“This was a day for ambition…but…the Tory cupboard is as bare as the salad aisle in our supermarket. The lettuces may be out, but the turnips are in” (Keir Starmer)
Everything, Everywhere, All At Once
Haiga – Open Sesame i
ONS figures released at the start of Mach were as frosty as the weather. Wages no longer rising as fast, 2.52 million were on long-term sick. Unemployment still low, there were slightly less vacancies. The UK avoiding a ‘technical recession’ 2023 according to the OBR, there’d be 0.2% less growth. On budget day, Abba’s Money, Money, Money drowned out reporters stupidly stood in Downing Street before The C**t emerged. Taking credit for an expected drop in inflation, he began an interminable statement by echoing Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (the film that swept the Oscars), promising a pile of ‘E’s – enterprise, education, employment and everywhere. Not listing energy, he extended the price cap until June, pledged to bring pre-payment charges in line with direct debits, gave funds to leisure centres and local groups towards their bills, and froze fuel duty for 12 months. More tax on wine from August, a so-called ‘Brexit pubs guarantee’ meant less duty on draught beer, covering Northern Ireland, thanks to the Windsor Framework. ‘Brexit freedoms’ also allowed a ‘near-automatic sign-off’ of new medicines. More dosh for looked-after children, care leavers and potholes, a measly £10m was given to suicide prevention. Wraparound childcare wouldn’t kick in until after the next election. He announced a second round of city region transport funding and extra money for Levelling Up partnerships, investment zones to create 12 ‘Canary Wharfs’ in areas like Manchester and West Yorks, for which they’d need to bid. I doubted it would mollify Yorkshire grandees. Incensed at getting Levelling Up round 1 dosh but not in round 2 mid-February, they whinged the goalposts moved after they submitted bids they were encouraged to write.
Intent on making us all work, he was abolishing the work capability assessment. It would be voluntary for disabled people to find jobs with support for workers suffering mental health and back problems before they left employment. On the other hand, UC claimants with no health issues faced more coaching, more rigorous sanctions and an increased threshold of 18 hours a week. Not hearing anything about ESA, I later discovered an end to sickness top-ups if ineligible for PIP from 2026. Targeting the over 50’s, there were ‘3 steps’ to make working longer easier: enhanced DWP mid-life MOT’s; new apprenticeships (aka returnerships); and increased pension tax allowance with abolition of the lifetime limit.
As per Pat Vallance’s recommendations, a ‘quantum strategy’ involved an AI sandbox, an ‘exascale’* computer and a £1m annual Manchester prize. Worth a mere £2.5bn, did they know how much that tech stuff actually cost?
Nuclear magically classed as environmental, Great British Nuclear aimed to generate a quarter of our leccy by 2050. Pitifully underwhelmingly in light of the IPPC report on an increasingly warmer world, Guterres said there was just about time to reverse climate change if we did ‘everything, everywhere, all at once’.
In place of witty Reeves, Keir responded there was nothing to tackle crime, NHS waiting times or the housing crisis, leaving the UK the sick man of Europe, stuck in the waiting room with only a sticking plaster and more disguised tax hikes. Referencing turnips, he obviously hadn’t heard we didn’t grow them anymore!
Liberals pointed to inflated high energy and food costs and the OBR reckoned we still faced the biggest ever fall in living standards. Timed to coincide with The C**t’s missive, strikers marched through London to rally in Trafalgar Square. The biggest walkout so far entailed doctors, teachers, civil servants, London underground staff and BBC journos, affecting regional evening news. I turned over from Fatty Dimmock to ITV. Having interviewed The C**t, Robert Pessimist said there was no way the budget could be seen as a giveaway, except scrapping the pensions cap, benefitting the rich. Not much for the rest of us, impact analysis by The Resolution Foundation showed the poorest would be better off and middle and high earners worse off. How did they work that out? Later in the month, their research revealed the true cost of a widening productivity gap compared to other European countries and ‘unprecedented’ 15 years’ wage stagnation; if wages had grown the same as before the 2008 crash, workers would earn an extra £11,000 p.a.
