“As one consultant cardiologist said to me this is the biggest crime against humanity since the holocaust” (Andrew Bridgen)
What Happened on Dartmoor
Three years since the start of the pandemic, conspiracy theories of all kinds continued. In January, MP Andrew Bridgen had the tory whip withdrawn after comparing vaccination to the holocaust. Early June, he voted against Margaret Ferrier’s 30-day Commons suspension for breaking coronavirus rules September 2020. I wondered what took so long and what about Boris and Rishi who were fined for flouting the laws they wrote? In court, The Cock alleged anti-vaxxer Geza Tarjanyi shouted ‘ridiculous conspiracy theories’ and shoulder-barged him during protests on 19th and 24th January, while northern nutters Christine Grayson and Darren Reynolds were convicted of conspiracy (in the other sense of the word) to destroy 5G masts which they said were ‘enemy infrastructure’.
Elsewhere, Tesco struck a deal with Newfoundland, launched to distribute LFT’s, to stock tests for a range of health conditions such as vitamin deficiency, the menopause and bowel cancer. All free on the NHS alongside appropriate medical advice, it smacked of a money-making conspiracy.
On a personal note, I attended a Covid Diary Research Project workshop late February. A welcome opportunity to meet other participants and share experiences, the prospect of ‘doing a work’ for 3 hours was daunting. I took advantage of living close to the venue to arrive early and speak to The Researcher and associates who gave kind reassurance. Of other attendees, The Poet was the one familiar face but there was much common ground among the group.
We perused already-published books on life under lockdown. A mixed bag, we discussed what we’d like in something similar and brain-stormed themes emerging from the pandemic. Place, politics and shopping featured highly. I mentioned I still quarantined groceries. Someone sniggered: “The virus is airborne.” “I know but I can’t shake the habit!” Flagging, I accepted a cuppa in lieu of a break and stayed for lively discussion. The Researcher noted no one had yet mentioned conspiracies.
As evidence they persisted, I cited a free rag randomly picked up in the co-op. Entitled ‘The Light’, I expected amusing evangelical Christian garbage. It was actually covid conspiracy claptrap, linking vaccines to climate change. “Say what now?” That raised a laugh.
I then observed that the real conspiracy was global capitalism, to be reproached by someone else for also airing ‘conspiracy theory’. “It’s not theory, it’s fact,” I countered, “you only have to look at land ownership – every inch is private.” The Poet interjected that he walked wherever he liked. “Yes, because they let you, but they can take that right away any time. Just look what’s happened on Dartmoor.”*
The debate threatening to totally finish off my tired brain, I was bereft of further arguments. Much later, and with a clearer head, I realised I could have expanded further on historic working class battles over the right to roam and on Marxist theory explaining how the current state of the world was actually the (inevitable) highest stage of capitalism. Relating the exchange to Phil, he informed me Neil Oliver had orated on the age-old one-world government plot. I subsequently learnt Oliver loved doing lengthy monologues on GB news to espouse his ridiculous views. And to think I used to admire him as an intelligent historian!
* 13th January 2023, the right to wild camp on Dartmoor, the last place in England where it was allowed, disappeared overnight. Arguing the right never existed in the first place, hedge fund manager and Dartmoor’s sixth-largest landowner, Alexander Darwall, won a case against the national park. A disappointed CE Kevin Bishop and Right to Roam campaign founder, the excellently-named Guy Shrubsole, planned an appeal.
“This virus is here to stay. It is still killing and it is still changing” (Mr Ghebreyesus)
Covid Sub-Variant Arcturus
As recommended by JCVI, NHS England launched the spring covid booster campaign at the start of April for those aged 75 plus, older care home residents, the immunocompromised and at-risk Under 5’s. Jabs available from mid-June in England, other nations were yet to announce rollout dates. 19th April, an inquest found 32-year old psychologist Stephen Wright died from ‘unintended complications’ of the Astra-Zeneca vaccine in Jan 2021 (before they stopped giving it to under 40’s). Wife Charlotte planned legal action.
Warwick Business School reported care homes being propped up by staff doing extra hours during the pandemic. Extra support failing to reach the frontline or impacting pay and withdrawn too quickly, the system was starting to collapse. While The Independent Care Group worried about the closure of a quarter of North Yorks homes within 18 months, government harped on about how much money they’d put in.
A BBC investigation discovered £200 million was returned to The Treasury because 1/3 of schools hadn’t used national tutoring programme monies to help schoolkids affected by closures during restrictions. Educators complained of having to find top-up funds. DOE countered that 87% accessed the fund in 2022.
20% more infectious than Omicron and on the watchlist since March, coronavirus sub-variant XBB.1.16 aka Arcturus, spread globally, causing conjunctivitis and high fever. 65,000 confirmed cases in India, according to UKHSA, it accounted for 20% of infections and 5 deaths in England as of 17th April. Media referred to monthly covid briefings. Wondering if they were still issued, I gave up extensive googling but did discover all PCR testing outside the NHS and routine LFT’s for many health & social care settings ended 1st April and the NHS Covid-19 app closed 27th April. Who knew they were still a thing?
Early May, The Sun reported that the WHO declared the Covid 19 emergency over. They hadn’t, but due to vaccines and natural immunity (most people had it once or twice), downgraded it from the highest alert level. Mr Ghebreyesus told a press conference: “I declare Covid-19 over as a global health emergency. However, that does not mean that Covid-19 is over as a global health threat.” The virus still here, still killing and still changing, and this was no time for complacency.
In other health news, 5 million Brits had diabetes. The figure 1 in 10 in Bradford, Diabetes UK said tackling it should be a government priority. 49 cases since January marked a sharp rise in measles.
Ahead of allowing hens to roam free again, China reported the first death from avian flu subtype H3N8. Wild birds still affected, The Farne Islands would stay off limits to tourists until at least the end of August so rangers could test and monitor flocks. Two poultry workers testing H5N1 positive but asymptomatic, there was no evidence of human-human transmission. What were they doing to those poor chickens?
“You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of god, go” (David Davies)
Dog Shit Monday
Haiga – In the Pink
On a frosty, cold Monday morning, shed boy and girl ran their van engine for 10 minutes and hollered at each other. I shouted angrily at the window. Phil smirked at me: “They need to defrost the windscreen.” “Yes, but they don’t have to add to the noise by yelling!” Patchy sun insufficient to dispel the chill, Phil made tasty porridge. As I complimented his efforts, he sceptically suggested there was a ‘but’ coming. “No there isn’t. Stop fishing!” Posting the journal, WordPress encountered an error. Anxious at losing a morning’s work, I recovered most of it. Taking the recycling out, I trod in unseen dog shit near the bins. Irritated at having to clean my boot again, I stood on one leg to scrub it off over the drain, dodging cars and parents with toddlers. As I fumed on the sofa, Phil sympathised and blamed too many lockdown dogs. I leafed through dusty books under the coffee table, finding photography self-study notes. Untouched for 4 years, maybe I should get back to it. After placing on-line orders for essentials, I did some yoga but got no rest. Officially Blue Monday, I reflected that was last week for me. Shitty Monday more like!
