“It feels like almost every week there is an issue with sleaze and scandal where Rishi Sunak is either implicated himself or too weak to get to grips with it (Wendy Chamberlain)
Haiga – Enigma
In the wettest March for 40 years, French Storm Mathis brought yellow rain and 70 mph winds to southern England. It was revealed water companies discharged sewage into rivers an average 825 times a day during 2022. The Environment Agency put the 19% drop from 2021 down to droughts. Yorkshire Water claimed to have a £180m plan but customers would need to contribute. Government threatened to impose unlimited fines. Labour lambasted underwhelming targets and penalties to cut sewage and storm overflow discharge way in the distant future.
‘Sorry’ for polluting rivers and seas, Water UK pledged £10bn to mend sewers and build tanks by 2030, but admitted bills would rise. Government urged them to put customers before profit – that was good coming from them! Warned not to swim in dirty water, demonstrators lined the Scarborough shoreline. Yorkshire Water boss Nicola Shaw promised to fix the problem within 2 years. Comics Lee Mack, Pail Whitehouse and Steve Coogan protested against United Utilities spewing filth into Lake Windermere.
Noa, a French storm but not official in the UK, resulted in downpours, wind and massive waves in Cornwall 12th April. A Fin whale washed up on Bridlington beach and died. The Hartlepool fishing industry at grave risk due to all the dead crustaceans, government still denied it had anything to do with dredging. Charities stepped in to provide support.
Westminster as dirty as our waterways, tory MP Scott Benton was entrapped by a lobbying video and suspended. Daniel Greenberg launched investigations into Benton for use of work e-mail and 2 fellow MPs – Henry Smith who used tax-payer funded stationery and The Cock who tried to influence enforcement of parliamentary standards. Matt was ‘shocked and surprised’ – we weren’t! The Commissioner then looked into Rishi Rich for not declaring an interest in Koru Kids in which his wife had shares and stood to benefit from the expansion of free childcare. They were belatedly added to a new ministerial interests list. Thangam Debonnaire reckoned he’d hoped the furore would blow over rather than coming clean.
Adam Tolley KC, investigating bullying allegations against Rabid Raab since November, handed a detailed report to Rishi. Complainants in limbo, a livid Dave Penman of FDA railed at a farce and liberal chief whip Wendy Chamberlain at a weak PM. The next morning, Rishi accepted Raab’s resignation ‘with regret’, confirming his spinelessness. Alex Chalk became Justice sec and Oliver Dowdy deputy PM. In a BBC interview, Raab hit out at the injustice of ‘passive aggressive activist’ civil servants ganging up on ministers they didn’t like. He wouldn’t stand at the next election.
Adam Heppinstall KC (were all KC’s called Adam?) reported that BBC chair Richard Sharp breached the government’s code of conduct over the Boris loan guarantee scandal. Saying it was a distraction, Sharp resigned. Gary Lineker tweeted government shouldn’t make the appointment, now or ever. Lucy Powell said the affair did ‘untold damage to the BBC’ and its independence was ‘seriously undermined’ by tory ‘sleaze and cronyism’. Quite – if he’d had any integrity, he’d have gone when the story broke.
In Scotland, Sturgeon’s house was searched and her husband Peter Murrell arrested then released pending further investigation into SNP finances. A similar fate befell the treasurer and a luxury campervan was seized from outside Murrell’s elderly mum’s house.
Mid-May, United Utilities discharged sewage at Fleetwood contaminating the entire Fylde Coast. Towns across Kent and Sussex without a supply, schools had to close. South East Water issued a hosepipe ban, not because of drought but because they couldn’t keep up with early summer demand, which sounded ludicrous when thunderstorms flooded Rotherham and Sheffield.
Coffee-Cup told Laura K. she was ‘fed up’ with water companies and promised new Ofwat measures would lower share dividends. It emerged Swellen was caught speeding when serving as attorney general and asked civil servants if she could sit a speed awareness course privately. On becoming home sec, she opted for points. Coffee-Cup claimed to know nothing. As too did Rishi at G7. Irritated by questions, he snapped: ‘aren’t you going to ask about the summit?’ A possible breach of the ministerial code, Swellen batted away calls to go, said she regretted speeding but did nothing untoward, and prated about focusing on the job. Rishi informed MPs he was looking into it which meant having a chat with Swellen and Laurie Magnus rather than a proper inquiry.
June officially the hottest on record by 0.9 degrees, scientists expected such temperatures every other year and farmers grew med veg. The recommended 6-month waiting period at an end, Sue Gray got the all-clear to become labour chief of staff. She was later alleged to have broken the civil service code for not disclosing contact. Denying any dirty dealings, labour whinged of a politically motivated ‘Mickey Mouse’ probe by the cabinet office.
Thames Water CE Sarah Bentley returning her bonus over sewage spills didn’t appease so she’d resigned. Struggling to find investors, ministers stood by to take over in a ‘worst case scenario’. 30 years of paying shareholders while bleeding us dry then expecting government to sort it out, Ed Millipede raged at the scandal. Early July, they were fined £3m for polluting the River Thames near Gatwick with raw sewage in 2017, killing thousands of fish. Not mentioning leakage of 602.2m litres a day, River Action’s James Wallace warned Londoners of ‘imminent’ rationing as chalk streams dried up. Interim boss Cathryn Ross complained government’s ‘Plan For Water’ didn’t go far enough and suggested changes to how we thought about water and not taking it for granted, because London was no rainier than Jerusalem – eh? Heatwaves across The Med, a British tourist died of heatstroke queueing at Rome’s colosseum. Another washout weekend in the UK, Surfers Against Sewage advised all Cornish beaches were contaminated. Sewage ‘perfectly legally’ discharged at Filey, Whitby and Scarborough, signs informed of poor water quality on the latter’s South Beach. RNLI stopped putting red flags up, confusing councillors.
A Yorkshire Water ad telling us how to save water beggared belief. Unbelievably patronising given their record on waste, it contained stock footage of a Ukrainian left-hand drive car, a Russian bar and Herefordshire hills. Mocked as ‘more Malvern than Malton’, it was pulled. July estimated to be the hottest month for 1,200 years worldwide, US scientists warned of ‘global boiling’. But Yorkshire experienced the second wettest on record. Not expected to change until mid- August, it felt pleasant enough outside – for October! I reckoned we’d had 5 dry days all month, although unseasonal conditions led to dramatic cloudscapes (see my haiga ‘Enigma’i). When Phil returned from work soaked to the skin, he exclaimed: “Look at me!” “Yes, and you said there’s nowt in the St. Swithin’s adage!”
Approving a coal mine ‘nonsense’, Climate Change Committee Chair Selwyn Gummer thought it a shame the UK no longer led on the issue. The High Court stymied 5 councils’ bid to stop Sadiq extending ULEZ to outer London boroughs. Appealing to motoring gammons, Rishi announced a review of low traffic neighbourhoods even though they were in the remit of local authorities. Backbenchers wanted a delay to the ban on petrol and diesel vehicles but The Glove-Puppet insisted the 2030 date was immoveable. Continuing to renege on promises and drive a ‘wrecking ball’ through climate commitments, Rishi announced 100 new North Sea oil and gas licenses plus carbon capture (to include The Humber), much to Thangam’s ‘disappointment’. Saying use of UK energy sources rather than shipping it halfway round the world was important, Rishi seemed oblivious that most untapped reserves consisted of oil destined for foreign markets.
A standards committee inquiry into ‘inappropriate behaviour’ meant The Pincher faced an 8 week suspension and recall petition possibly leading to yet another by-election. Parliament really was a dirty rotten cesspit!
“Northern Ireland is in the unbelievably special position…in having privileged access, not just to the UK home market, which is enormous…but also the European Union single market…Nobody else has that” (Rishi Sunak)
Cartoon by Matt
Leaked to the ‘leftie press’ i.e., The Observer, The Daily Mail railed a ‘secret summit’ in early February, was a ‘plot to unravel Brexit’. Entitled: ‘How can we make Brexit work better with our neighbours in Europe?’, attendees included ‘arch remainer’ Peter Mandelson, John Healy, David Lammy, old Thatcherites Norman Lamont and Michael Howard and, without Rishi’s knowledge, The Glove-Puppet, which Andrew Brexit on Jeremy Vine, considered mischievous. In light of OBR predictions of a 4% reduction in GDP 15 years after the referendum, and John Haskel of the BOE monetary policy committee calculating a £29bn cost (£1,000 per household), the cross-party nature of the gathering implied acceptance of post-Brexit economic damage. A source told The Guardian ‘the main thrust’ was, with Britain losing out, Brexit not delivering and a weak economy, ‘moving on from leave and remain’, the issues faced, and how we could discuss changes to trade and cooperation with the EU.
On 27th, Ursula Von Hitler came to sign off a renegotiated Northern Ireland protocol with Rishi, and bizarrely have a cuppa with Kingy. The new Windsor Framework entailed a green express lane from Great Britain to NI and the same taxes, a role for the ECJ*, and Stormont putting the brakes on further changes – if the assembly ever reconvened. Noting an improvement in the UK-EU relationship, commentators believed it could presage closer cooperation in other areas.
Northern Ireland minister Steve Baker blubbered with emotion and Sinn Fein gushed with enthusiasm. Tory backbenchers and the DUP were more circumspect – the latter also outraged at the monarch’s involvement. Perhaps they could be bribed with fresh produce, as suggested in Matt’s cartoon.
Visiting the Lisburn Coca Cola factory the next day, Rishi unbelievably lauded Northern Ireland’s ‘special position’ of being able to trade freely with both the UK and EU. Alliance party leader Naomi Long tweeted: “’Nobody else has that.’ Well, you did, actually. Plus, the opt outs. But you binned it for Brexit. Go figure…” At PMQs, Stephen Flynn asked, if access to the EU market was so special, why couldn’t we all have it? Quite!
On 2nd March, a London conference audience were asked if they thought Brexit was a ‘good idea’. The Bumbler was fuddled by a lack of hand-showing. As the Windsor Framework left Northern Ireland under EU rules, Boris complained it was ‘not about taking back control’, thus he’d find it ‘very, very difficult’ to vote for but didn’t say he’d vote against it. Would it be deal or no deal?
Addendum: A 3-hour privileges committee partygate session on 22nd March, at which Boris in a new haircut was grilled (more later), was interrupted for voting on the ‘Stormont Brake’. Dramatic back-tracking by arch Brexiteers led to a government win with 515 ayes. The 29 nays included former PMs Boris and Trussed-Up. Perhaps they’d finally get the message!
“There is no shying away from the reality that the NHS is deep in crisis” (Siva Anandaciva)
Boris at Work
UCL research found the risk of death from strokes and heart attacks among the unvaccinated, 8 times higher in the first 3 weeks after covid and 5 times higher for 18 months. Covid and flu both still rising in January, UKHSA advised we stay home if ill and wear a face-mask if we went out.
The NHS winter crisis deepening, Rishi Rich, The C**t and treasury ministers met health leaders at Downing Street Saturday 7th. The so-called NHS recovery forum discussed long-term plans rather than pressing critical issue – such bad timing, AND the tories had had 12 years to do this! RCN leader Pat Cullen saw a ‘chink of optimism’ when Rishi told Laura K. Sunday, he was open to talks on nurses’ pay and not expecting them to achieve much, attended ‘crunch talks’ along with other health, rail and teaching reps and relevant ministers at Number 10 Tuesday 9th. In the 45 minute time slots, minister offered one-off payments in return for increased productivity to avert strikes. Unite called it insulting and a waste of time.
The government then announced block-booking of care beds to free up hospital beds. A 2-year blueprint later unveiled with NHS England, £1bn of existing funds would be used to buy new ambulances, hospital beds, virtual beds and community teams. They didn’t say where staffing for all that lot would come from. Amid grim reports of makeshift morgues to deal with excess corpses, King’s Fund chief analyst Siva Anandaciva said the NHS was in ‘deep crisis’. Confronted by real-life horror stories, Tory Chalk avoided using the ‘c’ word on QT. Anna Soubry was no longer a tory, Tim Historian spouted the usual Torygraph tripe, Bridget Philipson trolled out the labour party line and Ash Sarkar claimed tories were scared of the unions. On Newscast, new TUC boss Paul Nowak laughed at the idea they were running the country. Who was?
