“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)
Bereaved Families
The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.
Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.
On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.
Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.
At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!
Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.
The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.
As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.
The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.
All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.
Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”
Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.
Boris in GTFC Bobble Hat
Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.
Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.
Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.
On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.
Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.
In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.
Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!
Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.
The NHS’ 75th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.
*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:
Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)
Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).
**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘
“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)
Haiga – Enigma
In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.
‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.
Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.
Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.
Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.
Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.
In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.
Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.
Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.
June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.
Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.
A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’i). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”
Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.
A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!
“As one consultant cardiologist said to me this is the biggest crime against humanity since the holocaust” (Andrew Bridgen)
What Happened on Dartmoor
Three years since the start of the pandemic, conspiracy theories of all kinds continued. In January, MP Andrew Bridgen had the tory whip withdrawn after comparing vaccination to the holocaust. Early June, he voted against Margaret Ferrier’s 30-day Commons suspension for breaking coronavirus rules September 2020. I wondered what took so long and what about Boris and Rishi who were fined for flouting the laws they wrote? In court, The Cock alleged anti-vaxxer Geza Tarjanyi shouted ‘ridiculous conspiracy theories’ and shoulder-barged him during protests on 19th and 24th January, while northern nutters Christine Grayson and Darren Reynolds were convicted of conspiracy (in the other sense of the word) to destroy 5G masts which they said were ‘enemy infrastructure’.
Elsewhere, Tesco struck a deal with Newfoundland, launched to distribute LFT’s, to stock tests for a range of health conditions such as vitamin deficiency, the menopause and bowel cancer. All free on the NHS alongside appropriate medical advice, it smacked of a money-making conspiracy.
On a personal note, I attended a Covid Diary Research Project workshop late February. A welcome opportunity to meet other participants and share experiences, the prospect of ‘doing a work’ for 3 hours was daunting. I took advantage of living close to the venue to arrive early and speak to The Researcher and associates who gave kind reassurance. Of other attendees, The Poet was the one familiar face but there was much common ground among the group.
We perused already-published books on life under lockdown. A mixed bag, we discussed what we’d like in something similar and brain-stormed themes emerging from the pandemic. Place, politics and shopping featured highly. I mentioned I still quarantined groceries. Someone sniggered: “The virus is airborne.” “I know but I can’t shake the habit!” Flagging, I accepted a cuppa in lieu of a break and stayed for lively discussion. The Researcher noted no one had yet mentioned conspiracies.
As evidence they persisted, I cited a free rag randomly picked up in the co-op. Entitled ‘The Light’, I expected amusing evangelical Christian garbage. It was actually covid conspiracy claptrap, linking vaccines to climate change. “Say what now?” That raised a laugh.
I then observed that the real conspiracy was global capitalism, to be reproached by someone else for also airing ‘conspiracy theory’. “It’s not theory, it’s fact,” I countered, “you only have to look at land ownership – every inch is private.” The Poet interjected that he walked wherever he liked. “Yes, because they let you, but they can take that right away any time. Just look what’s happened on Dartmoor.”*
The debate threatening to totally finish off my tired brain, I was bereft of further arguments. Much later, and with a clearer head, I realised I could have expanded further on historic working class battles over the right to roam and on Marxist theory explaining how the current state of the world was actually the (inevitable) highest stage of capitalism. Relating the exchange to Phil, he informed me Neil Oliver had orated on the age-old one-world government plot. I subsequently learnt Oliver loved doing lengthy monologues on GB news to espouse his ridiculous views. And to think I used to admire him as an intelligent historian!
* 13th January 2023, the right to wild camp on Dartmoor, the last place in England where it was allowed, disappeared overnight. Arguing the right never existed in the first place, hedge fund manager and Dartmoor’s sixth-largest landowner, Alexander Darwall, won a case against the national park. A disappointed CE Kevin Bishop and Right to Roam campaign founder, the excellently-named Guy Shrubsole, planned an appeal.
“This was a day for ambition…but…the Tory cupboard is as bare as the salad aisle in our supermarket. The lettuces may be out, but the turnips are in” (Keir Starmer)
Everything, Everywhere, All At Once
Haiga – Open Sesame i
ONS figures released at the start of Mach were as frosty as the weather. Wages no longer rising as fast, 2.52 million were on long-term sick. Unemployment still low, there were slightly less vacancies. The UK avoiding a ‘technical recession’ 2023 according to the OBR, there’d be 0.2% less growth. On budget day, Abba’s Money, Money, Money drowned out reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street before The C**t emerged. Taking credit for an expected drop in inflation, he began an interminable statement by echoing Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (the film that swept the Oscars), promising a pile of ‘E’s – enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. Not listing energy, he extended the price cap until June, pledged to bring pre-payment charges in line with direct debits, gave funds to leisure centres and local groups towards their bills, and froze fuel duty for 12 months. More tax on wine from August, a so-called ‘Brexit pubs guarantee’ meant less duty on draught beer, covering Northern Ireland, thanks to the Windsor Framework. ‘Brexit freedoms’ also allowed a ‘near-automatic sign-off’ of new medicines. More dosh for looked-after children, care leavers and potholes, a measly £10m was given to suicide prevention. Wraparound childcare wouldn’t kick in until after the next election. He announced a second round of city region transport funding and extra money for Levelling Up partnerships, investment zones to create 12 ‘Canary Wharfs’ in areas like Manchester and West Yorks, for which they’d need to bid. I doubted it would mollify Yorkshire grandees. Incensed at getting Levelling Up round 1 dosh but not in round 2 mid-February, they whinged the goalposts moved after they submitted bids they were encouraged to write.
Intent on making us all work, he was abolishing the work capability assessment. It would be voluntary for disabled people to find jobs with support for workers suffering mental health and back problems before they left employment. On the other hand, UC claimants with no health issues faced more coaching, more rigorous sanctions and an increased threshold of 18 hours a week. Not hearing anything about ESA, I later discovered an end to sickness top-ups if ineligible for PIP from 2026. Targeting the over 50’s, there were ‘3 steps’ to make working longer easier: enhanced DWP mid-life MOT’s; new apprenticeships (aka returnerships); and increased pension tax allowance with abolition of the lifetime limit.
As per Pat Vallance’s recommendations, a ‘quantum strategy’ involved an AI sandbox, an ‘exascale’* computer and a £1m annual Manchester prize. Worth a mere £2.5bn, did they know how much that tech stuff actually cost?
Nuclear magically classed as environmental, Great British Nuclear aimed to generate a quarter of our leccy by 2050. Pitifully underwhelmingly in light of the IPPC report on an increasingly warmer world, Guterres said there was just about time to reverse climate change if we did ‘everything, everywhere, all at once’.
In place of witty Reeves, Keir responded there was nothing to tackle crime, NHS waiting times or the housing crisis, leaving the UK the sick man of Europe, stuck in the waiting room with only a sticking plaster and more disguised tax hikes. Referencing turnips, he obviously hadn’t heard we didn’t grow them anymore!
Liberals pointed to inflated high energy and food costs and the OBR reckoned we still faced the biggest ever fall in living standards. Timed to coincide with The C**t’s missive, strikers marched through London to rally in Trafalgar Square. The biggest walkout so far entailed doctors, teachers, civil servants, London underground staff and BBC journos, affecting regional evening news. I turned over from Fatty Dimmock to ITV. Having interviewed The C**t, Robert Pessimist said there was no way the budget could be seen as a giveaway, except scrapping the pensions cap, benefitting the rich. Not much for the rest of us, impact analysis by The Resolution Foundation showed the poorest would be better off and middle and high earners worse off. How did they work that out? Later in the month, their research revealed the true cost of a widening productivity gap compared to other European countries and ‘unprecedented’ 15 years’ wage stagnation; if wages had grown the same as before the 2008 crash, workers would earn an extra £11,000 p.a.
Party Games
Haiga – Turning Point
At the start of March, Cock Covid Diary collaborator Isabel Oakeshott, leaked 100,000 WhatsApp messages to the Torygraph. Revelations suggested the then Health sec didn’t follow Chris Witless’ advice spring 2020. On the morning of 14th April, Witless advised testing everyone entering care homes. By evening, official guidance changed to cover only patients discharged from hospital. The Cock furious, a spokesman claimed messages were ‘doctored and stolen to create a false story’: with insufficient testing capacity, they had to prioritise. Accused of breaking NDA, Isabel insisted the leaks were in the public interest. Countering they weren’t, The Cock railed they formed part of her anti-lockdown agenda. She asked Newscast, “what even is that?” Had she forgotten the demos? She didn’t worry about never again being trusted as she was good at what she did –Yep, good at playing the game, getting men to tell her secrets and promoting herself! In messages published over the next few days, we learnt The Cock dithered over whether he’d broke rules snogging Gina Colander, and resisting lockdown up to a week before its imposition, Boris subsequently ranted militantly on social distancing July 2020, a month after the birthday party he was fined for. Also, The Salesman called teachers’ unions a ‘bunch of arses’ who hated work. Mary Bousted retorted he was ‘out of his depth’ during the pandemic.
At PMQs, Keir harped on energy bills and massive profits before referencing the leaks, asking Rishi to assure the house of no more covid enquiry delays. The PM responded with the usual: we should let them get on and do their job.
On March 3rd, The privileges committee partygate investigation preliminary report, concluded Boris misled parliament multiple times. The Bumbler retorted there was no proof. Calling the report damning, Keir caused a row by offering Sue Gray the job of labour chief of staff. Doing the Sunday morning rounds, Chris Heaton-Harris laughably called Boris ‘100%’ a man of integrity. On 21st,Boris’ partygate evidence was released, predictably alleging it was all his adviser’s fault. The next day, he faced the committee, with a new haircut. After a rare oath-taking, he told them he believed gatherings were essential, his statements to the commons were made in good faith, it was nonsense that he didn’t take proper advice and, after losing his shit, thanked them for a ‘useful’ discussion – to much guffawing. A good day to bury other news, Rishi’s long-promised tax details revealed he paid ½m 2022 and 1m since 2019. Keir paying £118,580 over 2 years, he was accused by toires of hypocrisy for benefitting from the pension tax break, which he’d vowed to ditch
The Ripple Effect
Haiga – BST
23rd March marked the 3rd anniversary of lockdown #1. No mention on main news channels, the ripples of coronavirus continued to be felt. Metro revealed a 134% increase in ‘ghost kids’ missing school and Look North reported on the emotional impact with more young kids needing pastoral support. Patients in the region still dying (49 the previous week), 1.5 million suffered from long-covid. Prof Dinesh Saralaya of Bradford Hospitals who took part in several vaccine and treatment trials, warned covid hadn’t gone away and Prof John Wright of The Bradford Institute of Health Research said it would be with us forever. Providing the analogy of the after-effects of an earthquake, he described layers of those affected by death, long covid and recession. On the plus side, they’d learnt a lot so were better prepared for future mutations or viruses. It was easy to forget how lethal and scary it was 3 years ago, but we should celebrate the sense of community and connectedness it engendered.
As the clocks changed for BST, NAO revealed £1.4 billion worth of PPE was incinerated and £21bn lost to fraud. As Lithuanians were convicted of grifting £10m from the covid loan scheme, government pointed out they’d set up the Public Sector Fraud Authority. But it was criticised for ineffectiveness across departments. Amid reported tension between The Treasury and DWP, Mel Stride announced a delay in raising the pension age to 68 – because of unpopularity before the next general election, a drop in life expectancy, or more elderly people leaving the labour market post-covid?
Margaret Ferrier MP faced 30 days’ suspension from the house for breaking lockdown rules in September 2020. She later launched an appeal.
A Canadian review of 137 global studies published in the BMJ, found minimal changes in mental health during the pandemic and ‘more resilience’ than assumed but raised concerns that women suffered more due to care responsibilities and domestic violence. The FBI chief decided covid originated in a Wuhan government-controlled lab after all. The US legislature later voted to declassify all documents on the analysis of coronavirus. As Covid Diary workshop participants observed, it all seemed really weird now. Maybe they should let it lie!
“The reputation of Parliament is possibly as low as it’s ever been and that reputation is very largely undeserved because the vast majority of members of the House of Commons are strongly committed to doing their job in accordance with high ethical standards. A big priority for me is supporting members who want to commit to those standards, being very clear in sanctioning those members who fall away from those standards and not allowing them to tarnish the reputations of the vast majority who are committed to standards.” (Daniel Greenberg)
On Newsnight 17th January, the new commissioner for standards said ‘standards’ a lot. Appointed October, it was the first I’d heard of Daniel Greenberg. Geza Tarjani videoed himself shouting ‘murderer!’ at The Cock on the tube at Westminster and was arrested for common assault. The register of member’s interests showed the tight-fisted Cock gave only £10m of his £320k I’m A Celeb earnings to charity. As the tight-fisted government announced help with household energy bills from April would only be for those on means-tested benefits, Rishi set out 5 promises: i halve inflation; ii. grow the economy (omitting details on how); iii. ensure the national debt fell; iv. reduce NHS waiting lists within 2 years; v. new laws to stop small boat crossings. He promised we could hold him to account on what were also our priorities (as claimed in a subsequent party political broadcast).
The last time I looked: i ministers claimed inflation was due to global forces like the war; ii. the economy shrank so the only way was up; iii. people cared about their own debt rather than the national debt; iv. shorter NHS waiting lists would still be longer than pre-covid times and IFS predicted they’d flatline during 2023; v. all efforts to stop dinghy crossings had failed so far – how would more tinkering help?
On the third anniversary of the EU deal, Keir said labour would turn ‘take back control’ from ‘a slogan to a solution’ by devolving more power from Westminster. Meanwhile, The C**t told Bloomberg’s Brexit would shake Britons out of their comfortable torpor, turn them into risktakers and put the UK at the forefront of the digital revolution. His plan for economic growth ‘necessitated, energized and made possible’ by alleged regulatory freedoms, focused on ‘four Es’: enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. He was clearly living in Neverwhere!
Insinuating companies had gone too soft to reap the benefits of Brexit, he was criticised by business groups for lack of detail. Chief IOD economist Kitty Ussher suggested a fifth ‘E’ for ‘empty’. Halving inflation more important than cutting taxes, he made no mention of public sector pay, which Paul Novak referred to as the ‘elephant in the room’: “Public servants will be deeply worried about the chancellor’s warnings of further restraint. We know that is usually code for cuts.”
Shrinking by 0.6%, the UK was the only G7 economy not to return to pre-pandemic levels. The IMF blamed dependency on expensive energy sources and lack of investment, but seeing the autumn statement as stabilising, thought prospects might improve during 2023. Despite Brexit leading to more red tape thus less trade and variety of goods and the few deals actually struck with non-European countries predicted to have only marginal impact, in the long-term, they didn’t reference it at all. Small producers hardest hit, farmers feared they wouldn’t survive.
A labour shortage of 330,000 and, no solution to the Northern Ireland protocol, Lord Frosty Gammon wasn’t surprised The Supreme Court ruled it lawful. Disappointingly not doing funny voices (like Justine Greening the previous week), on Newscast 9th February, Lord Frosty still maintained Brexit was great and referred to ‘born again Brexiteers’ within the tory party. As most constituencies regretted voting leave, apart from three in Lincolnshire, it was more evidence they resided in Neverwhere. Even gammons like Rod Stewart realised we’d been shafted (We Are Failing as the Daily Mirror’s front cover declared), citizens of Brexit-Upon-Avon whinged they were lied to. Tough shit, suckers!