Cases dropping 38% in a week, Oliver Dowdy predicted an end to Plan B restrictions on 26th January. Mike Tildesley foresaw a flu-like relationship with the virus by the end of 2022. All teens could have a booster but ex Vaccine Taskforce chair Dr. Clive Dix thought they were needless and mass vaccinations should end. Boosters: “stop the vulnerable and elderly” getting seriously ill and dying, “so they’re the ones we should focus on.” Former Number 10 official Sonia Khan claimed there was a long-standing drinks culture and The Scumbag blogged he told Boris to call off the 20th May do. Prepared to swear in court, he claimed others were willing to join him. Meanwhile, photos emerged of Keir having a beer in the officer during the April 2021 Hartlepool by-election. He responded that they took a break for a take-away and got back to work. In the BBC’s 100th year, Nads Doris told MPs the licence fee would be frozen for 2 years, but back-tracked on total abolition, saying that was ‘up for discussion’. She said the real-terms cut put “more money in the pockets of families who are struggling to make ends meet.” Err, how about cutting VAT on fuel bills and reinstating the Universal Credit uplift? Lucy Powell called it a vendetta and nicked our line that Operation Red Meat was “designed to stop the prime minister becoming dead meat.” £4.3 billion worth of fraudulent covid-related payments were written off, dwarfing the licence bill. As the navy refused to assist Nasty Patel in persecuting migrants in dinghies, Phil remarked: “Dead dog more like!” On Jeremy Vine the next morning, James Gammon had a point that the military were used to this type of thing, although they’d rescue people, not drown them! The House of Lords threw out the police bill clause concerning loud protests and added one on criminalising misogyny. I predicted that would get ditched in the commons.
Porky Pies and Piggy Eyes
Dog Mess Notice
Rainbow dawn colours complimented icing-sugar roofs Tuesday, presaging a bright, chilly day. After a decent night, I had a productive morning working on the journal and cleaning the kitchen window, before Phil tackled the blind. Looking lovely out, we discussed a walk but as the sun waned in the valley, we declared it too cold. I went to a busy, raucous co-op, noting the meat products had shifted. Was it to disguise shortages? In the afternoon, I reviewed my novel – quite funny in places if I say so myself! I then tried to block the din of canalside diggers with earplugs and rest. In a series of night-time covid dreams, I debated masks with the deceased friend.
Interviewed on Sky, Boris reiterated regret for misjudgements and upset, especially to the queen, but denied anybody told him the 20th May gathering was against the rules, to which Keir said he shouldn’t need telling as he set the rules. Scotland ‘turned the corner’ on Omicron leading to the lifting of restrictions from next Monday. Working from home and masks would stay. There’d be no extension of the Covid Pass but still required in nightclubs, you had to prove you’d also been boosted. Rishi and Saj were ‘cautiously optimistic’ England would follow suit. Inflation at 5.4% December (the highest since March 1992), real pay fell 1%, employment went up 0.6% (a 1.4% increase on pre-pandemic levels) and unemployment fell 0.1%. The debt charity StepChange found 1/3 adults struggled to pay bills and a tweet from an infuriated Jack Monroe that the index used: ‘grossly underestimates the real cost of inflation as it happens to people with the least’, went viral. Sick of ‘governments’ jiggery-pokery’ with figures, Sharon Graham of Unite said the RPI revealed a real cost of living increase of 7.5% and they’d appoint their own experts to produce a ‘working index of inflation’. ONS would subsequently work on inflation calculators to better reflect real everyday prices. DG Tim Davie warned moving to a subscription service would mean a BBC no longer able to do what it did.
Phil working hard in the gig economy from bed Wednesday, even using the hairdryer didn’t shift him right away. Wanting to speed up so we could go out in a sunnier, warmer day, a bitty living room slowed me down as did the sun blazing through the kitchen window. I tried adjusting the blind which he’d left fully open. Easy my arse! Irate and exhausted, I settled down with coffee for another commons blockbuster.
In the so-called Pork Pie Plot*, red wall tories planned to oust Boris. Defecting backbencher Christian Wakeford crossed to the labour benches just before PMQs creating uproar akin to a zoo. Appearing with piggy eyes as though he’d been crying, The Bumbler started with platitudes and Keir started by welcoming Wakeford, and queried Boris’ serial excuses; the ’very carefully crafted responses’ sounding ‘like a lawyer wrote it’. An evasive Boris blathered that his judgements led to ‘the fastest growing economy in the G7’ and the fab vaccine roll-out and when asked: “if the PM misleads parliament, should he resign?” he answered: “wait for the inquiry.” Referring to a dog’s dinner, Ian Blackford called Boris’ excuses ‘pathetic’. Instead of ‘taking the British public for fools’, he should ‘take responsibility and resign’. No, said Boris, prating about restrictions lifting thanks to co-operation across the UK. An unmollified Blackford told him “Nobody’s buying this anymore, he’s partying and laughing…and not fit for office.” I got ready for our walk after the main questions so missed David Davies’ bombshell. Citing Leopold Amery’s words to Neville Chamberlain the veteran declared: “In the name of god, go.” And he was no red wall tory! In the aftermath, Laura K revealed the 2019 intake were referred to as a litter of puppies. Were they running around chasing their tails? You may recall the Bury South MP, dubbed Wokeford by rancorous tories, was embroiled in the boozy Gibraltar trip last November.
We got pies from the bakers and headed to the park. Too many excitable dogs for my liking, we continued to the canal. Perturbed by a bevy of geese, Phil advised they were harmless and wouldn’t come after our food which we munched perched on a low wall before taking the towpath to the next lock, crossing to an ancient clough and exploring untrodden paths. Phil laughed when I snapped a dog mess notice, but as he referred to a bird in the brush as ‘a lady balckbird’, I chuckled in turn (see below). Very muddy stretches ended in a slippery descent to the green bridge, made more hazardous when a large mutt came our way. Although not steep, I panted on the incline and remarked it was due to weeks of no actual walking. At the farm, we veered down to the station, returned to the park and admired gnarly bark edging the mossy riverside path. Phil nipped in the co-op and I continued home to find two tiny plants on the garden wall. The ‘free to good home’ note didn’t excuse them treating the wall as communal. The plants matching the one from the local charity, I took them to the doorstep and thought I’d better find out what they were now I had 3. Struggling to shed my boots, I was just about done when Phil arrived. Collapsing on the couch, I reflected it was nice to get some outdoor exercise, even if it was mainly in the shady valley. Actually feeling sleepy, I was inevitably unable to do so.
Attempting to appease rebellious tories, the scrapping of Plan B was announced. Masks in classrooms and the work from home directive ended immediately, with workers told to go in even if they felt ill! Steve Barclay ordered civil servants back to the office. All other restrictions were ditched from next Thursday with ‘advice’ to keep face coverings. The need to isolate would lapse on or before 24th March, easing of travel would follow and there’d be a plan to ‘live with covid like flu’. It didn’t go unnoticed that Goblin Saj led the press conference rather than the PM. No contrary sage advice, the ONS Community infection Survey reported UK cases falling consistently for the first time since November, except in Northern Ireland. But another ONS survey showed Omicron 16 times more infectious; double that for the unvaccinated. Almost 64% of over 12’s boosted was all very well, but with thousands hospitalised and an average 266 deaths a day in the depths of winter, doctors rightly urged public caution. On BBC Breakfast, Jason Leitch lauded the Scottish approach and referred to LFTs as sci-fi. He meant because you could do them at home but it was grist to the mill for conspiracy theorists. Fearful of cholera outbreaks after the tsunami, 2 New Zealand naval ships took water to a covid-free Tonga. Australia and Japan also sent aid.
