Corvus Bulletin 10: The Nasty Party

“Suella Braverman’s use of the word hurricane is intentional. It presents people as a threat, making it easy to commit acts of barbarism against (them). It’s sinister, it’s shocking, that that language is used by our Home Secretary” (Emma Dabiri)

Vowing to review ‘hair-brained schemes’ such as ULEZ, Rishi Rich went to a scruffy-looking Salford 1^st October to squirm as Laura K. quizzed him on tory Cornwall council wanting 20 mph zones, electioneering and HS2. Party members leaving in droves, including nice capitalist Richard Walker, minister’s conference speeches were shifted to a small auditorium but Shatts still had to fill the front row with aides.

Gill Keegan proposed to ban mobile phones in schools. Concrete crumbling and kids falling behind in their development due to covid lockdowns, it was good to know she was focused on the real priorities! The C**t said he’d raise the national living wage to £11, strengthen benefit sanctions and freeze civil service recruitment to cut £63,000 jobs, saving £1bn in 2024. Swellen warned of a hurricane of mass migration. Raucously applauded by acolytes, others railed at her reckless language. Alicia Kearns advised caution in the use of words. Totally delusional Trussed-Up Liz tipped up to urge ‘New Conservatives’ (yet another splinter group) to ‘unleash their inner conservative’.* She and Nasty Patel praised ‘disrupter’ GB news for taking on the establishment. Eh? They were the establishment! More enthusiastic clapping was followed by a Twitter backlash likening it to 1984. Patel then went dancing with Farage. The horror of the Nasty Duo could never be unseen!

Channel 4’s film Partygate brought some light relief. Its focus on the antics of Number 10 aides amusing, it shied away from implicating ministers. No doubt lawyers had something to do with that.

Having promised to make a ‘considered decision’ on HS2, Rishi used his conference speech, ironically in an old Manchester train station, to confirm scrapping the northern leg. The saved £36bn would be reinvested in transport infrastructure across the country such as ‘network north’ links, electrified train lines, Leeds trams and a new Bradford station – again! Pleasing Lee Anderthal who though HS2 ‘a load of nonsense’ and lauded by the faithful, he was lambasted by everyone else. Ex-PMs Boris and Camoron believed cancelling a project with cross-party consensus wrong and Will Wragg tweeted there was only one thing worse than a white elephant; half a white elephant. Tory mayor Andy Street who’d joined The Bunman in pleading for it not to be scrapped, almost resigned. Bunman was livid at treating northerners as second class citizens by making such a big announcement at conference. Tracy Bin called it a betrayal and Henri Murrison of Northern Powerhouse Partnership called it a ‘national economic tragedy’. The Budget destined to outlive Rishi’s tenure, he subsequently claimed the projects (some of which had already been built) were ‘illustrative’. Government unwilling to put a figure on funds available in the near future, they insisted HS2 would still reach Euston. It then emerged that was fully dependent on private investment. So like all Rishi’s decisions, money was the overriding factor, explaining the damning word cloud Laura K. confronted him with.

Despite Rishi reciting a gammon wish-list and idiotically saying ‘a man is a man, a woman is a woman, it’s just common sense’, even Daily Mail readers weren’t happy. Perhaps, like the rest of us, they didn’t believe any of the promised projects would actually happen or maybe they preferred the Nasty Duo.

Suspended over breaking coronavirus laws, Margaret Ferrier had been removed as Rutherglen MP and labour won the seat 5^th October by a landslide. On QT, red wall tory Dick Holden denied Swellen’s rhetoric sounded like Enoch Powell. Irish writer Emma Dabiri considered it ’intentional, sinister and shocking’. After saying tories had ‘drifted out of touch’ during the cost of living crisis, failed to conserve the economy, high street, farming, rivers and seas, zero carbon obligations, schools or the NHS, Richard Walker expanded on why he left the party. He was also worried shopworkers, with already enough to do, would have to enforce new smoking laws. Emma Dabiri ended the programme talking about hyper-normalisation; the old Nazi trick of replacing the real narrative with a fake, simple one. Yep, that was what was happening alright!

On Laura K. 8^th October, Curry’s boss Alex Baldock decried daft planning laws – the Chinese built a whole railway in the time it took to build a single UK factory. At the labour conference in Liverpool, Steve Reed told a fringe meeting tories were shit. Although her boss said a mess of ‘rehashed old promises’ rendered a future labour government re-committing to HS2 impossible, Reeves promised a review of the fiasco as well as a Covid Corruption Commissioner to recoup money, and a rebuilt Britain when she was chancellor.

In his oration, Keir said we’d had 13 years of things can only get better followed by 13 years of things getting worse but Britain could heal and get its future back. His new labour meant an end to sticking-plaster politics, a proper plan to fix tomorrow’s problems today, no more gesture politics and a party of service putting the country first. Promising big, he cautioned it needed a decade’s hard work – i.e., jam tomorrow. I doubt he won over the gammons with his plans to bulldoze local opposition to build 1.5 m houses. Jacketless and hair sparkling, he’d been pranked by a posh boy shouting about true democracy. The protestor was dragged out and put in a police van. We wondered what the charge was. Glittering in a public place?**

*At a NewsXchange conference in Dublin a few months ago, Truss referred to the lettuce outlasting her Downing Street tenure as ‘puerile’ rather than real journalism. A bit rich seeing as she wasn‘t a real PM!

** People Demand Democracy (‘friends’ of JSO) later claimed responsibility.

The Corvus Papers 4: Permacrisis

“(Permacrisis*) sums up quite succinctly how truly awful 2022 has been for so many people” (Alex Beecroft)

Highway To Hell

Suffering a bad cold at the start of November, I’d forgot the practice nurse call. She proffered more questions, a mammogram re-invite and directed me to the ‘Menopause Matters’ website before a follow-up call. Unable to go for covid boosters, I re-booked but still snotty the next week and no more clinics available, was told to ring back when our colds had gone. Phil shopped and cooked, having a trauma as the gas ring set fire to a baking sheet. I’d just gone back to bed Thursday morning when the postie loudly knocked on the door, bearing a small parcel (1 of 2 items from Natures Best, the other came the next day – why on earth were they sent separately?) I made a big effort to do chores, frustrated by not finding a washed tablecloth; buried in a basket. Brighter following heavy overnight rain, I moved still sopping laundry into the sun, opened the window for fresh air and posted a Cool Places blogⁱ. After work, Phil rushed to the bathroom with a heavy sigh. “What’s up?” “I served a customer with covid outside The Store.” “You might have covid.” “Yes, but he really did.” Shivering, I noted moisture on windows even though I’d wiped them, conceded it was proper cold and put the heating on. Watching QT, Phil asked: “What’s Patrick Bateman said?” He meant Psycho Chris Philp. I hadn’t heard him leave Friday morning and dozed to traffic sounds; always noisier after October half-term. A sizzling frosty start was obscured by more condensation! Getting exhausted trying to clean, I returned to bed and battled brightness to use the laptop and browse Menopause Matters. Confused by a variety of HRT, I dawdled to the co-op, enjoying every moment of sunshine and a smile from Scottish ex-neighbour on the way. I scored the free trolley and saw The Widower. Having dithered over wearing a face-mask in case of covid, I didn’t and guiltily kept my distance asking after his health, then got more uneasy as an old man in front of me at the till dropped his walking stick and politely declined my offer of help. Knackered by the exertion, I took a cuppa to bed and edited my Christmas card. The sun already behind the hill when Phil got back, a spooky ¾ moon rose prettily below a shiny Jupiter. Saturday, I woke with remnants of an intricate dream in my head inspired by the fantasy film The Wanting Mare. Slightly better, I retrieved winter clobber, donned a woolly jumper and sat in the chilly living room.

As Musk realised he’d paid over the odds for loss-making Twitter, he requested $20 per celeb to keep their blue tick. Stephen King tweeted Musk should be paying him, to which Musk replied, what about $8? A wave of fake blue tick accounts including his, hilariously ensued. Putting profit above people, he brutally sacked half his staff via 3.00 a.m. e-mails. Paid up to February – not bad! – the human rights team the first to go. A class action was brought. Later in the month, staff told to sign up for high intensity long hours or leave, quit. Musk shut the offices for a week. 1m tweeters closed or deactivated their accounts and Mastodon reported 70,000 new users. Too confusing and unable to join the UK ‘instance’, I gave up doing likewise. Photoshop failing to save the latest Christmas card edit, I started again, then it crashed, losing 2 days’ work! Phil offered to help. “No! It’s secret!” Making dinner, I jumped every time a firework went off outside. Phil tutted: “That’ll happen all night.” “Yes, but it still makes me jump.” Muted colours in soft sunlight disappeared into the grey Sunday. Waking early full of gunk, I gave up sleeping, struggled down and started the Christmas card from scratch until Phil returned with Tales From The Store. Colleagues totally avoiding veggie food, one referred to chickpeas as dirt. It reminded me of Walking Friend’s violent aversion to coriander when we discussed spicy recipes the other week. A sore throat overnight extended into my nose and cheeks Monday. I took echinacea and battled on.

More hospitalisations for flu, covid infections fell. Compass Pathways found psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms lifted depression in 1/3 of severe cases. According to the downloadable bio ‘out of the blue’, Truss ate a pork pie with her favoured tipple the night before resigning – still no mention of Melton Mowbray’s demise! The Cock entered the jungle, ostensibly to promote dyslexia awareness. Called a skiver, embarrassing and disingenuous, incensed constituents weren’t mollified by a hotline to their MP. The whip withdrawn, Bereaved Families’ Lobby Akinnola said the former health sec should focus on the covid inquiry, not ‘a shameless attempt to revamp his image.’ He ambled in to beg forgiveness of gaping contestants and predictably be first in line for bushtucker trials. Those poor animals! On Laura K., Ed Millipede said we hadn’t done enough since the last COP, Diane Johnson said the immigration system was a mess and Oliver Dowdy defended Swellen and agreed The Salesman’s expletive-laden texts to Wendy Morton were unacceptable, but excused them for being sent at a ‘difficult time’. Jerk Berry informed Rishi about the texts the day before he made Gavin ‘Minister without Portfolio’. Standards obviously only applying in good times, Morton referred him to the Independent Complaints & Grievance Scheme. A 10 year old hack told Andrew Neil he was brought in as a fixer as he was good at ‘behind the scenes dark arts stuff’. Transport minister Dick Holden evaded questions on scrapping Northern Poorhouse Rail, saying they had to cut their cloth. As ‘furious as everyone else’ about illegal immigration, he parroted lame excuses for 12 years’ failure.

John Swinney made massive Scottish budget cuts and Morrisons were shutting 132 McColls stores. Slow global growth led to tech job losses. With competition from TikTok, Apple privacy changes and loss of investor confidence concerning decade-long Metaverse plans, Meta would lay off 13% of staff with the recruitment team hardest hit. E-mails told us we could no longer revert to ‘classic’ Facebook and MS would charge for attachment storage – time to purge that in-box! Octopus energy already paying customers to cut peak-time gas use, National Grid started a trial for smart meter customers. BP profits £7bn July-Aug, Just Stop Oil threw orange paint at the Home Office, M15, BOE, and News Corp HQ: the ‘4 pillars that support and maintain the power of a fossil fuel economy – government, security, finance and media’. Trussed-Up having ruined the UK’s reputation and taking longer to regain it, the worst recession for a century was likely to last into 2023. BOE hiked interest to 3%, the most since 1987. Former gov Mark Carney said sterling’s fall and a shrinking economy after Brexit added to ‘inflationary pressure’. Rees-Moggy railed: “To blame…Brexit Is bizarre and only an ultra Remainiac would make such a bogus argument.” No, Moggy, you’re the maniac! Rishi promised a new budget would reveal him as Santa, not scrooge. Yeah, for the rich! On QT, Lord Stuart Rose thought it too late to avoid a long recession. Predicting the new budget would dish out pain, economist Zanny Minton-Bedoes called discounting tax rises and scrapping of the triple-lock mad; everything should be on the table. 60% of the public with a £60 monthly deficit, and 20% with no savings or resilience after 12 years of tory rule, Peter Kyle said it’d be long and painful. The Psycho prated about the wealthiest 1% paying 28% of all tax, thresholds and the minimum wage going up. The audience threw out questions on hungry kids, windfall taxes and the futility of raising interest so we wouldn’t buy stuff that we had no money for anyway. 55% of consumers using credit for Christmas tat, 20% for the first time, 2/5 taking out loans to pay off HP seemed like a bad idea! More talks agreed, rail strikes due early November were called off too late for normal service to resume Saturday or even the next week. With a new offer, the Hull Stagecoach strike was suspended. Scrapping Boris’ daft royal yacht project, Ben Wally said they’d build the MROSS defence ship instead.

In his first interview since resigning, The Bumbler told Sky Vlad would be mad to use nuclear weapons. Attending COP27, Rishi decided to go, allegedly because they’d made good progress on their budget. Not going to Egypt, Kingy held an audience at Buck House. Storm Claudio brought yellow wind and rain from France and flooding round London.

As South East commuters also contended with protestors on M25 gantries, Rishi and Boris arrived in sunny Sharm, the latter with a bevy of teenage girls – did they write his policy? Guterres warned conference action on the ‘defining issue of our times’ was woeful, the clock was ticking and we were on “the last stages of the highway to climate hell, with our foot still on the accelerator.” Activists in Rome showered Van Gogh’s The Sower with pea soup.

Migrants bussed out of Manston described inhuman conditions as some were left at Victoria Coach Station coatless and shod in flip-flops. A kid threw a letter over the fence addressed to journalists. Children’s commissioner Rachel de Souza asked Swellen how many unaccompanied children were in the camp and how were they treated? A ‘deeply concerned’ Diane Johnson (home affairs cttee chair) and 14 council heads wrote to Swellen complaining of its use as an ‘easy fix for a national strategic issue’. Tensions mounting, protestors brandished placards reading ‘Suella’s shame’ and a right-wing backlash threatened. Albanian MP Edi Rama tweeted it was ‘easy rhetoric’ blaming them and on Newsnight, accused the UK of scapegoating, while Rachel Maclean cited ‘unintended consequences’ of the Modern Slavery Act for more boat crossings – err, most victims were British! Ignoring a power outage at Harmondsworth immigrant removal centre where detainees with ‘various weaponry’ ‘rioting’ in the courtyard, met riot police, the BBC alleged Kurdish criminal gangs controlled French camps and paid Albanians to channel-cross to work in the ‘drugs trade’. UK pay 10 times higher, they left their home towns empty. What clap-trap – drug dealers weren’t on regular wages! Minister Graham Stuart admitted Swellen used ‘unfortunate language’. Spotting his nephew on Metro’s front cover, Albanian Arben Halili, travelled from Oxford, tried to get into Manston and blocked a coach leaving the site. Landing in a chinook Thursday, Swellen was booed and journos were banned. Legal action was brought by Detention Action and a woman ‘from outside Europe’ allegedly left at Manston in ‘egregiously defective conditions’ for 3 weeks until allowed to stay with family in the UK.