A startled Michael Glove-Puppet on Laura Kuenssberg Sunday 5th February, spouted the usual tory rubbish, insisting the government honoured their commitments. The UK not yet honouring the Brexit deal, Michel Barnier begged to differ.
Also in tory Neverland, more sleaze emerged. Rich donor Richard Sharp denied brokering a loan for Bumbling Boris from Sam Blyth (a second cousin of Boris’ dad), around the time he became Chair of the BBC. Denying a conflict of interest, Sharp refused to resign. Commissioner for public appointments William Shawcross, later withdrew from reviewing the appointment process, as he met Sharp in a pub. Facing the DCMS select committee 7th Feb, Sharp insisted his role was more like a ‘sort of introduction agency’. The SNP’s John Nicholson found it ‘a bit banana republic’.
Answering news report, Nads Zahawi confirmed he settled a £4.8 million tax bill including a 30% penalty while he was chancellor. Dating back to its founding, his dad paid for YouGov, getting shares in return. Rabid Raab defended him for paying all his tax up-to-date but Caroline Nokes thought he should ‘step aside’ as party chair and nasty Jerk Berry referred to him as ‘a distraction’. Reeves railed: “…if the prime minister wants to stick by his commitment for integrity, honesty and professionalism, he should do the right thing and sack (him).” Quizzed on tax avoidance at PMQs Wednesday 25th January, Rishi insisted he was ‘very clear’, wasn’t PM when Nads paid HMRC, followed the appointments process for the minister without portfolio, and when new information came to light, instructed his new ethics adviser Laurie Magnus to investigate. New info since last week? Asked an incredulous Keir. Accused by Rishi of wanting it both ways (urging appointment of the adviser then objecting to them doing their job), Keir retorted, failure to sack Nads showed how hopelessly weak the PM was: “Is the job just too big for him?” Brutal!
Lord Evans subsequently criticised Nads for trying to close down the debate with legal threats, and not living up to The Nolan Principles, the standards which the public ‘rightly expected’ to be upheld. Quite! As a caller to Jeremy Vine observed, how dare they dodge taxes on their millions and then tell hard-working nurses they can’t budget? Nads’ case already unravelling, HMRC boss Jim Harra confirmed to the Public Accounts Committee that penalties weren’t imposed for ‘innocent errors’. Getting Magnus’ report on the 29th, Rishi sacked Nads for a ‘clear, serious breach of the ministerial code’. Offering no apology, Nads blamed the ‘conduct of the fourth estate’ i.e., newspapers. Another instance of Neverwhere!
“(Terrible events in The Channel are) another reminder that debates about asylum seekers are not about statistics, but precious human lives” (Justin Welby)
Winter of Strife
Haiga – Advent
1st December, I dreamt of an idyllic summer walk which turned weird when a museum building with a vaulted wooden portico bizarrely appeared atop remote hills. Stretching to take a photo, Phil fell and lay injured on the ground. Trying to shake the image, I heard Phil going out for an early shift and dozed off. After an Ocado delivery, I made an ‘animal advent’ album to post daily pics on Facebook. Oblivious to Phil leaving on a darkly grey Friday, I went to the co-op for a heavy load before Walking Friend called as arranged. Not keen on chocolate and no point taking them to work as they got tons this time of year, she eschewed Milk Tray but accepted a book I’d just read. Over lunch in the Mill Café, we discussed her efforts to stop smoking, my experience of HRT, the uselessness of SSRI’s and her recent walks. “Noah Dale in this cold weather?” “It was really mild.” “Mild my arse!” Perusing the flea market, a passing man asked a stallholder if she stocked regimental badges and proudly proclaimed he was in the royal protection guard. “Are we meant to be impressed? I wouldn’t mention the palace right now if I were him!” Finding a cigar box guitar in the large charity shop, I enlightened my friend on its provenance and wondered how I’d hide it from Phil. She’d nipped in the butchers when he rang, asking were we in the pub? Meant to meet us in The Square, he’d gone home. I managed to conceal the guitar and joined Phil viewing dusky light on trees in the gloaming. Phil complained it was hard dressing on a cold Saturday. I took the precaution of laying out my clothes before bathing. We tramped leafy paths past the geese into the Methodist church to browse the art fair. Photography Friend updated us on her impending move and bemoaned the terrible government. “String ‘em up!” “They’ll call you Bloody Mary.” “It wouldn’t be the first time!” Wearing a snowman-printed dress, Old Drawing Teacher agreed the market for cards and calendars was saturated. In the sanctuary, Phil had a go at the organ. Initially tentative, his keyboard skills re-emerged. “Don’t show off; they’ll have you in here on Sunday!” We strolled on the canal, admiring reflected yellow leaves and retro clothes (the nice boots were irksomely too small), and into the centre. Unknown crafters in the town hall touted over-priced jewellery. A rainbow emerged among feint sun and spitting rain on the way to the Art Studio. Buying cards from The Printer, Phil joined in the Scarborough big wheel debate. Apparently moved from the pier to Foreshore , I stood corrected! We chatted to Counsellor Friend about her charity badge and to another ex-teacher who remarked to Phil it was his turn to play shop. “Yes, but we can’t eat your wares!”
Roofs glistened wetly on a grey Sunday. I braved cold drizzle and a keen easterly for knobbly veg. Town quiet and seating wet, people huddled in doorways. On the way home, I popped into an Open Studio at the bottom of our street. As the posh printer painstakingly wrapped expensive art for a Guardian family, I grabbed a free postcard and made for the door when she glanced up. I admitted I was a nosey neighbour. I found Dunlop wellies (annoyingly also the wrong size) and shoe brushes in the recycling bins. Phil observed nobody polished shoes anymore. Maybe, but as there nothing wrong with them and recyclers wouldn’t take them, why not give them to charity? He left for the late shift. I wrote a haiga for the first time since Julyi and watched England beat Senegal in the World Cup. Flying home when his house was raided by armed robbers, Rahim Sterling missed the matched but got back in time for the quarter-final. Roasting veg for dinner, I invented a pumpkin-cutting hack but still got back ache. Plagued by heartburn and a whirring mind, I needed the meditation tape to get any sleep and felt awful on a chilly Monday. I forced myself up for warming porridge and re-read the HRT leaflet. Indigestion a possible side-effect, I suspended use until I’d spoken to a medic. Noon by the time I got round to it, I was miraculously first in the surgery queue but there were no appointments, not even phone slots so I was told to ring the chemist. On doing so, they were on an hour-long lunch. The second call dropped. When I eventually got through, the chemist reckoned I needed a different type of HRT for which I had to speak to a doctor. So I’d gone round in circles and would need to ring first thing! Phil empathised with my anxiety. He’d soon be doing likewise with is bothersome neck lump. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I never talk about that stuff.” “True.” To be honest, there’d been clues but on the other hand, when I asked how he was, he lied he was fine. He went to work. Fuggy in the head, I dismantled the freezer carton and manoeuvred it outside. The Widower came past dog-walking. I asked after his health and if he liked Milk Tray. “I’ve gone off chocolate.” “Oh.” “I know a couple of people who might.” Phew! Angry at chainsaws waking me at 7.30 Tuesday I remembered to ring the surgery, attributing tetchiness to hormone withdrawal. The sympathetic receptionist arranged a GP call-back. Attempting to contact BG, the chat bot repeatedly bombed, then I was on indeterminate hold and then another call came in, so I had to drop it (later going round in more circles to find a web complaint form). The GP asked if patches alleviated menopausal symptoms. I observed diminished hot flushes and itchiness, better sleep and, according to my partner, less moodiness, although I hadn’t noticed. Phil thought that was hilarious but it was true! The GP advised I stick to the patches and prescribed antacid. Both depressed, Phil whinged he couldn’t use his brain. “Don’t then.” “I can’t stop.” “Do meditation.” “Ohm!” “Do you want to go somewhere?” “Where?” We unexcitingly went to the co-op. Tills unstaffed, we waited at the kiosk where the woman in front dropped a visa card. With his new shop skills, Phil picked it up before I ran the trolley over it. Again not hearing Phil go to work in the frosty dark Wednesday, I worked on the journal and went out as the dazzling sun reached its zenith just above the treeline. Getting the script, it later twigged they were free as I was 60 and consulted the Age UK website to discover eye tests were too (nothing else till pension age, at least it was something). I browsed extensively for gifts. No £10 offers in the Fair Trade shop as advertised in Valley Life, many items weren’t even priced. I trudged home, took antacid, burped, then the heartburn eased off. Phil returned, fatigued but jolly. ‘No girls’, he’d larked with Male Co-worker. “I don’t know!” “Well, the ladies like to tell us what to do.” “They do sound a bit bossy.” Shivering, we lasted a remarkably long time before turning the boiler on and agreed advice to heat one room wouldn’t work with the humidity. An aptly-named Cold Moon rose at bedtime.
Man On Organ
Record-high waits for and in ambulances could explain 700 excess deaths. 13,000 stuck in hospital with nowhere to go, 13% who used medical equipment at home, cut back to save money. On BBC Breakfast Saturday, covid commemoration commission leader Nicky Morgan, said the consultation closed Monday. Only just hearing of it and not topping a google search, it took some finding.
The Cock’s diary, serialised in the Daily Mail, blamed infected staff and bad managers for covid in care homes rather than his discharging policy. National Care Association’s Nada Ahmed called him deluded and his constituency party declared him unfit to represent them meaning he’d be gone by the general election. The Times revealed China got £3m a month to store unusable PPE. Michelle Mone was accused of bullying cabinet office staff into awarding contracts to PPE Medpro, for her own financial advantage. Director hubby Doug Barrowman put £29m in a secret offshore trust fund for Mone and sprogs. As she took leave of absence from the House of Lords, Rayner demanded contract documents be released: “What have you got to hide?” DHSC subsequently sued Medpro for the full £122 million. After Chris Matheson leaving triggered a by-election, Sam Dixon kept Chester for labour with a bigger majority. Swellen’s reappointment setting a ‘dangerous precedent’, PAC chair Will Wragg said a ‘robust’ system for upholding standards “with proper sanctions for those who break the rules” was needed. Kingy donated dosh via the Felix Project for food bank refrigeration. At a Buck House charity reception, doddery lady-in-waiting and Wills’ godmother Lady Susan Hussey, moved Sistah Space founder Ngozi Fulani’s hair to read her name-badge and interrogate her on her origins. Hussey later stepping down and apologising, the issue of racism in the royal household resurfaced. Wills and Kate In the US for the Earthshot prize, said racism had no place in society but as Megxit’s Netflix trailer dropped, they were booed at baseball. QT in Aberystwyth, MS Vaughan Gethin said it was like saying you’re not one of us, Welsh sec David TC Davies agreed it was wrong and Shavanna Taj of the Welsh TUC lauded the Welsh anti-racism plan. But GB News’ Olivia Utley advocated giving the old biddy some slack – cancel culture gone mad!
Inflation fell slightly to 10.7%. Had it peaked? Branded goods up 12-13% but budget ranges 18%, the differential was noticeable. Farmers unfairly burdened by labour shortages, fertiliser and energy costs, NFU’s Minette Batters warned of sleep-walking into a food supply crisis. Hinting at more seasonal work visas, Therese Coffee-Cup cryptically didn’t want the UK to rely on non-EU workers.
Rejecting the measly 2% pay offer, 86% of PCS members in 124 government departments voted to strike. 1,000 Border Farce staff at 6 airports and the Port of Newhaven would strike 23rd-31st December. The Home Office insisted they had ‘robust systems’ in place to minimise disruption i.e., Oliver Dowdy heading a ‘winter of discontent’ Staff skipping eating and heating having no choice, Mark Serwotka slammed plans to draft squaddies in. The RDG offered 8% over 2 years and no redundancies until 2024. Meeting none of their criteria, RMT rejected it and announced more strike days. Interspersed by a reduced service ‘til 9th January, the National Rail website showed none on our line all week but a train appeared on Look North outside The Refreshment Rooms. Highways Agency and Heathrow action overlapping with rail, Swellen admitted to ‘undeniable disruption’. In co-ordinated action by Unison, GMB and Unite, ambulance workers were striking 21st & 28th December. Elsewhere, Unite members walked out from EMR for 2 days, and would again 23rd-24th Dec. Workers out every day up to Christmas, Pat Cullen agreed the strike was a tragedy but was appalled at Nads Zahawi’s ‘new low’ of saying nurses played into Vlad’s hands. Wes Streeting invited tories to steal his NHS workforce plan. Having rejected a pay offer last month, FBU marched on parliament and were balloted. Not strikes but felled power cables, caused major disruption to Avanti West Coast mainline. Rishi Rich not ruling out banning emergency worker strikes at PMQs, Keir quoted Mark Harper who said his ‘flagship legislation’ wouldn’t help current disputes, so he should stop grand-standing and sort it out. Cabinet neglected to discuss the winter of strife in favour of crime and the online safety bill. To appease backbenchers, ministers diluted house-building targets and relaxed onshore wind farm rules.
A man was arrested for chucking an egg at Kingy in Luton. As Just Stop Oil slow-marched down Old Kent Road, 2 activists were convicted of gluing themselves to The Haywain. Whitehaven coalmine approved to make coke for the steel industry, the mayor welcomed the investment and new jobs but Alook Sharma called it a backward step. Ofgem found water companies underspent on sewer upgrades and a day after the lifting of the Yorks hosepipe ban, gas mains flooded by water mains, left 2,000 properties in Stannington suburb without power. Declaring a state of emergency, Sheffield Council wanted to know why and what could be done to stop it happening again. On Politics North later in the month, Yorkshire Water CEO Nicola Shaw didn’t know what caused a fixture to move and make a hole in the water main laid in 1976 and insisted massive profits went to infrastructure not share dividends. Nobody explained how water got into the gas supply or lampposts. The UN asked nations to up emergency aid contribution by 25%, to a total £424bn. Greek MEP Eva Kaili was exposed for accepting bungs to promote the Qatari World Cup. The Trump organisation was found guilty of tax fraud and Musk’s Neuralink was accused of needlessly killing 1,500 animals in rushed tests. The arrest of 25 nutters foiled a German coup. Conspiracy-theorist Heinrich XIII recruited and trained members of Reichsbürger (Citizens of the Reich) and discussed a new world order with Russian officials. The Stranglers drummer Jet Black died. Well, at 84, he was the oldest punk rocker in town. Alternative Christmas ad The GoKart by Sam Teale from Cleckheaton, with the message ‘Christmas is made, not bought,’ got 7 million viewers globally. Andy Bunman organised a DJ battle for Manchester charity A Bed For The Night. Rayner chose 3 tracks, including Oldham’s very own N-Trance anthem. Angela Raver!
