Corvus Bulletin 10: The Nasty Party

“Suella Braverman’s use of the word hurricane is intentional. It presents people as a threat, making it easy to commit acts of barbarism against (them). It’s sinister, it’s shocking, that that language is used by our Home Secretary” (Emma Dabiri)

Vowing to review ‘hair-brained schemes’ such as ULEZ, Rishi Rich went to a scruffy-looking Salford 1^st October to squirm as Laura K. quizzed him on tory Cornwall council wanting 20 mph zones, electioneering and HS2. Party members leaving in droves, including nice capitalist Richard Walker, minister’s conference speeches were shifted to a small auditorium but Shatts still had to fill the front row with aides.

Gill Keegan proposed to ban mobile phones in schools. Concrete crumbling and kids falling behind in their development due to covid lockdowns, it was good to know she was focused on the real priorities! The C**t said he’d raise the national living wage to £11, strengthen benefit sanctions and freeze civil service recruitment to cut £63,000 jobs, saving £1bn in 2024. Swellen warned of a hurricane of mass migration. Raucously applauded by acolytes, others railed at her reckless language. Alicia Kearns advised caution in the use of words. Totally delusional Trussed-Up Liz tipped up to urge ‘New Conservatives’ (yet another splinter group) to ‘unleash their inner conservative’.* She and Nasty Patel praised ‘disrupter’ GB news for taking on the establishment. Eh? They were the establishment! More enthusiastic clapping was followed by a Twitter backlash likening it to 1984. Patel then went dancing with Farage. The horror of the Nasty Duo could never be unseen!

Channel 4’s film Partygate brought some light relief. Its focus on the antics of Number 10 aides amusing, it shied away from implicating ministers. No doubt lawyers had something to do with that.

Having promised to make a ‘considered decision’ on HS2, Rishi used his conference speech, ironically in an old Manchester train station, to confirm scrapping the northern leg. The saved £36bn would be reinvested in transport infrastructure across the country such as ‘network north’ links, electrified train lines, Leeds trams and a new Bradford station – again! Pleasing Lee Anderthal who though HS2 ‘a load of nonsense’ and lauded by the faithful, he was lambasted by everyone else. Ex-PMs Boris and Camoron believed cancelling a project with cross-party consensus wrong and Will Wragg tweeted there was only one thing worse than a white elephant; half a white elephant. Tory mayor Andy Street who’d joined The Bunman in pleading for it not to be scrapped, almost resigned. Bunman was livid at treating northerners as second class citizens by making such a big announcement at conference. Tracy Bin called it a betrayal and Henri Murrison of Northern Powerhouse Partnership called it a ‘national economic tragedy’. The Budget destined to outlive Rishi’s tenure, he subsequently claimed the projects (some of which had already been built) were ‘illustrative’. Government unwilling to put a figure on funds available in the near future, they insisted HS2 would still reach Euston. It then emerged that was fully dependent on private investment. So like all Rishi’s decisions, money was the overriding factor, explaining the damning word cloud Laura K. confronted him with.

Despite Rishi reciting a gammon wish-list and idiotically saying ‘a man is a man, a woman is a woman, it’s just common sense’, even Daily Mail readers weren’t happy. Perhaps, like the rest of us, they didn’t believe any of the promised projects would actually happen or maybe they preferred the Nasty Duo.

Suspended over breaking coronavirus laws, Margaret Ferrier had been removed as Rutherglen MP and labour won the seat 5^th October by a landslide. On QT, red wall tory Dick Holden denied Swellen’s rhetoric sounded like Enoch Powell. Irish writer Emma Dabiri considered it ’intentional, sinister and shocking’. After saying tories had ‘drifted out of touch’ during the cost of living crisis, failed to conserve the economy, high street, farming, rivers and seas, zero carbon obligations, schools or the NHS, Richard Walker expanded on why he left the party. He was also worried shopworkers, with already enough to do, would have to enforce new smoking laws. Emma Dabiri ended the programme talking about hyper-normalisation; the old Nazi trick of replacing the real narrative with a fake, simple one. Yep, that was what was happening alright!

On Laura K. 8^th October, Curry’s boss Alex Baldock decried daft planning laws – the Chinese built a whole railway in the time it took to build a single UK factory. At the labour conference in Liverpool, Steve Reed told a fringe meeting tories were shit. Although her boss said a mess of ‘rehashed old promises’ rendered a future labour government re-committing to HS2 impossible, Reeves promised a review of the fiasco as well as a Covid Corruption Commissioner to recoup money, and a rebuilt Britain when she was chancellor.

In his oration, Keir said we’d had 13 years of things can only get better followed by 13 years of things getting worse but Britain could heal and get its future back. His new labour meant an end to sticking-plaster politics, a proper plan to fix tomorrow’s problems today, no more gesture politics and a party of service putting the country first. Promising big, he cautioned it needed a decade’s hard work – i.e., jam tomorrow. I doubt he won over the gammons with his plans to bulldoze local opposition to build 1.5 m houses. Jacketless and hair sparkling, he’d been pranked by a posh boy shouting about true democracy. The protestor was dragged out and put in a police van. We wondered what the charge was. Glittering in a public place?**

*At a NewsXchange conference in Dublin a few months ago, Truss referred to the lettuce outlasting her Downing Street tenure as ‘puerile’ rather than real journalism. A bit rich seeing as she wasn‘t a real PM!

** People Demand Democracy (‘friends’ of JSO) later claimed responsibility.

The Corvus Papers 2: Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Pyre

“It has sometimes been observed that what leaders do for their people today is government and politics. But what they do for the people of tomorrow – that is statesmanship” (Queen Elizabeth II)

Pomp And Circumstance

Phil started work at the convenience store on 1^st September. I tackled chores and admin, ringing the GP surgery twice. 29^th in the queue, I hung up to try again later to be 50 something in the queue! I didn’t have time for a third attempt before the booked pension advice call. The nice Moneywise man provided tons of info, giving me head fug. Going out for air, an acquaintance dumped garden waste. I bit my tongue, even though she was still doing it on my return. I got nothing on the rammed but sparse market but ordered smoked salmon from the fishmonger. Phil interrupted my writing in the evening, asking where AJs was (who delivered bacon butties to The Store staff). “No idea. Ask them!” A very early start Saturday, he got home knackered but with interesting facts about supplying local cafés and specialists sorting newspapers. How quaint! A fellow photographer mate who worked there years ago, wasn’t surprised to see him, but my old art teacher was. Well, he was a bit pompous.

After e-mailing siblings about my birthday fundraiser Monday, Elder Sis made a generously commensurate donation to mark my 60^th and Big Sis donated a tirade on DEC corruption. I delayed replying to devise a diplomatic answer. As I hung washing, our old next-door neighbour and companion sat out, during a visit while the Polish woman visited her homeland. We shared tips on upcoming seaside trips and news of Phil’s job. She reckoned the boss was a bit of a B… Warm and sunny late afternoon, Phil asked if I wanted to go out. I snapped at another thoughtless interruption, he stomped off, but came back for an apology. Feeling uncomfortable, stuff to do and unable to think where we’d go at that time of day, I suggested sitting outside for vitamins. He squatted on the kerb chatting with old next-door neighbour. I joined in discussing health, languages, Europe and Brexit when The Widower came past. Next-door asked had he seen The Student? She then turned up with the rest of the tribe, having got back from Germany last week. “Zer gut!” The put-upon stepdad ferried stuff from the car. “Have you been camping?” “No, a cottage for a few days but we needed to take tons of stuff.” No idea why! Tuesday, workmen fixed the step at long last. Phil on the early shift again, in the afternoon, he rested and showered. “That’s better. I’ve got a week off, even though I’ve only been there a week.” “Yes but you weren’t supposed to be working till after our hols. Does it still feel weird going to actual work?” “Yes.” “It’s when it doesn’t feel weird you need to worry.” “Why?” “Cos you might give up other pursuits and think: ‘I’ll just work in the shop’.” “Like people in the pub?: ‘I used to be a photographer’.” “Exactly! It’s a slippery slope!” Starting Wednesday wobbly and itchy, I took medicines and persevered with housework. Phil amicably helped change bedding but unkindly mocked me tripping on the bedframe. I then slipped on a large letter on the doormat – more stupid pensions crap! Phil went secret shopping and I went to charity shops. Dumping books, I found nowt, but the community shop’s free school uniform rail was a good idea. In the evening, Phil insisted on toasting my birthday with fizz.

Boris went to Suffolk to gush about £700 million for Sizewell C, 1 of 8 nuclear power plants, not yet agreed with EDF and not operational until the 2030’s. Blaming labour for lack of planning, he obviously forgot Gordy Brown signed off 10 new plants in 2009. As he also suggested we buy better kettles to save £10 a year, Rayner said he wasn’t living in the real world, evinced by him embarking on a farewell tour! On the new Laura K Sunday prog, having ditched her promise of no direct help, Trussed-Up (who I’d just discovered shared my first name in real life) said it was good that rich people benefitted more from tax cuts and she’d have the energy crisis sorted in a week.

Raucous applause from Joe Lycett, the Daily Mail were incensed at him mocking their incoming leader. He kept up the pretence on Jeremy Vine the next day. As Truss was crowned Queen of Gammons Monday, she said ‘deliver’ a lot, Nasty Patel resigned and Big Ben ominously stopped. A Cabinet from Hell included Swellen as home sec and Therese Coffee-Cup as health sec FFS! Jeremy Vine asked if the morbidly obese, cigar-smoking boozer was a good role model. Clearly not! Farage gin trended on twitter. At 7.30 a.m. Tuesday, The Bumbler orated on it being time to pass on the baton, likening it to a relay race when someone changed the rules halfway through. Look who’s talking! Invested at Balmoral Tuesday, Trussed-Up flew back to stand at a wet lectern and ape Churchill, saying she’d take action every day to encourage growth by cutting taxes, deal with gas prices and get us all GP appointments (if only!) In fact, nothing happened for a fortnight apart from a very boring PMQs.

Dutch scientists used data from the Cambridge University Covid-19 sounds app (ongoing for 2 years, I’d never heard of it), to develop one that could detect symptoms, possibly more reliably than LFTs. Bristol Zoo closed due to falling numbers during lockdowns. Tracy Dustbin announced the promised low West Yorkshire bus fares. Starting Sunday, the maximum single fare was £2 and a day fare £4.50. BBC breakfast highlighted the plight of those in sheltered housing not covered by the price cap and OVO energy founder Stephen Fitzpatrick published a 10-point plan including subsidies. Benefitting low income households, with less help for those who used more energy, he had some good ideasⁱ. Unlike Edwina Currie, stupidly suggesting putting foil behind radiators. That’d do a lot of good seeing as we would hardly ever have the heating on; how about tapestries? The Guardian suggested cooking a baked potato in the microwave. Did they have Sean Bean’s recipe? The Which? column in Metro called for a minimum geographic baseline for access to cash. Almost 1,000 migrants intercepted crossing the channel Saturday, refugee minister Lord Harrington resigned saying the job of helping Ukrainians in need was done. As it was revealed Shamima Begum was smuggled into Syria by a Canadian spook, lawyers challenged the removal of her citizenship on the grounds that she was a trafficking victim. It reminded us of a film we saw where those nasty Canadian spooks left a kid rotting in a Thai jail.

Orangeoke

Alcohol and insomnia led to a groggy start Thursday 8^th. Phil also discombobulated, he made 3 attempts to say happy birthday. I treated myself to a mini-spa while he fetched the salmon to cook a posh brekkie. Pouring the end of the fizz for a toast, we had 1 sip and spent the morning trying to finish it – we couldn’t hack morning drinking anymore! He made a card from a cute classic car photo, complete with number plates labelled ‘Happy Birthday Mary’ and matching gift tags for more pressies than I expected. After unwrapping, I read Facebook messages and sent one to a cousin who shared my birthdate. Walking Friend called with sunflowers and a gift bag of goodies before a filling 2-course lunch deal at The Cypriot. Fuddled by cocktails, we palavered over splitting the bill and finished the drinks out on the street. Too quiet for after-school time, the reasons became clear later. Walking Friend came back for coffee, cake and Count Arthur Strong on DVD. Facing the grim prospect of coming home between rail strike days, I didn’t blame her for not visiting us in Scarborough the following week. Unbeknown to us, industrial action was postponed, explaining no altered schedule, but a medical emergency at Scarborough station delayed our return. Feeling stuffed and sleepy, I managed to edit celebratory photos and take a phone pic of a postcard stuck on the bedroom mirror, but recreating the vintage North Cliff view proved nigh impossible. The friendly seaside town offering much more than we remembered from our youth, we had a great holiday, avoiding scary Orangeoake at an unfathomable loyalist pub! (See Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ).

The queen’s demise confirmed at 6.30 p.m., Phil reckoned she died around 3, hence the hush, the royals flying to Balmoral and the palace saying she was ‘under medical supervision’ (a euphemism for euthanasia; protocol to prevent hanging on). Weirdly only 2 days after investing Trussed-Up, not only had a monarch never died in our lifetime before, a new PM and King in the same week was unprecedented. I’d never forget the date but at least I dodged a big 60^th celebration which would’ve been totally overshadowed.

Cue interminable toadying and suspension of parliament – so much for deliver, deliver, deliver! Saturday’s proclamation by King Charles III a load of pompous guff, it was historically made public for the first time. Appointed leader of the house and lord president of the privy council only 4 days ago, Penny Mordor led proceedings. It was followed next day by proclamations across the land (hence spotting a man in a funny hat in Scarborough), a King’s address Monday at Westminster Hall to both Houses, and Jeremy Vine observing Queenie had met more people than anyone else on the planet. By the week’s end, queues to see her lying in state grew to 24 hours, snaking into Southwark Park and forcing its closure. Among the throngs, a woman unbelievably with her mum’s ashes, David Beckham and Jacinda Ardern filed past. Jacinda subsequently gushed about the dead queen to Laura K, who showed a good snippet of her saying doing stuff for people today was leadership, but doing stuff for tomorrow was statesmanship. Touché! That’s why there were no statesmen these days. In contrast to the virtue signalling, Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby were accused of queue-jumping. Defending their actions as a segment for This Morning, Holly was in bits. Sky News presenter Sarah-Jane Mee mistook people protesting The Met fatally shooting Chris Kaba for royal mourners, prompting 598 Ofcom complaints.

The least global deaths since March 2020, WHO Dr Tedros saw the end of the pandemic in sight. Having clicked links in texts received before our hols to find covid boosters unbookable, Look North urged so to get them! SNP MP Margaret Farrier received 270 hours community service. GDP rose 0.2% in July; less than expected because of the heatwave.