The RC church were to investigate a lockdown sex party in priest’s quarters adjoining St. Mary’s cathedral, Newcastle. Dean Fr. Michael McCoy invited parishioners but alarmed at a possible police probe, withdrew from his post and was found dead in an Air BnB April 2021. Did he not know suicide was a mortal sin? No suggestion he attended the orgy, Bishop Byrne resigned December 2022. The commons privileges committee grilling still looming, an ITV podcast uncovered more debauchery related to Partygate. Aides hard at work screwing, shredding evidence and colluding on police reports, Bumbling Boris joked they were at the “most non-socially distanced party in the UK right now.” Lobby Akinnola’s (Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice) stomach turned at a second year of ‘horrible revelations’ continuing to ‘trivialise death’. Already suspended from parliament for failure to declare financial interests, Andrew Bridgen had the tory whip withdrawn for spreading covid vaccine disinformation and comparing it to the holocaust.
78 year old Welsh GP Dr. Mehboob Ali got covid and died 5 days after retiring. Tuesday 17th a busy day for Wakefield coroners, inquests into two deaths during lockdown #2i found Michael Holmes was trampled by a herd of cows in a field in Netherton and David Nash who died after 4 phone consultations, may have lived if he’d actually seen a doctor. As a Parliamentary Joint Committee recommended the government strengthen the Mental health bill to address historic shortfalls and inequalities Thursday 19th, RCGP (Royal College of General Practitioners) Clare Gerada went on QT to insist GPs did their jobs well and laud IAPT (improved access to psychological therapies). Most access at crisis point, Victor Adebowale of the NHS Confederation retorted it was all topsy turvy and not good enough. Wes Streeting promised labour would fund mental health hubs by closing tax loopholes and ex-Brexit party nutter and stuck record James Bartholomew, complained the whole system was broke.
“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)
Highway To Hell
Woodland 1
Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogi. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.
As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.
More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.
John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.
Highway To Hell
In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.
As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.
Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.
At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.
After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.
In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.
Nasty Business
The Grand
Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”
Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”i. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!
Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.
Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.
Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandii). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.
Calling Blighty
Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!
1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?
The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.
Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.
Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.
Unhinged
Woodland 2
The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”
Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.
A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.
Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.
Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.
Get Out!
New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.
Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ii). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.
Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!
Broken Britain
Broken Britain
Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”
Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)
Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.
Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.
On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.
Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?
When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.
At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)
Blast Furnace Blast
The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.
E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.
GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15th & 20th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)
Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.
After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.
Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3rd-5th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!
*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity
**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services
“Nobody puts their life at risk unless they are absolutely desperate and feel they have no other option” (Mike Adamson)
On The Slide
Haiga – Snow Field
On a frosty and bright Monday morning, I rose on wobbly legs. Still unwell, I couldn’t remember the last time such debilitation lasted more than a week. I managed short bursts out of bed to help Phil with recycling and washing, getting stressed when I saw the machine was set incorrectly. I calmed down to sort it and worked on blogs. Both receiving text invites from the central system and the local surgery, we booked boosters via the latter for the following week. Puzzled that Phil got messages last week and I didn’t, he told me he had 2 different dates of birth on the NHS system. Was I in the wrong age bracket?
Ofgem put Bulb, the 7th largest energy supplier, into ‘special administration’. Too many customers to pass onto another company, Uswitch,com said: “This signals the tipping point of the UK energy crisis. With Bulb’s 1.7 million customer base, over 4 million people have now been directly impacted by the turbulent energy market.” 886 on Saturday, migrants crossing the channel during 2021 reached 25,600, treble the total for the whole of 2020. Bella Sankey of Detention Action railed: “The crisis is that people with credible protection claims…are forced to make dangerous journeys that make the UK look chaotic and incompetent.” French interior minister Gérald Darmanin claimed migrants were enticed by a UK army of ‘irregular workers’. Nasty Patel crap at her job, Steve Barclay was drafted in to lead a taskforce. He considered strengthening return agreements, using barracks to house arrivals, benefits cuts and ridiculously, ‘offshoring’.
Speaking to the CBI, The Bumbler lost his place, rifled through papers, repeated ‘forgive me’ 3 times, went ‘vroom, vroom’, compared himself to Moses and rambled about Peppa Pig being ‘pure genius’ even though she looked like a Picasso hairdryer. Phil joked he didn’t actually mean to go to Peppa Pig World but Capitalist Pig World and took a wrong turn! I thought he might have syphilis. Downing Street was forced to declare he was ‘well’. On Newsnight, Polly Guardian complained the CBI needed serious information, Boris was on the point of losing it and ‘on the slide’. Danny Finkelstein told us Boris’ political strategy revolved around himself. His self-confidence led to a lack of preparation. On the immigration bill, Diane Abbot wanted proper policies instead of daft ideas like the wave machine. A tory denied that was ever a thing (err, yes it was. See part 30 of this blog). She said antagonising the French wasn’t working. After Nick Thomas-Symonds seemed to contradict his leader by telling Marr that migrants should be sent back to the first safe country they arrived in, Abbot was asked what was the labour policy? She declined to answer. Well, that’s clear then – not!
Marginally better on Tuesday, I made an effort to dress before the Ocado delivery then worked on blogs. Experimenting with knobbly squash for dinner, I made a topping for orzo, panicking when it stuck to the pan. It tasted good but the squishy mess wasn’t what I intended.
With weekly covid deaths over 1,000 for the first time since 12th March and 1/3 of cases asymptomatic, the Scottish and English governments urged anyone going to crowded places or visiting the vulnerable during the festive period to get an LFT. Northern Irelanders were asked to limit social contact and work from home. Europe ‘in the firm grip’ of the virus, deaths passed 1.5 million and the WHO feared they’d reach 2.2 million by March. Dr. Hans Kluge said: “we face a challenging winter ahead but we should not be without hope, because all of us…can take decisive action to stabilise the pandemic.” Merkel barked that German regional measures weren’t good enough and health minister Jens Spahn warned by the end of winter, the whole population would be vaccinated, recovered or dead. Very German! Former jab tsar Kate Bingham lectured Oxford University on a “devastating lack of skills and experience in science, industry, commerce and manufacturing” In government. 70 tory backbenchers voted against the latest version of the Health & Social Care Bill because it broke yet another promise: local authority payments would be discounted by the cap so 2/3 of northerners would have to sell their homes to pay for their care. Rabid Raab allegedly held a fund-raising party at Chevening. Against parliamentary rules, Rayner demanded to see receipts.
Still achy Wednesday, I managed a few stretches and made porridge. I sat on the bed rather than in it, worked on blogs and watched PMQs. The chamber packed with mask-less tories, Keir quipped: ‘I see they’ve turned up this week’ and gabbed about broken promises. The only thing he’s delivering is: “high taxes, high prices and low growth.”
Bracing myself for a trip to the co-op, it was quite fun for once. A small fairy princess danced in the aisles and a jolly man whistled as he wheeled about in his chair putting items on his lap. I struggled home with backache and took it easy in the afternoon. Ample orzo but not much squishy sauce left, I added passata. A definite improvement, it vaguely reminded me of a childhood dinner. Our evening was interrupted by a huge, loud chopper flying so low the windows rattled. Some chump asked the local Facebook group ‘what was that?’ To which a joker quipped: ‘sorry, no more pickled gherkins for me!’
At a Transport for the North meeting in Leeds, northern leaders called IRP the ‘cheap and nasty option’. A dinghy capsized in Pas de Calais. 27 migrants drowned. Lamentations all round, Mike Adamson of The British Red Cross said nobody risked their life unless they were desperate and urged the government “to rethink its plans for making the UK’s asylum system harder to access.” Boris spoke to Mini Macron and held a Cobra meeting. A special edition of Newsnight pitted those who believed the way to solve the crisis was to create safe routes against those who thought it was to make crossings impossible and the UK less attractive, such as the awful member for Dover Natalie Elphicke. People died, you heartless bitch! Justin Welby called for a system based on: “compassion, justice and co-operation across frontiers.” Touché!.
Out Of Control
Buried Services
Brilliantly sunny on Thursday, thick crunchy rooftops didn’t deter me from opening the window to shake blankets out. Going out later than planned, the sun already dipped behind the hill. On the way to the surgery, I spotted Elderly Neighbour and Environment Agency works warning of ‘buried services’. From a plethora of posters plastered to the surgery doors, I eventually discerned I needed to press the buzzer and wait for someone to come and hand me a test kit from a safe distance. I got a few items from charity shops, the sweet shop and Boots where the pharmacist rudely stacked shelves in the middle of serving me.
To celebrate Thanksgiving, outbreaks of bird flu emerged. All poultry-keepers were directed to keep foul cooped up from next Monday. Was turkey off the Christmas menu again? Revellers died after a covid party in Italy. Covid passes lasted 9 months if you were vaccinated but only 6 months if you had antibodies – idiots! In an urgent statement to the house on migrant drownings, Nasty Patel said she’d offered France joint patrols but was dismissed as ‘crazy’ by Calais MP Henri Dumont. Micron demanded more help from Britain as people ‘don’t want to stay in France’, and from EU partners, because when they got to France it was too late. Boris tweeted a letter containing his ‘5 point plan’* before Micron received it, resulting in Patel being uninvited to a meeting in Calais with France, Belgium, Holland and Germany. What a twat! Seeing the missive as a sop to tory backbenchers over ‘taking back control’ rather than serious diplomacy, Darmanin called it “unacceptable and counter to our discussions between partners.” Nick Thomas-Symonds bemoaned a ‘grave error of judgement’: “This is a humiliation for a PM and home secretary who have completely lost control of the situation in the channel.” A refugee now settled in Britain came on BBC Breakfast the next day to say Europe should be ashamed of letting people drown.
The QT panel was asked: ‘is the PM okay?’ Some tory said ‘give him slack’ but Eluned Morgan MS was ’a big critic’, repeating the over-used ‘overpromised and underdelivered time and time again’ line and Liz Saville lamented infantile Westminster politics. Our erstwhile housemate, now apparently an author, said it’d be okay if Boris had a competent government behind him, but he didn’t. On the social care cap, Rob Buckland wanted to wait for the white paper and input from lords before tweaking. Lindsay Hoyle appeared on Newscast with his parrot, Boris, who shouted ‘lock the doors’ on trains. He said we’d recently seen the house at its best and its worst and he’d not give up trying to take hate out of politics. Calling for zero tolerance of online abuse, he said if social media companies failed to act, we must use the law.
Blown Off Course
Corvid Roost
Friday, I found lots of gaps in the co-op especially fresh stuff, but got a reduced chicken. With no bottles to carry, I’d not asked for Phil’s help but was fully laden by extra purchases. A group of oldies and a yapping dog blocked the trolley park. Repeatedly saying ‘excuse me’ to no avail, I struggled to manoeuvre the trolley round them and stomped home. Cleaning the bathroom in the afternoon, I found a veritable spider’s nest. Long since gone, they left a big mess.
New variant B.1.1.529 named Omicron by the Who, had a ‘constellation’ of 30 mutations 1 case found in Belgium, Susan Hopkins suspected it was already in the UK. 6 African countries were put on the red list. Effective 4.00 a.m. Sunday, incomers were required to quarantine in hotels and take PCR tests. Phil worried about immediate crackdowns. I fretted it was vaccine-resistant thus rendering all the jabs futile. In celebration of Black Friday, XR blocked amazon warehouses across the country. Ben Wally announced restructuring the army would make it ‘leaner but more productive’. “It’s nice to be told you’re not productive after digging the government out of every hole they’ve caused for the past few years!” exclaimed Phil.