Dark Skies
Haiga – Sub-Zero
An NHS letter stupidly advised we got covid boosters – as if we hadn’t tried! No local walk-ins, I booked a pharmacy down the trainline for Thursday, set the alarm to be there in time and rose to a sparkly thick frost. Hitherto failing to speak to a doctor, Phil followed my lead, ringing at 8 and saying it was urgent. 39th in the queue, he hung on to secure a call-back. Amid a yellow ice warning, I checked trains, calculated timings, harassed Phil to get a move on, and gingerly descended to the main road. Waiting to buy tickets at the station, we found the train cancelled due to frozen points. So much for checking beforehand! I googled the pharmacy’s number to say we’d be late and Phil wandered off for a fag when the GP rang and said she’d refer him to hospital. We browsed displays in the cosy waiting room to warm up until the train arrived. Phil remarked on the 2 different models stuck together . “No-one will notice but you.” As the announcements had an echo, he intoned: “That’s what you get for mixing them up!” After a short ride and brief walk, we arrived at the pharmacy and hovered at the counter until a woman bade us to “Take a seat on the seats!” Two men joined us as we waited for The Vaccinator, behind schedule. In the tiny cubby hole, he jotted down details and, promising similar side-effects to Moderna, prepped a Pfizer vial. “Not the fancy new bivalent?” “It is bivalent.” “Good!” After a quick, sharp needle pain, Phil was next. His rucksack a tripping hazard, a pile of coins strew the floor as I picked it up. Waiting Man 1 offered to help. I said I was fine, then went dizzy. Buying some essentials at £1 each, I commented it was like Poundland but better, cos not everything in there was a pound! Returning to the station, we took photos of hoary shrubs and entered the Refreshment Rooms. Attractively adorned with posters, artefacts and curious, a friendly server offered a sadly limited menu. We plumped for coffee which was very good and rolls which weren’t. Made of cold bread and raw-looking meat, they’d been pinged not fried. Lunch inadequate, we pondered going into the town but as a train came, we jumped on. “This might be a mistake; staying out could save on heating.” “Do you want to go back in the waiting room?” “Don’t be daft!” Unhurriedly ambling home, park grass mimicked rimed seaweed. Frost covered felled foliage. A random orange was stuck in the lock. Higher ground strangely stayed green and leafy. Both suffering mild side-effects (nostril niggles and sore arms), we edited photos. Phil’s AI composed cute snowy pics. “You’ve given up serious art then!”
Still sore, I exercised carefully Friday, gave up on an unusable ipad (repeatedly indicating a dead battery even on charge and after Phil tampered), applied a patch, and belched. We spent the morning expunging bathroom mould. As the sun dipped below the treeline before noon, the kitchen (aka South Pole), was nithering. Phil went to work, I went to antiques shops, for a nice chat about Hull and gifts. Slightly above budget, I was pleased with my finds. Trudging to the main road in the near-dark, queuing bus passengers laughed at a man randomly shouting. Nobody knew what he was on about! Saturday, weak sun peaked beneath an ominous cloud bank. A dusting of snow turned the world white. Disgruntled crows perched on poles. Feeling Christmassy, I hummed the seasonal tune. The tea was cold when a tired Phil emerged. As I’d forgot the warming cloth, I pinged him a cup. “Thank you.” “The things you do for love!” Seeing a Northern Fail video of Chester on Insta, Phil was keen to visit the magical Christmas-land. Confirming strikes meant no trains running on our line Tues-Sat the following week, Phil laughed: “Get back to work!” Too bitter to go walking, I went hunting. Warmer outside than in, snow-melt drizzle created damp air. The words ‘free’ and ‘cake’ on the hoarding outside a maker’s fair were sadly unconnected. Thinking a matching bracelet would be nice, the jeweller responsible for my birthday gifts, offered to make one for me. Rather flimsy and barely wearing the jewels I had, I consulted with Phil but wasn’t fussed. The man road heaving, I muttered impatiently behind a dawdling man. He glanced back and stepped aside: “Sorry, am I in your way?” Oops! At the Baptist Chapel Christmas fair, I rummaged through a DVD pile, admired an adorable knitted nativity and discussed crochet with a volunteer. A neighbour I knew from drawing class appeared in a pinny. I suppressed surprise that she belonged to the ‘have you got a bag, dear?’ mob, to exchange pleasantries. She made kind reference to my Valley Life articles. Icy rain reverting to snow, I headed home and saw The Student, back for the hols. Her gran visiting, she kept her distance to briefly debate the crap state of affairs and her dissertation on German gay men. “I won’t make a joke, it won’t be woke!” Phi had unearthed an unused wallet (which I bought him years ago) and took stuff out of his old battered one. Loyalty cards dated 2017, it needed a clear-out! We timed dinner round footie. After Harry Kane missed a second penalty, France beat England 2-1. Well, if he’d scored, it would only have prolonged the agony.
Sunday, a weak sun rendered the scrappy snow pretty. Quentin Blake’s Clown inspired me to modify his angel for the Christmas tree. Saved on computer for yonks, I printed one to embellish. On a cloudy night, snow reflected artificial light. With the brightness, thudding heart and whirring mind, I struggled to sleep without the meditation tape. Monday, I needed a beanie hat and 2 pairs of socks to go to the South Pole – a balmy 2 degrees! Phil swore at a letter advising he do nothing unless he’d not heard by 2nd Feb. “It’s just confirmation of the referral.” “I’m worried.” “I know but try not to.” I gave him a big hug and distracted him with seagulls unusually wheeling over roofs rather than water. Taking rubbish out, I heard a strange noise when I went back in. Failing to close the lid, the kettle hadn’t turned off. It was my turn to cuss. We definitely had condensation now! He cleaned it up and fed me Milk Tray. They’d gone posher since my day – salted caramel no less! Well wrapped up and wary of black ice (not too bad on the street below but as a neighbour agreed, lethal on the small steps), I went to the co-op. Seeing Historian Neighbour, I asked how she was coping with the cold. “I’ve never known cold like it.” “Do you like Milk Tray?” “I prefer dark.” The Store Manager rang to say the heating had totally packed in and to ‘wear anything’. Phil dressed as Michelin Man. “How about a ballerina or a fairy princess?” “That’s what they’d expect from me.” “Cripes! They must be very un-PC if you’re ‘woke’ by their standards!” Throwing seeds to the birds from the doorstep, I almost hit Neighbour-From-The-Street-Below. “Soz. I can’t be arsed putting clobber on just to do this.” Phil guffawed at my cracked hands. “Call that cracked!” “Poor you. Have you still got hand cream?” “Yes, I’m using tons.” I reverted to the extra-strong stuff for some improvement. Tuesday, I limited noise while Phil slept in before a day of rest. Hearing a rap on the door, I hurried down to find a jolly man with a parcel for Phil. The box shape a giveaway (hint: no need to scour shops for ankle boots), he’d expected it to come in the usual nondescript packaging. I pretended I didn’t see it. After an unprecedented unbroken 8 hours, I started Wednesday dozy. Almost in tears with tummy pain, I declined to divulge details. Phil helped bring firtrees in and find elusive beans in the co-op with his news skills. I used member’s points for a cheap shop. Anticipating another 8 hours, I settled down earlier but had a crap night. Trying various distraction techniques, images of snowy roads were only fleetingly calming.
Stuck Orange
7.2 million waiting for operations, Phil said; “No wonder there’s a labour shortage. “It’s one reasons.” Research found Capivasertib could shrink breast tumours by blocking the cancer-driving molecule AKT, while Moderna and Merck’s cancer vaccine using mRNA tech, could mean 44% less fatalities. 15 kids dead from Strep A, home testing kits sold out and government gainsaid chemists’ claims of antibiotic shortages. 40 confirmed diphtheria cases, Hussein Haseeb Ahmed’s family discovered he died via social media.
Most QT panellists agreeing we were in Broken Britain, Guy Opperman disingenuously claimed tories supported public workers but money was tight. Isobel Oakeshot (who co-wrote The Cock’s Covid Diaries) railed at shocking public services at a time of historically high taxes. Nurses leaving or converting to costlier agency staff, Lucy Powell said not paying more was a false economy. She also observed the Whitehaven coalmine contained the wrong sort of coal and the steel industry could switch to electric arc furnaces. Isobel thought it un-green to import Russian coal and mad to import US shale. 40 backbenchers wrote Rishi he should cut taxes, scrap wasteful inclusion projects and spend more on front-line services. Owing HMRC £1m and the bank £700k, Tory MP Adam Afriyie went bankrupt but wouldn’t quit until a general election. 5 new allegations against Rabid Raab from when he was justice sec, made a total of 8. ONS stats showed the economy shrank 0.3% across all sectors. The C**t denied Brexit or the tories were to blame. IFS disagreed and Reeves said ‘managed decline’ was a choice. Almost going bust during the pandemic, Monsoon sales rose 42% and they announced 22 new shops. Less vacancies in the private sector, wage growth was 6.9% and 2.7% in the public sector. The gap at a new high but both still way below inflation, the TUC reckoned real-terms pay was cut by 3%. IT geek Jason Baldry put a map on warmspaces.org. ukii.
A decade-high 417,000 working days were lost to strikes. Royal Mail workers out again, Christmas posting dates were brought forward a week and Environment Agency staff began working to rule. Mick Lynch accused ministers of sabotaging a deal over driver-operated trains. Teacher’s pay ‘held down for a decade’, the TUC’s Kate Bell said walkouts were likely. Ed sec Gill Keegan helpfully retorted they’d resist all pay demands. Cobra meeting regularly, On Laura K., Uncleverly insisted it wasn’t for the government to negotiate, thus health strikes would proceed. He wasn’t quizzed on a lack of qualified army drivers to staff ambulances, nor on ex chief Lord Dannatt saying squaddies might think: “I joined up to be a soldier, not a strike-breaker.”
The Trondheim Troll brought an arctic blast, wintry showers and sub-zero temperatures. Amid low winds and high energy demand, households could be asked to limit usage Fridays and Saturdays. 4 kids died after falling through ice on Babbs Mill Lake, Solihull, London launched an emergency protocol for rough sleepers, freezing river foam created ice pancakes in Linn Park, Glasgow and on The Tyne at Hexham and traffic got stuck in snow on the M25 and in a herd of cows on the M62. Who needed Just stop Oil! Policing their protests cost 37.5m Oct-Dec.
Only 96 arrests for illegal entry to the UK under the Nationality and Borders Act since June, Rishi revealed a 5-point plan to clear the asylum claim backlog: a new 700-staff unit to monitor small boat crossings; stop using hotels and house asylum seekers in disused holiday parks, military sites and student halls; double the number of asylum caseworkers to assess claims; Border Farce staff at Tirana airport; redefine modern slavery to ‘make it unambiguously clear that if you enter the UK illegally, you should not be able to remain here.’ Keir dismissed his plans as ‘unworkable gimmicks’ and refugee charities as ‘cruel’ and ‘ineffective’. A dinghy capsized off the coast of Dungeness at 3.00 a.m., triggering a major incident. In a joint UK-French rescue, 43 migrants were saved but at least 4 perished in freezing water. 19 year old Ibrahima Bar was later arrested for people-trafficking. Swellen told MPs this type of tragedy was why they worked so hard to destroy the people-trafficking business model. Justin Welby tweeted that asylum seeker debates were about human lives. Tim Naor Hilton of Refugee Action, said the tragedy was predictable and inevitable, and more would die trying to reach safety if the government didn’t create more safe routes. Quite!
At the last PMQs of 2022, after offering disingenuous condolences to those who drowned in the channel and saying cancelling Avanti’s contract was subject to review, Rishi was asked why he wouldn’t intervene to avert nurse strikes. He told Keir they got a pay rise when others didn’t, plus bursaries. Keir called playing games with people’s health a badge of shame and recommended he scrap non-doms to fund the NHS. Insisting he already invested billions to clear the backlog through new diagnostic centres and surgical hubs, Rishi accused Keir of ignoring the impact of covid. SNP Westminster leader Stephen Flynn, not as funny as Ian Blackford, asked when he’d see the error of his ways and take the Scottish government lead to negotiate a settlement. Unable to turn heating on, people were scared stiff. Rishi used this as a cue to bang on about supporting household energy bills, upcoming extra cost of living payments and caring for the most vulnerable.
After a sharp drop in the value of Tesla shares, Musk was overtaken by Bernard Arnault of luxury brand LVMH as the richest man in the world. Twitter dissolved the trust and safety council – so no moderation of hate speech! As France beat Morocco in the World Cup semi-final, there was rioting in Montpelier and a boy died after being ‘violently hit’ by a car. the last Dambuster 101 year-old Johnson, died.
Do Not Travel
Haiga – Hope
Thursday 15th, hilltops glowed in sunshine and the bathroom window frozen shut. Reaching up to try opening it, a bath tap knob flew off and fell behind a storage cube. No sign of it, I retrieved errant cotton buds when a container toppled off, spilling toiletries on the floor. Angry and upset, I cleared them up but gave up purging ice, donned the bear coat and went to the market. Quiet in the cold, I got a 9-pack loo roll for first time in months and rare Cornish sardines. Even the liver healthy and tasty, Phil declared it a treat. “They’re cheap so they shouldn’t be a treat. Maybe it’s a benefit of Brexit at last, not sending them to Spain.” In The Store, I offered to help Phil direct a doddery old man but he said it wasn’t my job and buzzed Male Co-worker as I eschewed extortionate squirty cream and selected a couple of items for Phil to buy with his staff discount. In the Rival Store, I chose sweet gifts, but quadruple the expected price, dumped them at the counter and went to the Sweet Shop instead. Later complaining about my awful morning, and ice on the inside of windows even with the heating on as much as we dared, Phil was also worried by scary energy costs. Shifts updated, he’d work early NY Day. Actually more inconvenient than working Christmas Day, at least he’d be home by 1. Depressed and lacking energy, I abandoned the journal and stuck extra sparkles to the Quentin Blake angel.
Phil managed to both slam the front door and leave it unlocked Friday. Subsequently roused by interminable chainsaws, I rose grumpily and hoping the sun just peeping out in a blue sky would do the job for me, ignored icy windows after the previous debacle. Making Christmas cake and working on the laptop slow, I decided to conclude sweet gift shopping at the co-op. An impatient woman behind me at the till impeded my bag-packing. Tutting, I used an empty conveyor, plodded home and found a card from End Neighbour on the doormat. I went to say thanks and, as we weren’t sending cards this year, ask if she’d like Milk Tray. “How sweet of you! They’re very welcome actually.” “Good! I can’t believe how hard they are to get rid of. Who doesn’t want free chocs in these hard times?” Her card earlier than normal, I’d assumed she was going away but she’d been at home ill. Asking after Phil, she also thought The Store being shut Christmas Day odd. When he got home, he asked if a parcel had come. Due by 6.30, he moaned he’d have to delay resting and suggested we took turns. “Okay, but should I be seeing it?” “I’ll stay up then.” About to say something else, his phone emitted a loud burst of sound. I stomped up to bed but unable to warm my feet despite 4 pairs of socks, gave up so he could have his siesta. “I’m waiting for the delivery.” “I’m here now.” “I thought you said no.” “Well, you did order the thing but you’re tired from work so go on.” There was a door knock two minutes later – another ‘surprise’ ruined by the package’s shape! Saturday slightly above zero, clouds indicated impending snow. I unearthed a long-forgotten warm merino wool mix top before decorating the tree, accompanied by seasonal music. Phil got home with a sprout stick, took it to the kitchen then I heard clattering and foul language: “Bloody Robert The Chair!” He meant folding ones stashed at the bottom of the stairs. The kettle failed to come on. As Phil began tinkering, I snappily told him to eat and used the old stove-top one to make coffee. Later getting it to work by holding the switch down, I blamed myself for leaving the lid up and he blamed the cold. Loud honking penetrated early darkness. Was it the coca cola truck? Close: Santa’s truck. Apparently an annual tradition distributing gifts between here and Halifax, we’d never seen nor heard it before and could only think of one local garage with vehicles that big. After films and the last ever episode of Lucifer, we laughed at John Rutter talking crap on BBC 4. His Christmas music might be good but he was a knob!
