Corvus Bulletin 3: Bumper Anniversary Edition

“This was a day for ambition…but…the Tory cupboard is as bare as the salad aisle in our supermarket. The lettuces may be out, but the turnips are in” (Keir Starmer)

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

ONS figures released at the start of Mach were as frosty as the weather. Wages no longer rising as fast, 2.52 million were on long-term sick. Unemployment still low, there were slightly less vacancies. The UK avoiding a ‘technical recession’ 2023 according to the OBR, there’d be 0.2% less growth. On budget day, Abba’s Money, Money, Money drowned out reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street before The C**t emerged. Taking credit for an expected drop in inflation, he began an interminable statement by echoing Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (the film that swept the Oscars), promising a pile of ‘E’s – enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. Not listing energy, he extended the price cap until June, pledged to bring pre-payment charges in line with direct debits, gave funds to leisure centres and local groups towards their bills, and froze fuel duty for 12 months. More tax on wine from August, a so-called ‘Brexit pubs guarantee’ meant less duty on draught beer, covering Northern Ireland, thanks to the Windsor Framework. ‘Brexit freedoms’ also allowed a ‘near-automatic sign-off’ of new medicines. More dosh for looked-after children, care leavers and potholes, a measly £10m was given to suicide prevention. Wraparound childcare wouldn’t kick in until after the next election. He announced a second round of city region transport funding and extra money for Levelling Up partnerships, investment zones to create 12 ‘Canary Wharfs’ in areas like Manchester and West Yorks, for which they’d need to bid. I doubted it would mollify Yorkshire grandees. Incensed at getting Levelling Up round 1 dosh but not in round 2 mid-February, they whinged the goalposts moved after they submitted bids they were encouraged to write.

Intent on making us all work, he was abolishing the work capability assessment. It would be voluntary for disabled people to find jobs with support for workers suffering mental health and back problems before they left employment. On the other hand, UC claimants with no health issues faced more coaching, more rigorous sanctions and an increased threshold of 18 hours a week. Not hearing anything about ESA, I later discovered an end to sickness top-ups if ineligible for PIP from 2026. Targeting the over 50’s, there were ‘3 steps’ to make working longer easier: enhanced DWP mid-life MOT’s; new apprenticeships (aka returnerships); and increased pension tax allowance with abolition of the lifetime limit.

As per Pat Vallance’s recommendations, a ‘quantum strategy’ involved an AI sandbox, an ‘exascale’* computer and a £1m annual Manchester prize. Worth a mere £2.5bn, did they know how much that tech stuff actually cost?

Nuclear magically classed as environmental, Great British Nuclear aimed to generate a quarter of our leccy by 2050. Pitifully underwhelmingly in light of the IPPC report on an increasingly warmer world, Guterres said there was just about time to reverse climate change if we did ‘everything, everywhere, all at once’.

In place of witty Reeves, Keir responded there was nothing to tackle crime, NHS waiting times or the housing crisis, leaving the UK the sick man of Europe, stuck in the waiting room with only a sticking plaster and more disguised tax hikes. Referencing turnips, he obviously hadn’t heard we didn’t grow them anymore!

Liberals pointed to inflated high energy and food costs and the OBR reckoned we still faced the biggest ever fall in living standards. Timed to coincide with The C**t’s missive, strikers marched through London to rally in Trafalgar Square. The biggest walkout so far entailed doctors, teachers, civil servants, London underground staff and BBC journos, affecting regional evening news. I turned over from Fatty Dimmock to ITV. Having interviewed The C**t, Robert Pessimist said there was no way the budget could be seen as a giveaway, except scrapping the pensions cap, benefitting the rich. Not much for the rest of us, impact analysis by The Resolution Foundation showed the poorest would be better off and middle and high earners worse off. How did they work that out? Later in the month, their research revealed the true cost of a widening productivity gap compared to other European countries and ‘unprecedented’ 15 years’ wage stagnation; if wages had grown the same as before the 2008 crash, workers would earn an extra £11,000 p.a.