Storm Arwen forecast to bring 75 mph winds, snow, travel disruption and damage, Scotland and parts of northern England were on red alert. Phil cheerfully hummed seasonal tunes. “It’ll probably be soggy sleet.” I predicted. “Don’t be so pessimistic!” Just as we headed to bed, a strange whistling was heard and the telly went off. “That’ll be the storm then. It sounds like it’s passing right over us.” “Yes, above the valley.“
Not as badly hit as some areas, Arwen blew through the night, bringing sub-zero temperatures, a sprinkling of snow and more seasonal humming to Saturday. 120 lorries got stuck in the white stuff on the M62 near Rochdale. Power cuts all over, our Vodafone signal went. The kitchen like the arctic, I re-named it The South Pole, declared it too cold to go out, worked on the Christmas card, replaced the Halloween tree with advent decorations and watched telly via iPlayer and All 4. Phil nipped to the café for forgotten prints, reporting town packed even though it was freezing. Crowds were attracted by an extended market. As if we needed an actual Christmas market!
Terrestrial telly resumed in the midst of a briefing from Boris, Witless and Valance. In the wake of the Omicron variant, masks would again be mandatory for public transport and retail from Tuesday. Uncommitted on lockdown and working from home, even though sage advised it, doomsayers predicted another cancelled Christmas. EU countries examined arrivals for the mutant, people were stuck on planes at Schiphol airport and the US closed borders to all except American citizens. As 2 confirmed cases arrived in Britain, 4 more African countries were added to the red list.
Pockmarked Canal
Roused early Sunday by what I thought was Phil shouting, I realised the noise was coming from down below, and decided Ray Bradbury stories were seeping into my dreamsi. When he woke, he complained of confusion and subsequently said he felt ill. I stole myself to bathe and dressed as fast as possible to avoid hypothermia.
An unexpected proper snow fall tempted us outside. I donned the bear coat and proper boots. The gorgeous new blanket squeaked and crunched underfoot. Boys at the end of the street abandoned a sled to throw snowballs. Ducks and pigeons scrabbled for birdfeed opposite the pet shop. Corvids roosted in the apex of bare trees, as if blown off course. The Christmas craft market still on, we advised an artist her unique animal paintings would definitely sell in the café.
In the park, crusties dragged felled branches across a pristine football pitch and a small girl sledged on the slope. “Let’s build a snowman!” she screamed excitedly at dad. “Snowperson round here,” I corrected her. On the towpath, autumn leaves were trapped beneath an icy layer, pockmarked by mysterious holes possibly made by fish. Back home, I took recycling out before removing my outerwear. Young Dad stood on his doorstep. We discussed the perils of driving in snow and them getting covid. He was ill for 3 weeks even though he had 2 jabs ages ago – maybe his immunity had waned? His partner hadn’t had any vaccine as allegedly every time she was booked in, something went wrong. Likely story! In the evening, I wrote a haigaii and added new snowy photos to the Christmas card, getting a headache from working on Photoshop late.
As RUF was cited as a possible super-spreader event, South Africans whinged they were penalised for identifying the new mutant and speedily sharing data. Dr. Angelica Coetzee told Marr she first saw patients suffering headaches and fatigue 18th November. Symptoms were mild but there were lots of cases. Moderna CMO Paul Burton relayed the need to establish if Omicron was more transmissible, caused more severe disease and evaded vaccines. 11 of the mutations indicated it might but as they began developing a new booster on thanksgiving, he was optimistic. As Saj wittered about firebreaks and mitigations, the DOE advised secondary schoolkids to wear masks in communal areas. At EU crisis talks on eliminating people-smuggling gangs, the French foreign minister said relations with the UK were ‘not easy’ but we had to try to get along. Disinvited Nasty Patel said it was a shame she wasn’t there and would speak to her counterparts during the week. Meanwhile, she was lambasted by tory backbenchers for failing to implement the resettlement scheme announced in August, forcing Afghans onto unsafe routes to reach Britain.
*Boris’ 5 point plan: joint patrols to stop boats leaving France; using tech such as radars and sensors; maritime patrols in each other’s territorial waters and airborne surveillance; more work on the joint intelligence cell; Bilateral returns agreement with France alongside talks to set up a UK-Europe agreement.
“This is the playbook we see from them every crisis. Deny there’s a problem, fail to plan, blame the public, blame someone else, then call in the army. It’s utter incompetence” (Luke Pollard)
Land of Fire
Fractures
Both fatigued Monday I struggled with the mundane chores. Putting recycling out, I was stressed out at almost being trapped against the wall by an inconsiderate UPS deliverer. Posting the journal took hours and gave me a headache, compounded by sudden blinding sunlight streaming through the windows on a blustery day. I came up with a new technique to make editing subsequent chapters quicker. Still sunny early evening, I considered going out to the garden but depressed at no sun on that side, I gave up the idea: a shame since the rest of the week was wet and grey.
66% of adults now double-jabbed, the UK was catching up with Canada, Chile, Singapore, Italy, Belgium, Ireland, Spain and Portugal (at 84%). In a hellish conference week for Keir, Andy McDonald resigned very publicly from the shadow cabinet. Fuelled by the petrol crisis, tube travel increased 7%, bus 2%, and rail 6%, where flexi-tickets further incentivised passengers. Amidst a plethora of idiotic acts, motorists stockpiled petrol, filled plastic bottles and bags to sell on Facebook, vandalised cars to syphon tanks and fought on forecourts. A cyclist taunted queueing drivers and a cavalcade at a shut garage in Wimbledon created gridlock. Care workers called for priority access to available stocks. A mini tornado ripped through Thorngumbald and Humberston in East Yorkshire while an earthquake near Heraklion killed 1 and injured 20 in Crete.
Discussing fuel issues on Newsnight, Richard Walker said the temp visas effective from mid-October would make little difference. As he mentioned voting for Brexit, I went off him. Phil said “some nice people voted leave.” “Hmm!” Michel Barnier promoted his long-awaited Secret Brexit Diaries in an interview. Repeatedly wishing the UK well, he said we must face the consequences of leaving but the EU were ready to find solutions within the NI protocol framework (not outside of it); the conditions of which should be ‘no surprise’ as “Boris knew what he signed.” He obviously didn’t! Ahead of running for President, he called for a French referendum on immigration to ‘regain legal sovereignty’ on key issues, but maintained free movement within the EU wasn’t at stake.
The headache returned Tuesday morning. I must have looked pained as Phil asked what was up. “It’s hard today” “I’ll have to shoot you.” “That’s helpful!” “What can I do?” “Be nice for a start!” Rain arrived just in time for a trip to the co-op with the usual gaps on shelves and nothing in the reduced section.
Boris met Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice, promising they’d have a role in the public inquiry and to appoint a chair by Christmas. He also endorsed the memorial wall opposite parliament as a permanent national emblem. The petrol situation improved slightly but pumps still under 50% full, the MOD approved ‘Operation Escalin’, putting the army on standby to step in for HGV drivers. Phil pointed out they were all TAs so probably worked as drivers anyway. BOE boss Andy Bailey derided comments about a lack of wind affecting the supply chain: “when is the plague of locusts due?” Luke Pollard said it illustrated the incompetence of the government. South Eastern was stripped of its franchise and effectively nationalised, even though it paid back £25m of undeclared taxpayers money. Aldi announced 100 new stores creating 2,000 jobs. 53 Insulate Britain protesters were released from custody despite the injunction.
Late telly-watching led to a bad night. Unable to sleep, I looked out the window to see blazing lights. Sifting through a jumble of stuff whizzing round my mind, concluded I was fed up with the mundanity of life but was devoid of ideas on how to change it. I eventually dropped off to the meditation soundtrack.
Fire And Brimstone
Chasing Ducks
Feeling unrested Wednesday, I hoped Phil’s weekend hoovering would make cleaning the living room quick. Sadly not. On a showery afternoon, I went to town via the street below to avoid a crane at the mill development straddling our street. German Friend stood on her doorstep and told me she’d taken tests to ensure her cold symptoms weren’t covid. Prevaricating about going to work, I advised she look after herself. After errands, I loitered at the wavy steps to be chased by ducks, mistaking the rustle of plastic bags for bread. I escaped through the carpark and along to the new bridge. New Gran sheltered under an awning of the corner pub, with her daughter and grandson. The only drinkers outside, I called: “hello diehards!” We chatted over the wall about the baby’s fulsome barnet, him being taken to gigs and mum’s graduation in Liverpool. I’d arranged to meet Phil at the café and noticed he’d appeared on the other side of the busy main road, tricky to navigate. Going in the café, I wore a mask; nobody else did. Surprisingly busy, I wondered why they’d asked him to go at that time to take some prints away. We retreated to the back until the owner returned from an errand. He paid Phil for 2 sold pictures (at least 1 was Leeds-themed, belying the critics), dithered over which ones he wanted removed then decided they could all stay until the end of October. “That was an easy work!” Phil giggled. “Yes. I expected to be there at least long enough to take my anorak off. I even put a clean top on!” “Me too!”
Institute for Public Policy North found 3 times more deaths in the North East compared to the least-affected South East, since lockdown ended 19th July. Blaming poor working and living conditions, the rift between north and south was stark. Fended off hecklers by saying he usually got heckled by tories at PMQs on a Wednesday, Keir gave his first live keynote speech since becoming leader to mock The Bumbler: “we have a fuel crisis, a pay crisis, a goods crisis and a cost of living crisis all at the same time. Level up? You cannot even fuel up.” He thought Boris wasn’t a bad man but a trivial showman, “a trickster who has performed his one trick.” i.e., Brexit. He could have added Boris wanted to be PM for the sake of it: once he got the job, he had no idea it would involve actual work. Not staying to sing the traditional Red Flag at the end of conference, we recalled it was banned under Blair. Would the two side of the party ever be reconciled? Might the die-hard lefties split and effectively leave a social democratic party of Nouveau Guardianistas? Did someone say Gang of Four?
After bathing Thursday, I tried to remove a nail shard from my big toe, in the exact spot where a chiropodist had cut it too short 3 years ago, I never returned after that. I worked on the journal and went to the market in the cold rain. Jolly veg man had price labels up, so over-charging was less likely. In the afternoon, I started editing holiday notes for Cool Places 2, became knackered and lay down. Characteristically unable to relax, at least I got warm in bed. Phil re-surfaced sooner than normal, not snoozing for once. “You’re lucky you can sleep in the afternoon.” “Not when I’m collapsing with fatigue.” “Makes no difference to me!”
On the last day of the furlough scheme, almost 1 million workers were still on it. Heartless tory git Simon Clarke said job losses were ‘a part of the process’ of support ending. Amidst mounting criticism of the Universal Credit cut, government announced a £500 million Household Support Fund, enabling councils to give grants to needy families. Therese Coffee-cup said it would help meet “essential costs as we push through the last stages of our recovery from the pandemic.” Rishi Rich surfaced in Selby to say it’d ‘make a real difference’. But Helen Barnard of the Joseph Rowntree Foundation countered it didn’t come close “to meeting the scale of the challenge facing millions of families on low incomes as a cost of living crisis looms and our social security system is cut down to inadequate levels…(admitting) families will need to apply for emergency grants to meet the cost of basics like food and heating through winter, it’s clear the chancellor knows the damage (it) will cause.” At Wayne Couzen’s 2-day sentencing hearing, gory details of Sarah Everard’s murder were summarised in court as: ‘deception, kidnap, rape, strangulation and fire’. He was given a whole life sentence and would die in jail (and hopefully burn in hell if there was one). Kate Wilson won her human rights case against the Met for being duped into a relationship with undercover cop Mark Kennedy aka Stone.
