“As one consultant cardiologist said to me this is the biggest crime against humanity since the holocaust” (Andrew Bridgen)
What Happened on Dartmoor
Three years since the start of the pandemic, conspiracy theories of all kinds continued. In January, MP Andrew Bridgen had the tory whip withdrawn after comparing vaccination to the holocaust. Early June, he voted against Margaret Ferrier’s 30-day Commons suspension for breaking coronavirus rules September 2020. I wondered what took so long and what about Boris and Rishi who were fined for flouting the laws they wrote? In court, The Cock alleged anti-vaxxer Geza Tarjanyi shouted ‘ridiculous conspiracy theories’ and shoulder-barged him during protests on 19th and 24th January, while northern nutters Christine Grayson and Darren Reynolds were convicted of conspiracy (in the other sense of the word) to destroy 5G masts which they said were ‘enemy infrastructure’.
Elsewhere, Tesco struck a deal with Newfoundland, launched to distribute LFT’s, to stock tests for a range of health conditions such as vitamin deficiency, the menopause and bowel cancer. All free on the NHS alongside appropriate medical advice, it smacked of a money-making conspiracy.
On a personal note, I attended a Covid Diary Research Project workshop late February. A welcome opportunity to meet other participants and share experiences, the prospect of ‘doing a work’ for 3 hours was daunting. I took advantage of living close to the venue to arrive early and speak to The Researcher and associates who gave kind reassurance. Of other attendees, The Poet was the one familiar face but there was much common ground among the group.
We perused already-published books on life under lockdown. A mixed bag, we discussed what we’d like in something similar and brain-stormed themes emerging from the pandemic. Place, politics and shopping featured highly. I mentioned I still quarantined groceries. Someone sniggered: “The virus is airborne.” “I know but I can’t shake the habit!” Flagging, I accepted a cuppa in lieu of a break and stayed for lively discussion. The Researcher noted no one had yet mentioned conspiracies.
As evidence they persisted, I cited a free rag randomly picked up in the co-op. Entitled ‘The Light’, I expected amusing evangelical Christian garbage. It was actually covid conspiracy claptrap, linking vaccines to climate change. “Say what now?” That raised a laugh.
I then observed that the real conspiracy was global capitalism, to be reproached by someone else for also airing ‘conspiracy theory’. “It’s not theory, it’s fact,” I countered, “you only have to look at land ownership – every inch is private.” The Poet interjected that he walked wherever he liked. “Yes, because they let you, but they can take that right away any time. Just look what’s happened on Dartmoor.”*
The debate threatening to totally finish off my tired brain, I was bereft of further arguments. Much later, and with a clearer head, I realised I could have expanded further on historic working class battles over the right to roam and on Marxist theory explaining how the current state of the world was actually the (inevitable) highest stage of capitalism. Relating the exchange to Phil, he informed me Neil Oliver had orated on the age-old one-world government plot. I subsequently learnt Oliver loved doing lengthy monologues on GB news to espouse his ridiculous views. And to think I used to admire him as an intelligent historian!
* 13th January 2023, the right to wild camp on Dartmoor, the last place in England where it was allowed, disappeared overnight. Arguing the right never existed in the first place, hedge fund manager and Dartmoor’s sixth-largest landowner, Alexander Darwall, won a case against the national park. A disappointed CE Kevin Bishop and Right to Roam campaign founder, the excellently-named Guy Shrubsole, planned an appeal.
“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)
Lovely Jubbly!
Platinum Jubbly
Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigai and journal, and worked on the next episode.
Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21st February, there’d be no Novax!
Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”
Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?
Cancel Culture
Pass the Salt!
As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.
The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.
Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.
I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.
Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!
Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.
Menagerie
Haiga – Up in the Air
Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.
Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.
Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!
Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.
Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?
I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.
Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomi. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?
The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.
