Part 86 – Blah, Blah, Blah

“This devastating milestone reminds us that we are failing much of the world” (Antonio Guterres)

Talking Shop

I slept fitfully through a pouring night until the alarm forced me up on Monday. Guessing a missed call concerned the appointment, the landline rang later. As anticipated by the dream, the slot in Tod wasn’t available due to staff sickness and they directed me to immediately go to Halifax. I negotiated for 3.00 p.m. then stuck an anorak over my head, took garbage out, and found a whole melon in the food bin. Nowt wrong with it apart from being rock hard, I brought it in and washed it thrice to be safe. Were people made of money? Making lunch, the kettle did that weird thing of mentally spewing froth – probably because of the copious rain. I panicked as Phil ineffectually wiped round. It took three boils to expunge the foam. The rain had eased off as we went to the bus stop round the corner. We sat on the top deck to enjoy scenic views of canal reflections and pavements carpeted with leaves. The bus station shut for refurb, we hurried round the corner and just caught the connection. Slightly early, we lingered in the grounds examining chewed conkers and a peculiar mushroom on a mushroom among undergrowth. Again, Phil patiently waited for me while I underwent a slightly less ghastly procedure than the previous week. We went straight home but too late for a siesta, I recovered slightly from the ordeal with coffee and snacks. Phil had to take over chopping veg for dinner when I sliced my thumb. Knackered by bedtime, it took ages to sleep.

Covid deaths reached 5 million world-wide, half in the UK, EU, USA and Brazil even though they represented only 1/8 of the world population. Antonio Guterres called it ‘a global shame’. Walk-in boosters were announced with everyone within 10 miles of a centre. That’s a long walk! Contradicting Boris, Mini Macron said the ball was in the UK’s court and threatened to implement fishing restrictions from Tuesday. Trussed-Up Liz retorted they wouldn’t ‘roll over’ and cave in to French demands. Jersey licensing ‘entirely in accordance with Brexit agreements’ she may trigger dispute resolution measures. Lord Frosty Gammon accused the EU of ‘overly strict enforcement of the Northern Ireland protocol, without regard to the huge political, economic and identity sensitivities’. Loyalists hijacked and torched a bus. 52 private jets flew in celebs to COP26, including Gates and Bezos. The latter lauded his Earth Fund and upped his donation to £1.4 billion. It then emerged CO2 emitted during a single space flight by the greenwashing hypocrite equated to the amount produced by one of the world’s poorest in a lifetime! Greta Thunberg was mobbed outside Glasgow rail station and spoke at a rally opposite SSE where 25,000 delegates went ‘blah, blah, blah’. Activists from the most affected countries sailed into port on Greenpeace’s Rainbow Warrior. Justin Welby said leaders would be cursed if this didn’t prove to be the moment they saved the planet. “That’s some powerful juju!” laughed Phil. On Newsnight, a drug-addled Allegra Stratton, now apparently PM spokesperson on COP26, insisted Nodi’s promise to reduce emissions by 2070 was great, even though it was 20 years too late, and domestic flights were a ‘personal choice’.

COOP Shop

Waking in a cold, bright dawn Tuesday, I felt discombobulated, fatigued and nauseous and griped about my travails. About to clean the kitchen, Phil had made a start and I decided to leave the rest ‘til later. Actually, I didn’t feel up to it. I made an effort to work on the journal and went to the co-op for lunch supplies. They’d got with the zeitgeist displaying ‘COOP 26’ posters. Gaps on shelves meant hardly any British cheese, but bizarrely loads of continental stuff. I paid my mate at the kiosk, hefted bags home and struggled to the kitchen, swallowing annoyance at a lack of help. After lunch, I was falling asleep and struggling to see in bright sunlight, whinged and sympathised with Phil who had migraine. I got a WhatsApp alert, read ‘family group’ in a message, then the app bombed. I rang my brother who provided an update on mum’s headstone and complained everything was still slow and shit. Sharing health notes, he said he’d had covid recently even with 2 jabs, and we had a laugh at the expense of anti-vaxxers. Phil tutted impatiently so I went upstairs to continue the chat. My nephew now at Leeds University, I said he’d have to come and see us. “Does he?” “Well, he doesn’t HAVE to!” My brother chortled at that. I lay down to rest to be disturbed by nasty chainsaws – they loved massacring those trees!

Meanwhile, at COP26, Biden said Chinese and Russian leaders made a ‘big mistake’ not coming. 110 countries covering 85% of earth’s forests, pledged to reverse deforestation which Boris called ‘the great chainsaw massacre’. No way did he come up with that himself. FOE said proof would be in action not words and de-funding by big finance. Half the world’s top methane producers pledged to cut emissions by 30%, seen as a significant short-term contribution. XR went to JP Morgan and Scottish Power offices in Glasgow. Four more energy companies tanked. Goblin Saj said he was ‘leaning towards’ mandatory vaccines for the NHS. Chris Hopkins advised he wait until April or they’d lose staff over a ‘very difficult winter’. France suspended punitive action on fishing boats while negotiations continued. Frosty Gammon later met Clemet Bone-Head. No breakthrough, he’d meet Maros Sefcovic. “He’ll probably say ‘go away and stop being silly It’s only fish!’” predicted Phil. North Yorkshire cops began a campaign against bad driving which had worsened since the pandemic. Bereaved families protested smart motorways, the transport select committee counselled a halt to the rollout but Sh**ts said bringing hard shoulders back was less safe – WTF!

Money Talks

A difficult start to Wednesday, I persevered and sent my submission to Valley Life magazine for the next issue before preparing for a walk. Hitherto sunny, the skies went dark indicating rain. Phil declared he was making lunch instead. Only going out of the house for shops and appointments for 1½ weeks, I’d looked forward to a leisure outing and got depressed. I kept busy changing profile pics and passwords. A message in the junk folder implied an unexpected Facebook log-in. I doubted its authenticity but thought it wise to alter details anyway. At dinnertime, I ripped the skin off the sore thumb rinsing a margarine tub. “Should I sue?“ “Yes!” said Phil. “If it was you, you’d use superglue!” “Yes!” I applied a plaster instead.

As a sage bod resigned, Prof Van Dam came on the BBC to evade questions on government not ‘following the science’ and repeat the party lines of caution and getting jabs (1.6 million had boosters in the past week). He said we were ‘running hot’ with high case numbers and the pandemic wasn’t over but prevaricated on face-coverings, refusing to say Rees-Moggy was wrong that MPs didn’t need them in the commons as they all knew each other. Lindsay Hoyle directed them to be worn in both chambers but was largely ignored by tories. MPs narrowly voted for an amendment so Owen Paterson’ suspension for lobbying was put on hold until the rules were reviewed to include a right of appeal. Calling it an ‘absolute disgrace’, Labour, along with the Lib Dems and SNP, spurned the new committee thus it would consist of tory members only. Keir still off with covid, Rayner stood in at PMQs to say: “this is about playing by the rules…when they break the rules Mr Speaker, they just re-make the rules.” Even if you accepted the accused should have a right of appeal, how on earth could you apply that retrospectively, I wondered. Phil remarked Patterson didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong; getting bungs was an everyday part of life as a tory.

The day at COP26 was all about the money. Rishi Rich said developed nations would send the promised £73bn to developing countries in 2023, 3 years behind target, but they also needed private sector dosh. 450 financial institutions signed up to the Glasgow Financial Alliance for Net Zero (Gfanz). Led by Mark Carney, money had to be matched with net zero projects. The Loch Ness debt monster was blocked from being set afloat as it breached ‘maritime restrictions’. XR protested greenwashing. Hundreds marched, chanted and banged drums, some sat down outside SSE, cops were sprayed with paint and 2 activists were arrested. Bony Prince Charlie and Leo Crapio met Stella McCartney showing off her sustainable fashion including mushroom-grown leather bags and vegan football boots. I bet they were cheap, not! ‘Calling out’ the fashion industry, she said: “We’re one of the most harmful industries in the world to the environment” and “I’m trying to provide sustainable solutions and technologies and a better way of doing things.” After chanting ‘stick it up your arse’, Greta declared net zero on swearing – each time she used a bad word, she’d compensate by saying something nice.