After 3 more unheard-of energy companies went bust, a reserve fleet of tankers headed to Yorkshire where petrol shortages were worst. No surprise as 10% of the UK’s pollutants emanated from the county. Rabid Raab suggested using ex-cons. Now, what could go wrong there? On Question Time, Useless George denied ‘turbulence in the supply chain’ was anything to do with Brexit, saying fuel demand up 50% last weekend, was now improving. Karan Bilimaria of Cobra beer ‘felt sick’ by the shortages and said the government wouldn’t listen to the immigration advisory board or CBI months ago. Ella Whelan, Spiked magazine, said there were long-standing problems of HGV drivers sleeping in cabs and peeing on the roadside. Flight attendant-turned-reality star Amy Hart referred to short-term visas as unfair: “You can’t treat people that way.” Useless said it would ensure driver capacity for the busy Christmas period, as too would 5,500 poultry workers. Referring to the Couzens trial, Wes Streeting said changing the police culture of ‘letting things go’ needed action not words. Amid renewed calls for Caressa Dick to resign, ex inspector Zoe Billingham was asked on BBC Breakfast next day why misogynists were allowed in the force to form WhatsApp groups and jokingly call colleagues ‘rapists’? She maintained it was a small minority and she’d been working on it for 9 years. It shouldn’t happen at all, you useless Coffee-cupper! Met advice to women approached by lone officers such as flagging down a bus, running to a house or dialling 999 were lambasted as ‘derisory’. North Yorks PCC Philip Allot advised women to be more streetwise about powers of arrest. Flabbergasted by the insulting comments, we wondered how anybody was meant to know what the Coronavirus Laws were when Sarah Everard was kidnapped during the first lockdown. Not even the police did, and arguably still didn’t! Subsequent retraction of the comments didn’t stop Keir wanting Allot to resign or York MP Rachel Maskell calling his position ‘untenable’.
Tierra Del Fuego
Hell Heron
Friday still showery, at least we didn’t get a deluge like in other places. Heavy rain caused flooding in Greater Manchester, commuter issues in London and delayed installation of a temporary TV mast in North Yorkshire. More gales over the weekend prompted yellow warnings. I did some writing and went to the co-op. Phil caught me up in the last aisle to guffaw at ‘dots’ aka micro-doughnuts and empty freezer shelves.
We investigated recent dinosaur discoveries. A week after a 165 million year old new Ankylosaur was found in Morocco, evidence of two more dinosaurs emerged on the Isle of Wight. The 125 million year old carnivorous Riparovenator minerae and Ceratosuchops inferodios aka ‘Hell Heron’ attacked visitors, according to The Sun. We wondered why on earth anyone would go there back then as an artist’s impression depicted the holiday hotspot as hell on earth.
New covid cases up 18% week on week, the sharpest rise in 11-15 year olds returning to school, rates were still lower than the second wave in January. 12 hours before the Scottish Covid Pass went live, the app was launched. People complained of system errors but Sturgeon stuck to her guns and cited the 2-week grace period during which there’d be no prosecutions. ONS figures showed economic growth 5.5% April to June, but only 0.1% in July. Expectations for August were revised down to 2.1% because of supply chain problems. H&M profits tripled, Boohoo sales increased 20%, the energy price cap went up and Virgin Money shut 31 branches as more people banked online during the pandemic. Australia would lift the 18-month travel ban sometime in November when 80% of Aussies over 16 were fully vaccinated. Qantas to start flights from Sydney to London and Los Angeles 14th November, no date was given for when we’d be welcome.
No improvement in the weekend weather, I stayed in Saturday and used a surplus of oats to make goodies. Taking miles longer to bake than the recipes indicated, the cookies had soggy bottoms and the flapjacks were too sticky to remove from the tin. “This is why I’m not a patisserie chef!“ Cold overnight, I slept badly and spent a fatigued Sunday draft-posting the journal, writing a haigai and posting ‘Views over Sands’ on Cool Places 2ii. Phil registered for more gig work on ‘click jobs’ which sounded hilariously like ‘clickbait’. Declaring it time, I fetched bedspreads out of storage for a toastier sleep.
In the South East, another injunction was granted to stop Insulate Britain protestors blocking major roads. Petrol shortages now worse than Yorkshire, the army started deliveries from Hemel Hempstead while Watford Town went north to be beaten by Leeds United 1-0 (their first win of the season). At the start of the tory party conference, Boris went to a Manchester gym sporting ridiculous boxing gloves emblazoned with ‘build back better’. They’d had almost a decade to do that! Setting the bar high (not), he told Andrew Marr Christmas would be better than last year. The Bunman said The Glove-puppet was good for ‘levelling up’ as he got things done like with education. Eh? He made a right mess of that! IDS wanted the cut to Universal Credit delayed but Gordy Brown wanted it scrapped, citing a report by York university on how it affected families. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation found Bradford West hardest hit with 81% on the benefit. Encouraged by the conviction of Wayne Couzens, a woman came forward to accuse a fellow Met officer of rape. David Carrick strenuously denied all charges. New fissures in the Cumbre Vieja volcano sent fresh rivers of fire across La Palma. Maybe they should rename it Tierra Del Fuego.
“The package…falls far short of what is needed. It is too narrow, too small and will be delivered too slowly. Above all, (it) betrays an undervaluation of the importance of education for individuals and as a driver of a more prosperous and healthy society” (Kevan Collins)
Bedazzled
Haiga – Salem
Morning mist once again burned off Monday and sunny weather persisted much of the week. Dozing from early dawn, I rose feeling unrested. I let Phil lie in while I fetched the tea. He awoke groggily from a heavy slumber. Lucky him! Unlike the last bank holiday, we were keen to get out and enjoy this one. Debating where to go, Phil searched a baffling array of magic stones, all some distance away. Seeing a much closer outcrop labelled on the map, I suggested a shorter walk and assembled a small picnic.
We headed out in dazzling sun to the opposite side of the valley where fallen fluffy catkins resembled dust on the pavement and bluebells gave the illusion of violet fields. At the western edge of the wood, a man inexplicably built a blazing fire. Further up, dandelions displayed luminous flowers and perfectly round seed heads. We ascended the lane through a gate into fields where spooky dead trees redolent of the holy land inspired my next haigai. Umpteen stiles later, we emerged onto another lane, dodging nasty flies lurking in a muddy quagmire and a group of walkers with a tiny dog coming the other way. Turning right, we stopped by a tinkling brook to eat, surrounded by hewn rocks, tussocks, delicate cuckoo flowers, buzzing bees and small heath butterflies. We then followed the treeline along the top of woodland. Phil thought he spotted the named outcrop, but with others nearby, it was hard to be sure. On the final steep descent, we gave our aching knees a break at a field where supine sheep grazed on overgrown grass. A mother and lamb lay comically at right angles. “Push-me-pull-ewe!” A refreshing breeze up top dropped significantly lower down, making us hot. Luckily reaching home before heatstroke set in, I started editing photos but had to stop with fatigue. (For a Fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’ii)
Blackburn overtook Bolton as the epicentre of Indian variant cases. Concerned Ravi Gupta of Nervtag called for further easing of restrictions to be postponed and sage bod Susan Michie warned: “We’re on a knife-edge. Either it could run away as it did at Christmas or potentially it could be contained. Everybody’s behaviour could potentially make the difference.”
Useless George trolled out the familiar government line about not making a decision until 14th June. Ministers wanted all over 50’s to get 2 vaccine doses by 21st June (didn’t they know it took a month to be effective?) As infections rose in Hounslow, Twickenham rugby stadium offered jabs to anyone over 18. People were left fuming after queuing for hours in the heat when the drugs ran out. The OECD predicted UK GDP would grow but less than other G7 countries and said worldwide recovery could be uneven due to disparities in vaccine distribution. Rishi Rich called the forecast “testament to the ongoing success of our vaccine rollout and evidence our plan is working.” If you say so! UK travellers had to demonstrate ‘compelling reasons’ for going to France and quarantine for 7 days. From the Have I Got News For You repeat, I learnt of a cloak and dagger operation to smuggle posh food deliveries into Downing Street, paid for by a tory donor’s wife, and that The Bumbler and Nasty Patel wore jackets with their job titles sewn on – in case they forgot, obvs!
Bespattered
Large Red Poppy
In spite of a bath the previous night, my muscles ached Tuesday, including my buttocks. Had I strained my gluteus maximus? Cleaning the kitchen, I got distracted by the state of the toaster after recent heavy usage. I expunged a mountain of crumbs and bespattered the sink. I spent the rest of the morning writing, then went to get cash and a top-up shop. It was all going on, on the street below; the shed people worked outside while tanning, naked kids paddled in a small pool and neighbours chatted inanely. I arrived at the co-op to discover I’d forgotten my purse so slogged back and forth in the heat. The ATM bafflingly let me go through the whole process before failing to dispense any money. I omitted a couple of groceries to stay within budget, dodged half-term kids running amok and asked at the kiosk about the cash machine to be told in characteristically brusque fashion: “It’s nowt to do with us!” Back home, I filled 2 bags with garden waste, and slumped on the sofa hot and exhausted to gulp water before having a lie down. Early evening, a bee buzzed the wrong side of the living room window. I tried to usher it out but it became stressed so I left it. In the process, I noticed a pocket watch Phil had been fixing on the floor. He crawled around searching for the tiny hands only finding one, and seemed to think it was my fault. “Don’t blame me. I’m always telling you not to put things on the floor!”
The WHO renamed variants in line with Greek letters: Alpha, Kent; Beta, South Africa; Gamma, Brazil; Delta, India. For the first time since 30th July 2020, no UK covid deaths were officially reported but cases in Yorkshire rose 19% within a week, although numbers in hospital fell. Covboost trials started in Leeds and Bradford, using 1 of 7 vaccines (AZ, Pfizer, Moderna, Novavax, Valneva, Janssen and Curevac). Prof. Dingbat concurred with the official message that there was ‘nothing in the data’ to warrant abandoning the roadmap. “From a societal point of view, I think it’s really important that we go ahead on June 21st…we’ve got to look at the collateral damage…(and) the impact of economic damage that would be caused by further periods of delay and uncertainty.” Prof. Finn disagreed. With people still vulnerable, the job wasn’t yet done and going ahead with easement ‘may be a bad decision’. Boris chimed in: “We need to work out…to what extent the vaccination programme has protected enough of us, particularly the elderly and vulnerable against a new surge. And there, I’m afraid, the data is just still ambiguous.”
Heathrow re-opened terminal 3 to separate red list arrivals at long last. As the eviction ban ended, the Joseph Rowntree Foundation said 800,000 tenants were at risk of homelessness and half had already received notice. Discussing a new pollution charge for brum-brums in Brummie, some befuddled idiot on BBC Breakfast advocated placing monitors away from the road – well, that would make levels drop! It was later announced there’d be a 2-week delay imposing fines while people got used to the idea.
Buttocks still hurting Wednesday morning, I forced myself to do exercise. I noticed bits bespattering the bedroom rugs, gave them a quick wash and hung them on the line. Carefully hoovering the living room, I saw no sign of the missing watch hand. I worked on the journal and enticed Phil with the promise of ice cream in the sun after lunch. Waiting for him outside, I caught up with the elderly neighbour sat reading in the shade. She seemed much better and less befuddled than last time we spoke. We went into town where Phil popped in the convenience store while I collected a Boots order. A couple of damaged items bespattered other purchases and a faff ensued processing the refund. Finally able to get cash, we swerved through the busy square for ice cream cones from the sweet shop. No free space, we crossed to the memorial gardens and found a bench to scoff the rapidly-melting treats before continuing into the park, resplendent with leafy trees, rhododendrons and large red poppies.
4,330 new cases and 12 deaths were recorded but 75% of adults now had 1 dose of vaccine and 50% had 2. The Salesman announced help for school kids to catch up. Additional tuition and an extra year in sixth form amounted to 1/10th of the budget originally slated. He promised more to come but not when. A baffled Tsar Kevan Collins (who I’d never heard of but worked on the plans) resigned, saying the package fell short, was too narrow and betrayed “an undervaluation of the importance of education.” ‘Yeah,’ I thought, ‘that’s cos they’re all toffs who went to posh schools’. Some tories did criticise the pathetic sum including Rob Halfon who said the money could’ve been found behind the sofa and wanted books not tanks. Speaking of which, NATO sec-gen Jens Stollenberg called for the immediate release of Roman Protasevich, an ‘impartial international investigation’ and the sanctions agreed against Belarus to be fully implemented. A 4-day bank holiday weekend was proclaimed in honour of the queen’s platinum jubilee a year hence.
