Corvus Bulletin 11:Mind Your Pi’s and Rho’s (Covid Inquiry June-Dec 2023)

“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)

The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22^nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.

Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.

On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.

Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.

At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2^nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18^th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!

Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.

The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.

As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.

The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.

All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.

Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”

Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.

Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.

Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.

Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.

On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.

Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.

In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.

Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11^th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!

Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.

The NHS’ 75^th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.

*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:

Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)

Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).

**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘

Corvus Bulletin 3: Bumper Anniversary Edition

“This was a day for ambition…but…the Tory cupboard is as bare as the salad aisle in our supermarket. The lettuces may be out, but the turnips are in” (Keir Starmer)

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

ONS figures released at the start of Mach were as frosty as the weather. Wages no longer rising as fast, 2.52 million were on long-term sick. Unemployment still low, there were slightly less vacancies. The UK avoiding a ‘technical recession’ 2023 according to the OBR, there’d be 0.2% less growth. On budget day, Abba’s Money, Money, Money drowned out reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street before The C**t emerged. Taking credit for an expected drop in inflation, he began an interminable statement by echoing Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (the film that swept the Oscars), promising a pile of ‘E’s – enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. Not listing energy, he extended the price cap until June, pledged to bring pre-payment charges in line with direct debits, gave funds to leisure centres and local groups towards their bills, and froze fuel duty for 12 months. More tax on wine from August, a so-called ‘Brexit pubs guarantee’ meant less duty on draught beer, covering Northern Ireland, thanks to the Windsor Framework. ‘Brexit freedoms’ also allowed a ‘near-automatic sign-off’ of new medicines. More dosh for looked-after children, care leavers and potholes, a measly £10m was given to suicide prevention. Wraparound childcare wouldn’t kick in until after the next election. He announced a second round of city region transport funding and extra money for Levelling Up partnerships, investment zones to create 12 ‘Canary Wharfs’ in areas like Manchester and West Yorks, for which they’d need to bid. I doubted it would mollify Yorkshire grandees. Incensed at getting Levelling Up round 1 dosh but not in round 2 mid-February, they whinged the goalposts moved after they submitted bids they were encouraged to write.

Intent on making us all work, he was abolishing the work capability assessment. It would be voluntary for disabled people to find jobs with support for workers suffering mental health and back problems before they left employment. On the other hand, UC claimants with no health issues faced more coaching, more rigorous sanctions and an increased threshold of 18 hours a week. Not hearing anything about ESA, I later discovered an end to sickness top-ups if ineligible for PIP from 2026. Targeting the over 50’s, there were ‘3 steps’ to make working longer easier: enhanced DWP mid-life MOT’s; new apprenticeships (aka returnerships); and increased pension tax allowance with abolition of the lifetime limit.

As per Pat Vallance’s recommendations, a ‘quantum strategy’ involved an AI sandbox, an ‘exascale’* computer and a £1m annual Manchester prize. Worth a mere £2.5bn, did they know how much that tech stuff actually cost?

Nuclear magically classed as environmental, Great British Nuclear aimed to generate a quarter of our leccy by 2050. Pitifully underwhelmingly in light of the IPPC report on an increasingly warmer world, Guterres said there was just about time to reverse climate change if we did ‘everything, everywhere, all at once’.

In place of witty Reeves, Keir responded there was nothing to tackle crime, NHS waiting times or the housing crisis, leaving the UK the sick man of Europe, stuck in the waiting room with only a sticking plaster and more disguised tax hikes. Referencing turnips, he obviously hadn’t heard we didn’t grow them anymore!

Liberals pointed to inflated high energy and food costs and the OBR reckoned we still faced the biggest ever fall in living standards. Timed to coincide with The C**t’s missive, strikers marched through London to rally in Trafalgar Square. The biggest walkout so far entailed doctors, teachers, civil servants, London underground staff and BBC journos, affecting regional evening news. I turned over from Fatty Dimmock to ITV. Having interviewed The C**t, Robert Pessimist said there was no way the budget could be seen as a giveaway, except scrapping the pensions cap, benefitting the rich. Not much for the rest of us, impact analysis by The Resolution Foundation showed the poorest would be better off and middle and high earners worse off. How did they work that out? Later in the month, their research revealed the true cost of a widening productivity gap compared to other European countries and ‘unprecedented’ 15 years’ wage stagnation; if wages had grown the same as before the 2008 crash, workers would earn an extra £11,000 p.a.

Party Games

At the start of March, Cock Covid Diary collaborator Isabel Oakeshott, leaked 100,000 WhatsApp messages to the Torygraph. Revelations suggested the then Health sec didn’t follow Chris Witless’ advice spring 2020. On the morning of 14^th April, Witless advised testing everyone entering care homes. By evening, official guidance changed to cover only patients discharged from hospital. The Cock furious, a spokesman claimed messages were ‘doctored and stolen to create a false story’: with insufficient testing capacity, they had to prioritise. Accused of breaking NDA, Isabel insisted the leaks were in the public interest. Countering they weren’t, The Cock railed they formed part of her anti-lockdown agenda. She asked Newscast, “what even is that?” Had she forgotten the demos? She didn’t worry about never again being trusted as she was good at what she did –Yep, good at playing the game, getting men to tell her secrets and promoting herself! In messages published over the next few days, we learnt The Cock dithered over whether he’d broke rules snogging Gina Colander, and resisting lockdown up to a week before its imposition, Boris subsequently ranted militantly on social distancing July 2020, a month after the birthday party he was fined for. Also, The Salesman called teachers’ unions a ‘bunch of arses’ who hated work. Mary Bousted retorted he was ‘out of his depth’ during the pandemic.

At PMQs, Keir harped on energy bills and massive profits before referencing the leaks, asking Rishi to assure the house of no more covid enquiry delays. The PM responded with the usual: we should let them get on and do their job.

On March 3^rd, The privileges committee partygate investigation preliminary report, concluded Boris misled parliament multiple times. The Bumbler retorted there was no proof. Calling the report damning, Keir caused a row by offering Sue Gray the job of labour chief of staff. Doing the Sunday morning rounds, Chris Heaton-Harris laughably called Boris ‘100%’ a man of integrity. On 21^st,Boris’ partygate evidence was released, predictably alleging it was all his adviser’s fault. The next day, he faced the committee, with a new haircut. After a rare oath-taking, he told them he believed gatherings were essential, his statements to the commons were made in good faith, it was nonsense that he didn’t take proper advice and, after losing his shit, thanked them for a ‘useful’ discussion – to much guffawing. A good day to bury other news, Rishi’s long-promised tax details revealed he paid ½m 2022 and 1m since 2019. Keir paying £118,580 over 2 years, he was accused by toires of hypocrisy for benefitting from the pension tax break, which he’d vowed to ditch

The Ripple Effect

23^rd March marked the 3^rd anniversary of lockdown #1. No mention on main news channels, the ripples of coronavirus continued to be felt. Metro revealed a 134% increase in ‘ghost kids’ missing school and Look North reported on the emotional impact with more young kids needing pastoral support. Patients in the region still dying (49 the previous week), 1.5 million suffered from long-covid. Prof Dinesh Saralaya of Bradford Hospitals who took part in several vaccine and treatment trials, warned covid hadn’t gone away and Prof John Wright of The Bradford Institute of Health Research said it would be with us forever. Providing the analogy of the after-effects of an earthquake, he described layers of those affected by death, long covid and recession. On the plus side, they’d learnt a lot so were better prepared for future mutations or viruses. It was easy to forget how lethal and scary it was 3 years ago, but we should celebrate the sense of community and connectedness it engendered.

As the clocks changed for BST, NAO revealed £1.4 billion worth of PPE was incinerated and £21bn lost to fraud. As Lithuanians were convicted of grifting £10m from the covid loan scheme, government pointed out they’d set up the Public Sector Fraud Authority. But it was criticised for ineffectiveness across departments. Amid reported tension between The Treasury and DWP, Mel Stride announced a delay in raising the pension age to 68 – because of unpopularity before the next general election, a drop in life expectancy, or more elderly people leaving the labour market post-covid?

Margaret Ferrier MP faced 30 days’ suspension from the house for breaking lockdown rules in September 2020. She later launched an appeal.

A Canadian review of 137 global studies published in the BMJ, found minimal changes in mental health during the pandemic and ‘more resilience’ than assumed but raised concerns that women suffered more due to care responsibilities and domestic violence. The FBI chief decided covid originated in a Wuhan government-controlled lab after all. The US legislature later voted to declassify all documents on the analysis of coronavirus. As Covid Diary workshop participants observed, it all seemed really weird now. Maybe they should let it lie!

*A very big computer

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Papers 3: The Rocky Horror Show

“To use a non-technical term, that’s pretty much bollocks” (Gillian Tett)

Unknowable

Saturday breakfast stressful, Phil took over. Accusations of inefficiency were a tad unfair given his new job. Still doing extra hours, he didn’t know for how long, but at least he enjoyed my lamb tagine after late weekend shifts. “I should hope so! I made it special so you’d have something tasty and warm.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t help with fatigue. Tired for different reasons, I pushed myself along the canal and round the park Sunday, found flowers and foliage, an edible apple among munched windfall and the squat boarded up. They Anarchists were gone by November. In the co-op, I got reduced items and a cheery greeting from Geordie ex-neighbour. Back home, I developed a headache but at least I’d had fresh air.

About to bathe Monday morning, Phil said I should’ve done so an hour ago. “Fascist!” I wrote until unable to focus and fuggy-headed and did yoga. Waking lots early Tuesday, I ended up oversleeping and became despondent at so many chores to do. Needing supplies again, I headed out. The alt therapy woman walked a few paces ahead, engrossed on her mobile and waving imperiously. In the co-op, she curated her basket in a way suggesting she wasn’t struggling like some of us – strawberries in October, FFS! A man fiddling under chiller shelves meant I couldn’t even get basic veg but did find a large bottle of cooking oil cheaper. Calling the surgery again, the answerphone said they were shut for staff training with no info as to when they’d re-open. Phil got home for a late lunch, saying he’d brought the rain with him. “Don’t sing another song!” Radio 2 on all day in The Store, he couldn’t help himself.

Pouring all night, low mood made it hard to be bothered about anything on a damp Wednesday. Phil again harassed me into bathing then interrupted my writing to say he’d better get ready for work. I’d forgot he was starting early, hastened lunch, and visited Walking Friend. The pretty fallen leaves made the steep steps slippy even in sturdy boots. I found her knitting, handed over the clean scrunchy and listened to her work woes over a cup of Earl Grey. Martin Green of Care England said without a complete restructure of the social care system, millions could be left without support and the NHS would be ‘on its knees’, so I wasn’t surprised to hear of low morale, exacerbated by increased workloads and pointless online training. I made suggestions and diverted her with other topics, when a text arrived saying she had a staff meeting on her day off. “You always have a choice, you could walk into another job tomorrow if you wanted.” I shared what I’d learnt about state pension eligibility to discover she wasn’t paying National Insurance. Now also on a low wage, Phil agreed the system was rigged to disenfranchise people and she should opt back in. Feeling sleepy, I accepted a second cuppa before dodging dog-walkers on the steps. Phil slept in the next 2 days. I took over breakfast apple art. Gracious about the browning butterflies Thursday, he unkindly laughed at Friday’s effort.

Having arranged to meet at The Tearooms, Walking Friend cancelled to hike with The Poet. We decided to go out anyway. I went ahead to buy cinema tickets for the first time in 3 years. Unable to process an extra discount at the box-office, they said they no longer recognised the PTL orange dot. Who knew what it was good for now? They kindly granted me the concession and gave me a CCA form for next time but I was ineligible – quelle surprise! I hung around for Phil and we perused the Greasy Spoon menu. Unsure if they served all-day brekkie, we opted for pies instead, listening sympathetically to Deli Woman’s travails of filling a vacancy. You just couldn’t get the staff nowadays! We ate in the park and ascended to woodland. A bumper year for conkers, we found none but plenty of toadstools (see Cool Placesⁱ). On a wet and grey Friday, I did boring admin and the weekend shop. Phil went to the kiosk while I paid at the till. The reader wouldn’t scan my MasterCard or accept the PIN for some unknown reason. As a man stood right behind me, I got flustered, lost confidence in knowing the number and used a different card. In my panic, I missed Phil sneakily picking up all the bags which he insisted on carrying as practice for work.

Baroness Halibut promised victims would be at the heart of the covid public inquiry. Rising 14% in a week, it was unknown if 1.3m cases was a winter wave. Increasing among over 70’s, we should avoid the vulnerable and get boosted. Of 1 million Brits with long-covid, 514,000 had it for 2 years. Growing since lockdowns, Councillor Friend told Look North there’d be changes to hazardous street furniture in Toy Town. Ostensibly turning pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Girls Aloud launched Primark nightwear.

Larry the cat eschewed a stroking from Trussed-Up as she met the Danish PM outside Number 10. In Brum for the tory conference, she admitted to Laura K the kamikaze budget caused disruption, and shock announcements could’ve been handled better but repeated it was everyone else’s fault, threw Kwasi Modo under the bus saying he decided to scrap the top income tax rate and attend a hedge fund managers’ champagne reception the evening before the pound tanked: ‘I don’t control his diary’. She didn’t mention Melton Mowbray pork pies going under. NOT taking back control of pork markets? That. Is. A. Disgrace!

Noncommittal on benefit cuts, she said Coffee-Cup was looking at it and Kwasi was sorting everything else. The Glove-puppet and Shatts both lambasted ‘Trussonomics’; the latter predicting a commons revolt. A U-turn on the top tax rate and release of forecasts came after a late-night meeting. Only knocking £2bn off the bill and other unknowns in the pipeline, markets remained jittery. Having a tough Monday, Kwasi reiterated commitment to growth, evaded a direct apology but ‘humbly’ accepted cutting high earner’s taxes was ill-judged. Meanwhile, Tory chair Jake Berry told Sky News the answer to soaring bills was to ‘either cut consumption, get a higher salary or go out there and get that new job.’ Chris Bryant retorted: ‘Do tories think people haven’t tried this?’ Division in the ranks, Mordor said benefits should go up with inflation rather than wages, Swellen accused them of coup-plotting and Trussed-Up repeated they hadn’t decided before posing in a hard hat and Hi-Viz at a Selly Oak factory. At fringe meetings, Swellen couldn’t wait to deny migrants arriving in dinghies the right to seek asylum: it was her dream to see a plane-load heading for Rwanda on The Torygraph cover before Christmas! POA called Manston processing centre a ‘pressure cooker’, with channel-crossers illegally held for a week rather than 48 hours, running out of food and water and police called. Rees-Moggy urged shoppers to ignore a new law banning sweets near supermarket tills to save the choc orange. Good to see him focused on important issues, he probably disapproved of Quality Street ditching iconic plastic wrappers too!

Striking Post office staff were joined later in the week by 999 call-handlers. Yorkshire bus services cut, government capitulated on Northern Poorhouse rail going to Bradford. South Eastern would axe first-class carriages and water jets would clear pesky autumn leaves from Northern Rail lines in Yorkshire but not here. Warned it needed to ‘drastically improve services’, Avanti West Coast was given a 6-month extension. How bad did they have to be to lose the franchise? Tories left Brum early Wednesday before Trussed-Up’s address. Allegedly due to the biggest rail strike yet, postponed from September, or because they were fed up of the febrile atmosphere. Playing dress-up in a red frock like Emma Thompson’s Years and Years right-wing PM, Truss said she was willing to take difficult decisions to get the economy moving and change meant disruption but would benefit everyone. The short-lived abolition of the top tax rate a ‘distraction’, she’d listened to people and wouldn’t allow the ‘anti-growth coalition’ to hold her back. She sounded like a right tin-foiler, lumping together Labour, Lid Dems, ‘militant’ unions, Brexit-deniers, XR and Greenpeace (who were ejected for intrusion) and aped Thatcher saying they were ‘wrong, wrong, wrong’. Cabinet ministers cock-a-hoop, M People founder Mike Pickering was ‘livid’ at her entrance to Moving On Up, advising she heed the lyrics: ‘go and pack your bags and get out.’ Jeffrey Archer told Jeremy Vine she picked ministers based on friendship not talent, unlike Thatcher who only had 4 mates in Cabinet. Conor Burns was sacked as trade minister for serious misconduct (inappropriate behaviour towards a young man at conference). He’d ‘fully co-operate’ with an inquiry to clear his name. Spice Girl Mel B tweeted: ‘Really?? Your shocked about this complaint??? Let me remind you what you said me in lift…’ Not knowing if it was arrogance or disrespect, Nicola Sturgeon complained it was ‘absurd’ Truss hadn’t rung a month into the job.

Dropping over summer, Fareshare urged supermarkets to donate more surplus food. It’d be better if government faced the fact that people couldn’t afford groceries. Prices soaring, service sector growth stalled, Tesco half-year profits fell 10% and average mortgage interest reached a 14 year high 6.07%. The IFS predicting Trussonomics would make 99% worse off, Shell boss Ben van Beurden wanted to be taxed more to prevent damage to ‘significant parts of society’. Later revealing last quarter profits of £8.2bn (a £26bn total for 2022 so far), they’d paid no windfall tax as profits weren’t technically made in the UK. Amidst unknown variables, Ofgem warned of a winter gas emergency and prepared scenarios (rationing and blackouts). National Grid later said it’d probably be alright and On QT, Nads Zahawi said 3-hour outages were a worst case scenario. Why scaremonger then? Not wishing to tell us what to do, Downing Street refused to launch a public info campaign, but telly ads appeared the following week. Northern PowerGrid e-mailed a priority list and onesie sales rocketed. As Nads said inflation was all Putin’s fault, Piers Morgan had heard it all; even the dead queen was more culpable of crashing the economy than tories! Also delayed by Queenie dying, Kingy and Camilla went to Dunblane as the erstwhile Scottish capital was belatedly conferred city status. Despite the sham poll, Ukrainians retook the town of Lyman in Donetsk. Bags of drugs labelled Dior turned up on a Welsh beach. Cocaine galore!

Trick or Cheat?

Overnight rain led to window condensation Saturday. Not dispersing in sunshine, the chamois turned black doing the box room. Phil admitted it needed a proper clean. Despite moderate drinking, I had a slight headache. After coffee, Phil asked had I got over my binge – ha, ha! He agreed it wasn’t ideal working weekends but it did get us out of the habit of wine-drinking every Friday and feeling crap Saturdays. Taking an age to do blogs amid brightness and interruptions, I lost my thread, got angry, developed head fug and considered gardening when a cool wind arrived. Phil’s haircutting stalled when the clippers broke again. We thought we might need a trip to Big Town for new ones. We ate a hasty dinner to find the cinema had tricked us on the start time. I bought tiny cans of beer from The Oil Painter, remarking on artists resorting to menial jobs – It’s a shit business! We took our booked seats to watch a parade of ads and trailers before the main feature, Moonage Daydream. While some montages were a bit weird and tracks truncated, the David Bowie doc wasn’t the mish-mash Phil expected. I advised he stop reading Guardian reviews. Unseen footage featured La La La Human Steps practicing dance moves. Phil reckoned Bowie turned up to play 2 notes at their performance we saw years ago. So I had seen Bowie live and didn’t know it. “Now you tell me!” It was Phil’s turn to feel fuzzy Sunday. Was it the small beer or the brightly-colourful cinematic experience messing with his head? As he prepared for a late shift, I headed to town, hailed The Woman Next Door with a man near the old bridge, collected fallen leaves and went to an art exhibition. Hoping to see Welsh Art Friend, I saw only The Printer. We discussed her seaside prints until some of her mates turned up. I went charity shopping for books, DVDs and a throw. Phil brought home out-of-date bread destined for the bin.

Waking with a claggy throat Monday, I made soothing porridge, forgot spoons and irritated Phil straightening out bedding. A bad start to the week, I soldiered on, washed the throw to dry quickly on the line, getting knackered clambering up and down stairs. Tuesday, I cleaned rusty marks from plumbing tools on the landing windowsill. I left them upstairs to adjust the stiff bath tap but when Phil returned from an early shift, he tetchily blamed my technique. “Don’t talk to me like that!” “Okay, I’ll have a look.” A cricket landed on me at the co-op ATM. As I attempted a rescue, the small queue crowded round. “Is it a grasshopper?” Only in Toy Town – I’d be tutted at in the city! Inside, my namesake hunted for reduced face cream when a colleague said she’d bought it all. What a mean trick! A group of lanyard-wearing teenagers laughed in the aisles, ironically singing ‘praise Jesus’. I lugged the heavy, pricey items home as Phil got back, yawning and sighing: “I’m tired.” “Really? I wasn’t getting that!”

Early Wednesday, a niggly nose joined the sore throat. Succumbing to illness, I took Echinacea and sucked a pastille. Phil eventually asked what was wrong. “It could be the cold you’ve been in denial about all week.” “It’s not a cold, it’s a cough.” “Well, it could be the usual sinus lark. I haven’t had it for 3 months.” I wondered if the record gap was due to more antibodies, the hot dry summer, or DIY. “Doing stuff is good.” “Yeah, but I’ve felt iffy a few times since. Maybe it was bubbling under. I’m staying abed so don’t hassle me, but I need a bath.” “You’ll have to get up for that.” Cleansed, I fetched coffee and the laptop and watched PMQs. Absurdly only Trussed-Up’s second began with tributes to David Amess a year since his murder and 10 victims of a petrol station explosion in Creeslough Donegal. A backbencher guessed spooking the markets was incompetent not malevolent, but reneging on no-fault evictions was vicious. A less forgiving Keir asked if Truss agreed with Rees-Moggy telling us the crisis was nowt to do with her fiscal plans. She replied with the usual guff on taking decisive action, protecting the economy, higher growth and lower inflation. Kier spluttered she was lost in denial, with mortgages sky-rocketing, the public wouldn’t forgive or forget and nor should they; it was time to stop the kamikaze budget causing so much pain. After parroting herself, she blamed Vlad for global price rises, Keir for not supporting the energy price guarantee (he reminded her it was initially labour’s idea) and said he had a Damascus moment supporting the National Insurance reversal (which he always opposed). Asked if she’d stick to no cuts, she promised to spend wisely instead. One step behind the Shell boss on windfall taxes, he wondered why she insisted on tax cuts for the rich? After more resay, she whinged his union mates stopped people getting to work. Ian Blackford asked if the incompetent PM would give up her plan to save the chancellor by scapegoating the BOE – completely losing control, the only things growing were mortgages, rents and bills; was that what she meant by growing the economy? As she threw queries back (unchallenged by The Speaker who scolded Boris all the time for that), Blackford sniped if she wanted to ask him questions, they could swap places, to much mirth.

Phil fed me cute cheese on toast faces, like a nursery tea. Unable to go to Big Town, I spent ages ordering from the cranky Boots website A singing Phil irksomely woke me at 5.50 a.m. Thursday. I slept fitfully until 9, cleaned the bedroom and doubled up the long and narrow new throw into a bedspread. Hot, tired and legs leaden, I worked on blogs. About to upload, the laptop decided there was no internet. I turned it off and waited eons for stupid MS to update and re-start, only to be bugged again the next day. Phil returned from a shelf- stacking shift wearing his lovely new logoed sweatshirt (he had a fleece too). After resting, he asked if he’d missed any news. “Tories saying we’re all doomed!” Friday, lovely orangey-pink dawn clouds tempted me up. Phil offered to help with the weekend shop. With a short list, I said I’d be ok, but it was an ordeal with heavy bags and the reader not authorising my card again. Oblivious to my huffing and puffing, Phil went to work and I went back to bed. Getting home promptly from the late shift, he didn’t know why they bothered for a few drunks and stoners.

Kuoni’s Thai bookings 87% higher than pre-pandemic levels, covid tripled during a week-long Chinese holiday, meaning more lockdowns and travel restrictions. 1.7m infected by the UK’s 4^th wave this year, admissions increased 76% and 30% caught it in hospital, like in 2020. Stephen Griffin of Indy Sage fretted about NHS pressure. Reasonable uptake of autumn boosters, all over 50’s could book one (in theory) but Griffin wanted more eligibility.

NAO’s latest assessment put covid support losses at £4.5bn. PAC chair Meg Hillier urged government ‘get a grip‘ on fraud and loose controls. David Jason revealed he couldn’t move his limbs when he collapsed with covid during the summer.

ONS data showed wages fell 2.9% in real terms. Banker’s bonuses rising twice as fast since the 2008 crash, The TUC said government should raise the minimum wage to £15, give public sector workers more and encourage fair pay deals for others. Acknowledging the gap, a wheeled out Coffee-Cup repeated the hollow mantra of helping families with the cost of living. Unemployment at 3.5% but record vacancies, people were too ill or stopped applying for hard low-wage jobs like social care. CQC found 300,000 empty posts, leaving 1 million needy adults without care and 3 in 5 blocking hospital beds. As the economy shrank, consumers bought wonky fruit and veg, air fryers, electric dryers and candles, cutting bills and risking fire. School meal costs up 30% and 91% of providers experiencing food shortages, Laca wanted more money for a sector ‘on its knees’. Promising ideas on how and support, Ofgem ridiculously advised we reduce energy consumption. French EDF and Total workers on strike, Micron said they should be paid more. While M&S sped up closure of 110 larger stores, Pret A Manger staff would get a third pay rise of 5% in December. Strikes into a second week, Hull Stagecoach drivers paid less than colleagues in other regions were offered 14%, They wanted 17%. ACAS fruitlessly stepped in but Network Rail’s Tim Shovellor saw a glimmer of hope in talks with unions. Rejecting 2% and a £345 lump sum, Environment Agency staff were balloted.

In Scotland for the SNP conference, ex-chancellor Alistair Darling told Laura K. the government’s actions were ‘a textbook example of everything you shouldn’t do in difficult times’, economic turmoil was self-inflicted, they trashed the UK’s reputation and cost us dear. Nads Zahawi called Sturgeon saying she detested tories and everything they stood for, ‘really dangerous language’. Good grief! It’d be hate speech to hate Fascists next! He advised the ranks unite behind Truss, or risk a hideous labour/SNP coalition. Jon Ashworth spluttered that was ‘complete and utter nonsense and desperate.’ Vowing to hold a ref 19^th October 2023, Sturgeon told conference independence was vital with labour: “willing to chuck Scotland under Boris Johnson’s Brexit bus to get the keys to Downing Street.” In The House, the government won the National Insurance vote but select committee chair Mel Stride, warned Kwasi Modo he had to win over MPs to prevent more alarm. Dubbed ’Operation Re-assurance’, Modo’s growth plan and the OBR’s economic assessment were forwarded a month to 31^st October. Halloween too late to settle spooked markets, Rayner tweeted it was more like Trick or Cheat: ‘the tory horror show rattles on’. IFS reckoned they needed £60bn in spending cuts, Citigroup predicted a worse crisis than 1976 and we observed tories were always in power when the lights went out! Meanwhile, Trussed-Up went to play footie with the Lionesses.

Accepting the global energy crisis affected Europe more, the IMF again criticised Modo’s plans as a slow-down would follow any short-term growth, and likened the UK government and BOE to 2 drivers ‘trying to steer the car in different directions’. Aides combing through the mini-budget line by line to see what could be changed, a cap on renewable energy firm revenues was mooted – not a windfall tax thus not a U-turn. Phil reckoned non-renewables weren’t covered as a sop to their rich mates. BOE bought more gilts to prop up the shambling economy but wouldn’t extend the scheme beyond Friday. The pound plummeted. Modo blamed the war and pension funds for risky purchases. Err, that’d be dodgy government bonds then, you moron! Rachel Reeves hit back: “This is a British crisis made in Downing Street. No other government is sabotaging their own country’s economic credibility…”

Rees-Moggy accused Michal Hussein of breaching BBC impartiality saying the mini-budget crashed the economy and gaslighted the BOE for not raising interest rates enough. FT journalist Gillian Tett told Channel 4 news: “‘to use a non-technical term, that’s pretty much bollocks.” He was also contradicted by Kwasi Modo at the IMF in Washington Thursday. Admitting he’d made markets nervous, he wasn’t going anywhere as the G7 all had similar problems. IMF MD Kristalina Georgieva told him and Andrew Bailey they needed clear policy coherence and communication to prevent more jitters in a jittery environment: “fiscal policy should not undermine monetary policy…(or) the task of monetary policy…becomes harder and it translates into…further increases of rates and tightening of financial conditions…If the evidence is that you need to recalibrate, don’t prolong the pain.” A cacophony of backbenchers screaming: ‘it’s checkmate’, ‘we’re stuffed’, ‘it’s dire’, ‘we’re done for’ and frantic calls across the pond, Modo hid in the toilet then flew back to London. Traders betted on a U-turn, Kwasi gone by the weekend and Trussed-Up finished within weeks. James Uncleverly said it’d be a bad idea and Alistair Campbell said an out-of-depth Truss couldn’t do the job. She went to see Kingy, who chortled: ‘Back again? Dear, oh dear!’ and sacked Modo Friday, making The C**t the fourth chancellor since July. Saying they’d moved too fast, they kept the corporation tax rise, as Rishi planned. Spreadsheet Phil reproached them for throwing away years of hard work and Reeves said: “Another change isn’t the answer…it’s time for a labour government.”

On a lighter note, Coffee-Cup evaded questions on scrapping smoke free targets, saying she was concentrating on her ABCD. Blood transfusion levels critical, B should stand for ‘blood’. Wes Streeting called her ‘clueless and hopeless’. Artist robot Ai-Da answered pre-prepared questions in The Lords saying AI in creative industries were a threat and an opportunity. NZ proposed a tax on animal burps and pee. Did they not want food production? Farmers later held street demos. Staid conservation groups the National Trust, RSPB and Wildlife Trusts united to protest violation of the countryside, write letters and ‘all options on the table’, didn’t rule out direct action. Motorists dragged Just Stop Oil protestors off London roads, 24 were arrested and 1 went to hospital. 300 involved by the 11^th day of action, an irate electric taxi driver told road-blockers he was doing his bit. As they blocked The Mall, Mark Rowley said they’d not yet caused sufficient ‘serious disruption’ to warrant forcible removal. Anglian Water planned to build the UK’s first new reservoir in 30 years. About bloody time!