Thursday, we spent the morning cleaning and working on laptops. I approved the proof from Valley Life before setting off in early afternoon sun on the walk we’d planned the previous day, calling in at the co-op for pastries. Heading up to a favoured copper beech woodland, the trees weren’t as red as usual but leaves already fell. “That’s that then!” laughed Phil. We squatted near an old gatepost to eat pastries then continued up a horrid stony path. Turning right, we proceeded on tarmac almost missing an overgrown stile across fields. Put off by huge sheep, Phil started up a ‘desire path’. I followed to struggle inelegantly over a metal gate. In the village, we looked at a new ‘beer shop’ – actually a TV filming location complete with distressed props. Returning via a different section of the wood, strong sun highlighted autumn golds. “That’s better!” Phil declared. “What are you on about? It’s all been lovely. It’s more yellow and orange this year but you already knew that.” Very warm atop the ridge, by the time we got home, I had backache, fatigue and felt overheated. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱ)

MHRA approved Molnupiravir to treat covid in patients with at least 1 risk factor. It prevented the virus multiplying so halved the risk of serious illness or death if taken within 5 days of a positive test. Trials of Pfizer’s Paxlovid found similar results (89% effective at reducing serious infection if taken as soon as symptoms appeared by those at high risk). Dr. Kluge of Who said 1.8 million cases across Europe last week due to relaxed measures and low vaccine take-up were of ‘grave concern’. Indians celebrated Diwali as reported cases were a mere 12,000 a day. Surely that was due to low testing rates? Inflation forecast to reach 5% by spring, BOE left interest rates low but said a hike to around 1% would come within months. John Lewis and M&S launched Christmas ads to get us spending. An ethics adviser told Boris yesterday’s vote was a ‘very serious and damaging moment for parliament’. Forced into a U-turn by the opposition’s refusal to join the new committee, Rees-Moggy said he’d now seek cross-party changes to the rules which wouldn’t be applied retrospectively. Saying ‘corrupt’ was the only word for it, Keir still refused to take part. Owen Paterson found out about the latest shenanigans while shopping in Waitrose and resigned meaning a by-election. Would the good folk of North Shropshire vote out sleaze?

At COP26, 23 countries committed to phase out coal power and 46 signed up to transition to clean energy. Jennifer Morgan of Greenpeace International said it was only one nail in the coffin for coal: “without the USA, Australia, China and India, there’s still a very real danger that the end won’t come soon enough.”

War of Words

No sun to temper the chill Friday, the ground looked wet. As it became misty, Phil thought it was thawing frost. The thermometer dropping, we shivered even with extra layers and had to put the heating on advance for the first time of the season. Putting washing in the machine, the detergent compartment was blocked and I called Phil to assist. Irked at the forced work break, I assured him I wouldn’t ask if I could manage unaided. Anyway, he needed a comfort break. In the co-op, I piled the trolley with bargains including a fab freezer deal. I queued at the only open till but when Phil arrived, another one opened. The young cashier extremely efficient, Phil observed: “She’s a bit keen. I bet she worked at Lidl” We celebrated bonfire night with copious helpings of parkin, cinder toffee and wine.

Weekly ONS stats showed stable covid rates except in Northern Ireland where they were up slightly. Greta told young activists in Glasgow COP26 was “a global north greenwash festival, a 2-week-long celebration of business as usual.” The ‘blah, blah, blah’ wasn’t what we needed after 25 years of ‘blah, blah, blah.’ Climate protests in 200 cities across the globe the next day, 50,000 marched in Glasgow.

Breakfast easier on Sunday, I’d done by the time Phil came down. I left him to clear up, worked on the journal and went to town, dodging tourists taking selfies on the old bridge. Busy with coffee-cuppers, I waited ages behind a posh couple on the market for knobbly veg. The stall-holders looked bemused when asked which squash was best for cake. I suggested orange. Cold and grey until then, the sun appeared, so I visited the park. Admiring autumn growth, I suddenly realised my purse was missing, feared I’d been pick-pocketed then spotted it in a flowerbed. Phew! I walked along the towpath in waning sun, washed the filthy veg including a rainbow of heritage carrots and collapsed on the sofa with backache and fatigue. Editing photos, I used one from Thursday for a haigaⁱⁱ and one of late-flowering park peonies to wish my niece a happy birthday.

Saying parliament wasn’t the government’s plaything, John Major labelled the attempt to save Owen Paterson shameful and wrong, said it damaged parliament’s image and the pattern of behaviour was unconservative and odious: they had broken the law, broken treaties, and broken their word on numerous occasions. On the Marr, Keir repeated the tories actions were “corrupt, contemptible and not a one-off” and trashed “the reputation of our democracy and our country.” George Useless said the mistake had been ‘put to bed’ whatever that meant. Marr suggested Rayner could be sued for slander. What was he on about? Boris would lose! As The Sunday Times revealed 15 of 16 top tory donors were in the House of Lords, Keir insisted it was time for reform. Susan Hopkins told us the jabbed elderly were now dying of covid and needed boosters. £248 m would be used to reform NHS diagnostic services. A good idea, I thought…

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 82 –People Just Do Nothing

“As ever, this political jester came up with nothing but hot air” (Manuel Cortes)

Hear Nothing

Haiga – Shadow Play

After posting blogs Monday, I succeeded in entering meter readings and book a service on the British Gas website. Unable to get a date before the year’s homecare cover expired, I subsequently rang to negotiate a refund and reduction for next year, with added drainage and leccy cover we’d probably never use. Disturbed by scraping noises under the window in the afternoon and by night-time fretting, I had little rest.

Refusing to resign, Caressa Dick promised to review police standards and culture and investigate specific issues in the Parliamentary and Diplomatic Protection Command. Yvette Coop said it wasn’t enough. In Manchester, Boris claimed there was no need to make misogyny a crime as there were enough laws already, and Patel announced an independent inquiry into the ‘systematic failures’ allowing Couzens to be a cop. Rishi Rich told conference there’d be more help for AI jobs, no chance of tax cuts until we’d recovered from the pandemic and ‘managing the cost of living’ wasn’t a soundbite. You could have fooled me! Helen Waffle then waffled on Newsnight about bootcamps getting people into jobs. Facebook, Insta and WhatsApp went down for 6 hours. Cause unknown, shares plummeted and Mark Zuckerberg lost £4.3 billion. Ex-executive Frances Haugen informed senators he cared more about profits than kids.

Olive Faces

During exercise Tuesday, a burp gave me backache. Phil heedlessly sprung into action and I struggled on with chores and writing. Inspired by Phil’s hilarious creative efforts the day before, I made faces with lunchtime humus and olives. Somehow, they didn’t engender the same level of hysterics.

Going shopping in nasty cold rain, the co-op was also horrid. Parents and kids ambled and gabbed all over the shop. One family edged closer behind me at the till. I was trying to hurry when a chubby girl pushed my goods down the conveyor.

“Excuse me! Do you mind not touching my stuff?” I snapped. Shocked at actually being told off, she cowered. I rushed home where Phil had helpfully hung washing up and cleared kitchen tops for groceries, but I still managed to tip veg on the floor. Finding wet clothes placed on top of almost-dry stuff on the rack upstairs, I became frustrated by the niggles and lay on the bed.

School absences due to infections went up 2/3 at the end of September. Neil Ferguson warned the UK had little headroom compared to other countries before the NHS became ‘heavily stressed’ because of the ‘political decision to ‘live with covid’. He advised Plan B (masks, passes and working from home). Israelis had to have a third vaccine shot to keep the Green Pass and New Zealand abandoned their ‘zero covid’ strategy. Phased re-opening would start in Auckland. As Insulate Britain stopped ambulances getting through and scrapped with motorists, Roger Hallam of XR said they were right to block roads. Arrogant nob Liam Norton came on Jeremy Vine to not hear what anyone was saying and preach. He later apologised outside the High Court. At conference, Boris called them ‘irresponsible crusties’ and Patel announced increased penalties for disrupting a motorway and the criminalisation of interfering with key infrastructure such as roads, airports and railways. HS2 unlikely to come north, it was estimated tunnelling protestors at Euston last year cost £3.5 million. Simon Gass met the Taliban in Doha to discuss humanitarian aid, threats of terrorism, safe passage, treatment of minorities and women’s’ rights. Resulting in no action, it seemed they heard little.