Bedevilled
Welsh Poppies
Duller on Thursday, we spent a dull day at home cleaning and working on laptops. Wanting to store winter jumpers, one really stank and needed a good wash first. I thought it wise to have a siesta after skipping it the day before. However, it was of little use and later, I could barely keep my eyes open or my head up. Developing a sore throat and the scary sensation of being unable to swallow, I took aspirin at bedtime but woke hot and sweaty several times during the night.
As Indian deaths reached 335,102, incidents of the Delta variant rose to 7,000. Bolton and Blackburn were still bedevilled with 3,000 cases. The so-called UK leaders’ Covid summit was in fact a pointless zoom meeting. Sturgeon and Drakeford said there needed to be ‘hard outcomes’. Meanwhile, G7 health ministers met in Oxford to discuss addressing the global vaccine issue and draw up a Pandemic Preparedness Roadmap. The ‘100 day mission’ would be presented to G7 leaders next week. Sarah Gilbert, inventor of AZ, called for them to share vaccines more widely and UNICEF wanted them to donate 20% of doses June-August, saying it could be done without disrupting existing programmes. In changes to the travel traffic lights, no countries were added to the green list, Afghanistan, Bahrain, Costa Rica, Egypt, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Trinidad & Tobago turned red and Portugal went from green to amber. The Cock said it was because of a new Nepal mutant of the Delta variant but the WHO bafflingly claimed there was no such thing. Effective from 8th June, sun-seekers felt betrayed and scrambled for flights back before having to quarantine and take extras tests. Labour cried ‘chaos’, the Portuguese government ‘failed to see the logic’, Antonio Costa railed: “we can’t have a system of instability and change every 3 weeks” and EasyJet chief Johan Lundgren called it “a huge blow…with Portuguese rates similar to those in the UK it simply isn’t justified by the science.”
3-D Pen3 developed by Prof. Noam Sobel of Israel’s Weizmann Institute, identified coronavirus in the nose with 94% accuracy by sniffing out volatile organic compounds. Tim Brexit Martin incredulously proposed new visas for EU workers to fill Wetherspoons vacancies. He denied he had staff shortages or changed his stance on Brexit: “A reasonably liberal immigration system controlled by those we have elected, as distinct from the EU system, would be a plus for the economy and the country.” Phil guffawed and I wondered: “would that be attracting the brightest and best bar staff, Tim? How about paying more than minimum wage?” With 50 days to go, a practice medals Olympic ceremony was held. Tokyo 2020 president Seiko Hashimoto was ‘100% convinced’ the games would go ahead but 80% of Japanese polled wanted them cancelled, 10,000 volunteers quit and 100 areas pulled out of hosting duties.
A QT questioner asked were the government waiting for Marcus Rashford to step in over the paltry £50 per pupil budget for extra tuition? Airhead tory Lucy Frazer blathered about giving laptops to schools and Labour’s Peter Kyle laughingly claimed kids were breaking into schools. He didn’t like the idea of Freedom Day, as 21st June was dubbed, or the amber list. Veteran broadcaster Jenni Murray was scared and confused.
Friday, I was yet again bedevilled by fatigue and sinusitis. Phil also felt unwell but managed to get brekkie . I bathed, stuck a sarong on, fetched coffee and the laptop, and went moodily back to bed to draft and post blogs. Meanwhile, Phil worked downstairs and shopped for weekend supplies, finding a few things missing from the co-op shelves, notably leafy veg (no doubt due to a rash of barbecues). I got a few minutes outdoors to help him hang sheets on the line – a precarious task as we both wobbled, but nice to catch a blast of sun and a glimpse of Welsh Poppies in the garden. Returning to writing, the laptop’s fan went into overdrive so I called a halt before it burst into flames.
Phil interrupted evening film viewing asking for a pen to write down a bafflingly long password. “What is that for?” “ Block chains.” “The devil’s work!” He later assured me he’d only created an account and hadn’t stumped up any actual cash yet (or bitcoins for that matter).
The R rate up to 1-1.12, 11 deaths were recorded and ONS data showed covid cases rose 76.5% 22nd-29th May (the highest since 16th April). Most were in the North West, followed by the East Midlands and South West with slight rises in the West Midlands and London. Up more among over 35’s and 11-16 year olds, James Naismith of Oxford University put it down to 2 factors: the easing of lockdown measures and the Delta variant. Prof. Ferguson warned the figures pointed in a negative direction and the government should be cautious. The Pfizer vaccine was approved for 12-15 year olds and the government asked JCVI to advise on routine vaccination of teens. Trussed-up Liz’s latest trade deals with Iceland, Norway and Liechtenstein, encompassed her beloved cheese, pork, poultry and fish, nurses, lawyers and vets. Did digital documents involve satanic block chains?
Befuddled
Austerity Roast
Saturday morning, I tottered downstairs with a wobbly head and returned to bed to work on blogs. Going to town, Phil discovered it heaving as ever in the blazing heat and an old pub mate about to become a granny. I went back down for lunch but my head drooped. I lay drowsily on the bed. Unable to sleep, I was disturbed when Phil barged in, oblivious to my closed eyes. Annoyed, I turned over and made another futile attempt. After dinner, I managed a longer spell in the living room to watch films and drink delicious but risky red wine. I fell into a coma at night-time only to wake in the early hours.
Befuddled by the wine, we both struggled to come round Sunday morning. Mostly cloudy, the sun came out at 3 and I got more depressed being stuck in bed during nice weather. Finding inspiration from ye olde Bean Book, Phil concocted a ‘wartime roast’. It resembled more of a Sunday dinner than we expected and prompted jokes about austerity cooking and ideas for variations.
On Saturday, much of Scotland moved to level 1, except the central belt which stayed at level 2. 5,341 new case were identified and 4 deaths announced on Sunday. The Cock told Marr the Delta variant was 40% more infectious than the Alpha, making decisions on easing ‘difficult’. But ¾ of cases were in people who hadn’t been vaccinated and those hospitalised recovered more quickly. Infections and in-patients also fell in Bolton. BBC news asked: ‘would we face a wave or a ripple over summer?‘ and said ministers needed ‘every scrap of data’ before the decision in 8 days’ time on whether to forge ahead with the roadmap. Sage bods predicted 2,000 hospitalisations a day by August and Prof. Reicher called it ‘very foolish’ to relax the rules. As under 30’s were offered jabs, queues formed at dawn to save ‘Freedom Day’. I repeat: didn’t they know it took a month to be effective?
“I squarely believe we ought to be trading liberally around the world. If we restrict it to countries with ECHR-level standards of human rights, we’re not going to do many trade deals with the growth markets of the future” (Dominic Raab)
Dodgy Manoeuvres
Haiga – Pentangle
After posting blogs Monday, I read updates from the researcher explaining why she’d been quiet lately. I offered to provide a guest post for her blog and reiterated a willingness to be interviewed. I started drafting the next instalment of the journal when the window cleaner rapped loudly at the door. On sitting back down, we were disturbed again; by texts from our GP surgery, offering more local vaccine appointments. Booking for 2 days hence, I cancelled my slot at the regional centre (not as easy as you’d think) but how did they know I wasn’t double-booked? A trip to the co-op involved dodging loitering teenagers near the entrance and an uncomfortably close hippy. Phil cleaned the living room while I was out. After sorting groceries, I collapsed gratefully on a freshened sofa.
Cases of the SA variant led to surge testing in the London areas of Camberwell, Southwark and Harrow. A suspected link to blood clots found in Norway, the list of countries suspending use of AZ grew to an epidemic from Denmark to Thailand. The WHO, EMA and MHRA all assured us there was no connection. Prof. Pollard said: “if we have no vaccination and we come out of lockdown in this country, we will expect tens of thousands of more deaths…a number of countries around Europe are now seeing an increase in cases.” One year on from the start of the pandemic, MP’s reported the government didn’t act early enough – no shit Sherlock! A record 74 protestors were killed in Myanmar while here, a second demo aimed at The Met took place at Parliament Square but Boris backed Chief Dick. The Crime and Justice Taskforce promised an extra £20m for street lighting and CCTV. The Police Bill* giving more powers to cops to stop protests due in parliament. Labour planned to oppose it for being ‘poorly thought out’ and containing lots on statues and hardly anything on protecting women. Rape cases not tried on merit, the court of appeal defended the ‘bookie’ system.
The EU instigated formal legal action over the UK’s ‘grace period’ decision. As a letter to government complained allowing shops to open before hospitality was unfair, Phil discovered pubs were fully booked from 12th April indoors and 17th May outdoors for up to 10 weeks. Puzzled, I pointed out “by then it will be August and they should all be open anyway, if there aren’t any blocks in the stupid road map. And how do punters know if they’ll need a Covid Pass or not?”
Overnight, I fretted over our pending jabs and possible blood clots. A chat with Phil Tuesday morning dispelled some anxiety. “The EU have blown it totally out of proportion – nowt to do with Brexit!” A couple of days later, the EMA confirmed there was no link between AZ and thrombosis. But the questionably political manoeuvres had already done damage to Europe’s vaccine plans.
A rainy night led to a grey start, becoming warm and sunny later. After a series of morning chores and tedious life admin, I took advantage of the lovely afternoon to clear dead growth from the garden, surrounded by the sounds of tweety birds as flocks of crows flew over. Decorating neighbour wandered up and down the street, complaining of bad parking and his broken down car. “The geese are coming,” he intoned, “I’ve just seen them on the corner.” “They do like having a wander,” I replied, “even the Canada Geese are doing it now.” “Yes, I’ve noticed that. They’re very tasty. I had one in Canada.” “Well, there’s nothing to stop you eating these ones.” As he looked bemused, I assured him it was perfectly legal. The elderly couple embarked on an afternoon stroll, pausing to compare health notes. I informed them Phil was photographing birds at the riverside to add to his current project but he could have stayed home for that. Sweeping up detritus, I thought I’d dodged dog poo but irritatingly got some on my shoes. By the time I’d cleaned it off, I was exhausted and slumped on the sofa.
The Prince and Monty
On the anniversary of the first daily plague briefing, a survey found half the population still didn’t wash their hands after going shopping and disgustingly more bacteria on kettle handles, remote controls and door knobs than on toilets! Despite profit losses, Greggs still planned to open 100 new shops, ‘entering empty spaces with low rent’; I.e., capitalising on the demise of rival high street traders.
An inquest into the actual cause of Sarah Everard’s death would open on Thursday and Wayne Couzens’ court date was set for October. Prince Philip emerged from a month in hospital, resembling Monty Burns from The Simpsons.
A year-long study culminating in the ‘most comprehensive’ (and possibly the most long-windedly titled) defence review since the cold war, was presented in the commons. The ‘Integrated Review of Security, Defence, Development and Foreign Policy’ shifted focus to the Indo-Pacific region as ‘increasingly the geopolitical centre of the world’, muted an increase in nuclear warheads, a cyber force move to the North West (likely the shiny GCHQ building in Manchester) and a counter-terrorism operations centre – asserting the main threats were from Islamist, Northern Irish, far-right, far-left and anarchist terrorists. A lifetime since the Angry Brigades, I wondered did they mean the anti-5g-ers? I knew no anarchists who bought into that nonsense but thinking back to my youth, there were conspiracy-theorists in the mix who ironically failed to grasp the basic concept of the capitalist conspiracy.
