminating any possibility of problems in the house. The internet worked for an hour before bombing. Barely keeping a grip, Phil again rang Talk-Talk who eventually said a BT van would come next Tuesday. “Not good enough!” I railed. I later noticed the red light didn’t come on the new router when the signal dropped. “They’ve fixed if then, ha, ha!” Phil went to the other shop and I asked him to look for salad stuff. He returned singing: “Yes, we have no tomatoes!” Watching old films on DVD, we managed not to drink too much wine and had quite an early night for a Friday.

Train services and petrol stations joined the list of services hit by the pingdemic. Useless George said exemptions for critical workers meant 10,000 could carry on working in food and other key industries. Dr. Chaand Nagpaul of BMA called it a “desperate and potentially unsafe policy that does not address the root problem…(exceptions) should only happen in the absolute rarest of cases and with rigorous infection control measures and assurances of safety.” 30 drownings in British waterways over the week included a mother and son in Loch Lomond, a 16 year old boxer in the River Dee at Chester, a young footballer in Salford Quays, and 6 men and boys in Yorkshire.

Suspecting the jolly veg man had cheated me, I weighed the mushrooms before cooking Saturday breakfast. The alleged half-pound came to 5.7 oz. Phil suggested they’d shrunk but if not, he should be put in the stocks for deceiving customers. Phil managed to do some uploading but I avoided the internet completely, writing and photo-editing. Brighouse shots lent themselves to monochrome and inspired the weekly haigaⁱⁱ. I also took a pile of recycling out, having to sort neighbours’ detritus. Phil popped to the co-op to find no beer as mask-less 30 somethings wandered the aisles.

A mere 20^oC on Sunday, I braved the market for knobbly veg and got quite a selection, including the last 4 tomatoes. Town packed, visitors cluttered the streets, queues snaked from charity shops, and kids and dogs paddled under the old bridge where a low dam had been constructed. Phil considering joining me, I rang to say don’t bother. On the way home, I saw The Poet and suggested he avoid the centre as it was full of bloody tourists. “Don’t worry, I’m going straight to the bus stop.” Noting the leafy stalks sticking out of my bag, he commented, “I can’t remember the last time I ate celery.”

Wanting to finish painting the planters, I noticed gaps in the bottom allowing soil to escape. I sawed a small piece of wood to size and hammered it on. Phil looked impressed as he watched. “I can do things, you know!” Decorating Neighbour came to see what the noise was and shared notes on the trials of painting, overhanging bushes messing his car up, and parking disputes. Phil found another small bit of wood to finish the bodge. I applied primer to the additions and paint to a plastic planter that now housed a rose.

Look North featured a local family we knew. The now very tall 11 year old son started walking to Westminster for the Zero Carbon petition, accompanied by parents in a campervan. At 10 miles per day it would take him 3 weeks.

No data on deaths released for a second day running due to tech issues, Goblin Saj tweeted ‘don’t cower from the virus’. Covid Bereaved Families for Justice incensed at the insensitivity, The Goblin deleted the tweet and apologised for a ‘poor choice of words’. What a cock! PAC reported dealing with the pandemic cost £370bn so far. £10bn wasted on PPE ‘not fit for purpose’, £6.7m per week was still being spent on storage. Phil came up with a solution: “Burn it!” At a rally in Trafalgar Square Saturday, covid-denier Kate Shemerani likened NHS staff to Nazis. The ex-nurse had been struck off for dangerous views on vaccines, social distancing and PPE. PHE said vaccines prevented at least 52.600 deaths (later revised to 60,000).

Mr. Ben claimed the Latitude festival was the safest place on the planet. Revellers required to show proof of 2 jabs or a negative test result, we wondered why on earth that couldn’t be the case all round. Public opinion increasingly in favour of Covid Passes, The Bumbler shied away from them and instead urged common sense. How was it ‘common sense’ to allow hundreds of people to cram into discos, possibly infecting each other, rather than proving they didn’t have the disease? Answer: Boris didn’t want to upset so-called libertarian backbenchers and in doing so, mis-read the public mood.

Unable to settle, the meditation soundtrack enabled a few hours’ sleep. Musings of a possible birthday trip in September led to dreaming of a train journey to the seaside. I stared out the window at a dark and rainy scene while Phil concentrated on his phone. Elder Sis and Youngest Brother materialised. He pressed a guide book on me as we alighted intoning: “You’ll need this.” Out on the road, other people surrounded us. Striving to outpace them, I lost sight of Phil. I awoke wondering if it was a message. Dropping off again, I had a follow-up dream; too indistinct to get a grip on details.