Party Games
Haiga – Turning Point
At the start of March, Cock Covid Diary collaborator Isabel Oakeshott, leaked 100,000 WhatsApp messages to the Torygraph. Revelations suggested the then Health sec didn’t follow Chris Witless’ advice spring 2020. On the morning of 14th April, Witless advised testing everyone entering care homes. By evening, official guidance changed to cover only patients discharged from hospital. The Cock furious, a spokesman claimed messages were ‘doctored and stolen to create a false story’: with insufficient testing capacity, they had to prioritise. Accused of breaking NDA, Isabel insisted the leaks were in the public interest. Countering they weren’t, The Cock railed they formed part of her anti-lockdown agenda. She asked Newscast, “what even is that?” Had she forgotten the demos? She didn’t worry about never again being trusted as she was good at what she did –Yep, good at playing the game, getting men to tell her secrets and promoting herself! In messages published over the next few days, we learnt The Cock dithered over whether he’d broke rules snogging Gina Colander, and resisting lockdown up to a week before its imposition, Boris subsequently ranted militantly on social distancing July 2020, a month after the birthday party he was fined for. Also, The Salesman called teachers’ unions a ‘bunch of arses’ who hated work. Mary Bousted retorted he was ‘out of his depth’ during the pandemic.
At PMQs, Keir harped on energy bills and massive profits before referencing the leaks, asking Rishi to assure the house of no more covid enquiry delays. The PM responded with the usual: we should let them get on and do their job.
On March 3rd, The privileges committee partygate investigation preliminary report, concluded Boris misled parliament multiple times. The Bumbler retorted there was no proof. Calling the report damning, Keir caused a row by offering Sue Gray the job of labour chief of staff. Doing the Sunday morning rounds, Chris Heaton-Harris laughably called Boris ‘100%’ a man of integrity. On 21st,Boris’ partygate evidence was released, predictably alleging it was all his adviser’s fault. The next day, he faced the committee, with a new haircut. After a rare oath-taking, he told them he believed gatherings were essential, his statements to the commons were made in good faith, it was nonsense that he didn’t take proper advice and, after losing his shit, thanked them for a ‘useful’ discussion – to much guffawing. A good day to bury other news, Rishi’s long-promised tax details revealed he paid ½m 2022 and 1m since 2019. Keir paying £118,580 over 2 years, he was accused by toires of hypocrisy for benefitting from the pension tax break, which he’d vowed to ditch
The Ripple Effect
Haiga – BST
23rd March marked the 3rd anniversary of lockdown #1. No mention on main news channels, the ripples of coronavirus continued to be felt. Metro revealed a 134% increase in ‘ghost kids’ missing school and Look North reported on the emotional impact with more young kids needing pastoral support. Patients in the region still dying (49 the previous week), 1.5 million suffered from long-covid. Prof Dinesh Saralaya of Bradford Hospitals who took part in several vaccine and treatment trials, warned covid hadn’t gone away and Prof John Wright of The Bradford Institute of Health Research said it would be with us forever. Providing the analogy of the after-effects of an earthquake, he described layers of those affected by death, long covid and recession. On the plus side, they’d learnt a lot so were better prepared for future mutations or viruses. It was easy to forget how lethal and scary it was 3 years ago, but we should celebrate the sense of community and connectedness it engendered.
As the clocks changed for BST, NAO revealed £1.4 billion worth of PPE was incinerated and £21bn lost to fraud. As Lithuanians were convicted of grifting £10m from the covid loan scheme, government pointed out they’d set up the Public Sector Fraud Authority. But it was criticised for ineffectiveness across departments. Amid reported tension between The Treasury and DWP, Mel Stride announced a delay in raising the pension age to 68 – because of unpopularity before the next general election, a drop in life expectancy, or more elderly people leaving the labour market post-covid?
Margaret Ferrier MP faced 30 days’ suspension from the house for breaking lockdown rules in September 2020. She later launched an appeal.