Cops co-ordinated operations to smash 172 county lines, find 321 weapons and £2.7m in drugs and make 1.360 arrests, including for modern slavery. The Met investigated 625 sex and domestic abuse claims. Ahead of Asylum Aid’s Rwanda High Court hearing, 1,604 channel crossings Sunday-Monday made 2,232 for the month and 35,000 for the year. In a dig at Giorgio Melon, Popeye called the exclusion of migrants ‘scandalous, disgusting and sinful’. Saturday, The Kerch Bridge linking Russia to Crimea, blew up when an exploding lorry set oil tankers alight. Vlad ordered a full investigation and Russian media blamed Ukrainian ‘terrorists’. Err, there’s a war on! Retaliative shelling of Ukrainian cities including Kyiv and memes of battle dolphins ensued. The bridge was fixed by Wednesday and 8 suspects detained. Japan’s Epsilon 6 rocket was ordered to self-destruct after launch. JAXA apologised and investigated. X-ray radiation from a gamma ray, the brightest ever discovered, still emitted an afterglow of rings weeks later. One-time WRP member Vanessa REDrgave became a dame, Ant & Dec missed yet another NTA due to covid, and Gaslight inventor Angela Lansbury died. Glasgow cheated, Liverpool would host Eurovision 2023.

Jokers and Wasters

Saturday, Phil joked: “Is she gone yet?” “No, but The C**t was on BBC Breakfast.” Marking an end to Trussonomics, he said they’d be judged on the next 18 months, not the past 18 weeks, blamed the usual culprits of the war and energy meaning no fast tax cuts or increased spending and all departments making efficiency savings. 4 chancellors since July (Saj, Nads, Kwasi Modo, The C**t), resembled the 4 stooges. “They’re running out of credible people. If it goes on like this, I envisage a crap Netflix.” “Yep. The Downfall UK. A satirical comedy with fake ‘where are they now’s’ at the end: in a loony bin; in the sea; in an Amazon warehouse; working for Deliveroo!” “I bet lots of them red-wallers want it to end so they can go back to sane jobs.” Still ailing, I tried not to be depressed as sun chased away a watery chill to reveal a lovely autumn window scene, posted the final Scarborough blog and figured a way to share it on Insta (see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ). Wearier and achier Sunday, I stayed abed reading and writing. My Valley Life article buried among the ads, kind words from Phil and Decorating neighbour dissuaded me from packing it in next year. Phil returned from the late shift with sausages and mini brownies. Tussling brightness and indigestion, I took Gaviscon, drew curtains left open by Phil and used the meditation soundtrack to drift into bad sleep.

Monday, I felt like I’d been hit round the head. Ignoring my pleas to delay chores, Phil accepted the Boots delivery and assembled rubbish. I unpacked toiletries, added cardboard to the pile and went back to bed. He brought me brownies with the coffee. “I don’t want them,” I snapped. As he took them away, I apologised: “It’s not you, it’s depression at still being ill, especially in nice weather.” I posted September’s journal entry while he went to the co-op and work, bringing home food rescued from waste. Grateful for any freebies, I could’ve done with the ready salads earlier. Hot flushes added to another crap night. My nose running Tuesday, Phil asked: “Are you still sniffly?” “Yes, but the fatigue is worse.” “Cheer up.” “No!” “I’ll pull funny faces.” “God no!” My mind wandering until he made moves, I leapt up to sort washing for him to add work clothes, bathed, ignored kitchen clutter and plodded back up with coffee. Too hot and bright to write with sun streaming in, I’d had enough of being bedbound, opened the window, put a dress on and went down for lunch. Phil related tales from The Store, explaining how well-packed herbs sometimes arrived damaged. Otherwise, there was little waste. I thought it’d reduced loads over the past 2 years, but declared it enough shop talk. “I literally am talking shop!” I joined him on a short canal walk in mellowing light, returning with backache and jelly-legs but cheerierⁱ.

Woken Wednesday by Phil rising for work and noisy traffic, I ignored aches and fatigue for some exercise and tidying before PMQs. Going on errands, I noted an unlocked front door and a felled trellis, hastened to town in a nithering wind and spotted Phil leaving The Store. As I tried catching up, he moved uncannily fast after a long shift, into the sweet shop. “Gotcher!” “No you haven’t. It’s for someone else.” Walking home, I imparted the bad trellis news. “Pah! Call that bad news?” He tied it up, then panicked over his mislaid phone “You need to eat.” “I can’t think about that now!” “I’ll ring it for you.” “It’s on silent so that’s no good.” I called the number. It vibrated. “See, no need for all that stress!” Thursday, I dithered over shopping. Trees across the valley making rain clouds, it was too foul for the market, so it was the co-op again. Having noticed the microwave clock at zero for the second time that week, a short power-cut was confirmed by half-empty shelves. You’d never get that level of waste in the Store! I eschewed outrageously-priced toiletries, miserably slogged home and went back to bed.

Text reminders told us to book covid boosters with a GP or local pharmacy. Finally getting his shift patterns, I rang Friday. 6^th in the queue, I actually managed to get slots early November but we couldn’t go due to colds. I also asked about HRT. The nice receptionist sent the doctor a ‘task’, advising I call back Monday. Waitrose reported increased fish-head and lamb neck sales for use in slow cookers. We couldn’t decide whether to buy one. Eating the last of my birthday chocolates, Phil whined that he’d not had as many. “Excuse me. You can’t buy me chocs then whinge you’ve been diddled!” But I gave him the last one.

High covid levels peaked but deaths were up to 400 week ending October 7^th, ahead of winter, adding to NHS pressure. The Moderna bivalent vaccine was found to be ‘good’ for a mere 3 months. Speaking to Laura K., the couple who developed the BioNTech version, still wore masks and advised we all did, especially if mixing with travellers. Building on what they’d learnt, they hoped for a cancer vaccine by 2030.

Laura asked The Cock if Truss should go. He replied a reshuffle was needed to make use of backbench ‘talent’(!) but nobody wanted another protracted leadership race. No: some wanted Rishi, some wanted Boris and Unison’s Christina McAnea wanted a general election. Depressed public sector pay could mean 1 million taking co-ordinated action. Nasty rhetoric and Therese Coffee-Cup telling nurses fed-up of the NHS to leave, didn’t help. If they got more, they’d spend it in local shops and Tesco. UK GDP 30 places behind Ireland, Tesco Boss did what he could to help customers and 300,000 shopfloor staff. Uncle Joe licked ice cream in Oregon. ‘Sick and tired’ of trickle-down economics, he disagreed with tax cuts for the super-wealthy but that was up to Britain. EU newspapers compared the UK to loser countries and Rob Halfon accused government of acting like ‘Libertarian Jihadists’ with us as guinea pigs. Yes, in an experiment based on ‘Britannia Unchained’ by Truss et al of the Thatcherite Free Enterprise Group. No costings or income streams apart from borrowing, made it a wish list, not a budget. Post-Brexit, post-covid, soaring energy costs, rampant inflation and a recession looming, it was the worst time for their madcap free market drivel*.

After a weekend ensconced at Chequers, Truss tried to shore up ministerial support and The C**t tried settling markets by scrapping all Kwasi’s measures except National Insurance and stamp duty cuts, bigger bankers’ bonuses, and, irresponsible to expose government to price volatility, muted an end to the energy cap in April. No benefit increases until then, ‘eye-watering’ cost-savings and more ‘difficult decisions’ on spending to come, everything was on the table. Borrowing still higher than before the kamikaze budget, the IFS and Sturgeon feared a return to austerity and Keir attempted to haul Truss in for urgent questions over long-term damage. Sent in her stead, Mordor said through gritted teeth, her boss was ‘detained on urgent business’. Amid the derision, Stella Creasy joked she hid under the desk. She actually met Graham Brady then shuffled onto the frontbench at 4.30. It wouldn’t be long ‘til she shuffled off again. Chris Mason asked was Rishi right? She replied she was sorry, had to reflect, ensure economic stability and advised fellow tories to not spend tough times talking about the party.

At PMQs, Justin Madders wondered why Truss sacked Kwasi Modo and not herself? She parroted an apology and guff on delivery. Keir wittily cited a Truss biography. Out by Christmas, was that the release date or the title? In fact, she was out by November**. Spouting crap, she said she’d taken more action than him after 2½ years in the job (err, he wasn’t the PM!) He queried how she could be held to account when she wasn’t in charge and the point of making promises that didn’t last a week – cuts loomed for one reason only; they crashed the economy but her only response was to say sorry. She said he backed strikers, she backed strivers. He retorted, with a mandate based on nothing and credibility gone, why was she still here? She screeched “I’m a fighter, not a quitter,” acting in the interests of the nation while he presented no alternative. After 10 U-turns in 2 weeks, Ian Blackford feared pensioners were in the tory cut frontline. Thinking it better seeing the PM behind a desk rather than under it, Stella Creasy asked a daft question on rights to watch sport, leaving Philippa Whitford and Sarah Owen to suggest she do the decent thing. An economist on Daily Politics said the growth plan was gone and a labour government meant even higher spending. Lisa Nandy replied theirs was growth plan, they’d be careful with every penny of public money and put more in people’s pockets. Stephen Baker denied they’d wrecked the economy and ignored Lisa’s quizzing on listening to the OBR. She spluttered, how dare you talk about waste when this government wasted billions, set fire to unusable PPE and wrote off covid fraud? As he spewed more lies that society was to blame and nowt to do with 12 years of the tories, Lisa couldn’t believe what she heard. After an interview with Baker, Channel 4 news anchor Kris Guru-Murthy muttered “what a cunt.” Taken off air for a week, Baker said sacking him would be a public service but then accepted an apology.

In a fatal blow, Swellen resigned over sending official docs from her private e-mail and wrote she owned her mistake, unlike the PM: “pretending we haven’t made mistakes, carrying on as if everyone can’t see we have made them…hoping things magically come right is not serious politics.” Phil erroneously thought it showed integrity. 43 days as Home Sec the least since the Duke of Wellington, Grant Shats, who’d criticised Truss 2 days before, stepped in. Seen as a confidence vote, tories were whipped to oppose a labour bill banning fracking Wednesday evening. Amid fracking chaos, Rees-Moggy marched MPs through the ‘no’ lane. Chris Bryant accused him of bullying. Chief whip Wendy Morton and deputy Craigy Babe (declaring “I don’t give a fuck anymore”) resigned. On Jeremy Vine Thursday, 13-year old Casper grasped politics better than grown-ups saying: “If you don’t have a government with integrity, how can they govern properly?” The fracas culminated in Truss standing at the lectern at 1.00 p.m. Unable to deliver the mandate members elected her to deliver, she’d spoken to Kingy and resigned. So much for fighting, not quitting! ‘To maintain stability and continuity’(sic), she and Graham Brady agreed an expediated leadership election within a week – the shortest-serving PM ever didn’t even last that long. Asked was it a dog’s dinner, Brady stammered, “Well, it’s certainly not a circumstance I would wish to see.” Candidates needing at least 100 backers, there’d be only 2 by Monday. Truss’ popularity at -70%, realising what a fuck-up they’d made, it was just as well members didn’t get to vote with 1/3 braying for Boris (whose popularity low was -55%). International leaders had a good laugh and QT was shown live. Rachel Johnson observed the Jeremy Vine lettuce outlived Truss. Even the carefully-curated audience called for a general election except 4 calling for Boris, who had a proper mandate and was ‘hounded out’. Tony Danker said if tories put country and economy first and stuck to C**t’s plan (which we didn’t yet know), they might have a chance. Camilla Cavendish, FT, favoured Rishi as he went all the way with Truss! All agreeing Keir was credible, he’d have no money to implement bold plans which Graham Stuart called unaffordable and unrealistic. Jess Philips was flabbergasted a minister said labour would crash the economy when they’d just crashed the economy. While true they didn’t know what they could afford thanks to Truss, they’d borrow to invest, not to cut the rich’s taxes.

Government loan interest at £7.7bn, inflation was back at 10.1%. Food up 14.5%, it’d be more if it weren’t for petrol. Shop sales dipped below pre-pandemic levels. Calling it junk food, The Guardian featured web sellers of discounted out-of-date groceriesⁱⁱⁱ. Wittily alluding to Swellen whingeing about support for strikers, they asked for money from ‘tofu-eating workerati’ (obviously part of the anti-growth coalition!) At her last TUC conference, Frances O’Grady was angry at toxic tories, aka ‘Robin Hood in reverse’. NHS and care workers leaving for better-paid jobs, those left couldn’t cope and were balloted. More rail and tube strikes were announced for early November. Anne-Marie Trevelyan wheeled out ostensibly to discuss laws enforcing minimum service on strike days, Mick Lynch advised she get on with sorting out the dispute. CWU said PO strikes weren’t about pay but T&C changes, ‘uberising’ staff in secure, well-paid jobs into a ‘casualised, financially precarious workforce overnight’. CGT asking for 10% rises, French oil, rail, teaching and hospital workers struck. South Yorks trams would revert to public control in 2024. 6 towns already writing bids, drafting of the Great British Railways bill stopped – delayed or cancelled? Keighley trialled noise-detecting cameras to spot needless engine revving and a joker chucked a microwave at a car in Gainsborough. A crackdown on protests planned, TfL sought injunctions when Just Stop Oil blocked Park Lane Sunday and 2 protestors climbed up the QE bridge above the M25 Tuesday, to have fireworks thrown at them and get arrested when they descended, making a total of 150 during 2 weeks’ action. On Jeremy Vine, Anne Widdecombe was in favour of running them over rather than shutting the road. Friday, Harrods was sprayed orange and it was revealed Aileen Getty donated £900,000 to a Climate Emergency Fund giving some activists a ‘small income’.

The Pentagon wavering on funding Starlink, Elon Musk still gave the Ukrainian internet service £17.8m a month. 23 Iranian kamikaze drones shot down over Kyiv, 5 hit the ground. The EU were ‘following closely’ as it may have broken the Iran nuclear deal. 30% of Ukrainian power stations hit, Vlod said negotiating with Vlad was no longer an option. Martial law was declared in the 4 ‘Russian’ regions and civilians evacuated as Ukrainians advanced. Suspended for sexual misconduct, labour MP Christian Matheson resigned. Kevin Spacey was cleared in a civil case and faced a legal prosecution. Daniel Craig became a Champion of The Order of St Michael & St George, emulating Ian Fleming – he’d come a long way from the feckless Geordie in Our Friends in the North. An artisan at the National Glass Centre, Sunderland made a glass pumpkin. Much better than firing real ones from a canon, like Essex farmer Ross McGowan. What a waste!

Scary Monsters, Super Creeps

A stunning morning, wet roofs glistened and trees echoed an orange-yellow dawn Saturday 22^nd. Phil finished an early shift in time for a colourful woods walkⁱ. Knackered after a total 20,000 steps, he rested. Aching all over, I could’ve used one too but instead, edited photos and read family WhatsApp messages which crashed my phone. A headache unfair after moderate drinking, I cheered up Sunday laughing at creepy Rees-Moggy living in the 18^th century. More overnight rain led to a dank day. Disinclined to visit the pumpkin festival, I installed the Halloween tree and devised a Christmas card while Phil worked. I had to shield him 3 times from spoilers of the feature-length Dr. Who until he’d watched it on iPlayer.

dull Monday spent on the phone to the surgery and British Gas, I haggled and stripped down the cover to halve the homecare quote. Head done in by admin, I ironed piles of summer clothes. The Metro app failed to load Tuesday, then updated to resemble all the other crap news sites. Phil found a way to access puzzles but the dimensions were all wrong. He disrupted kitchen chores bounding down the stairs shouting “there’s a chunk out the sun!” No forewarning of an eclipse, I hurried up to view a semi-circular disc like a Pac-man bite. Despite clouds and lens filters, my eyes became sore. I switched to infra-red turning the sky magenta. I left Phil preparing for work and ambled to the surgery wearing too many layers in unexpected warmth. The GP had advised I see a nurse before a tele-appointment, but I got a different story from the receptionist. The follow-up to discuss HRT would be with another nurse. God knew how you got to actually see a GP nowadays! Wearing a mask in the waiting room, no other patients did. When the nurse eventually appeared, she informed me they were only compulsory for staff, asked a few questions and took my vitals. Weighing less than last time, I said I’d been good, unlike with smoking. My only worrying vice and not causing a cough, she posited “if you stop, you might get one.” “You’re not supposed to say that. You should encourage me!” As she babbled on, I wasn’t surprised there’d been a delay – she could talk for England. I dawdled to the co-op where gaps included the fab cheap exotic stuff -had it run out? Paying at the kiosk, a fly crept along the counter. “That came out of your wallet.” My Mate jibed. “Cheeky! What are you saying!” Back home, I was startled by an e-mail from Valley Life. The next deadline in a week’s time, it didn’t seem 5 mins since the last one. Phil returned with a huge goody bag as the Ex-Landlady had stuffed in extras. “She must think you need feeding up!” We decadently ate some of the cream glut with tinned peaches.

Planning an earlier start, I’d set the alarm to be jolted from disturbed sleep Wednesday. The trees glowed gold above parched fields. Lolling on the couch, Phil whinged Shutterstock used the AI pic generator to mash up his photos then was magically ready – irksome as I’d rushed round all morning preparing for an outing. We swerved roadworks where the workman was hard at it, drinking Lucozade and tapping his phone, crossed to the bus stop, paid £2 flat fares and chatted on the ride Up Tops. Observing we’d miss the new PM’s first PMQs, we predicted a disparate cabinet descending into chaos, a reshuffle consisting of arse-licking creeps and another coup – watch this space! We alighted to walk into The Crags, admire effervescent woodland, bag almost-free apples and see a heron catching a fishⁱ. The longest jaunt for some time left us footsore, achy and muddy. As I removed clarted jeans, I feared mucky bits on the rug came off me. I was glad of leftovers and more peaches and cream for dinner.

Blissfully asleep until Phil rose early Thursday, I dozed, felt iffy, changed bedding, recovered with coffee, edited the Valley Life article and went out with Walking Friend, dissuading her from heron-spotting in favour of the market. A waste of time, I found a mere 2 of the sought toiletry items and was piqued by the man taking ages serving a couple. In the Med Café, busy with half-term families, we discussed spice preferences and recent walks, including her misadventures with The Poet, over versions of brekkie.

Phil rang after work to see where we were and pull faces through the window. His brekkie came quick and disappeared in his gob quick. Doing more errands, we saw a heron on the weir – no need to go hunting after all! In the large charity shop, we found a monopod and Armani jeans. A tired Phil took then home. My friend and I visited more charity shops and laughed at Noir crap. “I can’t look. It hurts my eyes. People buy that shit. Scary!” Walking her to the bus stop, I advised she opted into NI payments. Overwhelmed by stuff to do Friday, I got upset struggling with the bath tap. Phil came to help: “I thought you were actually crying.” “I was!” Doing admin after lunch got fractious. Trying to log onto online banking, the annoyingly hot, slow laptop found no internet. I gave up and stomped to the kitchen to make apple cake and chutney. Phil came to stir it up and prep jars. Feeling calmer, we totted up household outgoings, freaked by the unavoidable sums.

Wobbly during the last weekend of October, I stayed in. Saturday, we made butter from souring cream, taking turns shaking a jar until a butterball formed. I left buttermilk straining through a filter paper to use for Yorkshire pud batter, while Phil did my hair. Lunch involved a veritable country kitchen of 4 homemade items! Sniffy all day, Phil took a hot lemon drink up for an afternoon rest before a seasonal dinner and creepy films. Rain put me off going for knobbly veg Sunday. Instead, I edited photos, worked on the Valley Life article, got head fug and cleaned the bathroom in fading light as the stupid bulb popped. Phil got home from The Store with another bag of stuff – the benefits of working a late Sunday shift!

On Halloween, BBC breakfast said we should’ve got the first £66 under the energy bills support scheme. Many on pre-paid meters hadn’t received vouchers, but I couldn’t fathom ours. I re-checked accounts and rang BG to be in a 1½ hour queue. On the 3^rd attempt, an unintelligible Asian woman said I’d been transferred to BG evolve whatever that was. On hold again, this time with no clue for how long, I conceded defeat, sent off the Valley Life article and posted blogs. Then we both went out, him to work, me to the co-op. Barely able to think with a cacophony of screeching kids, I raced out the back door. A two-way traffic jam round the roadworks had cleared leaving an eerily empty road. With no trick or treaters, I ate a lolly from a selection bag. Late evening, my nose clogged and head drooped. Phil asked why I pulled faces. “I’m getting a cold. Your cold!” Expunging nasty gunk overnight, proved me right this time.

Numbers stable, hospital admissions fell, 10 million had autumn boosters and statins reduced deaths from severe covid by 37%. Flu down the last 2 years due to less face-licking, the 2022 season started early. High rates for under 5’s. those eligible were urged to get jabs. Taking over Llandudno and evading contraception during covid restrictions, the increased goat population ate hedges, slept in bus shelters and brawled in carparks. The council set up a task force to move them back up the Great Orme but they clearly preferred town life. 30 new cases this month, 2.3m farm birds infected with Avian flu by their wild cousins were culled, a nationwide prevention zone imposed and vaccines researched.

Boris flew back from yet another Caribbean holiday Monday 24^th to drop out of the leaders race, saying he had support but it wasn’t the right time and he couldn’t unite the party. Yeah right! Nowt to do with the privileges committee inquiry! Rishi became the first British Asian PM by default on Diwali. Mainstream media didn’t mention the partial solar eclipse (another bad omen) as Trussed-UP inanely spoke Tuesday, not ruing dragging us to the brink: ‘I’m right you’re all wrong’. Off to the funny farm, Liz!

Rishi met Kingy. Orating on unity and stability in tough times, he ‘fully appreciated’ how hard things were, pledged “a stronger NHS, better schools, safer streets, control of our borders, protecting our environment, supporting our armed forces and levelling up.” David Farquharson made a Truss dog toy. Shipped at a cost of £3,500 after she resigned, it served him right for getting them from China! He hoped ‘politically incorrect’ retailers would buy them.

Brexiteers on Romford market wanted Boris back and Scarborough chippies whinged staff shortages curbed opening hours, even in peak season.

The C**t, Wally, Babadook and Uncleverly stayed in post, Glove-Puppet returned to level up, Steve Barclay became health sec and Coffee-Cup moved to environment. Rees-Moggy was replaced by Shats, Dowdy became cabinet sec, Gillian Keegan ed sec, and Rabid Raab deputy PM and justice sec- replacing Swiss Toni who sorted out the barristers dispute created by Raab (not widely reported, they got the 15% pay rise) and Swellen returned as home sec. Labour crowed, Boris might not be back but his cabinet was. Accused of doing a grubby deal, Rishi defended her re-appointment. As Jake Berry revealed she broke the code lots, labour called on Simon Case to investigate. On QT, David Lammy said Rishi had no mandate, awful Hartley-Brewer said the NHS couldn’t save lives, and Lucy Fraser lied there were 46 new hospitals. A nurse in the audience wanted better facilities not more hospitals. Armand Iannucci wondered where the social care plan Boris had at the start of his tenure was, blamed Brexit for staff shortages and 16-year-old interns for writing bad policy. Newscast replaced by another programme of nattering men in suits, I watched last week’s on iPlayer wherein Keir said it was better to be boring rather than exciting and create a scary Truss-like mess.

The Glove-puppet took a weekend off clubbing to tell Laura K. Swellen had integrity, would be great at her job, and make promises on extra help for households. Excerpts from the biography revealed that as foreign sec, Trussed-Up was more interested in selfies for socials than being briefed before meetings. Laughing at her rider comprising posh espresso, chilled Sauvignon Blanc and no mayo, Spreadsheet Phil preferred to go with the flow. At a special Stormont sitting on deadline day, Michelle O’Neil complained Jeffrey Donaldson’s refusal to power-share ‘til the Northern Ireland protocol was scrapped, a ‘failure of leadership’.

The Halloween fiscal statement delayed, the Beeb went to Creepy Crawley and Rabid Raab insisted it’d ensure it ‘stood the test of time’ and OBR forecast accuracy. They predicted the total cost of the government bail-out would’ve been £2.2 bn. On the day Kingy 50p coins were minted, former BOE boss Lord Mervyn King blamed the bigger boys, i.e., global banks, for printing money and over-borrowing during the pandemic. In favour of slow growth, he feared cuts worsening the situation. Octopus bought Bulb which collapsed last November. Ofcom encouraged internet providers to put customers before profits. Dipping into reserves for day-to-day costs, schools were running out of money. Threatened with legal action by South Yorks mayor for asset-stripping Robin Hood airport, Peel Group denied claims of a ‘credible buyer’. Ambulance workers joined nurse ballots, while an NHS recruitment drive aimed to replace 40,000 who quit last year. 2,000 Scotrail drivers and Avanti managers struck over rosters, Stagecoach staged more talks in Hull, Co-op Funeralcare coffin-makers in Glasgow started a week’s strike and announced more in November.

Only 29 of 193 countries meeting COP26 commitments, Guterres feared global catastrophe but was optimistic rumours of UK targets being ditched weren’t true. Rishi said he wouldn’t go to COP27 due to more ‘pressing domestic commitments’. What on earth was more important? Labour called ousting Alok Sharma from cabinet, despite going to hand over the presidency, a failure of leadership, and Caroline Green said it made a mockery of government claims on climate leadership. Coffee-cup disrespectfully told LBC: “The UK continues to show global leadership as opposed to just a gathering of people in Egypt.” Dead crustaceans littered the North East coast (was it algae or pollution?) and Southern Water spewed sewage into the sea at St. Agnes, Cornwall. Frank Spencer spewed platitudes on making progress.

More of the foreign aid budget spent on refugees in the UK than abroad, none of the 38,000 channel-crossers had asylum decisions. The Home Office unable to cope, conditions at Manston processing centre left inspector David Neal ‘speechless’. 66 year-old Andrew Leak threw petrol bombs and fireworks at the Western Jet Foil camp in Dover then killed himself. Islamophobic rants found on his Facebook page, terror police investigated. Amid fire damage, 700 were bussed to Manston, plagued by MRSA, scabies and diphtheria. Children screamed ‘freedom!’ over the fence. In the Commons, Yvette Coop accused Swellen of ‘working outside the law’ not providing extra hotel accommodation. Swellen retorted we needed to know which party was serious about stopping the ‘invasion’. Many of them allegedly recruited by criminal gangs in French camps, we should ‘stop pretending’ they were refugees in distress. How did she know if they weren’t processed? Swellen promised the 10,000 Albanians would be dealt with ‘within days’. The system broken and illegal migration ‘out of control’, she was on the side of getting a grip. The opposition guffawed at her incompetence. Also quizzed on breaking the ministerial code, Tulip Siddiq referred Swellen to FCA.

Xi Jinping became the first Chinese leader re-elected for a third term since Mao. Sergey Naryshkin of the Russian spy service denied Kremlin nuclear bombast, saying it was all Western rhetoric. He’d warned colleagues in Turkey, USA and France of Ukrainian plans to use ‘dirty bombs’. With no evidence, it was an obvious red flag. A huge Israeli raid in Nablus, West Bank wounded 21 Palestinians and killed 5. 3 were members of The Lion’s Den independent militia. Trump was subpoenaed over the Capitol Hill debacle, 6^th January 2021. Bolsonaro lost the Brazil presidency to Da Silva but didn’t concede defeat, a la Trump. At the biggest Halloween fest since before the pandemic in Seoul, 150,000 including a K-Pop star, died crushing to see a celeb. Riots and fireworks set Dundee on fire. Great Balls of Fire crooner Jerry Lee Lewis died. The dirtiest man in the world perished after having a wash. Villagers in Dejgah, Iran, persuaded 94 year old hermit ‘Amou Haji’ who ate roadkill and smoked animal poo, to shower. Musk’s Twitter take-over complete, he sacked execs and promised radical change (i.e., allowing toxic ‘free speech’ and charging for blue ticks). Adidas ended their deal with Ye over antisemitism. Losing his billionaire status, he was worth a mere £400m. Yesus! My heart bleeds!

Notes:

*Britannia Unchained: Global Lessons For Growth And Prosperity. Kwasi Kwarteng, Pritti Patel, Dominic Raab, Chris Skidmore & Liz Truss

**Out of The Blue: The Inside Story of the Unexpected Rise and Rapid Fall of Liz Truss. Harry Cole & James Heale

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

iii. Cheap food links: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2022/oct/15/cheap-deli9cious-and-only-three-years-out-of-date-my-week-of-eating-food-past-its-best-before; https://cheapfood.co.uk/; https://www.rogerswholesalefoods.co.uk/

The Corvus Papers 1: Shock And Awe

”This is not an abstract discussion…this is whether people can live meaningful lives” (Michael Marmot)

Striking Out

The geese migrated during August, picking at weeds and sunbathing in the middle of our street, which was okay except for them pooing on the doorstep. The Local Celeb and Wife on the street below concurred.

Blogs taking a hiatus, I planned to look for paid freelancing jobs but DIY took up most of the month. The task hard enough, another heatwave made it even worse. On the plus side, in a tangle of wires behind the telly, we discovered appliances unnecessarily plugged in thus using leccy, including the evil Xbox. Slimming down to essentials would save pennies! And I got to wear a racy early 21^st century painting outfit of wide pants and an FCUK tee. Phil slogged to the hardware store in the next village on Monday 1^st and buses not turning up, lugged bags of plaster back. The Woman Next Door subsequently said she’d have given him a lift. Maybe next time. After fixing the living room ceiling, we tackled the grotty wall behind the sofa. Cobwebs and dust had congealed into fluffy brown clumps. Vile stains proved immovable. Resigned to painting, could we buy the same shade? Of course not! And when that made a dazzling yellow, we had to make all the others match, and do the windows. While the sofa was in the middle of the room, I enjoyed the different view but not the inconvenience of being unable to reach the side table. Our woes paled into insignificance as a fire in a converted mill gutted creative businesses. Starting at 2.00 a.m. on Tuesday 2^nd in the Italian Restaurant kitchen, we speculated that someone left the chipper on arson by a rival, The building declared unsafe, fire engines from Manchester and across Yorkshire worked throughout the day to make it safe, and people were told to avoid closed town centre roads – an Air BnB tragedy! Mercifully no casualties, nearby homes were evacuated and others advised to keep windows and doors shut. The Lampshade Maker whose studio was destroyed, went on Look North to say “I can’t believe it’s all gone!” A resident of the street below, we got her story first-hand a couple of days later when she returned from a restorative woodland walk. As they were insured, I was flummoxed by crowd-funding for those affected.