At PMQs, Rishi was asked what Swellen had to do to resign and who broke the asylum system? Always shifting blame, it could only be the tories after 12 years’ power. Rishi told Keir they were getting a grip but he’d voted against the bill and couldn’t attack a plan and not have one himself. Keir leered, let’s look at that plan: Manston nor Rwanda were working. He’d prosecuted people-traffickers, they couldn’t even process migrants. It was time to scrap gimmicks, get a proper home sec, and get a grip. Rishi wittered about Keir supporting national security risk Corbyn. Blackford harped on about the triple-lock and political choices hitting the poorest hardest – why not take the easy decisions, raise windfall taxes, scrap non-doms, and help the vulnerable? Rishi insisted they supported oil companies to invest. Furious at money spent on housing illegals, a backbencher wondered when it’d be sorted out. Rishi parroted ‘we will defend our borders’. Alba asked if Scotland was a territorial British colony; the argument rumbled on all month.

After Baroness Casey called her report ‘a line in the sand’ and Mark Rowley said it was clear hundreds of Met officers should be sacked, HMICFRS** published findings of sexism and misogyny in several police forces. Inadequate vetting made it too easy for the wrong people to join. Rowley later complained he couldn’t get rid of cops not trusted to speak to the public. Fireworks were thrown at police vans in Leeds and a 17 year old Halifax lad being chased by cops, crashed into a greenhouse and died. Rallying for early elections, ex Pakistan PM Imran Khan was shot in the leg. An alleged assassination attempt, further demos followed.

In a major shake-up, The Arts Council shifted £50m from London to the provinces. ENO funding cut, a restructuring grant helped them relocate to Manchester and Blackpool illuminations got money for the first time – those Red Indians did need replacing! As non-Americans googled it to do a wordle, Cambridge dictionary named ‘homer’ word of the year. ‘Permacrisis’ topped Collins’ list which also included ‘sportswashing’, ‘warm bank’, ‘partygate’, ‘vibe shift’, ‘lawfare’, ‘quiet quitting’, ‘Carolean’ and ‘splooting’.

Nasty Business

Woken prematurely by Phil Tuesday 8^th, I grumbled, dozed, exercised, cleaned and began an Ocado order when the nurse rang an hour early. I griped of complex info on Menopause Matters, and more generally, of having to do it all yourself these days. After clarifying some points. we agreed on low-dose HRT patches, ready to collect next week. Phil hoped I didn’t go loopy like Carole Gammone. “It’s meant to improve your mood; I bet she’s on a high dosage from a dodgy source.” Early Wednesday, I realised the bathroom light was left on overnight, switched it off, then Phil fumbled to the loo, turning it back on. Forecasters repeated it was mild for the time of year but omitted to mention rain. Together with a heavy head and tummy ache, it mitigated against an outing. Phil popped to the shop just in time for a sharp shower. Thursday even wetter, I felt cold. Exhausted from vacuuming when Ocado came, I wryly observed I’d fallen into the trap of buying tiny packs again (I thought the juice trio was cheap!) I shelved a trip to the market and booked a BG service – amazingly lots of slots available, for next Monday. Receiving a letter from the dole saying I qualified for an extra warm homes grant and still diddled out of the full energy rebate, I went round in circles trying to fathom the new Evolve site. Newsnight had featured Evolv’s crap AI weapons detection – was it the same thing? Phil had a funny do with his right eye at work; annoying just as his left one improved. “Do you need an ambulance?” “No; I’ll ring doctors if it gets worse.” “It already is.” “I mean if there are signs of a detached retina.” The Store had finally recruited an assistant manager, meaning a 3-day week – in the short-term. December rosters unset, he was unsure of Christmas shifts, pondered taking leave, but there was no need. Untangling last month’s Westminster shit-show for the journal, I got head fug and turned the laptop off for a 3^rd update in 2 days. Struggling to sleep, I enjoyed hooting owls; much nicer than squawking geese Friday morning. Going to the co-op, a cat scuttling in the undergrowth on the steps startled me. I revelled in mild, fresh air scented by late-blooming Japanese Jasmine until assailed by traffic fumes on the main road. Several items missing from shelves, I asked My Mate could I pay at the kiosk. He advised using the conveyors but asked if I wanted baccy. “Just filters.” “I’m disappointed.” “I got baccy already and meant to buy filters on the market, but the weather was too horrid and I wasn’t up to it after a bad cold. I’ve been nowhere but here for 2 weeks – so depressing!” He sympathised and hoped I’d soon be better. Phil got home to relate previous occupations of store co-workers, including an ex-binman who weirdly started early Thursdays for unpaid work, 2 pub landlords and a video shop owner. “It’s a shit business! Any failed artists?” “I’m not failed.” “It’s a joke! After all, you did sell a print.”

Lenny Henry promoted his new kid’s book on BBC Breakfast Saturday. Asked what advice he’d give aspiring authors, he said if there’s an unwritten book, write it, send it to your favourite publisher, you’re never too old and keep going. I should get back to my novel! Desperate for a walk, we headed through the busy town and through woodlands, buying eggs from a farm in-between. An official egg shortage explained a dearth of them in the shops. Allegedly due to bird flu, supermarkets refused to pay more so farmers chucked them away. I said wasting food in straitened times should be a crime. “What are they meant to do?” “Give them to food banks, take them to market…“ “Some do, hence the honesty box.”ⁱ. As Lidl and Asda rationed eggs, BRC said there were plenty. Phil disturbed my recovery with news of a historic Bradford pub office conversion and Nik Turner dying. “Shit! No more Space Ritual! But I bet the other half of Hawkwind are cheering ‘we got all the money’!” The world hidden behind a nasty fog and condensation combo Sunday, I wiped the dripping windows and researched DIY dehumidifiers. “What about Do Not Eat?” “You’d need tons of it.” Groggy and achy, I amended the Christmas card while Phil went to work. Monday, the fog didn’t lift. Conscious of the BG service, I sprung out of bed and chivvied Phil to help clear passageways. New to BG, the engineer arrived with a mentoring colleague. After 1½ hours poking, they said it did well for an old boiler, advised getting a new carbon monoxide detector and pointlessly adjusting an external pipe – any overflow would go straight down the drain. Getting colder, I changed the boiler settings but having no heat or hot water, thought I’d messed it up. Nope: the stupid men had turned the main switch off!

Covid infections rose in Australia. 800 on the Majestic Princess tested positive. Cases mild or asymptomatic, the cruise ship docked in Sydney while isolated passengers made private travel arrangements.

Tuesday, it emerged The Salesman told a civil servant to ‘slit your throat’. As a Downing Street informal inquiry into the nasty business began, he was gone by evening. Already sacked twice from ministerial posts, this time he jumped before pushed. Laying into Rishi’s ‘poor judgement and weak leadership’, Rayner said it was clear he was ‘strapped by the grubby backroom deals he made to dodge a vote’. Wednesday, Gill Keegan said he had great judgement. At PMQs, Keir asked how bullying victims would feel about the PM’s ‘great sadness’ at losing The Salesman? Rishi insisted he didn’t know specifics and Gavin was right to go. Keir persisted; Rishi normalised bullying by giving Gavin a job and he wouldn’t have got away with it if a weak boss hadn’t handed him power. Did he regret the appointment? Rishi replied ’of course’ he regretted appointing someone who resigned ‘in these circumstances’, adding integrity characterised his government, hence a rigorous process, but also important to deliver for the whole country, he listed his daft priorities. Keir mocked, he couldn’t stand up to a run-of-the mill bully, so he couldn’t stand up to anyone, like Shell, who paid no windfall tax. Rishi itemised Keir’s nay votes, to which Keir said he was against all chaos-creators including those on government benches. On QT, Caroline Green said nurses struck for a better NHS, thus for us all. Steph Flanders added, still experiencing the covid emergency, we must understand their long-term needs. Questioned on the Cock’s bug-eating antics, Emily Thornberry said complacency led tories to think they deserved to rule. Although not self-serving like them and entering public life to make the world a better place, all MPs were tarred with the same brush. Held to account by Ant & Dec instead of the public, evading the covid inquiry and no ethics adviser, Mark Harper promised one soon but admitted they should consider how their conduct looked. Asked if COP was realistic when big emitters weren’t there (i.e., India and China; while gas companies lobbied to be considered green!) Caroline said it was the only game in town and Steph didn’t want to give into fatalism.

Concluding the Grenfell inquiry, KCs highlighted startling government ignorance, incompetence and disregard for social housing tenants. Arconic, Studio E., Exova, Centrex, Kingspan, Kensington Council (failing to inspect door closers), the Levelling Up sec and London mayor making up a rogues gallery, Richard Millett attacked the merry-go-round of buck-passing. Uncleverly called the Aussie trade deal rubbish. Truss-Up obviously the latest scapegoat, he had a point – where were our tim-tams? Also blaming Truss, Kwasi Modo told Talk Radio he warned her she moved at breakneck speed. So much for being in ‘lockstep’! Amazon planned to sack 10,000, including Alexa staff and Tim Martin was shutting 7 more Wetherspoons. Phil and Julie Fox vowed to visit doomed pubs to add to the 295 they’d already patronised including their Halifax local, The Percy Shaw. Fellow Brexiteer Next boss Simon Wolfson said it wasn’t the Brexit he wanted. Tough shit, mister! (see Brexit Islandⁱⁱ). Doing well under lockdown, Made.com struggled with supply issues and went bust. Next bought the brand but not stock leaving customers with unfulfilled orders and no refunds. Next also later teamed up with founder Tom Joules to rescue the colourful clothes brand.

Evil energy companies remotely switched 60,000 to pre-payment without notice. Unaware customers failing to top-up could be disconnection by default – another reason not to have a smart meter!

1.3m using food banks, The Trussell Trust launched their first emergency appeal. A ‘sticking plaster’, they urged government to budget for long-term measures. GDP down 0.2% July-Sept., The C**t harped on about global factors and admitted there’d be a slump, which could be short and shallow if interest stayed low. Refusing to be drawn by Laura K. on its contents, he promised us all pain with his ‘horrible decisions’. Swerving questions on Brexit, an FT economist called it the elephant in the room. Simon Sharma cited rotting cabbages and NHS staff shortages. As they segued into the Remembrance Sunday lark, a Lord Army Major said ceremonies took place in towns and cities around the globe. Port Stanley was hardly an empire! Steve Hawley unearthed ‘Calling Blighty’. The wartime messages from soldiers to families back home, were screened to descendants in Penis Town’s quaint cinema. Doc film ‘A Bunch of Amateurs’ premiered at Pictureville to rave reviews. Why’d we not heard of Bradford Movie Makers, established 1932, when we lived in The City?

The UK-wide RCN ballot closed. The vote not unanimous, nurses in half of English trusts, all in Scotland and NI and all but 7 in Wales, would strike December, not affecting emergency services. Laughingly preparing ‘contingencies’, Steve Barclay said his door was always open for talks. That was the first they’d heard! Gill Keegan helpfully claimed nurses only used foodbanks if they had a broken relationship or boiler. 100,000 PCS Civil servants voting to strike, according to the TUC, 1.5m public sector workers considered doing likewise. M25 protests into a third day, a lorry crashing into a rolling roadblock hurt a cop. On the fourth day, London commuters also contended with no tubes and bus queues. TFL advised travel outside peak times, incredibly starting at 5.45 a.m. (was that all the Deliveroo?) and issued a walking tube map, saying stations were only 10 mins apart; 2 mins in central London, more like. Just Stop Oil ended the protest Friday. Amidst reports of buffet shortages, Uncle Joe told COP27 delegates the “science is devastatingly clear – we have to make progress by the end of this decade.” They agreed a deal to fund climate change damage but not to cut emissions or fossils fuels. Martin Kaiser, Greenpeace Germany, called it a ‘sticking plaster on a huge, gaping wound’. Canberra activists threw blue paint at ‘symbol of capitalism‘, Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans. Talk about missing the point! Rishi went to Bali for the G20. Fearing assassination for weakness, Vlad sent Sergei Lavrov. Vlod pointedly addressed the G19, China criticised the weaponization of food and fuel, and the Cambodian leader tested positive for covid. Meanwhile, Top CIA man Bill Burns met his Russian counterpart Sergei Naryshkin in Ankara, to discuss Yanks held in detention and convey ‘a message on the consequences of the use of nuclear weapons’.

Swellen gave France £8m extra a year for more beach patrols and UK immigration officers in their control rooms. Nitwit Elphicke carped it fell short of what was needed. Admitting it wouldn’t solve the crisis of 40,000 channel crossings, Swellen said it was part of a multi-dimensional approach. Albanian migrants held a demo Sunday, demanding the nasty bitch resign. After Uncleverly told LGBTQ fans to respect Qatari laws at the World Cup, as a ‘massive gay’, Luke Pollard urged he apologise. An official ambassador then said homosexuality damaged the mind. Reports of safehouses being set up, disgraced ex-FIFA boss Sepp Blatter was more concerned Qatar was too tiny to host the competition than human rights or migrant construction worker deaths. Russian troops withdrew from Kherson, destroying comms on the way out of the only regional capital they’d captured during the war. Republicans not faring as expected in US midterms, The Trump said if they did well, it was down to him but if not, it was everyone else’s fault and blamed Melania for advising him to back a loser. This didn’t deter a ‘big announcement’ that he’d re-run for president.

Kingy and Camilla’s cut-price coronation would take place 6^th May 2023, with a third May bank holiday Monday 8^th. On a 2-day Yorkshire tour, they visited Bradford, Leeds, Doncaster and York, where a man shouted this country was built on slavery and chucked eggs at them. On his 74^th birthday, Kingy leant on an oak tree for dumb selfies. Nobody knew if he’d continue the tradition of an official summer birthday. Tuesday, 3 British actors (Tom Owen, Bill Treacher and Leslie Philips) died, as did swingometer inventor David Butler. Paying tribute, Michael Crick said: “For decades (he) was the foremost psephologist in Britain and around the world.” Premier Inn was voted best chain hotel and tatty with a ‘rough and ready feel’, Britannia the worst. Simon Calder rightly argued you could stay in ace places like Scarborough’s Grand.