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 71 – Ping Pong

“Hate will never win. To all the young people who have received similar abuse, hold your heads up high and keep chasing the dream” (Jadon Sancho)

The ‘P’ of the Ping

A miserable Monday started badly for both of us and got no better. Totally unrested, I struggled through the tedious chores and blog-posting. Sleepy at siesta time, I hoped to drop off but sadly not. Making coffee, the kettle sounded strange then went ballistic, shooting up boiling water geyser-like. Screaming in panic, I calmed down enough to mop up and noted the spill was oddly foamy suggesting something in the tap. I swilled the kettle out several times after which it behaved normally. Phil came up with alternative theories such as the lid not being shut properly and admitted to a similar experience some mornings, quickly adding “don’t tell me off.” As a joke, I started to say I might (as it solved a mystery of why there was often a puddle next to the sink). He stormed off. It was my turn to boil over. Almost in tears at stuff going wrong, a tiff ensued. I took deep breaths and kept my mouth shut, even when he tried to elicit a response from me. To make amends, he cleaned my ipad, washed up and helped with dinner. Almost falling asleep again, I resisted the urge to go to bed until the usual time. Thankfully, I had a pretty good night.

The 4 key tests met (vaccine rollout, reduction in hospital admissions and deaths, infection rates not risking a surge and no new variants – yet), parliament rubber-stamped 19^th July as ‘Freedom Day’. Goblin Saj repeated if not now, when? Legal restrictions were replaced by guidance on action expected from firms and the public to limit virus spread: covid passes, masks in crowded areas and public transport, and a gradual return to offices. Rates still rising, 200 deaths and 2,000 hospitalisations a day were predicted over summer. The BMA called it ‘irresponsible’. Keir repeated the plan was reckless: “we need a safe way of coming through this.” Take-up of first jabs dropped and massive queues formed at Heathrow terminal 5 as 100 staff were pinged and self-isolated. Raining since the night before, a deluge in London led to flash-flooding. Anita Dobson distraught at ruined memorabilia in the cellar, Brian May raged at the council and selfish neighbours who burrowed under houses, disrupting sewers. Might they take flooding seriously now the capital was affected?

Fall-out from Euro 2020 continued. Officially 65,000 at Wembley for the final, including VIPs who’d obviously not been required to quarantine, much trouble ensued. Ticket-less fans forced their way in, fights broke out and disturbingly, the missed penalties led to online racist abuse of Rashford, Sancho and Saka. The Bumbler called it appalling. Keir said his words rang hollow as he failed to show leadership and called for The Online Safety Bill to be brought forward. Allegedly scheduled before the recent abuse of footballers, Boris would host a meeting of social media firms to urge tougher action on racism, during which he was forced to reiterate condemnation of booing and abuse. A mural of Marcus Rashford defaced, stars came out in support including David Beckham and a tweet from Tyrone Ming went viral: “you don’t get to stoke the fire at the beginning of the tournament by labelling our anti-racism message as ‘Gesture Politics’ & then pretend to be disgusted when the very thing we’re campaigning against, happens.” Newsnight replayed a prophetic clip of John Barnes saying black players were popular when they won, abused when they lost. It was interesting how politically important footballers had become.

Tuesday began much better but I almost had a coronary when a top-up shop in the co-op cost a whopping £24. Mind you, I did scavenge the reduced section and return home well-laden. Incessant tree-felling all day, the noise didn’t let up so attempts to rest were even more fruitless. Behaving hitherto, the kettle did the weird foamy thing again late afternoon. Once bitten twice shy, I switched it off before crisis point and rinsed it out. Checking the theory there was something in the water, I searched online to see no reported problems. I stayed online to resolve Ocado smart pass issues and set a meeting with Valley Life.

ONS figures showed 103 weekly deaths. The highest since mid-May, Matt Keeling of Spi-M estimated 15.3 million infections by 19^th July and a third of the population still susceptible to the Delta variant. With retail sales up 10.4% in June, a fifth of high street workers self-isolated after being pinged. young people deleted the TIT app and Kate Nicholls of UKHospitality told the commons business, energy & industrial strategy committee it could go up to 1:3. She wanted a ‘test-to-release policy’ so they could work. The Advisory Committee on Business Appointments said The Scumbag may have broken rules on paid work by charging for reading his Substack blog. In France, jabs for health workers and a negative test before accessing trains, cinemas and restaurants became mandatory. Parisians protested. Despite opposition from 25 backbenchers including ex-PM Theresa May, the government narrowly won the vote on overseas aid cuts. The strict conditions on returning to the original 0.7% of GDP (reduced debt and earning more than borrowing), would never be met.