Saturday, I bumped into German Friend and Counsellor Friend. Bantering on the trials of shopping and the oddness of Steampunk and classic car weekend coinciding, I mentioned we’d go see the old bangers Sunday. Counsellor Friend quipped: “Talking about yourself? Ha, ha.” “Cheeky! It’s a touchy subject. I’m 60 in a month.” “Oh no! That means my brother is too and I’ve sent him nowt.” German Friend confided 60 didn’t feel that bad. As she waved bye, I briefly recounted our travails to Counsellor Friend then apologised for cheerless rabbiting.

Sunday in the park was indeed weird. Were the punters steam-gammons or gammon-punks? As well as admiring the classics, providing Phil a month’s worth of photo-editing, we bought a mini table vice, prompting a ditty to the tune of edelweiss and perused the extortionate ‘food court’. Heading into town, we browsed the squat library, eyed suspiciously by young anarcho-punks. I was reading them old classics before their parents were born!

A couple of weeks later, the squat windows were smashed; there were some nasty people about, but I had to chuckle at handwritten notices threatening court to anyone who entered without their permission – very anarchistic! Finding nothing tempting on the steampunk market or normal Sunday market, we got pasties and pop from the shop and sat near the wavy steps to watch the antics of poseurs, dogs and kids in kilts, becoming rather warm in the strong sun. Sauntering home, we chatted to Irish Neighbour clearing up dead trees on the street, about the town being packed with tourists, inflation, Brexit and the war, leading to another apology for being so depressing!

Covid deaths fell 11% for the first time since June. King’s College research put long-covid in 3 categories: neurological; breathing; other symptoms. Predicting recession in the last quarter and lasting into 2023. the BoE raised the interest rate to 1.75%. Andrew Bailey blamed Russia for rising energy costs. Gammons were still in denial it was anything to do with Brexit. Trussed-Up repeated she’d lower taxes ‘from day one’ rather than give cost of living handouts, and Rishi Rich said if they didn’t get inflation under control, tories could ‘kiss goodbye’ to the next election. Meanwhile, 52% of people polled, now found a pint unaffordable. BT workers on strike, Lisa Nandy joined a CWU picket line in Wigan. As they were affiliated to labour, she had permission and didn’t speak to the media, she incurred no wrath, unlike Tarry. Locked into a 4-year 2% pay deal, junior doctors would get less than NHS colleagues. The BMA wrote to Rishi and Truss urging them to prevent an inevitable strike. Offered a paltry 2%, Scottish bin men struck for the duration of the Edinburgh fringe. Accused of ‘levelling down’, Trussed-Up ditched plans for public sector regional pay boards. Amid hacking fears, GCHQ delayed mailing of tory leadership ballot papers. Lord Cruddas said a vote for Boris would stop interference. Horrifyingly, he’d probably be back after she fucked up. The New Statesman obtained a video wherein Rishi boasted of diverting funds from deprived urban areas to places that ‘really deserved it’ like Tunbridge Wells. Chair of red wall tory northerners, Jake Berry, wasn’t impressed. Nandy wrote to her counterpart Greg Clark to ‘urgently investigate’ saying: “It’s scandalous that Rishi Sunak is openly boasting that he fixed the rules to funnel taxpayers’ money to prosperous Tory shires.”

Amid reports of traffickers reducing prices in a competitive market, 14 boats arrived in Ramsgate, each carrying 50 people. The record 700 migrants on a single day were bussed in double-deckers. Ship Razoni set off to full of Ukrainian grain at long last. Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan prompted Chinese military exercises, reports of fighter jet incursions into Taiwanese airspace and the firing of 11 missiles. China later halted co-operation with the US in key areas such as climate change, military talks and combating international crime, and sanctioned Pelosi. Why the hell did the daft woman go there? Jaswant Singh Chail, arrested on Christmas day for possessing a loaded crossbow with intent to harm Queenie at Windsor Castle, was charged under the treason act. In a bid to reserve dwindling water supplies, hosepipe bans were announced in Hants, Kent and Sussex. After Useless George told The Torygraph there should be a national ban, water companies were derided for impractical water-saving tips. We Own It gasped: ‘who has an oak barrel?’ As a burst water main flooded Hornsey Road, George Monbiot told Jeremy Vine it was no surprise water companies piped profits into shareholders’ pockets instead of investing in infrastructure. James Gammon was the only one who didn’t agree they should be nationalised. A dad bathing with his kids found a stash of dumped guns in a river pool in Catford. Harry Gration’s funeral took place at York Minster while Issey Miyake was buried before the news of his demise broke. Roy Hackett (equality campaigner and founder of the Bristol bus boycott paving the way for the Race Relations Act), also died. Surely that solved the issue of whose statue should replace Colston? A new super-fast mapping device on the William Herschel telescope would help analyse how the galaxy was formed. Maybe they should’ve detected lumps of Space X which landed in a farmer’s field in New South Wales. Rather than demand compo, they could sell it back to Elon Musk or flog it on e-bay. A Halifax woman hilariously electrocuted hoovering her fake lawn, was saved from death by awful rubber shoes.

Taxing Times

Headaches, befuddlement, hot flushes and melancholia plagued the second week of August. Although sometimes too fatigued to exercise, I managed to not stay abed. To top it all, a series of tech issues made the laptop sluggish and the ipad suddenly decided I needed to verify my Apple account and my date of birth was wrong! Phil located the freephone number for a human to eventually sort it, but the palaver was very stressful. Almost as bad as trying to extract dosh from a piddly stakeholder pension. Over-complicated and a total con (why did I have to pay tax when I’d already paid it on earnings?), after advice from Moneywise, I gave up. Neighbours all abroad in the hot spell, idle chatter brought light relief although I avoided the WhatsApp group to oppose new affordable housing and close contact with The Widower, whose daughter came to look after him and ended up bedridden with suspected covid!

Tempted by a co-op deal of pizzas and beer for a fiver, I couldn’t find the 4-pack. A staff member located it ‘on the beer shelf’. “Which one?” When I told him I’d got no reply to my complaint to HO, he requested I let him know if I did. After greeting a woman on the street below for the first time on the way, she and her partner sat out on deckchairs on my return. I remarked on their extremely fluffy cat. “Yes, it must be hot.” “I was thinking that; I know they like sun but there are limits!” Sunday, we visited the favoured clough to find it so dry we could walk up the brook – a secret gorge! (see Cool Placesⁱ). We also noticed felled red leaves due to hot, dry conditions. BBC Breakfast later mentioned the ‘false autumn’. A notice on the convenience store advertised part-time vacancies. Phil had a new job within weeks. I was chuffed for him, not because of the money but because it boosted his self-esteem. Interesting fact: the stores’ huge basement extended to the marketplace – a possible history photo project. Struggling to sleep with hot flushes and drippy sweats over the weekend, I had weird dreams. One entailed ex-colleagues in workplace scenarios giving me food and cash in an envelope marked ‘office reserves’. In another, Walking Friend and I used a shortcut to the airport via a college with lots of rooms. It looked familiar like I’d previously dreamt the place, while simultaneously feeling as though I should and shouldn’t be there.

7,000 extra NHS beds were planned for winter but there wouldn’t be enough staff. Ending a 3-month lockdown after allegedly only 74 deaths, Kim Jong-un proclaimed a North Korean victory over covid. The UK economy shrank by 0.1% April-June. Firms still waiting for business rate rebates promised during the pandemic, ¾ of restaurant chains made a loss. National Energy Action wanted help urgently; the later it came, the more people would die in cold homes. Protesting soaring bills, the social media movement Don’t Pay UK gained momentum, but not paying could lead to more problems. Jack Munro advised reducing prices for all and switching from DD to standing order payments, depending on penalties. ¾ of red wall tory voters reckoned government failed to tackle the cost of living crisis. Gordy Brown and CBI boss Tony Danker also wanted something urgent. Number 10 said that would be up to the new PM and ministers drew up options for whoever that would be (as if we didn’t know). Danker spluttered: “We simply cannot afford a summer of government inactivity while the leadership contest plays out followed by a slow start from a new PM and cabinet.” Boris shocked energy bosses by actually turning up to a meeting with Kwasi Modo and Nads Zahawi who inanely said it was tough times. Trussed-Up said profits weren’t dirty and windfall taxes were about ‘bashing business’. We Own It found 3/5 supported public ownership of utilities and the Tony Blair institute reckoned Truss’s plans would save low income households a mighty 76p per month. Nurses asking for a 16% rise (which they’d never get) took part in a strike ballot. BBC leadership interviews avoided, later in the month, Trussed-Up insisted she was too busy to speak to Nick Robinson. After Rishi said he’d bin it, Ben Wally scrapped the muted migrant camp at Linton-On-Ouse. Of 7 cities shortlisted to host Eurovision 2023, Glasgow was shockingly the only one outside England. During chaos in Oxford Street not reported in mainstream media, American candy shops were looted, Ferraris jumped on, police assaulted and a dispersal order enforced. The legal test for prosecution not met, CPS dropped charges against 6 attendees at the Sarah Everard vigil, March 2021. Dania Al-Obeid subsequently brought civil proceedings against The Met. Salman Rushdie was stabbed preparing to give a lecture in NY state. More wildfires in Portugal, Spain, Southern France and England, new heat warnings were issued and official droughts declared in parts of south and east England. Introducing a hosepipe ban, Thames Water dished out bottled water due to a glitch. The ban came to Yorkshire 26^th August. Half of Europe parched, Naga Manchette was ‘shocked’ by a dry Rhine. The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Florida house and later disclosed they found 100 ‘top secret’ document – all a conspiracy of course! Olivia Newton John and Raymond Briggs died. A moving tribute to the latter on The Beeb was followed by Ethel & Earnest.

Shocking Disparities

A boring start to week 3, I was cheered by charity shopping (finding a cute shirt in the Community Shop) and lunch with Walking Friend Wednesday. Seeking a change, we headed for The Kitchen but ran away from exorbitant prices. Walking Friend queried where would we get cheaper in this town? One of our usual places of course! After baked potatoes at half price in The Tearooms, we wandered town and gazed upon the weir. She told me she once found a safe with the back blown off in a brook. Was it from a heist? Phil had arranged to put a picture up for her Friday, but as more problems were unearthed, he delayed doing anything more till a spark had a proper look. Glad of no cooking after a day decorating alone, I noted the cold tapas was rather pricey. Phil predicted eating more chicken nuggets in future. I used to scoff at people saying eating fresh was more expensive than junk, but Inflation at a record 10.1% and groceries up 11.6%, it really was now! Sunday, we returned to the foraging grounds for a couple of pounds of blackberries. Enjoyable but knackering, I managed to splatter my jeans in purple juice (See Cool Places).

Effective against the original Wuhan and Omicron strains of coronavirus, Moderna’s new bivalent vaccine would provide 13 of the 26 million autumn booster doses. We were counselled to take up whatever was offered. As roll-out was confirmed from 5^th September, starting with the housebound and care homes, GPs warned £10.60 per jab wasn’t enough to ensure delivery. US scientists found musical instruments no worse spreaders than normal breathing. SNP MP Margaret Farrier pleaded guilty to exposing the public to covid travelling by train between London and Glasgow, September 2020. Monkeypox cases plateaued at 20 a day, but vaccine shortages caused concern. Northern mayors feared drastic bus service cuts when coronavirus support ended and Heathrow extended the cap on passengers until 29^th October. Calling them lame, Mike O’Leary pledged to save half-term with extra Stanstead flights. At the end of August, Ryanair announced more winter flights than ever while Eurostar still recovering from the pandemic’s impact, would axe direct London services to Disneyland Paris next year. Generation Covid who’d missed out on GCSE exams, received A level and T level results. Less students achieving top grades than when based on teacher assessments in 2021, record numbers progressed to university. A stark divide between private and public schools, a shocking disparity between the South East and North East was blamed on the disproportionate impact of lockdowns (11% versus 15% lessons missed). A week later, GCSE results showed similar regional differences, with almost 1/3 above grade 7/A in London, compared to around 1/5 in the North East, Yorks and Humber, due to poverty and lost learning. Pearson’s BTEC results delayed, labour urged Ofqual to investigate what went wrong. As The Bumbler was on his hols again, Tory donor Lord Rose said he was on shore leave. Keir also accused of being MIA, labour set out plans to cancel the £400 energy payments and freeze the price cap instead. The £29 bn outlay would be paid for by windfall tax changes, more income from bigger oil and gas prices and lower inflation making government loans less costly. No authority to implement plans, it heaped pressure on the government to do more.

ONS data showed private sector ay rose 5.4% compared to 1.8% for the public sector. Wages fell 3% in real terms. Richard Walker told BBC Breakfast about Iceland’s partnership with Fair For You, giving micro-loans so the hard-up could buy food. 18-month pilots revealed few defaulted, with easy terms of £1 a week if they did. Avanti West Coast reduced their timetable due to staff ‘making themselves unavailable’, and cancelled advance ticket sales till 11^th September. Avanti MD Phil Whittingham resigned 15^th September, exposing his lies that less services were staffs’ fault. More strikes on 18^th and 20^th August saw 4/5 trains cancelled and Jeremy Corbyn on the Euston picket line. RMT members joined TFL pickets Friday. Mick Lynch said workers in other sectors were winning pay disputes and the public were increasingly behind them. DOT pledged a below-inflation rail fare rise, delayed until March – so less than 11.% then! P&O unbelievably wouldn’t face criminal charges for sacking staff. After polio was found in the sewage of 8 London boroughs, child vaccines became urgent. Water companies scandalously leaked 3bn litres a day and gave bosses 18% bonuses. Downpours didn’t alleviate droughts as instead of soaking into the ground, rain caused flash-flooding in Market Raisin and raw sewage dumps led to warnings on 60 beaches, largely along the south coast but also at Morecambe and Robin Hoods Bay. Signs warned Lake Windermere visitors of blooming algae – that’d be the poo then! 20,000 arriving in dinghies so far this year, the High Court heard an adviser told government Rwanda wasn’t safe for migrants. Concerns over the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant mounting, Erdogan met Vlod in Lviv to agree parameters of an International Atomic Agency mission. Pro-Putin commentator Darya Duginer (daughter of Alexander aka Rasputin), was killed by a car bomb. Outspokenly in support of the invasion, Ukraine denied involvement. The demise of Wolfgang Peterson meant no more Das Boot.

A Shock To The System

Towards the end of the month, I battled with achiness, demotivation and occasional tearfulness, to submit my autumn contribution to Valley Life magazine and attend the blood test appointment. A bruise-like mark later marred the crook of my elbow. Phil said: “That’s normal – you should see druggies’ arms.” “I don’t want to look like a junkie! Nothing else untoward, I thought right, where’s my HRT then? Despite several attempts, I failed to speak to a GP let alone get any. The weather reverting to type, scantily-clad tourists still stalked the town, idiotically looking in windows. “Ooh! A shoe shop!” Did they not have shoes where they came from? Feeling low midweek, soft evening light tempted us on a stroll along the canal and back through the park where teenagers did what teenagers do. Over the bank holiday weekend, we finished the living room revamp. Cleaning paintbrushes outside, a Local Historian toddled up for the first proper chat ever. She informed us she founded Valley Life and invited us to look at her vast Alice Longstaff collection which was nice. Breaking from DIY Sunday, we foraged to and from the hilltop village, competing with hunting spiders and supping butterflies. Wild apples augmented our berry harvest. After baking a massive crumble, there was enough to make jam. Phil suggested adding liqueur to the last smidge creating delicious jambuca. Slimmer pickings for a co-op top-up, the mentally-challenged cashier asked for £22. “Eh? That’s an expensive cabbage!” Phil was disgruntled by a lack of bank holiday fun but I was pleased we’d made progress, unlike with birthday and vacation plans. Anxious on Tuesday at a lack of preparedness, I failed to find any £1 tickets promised by Northern Rail, booked flexible off-peak returns to Scarborough and faffed saving e-tickets. I also booked the Cypriot restaurant for a birthday lunch, inviting Waling Friend. The next day, we went up to hers via a hidden path which mysteriously wound round above our street. As I gave her a jar of jam, she remarked she already had loads from an honesty box and a recent glut of plums on her terrace; but ours was a triumph! Phil took measurements for a spare part and got her kettle working so she could make a cuppa. On departure, she gave me a book and a selection of tiny jars of sparkles for crafting, vowing to stop buying stuff from Wish. This prompted a tirade on rising costs and not having a government. “Don’t get depressed.” She counselled. “I’m always depressed; it’s just a question of degrees!”

That evening, Aslef announced strikes on 15^th and 17^th September. No returning a day early to avoid the 9.00 a.m. check-out, a second begging attempt to the holiday let office mercifully resulted in an extension.

UK covid cases still falling, kids had less. ONS said they’d closely monitor rates when schools returned. The Covid alert fell from level 3 to 2 – I didn’t even know that was still a thing! It belied over 500 weekly fatalities with the death rate 18% above average for the time of year. Filipino kids went back to school wearing masks. No live classes for 2 years, 10 year olds were illiterate. Japan in the midst of a wave since July, PM Fumio Kishida tested positive. Anti-lockdowners Martin Hockridge and 3 others got 12-month community orders for harassing Nick Watt in June 2021.

ONS data for July revealed excess deaths during the heatwave; 7% higher than the daily average. GPs prescribed walking and cycling to combat mental health issues in several test areas including Bradford. Hints they could prescribe gas discounts prompted Wes Streeting to guffaw that government had ‘lost the plot’. Cineworld bankrupt, they continued trading, pending re-structure. Asda bought 129 co-op forecourts and 3 sites to cut co-op debt, sparking competition concerns. Sainsburys announced the scrapping of ‘use by dates’ on yogurt and pledged £65m to keep prices down. Lidl would take on 10,000 extra staff, provide them free Christmas dinners, and sold wonky veg stunted by drought, advocating other supermarkets follow suit.

Inflation forecast to reach 18%, ahead of setting a new energy price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged government to double support or freeze suppliers’ charges. Rishi insisted he had the right priorities and Keir, looking like a nob in a hardhat, said labour had a plan. EDF warned half of households could face fuel poverty in winter, while SSE’s Seagreen Wind Farm turbines started spinning. Chip shops facing ‘extinction’, as, amongst other things, the price of cod bizarrely went up because of the war, pub chains wrote to government for help in preventing closures, but Nads was on a beano in America discussing long-term solutions to the gas crisis instead of sorting out immediate problems. He helpfully told The Torygraph the ‘national economic emergency’ would likely last 2 years. The Small Business Federation sought pandemic-style aid for companies. As the energy price cap rose to £3,549, Cornwall insight who correctly predicted the amount, warned it’d be £5k by Jan. Rachel Reeves wanted it cancelled.

Responsible for the 80% hike, Ofgem brazenly said government must act. Saying they knew this was coming for months, Martin Lewis bade they let us know now what further help there’d be. BG pledged 10% of profits to help the poorest customers, leaving 95% with nothing extra. Nads working ‘flat out’ on options, Useless George reiterated it was wrong to implement any until we had a new PM, and it’d be at the top of their in-tray – I should hope so! Not mentioning the hike, Rishi spoke of a mistake empowering scientists in the coronavirus response and not paying enough attention to longer-term impacts of lockdowns such as kids missing school and the NHS backlog. Posing in a hi-viz jacket to look at fibre optic cables, Boris lied that he wasn’t shrinking from the issues and more help was coming. He’d done nothing useful and would be gone in a week! Keir appeared on Jeremy Vine to say public ownership of utility companies wouldn’t bring prices down, omitting to mention government could use profits to subsidise bills and invest in infrastructure and renewables. Resolution Foundation predicted a 10% fall in mean disposable income in 2022 and 14m in poverty 2023-4. Saying it’d affect 10m kids, Institute of Health Equity boss Prof Michael Marmot said it’d affect 10m kids and it wasn’t an ‘abstract discussion’.

Seeing no end to the awful state we were in, I added: ‘things can only get shitter!’ Phil reckoned Brexit would eventually sort out with a new government but not energy costs. The European strategy of relying on Russia worse and Gazprom cutting their gas supply allegedly for maintenance, Macron told the French it was the new normal. Nowt like a rich cunt telling you to get used to being poor! But at least they offered more short-term assistance.

Offered a £500 lump sum and 7% more pay, dockworkers at Felixstowe Port began an 8-day strike. Incensed at disrupted supplies, Daily Mail readers decried the communist plot. Wanting a 20% rise but offered 15%, barristers announced an indefinite strike from 5^th September. One who used to work in a coffee shop, echoed my line that she was better off as a barista. Urging labour to ‘get a spine’ and stand up for workers, Unite’s Sharon Graham called for co-ordinated or overlapping strikes to cause maximum impact.

Journalists offered 3% at Reach newspaper group (Mirror, Express and MEN) walked out. Further action in September was postponed. Postal workers struck again at the end August and 8^th & 9^th Sept. At least I could pretend that was the reason for hardly any birthday cards! In a keynote speech to the Edinburgh TV festival, Emily Maitlis said tory cronyism was at the heart of the BBC with former Mrs May spin doctor and adviser to GB News Robbie Gibb, on the board. A record 1,295 migrants in 27 boats, crossed the channel. Only 21 of 52,000 ‘illegal’ arrivals expelled post-Brexit, Nasty Patel launched a Rapid Removal Scheme to fly Albanian migrants back within hours. Yet another madcap idea that would never happen!

Ukraine independence day landed exactly six month after the start of the invasion. Security was tightened, celebrations banned and captured Russian tanks lined Kyiv streets. Boris went to parade with Vlod and get the order of liberty medal – what a twat! Meanwhile, Kharkiv and Chaplyne were shelled and Vlad The Impaler announced a 13% increase in the Russian army in 2023 – a far cry from glasnost on the day Mikhail Gorbachev died. With over 1,000 dead, Pakistan appealed for help dealing with floods. NASA released coloured-in pictures of Jupiter from the James Webb telescope and aborted take-off of the Space Launch System to the moon as part of the Artemis project. Due to a hydrogen leak, more failed attempts followed at the weekend. Cambridge and Caltech boffins made mice from stem cells.

Reference:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 105 – Jubilation?

“The PM has repeatedly shown he is unable to uphold (British) values and the reaction of the public at St Paul’s showed they know it too” (Lucy Powell)

Imperial Nonsense

The wee hours of 1^st June, I dreamt of sitting in an ambulance wearing a face-mask. Odd having a covid dream after so long, was it a premonition of another wave? OneDrive did 500,000 ‘processes’. No idea what the heck they were, Phil managed to stop them so I could use the laptop. Bank statements revealed my benefit increased mid-April by a mega £3.50 a week – not even enough for a pint! Putting stuff in cupboards, a small pot fell out to land in the cafetiere. Another one bites the dust! Thank god for the spare.

In his annual report, Lord Geidt said whether Boris’ fine broke the ministerial code, was a ‘legitimate question’. The Bumbler replied he took full responsibility, had apologised to The House, there was no intent to break rules, paying a FPN wasn’t a criminal offence and quitting over ‘miserable’ Partygate was irresponsible amid ‘huge pressure’ on the economy, war and a ‘massive agenda’ he was elected to deliver. Did he mean Brexit? Rabid Raab insisted a confidence vote wasn’t imminent. Lisa Nandy called it ‘a damning indictment’ of the PMs leadership: “that successive ethics advisers…feel they can’t trust (his) integrity…This is a government that is rotten to the core, that the rot (sic) starts from the top.” Airport chaos worse during half-term, Tui cancelled 200 Manchester flights. Sharon Graham said aviation bosses slashing wages and sacking staff during the pandemic, got rich on high profits and low pay. Reaping what they’d sown, they should hang their heads in shame. Quite! Why book people on holidays they couldn’t get to? In defence, Airlines UK said they didn’t know exactly when all restrictions would be lifted nor how much travel would be possible by summer. Raab demanded airlines, airports and ground handlers met him to discuss over-booking and ill-preparedness. Dreadful Doris announced Bradford as UK City of Culture 2025. Maybe they’d clean up the Odeon and fill in the big hole for the festival of dire youff poetry.

Sun tempted me to don the new dress and open windows Thursday. News stopped for Platty Joobs, we joked the so-called pageant would be the largest handmade parade in history, remembered jubblys (still available) and invented retro 1950’s dishes such as jubilee potato – just potato. YouGov found only 9% of young people thought the royals relevant. Nevertheless, we broke the rule of no lunchtime telly for the flypast. Definitely the highlight of the day’s celebrations with all the planes and helicopters, Queenie with selected family on Buck House’s balcony, seemed impressed by the forming of a ‘70’ in the sky. Enough nonsense, I hung washing out. The Woman Next Door assured me it wouldn’t rain but the day didn’t live up to the billing of wall-to-wall sunshine. Increasingly convinced the forecast was a conspiracy, maybe I shouldn’t have told her that! The only sign of royalism in the co-op a woman wearing a cheap t-shirt emblazoned with ‘happy jubilee’, Phil found an infestation of red gammons in town. They didn’t need sun, just beer! Making a courgette and lemon cake was easy except I grated my thumb knuckle. Icing it the next day, I wished I’d remembered the unopened Sicilian lemon essence earlier.

Oldies at a Jeremy Vine jubilee party Friday, I guffawed at an engrossed Phil but agreed their reminiscences were sociologically interesting. Putting the telly back on for St Paul’s chimes, we mistimed it to see Boris speaking. He and Carrie got booed going to the thanksgiving service. Too much after the excitement of the flypast, Queenie missed it. Justin Welby and Randy Andy missed it as they had covid – ha! ha! We left the bells ringing for 4 hours to visit a favoured clough. Coming back, we found a roll of old maps at a street corner and the town centre chocka; like any weekend except for the odd bit of bunting and flags in shop windows creating a patriotic enclave near the micro pub (see Cool Placesⁱ).

A consultation began on restoring the crown to pint glasses and pounds and ounces in shops. Chris Philp ((aka American Psycho Patrick Bateman) said imperial measures were universally understood and would bring ‘a bit of our national culture and heritage back on the top shelf’. Alicia Kearns called it a load of imperial nonsense, Asda boss Lord Rose called it ‘utter nonsense’, National Market Traders Fed said it’d just create hassle and historian Mary Beard termed the debate a ‘nostalgia war’. Harry Styles at number 1, the Sex Pistols didn’t get in the top 10. We didn’t bother digging out those Stuff The Jubilee badges! 100 days since the invasion, Russia controlled 1/5 of Ukraine. Uncle Joe pledged more weapons and urged a change in US gun laws after mass shootings in May killed Texan primary schoolkids.

Saturday, we investigated the route of Younger Brothers’ sponsored Leeds-Liverpool canal bike ride next weekend. Doubting we’d be up on time to cheer him, Phil was keen to visit the wonder of the ‘straight mile’ sometime. The smattering of stalls and displays at the art launch rather underwhelming, it did include our crossings workshop poems.

We had a bash at Tetra Pak printing with The Printer. No tracing option, I called over to my old drawing teacher nearby: “You know how rubbish my drawing is!” She chuckled. Using styli, I etched a lopsided butterfly and Phil a very detailed bee, the antenna drooping as he ran out of space. He again whinged kids’ efforts were better, especially Ben The Caterpillar. We washed ink off our hands and wandered up the riverside.

Rippling with colour, tiny bugs with transparent wings hid on leafy stems; only visible on zoomed-in photos. Surprised to see the crap market on, we battled through a packed square to ask for lavender oil at the aromatherapy stall. The price almost doubled in 2 years, I gave it a miss. We found a few bargains in convenience stores, browsed the new witch bookshop (aka Harry Potter emporium) and waylaid an erstwhile pub mate going to a trad pub for a Jive Bunny disco.

Phil’s back pain worse Sunday, I thought it maybe from hunching over the etching or going out the house 2 days running. Cold, grey and damp, we stayed in. 20 years ago we might have gone for Gin and Pimm’s at the canalside pub before nicking cake at the parish church garden party. More sedate these days, I wrote a haigaⁱⁱ and tackled the landing. Planning to clean the rug, by the time I’d hoovered and rebuilt a tripod storage basket which predictably collapsed, I was knackered. A blissfully unaware Phil didn’t hear the clattering and swearing! Sleep mediocre, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a decent night.

Shats told Sophie Raworth other countries had airport staff shortages. Nowt to do with Brexit, there’d be no special visas for foreign workers. Touring with Jeff Beck, a ‘humble’ Johnny Depp spent £50,000 on a Brummie curry. After 4 days’ hard toadying by her subjects, Queenie appeared on Buck House’ balcony. Saying she was ‘humbled’, took the biscuit! Lucy Powell wrote in The Guardian that as labour captured British values, cherished institutions and believed our best days were ahead, they enshrined patriotic principles more than tories. Short-term ‘red meat’ policies like selling Channel 4 and reverting to imperial measures, diminished our global reputation, cost jobs and denied us ‘moments of togetherness’. Grimsby Town returned to league football and Wales beat Ukraine to reach the world cup. A jubilant Gareth Bale said the ‘crazy journey’ was ‘literally what dreams are made of’.