Unhinged

The bedroom telly came on at 6 a.m. Tuesday 15^th. Jolted awake by the Milkshake theme, I could never find the auto-alarm feature to switch it off but tuned to BBC, it was less raucous when it happened again the next week. Phil learnt on google his hot flush could be down to lifestyle changes. “Doing a work! Your body’s in overdrive trying to make testosterone. Maybe you need HRT too. I’ll ask when I get mine.” I forgot, but bought a few essentials in the chemist, later realising I’d got conditioner instead of shampoo again and spotted hair clippers on an-aisle end. Later in the week, Phil successfully exchanged the hair gunk and bought clippers with myriad attachments. I went home to tut at mill redevelopers messing about on a trial trike – were they unhinged? – and read the HRT leaflet to fret over side-effects. Phil subsequently persuaded me to try it. He agreed opening a window to dispel moisture in Wednesday sunshine was a good idea until the temperature dropped. Cleaning the landing, the tripod stand fell apart. Swearing loudly, I left it in bits and asked Phil if he’d heard me. “Yes; what was it?” “Guess. I think there’s a screw missing.” “I think a screw is missing.” “I just said that!” We discussed a cut-price Christmas and going to Lidl for German treats. “And lobsters,” he offered. “I’m not buying them. Too much faff and we don’t know your shifts. I’m cooking nowt that takes half a day to prepare.”

Due to intimidation and throwing tomatoes at them, civil servants avoided working with Rabid Raab in his previous cabinet roles. Facing two formal bullying complaints, he wrote to Rishi requesting an independent inquiry, then faced Rayner. PMQs covered by a new ‘talking politics’ segment on channel 5, we listened to host Storm trying to be serious and an unhinged Carole Gammone saying such claims were normal in a working environment (in her nasty world!) then tuned to BBC for actual debate. Clive Betts asked if the PM (hobnobbing in Bali) should allow Raab to serve to which he parroted he’d comply fully. Rayner not on top form, asked a question worthy of a toady then followed up with: the G20 supposedly addressing global economics, why did the government drag its feet on taxing massive profits? He spouted the usual codswallop on lower tax gaps and stricter non-dom regs. She retorted the truth was, working people paid the price for tory choices. Where was the UK in the list of the 38 growth countries? As Raab kept schtum, she told him: 38^th; thanks to wrong people making wrong choices. No ethics, no integrity and no mandate, when would a new ethics adviser drain the swamp? Raab refuted all bullying claims including flying tomatoes and said the ’mud-slinging’ was because labour didn’t have a plan. Rees-Moggy chimed in that labour’s bullying record was second to none. On Daily Politics, Bridget Philipson complained Raab ignored labour’s plans for growth and to help with inflation and suppressed wages.

A rogue missile hit Poland, killing 2. Vlod blamed Vlad. In urgent G20 talks, Biden gave Duda’s investigation his ‘full support’ but rather than coming from Russia, was likely shot down by a Soviet-era S300; part of Ukrainian air defences. No indication it was deliberate, paying for a top-up at the co-op kiosk, I overheard a colleague telling someone that was how WW2 started “Let’s not get carried away; it was an accident.” I told My Mate. “On a lighter note, have a good day.” “See you in the bomb shelter.” “Eff off! Pardon my French.” Head fuggy writing, I picked up the guitar for the first time in months. Barely able to remember simple chords, they gradually came back to me. Phil returned with Pueblo baccy – worthy, organic, made by native Americans, bought by woke hippies, and now, him.

Still raining after overnight rain Thursday, I guessed a swollen river would cause consternation. As did The C**t’s budget. Glossing over council tax hikes, he focussed on frozen income tax thresholds costing earners more over time, less help with energy bills from April, windfall tax rising to 35% and extended to 2028, slower public spending rises but more for health, social care and education for the next 2 years (excluding early years, 6^th form and HE), a 10.1% rise in benefits rise and the national living wage to £12.42 from April, and some guff on wind turbines and broadband. Reeves whinged in the ‘Bobby Ewing strategy’ of denying past chaos, ‘old cast members returned as if nothing had happened and it was time the series was cancelled’. Sturgeon griped that austerity had returned. Energy help well short of what was needed, the End Fuel Poverty Coalition predicted 7m still in fuel poverty would be joined by an extra 1.6m. Simon Francis said: “we are already seeing the horrific impact of living in cold damp homes and children…Without the financial support…this winter…the NHS will be overwhelmed and millions will suffer.” Interviewed by Chris Mason, The C**t denied ducking difficult decisions until after the next election. He faced them in a ‘balanced way’, given an upcoming 2 years of recession, but there was a plan and there was hope to ‘get us back to normality’. He’d obviously listened to the BOE who said we’d start ‘getting back to normal’ after the winter gas crisis. Phil laughed at the persistent misguided belief: “Everyone, the IMF etc., say things will never return to normal.” Friday, I discovered a strike by Jacob’s workers. Phil reckoned loads of industrial action wasn’t reported by ‘Pravda’ (aka the BBC). Hunting for Christmas treats in the co-op, random stock occupied the diminished cracker shelf. Amid a tinned peach shortage (nowt to do with Brexit!) I regretted eating one last month, and opted for retro fruit cocktail. Phil rang at the end of his shift. Dank as the sun dipped behind the hill, I eschewed the pub. His latest ‘how shops work’ tutorial entailed the air con system clarting shelves in dust. “You can tell as soon as you walk in if it’s a decent shop or not. “Like the awful Sainsbury’s in the next village?” “Yep. And their new co-op will be Asda soon as they sold them with the forecourts.” Store people from Preston brought new snacks. He bought cheese savouries. “What else did they bring?” “Loads of sweets and salt n vinegar savouries. I pulled a face: “Ooh no!” “You sound like a granny.” “I am 60 you know!” “Join the gammon grannies, saying everything’s disgusting!” “If I do get like that, shoot me.” “I will!” A slight hangover Saturday, I slept in shockingly late (like the old days), posted a blog and considered the Omaze house prize draw. Too pricey, I decided Marbella was full of gangsters anyway and edited the Christmas card while Phil cut his hair. Struggling to settle with a whirring mind at bedtime, I finally dropped off to be roused by him coughing at 3.45. Exhausted and tearful, I blocked out bright light and eventually got a few hours. Despite insomnia and low mood, I gave up lying-in Sunday and found a tumbler stained yellow from Phil drinking turmeric. I complained it hadn’t stopped his cough. About to go for a wander, he was asked to do an extra shift. I whinged of short notice but he countered it was more money with no lifting, and the weather wasn’t great. To be fair, it rained soon after. I went for knobbly market veg and browsed charity shops, getting myself a handbag and him chinos for work (perfect except unhemmed, they needed altering) then nipped in the co-op to wait at the till as a woman filled her bag with luxury items like avocado and prawns. I finished the Christmas card before Phil got home. Entering and exiting the living room several times, he stood peering at the wall calendar. The shifts I’d scribbled on not tallying with the office chart, he decided he was on a late Monday and looked forward to a lie-in. Aware of movement at 7.00 a.m., I rose to find a note saying he was on an early after all. Putting my first HRT patch on, I immediately had a hot flush. Probably not weird, I got on with writing and chores. Shivering all day even in extra layers, when Phil got in, I battened down the hatches and put the heating on. Well, it was 4 degrees out. Work on the journal was interrupted by Tales from The Store. The new assistant manager blobbed twice, then left. Giving some hogwash about the work causing anxiety, they suspected she had 2 jobs. Possibly unhinged, I wondered if they checked references. Phil said hardly anyone did now. “How Stupid!” “Penny wise, pound foolish, that’s today’s capitalists.” “Tell your boss I’ve got a background in personnel and am available for a reasonable consultancy fee!” Back to 4-day weeks, Phil got crumpets with jam as a sop. He asked was I watching the World Cup. “I’m boycotting it.” “I’m not boycotting England games.” “They gave into the armband lark, and those rich pundits complaining of human rights abuses, still taking millions to be there. It’s awful!” “How do you know all that if you’re not watching it?” “From the news. I’m keeping up with the antics. I might change my mind if England reach the final.” I actually caved in before then, which was just as well.

Protesting David Beckham’s £10m ambassador deal, Joe Lycett shredded £10,000 in fake notes. 2 days before Kick-off, Qatar banned venue alcohol sales. Bud tweeted, ‘this is awkward’. At the last minute, FIFA forbid captains to wear ‘one love’ armbands, threatening yellow cards and fines. Home nation fans left at half-time during the first match but official attendance figures exceeded stadium capacity. In support of protestors, Iranian players refused to sing their national anthem. England beat them 6-2, the highest score ever for an opening game. Thousands were locked out due to a FIFA app malfunction. Rainbow bucket hats were taken off Welsh fans and a reporter clad in a rainbow tee was denied entry. FIFA said confiscation of clothing would end Thursday.

New drug Teplizumab could delay the onset of type 1 diabetes for 3 years and lead to better treatments. As a banner flew over the jungle reading: ‘Covid bereaved say get out of here’, crocodile tears had the desired effect and people stopped voting for The Cock to do bushtucker trials. The QT audience wondered if we’d survive 2 years’ austerity. Thicky Atkins disingenuously claimed the effects of Trussonomics had flushed through the system, according to the OBR.

Queried on when they’d re-join the single market and tax the likes of Amazon who’d made a mint during covid, Thicky denied Brexit was to blame, said we should look forward and all countries had the same pressures. Ian Blackford reckoned taxing big companies could raise £11 bn; it was a political choice to make the poor pay. At the CBI conference in Brum, Tony Danker wanted ‘part 2’ of the budget statement, to encourage investment in UK and spark growth. Rishi said ‘wait and see’. He also quashed rumours of a ‘Swiss style’ EU deal, saying Brexit was delivering for the country. His unhinged speech slayed me: “I voted for Brexit, I believe in Brexit…already delivering enormous benefits and opportunities for the country – migration being an immediate one…proper control of our borders…(we can)…have a conversation with the country about the type of migration that we want and need…We weren’t able to do that inside the European Union…” (Yep, that’s going well!) “When it comes to trade…we can open up our country to the world’s fastest-growing markets…I’ve just got back from the G20…talking about signing CPTPP…(becoming) part of that trading bloc, that’s a fantastic opportunity…” (See ‘Brexit island’ⁱⁱ). Guardianistas incensed that Keir wouldn’t reverse Brexit either, the next day, he told business leaders the UK must end dependency on cheap immigrant labour and train our own.

Average pay rises of 5.7% (6.6% for the private sector and 2.2% for the public), didn’t keep pace with the highest inflation for 40 years. 11.1% in October, 11.9% for those on low incomes and 16.2% for food, we couldn’t avoid staples like milk and eggs but we could shun extortionate Heinz ketchup. Hull suffered higher inflation and excess deaths – due to draughtier homes, lower wages, or lower prices to start with? In first-ever talks with the RCN, The health sec swerved pay talk in favour of body-cams and care funding. Pat Cullen retorted: “By refusing my requests for negotiations, Steve Barclay is directly responsible for the strike action this month…Nursing staff don’t want to be outside their hospitals, they want to be inside – feeling respected and able to provide safe care to patients.” Heathrow baggage handlers struck and PO workers announced 10 days’ further action Nov-Dec, including Black Friday and Christmas Eve. Half-year losses £219m, Royal Mail asked government if they could stop Saturday letter deliveries, as the public were indifferent (we couldn’t afford the stamps!) and concentrate on packages; maybe planning to capitalise on Evri (formerly Hermes), again voted worst parcel service. A coroner concluded toddler Awaab Ishaq died from an untreated severe respiratory condition caused by prolonged exposure to mould in his home. The family accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing of racism. CE Gareth Swarbrick resigned, Gove withdrew funding (how did that help?) and a week later, said sorry to tenants still living with fungi. Greenpeace projected a video highlighting fuel poverty onto Rishi’s North Yorks Georgian mansion. Heavy rain brought mayhem to southern villages and roads, Aberdeenshire flooding swept someone into the River Don and Russian shelling left half of Kyiv without power. Finding evidence of explosives near Nord Stream 1 & 2, Swedish prosecutors called September’s leaks ‘gross sabotage’. A major gas supplier to the UK and EU, Norway stepped up surveillance. A 5.6 shallow earthquake along Indonesia’s ring of fire felled houses, blocked roads and killed at least 162. Hundreds of injured were treated amid aftershocks in Java. Artemis 1 finally took off to take a moonikin to the moon. Both Brian Cox’s on BBC breakfast, the actor promoted his new show on how the other half lived and the physicist touted his new book. Building on Stephen Hawking’s work, it was an idiot’s guide to black holes – The universe for dummies!

Broken Britain

Tuesday lunchtime, I proffered Phil a spare finger roll. Mishearing me, he asked was it a fancy foreign thing like Remainers bought in The Store? “Yes, fingerorle authentico!” Falling asleep faster at night, I actually dropped off for 5 mins during a siesta – was it the hormones? As we waited at the sunny bus stop Wednesday, the geese squawked and waddled off the church lawn in unison. Phil laughed at their peculiar communication and related an anecdote of one flying down to the river and unable to fly back up, getting stuck. A quick ride to the next town, all-day brekkies at the market café ate into the time as they were short-staffed and Phil ordered the biggest, which took ages to cook. Disappointingly no thermal socks in Age UK, Phil found a book and DVD. Paying for them to hide for yule, I spotted a tin of smelly miniatures for myself. The discount store and the German supermarket provided the best seasonal goody mission for 3 years. Pleased with our haul, we headed for the bus, letting a polite schoolboy on first. The fast journey back juddery, we thought a spring was broke or, as Phil sang: “the wheels on the bus are not round!”