Say Nothing

Ethereal Clouds

Hoovering the living room Wednesday, I felt overwhelmed by housework, got upset and slumped on the sofa. Phil sympathised and asked how he could help. I ranted that I never felt on top of chores but that wasn’t the real issue. Very sunny and warm, he thought lunch at the tearooms would cheer me up. Among a plethora of wildlife on the patio, a dying wasp stung Phil’s hand. His jumping and shouting alerted the waitress who asked if he needed anything. I suggested hot water (but as I later wondered was it cold, he tried both). A guy I knew from art class and his partner sympathised from the next table. While eating, we joked about Boris’ speech probably not mentioning Brexit, the latest antics of the French, and speculated on Barnier becoming the next president. As a trio proudly brandishing the daily express took the place of our acquaintances, I muttered: “What were you saying about gammons?” I adopted a nonchalant air, gazing up at wispy clouds and falling leaves, to realise the air was swarming with midges. We escaped from the riverside and visited charity shops. Buying nothing, we had a laugh at activity building kits including a medieval clock and jousting knights.

Vaccines were sent to scientists in antarctica but Sarah Gilbert warned with only 1.9% of people in poorer countries immunised, nobody was yet safe. After successful trials, The WHO approved the Mosquirix malaria vaccine. Quizzed on the pathetic 127 foreign HGV driver applications, The Bumbler ridiculously bigged it up to 137. He just couldn’t stop lying! He later declared: “the supply chain problem is caused very largely by the strength of the economic recovery.” Did he mean buying plastic crap from China, pushing demand and costs up? Telling Laura Kuensberg supermarkets would manage due to ‘fantastic expertise and logistics’, she said it sounded as though he didn’t hear people’s concerns, took no responsibility, didn’t see it as his problem and would do nothing to help. Ignoring immediate short-term issues of shortages and spiralling inflation, he prattled about building a different future. Were the 150 new Greggs shops planned for 2022 part of the plan?

In a bombastic keynote speech full of hutzpah and terrible jokes, Boris took credit for the triumphs of Emma Raducanu, UK Paralympians and the Oxford Vaccine, saying the 97% publicly-funded feat was possible because of capitalism. He said he’d unleash the ‘unique spirit’ of the country by having the guts to reshape society and address previously-dodged issues. Defending restricting the number of foreign workers and the National Insurance hike, he insisted a new approach would lead to a ‘high wage, high skilled, high productivity and…low tax economy’ which was what people voted for in 2016. No they didn’t! He intimated worker and food shortages, and price and wage hikes were a deliberate strategy. Not happy at being branded the bogeymen, capitalists called him ‘economically illiterate’ and Richard Walker said it wasn’t helpful. Criticism from unions included Manuel Cortes of TSSA saying it was ‘nothing but hot air’ in a time of inflation, cuts, shortages and a climate crisis. The only policy he announced was a ‘levelling up’ premium of £3,000 for maths and science teachers which former education adviser Sam Freedman said was a U-turn on a previously scrapped plan. Carrie Antoinette watched adoringly, resembling a handmaid minus the bonnet. On the eve of the Universal Credit cut, Peter Bottom complained an MP’s £82,000 salary was a pittance and Therese Coffee-Cup belted out ‘The Time Of My Life’ at a tory karaoke. Wes Streeting spluttered: “they just don’t know what life is like for a hell of a lot of people…they make policies that are actively hurting people who are going out, working hard, trying to make the best for their family and are really struggling.”

Do Nothing

Life on a Small Island

Waking late Thursday, Phil helped with chores before I went to the co-op. Much calmer on a bright day, a woman in front of me at the till asked hipster cashier if he used to work at the club. He said yes but gave it up as he was too old for the job. “You can’t be older than the people who go there!” I joked. He took this as a cue to launch into his life story as a dad of three kids. Phil had again cleared the kitchen for my return but I still faffed. In the afternoon, I posted ‘Flash Forage in Arnside on Cool Places 2ⁱ.

Receiving an honorary degree from Manchester University, Marcus Rashford again called for Universal Credit to not be cut. In a Refuge campaign launch outside Scotland Yard, Jo Brand and Helena Kennedy QC joined 16 silhouettes with the slogan #EnoughisEnough, representing women killed by serving cops. Less stocks over summer, infrastructure outages and reduced global supply led to gas prices rocketing 37%. Russia released more into the market but was accused of blackmail over the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. French minister Clement Beaune threatened to cut the UK off if fishing wasn’t allowed round jersey. The EU advised he cool it. The National Grid assured us lights would stay on over winter thanks to alternative supplies including European gas pipes and shipped natural gas brought. But Ofgem conceded it was a worrying time and the price hike would be passed onto consumers.

On QT, Rosie Jones said she heard nothing in Boris’ speech and on Newscast, money expert Martin Lewis said ‘do nothing’ about rising bills. I felt vindicated, having always thought it ludicrous that the onus was on consumers to shop around for the cheapest deals when all our power came from a few sources. And with only 8 days reserve supply in the UK, it highlighted the idiocy of the ‘just in time’ procurement model. They didn’t need ex-Tesco boss Dave Lewis, appointed as adviser, to resolve acute supply chain issues and suggest long-term changes, they could just ask me! Based in the Cabinet Office, he would also co-chair a new supply chain advisory board and industry taskforce.

Glad of no shopping to do on a sunny Friday, I waited in the street for Phil to come on an afternoon walk, spotting a mystery man working on a laptop in the community garden. We got pop and pies in town and went to the park to eat. I then waited for Phil to get off his phone. Earning 4 euros for his first ‘click job’ analysing tweets, he said it paid more than YouGov but less than everything else. We walked through the park, bemoaned the mowing of wildflower patches, headed up to farmland, and along the top of the old quarry where impromptu streams and nettles made the going tricky. Striding ahead, Phil came back to help me, getting stung again. Hot and sweaty, we went down to the shady wood, displaying a few signs of autumn but disappointingly no mushrooms. On reaching the druid stones, we considered a rest but reasoning we were almost home, continued down the scary rutted last bit of path. I collapsed on the sofa, feeling slightly out of breath which was meant to be good I believe.

A day after E-gates at Heathrow, Gatwick and Edinburgh airports failed again, more countries were removed from the red list (leaving just 7), advice against non-essential travel was lifted and the vaccinated didn’t need to quarantine. Green and amber lists would be abolished Monday. Change Please converted 2 London buses to offer a one-stop shop for the homeless. Former Northern Ireland Secretary James Brokenshire died.

Saturday much greyer, I rose on wobbly legs, worked on the laptop, put recycling out and hacked at excessive branches round our Christmas trees. The medium-sized one now yellower, it was unlikely to recover for the festive season. Phil sold another Leeds-based print from the café expo (the old bus station was now a hipster bar).

Sunday, I discovered ‘likes’ on Brexit Islandⁱⁱ were still climbing, and a cartoon I’d posted a few days ago had been shared. Followers now including lefties and anarchists as well as right-wing nutters, I shared a link to a review of Barnier’s book. My Secret Brexit Diary confirmed the EU’s strategy was to sit tight and do nothing until the UK government caved inⁱⁱⁱ.

As sunshine returned, we went to pootle in the favoured clough. Oak sprigs scattered the shrunken small islands. Tiny fish swam beneath layers of decaying leaves. Rotting mushrooms sprouted from deadwood. As we rested on a bench, a passing hiking group speculated on creation of the landscape. I confirmed it was once a millrace. Walking up to the stone bridge, a thoughtful man with child and dog stepped aside for us. We then climbed up to the lane, savouring sun and wind in our faces and kicking crunchy leaves in the gutter. Cutting the corner off via small steps, the same man ascended giving us chance to return the favour. The old chapel no longer advertised a ‘free school’ but a ‘to let’ sign for the hostel left us wondering how that worked? Town heaving as ever, we ducked through an arch. Phil pointed at an old schoolfriend’s shop: “I saw you coming.” ‘That’s my mates’ shop!’ The almost-closed market hosted nothing but ‘I saw you coming’ stalls. The man in the Thai van yelled to a fellow trader: “have you got any burritos left?” in a broad Yorkshire accent. There was nothing like authenticity! We went in the convenience store before going home. Phil went to the kitchen, sorted shopping and put the kettle on. I followed to find spills round the draining board, making me fraught. Calming over coffee and cake, I used a dark woodland picture to compose a haiga^iv. Fretting returning, I found it hard to sleep that night.