Monday mostly spent on admin, I thanked The Researcher for posting my takeover blog and discovered the main Crossings expo was at the town hall next Saturday, for one day only until it moved elsewhere. Why such short notice? I read a letter from NHS pensions and registered to access details online. Unsure if getting the paltry amount now would affect my benefit, I rang and spoke to a nice Geordie. He didn’t know but clarified I could draw on it anytime after my next birthday. As it would go up with inflation, I decided to leave it ‘til I really needed it, which might not be long the way things were going!

Thousands stranded by cancelled flights at the end of half-term and Platty Joobs, those who made it back faced Yorkshire bus and London tube strikes. Jesse Norman published his letter to Boris saying the Gray report showed he ‘presided over a culture of casual law-breaking’ and to describe himself as ‘vindicated’ was ‘grotesque’. He also lambasted the Rwanda policy, selling channel 4, the ‘foolhardy and illegal’ Northern Ireland policy, banning noisy protests and no ‘sense of mission’. In letters to the 1922 committee, MPs cited the St Pauls booing and jitters before 2 byelections. Some post-dated until after the long weekend, the threshold of 54 was reached. Hoping to ‘draw a line’ under it, Boris wrote to all his MPs and addressed the committee before the evening’s confidence vote. He won by a mere 68. As reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street at teatime, they ignored a woman in a taffeta dress posing at the shiny door and in the evening, Bella Ciao blasting in the background. Pressure Drop Brewery reduced staff work time from 5 to 4 days for the same pay. ONS reckoned UK coronavirus restrictions led to £140bn ‘forced savings’. I bet tories hated that! Twitter failing to supply fake account info, Elon Musk threatened to pull out of the deal.

Waking with a claggy throat Tuesday, I moped and almost stayed abed but didn’t. Opening a pack of coffee, I discovered Ocado sent beans instead of granules. Grinding them tedious, I dossed with a cuppa and started draft-posting the journal before going to the co-op. Previously just grabbing essential milk, I red shelf labels to note a 4-pinter was almost ½ price by volume. How had I missed that money saver?

Heartless tory Brendan Clark-Smith moaned to Jeremy Vine that people used ‘personal tragedy’ to try ousting the PM. Speculation continuing on his future, Boris thanked cabinet for their support and vowed to get on with the people’s business, level up, cut government spending and taxes. He told them to look at ways to reduce costs and drive reform. PAC reported Levelling Up decisions gambled taxpayers’ money on slogans. Will Haigh likened the PM to a mad pilot who’d locked himself in the cockpit and being inducted into the Order of the Bath, Pat Vallance was ‘disappointed’ by the rule-flouting. Labour urged The House to vote for committee for standards in public life recommendations giving Geidt powers to initiate investigations into ministerial code breaches. 79 migrants brought ashore, 10,000 made dodgy channel crossings so far this year. Russia in control of ½ Donbas, Vlod said ‘heroic’ defence of the region continued. Calling him a concrete friend to Ukraine, he was jubilant Boris survived the confidence vote. Talks failing, RMT announced another tube strike 21^st June and the first national action in 30 years affecting Network Rail and 13 TOCs on 3 days later in June. Monkeypox became a notifiable disease.

Downward Spiral

Overnight indigestion persisting into Wednesday, I exercised through discomfort, moved tons of clothes (drying ridiculously slowly for June) and vacuumed the living room, finding an easter chick beneath the sofa and a wine stain on the throw. On the front bench at PMQs, Trussed-Up Liz resembled a corpse. Saying the confidence vote showed his own party loathed the PM, Angela Eagle asked if they didn’t trust him, why should we? Boris harped on about those imaginary high-wage, high-skilled jobs. Ian Blackford referenced Monty Python’s Black Knight: ‘it’s only a flesh wound’. Rather than laying into the PM, Keir dwelt on the NHS’s GP shortage, decrepit buildings, waiting times and ambulances arriving after patients died. I hated to agree with Boris that the line of attack wasn’t working. Goblin Saj later waded into a row on NHS Digital removing the word ‘woman’ from advice on cervical and ovarian cancer. As if there weren’t bigger things to worry about! Costs spiralling out of control, the HS2 West Coast mainline link was cancelled, thus rendering the project an expensive Brummie commuter line. Esther McVey wanted it scrapped altogether.

I posted a journal entry and again baffled by the short notice, shared a Crossings expo poster attached to an e-mail. Fatigue, aches and pains mitigated against a planned trip to Shopping Town but Phil wanted gentle back exercise. Strolling down the street, he photographed doors. A neighbour entered her house as he took a snap. “Do you like my door?” Noting the lovely entrance tiles, she asked did he want another pic? “No, just the door!” She didn’t think we were nuts at all!

We wandered terraced backstreets for more doors and spectacular grasses until needing refreshment, we got pop from the shop and sat on the riverside. On the way back, we chatted over the wall to New Gran drinking outside the corner pub, about jubilee weekend antics and her recent birthday. Having disappeared from her profile, I wasn’t sure of the exact date.

UK GDP stagnating, the OECD growth forecast dropped to 3.64% for 2022 and 0% for 2023. Minimum pricing in Scotland backfired as drinkers stinted on food to buy alcohol. Was that what pub-goers round here did? Network Rail contingency planning, the RMT said they were open to ‘meaningful discussions’. Admitting a vacancy freeze, TfL insisted there’d be no redundancies or pension changes. The WTO warned of a global food crisis due to the blockade. The UN held talks in Turkey for a grain corridor and Russia demanded Ukraine removed mines first.

Shopping on Thursday, even reduced stuff was beyond budget. I wasn’t surprised hard-up families skipped meals, according to charities. I jested with My Mate at the till that Phil’s back problem conveniently meant he couldn’t carry shopping. On the way back, 3 geese waddled down the road with a pair of adorable fluffy yellow goslings. Unconsciously exclaiming ‘aww!’ I observed nobody else stopped to look – miserable gits!

Speaking in Blackpool, Boris maintained we couldn’t spend our way out of the cost of living crisis and higher wages would push up prices, leading to a 1970’s-style spiral of stagflation. Unions decried abandonment of the high-wage, high-skilled economy pledge. The latest wheeze to shore up support was extending ‘right to buy’. Including housing associations, housing benefit could be used to pay off or apply for mortgages, with a ‘help to buy ISA’ – good luck saving a deposit on the crap interest rate! He vowed a house would be built for everyone sold. Not the 30,000 formerly promised, Keir cited a pilot in Small Heath where homes weren’t rebuilt as it cost more than what they sold for. The re-hashed plans ‘baffling, unworkable and a dangerous gimmick’, Shelter’s Polly Neafe predicted we’d be “stuck in the same destructive cycle of selling off and knocking down 1,000s more social homes than get built.” On QT, Psycho Bateman said every house sold meant a family off the waiting list. Care4Calais, Detention Action and PCSU* asked the high court for an injunction to stop the first Rwanda flight. Bonnie Prince Charlie called the policy ‘appalling’ and a caller to Jeremy Vine advocated unused boats intercept and process migrants in The Channel and blow them up! The case lost, an appeal was due Monday. Aslef drivers striking on different dates late June, TSSA balloted Avanti West Coast staff. PAC criticised DHSC for burning unused PPE from the start of the pandemic. Europe’s largest Spinosaurus was discovered on the Isle Of Wight.

Worried a headache presaged illness Friday morning, I minimised exercise and chores, posted a blog and managed an afternoon walk. We crossed to the church garden where one gosling slept and the other hid beneath an adult’s wing, before heading up to woods and farmland (see Cool Places). Coming back on the towpath, the Canal Dweller loudly declared he loved my Valley Life articles and a man resembling Dave Angel walked ahead of us, prompting a chorus of Moonlight Shadow.

Due to increased transmissibility of the 2 newest Omicron variants (BA.4 and BA.5), covid rates in England went up for the first time since April. Unable to wait for council tax rebate cheques to clear, the hard-up queued to cash them at pawnbrokers, losing £15 if not turned away. ONS found 52% used less domestic energy, 46%, bought less food and 40% made less non-essential car journeys – not such a bad thing. Minister Heather Wheeler apologised for calling Birmingham and Blackpool godawful places, saying the comment didn’t reflect her actual views.

About to leave the house Saturday, a sudden downpour necessitated the anorak. At the Crossings expo, we spoke to Drawing Teacher at the door and watched the photo slideshow. Overlong with too many from organisers, Phil fidgeted as we waited for mine appear. After seeing all but one, the laptop froze. We left Drawing Teacher and co-volunteers fiddling with it. The square packed with al fresco quaffers, I quipped: “the cost of living crisis biting hard!” Phil said it felt ominous. Did he mean the pub vibe? No, the air. Sure enough, another sharp shower descended. Finding the cake I made last weekend mouldy, I sulked. Phil fed the green stuff to crows and the pigeon squatters and bought one from the co-op to cheer me up.

Loud voices and a revving car woke me early Sunday. Brekkie should’ve been a breeze but a splattered tomato, broken egg, blinding sun and a crashing lid stressed me out. Phil came to the rescue. I insisted we prioritise incomplete chores that he offered to do Thursday, then edited photos, added to the ‘spring animals’ Facebook album, made one of orange and pink flowers and watched telly. Deciding we still liked Waterworld, we wondered if the film got panned 30 years ago because it was ahead of its time.

Commentators all agreeing everything was going to shit, CBI boss Tony Danker said households were going into recession this year; i.e., buying less shit. Leaked before publication Monday, the food strategy contained vague words like ‘initiative’ and ‘liaison’ and no direct interventions such as sugar tax. Getting us to eat venison was the only concrete idea. Schools were ‘deeply disappointed’ at no extension of free meals. 22% of kids eligible, Julie McCulloch of the Assoc. of School and College Leaders said poverty affected closer to 30%. McDonalds re-opened in Russia as Tasty: That’s It. In the US, demos demanded gun law changes to stop the murder of kids and Google engineer Blake Lemoine claimed his AI Lamda was sentient. It considered itself human and feared being turned off, comparing it to death. Accused of anthropomorphism, Lemoine was suspended, but what if he was right?

Relaxation techniques failing to distract me from tummy ache, I slept fitfully and still felt iffy on Monday. Hanging damp towels out in a breeze, neighbours sympathised with the travails of drying laundry in the unheated indoors. Tired from activity, I dossed before posting the haiga and writing. In the co-op later, I could hardly hear myself think – I’d forgotten how noisy it was after school! Using leftover lentils to make surprisingly good pâté, we reminisced about hippy cafés and Phil posted a 1970’s-style art.

The UK economy shrank in April for the second month in a row, further risking recession. The government blamed the negative -0.3% on covid recovery and extra spending. As the Northern Ireland protocol bill was published, Boris went to wear a Hi-Viz and drive a tractor at a farm in Hayle, Cornwall and Micheal Teashop called it a new low point. After all the palaver and whingeing last year, ALW sent a message to the last stage performance of Cinderella that it was a ‘costly mistake.’

After I wasted Tuesday morning applying hot water and defrosting spray to an ice lump in the fridge, Phil hacked it off. Going to the garden, I tripped over the empty dustbin left at the front door and waited for the window cleaner to move his hose, snaking round the corner, so I could put the bin back. I planted sprouted veg ends then attacked overgrown shrubs and creeping weeds. Warmer than it looked from inside, I was about to give up with a hot thirst when Phil emerged wearing a jacket. “Are you off somewhere?” “No.” Realising it wasn’t cold, he took it off and helped sweep debris. Yorkshire ostensibly the best place to see the full Strawberry Supermoon, it was so low here that it hid behind hills.

Wages fell 4.5% in the last quarter when 9% inflation was taken into account. Unemployment was up slightly but vacancies reached a record 1.3 million. 8.8 million inactive due to older workers retiring early during the pandemic, Jon Ashworth accused ministers of ‘utter complacency’. As persistent staff shortages fated airports to more chaos, DfT and CAA instructed airlines to cancel summer flights. Which? told the commons business committee the industry and government must jointly shoulder blame. Petrol at a record high 191.2p per litre, government pulled the plug on the electric car discount. Losing their appeal, Detention Action and PCSU called sending people to Rwanda before a full judicial review in July ‘scandalous’ and the UN High Commission for Refugees said it was ‘all wrong’. Judges assessing the move necessary to deter dangerous crossings could be construed as political. Boris cited criticism from Charlie and CofE grandees and reproached lawyers representing migrants for ‘abetting’ criminal gangs. Instead of the 100 deportations originally planned, Individual case hearings brought the figure down to 12, then 7 then 1. The ECHR stepped in to completely ground the Tuesday night flight to Kigali, saying before establishing legitimacy, there was no legal route back. Undeterred, Rwanda stood ready to welcome migrants and the UK started planning another flight. Two refugees later claimed to have been beaten up and dragged to the plane. Meanwhile, 440 arrived in dinghies. Whitby council banned second homes and the unearthed Blue Peter time capsule from 1981 was opened live on This Morning to reveal a pile of slime – slime capsule!

Coronation Chicken Kiev

The next day starting better than the last few, we made the twice-postponed trip to Shopping Town (see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ). A shame we missed PMQs, as data showing the UK had the second lowest growth rate globally with only Russia worse, Keir went on the attack. He obviously took Rayner’s advice to ‘put more welly into it’! Boris was rebuked for claiming labour were on the side of people traffickers. Nasty Patel Believed the Rwanda plot was fully compliant with domestic and international obligations. Disappointed and surprised by the ECHR decision, she blamed the ‘usual suspects’ and the opposition for thwarting her efforts against the willy of the people. She told MPs prohibitions on flights to Kigali wasn’t an absolute bar and those ordered to be freed would be tagged while relocation was ‘progressed’. Furious tories called for secession from the meddling ECHR. Did they not know The Council of Europe was set up after WWII and had nowt to do with the EU? And I bet they didn’t mind the ECHR intervening in the case of captured Brits fighting in the Donbas sentenced to death! Yvette Coop called it ‘government by gimmick’. Yep, gimmicks for gammons! Lord Geidt resigned. Not saying why in a short public statement, a letter to Boris disclosed later, indicated the final straw wasn’t Partygate but being asked to offer a view on government measures risking ‘a deliberate and purposeful breach of the ministerial code’. Deemed to concern tariffs on Chinese steel, Phil thought it bogus. A fortnight later, government extended the tariffs for 2 years, against WTO rules. The EU triggered further legal action over the NI protocol. Maros Sefcovic said the UK’s unilateral act had ‘no legal nor political justification’. One of the biggest Anglo-Saxon burial sites was uncovered on the HS2 route. At least some good came out of the glorified commuter line!

Cleaning the bedroom Thursday, Phil crawled under the bed to screw a detached leg in place, despite his back. After hoovering, I worked on the journal and pegged bedding out. The Woman Next Door and a friend chatted on her doorstep then promptly went inside – did they fear eavesdropping? In the quiet co-op, my basket totalled just short to use a coupon. The cashier let me grab one more thing for a low-cost shop. I trudged home in blazing sun and persuaded Phil out to the garden. Clearing another debris pile, we observed the myriad life including what he called springtails. Sure they were to blame for my bites, he thought it unlikely as they were a kind of shrimp. Fatigued and overheated again, I lay down.

Expecting GDP to drop by 0.3% this quarter, BOE sent a letter to Rishi stating the obvious on a succession of large economic shocks and raised the interest rate to 1.25%. British Chambers of Commerce moaned it wouldn’t address the global causes of increased business costs and labour worried of the impact on families. Shutting down ½ the rail network, Shats said strikes endangered thousands of jobs and promised legislation to enable the use of agency workers. Unions said that was unsafe and recruitment firms fretted they’d be held responsible for putting temps crossing pickets in harm’s way. On QT, the useless red wall tory said nowt and Thangam Debonnaire claimed the Rwanda ploy already wasn’t working as it didn’t deter dangerous channel crossings. Former ethics adviser Alex Allen told Newscast failure to sack Patel wasn’t the reason he resigned but didn’t explain what was. Sad his mate Geidt was put in a difficult position, he had no plans to re-apply for the post – currently on hold.

The laptop excruciatingly slow after a restart Friday, I didn’t get very far drafting blogs. As I hung another load on the line, The Woman Next Door outside reading, remarked I was always washing. “No; just making use of the good weather.” We walked up to a hillside settlement, enjoying a picnic en route (See Cool Places) and returned via the predictably rammed town centre. Boozing gammons deterred us from a pint. Sweaty and smelly, I showered and lay down to rest. Officially a heatwave, it was greyly muggy when I fetched the laundry in. A dog-walking neighbour agreed it felt like it might rain – it didn’t; for almost a week.

The jubilee bank holiday was blamed for coronavirus spreading across the UK. More hospitalisations but low ICU cases and death, total fatalities stood at 179,363. Boris avoided a conference organised by red wall tories in Doncaster by going to Ukraine, prompting the moniker Chicken Kiev. Newspaper ‘I’ aligned his calls to Vlod with dates bad news broke including Partygate and the confidence vote. Paul Scuzzball said airport staff should work longer hours. Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill knocked Harry Styles off number 1 thanks to Stranger Things. Phil advocated burning a gannet colony infested with bird flu on Bass Rock.

Listening to music Saturday, Black Star made me sad. Not because it was Bowie’s last album but because it was 6 years since the Brexit vote, Jo Cox’s murder, the death of Eldest Brother and Mum going into hospital. I put something cheerier on, edited photos and went to the co-op, spotting a reduced chicken and an old pub mate for the third time in as many weeks after not doing so for years. He did say that would keep happening! Served by a young man at the kiosk, My Mate on the adjacent till stared into space. Not bored, but having a moment. A merc indicating to turn right stopped for me at the zebra and parked on the street below. As I caught up, Councillor Friend got out. “I didn’t recognise you in that posh car!” It was her boss’, who lived in Spain. She’d given it a run to go canvassing in sunny Wakefield (unlike the overcast upper valley).

Plans to tag migrants arriving by boat was condemned for treating those fleeing persecution as criminals. New ambassador for women’s health, Dame Lesley Regan wanted one-stop community hubs and new cost of living tsar David Buttress said private companies must help with rising prices. Saying they did what they could, nice capitalist Richard Walker couldn’t increase wages but gave staff an ‘unprecedented’ 15% discount on Iceland products.

Although wobbly first thing Sunday, I arrived at the market slightly earlier than usual. Stopping to chat with a neighbour untangling roots from a large pot, we had no idea why her normally friendly dog ferociously barked at me. Besides knobbly veg, I found 2 books in the phone-box and bargain herbs in the convenience store. After washing the filthy veg, I collapsed on the sofa to recover and write.

Told on Sunday Morning airline bosses said he didn’t know what he was talking about, Shats sniggered and side-stepped blame for opening and closing borders during the pandemic. After accusing unions of bribing rail workers to strike, he took no responsibility even though he’d not spoken to them for a month, erroneously griped they’d gone on a demo instead of meeting bosses, refused to intervene, dismissed RMT calls for him to do so as a stunt and said there was no class war. Keir reckoned he ‘fed off’ the division. TSSA complained TOCs hadn’t shared plans to shut ticket offices. New army boss Gen Sanders wrote to all soldiers that we needed an army ready to fight Russia. Heatwaves saw 40⁰C temperatures in Europe and monsoon floods killed at least 70 in Bangladesh. US kids aged over 6 months ridiculously qualified for covid jabs.

Chilly after a cold night, Monday became warm and sunny. I ignored a slight headache to strip the chicken carcass before putting food waste out. B&B Man stood on the communal wall pegging sheets, hampering recycling bin access. Still struggling after lunch, Phil suggested sitting in the sun. I snapped back shopping needed doing and some help would be good. He hung washing up while I went to the co-op for a heavy load and recovered with a cuppa outside. Phil joined me the garden bench, made gazebo-like by overhanging freesia. I lazily pulled at weeds and pruned, almost bumping into The Widower on his fourth walk-past. I then attacked an overgrown buddleia on the adjacent steps. Phil helped sweep before a doze amid the sounds of birds and bees, interrupted by Phil chuntering and Walking Friend’s hello, on her way to meet The Poet. I sleepily lay on the bed and briefly nodded off with book in hand. Phil sighing loudly in the evening, I asked what was up. He wasn’t making enough money. The war actually partly responsible for Shitterstock work drying up, he decided to give up the Leeds studio. With hindsight, he could’ve done so ages ago but who knew things would be this shit 2 years on? He rang the council next morning to arrange to vacate within 3 months. Coronation Chicken was a couple of weeks late but made a delicious retro dinner.

2 million with long-covid, Kings College found 50% less chance from Omicron as opposed to Delta. Sufferer Terence Burke won a case to be classed as disabled, clearing the way for an unfair dismissal claim. Last ditch talks to avert strikes fruitless, Psycho Patrick Bateman defended Boris on Newsnight, calling rail practices Spanish and 19^th century. Still refusing to intervene, banging on about modernisation could be seen as incitement. Halfords offered free bike hire. Luggage piling up, Heathrow imposed a cap. EasyJet cut summer flights by 10% and Ryanair promised rescue flights. Their Stanstead base not as badly hit, O’Leary attributed ground staff shortages to Brexit.

Slightly more sleep led to a better start Tuesday. A waning half-moon and sun blazing through the landing window, I wondered was it a solstice phenomenon? English Heritage ludicrously placed netting on Stonehenge to bar nesting jackdaws. We researched local standing stones for our own midsummer jaunt but went to a clough instead. Even in the shade, we struggled with heat and dehydration (see Cool Places).

On the first day of the strike, Keir wrote to shadow ministers telling them not to join RMT picket lines. Diane Abbot was one of several labour MPs to defy him. A Cloudflare crash affected millions of coffee-cuppers working from home. Metro reported on Londoners struggling to work on buses. Lucky for them they weren’t Arriva, in the 3^rd week of striking up north. NEU to ballot teachers on possible industrial action in the autumn unless offered a pay rise above 3%, NHS, fire and postal workers could also strike, after new inflation figures Wednesday and Boris babbling about ‘staying the course’ but promising a return to triple lock pensions meaning a 9.1% increase. Where was the parity? Unite said ‘cost of living’ bonuses up to £3,000 offered to Lloyds and Rolls Royce staff, fell short of what was needed.

No Reasons To Be Cheerful

After lengthily cleaning the kitchen Wednesday, I collapsed on the sofa for PMQs. Not answering a question on allegedly requesting an official appointment for Carrie, Boris wittered about high employment. Keir wanted to know how many meetings ministers held to avert strikes? An evasive PM insisted they were the party of the railways. Keir answered the question – none – yet Boris had time to attend a lavish do and sell a £120,000 meeting. To claims the government blamed everyone else, contradicted each other on pay rises and cuts, rolled over on banker’s bonuses and slashed nurses’ pay, Boris attacked picketing labour MPs and spouted the usual crud on taking tough decisions.

Hanging upstairs rugs on the line to expunge dust, The Widower happened to pass. “Do you have a carpet-beater?” “Somewhere.” While he looked, I used a telescopic duster and Phil used his fists. The Widower not finding the beater, I said: “We’re improvising. Phil’s pretending it’s Boris Johnson, or any other tory of your choice!” Old upholstery spray cleaner meant for cars was effective and quick-drying in the hot sun. Refreshing with homemade pop, I greeted The Decorator backing into the last parking space. The Woman Next Door then stopped right in front of us. In the middle of doing stuff, I politely asked her not to. She said she’d just unload and left the engine running, forcing me to move from the bench. A lovely early evening, the sun briefly reached the nearer bench. I sat with the Kindle watching news until the sun moved out of range and BBC London came on. Planning mushroom pasta for dinner, 2/3 of a value box had gone fuzzy. Not a bargain if you chucked most of them! I thought substitute chilli was ample for 2 days but there wasn’t much left. Phil denied being a greedy git.

NAO reckoned Ofgem added £94 to every household gas bill by letting weak suppliers into the market, leading to collapse. After accusing the government of lying on Newsnight, Mick Lynch asked Carole Gammone on Jeremy Vine ‘what are you even saying?’ Quite! She was in favour of the pensions rise as nobody could live on £250 a week. They and me, lived on half that! Only 50% of northern trains running between strike days, TSSA settled for an extra 7.2% but RMT talks broke down. Lynch said Shats wrecked negotiations ‘by not allowing Network Rail to withdraw their letter threatening redundancy for 2,900 of our members’. Until the government unshackled them and TOCs, there’d be no settlement. Delightfully-named Network Rail negotiator Tim Shovellor insisted the majority of job losses would come from ‘voluntary redundancy and natural wastage’. Were his ancestors steam engine firemen? A clause was hastily added to the Bill of Rights to ignore ECHR injunctions before Rabid Raab presented it to the commons (ref Rwanda). Vaccine-derived polio virus detected in London sewers sparked a nationwide hunt for the culprit and calls for parents to get their sprogs immunised. An Afghanistan earthquake killed 1,000. The useless Taliban halted a search for survivors the next day.

Though warm and still Thursday, cloudy skies deterred me from painting windowsills. Hefting shopping back from the co-op, I was startled by a dog behind a hippy van on the street below barking. Not at me but Next-Door-But-One ahead of me on the steps. Already nervy, my bad mood intensified when the handle on the so-called bag for life broke, tumbling loose mushrooms to the floor. Rain came in the form of a light shower at siesta time, lulling me into a 15 minute snooze.

On the 2^nd day of the rail strike, the local mill café owner whinged of no customers to Look North and Kwasi Modo said using agency staff wouldn’t undermine safety. Unions disagreed. BA check-in staff threatened peak season strikes at Heathrow if pay reductions made during covid restrictions weren’t reinstated. Not even asking for an increase, bosses claimed some staff were offered the 10% back – yeah, managers!

No bunting or parties to celebrate 6 years since the referendum results were declared, I turned off Newscast when Nasty Nigel appeared and found an apt cartoon for Brexit Island asking: how’s that going? Meanwhile, the EU started a 10-year process to admit Ukraine. A UK rise in racially-aggravated assault was attributed to Euro 2020. Over the pond, Owen Diaz turned down $12m compensation for racism at Tesla.

Friday, I tackled the kitchen runner. The spray ineffective, woven chickens re-appeared after applying liquid cleaner. I went outside in sultry afternoon warmth before more rain came (fine drizzle rather than predicted yellow thunder, a distant rumble was heard) and hacked at rhododendron near the back wall, accidentally lopping off quince branches. Resting was disturbed by Shed Boy and mate communicating unintelligibly.

An estimated 23% rise on the previous week, 1:35 with covid worried health experts. The unjabbed were urged to get one, the elderly to be boosted, and the infected to not spread it. Imperial College found vaccines saved 19.8 million lives; in rich countries. The tories lost by-elections in Wakefield to Labour and Tiverton where Lib Dems overturned a seismic 24,000 margin. A ‘distressed and disappointed’ Oliver Dowdy resigned as party chair at 5.30 a.m. Hobnobbing at CHOGM** in Kigali while Carrie and Camilla had a nice chat, Boris said he’d keep going and address concerns of voters who wanted him to get on with the job. Err, no; they wanted you to jog on! Dreadful Doris tweeted he faced the worst cost of living crisis since WW11. Perhaps that was the one preceding Halo. Reviewing the new Paramount+ series, Jeremy Vine queried why in futuristic sci-fi’s, the world was always a desert – duh! National debt interest reached a record £7.6 billion. Outgoing CBI chair Bilimoria advised tax cuts. The US supreme court ended the constitutional right to abortion. Pro-lifers rejoiced, others warned of back-street terminations and death. Together with allowing gun-toting in the streets and coalpits to choke the air, The Trump might as well still be in charge. A choked Amy Garcia announced the sudden death of former Look North colleague Harry Gration.

Shed Boy noisily scraping out weeds woke me early Saturday. Inevitably followed by pressure washing, we’d wondered how long they’d let the joyful blooms flourish! At The Great Get-Together in the park, we perused stalls, picked up worthy freebies and joked with Councillor Friend and her Partner that a unit of beer on alcohol measuring cups wasn’t even a ½ pint. When did that happen? Maybe the cup should be expandable or telescopic! Not much for adults, no free cake left and music deafening, we headed to the quiet of a riverside bench and searched for fish, espying piles of rubbish instead. Gusts of wind and spots of rain ominous, we went home along the canal. At the river bridge, trout swam in the languorous shallows topped by car pollution. Shed Boy sweeping up, I asked if he’d take detritus I’d cleared from the steps along with his stuff to the tip. He said yes, if he got someone to take him. Thanking him, I silently queried why he couldn’t use his own transport. As the sun re-emerged, I topped up the binbags with more veg matter from the steps.

On Sunday Morning, Swiss Toni spouted the usual tory crap. Sharon Graham called David Lammy refusing to support BA strikes a new low for labour. Politics North extrapolated from the Wakefield by-election, most Yorkshire seats turning red. The laptop inexplicably turning itself off overnight, I restarted to post my brother’s birthday card on Facebook and write a haiga. Sewing the rest of the day made my fingers sore.

As Russia resumed bombing Kyiv, the G7 meeting in Bavaria put a price cap on their oil, banned their gold and joked about emulating Putin’s posing. Putin advised working on themselves before baring all. Boris bantered with Justin on who had the bigger plane. Chris Bryant called his hubris deranged. Prince Charlie accepting $3m cash donations in carrier bags from Qatar raised questions of undue influence. A suspected terrorist attack killed 2 men in Oslo. Pride events cancelled, some defiantly marched a couple of days later.

Barely able to keep my eyes open, it took a while to sleep and I woke after 2 hours feeling woozy and my Monday morning, I had pain across my forehead. I managed to fetch the laptop to post the haiga and write in bed. Depressed by debilitation, maybe it wasn’t such a surprise as I’d done many different things in the 6 weeks since the last bout, which was quite good-going. Fetching my lunch, an empty cereal box balancing on the tray for the recycling pile, fell under my feet on the stairs. Unable to move, I shouted for Phil’s help and fell back in bed exhausted. He disposed of rubbish and went to the co-op for basics plus reduced ham. Repose disturbed by the now daily ritual of geese in the street below, I looked out to see the growing goslings picking at moss between cobbles, as adults kept watch for cats and cars and Shed Girl tried to tempt them with grass for phone pics.