Putting more decorations up Sunday, I rescued a green sprig from a dead plant. The snow already melted, nasty stuff fell from the dark sky as I dumped waste. Phil went to work and I watched the World Cup final. Argentina stunning in the first half, France made a comeback in the second. Still drawn after thrilling ET, Argentina won on penalties. Thinking it possibly the best cup final I’d ever seen, the commentator said it was the best one ever! But given the homophobia and dead construction workers, I didn’t agree with FIFA boss Gianni Infantino who declared the World Cup ‘a success on all fronts’. The Argentine squad returned to 4 million fans thronging Buenos Aires. Abandoning their open-top bus for a helicopter, riot police were deployed and 2 died. As Phil enjoyed the highlights, I stayed up to keep him company and re-watch the goals, got to bed rather late, dozed off to soothing pouring rain and overslept the next day. Wiping at dripping water on downstairs windows, I realised it was on the outside – reverse condensation! Phil had gone to the loo at 4.00 a.m. and couldn’t see out because of snowmelt fog. I posted a haigai and he shopped. Having forgotten his key, he knocked on the door, hid his purchases and sat down when there was a feeble rap. Yet another delivery! For dinner, I fried smelly camembert and ham to put on muffins, naming them Chamburgers. Phil clumping about early Tuesday, I gave up sleeping. A crescent moon shone in an indigo pre-dawn sky. Windy doing exercise, I took antacid and needed a break. After tedious chores, I installed the antique Hull tree, moved the kitchen table to retrieve cookie-cutters form the back cupboard, forgot to put other things away and annoyingly had to do it again before searching for last-minute buys. The main road shops expensive, I returned hungry to have lunch, adorn Christmas cards (getting glitter everywhere) and wrap gifts, ordering Phil to not come in the bedroom when he returned. Waking early with heartburn Wednesday, I struggled to sleep more, tried not to fret, sent messages to family and friends, upcycled glass pudding pots into candle holders, and got Phil to help make pies and fake Spekulatius. The butter hard and a binding ingredient missing from the recipe, the cookies took ages. Tasting bland, spiciness improved with age. Phil looked for the wrapping paper. “Wrapping my pressies? It’s not even Christmas Eve!”
Despite cold, smoky greyness Thursday 22nd, I opened the window and searched for clean bedding. Supposedly helping, Phil had put it in the wash. As I complained of making things harder, he countered I over-reacted. On the plus side, he reduced the Talk-Talk internet sub by around £30 a month. As he went out, I heard him say ‘hello’, then a rustle. Had he come back in? Was it a burglar or a cat? No; the window cleaners. From the threshold, I apologised again for the summer mix-up, confirmed they got our hand-delivered payment and offered Christmas greetings. Bare shelves notwithstanding, Phil secured what we needed and another pressie – so much for early wrapping! Expected for coffee and mince pies, Walking Friend texted she was going back to bed with flu. I took her a goody bag of pies, cookies, card and DVD. Presuming my knock wouldn’t be answered, she popped her head out of the window above. “If you can’t come to the mince pies, the mince pies must come to you!” Warily descending slippery steps, I hung back for a young woman coming through the snicket engrossed on her phone, getting a half-hearted sorry and thanks. Tired and achy, I had a terrible night. Unable to settle and relaxation games useless, I looked out at a peculiarly cloudy, starless but bright night sky. Friday, nasty fine rain and wind gusts punctuated the dark which didn’t lift all day. Already feeling crap from lack of sleep, I was vexed by a dripping tap in the kitchen, put the hot water back on for baths, whinged at Phil that it cost money, then conceded the tap was easy to accidently knock on. Emerging squeaky clean from a long, fluffy soak, he declared it ‘luxury’, listed his tasks then sat on the couch making pictures. As I expressed concern at quite a bit to do, he promised to help Christmas Eve. Needing bread, I went to the busy co-op. My Namesake at the till asked had I done now? “I hope so.” “Will you be here again tomorrow?” “I hope not!” “I will; I’ve got 2 days off. Happy Christmas.” “And you. Enjoy your weekend off! I cut ivy from the garden wall for the hearth. Utterly filthy, it required copious rinsing. I baked my signature veggie sausage rolls and topped the cake. Melted choc already setting as I stuck almonds and ginger on, I melted more for a pleasing drizzle effect then collapsed on the sofa with a glass of wine.
Knitted Nativity
Ex-PM Boris earned over £1m for bumbling speeches. The government unveiling a 10-point campaign for us to reduce energy bills, BBC news visited Shatts’ posh house. Come up with something that saved a grand a year, I might take note! BOE raised interest to 3.5%. Majestic booze sales up 140%, Serco profit’s outlook rose by £5m. Curry’s at a loss, TUI revenues quadrupled in the year to 30th September (after 2020-2 losses).
Treasury coffers were boosted by £85.1bn more tax including £8.3bn property tax in the past year. BCC said ‘structural problems’ with the UK-EU trade deal was damaging. Someone finally admitting Brexit was shit, on QT, Rees-Moggy still insisted it was great. On Newscast, Robert Peston revealed Truss was in floods of tears before her ill-fated 8 minute press conference. I had no clue what their ‘I ooze stamina’ T-shirts meant.
Hoping we’d blame unions not government for disruption, and resolute it was irresponsible to up public sector pay, Dowdy advised health workers to cancel strikes but Caroline Nokes advised negotiation. A mother informed Steve Barclay he was wrong blaming NHS issues on the pandemic. Accepting some of what she said, he invited union reps to meet, not to negotiate pay but to discuss emergency cover. Rishi unbelievably went to a food charity to express disappointment that nurses planned further action. During the first 999 responders strike, health chiefs couldn’t ensure patient safety and ministers warned against risky activities. Less demand suggested they were heeded. A squaddie drafted in to drive ambulances felt ‘honoured’ to be called on. What! Honoured to be a scab? A patient complained one responded to his emergency, but couldn’t drive to hospital. Sat up talking on zoom, he obviously didn’t need blue-lighting. The second strike day cancelled so people could enjoy a stress-free Christmas, they’d resume in January, a day after the anti-strike bill was set out. Pointlessly mandating minimum cover; with staff shortages, they couldn’t provide effective service any day! RCN Scotland rejected a 7.5% pay offer and would strike in the new year. Stopped trains were joined by London buses. Roads busy, scientists found dangerous particles from braking trains could lead to dementia and other health problems. Despite terrible service, Avanti incredibly got a £6.5m performance bonus. Government said it dated back to July-Sept 2021, before timetable changes. As Avanti blamed crew shortages for less trains, a software failure led to 100 TPE cancellations. Another 2-day postal strike meant no more Christmas cards. Heathrow and Eurostar strikes off, incoming travellers reported no issues during the Border Farce airport one. Mark Serwotka said troops got 5 hours training to only check passports, not look for signs of dodginess as proper staff would. Enough in the strike fund until March and a mandate for action until May, he predicted months of disruption. 130 bus companies signed up to a scheme for maximum £2 fares Jan-March 2023.
When asked, 57.7% of Musk’s followers said he should step down as head of twitter. He promised to do so, when he found someone ‘foolish enough’ to take over. Future polls would only be open to blue tick account-holders. The High court ruled the Rwanda policy lawful, but their circumstances not considered, 8 individual’s cases must be reviewed. Refugee charities later appealed. Determined flights would go ahead asap, Swellen couldn’t find any airlines to participate. Trying to get into a full Brixton Academy, fans forced open the doors and the Asake gig stopped. A fan and a security guard subsequently died, a man arrested and the Academy’s licence revoked ‘til April 2023. A gun attack at a Kurdish cultural centre injured 3 and killed 3. The culprit had just been released after attacking migrants in camps with a sword. Rioting ensued. Terry Hall of The Specials and Fun Boy 3, died aged 63. New King Charles banknotes would be in circulation by mid-2024. Patrick Thelwell who threw an egg at Kingy in York was charged with threatening behaviour. As the massive ‘AquaDom’ in the swanky Berlin Radisson Blu exploded, 1 million gallons of water gushed from the aquarium. No people hurt, 1,500 fish perished and pigeons enjoyed a boon. The cause was likely material fatigue, not the voice of Young Chorister of the Year Naomi Simon from York, who could smash glass hundreds of miles away! Chicken Mick Santa handing out sweets and teddies and collecting for New Hope Worcester Children’s Charity, refused to pay a parking fine for his sleigh aka motorbike. A slew of Christmas singles, Northallerton Allotmenteers formed of men growing veg during lockdown for a local hospice, released Sprouts (let it all out), the Half-Timer’s effort raised money for FareshareUK. and Lad Baby reached number 1 for the fifth time. Feed The UK featuring money expert Martin Lewis who could actually sing, was a damning indictment of the government!
I’m Dreaming Of A Grey Christmas
Haiga – Saturnalia
Characteristic Saturnalia light appeared on Christmas Eve. Mainly doing haircuts and food prep, I got ratty as incessant honking trucks interrupted a peaceful day; they could at least play seasonal tunes! For that, we headed to Carols in The Square. Back after 3 years of covid restrictions, it was rammed. Pressed against a shop wall, an ex-pubgoer turned canal-drinker, joyfully beamed and sang beside us. A Friend-couple asserted they owed us a meal. Drawing Teacher remarked on the lovely tradition. Crooning over, we perused hostelries and settled on a revamped Trad Pub. A wicker figure sat next to a woman in the corner of a nigh-empty room. “Is he with you?” I joked. Then a crowd piled in. “Is anyone using that chair?” I felt like Billy No-Mates until Phil brought fancy gins from the bar. Yuletide ditties endless, I sympathised with hospitality and retail workers. “Tell me about it!” laughed Phil. Hungry, we nosed in the recently opened Ex-Bank bar on the way home for a buffet-style dinner, wine and more gin. Phil remarked: “Don’t say I never treat you.” “It was indeed a treat. The whole day was nice, except the honking!
Christmas Day not white but grey, roofs shone festively. Among a generous 20 gifts, Phil got me the new Muse album on vinyl, a Victorian silver coin, a gorgeous Folktale book (although rather scholarly, story notes were often longer than the tales) and splendid black ankle boots. I gave him the sparkly card and not quite as many gifts. He was chuffed with Britannia III, the cigar-box guitar and the vintage camera even though the case screw had the wrong thread. Messages from Walking Friend thanking me for the goody bag and from Musician Friend were welcome but a plethora of intrusive family ones weren’t. Why would I want to see their dinner selfies instead of enjoying our own? I turned alerts off.
The windows streaming with sleety rain Boxing Day, there was enough in the demisting sponge to water plants. Although I’d suggested Phil not wash up, I didn’t mean leave cream to solidify on trifle bowls and Irish coffee glasses. As I grumbled, he admitted to being a tad drunk. I posted a haiga and began Film Reviews 2022iii. Not looking forward to work, at least Phil had no deliveries to deal with. Irked he’d swapped next day’s shifts he said we could go walking beforehand. I abstained from an evening tipple so I’d be up in time – a needless precaution, as it turned out. Getting freezing hands and damp pants taking rubbish out Tuesday, despite his enthusiasm, I refused an outing in the drizzle and listened to Muse’s Willy of the People – we’re all effing fucked! Phil again dithered over late drinks but feeling tired, I didn’t want one and he didn’t bother. Gassiness causing lumpiness and pointless contacting doctors until after the hols, I ditched the HRT patches. Regardless of discomfort and worry, I slept well to start Wednesday in a stupor. I belched and thought Phil was taking the mick when he did too, but he wasn’t. As promised, he helped with housework and errands, using his co-op points for cheap groceries.
Planning a trip to The City Thursday, we got over early narkiness to go to the station. Train delays confusing, an old man in front of me at the booking office hesitated then went for a bus. The clerk fiddled with his display and advised as the trains were messed up, we shouldn’t believe the boards. “I don’t care as long as one comes” Soon after, a fast service whizzed us to The City. Descending steps out, a small white thing bounced in front of us. Was it a tooth? No, an earbud. The owner disgustingly picked it up and stuck it back in his ear! Assailed by the typical biting wind, we crossed to the tiny park where a couple pointed out Phil’s shoes were undone then cadged a fag. “Nowt’s changed then!” Aiming for the Van Gogh experience in the museum, the gallery was inexplicably closed. We wandered round, avoiding noisy kids’ zones, and found a few new exhibits among the telly toys and cartoon models. Having lunch in a trendy Asian eatery, Phil ordered extras and left me his card to pay while he freshened up. I jested with the waitress: “Should I abscond?” Walking past sad dilapidation, the clock tower rang out ‘in excelsis deo’. Phil remarked it was cleverly programmable, unlike Big Ben. Climbing to the top end of the concrete shopping centre, Phil bet 10p the market would make me laugh within seconds. I was instantly in stitches at the sight of a fake Roman frieze. While I selected Primark basics, he got woollies and insisted on paying for everything. I nipped in a discount store to find toiletries and very slow staff, and he nipped in another to not find phone leads. Out the nearest exit, we immediately spotted phone shops. Asking a tenner each for the leads, I spluttered and walked out. “How much do you want to pay?” I forgot shopping here was like Turkey. Raining by then, we caught a speedy train back and dashed through the park. Having a stitch from moving too fast after a big lunch, I struggled to fetch the coffee as Phil absconded upstairs. “Not hungry?” he asked “Nope. Eat fruit if you are.”
Woken by a strange noise Friday, I couldn’t discern if it was external or in my head. Realising Phil would have gone, I forced myself up. After the strikes, we got mail for 2 days running including Christmas cards. Ickle Brother posted his 12th December. I texted: ‘Good news! Happy Christmas!’ He replied it was like the 1970’s but with better hair! Messaging Walking Friend to see if she was better, it transpired she’d had a medical emergency the other day but got help form a passer-by and the chemist who got hold of a doctor. In need of nicotine patches, I offered to get them but as she said she needed to get out, I bade she take care. I struck lucky in charity shops and went to The Store. Phil was at the counter and handed me eggs he’d bought from the butchers first thing. A man from HO came to say as weekend early opening and late closing was a waste of time, hours would be cut. Doing miles more than his contract anyway, Phil didn’t mind and he’d start later New Year’s Day so could stay up to toast 2023. Evening news featured old Scottish volunteers building the WW1 plane Sopwith Strutter. “I bet that took some time,” observed Phil. “Yep, some of them died in the process!” More recent demises involved John Bird, Pele, Vivienne Westwood, and Joseph Ratzinger (aka Benedict XVI), Pope Francis would preside over the funeral, the first time in 2,000 years that had happened. Staying in on a mangy NYE, we enjoyed a posh dinner and weak fizz. A firework boom alerting us to midnight, we clinked glasses and switched from films to the London display. The usual dodgy soundtrack was followed by the relentless Sam Ryder and raucous pissheads disturbing sleep. Shut up! Meanwhile, Thor the Walrus travelled north from Norfolk to Scarborough where fireworks were cancelled.
Flu admissions outstripping covid for the first time since the pandemic, the ‘twindemic’ put 12,000 in hospital. 267 in critical care, capacity reached 95%. After the demos, China relaxed zero-covid rules but increased police checks. Experts feared no immunity could mean 60 million infected and 2 million fatalities within months. Authorities changed official death by covid to respiratory issues only. Travel restrictions lifted and info obscured, the UK joined Italy and USA to impose extra checks on incoming Chinese– they’d require a negative test from 5th January. The Chinese called it foreign spin.