Lightning Speed
Narcissi
I set the alarm for 8.00 a.m. Wednesday but woke at 8.20 to the drone of canal work. The radio volume too low, I was glad of the interminable workmen for once! We left the house in good time and laughed at temperamental geese on the church lawn behind the bus-stop. In the next town, we scooted round the market and scoffed pasties from the bakers stall. 2 people loitered outside a locked health centre. Nipping in Boots for emergency mouthwash, I waited ages to be served as the staff were all gassing. Coming out, I found an actual queue. Phil in the middle of the carpark on his phone, hadn’t saved a place. It took a couple of minutes for people to cotton on when the centre’s doors opened at 1 o’clock, but the process soon sped up. Our appointments a ½ hour apart, reception let us proceed together, to wait on adjacent coloured lines. In the small room, an HCA checked my details until the doctor arrived. I told her I was unnerved by the blood clot scare. She mouthed platitudes, fired out some questions then snapped: “are you having it or what?” “Well, I’m here now.” After the lightning-quick injection, I followed lines to the back door, waiting in a patch of sun while Phil donned his layers. “I feel odd,” he said, “but it might be psychological.” “Me too.” I remarked: “the injection is so speedy you could jab people without them knowing. And the needle is too tiny for a chip.” He giggled at the idea of going round stabbing hippies. “The latest claim is it contains water.” “What’s the point of that?” “To kill gammons.” “Thousands would be dead already if that was true.” In Lidl, Phil started to feel worse so we headed over to the bus-stop. I was thankful for my face-covering on the bus where a mask-less, reeking man dropped his butty on the floor, picked it up and ate it – ugh!
Shopping sorted, we had a cuppa and sugary snack to make up for lack of a lolly (or sticker, for that matter). Dozing on the sofa, I was unsure if the fatigue was a side-effect of AZ or from the trip which would tire me anyway. Cleaning the bathroom, I discovered the back window covered in black mould, only a year since I decorated! Phil struggled to eat dinner, feeling nauseous and spaced out. I said “it’s a common side effect to have a touch of the flu.” Although it was only the first dose and would be a while until protection kicked in, I felt psychologically better but the jabbed arm ached at bed-time. I took ibuprofen and shifted around to prevent putting pressure on it.
Our efforts added to a total of 25m inoculations to date. Rabid Raab gave the plague briefing to warn of reduced supplies until the end April and no new appointments after 31st March. Phil worried we wouldn’t get our second one. “I’m sure they’ll have factored that in.” Adolf Von De Leyen again threatened to block exports to countries with higher coverage rates than the EU, i.e., the UK. Hazarding that may be the cause of the shortage, the official line was a batch ordered from an AZ factory in India wasn’t coming. The Scumbag appeared before the S&T committee to claim the mess at the start of the pandemic was because DHSC was a ‘smoking ruin’. He took credit for the vaccine success as along with Prof. Valance, he’d urged Boris to take it out of the hands of civil servants (whom he hated) and set up a separate Taskforce. All hail Dominic! (sic). Downing Street defended the DHSC for establishing ‘one of the biggest diagnostic networks in UK history’ and procurement efforts. It was hard to determine who told the worst whoppers. Referring to Aria (Advanced Research and Invention Agency) with a £800m budget to invest in ‘high risk, high reward’ projects, The Scumbag said it needed ‘extreme freedom’ to act with no ‘horrific bureaucracy’ of procurement or Treasury rules. Not to mention it would mean his mates could get more dosh! Nasty Patel’s proposal to send asylum seekers awaiting a decision offshore was branded heartless and inhumane. Processing centres muted on the IOM, IOW and Gibraltar, they said no way, but allegedly Turkey agreed to it. Liverpudlians celebrated St. Patricks Day with an illegal bash in Sefton Park.
Although recording misogyny as a hate crime was a welcome move, the £45m for Project Vigilante to keep women safe in bars was derided by Jess Philips as cops ‘in skinny jeans’ Reclaim These Streets said it didn’t tackle ‘institutional problems of misogyny and racism’. While the European Commission discussed their Covid pass, P&O would require confirmation of 2 jabs from patrons. Sailing round the UK coast with no ports of call, it really was a Brexit Island cruise! They could at least make stops at interesting docks like Goole and Tilbury. Uber announced all employees would get the minimum wage, holiday pay and pensions. Mick Rix, GMB said it: “…opens the door for…better pay and conditions at companies across the gig economy.” But the TUC wanted it to go further; without full employment rights, there wasn’t parity.
Waking at 8 on Thursday, I railed ‘why didn’t that happen yesterday?’ I completed the 2021 census on-line. Postponed in Scotland until 2022, it seemed an odd time to do it. Allegedly used to plan public services, with everyone working at home, they’d probably conclude we didn’t need any. Prof. Danny Dorling of Oxford University said it would show up inequalities made stark by the pandemic. After lunch, I went to the co-op and managed not to get stressed despite half-empty shelves and screeching kids. On the way back I came across German Friend hoovering her car and stopped to chat. Vaccinated last week, she also suffered an achy arm. Classed vulnerable, she’d indignantly rang the GP to complain of not having it sooner and to get a local appointment. She told me a mutual friend was doing well a year after a serious operation and the friend’s daughter enjoyed her new job as assistant manager at a new supermarket in the next town. Telling me she met up with a couple of pub mates weekly, I took a breath before asking “are you a bubble?” “Sort of. Well, we’re all elderly.” “Piss off! You’re the same age as me!” We shared gripes on the travails in Europe affecting relatives, coffee-cuppers, conspiracy-theorists and tourists infesting the place. Taking my leave, shed boy and lass hovered on their doorstep. I gave them a wide berth. Still ailing, Phil took an extended siesta but had more of an appetite at dinner.
2 days previously, Huff post reported on a leaked q&a session with FCDO staff, wherein Rabid Raab suggested trade deals were more important than human rights (see quote above). Lisa Nandy said “it is the latest example of a government entirely devoid of a moral compass and riddled with inconsistency; happy to say one thing in public and another behind closed doors” In the commons, Rees-Moggy claimed the comments had been “shockingly distorted by low-quality journalism.” Huff Post called it a blatant use of parliamentary privilege, defaming the journalist who was unable to sue.
No stranger to libel cases, Ian Hislop said on QT that the EU’s stance on vaccine nationalism was ‘embarrassing’ for remainers like him and Jess Philips was flummoxed by actions that endangered their own people. On tackling violence against women, Minister for Safeguarding Thicky Atkins recited a list of crappy measures to which Jess Philips replied you couldn’t just have one meeting and say it was sorted, and she could have told them what to do 10 years ago. Hislop observed we’d never again believe it when the government told us there’s no money: “why can’t we have it all?” Discussing the defence review, Ian and Jess found it a strange time to increase stockpiles of WMD when the biggest threat was cyber. As a Scot living near Faslane, Kirsten Oswald, SNP, was not happy. Thicky Atkins hilariously replied hi-tech work also took place but we didn’t know about the cyber force because they ‘work in secret.’ Splutter!
Monochrome Walk
Down the Street
Doing exercises Friday morning I skipped those with too much arm movement. Phil still experienced flu-like symptoms but bravely soldiered on. I spent the morning on the computer and headed to town in the afternoon. Stopping on the steps to take photos of daffodils, I checked nobody was coming up but didn’t spot a woman patiently wating at the bottom. I apologised but she assured me it was no bother. Hurrying down to the junction, a couple rounding the corner looked like they were about to speak to me. I hesitated not wanting to get close, when they indicated carrier bags I’d dropped in my haste. Across the road, a crocodile of small kids streamed out of school. In Boots to collect an order, I swerved a meandering couple and retreated to the windowfront to decant the delivery. A member of staff helpfully took the box away for me. I rushed through a busy square and detoured across the less-populous old bridge to find dinky narcissi nestled at the bottom of a stone wall. Trying to rest later, shed boy annoyingly conversed loudly outside for a full 10 minutes before getting in his car. In the evening, I had a funny turn. Sudden pains and a hot arm sent me into a panic. I told myself it was a hot flush, then felt really spacey. As my heart rate increased, I tried to calm down with steady breathing. Phil assured me I’d be fine. I was, but still perturbed, I speculated on anti-bodies kicking in.
In the midst of a third wave, European countries went into lockdown including Poland and Italy, but some re-started use of AZ, including French PM Jean Castex. Prof. Pollard called it: “…reassuring…we’re not really in a battle with each other or the vaccine, we’re battling a ruthless killer that within the European Union has killed 6000,000 people in the past year.” Excess deaths among over 65’s up 7.7% in 2020, the UK was second only to Bulgaria. PHE research found travel corridors were to blame for rate rises late summer. Prof. Ferguson said the SA variant needed to be kept at bay and would be the focus of modified vaccines next winter while Oliver Dowdy hinted at Covid Passes for events with big crowds such as the FA cup final.
Saturday marked the spring solstice but was cold and grey. I cooked and attempted another creation in Photoshop. Phil went to the shop, to see the contents of the hippy co-op pub drinking tinnies on the riverside among the coffee-cuppers. He also came across an old friend, looking healthy since losing a lot of weight. She’d also had the vaccine but was hesitant about attending the local club’s re-opening night in May. “I don’t blame her. I might never go there again!””
26m, half the adult UK population, now had one dose of vaccine. Amidst ‘legal uncertainty’ creating a fiasco at the Sarah Everard vigil, 60 MPs wrote a letter about the right to protest. The government insisted it was illegal but would be allowed from 29th March as ‘small gatherings’. Mike Tildsley warned foreign summer holidays were still unlikely as Grant Shats told us they’d decide at a Global Travel Taskforce in April.
We consulted world maps to locate the highest number of vaccinations (Israel, UEA, UK, Serbia, with the USA catching up) and the lowest infection rates (NZ, Australia, and most dot islands apart from the Virgin Islands – remember that?) Commercial breaks full of holiday ads, I said “for Australia fair enough, but Turkey!!! Rates are going up and only yesterday, we were told going there this summer is unlikely. Jet2 and Turkish Airlines should be banned for encouraging and misleading people.”
Starting bright, Sunday soon reverted to grey. In need of fresh air, we walked west on the renewed towpath to the basin. My attempts to emulate Phil’s geese portraits were hit and miss but I got a few decent shots of flowers, reflections, barge features and small streets. A sheep’s head adorned by a pentagram inspired my next haigai while a monochrome terrace got a record number of likes on Instagram. Returning partly on roadway, I popped in the co-op where my mate at the kiosk whinged about ‘bloody tourists’.
On the Marr, Defence Sec Ben Wally said he hadn’t booked a holiday this year. He wouldn’t comment much on the defence ‘command paper’ before publication but claimed people voted for an increase in nuclear warheads. Err, no we didn’t! Asked about a surveillance ship being built to protect undersea cables, we speculated they could be used to find mines dumped in the sea after WW2, before building the bridge to Northern Ireland.
A peaceful Kill the Bill demo in Bristol turned violent. Cop shops were besieged, vans set alight, 20 bobbies injured and 7 protestors arrested. Nasty Patel called it “Thuggery” while the mayor said it didn’t represent the city.
“I smile in the morning. I live without a care. Nothing is denied me. And nothing ever hurts” ((Iggy Pop)
Walk Like A Penguin
Haiga – Frigid
Sinusitis and depression dragging on, I stayed abed during the week, managing spells downstairs for food and to watch the big telly. Most of the time, I wrote and posted blogs, wrestled with Photoshop, read and rested. Monday afternoon, I lay down with a novel pain in my temples and slept for half an hour, making me woozy and disorientated in the gloaming. While Phil cooked omelette for dinner, I logged on to Ocado. There were absolutely no delivery slots at all, into the foreseeable. Yet they persisted in sending interminable e-mails telling me to buy stuff. I would if I could, you idiots!
Boris went to Batley and hinted at a gradual easing of lockdown in time for summer hols, while Cock briefed us on the SA variant circulating in specific communities. Urgent door-to-door testing commenced in Hanwell, Tottenham, Mitcham (all London), Walsall (West Mids.), Broxbourne (South Herts), Maidstone (Kent), Woking (Surrey), and Southport (Merseyside).