Brexit putting investors off, OECD forecast the UK as the worst-performing country in the G20 2023 and possibly 2024. Rishi told cabinet we faced ‘a challenging winter’ of strikes, high costs and NHS backlogs. Labour said he took ‘people for fools’ blaming winter and not a ‘decade of tory mismanagement’ for the challenges. Watching PMQs on iPlayer, Keir failed to mention this, declared ‘shame on FIFA’ and asked why we had the lowest growth? Rishi insisted it was the highest since 2010 and the fastest this year, and selected 3 ‘important points’ from the OECD report: growth, international challenges, and support for his fiscal plan, then bragged about putting more into the NHS. An unconvinced Keir railed total denial wouldn’t wash and due to 12 years’ inaction, weeks of chaos and Rishi’s changes, ordinary people had £1400 tax hikes. Ducking queries on how much super- wealthy non-doms were expected to pay, Rishi said labour had years to sort it out, and while they peddled fairy tales and gesture politics, tories protected pensioners. As the Guardian alleged Rishi registered with a private GP, Keir dug in; he’d scrap non-doms to fund doctors so they wouldn’t have to go private. Rishi didn’t gainsay the claim until January 2023. The Supreme Court ruling Scotland couldn’t hold an indy ref without Westminster consent, Ian Blackford maintained with a mandate to deliver a referendum, democracy couldn’t be denied and urged Rishi be honest and admit the idea of the UK union as voluntary, was dead and buried. Now the time to stick together, Rishi respected the court’s decision. Blackford countered, he couldn’t claim to respect the rule of law and deny democracy. Quite! Was Scotland a colony? Would they go to the European court? Olivia Blake asked why an investigation into lives lost in The Channel took so long, adding it wouldn’t have happened if there were safe, legal routes. Rishi inanely said every life lost was a tragedy which was why Swellen was tackling illegal migration (splutter!)

Woken early Thursday by machinery and Phil, I changed the HRT patch, got a hot flush, burps and nausea. After ridding windows of ice-like moisture, I tried expunging mould caused by bathroom condensation with mixed results. Shaking rugs out, a soft toy flew out the window. Luckily, it was retrievable from behind the shed-house. On QT, Andy Bunman advocated local control of skills and a personal approach to getting the inactive back to work. Saying work must pay, Ben Habib (aka Asian Farage) blamed dependency culture and defended Truss as having the right idea on growth but was ‘defenestrated’ by The Treasury and BOE. Citing the Avanti debacle, Bunman said performance had fallen off a cliff and agreed with Rapper Darren McGarvey who likened denouncing the RMT for destroying Christmas to spin on Scargill – it was a tory tactic to always blame workers. The Scottish government allegedly considering making the rich to pay for NHS treatment, Bunman sought properly integrated health & social care and workforce plans to stop agency use and pay staff more. Transport minister Richard Holden backed Rishi going private as he paid tax and could opt back into the NHS – that wasn’t the point! Despite the chair of ACOBA Lord Pickles finding The Cock’s jungle jaunt broke regs (but disciplinary action ‘disproportionate’), they all thought his normality bid had won the public over – Bunman said The Cock wasn’t a bad guy but tories always put themselves first.

Going to the co-op Friday, I swapped updates on a neighbour’s community carers’ job with Phil’s work, over-sharing shop gossip. Using a discount coupon from a leaflet posted through the door, I panicked at the till as a woman breathed down my neck. After extensive research, Phil found the ideal freezer. The search not working on my browser, he sent me a link, then it wouldn’t log me in. Eventually buying the thing, my card was subsequently declined. Satan’s Bank had changed the card so the expiry date was the same but the number different. The microwave clock at zero revealing a power cut, Phil discovered the entire Halifax area was out for 2 hours early Saturday. “Broken Britain! I can’t believe gammons still don’t think tories are incompetent,” he observed. I countered: “They can’t really believe that anymore, but can’t admit they’re wrong and in denial, say it’s better than the coalition of chaos!” Installing advent gubbins, I found a broken candle holder, then hoovered and disposed of recycling, needing to rest before visiting the unadvertised Christmas market – oddly on the same street as The Store, where Phil heard about it. Seeing Counsellor Friend and partner, we joined them to peruse crap crafts and catch up. I learnt her mum died last month (Phil knew and assuming I did, never mentioned it), they were buying a house in the next town and she was planning to top up her pension pot; I advised she didn’t. We waved bye and munched greasy Serbian pies. Past the lit tree in the square and up the pedestrian street, we spotted vacant seats outside The Pub. While ordering, I observed changes since our last visit, pre-covid. Tasty-looking nuts in jars replaced pies on the bar. The servers said the butcher who used to make them, mysteriously stopped and asked if the Serbian ones were good – they weren’t keen on the lubricious aspect. Supping ale, I remarked Counsellor Friend had progressed from being skint to house-buying while we seemed to go backwards. Nothing personal intended, Phil got defensive. I changed tack to muse over people either having no job or three, and the state of the world. Dozy in the gloaming, we went home.

On Laura K Sunday, Jerk Berry concurred with Mark Harper’s ‘getting a grip’ drivel. Hoping the RMT would get a letter Monday, Frances O’Grady welcomed the government’s altered tone, but railed against Broken Britain. After the Barclay debacle, Pat Cullen repeated it was ‘negotiation or nothing’. Prof Hannah Fry agreed problems went back much further than the war or covid.

Phil dreaded a 5-day week. Covering for a colleague’s hospital appointment, he had a late followed by an early again, Not ideal with shifts playing havoc with his body clock, I suggested eschewing more hours but as they forgot he’d volunteered for extra work, he hoped it was a one-off. Trees emitting steam in the cold grey, I stayed in to be disturbed by noisy stone-cutting on the street below, unceasing till dark. I placed an Ocado order and made granola bars. Chopping cranberries and nuts interminable, the stupid electronic scales kept turning off. Exhausted with backache, I checked commemorative coin values to discover we actually had a Brexit 50p – sadly only worth 50p. thanks to the queen dying, Paddington was worth a bit more. Despite a sunny Monday, there was more condensation to deal with. Orange barriers blocking the small steps, explaining the stone-cutting, I took the longer way to the co-op. Very busy for the time of day, a miserable woman shelf-stacking gave me a dirty look. I asked her kinder colleague to pass me an item, grabbed clearance stuff and queued at the till. Phil brought home 2 bagful’s of Milk Tray. Sold to outlet staff for a charitable donation, he planned to eat them, I proposed giving them away – a compromise was made. Accepting the idea of working Christmas and looking forward to a bonus Amazon voucher and mince pies, the manager who hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks, understandably refused to open. I put his shift pattern on the calendar, and ordered Christmas gifts under his nose. The next two days cold and foggy, Tuesday, it didn’t lift. Just after I heard Phil going to work, the landline rang. Drowsy, I vaguely realised it’d be the freezer. At a loud door knock, I shouted and donned a dressing gown, badly. Telling them they were early, the nice delivery men said someone had to be first. I meant by 2 days, not 2 hours! “Where do you want it?” They asked. I indicated the kitchen steps: “Down here if you don’t mind,” “Ok.” “Thanks. The men who delivered our fridge wouldn’t take it down.” “Well, they weren’t as nice as us! You can give us a 5-star rating!!” I forgot to do so. Placing it exactly in the spot I’d cleared, unpacking was a doddle except removing the polystyrene stand. I got an endorphin rush at the shiny smell. Sad I know, but when did I last have anything brand new?

When Phil returned, I asked did he notice anything? “A freezer.” “Well, a box.” “You mean I don’t have to lug it down?” “No. Are you impressed?” “Yes, did you do it.” “Yes, ha, ha!” He settled on the sofa with a groan. “You’re tired. Thought you were finishing at 2 didn’t you?” “Yep.” “I did wonder when you asked last night. How did the granola bar work out?” “Much easier at 6 in the morning.” Siestas disturbed by chainsaws, I stuck earplugs in then they stopped! Channel-hopping to avoid the match build-up, Phil asked: “What’s this crap?” Boycotting among the sportswashing lasting almost 1½ weeks, I relented to watch England beat Wales. Dullness joined by nasty stuff falling out of the sky Wednesday 30^th, Phil thought we were going to The City. “No way! It’s too horrid and I’m knackered from sorting the freezer.” He played with polystyrene packaging and I repurposed it as makeshift insulation against the coldest walls. Keir inexplicably led PMQs on private school donations and blocking new homes. Rishi replied they were aspirational and wittered about labour joining picket lines. Keir went on, every week, the PM handed money to those who didn’t need it, buckled under pressure, and got weaker. Rishi countered he had the same old labour ideas, with more debt, strikes and migration, and was laughed at mentioning control of borders. Ian Blackford wished all a happy St. Andrews Day and 56% polled by YouGov saying it was wrong to leave Europe, fumed about a bill to rip up EU laws racing through, labour trying to outrun tories on Brexit the bugbear of Scottish independence.

At 741, homeless deaths in 2021 reverted to pre-pandemic levels. Immensa’s Wolverhampton lab incorrectly gave 39,000 negative covid results September/October 2021. UKHSA estimated this led to an extra 55,000 infections, 680 hospitalisations and 23 deaths. No immunity and toddlers good at spreading germs, kiddie flu rose 70%. Parents were urged to get them nasal vaccines. China’s zero-covid policy may have led to few fatalities and more growth (at least ‘til this year), but hampering rescues, 10 died in an Urumqi flat fire Thursday. Demos across the country over the weekend, BBC cameraman Ed Lawrence was beaten and arrested during a clampdown Monday. Chinese authorities said he didn’t show his press pass and it was for his own safety so he didn’t catch covid off the masses. UK media described protestors as brave, unlike our own, who were nutters! The Met assuring Londoners they were ready to deal with disruption in the yuletide run-up, Just Stop Oil marched round Trafalgar Square stopping commuters getting to the station. German and English scientists grew a coronavirus in a lab to watch it mutate and American boffins made a universal flu vaccine to blunt the impact of future pandemics. Lecanemab, a new early Alzheimer’s treatment, attacked beta amyloid (sticky gunge build-up in the brain). Costing tens of thousands a pop, it was hailed as a momentous breakthrough. Liam Smith was found shot and covered in acid in Shevington, Wigan. Triggering a health alert, the GMP later told the public there was no risk. Using the Vaccine Taskforce blueprint, Rishi announced £113m for 4 research ‘missions’: cancer, obesity, mental health and addiction. He then told Mansion House he wished to develop the ‘quality and depth of partnerships with like-minded countries’ (USA, Israel, Gulf and Commonwealth states, but not the EU!)

The Warm Homes Prescription Pilot launched December 2021, was extended for patients who got sicker in the cold. Redcar blast furnace was blown up live on BBC Breakfast, making way for a freeport. National Grid immediately cancelled blackout warnings. RAC finding retailers not passing on lower petrol costs, Grant Shatts asked supermarkets to cheapen it. Peter Smith of NEA was ‘disturbed’ utility direct debits went up when customers made huge efforts to reduce use.

E.On admitted it’d be a year ‘til economies were reflected in bills. Food inflation now 12.4%, (14.3% for fresh food), 3 in 10 single parents skipped meals to feed their kids, 3 in 5 students cut back and Oxfam found 35% spent less on Christmas gifts. Cheddar sales falling by £31m, Richard Clothier of Wyke Cheese was ‘extremely worried’. A shortfall of 1m turkeys, 1,840 domestic chickens were abandoned – why not stick them in the freezer to roast? Diggle Village Association defended spending £1,450 installing a tiny living firtree as it worked out cheaper than buying one a year.

GMB said few toilet breaks at Amazon’s new ‘fulfilment centre’ in Wakefield, caused stress to 1,000 workers. No buyer found, Martin Wilkinson Jewellers in Mansfield, likely the oldest in the UK at 228, would shut. According to Link, 114 HSBC branch closures made the total 600. 100 jobs lost and customers forsaken, Unite’s Dom Hook railed, without corporate social responsibility requiring banks to stay on the high street helping the elderly and vulnerable, access to cash and banking would be lost forever. The union were disappointed ambulance staff at only 8 trusts voted to strike. During the latest CWU action, Dave Ward claimed an out-of-depth Royal Mail CE Simon Thompson, not interested in providing a universal postal service, was destroying it. 8% of Avanti and 5.8% TPE trains cancelled on non-strike days, en route to see 5 northern mayors, Mark Harper harped on about modernisation and sorting out the row. Mayors said the meeting was constructive but they needed investment, not warm words. After 2 weeks of talks, the Rail Delivery Group said real progress was made. Not hearing the desired proposals, the RMT announced four 48-hour strikes December-January plus overtime bans over the festive period. Lynch blamed ‘the dead hand of government’ and The Sun headlined ‘The Lynch Who Stole Christmas’. Lynch met Harper Thursday, who said there was ‘common ground’. Scottish teachers and English lecturers walked out. Formal negotiations ongoing in Scotland, Westminster rejected them, so the first 2 NHS strike days were announced as 15^th & 20^th December. Bestfood (owned by Tesco and Booker) workers in Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wagamama, Zizzi and Pizza Express, were balloted. National Coalmining Museum staff accepted a new pay offer, meaning no more strikes after one in October (another hidden dispute!)

Net migration a record ½m, more EU nationals left but 509,000 others included Ukrainians and Hongkongers on bespoke visas, and students. Downing Street declined to give a timespan on reducing numbers. After an inmate died in hospital, Manston processing centre was emptied and detainees moved to hotels across the country. 40,000 living in hotels, HO compulsorily moved others out. PS Matt Rycroft couldn’t tell the home affairs select committee if paying Rwanda £140m was good value. Blaming migrants and traffickers, Swellen admitted they’d lost control of borders and vowed to make ‘sustainable changes’ with 3 decisions per worker per week by next year – currently 0.6 a week, it wasn’t feasible. Unable to describe legal routes, she stammered that if you arrived in the UK you could apply for asylum. Having to step in, Matt said people could apply to UNCHR but this option wasn’t available in all countries. Coop spluttered that an out-of-depth Swellen didn’t even know her own policies. Harem Ahmad Abwbaker was arrested for 27 channel drownings November 2021. The Marine Accident Investigation Branch found they’d reached UK waters. 3 stowaways from Nigeria were discovered on a ship’s rudder in The Canaries.

After beating Argentina at the World Cup, Saudi Arabia declared a national holiday. The favourites were out by the end of week. About to play Japan, the German team covered their mouths to signify they’d been silenced. Home-nation Qatar were eliminated, Iran were booed singing their national anthem, but after goalie Wayne Henderson got the first red card of the tournament, beat Wales. World Cup chief Hassan al-Thawali estimated 500 workers died building stadia. Officially 3, we’d never know the real figure. Round-the-clock efforts reconnected 80% of Ukraine to essential water, electricity and heating. Olena Zelenska got a standing ovation as she thanked the UK parliament for support and asked them to lead a special tribunal. The EU wanted the UN to head the tribunal. Stewart Rhodes of right-wing Oath Keepers was convicted of sedition for the Washington Capitol attack 6^th Jan 2021. A Walmart manager killed 7 colleagues and himself in Chesapeake, Florida.

Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac and Wilko Johnson died, for real this time. Irene Cara known for singing ‘I’m Gonna Live Forever’, didn’t. In UK census results, only 41% of Leicesterians identified as white. Christians a minority for the first time, more people had no religion, and an extra 1m were Moslem. A fungi project found rare species in fields at The Crags. A 3^rd-5^th century Roman villa complete with ash in the fireplace and mosaics depicting Homer’s Iliad, was unearthed in a Rutland field. Resembling Toy Town on a bigger scale, York traders complained the St Nicholas fair took their business away. We noted the Christmas market mark-up. A car drove through Kake temptations’ window in Batley. The driver really needed cake!

*Permacrisis – an extended period of instability and insecurity

**HMICFRS – His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: Hepdene Rose | Cool Places – Our Back Yard (wordpress.com)

ii. Brexit Island: Brexit Island – Home | Facebook

Part 102 – Happy Anniversary?

“The question for us now is to be or not to be… now I can give you a definitive answer. It’s definitely yes, to be” (Volodymry Zelensky)

Years And Years

Getting off to an iffy start, there was much to do before our trip the first weekend of March. Assailed by a cold wind despite the sunshine on the way to the station, I noted trees felled by recent storms and strange amber leaking from stumps in the park. Collecting train tickets, I found a seat reservation in the machine and handed it to the booking office. Whoever left it behind wouldn’t be happy on the day of 3.9% train fare hikes, the biggest for 9 years. The Bus Recovery Grant was extended to October in what the DoT called ‘the final tranche of pandemic-related support to operators’. As the March 1^st marked the start of meteorological spring, St. David’s’ day and Shrove Tuesday, we celebrated the latter with a variation on Mexican pancakes. Butternut squash was a great addition even with the extra cooking.

A scratchy throat overnight, I was tempted to stay abed Wednesday but didn’t. I posted the last journal entry before a break, packed a case and opened the top bedroom cupboard searching for a bag when the curtain pole clattered to the floor! At least it didn’t land on my head this time. Lacking the energy to get cross, I exclaimed in mild annoyance. Phil agreed the stupid changeable weather was to blame and allowed more time for new plaster to dry before reinstalling the pole, temporarily pinning the curtain up.

Ukrainian Ambassador to the UK Vadym Prystaiko got a standing ovation from MPs at PMQs. Applause not normally allowed in the commons, Lindsay Hoyle made an exception for ‘his excellency’. Ukraine ambassador to the USA, Oksana Markarova guested at the State of the Union address, where Uncle Joe said Putin had ‘no idea what’s coming’, but republicans whinged the latest sanctions were too little too late.

Thursday, I texted The Researcher with thanks for the coffee and ideas for exhibition venues, deleted a pile of dross e-mails and booked places on a free workshop (part of the arts festival) before shopping. In nasty grey drizzle, red water flowed downstream and sand edged the road – was there flooding? A ruddy-faced driver testily informed me the pavement was on the other side. I shouted back: “Thanks Mr. Bleeding Obvious!” Phil later said I should’ve yelled ‘eff off, gammon!’ The market crap, I got a few items in the convenience store and walked back on the main road, tricky with barriers on the pavement, and spotted a woman I knew from art classes. A fellow walker, she read my Valley Life articles and I suggested she might also like the workshop. She said maybe we’d meet for a walk one day but as we’d pledge to do that years ago, I didn’t hold my breath.

Giving into pressure, IOC banned Russian and Belarussian athletes from the Paralympics. The port of Kherson was the first Ukrainian city to fall to invading troops. A tank convoy edged towards Kyiv, Russian schoolkids got a lesson on why NATO was evil and Serge again threatened global nuclear war. Did someone say 1984? In the latest conflagration in the Bradford district, Dalton Mills, Keighley was destroyed.

Cloudy again Friday, at least it was dry. Going to the station, Phil’s case handle fell off. I pointed out it wasn’t zipped at the bottom to which he retorted that wasn’t his immediate problem. “It is if all your clothes fall out!” Glad we weren’t going to Chester as that train was cancelled, ours was on time for a scenic ride. The sun emerged as we approached The Fylde and stayed thus for most of Phil’s birthday weekend, which was a first for off-season in Blackpool (see Cool Places 2ⁱ).

Quite a struggle to be out of the apartment Monday, we just made it by checkout time. I paused in the garden to re-distribute weight in a heavy rucksack when the landlady appeared. Enquiring after our stay, I mentioned Phil’s birthday. “21 again?” she asked wryly. Back in our home town, it felt years since we last walked the canal, especially as changes were afoot at the lock. The house freezing and Phil hangry, we hurried to reheat Lancs pasties. I began unpacking (but didn’t finish till later in the week), took rubbish out, uploaded photos and rested. Metro not downloading, I suspected Northern Rail wi-fi had messed up the internet connection. Almost asleep on unbelievably achy legs, it took some time to get any sleep.

According to John Hopkins University, 6 million people worldwide had now died of Covid and many suffered from shrunken brains. Grey matter decreased by up to 2%, making complex tasks harder but training could help. Weekend promises of ceasefires unfulfilled, Russia continued to shell Ukrainian cities, deliberately killed civilians and announced so-called safe corridors to Russia and Belarus – were they having a laugh? Amidst what the UN refugee agency called ‘the fastest-growing refugee crisis in Europe since WW2’ (1 million so far), UK government rhetoric unsurprisingly proved to be a load of crap as no visas were available at Calais, leaving evacuees stuck in France. HMRC withdrew the winding up order so Liberty Steel stayed open, but the long-term future remained uncertain. The Doncaster Great Drain Robbery was solved when cops stopped a car full of manhole covers after a tip-off.

As I hadn’t worn a mask the whole weekend, I didn’t bother in the co-op Tuesday. It wasn’t very busy anyway. I saw an old art teacher who told me she had a new studio near the canal. Saying it was freezing, she advised waiting for warmer weather to pop in. On the way back, a quartet of geese sat on the street below. A Woman smoking a fag on her doorstep guessed they expected food.

Volodymyr Zelensky historically addressed The Commons via live video-link from Kyiv, quoting Shakespeare and paraphrasing Churchill. To his pleas, Boris reiterated they couldn’t impose a no-fly zone but sanctioned more Russian oligarchs including Abramovich a couple of days later. Chelsea FC in limbo, Phil uncharitably hoped they’d go bankrupt before the end of the season.

Slightly iffy on Wednesday, I stayed in to edit Blackpool photos, posted a haiga and watch PMQs. Keir asked about a U-turn on energy costs and windfall taxes, and others queried the number of Ukrainian refugees allowed into the UK – 1,000 was pathetic when other countries had accepted tens of thousands. Why did they insist on normal visa checks and put an extra processing centre in Lille of all places? We agreed Nasty Patel was not just evil but also incompetent. “Not for nothing is she called Pritti Hopeless!”

Decent sleep three nights running, I felt cheerier on Thursday until I remembered leaving an annoyingly slow laptop to update and waited years for it to spark up so I could write. Phil fixed the bedroom curtain pole. Plagued all day by a whiny crane wince, siesta time was even less effective than usual.

Previously unhit eastern and western Ukrainian cities were bombed as Antalya hosted the highest level ‘peace talks’ so far. Serge told a pack of lies and wouldn’t settle for anything less than total surrender. Reports of deliberate targeting of maternity and children’s hospitals and use of thermobaric bombs emerged. Heineken, Starbucks and Coca Cola ceased trading in Russia. Phil’s Shitterstock questions were all war-related with Ukrainians asking how to get cash and Russians asking how to pretend they weren’t Russian!

Friday was warm enough to ditch leggings under jeans for the first time of the year, but it didn’t last. I found a mislaid curtain ring in the bedroom so Phil took them down yet again! The co-op busy, I navigated round dithering gammons, sighed at gaps on shelves and gasped at the price of filters. But I did get £4 off groceries with a member’s offer.

Global Covid rates fell by 5% on the previous week and deaths by 8%. But they rose 46% in the Western Pacific. Overcome by omicron, Hong Kong had 150 deaths daily, prompting mass quarantine. Caused by the infectiousness of sub-variant B.A2, more mixing and waning boosters, ONS revealed a week-on-week rise for the first time since January across the UK. Highest in Wales at 1:13 people, Scotland had the most ever at 1:18. Up mainly in the over 55’s, hospital cases rose 9%. With no scientific justification to boost the healthy, WHO DG Tedros Adhamon bade rich countries send vaccine to Africa.

At the weekend, I baked banana cake, posted blogs and wrote a haiga. Roused by sparkling skies Sunday, I got ready for a walk, stepped outside and declared the wind too biting. The trellis had blown down again. Phil was fixing it when next-door-but-one told him Elderly neighbour had died. Obviously at ‘end of life’, at least her husband was prepared for it. Unwilling to disturb him, I posted a card through the letterbox and potted salvaged veg ends. Phil popped to the co-op, helped with some clearing up then abandoned me to sit on the kerb watching footie on his phone – Leeds won for a change.

Monday sunny with a delightful breeze, I hung washing on the line and headed out to see the woman next door burning paper in her garden. The smoke blew straight at my sheets. Phil joked she was destroying spy code. It turned out to be personal documents and I offered use of our shredder in future. She then waylaid me discussing the deceased neighbour and the war. Versions of events from her Polish relatives straying into conspiracy theory territory, I extricated myself. Walking Friend appeared behind me at the co-op till, visibly pained with neuralgia from vicious moorland wind. “Well, if you will go hiking in all weathers!“ We arranged to go for lunch Wednesday. Late afternoon, Phil took his camera to town but the decent light gone by then, he just went to the shop.

Over the weekend, Russia widened bombardment to Ukrainian cities previously considered safe. The UK government announced The Homes For Ukraine Sponsorship Scheme wherein you got £350 a month to host refugees. But you had to know them so they could get visas. Lisa Nandy likened the hair-brained plan to a dating app. “They’ll do anything apart from take action themselves! Utterly useless!“ I spluttered. Phil reckoned it was a ruse for Boris’ mansion-dwelling mates. Foisted on NGOs with no time to prepare or do proper checks, charities called it a shambles. The Refugee Council were concerned by red tape, resourcing and safeguarding issues. Nevertheless, 122,000 Brits had signed up by Thursday. Amid speculation of using oligarch’s empty properties, London Makhnovists squatted one in Belgravia owned by Oleg Deripaska. Russian TV editor Marina Ovsyannikova ran on set with signs reading ‘no war’ and ‘they’re lying to you’, risking 15 years jail. 44 migrants drowned crossing from West Africa to The Canaries in a dinghy.

No Celebrations

Walking long overdue, we left the house aimlessly on Tuesday, puzzled at weird shiny stuff round empty recycling bins and rescued a useful-looking grill-type device before going up the ancient cobbles to the upland village and down through woodland, spotting several spring wildflowers in the shape of celandine, snowdrops from which an early bee grazed, and curious larch blooms (see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

Compulsory jabs for care home workers in England were scrapped and Sturgeon announced Scottish restrictions would go as planned 21^st March, except face-coverings. In a show of support not endorsed by the EU, Polish, Czech and Slovenian leaders travelled by train to Ukraine.

Preparing for lunch out with Walking Friend Wednesday, she made me jump knocking as my back was turned. Too chilly and damp to sit outside the tearooms, we occupied an indoor table close to the service shelf. I flinched every time staff clattered crockery. Over mini-brekkie selections, we discussed the street art and starlings of Blackpool, her recent walks, and The Poet’s 75^th birthday which I’d missed due to illness. Debating my recent mask-ditching while the Scots decided to keep them, BA.2 was on the rise and latest research suggested waning protection from jabs, I rationalised that I rarely went to pubs and never to crowded places. I nipped in the sweet shop for cough drops and a chuckle over falling asleep at work (a labour lord was scolded for snoozing during a debate). We perused a new display in the Town Hall, learning about a flood plain which preceded the town centre – that explained a lot. In Boots, I managed to pick up conditioner instead of shampoo – why did they make the packaging nigh-identical? Weary and sodden, I trudged home. In the evening, I re-arranged the Manchester trip, placed an Ocado order and donated to DEC for Ukraine. That night, a whirring mind and a bright almost-full Worm Moon hampered sleep. I eventually dropped off using the meditation soundtrack and woke in early grey gloam with achy arms.

Russia bombed the historic theatre in Mariupol. Of 1,300 civilians sheltering in the basement, 300 were subsequently found dead. Putin ranted about ‘unpatriotic’ Russians who lived abroad chomping foie-gras, calling them scum and traitors. Did that include his daughter with her London mansion? After 6 years imprisonment, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe and two others returned from Iran. The government had finally paid the tank debt. Why didn’t they do it years ago?

Exhausted and heavy-headed from lack of sleep, I forced myself up Thursday. Watching news, Phil commented emotive words concerning the war were nauseating. I replied it caused me deep-down sadness and considered taking in a refugee but we agreed it wasn’t feasible; charity donations would have to do. As I hung washing on the line, the neighbour from the end toddled past on sticks, making progress after a hip operation. As a shower descended, she advised leaving the laundry out while I went to the market. On my return, Phil was heading for Leeds.

Three weeks since all restrictions were lifted, covid infections rose by 68% in our region within a week. Leeds Prof Mark Harris said ditching masks was premature and when free testing ended, we’d have no way of tracking the virus. Andrew Lee of Sheffield wasn’t unduly concerned about BA.2; although more infectious, deaths stayed low. Meanwhile, New Zealand would admit jabbed Aussies from 12^th April followed by travellers from other visa-waiving countries 1^st May. BoE raised the interest rate to .75% and P&O sacked 800 staff via zoom, replacing them with agency workers. Dubai owner DP World said they’d lost £100 million during the pandemic (even after tons of government money for furlough) and the ferry company wasn’t viable in its current state. As armed guards came to escort them off ships, seafarers on the Pride of Hull mutinied. The RMT and MPs decried the action and government said they’d look into its legality – surely they knew it was illegal! Ed Millipede attended weekend demos and Mick Lynch claimed foreign agency workers got a derisory £1.81 per hour. It took 10 minutes for Ben Wally to realise a call purportedly from the Ukrainian PM, was actually Russian spies – what a doofus!

On QT, Ukrainian MP Lesia Vasylenko was very civil about the lack of military help, thanked the British public for their support and requested we stop buying goods from companies still operating in Russia, including M&S. I considered amending my Ocado order but didn’t get round to it. Lord Frosty Gammon complained to Newscast that namby-pamby liberals rendered decision-making difficult. He didn’t mention the Festival of Brexit, which was apparently underway all over the place. He patently saw no reason to celebrate.