More details of trouble at Wembley emerged. 19 Met officers injured, Kieran Graham who spat at and bit coppers, was jailed for 18 months. F1 driver Lando Norris was mugged of a McLaren watch on his way back to his supercar. Messages of support covered graffiti on Rashford’s mural. Artist Akse P19 said it had become ‘a symbol of love and solidarity’ as he went to repair the damage. On Jeremy Vine, idiot sociopath Samuels claimed we couldn’t compare messages from Boris and Patel on ‘gesture politics’ to what happened to footballers and defended their latest hypocritical mutterings. Jackie Smith succeeded in tying her up in knots. She again repeated she should be able to go out partying without a mask, while the vulnerable stayed locked indoors.

Lost and Found

As forecast, a spell of good weather commenced on Wednesday. We took the daytrip delayed a fortnight ago. On the way to the station, a gaggle of adorable goslings ate grass on the church lawn. Who knew they were yellow? We caught a fast service and were soon in Rochdale. We meandered down to the centre, observing changes since our last visit, perused the market (trad but crap), shops and alleyways, and tittered at The Butts and items dumped in the river below the ancient bridge. Would someone miss the e-scooter or was it part of one of those pilot schemes? A stand on the opposite corner suggested the latter. In the conservation area we headed for The Baum to be asked to fill out a contact slip before going through to the spacious back garden. Bizarrely, they asked for our drinks order before providing menus. Even more bizarre on a hot day, they had no lager due to an equipment upgrade. When lunch menus appeared, we discovered the food had become fancier and pricier in the intervening years. I wasn’t surprised that eating and drinking out contributed to inflation rising to 2.5% in June.

Phil was disappointed they’d lost the trad rag pudding but found a burger tempting while I ordered a proper Lancs cheese and onion pie. Tasty but huge, as were the chips, I foisted leftovers on him but even he struggled. Stuffed, we went in the Co-op Pioneers Museum. Two bored-looking workers the only occupants, they took our details and asked if we’d been before. I’d visited once with Walking Friend and my mind wandered as they gave Phil the gen. As we looked round the first floor, my handmade face-mask which had worked ‘til then, started to slip. I sat on a comfy sofa to re-fasten it but with no other visitors, it seemed ridiculous, especially watching funny old films on the top floor. Back in the town centre, Phil entered the tobacconists and I hung about in the street. A young man appeared at a top window, suspicious of my camera but withdrew when I assured him I took photos of buildings, not him. Near the town hall, an archaeology dig and extended pub seating obscured its magnificence and made the adjacent street cluttered. About to sit in the gardens, broken glass and dog shit put us off. We climbed ancient steps and collapsed on a bench in the churchyard at the top before returning to the station. A hot 10 minute wait preceded a hot slow journey on the stopping train. Phil on his phone the whole way, I looked out the window at sedately passing countryside. (for a fuller description and more photos, see Cool Places^I)

On arrival, Phil realised he didn’t have his blazer. I sat on the concourse, roasting in full sun, while he ran up and down the platform. I suggested he ask at the ticket office where they promised to see if it turned up further down the line. Berating himself, Phil said it wasn’t worth picking up because they charged for lost property – disgusting! Even though I was exhausted, he lagged behind as we trudged home and went straight upstairs, leaving me to get coffee. I collapsed on the sofa; overheated and slightly irked. The local station then called to say his jacket was safely with them. He must have dropped it just as we alighted the train, after all that! I managed to cool down emotionally and physically but still full, declared I wasn’t cooking.

42,000 new covid cases and 49 deaths in the UK, levels rose on the Balearics and they moved to the amber list meaning quarantine for returning travellers (except the fully-vaxxed and under 18’s) I wondered what happened to the lifting of ‘advice not to travel’? Croatia and Bulgaria went green. TfL still insisting on face coverings, Shats said it was ‘common sense’ and “we expect (operators to put) in place whatever is applicable for their network.” Local bus and train companies left it to customers choice. Mayors Jarvis and Brabin made face-masks mandatory in bus stations. Tracy bemoaned a lack of power to act in the best interests of Yorkshire folk and RMT’s Mick Lynch cried: “(the government) cannot step back from this critical issue.” Medics from the BMA, RCN, BDA and Royal Pharma Society, wrote to demand mandatory masks in healthcare settings while Wales would keep them when other restrictions were lifted.

At PMQs, both party leaders praised the England footie team. Boris promised to crackdown on racist fans, with a lifetime ban on attending matches. Keir accused him of the ‘worst kind of gesture politics’ by wearing an England shirt over his suit and tie, and of igniting a culture war: “they’ve realised they’re on the wrong side, and they’re hoping nobody noticed.” The Bumbler retorted: “I don’t want to engage in a political culture war of any kind, I want to get on with delivering for the people of this country.” On Newsnight, Anna Soubry said the tories had lost their moral compass (did they ever have one?), had turned into the Brexit party and in line with ‘Tumpist populism’ would say anything to get a vote. They’d stoked fear and prejudice, created division and tried to hang onto the northern red wall at the risk of losing the southern blues. Getting it wrong on masks and taking the knee revealed them as charlatans.