On the Marr, Stephen Fitzpatrick told us Ovo, one of the Big Six, made a nauseating £5bn profits last year. He said they’d hedged well to ensure winter lights wouldn’t go out but government must act to protect those on low incomes and ensure a long-term strategy for the next generation. Although the Liberty Steel Rotherham plant would re-open, the boss of British Steel was baffled by a lack of aid from Kwasi Kwarteng, when governments had stepped in elsewhere. Other gas-guzzling manufacturers warned of stoppages. Kwarteng told Marr he’d spoken to Rishi’s colleagues about help to be promptly contradicted by a Treasury official insisting no such discussions took place and intimating he ‘misspoke’. As Boris and family went to stay in Zak Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella, Labour called the situation ‘farcical in-fighting’. Bridget Phillipson said: “in the teeth of a crisis of its own making, the government has put its out-of-office on. The PM has gone on holiday, no one knows where the chancellor is and…the business secretary has entered the realms of fantasy.” Jenny Harries (CE of UK Health Security Agency) warned up to 60,000 flu fatalities were possible over winter, with death twice as likely if you got flu and covid at the same time. Criticising civil servants for still working from home, IDS asked where was their blitz spirit? It was pointed that WW2 bombings happened at night when not many people were in offices, the internet didn’t exist in the 1940’s and government sold off half of Whitehall leaving only 3 desks per 10 staff in some departments. Anti-vaxxers visited Jeremy Vine’s house to give his wife a writ while animal cruelty fans went to Chris Packham’s pad and set his gate alight. He vowed to not give up fighting.

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. Brexit Island on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BrexitIsland/

iii. Barnier’s book: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/25/my-secret-brexit-diary-by-michel-barnier-review-a-british-roasting

iv. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 80 – The Muppet Show

“I think in the short-term that will be a dead end…EU workers we speak to will not go to the UK for a short-term visa to help the UK out of the shit they created themselves” (Edwin Atema)

The Clown, The Bozo and The Bonzo

The week began sunny and bright, as did I. After chores and posting a haiga Monday, I realised I’d forgot coffee at the weekend. I found plenty of fruit and veg in the co-op, but no berries. The hipster cashier thought the shortages were random but I concluded seasonal British produce was less affected by the CO2 shortage. Maybe it would change people’s buying habits for the good. While editing holiday photos in the evening, Phil showed me how to create panoramas in Photoshop. Relatively easy, perhaps it was time to ditch the infuriating Microsoft ICE. I could hardly keep my eyes open at bedtime but it took a while to drop off and hot flushes woke me in the night.

The Bumbler went to America with newly-promoted Trussed-up Liz. He chaired a UN meeting on the COP26 agenda, and met Uncle Joe to discuss climate change, the pandemic and the Aukus submarine deal with Australia, which upset the French so much Liz’s counterpart Le Drian said the UK was run by Monty Python. The muppets, more like! As a sop to European critics, Joe announced double-vaccinated travellers could go to the US from November. Gordy Brown sent the government an Airfinity report saying it was a scandal 100 million vaccine doses would expire by December if not sent to poor countries. After the RCN rejected the 3% NHS pay offer, 4/5 Unison members and 9/10 GMB health & care workers did likewise. The government held emergency talks with suppliers and said there’d be no bail-out for small energy companies who went bust but state-backed loans for bigger ones to take on their customers. Martin Lewis warned consumers would have to choose between heating and eating. Denying a crisis, Kwasi Kwarteng assured us there was “no question of the lights going out.”

On a warm, hazy last day of summer, I took time out from housework and writing, firstly to marvel at how much I missed Grange, with its awesome seascape colours. Usually appreciating where we live on returning home, I guessed it was because it was our only trip to the seaside in over a year. Secondly, for a spell outdoors in the afternoon sun. Phil needed the shop in town. Hardly seeing a soul for days, I was struck by how busy it was. Feeling tired, we went to the park, sat on a bench, drank pop, watched rooks swank about on the football pitch and noted autumnal changes, then walked back along the canal where a heron surveyed for prey above the aqueduct (see below). After a siesta, I settled down with a coffee when the landline rang. Getting up to answer a robot, I suddenly remembered promising the Christmas cake recipe to Elderly Neighbour. Retrieving the old Word file, OneDrive said it couldn’t save changes and I spent ages re-editing before sending. According to local weather, September was warmer than June or August and the warmest since records began in 1659. Nevertheless, clouds descended in the early hours, obscuring the full harvest moon until the following night, auspiciously on the autumn equinox.

Jeff Bozo refused to commit Amazon paying more UK tax, telling The Bumbler it was government’s job to come up with appropriate frameworks. Boris met Bonzonaro separately. It would truly have been a muppet show if they’d all met together! After shaking Boris’ hand, the Brazilian health minister tested positive for covid. Did he share his boss’ anti-vax views? Kwarteng claimed he was focussed on helping the ‘fuel poor’ as he struck a deal with CF Industries to re-start CO2 production in Cheshire and Teesside. Richard Walker of Iceland said “a 3 week deal won’t save Christmas” while a festive tree shortage was foreseen because of Brexit. But Boris still insisted “Christmas is on” and stuck to the line of creating jobs rather than not cutting Universal Credit. Labour called the end of the £20 uplift, rising fuel costs and the National Insurance hike a ‘triple whammy’. Furlough also due to end, likely leading to more unemployment, there was no sign of Rishi Rich.

The Romper Room

Wednesday, Phil felt unwell but his cough eased with Covonia, so probably not covid. I started to feel ill after breakfast. The usual sinus lark likely caused by fighting fatigue since our trip, I fetched coffee and the laptop and stayed abed the rest of the week. Working on the journal, I drew curtains to block out the early autumn sun’s glare and tried hard to not be depressed at being stuck indoors. Phil characteristically continued working downstairs, not hearing a feint knock on the door, or me shouting him. He eventually answered for the woman from next-door-but-one to place 2 large bottles of milk on the doorstep. My worries about them fitting in our tiny fridge and what on earth we’d would do with it all, proved unfounded. Phil managed to wedge them in and they had a long sell-by date. I placed an Ocado order, unexpectedly getting a delivery slot for the following evening. Phil said it was a good job as if he went out, he might get attacked by people fearful of infection. “If it is covid, I blame the trains!” “How would we know if it was a mild case now we’re double-jabbed?” “You could get a covid test.” “I’ll think about it.” After dinner, I stayed up to watch Prime and got a sudden sharp twinge in my left foot when I went back upstairs. Strangely on the opposite side to the sprain, a massage helped slightly but the pain returned every time I turned over during the night.

Chris Witless said most infections were in the young, ½ of kids had had covid and the other ½ would catch it if not vaccinated. Oxford Vax hero Sarah Gilbert found it hard getting money to develop other vaccines including for MERS. The Good Law Project brought action against DOHSC for awarding £80 million ‘secret’ covid antibody test contracts to Abingdon Health and the ONS predicted £20.9 million of covid loan cash wouldn’t be repaid. In the continuing energy crisis, 7 unheard-of suppliers collapsed. No trade deal with the US anytime soon, Boris laughably lauded the ban on British beef and lamb being lifted. At the UN, Uncle Joe pledged doubling climate aid funding for poor countries to a total of $11.4 billion. China promised not to build more coal-powered plants. After blocking the M25 five times in a week, Insulate Britain carried on protesting, despite 270 arrests and a High Court injunction. Pret were opening 200 new coffee shops.

The PM stateside, PMQs pitted demoted deputy Rabid Raab against Angela Rayner. She asked: “how many days does a worker on minimum wage have to work to afford a night in a luxury hotel on Crete?” As he waffled, she told him: “ An extra 50 days. Even more if the sea was open.” She went onto to ask, in the same week they were cutting Universal Credit and energy bills rose, could he “guarantee no one will be pushed into fuel poverty this winter?” Raab retorted: “Let me remind her of her words: ‘working people don’t want a handout, they want opportunities’. We’re giving them that.” Rayner maintained the government’s failures paved the way for the crisis, which they were warned about and had a choice to make working people’s lives harder or easier. Would they cancel the UC cut?” Raab blathered about plans for the NHS and the economy, saying with vacancies and wages up, it was working. Kirsten Oswald, SNP, found his answers perplexing. predicted a ‘cost of living tsunami’ and declared: “you can’t level up by making people poorer.” A smug Raab accused her of scaremongering and referred to British armed forces helping the Scottish NHS. On Newsnight, Barry Gardiner said the government was “lurching from one crisis to another.”

Thursday morning, Phil coughed less while I felt worse. Putting the bed-changing off until after lunch, it proved a slow and knackering chore. After a rest, I got dressed for the Ocado delivery, which arrived early. I dumped bags on the stone floor and left sorting groceries until dinner. Bad idea – the fish-fingers partially defrosted. They still tasted okay though. I went back to bed early and Phil used some of the surplus milk to bring me a huge cup of hot chocolate.