“I smile in the morning. I live without a care. Nothing is denied me. And nothing ever hurts” ((Iggy Pop)
Walk Like A Penguin
Haiga – Frigid
Sinusitis and depression dragging on, I stayed abed during the week, managing spells downstairs for food and to watch the big telly. Most of the time, I wrote and posted blogs, wrestled with Photoshop, read and rested. Monday afternoon, I lay down with a novel pain in my temples and slept for half an hour, making me woozy and disorientated in the gloaming. While Phil cooked omelette for dinner, I logged on to Ocado. There were absolutely no delivery slots at all, into the foreseeable. Yet they persisted in sending interminable e-mails telling me to buy stuff. I would if I could, you idiots!
Boris went to Batley and hinted at a gradual easing of lockdown in time for summer hols, while Cock briefed us on the SA variant circulating in specific communities. Urgent door-to-door testing commenced in Hanwell, Tottenham, Mitcham (all London), Walsall (West Mids.), Broxbourne (South Herts), Maidstone (Kent), Woking (Surrey), and Southport (Merseyside).
Still ill Tuesday, the irony of it being Groundhog Day wasn’t lost on me. Also Candlemas, I hoped the proponents of medieval custom had finally taken down their Christmas decorations. Proper snow fell overnight. Despite the cold, I opened the window to take photos of the magical scene. The laptop stubbornly refused to read the camera’s SD card. Hearing me swear, Phil took it out without checking programmes, the laptop crashed. I got annoyed and ranted until he let me restart the machine. This worked, but took an age to reboot. Much later, I stitched a panorama and shared a snap of a fat snowperson that kids had built on the street below, then turned to writing. He left me in peace to go for a walk. However, he didn’t get very far as drizzle melted ground-lying snow into a slushy mess. “Everyone’s walking round like penguins in treacle. You’re better off looking at it from here.” Settling down for an afternoon snooze, I had a sneezing fit, followed by a niggly nose and a headache. Pissed off that I felt worse again, I gave up and played puzzles.
National hero Sir Captain Tom Moore died after being in hospital with Covid since Sunday. Not vaccinated due to pneumonia, he’d visited Barbados for Christmas thanks to a free BA flight – was that the cause?
Latest AstraZeneca tests discovered their vaccine might reduce transmission of coronavirus as well as severe illness. The E484K mutation was found in the Kent, Brazil and SA variants. Bristol and Liverpool were added to areas for door-to-door testing. Uni Minister Michelle Ding-dong told locals to stay home all the time, exercise indoors and asked, ‘do you really need to go to the shops?’ You do if you can’t get an Ocado slot, you moron! Sage bod Andy Hayward said we needed a ‘sustainable strategy’ for dealing with future mutants but didn’t suggest what.
China Arse Test
Yorkshire schools and vax centres were shut due to snow. Peter Keely (PHE for Yorks & Humber), said 2,0011 cases per 100,00 as opposed to 2,080 nationally proved lockdown and immunisation were working.
In Israel, huge funerals prompted accusations of not being touch enough as infections and deaths still rose despite the mass vax prog. Following the introduction of virus arse tests in China accompanied by graphic instructions, a spoof video of people walking like penguins went viral.
Elon Musk’s Neuralink put a chip in a monkey so it could play video games. He really was like an evil cartoon villain!
By Wednesday morning, half the snow had gone, overtaken by cold drizzle. The day sped past with me writing and Phil doing his ‘tiny work’. PMQs began with a minute’s silence for Captain Tom. The Bumbler asked us to join in a clap for him that evening, but I heard no applause. He lauded the Valneva vaccine and made no apology to Ian Blackford for going to Scotland last week, even though a Covid outbreak at the Livingstone factory a day before his visit was confirmed. Keir diverted from Corona questions to ask about cladding; 3.5 years since the Grenfell tragedy, 700,000 people still lived in dangerous tower blocks at an astronomical cost.
Late afternoon, Phil went to the coop, returning with the wrong coffee again – they really should make the decaff pack more distinctive for the partially sighted. Meanwhile, I tried to do some budgeting but it made my head fuggy. On a second attempt the next day, I realised all the money in my cash ISA had been used by the bank to pay fees- thieving bastards! I was not relishing the predicted return of Austerity Britain after the Covid crisis, when benefits would most likely be hit first. Meanwhile, Phil’s gig economy earnings hit a record high due to answering all those questions on why Shitterstock wasn’t working!