2022 officially the hottest ever, there were 10% excess deaths – was it covid, deficient access to health services during lockdowns or interminable waits for ambulances and treatment? Citing the NHS crisis, reporters didn’t mentioned lack of GP availability, but on the plus side, there were more cancer referrals. 6.9% up on 2021, record home entertainment sales reached £11.1bn. Harry Styles topped music and Top Gun Maverick topped videos. A bumper year for M&S festive food sales, World Cup fans swilling beer and munching pizza grew the UK economy 0.1% in November. Musk’s $2bn losses outstripped other rich twats, and illicit crypto cost $20.1bn.
“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)
Highway To Hell
Woodland 1
Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogi. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.
As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.
More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.
John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.
Highway To Hell
In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.
As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.
Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.
At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.
After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.
In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.
Nasty Business
The Grand
Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”
Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”i. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!
Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.
Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.
Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandii). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.
Calling Blighty
Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!
1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?
The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.
Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.
Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.
Unhinged
Woodland 2
The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”
Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.
A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.
Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.
Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.
Get Out!
New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.
Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ii). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.
Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!
Broken Britain
Broken Britain
Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”
Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)
Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.
Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.
On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.
Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?
When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.
At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)
Blast Furnace Blast
The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.
E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.
GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15th & 20th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)
Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.
After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.
Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3rd-5th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!
*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity
**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services
“(They) broke the law and took us all for mugs. If they had any decency they would be gone by tonight” (Lobby Akinnola)
April Fools
Haiga – Threshold
The world ran by a bunch of fools, we didn’t mark the 1st of the month with April Fools jokes. The grocery bill was mercifully not too hefty but the bags were. I cursed not asking for Phil’s help lugging them home. Motivated by persons unknown sweeping the steps at the side of the house, I cleared the gutter Saturday, failing to unblock the end. Cloudy all weekend, at least it didn’t rain during the free Crossings walk and workshop Sunday. In the art shed carpark, The Leader made introductions and dished out notebooks. We set off on familiar paths, noting a profusion of daffodils absent from the riverside 2 weeks ago, along with wood anemones. Returning on the lesser-travelled Crows path, a walker’s action volunteer related its rescue from developers by residents 12 years ago. Back at base, we got free tea and cake. Amazed such project funding still existed, Phil ate 3 pieces. The workshop proved inspiring although I remained sceptical about the over-use of descriptions. Featuring heavily in creative writing these days, I suspected it featured in university courses. Later, I selected photos for the project showcase including a haiga.i
The covid rate at 1:13, Prof Naismith said we were all likely to have BA.2 by summer. Easter hols starting for some, chaos ensued at ferry terminals and airports. Officially blamed on absence and covid checks, the shortages were also due to furloughed staff leaving. Security checks on 220 new recruits awaited, passengers missed flights at Manchester airport and boss Karen Not-So-Smart resigned. 45 buses and 2 Red Cross trucks headed to besieged Mariupol. Evacuation underway at last, a photo-journalist got shot. The Pope criticised ‘dictatorial leaders’ and said the world couldn’t ignore the migrant crisis. As the Oscars academy continued with disciplinary procedures, Will Smith resigned.
Barely able to move Monday morning, after 10 minutes stretching, I got back in bed. Phil looked offended when I didn’t laugh at his larks but I felt too awful. I made a big effort to fetch coffee and the laptop. Going up and downstairs exhausting, pains shot through my head and I became tearful. Covid infections still rising, the list of symptoms now included fatigue, exhaustion, aching, headaches, sore throats, shortness of breath, blocked or runny nose, loss of appetite, diarrhoea and nausea. So all of them! Wondering if I had it, Phil reckoned they were symptoms of living in England. In fact, additions were to stop people going to work with flu. Feeling overwhelmed by a ‘to do’ list, I posted the haiga, dispatched photos for the showcase, and worked on blogs. Except mealtimes, I stayed abed for 3 dull days.
5-11 year olds were offered low dose jabs. Oil terminal blockades by Just Stop Oil and XR into a third day, 100 protestors were arrested in Kingsbury. Lucy Powell called the privatisation of Channel 4 ‘cultural vandalism’. Tracy Brabin feared for Leeds jobs and ‘We Own It’ told Dreadful Doris to keep her hands off.
Less head pain and a bit cheerier Tuesday, I posted an entry on Cool Placesii , stopping writing when head fug set in. Phil went to the co-op. Another power cut meant no fresh milk or veg.
The covid Situation in Shanghai ‘extremely grim’, citizens suffered lockdowns and online food shortages. After visiting Bucha, Vlod addressed the UN security council, saying the worst war crimes since WW2 merited Nuremberg-style trials. Russian rep Vasily Nebenzya dismissed footage as fake and pro-Putin broadcaster Vlad Solovyov said they chose the name because it sounded like butcher. Red paint was poured in the propagandist’s Italian villa pools. Back after a glitch, Jeremy Vine appeared with hand-written signs. As Cuadrilla were given another year to explore fracking in Lancashire, Mike Gammon claimed reports of tremors were Russian propaganda. Err, no, it’s you believing in conspiracy nonsense!
Eking the last of the fresh milk, Phil made porridge on Wednesday and went to the other shop. Working on ‘Home from Home’ (see Cool Places 2iii) took most of my day. After ineffectual quiet time, I went to the kitchen and panicked when I saw no milk, then spotted it in a bag. Prepping dinner together a bit fraught, I left him to it and dossed on the sofa. As he sent off photos for the showcase, he asked me to check details but I said it was far too late to think and went back to bed.
While Boris defended the National Insurance rise to fund the NHS and Goblin Saj pressed patients to return, 6 Yorkshire hospitals warned them to stay away from A&E, unless dying. In the latest sanctions, the UK added 8 Russian oligarchs to the list, froze Sberbank and Credit Bank of Moscow’s assets, banned outward investment and iron and steel imports, and vowed to stop coal imports by the end of the year. Sanctioning Russian PM Mikhail Mishustin and Putin’s 2 daughters Maryia Putina and Katerina Tikhonova, the US also cut off links with Sberbank as well as Alfa Bank.
Better but lacking energy Thursday, we were sat on the sofa when Phil noticed a reply from the Crossings workshop leader, even though he’d only sent his photos the night before. I was incensed until I saw she’d e-mailed me too. Supplies low, I headed to the market in the nithering wind. What a load of rubbish! No loo roll or fish, I got a few veg and went in the convenience store to find reduced chicken and bacon, so not a completely wasted trip.
The energy strategy mainly featured hydrogen, offshore wind and nuclear power. Great British Nuclear had a target to fulfil 25% of demand by 2060, building a power station a year. There was a £30m competition to make heat pumps, and a new round of licensing for north sea oil and gas from autumn, despite UN calls for rapid cuts in fossil fuel use. Onshore wind unpopular, it was encouraged with discounts for affected communities. Keir called it too little too late and: “a cobbled together list of things that should have been done over the last 10 to 12 years…(and) doesn’t even tackle important things like insulating homes…” Kwarteng had already ordered a report into the science and impact of fracking, but said the pause in extraction would stay unless new evidence showed it was ‘safe, sustainable and of minimal disturbance…’ A 23-mile lorry queue at Dover caused chaos on roads surrounding the M20. Suspended P&O crossings were blamed – nowt to do with Brexit! UNHRC threw Russia out. Ukrainian Foreign minister Dmytro Kuleba begged for weapons to save lives and prevent the war spilling over into other territories. Beloved Mr Ben creator David McKee died. My tiny kid-fish brain never clocked there were only 13 episodes!
No Joke
Haiga – The Artist
Friday, I worked on the journal and waited impatiently in the co-op for a man dithering and a cashier fiddling with buttons. Coming to help, Phil had a cheeky search for long-gone chocolate slabs on the easter display. Finding none, he said he’d have to go elsewhere but with 3 bars at home, I told him not to bother. Rising from a siesta, a marked drop in temperature presaged a loud crack of thunder followed by large balls of ice – thunder hail! It soon turned to rain. Enjoyment of dinner was marred by Phil telling me Rishi Rich was technically a US resident until recently, thus not paying UK tax. The scum held a Green Card until October 2021! He demanded an enquiry into the source of the leak. The opposition demanded ministers declared their residency status. Meanwhile, Ms. Murthy said she “understood the British sense of fairness”, coughed up UK tax on her income but remained a non-dom.
Covid rates still high across the UK, they rose in the Yorkshire region to 1:12, but fell slightly in Scotland. Thousands in hospital but not on ventilators, ONS said it was too soon to say infections were levelling off. A Russian missile hit a train station in Kramatorsk, killing 50 trying to evacuate before a full-scale offensive.
Phil answered a door knock early Saturday to be handed an easter ‘goody bag’ from the local carers’ group. Containing a fleece blanket, thermometer, first aid kit, jelly sweets, greetings card, fluffy chick and chocolate bar (making 4 in total), it resembled an elderly care package. Phil joked about sticking the thermometer up his bum. I cleaned the living room and he overhauled the kitchen lights, then rested in a bid to ease tummy ache. His discomfort persisted into Sunday. That didn’t stop him coming foraging in nearby woods. At the wild garlic patch, two women approached from below. Fearing competition, I pretended to take aim but they didn’t stop. Celandine nestled among the extended crop, creating a salad of yellow and green. After filling a bag, I picked up a couple of excellent twisty red branches, perfect for hanging decorative easter eggs. Keeping to the lower meandering path, we magically saw a couple of deer chasing each other. The Victorian stairways carpeted with crunchy leaves inspired the week’s haiga (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).
P&O said there’d be no Dover ferries until at least Friday. Stuck in queues and losing thousands a day, meat exporters called for the prioritisation of fresh produce. Boris went to walk the streets with Vlod and wave – why was he so popular in Kyiv? As he travelled by car, helicopter, military plane and train, a convoy of Russian tanks headed for Donbas. The Oscars harshly banned Will Smith for 10 years.
After posting the haiga Monday, Phil helped evict a mini zoo of larvae and spiders from the bathroom. Having not fixed the mini mixer, he made wild garlic pesto in the pestle and mortar.
High infection rates having a ‘major impact’, The NHS Confederation felt abandoned and urged government to rethink the ‘living with covid’ plan, reintroduce mitigation, and reinvigorate the public info campaign with renewed focus on mask-wearing and gathering outdoors. A Number 10 spokesperson said no; thanks to vaccinations, treatments and better understanding, it could be managed similarly to other viruses.
The Tuesday top-up shop was astronomical again. Was it due to small seasonal additions or rampant inflation? The Widower looked bemused by easter eggs. I advised on vegan options for his granddaughter. The weighty bags made my shoulder ache but it eased off after an unusual 5 minutes afternoon kip.
Smart Energy GB found rising costs led to habit changes and a UCL survey found us more worried by money (38%) than covid (33%). Anxiety and depression levels the highest for 11 months, 51% didn’t feel in control of their mental health. Unemployment fell to 3.8%, but with 76,000 economically inactive, there weren’t more jobs. The Met issued 30 more Partygate FPNs – Boris, Rishi and Carrie Antoinette were included for The Bumbler’s birthday bash. Apologising, he said he only went for 10 minutes and didn’t know it was a party. “He should contest the fine then,” advised Phil, “that would be hilarious in court!” The first sitting PM ever to be exposed breaking the law, the most Covid fines issued in a single street or workplace and more to come, it confirmed Downing Street was full of crooks. Keir said they’d broken the law, repeatedly lied to the British public, were totally unfit to govern and should resign. Lobby Akinnola of Bereaved Families agreed they had no authority, took us all for mugs and would be gone by nightfall if they had any decency. Approval ratings plummeting, Boris reportedly begged Rishi to stay to save Big Dog. Operation Red Meat looked more like mincemeat! Evil kids cartoon villain Michael Fabricant subsequently compared it to nurses having a cheeky post-shift drink, justice minister Lord Wolfson resigned and our MP Craigy Babe said they must go. They didn’t.
Wednesday, I baked an easter cake and wrote. Not seeming long since the last submission, a message from Valley Life had taken me by surprise. I considered the feature almost finished but sifting e-mails later in the week, noticed a word limit increase. How had I missed that for a whole year? I checked with The Owner who also passed on lovely feedback from ‘a neighbour’. Probing revealed it to be The Widower. As earlier rain cleared, I’d have loved an evening walk if I wasn’t dead tired. Instead, we watched a programme on BBC4 about Stonehenge’s removal from Wales – not stolen as the Welsh claimed, but taken by migrants.
Inflation rose to 7%. With pre-tax profits of £2.03 billion, Tesco gave staff 1.5% ‘thank you’ bonuses for coping with pandemic, supply chain and inflation challenges. Pay rises would come in July. Uncle Joe accused Putin of genocide and the presidents of Poland, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia visited Vlod.
Waking with a scratchy throat for the third morning running Thursday, Echinacea banished it. Opening the bedroom window, I heard then saw 2 typhoon jets zig-zagging over the next hill. The laptop misbehaving even after a restart, I persevered with writing but got head fug and hung washing on the line. Decorating Neighbour was sweeping the street. I asked if he’d done the steps. “I don’t go that far.” The co-op bustling, I forgot essential items. Counsellor Friend was stocking up before joining the great easter getaway. With no P&O ferries, railway engineering and airport queues, I wished her luck! Having a nightmare with veg falling on the floor and a cluttered sink, Phil eventually helped. Knackered, I bemoaned an almost-gone afternoon. An item in metro on easter laughter disappointingly contained no actual jokes.
UK covid infections fell except Wales, for the first time in 6 weeks, suggesting the surge of BA.2 had passed the peak. Bonnie Prince Charlie gave out Maundy Money on behalf of the queen. The latest madcap scheme to deal with dinghy crossings involved putting the navy in charge of the channel and sending migrants to Rwanda. Copied off Denmark, there were only 100 places under the ‘migration and economic development partnership’ aka offshoring single black men. Boris said the plan was possible because of Brexit freedoms but conceded it could be legally challenged. Keir called it unworkable, extortionate and an attempt to distract from Partygate. Phil mused it might not put people off: “After all, we’re always being told to ‘Visit Rwanda’ on the footie!” However, interviewees in a Dunkirk camp maintained the crossing was risky but they’d risked much already and pointed out accepting Ukrainians into our homes was double-standards – touché! The First of stricter UK reception centres at RAF Linton-on-Ouse slated to ‘open soon’, bewildered villagers were up in arms at no consultation. More sanctions were announced by the UK and EU, against Russian oligarchs who propped up the so-called Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republic. Imports of iron and steel and exports of quantum tech were banned.
Bridge of Sighs
Haiga – Inner Voice
After I was asked if the photos I sent for the Crossings expo were mine even with my name on, Good Friday, Phil was asked which object he’d written about. “Can that writing woman not read?” I sighed. He went shopping for the items I’d forgotten and flowers. As he tried to put them in a vase, I took over while he toasted hot cross buns for a hasty lunch. The beautiful roses stayed fresh-looking for over 2 weeks. Wending up to the upland village, we stopped in the playing fields where Phil allowed a rare snap, later garnering several ‘likes’ on FB. In time for a mid-afternoon performance, It was lovely to see the Pace Egg play after a 2-year absence, and also the kids and grandkids of Deceased Friend, for their traditional family get-together. Viewing obstructed, hearing became impossible during the final act because of the chattering classes. What was the point of going if they were more interested in bragging about themselves than listening? We made a hasty getaway and were heading downhill when Phil decided he needed a snack from the burger stall outside the pub. Hearing music, we wandered into the beer garden. Phil commandeered the one free table while I got the second pints of the day. As the novelty act doing bad cover versions wore thin, we retreated to the penfold. A man with 2 dogs hovered at the entrance before letting one loose to run round in an ellipse. He denied that explained rutted soil beneath a picnic bench. Methinks he lied! Despite extreme tiredness, night-time sleep was mediocre.