1/3 of tenant evictions were due to the covid holiday ending. HGV driver shortages led to councils cancelling bin collections, BP rationing fuel and Esso closing some Tesco pumps. Food industry bodies wrote to implore Boris to ‘save Christmas’, experts called for Covid Recovery Visas for critical staff and the BOE warned of a 4% inflation rise. Still denying there were problems, small business minister Paul Scuzz-bag said “This isn’t a 1970’s thing.” Biden pledged another 5000 million doses of vaccines, still 5 billion short of what was needed. Failing to get a US trade deal, Trussed-up Liz headed to Mexico to try and join CPTPP. A friend disclosed she called Raab hanging onto Chevening ‘ridiculous’ while he got dressed up for his inauguration as Lord Chancellor. The La Palma eruption predicted to last 84 days, on the other side of the world, earthquakes and anti-lockdown protests hit Victoria.

On a live Question Time, Shiny turd Shats listed initiatives when quizzed on the Universal Credit cut. Richard Walker told him they weren’t working, the cut was coming at a time of food and energy inflation and there were more food banks than branches of McDonalds. Pointing out not everyone could work more hours to make up the shortfall and would also be hit by a National Insurance hike, Lib Dem Munira Wilson called the tories “cruel and callous.” Iceland staff to get Boxing Day off, I got a bit of a crush on possibly the nicest capitalist in the country (but it didn’t last long). Newscast showed a clip of Boris referencing Kermit the Frog. Preaching to the UN it was ‘easy going green’ and: “the world…is not some indestructible toy, some bouncy plastic romper room against which we can hurl ourselves to our heart’s content,” The Bumbler went onto ramble about Sophocles. Was he drunk? John McDonnell said Keir’s 11,000 word essay for the Fabian Society was like a “sermon on the mount written by focus groups.”

Captain Pugwash

Still working on the journal Friday, I rued combining 2 weeks’ worth. At least I managed to finalise holiday photos. The cough gone, Phil masked up to brave an unexpectedly well-stocked co-op for weekend essentials.

Drivers told not to panic as there was no fuel shortage, queues predictably formed at forecourts. Shats looked at options to solve the HGV crisis, including using the army even though they were already drafted to help NHS Scotland and Wales and hinted at a U-turn on ‘essential occupations’ as a short-term solution. An IT failure caused airport delays at e-gates across the UK. Paralympian-turned-Extinction Rebellion protestor James Brown went to jail for supergluing himself to a plane October 2019 and the government sought another High Court injunction as Insulate Britain blocked the Port of Dover. Californian fire-fighters tried to save General Sherman from the Windy Fire, raging for a week in the Sequoia National Forest.

Phil blamed the co-op trip for aches and pains Saturday morning. “Yeah but we’ve got steak!” I went down for breakfast, took coffee back to bed and posted two entries on Cool Placesⁱ. Awful music outside all afternoon sounded like Captain Pugwash on an endless loop. Neither earplugs nor the telly blocking it out, it almost drove me mad! The house a mess , I asked Phil to clean some of it. He manically zipped round the lounge and bathroom, became knackered and needed a rest before cooking the steak dinner.

Sunday starting super-bright, I battled with fatigue and foot pain – now in my instep. A few stretches and a bath helped enough to manage the day out of bed. Taking recycling out, Elderly Neighbour parked up. We discussed cake-baking and his pre-cancerous skin condition. He assured me the nasty-looking red patches on his face were caused by an aggressive chemo-therapy cream which would hopefully clear it by next month. “Fingers crossed for you!” Clouds returned late afternoon. Fearing rain, we changed plans to go to the nearby clough to do the rounds of charity shops. In the large one, we got them to unlock a camera cabinet, mulled over a couple of models, but bought nowt. The centre crowded, I hovered outside the sweet shop while a fat family bought ice-cream and nipped in for cough sweets. We then sat on a quieter riverside stretch. Seeing a flash of orange and blue, I exclaimed: “kingfishers!” Of course, they’d flown off by the time I got my camera out. On the way home, I exchanged cheery greetings with an erstwhile art teacher. No doubt preparing for another Open Studios weekend, it didn’t seem 5 minutes since the last one. Noticing the Christmas tree outside the house looked rather battered due to inconsiderate parking and sported yellow needles, Phil insisted we feed it despite impending rain. I edited kingfisher-free photos and composed a haigaⁱⁱ. Making a frugal roast dinner, Phil re-branded it Brexit Roast.

As expected, temp visas allowed 5,000 HGV drivers (and poultry workers) to come and work in the UK up to 24^th December. Suspension of competition laws let petrol stations share info and target deliveries, letters asked ex-drivers to return and more tests were promised. Drafting in troops still possible, Shats blamed the RHA for the crisis and Useless George blamed motorists panic-buying. But Rachel Reeves indicated the government had ignored warnings from hauliers of what was coming down the road ‘since last year’. Keir told Marr the ‘absolute crisis’ was caused by lack of government planning. Doubting if anyone’d come and work here post-Brexit, Edwin Atema of Dutch union FNV agreed, saying EU workers wouldn’t help us out of our own shit. Other countries also having problems, what was the wider strategy? At the labour party conference in Brighton, Keir was forced to modify plans to give MPs more say in leader elections. The NEC passed the diluted motion leaving Leftists furious. Referring to the tories at a reception for activists, Rayner spluttered: “we cannot get any worse than a bunch of scum, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, absolute vile…banana republic, vile, nasty, Etonian…piece of scum…” Quizzed on her choice of words, she said anger at The Bumbler’s history of derogatory comments, prompted the use of ‘street language’ common in working class Ashton. She later tweeted ‘I’d be happy to sit down with Boris. If he withdraws his comments and apologises I’m happy to apologise to him’.

The murder of young schoolteacher Sabina Nessa in Kidbrooke a week ago Friday, prompted a vigil, a book of condolence and three arrests over the weekend. The third ‘significant arrest’ Sunday saw Koci Selamaj later charged with the crime. Six months after the Sarah Everard tragedy, surveys showed almost all women remained fearful. On Politics North, deputy PCC Alison Lowe said it was ‘not okay’: “toxic masculinity pervades our schools, employment arenas (and) we need to be calling that out.”

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 73 – Web of Deceit

“The Prime Minister is the master of untruths and half-truths…it’s the person who’s not telling the truth rather than the person calling it out that ought to be on the hotspot” (Keir Starmer)

Lies and Gimmicks

Aches and pains made exercising difficult Monday morning. Phil also struggled with bad eyes. Now into a second week, internet issues made blog-posting slow. I utilised the fine weather before rain arrived, hanging out washing and applying a final coat of paint on the wooden planter, and joked with The Decorator about builders sitting around drinking tea all day. Afternoon rest disturbed by noisy kids at the start of the summer break, I tried sleeping early that night. I was just putting my book down when a mosquito buzzed round my head. No doubt trying to escape the downpour. Torrential in the south, flooding of Whipps Cross hospital’s cellar led to loss of power and a state of emergency. We were warned of heavier thunderstorms coming north.

New covid cases down for the sixth day in a row, it was the first time there’d been a drop without lockdown. Pundits speculated Boris’ gamble had paid off while Mike Tildesley of SPI-M put it down to school holidays. He predicted it’d be 2 weeks until Freedom Day impacted on hospital admissions yet Prof. Adam Finn said of 200 in Bristol hospitals, the average age was 40 with many under 30’s seriously ill. Simon Stevens joined others to write about pressure on the NHS. Other theories for less infections included the end of Euro 2020, warmer weather, viral evolution, increased immunity and ditching of the TIT app. Millions pinged to self-isolate, some called it ‘lockdown by stealth’. While train operators reduced services, Cabinet’s covid operations committee met to add 13 industries to the exemption list. 2,000 new testing sites were promised so workers could continue working; 500 within the week. Rules in Northern Ireland relaxed to allow 15 people to meet outdoors and close contact services. Ireland permitted indoor dining for those who’d had 2 jabs or covid within the last 6 months. It emerged that France became ‘amber plus’ due to a rise in the Beta variant in La Réunion thousands of miles away from the mainland. Rabid Raab defended the decision based on ease of travel from the island. As 160,000 demonstrated about restrictions, Mini Macron said they couldn’t wish the virus away. A 10 litre limit on buying take-away fuel meant to stop dinghies crossing the channel, had little effect. The Police Federation called Nasty Patel’s announcement of a pay freeze ‘the final straw’ and voted no confidence in her. Brazilians demanded the impeachment of Bolsonaro over his covid denial and corruption. Coronavirus was found in British horseshoe bats. RhGB01 possibly existed for millennia but was only discovered by specific testing. In support of Dawn Butler, Keir told the media Boris was a ‘master of untruths and half-truths’.