After another bright night complete with a high moon, frosty roofs sparkled in sunshine Friday morning. Phil said the ‘Pageant Master’ on BBC Breakfast sounded more like a fantasy film character than organiser of the queen’s anniversary celebrations. In the co-op, I found bacon in the corner where pizzas used to live – had it been there all along? Shocked at the cost of baccy, I asked at the kiosk if I’d missed the budget. The cashier replied the prices changed weekly. I’d never heard that before! At least I had another £4 coupon towards the groceries. Phil came to help carry and giggle at a gaggle of geese squatting on the street below. A friend’s mum soaking up rays outside her house reckoned they picked at moss between the cobbles rather than waiting to be fed.

ONS figures showed 1:20 Brits had covid week ending 12^th March. 1:14 in Scotland, they had the most hospitalisations ever, but Sturgeon went ahead relaxing measures from Monday. All remaining covid travel restrictions were scrapped from 4.00 a.m. UK-wide, with contingencies for ‘extreme circumstances’. Lviv, the main exit point for refugees and entry point for aid, was pounded. So on the anniversary of annexing Crimea, which Putin celebrated with a rally, there was no such thing as a Ukrainian ‘safe city’. RT’s UK licence was revoked.

Attempting to prevent Saturday hangovers, I’d bought low alcohol wine but wobbly and phlegmy on Saturday, I blamed the histamines in the sickly sweet concoction. Phil reckoned it’d be nice in summer with ice. I saw a notice on Elderly Neighbour’s Facebook page. The funeral would be at a faraway crem. Sunny but windy, Phil said he was going for a walk but I didn’t feel up to it after being out twice during the week leading to severe tiredness. I washed the bedroom curtains we’d taken down last month and hung them on the line, disposed of a dead rubber plant and used the pot for an oversized money plant. The job was prolonged, partly by ridding the soil of weird green stuff and by the whipping wind. I crouched in a sunny corner when a huge gust blew a pile of dead leaves in my face! The recent widower thanked me for the card as he walked his dog past. I said it was impractical for us to go to the crem but we’d go to the more local wake. Before putting the pot back on the hearth, I decided to clean it. Taking all afternoon, it left me slightly out of breath which I suppose was good and with backache, which wasn’t. Phil went to look for rooks. He found none in the park busy with a football match or in town rammed with drinkers, tourists and a window shopper commenting: “it’s like that programme Money for Nothing!”

A bit groggy on the equinox, it wasn’t as bad as on the low-alcohol plonk. Phil unusually drank water. “It must be summer!” “No, but it is officially spring.” Tempted by the sun, I took photos of delicate flowers in our window box before we headed for the park, where families ate ice cream and teenagers picnicked. Resplendent blossom marked the start of a blooming good walk, past creamy daffodils near the station, magnificent blackthorn on the country lane and showy garden shrubs. In the next village’s refurbished co-op, we got 3 for 2 snack foods. The cashier asked did we need to pay for fuel? I should have said did we look like we had a car? Famished, we hurried up to the canal to sit on a bench overlooking the lock and stuff grub in our gobs before dogs mugged us for it. Returning home, we detoured off the towpath to explore a path over a small bridge and wondered at totems to Odin at the moorings (see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

I went up early to apply massage oil to a stiff, painful shoulder. Sympathising, Phil rubbed it far too hard. The now waning moon appeared like a squishy orange in the inky cold night sky.

Mariupol a wreck, 10 million Ukrainians had fled the country, and there were claims some were forced into gulags. Boris lambasted for comparing their stand against Putin to Britons voting for Brexit, Rishi Rich distanced himself: “people can make up their own minds”, he said on Sunday Morning (not for the first time). He proceeded to mouth a pile of platitudes on fuel prices and the cost of living.

A hard frost at first, Monday warmed up slightly then turned cold and dull in the afternoon – so much for the lovely spring weather! Getting back to spring cleaning, I tackled the ‘kitchen island’, cluttered with empty jars and spider crap. I asked Phil to help scrubbing the back wall. He said he was busy. “I know. I’m only asking for a bit of help.” He obliged later. During breaks from the tedious chore, I posted a haiga, hung washing out, got rid of rubbish, booked train tickets for Manchester, messaged our friend the details and worked on blogs but had to give up with head fug.

Covid cases still rising, spring boosters were offered to over 75’s and vulnerable over 12’s. Prof Kirby nicked my line from October 2020 ‘I predict a riot’ if lockdowns were re-imposed (see part 32).

Death And Taxes

Frost-free and hazily bright on Tuesday, a bee buzzed in through the window crack in the bedroom. Phil shooed the persistent blighter out. As I urged him to bathe, he replied: “I will when I’ve done this work.” “You’re always working.” “I was very busy yesterday.” “You have to wash and eat!” Off to collect tickets again, I was frustrated by traffic on the main road, took short-cuts to the park and zigzagged to avoid loiterers. At the station, I asked a member of staff about swipe machines – not for oyster-style cards as hoped, but flexi season tickets. I whizzed round the co-op and asked my namesake at the till for a replacement ‘bag for life’ to be told they didn’t do them anymore. Instead, she gave me a compostable one, which ought to be free. “You should be glad we’re not doing plastic.” “Yes, but they’re reusable, not single-use. And why do we have to pay for bags that aren’t plastic?” What a swizz!

As the fall in covid deaths stalled, I read about Deltacron. The hybrid of Delta and Omicron arose in France mid-February, and there were 60 logged cases so far, spreading to Holland, Denmark, the US and UK. Cases in the Latter two varied from European mainland versions, suggesting multiple re-combinations.

Another greyly polluted day in the valley, I woke later on Wednesday and briefly felt the benefit of extra sleep. On finding a net bag of damp socks, I railed at never-ending chores. Downstairs, I had another fit at buried Ocado bags, dug them out before the delivery arrived and watched PMQs followed by Rishi’s spring statement. Sacked P&O workers were belatedly offered severance pay, which would entail losing rights. Boris reported they possibly acted illegally and could face fines of hundreds of millions. Keir said if he wasn’t all mouth and no trousers, he’d do something about it. Quite! There was no ‘possibly’ about it! Inflation for February at 6.2%, and National Insurance going up in April, Rishi Rich announced the threshold would rise by £3,000 from July and basic rate Income tax would fall 1% in 2024. He took 5% off fuel duty and abolished VAT on insulation, heat pumps and solar panels and green energy company tax. The household support fund for Local Authorities was doubled. Billed as a giveaway, Paul Johnson of IFS said it only benefited rich pensioners and landlords. There was certainly nothing in it for us. Tax increases disguised as cuts, Rachel Reeves likened it to Alice in Sunak-land. And what did he mean the ‘work starts today’? they’d had 12 years! The Bumbler later hinted at more help with the cost of living in autumn.

Cleaning the bedroom I found more dust lumps on the bedroom. Phil reckoned they went up in warmth and descended in cold. So it was bits of us! Further hampered by assorted stuff falling on the floor, I got exhausted and narky. After lunch, I tried writing but head befuddled, speculated on going outside. As it became even hazier, I lost the will. I retired early for a bath which failed to help with sleep or an achy shoulder. Unable to still my mind, the meditation soundtrack sent me into intermittent slumber.

The second anniversary of the announcement of lockdown #1 was marked by a noontime minutes silence for over 188,00 UK deaths, and buildings turning yellow. Poland wanted a NATO peace-keeping force in Ukraine which Serge said was asking for war. Madeleine Albright died of cancer, aged 84.

Despite the lack of sleep, I was determined to make the overdue trip over to Manchester on Thursday. Unrecognisable and infested by students, it was a good job the main streets were in the same place! We had a lovely day involving culture, photography and meeting an old friend. Supping at her ‘local’, we caught up on news and experiences of covid. She became upset discussing deaths of close ones, for which I was sorry. Saying goodbye, I experienced the first hug with a friend in over 2 years! (see Cool Places 2ⁱ).

Having grazed on convenience food all day, I relished leftover bean salad for dinner. They didn’t seem to eat veg in Manchester! Exhausted, I tried to still my churning mind by concentrating on the hooting of an owl when the stupid generator started droning. The mediation soundtrack allowed a few fitful hours.

On QT, Mark Serwotka of PCS, said Rishi’s inadequate response showed he didn’t know, understand or care. Dom 2 Jollies called him an alien and the stupid photo-op wherein he borrowed a car and struggled to swipe a card, demonstrated he was out of touch. Lemon-sucking Demon Hinds tried to defend the awful government. Lisa Nandy yelled that not a word he said was true. An audience member echoed my question on why refugees from different countries were tret differently? Why not sponsor an Afghan? “Cos they don’t pick cabbages!” Phil answered. P&O boss Paul Hebbletwit admitted they broke the law not consulting as unions wouldn’t have sanctioned the fire and re-hire but claimed Grant Shats knew of the plot in November. Mark insisted the practice allowed on the statute books by the tories, stop now. Later, Shats and Boris called for Hebbletwit to go and pledged to close the loophole in the law so companies operating from UK ports paid minimum wages. Ships subsequently seized at, Shats belatedly wrote to P&O demanding they reinstate sacked workers. Hebbletwit refused.

Rudely woken by canal engineering works early Friday, I felt unrested and drifted off frequently during the day. Decorating Neighbour’s car idled outside the house. He told me the battery was crap. “If I die of pollution I’ll know who to run to!” I joked. When I came back from the co-op, we chatted while he washed the car. Observing I looked tired, I related our trip to Manchester. He’d not been since the Arndale Centre was built! A young woman stuffed flyers in letterboxes, informing us of a nearby shoot for Happy Valley 3. We shared sightings of Sarah Lancashire and locations of previous series. “Never mind that. When The Gallows Pole comes out, it’ll be rammed” I warned.

After the Finnish PM said Boris lived in ‘Brexit la-la land’, a clip emerged of The Bumbler at a Brussels meeting isolated from other leaders. NATO members pledged troops to reinforce eastern flanks, but not to do more within Ukraine. EU figures showed 3.5 million refugees, 2.2 million in Poland. Ukrainian ombudsman Ludmyla Denisova said 402,000 were taken to Russia against their will. Not disputing the figure, the Kremlin claimed they were ‘relocated’ from Donetsk and Luhansk.

Waking early Saturday, Phil was discombobulated as the clocks had already gone forward in his head. Covid rates rising across the UK except Northern Ireland, Dr. Chris told BBC Breakfast there were less hospitalisations and fatalities because of herd immunity. Protection waned but vaccines still guarded against severe illness. I felt vindicated on my mask-ditching. I continued cleaning outside to discover a metal plant stand overgrown with ivy which took ages to extricate. Phil came out to sit in a patch of sun, do tiny work, sweep up and spot wild garlic sprouting in a pot.

Using this as a gauge, I ignored Sunday wobbliness to forage. After a hard climb up, we selected sparingly from the early growth. The clough now popular with guardian families, a small child sniffed the fragrant leaves and rubbed his tummy but his parents vetoed picking. Coming back down, small yappy dogs switched from paddling in the stream to harassing us. As I froze with fright, the owner said: “They’re alright.” “Well, I’m not!” I retorted. He obligingly brought them to heel so we could continue unimpeded.

On the anniversary of the enforcement of lockdown #1, 200,000 schoolkids were absent with covid. Taking belated offence at a GI Jane joke levelled at his wife, Will Smith hit Oscar host Chris Rock. As the academy dithered about whether to withdrawal his award, Smith gave a tearful acceptance speech, went partying and made a half-hearted apology. Headlining for days, the stunt overshadowed celebrations of diversity.

Oversleeping Monday, we were fuddled and slightly ailing. I complained of dusty layers in the box room, prompting Phil to hoover. I tackled life admin and small chores, getting distracted rearranging pots on the garden wall and discovered new flowers on the tiny plants from Christmas. Curlews wheeled in the early dawn light Tuesday. I worked on the journal and went on errands with mixed results.

Dodging marauding schoolgirls, I got nowt in the convenience store or Boots but enjoyed a good whinge in the sweet shop at soaring prices and found lampshades in the homeless charity shop. That evening, we spent ages trying to find The Ipcress File on ITV hub. After convoluted sign-in and searching, it couldn’t be found on the smart TV, even though it appeared on the website. We gave up and watched Netflix instead.

After extending Partygate interviews to 100 more revellers, The Met issued 20 fines. More to follow, Number 10 maintained Boris didn’t mislead parliament saying no rules were broken, even though this proved they were. Rayner railed: “After over 2 months of police time, 12 parties investigated and over 100 people questioned under caution…Downing Street has been found guilty of breaking the law.” The next day, Keir asked Boris at PMQs if he should resign and Rabid Raab suggested the law had clearly been breached but that didn’t mean his boss lied. A year since they began painting hearts on the wall, Hannah Brady of Covid-19 Bereaved Families accused the PM’s team of ‘regularly and blatantly’ breaking “the same rules that families across the country stuck with even when they suffered.” Peace talks resumed in Turkey. Abramovich again attended the negotiations. As it emerged he’d fallen ill at earlier meetings along with two Ukrainians, poison in the drinking water was blamed. Losing patience with NATO, Vlod hinted at pledging Ukraine’s neutrality in exchange for security guarantees and discussions over Crimea, while Russia said they were scaling back operations around Kyiv and Chernihiv to concentrate on Russian-speaking areas. Some saw glimmers of hope but others just more lies. Saudis blamed Houthi rebels for ‘jittery’ oil supplies.

Wednesday, Elder Sis got her MBE at the palace. The photos she sent blurry, better versions appeared later on Facebook. I got my brother to re-add me to the family group, even though I hated WhatsApp. Preparing for Elderly Neighbour’s wake, it started sleeting. “I’m not walking in that!” We waited at a freezing cold bus stop, alarmed at an odd kid doing strange moves under the shelter. I tracked the journey on google maps but the driver went so fast, I lost track and overshot the cricket club. Flakes blowing in our faces, we walked briskly along the road, through a little gate and across the pitch. We knew nobody in the clubhouse except The Widower. Where were all the other neighbours? We grazed the buffet, looked at photos and hovered to say hello. The Widower claimed not to know half the people either. Short speeches and a note from Adrian Lester followed. Coincidentally at the palace too, I wondered if he met Sis. The ice broken, we chatted to grandkids and a couple from Manchester. Describing our recent visit, they said they never went into the city centre. The snow seemed to stop and as a bus sailed past meaning a half hour wait for the next, we took shank’s pony using a shortcut to the canal we’d seen a woman use. Over a funny stone bridge spanning the river, moorings were bedecked with flowers and a mixed duck paddled: “Mandallard!” we declared. It soon resumed snowing so we rushed on, sheltering briefly under bridges.