Struggling after fractious sleep, cleaning the bedroom was hard work on Thursday, but at least a sunny breeze dried sheets quickly on the line. Late afternoon, we returned to the station. On the towpath, I saw a woman I’d become friendly with in art class some years ago. Sitting on the alcy bench, she supped coffee rather than cider and complained she was “fed up with it all.” “Everyone is,” I replied, “but just because we’re fed up doesn’t mean it’s over.” “True.” I availed myself of empty seating outside the closed station café while Phil retrieved his blazer. Expecting the park café to be shut too, I ignored my thirst. We squatted on grass near the skateboarders, amused by al-fresco chi that resembled performance art and snippets of conversation on philosophy and toe lumps. I should have taken a tape recorder. As we walked round on the riverside path, the café was apparently still serving but I felt we’d missed the pop window.

We went home via the small footbridge where a strange character head bobbed in the water. Had a distraught child lost a precious toy? Cooking salmon I’d found in the reduced section and stuffed in the freezer on Tuesday, I forgot it included sauce in a plastic tube. Looking unsavoury, I labelled it a “vomcicle” which had Phil in stitches. Was there a Halloween marketing idea there? For the record, the sauce didn’t taste of sick.

48,000 new cases, the highest for 6 months, daily deaths rose again. In official guidance for businesses, government ‘expected and recommended’ workers and customers to wear face-masks from 19^th July. Supermarkets Asda, Lidl, Sainsburys, Tesco and Waitrose would encourage it; the latter 2 also kept other measures like social distance, limited numbers in store, protective screens and sanitiser stations. The Bumbler put forward skeletal plans on levelling up, saying a ‘flexible approach’ to devolution would mean local town leaders could ‘make things happen for their communities’. Vaguely referencing more money for education and some other stuff, labour described his speech as ‘gibberish’. Keir went to Blackpool. During tea in The Winter Gardens, he said a proper regional strategy was needed. At an evening session at The Tower Ballroom, he spoke to people who’d lost faith in labour and vowed to regain trust. Later admitting it was a ‘tough gig’, he said it was better than a ‘warm bath’ with electors who agreed with him.

The UK football Policing Unit (UKFPU) announced a hate crime inquiry, working closely with social media companies. 5 arrested so far, Insta head Adam Mosseri admitted they failed to flag some racist comments but insisted the issue was since resolved: “it is absolutely not okay to send racist emojis, or any kind of hate speech on Instagram. To imply otherwise is to be deliberately misleading and sensational.”

Pingdemic

Very humid on Friday, I got hot and tired doing housework and frustrated doing stuff on the computer. The internet flaky for over a day now, I gave up and went to the co-op. Gaps on shelves, especially in the salad aisle, could be explained by everyone having picnics and barbecues, or by supply chain staff being pinged but obviously nowt to do with Brexit! At the till, I related our Pioneer’s Museum visit to the friendly cashier. She’d never been; I was surprised it wasn’t part of their induction. Phil arrived to join in, helped pack and carried groceries. After lunch, I sanded bubbles off the garden bench caused by last week’s rain and applied more varnish. I’d noticed the rose bush near the front door now reached the landing window and lopped at it as a neighbour bemoaned the lost blooms. I lay down but it was too hot to rest so ate a magnum. In the evening, we watched old DVDs, including a rerun of Britannia season 1, forgetting how long the first episode was. We drank too much wine, stayed up too late, became over-tired and had another crappy night.

The ONS revealed 154,000 total deaths, the R value still 1.2-1.4 but daily cases over 50,000 already. Chris Witless said hospital cases could reach ‘quite scary’ levels. Over ½ a million pinged in the last week, problems with test results resurfaced. Public services, firms and unions predicted shut-downs as staff self-isolated, affecting amongst others, the NHS, the Nissan plant and Leeds bin men. In the coming days, food producers, carriers and purveyors would join the chorus warning of a ‘pingdemic’. Workers ditching the app, the government again promised tweaks to make it less sensitive but refused to shorten the month-long gap between ‘Freedom Day’ and relaxed quarantine rules. Scientists predicted modifications to TIT would lead to undetected cases and ‘missed opportunities to reduce transmission’. Prof. Calum Semple reported 1:3 hospital cases suffered ‘acute covid injury’ (damage to heart, lungs or kidneys). PHE warned of spikes in norovirus when restrictions eased. Outbreaks in nurseries already far more than normal for summer, they didn’t explain why. Floods devastated parts of Germany, Belgium and Holland. Cars piled up, homes swept away, thousands were left homeless, 128 died and 1,300 went missing. Europeans blamed politicians.