Delighted to find fruit and salad veg in the co-op on Tuesday, I returned home singing: “yes, we do have bananas, tomatoes and lettuces too!” Getting cleaned up, I saw a flashing orange light outside. I stood safely on the stairs as Phil answered the door. The BT engineer wanted to check all our equipment again, even though it was all replaced last Friday. We agreed as long as he put a mask on, but repeated the issue couldn’t be in the house and affected the whole area. He admitted he’d come from a nearby household but claimed it turned out to be a spider in the connection box. Obviously it was trying to get on the web!

He fiddled with wires, replaced the only remaining old part (a splitter for the phone and router wires) and took readings which confirmed the signal had been dropping since 14^th July. Saying he was going to check outside, Phil asked “what about the exchange?” “I’m going there now,” he replied, before going to sit in his white van. Our belief he was telling fibs and didn’t go at all was confirmed later in the week. I collected up spares and added them to a pile Bright Sparks engineers dumped in the recycling last Friday. Wiping all the touch points, I hovered to do the outside doorknob, considering it impolite with the engineer still sat there. “You think he’s got covid hands,” giggled Phil. “No, but it doesn’t do any harm.”

Several insect bites really started to itch. Not sure if they were from midges or the pesky mosquito, I used antihistamine and after-bite before trying to rest. Phil received a message early evening claiming the internet was fixed. Due to all the new kit, when it worked, it was super-fast, but alas, it still bombed every few minutes. What a web of lies!

Weekly infections down (20% in Yorkshire) but hospitalisations up 33% and the highest daily rise in deaths since March, medics warned the third wave wasn’t over. However, Prof. Ferguson said the worst of the pandemic would be gone by October. The US travel ban continued for the UK and Schengen countries. Kit Malthouse called it disappointing but not surprising. After face-licking in heaven last week, party-loving journo Benjamin Button came on Jeremey Vine to perversely say he’d wear a mask in shops and tubes. The IMF now expected UK output to grow 7%, mainly because it had fallen back so much. Unison and the BMA began consulting on the 3% NHS pay rise while the RCN planned summer demos for ‘fair pay’.

Boris unveiled the Beating Crime Plan which entailed permanent relaxation of stop & search conditions, response time league tables, named officers for communities and chain gangs of anti-social citizens in fluorescent jackets ‘visibly paying their debt to society’. On Newsnight the previous evening, Nick Thomas-Symonds dismissed the daft ideas as more gimmicks and slogans, saying the 20,000 promised new recruits only replaced coppers lost since 2010. He added that the Tories had decimated neighbourhood policing and swept away supporting apparatus such as youth clubs while voting against a bill to increase sentences for rapists which showed they weren’t ‘tough on crime or the causes of crime’ at all.

Mounds and Piles

An insect bite on my leg particularly itchy Wednesday, I took more antihistamine and applied cream and a plaster to stop me scratching it. It was 4 days until they stopped being troublesome. Phil started a live chat with Talk-Talk straight after breakfast and spent the day moving hither and thither fiddling with wires without telling me what was going on. He gave me a jolt more than once suddenly coming up behind as I got on with vacuuming. Fraught, I collapsed with coffee before computer work, succeeding in posting a blog on Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ and re-plugged the back-up drive into the router to copy files from the past fortnight. The afternoon siesta was interrupted by a teeming thunderstorm, music blaring from neighbours’ cars, screeching geese and screaming kids. At the end of the day, Talk-Talk suggested replacing the router again. “It’s 5 days old!“ I exclaimed. Phil sent them a 2,000 word précis of events so far.

2,848 new covid cases since start the of Shonkyo 2020, the city’s total was over 200,000. Avoiding the lame games shown from early morning, we watched Good Morning Britain (GMB). A minister claiming the pandemic ‘over bar the shouting’ and The Glove-Puppet calling the unvaccinated ‘selfish’, Therese Coffee-Cup spouted a pile of waffle. Evading questions on the end to the UC uplift, she prated about getting disabled people into jobs. Good luck with that, you vacuous waste of space! Ex-PM Turnbull said Australia’s vaccination programme was a ‘complete fail’, having only reached 16% of the population. Later in the week, Sydney entered another month of lockdown. 3,000 crossed the channel in July; a monthly record. RNLI boss Mark Dowie videoed crews being abused as they rescued drowning migrants. In one instance, a mob shouted ‘go back to France’. As Mr. Dowie called it ‘vital humanitarian work’, Nasty Nigel Farage said they provided a taxi service. The following day, donations and volunteer vacancy searches on the charity’s website soared. Yvette Coop subsequently revealed ‘shocking conditions’ at the Kent Intake Unit where new arrivals endured inhumane overcrowding and the risk of infection. Newmarket council voted ‘no confidence’ in the local MP aka The Cock. NHS England saw sense, appointing Amanda Pritchard as the new CE rather than Dildo or Jo Amazon. Sheffield Forgemasters was effectively nationalised when the MOD bought it. The Gwynedd slate landscape filled the gap left by Liverpool on the UNESCO world heritage list, causing concern over house prices, too many tourists and second-homers.

On a cold, grey, windy Thursday, I worked on my novel for the first time in three months until head fug set in. I contemplated doing art but uninspired, I hunted for loose change instead and counted £40 into bank bags. Phil again on to Talk-Talk all day, they unbelievably tried to charge him for the engineer visits. After lodging a complaint, the issue was escalated to the section manager at long last. I suggested Ofcom if it still didn’t get sorted but Phil said they were useless. “Threaten to set Watchdog on them. It’s worked for me before.” They eventually officially informed us the problem originated at the exchange. We’d been telling them that from the start! Saying it could be fixed Saturday, we didn’t hold our breath. Just as well, seeing as that was yet another lie to add to the pile. On asking why the process was so shit, Phil said every call was treated as a new case and he got caught up in a never-ending loop. What a stupid system! If a problem wasn’t solved first time In future, he vowed to go straight to complaints.

Cases and deaths up a second day running, 689,313 were pinged in the past week. 260 testing centres for ‘critical workers’ opened. After announcing that arrivals from the US and EU (except France) wouldn’t have to quarantine from 2^nd August as long as they were double-jabbed and took PCR tests, Rabid Raab came on GMB to call it a ‘smart and sensible’ move. Scotland and Wales followed suit, the latter ‘with regret’. International cruises also allowed, where on earth could they berth? While testing was required of arrivals, it wasn’t for ‘ping and release’. I agreed with Christina Pagel that it made no sense; the vaccinated could still infect others with variants. ONS reported 86% of 35-54 year olds and only 75% of 18-34 year olds, stuck to isolation rules. Yet while the daily number of first and second jabs had gone up for the first time in ages, the under 30’s remained reluctant. A Pop-up at Thorpe Park to jab the young seemed mad. What if they were sick on the coronacoaster? The first batch of vaccines promised to poorer countries dispatched, Raab predicted the whole world immunised by mid-2022. The WHO expected it would be the end of next year. Who to believe? Experts or a self-serving tory? Flooding deposited mounds of mud in Lake Como villages, leaving people homeless and Storm Evert landed in South West England. The government pledged £860m for flood defences. I’d said they’d cough up if London and the south was hit. According to Look North, our valley would get some of it. Newsnight reported on extreme weather across the globe. We were bemused by a climate change expert referring to ‘rain heavy storm rain’ and Allegra Stratton (now apparently Boris’ spokesperson on the issue), spouting a mound of guff on targets.

Storm Evert brought more rain our way Friday. Feeling depressed, I moped about before working on the journal and going to the co-op. Phil caught up at the till to help carry and unpack. Avoiding streaming issues,, we spent the evening watching Bladerunner 1 & 2 on DVD, appreciating the awesomeness anew. After drinking all the wine, we went to bed late and suffered the next day.