A bright, frosty Thursday turned nithering when the sun went behind the hill. Phil not daring to wake me, I overslept. As he didn’t hear a timid door knock, I bad-temperedly answered it for the postie to hand me a tiny box from Boots. Expecting several items, I worried the quizzical look I gave her appeared rude. Soon after, Phil answered a second knock and accepted a larger parcel. Why on earth did they not combine them? As I strove to get going, a bluebottle flew in the bedroom. It flew out when Phil opened the window. I started dusting when the landline rang. From the top of the stairs, I caught a garbled message from the Ocado driver, and rang back. He wanted to deliver early but I told him it wasn’t convenient. Annoyed at all the interruptions, Phil thankfully took the tray away enabling me to continue tidying. The minute I turned the laptop on, the delivery arrived. After we’d sorted that lot, it was almost noon meaning writing was foreshortened. Later, I cleared a stack of junk e-mail, completed a survey and played Wordle. Unaware of this social media phenomenon until Countdown Susie talked about it on telly, I guessed the word in 5 goes. Not bad for a first try, I tweeted the results.
Pork Pie Plot MPs complained of blackmail from tory whips, with threats constituency funding could be withdrawn if they didn’t toe the party line. William Wragg advised they report intimidation to the police to be accused of attention-seeking. He then arranged to meet The Met next week. The Bumbler visiting Rutherford Diagnostic Centre in Taunton, knew nothing. Number 10 refused to investigate, citing a lack of evidence. Zara Rutherford (no relation to the famous scientist) became the youngest woman to fly solo round the globe. The Glove-puppet met developers to ask them to pay to replace dangerous cladding. Newscast presenters stuffed pork pies in their gobs as they précised the plot and challenged Simon Clarke for referring to Partygate as ‘frustrating’. Viewers ‘shouting at the telly’ might use other words for it!
Sausages and Meatloaf
Lady Blackbird
No frost on near roofs Friday morning, those a street away were encrusted. With office fodder returning to crush hour on public transport, BBC Breakfast discussed plans to reduce loud tannoy announcements. Voiceover artist Emma Clarke, famous for ‘mind the gap’ and no relation to the tory MP, defended what Grant Shats called a Bonfire of the Banalities. Look who’s talking! And what about blind people who needed to know where to get off? Jeremy Vine featured footage of Millie the Jack Russel. Stuck in mudflats in Hants she was rescued when a sausage was dangled from a drone. Far too much airtime was wasted on Meat Loaf. The worst rock singer in history who refused to be ‘controlled’ by vaccine, died of covid. At least that was one less Trump meathead on the planet!
On the way to the co-op, I saw the postie. Glad of the opportunity, I explained the funny look I gave her Thursday. She was very nice about it. Lots of missing fresh fruit and veg, I found a bargain chicken.
Kwarteng said we’d have to wait until the chancellor’s spring statement in March to know if we got any help with energy bills. Trussed-up Liz had Vlad Putin quaking in his boots (sic) as she threatened consequences if he invaded Ukraine. Look North went to Halifax where schools complained of allowing mask-less kids in class during ‘peak week’. Andrew Lee of Sheffield University thought it too soon. Broadcasting from what looked like a bare white-walled cell, we wondered why he wasn’t in front of his wonky picture of Clifford’s Tower. Was he isolating?
Fatty Tubbutt was absent from Saturday Kitchen, reportedly having his appendix removed. His excess fat more like! They played ‘would I pork pie to you? ‘with guest Rob Brydon. See what they did there! Grey and cold, we stayed indoors. I worked on the journal, wrote a haigai and posted an entry on Cool Placesii. Continuing the kitchen spring clean, the top corner shelves were festooned by cobwebs. We sorted a pile of cookery books and pamphlets, put some unused ones in a charity bag and some in the bin. The idea of a Guardianista finding the Yotam Ottolenghi supplement made us laugh “featured in this week’s recycling…” Phil went to rest his aching back, leaving me to the bulk of the dinner prep.
After inadequate sleep, I awoke Sunday absolutely parched The first time I’d caught the new Sunday Morning programme since Marr left, WHO Dr. Maria Van Kerkhove ‘pushed back’ against calling coronavirus ‘bad flu’. Billions still unvaccinated, the pandemic wasn’t done with us yet and variants would continue to emerge, possibly worse than Omicron. Maybe I thought, but it wasn’t in the virus’ interests to kill all the hosts. Alarmed by an end to self-isolation, she urged exiting ‘gracefully, carefully, slowly’ and using masks as an easy way to slow the spread. Batting away suggestions he may be in line for Boris’ job, Rabid Raab trotted out the party lines on the great vaccine programme and ‘the fastest growing economy’. He informed us it was up to the PM how much of Sue Gray’s report would be made public. Expanded to include visits to number 10 by Carrie Antionette’s friends, the inquiry could be never-ending! Nasrat Ghani claimed she was sacked from her ministerial post for being Muslim. Raab said she should’ve put in a formal complaint at the time. Chief whip Mark Spencer considered her allegation of islamophobia defamatory. See you in court!
Another grey scene, Phil reckoned it wasn’t that bad out but disposing of recycling, I declared it far too cold for visiting the dank woods. I brought the tiny plants in for repotting and looked them up on Google. Kalanchoe or Widow’s Thrill (tropical succulents from Madagascar), were tolerant and easy to propagate. I could grow some more for next Christmas. I spent the rest of the day writing.
Two years since the first Wuhan lockdown, China still battled to confine cases before the Beijing Winter Olympics and hamsters in Hong Kong caught covid. Joe Biden met Anthony Blinken and his defence team to discuss Russian aggression. Trussed-up Liz had ‘credible evidence’ Moscow planned to install a pro-Russian leader in Ukraine. They dismissed the reports as misinformation and ‘stupid rhetoric’. Supposed puppet Yevhen Murayhev told The Observer it wasn’t logical.
*Pork Pie Plot – so-called after one of the ringleaders, Alicia Kearns, MP for Melton Mowbray
“This is a prime minister who has been accused of breaking a law that he himself set; it could not be more serious”(Ian Blackford)
The Waiting Game
Gloomy Church Clock
Sleeping later than planned Monday, I rushed round, took piles of rubbish out, and picked up the laptop to a flurry of e-mails. I replied to one from the owner of Valley Life agreeing to contribute during 2022, posted a haiga (see below)i and draft-posted the journal before scoffing lunch and preparing for a dental appointment. Too cold and damp to walk to the next village, I went for an earlier bus than necessary. Two didn’t turn up. I rang the surgery to explain and they agreed to see me late. The waiting room empty, I was told the dentist was with another patient when I saw him gabbing with staff. X-rays required after not visiting for 2 years, I inwardly laughed when they switched the machine on and ran away, leaving me to be zapped! I eschewed a visit to Sainsbury’s, and crossed to the bus stop. The church clock looming in the gloom attested to another lengthy wait. Unable to use my return ticket on the first bus, a convoy of school buses sailed by, then a swarm of schoolkids infested the queue until the right bus eventually came. Inevitably packed, I perched on the edge of a seat, silently fuming at loud-mouthed mask-less little monsters! Unable to stand them any longer, I alighted early and hurried the back way to the co-op for a couple of items. Moody, cold and tired, I slumped on the sofa before dragging myself upstairs to warm up.