Feeling wobbly Saturday morning, I braved the blazing sun to varnish bare patches on the garden bench. Walking Friend came past on her way to work and complemented my hat. Worn for essential rather than fashion reasons, I worried she’d fry without one. She assured me she was buying a parasol. Phil sawed wood planks to size and fixed the broken planter. I pottered slowly as the heat built up. Phil absent-mindedly sat on the recently-varnished bench, causing alarm. He said I over-reacted, I got angry and stormed indoors to cool off. He apologised and promised to fix any damage; thankfully, there was none. Nipping to the co-op for bread, I found reduced pastries for lunch which cheered us up. Doing anything online still a trial, Phil spent an hour on the phone to Talk-Talk, half of which was taken up locating bank details for security. No longer getting paper statements, he found it quite absurd. The connection improved marginally, but didn’t last long.

Outdoor activity resulted in filthy feet, smelly armpits and sweaty hair. We showered and changed before dinner. Struggling to stay awake earlier, I had more sleep but again woke too early Sunday morning. Still warm but cloudy, we visited the nearby clough for the cool of trees and water. Invited to join a gig in the hippie garden, I politely said maybe later but added to Phil “they’re probably a bunch of anti-maskers.” “You’re too judgemental.” “Maybe.” A Guardian family selfishly hogged the island, blocking access to stepping-stones. Phil forded the stream further up while I threw rocks in. Failing to land straight enough for my liking, I waited for him to return from the waterfall. He crossed back on my newly-placed stones, saying they were fine. On the top path, a coffee cup imprinted with a baby foot seemed a bit special to be abandoned at the foot of a tree. At the stone bridge, we examined incredibly tall flowers and waited for a youngster to vacate the bench so we could rest. Back at the lower end, the family had shifted. We stepped across to the islands. Newly-deposited shingle stretched almost to the weir and gave the impression of walking on water (see haiga aboveⁱⁱ). Taking a different way home, we gave the heaving town centre a wide berth. Sleeping was mediocre at best in the sultry heat of the night.

Neil Ferguson told Marr infections could reach 200,000 a day, double previous estimates. Claiming a data breach, CCTV footage of The Cock and Gina had been seized in raids. Victoria Newton from The Sun called it ‘outrageous’ to treat whistle-blowing as not in the public interest. In an exposé of trouble at Wembley, they revealed security guards took bribes from ticketless fans. The FA commissioned an independent review. Goblin Saj got covid even after 2 jabs and self-isolated. It emerged contacts in government didn’t have to due to taking part in public sector pilots of ‘test and release’ which no one had ever heard of. Jon Ashworth said it was another example of one rule for them, another for everyone else. Marr ridiculously asked him 10 times if he supported fully opening up, even though he clearly answered. Boris later U-turned; he and Rishi Rich would isolate because they didn’t want ‘Freedom Day’ to become a free for all (sic). Holiday-makers on Ibiza and Mykonos were banned from dancing and a rise in the Beta variant led to France becoming ‘amber plus’ for travel, making quarantine mandatory again and creating yet more confusion. As the pingdemic spread over the weekend, the Metropolitan Line shut and M&S shortened hours due to staff absences.

Part 57 – Line of Acronyms

“In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, to contribute to solving overpopulation” (Prince Philip)

Barking Mad

Patches of white lay atop roofs on a sunny Easter Monday. Phil slept in while I exercised and did free puzzles in Metro. After a late breakfast of toasted hot cross buns, I posted blogs, just finishing as the skies turned changeable. Itching to go out, we debated whether to visit town for a burnt snack and the virtual duck race, thought better of it and agreed to escape ‘up tops’ instead. Things became a bit fraught as we prepared to leave the house, and I feared we’d miss the next bus. I needn’t have worried. Although it had sounded quieter than the previous 2 insanely busy days, cars streamed on the main road. A traffic jam stretched to bridge. “That’s people not going to the virtual duck race,” I quipped.

Predictably late as a consequence, a few other passengers rode the bus, all alighting in the first village. We got off at the junction of a country lane where adorable spring lambs eyed us curiously from patchwork fields as we passed. At the farm shop, only one customer was allowed in at a time. I waited to buy pop and we stood in a patch of sun, well away from a couple drinking beer and a picnicking family. A large sow snuffled at straw inside the barn behind us. Manic squealing ensued as a litter of piglets clambered and tugged at each other to feed. Mindful of social distancing, we in turn jockeyed for position with small children and a pair of women also peered over the metal gate to witness the spectacle.

Walking down to the clough, we were chased by dogs where the path crossed farmland. I yelled at the woman who’d appeared near the farmhouse: “It’s not on! This is a public right of way!” Shaken by the encounter, we got off their land as quickly as possible. In the clough, straggling family groups and elderly men impeded our progress to the garlic fields for the second forage of the season.