Infections continued to rise across the UK, except Scotland, but new cases fell. Uncle Joe announced payments of $100 to encourage more vaccinations, which could be mandatory for US government roles. Big companies following suit included Google, Facebook and Netflix. Rabid Raab thought it ‘a good idea’ for UK employers to do likewise but lawyers warned of a legal minefield and union GMB expressed concern mandatory jabs might become a substitute for covid-safe practices. A decision on whether students needed to be immunised before returning to campus wouldn’t be made until September. Leeds dairy Arla envisaged milk supply disruption over the summer if the HGV driver shortage wasn’t addressed. Derided as a pile of crap, Marble Arch Mound closed after 2 days. Westminster council obviously off their heads commissioning the ludicrous tourist attraction, it would have been better to recreate Tyburn Prison complete with gibbet and hold weekly lotteries to determine which lying politician to hang.

Steampunk Weekend

Taking it slow on Saturday, I pottered about and cooked, trying to ignore terrible music from outside and drunks staggering about in the early hours. I doubted the Steampunks here for the weekend would be so uncouth. The Internet predicably not fixed, Phil couldn’t even contact Talk-Talk. The evening’s old DVD selection comprised of another escapist double bill – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1 & 2.

In the house for days on end, we ventured out Sunday to have a gander at the shenanigans. I headed out first, via the knobbly veg stall, wandered around the rest of the market and loitered in the square. Taking surreptitious photos of elderly people in fancy dress proved hard as they were total posers who could spot a camera at 50 feet. When he arrived, Phil advised a more brazen approach. We bumped into a couple we’re friends with and compared observations on the internet palaver and Steampunks. She agreed some looked like Quality Street soldiers, others more Jane Austen than Victorian and what did Captain America have to do with it? Wondering why they came when there wasn’t anything specific to attract them (for instance films, of which there were several), Phil said it was like mods in the olden days – parading up and down to be seen. We escaped to the park for a touch of normality. I rested on a bench while Phil answered a call from Talk-Talk. They assured him there’d be no charge for the engineer visits and the problem at the exchange was ‘being worked on’. Strolling in the rather quiet park, butterflies and bees flitted among teasels and wildflowers, a small group chatted beside a Valley Pride banner and a few kids inhabited the skateboard park. None were brave enough to emulate Charlotte Worthington’s ground-breaking Olympic BMX tricks which were definitely more impressive than the sad horse event we’d caught a glimpse of. As riders galloped around, pedestrians wandered the course taking phone snaps. Truly Shonkyo!

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Cool Places 2: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 51 – Magic, Mayhem and Mystery

“Boris Johnson appears to have finally learned a lesson about the dangers of overpromising and underdelivering” (Devi Sridhar)

Magic Monday

Very achy at the start of the week, it was a struggle to get up. A typical Monday mired in nasty jobs was brightened somewhat when I took the rubbish out by sightings of the sun and several neighbours. Exchanging pleasantries with the woman next door, the elderly couple emerged for a stroll. We compared health notes. She’d unfortunately had another fall but celebrated her birthday with balloons and an opera singer performing outside. I’d heard nothing from my sickbed on the other side of the house. Phil later said he had. “She must have been good, it sounded like a recording.” “It’s a pity the rest of the terrace didn’t know. We could have stood on our doorsteps to enjoy the magic.” Enquiring if they’d had the jab, he had. She declared “no chance!” “Oh come on! If they wanted to put chips in us, they’d have done it decades ago. And anyway, Google can already track you.” Chuckling, he said: “I’ve told her, who’d want to track us?” “Good point!” I laughed

Forcing myself to rise again on Tuesday, Phil offered to take on the chores. But fed up with so much time in bed, I persevered with cleaning, writing and a trip to the co-op – not too stressful for once. Paying at the kiosk, my member’s card did a vanishing trick. An old acquaintance appeared just in time to indicate its location on the floor. Aching from the heavy load, I rested in the afternoon which helped my back but not my brain.

As deaths were down almost a quarter, a PHS study found ‘spectacular’ hospitalisation reductions of 94% after a dose of the Oxford/AZ vaccine, 85% for Pfizer and 75% in the over 80’s. Schools in Wales and Scotland re-started and Sturgeon announced the ‘stay at home order’ would end north of the border on 5^th April with a return to the system of levels.

The anticipated roadmap out of lockdown dominated English news. Following a Commons session, Boris gave a Monday evening press briefing. Calling the 4-step plan a ‘one way road to freedom’, but undertaken ‘with utmost care’ with 5 weeks between each step to assess the effect on 4 ‘safety tests’ (numbers vaccinated, effectiveness in reducing hospitalisation and death, rates of infection, and emergence of mutants strains). He promised no tiers or curfews but said regional lockdowns were an option to supress surges. Warning of ‘trade-offs’ with more deaths and hospital cases, he maintained there was no such thing as a ‘Covid-free Britain’ and we’d have to live with it like flu. I reflected on the lack of a flu season during the winter. That didn’t happen by magic. Had they learnt nothing from the reduction in touching and breathing on each other? Saying they’d be ‘lead by the data, not dates’, The Bumbler proceeded to reel off a list of dates for each step:

Step 1 – 8^th March – schools and colleges to open with twice-weekly testing and masks for secondary pupils. Students on practical university courses could return but the rest would stay on-line, to be reviewed at Easter. We could have a ‘coffee on a bench’ with 1 other person and 1 regular visitor would be allowed for care home residents.

29^th March – The ‘stay at home’ order ended but we should still keep local. We could meet as groups of 6 or as 2 households outdoors, including private gardens. Outdoor sport and playgroups could resume, capped at 15 participants. There was no mention of going to the office or using public transport.

Step 2 – 12^th April – non-essential shops, gyms and salons would re-open, pubs and restaurants could serve alcohol outdoors and self-catering domestic overnight stays were permitted, including camping. Outdoor venues like zoos and theme parks, indoor play areas, libraries and community centres could also open.

Step 3 – 17^th May – indoor mixing of 6 people or 2 households and up to 30 people outdoors, was permitted. All hospitality, cinemas, theatres, concert halls and sports venues could open, with half-capacity crowds. Adult sport and indoor classes were allowed. Hotels and B&Bs could open and foreign holidays may be possible.

Step 4 – 21^st June – all legal limits on social contact would be removed thus enabling greater indoor mixing, nightclubbing and larger events such as festivals. There was no mention of face coverings or social-distancing rules, although a review was planned.

There’d be pilots of larger crowds and consideration of a ‘Covid Status Certification’ for international travel, later muted to include access to pubs as well as planes. Foreign holiday bookings jumped 7-fold overnight. As The Bumbler confirmed Tuesday that the Glove-puppet would lead the review, he said he was optimistic but “nothing can be guaranteed.” Mike Tildesley warned: “There are certain areas (inner city, deprived)…where vaccine uptake is not high… if we do get these pockets of infection…we could have a more significant risk.”

4 scientists responded in The Guardian. Devi Sridhar said while Boris had finally learned a lesson on overpromising and underdelivering, there were still problems to overcome. She advocated a measles approach to public health, involving vaccines, mass testing and supported isolation. “The imminent risk now is the full return of schools on 8^th March leading to uncontrolled transmission.” Jennifer Dowd of Oxford University added opening schools with little mitigation in place was risky.

SPI-M’s Graham Medley maintained: “Balancing the amount of social contact with the speed of the vaccine roll-out will allow us to exit the epidemic with minimal damage from now on. This will not be the end of Covid-19, and there will be more twists in the tale. But the next few months will be a key step in learning how to live with it.” SPI-B’s Stephen Reicher intoned: “whether this roadmap will ensure an ‘irreversible’ lifting of restrictions is again found in the detail.” A sustainable long-term strategy always was ‘and is still’ lacking. He advocated other measures besides vaccinations including improved TIT, resources to self-isolate, common standards to make places ‘Covid safe’ and proper border controls.ⁱⁱ

Merry Mayhem

I awoke far too early on Wednesday, fatigued and slightly nasal. Phil also felt a bit ill. After a dose of Echinacea, I got going on life admin and writing. During my siesta, I succeeded in 10 minutes’ mindfulness, promptly expelled copious amounts of wind and felt much better all round. Had I expelled stress too? A much better night-time sleep confirmed the theory.

Keir Starmer was exacerbated by another PMQs ‘with no answers’. Quizzed on financial support, Boris called Kier a ‘rocking stool’, said his agenda was ‘paltry’ and advised he wait for next week’s budget. Ian Blackford wanted to know if there’d be another decade of tory austerity. Boris didn’t answer and deflected the question to rant about the SNP wanting to break up Britain.