Pat Valance told the S&T committee the current covid peak might be ending but with more deaths and the threat of potentially more severe variants, the road ahead was ‘lumpy and bumpy’. NAO reported £3.2 billion spent on unsuitable PPE and £700 million on storing it. Meg Hillier urged government to “get a grip.” Credit card debt rose to £1.5 billion in February. Forecourts failing to pass on fuel duty reductions, 10,000 consumers signed a petition to cut it by 40%. Fizzog uncovered at Prince Philip’s memorial service, Sturgeon was accused of hypocrisy as she extended mask-wearing in Scotland until Easter.

A snowy scene Thursday prompted Christmas jingles. Facing the window doing exercise, the sky visibly changed from grey to blue. The snow melted by noon but followed by more wintry showers, I submitted to the cold and put the heating on advance before the increased price cap kicked in.

The day before mass free testing ended in England, YouGov found 13% had never taken one and 45% still wore masks – more like 10% by my estimation. 179,000 schoolkids, 9% of teachers and 3% of hospital staff had covid, the most since January. Hospital cases the highest since February, numbers on ventilators stayed low. GDP grew 1.3% in the last quarter of 2021. Gas websites crashed as customer tried to input metre readings before the disgusting hike in the price cap and standing charges – what did that have to do with the price of fuel? Putin threatened to cut supplies of unfriendly countries who didn’t pay in roubles. Hartley-Brewer was incredibly the only one who made sense of the war or gas prices on QT. On the last Newscast before she changed jobs, Laura K interviewed Rishi Rich. Claiming: “I know it’s tough yah!” he said it wasn’t acceptable to target his wife whose dad owned Infosys which allegedly invested in Russia, but joked: ”At least I didn’t get up and slap anybody.” No mention that Akshata Murthy didn’t pay UK tax on her earnings! It was about time we celebrated the anniversary of the 1990 poll tax riots with another one!

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

iii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 95 – Moody Blues

“This is a prime minister who has been accused of breaking a law that he himself set; it could not be more serious”(Ian Blackford)

The Waiting Game

Sleeping later than planned Monday, I rushed round, took piles of rubbish out, and picked up the laptop to a flurry of e-mails. I replied to one from the owner of Valley Life agreeing to contribute during 2022, posted a haiga (see below)ⁱ and draft-posted the journal before scoffing lunch and preparing for a dental appointment. Too cold and damp to walk to the next village, I went for an earlier bus than necessary. Two didn’t turn up. I rang the surgery to explain and they agreed to see me late. The waiting room empty, I was told the dentist was with another patient when I saw him gabbing with staff. X-rays required after not visiting for 2 years, I inwardly laughed when they switched the machine on and ran away, leaving me to be zapped! I eschewed a visit to Sainsbury’s, and crossed to the bus stop. The church clock looming in the gloom attested to another lengthy wait. Unable to use my return ticket on the first bus, a convoy of school buses sailed by, then a swarm of schoolkids infested the queue until the right bus eventually came. Inevitably packed, I perched on the edge of a seat, silently fuming at loud-mouthed mask-less little monsters! Unable to stand them any longer, I alighted early and hurried the back way to the co-op for a couple of items. Moody, cold and tired, I slumped on the sofa before dragging myself upstairs to warm up.

Daily LFTs for 100,000 critical workers began. IKEA cut sick pay for unvaccinated staff required to self-isolate, as did Next later in the week. The UKHSA and Covid Taskfarce looked at reducing self-isolation to 5 days, like the US. Boris said he’d follow the evidence. The Glove-puppet thought it too soon to say the Omicron wave was abating. After getting stuck in a lift at BBC HQ, he joked that WA1 wasn’t satire. He planned forcing developers to pay to replace cladding on shorter tower blocks. Nandy said he didn’t address all the safety issues. Novax was granted a visa but his dishonesty and the toing and froing of Australian officials, created embarrassment all round. A competition to invent a platinum pudding for the queen required something simple, elegant and flavoursome. “How about angel delight?” giggled Phil.

Tuesday, I was irked at another late start, a lost sock and Phil handwashing a jumper after putting a load in the machine. He berated my nagging and I sulked, posted the journal and replied to a message from The Researcher; illness explaining the wait to hear from her. She seemed delighted with my draft takeover blog. Still grieving for a lost Monday afternoon thanks to WY Metro, I stayed in to catch up on writing while Phil kindly offered to shop. In a week when Souter Hole in Whitburn, Sunderland, grew into a sunken beach, Digging for Britain featured a whole Ichthyosaur fossil (or sea dragon) unearthed in Rutland and an iron age village which evolved into a wealthy Roman settlement discovered under HS2 in Northants.

379 deaths, 3,000 kids and 1 in 12 teachers off school due to covid, Sturgeon said masks could be the norm in Scotland for the foreseeable future but more spectators would be allowed at outdoor sports from next week. WHO regional director Dr, Hans Kluge said over half of Europeans would catch Omicron in the next 2 months, while his colleague Dr Nabarro said the end was in sight if we respected the virus and reacted quickly to surges (occurring every 3-4 months) and David Heymann of the London School of Tropical Medicine thought the UK could soon reach endemic status. A leaked e-mail from Martin Reynolds invited 100 people to a BYOB Downing Street garden party 20^th May 2020, the same day we were told we could meet 1 person outside. Boris and Carrie allegedly joined 40 attendees. Even diehard blues sick of the smirks and ‘serial lying’, there were renewed calls for the PM to resign. Would his PPS be the fall guy? Rayner asked urgent questions in the commons. The Bumbler unsurprisingly absent despite no appointments, paymaster general Michael Ellis took the flak, saying there was ‘absolutely no indication’ his boss knowingly misled parliament and urged MPs awaited the inquiry results. Ian Blackford attacked ‘a PM’ accused of breaking a law that he himself set.

Ovo blogged ways to keep warm including doing star jumps, cleaning, eating porridge and cuddling pets. I did most of them; maybe I should get a dog! They later apologised for ‘poorly judged and unhelpful’ content, sacked ¼ of their workforce and shut 7 of 10 offices. The Minimum hourly wage for remaining staff was upped to £12. Putin claimed to have suppressed the ‘foreign coup’ in Kazakhstan.

Dead Man Walking

Sleeping well, I enthusiastically set about hoovering the living room Wednesday, impeded by unravelled floor cushion tassel threads festooning the floor. Partygate inevitably dominated PMQs for a second week. Starting with a sham apology, The Bumbler admitted getting ‘somethings wrong’, although the Number 10 garden was ‘an extension of the office’. He went out to thank staff at what he thought was a work event 20^th May, but ‘with hindsight’, he should have sent them back in and found another way to say thanks. He said sorry to those who’d lost people and directed MPs to Sue Gray’s inquiry. Not thinking to reference his ‘captain hindsight’ moniker, Keir called Boris ‘a man whose ran out of road’, and the excuse he didn’t know it was a party pathetic (yes, especially as he got the e-mail!) and asked would he do the decent thing and resign? In response to a load of Boris Bluster, Keir asked was he ‘so contemptuous’ he thought he could ride it out? Boris insisted he was aware of the public’s sacrifices and understood their anger, repeated ‘bitter regret’ and awaiting the inquiry report. Keir listed previous high-profile resignations and wondered why the PM still thought the rules didn’t apply to him? After Boris repeated himself, Kier cried: “it’s not working!” Boris called Keir’s facts ‘wrong’ but accepted ‘they’ did wrong, with the caveat: ‘we thought we acted within the guidance’ and suggested as a lawyer, Keir should respect the process. Kier responded ‘a series of ridiculous denials’ meant ‘the party’s over.’ Ian Blackford echoed calls for Boris’ removal from office. Later on, Sir Roger Gale marked his leader ‘a dead man walking’ and Douglas Ross (head of the Scottish tories) submitted a vote of no confidence letter to the 1922 committee. On Newsnight, Rees-Moggy insisted Boris was humble and sincere, showed great leadership in getting ‘the big things right’ and dubbed Douglas Ross a ‘lightweight’.

Turning to writing projects, I replied to another e-mail from The Researcher. Developing head fug, I failed to rest. In a long episodic dream that night, I married a murderer, escaped and attended a weird conference involving in a laser fight with red-hooded figures. It was probably inspired by the magical Witcher on Netflix.

Concluding a case brought by The Good Law Project and Everydoctor, The High Court ruled awarding government contracts via a ‘VIP fast lane’ unlawful. However, it was likely Pestfix and Ayanda Capital would’ve won the bids as they offered large volumes of PPE at a critical time. Hmm! Weren’t the masks from Ayanda chucked as unsafe? Ministers said the fast track would stay for possible future emergencies. Rayner claimed it was clear the cabinet office didn’t have the resources to conduct proper due diligence. Smart motorways were paused for 5 years to gather more safety data. How many deaths did they need? GoFundMe donations enabled Alan Gosling to buy more ducks.

Dead Meat

Stripping the bed Thursday, I opened the window in sunshine, shook blankets out and Phil changed sheets while I bathed. I uploaded photos via a Google drive link from The Researcher. The takeover post looking good, I thanked her for kind words and links to my other blogs. She later proposed meeting for a beer sometime.ⁱⁱ I left a sluggish laptop updating and went to town, tarrying in the sweet shop to admire diminutive pottery houses made by a customer. At the market, I waited at the fish van for a woman to bafflingly ask if they could get seaweed for her daughter’s school project. A woman passing the pizza stall opposite the veg stall asked: “Coma stai?” The hipster mumbled a reply. “Non parli Italiano?” He smiled inanely. After she’d gone, I asked did he know what she’d said. He reckoned she was Romanian to which I remarked she spoke Italian. He insisted he knew that but obviously didn’t understand her. I enjoyed an informative chat in the deli on different dal varieties before struggling home where Phil belatedly offered help after I’d carted bags to the kitchen.

While covid hospitalisations rose in the north, cases fell in London and the South East. Encouraged by UKHSA data showing 2/3 no longer infectious after 5 days, Goblin Saj reduced self-isolation requirements accordingly (with negative tests). Reckoning people were most contagious 3-6 days after contracting covid, Prof. Reicher queried: “how is this following the science?” Boris pulled out of visiting a jab centre, ostensibly because a family member tested positive. Hiding more like! Despite his approval rating sinking to 23% after his phoney apology, senior tories rallied round, urging critics to await findings of the inquiry before judging. Scotland Yard in ‘ongoing contact’ with the cabinet office, The Times predicted no evidence of criminality would be found. Deputy CMO Van Dam notably made no mention of the PM when announcing he was leaving his secondment at the end of March to become pro-vice chancellor at Nottingham University. Fans implored a streetcar in the city be named Jonathan Van-Tram. Feargel Sharkey re-appeared on BBC Breakfast to tell us all English rivers were polluted and quote “study to be quiet.” Sound advice! A man on QT complained M&S renaming midget gems was ‘people sitting around thinking of ideas.’ He obviously never had an idea in his life! On Newscast, phone-in radio hosts reported a sea of disapproval to downing it in Downing Street. Excuses put forward by the odd defender centred on the rules being too strict. If they were too strict for them, they were too strict for those who stuck to them. Clamours for the reimbursement of fines ensued.

Friday, I left Phil sat on the bed doing tiny work to clean the bathroom of mysterious dross and work on the laptop. Again a brilliant start, the sun had sunk behind the hills but it stayed pleasant as I headed to the co-op. A nice lad assisted my hunt for products to use a member’s offer and put me in the mood for a jest with my mate at the kiosk. I remarked the hot cross buns would be stale by Easter. He assured me they’d be long gone by then and joked about being crucified. By the time I thought of a come-back, the moment had passed. Phil arrived to help at the till where I realised I had enough member’s points for a free shop.

Former Covid Taskfarce DG Kate Joseph tweeted a statement on attending drinks 17^th December to mark her departure from the cabinet office. Rage mounted with revelations of two Downing Street parties 16^th April 2021. Staff bought a suitcase-load of wine from an all-night shop. Ex-comms aide James Slack apologised ‘for the anger and hurt caused’ by his boozy leaving do. Number 10 expressed ‘deep regret’ it happened on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Was the queen bothered after stripping Prince Andrew of his royal and military titles? Keir responded Boris should’ve offered HRM a resignation, not a sorry. Instead, the dead mad drew up Operation Big Dog, a list of officials in line to tender resignations to save his own skin. So much for relying on Sue Gray’s inquiry! The list of booze-ups at number 10 growing daily, Phil observed: “No wonder this government’s’ a shower of shit. They’re drunk every day!” Tobias Ellwood said he should lead or leave but Liz Truss wished we’d ‘move on’. What to? Brexit? Cos that’s going swimmingly! GDP recovered to pre-pandemic levels before Omicron hit in November. Tesco kept on 13,000 Christmas staff to cover self-isolating colleagues. 32 migrants rescued from The English Channel near Berck, Calais, a Sudanese man died of hypothermia.

Tipsy on after-dinner wine, we laughed at Wheel of Time (it’s no Witcher) and Dmitry Kokh’s photos of polar bears living in buildings on the abandoned Soviet era meteorological station, Kolyuchin Island. Posing in the garden without wine and cheese, I bet they didn’t need a Verisure alarm!ⁱⁱⁱ

For the third day running, Saturday started dazzlingly, with hoar frost prettifying hilltop trees. Stressed at a greasy mess on the draining board from Phil’s late washing up, I kept schtum until he fiddled with the curtains trying to block sunlight from the telly.

He answered my tirade with a promise to clear up the oil slick, which he fulfilled. I hurried to dress as the sun waned and the scene turned grey and cold. Not inclined to go out, Phil started spring cleaning the kitchen, making the hearth gleam. I considered contributing but got distracted by a film, and then it was dark. Sunday drab, we abandoned plans for a walk and continued spring cleaning the kitchen, managing to not get in each other’s way too much. Pissed off at lack of outdoor photo opportunities, we snapped a Christmas cactus. The belated blooms served as a haiga subject. Leeds United back on form, we were treated to a series of goals in quick succession on MOTD resulting in a win against West Ham who knocked them out of the FA cup the previous weekend.