Party Games

At the start of March, Cock Covid Diary collaborator Isabel Oakeshott, leaked 100,000 WhatsApp messages to the Torygraph. Revelations suggested the then Health sec didn’t follow Chris Witless’ advice spring 2020. On the morning of 14^th April, Witless advised testing everyone entering care homes. By evening, official guidance changed to cover only patients discharged from hospital. The Cock furious, a spokesman claimed messages were ‘doctored and stolen to create a false story’: with insufficient testing capacity, they had to prioritise. Accused of breaking NDA, Isabel insisted the leaks were in the public interest. Countering they weren’t, The Cock railed they formed part of her anti-lockdown agenda. She asked Newscast, “what even is that?” Had she forgotten the demos? She didn’t worry about never again being trusted as she was good at what she did –Yep, good at playing the game, getting men to tell her secrets and promoting herself! In messages published over the next few days, we learnt The Cock dithered over whether he’d broke rules snogging Gina Colander, and resisting lockdown up to a week before its imposition, Boris subsequently ranted militantly on social distancing July 2020, a month after the birthday party he was fined for. Also, The Salesman called teachers’ unions a ‘bunch of arses’ who hated work. Mary Bousted retorted he was ‘out of his depth’ during the pandemic.

At PMQs, Keir harped on energy bills and massive profits before referencing the leaks, asking Rishi to assure the house of no more covid enquiry delays. The PM responded with the usual: we should let them get on and do their job.

On March 3^rd, The privileges committee partygate investigation preliminary report, concluded Boris misled parliament multiple times. The Bumbler retorted there was no proof. Calling the report damning, Keir caused a row by offering Sue Gray the job of labour chief of staff. Doing the Sunday morning rounds, Chris Heaton-Harris laughably called Boris ‘100%’ a man of integrity. On 21^st,Boris’ partygate evidence was released, predictably alleging it was all his adviser’s fault. The next day, he faced the committee, with a new haircut. After a rare oath-taking, he told them he believed gatherings were essential, his statements to the commons were made in good faith, it was nonsense that he didn’t take proper advice and, after losing his shit, thanked them for a ‘useful’ discussion – to much guffawing. A good day to bury other news, Rishi’s long-promised tax details revealed he paid ½m 2022 and 1m since 2019. Keir paying £118,580 over 2 years, he was accused by toires of hypocrisy for benefitting from the pension tax break, which he’d vowed to ditch

The Ripple Effect

23^rd March marked the 3^rd anniversary of lockdown #1. No mention on main news channels, the ripples of coronavirus continued to be felt. Metro revealed a 134% increase in ‘ghost kids’ missing school and Look North reported on the emotional impact with more young kids needing pastoral support. Patients in the region still dying (49 the previous week), 1.5 million suffered from long-covid. Prof Dinesh Saralaya of Bradford Hospitals who took part in several vaccine and treatment trials, warned covid hadn’t gone away and Prof John Wright of The Bradford Institute of Health Research said it would be with us forever. Providing the analogy of the after-effects of an earthquake, he described layers of those affected by death, long covid and recession. On the plus side, they’d learnt a lot so were better prepared for future mutations or viruses. It was easy to forget how lethal and scary it was 3 years ago, but we should celebrate the sense of community and connectedness it engendered.

As the clocks changed for BST, NAO revealed £1.4 billion worth of PPE was incinerated and £21bn lost to fraud. As Lithuanians were convicted of grifting £10m from the covid loan scheme, government pointed out they’d set up the Public Sector Fraud Authority. But it was criticised for ineffectiveness across departments. Amid reported tension between The Treasury and DWP, Mel Stride announced a delay in raising the pension age to 68 – because of unpopularity before the next general election, a drop in life expectancy, or more elderly people leaving the labour market post-covid?

Margaret Ferrier MP faced 30 days’ suspension from the house for breaking lockdown rules in September 2020. She later launched an appeal.