Afternoon rest irritatingly disturbed by the sound of chainsaws ricocheting across the valley, I wondered which trees were getting the chop this time? After coffee, I revived enough to enjoy dinner and Prime viewing downstairs. I retired to watch the news and highlights of the Leeds United match. Phil complained it was rubbish because they lost, but: “at least there were goals.” Laughing, I observed: “the pundits agree. They called it ‘a typical Leeds game’ (attack, attack, attack!)” “Yep, they’ve really shaken things up haven’t they?”
It’s Great Being A Tory
Snowperson Hanging On
With 10m inoculations, Chief Med bod Chris Witless briefed we were ‘past the peak’ but the infection rate was still high. Mini Macron reiterated the view that the AZ vaccine was ‘quasi-ineffective’ on the over 65’s, to criticism from Number 10 aides for spreading disinformation. He admitted the success of the Chinese was ‘humiliating’ for Europe and it seemed the EU might approve their Sinovac and the Russian Sputnik V (proven to be 91% effective). With evidence the AZ jab reduced transmission, sage Prof. Andrew Pollard of the Oxford Vaccination Group promised new ones to fight future variants by autumn. Dr. Chris Smith from Cambridge Uni informed Daily Politics that similar mutations in different strains was due to the virus ‘optimising changes’ and said the vaccines’ suppression so far was ‘reassuring’ but didn’t mean they would continue to be so.
Jab n Go
Ryanair’s jab n go ads were banned by the ASA as misleading and irresponsible.
Dildo Harding told the Commons Science & Technology Committee that 20,000 out of 100,00 TIT contacts a day failed to self-isolate. Jeremy C**t said there was a ‘gaping hole’ in financial support, and shadow minister Justin Madder pressed the government to do something about it.
The Dildo also claimed no-one could have foreseen mutations, to bemused raised eyebrows.
Alexei Navalny was given 2.5 years in jail for breaching Russian parole when in a German hospital recovering from novichok poisoning administered by Russians. A military coup in Myanmar put Aung San Suu Kyi under house arrest – the charge of possessing illegal walkie-talkies a blatant ruse to criminalise her and render her ineligible to be leader.
The snow almost all melted Thursday,the snowperson in the street below still hung on as nasty damp fog hung in the valley. Expecting Dr. Xand on Morning Live to talk about new symptoms associated with variants including a headache and runny nose, he gave sketchy details. I fretted about having Covid. But after chatting to Phil, I became less concerned and we turned to discussing the idiocy of thickie Dildo saying mutations couldn’t be foreseen. “She only knows about horses.” “So why is she in that job?” “It’s great being a tory, as Iggy Pop observed.” With me still bedridden, I sent Phil to the market for fresh fish and toiletries including bog roll. Not our usual brand, at least they had some. In the post-shop cleansing, even I thought washing binbags went a tad too far! The tree-felling racket returned during the afternoon, putting paid to any proper rest. Why did they always start up so late in the day?
New figures showed 1:7 Brits had coronavirus, 1:5 in London. Trials on using different brands for 1st and 2nd shots started – genius or Frankenstein science? Tin-foiler Piers Corbyn was arrested for distributing leaflets of his own design comparing the vaccination rollout to Auschwitz. Good grief!
With dither over quarantine for ‘red list’ countries, Oliver Dowdy refused to confirm the reported date of 15th Feb. Rob Paterson of Best Western criticised the delay, saying he’d be out of a job if he announced a strategy with no plan. As NI ructions rumbled all week, incendiary graffiti and attacks on border staff created concern. Stark contrasts between the DUP and Sinn Fein views threatened the peace. The UK government asked the EU to intervene but what were they meant to do? Boris agreed to the stupid deal! The Black Farmer on QT sensibly said the decision on whether to be inoculated was down to ‘hope or fear’. But he sounded stupid when he confessed to voting for Brexit and didn’t regret it even with personal experience of importing issues and parroted the government’s daft ‘niggles’ argument. German VC Olaf Sloshed called Ursula’s inoculation procurement strategy ‘a disgrace’ saying she did “a really shit job…(we mustn’t) let this shit repeat itself.” While Casa Cruz was saved from closure as a ‘community asset’, Rita Ora jetted off to Australia for The Voice. If only the selfish cow was flying to a red list country! As Santander’s profit drop led to planned branch and staff losses, Andrew Bailey of BoE forecast the economy to ‘bounce back’ in the 3rd quarter of 2021 due to vaccines and holiday spending. He obviously hadn’t spoken to Shatts! Demanding the release of Suu Kyi, Rabid Raab said: “we condemn the detention and charges…(and) consulting with international partners on next steps.” UN SG Antonio Gueterres vowed they would do all they could “to mobilise the international community to put enough pressure on… (so) the coup failed.”