Retail sales fell 1.6% in August and the pound fell to a 37-year low of $1.13. Unemployment down to 3.9% in the last quarter, inflation was 9.9%, mainly because petrol fell 7.5% but food prices went up 1.5%. The John Lewis Partnership ‘forgo profit’ to give staff £500 each and raise starter pay by 4%. Amazon warehouse staff in Coventry were balloted on strike action. An EU windfall tax would raise more than €140bn towards energy bills. Meanwhile, the UK government said post-Brexit Northern Ireland border check suspension would continue and promised to backdate support for businesses, giving no details. Rich twat Chancellor Kwasi Modo planned to lift the bankers’ bonus cap. Labour 17 points ahead in some polls, idiot Lizzie Chat-show said they had one problem: Keir Starmer who didn’t even know what a woman was. Say, what now? At the party conference, Keir pledged to create a state-owned Great British Energy corporation to invest in green infrastructure, gain independence from Russia, drive growth and create a million jobs. IMF watching the dire UK situation, he said the tories had not only failed to fix the roof but “ripped out the foundations, smashed through the windows and blown the doors off for good measure.” He was met by standing ovations and a race row as MP Rupa Huq was suspended for calling Kwasi ‘superficially black’. She stopped shy of calling him a coconut and later apologised for ‘ill-judged comments’. Ukrainian gains in Kharkiv, Olena went to Strasbourg for the EC president’s state of the union address where Von Hitler said Vlad the Impaler would fail and declared solidarity with Ukraine, and husband Vlod went to Izium, crashing his car driving back to Kyiv. Turkish cargo ship Anatolian was allegedly fired on by Greek coastguards. New Met chief Mark Rowley started work.

A Huge Gamble

Tired from the prolonged train journey, I’d retired early Friday and spent most of the weekend writing up diaries, editing photos, washing and buying groceries. After sitting around for 3 hours Sunday, Phil declared he didn’t have time for lunch before his shift. Irked by unnecessary stress, I fed him coffee and cake then tidied the garden, seeing The Student to-ing and fro-ing in different coats in case it rained. Unaware The Woman-Next-Door sat in her parked car, she made me jump opening the door. Her Polish trip part holiday, part treatment for olfactory issues, she was a veritable ‘I saw you coming’ mug for every New Age therapy going! Fatigued, I went back in but at least I’d had fresh air and social contact.

Monday declared a Bank Holiday, media covered nowt but the dead queen. Deathly quiet, we heard 1 car, 1 train and bickering crows. Even The Store, open on Christmas day, shut 10-1. I stuck telly on as the state funeral procession set off from Westminster Hall for the abbey service with posh singing and an idiotic speech from Trussed-Up. The gun carriage slow-march to Admiralty Arch interminable and hypnotic, we wondered where all the Quality Street soldiers came from. World leaders told to catch the bus, Uncle Joe brought The Beast and Queen Margarite of Denmark caught covid.

Forcing myself to rise Tuesday, I made good progress with the new ‘corvus papers’ method. Phil asked if I needed any shopping. “Yes, There’s a list. I suppose you want smoking stuff.” “Yes I was going to town but I’ll go co-op.” In the end, he went on his errand then met me to help carry groceries and call me cheeky for chucking things in his rucksack. Still avoiding fuel use and experimenting with clothes-drying techniques, I realised I’d worn the same socks 2 days solid! Wednesday, I did boring stuff and Phil worked late. Slamming the front door on his return, the living room door swung open, bringing in a mass of cold air. I didn’t get warm all night. After cleaning the bathroom Thursday, I collapsed on the bed with a sigh. Phil asked what was wrong;, leading to a tirade on the wearisomeness of everyday life. Hard getting back to normal after the break, I’d just started to feel less overwhelmed by drudgery, when he’d dropped the bombshell he was working all next weekend. It wasn’t his fault but an inability to plan was stressful. He promised to ask why he was doing far more than the alleged 16 hours a week, made coffee and proffered choc biscuit misshapes, which he’d got from The Store (along with 3 packs of gammon steak) and already scoffed loads. Going to town, beech nuts on the street crunched beneath our feet and confetti festooned the old bridge. He checked his shifts and I perused the market. Toiletries scant, I scowled at a woman with sharp elbows rudely stretching over to pay while I was transacting. My mind went blank buying veg. Phil caught up to take photos of Chantilly carrots, making Jolly Veg Man laugh. As Phil strode across the square towards a parliament of corvids, I felt faint, flopped on a seat and decided lunch was overdue. Going home via the new bridge, he mused: “what’s in the river today?” “Ducks, sticks, an air freshener, an orange plastic thingy, a carrier bag…it’s like one of those memory games, or dementia tests.” Maybe I needed one after the brain freeze! QT from Grimsby the usual unbalanced nonsense, loony Clare Fox who started out in the RCP and ended up a tory-nominated peer, got too much airtime. On Newscast, rich git Cobra Billamora looked forward to the mini-budget giving him more dosh.

Friday 22^nd marked the autumn equinox. Seeing a light on early morning, I assumed Phil had gone to work, turned it off, then heard him rise. Checking the clock, it was actually 6 a.m., not 7. He later complained I’d woken him but got his own back waking me at 5.30 the next day. I exchanged texts with Walking Friend about free curry, The Poet’s fire party and a cinema trip. Shopping in sunny warmth, I felt overdressed, especially as Woman-Next-Door sat out in a sundress. Another neighbour also too hot, she’d prematurely stowed her summer clothes. I’d not even washed mine after our hols! At least my swimming cosi was unused, unlike the Scarborough Diving Belle. I potted a cutting in a cute pot for Walking Friend then got achy and tired pruning.

GP numbers still dropping and seeing one impossible, Therese Coffee-Cup said there was too much variation in the care people got across the country, and unveiled underwhelming plans for the NHS including a 2-week wait to see a GP; it was 2 days in 2010! Coming up with a moronic ABCD mantra (ambulances, backlog, care, doctors and dentists), she promised £15m more for carers and pension changes to stop doctors leaving the NHS. Holidaymakers were urged to cash in vouchers worth £30m before they expired at month’s end. Dunoon grammar school, Argyle, was shortlisted as among the best in the world for community help. Kids had streamed bingo into care homes during lockdowns and presented ideas to Cop26.

A cap would halve firms’ energy bills for 6 months from 1^st October. Long-awaited and welcome, businesses wanted more, but Rees-Moggy said they’d have to wait. Cost estimates varied from £25-40bn, depending on gas prices, on top of £150bn household support. IFS predicted £231bn government borrowing this year and debt rising for many to come. Reckoning the UK was already in recession, BOE raised interest to a 14-year high of 2.25%. At the UN in New York, Trussed-Up told the BBC she was prepared to be unpopular for ‘taking difficult decisions’ such as allowing bigger banker’s bonuses, to ‘attract investment’ and grow the economy. Labour said it was the wrong priorities. Doing 2 weeks’ business in 3 days, amid a glut of government proclamations, Rees-Moggy lifted the ban on fracking in England. Dismissing earthquake concerns, even as one happened in Mexico, INEOS claimed reserves could equal the North Sea. No cheaper and not enough for everyone, Greenpeace called for a nationwide solution to the energy crisis.

Trussed-Up gloated on the front bench as Kwasi Modo presented his Kamikaze budget. Besides what we already knew, he postponed the alcohol duty rise, increased the stamp duty threshold to £250k, cut basic income tax by 1p, abolished the highest 45% rate and defended banker’s bonuses as we needed global banks here, not Frankfurt. Total tax cuts equating to £45bn, Universal Credit claimants earning less than £142.50 a week (15 hours on the living wage) must prove they were trying to work more or face benefits cuts! Rachel Reeves called it the last roll of the dice after 12 years of tory failure, by “desperate gamblers in a casino chasing a losing run.” Allowing huge banker’s bonuses while axing nurses’ pay, Frances O’Grady wanted to know what planet they were on. Wearing ludicrous clod-hoppers with a suit, Kwasi told Chris Mason there was technically a recession but hoped it’d be shallow and then denied there was one! His former boss, hedge fund manager Crispin Odey, confirmed Phil’s belief that crashing the pound was a deliberate ploy to benefit his rich scummy mates by cashing in on betting against it, and gilts. Economists thought vastly disproportionate gains for the wealthy may artificially boost the economy but if the BOE responded with bigger interest rates, could prompt a boom and bust cycle. Avanti restoring some west coast services, RMT would strike again 8^th October. 30,000 had made dicey channel crossings this year.

NY attorney general Tish James accused The Trump and 3 sprogs of fraud by exaggerating how much they were worth. An appeal court ruled the papers could be reviewed and Trump bragged he could declassify state documents ‘just by thinking about them’. Referenda to be held in Russian-controlled regions of Ukraine, Vlad the Impaler openly accused The West of nuclear blackmail and announced a major escalation mobilising reservists, to ‘defend the motherland’ and ‘liberated territories’. 13,000 anti-war protestors were arrested and amid a rush to escape the call-up, queues formed at borders, outbound flights were full and Ruslan Zinin shot a military official at a Siberian enlistment office. At the UN, Uncle Joe called the referenda a ‘sham’ and the war ‘brutal’. Reports later emerged of households being forced to vote at gunpoint and Ukrainians fleeing Russian-controlled areas to avoid fighting fellow countrymen. On her way to meet Uncle Joe, Trussed-Up announced the return of 5 British nationals, thanks to Vlod and Saudi Arabia. As the sea monster in Weston was finished in the last days of Unboxed (aka Brexit Festival), Julian Knight of the DCMS committee, questioned how many visitors the ‘monumental waste’ had attracted. Creative director Martin Green insisted it was value for money. 95% of 12,800 saplings planted by Gloucester City Council to celebrate the jubbly, perished during the hot summer because there was nobody to water them.

At A Crossroads

Saturday, I went to a print fair at the town hall, to compliment The Printer on an image of Scarborough (similar to my photo panorama), speak to another affected by the fire and quiz a third on her etchings. I mooched round charity shops, the crap market where a posh woman exclaimed: ‘ooh mushrooms! Just like the dress I bought last week!’ (she meant toadstool earrings) and the wavy steps (eyed by a cute jackdaw). All heaving, I sought quiet in the library where an old pub mate exiting helpfully told me it was closing in 10 mins, confirmed by a notice. I got reduced items from the rival convenience store and lay in wait for Phil. As I hid in a doorway, a hippie parked her car with taped-over lights on the double-yellowed junction, went barefoot into The Store and emerged with a vape (aka the new crack). The plethora of highway code infractions almost tempted me to report her. Finishing at 3 on the dot, Phil headed up the street. I yelled “Oi!” We wove through the packed square to sit riverside and chat. Though a challenge lugging ice at 7.00 a.m., it was quite jolly on a Saturday and didn’t feel like a full working day (no commute helped). The NHS had sent me a birthday gift of a home testing kit. Sunday, I duly put poo on the stick and set out to post it. Drumming as soon as I left the house, the handmade parade was in full swing. Just my luck! Picking what I hoped was a less busy route, I was hemmed in by crowds, fought my way across the square and looked for the post-box. Remembering it went years ago, I bought knobbly veg and nipped in The Store where Phil was re-stocking shelves. “Have you *** seen it out there!” “Shh! Don’t swear!” “Sorry, see you later.” Over at the post office, there was no evading the parade as it went down the cul-de-sac. I knew it was a fun family event and I was being peevish but the throngs and drumming made me weary and headachy. Narked by Phil’s lack of sympathy later, I conceded he must be more knackered after 3 earlies on the trot.

Monday a chilly mix of sun and showers, one literally stopped after our house! Still tired, I struggled with a communal food wastebin that wouldn’t shut. Fixing the hinge, I muttered. The Widower appeared: “Talking to yourself?” “Yes, it’s the only way I get any sense, ha, ha!” Ahead of the new price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged Ofgem to lower standing charges and BG helpfully e-mailed that our bills would be over 3 grand next year. Not if I could help it! I sent meter readings forthwith. Sleeping later Tuesday, I briefly felt the benefit, shopped speedily in a tranquil co-op and sorted documents to renew a PTL,* faffing to print a profile pic (needlessly, as it turned out). During a cold night, loud machinery disturbed me and condensation coated the windows Wednesday. I put the heating on for the first time in months, hoovered discarded cobwebs and spider skins and exchanged a string of texts with Walking Friend, agreeing to meet in the library before free curry. Then Phil messed with the hoover, claiming I’d missed a cobweb, then the Ocado driver rang to say he’d be early. Head spinning, I managed a few notes before the jolly Geordie arrived. Phil was asked to work earlier for a colleague’s GP appointment (how did she get that?) Soon after going, he phoned saying it was next week. “Shall I come home or sit in the sun? It’s nice out.” “Just chill then.” Also wanting sunshine, I took chilli plants out to repot but defeated by entangled roots, gave up, and went to town.

Infantile graffiti covered the squat’s boarded-up windows. The Ice Cream rep didn’t turn up in court next day, so the anarchists weren’t evicted. In the library, I was told to renew my PTL online. “Where are the collection points?” “Not sure. Do you need an orange dot?” “Yes.” “I’ll look in the drawer.” The librarian kindly made the pass for me (minus photo after the palaver) I chose a book and returned to the desk to find I was de-registered. Re-registering took longer than getting the pass! Meanwhile, Walking Friend arrived. We discussed Scarborough and what to expect from free curry night. Seeing nobody at the front of the chapel, she suggested we go to the side entrance where a woman I recognised from Vegan Friend’s pre-covid party greeted us. Walking Friend uneasy accepting charity, I searched for my mates to put her at ease but saw no sign of them. Three lovely people took our order, then repeatedly apologised for the wait. The room’s buzz Initially enjoyable, as it filled up, the noise made me light-headed and fatigued (not helped by a missed siesta). Chaotic and too many helpers, I ditched the idea of volunteering in future. We made for the exit, told an acquaintance to watch out for cardamoms and heard someone ask if there were containers for the cake. “Cake!” we cried in unison. The door-greeter opened a side door for easy access to the cake table where there was also a donation tin. Inviting her in, I assured my friend I could cope with a cuppa and cake despite tiredness. We nattered some and I gave her the plant cutting before she wended home via the hidden path before dark. Finding her scrunchie on the bathroom floor, I thought I’d better wash it.

Stunned by another long sleep Thursday, I ignored my woes for a walk and lunch at the Hilltop Village, agreeing with a friend en route, on the awful state of the country and the joys of life on a stunning autumn day (see Cool Placesⁱⁱⁱ). In a bright night sky, Neptune and Pluto vied for attention with a glowing orange Jupiter (at the nearest point to Earth for 59 years). Plagued by backache, I needed the meditation soundtrack to aid sleep, then got woken in Friday’s early hours by Phil getting up and a racket outside. Knowing the pretty but yellow watery dawn presaged a wet, grey day, I dug out a parka before venturing out. The co-op quiet again, my namesake asked was I going walking? “Not in that! But it’s warmer out than in the house without heating.” I agreed we’d need it sometimes to prevent mould and burst pipes.