A Canadian review of 137 global studies published in the BMJ, found minimal changes in mental health during the pandemic and ‘more resilience’ than assumed but raised concerns that women suffered more due to care responsibilities and domestic violence. The FBI chief decided covid originated in a Wuhan government-controlled lab after all. The US legislature later voted to declassify all documents on the analysis of coronavirus. As Covid Diary workshop participants observed, it all seemed really weird now. Maybe they should let it lie!

*A very big computer

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 99 – Culture Club

“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)

Lovely Jubbly!

Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigaⁱ and journal, and worked on the next episode.

Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21^st February, there’d be no Novax!

Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”

Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?

Cancel Culture

As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.

The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.

Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15^th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.

I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.

Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21^st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!

Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.

Menagerie

Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.

Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.

Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!

Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.

Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?

I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.

Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomⁱ. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?

The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 92 – Fairy Tales

“Will the prime minister take time this Christmas to look in the mirror and ask himself if he has the trust and authority to lead this country?” (Keir Starmer)

Once Upon A Dream

Monday, WordPress made a mess with blue highlights but I persevered to post blogs before lunch. Putting rubbish out, the dustbin was full of water and other nasty crap. Cleaning it out was rather disgusting! Too late for yoga, I rested in bed and warmed up. During a fractious night-time sleep, I dreamt of the house with all the rooms again. This time, there were new bits including a staircase in an annex. What did it mean?

Omicron spread across the UK claiming its first death. The 10 hospital cases were aged 18- 85, mostly double-vaccinated. Goblin Saj said they were ‘throwing everything at’ the booster programme and The Bumbler, at a vax centre in Paddington, added it was at ‘warp speed’. He didn’t rule out tighter measures. No LFTs available on the official website, Boris insisted there were loads ‘in the shops’. Wes Streeting called it a ‘shambles’. Contrary to my expectations, commuter traffic fell by up to 40% and rail station footfall by 20%, signalling office-workers stayed home. Responding to Boris’ Sunday night statement, Keir supported the government’s plan because boosters gave the best chance of protecting against Omicron and advised we use the Christmas break to get 12-16 year olds jabbed and come forward if we’d not yet had any. Criticising them for not stepping up sooner, he said “time and again the public have stepped up and done the right thing,” measures really helped to prevent infection and stop the NHS being overwhelmed, and “your efforts will save lives.” He thanked the NHS for their ‘dedication, skill and sheer hard work’. It sounded a tad more sincere than Witless’ tweet. South Africa taking Omicron ‘in their stride’, the death rate during the fourth wave was much lower than in previous ones but the president was infected. Nat West bank were fined for laundering money from Fowler Oldfield jewellers in Bradford who allegedly recycled gold.

In a dream week for labour, Jess Philips hosted HIGNFY. Watching the repeat, we had a good laugh at the Italian false arm story and excuses for not restoring power in the North East after Storm Arwen – the wrong type of wind blew in the wrong direction apparently!

Hearing a knock at the door Tuesday morning, I suspected it was the awaited parcel. Phil got there before me and I shouted down instructions not to read it. I typed up a plethora of news notes and went to the Post Office, miraculously almost queue-less and quick, then to the co-op. A cluster of ditherers crowded round the seasonal shelf so I had to circle round to buy treats. In the afternoon, we fetched boxes of decorations from the attic and decorated the Christmas trees. He had a siesta but I eschewed mine to continue.

UKHSA predicted a million Omicron cases a day by the middle of next week and Witless warned of rising hospitalisations. The infected could now take daily LFTs again instead of isolating if fully vaccinated; if they could get hold of them. LFT issues persisted and PCR slots weren’t available in walk-ins or drive-throughs across England. The red list to be abandoned Monday, testing rules remained. Amid criticism of the booster programme for lack of warning or preparation, the NHS booking site crashed, 6 hour queues formed at walk-ins and people were turned away from vax centres. With confusion about whether the latest proclamation meant boosters would be given or just offered by 31^st December, pledges were made to be open 12 hours a day ‘as standard’ including Christmas Day if needed and the 15 minute post-jab wait was scrapped.