A recommended 15% rise in legal aid fees not implemented, barristers went on strike. A juniors salary of £12,000 more like that of a barista, did they mix up the job descriptions? Cruise missiles killed at least 20 when they hit a shopping centre in Kremenchuk. Decrying a war crime, Vlod asked G7 for more defence systems. In response to Russian aggression, relevant leaders went straight from Bavaria to Madrid to agree a boost to NATO’s Allied Reaction Force on the eastern flank. Boris pledged UK military spending would increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2028. In Westminster, the NI protocol bill passed the first commons vote and Dreadful Doris hosted a summit of broadband and mobile providers who made ‘stay connected’ pledges. A man shot dead an Atlanta Subway worker over too much mayo on his butty and 48 migrants boiled to death in an abandoned truck outside San Antonio. Another 2 later died in hospital and 3 men were arrested.

Rarely rising from my sickbed Tuesday, diggers beeping ‘stand clear’ and sirens screeching down the valley joined the squawking geese to hamper rest. Phil catered. His special omelette with ham, mushrooms and cheese was reminiscent of Greek holiday lunches!

2021 Census results showed the population in England and Wales grew 6%, less than expected, with 1:6 over 65. Baroness Heather Hallett began the delayed Covid-19 public inquiry. 7,000 in hospital, Jeremy Vine and Storm both had covid. Stand-ins asked was it time to reintroduce measures? Nobody would take any notice! Doctor Sarah advised face-masks in crowded places. MP/barrister turned commentator Gerry Hayes said the court system had ‘fallen apart’ and the cabinet were spineless. With ‘substantial and persistent concerns’ The Met were on special measures. That didn’t stop 20 cops arresting Stop Brexit man Steve Bray, on the day the Police, Crime, Sentencing & Courts Act came into force. BMA members urged to ‘channel their inner Mick Lynch’, it was hard to sympathise with GPs on £100k demanding an extra 30%.

After a bad night, I watched PMQs in bed Wednesday. The Bumbler still galivanting, Rabid Raab faced Rayner in Kung Fu Panda heels. Spouting the usual codswallop, he cheekily winked and jibed at her. She asked, with Boris vowing to stay on until 2030, would the party prop him up that long? Raab quipped he’d last longer than her leader to which she retorted, we couldn’t stomach him for 8 minutes, never mind 8 years. She was closer to the truth, as it turned out.

Unexpectedly charged another month’s studio rent, Phil stopped the direct debit and headed for Leeds. I thought it’d do him good to feel active, but he was so skint I had to give him the train fare. Seeing him off, the trellis strew the pavement again. It wasn’t even windy! I shooed him away and went out in my dressing gown to prop the dam thing up, glad the weather was slightly better than the previous two days. Left to my own devices, I brooded on the dire financial situation to be interrupted by Phil phoning to ask if I needed anything from Wilkos. I told him to get glue to fix a fragile old book I was reading. Stocks so low customers asked were they closing down and a 9 week wait for supplies, was it from Ukraine? Fuzzy from another short afternoon sleep, I juggled with dinner, irked when Phil rang from the return train. Forgetting to eat and drink all day, he scoffed food and gulped liquids. He’d made friends with a guy from an old Leeds rock band who took loads of the pesky furniture for his music studio.

After 6 months suspension on full pay, a written warning and a FPN for partying during lockdown, Sheffield council boss Kate Josephs apologised and returned to work. Harriet Harman would lead the Privileges Committee investigation into Boris’ lies.

During a terrible night, external humming and brightness vied with the stupid flashing laptop. Mediation led to fitful sleep. Thus Thursday started badly. Phil was also tired, from lugging furniture. Off to Leeds again, I griped at lack of communication and not being told anything until reaching crisis point. “I didn’t want to worry you.” No warning even more stressful, I asked: “Were you going to wait ‘til we were literally choosing between heating and eating?” Considering options, he searched for local part-time jobs. What the hell was a food production operative? Depressed because he’d tried hard to make self-employment work, he declared himself a loser. “No you’re not. You couldn’t know about covid or the war.” I made him a butty to take, nipped out to peg fusty towels on the line and went back to bed. Very warm, I opened the window as the racket which had plagued me since Monday abated and picked up the laptop when Phil called from Leeds, panicking he’d left an empty wheelie case in the park. Irked I’d have to go for it, I saw it near the door and rang him back. “Sorry, my mind’s all over the place.” “Calm down,” I screamed ironically. Mollified by an apology, I said at least he hadn’t lost the case. Too jittery to write, I hoovered the bedroom and brought the towels in as a woman walked a beautiful shiny black Labrador ‘puppy in training’ past.

Chris The Pincher resigned as tory whip after getting pissed and groping men at the Carlton Club. Labelled a Pound Shop Harvey Weinstein in 2017 by Alex Story, an official complaint and suspension from the party came the next day. Piers Corbyn got a fine for organising the Trafalgar Square anti-lockdown demos. An upgrade to the Trans-Pennine line between Huddersfield and Dewsbury was finally announced – already pretty good, what about the crap line we relied on? Ukraine claimed to have re-taken the tiny but strategic Black Sea Snake Island. Russia said they withdrew as a gesture of goodwill. Unlikely to alleviate the grain crisis, nobody was jubilant.

* PCSU – Public Communications Service Union

**CHOGM – Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog:: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

Part 104 – Unbelievable!

“As I have said for years…it’s far more expensive to be poor. Now the experts in data gathering are backing that up” (Jack Munroe)

Disingenuity

We spent May Day hairdressing. It was good to have my dull rainbow hair coloured in, but I strained my shoulder showering dye off. Panicked by alarming grill noises later, I jarred the same shoulder which also sported an itchy insect bite.

Bank Holiday Monday dull and damp, at least it wasn’t pouring like a year ago. I forced myself to exercise the shoulder, did boring chores and went to the co-op, seeing New Gran on her way to the community pub. “For a change from the usual?” I joked. “Well, it is a bank holiday; not that I need an excuse!” she laughed. She was dithering over buying a painting for her older daughter who recently turned 30 and gave birth. Two men sat twiddling their fingers in the art shop, wouldn’t let her in. They obviously didn’t need her custom!

Scotland closed covid testing sites; those with fever were instructed to stay home. The weekend awash with Ploughboy memes referencing Neil Parish, and accounts of a ‘sexist of the year’ award at No. 10’s Christmas party, Lindsay Hoyle wanted radical action to change parliament’s ‘cosy culture of debauchery’. Jeremy Vine discussed ‘sexism training’ for MPs. “They don’t need any!” chortled Phil. After an 11 day pause in dinghy crossings, 254 migrants arrived, making a total of 7,240 for the year so far, treble that for the same period 2021. 100 civilians were evacuated from Mariupol before a major onslaught and Serge told Italian telly Hitler had Jewish blood and the ‘biggest antisemites are Jews’. Israeli counterpart Yair Lapril hit back: “only Nazis are Nazis” and demanded the Russian ambassador apologise.

Completing a postal ballot for the local election I couldn’t remember whether to detach the declaration. The step-by-step guide made it sound more complicated than it was. Though tired, I went to post it Tuesday afternoon and bought cough drops. My head heavy after Sweet Shop Man whinged about prices, I trudged home. Despite fatigue, I got little sleep.

On BBC Breakfast, Keir took responsibility for a colleague originally saying Rayner wasn’t at Beergate but accused tories of mud-slinging ahead of elections – it didn’t compare to Downing Street’s industrial scale shenanigans. As a curry house back-tracked on claims 30 dishes were delivered to the Durham office, Richard Holden urged local police to re-investigate. Meanwhile on GMB, Boris promised more help with the cost of living but referenced the previously announced phased-in support. Challenged on 77 year old Elsie riding buses to avert fuel costs, he lauded the 24-hour freedom pass as his idea. Jon Ashworth spluttered: “It is utterly shameful that pensioners have no choice but to sit on the bus all day to avoid racking up heating bills at home…to respond by boasting about the London bus pass reveals just how out of touch this narcissistic prime minister is.” BP’s first quarter profits £5 billion, they expected to pay £1 bn extra tax and invest £18 bn in North Sea oil and gas and renewables by 2030. 2 days later, Shell announced profits of £7.2 bn, almost triple for 2021, and pledged to invest £20-25 bn in the UK over the next decade. Greenpeace joined calls for a windfall tax, to “ease pressure on households feeling the pinch and reduce our dependence on oil and gas.” Shit-show P&O restarted passenger ferries. On video link to the Ukraine parliament, Boris rebounded Vlod’s ‘finest hour’ words and promised a £300 m aid package. Vlod warned the Black Sea blockade threatened a world grain crisis. UEFA banned Russian teams for the next season. In court, families began a class action law suit for ‘inordinate and unreasonable delays’ processing visas for the Homes for Ukraine scheme, ex-pub landlord Tarek Namouz allegedly sent covid loans to Isis, anti-lockdowner Lance O’Connor got fined £50 for holding up a makeshift gallows outside parliament and Notts police chief Caroline Henry was clocked speeding 5 times in 12 weeks.

No PMQs Wednesday because of the elections, I enjoyed the peace, ordered vitamin D and texted Walking Friend who was about to go on a jolly in the lakes. Continuing the spring clean, I heaved the study sideboard out to vacuum dust clumps and added coins to bank bags I’d stashed months ago.

Blaming fuel rises not the war affecting fertiliser and feed costs, Useless George suggested as aggressive supermarket competition kept prices low on ‘things like chicken and poultry’ (sic), we buy cheaper own-brand foods. Lambasting the patronising and ‘woefully out of touch government’, Pat McFadden said they had ‘no solution to the cost of living crisis’ and Wendy Chamberlain said they were ‘living in a parallel universe’. Money Saving Expert had already advised downshifting a brand to cut shopping bills by 30%. Way ahead of you, Martin! The UK implemented 63 new sanctions, vetoed service provision but not lawyering, and the EU would implement a ban on Russian oil ‘in an orderly fashion’ Natürlich!

Oversleeping Thursday, I rushed to do washing before an Ocado delivery. Arriving a tad late, the grumpy driver unbelievably queried why he’d bothered coming at all! Waiting to peg sheets on the line, the window cleaner’s van blocked access and his hose snaked up to the houses opposite. As I hauled the groceries down, a stupid bottle carrier broke and beer smashed on the floor. Mopping up a lake, I slid and got broken glass in my hand. Meanwhile, the window cleaner did our front then disappeared again! I waited a vexing full hour to get the van shifted. Before Phil went voting, I recited useful do’s and don’ts according to the BBC such as: take your kids but don’t let them write on the ballot paper, vote if you’d been drinking but not be disruptive, and not take selfies. Nobody in the polling station, he chatted to Counsellor Friend in town, trying not to swear when yummy mummies approached. She won by a stonking majority. Tories lost hundreds of seats countrywide to liberal and labour gains including 2 London councils and the new South Yorks and Cumberland authorities. Keir declared it a major turning point but the BBC unbelievably tried to spin their wins as losses. Boris vowed the government was “absolutely determined to keep going with every ounce of compassion and ingenuity that we have” That’s about an ounce then, you disingenuous twat!

I lodged a refund request and complaint with Ocado, and thought we might as well get the rest of the shopping done to leave Friday free. Too tired to do anything on returning from the co-op, I whined at a crap day. I did find a spark of energy early evening to sow sowed wildflower seeds. Phil popped out to enjoy birds’ evensong and spot wild garlic on a neighbour’s steps.

The polls shut, Fiona Bruce bizarrely pointed out the QT audience mainly voted tory. Nowt new there then! Dismissing a windfall tax, disgraced-by-porn ex-minister Damian Green insisted oil companies already paid more corporation tax. The Black (Brexit) Farmer got booed saying Boris delivered. Louise Haigh maintained there was a vast difference between Partygate and Beergate and police were clear labour broke no laws. Unfortunately for her, the investigation re-opened the next day in light of new evidence. Mr. Green said nowadays, MPs were more honest about transgressions and blamed wider society – aka twitter. Screenwriter Jack Thorne said ministers were definitely in a bubble with no experience of real life, and should face manslaughter charges for excess care home deaths when covid tests were restricted early in the pandemic. The Brexit Farmer stuck to the line of lack of information leading to bad decisions. Ms. Haigh reminded us Jon Ashworth warned of the dangers of discharging patients early 2020 but they didn’t care. During droney election results, I retired to lie in a stupor, have a long dream and wake in the early hours.

The WHO attributed epidemic levels of obesity in Europe partly to covid lockdowns. An estimated 15 million covid deaths globally, triple those officially recorded, in India it was 10 times more and above average in the UK. As it was announced London’s Elizabeth Line would open 4 years late on 24^th May in time for the queens’ platinum jubilee, Shats threatened to refer Khan to the electoral commission. Calling him a sourpuss, Khan retorted it was up to TfL, not the mayor. 650 Yorkshire Arriva bus drivers offered a below inflation pay rise of 4.1%, voted to strike indefinitely from 6^th June. Warning of contracted growth in the last quarter of 2022 and a recession in 2023, the BoE interest rate rose to 1%. The pound promptly fell against the dollar and euro. A semi-conductor shortage led to less car production. Were they from Ukraine too?

The weather too crap to go out Friday, I hoovered the landing, prompting a cactus on the windowsill to fall apart. Phil tackled a bathroom sink blockage. So much for a fun day!

Based on random testing, ONS reported UK covid infections down 32% in the past week. Bill Gates outlined future plans for a global pandemic response on The One Show, which could stop the spread within 100 days, according to his book. Convenience chain McColl’s set to collapse threatening 1,100 shops and 16,000 jobs, a Morrison’s takeover was confirmed Monday.

Unbelievably sleeping 7 hours straight, a muffled knock seeped into my dreams Saturday. As Phil got up, I vaguely grasped it’d be the vitamins. Glancing at the clock, I was shocked at the hour and still tired despite extra kip. I stayed home, writing and gardening. Sunday, we went in search of bluebells. The nearby wood didn’t disappoint with an extensive spread. We also got a first glimpse of kids but no lambs. We returned via the towpath where a goose couple herded their fluffy brood, ducked in the convenience store and hurried through the packed square. (For more details, see Cool Placesⁱ)

Sinn Fein won a historic victory in Northern Ireland with the neutral Alliance Party third. The DUP blocked reforming Stormont and Rabid Rabb threatened to rip up the Brexit protocol. As it emerged the Beergate curry was planned and Keir was accused of ‘quaffing’ San Miguel, Nandy called him ‘Mr. Rules’, said he’d self-isolated 6 times and probably knew the law better than the cops. The next day Keir and Rayner said they’d do the decent thing if fined. Tod Bowley of LA Dodgers, bought Chelsea FC. In a classic Leeds United move, a sliding tackle got Luke Ayling sent off.

Supercilious

Phil was contacted by a well-known retailer with a view to selling prints in their flagship store. The gig paid 5%. Stingy, but better than 0% or 10 cents from Shitterstock. He spent Monday selecting brutalist photos for a proposal. I posted a haigaⁱⁱ, an album of bluebells (slightly more popular than the dandelions), worked on the journal and went to the co-op. On the way back, New Gran walked down the street with her mum behind, and daughter and grandchild in front. Four generations in neat chronological order!

The cost of living biting hard, 1:7 households skipped meals. Staff issues, a lack of Border Farce guards and a travel spike, led to queues outside Birmingham airport, EasyJet removing seats from planes and Shats allowing new recruits to start training before passing security checks. Swiss Toni met Northern Irish party leaders in Belfast. The DUP repeated a refusal to appoint a deputy first minister until the protocol issue was resolved; Micheal Teashop said it could be. Over the weekend, 60 civilians were killed sheltering in the village school in Bilohorivka. On Russian Victory Day, Putin said NATO posed ‘unacceptable threats’ but didn’t declare ‘all-out war’ as promised. Saying he told fairy tales, Ben Wally compared the despot to a Nazi and pledged another £1.3 million to Ukraine. Protestors waved Ukrainian flags and shouted ‘murderer!’ at Russian ambassador to Poland, Sergey Andreev. Ukrainian refugee Iryna Zenlyana had to flee after chucking borscht at him. Vlod awarded Jack Russel Patron a military service medal for unearthing 200 explosives.

Tuesday, I posted the journal’s April entry, got rid of the dead cactus, reused the pot and chanced sprouting celery in the greenhouse, protected from slugs by the last of a roll of copper tape.

His mum suffering ‘episodic’ mobility issues, Bonny Prince Charlie read the 8 mins 45 secs queens speech. Even he looked bemused in ridiculous Admiral of The Fleet regalia. Starting with plans for high-wage, high-skill jobs, it went onto list a load of stuff we already knew and a pile of guff on Brexit. Predictably no immediate help, Keir called it: “The latest chapter in a pathetic response to the cost of living crisis.” The IPPR said it was ‘cosmetic surgery for an economy facing a heart attack’ and Child Poverty Action lamented ‘a far cry from what struggling families needed to hear’. The CBI welcomed ambitions for a growing economy. Well, the capitalist would, wouldn’t they? The 2-year programme belied speculation of an early general election. Phil reckoned it was because Boris knew tories were too spineless to get rid of him. I thought he was the spineless one, having taken out everything that upset back-benchers.

Aberdeen University and King’s College found diabetes trebled the risk of severe covid and doubled that of death but could decline if well-managed. in an effort to disrupt supply lines, Odesa was pounded. Russia’s modern precision weapons depleted, old Soviet stock was more likely to miss intended targets.

Waking with tummy ache Wednesday, I struggled on. Crap morning weather, depression and fatigue mitigated against a planned trip to big town. I moped. Despite Phil’s efforts to cheer me up and the sun coming out, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. In the end, I finished spring cleaning the study, left him to hang pictures on dust-free walls, steamed winter coats and asked for help putting them away. Normally doable by standing on the bed, he fetched the ladders. When I said even I could do it with ladders, a tiff ensued, worsening my exhaustion.

On BBC Breakfast, a supercilious Glove-Puppet dismissed the idea of an emergency budget and affected silly voices: “It’s an example of some commentators trying to take a statement that is commonsensical, turning it into – capital letters – a big news story, when The Treasury quite rightly say ‘calm down’ ” (in a Scouse accent). Rayner tweeted: “Is the cost of living crisis just a joke to them? This is not a serious government. We need an emergency budget right now.” Nandy said Gove was “making jokes and using silly voices while families across the country are struggling to survive. This isn’t a game…Take it seriously. Do your job”. He also told GMB calls for Boris to resign over Partygate were ‘bonkeroony’. “Snifferoony more like!” snorted Phil. Memes of The Puppet sniffing coke ensued.

The poorest hit harder now than at the height of covid as rising prices and government policy pushed 1.5 m into poverty, NIESR* suggested a £25 a week increase in Universal Credit to stop ¼ million households ‘sliding into extreme poverty’. Labour MP Alex Cunningham said there should be no need for food banks. Ashfield MP Lee Anderson, ex-miner and labour councillor turned tory twat, incredulously replied there wasn’t; if people budgeted and cooked properly, they could make a meal from scratch for 30p. Tracy Bin proposed a £2 cap on Yorkshire bus fares. Ukraine cut off a gas pipeline to Europe. Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Akleh was shot dead in the West Bank. Palestinians blamed, her colleague who survived the attack knew it was Israeli soldiers. Police waded into her funeral Friday, hit mourners with batons and almost toppled the coffin. Dan James was sent off during Leeds United’s 3-0 defeat to Chelsea. More red cards than any other team, at least they’d win something this season!

On the market Thursday, a couple told Jolly Veg Man about the Eden Project coming to Morecambe. Comparing it to Southport and Blackpool. As Jolly Veg called the latter kitsch, I extolled its virtues. An old mate chipped in he used to go for Northern Soul weekends and recently visited while protesting against fracking on Preston New Road. He worried that not only would the public order bill ban direct action (XR vowed millions would take to the streets against it), the security bill allowed authorities to break the law. He agreed even tories were realising Boris was awful, excepting gammons saying ‘at least he got Brexit done’. “I’m still waiting for Rees-Moggy to tell us what the benefits are!” Phil joined me in the square and we headed into the Mill Café. Not tempted by the menu, we made a quick exit, laughing at a lamp made from a cheap old camera in the shop window – a snip at £75! In the tearoom garden, we debated the NI protocol. Phil thought Irish Joe would stop them scrapping it. The next day, Lord Frosty said Joe should keep out of it. Would Airforce One be landing soon? Phil spent ages browsing the camera cabinet in the big charity shop and got nowt. I bought DVDs, an old postcard and a dress. Looking posh, it was, incredibly, Matalan! In the children’s hospice shop, we found Photographer Friend. With a recent penchant for the colour, she tried on a pair of orange sandals. I observed they were too big. Phil disagreed. Luckily, she took my advice.

A caller told Jeremy Vine that at his food bank, a woman called tory policy ‘capitalism for the poor and socialism for the rich’ i.e., the poor had to pay their own way while the rich got tax breaks. Touché! GDP shrank by 0.1% in March, largely due to less retail spending. Rishi blamed Putin and ‘other global challenges’ (which he couldn’t make ‘disappear’) rather than Brexit or government inaction. National Grid did a deal with Ofgem to pay us £200 million excess profits; which worked out at £9 per household over 2 years. Wow! At an away day in Stoke, Boris instructed cabinet to find ways of cutting civil servants by 1/5. The biggest departments being the crucial ones like health, DWP, MOD, and as the PCS pointed out, DVLA and Passport Office clearing a backlog, furious unions warned of strikes. Mark Serwotka, said: “This is not about efficiency. This is about the prime minister trying to create a smokescreen to detract from his utter shambles of a government.” Dave Penman, FDA added: “without an accompanying strategy these cuts appear…like culture wars or even worse, ill-thought out, rushed job slashes.” Prospect’s Mike Clancy called it: “an outrageous act of vandalism on our public services…Throughout Brexit and the pandemic, we have never been more reliant…on our civil service.” After BP said it wouldn’t affect investment, Rishi apparently told Treasury staff to investigate a windfall tax. Boris conceded: “we’ll have to look at it.” Another 50 Partygate fines brought the total to over 100, many relating to the December 2020 Christmas party. As the EU prepared to lift requirements for flight passengers to wear masks next Monday, Lufthansa stopped Orthodox Jews boarding at Frankfurt for refusing to wear them. They later apologised. After Boris co-signed military agreements with both countries, spooked by the Ukrainian invasion, traditionally neutral Sweden and Finland (with an 800-mile land border with Russia) applied to join NATO. Boffins grew cress in soil from the moon and an EHT** collaboration took the first photos of a 40 million miles-wide supermassive black hole.

Friday 13^th, I’d forgot I’d left the laptop updating overnight and waited impatiently for it to restart. Combined with Phil’s ramblings interrupting my thoughts, it was some time before I could write.

Dodging dust from Shed Man sawing chipboard for oversized planters, I headed to the co-op for the usual gaps on shelves and reduced steak. I spotted Phil at the kiosk and sent him back for mushrooms while I loaded the conveyor.

Coming back, he pointed to a pigeon nesting in an ‘air brick’ at the back of house, explaining quizzical looks through the kitchen window – we had a squatter!

North Korea admitted they had coronavirus due to Omicron. Carlsberg boss Martin Entwistle lost an unfair dismissal case for holding a piss-up in a brewery during restrictions. Suffering heavy losses in Donbas, Russia threatened to cut off Finland’s gas while Ukraine started the first war crimes trial. A Russian tank commander pleaded guilty. Maybe a life sentence was preferable to returning to Russia.

Shed Man’s hammering woke me early Saturday. I tossed and turned ‘til 9, then he stopped! Milk in the jug lumpy, I replenished but that also turned to cheese. Still in date, was the warm weather, crap co-op stock-keeping or Brexit to blame? A beautiful day, I ignored tiredness to visit a higher wood, our efforts rewarded by our first lambs, more bluebells and poppies. Gorgeous but somewhat strenuous, back home I experienced wooziness and deafening tinnitus. Both overheated, tepid showers helped (for more details, see Cool Places ⁱ)

Sam Ryder’s stellar Eurovision performance put the UK top of the judges’ leader board. Inevitably overtaken by Ukraine thanks to the public, what was the point of the interminable voting? Germany came last and France sang in Breton – almost English! Kalush Orchestra later auctioned their trophy for £713,000 and raffled the frontman’s pink hat for £293,000 towards the war effort. Gone midnight, we watched a short film and I attempted to photograph the almost-full super blood moon just as clouds covered it.

Ed Millipede called a windfall tax ‘an unanswerable case’ and urged Rishi ‘get on with it’. On Sunday Morning, Wannabee PM Jeremy C**t said it wasn’t the time for a leadership change and Kwasi Modo unbelievably said they didn’t expect the EU to fully implement the Northern Ireland protocol. Politics North footage showed outraged gammons meeting in Linton-on-Ouse village hall after letters to government went unanswered. the RAF base was called Alcatraz and Guantanamo-on-Ouse. Gammon-on-Ouse more like! Refugees slated to arrive within weeks, there was no sign of them by the end of the month. Ministers said arrangements weren’t finalised. A statute of Thatcher in Grantham was egged during installation.

Ludicrous

Even with an anorak, taking rubbish out on a wet Monday made me soggy and moody. I checked when Walking Friend would arrive. Right then, as it turned out. Heading to town, we came across The Poet who checked details for wild swimming and a bonfire with their Bradford Friend Wednesday. Having lunch in the Mill Café, I initially thought grittiness was in lettuce but it was actually the day’s special of spinach frittata. The waitress took it away to be replaced by a regular toasty. Finishing tea on the terrace, my friend unbelievably received a call asking her to work. She declined at such short notice. In the small hospice shop, a guidebook to the lakes omitted her holiday spot. Perhaps that’s why she found it so idyllic. As the sun emerged, she asked if I fancied a hike. “No way! I’m already flagging and still need to go to the co-op.” Bargain shopping en route, I got dinner plates and a scarf, which I tried wrapping round the plates to stop them banging my legs. Now too hot for the anorak, I stuffed it in the carrier. A small girl on the wavy steps wore a tiara and another a pinny and cap. We speculated as to whether it was fancy dress or normal everyday attire. As we parted ways, I staggered to the co-op. The ATM empty, I resentfully paid for 2 items by card and struggled home, cursing the heavy crockery – at £2.50 for 4 and an exact match for our cracked ones, I couldn’t pass them up. I collapsed on the sofa where Phil predictably tutted at the food grit story – he’d have eaten it without complaint. A siesta fruitless, I sighed with fatigue. As he eyed me askance, I reminded him rather harshly, he’d promised to dispose of dead flowers. He snapped back he would do it. Upset, I stomped to the bedroom and heard him going to the bins before coming to see if I needed anything. Calmer by then, I replied I’d just needed some time to myself.

Towing the party line on focusing on long-term economic growth, safeguarding minister Helen Maclean incredibly said the answer for some was to work more hours or get another job. A caller told Jeremy Vine many food bank users already had 2 jobs and still couldn’t afford to eat. Ian Murray called the advice ludicrous and out of touch and Frances O’Grady called it ‘a bit rich’. What do you expect from rich tory snobs? McDonalds were to sell all 850 Russian restaurants.

Feeling terrible Tuesday, I stayed in bed. Phil seemed surprised that my exhaustion hadn’t dissipated overnight. “You still don’t get it!” I railed. “Yes I do.” After bathing, I fetched the laptop to write while he got supplies. During afternoon coffee, I hurled mouldy grapes out the bathroom window. They landed neatly in the community garden. I doubted they’d grow into vines.

3.7% unemployment, there were more vacancies than jobless for the first time in almost 50 years, but wages stayed low. Disparities in Yorkshire, especially between Bradford and Leeds, were stark. Calling it a postcode lottery, National Energy Action complained those who didn’t pay by direct debit faced longer waits for council tax rebates and as vulnerable families turned off their gas and leccy, Feeding Britain called on Ofgem to intervene. The Police Fed gave Nasty Patel a hard time. Fair enough, but why did you need food banks on £40,000 a year? Trussed-up Liz informed MPs of plans for a trusted trader scheme and green and red lanes in Northern Ireland. Likely illegal, Maros Sefcovic warned the EU would respond with ‘all measures at its disposal’ if Britain acted unilaterally. They wanted negotiations based on their October 2021 proposals which Truss had rejected. Stephen Doughty alleged they either didn’t understand their own agreement, they weren’t upfront about its reality or they intended to break it all along. A court heard Trafalgar Square rallies August-December 2020 broke covid laws. ‘Holding’ not the same as ‘organising’ a gathering, would tinfoiler Piers Corbyn get off on a technicality? Ukraine declared the Mariupol mission complete, 260 steel plant fighters were evacuated to separatist-controlled territory, and 1,000 surrendered by Wednesday.

Woken by tweeting birds in the early dawn, confused by the days and unable to even stretch, I stayed abed Wednesday and watched PMQs. After an arrest for sexual offences and abuse of public office, an unnamed tory was on bail and told not to attend. Cartoon Fabricant tweeted he’d be there to prove it wasn’t him. The opposition focused on fuel. When a backbencher claimed 9,000 died last year due to cold homes, Boris prated about a £9.1 bn package and offered hollow sympathy. Keir dwelt on windfall tax, quoting company bosses in favour of it, to be given unemployment figures, claims hikes were short-term and spurious arguments on the principles of business tax. Asked when he was going to cut bills, Boris promised to look at measures to get people through to the other side and hinted at tax cuts in July; only possible as they took tough decisions during the pandemic. Keir spluttered: “He doesn’t get it!” While the PM dithered and pretended the economy was booming, gas bills went up £53 m a day, profits soared; we’d heard it all before and couldn’t afford to wait. Ian Blackford wondered how Rishi could say acting now was silly while his colleagues advised we learn to cook and get better jobs. Ed Davey said farmers could help feed us, but costs of the 3 F’s (fuel, feed, fertiliser) through the roof, they’d slashed support before embedding a new scheme. Action for Children asserted families needed help now, not warm words hinting at future action.