Concluding coronavirus killed an A&E worker, a coroner was flummoxed that only staff on red wards got face-masks in May 2020. According to Zoe Health Studies’ Tim Spector, hospital admissions were up 37% on the previous week, the highest since 19^th August. A 7% rise in fatal road crashes in 2021 was blamed on lockdown easing. Trickle-down economics a pile of poo and markets jittery, the pound fell further against the dollar and OBR forecasts hinted at U-turns. They promised an economic forecast by 7^th October but after Trussed-Up joined Kwasi in meeting them, she said it wouldn’t be made public ‘til 23^rd November when they unveiled further plans. Lenders stopped offering low-cost mortgages.

As footage of her saying Brits needed more graft was unearthed, Rayner told conference the PM didn’t care about working people and we were at a crossroads akin to 1997. Labour Left Internationalists called singing God Save the King a ‘doubling-down on monarchism’, ‘almost comic’. Ed Millipede mocked Rees-Moggy’s ‘energy policy for the 1820s’. BBC tips to save money included cooking with a microwave rather than an iron! (sic) Online searches for ‘energy bill help’ the highest ever and ‘food banks near me’ up 250%, Jon Ashworth pledged labour would freeze prices, paid for by windfall taxes. The BOE stepped in to buy UK gilt bonds, leading to an immediate fall in long-date yields and lower public borrowing rates. Was it enough to prevent a Northern Rock-style run on pensions? Should I have cashed mine in? Former gov Mark Carney said Kwasi’s ‘partial budget’ was at cross-purposes with the bank. Referring to ‘ministry of the talentless’, witty Rayner said: “Liz Truss has even crashed the pork market. Now. That. Is. A. disgrace. You’d think snouts in the trough was the one thing they could manage.” MPs demanding urgent recall of parliament to face questions on running the economy down, Trussed-Up did a round of car-crash local radio interviews to be flummoxed by simple questions, witter about freezing energy costs and blame Vlod and the world for turbulence. WTF! Was she just thick or dropped on her head as a baby? Rayner quipped she’d: “finally broken her long painful silence with a series of short painful silences.” A YouGov poll put labour 33 points ahead. Gammons still thought we should give her a chance. Government ignoring demands for a 10% pay rise, at least £15 per hour and not cutting 91,000 jobs, Mark Serwotka said the PCSU had no choice but to ballot 20,000 civil servants. Sales up 18.7% in the last quarter, Aldi, now the UKs 4^th biggest supermarket, pledged to put people before profits and build 16 new stores. Turning down public money to keep it open, Peel Group would wind down Robin Hood airport from 31^st October. 32 Wetherspoons pubs including Halifax would shut. How’s Brexit working out, Tim?

A complexity of issues culminated in large-scale disorder in Leicester mainly involving young Asian men. One person convicted, cops said further arrests could go on for months. SML put the strife down to tensions between Sikhs and Muslims, started by a football match in August. Others blamed fundamentalists from outside the city stirring it. New HO minister Swellen told police to do their jobs properly.

Helped by blast-from-the-past Berlusconi, far-right Giorgia Meloni (aka Molly Malone) was set to become Italian PM. Amid covid restrictions and geopolitical tensions, Apple switched manufacture of the iPhone 14 from China to India. Russian gas pipeline leaks made bubbles in the Baltic Sea near the Danish island of Bornholm. Sabotage was suspected. At a signing ceremony to incorporate 4 eastern regions of Ukraine into Russia**, a concert for an invited audience in Red Square drowned out the international outcry. NASA slammed a min-fridge-sized spacecraft into asteroid Didymos-Dimorphos. DART successfully hit it off course, astronomers spotted increased brightness, but it’d be weeks ‘till we knew if the space rocks’ orbit was shortened. Scarborough planned to a centre of excellence for cyber-security – obviously building on the legacy of GCHQ Scarborough which we learnt about on our visit.

Queenie’s death certificate confirmed the cause as old age and the time as 3.10 p.m. Phil was right! Michelle Pfeiffer was heartbroken by the passing of Coolio, of Gangstas Paradise fame. The majority of Northern Ireland residents Catholic for the first time ever, a referendum on a united Ireland was probable. The Orangemen didn’t factor in Catholics breeding like rabbits when they rigged the borders, did they!

Notes

* Passport to Leisure

**Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia

References:

i. Ovo’s 10-point plan: https://www.ovoenergy.com/ovo-newsroom/press-releases/2022/september/ten-point-plan

ii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 105 – Jubilation?

“The PM has repeatedly shown he is unable to uphold (British) values and the reaction of the public at St Paul’s showed they know it too” (Lucy Powell)

Imperial Nonsense

The wee hours of 1^st June, I dreamt of sitting in an ambulance wearing a face-mask. Odd having a covid dream after so long, was it a premonition of another wave? OneDrive did 500,000 ‘processes’. No idea what the heck they were, Phil managed to stop them so I could use the laptop. Bank statements revealed my benefit increased mid-April by a mega £3.50 a week – not even enough for a pint! Putting stuff in cupboards, a small pot fell out to land in the cafetiere. Another one bites the dust! Thank god for the spare.

In his annual report, Lord Geidt said whether Boris’ fine broke the ministerial code, was a ‘legitimate question’. The Bumbler replied he took full responsibility, had apologised to The House, there was no intent to break rules, paying a FPN wasn’t a criminal offence and quitting over ‘miserable’ Partygate was irresponsible amid ‘huge pressure’ on the economy, war and a ‘massive agenda’ he was elected to deliver. Did he mean Brexit? Rabid Raab insisted a confidence vote wasn’t imminent. Lisa Nandy called it ‘a damning indictment’ of the PMs leadership: “that successive ethics advisers…feel they can’t trust (his) integrity…This is a government that is rotten to the core, that the rot (sic) starts from the top.” Airport chaos worse during half-term, Tui cancelled 200 Manchester flights. Sharon Graham said aviation bosses slashing wages and sacking staff during the pandemic, got rich on high profits and low pay. Reaping what they’d sown, they should hang their heads in shame. Quite! Why book people on holidays they couldn’t get to? In defence, Airlines UK said they didn’t know exactly when all restrictions would be lifted nor how much travel would be possible by summer. Raab demanded airlines, airports and ground handlers met him to discuss over-booking and ill-preparedness. Dreadful Doris announced Bradford as UK City of Culture 2025. Maybe they’d clean up the Odeon and fill in the big hole for the festival of dire youff poetry.

Sun tempted me to don the new dress and open windows Thursday. News stopped for Platty Joobs, we joked the so-called pageant would be the largest handmade parade in history, remembered jubblys (still available) and invented retro 1950’s dishes such as jubilee potato – just potato. YouGov found only 9% of young people thought the royals relevant. Nevertheless, we broke the rule of no lunchtime telly for the flypast. Definitely the highlight of the day’s celebrations with all the planes and helicopters, Queenie with selected family on Buck House’s balcony, seemed impressed by the forming of a ‘70’ in the sky. Enough nonsense, I hung washing out. The Woman Next Door assured me it wouldn’t rain but the day didn’t live up to the billing of wall-to-wall sunshine. Increasingly convinced the forecast was a conspiracy, maybe I shouldn’t have told her that! The only sign of royalism in the co-op a woman wearing a cheap t-shirt emblazoned with ‘happy jubilee’, Phil found an infestation of red gammons in town. They didn’t need sun, just beer! Making a courgette and lemon cake was easy except I grated my thumb knuckle. Icing it the next day, I wished I’d remembered the unopened Sicilian lemon essence earlier.

Oldies at a Jeremy Vine jubilee party Friday, I guffawed at an engrossed Phil but agreed their reminiscences were sociologically interesting. Putting the telly back on for St Paul’s chimes, we mistimed it to see Boris speaking. He and Carrie got booed going to the thanksgiving service. Too much after the excitement of the flypast, Queenie missed it. Justin Welby and Randy Andy missed it as they had covid – ha! ha! We left the bells ringing for 4 hours to visit a favoured clough. Coming back, we found a roll of old maps at a street corner and the town centre chocka; like any weekend except for the odd bit of bunting and flags in shop windows creating a patriotic enclave near the micro pub (see Cool Placesⁱ).

A consultation began on restoring the crown to pint glasses and pounds and ounces in shops. Chris Philp ((aka American Psycho Patrick Bateman) said imperial measures were universally understood and would bring ‘a bit of our national culture and heritage back on the top shelf’. Alicia Kearns called it a load of imperial nonsense, Asda boss Lord Rose called it ‘utter nonsense’, National Market Traders Fed said it’d just create hassle and historian Mary Beard termed the debate a ‘nostalgia war’. Harry Styles at number 1, the Sex Pistols didn’t get in the top 10. We didn’t bother digging out those Stuff The Jubilee badges! 100 days since the invasion, Russia controlled 1/5 of Ukraine. Uncle Joe pledged more weapons and urged a change in US gun laws after mass shootings in May killed Texan primary schoolkids.

Saturday, we investigated the route of Younger Brothers’ sponsored Leeds-Liverpool canal bike ride next weekend. Doubting we’d be up on time to cheer him, Phil was keen to visit the wonder of the ‘straight mile’ sometime. The smattering of stalls and displays at the art launch rather underwhelming, it did include our crossings workshop poems.

We had a bash at Tetra Pak printing with The Printer. No tracing option, I called over to my old drawing teacher nearby: “You know how rubbish my drawing is!” She chuckled. Using styli, I etched a lopsided butterfly and Phil a very detailed bee, the antenna drooping as he ran out of space. He again whinged kids’ efforts were better, especially Ben The Caterpillar. We washed ink off our hands and wandered up the riverside.

Rippling with colour, tiny bugs with transparent wings hid on leafy stems; only visible on zoomed-in photos. Surprised to see the crap market on, we battled through a packed square to ask for lavender oil at the aromatherapy stall. The price almost doubled in 2 years, I gave it a miss. We found a few bargains in convenience stores, browsed the new witch bookshop (aka Harry Potter emporium) and waylaid an erstwhile pub mate going to a trad pub for a Jive Bunny disco.

Phil’s back pain worse Sunday, I thought it maybe from hunching over the etching or going out the house 2 days running. Cold, grey and damp, we stayed in. 20 years ago we might have gone for Gin and Pimm’s at the canalside pub before nicking cake at the parish church garden party. More sedate these days, I wrote a haigaⁱⁱ and tackled the landing. Planning to clean the rug, by the time I’d hoovered and rebuilt a tripod storage basket which predictably collapsed, I was knackered. A blissfully unaware Phil didn’t hear the clattering and swearing! Sleep mediocre, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a decent night.

Shats told Sophie Raworth other countries had airport staff shortages. Nowt to do with Brexit, there’d be no special visas for foreign workers. Touring with Jeff Beck, a ‘humble’ Johnny Depp spent £50,000 on a Brummie curry. After 4 days’ hard toadying by her subjects, Queenie appeared on Buck House’ balcony. Saying she was ‘humbled’, took the biscuit! Lucy Powell wrote in The Guardian that as labour captured British values, cherished institutions and believed our best days were ahead, they enshrined patriotic principles more than tories. Short-term ‘red meat’ policies like selling Channel 4 and reverting to imperial measures, diminished our global reputation, cost jobs and denied us ‘moments of togetherness’. Grimsby Town returned to league football and Wales beat Ukraine to reach the world cup. A jubilant Gareth Bale said the ‘crazy journey’ was ‘literally what dreams are made of’.

Monday mostly spent on admin, I thanked The Researcher for posting my takeover blog and discovered the main Crossings expo was at the town hall next Saturday, for one day only until it moved elsewhere. Why such short notice? I read a letter from NHS pensions and registered to access details online. Unsure if getting the paltry amount now would affect my benefit, I rang and spoke to a nice Geordie. He didn’t know but clarified I could draw on it anytime after my next birthday. As it would go up with inflation, I decided to leave it ‘til I really needed it, which might not be long the way things were going!

Thousands stranded by cancelled flights at the end of half-term and Platty Joobs, those who made it back faced Yorkshire bus and London tube strikes. Jesse Norman published his letter to Boris saying the Gray report showed he ‘presided over a culture of casual law-breaking’ and to describe himself as ‘vindicated’ was ‘grotesque’. He also lambasted the Rwanda policy, selling channel 4, the ‘foolhardy and illegal’ Northern Ireland policy, banning noisy protests and no ‘sense of mission’. In letters to the 1922 committee, MPs cited the St Pauls booing and jitters before 2 byelections. Some post-dated until after the long weekend, the threshold of 54 was reached. Hoping to ‘draw a line’ under it, Boris wrote to all his MPs and addressed the committee before the evening’s confidence vote. He won by a mere 68. As reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street at teatime, they ignored a woman in a taffeta dress posing at the shiny door and in the evening, Bella Ciao blasting in the background. Pressure Drop Brewery reduced staff work time from 5 to 4 days for the same pay. ONS reckoned UK coronavirus restrictions led to £140bn ‘forced savings’. I bet tories hated that! Twitter failing to supply fake account info, Elon Musk threatened to pull out of the deal.

Waking with a claggy throat Tuesday, I moped and almost stayed abed but didn’t. Opening a pack of coffee, I discovered Ocado sent beans instead of granules. Grinding them tedious, I dossed with a cuppa and started draft-posting the journal before going to the co-op. Previously just grabbing essential milk, I red shelf labels to note a 4-pinter was almost ½ price by volume. How had I missed that money saver?

Heartless tory Brendan Clark-Smith moaned to Jeremy Vine that people used ‘personal tragedy’ to try ousting the PM. Speculation continuing on his future, Boris thanked cabinet for their support and vowed to get on with the people’s business, level up, cut government spending and taxes. He told them to look at ways to reduce costs and drive reform. PAC reported Levelling Up decisions gambled taxpayers’ money on slogans. Will Haigh likened the PM to a mad pilot who’d locked himself in the cockpit and being inducted into the Order of the Bath, Pat Vallance was ‘disappointed’ by the rule-flouting. Labour urged The House to vote for committee for standards in public life recommendations giving Geidt powers to initiate investigations into ministerial code breaches. 79 migrants brought ashore, 10,000 made dodgy channel crossings so far this year. Russia in control of ½ Donbas, Vlod said ‘heroic’ defence of the region continued. Calling him a concrete friend to Ukraine, he was jubilant Boris survived the confidence vote. Talks failing, RMT announced another tube strike 21^st June and the first national action in 30 years affecting Network Rail and 13 TOCs on 3 days later in June. Monkeypox became a notifiable disease.