The next day, the Crossings expo preview invite landed in my in-box but not Phil’s. Narked at doing ‘work’ at the weekend, Phil said it wasn’t work. “It is for them, and on Easter Saturday to boot!” Still tired, I stayed home, hung sheets on the line and cleaned. Meaning to garden in the nice weather, I seemed to run out of time and mislaid flower seed packets. Phil popped to the shops. Town rammed with drinkers but no more than expected, we didn’t understand why this weekend was picked to hold a hipster beer festival. While he was out, I hastily made him a card featuring early spring blooms.
Spring Blooms Card
Birds tweeted in grey pre-dawn light Sunday. I sighed grumpily, wondering what they had to be so cheerful about and turned over until hazy sunlight made sleeping impossible. Dull-headed, I forgot it was easter, then remembered to print the card and give it to Phil with a pack of Haribo’s. He felt bad getting me no confectionary until I reminded him we had stacks of chocolate and he got me flowers.
To refresh fuddled brains, we took a leisurely stroll west on the canal, avoiding squawking geese protecting their nests, admiring showy tulips and chatting to The Biker outside his houseboat. Complementing the restoration of his granddad’s plane, we agreed they didn’t make tools like that anymore. A sign on the chicken farm honesty box helpfully informed us turkey eggs were like hens eggs but bigger! Tempted by a promise of refreshments in the pavilion, we stepped onto the diminutive stone bridge to the cricket club. No match on, it was closed. We rested on an equally picturesque bridge near the lock. Serving also as a crossing point, an arrow indicating Warland, prompted Phil to invent a film plot wherein puritan villagers refused to accept the civil war was over.
Archbishop Welby called the Rwanda ploy ‘ungodly’. Responding in The Times, Nasty Patel said it was ‘bold and innovative’ and challenged anyone to come up with a better idea. How about opening safe, legal routes for migrants? Charities lambasted the Nationality and Borders Bill for not preventing child trafficking. Theresa May later added she couldn’t support the policy on the grounds of ‘legality, practicality and efficacy’ as it split families and encouraged trafficking of women and children. Patel refused to reveal eligibility criteria. Gammons were incensed at small print allowing Rwandans to come to the UK in exchange.
The laptop very noisy Monday, Phil stopped the daft MS newsfeed. Accompanied by music, I started spring cleaning the study, finding the mislaid wildflower seeds behind the desk. Outside planting one in a pot, a neighbour from across the way asked if I knew which cat visited her garden. “They all look the same to me!” Unbelievably, The Great Escape was the best bank holiday film on telly all weekend, apart from Barabbas.
Face-masks no longer mandatory but ‘strongly advised’ in Scotland, spotted without one at a barbers, Sturgeon was again called a hypocrite. Police had words. In their latest covid wave, Shanghai reported 3 deaths bringing the overall total to 4,641 – still lots less than the UK. Shats launched the gimmicky half-price rail tickets wheeze with a cheesy YouTube videoiv.
Tuesday a boring round of chores, writing and shopping, in the evening, I returned a missed call from Aunty. She liked the old postcards of her locality I’d sent her with easter greetings. Found in a charity shop, I promised to send more if they turned up. Using the last of the bargain chicken to make soup, we’d got 4 dinners for £2.50 (and a lunch). The affordable alternative to veganism!
Swiss Toni said Boris’ FPN was like getting a speeding ticket. Ed Davey spluttered that was ‘an insult to bereaved families’. Alastair Campbell contested the claim Blair got a speeding fine while in office, pointing out security disallowed driving. It later emerged The Bumbler racked up £4,000 in speeding tickets while at GQ magazine. In the commons, he repeatedly apologised to MPs, acknowledged the ‘hurt and anger caused’, but insisted it didn’t occur to him it breached rules. Keir said he dragged everyone down to his level. Saying he wasn’t worthy of holding office, Mark Harper publicised a letter to the 1922 committee. Referral to the Privileges Committee and more fines imminent, ministers repeated pleas to await the full Sue Gray report. The economic forecast bleak with the war and covid, the IMF judged the impact on the UK particularly severe with growth down to 1.2% in 2023 because of the ‘triple whammy’ of fuel, food and tax rises. ¾ of civil servants still working from home, Rees Moggy told them to go back to the office. The missive including tables of who was working where, FDA union’s Dave Penman said ministers were ‘vindictive’ and behaving like luddites’, when the private sector embraced flexible working.
On PMQs Wednesday, Boris conveyed 96th birthday greetings to the queen and informed us he was going to India. Keir said once the cameras were off for the public apology, Boris went to his backbenchers to privately blame everyone else and say Welby wasn’t critical enough of Putin, when actually the archbishop said the Ukraine invasion was ‘an act of great evil’. He invited the PM to apologise for slander, getting a flat ‘no’ in response. Ian Blackford claimed 82% of Scots thought Boris lied. While the commons debated the Buildings Safety Bill, protestors complained it didn’t help everyone affected by the cladding scandal.
The NOA found government departments uncoordinated on foreign travel rules with no assessment of the impact on the industry. 1:9 workers in insecure jobs, Frances O’Grady joined Zero Hours Justice’s Julian Richer and Living Wage Foundation’s Katharine Chapman to criticise delaying the Employment Bill announced in 2019: “Boris Johnson has done nothing to show he is serious about upgrading workers’ rights,” she said. 1.5 million cancelled streaming subs. Prime and Netflix the last to go, did it explain splitting the current season of popular Ozark? Just Eat and gambling firm 888 also haemorrhaged customers. A longitudinal study confirmed what I already knew – anti-depressants didn’t improve long-term quality of life.
Holed up in the Azovstal Steel works, Mariupol die-hards worried they were in their final hours and Vlod offered to exchange them for captured Russian soldiers. The next day, Putin claimed victory in the city and ordered a ring around the steel plant. Moscow tested a new ICBM to make anyone threatening them ‘think twice’. Satan 2 wasn’t yet ready for deployment. The Inflow of oil and gas profits bolstering the Rouble, Germany planned to stop using Russian energy products by the end of the year. Wimbledon banned Russian and Belarussian tennis players.
Thursday, I tweaked the Valley Life article, cleaned the bedroom and hung sheets on the line. Bright and breezy, they twisted up but dried quick. Phil went to Leeds just after I went to town for a whizz round shops. Picking up bin-end wine and a ½-price easter egg, I waited in the convenience store for a man chucking stuff in a sack. What looked like a big shop, was actually parcels for delivery. Wanting to linger in sun, pedestrian areas were fully occupied thanks to school hols. A dumb couple stood on the bridge, commenting on the number of bridges. ‘Err, there are rivers, you morons!’ I muttered. I went home to weed the garden. The Widower walked his dog past. Enquiring how he was coping, he replied ‘okay’. The underlying sigh belied his brave face. Thanking him for his nice words to Valley Life, he said they weren’t ‘nice’, but true. How lovely! Out of breath and fatigued, I went to lie down and retired early for a bath that night. Suffering insomnia, the meditation tape eventually sent me into unrefreshing sleep.
The Valneva vaccine was approved for UK use, making 6 in total. A man tested covid-positive on 505 consecutive days before dying, suggesting variants could evolve in persistent cases. Medics wanted better treatments for the vulnerable. While Boris posed in a turban, William Wragg echoed other back-benchers sick of defending the indefensible. A motion to refer Boris to the Privileges Committee carried without a vote. Designs to put the investigation on hold until police inquires concluded, were scrapped. The Met said no fines would be issued before elections 5th May because of ‘restrictions around communicating’. Local candidates included Freedom Alliance – Stop the Great Reset. Their concerns of a global public-private partnership had some validity but not the conspiracy view that covid was a mechanism to control us all!
Sinking Ships
Crossings Exhibit – Installation
Phil had even less shuteye so we both felt unrest Friday. Rushing out, we barely paused to greet new people on the street or admire profusive spring flowers. At the Crossings show preview, project workers and the workshop leader directed us to our group’s work on the outer walls of small sheds. We acknowledged fellow participants and extricated ourselves from an over-friendly acquaintance. Of other exhibits, children’s print work stood out. One kid made a print of Blackpool, cos nothing says nature like Blackpool!
Crossings Exhibit – Blackpool Print
We congratulated the friendly printer responsible on training the next generation. Outdoor displays featuring wood, natural paint and ceramics, were much easier to photograph than indoors where pictures were defaced by reflections.
Art appreciation over, we followed a sign to ‘The Crags’. Previously unexplored, we climbed the curated curious before a protracted return route. A flagging Phil griped of miles to go so we switched to an upper path. I went home to unshod hot, tired feet. He went to the shop, ran into the over-friendly acquaintance again and got yet more ½-price easter eggs (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).
Wanting a trade deal by Diwali, Boris hinted at more immigration from India into high skilled jobs in return for reduced tariffs on British machinery. He also pledged to help them build fighter jets to lessen reliance on Russia but didn’t push Nodi on neutrality. At the JCB plant in Gujarat, owned by tory donor Lord Bamford, he didn’t mention the destruction of Muslim’s homes by their bulldozers.
Drained after a long afternoon out, I stayed home Saturday apart from a trip to the co-op. Very quiet for a weekend, there was hardly any veg but plenty of oil, despite reports of rationing. Along with potatoes, cereal and chicken feed, it apparently all came from Ukraine. Nowt to do with Brexit or P&O ferries! Was the war also responsible for HRT shortages? At the kiosk, my mate’s eyebrows shot up as a colleague told him his pregnant partner wanted a gender reveal party. I observed: “but what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ It would say.” An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore!”(see Tales from the Co-opv).
On Sunday Morning, the hideous Piers Morgan said firms had a dilemma balancing staff being in offices and at home. Oliver Dowdy maintained Boris gave a ‘clear explanation’ of events leading to fines and we should balance that with other matters. In an unfortunate analogy, he said the PM still had ‘fuel in the tank to deliver for this country’. Asked how much more of the ‘drip, drip’ they could withstand, he blathered about focusing on the national security crisis. What was he on about? The war was in Ukraine not the UK!
We went in search of blossom in the park. At various stages of growth, some had already blown off and dandelions outnumbered the cherry. Having noted the music café was rebranded ‘Charlie’s – not attracting the young hip crowd, but OAPs supping a nice cup of tea – we investigated other changes in town. With a closed bank now a daft pub, several ice cream sellers and a pointless melts outlet, Phil remarked: “It’s full of people from out of town selling crap to people from out of town – like a northern Cotswolds!” However, we got more bin-end wine and bargain easter eggs (the most I’d ever had, even in childhood). Coming back, we came across German Friend and empathised on the struggles of processing the passing of friends.
Some tories told MOS that Rayner, lacking Boris’ Etonian debating skills, distracted him by crossing and uncrossing her legs at PMQs. What tripe! She could make mincemeat of him! She tweeted: ‘Women in politics face sexism and misogyny every day…This is the latest dose of gutter journalism..” She later added it was classist too. A colleague said: “Just when you think the Conservative party can’t get any lower they outdo themselves. (They) clearly have a problem with women in public life.” Even Boris decried the piece. Meanwhile, 56 sex misconduct allegations included 3 cabinet ministers and 2 shadows. As ship Albatroz sunk, 47 barrels of diesel created a slick, threatening The Galapagos’ giant turtles.
Haiga – Impressions
Wobbly and heavy headed, I started to exercise Monday morning, when a throat niggle progressed to my ear and nose. Annoyed at a second bout of illness that month, Phil reckoned I’d caught covid at the art show. Feasible, seeing as the last one immediately followed the workshop, but vile phlegm implied the usual sinus lark.
Either way, it rendered me bed-ridden for much of the week, apart from essential chores and spells on the sofa.
After posting a haiga and Cool Places updates, I got head fug and settled down with a book when Phil noisily announced he was going for a rest. I ask you! I slept for 1 minute.
Idiot Epstein informed Jeremy Vine that Rishi was rich because he was good with money. Hmm – It’s easy to be good with money when you have piles to start with! Rees-Moggy put memos on empty Whitehall desks saying ‘I look forward to seeing you in the office soon’. In a rare moment of not talking claptrap, Dreadful Doris called the passive-aggressive bullying ‘Dickensian’. Life expectancy down in deprived areas over the last 3 years, covid was partly blamed. In Kyiv, Lloyd Austin and Anthony Blinken said ‘Ukraine is succeeding’ and promised more munitions. Following weekend attacks on the Azovstal steel plant, Russian strikes targeted fuel and rail facilities. After Micron was re-elected president of France, cops killed 3 protestors.
Tuesday, I okayed the Valley Life proof and worked on blogs. Suffering brain fog, I stopped writing and submitted photos to the larger arts festival exhibition. Phil went to the co-op. Disturbed by the door slamming on his return and loud talking on the street below, so-called ‘quiet time’ was a write-off. As he’d bought 3 kinds of spuds, I cooked loads for dinner, getting backache and narky.
The Bumbler convened Cabinet to invent ideas to address the cost of living crisis without spending extra money. They came up with encouraging more uptake of child and pension credits, cutting import tariffs and childcare ratios and extending MOT’s to 2 years. The Guardian accused them of trashing health and safety. Boris threatened to privatise DVLA and the passport office. Delightfully-named Ian Snowball, landlord of the Showtime bar, Huddersfield, faced a £6,000 fine for allowing a punter to sip ale while standing to play beer pong during restrictions. Talk about disproportionality! IPPR reported 400,000 quitting work due to ill health, leading to ‘terminally low productivity’. Elon Musk bought twitter for $44 bn. Right-wingers thrilled by the promise of less moderation, others feared more fake news, bigotry and conspiracy drivel. After The Insolvency Service began criminal and civil proceedings over redundancies, shit-show P&O failed to further reduce wages. Intending to restart the Dover-Calais ferry Spirit of Britain for freight from Wednesday, The European Causeway lost power half an hour from Larne and limped back. As more weapons were sent to Ukraine, Serge warned of ‘world war by proxy’ and again raised the prospect of nuclear attacks. Antonio Guterres went to Moscow, incensing Vlod by not visiting Kyiv first.
Barrels of Fun
Unappreciated Dandelions
Wednesday, I fetched the coffee, for which Phil tossed me 10p. It disappeared like a crap magic trick. At PMQs, Keir attacked the government’s approach to the cost of living crisis. Boris threw out figures and metaphors. Keir quipped that was his fab debating skills we’d heard about! He then asked ironically if being the only country to raise taxes had made things better or worse? Ian Blackford cited Trussell Trust research that 830,000 children depended on food parcels and urged him to look for ideas beyond the cabinet, such as raising child payments like in Scotland. He could also have cited food parcel demand (up 44% in Yorkshire), 59% of the population making lifestyle changes to cut spending and 18% having no disposable income. Cathy Gardner and Fay Harris won a high court case against PHE and The Cock for discharging untested patients to care homes where their dads’ died of covid. Invited by Daisy Cooper to apologise, Boris insisted they didn’t know the virus was transmitted asymptomatically. Court evidence proved otherwise. A PHE paper passed to Sage early 2020 concluded ‘asymptomatic transmission cannot be ruled out’, another warned ‘pre-symptomatic transmission…constituted a very substantial proportion of all transmission,’ and top medic Pat Vallance said likewise on the Today Programme, 13th March.
Fatigued by the antics, I rested. At least external noise was more ambient this time. At coffee time, Phil cadged from my depleting filter supplies, saying he’d buy me more if I gave him 50p. A bargain, I said he could have the 10p back, which had turned up among the sheets.