Daily LFTs for 100,000 critical workers began. IKEA cut sick pay for unvaccinated staff required to self-isolate, as did Next later in the week. The UKHSA and Covid Taskfarce looked at reducing self-isolation to 5 days, like the US. Boris said he’d follow the evidence. The Glove-puppet thought it too soon to say the Omicron wave was abating. After getting stuck in a lift at BBC HQ, he joked that WA1 wasn’t satire. He planned forcing developers to pay to replace cladding on shorter tower blocks. Nandy said he didn’t address all the safety issues. Novax was granted a visa but his dishonesty and the toing and froing of Australian officials, created embarrassment all round. A competition to invent a platinum pudding for the queen required something simple, elegant and flavoursome. “How about angel delight?” giggled Phil.
Tuesday, I was irked at another late start, a lost sock and Phil handwashing a jumper after putting a load in the machine. He berated my nagging and I sulked, posted the journal and replied to a message from The Researcher; illness explaining the wait to hear from her. She seemed delighted with my draft takeover blog. Still grieving for a lost Monday afternoon thanks to WY Metro, I stayed in to catch up on writing while Phil kindly offered to shop. In a week when Souter Hole in Whitburn, Sunderland, grew into a sunken beach, Digging for Britain featured a whole Ichthyosaur fossil (or sea dragon) unearthed in Rutland and an iron age village which evolved into a wealthy Roman settlement discovered under HS2 in Northants.
379 deaths, 3,000 kids and 1 in 12 teachers off school due to covid, Sturgeon said masks could be the norm in Scotland for the foreseeable future but more spectators would be allowed at outdoor sports from next week. WHO regional director Dr, Hans Kluge said over half of Europeans would catch Omicron in the next 2 months, while his colleague Dr Nabarro said the end was in sight if we respected the virus and reacted quickly to surges (occurring every 3-4 months) and David Heymann of the London School of Tropical Medicine thought the UK could soon reach endemic status. A leaked e-mail from Martin Reynolds invited 100 people to a BYOB Downing Street garden party 20th May 2020, the same day we were told we could meet 1 person outside. Boris and Carrie allegedly joined 40 attendees. Even diehard blues sick of the smirks and ‘serial lying’, there were renewed calls for the PM to resign. Would his PPS be the fall guy? Rayner asked urgent questions in the commons. The Bumbler unsurprisingly absent despite no appointments, paymaster general Michael Ellis took the flak, saying there was ‘absolutely no indication’ his boss knowingly misled parliament and urged MPs awaited the inquiry results. Ian Blackford attacked ‘a PM’ accused of breaking a law that he himself set.
Ovo blogged ways to keep warm including doing star jumps, cleaning, eating porridge and cuddling pets. I did most of them; maybe I should get a dog! They later apologised for ‘poorly judged and unhelpful’ content, sacked ¼ of their workforce and shut 7 of 10 offices. The Minimum hourly wage for remaining staff was upped to £12. Putin claimed to have suppressed the ‘foreign coup’ in Kazakhstan.
Dead Man Walking
High Trees (from Takeover Blog)
Sleeping well, I enthusiastically set about hoovering the living room Wednesday, impeded by unravelled floor cushion tassel threads festooning the floor. Partygate inevitably dominated PMQs for a second week. Starting with a sham apology, The Bumbler admitted getting ‘somethings wrong’, although the Number 10 garden was ‘an extension of the office’. He went out to thank staff at what he thought was a work event 20th May, but ‘with hindsight’, he should have sent them back in and found another way to say thanks. He said sorry to those who’d lost people and directed MPs to Sue Gray’s inquiry. Not thinking to reference his ‘captain hindsight’ moniker, Keir called Boris ‘a man whose ran out of road’, and the excuse he didn’t know it was a party pathetic (yes, especially as he got the e-mail!) and asked would he do the decent thing and resign? In response to a load of Boris Bluster, Keir asked was he ‘so contemptuous’ he thought he could ride it out? Boris insisted he was aware of the public’s sacrifices and understood their anger, repeated ‘bitter regret’ and awaiting the inquiry report. Keir listed previous high-profile resignations and wondered why the PM still thought the rules didn’t apply to him? After Boris repeated himself, Kier cried: “it’s not working!” Boris called Keir’s facts ‘wrong’ but accepted ‘they’ did wrong, with the caveat: ‘we thought we acted within the guidance’ and suggested as a lawyer, Keir should respect the process. Kier responded ‘a series of ridiculous denials’ meant ‘the party’s over.’ Ian Blackford echoed calls for Boris’ removal from office. Later on, Sir Roger Gale marked his leader ‘a dead man walking’ and Douglas Ross (head of the Scottish tories) submitted a vote of no confidence letter to the 1922 committee. On Newsnight, Rees-Moggy insisted Boris was humble and sincere, showed great leadership in getting ‘the big things right’ and dubbed Douglas Ross a ‘lightweight’.
Turning to writing projects, I replied to another e-mail from The Researcher. Developing head fug, I failed to rest. In a long episodic dream that night, I married a murderer, escaped and attended a weird conference involving in a laser fight with red-hooded figures. It was probably inspired by the magical Witcher on Netflix.
Concluding a case brought by The Good Law Project and Everydoctor, The High Court ruled awarding government contracts via a ‘VIP fast lane’ unlawful. However, it was likely Pestfix and Ayanda Capital would’ve won the bids as they offered large volumes of PPE at a critical time. Hmm! Weren’t the masks from Ayanda chucked as unsafe? Ministers said the fast track would stay for possible future emergencies. Rayner claimed it was clear the cabinet office didn’t have the resources to conduct proper due diligence. Smart motorways were paused for 5 years to gather more safety data. How many deaths did they need? GoFundMe donations enabled Alan Gosling to buy more ducks.
Dead Meat
Haiga – Epiphany
Stripping the bed Thursday, I opened the window in sunshine, shook blankets out and Phil changed sheets while I bathed. I uploaded photos via a Google drive link from The Researcher. The takeover post looking good, I thanked her for kind words and links to my other blogs. She later proposed meeting for a beer sometime.ii I left a sluggish laptop updating and went to town, tarrying in the sweet shop to admire diminutive pottery houses made by a customer. At the market, I waited at the fish van for a woman to bafflingly ask if they could get seaweed for her daughter’s school project. A woman passing the pizza stall opposite the veg stall asked: “Coma stai?” The hipster mumbled a reply. “Non parli Italiano?” He smiled inanely. After she’d gone, I asked did he know what she’d said. He reckoned she was Romanian to which I remarked she spoke Italian. He insisted he knew that but obviously didn’t understand her. I enjoyed an informative chat in the deli on different dal varieties before struggling home where Phil belatedly offered help after I’d carted bags to the kitchen.