Downward Spiral

Overnight indigestion persisting into Wednesday, I exercised through discomfort, moved tons of clothes (drying ridiculously slowly for June) and vacuumed the living room, finding an easter chick beneath the sofa and a wine stain on the throw. On the front bench at PMQs, Trussed-Up Liz resembled a corpse. Saying the confidence vote showed his own party loathed the PM, Angela Eagle asked if they didn’t trust him, why should we? Boris harped on about those imaginary high-wage, high-skilled jobs. Ian Blackford referenced Monty Python’s Black Knight: ‘it’s only a flesh wound’. Rather than laying into the PM, Keir dwelt on the NHS’s GP shortage, decrepit buildings, waiting times and ambulances arriving after patients died. I hated to agree with Boris that the line of attack wasn’t working. Goblin Saj later waded into a row on NHS Digital removing the word ‘woman’ from advice on cervical and ovarian cancer. As if there weren’t bigger things to worry about! Costs spiralling out of control, the HS2 West Coast mainline link was cancelled, thus rendering the project an expensive Brummie commuter line. Esther McVey wanted it scrapped altogether.

I posted a journal entry and again baffled by the short notice, shared a Crossings expo poster attached to an e-mail. Fatigue, aches and pains mitigated against a planned trip to Shopping Town but Phil wanted gentle back exercise. Strolling down the street, he photographed doors. A neighbour entered her house as he took a snap. “Do you like my door?” Noting the lovely entrance tiles, she asked did he want another pic? “No, just the door!” She didn’t think we were nuts at all!

We wandered terraced backstreets for more doors and spectacular grasses until needing refreshment, we got pop from the shop and sat on the riverside. On the way back, we chatted over the wall to New Gran drinking outside the corner pub, about jubilee weekend antics and her recent birthday. Having disappeared from her profile, I wasn’t sure of the exact date.

UK GDP stagnating, the OECD growth forecast dropped to 3.64% for 2022 and 0% for 2023. Minimum pricing in Scotland backfired as drinkers stinted on food to buy alcohol. Was that what pub-goers round here did? Network Rail contingency planning, the RMT said they were open to ‘meaningful discussions’. Admitting a vacancy freeze, TfL insisted there’d be no redundancies or pension changes. The WTO warned of a global food crisis due to the blockade. The UN held talks in Turkey for a grain corridor and Russia demanded Ukraine removed mines first.

Shopping on Thursday, even reduced stuff was beyond budget. I wasn’t surprised hard-up families skipped meals, according to charities. I jested with My Mate at the till that Phil’s back problem conveniently meant he couldn’t carry shopping. On the way back, 3 geese waddled down the road with a pair of adorable fluffy yellow goslings. Unconsciously exclaiming ‘aww!’ I observed nobody else stopped to look – miserable gits!

Speaking in Blackpool, Boris maintained we couldn’t spend our way out of the cost of living crisis and higher wages would push up prices, leading to a 1970’s-style spiral of stagflation. Unions decried abandonment of the high-wage, high-skilled economy pledge. The latest wheeze to shore up support was extending ‘right to buy’. Including housing associations, housing benefit could be used to pay off or apply for mortgages, with a ‘help to buy ISA’ – good luck saving a deposit on the crap interest rate! He vowed a house would be built for everyone sold. Not the 30,000 formerly promised, Keir cited a pilot in Small Heath where homes weren’t rebuilt as it cost more than what they sold for. The re-hashed plans ‘baffling, unworkable and a dangerous gimmick’, Shelter’s Polly Neafe predicted we’d be “stuck in the same destructive cycle of selling off and knocking down 1,000s more social homes than get built.” On QT, Psycho Bateman said every house sold meant a family off the waiting list. Care4Calais, Detention Action and PCSU* asked the high court for an injunction to stop the first Rwanda flight. Bonnie Prince Charlie called the policy ‘appalling’ and a caller to Jeremy Vine advocated unused boats intercept and process migrants in The Channel and blow them up! The case lost, an appeal was due Monday. Aslef drivers striking on different dates late June, TSSA balloted Avanti West Coast staff. PAC criticised DHSC for burning unused PPE from the start of the pandemic. Europe’s largest Spinosaurus was discovered on the Isle Of Wight.

Worried a headache presaged illness Friday morning, I minimised exercise and chores, posted a blog and managed an afternoon walk. We crossed to the church garden where one gosling slept and the other hid beneath an adult’s wing, before heading up to woods and farmland (see Cool Places). Coming back on the towpath, the Canal Dweller loudly declared he loved my Valley Life articles and a man resembling Dave Angel walked ahead of us, prompting a chorus of Moonlight Shadow.

Due to increased transmissibility of the 2 newest Omicron variants (BA.4 and BA.5), covid rates in England went up for the first time since April. Unable to wait for council tax rebate cheques to clear, the hard-up queued to cash them at pawnbrokers, losing £15 if not turned away. ONS found 52% used less domestic energy, 46%, bought less food and 40% made less non-essential car journeys – not such a bad thing. Minister Heather Wheeler apologised for calling Birmingham and Blackpool godawful places, saying the comment didn’t reflect her actual views.

About to leave the house Saturday, a sudden downpour necessitated the anorak. At the Crossings expo, we spoke to Drawing Teacher at the door and watched the photo slideshow. Overlong with too many from organisers, Phil fidgeted as we waited for mine appear. After seeing all but one, the laptop froze. We left Drawing Teacher and co-volunteers fiddling with it. The square packed with al fresco quaffers, I quipped: “the cost of living crisis biting hard!” Phil said it felt ominous. Did he mean the pub vibe? No, the air. Sure enough, another sharp shower descended. Finding the cake I made last weekend mouldy, I sulked. Phil fed the green stuff to crows and the pigeon squatters and bought one from the co-op to cheer me up.

Loud voices and a revving car woke me early Sunday. Brekkie should’ve been a breeze but a splattered tomato, broken egg, blinding sun and a crashing lid stressed me out. Phil came to the rescue. I insisted we prioritise incomplete chores that he offered to do Thursday, then edited photos, added to the ‘spring animals’ Facebook album, made one of orange and pink flowers and watched telly. Deciding we still liked Waterworld, we wondered if the film got panned 30 years ago because it was ahead of its time.

Commentators all agreeing everything was going to shit, CBI boss Tony Danker said households were going into recession this year; i.e., buying less shit. Leaked before publication Monday, the food strategy contained vague words like ‘initiative’ and ‘liaison’ and no direct interventions such as sugar tax. Getting us to eat venison was the only concrete idea. Schools were ‘deeply disappointed’ at no extension of free meals. 22% of kids eligible, Julie McCulloch of the Assoc. of School and College Leaders said poverty affected closer to 30%. McDonalds re-opened in Russia as Tasty: That’s It. In the US, demos demanded gun law changes to stop the murder of kids and Google engineer Blake Lemoine claimed his AI Lamda was sentient. It considered itself human and feared being turned off, comparing it to death. Accused of anthropomorphism, Lemoine was suspended, but what if he was right?

Relaxation techniques failing to distract me from tummy ache, I slept fitfully and still felt iffy on Monday. Hanging damp towels out in a breeze, neighbours sympathised with the travails of drying laundry in the unheated indoors. Tired from activity, I dossed before posting the haiga and writing. In the co-op later, I could hardly hear myself think – I’d forgotten how noisy it was after school! Using leftover lentils to make surprisingly good pâté, we reminisced about hippy cafés and Phil posted a 1970’s-style art.

The UK economy shrank in April for the second month in a row, further risking recession. The government blamed the negative -0.3% on covid recovery and extra spending. As the Northern Ireland protocol bill was published, Boris went to wear a Hi-Viz and drive a tractor at a farm in Hayle, Cornwall and Micheal Teashop called it a new low point. After all the palaver and whingeing last year, ALW sent a message to the last stage performance of Cinderella that it was a ‘costly mistake.’

After I wasted Tuesday morning applying hot water and defrosting spray to an ice lump in the fridge, Phil hacked it off. Going to the garden, I tripped over the empty dustbin left at the front door and waited for the window cleaner to move his hose, snaking round the corner, so I could put the bin back. I planted sprouted veg ends then attacked overgrown shrubs and creeping weeds. Warmer than it looked from inside, I was about to give up with a hot thirst when Phil emerged wearing a jacket. “Are you off somewhere?” “No.” Realising it wasn’t cold, he took it off and helped sweep debris. Yorkshire ostensibly the best place to see the full Strawberry Supermoon, it was so low here that it hid behind hills.

Wages fell 4.5% in the last quarter when 9% inflation was taken into account. Unemployment was up slightly but vacancies reached a record 1.3 million. 8.8 million inactive due to older workers retiring early during the pandemic, Jon Ashworth accused ministers of ‘utter complacency’. As persistent staff shortages fated airports to more chaos, DfT and CAA instructed airlines to cancel summer flights. Which? told the commons business committee the industry and government must jointly shoulder blame. Petrol at a record high 191.2p per litre, government pulled the plug on the electric car discount. Losing their appeal, Detention Action and PCSU called sending people to Rwanda before a full judicial review in July ‘scandalous’ and the UN High Commission for Refugees said it was ‘all wrong’. Judges assessing the move necessary to deter dangerous crossings could be construed as political. Boris cited criticism from Charlie and CofE grandees and reproached lawyers representing migrants for ‘abetting’ criminal gangs. Instead of the 100 deportations originally planned, Individual case hearings brought the figure down to 12, then 7 then 1. The ECHR stepped in to completely ground the Tuesday night flight to Kigali, saying before establishing legitimacy, there was no legal route back. Undeterred, Rwanda stood ready to welcome migrants and the UK started planning another flight. Two refugees later claimed to have been beaten up and dragged to the plane. Meanwhile, 440 arrived in dinghies. Whitby council banned second homes and the unearthed Blue Peter time capsule from 1981 was opened live on This Morning to reveal a pile of slime – slime capsule!

Coronation Chicken Kiev

The next day starting better than the last few, we made the twice-postponed trip to Shopping Town (see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ). A shame we missed PMQs, as data showing the UK had the second lowest growth rate globally with only Russia worse, Keir went on the attack. He obviously took Rayner’s advice to ‘put more welly into it’! Boris was rebuked for claiming labour were on the side of people traffickers. Nasty Patel Believed the Rwanda plot was fully compliant with domestic and international obligations. Disappointed and surprised by the ECHR decision, she blamed the ‘usual suspects’ and the opposition for thwarting her efforts against the willy of the people. She told MPs prohibitions on flights to Kigali wasn’t an absolute bar and those ordered to be freed would be tagged while relocation was ‘progressed’. Furious tories called for secession from the meddling ECHR. Did they not know The Council of Europe was set up after WWII and had nowt to do with the EU? And I bet they didn’t mind the ECHR intervening in the case of captured Brits fighting in the Donbas sentenced to death! Yvette Coop called it ‘government by gimmick’. Yep, gimmicks for gammons! Lord Geidt resigned. Not saying why in a short public statement, a letter to Boris disclosed later, indicated the final straw wasn’t Partygate but being asked to offer a view on government measures risking ‘a deliberate and purposeful breach of the ministerial code’. Deemed to concern tariffs on Chinese steel, Phil thought it bogus. A fortnight later, government extended the tariffs for 2 years, against WTO rules. The EU triggered further legal action over the NI protocol. Maros Sefcovic said the UK’s unilateral act had ‘no legal nor political justification’. One of the biggest Anglo-Saxon burial sites was uncovered on the HS2 route. At least some good came out of the glorified commuter line!

Cleaning the bedroom Thursday, Phil crawled under the bed to screw a detached leg in place, despite his back. After hoovering, I worked on the journal and pegged bedding out. The Woman Next Door and a friend chatted on her doorstep then promptly went inside – did they fear eavesdropping? In the quiet co-op, my basket totalled just short to use a coupon. The cashier let me grab one more thing for a low-cost shop. I trudged home in blazing sun and persuaded Phil out to the garden. Clearing another debris pile, we observed the myriad life including what he called springtails. Sure they were to blame for my bites, he thought it unlikely as they were a kind of shrimp. Fatigued and overheated again, I lay down.

Expecting GDP to drop by 0.3% this quarter, BOE sent a letter to Rishi stating the obvious on a succession of large economic shocks and raised the interest rate to 1.25%. British Chambers of Commerce moaned it wouldn’t address the global causes of increased business costs and labour worried of the impact on families. Shutting down ½ the rail network, Shats said strikes endangered thousands of jobs and promised legislation to enable the use of agency workers. Unions said that was unsafe and recruitment firms fretted they’d be held responsible for putting temps crossing pickets in harm’s way. On QT, the useless red wall tory said nowt and Thangam Debonnaire claimed the Rwanda ploy already wasn’t working as it didn’t deter dangerous channel crossings. Former ethics adviser Alex Allen told Newscast failure to sack Patel wasn’t the reason he resigned but didn’t explain what was. Sad his mate Geidt was put in a difficult position, he had no plans to re-apply for the post – currently on hold.

The laptop excruciatingly slow after a restart Friday, I didn’t get very far drafting blogs. As I hung another load on the line, The Woman Next Door outside reading, remarked I was always washing. “No; just making use of the good weather.” We walked up to a hillside settlement, enjoying a picnic en route (See Cool Places) and returned via the predictably rammed town centre. Boozing gammons deterred us from a pint. Sweaty and smelly, I showered and lay down to rest. Officially a heatwave, it was greyly muggy when I fetched the laundry in. A dog-walking neighbour agreed it felt like it might rain – it didn’t; for almost a week.

The jubilee bank holiday was blamed for coronavirus spreading across the UK. More hospitalisations but low ICU cases and death, total fatalities stood at 179,363. Boris avoided a conference organised by red wall tories in Doncaster by going to Ukraine, prompting the moniker Chicken Kiev. Newspaper ‘I’ aligned his calls to Vlod with dates bad news broke including Partygate and the confidence vote. Paul Scuzzball said airport staff should work longer hours. Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill knocked Harry Styles off number 1 thanks to Stranger Things. Phil advocated burning a gannet colony infested with bird flu on Bass Rock.

Listening to music Saturday, Black Star made me sad. Not because it was Bowie’s last album but because it was 6 years since the Brexit vote, Jo Cox’s murder, the death of Eldest Brother and Mum going into hospital. I put something cheerier on, edited photos and went to the co-op, spotting a reduced chicken and an old pub mate for the third time in as many weeks after not doing so for years. He did say that would keep happening! Served by a young man at the kiosk, My Mate on the adjacent till stared into space. Not bored, but having a moment. A merc indicating to turn right stopped for me at the zebra and parked on the street below. As I caught up, Councillor Friend got out. “I didn’t recognise you in that posh car!” It was her boss’, who lived in Spain. She’d given it a run to go canvassing in sunny Wakefield (unlike the overcast upper valley).

Plans to tag migrants arriving by boat was condemned for treating those fleeing persecution as criminals. New ambassador for women’s health, Dame Lesley Regan wanted one-stop community hubs and new cost of living tsar David Buttress said private companies must help with rising prices. Saying they did what they could, nice capitalist Richard Walker couldn’t increase wages but gave staff an ‘unprecedented’ 15% discount on Iceland products.