Rayner called Lord Geidt clearing Rishi of any wrongdoing an ‘utter whitewash’. Editor David Dillon refused to meet Lindsay Hoyle. Carol Brexit informed Jeremy Vine that 4 tories heard the Ashton MP jest about using her legs to distract Boris. The Chief Whip promised action against a tory caught watching porn. After letting rumours accusing others to circulate, Neil Parish was suspended Friday, said he got onto the porn site by accident looking for tractors but re-visited it, then resigned Saturday. Following more EU sanctions against 50 oligarchs and companies including Gazprom, Russia cut the gas off to Bulgaria and Poland. How did you sanction a company you traded with? Greenpeace called imports of 1.9 million oil barrels since the start of the war, ‘utterly disingenuous’ when the UK vowed less reliance on Russian supplies. GSK reported a £9.8 billion turnover in the first quarter, thanks in part to anti-viral drug Xevudy. Meanwhile, treatments for tremors involved zapping neurons and the first person treated for Parkinson’s with a Deep Brain Stimulation implant, declared a miracle. York councillors divested Prince Andy of Freedom of the City.
Eyes shutting while reading, I hoped to be less fatigued Thursday. Sadly not. Phil went to the market for bog paper (only loose rolls available) and fishy bits. The shrimps were from Holland. Full import checks on European goods further delayed, supermarkets were happy, but exporters facing red tape and ports having built unnecessary infrastructure, weren’t. The benefits of Brexit eh, Moggy? Was that taking back control?
A tweeter thought it fun to relabel BA ‘British Wokeways’ for refusing to fly migrants to Rwanda over fears of a backlash. Charter flights would add to an already astronomical £120 million for the scheme. A whopping £30,000 each, Phil reckoned it’d be cheaper to give people the money to go home. In more commons sleaze, Jamie Wallis was charged with a hit and run, Imran Khan belatedly submitted a resignation letter (after getting another full month’s pay), Liam Byrne was suspended for 2 days, and a female MP was called ‘a secret weapon’ as all the men wanted to sleep with her. Ben Wally said they should avoid ‘toxic bars’ and Sue Braverman claimed there wasn’t a ‘pervasive culture’ of misogyny but some bad apples. Yes, but it only took one to rot the whole barrel! Keir said he took all allegations seriously and hoped colleagues had confidence in the complaints procedure. On QT, Jon Ashworth agreed the cost of living was the most important issue but connected to Partygate because tories were disconnected and dismissed people’s real concerns as ‘silly’. Mims Davies wittered about jobs and floundered trying the defend the migrant policy against accusations of being ‘pick and choose’. After telling Iain Dale Channel 5 had thrived when it was privatised (it was never public!) an unusually sober Dreadful Doris came on Newscast to prate about impartiality and privatising Channel 4 even though 96% were against it.
Friday, Phil said he needed a haircut: “I look like I’m from a Britpop band.” “No you don’t. Mines’ worse.” “It does need colouring in.” “Thanks!” I sat abed writing until hungry and hot, considered getting lunch but he brought it to me. Perhaps staying put was a good thing, because I felt much better on a bright Saturday. I went to the rag market to buy haberdashery from friendly stall-holders then waited for Phil to come to an exhibition of historic photos by a local celeb. On the way, we were waylaid by falling blossom and dandelions. I later created a Facebook album but the dazzling yellow blooms went unappreciated. Balking at a £5 suggested donation, we contributed by purchasing juice. Phil’s photography mate had planned the showing for 2020. They bemoaned work being on hold since covid and I sympathised with his travails being interviewed for a documentary. I could talk for England but stick me in front of camera, I was dumbstruck!
550 Network Rail upgrade projects over the bank holiday weekend, cleaners and conductors’ strikes meant TPE only ran a small number of (dirty) services. Roads were predicted to be quiet. A good job with herds of animals on the M62 at Eccles and Brighouse. Madelaine McTernan who worked on the covid vaccine rollout, was appointed HRT tsar. Demand up thanks to The Davina Effect, I felt I was missing out not taking it.
“The home secretary is single-minded about recreating Australia’s abuse of people seeking asylum in the UK. Mr Downer is an architect of Australia’s offshore detention camps, which led to rampant child abuse and detention conditions described…as cruel, inhuman and degrading” (Bella Sankey)
Fighting Talk
Haiga – Idiosyncrasy
After mediocre sleep, fatigue and achiness persisted. I managed some stretching Monday while Phil got brekkie then disappeared. To mark Valentine’s Day, he presented me with a candy-striped bag containing more old postcards, including 2 of Chester’s Eastgate from different eras. I itched to go and take photos with the box brownie sometime. I gave him the arty catkins card I’d made, later sharing it on social media.
Arty Catkins Card
I stayed in the bedroom posting blogs, hampered by blinding sun between showers. My siesta severely disrupted by canalside pile-drivers, I covered my ears until they quit for 10 minutes shut-eye. In the metro, Prof. Paul Hunter explained covid re-infections accounting for 1:24 of the total, weren’t necessarily milder but strengthened immunity. We giggled at a ghost telling people to eff off at Dead Woman’s Ditch.
Petrol prices up, Northern PowerGrid sent trillion-pound compensation cheques to customers who’d suffered disruption during last months’ storms. The Met Office warned more was to come with Storm Dudley crossing the UK Wednesday into Thursday, followed by Storm Eunice on Friday.
The Metropolitan Police Federation declared ‘no faith’ in mayor Khan. Meanwhile, commander Julian Bennett who wrote the drugs strategy and held misconduct hearings leading to 56 sackings, allegedly took LSD and cannabis. investigating the source of the Jimmy Savile nonsense, Scotland Yard’s CCDH* had messages from Telegram users including Tommy Robinson, calling for Keir’s execution. He told Radio Newcastle he didn’t like to talk about death threats. With no case for re-joining the EU, he wanted to make Brexit work. Did he have any ideas to share with Rees-Moggy? Boris went to Rosyth shipyard to dress up and warn we were on the edge of a precipice. He meant Ukraine not Brexit! Urging Europeans to move away from reliance on Russian oil and gas, he said “we need to find alternative sources of energy and…get ready to impose some very, very severe economic consequences.” Hmm. Wouldn’t sanctioning oligarchs hurt London more than Moscow? And was his fighting talk mere bravado after Mauritius planted their flag on the Chagos islands?
Startled awake by heavy machinery Tuesday, it persisted on and off for the second day running. I left earplugs in and increased the telly volume to lessen the din. Though still achy and fatigued, I managed some exercise then sat abed and worked on the laptop until coffee fooled me into thinking I was better. I donned comfy clothes, tidied round the bedroom and stuck antique postcards on the mirror, then flagged and took lunch back to bed. A changeable day with some sun, I suggested Phil go to the co-op before storms arrived. Finding no sweet potatoes nor substitute turnips, things were bad!
Vlad asked Sergei Lavrov if there was any point in continued talks. Serge replied they weren’t exhausted but couldn’t go on forever. As the Russians moved some troops from the Ukrainian border, Olaf Scholz sat at the other end of the Kremlin’s long table to say they must converse. Vlad wanted to discuss missiles and military transparency, Jens Stolenberg expressed ‘cautious optimism’ but called Vlad’s’ tactics the ‘new normal’ and planned NATO battle groups as a counter-measure. Mixed signals didn’t encourage Boris but the 3.00 a.m. Wednesday invasion predicted by a ‘US intelligence source’ proved untrue.
UK covid deaths fell for the second week, by 10%. Up in Wales and care homes, the over 80’s made up almost 2/3 of fatalities. Global cases down 19%., rules would relax in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. Up in Eastern Europe, why did Vlad choose now to ditch the long table and meet Bolsonaro at a tiny one? Leaving behind 105 fatalities from ruinous heavy rain and mudslides in Petropolis, the Brazilian anti-vaxxer refused covid testing. Jabs for 5-11 year olds were approved across the UK, Prof. Sarah Gilbert became a dame and the Runnymede Trust proved their case that The Cock broke equality laws hiring tory mates Dildo and Mike Coupe. Failing to end the Freedom Convoy blockades, Ottawan police chief Peter Sloly resigned and emergency powers allowed protesters’ bank accounts to be frozen. The Canadian Civil Liberties Association tweeted they didn’t ‘meet the threshold’ to invoke the act.
Sucking Swizzles drumsticks in the evening, we groaned at a clip of the interminable BBC Novax interview which basically boiled down to him saying ‘I’m special!’ “He’s special alright!” laughed Phil, “another tennis player who’s boring because he eats boring food.“ “Yep. He never eats lollies!”
Roused by noisy engineering works again Wednesday morning, I head fug and achiness persisted and my legs felt leaden going up stairs. Glad of a respite from Westminster shenanigans during half-term, I took it easy, worked on the laptop and tried to book train travel. As something went wrong at check-out, I went round in circles trying to work out what, eventually found a phone number on the NR website but angry and frustrated, left the call unmade. Bright clouds signified a full moon somewhere in the stormy night sky, which abated at some point after midnight. During mediocre sleep, I dreamt of meeting friends and doing a work. Was it a post-covid world?
Sotrovimab cut the risk of hospitalisation and death in vulnerable patients by up to 80% and Paxlovid by 90%. The cabinet office asked the Met if they planned to publish the 300 Partygate photos, along with number and reasons of fines. According to Boris’ lawyer, if he wasn’t drunk, he could say it was part of a normal working day! Cost of living increases at a 30-year high, household goods doubled in price while wages rose 4.3% Oct-Dec 2021. Not keeping pace with inflation, 2/3 cut back on buying clothes, eating out and take-aways. Care workers were added to the Shortage Occupation List. As Bonnie Prince Charlie’s heritage foundation was investigated for cash for honours, brother Andrew settled out of court with Virginia Giuffre apparently for £12 million and came bottom of a poll of most popular royal – unsurprisingly topped by the queen. Ahead of Storm Dudley, 66 mph winds hit Emley Moor. At least it shut the engineers up!
Stormy Rhetoric
Storm Damaged Millennium Dome
Determined not to stay abed another full day, I ignored aches Thursday, exercised, wiped round the kitchen, took coffee back up, worked on the laptop and rang NR to book train tickets. Having to spell MARY to the Indian woman, I wondered if she was in Bangalore. Pain eased, I ventured outdoors, breathed deeply of fresh air and went to the co-op in case Storm Eunice precluded a Friday trip. Not too busy, I didn’t initially don a mask but as elderly gammons coughed in the second aisle, I hastily stuck one on. No bacon at all, I settled for cheap gammon steaks. The irony wasn’t lost on me! Storm Dudley left grey dampness in its wake and a shower descended as I plodded home. After lunch, I fetched the laptop down and joined Phil channel-hopping between Olympic curling (his favourite) and figure-skating (mine). Repeatedly falling, controversial Kamila Valieva was out of contention. The distraught 15 year old wasn’t comforted by heartless ROC coaches but at least her ordeal was over and medals could be awarded after all the palaver.
In an NHS Confederation survey, 4/5 senior staff in England thought mask-wearing should continue in healthcare settings and over 3/4 disagreed with government scrapping isolation rules and free testing. Other surveys found less people self-isolating, but more shopping and commuting. 1/5 trains cancelled caused issues for those compelled to travel to offices. Reportedly 251 sex offence allegations against Met staff last year, the CPS prosecuted 3 cops for sharing misogynistic and racist WhatsApp chat with Wayne Couzens. Luhansk separatists considered ‘increased’ Ukrainian shelling a ‘large scale provocation’ and returned fire. Kyiv disputed the claim. Ben Wally went to a NATO summit in Brussels and said it was important Vlad understood they were ‘deadly serious’ in facing the threat posed and Trussed-Up Liz parroted Jen’s rhetoric of Russian ‘false flag operations’ as a pretext for invasion. Amid reports Nasty Patel was to end the golden visa for oligarchs and hire Alexander Downer to review Border Farce, Dr. Shola on Jeremy Vine said she couldn’t do her job. Yep, she was good at the nasty rhetoric but absolute rubbish at doing stuff! The former Australian asylum tsar an architect of their inhumane immigration policy, the PCS said his support for pushback made him a ‘wholly inappropriate choice’. Clare Mosely of Care4Calais railed: “The Australian offshore asylum programme was one of the most reprehensible systems in the world, leading to untold human misery and widespread condemnation. That Pritti Patel looks forward to Mr Downer’s findings is telling. It is clear that the references to a ‘threat’ at our border refers to Channel migrants, but they are no more a threat than any bus-load of ordinary British people.” Bella Sankey added Nasty was intent on ‘recreating Australia’s ‘abuse of people seeking asylum’ and their offshore detention camps led to ‘conditions described by the International Criminal Court as cruel, inhuman and degrading’. After an ACAB knifeman was shot dead at Gare du Nord Tuesday, Angela Rayner outraged Guardianistas by saying police should shoot first, ask questions later. Adding criminals should be antagonised, her views were formed growing up with anti-social behaviour. That’s Ashton for you!
Coinciding with a spring tide, storm warnings were at red, and the army put on standby by cobra. The public were urged not to travel and particularly not drive to the coast for spectacles of crashing breakwaters. Phil’s Friday morning appointment in Leeds looking dodgy, he discovered train cancellations and NR sent me a message advising against all non-essential journeys. After a Prime film, I went to bed to watch QT.
Jake Berry called The Glove-Puppet a powerhouse but didn’t know why he needed a Levelling Up white paper. While Andy Bunman welcomed London-style ‘level bus fares’, he said with services cut, rhetoric was all very well but in reality: “the north/south divide has got wider during this pandemic.” Broadcast from Leeds, I wondered why he was on rather than Tracey Brabin, then she popped up on Newscast to add there was less footfall on the buses but ending covid support was counter-intuitive because of the need to increase usage. £22 billion for the Brownfield Land Release fund the only new money, with strings attached, she said government must be true to devolved power and let mayors make decisions for the communities they knew and understood. She looked forward to ‘Disrupter’ Gove’s daytrip to Yorkshire. Maybe she’d take him to Betty’s tea room for a Fat Rascal which she thought were from Cheshire. Yorkshireman Chris Mason on hols, Adam Fleming chuckled he was stuck with his kids at Tod services. No such place existed. Had he picked the name of a northern town at random? Temp presenter Alex Forsyth claimed to have invented Levelling Up.
Stormy Breakwater
Silvery rooftops belied the oncoming storm Friday. Phil snorted at warnings of catastrophe: “Storm Eunuch more like!” But with torrential rain and more train cancellations later, he agreed he’d have got stuck in Leeds. Reaching 85 mph at Emley Moor, record 122 mph winds battered The Needles and 200,000 homes lost power. Falling debris and trees resulted in 3 fatalities while a tree killed a man sweeping leaves in Ireland.
P&O ferries to Calais and Welsh trains were suspended, the A6 closed at Buxton as did the Prince of Wales, Severn and Humber bridges. Roofs torn off buildings, the millennium dome was a wreck. Where would they hold the festival of Brexit? In Europe, 4 died and a crane fell on a hospital in Belgium.
Meaning to do something active, I ended up writing all day while watching skating and curling. Concerned when Phil dashed out in the blustery afternoon for extra bread, he found it not as bad as it looked and no signs of devastation. GB women got to the curling final. Phil not realising he missed a nail-biting tie-breaker, I joked I knew more about his favourite winter sport than him!