While covid hospitalisations rose in the north, cases fell in London and the South East. Encouraged by UKHSA data showing 2/3 no longer infectious after 5 days, Goblin Saj reduced self-isolation requirements accordingly (with negative tests). Reckoning people were most contagious 3-6 days after contracting covid, Prof. Reicher queried: “how is this following the science?” Boris pulled out of visiting a jab centre, ostensibly because a family member tested positive. Hiding more like! Despite his approval rating sinking to 23% after his phoney apology, senior tories rallied round, urging critics to await findings of the inquiry before judging. Scotland Yard in ‘ongoing contact’ with the cabinet office, The Times predicted no evidence of criminality would be found. Deputy CMO Van Dam notably made no mention of the PM when announcing he was leaving his secondment at the end of March to become pro-vice chancellor at Nottingham University. Fans implored a streetcar in the city be named Jonathan Van-Tram. Feargel Sharkey re-appeared on BBC Breakfast to tell us all English rivers were polluted and quote “study to be quiet.” Sound advice! A man on QT complained M&S renaming midget gems was ‘people sitting around thinking of ideas.’ He obviously never had an idea in his life! On Newscast, phone-in radio hosts reported a sea of disapproval to downing it in Downing Street. Excuses put forward by the odd defender centred on the rules being too strict. If they were too strict for them, they were too strict for those who stuck to them. Clamours for the reimbursement of fines ensued.
Friday, I left Phil sat on the bed doing tiny work to clean the bathroom of mysterious dross and work on the laptop. Again a brilliant start, the sun had sunk behind the hills but it stayed pleasant as I headed to the co-op. A nice lad assisted my hunt for products to use a member’s offer and put me in the mood for a jest with my mate at the kiosk. I remarked the hot cross buns would be stale by Easter. He assured me they’d be long gone by then and joked about being crucified. By the time I thought of a come-back, the moment had passed. Phil arrived to help at the till where I realised I had enough member’s points for a free shop.
Former Covid Taskfarce DG Kate Joseph tweeted a statement on attending drinks 17th December to mark her departure from the cabinet office. Rage mounted with revelations of two Downing Street parties 16th April 2021. Staff bought a suitcase-load of wine from an all-night shop. Ex-comms aide James Slack apologised ‘for the anger and hurt caused’ by his boozy leaving do. Number 10 expressed ‘deep regret’ it happened on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Was the queen bothered after stripping Prince Andrew of his royal and military titles? Keir responded Boris should’ve offered HRM a resignation, not a sorry. Instead, the dead mad drew up Operation Big Dog, a list of officials in line to tender resignations to save his own skin. So much for relying on Sue Gray’s inquiry! The list of booze-ups at number 10 growing daily, Phil observed: “No wonder this government’s’ a shower of shit. They’re drunk every day!” Tobias Ellwood said he should lead or leave but Liz Truss wished we’d ‘move on’. What to? Brexit? Cos that’s going swimmingly! GDP recovered to pre-pandemic levels before Omicron hit in November. Tesco kept on 13,000 Christmas staff to cover self-isolating colleagues. 32 migrants rescued from The English Channel near Berck, Calais, a Sudanese man died of hypothermia.
I’m in the Garden!
Tipsy on after-dinner wine, we laughed at Wheel of Time (it’s no Witcher) and Dmitry Kokh’s photos of polar bears living in buildings on the abandoned Soviet era meteorological station, Kolyuchin Island. Posing in the garden without wine and cheese, I bet they didn’t need a Verisure alarm! iii
For the third day running, Saturday started dazzlingly, with hoar frost prettifying hilltop trees. Stressed at a greasy mess on the draining board from Phil’s late washing up, I kept schtum until he fiddled with the curtains trying to block sunlight from the telly.
He answered my tirade with a promise to clear up the oil slick, which he fulfilled. I hurried to dress as the sun waned and the scene turned grey and cold. Not inclined to go out, Phil started spring cleaning the kitchen, making the hearth gleam. I considered contributing but got distracted by a film, and then it was dark. Sunday drab, we abandoned plans for a walk and continued spring cleaning the kitchen, managing to not get in each other’s way too much. Pissed off at lack of outdoor photo opportunities, we snapped a Christmas cactus. The belated blooms served as a haiga subject. Leeds United back on form, we were treated to a series of goals in quick succession on MOTD resulting in a win against West Ham who knocked them out of the FA cup the previous weekend.
Following admissions of lying on forms and having meetings when infected, Australia again revoked Novax’s visa and detained him as a threat to public health until a court hearing (of law, not tennis) got him deported Sunday. Eruptions of the tongue-twistingly named Hunga-Tonga Hunga Ha’apai volcano led to a mile-high tsunami on the tiny island nation of Tonga. As Brits went missing, some idiots tried surfing the wave.
Hot on the heels of Operation Big Dog, a raft of policy announcements emerged over the weekend such as giving the army powers to intercept vessels in The Channel, abolishing the BBC licence fee and banning booze at Number 10. Err, why couldn’t the PM just do that in his own house? Referring to ‘industrial scale partying’, Keir repeated calls for The Bumbler’s resignation. Operation Red Meat a blatant distraction technique, Phil quipped: “Operation Dead Meat more like!” Maybe we should feed him to the polar bears!
“Prime minister, how’s it going? Are you okay?” (Angela Rayner)
Riding The Wave
Haiga – Troubled Waters i
Sleeping later than planned on another bank holiday Monday, I reasoned I was still recovering from debilitation. Using up bacon for breakfast butties, I noted we’d disgustingly been cheated out of a rasher. Grey at first, it brightened up. Unseasonably warm, small birds sang and southerners reported swallows failing to migrate. I meant to get out of the house in the false spring but almost dark by the time I’d posted blogs, watched a film instead.
An average 170,000 new cases per day in the past week, hospitalisations rose 70% to 14,000. On a ‘war footing’, 6 NHS Trusts declared a state of emergency, and Nightingale hubs were planned in hospital grounds including St. James’s, Leeds. Boris said it was folly not to expect more inpatients and vital to stick with Plan B (i.e., get boosted). Meanwhile, Israelis got jab number 4. Would it ever end? Nads Zahawi refuted critical LFT shortages, telling people to refresh their browsers. Anti-lockdown demos in Amsterdam into a third day, 30 were arrested. Having put the fire out once, flames freakily re-assailed the South African parliament. The shooting of wild birds, including corvids, was legalised to protect game birds, now classed as livestock. As if you could own grouse! The parliament of crows might have something to say about that.
Achiness and fatigue returning to normal levels Tuesday, I forced myself to exercise. After a cold night, melted frost coated the inside of the bedroom window. I sketched a punky face with my finger against the crisp, sunny outlook. Phil struggling, I made porridge. He then announced he was cutting his hair and cleaning the bathroom and cheekily asked: “are you getting up today?” “I’m drinking my tea!” I retorted, listed all the tasks I had lined up, got dressed, took the tray down and cleared the kitchen. My mind-wandering over coffee was disturbed by scraping sounds. Workmen disconnected the telegraph wires before uprooting the entire pole on the street below, explaining no internet. It was a good job I mistakenly sent Welsh Friend’s birthday greetings a day early! In line with my new journal-writing regime, I edited diary and news notes before disposing of recycling, almost getting frostbite in the process. I donned extra layers before going to the co-op. A large woman came up right behind me twice. On the second occasion, I testily asked could she not wait 2 minutes? She then pointedly spent several minutes staring at cheese. I paid at the kiosk and searched for a receptacle for the old batteries I’d brought but there was none. Unable to cope with the hustle and bustle, I fled out the back door and spoke to the engineers on the way back. Realising it wasn’t their fault as subcontractors, did it not occur to anyone to let people know there’d be internet, especially on the first full workday after the Christmas break? One man barked: ‘there’s nowt we can do’. The rotting pole dangerous, they’d replace another tomorrow. I thanked his more amenable colleague for the gen. By lunchtime, the sun had gone. I fixed a pair of boots and Phil framed the old map for me.