Proceeding home via the bridleway, a horse rider thanked us for standing on the verge for her to pass. A woman accompanied by 2 kids and 2 spaniels walked the opposite way. “Oh no, it’s the stupidest, craziest of all dog breeds,” Phil tittered. One of the dogs broke from the group and bounded towards us.

Braced for another stressful experience, it veered off the path, apparently chasing a deer. I suggested to the woman she put her dogs on leads. “What?” “You need to put your dogs on leads. There are deer here.” “I live here!” she responded. “Your dog just chased a deer!” “Ooh, scary!” she laughed. Angered by the incident and by inconsiderate dog-owners in general, I asked Phil: “I live here? What the hell does that mean?“ “That she owns the place? “Well, she should care more about the bloody wildlife then, shouldn’t she. Cold-hearted bitch!” Recalling the horse rider, I considered it barking mad that dogs didn’t have to be kept on leads on a bridleway. However, owners were required to control them so they didn’t intimidate animals, or people for that matter, on any public right of way. (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

In the evening, our walking friend texted to ask if we fancied going to another garlic spot the next day. Although we’d just got a pile, I was always up for a new harvesting place and said yes. At bedtime, I was troubled by recurring thoughts of encounters with dogs and the drone of railway engineering works. Hard to sleep, I tried earplugs, then the meditation tape, then the noise suddenly stopped enabling a few fitful hours.

Covid cases dropped 44% and hospitalisations by a quarter in the past week. The Boris Briefing confirmed the next step (or ‘waymark’) on the roadmap would proceed next week. Hairdressers, beer gardens and shops could re-open, with extended hours up to 10 p.m. but social distancing still in place. Covid Status Certification set to be trialled, The Bumbler promised we wouldn’t need them for “the shops, pub garden or hairdressers on Monday.” He stopped short of saying they wouldn’t be required inside pubs in May. 70 MPs set to vote against the Covid Passes, including 40 tories, Rachel Reeves said Labour didn’t see the point with the success of the vaccine programme. Boris made no pledges on travel but confirmed a traffic lights system with more details due later in the week. From Friday, everyone could have 2 tests per week. While we wondered what the point was and where the cash was going, the government said it would be paid for out of the existing TIT budget. So was it a ruse to justify Dildo’s existence? Allyson Pollock of Newcastle University called it a “scandalous waste of money” and warned that as cases fell, false-positives would rise and people forced to needlessly self-isolate.

Egged On

After a freezing night, Tuesday also started sunny and cold with a sprinkling of white. Chores done, we planned an early lunch before meeting our walking friend. Suddenly, small snowflakes started to fall. I rang her to say there was no chance of going garlic-picking and parried her efforts to persuade me otherwise. “I knew something like this would happen,” she said, “I thought one flake of snow, and Mary will cry off.” “And I knew you’d try and talk me into it!” We had a laugh and nattered about her new semi-retired life, antibodies, vaccines, and meeting up soon. As a mixture of wintry showers plagued the afternoon, the temperature plummeted. Glad I’d stood firm, it also gave me chance to catch up on editing photos and writing. The din of night-time engineering was replaced by caterwauling on the street below. Thankfully, it didn’t interfere with sleep as much.

As the blood clot issue re-surfaced, Boris went to the AZ* plant in Macclesfield to be quizzed on concerns the vaccine caused CVT*. He directed us to the MHRA* where studies were ongoing but trials on youngsters were halted. He insisted there was ‘no data’ to suggest deviating from the roadmap out of lockdown while SPI-M* warned of a rise at the final stage in June. The Cock claimed Valneva produced a ‘strong immune response’ although this was only based on a study of 153 people. Cases in Chile rose even though 37% of the population had at least 1 dose of Sinovax. Reportedly due to complacency, travel in or out of the country was banned for a month. Concerns over the Chinese vaccine would emerge later in the week. Australia and NZ* agreed to allow travel between the two without quarantine. Here, Border Force claimed 40% of 40,000 fliers into the UK* and 90% of travellers on Eurostar were tourists. The government denied it. Airline bosses moaned that holidays would ‘costa packet’, with up to 6 PCR* tests required (lab analysis making them better at detecting variants than rapid flow tests). Irene Hays appeared on BBC Breakfast to laud ‘sea-cations’ (aka Brexit cruises). The latest Yorkshire fire entailed a recycling pile in Doncaster – what was it with daft fires in this county?