No doubt sparked by schoolkids’ letters on Partygate, new DoE guidance on political impartiality in the classroom called BLM ‘partisan’. Criticised by unions and anti-racism campaigners, Mary Bousted of NEU predicted decreased student engagement and Hope Not Hate’s Nick Lowles said it focused on: “creating a debate about the culture wars rather than helping pupils learn about racism and prejudice.” Uncle Joe still believed war was imminent as Russia announced ‘massive’ nuclear drills involving multiple missile launches. Serge mocked the ‘fake’ warning. In the week’s business news, M&S raised minimum wages to £10 an hour, NatWest were to close 32 branches and American coffeeshop giant Starbucks cut back UK sales of Fairtrade coffee due to supply chain changes.
Call of the Wild
Silvery Streams
Flood warnings spilled over into Saturday. With trees on lines and trains in the wrong place, travel disruption continued. Rain turned to sleet, then snow. Pastel-shaded icing coated the hillside until the flakes grew in size. The kettle did the weird mental thing. As we now used the blisteringly fast second-hand kettle (putting up with lairy red plastic and lurid neon blue lights) to save money, it seemed likely the inundated water system was to blame. Icy lumps formed on telegraph wires and evaporating snow created vapour which reascended as liquid. As the sun came out, we seized the opportunity for a trip to the nearby clough. We waded down the slushy street where half-frozen puddles held fallen leaves captive and snowmelt deafeningly dripped from gutters. We found pavements on higher lanes rather slippery. My anxiety increased trying to dodge a huge family group and speeding traffic at junctions. In the clough, stunning colours competed for our attention with the sounds of nature. Large drops plopped in the blue swamp. Curly copper leaves rustled in the crisp breeze. Yellow narcissi sprung from squelchy earth. A fat red robin called to potential mates. Silvery light shone on wildly gushing streams.
Seeing a manmade red snail on the way into town, I didn’t think anything of it until another on the old pub sign made us wonder if it was a red snail trail. The centre quiet, I remarked it only took a week of storms to clear it! We grabbed a few items in the convenience store and went home, where Phil disappeared upstairs leaving me to faff with groceries and lunch. Back and legs aching from the short walk, I collapsed on the sofa (for more walks, see Cool Placesi). Watching Lucifer, Phil joked he could be the ecumenical adviser with his knowledge of angels and demons. I thought they already had good ones. Drifting off, I composed a haigaii, and unusually didn’t wake during a night of fuzzy dreams – no doubt due to the fresh air and exertions.
Agreeing with The NHS Confederation, BMJ and WHO (flummoxed by the prospective end of isolation requirements), Wes Streeting told Sunday Morning that labour’s ‘living well with covid’ plan involved sensible precautions and preparedness for future variants. Sophie gave him a hard time on their response to Boris’ anticipated easement and then asked The Bumbler next to nothing about it! Amid the usual bluster, he gave us a primary school history lesson on The Ukraine and evaded Partygate questions.
I’d gone to bed before being drawn into the women’s curling final and viewing the end highlights, wondered if they were at it all night. GB Beat Japan, confounding pundits. The men getting silver, it was our only medal of the whole games. No trace of the snow, the day started cold and became increasingly wet. I hurried bathing and dressing. Losing mobile and telly signals for a few hours, we watched iPlayer then had a break from the box. He hoovered the attic while I picked up where I left off spring-cleaning the kitchen. The corner shelves gross, I developed backache and a raging thirst. At a packed Elland Road, Leeds vs Man Utd was like the old days, complete with broken heads. The Swamp must have evoked tribal memories!
Omicron-specific Moderna vaccine would be trialled in Leeds, Hull and Sheffield. Stun grenades and pepper spray were used to clear the Freedom Convoy and arrest 170 in Ottawa. Mini Macron again spoke to Vlad raising hopes for a diplomatic solution but with shelling in Ukraine’s separatist region and renewed American warnings that Russia planned a war within days, hadn’t we been here before?
Aware of sirens upriver as Storm Franklin blew in, we escaped flooding. 150 warnings in total, Northern Ireland bore the brunt with a threat to life in South Manchester as the Mersey burst its banks. Since the system came in 7 years ago, it was the first time the UK had been hit by 3 named storms within a week. The all-nighter severely disturbed sleep.
“What a surprise: a committee led by the previous health secretary and which exclusively spoke to his friends in government, found that the deaths of 150,000 people were ‘redeemed’ by the vaccine roll-out” (Hannah Brady)
No Surprises
Haiga – Altered Carbon
Unrested after a bitty night, I forced myself up Monday and got through the routine chores with remarkable efficiency. I then started putting decorating stuff back in the coal hole when a tin of white paint leaked all over, creating more work, backache and ill humour. After posting blogs, I hung sheets on the line. Although the sun didn’t reach that side of the house, a warm breeze dried them quickly and made them less smelly. For dinner we made use of discounted hot dogs and spare lentils to make a casserole. Phil said it was no surprise it was a triumph!
The Welsh Covid Pass was introduced for access to events and clubs. Other places such as care homes could follow. Damian Hinds said Boris’ holiday was important for the country; he needed time to relax and unwind but not too much as he was constantly in touch, being briefed and still in charge. Shadow minister Pat McFadden retorted he didn’t care where The Bumbler was as it was just as chaotic when he was here: “What I want is grip from the government and we haven’t got that at the moment.” A spokesman insisted government departments were working together on how to support business through the energy crisis. A freedom of information request revealed that of 750 cops accused of sexual misconduct in the past 5 years (excluding The Met), only 34 were dismissed. The Draconid meteor shower lit up Northumberland skies and Airbus tested Zephyr. The solar-powered aircraft intended to bring internet to unconnected areas, flew for 18 days in the stratosphere. Meanwhile, scientists got excited that radio waves from distant stars detected by the LOFAR telescope, could lead to the discovery of habitable planets in the goldilocks zone.
Midweek turned grey and I turned ropey. Tuesday, I persevered with housework, writing and shopping. As meandering high school kids cluttered up the co-op, I scarpered out the back door. Skirting two white vans blocking the street below on the way back, I was about to swear when a delivery man politely asked did I live there. The other van belonged to the window cleaner. His son smiled at me from the passenger seat while his dad nattered with Poet Neighbour. After sorting the load, I attempted more writing but got sharp pains in my head and had a lie down.
AZD7442 antibody shots was found to halve the risk of severe covid in people who couldn’t take vaccine. As Brian Madderson of the Petrol Retailers Association said there were still shortages due to tankers not being in the right place, CF Industries found a longer-term solution to the crisis that halted production last month. Gareth Stace of UK Steel called the expected help for other power-hungry industries in the form of taxpayer-backed loans, a sticking plaster. ONS reported workers on payroll rose to a record 29.2 million August-September but vacancies rose to 1.2 million. In a bid to restore public trust, all police forces would review alleged violence against women, incidents of indecent exposure and vetting practices. Maggie Blyth would lead the NPCC’s work and co-ordinate action across England and Wales. Swampy and fellow eco-warriors planned to stay in tunnels under the path of HS2 at Aylesbury until Christmas.
A report by the S&T and H&SC committees into government’s handling of the pandemic said nothing we didn’t already know or that I hadn’t been saying since March 2020. It labelled the early response ‘one of the most important public health failures the UK has ever experienced’ but said the situation improved with vaccine development and treatments. Doing the media rounds, minister Stephen Barclay refused to acknowledge mistakes or apologise to bereaved families, reiterating the idiotic mantras about learning lessons and knowing things now that we didn’t then. Hannah Brady of Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice called the report ‘laughable’ and wryly observed it was no surprise that they found 150,000 deaths were ‘redeemed’ by the vaccine, adding: “this is an attempt to ignore and gaslight bereaved families.” Fellow campaigner Fran Hall came on Newsnight to ask Aaron Bell what lessons had been learnt? The Bell-end blathered about being prepared for flu (which they weren’t), following official scientific advice and criticism being all very well with the benefit of hindsight. Rory Stewart revealed he was accused of populism by Jenny Harries for suggesting simple measures such as masks early on. Fran wanted someone to take responsibility. Bell-end admitted the PM was ultimately accountable but said it wasn’t about pointing fingers; systems needed to be interrogated. Rory retorted it wasn’t enough and should be a massive wake up call for a “smug, closed government that doesn’t accept any external challenge.”
Trust Issues
An Emotional Captain Kirk
Sleep mediocre, it was again an effort to rise Wednesday. I posted ‘Wonders of Ulverston’ on Cool Places 2i and tried to draft a guest blog for The Researcher. Looking at other contributions, I was fairly sure a friend had written two of them (an artist, TV star and writer to boot!) Slowness and glitching presaged a software update while a glitch on the NHS app caused chaos for travellers unable to get a QR code.
Two more unheard-off energy companies went bust and rail freighters reverted to diesel because electric was too expensive. Amid HGV driver shortages, containers backed up at Felixstowe and Maersk re-directed ships to European ports. Port bosses and toy retailers told consumers to stock up on Christmas tat, but Rishi Rich and Tim Morris of UK Major Ports Group said don’t panic buy. After Lord Frosty Gammon complained the Northern Ireland protocol wasn’t working and had to change, the EU proposed to significantly reduce red tape, address looming bans on products like sausages and give Westminster a more consultative role. Refusing to extricate the European Court of Justice, Maros Sefcovic said their role was essential for the province to retain single-market access. A new round of talks was expected in the coming weeks. While Lord Frosty insisted everyone in government knew what they were signing, The Scumbag unsurprisingly said Boris didn’t, Jenny Chapman claimed they were using a spat with Brussels to distract from their own failures and Leo Varadkar said it showed you couldn’t trust the Brits. 11 EU countries backed France in calling on the UK to abide by the agreement for continuity of fishing round Jersey. Hate crime up 9% in the year to March 2021, 12% for racially-motivated crime, The Home Office cited ‘trigger events’ such as BLM protests but campaigners blamed misinformation and conspiracy theories linked to the pandemic. Will Shatner aka Captain Kirk, went to the edge of space in Bezos’ New Shepard rocket. After spending 10 minutes going to 350,000 feet, the oldest man to leave earth became emotional. Prince Wills criticised space tourism, saying we should make this planet better rather than blasting off elsewhere.
After a fretful night,Istole myself Thursday to read information for an appointment the next day, sorted logistics and chatted through anxieties with Phil. Despite reassurances, I couldn’t concentrate on writing. About to go shopping, Phil asked should he come? It was a good job he did; even with gaps on shelves, I loaded a trolley thanks to reduced items and practically the last ‘5 for a fiver’ deal from an almost-empty cabinet. Attempts to compartmentalise a failure, I took a mild valerian to calm my brain and tried to rest. My body relaxed but I couldn’t stop my thoughts wandering. A similar story at bedtime, I had a truly dreadful night – neither the chill pill nor the meditation soundtrack aided sleep.
Up 13% in a week, 45,606 new daily covid cases was the highest since July. With 7,024 hospitalised, Witless said it’d be a tricky winter and GPs were instructed to see people face-to-face to ease pressure on A&E. More money was pledged for locums who didn’t exist and ‘league tables’ would show up those who didn’t. Many countered that patients liked zoom consultations and The C**T said it wouldn’t turn the tide. Obviously expecting a grilling from doctors, Goblin Saj missed the RCGP conference*, saying he was clearing his diary to fight for the NHS. While doing a round of media interviews, he apparently didn’t have time to read the damning report – obviously 150 pages was too much for him. Pig farmers and processors welcomed help with storage and temporary 6-month visas for butchers but warned it needed to happen quickly to be any use. Customer’s bills to go up another £45 because of bombed companies, National Express had enough fuel until 2023 but not enough drivers. Wednesday, Insulate Britain blocked roads, got dragged off by motorists and unglued and arrested by police. They then suspended protests until 25th October to hand-deliver a letter to Number 10. After staff allegations and a vote of no confidence, North Yorkshire PCC Philip Allott said he wouldn’t resign and hoped to rebuild trust. By evening, he’d stepped down, saying it was the honourable thing. Well, it would have been if he’d gone straight away!
On Question Time, Prof Rob Winston said scientists shouldn’t be blamed for failures during the early stages of the pandemic and none of the evidence presented to the Lords S&T committee was made public. Criticising the last 2 health minister, he told us the Lords asked The Cock questions every day and got no answers and The C**t left the department in a mess ‘with no remorse’. Tory Penny Mordaunt maintained people did their best at the time, but the report flagged up important lessons which needed to be learnt as we weren’t through it yet. Labour’s Alison McGovern lamented a lack of cross-party discussions and former aide Sam Kusumo admitted government was accountable and should have included local and international leaders in decision-making. Economist Anne McElvoy wanted Saj to apologise for not reading the short, clear report: “mistakes in England were on a scale that is not acceptable.” She trusted a public inquiry would reveal the trade-offs made between public health and the economy. Moving on to the fudge over an ‘oven-ready’ Brexit, she called the Northern Ireland protocol a bodge but hoped ‘tweaks’ would make it work. Penny insisted the agreement was signed in good faith, wasn’t meant to impact negatively on the people of Northern Ireland and the EU now realised change was needed to eliminate trade friction.
Sportswashing
Buzzing Fuchsia
Hardly sleeping all night, there was no way I could go anywhere Friday. Exhausted and distressed, I lay dozing until Phil made moves. I fetched tea and opened the curtains to view the colourful pre-dawn sky adorned with a bright star (or was it a planet?) We again discussed my worries before I phoned to cancel the appointment. Phil left me to rest but it was futile as streaming sunlight replaced darkness. Giving up, I ventured down for coffee and a short spell on the laptop. Head drooping after lunch, I went back to bed, alternately reading and trying to sleep; impossible with an ultra-bright sun and whirring mind. Slightly less fatigued by evening, we indulged in pizza, wine and escapist films.
43,000 incorrect PCR results 8th September-12th October, halted test analysis at the Immensa Health Clinic Ltd. Lab in Wolverhampton. Jenny Harries of UKHSA trusted only a few thousand were infectious. Travellers returning from red list countries would only need a LFT from 24th October and the fully-vaccinated could go to the USA from 8th November. Shats announced the limit on the number of deliveries foreign lorry drivers could make while in the UK would be lifted for up to 6 months. Popular Southend MP David Amess was stabbed to death at his surgery in Leigh-on-Sea. 25 year old Ali Harbi Ali was arrested. Another success for the ‘prevent’ agenda – not! I predicted calls for protection for MPs out in the community would finally be acted on because he was a tory, albeit a nice one.
Extreme tiredness led to improved sleep over the weekend but insufficient to make up the deficit, I stayed home. Saturday, I cleared overgrowth near the garden. Phil went to the shop and reported the corner pub heaving with punters wedged like sardines. Sunday, I installed the Halloween tree, wrote a haiga using a picture from last week’s visit to the cloughii and took photos of our fuchsia – still blooming and buzzing with bees.
As anticipated, Patel came on Marr to say there would be measures to protect MPs in their constituencies, after a review overseen by Lindsay Hoyle. Ambassador Andrei Kelin told him Russia could do more to help with the gas crisis if their Nord Stream 2 pipeline was approved. He didn’t mention that with only 29% vaccinated, Russia experienced a record number of covid cases and around 1,000 deaths per day over the weekend. At Newcastle United’s first game since a Saudi take-over earlier in the month, human rights activists parked a van displaying murdered Jamal Khashoggi outside St. James’ Park. Toon fans may have thought anyone was better than Rick Astley, but others saw it as sports-washing.
*RCGP – Royal College of General Practitioners, not the Revolutionary Communist Party (if they’re still a thing)
The Corvus Diaries 