Several MPs reportedly self-isolating, the commons voted on Plan B including mandatory jabs for health staff. Marcus Fish was among 100 tory backbenchers defying the government, saying it wasn’t Nazi Germany: ‘papers please’. Sturgeon announced Scotland’s winter plan, involving social-distancing in shops, more contact-tracing in hospitality, working from home, minimising social mixing to a maximum 3 households, and taking LFTs but allowing Christmas parties. Tory MSPs berated her for only just bringing in mass vax centres.

Mirror, Mirror

Waking a smidge before 8 Wednesday, I stopped the alarm going off. Phil was sniffly. Deciding I’d go to the deceased friend’s funeral service but not chance the wake, he joshed he wasn’t coming to the chapel but would go to the club later to spread his germs around! Obviously he didn’t. As I left the house very early for me, at least it was sunny after a grey start to the week. I nodded to people I vaguely recognised in front of the chapel and spoke to a few fellow old pub mates. We carefully filed in to find every other pew roped off. Slightly squashed between German Friend and bald men, I kept my eyes front and mask on, even when singing. Back outside, I cautiously evaded hugs, agreed with the deceased friend’s daughter the flowers were impressive (sourcing sunflowers was quite a feat at this time of year) and reminisced with Painting Friend about the escapade when the deceased friend’s sister came to our house after the pub, headed home and got lost in the crags. Phil later remined me she knocked her teeth out which could explain why she looked much older! I walked Painting Friend as far as the corner pub to catch up – she’d had 4 jabs including flu and was really busy with work, due to the DIY craze and last years’ hiatus. Back home, I finished decorating the living room. Phil ate ancient mint sweets. The first one okay, he put a second in his gob, pulled a face and rushed to spit it out. “Serves you right!” I laughed. Exhausted, I lay down to rest. My eyes were shutting but inevitably I failed to sleep.

78,500 daily cases, a record since the start of the pandemic, Omicron infections more than doubled every day nationwide. At a press briefing, Witless called it a really serious threat and warned ‘don’t mix’. Boris stuck to his guns on Plan B. Pubs clamouring for more money, Rishi was on a jaunt in California. During PMQs, Keir pointed out Plan B wouldn’t have passed if it wasn’t for labour votes. Saying “We cannot go on with a PM who is too weak to lead,” he asked if he’d use the Christmas break to look in the mirror and ask himself if he had the trust and authority to lead? Boris retorted he understood colleagues’ anxieties about restrictions on liberty but believed ‘the approach we are taking is balanced and proportionate’. Problems getting tests into a third day, Jenny Harries denied there were insufficient LFTs but an astounding number of requests caused ‘some temporary pressure.’ Scotland was the first UK nation to boost 50% of adults. The Daily Mirror revealed yet another tory revel. Shaun Bailey and his campaign mates posed next to a sumptuous buffet at the tory party HQ. He was forced to resign from the London Assembly crime panel – ha. Ha! Lady Hallett was announced as chair of the inquiry into government’s handling of the pandemic to start early 2022. Bereaved families said fine, but it should have come much sooner. Due to ‘severe and increasing difficulties’ in the sector, the Migration Advisory Committee’s annual report advised care workers be put on the shortage of occupation list (SOL). Bragging they were the only supermarket to give staff paid breaks, Aldi announced a pay rise to £10.10 an hour from February 2022. In Dresden, an anti-lockdown, anti-vax Telegram group planned to assassinate Saxon president Michael kretschmer, leading to police raids.