Although wobbly first thing Sunday, I arrived at the market slightly earlier than usual. Stopping to chat with a neighbour untangling roots from a large pot, we had no idea why her normally friendly dog ferociously barked at me. Besides knobbly veg, I found 2 books in the phone-box and bargain herbs in the convenience store. After washing the filthy veg, I collapsed on the sofa to recover and write.

Told on Sunday Morning airline bosses said he didn’t know what he was talking about, Shats sniggered and side-stepped blame for opening and closing borders during the pandemic. After accusing unions of bribing rail workers to strike, he took no responsibility even though he’d not spoken to them for a month, erroneously griped they’d gone on a demo instead of meeting bosses, refused to intervene, dismissed RMT calls for him to do so as a stunt and said there was no class war. Keir reckoned he ‘fed off’ the division. TSSA complained TOCs hadn’t shared plans to shut ticket offices. New army boss Gen Sanders wrote to all soldiers that we needed an army ready to fight Russia. Heatwaves saw 40⁰C temperatures in Europe and monsoon floods killed at least 70 in Bangladesh. US kids aged over 6 months ridiculously qualified for covid jabs.

Chilly after a cold night, Monday became warm and sunny. I ignored a slight headache to strip the chicken carcass before putting food waste out. B&B Man stood on the communal wall pegging sheets, hampering recycling bin access. Still struggling after lunch, Phil suggested sitting in the sun. I snapped back shopping needed doing and some help would be good. He hung washing up while I went to the co-op for a heavy load and recovered with a cuppa outside. Phil joined me the garden bench, made gazebo-like by overhanging freesia. I lazily pulled at weeds and pruned, almost bumping into The Widower on his fourth walk-past. I then attacked an overgrown buddleia on the adjacent steps. Phil helped sweep before a doze amid the sounds of birds and bees, interrupted by Phil chuntering and Walking Friend’s hello, on her way to meet The Poet. I sleepily lay on the bed and briefly nodded off with book in hand. Phil sighing loudly in the evening, I asked what was up. He wasn’t making enough money. The war actually partly responsible for Shitterstock work drying up, he decided to give up the Leeds studio. With hindsight, he could’ve done so ages ago but who knew things would be this shit 2 years on? He rang the council next morning to arrange to vacate within 3 months. Coronation Chicken was a couple of weeks late but made a delicious retro dinner.

2 million with long-covid, Kings College found 50% less chance from Omicron as opposed to Delta. Sufferer Terence Burke won a case to be classed as disabled, clearing the way for an unfair dismissal claim. Last ditch talks to avert strikes fruitless, Psycho Patrick Bateman defended Boris on Newsnight, calling rail practices Spanish and 19^th century. Still refusing to intervene, banging on about modernisation could be seen as incitement. Halfords offered free bike hire. Luggage piling up, Heathrow imposed a cap. EasyJet cut summer flights by 10% and Ryanair promised rescue flights. Their Stanstead base not as badly hit, O’Leary attributed ground staff shortages to Brexit.

Slightly more sleep led to a better start Tuesday. A waning half-moon and sun blazing through the landing window, I wondered was it a solstice phenomenon? English Heritage ludicrously placed netting on Stonehenge to bar nesting jackdaws. We researched local standing stones for our own midsummer jaunt but went to a clough instead. Even in the shade, we struggled with heat and dehydration (see Cool Places).

On the first day of the strike, Keir wrote to shadow ministers telling them not to join RMT picket lines. Diane Abbot was one of several labour MPs to defy him. A Cloudflare crash affected millions of coffee-cuppers working from home. Metro reported on Londoners struggling to work on buses. Lucky for them they weren’t Arriva, in the 3^rd week of striking up north. NEU to ballot teachers on possible industrial action in the autumn unless offered a pay rise above 3%, NHS, fire and postal workers could also strike, after new inflation figures Wednesday and Boris babbling about ‘staying the course’ but promising a return to triple lock pensions meaning a 9.1% increase. Where was the parity? Unite said ‘cost of living’ bonuses up to £3,000 offered to Lloyds and Rolls Royce staff, fell short of what was needed.

No Reasons To Be Cheerful

After lengthily cleaning the kitchen Wednesday, I collapsed on the sofa for PMQs. Not answering a question on allegedly requesting an official appointment for Carrie, Boris wittered about high employment. Keir wanted to know how many meetings ministers held to avert strikes? An evasive PM insisted they were the party of the railways. Keir answered the question – none – yet Boris had time to attend a lavish do and sell a £120,000 meeting. To claims the government blamed everyone else, contradicted each other on pay rises and cuts, rolled over on banker’s bonuses and slashed nurses’ pay, Boris attacked picketing labour MPs and spouted the usual crud on taking tough decisions.

Hanging upstairs rugs on the line to expunge dust, The Widower happened to pass. “Do you have a carpet-beater?” “Somewhere.” While he looked, I used a telescopic duster and Phil used his fists. The Widower not finding the beater, I said: “We’re improvising. Phil’s pretending it’s Boris Johnson, or any other tory of your choice!” Old upholstery spray cleaner meant for cars was effective and quick-drying in the hot sun. Refreshing with homemade pop, I greeted The Decorator backing into the last parking space. The Woman Next Door then stopped right in front of us. In the middle of doing stuff, I politely asked her not to. She said she’d just unload and left the engine running, forcing me to move from the bench. A lovely early evening, the sun briefly reached the nearer bench. I sat with the Kindle watching news until the sun moved out of range and BBC London came on. Planning mushroom pasta for dinner, 2/3 of a value box had gone fuzzy. Not a bargain if you chucked most of them! I thought substitute chilli was ample for 2 days but there wasn’t much left. Phil denied being a greedy git.

NAO reckoned Ofgem added £94 to every household gas bill by letting weak suppliers into the market, leading to collapse. After accusing the government of lying on Newsnight, Mick Lynch asked Carole Gammone on Jeremy Vine ‘what are you even saying?’ Quite! She was in favour of the pensions rise as nobody could live on £250 a week. They and me, lived on half that! Only 50% of northern trains running between strike days, TSSA settled for an extra 7.2% but RMT talks broke down. Lynch said Shats wrecked negotiations ‘by not allowing Network Rail to withdraw their letter threatening redundancy for 2,900 of our members’. Until the government unshackled them and TOCs, there’d be no settlement. Delightfully-named Network Rail negotiator Tim Shovellor insisted the majority of job losses would come from ‘voluntary redundancy and natural wastage’. Were his ancestors steam engine firemen? A clause was hastily added to the Bill of Rights to ignore ECHR injunctions before Rabid Raab presented it to the commons (ref Rwanda). Vaccine-derived polio virus detected in London sewers sparked a nationwide hunt for the culprit and calls for parents to get their sprogs immunised. An Afghanistan earthquake killed 1,000. The useless Taliban halted a search for survivors the next day.

Though warm and still Thursday, cloudy skies deterred me from painting windowsills. Hefting shopping back from the co-op, I was startled by a dog behind a hippy van on the street below barking. Not at me but Next-Door-But-One ahead of me on the steps. Already nervy, my bad mood intensified when the handle on the so-called bag for life broke, tumbling loose mushrooms to the floor. Rain came in the form of a light shower at siesta time, lulling me into a 15 minute snooze.

On the 2^nd day of the rail strike, the local mill café owner whinged of no customers to Look North and Kwasi Modo said using agency staff wouldn’t undermine safety. Unions disagreed. BA check-in staff threatened peak season strikes at Heathrow if pay reductions made during covid restrictions weren’t reinstated. Not even asking for an increase, bosses claimed some staff were offered the 10% back – yeah, managers!

No bunting or parties to celebrate 6 years since the referendum results were declared, I turned off Newscast when Nasty Nigel appeared and found an apt cartoon for Brexit Island asking: how’s that going? Meanwhile, the EU started a 10-year process to admit Ukraine. A UK rise in racially-aggravated assault was attributed to Euro 2020. Over the pond, Owen Diaz turned down $12m compensation for racism at Tesla.

Friday, I tackled the kitchen runner. The spray ineffective, woven chickens re-appeared after applying liquid cleaner. I went outside in sultry afternoon warmth before more rain came (fine drizzle rather than predicted yellow thunder, a distant rumble was heard) and hacked at rhododendron near the back wall, accidentally lopping off quince branches. Resting was disturbed by Shed Boy and mate communicating unintelligibly.

An estimated 23% rise on the previous week, 1:35 with covid worried health experts. The unjabbed were urged to get one, the elderly to be boosted, and the infected to not spread it. Imperial College found vaccines saved 19.8 million lives; in rich countries. The tories lost by-elections in Wakefield to Labour and Tiverton where Lib Dems overturned a seismic 24,000 margin. A ‘distressed and disappointed’ Oliver Dowdy resigned as party chair at 5.30 a.m. Hobnobbing at CHOGM** in Kigali while Carrie and Camilla had a nice chat, Boris said he’d keep going and address concerns of voters who wanted him to get on with the job. Err, no; they wanted you to jog on! Dreadful Doris tweeted he faced the worst cost of living crisis since WW11. Perhaps that was the one preceding Halo. Reviewing the new Paramount+ series, Jeremy Vine queried why in futuristic sci-fi’s, the world was always a desert – duh! National debt interest reached a record £7.6 billion. Outgoing CBI chair Bilimoria advised tax cuts. The US supreme court ended the constitutional right to abortion. Pro-lifers rejoiced, others warned of back-street terminations and death. Together with allowing gun-toting in the streets and coalpits to choke the air, The Trump might as well still be in charge. A choked Amy Garcia announced the sudden death of former Look North colleague Harry Gration.

Shed Boy noisily scraping out weeds woke me early Saturday. Inevitably followed by pressure washing, we’d wondered how long they’d let the joyful blooms flourish! At The Great Get-Together in the park, we perused stalls, picked up worthy freebies and joked with Councillor Friend and her Partner that a unit of beer on alcohol measuring cups wasn’t even a ½ pint. When did that happen? Maybe the cup should be expandable or telescopic! Not much for adults, no free cake left and music deafening, we headed to the quiet of a riverside bench and searched for fish, espying piles of rubbish instead. Gusts of wind and spots of rain ominous, we went home along the canal. At the river bridge, trout swam in the languorous shallows topped by car pollution. Shed Boy sweeping up, I asked if he’d take detritus I’d cleared from the steps along with his stuff to the tip. He said yes, if he got someone to take him. Thanking him, I silently queried why he couldn’t use his own transport. As the sun re-emerged, I topped up the binbags with more veg matter from the steps.

On Sunday Morning, Swiss Toni spouted the usual tory crap. Sharon Graham called David Lammy refusing to support BA strikes a new low for labour. Politics North extrapolated from the Wakefield by-election, most Yorkshire seats turning red. The laptop inexplicably turning itself off overnight, I restarted to post my brother’s birthday card on Facebook and write a haiga. Sewing the rest of the day made my fingers sore.

As Russia resumed bombing Kyiv, the G7 meeting in Bavaria put a price cap on their oil, banned their gold and joked about emulating Putin’s posing. Putin advised working on themselves before baring all. Boris bantered with Justin on who had the bigger plane. Chris Bryant called his hubris deranged. Prince Charlie accepting $3m cash donations in carrier bags from Qatar raised questions of undue influence. A suspected terrorist attack killed 2 men in Oslo. Pride events cancelled, some defiantly marched a couple of days later.

Barely able to keep my eyes open, it took a while to sleep and I woke after 2 hours feeling woozy and my Monday morning, I had pain across my forehead. I managed to fetch the laptop to post the haiga and write in bed. Depressed by debilitation, maybe it wasn’t such a surprise as I’d done many different things in the 6 weeks since the last bout, which was quite good-going. Fetching my lunch, an empty cereal box balancing on the tray for the recycling pile, fell under my feet on the stairs. Unable to move, I shouted for Phil’s help and fell back in bed exhausted. He disposed of rubbish and went to the co-op for basics plus reduced ham. Repose disturbed by the now daily ritual of geese in the street below, I looked out to see the growing goslings picking at moss between cobbles, as adults kept watch for cats and cars and Shed Girl tried to tempt them with grass for phone pics.

A recommended 15% rise in legal aid fees not implemented, barristers went on strike. A juniors salary of £12,000 more like that of a barista, did they mix up the job descriptions? Cruise missiles killed at least 20 when they hit a shopping centre in Kremenchuk. Decrying a war crime, Vlod asked G7 for more defence systems. In response to Russian aggression, relevant leaders went straight from Bavaria to Madrid to agree a boost to NATO’s Allied Reaction Force on the eastern flank. Boris pledged UK military spending would increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2028. In Westminster, the NI protocol bill passed the first commons vote and Dreadful Doris hosted a summit of broadband and mobile providers who made ‘stay connected’ pledges. A man shot dead an Atlanta Subway worker over too much mayo on his butty and 48 migrants boiled to death in an abandoned truck outside San Antonio. Another 2 later died in hospital and 3 men were arrested.

Rarely rising from my sickbed Tuesday, diggers beeping ‘stand clear’ and sirens screeching down the valley joined the squawking geese to hamper rest. Phil catered. His special omelette with ham, mushrooms and cheese was reminiscent of Greek holiday lunches!

2021 Census results showed the population in England and Wales grew 6%, less than expected, with 1:6 over 65. Baroness Heather Hallett began the delayed Covid-19 public inquiry. 7,000 in hospital, Jeremy Vine and Storm both had covid. Stand-ins asked was it time to reintroduce measures? Nobody would take any notice! Doctor Sarah advised face-masks in crowded places. MP/barrister turned commentator Gerry Hayes said the court system had ‘fallen apart’ and the cabinet were spineless. With ‘substantial and persistent concerns’ The Met were on special measures. That didn’t stop 20 cops arresting Stop Brexit man Steve Bray, on the day the Police, Crime, Sentencing & Courts Act came into force. BMA members urged to ‘channel their inner Mick Lynch’, it was hard to sympathise with GPs on £100k demanding an extra 30%.

After a bad night, I watched PMQs in bed Wednesday. The Bumbler still galivanting, Rabid Raab faced Rayner in Kung Fu Panda heels. Spouting the usual codswallop, he cheekily winked and jibed at her. She asked, with Boris vowing to stay on until 2030, would the party prop him up that long? Raab quipped he’d last longer than her leader to which she retorted, we couldn’t stomach him for 8 minutes, never mind 8 years. She was closer to the truth, as it turned out.

Unexpectedly charged another month’s studio rent, Phil stopped the direct debit and headed for Leeds. I thought it’d do him good to feel active, but he was so skint I had to give him the train fare. Seeing him off, the trellis strew the pavement again. It wasn’t even windy! I shooed him away and went out in my dressing gown to prop the dam thing up, glad the weather was slightly better than the previous two days. Left to my own devices, I brooded on the dire financial situation to be interrupted by Phil phoning to ask if I needed anything from Wilkos. I told him to get glue to fix a fragile old book I was reading. Stocks so low customers asked were they closing down and a 9 week wait for supplies, was it from Ukraine? Fuzzy from another short afternoon sleep, I juggled with dinner, irked when Phil rang from the return train. Forgetting to eat and drink all day, he scoffed food and gulped liquids. He’d made friends with a guy from an old Leeds rock band who took loads of the pesky furniture for his music studio.