Getting hot, I opened the window for a bee to instantly buzz in. Lunching alone, I considered putting the TV back on for company. However, I manged to keep to the new regime of not doing so even though it was hard breaking the habit. In the muggy evening, The Met Office warned of blood rain and yellow thunder. 20,000 lightning strikes recorded, houses set afire and travel disruption in the South East, we had none.

April Inflation hit 9% – a 40-year high. Closer to 11% for the poor whose income mostly went on food and fuel, at least they could eat spuds which dropped in price. First-time shoplifters stealing to eat, Kit Shithouse ludicrously said cops should always prosecute, even the starving. Martin Lewis retaliated with threats of ‘civil unrest’. We lived in hope! Rishi Rich told the CBI there’d be business tax cuts in autumn. Oil giant CEs labelled the ‘new oligarchs’, he was said to be ‘warming’ to a windfall tax, with the public wildly in favour. The Rwanda plot failing to put migrants off, Border Farce used ferries to rescue them from dinghies in the channel. Prof Van Dam’s knighthood ceremony was postponed as he caught covid.

Much better by noon Thursday, I accompanied Phil to town for a bit of shopping and flower-spotting in the sunshine. Sweet Shop Man joked about his partner aka sister-in-law. I refused to get involved in domestics but at least he wasn’t bemoaning prices for a change. Rooks squawked on the riverside. Unusual for the larger corvids to come into the centre, a glut of food including cake and pan-o-rice could explain it. We giggled at geese parading their fluffy goslings in front of paddling kids. They’d obviously learnt begging techniques from the jackdaws!

Annoyed Phil let me sort groceries alone, I lay down to rest but got tummy ache and asked him to bring washing in.

Operation Hillman concluded. 126 Partygate FPNs, Boris nor Carrie, Rishi or Simon Case, got more. Sue Gray’s report unlikely to name all those involved and cops not explaining why Boris was fined for attending the cake ambush and not any of the more ‘serious’ events, Former DPP Lord Ken MacDonald griped: “without the police providing an explanation for that it’s very difficult for us to understand why they came to the conclusions that they did…This was a major scandal at the heart of government…we remain very much in the dark about who was involved, who organised the parties, and who was responsible…that’s not good enough.” Yvette Coop added: “These were the people making the rules, the PM was in charge, he needs to take responsibility.” Bereaved families said they’d been ‘gaslit’.

The weather back to normal grey Friday, and darkly wet by evening, at least I was up and about. I expunged the worst muck from the living room and kitchen. In the co-op, it took 3 attempts for the reader to accept my card. My namesake said it didn’t like Satan’s Bank. An item seemingly missing from the freezer deal, when he arrived to help carry, Phil said he’d get it the next day. But he was later immobilised by a recurring back problem. Flareups often random, he blamed heavy bags. As he put a finger-trigger to his head, I advocated painkillers rather than suicide. He settled for wine.

Autumn covid jabs for the vulnerable and older age groups would exclude us. Rees-Moggy poo-pooed a windfall tax as ‘raiding the honeypot of business’ while Rishi and Ms. Murthy made the Sunday Times Rich List. Colchester, Doncaster, Milton Keynes, Bangor, Dunfermline, Wrexham, Douglas and Stanley were made cities for the jubilee. Blackburn, Boston, Crewe and Goole missed out. Wondering why never Blackpool, I discovered their last bid in 2011 was withdrawn as the labour mayor thought it a waste of money and brought no benefits – nobody didn’t visit because they didn’t know where it was.

Hot flushes and hunger meant no lie-in Saturday. I left Phil to a bath soak. Stressed by a cluttered kitchen, it deepened when he brought the washing down. I’d deliberately not asked him to, but he said putting socks on was harder. I replied to an e-mail from The Researcher on the guest blog and expo venues and mused over an arts festival launch. It seemed odd to be happening during the jubilee weekend, until I noted they got Platinum Funding. Not known for being royalist, townsfolk obviously changed their tune when money was offered! As Phil insisted on taking over the hoovering, manageable by sitting on the floor, I went out to potter. Failing to fix secateurs with a missing spring, he helped prune anyway. I cooked the bulk of dinner then he put rice on, went to buy baccy and left the pan to boil dry.

Early Sunday leg cramp eventually eased with shaking and rubbing. Not wishing to disturb Phil, I was about to get brekkie when he sprang to life. His back still bad, he groaned, apologised, then suggested an outing. Mishearing, I thought he said for lunch. “No, a run.” “Really? Can you even walk?” “A bit.” “Is it a good idea? I had no plans as I thought you wouldn’t be able to do actual walking and the weather’s a bit crap.” He insisted on getting out. We took a cyberman helmet to the nearby charity shop (good riddance!) and went to the park to see flora. While the ‘wildflower patch’ was mowed, we found tons of dandelion clocks and daisies, horse chestnut candles and 1 clover.

On Sunday Morning, E-on boss Michael Lewis said rising gas prices were due to the Russian pipeline – I recalled it started before then. Citing schemes to help people struggling with bills, he admitted they could do more. Higher standing charges due to ‘failures’ last year, he couldn’t lower costs but had lobbied Ofgem to do so and government to do more such as reinstating the UC uplift. Queried on the £6.6 bn profit, he said that was worldwide and equated to £20 per customer in the UK. Moonlighting from a heist movie we’d just watched, Nads Zahawi spouted the usual blather and deflection over Partygate. As nobody named in the Gray report objected before the 5.00 p.m. deadline, publication was imminent. In a thrilling end to the season at the top and bottom of the premiership, Leeds beat Brentford to stay in at Burnley’s expense.

WTF!

Waking with a heavy head Monday 23^rd, Phil interrupted haiga posting telling me he’d sold a tapestry, weirdly costing the same as a standard print. I imagined his brutalist photos writ large rather than trees. In the co-op, I inquired about the missing freezer deal item. The nice cashier directed me to a colleague who indicated a solitary pack which I’d missed. By then, a queue had formed at the kiosk. I waited ages for an ancient man to pay a gas bill. On hearing a booming ‘hello’, I turned to see New Gran’s partner. Poised to ask if she’d bought the oil painting, he was off. After lugging bags and stuffing the freezer, I was knackered.

Following days of denials, No. 10 admitted Boris, anticipating the end of Operation Hillman, met Sue Gray early May to discuss ‘timings and publication process’ of her report. ITV news published pics of Boris drinking behind a booze-littered table, toasting Lee Cain at his leaving do, November 2020. Rayner railed: “This is clearly a social gathering…people will be disgusted.” No. 10 insisted The Met had access to all photos. Insiders told Panorama weekly parties, condoned by the PM, were listed in the diary as WTF – ‘Wine-Time Friday’.

Tuesday mostly a boring round of chores and writing, we discussed potential for touting my photos. He reckoned I had even more of flowers than him and thinking daisies and dandelions might make good placemats, I edited some, signed up to Society 6, but chickened out of verifying the account.

Spreading since last week to 18 countries, there were 71 monkeypox cases in the UK. The infected had to self-isolate for 21 days. Responsive to smallpox vaccine and Tecovirimat and most cases mild, the wider population was at low risk. 80 climate protestors took over Shell’s AGM and 3 arrested. Lithuania proposed a passage to get grain out of Odesa, defying the Russians to stop a fleet of ships. Allegedly raised with Trussed-Up Liz, Downing Street dismissed the idea. As idiots swarmed onto the Elizabeth Line, a fire alarm caused chaos. Cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma pleaded guilty and would do 180 hours community service. A geothermal exploration project in Ryedale inspired daft ideas about re-activating extinct volcanoes. Who wouldn’t want a boiling hot lido in the middle of Edinburgh?

Wednesday morning, Phil took up my offer of fetching brekkie “I see, you only want to do it on apple days!” A Westminster TV marathon involved PMQs, a statement from Boris and a response from Keir.

Undistracted by a skirt-clad Rayner crossing her legs, Boris boasted he was great, had driven up investment and jobs and put his arms round people (ugh!) doable by taking tough decisions. Keir said the PM had seen sense at last regarding a windfall tax, quipped hindsight was a wonderful thing and referring to delivery to No. 10 that morning, asked: “What was it about the Sue Gray report that attracted him to a U-turn this week?” Boris reacted with more bragging, bizarrely saying: “Put that in your pipe!” Accused of complacency leading to the lowest growth of all major economies except Russia and a passport backlog, Boris babbled.

Responding to the Gray reportⁱⁱⁱ, Boris said he took full responsibility but wanted to explain the context. According to him, there were 8 breaches of covid laws in over 600 days. Staff, allowed to go to the office under exemptions, worked long hours, and he sometimes went briefly when they ‘gathered’, to thank them for hard work. He was unaware that some went on longer than necessary and fell foul of the rules as Gray found, because he wasn’t there and was ‘appalled’ by some behaviour, particularly the treatment of security and cleaning staff to whom he apologised and expected those responsible to apologise. He pointed out Gray acknowledged the ‘significant changes’ already made in line with recommendations in her interim report. Keir countered the report was testament to how they’d treated the public’s sacrifices with utter contempt, believing it was ‘one rule for them, another for everyone else’. It was about trust; he was clear what leadership looked like and didn’t break any rules. Any attempt to compare drinking beer with a meal to ‘this catalogue’ was ridiculous, but he would step down if found guilty, because honesty, integrity and responsibility mattered. “The game is up. You can’t be a law-maker and a law-breaker”; it was time the PM packed his bags so government could function again. Boris retaliated that a sanctimonious ‘Sir Beer Korma’ failed to live up to the high standards he expected from him. A privileges committee investigation into contempt by the PM would drag on.

A siesta hampered by external noise and coldness, I donned leggings under my jeans – in late May FFS!

Working on my novel for the first time in months Thursday, I got distracted researching conjuring tricks. Fed up stuck in the house again on a showery day, a decent Friday forecast again raised hopes of something fun. I forbade Phil help with the co-op shop. Amidst the usual random foray, several items had noticeably gone up in price but with an effort hunting out basic ranges and 2 for 1 offers, I stayed in budget. I agreed with Jack Munroe who told the BBC shopping on £20 a week was ‘exhausting’ as she supported Superdrug’s pledge on basic toiletries. Late evening, a sunny spell tempted me outside. Clambering on the bench moving pots around, my knee got wet and I went back in after 5 minutes. Phil emerged from a rest groaning, saying it was just a twinge – likely story!

Rishi Rich announced a £400 discount per household regardless of wealth and including second homes, instead of the £200 loan, with top-ups for low income households on benefits, disability benefit recipients and pensioners. There’d also be another £500 m for councils to allocate. £10 bn more borrowing and a 25% ‘energy levy’ (NOT windfall tax!) raising £5 bn from oil and gas companies, would pay for it. Unlevied electricity generators were under review. The NEF reckoned a 91% tax relief on investment would cost more at £5.7 bn, and the true cost was £21 bn. Rachel Reeves said Rishi was dragged kicking and screaming into a U-turn: “the chancellor has finally realised the problems the country are facing (sic).” Suspiciously soon after Gray’s report, Ed Davey griped it only replaced what was taken away in taxes and called it a ‘Rishi Scam’. He could have said party trick! The SNP agreed it wasn’t enough as the increased price cap would still exist next year. The IFS warned it might lead to more inflation and staunch tories termed it ‘throwing red meat to socialists’. Rishi insisted it was pragmatic. Paul Hebbletwit gave a sham apology to sacked P&O workers, saying there was no other way to deal with the situation. The shitshow subsequently lost a contract with Border Farce to provide contingency travel services at juxtaposed ports, whatever that meant! M&S finally pulled out of Russia, warning it’d cost £31m. RMT members at Euston and Green Park cancelled a tube strike during jubilee weekend but there’d be a much bigger one Monday 6^th June. Meanwhile, Mick Lynch said there could be a deal to avert a national rail strike if bosses talked.

Interminable faffing meant it was gone by the time we went walking Friday. The bright afternoon looked inviting but a biting wind made us shiver. We walked on the sunny towpath, detouring to explore a desire path and speak to an elderly man about his funny old souped-up car. Phil conjured images of a geriatric F&F, with OAPs racing in the deserted early morning streets. We returned via the park where the woman who lived next door was meeting a friend. Not seeing each other for weeks, we chatted briefly. According to her sister, Poland also had unseasonal wind – was it the same one? (for more details, see Cool Placesⁱ)

I left Phil at the co-op to find an ambulance backing up our street. Concerned for The Widower, I was relieved to see him pass – it was probably a regular call for End Neighbour. Too late for a siesta, I got coffee then realised Phil wasn’t back and must’ve gone to town. I rang to ask him to buy pickles but he was almost home.

Nasty Patel’s PPS Paul Holmes quit due to the ‘toxic culture’. Daniel Briceno Garcia was found guilty of stabbing his landlords in a bloodbath while paranoid about covid in lockdown #1. After EasyJet cancelled 200 flights due to a glitch, the Port of Dover told people heading to the continent to pack food and water in anticipation of delays and the RAC predicted 17.9 million leisure trips over the weekend.

Gardening on a mostly cloudy Saturday, I overheated during a blast of sun, stripped off a layer and gulped water. I caught the woman next door racing from car to door, and talked to Decorating Neighbour who suffered from chronic fatigue, possibly post-viral. I shared my wisdom, experiences of life on a reduced income and unreadiness for foreign travel. He concurred but planned to visit his daughter in Australia later in the year. Phil came out in a shirt. Was he off somewhere? No; just too hot. Despite Friday’s walk affecting his back, he tidied up a rosebush and made chapatis to go with curry. I’d forgot how much smoke they produced, which all rose to the bedroom. “Do it outside in future; on a bin lid!” I coughed.

Screeching geese and leg cramp, for the second Sunday running, ate into shuteye. Rising woozily, I opened the curtains to see grey to the east and blue to the west, which soon went. I hurried to the Sunday market for fresh supplies, getting spat on in the cool air. The crammed square a slalom, I found the knobbly veg stall already packing up, grabbed a few items and went to the convenience store. Back home, the woman next door was getting in her car. It tickled us that we’d now seen each other 3 times in as many days. Mentioning the veg trip, she told me she was fasting because she lacked energy – go figure! I spent the rest of the day on an Ocado order, writing and avoiding toadying, now in full swing in the build-up to the jubilee.

The Bumbler changed the ministerial code so they no longer had to resign if they broke it. Met with derision and claims it was to save the PM’s own skin, 4 more tories publicised letters to the 1922 committee. Swiss Toni insisted Boris would survive a confidence vote and Sue Gray wasn’t pressured to amend her report. Raging over its contents, Boris shouted ‘put the dog down!’; referring to a barking Dilyn. Apparently not the first time, it wasn’t as bad as yelling: ‘I am the effing Fuhrer’ despot-style as The Scumbag attested. An aide wrote Simon Case that Carrie held another flat party after the cake ambush which wasn’t investigated. Rayner demanded the PM came clean. Johnny Depp unbelievably turned up as a special guest at Jeff Beck’s gig in Sheffield. It later transpired he’d won his case against Amber Herd. Meanwhile in Paris, The Mona Lisa was ambushed by cake by a man disguised as a granny in a climate change protest and the champions league final turned into a debacle. The French blamed Liverpool fans with fake tickets. Russia advancing in the east, Vlod visited frontline troops in Donetsk. After Finland and Sweden held talks with Turkey over their NATO bid, Recep still objected, saying they protected the PKK.

With numb limbs, I rose late Monday, posted a haiga, sent photos to The Researcher for the takeover blog and worked on the journal. Adding chick peas to leftover curry sauce for lunch, I observed it came to under 30p a portion, then realised with bread, it didn’t! Metro’s Liz Burcher did it for a week, ate less than 900 calories a day and lost half a stone. A trip to the co-op quiet during half-term, I substituted extortionate pitta for tortillas. Was there a yeast shortage? Was it from Ukraine?

Senior tory Jeremy Wright issued a no confidence statement, bringing the known total to 28. ONS tracked 30 food basics bought by low income households since April 2021, showing pasta up 50%. Bread, mince, rice, juice, cereal, chicken, veg oil, baked beans, onions, toms, tea, coffee, bananas and mixed frozen veg, amongst other things, went up. Besides spuds, chips, sausages, pizza, apples and cheese went down. Milk stayed the same. The algorithm excluded Aldi and Lidl as they didn’t allow online ordering, and obviously co-op freezer deals. A vindicated Jack Munroe said people were priced out of their own dinners. On the covid front, face-mask were no longer required in Wales, Shanghai lifted a 2-month lockdown but citizens had to wear masks and avoid gatherings, and 3 gorillas tested positive at Cabarceno Nature Park, Spain.

Waking lots in the early hours, getting up was even harder on Tuesday. By the time I’d bathed, lateness reached weekend levels. As I cleaned the inside of the living room windows, Phil quipped it was in case the queen came round. “I think she’s busy this weekend, but you can put your bunting up, ha, ha!” A chugger knocked on the door as I brought step ladders down. I said it was a bad time. “I’ll come back later.” ‘Don’t bother!’ I muttered.

Andrea Leadskull told constituents that as Gray exposed unacceptable leadership failures, tories must decide individually on the right course of action. Will Haig reckoned MPs went back to their constituents in half-term and had a think, Boris was in ‘real trouble’ and a confidence vote imminent. Boris desperately rang round colleagues to garner support. He also wrote to civil servants, thanking them in one sentence and telling them there jobs were at risk in the next, according to Mark Serwotka. Meanwhile, Durham police sent Keir and Rayner Beergate questionnaires. Teaching unions asked Rishi and heist movie actor Nads Zahawi for free school meals for all kids of families on Universal Credit. Euro-zone inflation hit 8.1%, due to the usual suspects of fuel, covid and the war but not Brexit! As Russia blamed sanctions for the food crisis, Vlod accused them of lying and stealing 500,000 tons of grain. The EU would embargo 90% of Russian oil imports by the end of 2022, exempting the Druzhba (‘friendship’) pipeline to appease Viktor Orban.

* National Institute of Economic and Social Research

** Event Horizon Telescope

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. The Sue Gray Report: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1078404/2022-05-25_FINAL_FINDINGS_OF_SECOND_PERMANENT_SECRETARY_INTO_ALLEGED_GATHERINGS.pdf

Part 103 – Ship Of Fools

“(They) broke the law and took us all for mugs. If they had any decency they would be gone by tonight” (Lobby Akinnola)

April Fools

The world ran by a bunch of fools, we didn’t mark the 1^st of the month with April Fools jokes. The grocery bill was mercifully not too hefty but the bags were. I cursed not asking for Phil’s help lugging them home. Motivated by persons unknown sweeping the steps at the side of the house, I cleared the gutter Saturday, failing to unblock the end. Cloudy all weekend, at least it didn’t rain during the free Crossings walk and workshop Sunday. In the art shed carpark, The Leader made introductions and dished out notebooks. We set off on familiar paths, noting a profusion of daffodils absent from the riverside 2 weeks ago, along with wood anemones. Returning on the lesser-travelled Crows path, a walker’s action volunteer related its rescue from developers by residents 12 years ago. Back at base, we got free tea and cake. Amazed such project funding still existed, Phil ate 3 pieces. The workshop proved inspiring although I remained sceptical about the over-use of descriptions. Featuring heavily in creative writing these days, I suspected it featured in university courses. Later, I selected photos for the project showcase including a haiga.ⁱ

The covid rate at 1:13, Prof Naismith said we were all likely to have BA.2 by summer. Easter hols starting for some, chaos ensued at ferry terminals and airports. Officially blamed on absence and covid checks, the shortages were also due to furloughed staff leaving. Security checks on 220 new recruits awaited, passengers missed flights at Manchester airport and boss Karen Not-So-Smart resigned. 45 buses and 2 Red Cross trucks headed to besieged Mariupol. Evacuation underway at last, a photo-journalist got shot. The Pope criticised ‘dictatorial leaders’ and said the world couldn’t ignore the migrant crisis. As the Oscars academy continued with disciplinary procedures, Will Smith resigned.

Barely able to move Monday morning, after 10 minutes stretching, I got back in bed. Phil looked offended when I didn’t laugh at his larks but I felt too awful. I made a big effort to fetch coffee and the laptop. Going up and downstairs exhausting, pains shot through my head and I became tearful. Covid infections still rising, the list of symptoms now included fatigue, exhaustion, aching, headaches, sore throats, shortness of breath, blocked or runny nose, loss of appetite, diarrhoea and nausea. So all of them! Wondering if I had it, Phil reckoned they were symptoms of living in England. In fact, additions were to stop people going to work with flu. Feeling overwhelmed by a ‘to do’ list, I posted the haiga, dispatched photos for the showcase, and worked on blogs. Except mealtimes, I stayed abed for 3 dull days.

5-11 year olds were offered low dose jabs. Oil terminal blockades by Just Stop Oil and XR into a third day, 100 protestors were arrested in Kingsbury. Lucy Powell called the privatisation of Channel 4 ‘cultural vandalism’. Tracy Brabin feared for Leeds jobs and ‘We Own It’ told Dreadful Doris to keep her hands off.

Less head pain and a bit cheerier Tuesday, I posted an entry on Cool Placesⁱⁱ , stopping writing when head fug set in. Phil went to the co-op. Another power cut meant no fresh milk or veg.

The covid Situation in Shanghai ‘extremely grim’, citizens suffered lockdowns and online food shortages. After visiting Bucha, Vlod addressed the UN security council, saying the worst war crimes since WW2 merited Nuremberg-style trials. Russian rep Vasily Nebenzya dismissed footage as fake and pro-Putin broadcaster Vlad Solovyov said they chose the name because it sounded like butcher. Red paint was poured in the propagandist’s Italian villa pools. Back after a glitch, Jeremy Vine appeared with hand-written signs. As Cuadrilla were given another year to explore fracking in Lancashire, Mike Gammon claimed reports of tremors were Russian propaganda. Err, no, it’s you believing in conspiracy nonsense!

Eking the last of the fresh milk, Phil made porridge on Wednesday and went to the other shop. Working on ‘Home from Home’ (see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱⁱ) took most of my day. After ineffectual quiet time, I went to the kitchen and panicked when I saw no milk, then spotted it in a bag. Prepping dinner together a bit fraught, I left him to it and dossed on the sofa. As he sent off photos for the showcase, he asked me to check details but I said it was far too late to think and went back to bed.

While Boris defended the National Insurance rise to fund the NHS and Goblin Saj pressed patients to return, 6 Yorkshire hospitals warned them to stay away from A&E, unless dying. In the latest sanctions, the UK added 8 Russian oligarchs to the list, froze Sberbank and Credit Bank of Moscow’s assets, banned outward investment and iron and steel imports, and vowed to stop coal imports by the end of the year. Sanctioning Russian PM Mikhail Mishustin and Putin’s 2 daughters Maryia Putina and Katerina Tikhonova, the US also cut off links with Sberbank as well as Alfa Bank.

Better but lacking energy Thursday, we were sat on the sofa when Phil noticed a reply from the Crossings workshop leader, even though he’d only sent his photos the night before. I was incensed until I saw she’d e-mailed me too. Supplies low, I headed to the market in the nithering wind. What a load of rubbish! No loo roll or fish, I got a few veg and went in the convenience store to find reduced chicken and bacon, so not a completely wasted trip.

The energy strategy mainly featured hydrogen, offshore wind and nuclear power. Great British Nuclear had a target to fulfil 25% of demand by 2060, building a power station a year. There was a £30m competition to make heat pumps, and a new round of licensing for north sea oil and gas from autumn, despite UN calls for rapid cuts in fossil fuel use. Onshore wind unpopular, it was encouraged with discounts for affected communities. Keir called it too little too late and: “a cobbled together list of things that should have been done over the last 10 to 12 years…(and) doesn’t even tackle important things like insulating homes…” Kwarteng had already ordered a report into the science and impact of fracking, but said the pause in extraction would stay unless new evidence showed it was ‘safe, sustainable and of minimal disturbance…’ A 23-mile lorry queue at Dover caused chaos on roads surrounding the M20. Suspended P&O crossings were blamed – nowt to do with Brexit! UNHRC threw Russia out. Ukrainian Foreign minister Dmytro Kuleba begged for weapons to save lives and prevent the war spilling over into other territories. Beloved Mr Ben creator David McKee died. My tiny kid-fish brain never clocked there were only 13 episodes!

No Joke

Friday, I worked on the journal and waited impatiently in the co-op for a man dithering and a cashier fiddling with buttons. Coming to help, Phil had a cheeky search for long-gone chocolate slabs on the easter display. Finding none, he said he’d have to go elsewhere but with 3 bars at home, I told him not to bother. Rising from a siesta, a marked drop in temperature presaged a loud crack of thunder followed by large balls of ice – thunder hail! It soon turned to rain. Enjoyment of dinner was marred by Phil telling me Rishi Rich was technically a US resident until recently, thus not paying UK tax. The scum held a Green Card until October 2021! He demanded an enquiry into the source of the leak. The opposition demanded ministers declared their residency status. Meanwhile, Ms. Murthy said she “understood the British sense of fairness”, coughed up UK tax on her income but remained a non-dom.

Covid rates still high across the UK, they rose in the Yorkshire region to 1:12, but fell slightly in Scotland. Thousands in hospital but not on ventilators, ONS said it was too soon to say infections were levelling off. A Russian missile hit a train station in Kramatorsk, killing 50 trying to evacuate before a full-scale offensive.

Phil answered a door knock early Saturday to be handed an easter ‘goody bag’ from the local carers’ group. Containing a fleece blanket, thermometer, first aid kit, jelly sweets, greetings card, fluffy chick and chocolate bar (making 4 in total), it resembled an elderly care package. Phil joked about sticking the thermometer up his bum. I cleaned the living room and he overhauled the kitchen lights, then rested in a bid to ease tummy ache. His discomfort persisted into Sunday. That didn’t stop him coming foraging in nearby woods. At the wild garlic patch, two women approached from below. Fearing competition, I pretended to take aim but they didn’t stop. Celandine nestled among the extended crop, creating a salad of yellow and green. After filling a bag, I picked up a couple of excellent twisty red branches, perfect for hanging decorative easter eggs. Keeping to the lower meandering path, we magically saw a couple of deer chasing each other. The Victorian stairways carpeted with crunchy leaves inspired the week’s haiga (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).

P&O said there’d be no Dover ferries until at least Friday. Stuck in queues and losing thousands a day, meat exporters called for the prioritisation of fresh produce. Boris went to walk the streets with Vlod and wave – why was he so popular in Kyiv? As he travelled by car, helicopter, military plane and train, a convoy of Russian tanks headed for Donbas. The Oscars harshly banned Will Smith for 10 years.

After posting the haiga Monday, Phil helped evict a mini zoo of larvae and spiders from the bathroom. Having not fixed the mini mixer, he made wild garlic pesto in the pestle and mortar.

High infection rates having a ‘major impact’, The NHS Confederation felt abandoned and urged government to rethink the ‘living with covid’ plan, reintroduce mitigation, and reinvigorate the public info campaign with renewed focus on mask-wearing and gathering outdoors. A Number 10 spokesperson said no; thanks to vaccinations, treatments and better understanding, it could be managed similarly to other viruses.

The Tuesday top-up shop was astronomical again. Was it due to small seasonal additions or rampant inflation? The Widower looked bemused by easter eggs. I advised on vegan options for his granddaughter. The weighty bags made my shoulder ache but it eased off after an unusual 5 minutes afternoon kip.

Smart Energy GB found rising costs led to habit changes and a UCL survey found us more worried by money (38%) than covid (33%). Anxiety and depression levels the highest for 11 months, 51% didn’t feel in control of their mental health. Unemployment fell to 3.8%, but with 76,000 economically inactive, there weren’t more jobs. The Met issued 30 more Partygate FPNs – Boris, Rishi and Carrie Antoinette were included for The Bumbler’s birthday bash. Apologising, he said he only went for 10 minutes and didn’t know it was a party. “He should contest the fine then,” advised Phil, “that would be hilarious in court!” The first sitting PM ever to be exposed breaking the law, the most Covid fines issued in a single street or workplace and more to come, it confirmed Downing Street was full of crooks. Keir said they’d broken the law, repeatedly lied to the British public, were totally unfit to govern and should resign. Lobby Akinnola of Bereaved Families agreed they had no authority, took us all for mugs and would be gone by nightfall if they had any decency. Approval ratings plummeting, Boris reportedly begged Rishi to stay to save Big Dog. Operation Red Meat looked more like mincemeat! Evil kids cartoon villain Michael Fabricant subsequently compared it to nurses having a cheeky post-shift drink, justice minister Lord Wolfson resigned and our MP Craigy Babe said they must go. They didn’t.

Wednesday, I baked an easter cake and wrote. Not seeming long since the last submission, a message from Valley Life had taken me by surprise. I considered the feature almost finished but sifting e-mails later in the week, noticed a word limit increase. How had I missed that for a whole year? I checked with The Owner who also passed on lovely feedback from ‘a neighbour’. Probing revealed it to be The Widower. As earlier rain cleared, I’d have loved an evening walk if I wasn’t dead tired. Instead, we watched a programme on BBC4 about Stonehenge’s removal from Wales – not stolen as the Welsh claimed, but taken by migrants.

Inflation rose to 7%. With pre-tax profits of £2.03 billion, Tesco gave staff 1.5% ‘thank you’ bonuses for coping with pandemic, supply chain and inflation challenges. Pay rises would come in July. Uncle Joe accused Putin of genocide and the presidents of Poland, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia visited Vlod.

Waking with a scratchy throat for the third morning running Thursday, Echinacea banished it. Opening the bedroom window, I heard then saw 2 typhoon jets zig-zagging over the next hill. The laptop misbehaving even after a restart, I persevered with writing but got head fug and hung washing on the line. Decorating Neighbour was sweeping the street. I asked if he’d done the steps. “I don’t go that far.” The co-op bustling, I forgot essential items. Counsellor Friend was stocking up before joining the great easter getaway. With no P&O ferries, railway engineering and airport queues, I wished her luck! Having a nightmare with veg falling on the floor and a cluttered sink, Phil eventually helped. Knackered, I bemoaned an almost-gone afternoon. An item in metro on easter laughter disappointingly contained no actual jokes.