Required to shut the laptop down the previous evening, I waited impatiently for it to restart Thursday morning so I could get to work. I prepared remaining cards to mail including one for Phil’s sister, asked him to post them on his way to the station and went to the market. The owner of next door sat on the bench on the new bridge, after visiting the dentist. I’d not had my teeth checked out for 2 years but 2 hospital visits convinced me clinical settings were probably the safest places in a pandemic! At the fish van, the woman in front of me ordered items for next week and asked what time they opened. “We start serving at 7,” the fishmonger replied. “I’ll be here at 7 then.” His wife laughed, “He’s been telling everyone that. If you come first thing there’ll be a huge queue!” None on the stalls, I went to the new veg shop on the hunt for chestnuts. No luck but I did get giant mushrooms and pomegranates. As I walked back, the carrier bag painfully collided with my leg. Stupid pomegranates! Phil came towards me and confirmed he’d got the cards for posting. Knackered, I dumped the bags, made a hasty lunch, and cleaned the bedroom. A long time since I’d done so without Phil’s help, I managed okay. Phil rang early evening from his studio. He’d sent me photos on Insta of some of his prints. Never having used the messaging feature, I faffed to view them and suggested which to bring home. Making charity donations online, one site required an additional ‘donation’ even though there was no platform fee – what was that about? I’d just finished my dinner when Phil returned. Cold, knackered, and with sore feet after walking over 15,000 steps round a deserted city in actual shoes, he cheered up watching Netflix – the end of Money Heist didn’t disappoint.

Boris was accused of ‘lockdown by stealth’ with scientific advisers running the show – about time, if true. Boris later played down a split with ‘experts’, saying he and Witless were on the same page. Witless told the health & social care committee Omicron hospitalisations were likely higher than the 15 confirmed. He didn’t want to dictate what people did but advised they prioritise and it’d be better in future when vaccines and anti-viral drugs did the ‘heavy lifting’ against mutants. Wes Streeting wanted ‘a deal to help hospitality’. Gillian Keegan insisted there was. The Queen cancelled her traditional pre-Christmas family party as it put too many people’s plans at risk. Eurostar already sold out, UK tourist and business travellers were banned from France. From Saturday, you needed ‘compelling reasons’ to go and evidence of 2 negative tests with 2 days’ isolation in-between. Inflation at 5.1% in November, the highest for a decade, fuel, energy, food and clothes prices were to blame. The BOE raised the interest rate to 0.25%. Hitting mortgage-payers and not passed onto savers, it was a lose-lose! Tory since 1832, Lib Dems won the North Shropshire byelection. While new MP Helen Morgan celebrated in Oswestry, the 1922 committee put Boris ‘on notice’.

The QT panel were asked if lockdown was inevitable. Lisa Nandy said we must do everything we can and the government weren’t doing their bit. Chris Hopson of NHS Providers told us we didn’t know enough about Omicron yet, the NHS was the busiest it’d ever been, and although vaccines had ‘changed the rules of the game’, staff would go off sick as infections rose and we needed clear and consistent messaging. Tory boy Chris Philp denied ‘mixed messages’ and blathered about numbers. Stewart Hosie, SNP, complained with the ‘one rule for them and another for everyone else’, mixed messages ‘couldn’t be more stark’. Olivia Utley of the Torygraph, thought there was too much messaging, we should manage our own risk and the vulnerable should stay indoors. Not that again! On if we’d gone from ‘world-beating’ to chaotic shambles, Hopson said the vulnerable must be prioritised and the NHS was trying hard to ramp up capacity. Tory Boy promised the sooner we all got vaccinated, the sooner the economy would go back to normal. Nandy claimed the government were more interested in bluster than detail, and accused Rishi of being MIA. Discussing investment in Stoke, which had more than the national average of deprived areas, Tory Boy reeled off more figures. Nandy berated him for arrogance, saying local people, not Westminster, knew what northern towns needed. The questioner applauded: ‘you’re bang on the money tonight, love!’ Others agreed ‘levelling up’ stopped at Watford Gap and she was the only one who’d connected with them.

Cobblers

Foggy with frost on the hills, the poor crows squatted on aerials all puffed up waiting for their brekkie Friday morning. It brightened later only to go dark again mid-afternoon. Struggling with fatigue, I rallied after a few exercises, headed to the tat market for a couple of items and rushed back to the co-op, remarkably well-stocked apart from turkeys. Phil caught up with me in the aisles, carried bags home and commented on loose cobbles on the street below – just waiting for an accident and subsequent legal action! Indoors, the house was as freezing as outdoors.