As hospitals faced a ‘challenging winter’, Prof Fergie said rates in London were plateauing and other regions would follow within 3 weeks, but it was “just too difficult to interpret current mixing trends and what the effect of opening schools again will be.” Matthew Taylor of the NHS Confederation disagreed, saying admissions rose across Britain. At a press conference, Boris pronounced priority testing for critical workers and said ‘the utmost caution’ gave a good chance of riding the Omicron wave without more restrictions. A million new cases were recorded in America and in China, Yuzhou became the second city after Xi’an to go into lockdown as 3 asymptomatic cases were found. A surge in chicken farms led to outrageous sewage levels in the Wye Valley. Pop star and keen fisher Feargal Sharkey was incensed. While ministers consulted business on extortionate energy prices, Martin Lewis complained they didn’t ask consumer groups. A total 28,300 crossed the channel in small boats 2021, triple the number in 2020. Warner Music paid a bargainous £185 million for David Bowie’s back catalogue.
Wintry Rainbows
Wintry Rainbows
Wednesday morning, I lay abed as dawn broke. Was it 6, 7? No, it was gone 8. I forced myself up and opened curtains to roof frost and yellow light in the east presaging sunshine which became patchy later. I managed a full exercise routine for the first time in weeks, bathed and tidied the bedroom, spotting an engineer fiddling anew with wires in the street below (but the internet stayed on). A notice subsequently attached, explained how to object to the new telegraphy pole. I prepared for a walk early afternoon then waited impatiently for Phil. During earlier exchanges with Walking Friend, we declined an invite to go up the pike in the freezing conditions and suggested a meet at the canalside pub. When she texted their ETA, we settled on a short stroll. Still some light in the sky, sun on the water created wintry rainbows. As we neared the pub, Walking Friend and The Poet approached from the opposite direction – excellent timing! We secured the best table and supped pints. Following a washout birthday, she seemed pleased with our gifts, particularly Phil’s abstract prints. We had a lovely time eating tasty dinners, humming to retro music, laughing and conversing. She was sceptical of my suspicion the likes of Bezos and Musk would piss off in rockets after they’d monetised climate action and wrecked the planet. Phil thought their plan was to own the entire earth so we’d be in hock to them. Scary stuff! The Poet went for a taxi and we walked via dark backstreets, gazing up at a slivery crescent moon and a plethora of stars, On the main road, she proceeded town-ward. “Are you getting a bus?” “There isn’t one due so I’m going for a wander till there is.” “I wonder where?” She chuckled a cheerio. While Phil made coffee, I switched on all the Christmas lights for a final time. A mixture of a mind whirring after socialising and late caffeine-drinking, led to hardly any sleep. Using the meditation soundtrack, I briefly dropped off but was still awake when the tape ran out.
20 hospitals in a ‘state of emergency’, a review of covid restrictions involved a change in test rules. You didn’t need a PCR If an LFT proved positive, pre-departure tests before re-entry to the UK were scrapped and the isolation requirement was reduced to 5 days. John Edmunds said it made a lot of sense. Gillian Keegan claimed LFTs were very accurate and they’d trebled capacity. More likely, it was a trick to cover up shortages, exacerbated by the sole government supplier unbelievably taking a 4-day Christmas break. Scotland followed suit, ahead of a ‘revised strategic framework’. Supermarkets made £11.7 billion in December, £62 million on mince pies. ‘The Colston 4’ were found not guilty of criminal damage when they uprooted the Bristol statue in May’s BLM demos. During a French parliamentary debate about Covid Passes, Micron said he wanted to ‘emmerder’ (piss off) the unvaccinated.
Twelfth Night began very cold and frosty. Warming up slightly, sleet fell and promptly melted into a slushy mess. After a terrible night, I forced myself up for exercise and small chores before settling down with coffee to watch PMQs on iPlayer. Phil unresponsive to my repeated calls, he eventually joined me, saying he hadn’t heard. Keir isolating again, Rayner thanked the NHS for their hard work and Sue Gray for investigating Partygate. Her first question posited that with inflation at 6%, people paid the price for an incompetent government. Boris quoted a pile of figures and said labour couldn’t be trusted on Brexit or the economy. “How’s it going?” Angela smirked, going on to call the situation ‘an iceberg’: “will he finally change course or plough on to what will be a disaster for thousands of families?…He gives with one hand, takes away with another…Incompetence is taking our country backwards.” The Bumbler blustered that labour had “wrecked the country time and again.” The C**t queried health staff issues to get another load of lying stats from his boss.
Disassembling Christmas inevitably filled the rest of the day. Clearing the kitchen, a scraping noise near the window had me wondering was it workmen or the window cleaner? No. It was the wind, but not the predicted yellow thundersnow. Phil took the trees out and hoovered. I threw scraps out for the birds as Elderly Neighbour came by with the pooch. I asked how things were to be told The Wife was slowly improving. Back aching, I lay on the bed. I got no rest but incredibly slept 7 hours straight that night for the first time since my mental health issues surfaced.
Boris ‘called out’ anti-vaxxers while Novax Djokovic was refused entry and held in quarantine before the Australian Open. His family claimed he was kept prisoner without a change of clothes. Authorities said he could leave anytime. An ONS survey found 1:50 self-reported long covid in the 4 weeks to 6th December, before the Omicron wave. ½ million of the 1.3 million had the virus a year ago. Rishi Rich refused to ditch the National Insurance hike but penalties for late tax returns were waived for a month. Boris apologised to Lord Geidt that he’d not seen WhatsApp communiqués with Lord Brownnose. Later revealed in the Electoral Commission inquiry, the donor wrote: “approval is a doddle as it’s only me and I know where the £ will come from.” Steve Reed demanded a probe over paying for access to ministers. In what started as protests against doubling fuel costs, demonstrators in Kazakhstan attacked government buildings and Almaty airport. Security forces boasted they’d killed ‘dozens’ and the Russian military arrived. Kazakh president Tokayev subsequently ordered lethal force to be used against the so-called ‘terrorists’.
Clean Sweep
Pegged Out
Friday brought a dusting of snow, hail and sleet. Amazed I hadn’t woken during the night, I felt great for a few minutes before fatigue returned. Phil suffering from painful arms, I suggested he use Hotspur balm. Writing interrupted by his jabbering, I headed out to discover dog shit on my boots. Nowhere to sit in the wet, I struggled on the doorstep as a car careened past making me shout sweary words. Perturbed by my anger, Phil offered to scour them for me. Re-shod, I hurried to the co-op, finding gaps on veg and bread shelves. I dithered near the trolley park then decided to proceed home alone. Phil stood on the threshold and apologised for tardiness. I was just pleased he’d done the unpleasant task. Equipped with rubber gloves, a yard brush and buckets of water, I swilled and swept the dog shit down the drain. First noticed at the top of the steps Tuesday, we’d hoped for natural cleansing during wintry showers. Instead, it smeared all over the pavement. I made a mental note to expunge it immediately next time.
24 Trusts now on a ‘war footing’, staff absence rose 40.1% in a week and army troops were sent to hospitals. Alan Gosling (no kidding) was the first human to catch H5NI from a flock of Muscovy ducks he cared for. He was fine, the fowl were culled. A rise for Sainsburys and Argos staff would take their pay above the living wage. The wonderful trail-blazing Sidney Poitier died.