UK covid infections fell except Wales, for the first time in 6 weeks, suggesting the surge of BA.2 had passed the peak. Bonnie Prince Charlie gave out Maundy Money on behalf of the queen. The latest madcap scheme to deal with dinghy crossings involved putting the navy in charge of the channel and sending migrants to Rwanda. Copied off Denmark, there were only 100 places under the ‘migration and economic development partnership’ aka offshoring single black men. Boris said the plan was possible because of Brexit freedoms but conceded it could be legally challenged. Keir called it unworkable, extortionate and an attempt to distract from Partygate. Phil mused it might not put people off: “After all, we’re always being told to ‘Visit Rwanda’ on the footie!” However, interviewees in a Dunkirk camp maintained the crossing was risky but they’d risked much already and pointed out accepting Ukrainians into our homes was double-standards – touché! The First of stricter UK reception centres at RAF Linton-on-Ouse slated to ‘open soon’, bewildered villagers were up in arms at no consultation. More sanctions were announced by the UK and EU, against Russian oligarchs who propped up the so-called Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republic. Imports of iron and steel and exports of quantum tech were banned.

Bridge of Sighs

After I was asked if the photos I sent for the Crossings expo were mine even with my name on, Good Friday, Phil was asked which object he’d written about. “Can that writing woman not read?” I sighed. He went shopping for the items I’d forgotten and flowers. As he tried to put them in a vase, I took over while he toasted hot cross buns for a hasty lunch. The beautiful roses stayed fresh-looking for over 2 weeks. Wending up to the upland village, we stopped in the playing fields where Phil allowed a rare snap, later garnering several ‘likes’ on FB. In time for a mid-afternoon performance, It was lovely to see the Pace Egg play after a 2-year absence, and also the kids and grandkids of Deceased Friend, for their traditional family get-together. Viewing obstructed, hearing became impossible during the final act because of the chattering classes. What was the point of going if they were more interested in bragging about themselves than listening? We made a hasty getaway and were heading downhill when Phil decided he needed a snack from the burger stall outside the pub. Hearing music, we wandered into the beer garden. Phil commandeered the one free table while I got the second pints of the day. As the novelty act doing bad cover versions wore thin, we retreated to the penfold. A man with 2 dogs hovered at the entrance before letting one loose to run round in an ellipse. He denied that explained rutted soil beneath a picnic bench. Methinks he lied! Despite extreme tiredness, night-time sleep was mediocre.

The next day, the Crossings expo preview invite landed in my in-box but not Phil’s. Narked at doing ‘work’ at the weekend, Phil said it wasn’t work. “It is for them, and on Easter Saturday to boot!” Still tired, I stayed home, hung sheets on the line and cleaned. Meaning to garden in the nice weather, I seemed to run out of time and mislaid flower seed packets. Phil popped to the shops. Town rammed with drinkers but no more than expected, we didn’t understand why this weekend was picked to hold a hipster beer festival. While he was out, I hastily made him a card featuring early spring blooms.

Birds tweeted in grey pre-dawn light Sunday. I sighed grumpily, wondering what they had to be so cheerful about and turned over until hazy sunlight made sleeping impossible. Dull-headed, I forgot it was easter, then remembered to print the card and give it to Phil with a pack of Haribo’s. He felt bad getting me no confectionary until I reminded him we had stacks of chocolate and he got me flowers.

To refresh fuddled brains, we took a leisurely stroll west on the canal, avoiding squawking geese protecting their nests, admiring showy tulips and chatting to The Biker outside his houseboat. Complementing the restoration of his granddad’s plane, we agreed they didn’t make tools like that anymore. A sign on the chicken farm honesty box helpfully informed us turkey eggs were like hens eggs but bigger! Tempted by a promise of refreshments in the pavilion, we stepped onto the diminutive stone bridge to the cricket club. No match on, it was closed. We rested on an equally picturesque bridge near the lock. Serving also as a crossing point, an arrow indicating Warland, prompted Phil to invent a film plot wherein puritan villagers refused to accept the civil war was over.

Archbishop Welby called the Rwanda ploy ‘ungodly’. Responding in The Times, Nasty Patel said it was ‘bold and innovative’ and challenged anyone to come up with a better idea. How about opening safe, legal routes for migrants? Charities lambasted the Nationality and Borders Bill for not preventing child trafficking. Theresa May later added she couldn’t support the policy on the grounds of ‘legality, practicality and efficacy’ as it split families and encouraged trafficking of women and children. Patel refused to reveal eligibility criteria. Gammons were incensed at small print allowing Rwandans to come to the UK in exchange.

The laptop very noisy Monday, Phil stopped the daft MS newsfeed. Accompanied by music, I started spring cleaning the study, finding the mislaid wildflower seeds behind the desk. Outside planting one in a pot, a neighbour from across the way asked if I knew which cat visited her garden. “They all look the same to me!” Unbelievably, The Great Escape was the best bank holiday film on telly all weekend, apart from Barabbas.

Face-masks no longer mandatory but ‘strongly advised’ in Scotland, spotted without one at a barbers, Sturgeon was again called a hypocrite. Police had words. In their latest covid wave, Shanghai reported 3 deaths bringing the overall total to 4,641 – still lots less than the UK. Shats launched the gimmicky half-price rail tickets wheeze with a cheesy YouTube video^iv.

Tuesday a boring round of chores, writing and shopping, in the evening, I returned a missed call from Aunty. She liked the old postcards of her locality I’d sent her with easter greetings. Found in a charity shop, I promised to send more if they turned up. Using the last of the bargain chicken to make soup, we’d got 4 dinners for £2.50 (and a lunch). The affordable alternative to veganism!

Swiss Toni said Boris’ FPN was like getting a speeding ticket. Ed Davey spluttered that was ‘an insult to bereaved families’. Alastair Campbell contested the claim Blair got a speeding fine while in office, pointing out security disallowed driving. It later emerged The Bumbler racked up £4,000 in speeding tickets while at GQ magazine. In the commons, he repeatedly apologised to MPs, acknowledged the ‘hurt and anger caused’, but insisted it didn’t occur to him it breached rules. Keir said he dragged everyone down to his level. Saying he wasn’t worthy of holding office, Mark Harper publicised a letter to the 1922 committee. Referral to the Privileges Committee and more fines imminent, ministers repeated pleas to await the full Sue Gray report. The economic forecast bleak with the war and covid, the IMF judged the impact on the UK particularly severe with growth down to 1.2% in 2023 because of the ‘triple whammy’ of fuel, food and tax rises. ¾ of civil servants still working from home, Rees Moggy told them to go back to the office. The missive including tables of who was working where, FDA union’s Dave Penman said ministers were ‘vindictive’ and behaving like luddites’, when the private sector embraced flexible working.

On PMQs Wednesday, Boris conveyed 96^th birthday greetings to the queen and informed us he was going to India. Keir said once the cameras were off for the public apology, Boris went to his backbenchers to privately blame everyone else and say Welby wasn’t critical enough of Putin, when actually the archbishop said the Ukraine invasion was ‘an act of great evil’. He invited the PM to apologise for slander, getting a flat ‘no’ in response. Ian Blackford claimed 82% of Scots thought Boris lied. While the commons debated the Buildings Safety Bill, protestors complained it didn’t help everyone affected by the cladding scandal.

The NOA found government departments uncoordinated on foreign travel rules with no assessment of the impact on the industry. 1:9 workers in insecure jobs, Frances O’Grady joined Zero Hours Justice’s Julian Richer and Living Wage Foundation’s Katharine Chapman to criticise delaying the Employment Bill announced in 2019: “Boris Johnson has done nothing to show he is serious about upgrading workers’ rights,” she said. 1.5 million cancelled streaming subs. Prime and Netflix the last to go, did it explain splitting the current season of popular Ozark? Just Eat and gambling firm 888 also haemorrhaged customers. A longitudinal study confirmed what I already knew – anti-depressants didn’t improve long-term quality of life.

Holed up in the Azovstal Steel works, Mariupol die-hards worried they were in their final hours and Vlod offered to exchange them for captured Russian soldiers. The next day, Putin claimed victory in the city and ordered a ring around the steel plant. Moscow tested a new ICBM to make anyone threatening them ‘think twice’. Satan 2 wasn’t yet ready for deployment. The Inflow of oil and gas profits bolstering the Rouble, Germany planned to stop using Russian energy products by the end of the year. Wimbledon banned Russian and Belarussian tennis players.

Thursday, I tweaked the Valley Life article, cleaned the bedroom and hung sheets on the line. Bright and breezy, they twisted up but dried quick. Phil went to Leeds just after I went to town for a whizz round shops. Picking up bin-end wine and a ½-price easter egg, I waited in the convenience store for a man chucking stuff in a sack. What looked like a big shop, was actually parcels for delivery. Wanting to linger in sun, pedestrian areas were fully occupied thanks to school hols. A dumb couple stood on the bridge, commenting on the number of bridges. ‘Err, there are rivers, you morons!’ I muttered. I went home to weed the garden. The Widower walked his dog past. Enquiring how he was coping, he replied ‘okay’. The underlying sigh belied his brave face. Thanking him for his nice words to Valley Life, he said they weren’t ‘nice’, but true. How lovely! Out of breath and fatigued, I went to lie down and retired early for a bath that night. Suffering insomnia, the meditation tape eventually sent me into unrefreshing sleep.

The Valneva vaccine was approved for UK use, making 6 in total. A man tested covid-positive on 505 consecutive days before dying, suggesting variants could evolve in persistent cases. Medics wanted better treatments for the vulnerable. While Boris posed in a turban, William Wragg echoed other back-benchers sick of defending the indefensible. A motion to refer Boris to the Privileges Committee carried without a vote. Designs to put the investigation on hold until police inquires concluded, were scrapped. The Met said no fines would be issued before elections 5^th May because of ‘restrictions around communicating’. Local candidates included Freedom Alliance – Stop the Great Reset. Their concerns of a global public-private partnership had some validity but not the conspiracy view that covid was a mechanism to control us all!

Sinking Ships

Phil had even less shuteye so we both felt unrest Friday. Rushing out, we barely paused to greet new people on the street or admire profusive spring flowers. At the Crossings show preview, project workers and the workshop leader directed us to our group’s work on the outer walls of small sheds. We acknowledged fellow participants and extricated ourselves from an over-friendly acquaintance. Of other exhibits, children’s print work stood out. One kid made a print of Blackpool, cos nothing says nature like Blackpool!

We congratulated the friendly printer responsible on training the next generation. Outdoor displays featuring wood, natural paint and ceramics, were much easier to photograph than indoors where pictures were defaced by reflections.

Art appreciation over, we followed a sign to ‘The Crags’. Previously unexplored, we climbed the curated curious before a protracted return route. A flagging Phil griped of miles to go so we switched to an upper path. I went home to unshod hot, tired feet. He went to the shop, ran into the over-friendly acquaintance again and got yet more ½-price easter eggs (for a fuller description, see Cool Places).

Wanting a trade deal by Diwali, Boris hinted at more immigration from India into high skilled jobs in return for reduced tariffs on British machinery. He also pledged to help them build fighter jets to lessen reliance on Russia but didn’t push Nodi on neutrality. At the JCB plant in Gujarat, owned by tory donor Lord Bamford, he didn’t mention the destruction of Muslim’s homes by their bulldozers.

Drained after a long afternoon out, I stayed home Saturday apart from a trip to the co-op. Very quiet for a weekend, there was hardly any veg but plenty of oil, despite reports of rationing. Along with potatoes, cereal and chicken feed, it apparently all came from Ukraine. Nowt to do with Brexit or P&O ferries! Was the war also responsible for HRT shortages? At the kiosk, my mate’s eyebrows shot up as a colleague told him his pregnant partner wanted a gender reveal party. I observed: “but what if it doesn’t want to be that gender? ‘How very dare you assume my gender before I’m even born?’ It would say.” An eavesdropping woman added: “Nothing surprises me anymore!”(see Tales from the Co-op^v).

On Sunday Morning, the hideous Piers Morgan said firms had a dilemma balancing staff being in offices and at home. Oliver Dowdy maintained Boris gave a ‘clear explanation’ of events leading to fines and we should balance that with other matters. In an unfortunate analogy, he said the PM still had ‘fuel in the tank to deliver for this country’. Asked how much more of the ‘drip, drip’ they could withstand, he blathered about focusing on the national security crisis. What was he on about? The war was in Ukraine not the UK!

We went in search of blossom in the park. At various stages of growth, some had already blown off and dandelions outnumbered the cherry. Having noted the music café was rebranded ‘Charlie’s – not attracting the young hip crowd, but OAPs supping a nice cup of tea – we investigated other changes in town. With a closed bank now a daft pub, several ice cream sellers and a pointless melts outlet, Phil remarked: “It’s full of people from out of town selling crap to people from out of town – like a northern Cotswolds!” However, we got more bin-end wine and bargain easter eggs (the most I’d ever had, even in childhood). Coming back, we came across German Friend and empathised on the struggles of processing the passing of friends.

Some tories told MOS that Rayner, lacking Boris’ Etonian debating skills, distracted him by crossing and uncrossing her legs at PMQs. What tripe! She could make mincemeat of him! She tweeted: ‘Women in politics face sexism and misogyny every day…This is the latest dose of gutter journalism..” She later added it was classist too. A colleague said: “Just when you think the Conservative party can’t get any lower they outdo themselves. (They) clearly have a problem with women in public life.” Even Boris decried the piece. Meanwhile, 56 sex misconduct allegations included 3 cabinet ministers and 2 shadows. As ship Albatroz sunk, 47 barrels of diesel created a slick, threatening The Galapagos’ giant turtles.

Wobbly and heavy headed, I started to exercise Monday morning, when a throat niggle progressed to my ear and nose. Annoyed at a second bout of illness that month, Phil reckoned I’d caught covid at the art show. Feasible, seeing as the last one immediately followed the workshop, but vile phlegm implied the usual sinus lark.

Either way, it rendered me bed-ridden for much of the week, apart from essential chores and spells on the sofa.

After posting a haiga and Cool Places updates, I got head fug and settled down with a book when Phil noisily announced he was going for a rest. I ask you! I slept for 1 minute.

Idiot Epstein informed Jeremy Vine that Rishi was rich because he was good with money. Hmm – It’s easy to be good with money when you have piles to start with! Rees-Moggy put memos on empty Whitehall desks saying ‘I look forward to seeing you in the office soon’. In a rare moment of not talking claptrap, Dreadful Doris called the passive-aggressive bullying ‘Dickensian’. Life expectancy down in deprived areas over the last 3 years, covid was partly blamed. In Kyiv, Lloyd Austin and Anthony Blinken said ‘Ukraine is succeeding’ and promised more munitions. Following weekend attacks on the Azovstal steel plant, Russian strikes targeted fuel and rail facilities. After Micron was re-elected president of France, cops killed 3 protestors.

Tuesday, I okayed the Valley Life proof and worked on blogs. Suffering brain fog, I stopped writing and submitted photos to the larger arts festival exhibition. Phil went to the co-op. Disturbed by the door slamming on his return and loud talking on the street below, so-called ‘quiet time’ was a write-off. As he’d bought 3 kinds of spuds, I cooked loads for dinner, getting backache and narky.

The Bumbler convened Cabinet to invent ideas to address the cost of living crisis without spending extra money. They came up with encouraging more uptake of child and pension credits, cutting import tariffs and childcare ratios and extending MOT’s to 2 years. The Guardian accused them of trashing health and safety. Boris threatened to privatise DVLA and the passport office. Delightfully-named Ian Snowball, landlord of the Showtime bar, Huddersfield, faced a £6,000 fine for allowing a punter to sip ale while standing to play beer pong during restrictions. Talk about disproportionality! IPPR reported 400,000 quitting work due to ill health, leading to ‘terminally low productivity’. Elon Musk bought twitter for $44 bn. Right-wingers thrilled by the promise of less moderation, others feared more fake news, bigotry and conspiracy drivel. After The Insolvency Service began criminal and civil proceedings over redundancies, shit-show P&O failed to further reduce wages. Intending to restart the Dover-Calais ferry Spirit of Britain for freight from Wednesday, The European Causeway lost power half an hour from Larne and limped back. As more weapons were sent to Ukraine, Serge warned of ‘world war by proxy’ and again raised the prospect of nuclear attacks. Antonio Guterres went to Moscow, incensing Vlod by not visiting Kyiv first.

Barrels of Fun

Wednesday, I fetched the coffee, for which Phil tossed me 10p. It disappeared like a crap magic trick. At PMQs, Keir attacked the government’s approach to the cost of living crisis. Boris threw out figures and metaphors. Keir quipped that was his fab debating skills we’d heard about! He then asked ironically if being the only country to raise taxes had made things better or worse? Ian Blackford cited Trussell Trust research that 830,000 children depended on food parcels and urged him to look for ideas beyond the cabinet, such as raising child payments like in Scotland. He could also have cited food parcel demand (up 44% in Yorkshire), 59% of the population making lifestyle changes to cut spending and 18% having no disposable income. Cathy Gardner and Fay Harris won a high court case against PHE and The Cock for discharging untested patients to care homes where their dads’ died of covid. Invited by Daisy Cooper to apologise, Boris insisted they didn’t know the virus was transmitted asymptomatically. Court evidence proved otherwise. A PHE paper passed to Sage early 2020 concluded ‘asymptomatic transmission cannot be ruled out’, another warned ‘pre-symptomatic transmission…constituted a very substantial proportion of all transmission,’ and top medic Pat Vallance said likewise on the Today Programme, 13^th March.

Fatigued by the antics, I rested. At least external noise was more ambient this time. At coffee time, Phil cadged from my depleting filter supplies, saying he’d buy me more if I gave him 50p. A bargain, I said he could have the 10p back, which had turned up among the sheets.

Rayner called Lord Geidt clearing Rishi of any wrongdoing an ‘utter whitewash’. Editor David Dillon refused to meet Lindsay Hoyle. Carol Brexit informed Jeremy Vine that 4 tories heard the Ashton MP jest about using her legs to distract Boris. The Chief Whip promised action against a tory caught watching porn. After letting rumours accusing others to circulate, Neil Parish was suspended Friday, said he got onto the porn site by accident looking for tractors but re-visited it, then resigned Saturday. Following more EU sanctions against 50 oligarchs and companies including Gazprom, Russia cut the gas off to Bulgaria and Poland. How did you sanction a company you traded with? Greenpeace called imports of 1.9 million oil barrels since the start of the war, ‘utterly disingenuous’ when the UK vowed less reliance on Russian supplies. GSK reported a £9.8 billion turnover in the first quarter, thanks in part to anti-viral drug Xevudy. Meanwhile, treatments for tremors involved zapping neurons and the first person treated for Parkinson’s with a Deep Brain Stimulation implant, declared a miracle. York councillors divested Prince Andy of Freedom of the City.

Eyes shutting while reading, I hoped to be less fatigued Thursday. Sadly not. Phil went to the market for bog paper (only loose rolls available) and fishy bits. The shrimps were from Holland. Full import checks on European goods further delayed, supermarkets were happy, but exporters facing red tape and ports having built unnecessary infrastructure, weren’t. The benefits of Brexit eh, Moggy? Was that taking back control?

A tweeter thought it fun to relabel BA ‘British Wokeways’ for refusing to fly migrants to Rwanda over fears of a backlash. Charter flights would add to an already astronomical £120 million for the scheme. A whopping £30,000 each, Phil reckoned it’d be cheaper to give people the money to go home. In more commons sleaze, Jamie Wallis was charged with a hit and run, Imran Khan belatedly submitted a resignation letter (after getting another full month’s pay), Liam Byrne was suspended for 2 days, and a female MP was called ‘a secret weapon’ as all the men wanted to sleep with her. Ben Wally said they should avoid ‘toxic bars’ and Sue Braverman claimed there wasn’t a ‘pervasive culture’ of misogyny but some bad apples. Yes, but it only took one to rot the whole barrel! Keir said he took all allegations seriously and hoped colleagues had confidence in the complaints procedure. On QT, Jon Ashworth agreed the cost of living was the most important issue but connected to Partygate because tories were disconnected and dismissed people’s real concerns as ‘silly’. Mims Davies wittered about jobs and floundered trying the defend the migrant policy against accusations of being ‘pick and choose’. After telling Iain Dale Channel 5 had thrived when it was privatised (it was never public!) an unusually sober Dreadful Doris came on Newscast to prate about impartiality and privatising Channel 4 even though 96% were against it.

Friday, Phil said he needed a haircut: “I look like I’m from a Britpop band.” “No you don’t. Mines’ worse.” “It does need colouring in.” “Thanks!” I sat abed writing until hungry and hot, considered getting lunch but he brought it to me. Perhaps staying put was a good thing, because I felt much better on a bright Saturday. I went to the rag market to buy haberdashery from friendly stall-holders then waited for Phil to come to an exhibition of historic photos by a local celeb. On the way, we were waylaid by falling blossom and dandelions. I later created a Facebook album but the dazzling yellow blooms went unappreciated. Balking at a £5 suggested donation, we contributed by purchasing juice. Phil’s photography mate had planned the showing for 2020. They bemoaned work being on hold since covid and I sympathised with his travails being interviewed for a documentary. I could talk for England but stick me in front of camera, I was dumbstruck!

550 Network Rail upgrade projects over the bank holiday weekend, cleaners and conductors’ strikes meant TPE only ran a small number of (dirty) services. Roads were predicted to be quiet. A good job with herds of animals on the M62 at Eccles and Brighouse. Madelaine McTernan who worked on the covid vaccine rollout, was appointed HRT tsar. Demand up thanks to The Davina Effect, I felt I was missing out not taking it.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

iv. Shat’s gimmicky rail sale video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iheo0km3xHE

v. Tales from the Co-op: Notes on life, the universe and stuff that sucks: Tales from the Co-op Vol 5 (maryc1000.blogspot.com)

Part 95 – Moody Blues

“This is a prime minister who has been accused of breaking a law that he himself set; it could not be more serious”(Ian Blackford)

The Waiting Game

Sleeping later than planned Monday, I rushed round, took piles of rubbish out, and picked up the laptop to a flurry of e-mails. I replied to one from the owner of Valley Life agreeing to contribute during 2022, posted a haiga (see below)ⁱ and draft-posted the journal before scoffing lunch and preparing for a dental appointment. Too cold and damp to walk to the next village, I went for an earlier bus than necessary. Two didn’t turn up. I rang the surgery to explain and they agreed to see me late. The waiting room empty, I was told the dentist was with another patient when I saw him gabbing with staff. X-rays required after not visiting for 2 years, I inwardly laughed when they switched the machine on and ran away, leaving me to be zapped! I eschewed a visit to Sainsbury’s, and crossed to the bus stop. The church clock looming in the gloom attested to another lengthy wait. Unable to use my return ticket on the first bus, a convoy of school buses sailed by, then a swarm of schoolkids infested the queue until the right bus eventually came. Inevitably packed, I perched on the edge of a seat, silently fuming at loud-mouthed mask-less little monsters! Unable to stand them any longer, I alighted early and hurried the back way to the co-op for a couple of items. Moody, cold and tired, I slumped on the sofa before dragging myself upstairs to warm up.

Daily LFTs for 100,000 critical workers began. IKEA cut sick pay for unvaccinated staff required to self-isolate, as did Next later in the week. The UKHSA and Covid Taskfarce looked at reducing self-isolation to 5 days, like the US. Boris said he’d follow the evidence. The Glove-puppet thought it too soon to say the Omicron wave was abating. After getting stuck in a lift at BBC HQ, he joked that WA1 wasn’t satire. He planned forcing developers to pay to replace cladding on shorter tower blocks. Nandy said he didn’t address all the safety issues. Novax was granted a visa but his dishonesty and the toing and froing of Australian officials, created embarrassment all round. A competition to invent a platinum pudding for the queen required something simple, elegant and flavoursome. “How about angel delight?” giggled Phil.

Tuesday, I was irked at another late start, a lost sock and Phil handwashing a jumper after putting a load in the machine. He berated my nagging and I sulked, posted the journal and replied to a message from The Researcher; illness explaining the wait to hear from her. She seemed delighted with my draft takeover blog. Still grieving for a lost Monday afternoon thanks to WY Metro, I stayed in to catch up on writing while Phil kindly offered to shop. In a week when Souter Hole in Whitburn, Sunderland, grew into a sunken beach, Digging for Britain featured a whole Ichthyosaur fossil (or sea dragon) unearthed in Rutland and an iron age village which evolved into a wealthy Roman settlement discovered under HS2 in Northants.

379 deaths, 3,000 kids and 1 in 12 teachers off school due to covid, Sturgeon said masks could be the norm in Scotland for the foreseeable future but more spectators would be allowed at outdoor sports from next week. WHO regional director Dr, Hans Kluge said over half of Europeans would catch Omicron in the next 2 months, while his colleague Dr Nabarro said the end was in sight if we respected the virus and reacted quickly to surges (occurring every 3-4 months) and David Heymann of the London School of Tropical Medicine thought the UK could soon reach endemic status. A leaked e-mail from Martin Reynolds invited 100 people to a BYOB Downing Street garden party 20^th May 2020, the same day we were told we could meet 1 person outside. Boris and Carrie allegedly joined 40 attendees. Even diehard blues sick of the smirks and ‘serial lying’, there were renewed calls for the PM to resign. Would his PPS be the fall guy? Rayner asked urgent questions in the commons. The Bumbler unsurprisingly absent despite no appointments, paymaster general Michael Ellis took the flak, saying there was ‘absolutely no indication’ his boss knowingly misled parliament and urged MPs awaited the inquiry results. Ian Blackford attacked ‘a PM’ accused of breaking a law that he himself set.

Ovo blogged ways to keep warm including doing star jumps, cleaning, eating porridge and cuddling pets. I did most of them; maybe I should get a dog! They later apologised for ‘poorly judged and unhelpful’ content, sacked ¼ of their workforce and shut 7 of 10 offices. The Minimum hourly wage for remaining staff was upped to £12. Putin claimed to have suppressed the ‘foreign coup’ in Kazakhstan.

Dead Man Walking

Sleeping well, I enthusiastically set about hoovering the living room Wednesday, impeded by unravelled floor cushion tassel threads festooning the floor. Partygate inevitably dominated PMQs for a second week. Starting with a sham apology, The Bumbler admitted getting ‘somethings wrong’, although the Number 10 garden was ‘an extension of the office’. He went out to thank staff at what he thought was a work event 20^th May, but ‘with hindsight’, he should have sent them back in and found another way to say thanks. He said sorry to those who’d lost people and directed MPs to Sue Gray’s inquiry. Not thinking to reference his ‘captain hindsight’ moniker, Keir called Boris ‘a man whose ran out of road’, and the excuse he didn’t know it was a party pathetic (yes, especially as he got the e-mail!) and asked would he do the decent thing and resign? In response to a load of Boris Bluster, Keir asked was he ‘so contemptuous’ he thought he could ride it out? Boris insisted he was aware of the public’s sacrifices and understood their anger, repeated ‘bitter regret’ and awaiting the inquiry report. Keir listed previous high-profile resignations and wondered why the PM still thought the rules didn’t apply to him? After Boris repeated himself, Kier cried: “it’s not working!” Boris called Keir’s facts ‘wrong’ but accepted ‘they’ did wrong, with the caveat: ‘we thought we acted within the guidance’ and suggested as a lawyer, Keir should respect the process. Kier responded ‘a series of ridiculous denials’ meant ‘the party’s over.’ Ian Blackford echoed calls for Boris’ removal from office. Later on, Sir Roger Gale marked his leader ‘a dead man walking’ and Douglas Ross (head of the Scottish tories) submitted a vote of no confidence letter to the 1922 committee. On Newsnight, Rees-Moggy insisted Boris was humble and sincere, showed great leadership in getting ‘the big things right’ and dubbed Douglas Ross a ‘lightweight’.

Turning to writing projects, I replied to another e-mail from The Researcher. Developing head fug, I failed to rest. In a long episodic dream that night, I married a murderer, escaped and attended a weird conference involving in a laser fight with red-hooded figures. It was probably inspired by the magical Witcher on Netflix.

Concluding a case brought by The Good Law Project and Everydoctor, The High Court ruled awarding government contracts via a ‘VIP fast lane’ unlawful. However, it was likely Pestfix and Ayanda Capital would’ve won the bids as they offered large volumes of PPE at a critical time. Hmm! Weren’t the masks from Ayanda chucked as unsafe? Ministers said the fast track would stay for possible future emergencies. Rayner claimed it was clear the cabinet office didn’t have the resources to conduct proper due diligence. Smart motorways were paused for 5 years to gather more safety data. How many deaths did they need? GoFundMe donations enabled Alan Gosling to buy more ducks.

Dead Meat

Stripping the bed Thursday, I opened the window in sunshine, shook blankets out and Phil changed sheets while I bathed. I uploaded photos via a Google drive link from The Researcher. The takeover post looking good, I thanked her for kind words and links to my other blogs. She later proposed meeting for a beer sometime.ⁱⁱ I left a sluggish laptop updating and went to town, tarrying in the sweet shop to admire diminutive pottery houses made by a customer. At the market, I waited at the fish van for a woman to bafflingly ask if they could get seaweed for her daughter’s school project. A woman passing the pizza stall opposite the veg stall asked: “Coma stai?” The hipster mumbled a reply. “Non parli Italiano?” He smiled inanely. After she’d gone, I asked did he know what she’d said. He reckoned she was Romanian to which I remarked she spoke Italian. He insisted he knew that but obviously didn’t understand her. I enjoyed an informative chat in the deli on different dal varieties before struggling home where Phil belatedly offered help after I’d carted bags to the kitchen.