Following a campaign by DJ Jo Wiley, some people with learning disabilities would be prioritised in the vaccine queue. It was up to GPs to identify them. Neil Ferguson idiotically predicted the ‘road map’ end-date might be sooner than 21^st June if the vaccine roll-out exceeded expectations. Van Dam disagreed: “I don’t want to blow it.” USA deaths reached 500,000 but their vaccine programme was progressing at last. Gwyneth Poltroon shared barmy treatments for long-Covid including ‘intuitive fasting’ and infrared saunas. Top NHS Prof. Stephen Powis diplomatically said her methods were “not really the solutions we’d recommend.” Latitude, Reading and Leeds summer festivals were going ahead. Would revellers need a jab passport? What about under 18’s who weren’t inoculated? It could be a merry mayhem of a Covid-fest!

Thursday was altogether much cheerier. We both felt much better and sun streamed through the windows. Phil helped clear cobwebs dangling from the bedroom ceiling. I spent the rest of the day drafting an article for Valley Life magazineⁱⁱⁱ, adding layers to the Photoshop collage, and going to the market. No queue at the fish van but a limited choice reminded me of Phil’s experience a couple of weeks ago when there was an absence of shellfish. The Fishmonger blamed the famine on Rick Stein telling everyone to eat it now it wasn’t getting to Europe. One of the veg stalls stocked fabled rhubarb from the magical triangle. The sticks fell out of my bag near the riverside steps. Stopping to re-pack, coffee-cuppers and whooping toddlers made me anxious. In spite of my efforts, they fell out again. A hipster behind me said “you need that.” “Indeed. Ever since it was featured on Sunday Brunch, I’ve been thinking: rhubarb!” Emerging from a late afternoon rest, Phil immediately shut the curtains against the dusk as the temperature plummeted.

The alert level down from 5 to 4, the NHS was at less risk of being overwhelmed. The Queen appeared on zoom and advised people to think of others, but didn’t say they were selfish for not having the jab, as the Daily Mail screamed in typical melodramatic style. Emergence of the SA variant in Ealing led to surge testing while Moderna’s tweaked vaccine could be available soon.

Teachers welcomed school catch-up funding to include summer schools, but wanted a longer-term strategy. Teacher assessments were confirmed in place of exams. With tests optional, some warned of inflated grades. Against a backdrop of rising unemployment, The TUC said it was twice as high among the BAME community compared to whites. Asda announced a ‘structural shift’ due to more internet shopping and less cash use, threatening 5,000 jobs, but 4,500 new online jobs were promised. Dodds said councils should be allowed to take over empty shops. Evil tech villain Musk’s skylink provided super-fast broadband in rural areas at an astronomical £89 per month. It sounded spookily like Skynet in The Terminator. Question Time sparked debate on jab passports. What was to stop businesses having their own? Shats tried to defend The Cock’s claim there was never a shortage of PPE, even though we all remembered the mayhem in over-stretched and under-resourced hospitals. Jo Grady called it blatantly misleading.

An almost-full bright moon mitigated against sleep. Even with use of the meditation soundtrack, my slumber was disjointed. Thus I rose later than planned on Friday and had to get a move on to be ready for the Ocado delivery. Unloading a pile of cans and bottles, the driver observed: “Not many people order Mateus.” “Did you know it was the very first rose wine? “Really? My mum used to drink it.” “She’s probably my age then!” Feeling old, I struggled to get the bags to the kitchen, even with Phil’s help carrying the heaviest. “He sounded like a right Rupert.” “I guess he’s had to redeploy with all the hipster bars shut.” Exhausted, I collapsed on the sofa.

Unfortunately, I still needed some stuff for the weekend. Hoping to find treats for Phil’s birthday in the co-op, I declined his offer to accompany me. “After all, grocery shops are virtually the only place I can get your presents.” “I don’t mind extra food.” “It’s a good job!” Searching for items, I saw notices on the egg shelf denoting continuation of the cardboard shortage. I asked my mate at the kiosk if could put the trolley-load through. He apologetically but understandably refused. Avoiding an altercation with the cowbag, cashier, I used the adjacent till.

A lorry at shed boy’s place blocked the steps so I trudged the longer way home. Alerted by the evening news to the appearance of a full Snow Moon, we paused film-night to take photos outside. Phil provided expert tips resulting in superior shots to any of my previous efforts.

Unions blasted the decision not to bump police and teachers up the vaccination priority list. Chair of the Police Federation John Apter said: “This is a very deep and damaging betrayal and will not be forgotten.” Was that a threat? Would there be mayhem on un-patrolled streets? Paul Whiteman, NAHT, whinged: “the government has let them (teachers) down at every turn.” Wei Shem Lin of JCV defended sticking to age criteria: “structuring an entire mass vaccination programme around occupations would be even more difficult.”

In an appeal brought by the Home Office, The Supreme Court ruled that ISIS child-bride Shamima Begum would pose a security risk if she was allowed into the country to appeal against having her British citizenship withdrawn. David Davis tweeted it was a ‘disappointing verdict…the UK cannot simply wash our hands of Brits in Syrian camps’. Quite. And why couldn’t they put measures in place to ensure she wasn’t a threat?

Due to a late night, I had a wobbly start on Saturday and stayed in to finish the collage. Phil went to the shop. He was gone so long I got worried and tried ringing but the call went straight to voicemail. When he rang back, I couldn’t pick up! By the time we spoke, he was almost home. He’d unfathomably gone to town instead of the co-op as I’d assumed, dodging coffee-cuppers and queuing in the convenience store. Due to the delay, dinner prep had to start as soon as we’d had lunch. To compound matters, he said he’d cook but I ended up doing most of it, including rhubarb crumble.

Mystery Unsolved

Sunday, I awoke early to blinding brightness then fell back to sleep until 10. On opening the curtains, the roofs looked white and shiny. Confused, it transpired I’d just missed an intense but brief hailstorm. Wanting to go for a walk in the sun, we bathed and breakfasted as quickly as possible. However, it was past 2 when we were ready. I took some recycling out and spotted a child’s ball in the gutter. Kicking it back to dad, he was surrounded by kids, even though he only had one (to my knowledge) thus not all from the same household.

Walking out in the spring-like warmth, we greeted a neighbour sitting in her back garden. Continuing my research into vaccine take-up, she didn’t know when her invite was due. As she was in our age group, I was able to tell her it would be soon.

On the towpath, Phil commented on the emergence of aging drinkers on benches. “They come out of hibernation around now, like the buds.” Very busy in the park, I observed. “Those native Americans knew a thing or two about the Snow Moon signalling the end of winter.” We climbed up to farmland, finding the fields largely devoid of livestock. We noticed ridges on the slope and a man-made water feature at the bottom for the first time. Subsequently consulting an old map, the site was marked ‘mill pond’ and a mill labelled nearby – a reminder that every opportunity was taken to exploit the landscape in more industrial times. Further up, a decrepit border collie lumbered past. A woman with her own dog asked was it ours. “We assumed it belonged to the farm.” “No, it doesn’t.” As another woman stopped her car, they made a phone call to locate the owner. They obviously all knew each other up there! Resting on a bench at the next corner, a veritable herd of old sheepdogs appeared, this time corralled by their owners. On the way down, we veered off cobbles to cut through the west side of the dark wood. Among the curious arrangements we’d seen in August, we noted several stones of a distinct blue hue with surfaces resembling bubbles. Was it brought here by druids from Wales? We also spotted a painted stone in the hollow of a tree base, deliberately planted holly and makeshift hutments. “Someone believes this place is mystical.” The path became tricky on the last stretch with squelchy mud and a strange channel barely big enough for one foot. Nearing home, skinny catkins sprouted from spindly branches above the river. Inordinately tired after the short walk, we agreed it had been lovely to see signs emerging of the turning of the seasons. (for a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’^iv).

During a mediocre night, Covid dreams featured tenements randomly populated by strangers and friends. I inexplicably took a pizza to Vegan Friend. She ate it before I realised it wasn’t vegan!

Over the weekend, the numbers receiving vaccinations reached 20m. Between them, the EU, UK, USA, Australia, Canada and Japan had 1bn extra doses. Over 100 poorer countries had none. PHE found 6 cases of the F1 Manaus variant; 3 each in Scotland and England, 1 of whom was a mystery – they’d failed to fully complete the form rendering them uncontactable.

In Yorkshire, a family was found camping on the edge of a cliff on The Cleveland Way. Lambasted by coastguards, the police were alerted to a breach of Coronavirus Laws.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Guardian article: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/feb/22/england-covid-roadmap-lockdown-experts-view

iii. Valley Life Magazine: http://valleylifemagazine.co.uk/

iv. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

industry