A similar picture Wednesday, I hoovered, wrote and went to the co-op for a hefty top-up shop. School holidays still on, hordes hithered and dithered in the aisles. Obviously too cold for coffee-cupping today! Already stressed, I swore at a young man behind me at the till who didn’t wait for me to move before slamming a box of beer down on the conveyor belt. I rushed to the end where the cashier asked me if I was alright. “Some people just don’t give a shit,” I complained, to which she nodded. On exiting, I removed my face mask. My specs promptly fell on the pavement making me swear again. Hands full, I struggled to the zebra and glared at a speeding driver. He screeched to a halt. I paused at the corner to sort myself out when Geordie Neighbour approached. We walked and talked back to our street, about the weather and the discomfort of extreme walking. I mentioned the ace job his partner had done on the community garden and told him some of the history of the land; we’d collaborated with a couple of neighbours and councillors to rescue it from auction some years ago. Developing neck pain later, I cursed myself for using dam rucksacks when shopping. A massage and shifting into a more comfy position helped somewhat at bedtime.

The MHRA issued new guidance to not use AZ on those under 30. Though not confirmed it caused clots, Jenny Raine said the evidence was ‘firming up’. An estimated 6,000 lives saved and only 19 deaths out of 20 million vaccines given, The EMA* wanted the ‘very rare side effects’ listed on packs and people with blood disorders to consult their doctor. JCVI’s* Anthony Harnden assured us detection of the possible link showed the ‘yellow card’ system worked and it was no more risky than pregnancy, taking the contraceptive pill, or taking a long-haul flight. As the SNP* and Labour ruled out backing proposals on Covid Passes, Keir called messaging a mess: “only a few weeks ago the prime minister was saying he was thinking of vaccine passports to go to the pub – now he says isn’t. One day he’s talking about tests – then certificates. It’s a complete mess.” Ian Blackford added: “the tory position has been mired in confusion and contradiction.” CRG* deputy chair Steve Baker warned the proposed document would lead to a “miserable dystopia of Checkpoint Britain.” However, domestic certificates would likely be wrapped up with nigh inevitable international covid passports, to garner more votes. With only 8% of Brazilians vaccinated, the P1 variant led to 4,000 deaths in a day. More transmissible and infecting young people, it spread throughout South America and across the globe. Deliveroo denied IWGB* claims that hundreds took part in strike action, saying their drivers were happy. Shares rose slightly after a shaky start last week.

Another boring day, Thursday I aimed to do yoga in the afternoon but by the time a heap of chores were done, I’d had enough and lay down to rest instead. The roses Phil bought me at Easter had bloomed into a fabulous floral splendour, providing a splash of colour to a dull midweek.

18,000 new trains were arriving in time for Monday’s non-essential shopping trips. A study of 150,000 people indicated jabs broke the link between Covid and death but the number of hearts on the wall alongside St. Thomas’ Hospital still grew. It was odd I didn’t ever walk that way when I worked there many moons ago. Philippine president Duerte shielded from his staff who all had Covid. As ‘the troubles’ rumbled on, Stormont held an emergency sitting and Brad Lewis went to Belfast for urgent talks. Wednesday night, a bus was hijacked and burnt, and factions clashed either side of a gate on the so-called peace wall, between Shankill Road and Springfield Road. Teenagers threw missiles and petrol bombs. PSNI* fired rubber bullets and water cannons, just like the old days. The next night, community workers formed a human chain to prevent rioters reaching the gate at Lanark Way. Commentators cited a number of causes including a backlash against an IRA funeral last summer, the Brexit border in the Irish Sea and ‘increased rancour in the political sphere’. Loyalists were accused of egging on rioting youths. Interviewed on BBC news, a young man called Joel said people saw Sinn Fein winning and Loyalists under attack.

Adding to the 4 known forces of physics (gravity, electromagnetism, the strong force and the weak force) a new one was allegedly found. When muons were fired into a circular magnetic track, they wobbled. The elliptical result prompted Phil to call them ‘eggons’. The STFC* said it gave: “strong evidence for the existence of an undiscovered sub-atomic particle or new force” but not conclusive proof. Smiley Prof. Brian Cox enthused: “It would be the biggest discovery in particle physics for many years.” Shamelessly touting his upcoming Horizons tour, I laughed: “he’s nicked Count Arthur Strong’s idea. Well, that’s one way of dealing with merciless piss-taking!”

The Final Wipe-Down

Starting to feel ill the night before, I tried a few stretches Friday morning before succumbing to the inevitable. Back in bed, I worked on the laptop to post a composite of the last 2 foraging trips on Cool Places. Phil worked downstairs, brought me lunch and went to the co-op for weekend supplies. Hoping to catch afternoon quiz shows, I turned the telly on to discover that Prince Philip had died. Incessant news coverage ensued, leading to 1000,000 official complaints. I whinged to an empty room. Accepting they had to do this stuff, I didn’t see why it had to be on all the channels, all the time. The endless cycle of toadying didn’t even include any of the Duke of Edinburgh’s famous gaffes (see example above).