The weekend cold with leaden skies and dismal rain, we stayed in. Saturday, I worked on the journal, sorted Christmas cards and wrapping paper for storage and wrote to an old work friend who’d lost her husband to covid. Cooking paella, modifications made out of necessity proved successful and it tasted even better than usual. At bedtime, I slept well despite a EHS episode. Phil appeared stunned Sunday after a long kip which he put down to the small amount of beer we’d drunk. Depressed by a lack of light and fresh air, I cheered up slightly with an attempt at rocky road. Requiring far too much chocolate, I settled on a sort of tiffin cake which proved rather moreish!
146,390 new coronavirus cases and 313 reported deaths brought the death toll to over 150,000. UKHSA said there was no need for a fourth jab as data showed older adults had 90% protection 3 months after a booster. Nads Zahawi claimed we were over the peak but as it was revealed 1/5 of cases were in kids, Prof. Pagel warned a new school wave would prolong Omicron for everyone. 300,000 new cases Friday, protesters marched in French cities to piss off Micron. Amid a state of emergency and nationwide curfew, 6,000 Kazaks were arrested and at least 164 killed. Ahead of more talks, Liz Truss promised to invoke article 16 if there was no progress with the EU.
In the latest of a series of weird, rambling dreams, I conjured images of loaves of bread and mouldy oranges. Was it a message about post-Brexit food shortages?
“Nobody puts their life at risk unless they are absolutely desperate and feel they have no other option” (Mike Adamson)
On The Slide
Haiga – Snow Field
On a frosty and bright Monday morning, I rose on wobbly legs. Still unwell, I couldn’t remember the last time such debilitation lasted more than a week. I managed short bursts out of bed to help Phil with recycling and washing, getting stressed when I saw the machine was set incorrectly. I calmed down to sort it and worked on blogs. Both receiving text invites from the central system and the local surgery, we booked boosters via the latter for the following week. Puzzled that Phil got messages last week and I didn’t, he told me he had 2 different dates of birth on the NHS system. Was I in the wrong age bracket?
Ofgem put Bulb, the 7th largest energy supplier, into ‘special administration’. Too many customers to pass onto another company, Uswitch,com said: “This signals the tipping point of the UK energy crisis. With Bulb’s 1.7 million customer base, over 4 million people have now been directly impacted by the turbulent energy market.” 886 on Saturday, migrants crossing the channel during 2021 reached 25,600, treble the total for the whole of 2020. Bella Sankey of Detention Action railed: “The crisis is that people with credible protection claims…are forced to make dangerous journeys that make the UK look chaotic and incompetent.” French interior minister Gérald Darmanin claimed migrants were enticed by a UK army of ‘irregular workers’. Nasty Patel crap at her job, Steve Barclay was drafted in to lead a taskforce. He considered strengthening return agreements, using barracks to house arrivals, benefits cuts and ridiculously, ‘offshoring’.
Speaking to the CBI, The Bumbler lost his place, rifled through papers, repeated ‘forgive me’ 3 times, went ‘vroom, vroom’, compared himself to Moses and rambled about Peppa Pig being ‘pure genius’ even though she looked like a Picasso hairdryer. Phil joked he didn’t actually mean to go to Peppa Pig World but Capitalist Pig World and took a wrong turn! I thought he might have syphilis. Downing Street was forced to declare he was ‘well’. On Newsnight, Polly Guardian complained the CBI needed serious information, Boris was on the point of losing it and ‘on the slide’. Danny Finkelstein told us Boris’ political strategy revolved around himself. His self-confidence led to a lack of preparation. On the immigration bill, Diane Abbot wanted proper policies instead of daft ideas like the wave machine. A tory denied that was ever a thing (err, yes it was. See part 30 of this blog). She said antagonising the French wasn’t working. After Nick Thomas-Symonds seemed to contradict his leader by telling Marr that migrants should be sent back to the first safe country they arrived in, Abbot was asked what was the labour policy? She declined to answer. Well, that’s clear then – not!
Marginally better on Tuesday, I made an effort to dress before the Ocado delivery then worked on blogs. Experimenting with knobbly squash for dinner, I made a topping for orzo, panicking when it stuck to the pan. It tasted good but the squishy mess wasn’t what I intended.
With weekly covid deaths over 1,000 for the first time since 12th March and 1/3 of cases asymptomatic, the Scottish and English governments urged anyone going to crowded places or visiting the vulnerable during the festive period to get an LFT. Northern Irelanders were asked to limit social contact and work from home. Europe ‘in the firm grip’ of the virus, deaths passed 1.5 million and the WHO feared they’d reach 2.2 million by March. Dr. Hans Kluge said: “we face a challenging winter ahead but we should not be without hope, because all of us…can take decisive action to stabilise the pandemic.” Merkel barked that German regional measures weren’t good enough and health minister Jens Spahn warned by the end of winter, the whole population would be vaccinated, recovered or dead. Very German! Former jab tsar Kate Bingham lectured Oxford University on a “devastating lack of skills and experience in science, industry, commerce and manufacturing” In government. 70 tory backbenchers voted against the latest version of the Health & Social Care Bill because it broke yet another promise: local authority payments would be discounted by the cap so 2/3 of northerners would have to sell their homes to pay for their care. Rabid Raab allegedly held a fund-raising party at Chevening. Against parliamentary rules, Rayner demanded to see receipts.
Still achy Wednesday, I managed a few stretches and made porridge. I sat on the bed rather than in it, worked on blogs and watched PMQs. The chamber packed with mask-less tories, Keir quipped: ‘I see they’ve turned up this week’ and gabbed about broken promises. The only thing he’s delivering is: “high taxes, high prices and low growth.”
Bracing myself for a trip to the co-op, it was quite fun for once. A small fairy princess danced in the aisles and a jolly man whistled as he wheeled about in his chair putting items on his lap. I struggled home with backache and took it easy in the afternoon. Ample orzo but not much squishy sauce left, I added passata. A definite improvement, it vaguely reminded me of a childhood dinner. Our evening was interrupted by a huge, loud chopper flying so low the windows rattled. Some chump asked the local Facebook group ‘what was that?’ To which a joker quipped: ‘sorry, no more pickled gherkins for me!’
At a Transport for the North meeting in Leeds, northern leaders called IRP the ‘cheap and nasty option’. A dinghy capsized in Pas de Calais. 27 migrants drowned. Lamentations all round, Mike Adamson of The British Red Cross said nobody risked their life unless they were desperate and urged the government “to rethink its plans for making the UK’s asylum system harder to access.” Boris spoke to Mini Macron and held a Cobra meeting. A special edition of Newsnight pitted those who believed the way to solve the crisis was to create safe routes against those who thought it was to make crossings impossible and the UK less attractive, such as the awful member for Dover Natalie Elphicke. People died, you heartless bitch! Justin Welby called for a system based on: “compassion, justice and co-operation across frontiers.” Touché!.
Out Of Control
Buried Services
Brilliantly sunny on Thursday, thick crunchy rooftops didn’t deter me from opening the window to shake blankets out. Going out later than planned, the sun already dipped behind the hill. On the way to the surgery, I spotted Elderly Neighbour and Environment Agency works warning of ‘buried services’. From a plethora of posters plastered to the surgery doors, I eventually discerned I needed to press the buzzer and wait for someone to come and hand me a test kit from a safe distance. I got a few items from charity shops, the sweet shop and Boots where the pharmacist rudely stacked shelves in the middle of serving me.