After 6 months suspension on full pay, a written warning and a FPN for partying during lockdown, Sheffield council boss Kate Josephs apologised and returned to work. Harriet Harman would lead the Privileges Committee investigation into Boris’ lies.

During a terrible night, external humming and brightness vied with the stupid flashing laptop. Mediation led to fitful sleep. Thus Thursday started badly. Phil was also tired, from lugging furniture. Off to Leeds again, I griped at lack of communication and not being told anything until reaching crisis point. “I didn’t want to worry you.” No warning even more stressful, I asked: “Were you going to wait ‘til we were literally choosing between heating and eating?” Considering options, he searched for local part-time jobs. What the hell was a food production operative? Depressed because he’d tried hard to make self-employment work, he declared himself a loser. “No you’re not. You couldn’t know about covid or the war.” I made him a butty to take, nipped out to peg fusty towels on the line and went back to bed. Very warm, I opened the window as the racket which had plagued me since Monday abated and picked up the laptop when Phil called from Leeds, panicking he’d left an empty wheelie case in the park. Irked I’d have to go for it, I saw it near the door and rang him back. “Sorry, my mind’s all over the place.” “Calm down,” I screamed ironically. Mollified by an apology, I said at least he hadn’t lost the case. Too jittery to write, I hoovered the bedroom and brought the towels in as a woman walked a beautiful shiny black Labrador ‘puppy in training’ past.

Chris The Pincher resigned as tory whip after getting pissed and groping men at the Carlton Club. Labelled a Pound Shop Harvey Weinstein in 2017 by Alex Story, an official complaint and suspension from the party came the next day. Piers Corbyn got a fine for organising the Trafalgar Square anti-lockdown demos. An upgrade to the Trans-Pennine line between Huddersfield and Dewsbury was finally announced – already pretty good, what about the crap line we relied on? Ukraine claimed to have re-taken the tiny but strategic Black Sea Snake Island. Russia said they withdrew as a gesture of goodwill. Unlikely to alleviate the grain crisis, nobody was jubilant.

* PCSU – Public Communications Service Union

**CHOGM – Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog:: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 74 – String of Fire

“The Thatcher years might have been a spiffing time for Johnson, who was busy partying in the elite Bullingdon Club, but in the real world Thatcher devastated communities across Scotland” (Owen Thompson)

A Load of Hot Air

Following a bad night, I felt exhausted Monday morning and got back in bed. As my last bout of debilitation over a month ago lasted less than 3 days, I hoped this one would be similar. Alas, it dragged on for over a week leading to deepening depression. Phil tried to cheer me up with funny dancing. However, as my eyes wouldn’t focus, they made me dizzy. He carried the breakfast tray down and returned for the washing. I bathed, donned a sarong and teetered downstairs for coffee and the laptop. Internet issues now into the third week, I managed to post a haiga but doing the journal was impossible. Going back down for lunch, I noticed the machine was on a drying cycle. Fearing for our smalls, Phil frantically pressed buttons until it stopped. Still struggling with unfocused eyes and head fug, I tried to motivate myself to write or do art but didn’t feel like doing anything at all. Very unlike me, even when ill, the mere thought of computer work made me feel sick. I watched an awful telly film and lay down to read. Eyes shutting, I hoped to catch up on some sleep. Sadly not, although I lay with closed eyes for half an hour which slightly helped my vision.

The TIT app was tweaked to only ping if contact had been within 2 days rather than 5. Changes didn’t affect sensitivity or risk threshold. A month-long study by Imperial College reassuringly found no covid on the train network. To encourage vaccine uptake, young people were bribed with taxi rides and kebabs from the likes of Uber and Deliveroo. Kebab-a-Jab was one of a range of schemes across the globe – rollmops in the Netherlands, sausages in Germany, mici in Romania*, popcorn in Australia, a chicken in Indonesia, a lottery to win a gold bar in Hong Kong, and a joint in Washington state (assumingly on top of the $100).

Initially refreshed after more sleep Tuesday, I wobbled on rising and got back in bed. Phil offered to get the mid-morning coffee then disappeared. He then embarked on an arty project which made a nice change from the mind-numbing monotony of his gig economy job. Pissed off missing a sunny day, I opened the window and worked on the laptop. Someone was only just asking the local Facebook group if there were issues with the internet. It beggared belief they’d sit there for 3 weeks without contacting their ISP! I suggested everyone affected lodged complaints to speed up repairs at the exchange. A couple of members responded they had, including a friend, making Phil feel less alone. Early evening, emergency vehicles sped up the hill opposite as helicopters wheeled over the valley. It transpired there were reports of a hot air balloon crashing and bursting into flames. It turned out to be a party balloon. Was the string on fire?

Cases dropping to around 22,000 a day as opposed to the predicted 100,000, Christina Pagel wanted to know why. Mike Tildesley put it down to people being cautious. Prof. Paul Hunter said hospital cases were ‘over the peak’ but 138 deaths was the most since 17^th March. An Imperial College React study found 2 jabs cut the chances of catching covid to 3.8%. JCVI now said the risk of myocardia was low and in balancing that against the benefits, offered 16-17 year olds a single jab as soon as practical, with possible roll- out to 12-15 year olds later. Peter Kyle complained they’d squandered the summer.

The ‘Key to NYC’ pass for indoor activities would launch 17^th August, to be fully implemented by 13^th September. 3 cases identified, all Wuhan citizens were tested for the Delta variant and a slight fall in Indian cases led to some opening up in Mumbai and Maharashtra. Iran suspected of a drone attack on oil tanker Mercer Street killing a Brit and a Rumanian last week, Rabid Raab summoned the ambassador. In a second incident, 9 armed men boarded the Asphalt Princess in the Gulf of Oman and ordered it to sail to Iran.

Seeing Red

Although very sleepy, I needed the meditation soundtrack to settle Tuesday night. I then woke several times in the early hours and subsequently dawdled over morning tea and bathing Wednesday morning. I tidied the bed, fetched coffee and worked on the laptop. Speedily backing up photos on OneDrive, I wondered if the internet was fixed. Phil in Leeds, I had no way of checking. I hoped he’d be back in time to enjoy his favourite quick pasta dish with me but he wasn’t. Sun replaced by cloud and occasional showers, he appeared slightly damp.

Ahead of changes to traffic lights, rumours of an ‘amber watchlist’ caused consternation and were later ditched. Amidst a cabinet fallout, Shatts was blamed. Which? reported on tour companies with the best and worst covid policies and encouraged sun-seekers to check the FCO list as well as the lights; were there discrepancies? A GoFundMe page aimed to purchase the RNLI a hovercraft dubbed The Flying Farage. If the target was exceeded, they planned to buy another vessel named Katie Hopkins or Darren Grimes (whoever he was). Drugs deaths up 3.8% in England and Wales and 4.8% in Scotland during 2020, Eytan Alexander of the UK Addiction Treatment Group called it a ‘parallel pandemic’ that had ‘worsened due to the virus’. Ministers denied cuts were to blame, saying they were investing £148m to tackle drug misuse. Belarus opposition leader Svetlana Tiskhavounskya met The Bumbler at Number 10 asking for more support against the despot Lukashenko, after an activist was found hanged in a Kyiv park and Olympian Krystina Tsimanskaya defected. Poland rescued the athlete at Tokyo airport. Meanwhile, the first trans woman to compete failed to win the weightlifting, belying claims of unfair advantage. 13 year old Sky Brown skateboarded to bronze. Already on TV ads, she didn’t say “I don’t feel like it today.” There’d been a lot of that during Shonkyo including Simone Biles withdrawing from team events and Adam Peaty declaring he needed a break.

Awoken by diggers on the canal Thursday morning, I gave up trying to sleep, managed a few small chores and got back into bed to catch up on online ordering. Having confirmed the internet was finally fixed, Phil received a belated call from Talk-Talk to that effect. Dinner taking too long to cook, I collapsed on the sofa to watch Netflix for the first time in ages but retired early for another mediocre night.

PHE said vaccines averted 66,9000 hospital admissions but according to Amanda Pritchard, of 5,000 ‘seriously ill’ patients, a fifth were aged 18-34. She urged young people to ‘not delay’ sorting their jabs. Traffic light changes turned Mexico red requiring airborne travellers to come home within 2 days or pay increased quarantine hotel costs of £2,285. Germany, Norway, Romania, Austria, Latvia, Slovenia and Slovakia went green. Spain stayed amber with PCR tests advised before returning. Qatar, Bahrain and UAE moved to amber, as did India but not Pakistan. MPs Naz Shah and Yasmin Qureshi saw red at unclear criteria and the government rewarding countries that offered economic benefits to the UK. On GMB, Shats insisted the changes only happened every 3 weeks leading to more stability, and were based on various factors and advice from the joint Biosecurity Centre. Was that the same JBC whose boss resigned over the ‘watchlist’ debacle?

90,000 EU citizens left UK hospitality jobs due to Brexit and covid as a new daily record of 482 people crossing The Channel made a total so far of 10,000 in 2021. Meanwhile, almost 60,000 arrived in Europe with 1,016 dead or missing. Steve Valdez-Symonds of Amnesty International UK said: “the reason people are putting themselves in serious danger…is that there are simply no safe alternatives open to them.” He urged French and UK governments to come together to fulfil their responsibilities: “On a global scale, very few people seek asylum in the UK and politicians need to stop peddling myths and stoking hostility towards often vulnerable people who’ve experienced persecution and trauma.” 11 people arrested over the racial abuse of Rashford, Sancho and Saka, the police promised more would follow. After wrecking rooms, the Shonkyo Australian rugby team raided drinks, threw up and ruined the bog on a JAL flight home.

Inferno

Turning cold and rainy for the next few days, it seemed positively autumnal. Friday, I posted a psychedelic version of a photo of summery park blooms for Elder Sis’ birthday and the journal entry delayed from Monday, then backed up files but wished I hadn’t. Later copying notes over, I discovered a week’s journal work lost. I must have overwritten the wrong ones! On a brighter note, I booked a reasonably priced short break. Hitherto finding costs in my preferred choice destination astronomical, I considered Blackpool when I came across reference to a site we’d used some years back. Cottages in the last-minute bargain section were even cheaper when I plumped for later dates. Problems at the end of the verifying process led to an anxious 20 minutes hanging on the phone to speak to a person and be assured the booking had gone through. Dinner taking ages again, I got very tired and knocked a wine glass off the top. Sweeping up what fragments I could see on the kitchen floor, one scooted under the fridge. impossible to tell if I’d missed any small shards, I warned Phil not to walk about bare-footed until we’d hoovered.

ONS found a 39% drop in cases with infections down across the UK except Northern Ireland where they were the highest since 23^rd January and the first 16-year-old got a Pfizer jab. In Australia, Victoria state started a week-long lockdown and NSW entered a seventh week after 5 deaths, one of whom was vaccinated. “They did it wrong. Not enough herd immunity.” Intoned Phil. Hypocrite minister and chair of COP26 Alok Sharma flew to 30 countries since February and didn’t isolate after trips to red-listed Bolivia and Brazil. David Lammy called the amount of travel ‘bizarre’. Munira Wilson said: “It seems incredible that this government never seems to learn the lesson; it simply cannot be one rule for them and one rule for everyone else.” Sharma also reportedly met Prince Charles indoors mask-less and visited a primary school. Fatty Soames’ Serco saw profits up 31%, thanks in part to 17% of the company’s contracts being covid related. BOE forecasted 4% inflation by the end of 2021 but expecting it to be temporary, left interest base rates at 0.1%. A 50% rise in wholesale energy led Ofgem to raise the cap on variable tariffs from 1^st October.

In Scotland not visiting the first minister, Boris laughed that Thatcher gave us a ‘big early start’ on dealing with climate change by shutting coal mines. Sturgeon exclaimed his comment was ‘crass and deeply insensitive’ and SNP MP Owen Thompson observed they might have been spiffing for the PM, but in the real world, the Thatcher years devastated communities.

Thanks to moderate drinking, I wasn’t hungover Saturday morning but felt woefully unrested. Making the morning cuppa, I found a tiny spider in a mug. The poor thing went round and round in a circle. I stood on the doorstep, shook it onto the replanted rose, said ‘hello world’ and retreated back indoors. Realising it had probably hatched under the living room floorboards and dropped down to the kitchen on a string, I reflected there could be millions living there. Phil concurred, then spotted a larger spider brazenly sauntering across the bedroom floor. Another rescue ensued. Fed up of niggles interrupting my dossing, I thought I might as well have breakfast. Returning to bed, I replenished lost journal notes and used a colourful photo from Brighouse for a haigaⁱ. Phil cleaned the kitchen, disposing of glass shards, went to the shop and cooked dinner. I had a terrible night. The heavy rain initially soothing, I fell asleep briefly then woke to toss and turn until 4.15 a.m. Becoming anxious by the relentless downpour, I almost burst into tears before eventually getting a few hours aided by the meditation soundtrack.

Still wet Sunday morning, at least the rain wasn’t as bad. More than could be said of me. Phil asked “Are you better?” “No, I feel awful. I told you I hardly slept!” He stroked me comfortingly as though I were a kitten and suggested we go charity shopping Monday. “What for?” “I thought you wanted to.” “I never said that. It must’ve been a boring dream.” “Yep. That sounds about right.” Back upstairs, I soaked a shirt I’d managed to spill drink on and cleaned the bath before going back to bed to draft-post the journal. Despite assurances, I was still receiving e-mails telling me to complete the holiday cottage booking. I sent a message back and trusting all would be okay, researched things to do in the area. Phil cut his hair and emerged looking like arch-druid Veran from Britannia, minus the tattooed runes. He then made a variation of his signature austerity roast for dinner. While again needing sleep aids, it was a distinct improvement on the previous night.

Cases now falling except among 18-29 year olds, Heaven offered vaccines to nightclubbers leading to totals of 89% adults having one jab and 74% having two. In a short-term fix, Operation Rescript put army lorry drivers on 5 day notice to help out with the HGV shortage. A string of wildfires created an inferno across southern Europe. 21 British fire & rescue personnel were sent to Greece, 1,000 were evacuated from the island of Evia and a volunteer was killed. In Sardinia, a sheepdog died of burns after protecting his flock.