Following admissions of lying on forms and having meetings when infected, Australia again revoked Novax’s visa and detained him as a threat to public health until a court hearing (of law, not tennis) got him deported Sunday. Eruptions of the tongue-twistingly named Hunga-Tonga Hunga Ha’apai volcano led to a mile-high tsunami on the tiny island nation of Tonga. As Brits went missing, some idiots tried surfing the wave.

Hot on the heels of Operation Big Dog, a raft of policy announcements emerged over the weekend such as giving the army powers to intercept vessels in The Channel, abolishing the BBC licence fee and banning booze at Number 10. Err, why couldn’t the PM just do that in his own house? Referring to ‘industrial scale partying’, Keir repeated calls for The Bumbler’s resignation. Operation Red Meat a blatant distraction technique, Phil quipped: “Operation Dead Meat more like!” Maybe we should feed him to the polar bears!

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Takeover blog: https://www.ruraldiaryproject.uk/rituals/confined-walks

iii. Polar bears in houses: https://petapixel.com/2022/01/13/photographer-finds-polar-bears-that-took-over-abandoned-buildings/

Part 85 – Things That Go Bump In The Night

“Working people are being asked to pay more for less, for three simple reasons: economic mismanagement, an unfair tax system and wasteful spending” (Rachel Reeves)

A Bumpy Ride

Still tired and achy Monday, Phil helped with chores and manically cut his hair while I posted blogs. Attempting to get errands done, I went to the co-op to find it shut due to a power-cut. Staff guarding the door told me it was the second outage that day. Despite tummy ache, Phil went to town in the evening for supplies. Anxious about next day’s appointment, I took a pill to aid sleep.

As expected, kids on half-term could get jabbed at centres. Stephen Powis advised working from home but on Jeremy Vine, Charlie Mullet said it was bad parenting akin to being a benefits cheat. Prof Openshaw found 1:55 infected unacceptable and “connected with the lack of clear messaging about sensible measures (we could take)…to reduce (spread).” Warwick University reported 11% of covid clusters last summer were caused by ‘eat out to help out’. No comment from Rishi Rich, premature budget details presaged national wage rises and an end to the public sector pay freeze. Unhappy at the leaks, Lindsay Hoyle scolded: “At one time, ministers did the right thing if they briefed before budget – they walked.” He accused them of treating MPs discourteously: “This house will not be taken for granted. It’s not right for everybody to be briefed, it’s not more important to go on the news in the morning, it’s more important to come here.” WMO* warned CO2 levels rose at a faster rate in 2020, the pandemic made little impact and there was ‘no time to lose’. Petteri Taalas called the upward trend ‘way off track’. As too was Boris as he told children recycling plastic was a waste of time and he didn’t think COP26 would achieve anything. Number 10 hastily issued a correction. Extinction Rebellion blocked the City of London, the Met cleared it by midday and arrested 53. In the fifth week of the volcanic eruption, a giant lava fountain spewed from Cumbre Vieja.

Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for my appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date Tuesday afternoon we caught a cross-country bus for the dreaded appointment. Distrustful of the handwritten update to the out-of-date timetable, Phil worried it was the wrong stop and wandered off to the main one. I gave chased shouting: “it can’t possibly be that one! I checked google 3 times!” We distracted ourselves from the stress by admiring willow curlews made by schoolkids installed in the chapel gardens (see below) until the bus arrived. An elderly couple tried to get on to be told drivers were changing over and it wasn’t leaving for 10 minutes. Obviously regulars, we should have asked them to confirm the stop. When the new driver turned up, he was rebuked for tardiness. The elderly couple chatted to the driver for ages then I had to repeat our destination 3 times! But it was a very cheap and scenic ride in the autumn sun. At the other end, we were assaulted by vicious wind and I was assaulted by anxiety and unpleasantness while Phil waited patiently. In time to catch the last bus back, it took a different route, bypassing settlements to crazily speed over desolate moors in the gloaming and arrive in darkness. Exhausted after the bumpy ride, I was glad of Phil’s support and his naughty but nice fry-up dinner.

Prof Pollard said the UK’s high covid rates were due to 10 times more testing than ‘some countries’. Owen Patterson was found to have broken lobbying rules on behalf of Lynn’s Country Foods and Randox (awarded testing kit contracts). Meanwhile, PAC found TIT outcomes were ‘muddled‘, aims ‘under-achieved’ and an £37 bn budget badly managed with over-reliance on consultants. Idiot Jenny Harries said they played “an essential role in saving lives every day.” The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) said current plans would only cut greenhouse gases 7.3% by 2030, nowhere near the 55% needed. Inger Anderson barked: “The world has to wake up to the imminent peril we face as a species.” Tory MPs blocking an amendment to the Environment Bill making it illegal for water companies to tip sewage into rivers, were named and shamed. Boris hastily reversed the decision. Bezos planned the Orbital Reef space station as a ‘mixed use business park’. Jeez!

Big Bumps

Wednesday brought a Westminster marathon – PMQs, the budget & spending review and response. Keir isolating again and Angela Rayner on bereavement leave, Ed Millipede led PMQs, to raucous applause. He started on the need to halve emissions this decade and cited the UNEP report: “does the PM acknowledge how far we are from the action required?” Boris insisted commitments were made, it was too early to tell if they were enough and we should recognise how far we’d moved. Red Ed said it was easy making promises for 30 years’ time but harder to make them for now. COP26 wasn’t a photo-op, or about climate delay, they mustn’t shift the goalposts and had to focus on 2030, not the end of the century.

Rishi Rich began by bigging up the economy’s strength and growth, proving their plan was working. He said the budget was about investment in a high-skilled economy and levelling up. Increases for all departments and devolved administrations included more dosh for housing, the removal of unsafe cladding and a reduction of rough sleeping by 1/3 (why not 3/3?) The anticipated re-invention of Sure Start took the form of A Start for Life and extending The Holiday Activity and Food Programme indicated caving into Rashford. More money would also come for SEN school places, youth clubs, football pitches and pocket parks, whatever they were – all viewed as inadequate to address missed education during lockdowns. Levelling up entailed projects in 100 towns across the UK including Ashton. It was a shame Rayner wasn’t there to ask if that meant she got a pocket park! His so-called ‘infrastructure revolution’ entailed investment in innovation and R&D. More money was pledged for core science, FE, T levels, the lifetime skills guarantee and ‘multiply’ to tackle innumeracy – which would be unnecessary if they hadn’t stripped basic skills bare under austerity. And what about literacy? “They don’t want more literate people realising what a load of rubbish they are!” observed Phil. On top of increases in the national wage and unfreezing public sector pay, Universal Credit claimants would keep more of their earnings. Other giveaways entailed a UK prosperity fund to match EU funding, less domestic air passenger duty, cancellation of a fuel duty rise, slashed bank profit tax, extended tax relief for museums, lower business rates for retail, hospitality and leisure and cheaper registration of boats under the UK flag (pirate rejoice!). Alcohol duty was ‘streamlined’ with more tax on high-strength booze and less on fizzy wine, draught beer and cider. “Hipster relief!” we cried. Rishi said this was all possible because we’d left the EU. It didn’t escape notice that he spent more time talking about booze than climate change, and failed to mention rail, care, the unemployed or violence against women.

Rachel Reeves accused Rishi of living in a parallel universe, saying with the cut in fizz and bank taxes: “at least bankers on short-haul flights sipping champagne will be cheering this budget today.” They wouldn’t be paying for “the highest sustained tax burden in peace time”, nor would property speculators. No; it would be working people. Well, I observed, tories would always do anything other than tax their rich mates! Wage rises were slated for not keeping pace with soaring energy prices and taxes. GMB Sec Gary Smith said the announcements were ‘vague at best’ and ‘it all reeks of vacuous gesture politics’ Was he thinking about Rishi’s budget-eve Insta pics in sliders? The next day, the OBR warned the cost of living could be the highest for 30 years and IFS advised living standards would fall with low wages and high prices causing ‘real pain’ to the lower paid. Paul Johnson said: “this is not a set of priorities which looks consistent with long-term growth or indeed levelling up.” The Resolution Foundation added that the poorest fifth would be £280 a year worse off. Meanwhile, Rishi went to Bury market, bought sweets and called it Burnley. Addressing criticism of the fuel duty cut, he vacuously said there were “lots of different ways” to tackle climate change.

The interminable proceedings made lunch long overdue. I was offered a follow-up appointment, conveniently in Tod next Monday, and went to the co-op. Shelves patchy after the outages, I just got essentials. A Woman almost bumped into me at the till. The cashier asked her to retreat. “I’m sorry,” said the woman. “I forgot my mask.” “Everyone forgets sometimes but distance would be good,” I replied.

Severely unrested Thursday, I awoke in darkness to the sound of pouring rain. Phil noticed a dripping hot tap. Thinking he blamed me, I listed faux pas I’d let slide. “You were saving them up. That’s what women do!” he jibed. “No, I was trying to avoid arguments.” I’d just settled with coffee when the jolly Ocado deliverer arrived. Blustery all day, it felt cold going to town in the afternoon. The market depleted due to half-term and lateness of the hour, I chatted to Councillor Friend at the cheese stall, pleased the pain from her knee replacement 5 weeks ago had eased. In the convenience store, I caught the end of a staff gossip: “I thought Boris had announced another lockdown.” I suspected sarcasm about day-trippers. Sweet Shop Man said my throat sweets were scarce, advised stocking up and complained everything was hard to get. “And you can’t get the staff either!” he quipped. Two shop-girls pretended not to hear. I hurried home, became tired and wondered why I was rushing. Maybe it was the cold, although the quick scoot did warm me up. The sink full again, I had a gripe. “I’m busy!” Phil retorted “Okay, but don’t put a cast iron pan on top of breakfast bowls!” He sprung into action, washed up and helped hang washing.

On BBC Breakfast, Pat Valance told us to eat less meat and fly less. He should tell Rishi! Government scrapped the red list in time for COP26. From Monday, double-vaccinated travellers needed to self-isolate but not in quarantine hotels. Some scientists said it was too soon – 90% of people still had antibodies but they were waning. Devi Sridhar expected more cases in Glasgow due to the summit but couldn’t say if it’d be a bump or a wave. Clement Beaune took ‘retaliatory action’ for Britain not sticking to The Trade and Co-operation Agreement. A fishing boat was fined and scallop vessel Cornelis ordered to Le Havre, detained and instructed to attend court at a later date. Macduff Shellfish insisted they’d fished legally. The French subsequently threatened to not let British boats land, Useless George said two could play that game and Liz Truss summoned the French ambassador. Richard Hughes of OBR informed us Brexit would reduce GDP by 4% in the long term, more than the pandemic at 2%. The Brazilian senate unsurprisingly voted to prosecute Bonzo but as it was up to chief prosecutor Augusto Aras, it probably wouldn’t happen.

On Question Time, airhead Lucy Frazer insisted we were £500 a year better off after the budget. How did she work that out? She said cutting domestic flight duty was nothing to do with climate change while entrepreneur Jenny Campbell claimed she listened to David Attenborough but somethings had to wait until the economy got going again. We can’t wait, you moron! Discussing the fishing spat with France, Maitta Fahnbulleh of New Economics Foundation called the post-Brexit bumps ‘big bumps’.

Bangs and Crashes

Iffy again on a darkly dull Friday, I managed a few exercises and some housework, drafted the journal and made traditional Lancashire parkin – messy but yummy!

Although hospitalisations were up, Prof Ferguson said covid infections were dropping so we didn’t need plan B. But the ONS found rising rates across the UK and 1:50 had the virus last week, the same number as in the second wave. The Prof also said the 6-month gap for boosters was arbitrary. Err, I thought it was based on the science! Reflecting on her choice of language, Rayner apologised unreservedly for calling tories scum. Arnie came on BBC Breakfast to say we could terminate climate change and Greta Thunberg joined protestors outside Standard Chartered Bank in the City of London to demand big finance stop funding fossil fuels. Jeremy Vine asked: should we give kids fruit instead of sweets on Halloween? Brandishing a bag of wiggly worms, we hoped they didn’t contain cannabis. “I wouldn’t put it past him to buy the wrong ones!” Police later warned parents in Rochdale to be on the lookout for laced sweets.

Fortunately, flooding didn’t reach our area over the rainy weekend. Phil doing my hair took most of Saturday. Chopping knobbly veg for dinner proved hard work even with a joint effort and took ages to cook. As the clocks went back, I looked forward to the extra hour but slept badly.

Thus I struggled to Thus I struggled to rise Sunday and dossed for hours. So much for the extra hour! In contrast, Phil slept loads but had tummy ache again. I wrote a haigaⁱ, draft-posted blogs, worked on a Christmas card, and helped him make cinder toffee. A first outing for the sugar thermometer, we watched eagerly for the red line to hit ‘hard crack’. “We could sell that!” he joked. The mixture bubbling insanely when the bicarb was added, we left it to settle before tasting – spot on! I prepared bowls of sweets and fruit in case of trick or treaters but we got none. No surprise with the heavy rain although that didn’t deter residents of the posh hall across the valley banging off fireworks.

Commuter journeys less than half, leisure trips were 90% of pre-pandemic levels. On the eve of COP26, WMO reported the last 7 years were the hottest ever recorded globally. The G20 met In Rome where Boris told leaders it was ‘last chance saloon’ for climate commitments. This saving the planet lark involved a lot of flying about! He admitted ‘turbulence’ with France over fishing, saying they might be in breach of EU law. Look who’s talking! Macron retorted it was a test of British credibility. The next day, Number 10 denied an end to the war, Boris said it was up to the French and Lord Frosty Gammon considered legal action.

With Bulb Energy on the edge of collapse, Red Ed told Marr we needed a different model for managing the supply chain. Interviewing Greta Thunberg, she was less concerned about not being invited to speak at COP26 than under-representation of poor countries. She said leaders said things to sound good and look good, putting all their eggs in the new tech basket was naïve and there was a pattern of governments proving climate action wasn’t a priority for them. (e.g., reducing air tax). Parts of Cumbria and Hawick flooded, residents were evacuated and trains couldn’t get to Glasgow. Two trains collided at a Y-shaped junction at Fisherton Tunnel, Salisbury. The crash hurt 13 passengers and left a driver with ‘life changing’ injuries. Cause unknown, the line would be closed for several days.

I went up early and set the alarm for Monday’s appointment. During a turbulent night, I had a funny dream entailing the cross-country bus and an uphill walk. “What are we doing?” I asked Phil, “we’re meant to be going to Tod.” The dream proved prophetic…

*WMO – World Meteorological Organisation

Reference:

i. My https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

minimum wage