Still ill Tuesday, the irony of it being Groundhog Day wasn’t lost on me. Also Candlemas, I hoped the proponents of medieval custom had finally taken down their Christmas decorations. Proper snow fell overnight. Despite the cold, I opened the window to take photos of the magical scene. The laptop stubbornly refused to read the camera’s SD card. Hearing me swear, Phil took it out without checking programmes, the laptop crashed. I got annoyed and ranted until he let me restart the machine. This worked, but took an age to reboot. Much later, I stitched a panorama and shared a snap of a fat snowperson that kids had built on the street below, then turned to writing. He left me in peace to go for a walk. However, he didn’t get very far as drizzle melted ground-lying snow into a slushy mess. “Everyone’s walking round like penguins in treacle. You’re better off looking at it from here.” Settling down for an afternoon snooze, I had a sneezing fit, followed by a niggly nose and a headache. Pissed off that I felt worse again, I gave up and played puzzles.
National hero Sir Captain Tom Moore died after being in hospital with Covid since Sunday. Not vaccinated due to pneumonia, he’d visited Barbados for Christmas thanks to a free BA flight – was that the cause?
Latest AstraZeneca tests discovered their vaccine might reduce transmission of coronavirus as well as severe illness. The E484K mutation was found in the Kent, Brazil and SA variants. Bristol and Liverpool were added to areas for door-to-door testing. Uni Minister Michelle Ding-dong told locals to stay home all the time, exercise indoors and asked, ‘do you really need to go to the shops?’ You do if you can’t get an Ocado slot, you moron! Sage bod Andy Hayward said we needed a ‘sustainable strategy’ for dealing with future mutants but didn’t suggest what.
China Arse Test
Yorkshire schools and vax centres were shut due to snow. Peter Keely (PHE for Yorks & Humber), said 2,0011 cases per 100,00 as opposed to 2,080 nationally proved lockdown and immunisation were working.
In Israel, huge funerals prompted accusations of not being touch enough as infections and deaths still rose despite the mass vax prog. Following the introduction of virus arse tests in China accompanied by graphic instructions, a spoof video of people walking like penguins went viral.
Elon Musk’s Neuralink put a chip in a monkey so it could play video games. He really was like an evil cartoon villain!
By Wednesday morning, half the snow had gone, overtaken by cold drizzle. The day sped past with me writing and Phil doing his ‘tiny work’. PMQs began with a minute’s silence for Captain Tom. The Bumbler asked us to join in a clap for him that evening, but I heard no applause. He lauded the Valneva vaccine and made no apology to Ian Blackford for going to Scotland last week, even though a Covid outbreak at the Livingstone factory a day before his visit was confirmed. Keir diverted from Corona questions to ask about cladding; 3.5 years since the Grenfell tragedy, 700,000 people still lived in dangerous tower blocks at an astronomical cost.
Late afternoon, Phil went to the coop, returning with the wrong coffee again – they really should make the decaff pack more distinctive for the partially sighted. Meanwhile, I tried to do some budgeting but it made my head fuggy. On a second attempt the next day, I realised all the money in my cash ISA had been used by the bank to pay fees- thieving bastards! I was not relishing the predicted return of Austerity Britain after the Covid crisis, when benefits would most likely be hit first. Meanwhile, Phil’s gig economy earnings hit a record high due to answering all those questions on why Shitterstock wasn’t working!
Afternoon rest irritatingly disturbed by the sound of chainsaws ricocheting across the valley, I wondered which trees were getting the chop this time? After coffee, I revived enough to enjoy dinner and Prime viewing downstairs. I retired to watch the news and highlights of the Leeds United match. Phil complained it was rubbish because they lost, but: “at least there were goals.” Laughing, I observed: “the pundits agree. They called it ‘a typical Leeds game’ (attack, attack, attack!)” “Yep, they’ve really shaken things up haven’t they?”
It’s Great Being A Tory
Snowperson Hanging On
With 10m inoculations, Chief Med bod Chris Witless briefed we were ‘past the peak’ but the infection rate was still high. Mini Macron reiterated the view that the AZ vaccine was ‘quasi-ineffective’ on the over 65’s, to criticism from Number 10 aides for spreading disinformation. He admitted the success of the Chinese was ‘humiliating’ for Europe and it seemed the EU might approve their Sinovac and the Russian Sputnik V (proven to be 91% effective). With evidence the AZ jab reduced transmission, sage Prof. Andrew Pollard of the Oxford Vaccination Group promised new ones to fight future variants by autumn. Dr. Chris Smith from Cambridge Uni informed Daily Politics that similar mutations in different strains was due to the virus ‘optimising changes’ and said the vaccines’ suppression so far was ‘reassuring’ but didn’t mean they would continue to be so.
Jab n Go
Ryanair’s jab n go ads were banned by the ASA as misleading and irresponsible.
Dildo Harding told the Commons Science & Technology Committee that 20,000 out of 100,00 TIT contacts a day failed to self-isolate. Jeremy C**t said there was a ‘gaping hole’ in financial support, and shadow minister Justin Madder pressed the government to do something about it.
The Dildo also claimed no-one could have foreseen mutations, to bemused raised eyebrows.
Alexei Navalny was given 2.5 years in jail for breaching Russian parole when in a German hospital recovering from novichok poisoning administered by Russians. A military coup in Myanmar put Aung San Suu Kyi under house arrest – the charge of possessing illegal walkie-talkies a blatant ruse to criminalise her and render her ineligible to be leader.
The snow almost all melted Thursday,the snowperson in the street below still hung on as nasty damp fog hung in the valley. Expecting Dr. Xand on Morning Live to talk about new symptoms associated with variants including a headache and runny nose, he gave sketchy details. I fretted about having Covid. But after chatting to Phil, I became less concerned and we turned to discussing the idiocy of thickie Dildo saying mutations couldn’t be foreseen. “She only knows about horses.” “So why is she in that job?” “It’s great being a tory, as Iggy Pop observed.” With me still bedridden, I sent Phil to the market for fresh fish and toiletries including bog roll. Not our usual brand, at least they had some. In the post-shop cleansing, even I thought washing binbags went a tad too far! The tree-felling racket returned during the afternoon, putting paid to any proper rest. Why did they always start up so late in the day?
New figures showed 1:7 Brits had coronavirus, 1:5 in London. Trials on using different brands for 1st and 2nd shots started – genius or Frankenstein science? Tin-foiler Piers Corbyn was arrested for distributing leaflets of his own design comparing the vaccination rollout to Auschwitz. Good grief!
With dither over quarantine for ‘red list’ countries, Oliver Dowdy refused to confirm the reported date of 15th Feb. Rob Paterson of Best Western criticised the delay, saying he’d be out of a job if he announced a strategy with no plan. As NI ructions rumbled all week, incendiary graffiti and attacks on border staff created concern. Stark contrasts between the DUP and Sinn Fein views threatened the peace. The UK government asked the EU to intervene but what were they meant to do? Boris agreed to the stupid deal! The Black Farmer on QT sensibly said the decision on whether to be inoculated was down to ‘hope or fear’. But he sounded stupid when he confessed to voting for Brexit and didn’t regret it even with personal experience of importing issues and parroted the government’s daft ‘niggles’ argument. German VC Olaf Sloshed called Ursula’s inoculation procurement strategy ‘a disgrace’ saying she did “a really shit job…(we mustn’t) let this shit repeat itself.” While Casa Cruz was saved from closure as a ‘community asset’, Rita Ora jetted off to Australia for The Voice. If only the selfish cow was flying to a red list country! As Santander’s profit drop led to planned branch and staff losses, Andrew Bailey of BoE forecast the economy to ‘bounce back’ in the 3rd quarter of 2021 due to vaccines and holiday spending. He obviously hadn’t spoken to Shatts! Demanding the release of Suu Kyi, Rabid Raab said: “we condemn the detention and charges…(and) consulting with international partners on next steps.” UN SG Antonio Gueterres vowed they would do all they could “to mobilise the international community to put enough pressure on… (so) the coup failed.”
The Sound of Mucous
Snowy Panorama
The outside world looked fuzzy with fog Friday morning. Woken by noisy traffic at 6.50, I struggled to get back to sleep. Sinus symptoms abated except the interminable phlegm, allying plague fears, but I remained extremely fatigued and achy. Phil’s back issue flared up again. I thought it might be because I made him go to the market the previous day but he dismissed the idea. “The bags weren’t heavy.” “That’s not the point. It’s carrying rucksacks.” While he soaked in a radox bath and rallied for the customary trip to buy weekend wine, I started work on another secret Photoshop collage. The Metro evening edition featured a video of the oldest fruit bat in the world. Aged 32, it had 1 eye, frayed wings and was spoilt rotten!
The R rate now 0.7-1.0, Boris promised a ‘precise timeline’ on lifting lockdown in the road map due 15th Feb. The Cock pledged the top 9 priority groups encompassing the over 50’s would be immunised by May which equated to almost half the population. Some moaned of moving goalposts and Jeremy Vine discussed the criteria. When everyone was inoculated? A swivel-head rang in to say just take vitamins. Dr. Sarah was not impressed. More trials of the AZ vaccine found it may reduce transmission and was effective on the Kent virus. Prof. Pollard said data: “indicate that (it) not only protects against the original pandemic virus but also protects against the novel variant B117, which caused the surge…(at) the end of 2020 across the UK.” Possibly only providing limited protection against mild illness from the SA strain, it did protect against severe sickness. Scientists promised a modified version by autumn. The government hedged their bets, doing a deal with German pharma Curevac for adaptations.
The actor Christopher Plummer died, aged 91. His famous quote about the beloved film he was most known for but hated, ‘The Sound of Mucous’, felt appropriate as I disgorged another pile of phlegm.
Vastly improved on Saturday, I managed a whole day out of bed. Humungous drops of rain, sometimes sleety, fell out of the sky, a bit like my snot. We stayed in watching telly films. Still suffering from backache, Phil rested in bed early evening while I cooked curry. The tikka paste which I made from scratch for the first time ever, was jolly good if I say so myself, but the grinding made my back ache, albeit not as bad as his. That night, I tossed and turned for hours, only sleeping in snatches. Waking to find sheets rolled into a ball, I gave up, opened the curtains, almost fell over and lay back down. Phil had a similar experience, barely sleeping due to pain.
Both achy and knackered, Sunday started badly. We observed miniscule snowflakes floating past the window. Dying for some fresh air after being housebound so long, it was icily cold so we stayed indoors. I worked on collages and blogs.
He took Solpadol for his back pain and turned silly. “You’ve been on them happy pixie pills haven’t you?” I admonished tongue-in-cheek. He just giggled. It was nice to see him laugh through the pain!
Shots per minute reached 1,000 for an hour on Saturday leading to a total of 12m. Ageing rocker Shakin’ Stevens was seen getting his.
Richard Burnett of RHA* said exports slumped 68% in January due to Brexit red tape and trucks returned to Europe empty. The government, dismissive as ever, insisted everything was great. 5 unrelated stabbings in Croydon made a total of 13 in London over the weekend, 2 of them fatal. A bigger tragedy unfolded in Uttarakhand, Northern India where a glacier slid into a dam. Dozens were missing or dead including 50 dam workers.
“There’s no endgame that sees one country succeeding in controlling the virus while the rest of the world is dealing with rampant spread” (Salim Abdool Karim)
Peaky Jabbers
Haiga – Sinking
Exhausted by insomnia Monday morning, I forced myself up and opened the curtains to a sparkling scene of a thin coat of snow and dazzling sun. Briefly forgetting my woes, I said we should go for a walk, after the essential tasks.
Taking rubbish out, an icy wind blew into my face. I decided it was too cold for walking. The window cleaner’s hose was wrapped round our dustbin to stop people tripping on the steps. As he emerged from the higher terrace opposite, we chatted awhile. A load of crap dumped in the bin required fishing out with biodegrading rubber gloves and a stick, risking frostbite or worse. By the time I’d cleaned up after the horrid job, it was 2 o’clock and my previous enthusiasm was overtaken by malaise. Outdoor plans scrapped, I worked on the journal and aimed to do yoga but time ran away with me again. It was one of those days…
32 new vaccine sites included The Black Country Living Museum used as a film set for Peaky Blinders. “Peaky Jabbers!” I quipped, though the chances of Cillian Murphy turning up were slim. ONS figures showed that during 2020, manual workers suffered the most deaths from Covid-19, especially in production, security, chefs, and drivers (men), retail & wholesale, carers and social workers (women). The TUC said workplace fatalities were ‘vastly unreported’. The RMT, headteachers, prisons, posties and shopworkers clamoured to be prioritised for immunisation. The Covid Operations Committee, aka COC, met to decide on tighter border controls and quarantine hotels.