*Mici – a type of sausage which Phil said he’d prefer above all the other bribes

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 73 – Web of Deceit

“The Prime Minister is the master of untruths and half-truths…it’s the person who’s not telling the truth rather than the person calling it out that ought to be on the hotspot” (Keir Starmer)

Lies and Gimmicks

Aches and pains made exercising difficult Monday morning. Phil also struggled with bad eyes. Now into a second week, internet issues made blog-posting slow. I utilised the fine weather before rain arrived, hanging out washing and applying a final coat of paint on the wooden planter, and joked with The Decorator about builders sitting around drinking tea all day. Afternoon rest disturbed by noisy kids at the start of the summer break, I tried sleeping early that night. I was just putting my book down when a mosquito buzzed round my head. No doubt trying to escape the downpour. Torrential in the south, flooding of Whipps Cross hospital’s cellar led to loss of power and a state of emergency. We were warned of heavier thunderstorms coming north.

New covid cases down for the sixth day in a row, it was the first time there’d been a drop without lockdown. Pundits speculated Boris’ gamble had paid off while Mike Tildesley of SPI-M put it down to school holidays. He predicted it’d be 2 weeks until Freedom Day impacted on hospital admissions yet Prof. Adam Finn said of 200 in Bristol hospitals, the average age was 40 with many under 30’s seriously ill. Simon Stevens joined others to write about pressure on the NHS. Other theories for less infections included the end of Euro 2020, warmer weather, viral evolution, increased immunity and ditching of the TIT app. Millions pinged to self-isolate, some called it ‘lockdown by stealth’. While train operators reduced services, Cabinet’s covid operations committee met to add 13 industries to the exemption list. 2,000 new testing sites were promised so workers could continue working; 500 within the week. Rules in Northern Ireland relaxed to allow 15 people to meet outdoors and close contact services. Ireland permitted indoor dining for those who’d had 2 jabs or covid within the last 6 months. It emerged that France became ‘amber plus’ due to a rise in the Beta variant in La Réunion thousands of miles away from the mainland. Rabid Raab defended the decision based on ease of travel from the island. As 160,000 demonstrated about restrictions, Mini Macron said they couldn’t wish the virus away. A 10 litre limit on buying take-away fuel meant to stop dinghies crossing the channel, had little effect. The Police Federation called Nasty Patel’s announcement of a pay freeze ‘the final straw’ and voted no confidence in her. Brazilians demanded the impeachment of Bolsonaro over his covid denial and corruption. Coronavirus was found in British horseshoe bats. RhGB01 possibly existed for millennia but was only discovered by specific testing. In support of Dawn Butler, Keir told the media Boris was a ‘master of untruths and half-truths’.

Delighted to find fruit and salad veg in the co-op on Tuesday, I returned home singing: “yes, we do have bananas, tomatoes and lettuces too!” Getting cleaned up, I saw a flashing orange light outside. I stood safely on the stairs as Phil answered the door. The BT engineer wanted to check all our equipment again, even though it was all replaced last Friday. We agreed as long as he put a mask on, but repeated the issue couldn’t be in the house and affected the whole area. He admitted he’d come from a nearby household but claimed it turned out to be a spider in the connection box. Obviously it was trying to get on the web!

He fiddled with wires, replaced the only remaining old part (a splitter for the phone and router wires) and took readings which confirmed the signal had been dropping since 14^th July. Saying he was going to check outside, Phil asked “what about the exchange?” “I’m going there now,” he replied, before going to sit in his white van. Our belief he was telling fibs and didn’t go at all was confirmed later in the week. I collected up spares and added them to a pile Bright Sparks engineers dumped in the recycling last Friday. Wiping all the touch points, I hovered to do the outside doorknob, considering it impolite with the engineer still sat there. “You think he’s got covid hands,” giggled Phil. “No, but it doesn’t do any harm.”

Several insect bites really started to itch. Not sure if they were from midges or the pesky mosquito, I used antihistamine and after-bite before trying to rest. Phil received a message early evening claiming the internet was fixed. Due to all the new kit, when it worked, it was super-fast, but alas, it still bombed every few minutes. What a web of lies!

Weekly infections down (20% in Yorkshire) but hospitalisations up 33% and the highest daily rise in deaths since March, medics warned the third wave wasn’t over. However, Prof. Ferguson said the worst of the pandemic would be gone by October. The US travel ban continued for the UK and Schengen countries. Kit Malthouse called it disappointing but not surprising. After face-licking in heaven last week, party-loving journo Benjamin Button came on Jeremey Vine to perversely say he’d wear a mask in shops and tubes. The IMF now expected UK output to grow 7%, mainly because it had fallen back so much. Unison and the BMA began consulting on the 3% NHS pay rise while the RCN planned summer demos for ‘fair pay’.

Boris unveiled the Beating Crime Plan which entailed permanent relaxation of stop & search conditions, response time league tables, named officers for communities and chain gangs of anti-social citizens in fluorescent jackets ‘visibly paying their debt to society’. On Newsnight the previous evening, Nick Thomas-Symonds dismissed the daft ideas as more gimmicks and slogans, saying the 20,000 promised new recruits only replaced coppers lost since 2010. He added that the Tories had decimated neighbourhood policing and swept away supporting apparatus such as youth clubs while voting against a bill to increase sentences for rapists which showed they weren’t ‘tough on crime or the causes of crime’ at all.

Mounds and Piles

An insect bite on my leg particularly itchy Wednesday, I took more antihistamine and applied cream and a plaster to stop me scratching it. It was 4 days until they stopped being troublesome. Phil started a live chat with Talk-Talk straight after breakfast and spent the day moving hither and thither fiddling with wires without telling me what was going on. He gave me a jolt more than once suddenly coming up behind as I got on with vacuuming. Fraught, I collapsed with coffee before computer work, succeeding in posting a blog on Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ and re-plugged the back-up drive into the router to copy files from the past fortnight. The afternoon siesta was interrupted by a teeming thunderstorm, music blaring from neighbours’ cars, screeching geese and screaming kids. At the end of the day, Talk-Talk suggested replacing the router again. “It’s 5 days old!“ I exclaimed. Phil sent them a 2,000 word précis of events so far.

2,848 new covid cases since start the of Shonkyo 2020, the city’s total was over 200,000. Avoiding the lame games shown from early morning, we watched Good Morning Britain (GMB). A minister claiming the pandemic ‘over bar the shouting’ and The Glove-Puppet calling the unvaccinated ‘selfish’, Therese Coffee-Cup spouted a pile of waffle. Evading questions on the end to the UC uplift, she prated about getting disabled people into jobs. Good luck with that, you vacuous waste of space! Ex-PM Turnbull said Australia’s vaccination programme was a ‘complete fail’, having only reached 16% of the population. Later in the week, Sydney entered another month of lockdown. 3,000 crossed the channel in July; a monthly record. RNLI boss Mark Dowie videoed crews being abused as they rescued drowning migrants. In one instance, a mob shouted ‘go back to France’. As Mr. Dowie called it ‘vital humanitarian work’, Nasty Nigel Farage said they provided a taxi service. The following day, donations and volunteer vacancy searches on the charity’s website soared. Yvette Coop subsequently revealed ‘shocking conditions’ at the Kent Intake Unit where new arrivals endured inhumane overcrowding and the risk of infection. Newmarket council voted ‘no confidence’ in the local MP aka The Cock. NHS England saw sense, appointing Amanda Pritchard as the new CE rather than Dildo or Jo Amazon. Sheffield Forgemasters was effectively nationalised when the MOD bought it. The Gwynedd slate landscape filled the gap left by Liverpool on the UNESCO world heritage list, causing concern over house prices, too many tourists and second-homers.

On a cold, grey, windy Thursday, I worked on my novel for the first time in three months until head fug set in. I contemplated doing art but uninspired, I hunted for loose change instead and counted £40 into bank bags. Phil again on to Talk-Talk all day, they unbelievably tried to charge him for the engineer visits. After lodging a complaint, the issue was escalated to the section manager at long last. I suggested Ofcom if it still didn’t get sorted but Phil said they were useless. “Threaten to set Watchdog on them. It’s worked for me before.” They eventually officially informed us the problem originated at the exchange. We’d been telling them that from the start! Saying it could be fixed Saturday, we didn’t hold our breath. Just as well, seeing as that was yet another lie to add to the pile. On asking why the process was so shit, Phil said every call was treated as a new case and he got caught up in a never-ending loop. What a stupid system! If a problem wasn’t solved first time In future, he vowed to go straight to complaints.

Cases and deaths up a second day running, 689,313 were pinged in the past week. 260 testing centres for ‘critical workers’ opened. After announcing that arrivals from the US and EU (except France) wouldn’t have to quarantine from 2^nd August as long as they were double-jabbed and took PCR tests, Rabid Raab came on GMB to call it a ‘smart and sensible’ move. Scotland and Wales followed suit, the latter ‘with regret’. International cruises also allowed, where on earth could they berth? While testing was required of arrivals, it wasn’t for ‘ping and release’. I agreed with Christina Pagel that it made no sense; the vaccinated could still infect others with variants. ONS reported 86% of 35-54 year olds and only 75% of 18-34 year olds, stuck to isolation rules. Yet while the daily number of first and second jabs had gone up for the first time in ages, the under 30’s remained reluctant. A Pop-up at Thorpe Park to jab the young seemed mad. What if they were sick on the coronacoaster? The first batch of vaccines promised to poorer countries dispatched, Raab predicted the whole world immunised by mid-2022. The WHO expected it would be the end of next year. Who to believe? Experts or a self-serving tory? Flooding deposited mounds of mud in Lake Como villages, leaving people homeless and Storm Evert landed in South West England. The government pledged £860m for flood defences. I’d said they’d cough up if London and the south was hit. According to Look North, our valley would get some of it. Newsnight reported on extreme weather across the globe. We were bemused by a climate change expert referring to ‘rain heavy storm rain’ and Allegra Stratton (now apparently Boris’ spokesperson on the issue), spouting a mound of guff on targets.

Storm Evert brought more rain our way Friday. Feeling depressed, I moped about before working on the journal and going to the co-op. Phil caught up at the till to help carry and unpack. Avoiding streaming issues,, we spent the evening watching Bladerunner 1 & 2 on DVD, appreciating the awesomeness anew. After drinking all the wine, we went to bed late and suffered the next day.

Infections continued to rise across the UK, except Scotland, but new cases fell. Uncle Joe announced payments of $100 to encourage more vaccinations, which could be mandatory for US government roles. Big companies following suit included Google, Facebook and Netflix. Rabid Raab thought it ‘a good idea’ for UK employers to do likewise but lawyers warned of a legal minefield and union GMB expressed concern mandatory jabs might become a substitute for covid-safe practices. A decision on whether students needed to be immunised before returning to campus wouldn’t be made until September. Leeds dairy Arla envisaged milk supply disruption over the summer if the HGV driver shortage wasn’t addressed. Derided as a pile of crap, Marble Arch Mound closed after 2 days. Westminster council obviously off their heads commissioning the ludicrous tourist attraction, it would have been better to recreate Tyburn Prison complete with gibbet and hold weekly lotteries to determine which lying politician to hang.

Steampunk Weekend

Taking it slow on Saturday, I pottered about and cooked, trying to ignore terrible music from outside and drunks staggering about in the early hours. I doubted the Steampunks here for the weekend would be so uncouth. The Internet predicably not fixed, Phil couldn’t even contact Talk-Talk. The evening’s old DVD selection comprised of another escapist double bill – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1 & 2.

In the house for days on end, we ventured out Sunday to have a gander at the shenanigans. I headed out first, via the knobbly veg stall, wandered around the rest of the market and loitered in the square. Taking surreptitious photos of elderly people in fancy dress proved hard as they were total posers who could spot a camera at 50 feet. When he arrived, Phil advised a more brazen approach. We bumped into a couple we’re friends with and compared observations on the internet palaver and Steampunks. She agreed some looked like Quality Street soldiers, others more Jane Austen than Victorian and what did Captain America have to do with it? Wondering why they came when there wasn’t anything specific to attract them (for instance films, of which there were several), Phil said it was like mods in the olden days – parading up and down to be seen. We escaped to the park for a touch of normality. I rested on a bench while Phil answered a call from Talk-Talk. They assured him there’d be no charge for the engineer visits and the problem at the exchange was ‘being worked on’. Strolling in the rather quiet park, butterflies and bees flitted among teasels and wildflowers, a small group chatted beside a Valley Pride banner and a few kids inhabited the skateboard park. None were brave enough to emulate Charlotte Worthington’s ground-breaking Olympic BMX tricks which were definitely more impressive than the sad horse event we’d caught a glimpse of. As riders galloped around, pedestrians wandered the course taking phone snaps. Truly Shonkyo!

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Cool Places 2: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 9 – Lexicography

Flouters and Charlatans

1 - Art in the Making — Art in the Making

Tuesday morning, we both felt slightly unwell. The persistent scratchy throat and heavy feeling in my gut signalled heightened anxiety, with no apparent specific cause. I forced myself to get up. The university researcher’s brief looked interesting. I indicated consent to contribute and amended documents to include my name and copyright. This took a while but were now formatted for potential future uses. , I managed some more work on the journal but my head became heavy. I went for a lie down. Inevitably, noisy socialising on the street below prevented proper rest. As the evening trees were touched by soft light, my annoyance and depression at still feeling ill and fatigued grew. I desperately needed to get out for fresh air, vitamins, and exercise – my legs were seizing up!

Fatal cases of Covid-19 hit 32k in the UK, overtaking Italy to become the second highest globally. Matt Cock still wittered about different counting methods making the data incomparable. He would have been wise to shut his gob; many deaths in care homes had not been recorded as Coronavirus-related, so the rate was probably even higher. Amid much vaunting, the Contact Tracing app, NHSX,, was piloted on the Isle of Wight. Amnesty International warned it opened ‘the door to pervasive state surveillance’. The local MP, Silly Bob, dismissed concerns associated with the use of personal data and how the app would work in practice, patronisingly saying “it’s simples!”

Wednesday brought some improvements as the throat discomfiture changed from a scratch to a tight feeling. Morning news revealed a couple of high-profile lockdown flouters. A SAGE boffin, involved in setting the rules, resigned as his girlfriend was caught visiting his home. Nasty Nigel was filmed pointing at ‘illegal immigrants’ sailing on dinghies into Dover. With characteristic bare-faced cheek, he claimed to be ‘an essential journalist’ when in fact, he is nought but a charlatan! Matt Cock told MP DR Allin-Khan to ‘change her tone’ as she quizzed him on the lack of testing leading to lost lives. So, the opposition was not allowed to ask factual questions without being patronised? Yet more evidence, if any were needed, of the sheer conceitedness of the self-righteous right-wing!

The morning flew by as I worked on the journal, placed an Ocado order and watched PMQ’s. Bumbling Boris arrogantly arrived late and declared a target of 200,000 tests a day by the end of May even though the current 100,00 target was only met for one day last week.

2 - Supermoon in a Pink Sky — Supermoon Rising

At the start of the week, Phil cast about for an excuse to go out. With no shop requirements, he suggested going to look for goslings, snapped by a fellow photographer on the marina. Hoping they’d still be there we set off in the late afternoon sun. Kids’ chalk drawings on the pavement suggested a home-school project in progress.