Over 93,000 cases, Omicron was now the dominant strain in Scotland. Also rising across Europe (including France), Ursula Von Hitler said it was growing at a ‘ferocious rate’. Boosters were found to cut the risk of serious illness by 85%. New measures for Wales entailed taking an LFT a day before meeting up, outside if possible. Further restrictions would follow on Boxing Day for nightclubs and hospitality (with money to help those affected) as they would in Northern Ireland and Scotland where financial talks were due. Rishi cut short his California trip to meet business leaders. Another alleged Whitehall party on 15^th May 2020 involved wine and pizza, unbelievably to thank aides for work during lockdown! Metro said the first person to die of Omicron was a conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxer. But the Telly Doctor on Jeremy Vine said it was a 70 plus recluse and a mystery how he caught it. Which version was cobblers? Food banks reported a ‘sudden and worrying’ increase in demand in the runup to Christmas thanks to removal of the Universal Credit uplift, and soaring food and energy costs. Clement Bonehead sought EU legal action over French licenses in the month-long fish war.

The fog didn’t lift at all during the weekend. Saturday brekkie was made stressful by a cluttered kitchen. As I slid on a slippery patch on the floor, my slipper flew off and vanished under the cooker. I Panicked before managing to retrieve it. I worked on the journal, cleaned and put more Christmas stuff up. Phil went into a packed town centre. “People are egg-nogging the shit out of it!” “I’m not surprised if they think there’s going to be a lockdown next week!” in the evening, he cooked his signature burgers leaving the grill pan full of fat.

Sunday, I hurried to the market – not too busy with al fresco drinkers in the freezing conditions! I got a selection of dirty veg (everything but the chestnuts), popped in the convenience store and headed home to dispose of a pile of recycling, flopped on the sofa to recover and wrote a haiga based on a knitted angel on the town’s tree. Making the Christmas cake, I’d spent an hour on prep before Phil eventually came to help. Waiting for it to bake, we watched catch-up to be interrupted by a knock at the door. A woman wearing a lanyard barked: “Number 37. Do we know this lady?” Wondering who ‘we’ were, I eyed her blankly, then deduced she meant Elderly Neighbour – they had her name down wrong. She asked if anyone else lived there. “Yes, her husband.” I stepped out to investigate. The Student leaned out of her landing window, we concurred that if nobody was home, they must be at the hospital and she messaged him.

90,000 new cases and 12 deaths from Omicron, leaked sage minutes predicted 3,000 hospitalisations per day by January and advised extra measures now. Neil Ferguson called it ‘precarious’. A worried Khan declared a state of emergency in London. Thousands of anti-vaxxers took no notice. At a ‘freedom rally’, masked cops with batons faced unmasked protestors moving from Parliament Square to Downing Street. Vaccine minister Maggie Throup went to Derby to pose in a Post Office vest and pretend to deliver tests. All 4 UK national leaders met urgently, without Boris. Simon Case resigned after hilariously discovering he was at his own party on 17^th December. Sue Gray took over his investigations. After his original plan to go in January was leaked to the Daily Mail, Lord Frosty wrote Boris his immediate resignation, citing covid measures. A spat on a WhatsApp group led to Nads Doris being chucked off. Rayner said the tories were ‘in chaos’. On the last ever Marr show, Goblin Saj fawned that Frosty was an ‘outstanding public servant’. Liz Truss would take over with European minister Chris Heaton-Harris as deputy. A month-long lockdown began in Holland. Most premier league matches called off Saturday, 25% of players were unvaccinated. Phil reckoned they listened to their wives who lived on social media and believed all the Facebook tales. Leeds versus Arsenal the only game on, the rule that if they had a squad of 14 they played, seemed a load of cobblers. Fans chanting ‘Boris Johnson is a c*nt!’ went viral.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Chris Heaton-Harris