To celebrate Thanksgiving, outbreaks of bird flu emerged. All poultry-keepers were directed to keep foul cooped up from next Monday. Was turkey off the Christmas menu again? Revellers died after a covid party in Italy. Covid passes lasted 9 months if you were vaccinated but only 6 months if you had antibodies – idiots! In an urgent statement to the house on migrant drownings, Nasty Patel said she’d offered France joint patrols but was dismissed as ‘crazy’ by Calais MP Henri Dumont. Micron demanded more help from Britain as people ‘don’t want to stay in France’, and from EU partners, because when they got to France it was too late. Boris tweeted a letter containing his ‘5 point plan’* before Micron received it, resulting in Patel being uninvited to a meeting in Calais with France, Belgium, Holland and Germany. What a twat! Seeing the missive as a sop to tory backbenchers over ‘taking back control’ rather than serious diplomacy, Darmanin called it “unacceptable and counter to our discussions between partners.” Nick Thomas-Symonds bemoaned a ‘grave error of judgement’: “This is a humiliation for a PM and home secretary who have completely lost control of the situation in the channel.” A refugee now settled in Britain came on BBC Breakfast the next day to say Europe should be ashamed of letting people drown.
The QT panel was asked: ‘is the PM okay?’ Some tory said ‘give him slack’ but Eluned Morgan MS was ’a big critic’, repeating the over-used ‘overpromised and underdelivered time and time again’ line and Liz Saville lamented infantile Westminster politics. Our erstwhile housemate, now apparently an author, said it’d be okay if Boris had a competent government behind him, but he didn’t. On the social care cap, Rob Buckland wanted to wait for the white paper and input from lords before tweaking. Lindsay Hoyle appeared on Newscast with his parrot, Boris, who shouted ‘lock the doors’ on trains. He said we’d recently seen the house at its best and its worst and he’d not give up trying to take hate out of politics. Calling for zero tolerance of online abuse, he said if social media companies failed to act, we must use the law.
Blown Off Course
Corvid Roost
Friday, I found lots of gaps in the co-op especially fresh stuff, but got a reduced chicken. With no bottles to carry, I’d not asked for Phil’s help but was fully laden by extra purchases. A group of oldies and a yapping dog blocked the trolley park. Repeatedly saying ‘excuse me’ to no avail, I struggled to manoeuvre the trolley round them and stomped home. Cleaning the bathroom in the afternoon, I found a veritable spider’s nest. Long since gone, they left a big mess.
New variant B.1.1.529 named Omicron by the Who, had a ‘constellation’ of 30 mutations 1 case found in Belgium, Susan Hopkins suspected it was already in the UK. 6 African countries were put on the red list. Effective 4.00 a.m. Sunday, incomers were required to quarantine in hotels and take PCR tests. Phil worried about immediate crackdowns. I fretted it was vaccine-resistant thus rendering all the jabs futile. In celebration of Black Friday, XR blocked amazon warehouses across the country. Ben Wally announced restructuring the army would make it ‘leaner but more productive’. “It’s nice to be told you’re not productive after digging the government out of every hole they’ve caused for the past few years!” exclaimed Phil.
Storm Arwen forecast to bring 75 mph winds, snow, travel disruption and damage, Scotland and parts of northern England were on red alert. Phil cheerfully hummed seasonal tunes. “It’ll probably be soggy sleet.” I predicted. “Don’t be so pessimistic!” Just as we headed to bed, a strange whistling was heard and the telly went off. “That’ll be the storm then. It sounds like it’s passing right over us.” “Yes, above the valley.“
Not as badly hit as some areas, Arwen blew through the night, bringing sub-zero temperatures, a sprinkling of snow and more seasonal humming to Saturday. 120 lorries got stuck in the white stuff on the M62 near Rochdale. Power cuts all over, our Vodafone signal went. The kitchen like the arctic, I re-named it The South Pole, declared it too cold to go out, worked on the Christmas card, replaced the Halloween tree with advent decorations and watched telly via iPlayer and All 4. Phil nipped to the café for forgotten prints, reporting town packed even though it was freezing. Crowds were attracted by an extended market. As if we needed an actual Christmas market!
Terrestrial telly resumed in the midst of a briefing from Boris, Witless and Valance. In the wake of the Omicron variant, masks would again be mandatory for public transport and retail from Tuesday. Uncommitted on lockdown and working from home, even though sage advised it, doomsayers predicted another cancelled Christmas. EU countries examined arrivals for the mutant, people were stuck on planes at Schiphol airport and the US closed borders to all except American citizens. As 2 confirmed cases arrived in Britain, 4 more African countries were added to the red list.
Pockmarked Canal
Roused early Sunday by what I thought was Phil shouting, I realised the noise was coming from down below, and decided Ray Bradbury stories were seeping into my dreamsi. When he woke, he complained of confusion and subsequently said he felt ill. I stole myself to bathe and dressed as fast as possible to avoid hypothermia.
An unexpected proper snow fall tempted us outside. I donned the bear coat and proper boots. The gorgeous new blanket squeaked and crunched underfoot. Boys at the end of the street abandoned a sled to throw snowballs. Ducks and pigeons scrabbled for birdfeed opposite the pet shop. Corvids roosted in the apex of bare trees, as if blown off course. The Christmas craft market still on, we advised an artist her unique animal paintings would definitely sell in the café.
In the park, crusties dragged felled branches across a pristine football pitch and a small girl sledged on the slope. “Let’s build a snowman!” she screamed excitedly at dad. “Snowperson round here,” I corrected her. On the towpath, autumn leaves were trapped beneath an icy layer, pockmarked by mysterious holes possibly made by fish. Back home, I took recycling out before removing my outerwear. Young Dad stood on his doorstep. We discussed the perils of driving in snow and them getting covid. He was ill for 3 weeks even though he had 2 jabs ages ago – maybe his immunity had waned? His partner hadn’t had any vaccine as allegedly every time she was booked in, something went wrong. Likely story! In the evening, I wrote a haigaii and added new snowy photos to the Christmas card, getting a headache from working on Photoshop late.
As RUF was cited as a possible super-spreader event, South Africans whinged they were penalised for identifying the new mutant and speedily sharing data. Dr. Angelica Coetzee told Marr she first saw patients suffering headaches and fatigue 18th November. Symptoms were mild but there were lots of cases. Moderna CMO Paul Burton relayed the need to establish if Omicron was more transmissible, caused more severe disease and evaded vaccines. 11 of the mutations indicated it might but as they began developing a new booster on thanksgiving, he was optimistic. As Saj wittered about firebreaks and mitigations, the DOE advised secondary schoolkids to wear masks in communal areas. At EU crisis talks on eliminating people-smuggling gangs, the French foreign minister said relations with the UK were ‘not easy’ but we had to try to get along. Disinvited Nasty Patel said it was a shame she wasn’t there and would speak to her counterparts during the week. Meanwhile, she was lambasted by tory backbenchers for failing to implement the resettlement scheme announced in August, forcing Afghans onto unsafe routes to reach Britain.
*Boris’ 5 point plan: joint patrols to stop boats leaving France; using tech such as radars and sensors; maritime patrols in each other’s territorial waters and airborne surveillance; more work on the joint intelligence cell; Bilateral returns agreement with France alongside talks to set up a UK-Europe agreement.
The Corvus Diaries 