We waited for a neighbour coming up the steps. “It’s so strange walking round (toy town*) now, she remarked, “but I quite like it. Apart from missing the charity shops. I’ve got no summer clothes.” I sympathised as I also missed them, but little else (see below).

As she reached the top step, a slipper-wearing man with a mini dog rudely overtook us. The usual hippies milled about on the main road. At the marina, we spotted geese, pigeons, a wagtail, a pile of pallets and a small family sat on the cobbles, but no goslings. In the memorial gardens, displaced pub-goers socialised on benches while in the park, children weaved about on bikes. The ‘wild flower’ patch was a riot of dandelions. On the less-trod playing field, they sprouted alongside daisies. Exiting onto the towpath, signs redolent of Royston Vasey proclaimed ‘local use only’. Fish swam beneath bright ripples in the canal, but still no sign of goslings.

At twilight we took simple pleasure in the last full supermoon of the year rising into a pink sky.

Vagaries of Easement

3 - IBM Summit Supercomputer — IBM Summit Supercomputer

Press speculation abounded on the ‘Exit Roadmap’ due Thursday. ‘Easement’ added to the lexicography of lockdown. Predicted to include permitting more outdoor activity in England, Sturgeon’s ’blueprint’ for Scotland included the idea of a social ‘bubble’ allowing mixing within wider circles. The ping-pong on masks continued with Keir Hardy saying they were inevitable in confined spaces and public transport. Medical ‘experts’ remained vague, with arguments on whether the risk from aerosol transmission of the virus was a real risk, compared to droplets from the infected. A woman from IBM (whose Summit supercomputer was being used for project to fight the virus) mused on different future models of working; that would be ‘the new normal’ then! Interestingly, the Newsnight presenter echoed my observation that people had finally realised we didn’t need all that consumption or to fly about willy-nilly.

My now habitual early shopping expedition entailed a short wait at the co-op, with 1 person ahead of me. Inside, it was moderately busy but relatively stress-free. Possibly due to less dawdlers, or to a new system for coding my list by section making it easier to find things on each aisle. Not getting everything I needed, I scored reduced scampi. Phil said we should have it with chips and tinnies outside, to replicate a pub dinner. Of course we didn’t – the scampi wasn’t as good as the pub anyway.

I expected coffee to be waiting for me on my return, but Phil had been ‘rescuing’ a beetle from the bathroom. I’d noticed it indoors the night before and assumed it had been carried on our jeans from the park. However, it returned to the house over the weekend, so maybe it belonged here. As I tried to deal with the groceries in the kitchen, he started washing up . I became angry and shouted “ get out of my way!” He stomped upstairs, retorting: “There’s no point being in here is there? And you’ve been less than half an hour!” I checked myself, not realising the errands had been so quick, and apologised.

Hanging washing out, I met the woman and young girl staying next door for the first time. I introduced myself in a neighbourly way, prompting for the courtesy to be reciprocated. (The girl’s unusual name gave me an idea for ‘Felling Oakes’). The woman said they’d moved from ‘up tops’ to be nearer town during lockdown but added “It looks like we’re coming out of it now.” “Err, no we’re not!” I replied.

I finally got rid of the pesky last bit of mould on the bathroom window. During my rest, I enjoyed the scent of clean sheets that had dried outside, but didn’t really relax. Although quiet outside for a change, my mind churned with mundane crap. If it wasn’t one thing it was the other! In an effort to deal with at least 1 small issue and replenish dwindling bathing supplies, I placed a Boots order online, spending enough to qualify for free home delivery – a good job with collect in store no longer an option.

It turned out the PPE ordered by the government from Turkey was rubbish, after waiting days for an RAF flight to fetch it! Evening figures showed coronavirus infections up again In England (specifically in care homes) and still rising in Scotland. Data suggested morbidity was 4 times higher among ethnic minorities. Although full analysis hadn’t taken place, socio-economic and geographical factors were likely the main reasons. No doubt compounded by the fact that a disproportionately high number worked in low-paid and public sector jobs. Regardless of this backdrop, cabinet meeting discussions continued to suggest ‘easement’ with people allowed to go on longer walks and have picnics from next week. With the imminent bank holiday, I predicted pre-emptive flouting. Phil said everyone had enough of lockdown and they’d just start to ignore it. He frequently whinged about the restrictions but I quite liked some aspects of it.

Watching Jeremy Vine the next day, he asked ‘was it wrong to say you’re enjoying lockdown?’ I tweeted that while bragging or gloating about the joys of lockdown smacked of smugness, I didn’t mind it. Suffering from chronic fatigue and other health issues for several years, my life hadn’t changed much and I’d developed lots of coping strategies. A supportive partner who made me laugh several times a day helped massively. And for once, I was actually better off than a lot of working people – unlike some people’s income, my ESA would continue (although I had to fight for over a year to have it re-instated just before Christmas). The situation also took a lot of pressure off to go to appointments for example (the prospect of another ATOS assessment seemed very remote). While missing the charity shops, I hated grocery shopping with the stupid random shortages and mindless idiots wandering about. It really heightened my stress and anxiety levels. What I really missed was seeing friends and not being able to plan trips out.

On Question Time, Useless George couldn’t answer questions on the practicalities of contact-tracing. Challenged on why the government loved the graphs when they showed the UK doing well compared to other countries but now showed the opposite, he parroted claims that the data was unreliable and comparisons couldn’t be made – more flannel and deflection. A few days later, they stopped showing the graphs altogether!

VE Day In The Bubble

Rising on Friday morning, I felt woozy and the scratchy throat returned, albeit mild. Forgetting it was VE day until I put the telly on, I wondered why the footage of celebrations always showed London. What happened elsewhere?

Computer work took up most of the morning; far from super. Unable get a re-worked ‘Corvus Bingo’ to display properly, I became very annoyed, gave up and hung washing on the line instead. The pole was stuck and as I tried to loosen it, the end broke off raising my anger. Phil set about fixing it in spite of my protests. I wanted to leave it in favour of lunch and a walk in the sun. I stomped off to clean up and make butties, by which time he’d fixed the pole; so no need to get worked up (again!) Predictably late afternoon by the time we ventured out, we didn’t get far.

5 - Hippies in Anti-Lockdown Demo — Hippies in Anti-Lockdown Demo

Jolly laughter, bursts of terrible music and milling about implied people on the street below were actually having a party – still ongoing into the evening. Evidence of beer-swigging emerged a few days later as the crashing sound of empty bottles being tipped into the recycling collection cart lasted several minutes.

On our street, neighbours of the adjacent terrace socialised in their own self-created ‘bubble’. Mr. Fast n Furious raced up and parked in the middle of the thoroughfare for no apparent reason, stood there a few minutes with engine idling, then reversed out with equal speed. We gave all a wide berth and walked through clouds of floating dandelion seeds on the long way into town, giggling at pathetic bunting in ‘Brexit Close’. A sole person occupied a bench in the square. I discovered a couple of days later that we’d avoided an anti-lockdown demo. Some Googling unearthed a photo of 8 hippies, including the stupid arty German couple (the man had proudly used it as his updated profile pic). I recalled the encounter a few weeks ago and was not surprised they were part of the small band of ‘covidiots’! Supportive comments on social media included sociopaths asserting that only old people, smokers, the obese and diabetics died of Covid-19. So it was alright to let whole sections of the population perish then was it? And they called us the Nazis! Incensed local dignitaries railed back, branding them selfish and arrogant.

I’d always said toy town was like a bubble, with residents having no clue about the real world outside the valley (confirmed by the supreme shock and disbelief displayed at the result of the 2016 Brexit referendum). Thus the several pockets of flouters, conspiracy-theorists and deniers hadn’t surprised me.

Getting a few errands, we popped in the fancy wine shop to smirk at the exorbitant prices and dance to Sister Sledge. After purchasing the fabled goat meat from the very local butchers, we aimlessly wandered towards the people’s pizza van. The smoky wood smell was a big draw but competed with the stink of draw towards the aqueduct. We crossed to the other side of the lock to avoid the idiotic bank holiday smokers and drinkers, enjoying a quiet patch of sunlight. Along the towpath, the angry white geese noisily defended their territory against half-breed ducks. One, a mix of mallard and runner duck, swam in an ungainly fashion, struggling to keep its long neck up . At the next exit point, we spotted another wagtail in the river. Nearby, we hailed a couple of friends in their garden, chatting safely from the other side of the wall. He had been furloughed and she’d sensibly given up work as a self-employed painter for the duration, enjoying the rest. That made at least two other people liking the slower pace of life!

In a change from most days, VE Day celebrations topped the evening news, with footage shot outside London for once, including a Polish war hero living in the next village – who knew! Latest reports on the expected relaxing of lockdown included some small changes likely for Wales while Sturgeon insisted her hand would not be forced, regardless of what happened in other UK nations. The government warned against expecting much change in England. Too late! The right-wing press had already reported the unconfirmed broadcasts in a warped way (amid rumours of deliberate leakage). And look what happened in toy town! I said it was asking for trouble announcing the announcement.

Idiocracy

6 - Haiga - Know Your Limits — Haiga – Know Your Limits i

Busy indoors Saturday, I didn’t benefit from the persistent sunshine. Phil still suffered from back pain and continued with his gig-economy job. He made $300 for the week for the first time since he started it ‘for Christmas’ – not bad going seeing as he only got $1 per question.

The brown soda bread I made looked a little over-baked but tasted good with a cakey texture. As it contained a touch of honey, I thought I’d add sunflower seeds next time; if I could find more wholemeal flour, not seen for the past 6 weeks. Phil cut and dyed my hair. Long overdue, it had turned ‘nothing colour’ (aka grey) and the fringe fell over my eyes. I felt a stone lighter afterwards. Finally managing to format ‘corvus bingo’, I then had trouble posting it on Facebook. Annoyed again, l almost threw the laptop across the room!

Phil finally got round to his DIY task in the bathroom. The full tube of sealant we had struggled to find last weekend, was totally gunked up. Having already gouged out the old stuff, it left a hole behind the washbasin. Why are these things never straight-forward?

As Sunday turned cold, and we awaited a new tube of sealant to arrive, I decided to start the painting. I found a veritable spider’s nest behind the far bathroom cupboard, testament to how rarely I bothered to move it. I also discovered more mould between the bath and sink. I applied the treatment then spent ages searching for the right paint, even though I had dug it out a week ago and left it in an obvious place – it had fallen into a carrier bag. After all the prep, it took 10 minutes to paint the offending wall. Meanwhile, Phil made us a small lunch of ‘hors d’oeuvres’ (i.e., Ritz crackers topped with humus, sliced olives and cheese triangles – very 1970’s!)

Previews of Bumbling Boris’ statement being vague, I watched it live. He blathered and blustered for the most part, insisting the strategy (sic) had “prevented catastrophe” of 10m deaths (what happened to 20k being a ‘good outcome?). The hitherto clear message to ‘stay home’ was replaced by the vague ‘stay alert’ (As one doctor said, that could mean not being asleep!) In fact, the whole slogan had been re-worded to: ‘Stay alert; Control the virus; Save lives. Inevitable memes took the piss. He wittered on about a ’shape of a plan’ and promised more details on the “way ahead” in parliament the next day, with questions from the public during the briefing (there were already tons!) “We could do lots of things”, he continued, “but cannot risk going back to square one” before repeating the 5 key tests and banging on about a Covid Alert System. He promised to reverse the epidemic in care homes and the NHS with a ‘world beating’ test and trace system and to detect flare-ups in local areas. At last, he got to the crux of the matter saying it was “not the time to lift lockdown (but) to modify measures”, to be done initially in 3 steps.

‘From tomorrow… go to work if you cannot work from home’. In fact it was ‘actively encouraged’ while being discouraged from using public transport. As they were still ‘working on’ guidance for employers, people were expected to travel to work in potentially unsafe conditions, to potentially unsafe workplaces. It smacked of a cynical ploy to stop ‘dependency’ on furlough and benefits; forcing people back to work after telling them not to for the past 6 weeks!

From Wednesday, unlimited time outdoors was allowed, including golf, fishing and skateboarding and driving to places, as long as you came back on the same day and obeyed social distancing rules, with increased fines for flouters.

From 1^st June, there would be a phased re-opening of shops and schools; starting with primary years 1 and 6. They were ‘setting out’ guidance for the education sector. How on earth did he expect 5-year olds to social distance? Phil remarked he’d run away from all his sprogs so far, thus having no idea how kids behaved!

Sometime in July, some hospitality would re-open. All steps were ‘ conditional on following advice and rules’ and would be monitored. Quarantine would also ‘soon’ be imposed on those flying into the UK (making me re-ask why this had not already been done. Predictably, airlines went up in arms).

More argument ensued over the coming days as it was branded ‘vague, confusing and disappointing’. Keir Hardy said it raised ‘more questions than answers’ Apparently, Boris didn’t tell cabinet, let alone parliament, what he was going to say. Another; product of Scumbag Cumberbatch or just total disregard for democracy?

Monday morning, noise in the early hours woke me several times. Honking geese started up about 4.00 a.m. The cacophony of their ‘dawn chorus’ jarred, unlike that of the tweety birds. Then various works started up. Some people did not waste time when the rules changed! Between these interruptions, I had vivid dreams involving going to a weird holiday place. While observing social distancing, much running amok took place. I spent the morning posting blogs. By coincidence, the red windows reflected in the canal on the photo I used, were painted by the friend I’d chatted to on Fridayⁱ.

In the news, Matt Cock’s neck was on the line, following a furious row with number 10. He was blamed for failures in the system including shortages of PPE, strengthening speculation that he would be the fall guy.

Later in parliament, the government was challenged on claims that the new guidance was ‘clear’ and ‘good old-fashioned British common sense’. The promised 50 page document had huge gaps.

Keir made a statement insisting we still needed clarity, re-assurance and detail on unanswered questions: Do people go to go to work or school without a guarantee of safety? Was there a clear direction for the sketchy ‘roadmap’? Would public transport be safe? When could we see our loved ones? How were employees meant to balance childcare with working? How would the police enforce the rules? (they are after all, guidance, not laws!) He also drew attention to the daft situation of different rules in different nations of the UK and said he was ‘determined to build better society’ when all this was over; we couldn’t go back to ‘business as usual’ with NHS staff not being valued and care homes treated as second class. ‘Getting through’ would be due to the courage of key workers, and the resilience and human spirit of ordinary people, not the blithering idiots in power.

Bumbling Boris led the briefing with questions from the public, but I’d had enough by then. Subsequent commentaries expounded the view the vagueness was a cynical ploy to shift blame from the government to the voters. A friend posted a link on Facebook to a petition to sue the government on how they’d handled the pandemic. I added my signature, fully aware that it was a waste of time – after all, they are the ones with the power and vast teams of lawyers behind them, enabling them to wheedle their way through the loopholes!

*A note on ‘toy town’ – an old private joke

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Nigel Farage