Ever the populist, a day after Matt Cock said it was too early, Boris hinted at easing lockdown after vulnerable groups were inoculated. Mark Harper of CRG called for slackening by early March, starting with schools. Already sick to death of media coverage on the impact of school closures, teenagers on Newsnight moaning that it was ‘weally hard’ wore down my sympathy for the younger generation. As if not attending class was the worst thing ever with hospitals full and people dying!
The last 12,000 jobs at Debenhams would go as Boohoo were buying the brand and website but not the shops. Later acquiring Dorothy Perkins, Wallis and Burtons, and Asos about to purchase Topshop, Topman, Miss Selfridge and HIT, it could be the end of Arcadia on the hight street, apart from possibly the flagship Oxford Street Topshop store.
NGS-SA, a consortium of medics looking into the South African variant, found 23 mutations, of which 20 caused amino acid changes and 8 were in the spike protein. These allowed greater transmission and replication in the host, leading to quicker spread. With some evidence of more resistance to natural antibodies, they said it was ‘likely’ vaccines would still work, subject to further research.
Tuesday proved even worse than Monday. In the damp monochrome afternoon, I set off for Boots. A woman crouched down to finger practically every item on the shelf, selfishly blocking the aisle, until I politely asked her to shift for me to grab mouthwash. I collected my online order from the cash-desk and retreated to decant items from the unwieldy box into my rucksack. Vials spilled out of a hair dye carton, hazardously undone. Now in a bad mood, I considered skipping the grocery shop but persevered. Kids running haphazardly in the congested co-op aisles made me swear. Swerving contact, I sped round for essentials but paused when I saw a product recall notice for seafood we got at Christmas, making a note to return it. At the kiosk I asked to speak to a manager. When he appeared, I explained my angst at the busyness of the shopfloor. Rather than an apology for the stress caused let alone any thanks for bringing the matter to his attention, he defensively said: “we can’t watch the floor all the time.” Fuming, I stormed out. Back home, I took toiletries up to the bathroom, got washed and collapsed on the sofa. Relating the obstacle course to Phil, he said: “it’s those essential coffee-cup worker kids coming out of school, obvs.” “Yes but why did they have someone on the door during the first lockdown to limit numbers and not now? And why do those middle class coffee-cuppers still think they are special?” It made me think again about the hubris of some, when everyone was in the same boat (apart from celebs). He kindly sorted the groceries so I could go for a rest, but my mind whirred, still perturbed by the shopping experience. And while there were less comings and goings on the street below, I was disturbed when shed boy returned in his rickety van from no-doubt essential building work (sic). Reflecting on the trials of the past 2 days, I reasoned at least the errands were done leaving time to do something more enjoyable midweek. In the evening, a fine fog swirled smoke-like beneath the streetlamps.
Dicing with Death
Sorry My Arse!
UK official deaths doubled in 2 months to reach the grim milestone of 100,000, a 3rd of them care home residents. The highest in Europe, only the US, Brazil, India and Mexico had worse stats. Sage bod Calum Semple predicted another 50k fatalities before the pandemic ‘burns out’. Keir, self-isolating for a third time, called it a ‘national tragedy’ and trolled out the old ‘behind the curve at every stage’ line. Appearing at the briefing, The Bumbler apologised and said he took full responsibility – sorry my arse! And to think that on this date in 2020, positive tests numbered 50. Oh, halcyon days! On a more positive note, over 7m now had the vax and hospital admissions were the lowest since New Year, but there were still more in-patients on ventilators than ever.
200,000 job losses Sept-Nov 2020 led to a 5-year unemployment record of 5% (1.72m). It would have been much worse without furlough, currently supporting 2.4m posts, down from the May peak of 8.9m, when firms shed staff before it was extended. Business leaders urged a re-extension of the scheme in Rishi’s March budget.
Rising on Wednesday, I immediately felt wobbly with a clogged nose and had to get back in bed. Pissed off after only 3 days up and about and reluctant to submit to a relapse, my depression reached a new low. I told myself I wasn’t missing much as the weather stayed grey, belying the forecast for an improvement. I hoped the debilitation would be short-lived this time but alas, it proved not to be. While I wrote on the laptop, Phil cleaned and shopped.
A week after escaping the floods, the Wockhardt factory was evacuated after a suspicious package required the deployment of bomb disposal. A Chatham man later arrested for sending the parcel, we weren’t told if it was actually a bomb. The Bumbler briefed the nation that 8th March was the earliest date for school re-opening and promised a plan to come out of lockdown week beginning 22nd Feb, dependent on vaccine progress, hospital admissions and fatalities. Patel finally said going on holiday was illegal and berated social media influencers sun-bathing in Dubai and skiers heading for Kings Cross. Travellers from certain countries would be bussed to Covid hotels, paying £1,500 for 10 days quarantine. The ‘red list’ due to come into force next Friday, included South America, Southern Africa, Portugal, UAE and some dot islands. Best Western’s UK CEO Rob Paterson said the chain could quickly sweep into action, but later expressed dismay at the lack of firm plans. Was he that rare animal – a businessman who wasn’t in league with the tories?
A virtual Keir appeared at PMQs to repeat’ slow, slow, slow’. He asked: why was the UK death toll the highest in Europe? why did quarantine only apply to certain countries? and why weren’t all inbound travellers tested and quarantined immediately? Keir slapped down an evasive Boris for trolling out the worn-out insults, said he had ‘no plan’ and pleaded for the urgent inoculation of keyworkers. This time able to ask both questions, Ian Blackford berated Boris for not ‘following the science’ as he claimed and called for financial certainty on furlough and UC: “stop the dithering and delays!” Des Swayne MP (not seen on the green benches) told an anti-lockdown group that stats on the virus “appear to have been manipulated.” Scolded by the tory chair, Angela Rayner demanded stronger action.
After a week of anti-curfew rioting in the Netherlands, businesses were boarded up and at least 180 arrested. Fires were lit in the streets of Amsterdam and Den Hague. No surprise to me, having previously experienced hair-raising New Year trips! One of their favourite pastimes seemed to be setting fire to cars. Pfizer found their vaccine effective against the SA variant while Moderna developed a booster for theirs. Chair of the SA coronavirus advisory panel, Salim Abdool Karim said: “no-one is safe until everyone is safe…There’s no endgame that sees one country succeeding in controlling the virus while the rest of the world is dealing with rampant spread…we all need to stand together.” Prof. Tulio De Oliviera, the scientist who discovered the variant added that travel restrictions were futile: “I find it almost silly…trying to block a country, because we know how fast this virus spreads and in how many places.” He called on governments to avoid ‘virus nationalism’ and apply broad quarantine rules to all international travellers.
A good night’s sleep aside, I still felt ill on Thursday. I spent all day in bed writing my novel and collaging. Phil spent all day on the phone telling people Shutterstock wasn’t working. The problem persisting into the following week, at least it was earning the dollars.
Paperchase
Euphoria Salon Escapees
In the face of criticism on slow rollout and angry at Astra-Zeneca limiting supplies to the EU, the European Commission had threatened vaccine controls. Nads Zahawi played down fears imports of Pfizer would be blocked, saying 367m were on order from different sources. EU health commissioner Stella Keryakides said: “we reject the notion of first come first served.” Set to approve the AZ vax Friday, Germans found ‘insufficient data’ of effectiveness on the over 65’s. Nads dismissed the claims. AZ boss Pascal Soriot advised the UK was doing right delaying the second jab 12 weeks and bragged that all over 50’s would be immunised by the end of February. Wading into the kerfuffle, Sturgeon threatened to give supply figures to Europe (already available in the form of ‘spin’). She also criticised Boris for visiting the Valneva lab in Livingston north of the border, maker of yet another vaccine. Meanwhile, Novavax planned to make 60m doses in Teesside. Almost 90% effective on the Kent virus and 60% on the SA variant, it was set to be the 4th vaccine to gain approval.
With an upward trend since Christmas week, police had so far issued 42,000 fines, 80% to 18-39 year olds and 250 for mass gatherings including 2 organisers of the Woodhouse Moor snowball fight. “Why no fines for Londoners sledging on Primrose Hill?” I asked. “Because they weren’t Leeds chavs,” replied Phil. “We were told it was students.” “I doubt it. Not dressed like that.” Clients escaped from a police raid via the fire exit from the Euphoria salon in Cwmbran. The owner was fined £1k, Casa Cruz got a £5k fine for Rita Ora’s birthday bash but she escaped sanctions herself. The disproportionality was striking.
The issue of ‘vaccine nationalism’ discussed on QT, we were reminded of the EU land border on the island of Ireland. Was there actually a good side to Brexit? “I’ve always said the EU is just a giant pile of coffee-cuppers,” declared Phil. The problems of getting a bunch of nations to agree manifest, maybe the UK government was right to appoint a venture capitalist to head up a taskforce, thus delegating the job to a non-politician.
And oft-derided investors saved the Paperchase chain, including many of the chain’s high street shops.
On a nondescript Friday, I initially felt better after a good sleep, but my sinus symptoms soon returned. Resigned to bedrest, I continued work on the secret collage, wishing I’d never started, or used paper rather than Photoshop. It was so fiddly cutting round those pixels! Phil went to the co-op for a ‘freezer filler’ of pizza and garlic bread. Again, we didn’t drink too much wine while watching films but overnight, I had two dreams like movie plots. The first resembled a crap cheap sci-fi with Mars cop robots. The second featured WW1 soldiers as sooty ghosts. Relating them to Phil, I complained: “we watch too many sci-fi and war films”. “It’s good for your imagination,” he countered, “WW1 gets in your head.” We thought there might be some mileage in the latter idea.
1 year since the first UK case of coronavirus arose in York, paper books chosen for genre or colour rather than content, sold ‘by the yard’ to fill shelves in zoom backgrounds. The Janssen vaccine showed 60% effectiveness after 1 dose, including on the SA variant. Prof. Paul Heath, leader of the Novavax trial, said the technology existed to deal with new strains with the possibility of ‘bivalent’ vaccines. The EMU approved the Astra-Zeneca vax for all adults, despite German claims of ineffectiveness on OAPs. Aiming to stop exports from Europe until the end of March, Brussels introduced more paperwork in the form of a ‘vaccine export transparency mechanism’ and planned to invoke Article 16 to stop product crossing from ROI to NI. After condemnation from London, Belfast and Dublin for breaking the Brexit agreement, it was hastily withdrawn. Arlene Foster called it “an incredible act of hostility.” Playing silly beggars, more like!
Over the weekend, I stayed mainly in bed spending far too long on the collage, making my head ache but I eventually finished it. Brighter on Sunday, we remarked on the noticeable change in light over the last few days, even when grey. Phil visited the nearby clough to report it totally sodden. Poaching overripe pears for dessert made my back ache and my mood plummet. Cheered by the tasty fruit and ice cream, I sat up to watch telly after dinner but had a mediocre sleep.
A record 600k jabs on Saturday brought the total to 9 million. Discussing overstocks going to less fortunate countries, shadow minister Rachel Reeves said the UK should inoculate its own vulnerable people first – very socialist, I’m sure! Her erstwhile boss Tony Blair waded into the paperwork row, admonishing the EU for being ‘foolish’. Macron defied speculation on another lockdown, shutting France’s shopping malls and non-EU borders instead. Across Russia, protests in support of Alexei Navalny involved dancing on ice and brandishing golden bog brushes – a reference to the Black Sea mansion allegedly owned by Putin. Liz Truss negotiated to join the Comprehensive & progressive Trans-Pacific Partnership (C&PT-PP). Emily Thornberry wondered why the country spent over 4 years leaving one trading bloc to join another. Fun and games!
The Corvus Diaries 