Launching his ‘framework for travel’, Shats used classic double-speak, NOT saying don’t book foreign holidays. The DfT* refused to confirm they’d be allowed from 17^th May, said there’d be an initial assessment early May and a review 28^th June to see if ‘measures could be rolled back’. Shats admitted PCR tests were expensive and was trying to bring costs down. Jet2 extended the suspension of flights until June due to a lack of clarity. As UCL* modelling predicted herd immunity would be reached in time for pub and shop re-opening Monday, Debenhams was holding a fire sale at 97 stores. Vaccine hesitancy amongst ethnic minorities reportedly dropped to 6%, the Kent virus was now dominant in the USA*, and Slovakia said the Russian Sputnik V vaccine was rubbish.

I managed a few hours kip that night but woke in the early light at 6.00 a.m. Car doors slammed and people prattled inanely. Either the shed people or the flat residents had apparently been to an all-nighter.

Still ailing at the weekend, I only ventured downstairs for short spells. Most of the time, I sat abed, writing and watching telly. BBC 1 still showed interminable coverage of the dead duke including a noon gun salute and a remembrance service, but at least it wasn’t all the channels like Friday. Saturday, I tried to ignore the unremitting chatter of the flat residents in their garden. On his return from shopping, I told Phil it was doing my nut in and suspected it was them I’d heard coming home at 6.00 a.m. “We used to be like that when we were young,” he reminded me. “Yes, but not in a time of Covid!”

Sunday began startlingly bright as overnight snowfall dramatically reflected a blue sky. It was beautiful but hurt my eyes, especially as I attempted to capture the stunning scene on camera. By the time we’d bathed and breakfasted, most of the snow had melted. It became grey and cold as the sun went in. Freezing and achy, I went back to bed and draft-posted the next instalment of the journal. More snow fell later, but the soggy flakes didn’t stick. Although not unusual to have wintry showers in April, I’d never known it snow this late before.

Phil ventured to the convenience store in a clear spell, reporting town inevitably busy in anticipation of pubs opening in the morning. News media dubbed it ‘the final wipe-down’ and featured extra outdoor seating sprawled across pub carparks and pavements. “It’s all looking a bit medieval,” he laughed. Inspired to mock the latest government campaigns, my spoof poster only got one laugh on Facebook – what was wrong with people?

I stayed up to watch Line of Duty – or Line of Acronyms as we now called it – just about keeping apace of the lingo as they prated about AC-12, CHIS, OCG and MIT*. I returned to bed with a heavy head as though a weight pressed down above my eyes. The drone of railway engineering works again mitigated attempts to sleep. Using earplugs and the meditation tape, I eventually dropped into fractious slumber.

As vaccinations reached 32m and 7.5m had 2 doses, Phil said only 7 people died of Covid. I agreed that seemed negligible, but figures at the weekend were always lower due to reporting lags. George Fu Gao, head of the CCDCI* said something needed to be done to address the poor efficacy of Sinovax, just above 50%. After his comments went viral, social media posts were deleted and Gao later claimed his comments were misinterpreted.

Rishi’s text replies to David Camoron on the Greensill issue were published; he was ‘pushing for alternatives’ but with ‘no guarantees.’ It then emerged that in 2019, the ex-PM lobbied for Greensill to be given NHS contracts. Drinks with Matt Cock were apparently ‘a social occasion’ so didn’t have to be reported, and broke no rules. Would that be the rules Camoron drew up? He later said he should have used the proper channels. Labour replied that if rules weren’t broken, it was because they weren’t strict enough. In advance of publication Thursday, former tory minister Alan Duncan’s memoirs had already been serialised in The Daily Mail. He hilariously called The Glove-Puppet an unctuous freak, Gavin Salesman a venomous self-seeking little shit, Nasty Patel a nightmare, and The Bumbler an embarrassing buffoon.

*Lines of acronyms:

AZ – Astra-Zeneca

CVT – Cerebral Venous Thrombosis

MHRA – Medicines and Health Products Regulatory Agency

SPI-M – Scientific Pandemic Influenza Group on Modelling

NZ – New Zealand

UK – United Kingdom

PCR – Polymerase Chain Reaction

EMA – European Medicines Agency

JCVI – Joint Committee for Immunisation and Vaccination

SNP – Scottish Nationalist Party

CRG – Covid Recovery Group

IWGB – Independent Workers of Great Britain

PSNI – Police Service Northern Ireland

STFC – Science and Technology Facilities Council

DFT – Department for Transport

UCL – University College London

USA – United Sates of America

AC (as in AC-12) – Anti Corruption

CHIS – Covert Human Intelligence Source

OCG – Organised Crime Group

MIT – Murder Investigation Team

CCDCI – Chinese Centre for Disease Control and Infection

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

seasons