The Sound of Mucous
Snowy Panorama
The outside world looked fuzzy with fog Friday morning. Woken by noisy traffic at 6.50, I struggled to get back to sleep. Sinus symptoms abated except the interminable phlegm, allying plague fears, but I remained extremely fatigued and achy. Phil’s back issue flared up again. I thought it might be because I made him go to the market the previous day but he dismissed the idea. “The bags weren’t heavy.” “That’s not the point. It’s carrying rucksacks.” While he soaked in a radox bath and rallied for the customary trip to buy weekend wine, I started work on another secret Photoshop collage. The Metro evening edition featured a video of the oldest fruit bat in the world. Aged 32, it had 1 eye, frayed wings and was spoilt rotten!
The R rate now 0.7-1.0, Boris promised a ‘precise timeline’ on lifting lockdown in the road map due 15th Feb. The Cock pledged the top 9 priority groups encompassing the over 50’s would be immunised by May which equated to almost half the population. Some moaned of moving goalposts and Jeremy Vine discussed the criteria. When everyone was inoculated? A swivel-head rang in to say just take vitamins. Dr. Sarah was not impressed. More trials of the AZ vaccine found it may reduce transmission and was effective on the Kent virus. Prof. Pollard said data: “indicate that (it) not only protects against the original pandemic virus but also protects against the novel variant B117, which caused the surge…(at) the end of 2020 across the UK.” Possibly only providing limited protection against mild illness from the SA strain, it did protect against severe sickness. Scientists promised a modified version by autumn. The government hedged their bets, doing a deal with German pharma Curevac for adaptations.
The actor Christopher Plummer died, aged 91. His famous quote about the beloved film he was most known for but hated, ‘The Sound of Mucous’, felt appropriate as I disgorged another pile of phlegm.
Vastly improved on Saturday, I managed a whole day out of bed. Humungous drops of rain, sometimes sleety, fell out of the sky, a bit like my snot. We stayed in watching telly films. Still suffering from backache, Phil rested in bed early evening while I cooked curry. The tikka paste which I made from scratch for the first time ever, was jolly good if I say so myself, but the grinding made my back ache, albeit not as bad as his. That night, I tossed and turned for hours, only sleeping in snatches. Waking to find sheets rolled into a ball, I gave up, opened the curtains, almost fell over and lay back down. Phil had a similar experience, barely sleeping due to pain.
Both achy and knackered, Sunday started badly. We observed miniscule snowflakes floating past the window. Dying for some fresh air after being housebound so long, it was icily cold so we stayed indoors. I worked on collages and blogs.
He took Solpadol for his back pain and turned silly. “You’ve been on them happy pixie pills haven’t you?” I admonished tongue-in-cheek. He just giggled. It was nice to see him laugh through the pain!
Shots per minute reached 1,000 for an hour on Saturday leading to a total of 12m. Ageing rocker Shakin’ Stevens was seen getting his.
Richard Burnett of RHA* said exports slumped 68% in January due to Brexit red tape and trucks returned to Europe empty. The government, dismissive as ever, insisted everything was great. 5 unrelated stabbings in Croydon made a total of 13 in London over the weekend, 2 of them fatal. A bigger tragedy unfolded in Uttarakhand, Northern India where a glacier slid into a dam. Dozens were missing or dead including 50 dam workers.
The Corvus Diaries 