While covid hospitalisations rose in the north, cases fell in London and the South East. Encouraged by UKHSA data showing 2/3 no longer infectious after 5 days, Goblin Saj reduced self-isolation requirements accordingly (with negative tests). Reckoning people were most contagious 3-6 days after contracting covid, Prof. Reicher queried: “how is this following the science?” Boris pulled out of visiting a jab centre, ostensibly because a family member tested positive. Hiding more like! Despite his approval rating sinking to 23% after his phoney apology, senior tories rallied round, urging critics to await findings of the inquiry before judging. Scotland Yard in ‘ongoing contact’ with the cabinet office, The Times predicted no evidence of criminality would be found. Deputy CMO Van Dam notably made no mention of the PM when announcing he was leaving his secondment at the end of March to become pro-vice chancellor at Nottingham University. Fans implored a streetcar in the city be named Jonathan Van-Tram. Feargel Sharkey re-appeared on BBC Breakfast to tell us all English rivers were polluted and quote “study to be quiet.” Sound advice! A man on QT complained M&S renaming midget gems was ‘people sitting around thinking of ideas.’ He obviously never had an idea in his life! On Newscast, phone-in radio hosts reported a sea of disapproval to downing it in Downing Street. Excuses put forward by the odd defender centred on the rules being too strict. If they were too strict for them, they were too strict for those who stuck to them. Clamours for the reimbursement of fines ensued.

Friday, I left Phil sat on the bed doing tiny work to clean the bathroom of mysterious dross and work on the laptop. Again a brilliant start, the sun had sunk behind the hills but it stayed pleasant as I headed to the co-op. A nice lad assisted my hunt for products to use a member’s offer and put me in the mood for a jest with my mate at the kiosk. I remarked the hot cross buns would be stale by Easter. He assured me they’d be long gone by then and joked about being crucified. By the time I thought of a come-back, the moment had passed. Phil arrived to help at the till where I realised I had enough member’s points for a free shop.

Former Covid Taskfarce DG Kate Joseph tweeted a statement on attending drinks 17^th December to mark her departure from the cabinet office. Rage mounted with revelations of two Downing Street parties 16^th April 2021. Staff bought a suitcase-load of wine from an all-night shop. Ex-comms aide James Slack apologised ‘for the anger and hurt caused’ by his boozy leaving do. Number 10 expressed ‘deep regret’ it happened on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Was the queen bothered after stripping Prince Andrew of his royal and military titles? Keir responded Boris should’ve offered HRM a resignation, not a sorry. Instead, the dead mad drew up Operation Big Dog, a list of officials in line to tender resignations to save his own skin. So much for relying on Sue Gray’s inquiry! The list of booze-ups at number 10 growing daily, Phil observed: “No wonder this government’s’ a shower of shit. They’re drunk every day!” Tobias Ellwood said he should lead or leave but Liz Truss wished we’d ‘move on’. What to? Brexit? Cos that’s going swimmingly! GDP recovered to pre-pandemic levels before Omicron hit in November. Tesco kept on 13,000 Christmas staff to cover self-isolating colleagues. 32 migrants rescued from The English Channel near Berck, Calais, a Sudanese man died of hypothermia.

Tipsy on after-dinner wine, we laughed at Wheel of Time (it’s no Witcher) and Dmitry Kokh’s photos of polar bears living in buildings on the abandoned Soviet era meteorological station, Kolyuchin Island. Posing in the garden without wine and cheese, I bet they didn’t need a Verisure alarm!ⁱⁱⁱ

For the third day running, Saturday started dazzlingly, with hoar frost prettifying hilltop trees. Stressed at a greasy mess on the draining board from Phil’s late washing up, I kept schtum until he fiddled with the curtains trying to block sunlight from the telly.

He answered my tirade with a promise to clear up the oil slick, which he fulfilled. I hurried to dress as the sun waned and the scene turned grey and cold. Not inclined to go out, Phil started spring cleaning the kitchen, making the hearth gleam. I considered contributing but got distracted by a film, and then it was dark. Sunday drab, we abandoned plans for a walk and continued spring cleaning the kitchen, managing to not get in each other’s way too much. Pissed off at lack of outdoor photo opportunities, we snapped a Christmas cactus. The belated blooms served as a haiga subject. Leeds United back on form, we were treated to a series of goals in quick succession on MOTD resulting in a win against West Ham who knocked them out of the FA cup the previous weekend.

Following admissions of lying on forms and having meetings when infected, Australia again revoked Novax’s visa and detained him as a threat to public health until a court hearing (of law, not tennis) got him deported Sunday. Eruptions of the tongue-twistingly named Hunga-Tonga Hunga Ha’apai volcano led to a mile-high tsunami on the tiny island nation of Tonga. As Brits went missing, some idiots tried surfing the wave.

Hot on the heels of Operation Big Dog, a raft of policy announcements emerged over the weekend such as giving the army powers to intercept vessels in The Channel, abolishing the BBC licence fee and banning booze at Number 10. Err, why couldn’t the PM just do that in his own house? Referring to ‘industrial scale partying’, Keir repeated calls for The Bumbler’s resignation. Operation Red Meat a blatant distraction technique, Phil quipped: “Operation Dead Meat more like!” Maybe we should feed him to the polar bears!

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Takeover blog: https://www.ruraldiaryproject.uk/rituals/confined-walks

iii. Polar bears in houses: https://petapixel.com/2022/01/13/photographer-finds-polar-bears-that-took-over-abandoned-buildings/

Part 94 – Troubled Waters

“Prime minister, how’s it going? Are you okay?” (Angela Rayner)

Riding The Wave

Sleeping later than planned on another bank holiday Monday, I reasoned I was still recovering from debilitation. Using up bacon for breakfast butties, I noted we’d disgustingly been cheated out of a rasher. Grey at first, it brightened up. Unseasonably warm, small birds sang and southerners reported swallows failing to migrate. I meant to get out of the house in the false spring but almost dark by the time I’d posted blogs, watched a film instead.

An average 170,000 new cases per day in the past week, hospitalisations rose 70% to 14,000. On a ‘war footing’, 6 NHS Trusts declared a state of emergency, and Nightingale hubs were planned in hospital grounds including St. James’s, Leeds. Boris said it was folly not to expect more inpatients and vital to stick with Plan B (i.e., get boosted). Meanwhile, Israelis got jab number 4. Would it ever end? Nads Zahawi refuted critical LFT shortages, telling people to refresh their browsers. Anti-lockdown demos in Amsterdam into a third day, 30 were arrested. Having put the fire out once, flames freakily re-assailed the South African parliament. The shooting of wild birds, including corvids, was legalised to protect game birds, now classed as livestock. As if you could own grouse! The parliament of crows might have something to say about that.

Achiness and fatigue returning to normal levels Tuesday, I forced myself to exercise. After a cold night, melted frost coated the inside of the bedroom window. I sketched a punky face with my finger against the crisp, sunny outlook. Phil struggling, I made porridge. He then announced he was cutting his hair and cleaning the bathroom and cheekily asked: “are you getting up today?” “I’m drinking my tea!” I retorted, listed all the tasks I had lined up, got dressed, took the tray down and cleared the kitchen. My mind-wandering over coffee was disturbed by scraping sounds. Workmen disconnected the telegraph wires before uprooting the entire pole on the street below, explaining no internet. It was a good job I mistakenly sent Welsh Friend’s birthday greetings a day early! In line with my new journal-writing regime, I edited diary and news notes before disposing of recycling, almost getting frostbite in the process. I donned extra layers before going to the co-op. A large woman came up right behind me twice. On the second occasion, I testily asked could she not wait 2 minutes? She then pointedly spent several minutes staring at cheese. I paid at the kiosk and searched for a receptacle for the old batteries I’d brought but there was none. Unable to cope with the hustle and bustle, I fled out the back door and spoke to the engineers on the way back. Realising it wasn’t their fault as subcontractors, did it not occur to anyone to let people know there’d be internet, especially on the first full workday after the Christmas break? One man barked: ‘there’s nowt we can do’. The rotting pole dangerous, they’d replace another tomorrow. I thanked his more amenable colleague for the gen. By lunchtime, the sun had gone. I fixed a pair of boots and Phil framed the old map for me.

As hospitals faced a ‘challenging winter’, Prof Fergie said rates in London were plateauing and other regions would follow within 3 weeks, but it was “just too difficult to interpret current mixing trends and what the effect of opening schools again will be.” Matthew Taylor of the NHS Confederation disagreed, saying admissions rose across Britain. At a press conference, Boris pronounced priority testing for critical workers and said ‘the utmost caution’ gave a good chance of riding the Omicron wave without more restrictions. A million new cases were recorded in America and in China, Yuzhou became the second city after Xi’an to go into lockdown as 3 asymptomatic cases were found. A surge in chicken farms led to outrageous sewage levels in the Wye Valley. Pop star and keen fisher Feargal Sharkey was incensed. While ministers consulted business on extortionate energy prices, Martin Lewis complained they didn’t ask consumer groups. A total 28,300 crossed the channel in small boats 2021, triple the number in 2020. Warner Music paid a bargainous £185 million for David Bowie’s back catalogue.

Wintry Rainbows

Wednesday morning, I lay abed as dawn broke. Was it 6, 7? No, it was gone 8. I forced myself up and opened curtains to roof frost and yellow light in the east presaging sunshine which became patchy later. I managed a full exercise routine for the first time in weeks, bathed and tidied the bedroom, spotting an engineer fiddling anew with wires in the street below (but the internet stayed on). A notice subsequently attached, explained how to object to the new telegraphy pole. I prepared for a walk early afternoon then waited impatiently for Phil. During earlier exchanges with Walking Friend, we declined an invite to go up the pike in the freezing conditions and suggested a meet at the canalside pub. When she texted their ETA, we settled on a short stroll. Still some light in the sky, sun on the water created wintry rainbows. As we neared the pub, Walking Friend and The Poet approached from the opposite direction – excellent timing! We secured the best table and supped pints. Following a washout birthday, she seemed pleased with our gifts, particularly Phil’s abstract prints. We had a lovely time eating tasty dinners, humming to retro music, laughing and conversing. She was sceptical of my suspicion the likes of Bezos and Musk would piss off in rockets after they’d monetised climate action and wrecked the planet. Phil thought their plan was to own the entire earth so we’d be in hock to them. Scary stuff! The Poet went for a taxi and we walked via dark backstreets, gazing up at a slivery crescent moon and a plethora of stars, On the main road, she proceeded town-ward. “Are you getting a bus?” “There isn’t one due so I’m going for a wander till there is.” “I wonder where?” She chuckled a cheerio. While Phil made coffee, I switched on all the Christmas lights for a final time. A mixture of a mind whirring after socialising and late caffeine-drinking, led to hardly any sleep. Using the meditation soundtrack, I briefly dropped off but was still awake when the tape ran out.

20 hospitals in a ‘state of emergency’, a review of covid restrictions involved a change in test rules. You didn’t need a PCR If an LFT proved positive, pre-departure tests before re-entry to the UK were scrapped and the isolation requirement was reduced to 5 days. John Edmunds said it made a lot of sense. Gillian Keegan claimed LFTs were very accurate and they’d trebled capacity. More likely, it was a trick to cover up shortages, exacerbated by the sole government supplier unbelievably taking a 4-day Christmas break. Scotland followed suit, ahead of a ‘revised strategic framework’. Supermarkets made £11.7 billion in December, £62 million on mince pies. ‘The Colston 4’ were found not guilty of criminal damage when they uprooted the Bristol statue in May’s BLM demos. During a French parliamentary debate about Covid Passes, Micron said he wanted to ‘emmerder’ (piss off) the unvaccinated.

Twelfth Night began very cold and frosty. Warming up slightly, sleet fell and promptly melted into a slushy mess. After a terrible night, I forced myself up for exercise and small chores before settling down with coffee to watch PMQs on iPlayer. Phil unresponsive to my repeated calls, he eventually joined me, saying he hadn’t heard. Keir isolating again, Rayner thanked the NHS for their hard work and Sue Gray for investigating Partygate. Her first question posited that with inflation at 6%, people paid the price for an incompetent government. Boris quoted a pile of figures and said labour couldn’t be trusted on Brexit or the economy. “How’s it going?” Angela smirked, going on to call the situation ‘an iceberg’: “will he finally change course or plough on to what will be a disaster for thousands of families?…He gives with one hand, takes away with another…Incompetence is taking our country backwards.” The Bumbler blustered that labour had “wrecked the country time and again.” The C**t queried health staff issues to get another load of lying stats from his boss.

Disassembling Christmas inevitably filled the rest of the day. Clearing the kitchen, a scraping noise near the window had me wondering was it workmen or the window cleaner? No. It was the wind, but not the predicted yellow thundersnow. Phil took the trees out and hoovered. I threw scraps out for the birds as Elderly Neighbour came by with the pooch. I asked how things were to be told The Wife was slowly improving. Back aching, I lay on the bed. I got no rest but incredibly slept 7 hours straight that night for the first time since my mental health issues surfaced.

Boris ‘called out’ anti-vaxxers while Novax Djokovic was refused entry and held in quarantine before the Australian Open. His family claimed he was kept prisoner without a change of clothes. Authorities said he could leave anytime. An ONS survey found 1:50 self-reported long covid in the 4 weeks to 6^th December, before the Omicron wave. ½ million of the 1.3 million had the virus a year ago. Rishi Rich refused to ditch the National Insurance hike but penalties for late tax returns were waived for a month. Boris apologised to Lord Geidt that he’d not seen WhatsApp communiqués with Lord Brownnose. Later revealed in the Electoral Commission inquiry, the donor wrote: “approval is a doddle as it’s only me and I know where the £ will come from.” Steve Reed demanded a probe over paying for access to ministers. In what started as protests against doubling fuel costs, demonstrators in Kazakhstan attacked government buildings and Almaty airport. Security forces boasted they’d killed ‘dozens’ and the Russian military arrived. Kazakh president Tokayev subsequently ordered lethal force to be used against the so-called ‘terrorists’.

Clean Sweep

Friday brought a dusting of snow, hail and sleet. Amazed I hadn’t woken during the night, I felt great for a few minutes before fatigue returned. Phil suffering from painful arms, I suggested he use Hotspur balm. Writing interrupted by his jabbering, I headed out to discover dog shit on my boots. Nowhere to sit in the wet, I struggled on the doorstep as a car careened past making me shout sweary words. Perturbed by my anger, Phil offered to scour them for me. Re-shod, I hurried to the co-op, finding gaps on veg and bread shelves. I dithered near the trolley park then decided to proceed home alone. Phil stood on the threshold and apologised for tardiness. I was just pleased he’d done the unpleasant task. Equipped with rubber gloves, a yard brush and buckets of water, I swilled and swept the dog shit down the drain. First noticed at the top of the steps Tuesday, we’d hoped for natural cleansing during wintry showers. Instead, it smeared all over the pavement. I made a mental note to expunge it immediately next time.

24 Trusts now on a ‘war footing’, staff absence rose 40.1% in a week and army troops were sent to hospitals. Alan Gosling (no kidding) was the first human to catch H5NI from a flock of Muscovy ducks he cared for. He was fine, the fowl were culled. A rise for Sainsburys and Argos staff would take their pay above the living wage. The wonderful trail-blazing Sidney Poitier died.

The weekend cold with leaden skies and dismal rain, we stayed in. Saturday, I worked on the journal, sorted Christmas cards and wrapping paper for storage and wrote to an old work friend who’d lost her husband to covid. Cooking paella, modifications made out of necessity proved successful and it tasted even better than usual. At bedtime, I slept well despite a EHS episode. Phil appeared stunned Sunday after a long kip which he put down to the small amount of beer we’d drunk. Depressed by a lack of light and fresh air, I cheered up slightly with an attempt at rocky road. Requiring far too much chocolate, I settled on a sort of tiffin cake which proved rather moreish!

146,390 new coronavirus cases and 313 reported deaths brought the death toll to over 150,000. UKHSA said there was no need for a fourth jab as data showed older adults had 90% protection 3 months after a booster. Nads Zahawi claimed we were over the peak but as it was revealed 1/5 of cases were in kids, Prof. Pagel warned a new school wave would prolong Omicron for everyone. 300,000 new cases Friday, protesters marched in French cities to piss off Micron. Amid a state of emergency and nationwide curfew, 6,000 Kazaks were arrested and at least 164 killed. Ahead of more talks, Liz Truss promised to invoke article 16 if there was no progress with the EU.

In the latest of a series of weird, rambling dreams, I conjured images of loaves of bread and mouldy oranges. Was it a message about post-Brexit food shortages?

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 90 – Isn’t it Moronic?

“The gaffer picks the team, that’s how it goes and that’s how it has always gone. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about the circus of who’s in, and who’s out, who’s up, who’s down, who knew, who didn’t” (Lisa Nandy)

Reshuffle kerfuffle

An ‘arctic shot’ brought overnight lows of -8, yellow ice warnings and a freezing start to Monday. Waking early, I planned to doze until the heating came on and fell proper asleep to be woken by Phil. After warming porridge, I made a huge effort to get moving, did nasty chores and donned the sensible boots and bear coat to take a sample to the surgery before the noon deadline. Black ice lurked on partially-cleared pavements and partially-gritted roads. Small crunchy drifts huddled against brickwork. Clumps of frilly leaves shivered off by the cold, settled prettily on iced shrubs. Irked Phil hadn’t made coffee for my return, I stomped down to the South Pole to fetch it and slumped on the sofa, posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal. As the temperature rose late evening, the snow disappeared as if by magic. At bedtime, I had a EHS episode which sounded like an actual explosion and I recalled a few recent incidents but not the dates.

Lampooners pointed out Omicron was an anagram of moronic. 11 confirmed cases in the UK and the mutant’s resistance to vaccines a mystery, JCVI maintained we were still better protected with boosters and recommended all adults got one after 3 months rather than 6. 12-15 year olds would be offered a second dose of Pfizer. More cases also found in Belgium, Austria, Denmark, France, Holland and Australia, G7 health ministers met. Rose Allin-Khan berated the government for the limited mandating of face-masks: ‘Does covid not spread in pubs?’ In the wake of Storm Arwen during which 3 died, people were stuck in the Tan Hill Inn for 3 days with an oasis tribute band and the I’m a Celeb set was damaged. At a ceremony to mark Barbados becoming an independent republic, Dame Sandra Mason was sworn in as president, Rihanna became a national hero and Bonny Prince Charlie appeared as a figurehead. In a shadow cabinet reshuffle, Yvette Coop was made shadow home secretary, David Lammy shadow foreign secretary and Lisa Nandy would shadow The Glove-Puppet on ‘levelling up’.* Outlining plans for overhauling rules and procedures on politicians’ behaviour, Rayner appeared unaware of the moves leading to speculation she was blindsided. Lisa ‘couldn’t care less’ about the ‘reshuffle kerfuffle’.

I was up with the 8 o’clock alarm Tuesday. A text link allowed me to track the gas engineer but required a log in. I left it until after exercise, by which time I’d missed a call from the guy himself. I phoned him to be told he’d be 20 minutes and got dressed just in time. We directed him to the boiler upstairs and I tidied some tools away downstairs so we didn’t get sued for injury. I’d just gone back up when he wanted to know where the timer was meaning I had to go back down again, then he asked where the gas metre was. I escorted him to the cubby hole and hung around in the South Pole until he’d done. He said everything was okay but advised on age and efficiency as usual. We assured him we knew but couldn’t afford a replacement until it wore out. In the co-op later, the fresh food aisles were almost bare thanks to yet another power cut. I had a member’s offer of a quid off prosecco and biccies. I got the fizz but eschewed the Fox’s fabulously biscuits – what was festive about jammy dodgers? At the kiosk, only the furthest till was open with a notice claiming it was to keep staff safe, but two of them stood chatting with no social distancing. Being served, I was deafened and stressed out by an awful fire alarm test.

My member’s points not added, the receipt said there was a problem with my card and I had to ring the freephone number. I rang later and was subsequently asked for feedback on the call. They stupidly wanted to know why I hadn’t use the website. It wasn’t an option, you morons!

The latest restrictions came into force at 4.00 a.m., mandating PCR tests for all returning travellers, 10 days’ isolation for anyone in contact, even if vaccinated, and face-coverings on public transport and in retail settings. Secondary schoolkids were ‘strongly advised’ to wear them in communal areas. Dr. Philippa Whitford MP pointed out the 2-day wait for a PCR result was confusingly less than the virus’ incubation period In a late vote, MPs extended the measures to March 2022. The 1922 committee feared a return to a ‘pingdemic’ while labour wanted to go further and require working from home. Doing the media rounds, Jenny Harries advised minimising social contacts to slow the spread of Omicron but amid concerns of the impact on hospitality, Boris contradicted her, saying there was no need to “change the overall guidance about how people should be living their lives.” At a press conference, he promised a booster within two months to everyone eligible thanks to help from the army and new vax centres. Amanda Pritchard pleaded for more volunteers. Pfizer CE Albert Bourla said they’d already started to develop a new vaccine which would be ready in 95 days. Gérald Darmanin suggested more talks with the UK to discuss proposals for a ‘balanced agreement’ to tackle the migrant crisis were imminent. Inflation in the eurozone reached 4.9%, the highest since 1997 and TSB were to shut 70 branches.

Nonsensical

Unlike the previous day, the alarm didn’t rouse me immediately Wednesday. Preparing to go out, it started teeming down leading to a rapid change of outerwear and a mild panic before going to the bus stop. In the next town, we made a few purchases from B&M, including the Fox’s fabulously biscuits. Phil disagreed that jammy dodgers weren’t festive and they were cheaper than the co-op even with the member’s offer. Heading into the Market Hall café, The Poet hurried in and out again. I gave a hasty greeting and wondered if we had to wear masks – some people did, some didn’t. Waiting for food, I perused the mad wall art and crazy junk shelves. Adding up the bill took ages. As they were short-staffed, I posited it was normally the job of an absentee.

Arriving at the health centre slightly early, there was no queue outside. But inside, a snaky red line led to a series of differently coloured stripes and thence to treatment rooms. We shared jokes with staff about it being like the game twister and nobody knowing if vaccines worked against new variants. Allowed in together, I had my booster first. The needle hard to get in my arm, the doctor remarked: “that was quite tough.” ‘Thanks’, I thought, ‘that’ll really hurt later!’ During the compulsory 15- minute sit in the waiting room, I noted the brand stamped on our cards. Affecting a booming film voice I declared: “Moderna Spikevax! That sounds like it could fight Omicron!” We left via the back door. I was bursting for a pee. “You can have a piddle in Lidl!” quipped Phil. We got a smattering of traditional Christmas fayre from the German supermarket, then considered going in TOFs but Phil felt weird and I was knackered. A longer wait for the bus back, we gazed up at late sunlight on the hills, skeins of geese flying past pink clouds and the rescue helicopter following the ridge – was someone lost on the pike? Back home, Phil had to go back out, leaving me to heft rucksacks to the kitchen. Collapsing on the sofa, I reviewed lists and decided we’d done quite well. Phil’s reaction to Spikevax even queerer, my arm ached as expected and I developed a headache and nausea. We cheered up eating the last of the Halloween drumsticks. I sucked mine into a pixie mushroom shape. “It’s impossible to be grown up eating a lolly.” “If everyone ate lollies, there’d be world peace.” Feeling progressively worse throughout the evening, at bedtime I took ibuprofen, shuffled the pillows to make a hollow for my painful arm and settled down for a mediocre night.

UKHSA identified another 9 cases of Omicron, making a total of 22 and tried to establish links with travel from South Africa. Leaked minutes from a sage meeting revealed fears of rising infections before the booster programme was fully implemented. Andrew Hayward advised going to Plan B rather than having to endure more severe measures later on. Goblin Saj urged festive partygoers to get an LTF before revelling. Deputy CE of NHS Providers Saffron Cordery said some organisations had asked staff ‘not to mix in big groups’. Daily Mirror reported there were 2 parties at Number 10 in the run-up to Christmas 2020 against lockdown rules. Quizzed at PMQs, Boris didn’t deny they took place but said no rules were broken. Keir spluttered: “Both of those things can’t be true, prime minister. He is taking the British public for fools.” Ian Blackford added: “How are people possibly expected to trust the PM when he thinks it’s one rule for him and one rule for everybody else.” Boris retorted he was “talking total nonsense”. LFTs no longer sufficient, holiday-makers heading to Spain now had to show vaccine passes.

Snog, Attend, Avoid

Both ailing on Thursday, I managed a few exercises, skipping ones that hurt my arm and took Echinacea, with no idea if it would do any good. Checking the NHS website for booster side-effects, ours were all normal apart from Phil’s mouth tasting of rusty nails. They suggested he might actually have covid. It soon became apparent he didn’t. I braved the cold to open the window and shake blankets out before changing sheets. I then worked on the laptop until I felt very ropey with a raised temperature. During a longer siesta than usual, I had a ½ hour with my eyes shut and struggled to rise. After dinner, the symptoms felt decidedly flu-like. Unable to keep my head up, I went to bed to watch a crap telly film.

At 53,945, UK daily cases were the highest for 4 months. 73,000 new infections in Germany, the unvaccinated were banned from public places such as non-essential shops. JVCI bod Prof Finn awaited approval from MHRA on jabs for 5-12 year olds. Dr. Albert Bourla of Pfizer said it was a good idea. Well, he would, wouldn’t he? On top of 35m extra doses of Pfizer, 60m Novavax and 7.5m GSK/Sanofi, government ordered another 114 m doses of Pfizer and Moderna in preparation for annual jabs during the next 2 years. Contracts allowed modification to tackle new mutants. 79% effective against serious illness, GSK’s anti-viral drug Sotrovimb was approved for use on the obese and diabetics over 60. Therese Coffee-cup advised against ‘snogging under the mistletoe’ and George Freeman suggested we keep Christmas parties small. Downing Street responded that wasn’t in the guidance. Anger mounted at reports Micron called Boris a clown and a knucklehead. They wouldn’t be snogging under the mistletoe, then! On Newscast, Sadiq Kahn defended the trad fir tree gift from Norway against complaints of scrawniness. He wouldn’t have ‘a word said against it’. Meanwhile, the Tesco Covid Pass Santa ad was deemed okay.

Phil still struggling Friday, my flu-like symptoms had gone apart from a snuffle. The jabbed arm less sore, I did exercise and went to the co-op. Gaps in the chiller sections persisted after the power cut but I found what we needed before Phil caught me up at the till to help with carrying. During lunch, I knocked a glassful of water all over the small coffee table and dug out a Christmas-themed lampshade cover to replace the one that got wet. While Phil cut his hair, I fruitlessly searched the internet for gifts.

After the BMA encouraged people to ‘avoid large groups’ and Prof Openshaw said he wouldn’t feel comfortable going to Christmas parties, labour cancelled theirs but tories didn’t. Oliver Dowdy advised: ‘keep calm and carry on’. So, you had to wear a mask travelling in a bus or taxi to a party, but you could snog a complete stranger under the mistletoe when you got there!

A South African study showed reinfection with Omicron was possible but weren’t sure if that was the case among a heavily-vaccinated population. CovBoost found that the body’s T cell immune response after a booster could offer good protection from hospitalisation and death although it wasn’t yet tested on Omicron. Moderna came out top. Obviously that Spikevax! Homes still without power a week after Storm Arwen, the army were sent to help households in North East Scotland and County Durham and Ofgem launched an urgent review into the response of power suppliers. From the metro news quiz, we learnt young female Afghan footballers rescued by Kim Kardashian, practiced at Elland Road. “I won’t have a word said against her now,” declared Phil. “Yes, she’s not completely useless!”

Dark, cold and wet with wintry showers Saturday, I stayed in, finished the Christmas card and sorted the spice cupboard. I combined duplicates, expunged mystery bits, and told Phil which to buy from the shop. Town deserted for once, he found no fresh stuff and got another duplicate dried condiment instead. The first taste of German gingerbread took me right back to childhood and I moronically crooned: “It’s beginning to taste a bit like Christmas.”

Sunday drier and brighter, I rose early and waited impatiently for Phil to wake. The geese had recently taken to wandering onto the street below to peck at moss and eye the lovely grass of the flat’s garden. Thwarted by the gate, there was lots of squawking. Phil seemed amazed when they went down the steps. “Why not?” I asked, “they’re not daleks.” “They are a bit like daleks.” “Yes, Exterminate! Exterminate!” I put recycling out, swore at neighbours parked right outside the door, and went to town. People stuffing food in their gobs made the farmer’s market resemble a food court, but then the whole town was like that most weekends. Not heaving, the knobbly veg stall-holders said it was at 9.00 a.m. Go figure! The Winter Art Fair also quiet, arty mates agreed the lack of punters was weird. In the Art Mill, I chatted to Photography Friend and her partner. Verging on adulthood, she’d reluctantly let her son to go to a party in Huddersfield. Phil came to join us and we perused an exhibition. He was quite taken by techniques used on the expensive monochrome photos. On the way home, beady-eyed jackdaws coveted a pie being eaten on a riverside bench, inspiring a haigaⁱ. While the corner pub was deserted, the pavements on the main road were oddly crammed. Twilight glowing orange through the living room window, Phil called it ‘lambent light’. A new one on me, it sounded like a clever photographer’s term. I blamed the posh exhibition.

86 new cases of Omicron in the UK, the 246 total were concentrated in London and Scotland where they were linked to a Steps concert. More travel restrictions required pre-departure tests for incoming travellers from Tuesday and Nigeria was added to the red list. They called it ‘travel apartheid’. The Observer depicted Omicron as a Death Star. Molnupiravir aka Lagevria, was approved for vulnerable people with severe symptoms to take at home.

On the Marr, South African scientist Willem Hanekom confirmed the mutant spread very fast, was now dominant, caused re-infection but milder illness, and mainly affected unvaccinated younger people. UK scientific adviser Mark Woolhouse said the travel rules were “shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted’. Willem agreed it was a waste of time and damaging to the South African economy. The Pope went to Lesbos to meet migrants and criticise Europe for indifference to the suffering of desperate people.

*the catchily re-named Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

children