A Canadian review of 137 global studies published in the BMJ, found minimal changes in mental health during the pandemic and ‘more resilience’ than assumed but raised concerns that women suffered more due to care responsibilities and domestic violence. The FBI chief decided covid originated in a Wuhan government-controlled lab after all. The US legislature later voted to declassify all documents on the analysis of coronavirus. As Covid Diary workshop participants observed, it all seemed really weird now. Maybe they should let it lie!
”This is not an abstract discussion…this is whether people can live meaningful lives” (Michael Marmot)
Striking Out
Migrating Geese
The geese migrated during August, picking at weeds and sunbathing in the middle of our street, which was okay except for them pooing on the doorstep. The Local Celeb and Wife on the street below concurred.
Blogs taking a hiatus, I planned to look for paid freelancing jobs but DIY took up most of the month. The task hard enough, another heatwave made it even worse. On the plus side, in a tangle of wires behind the telly, we discovered appliances unnecessarily plugged in thus using leccy, including the evil Xbox. Slimming down to essentials would save pennies! And I got to wear a racy early 21st century painting outfit of wide pants and an FCUK tee. Phil slogged to the hardware store in the next village on Monday 1st and buses not turning up, lugged bags of plaster back. The Woman Next Door subsequently said she’d have given him a lift. Maybe next time. After fixing the living room ceiling, we tackled the grotty wall behind the sofa. Cobwebs and dust had congealed into fluffy brown clumps. Vile stains proved immovable. Resigned to painting, could we buy the same shade? Of course not! And when that made a dazzling yellow, we had to make all the others match, and do the windows. While the sofa was in the middle of the room, I enjoyed the different view but not the inconvenience of being unable to reach the side table. Our woes paled into insignificance as a fire in a converted mill gutted creative businesses. Starting at 2.00 a.m. on Tuesday 2nd in the Italian Restaurant kitchen, we speculated that someone left the chipper on arson by a rival, The building declared unsafe, fire engines from Manchester and across Yorkshire worked throughout the day to make it safe, and people were told to avoid closed town centre roads – an Air BnB tragedy! Mercifully no casualties, nearby homes were evacuated and others advised to keep windows and doors shut. The Lampshade Maker whose studio was destroyed, went on Look North to say “I can’t believe it’s all gone!” A resident of the street below, we got her story first-hand a couple of days later when she returned from a restorative woodland walk. As they were insured, I was flummoxed by crowd-funding for those affected.
Gammon Steampunks i
Saturday, I bumped into German Friend and Counsellor Friend. Bantering on the trials of shopping and the oddness of Steampunk and classic car weekend coinciding, I mentioned we’d go see the old bangers Sunday. Counsellor Friend quipped: “Talking about yourself? Ha, ha.” “Cheeky! It’s a touchy subject. I’m 60 in a month.” “Oh no! That means my brother is too and I’ve sent him nowt.” German Friend confided 60 didn’t feel that bad. As she waved bye, I briefly recounted our travails to Counsellor Friend then apologised for cheerless rabbiting.
Gammon Steampunks ii
Sunday in the park was indeed weird. Were the punters steam-gammons or gammon-punks? As well as admiring the classics, providing Phil a month’s worth of photo-editing, we bought a mini table vice, prompting a ditty to the tune of edelweiss and perused the extortionate ‘food court’. Heading into town, we browsed the squat library, eyed suspiciously by young anarcho-punks. I was reading them old classics before their parents were born!
A couple of weeks later, the squat windows were smashed; there were some nasty people about, but I had to chuckle at handwritten notices threatening court to anyone who entered without their permission – very anarchistic! Finding nothing tempting on the steampunk market or normal Sunday market, we got pasties and pop from the shop and sat near the wavy steps to watch the antics of poseurs, dogs and kids in kilts, becoming rather warm in the strong sun. Sauntering home, we chatted to Irish Neighbour clearing up dead trees on the street, about the town being packed with tourists, inflation, Brexit and the war, leading to another apology for being so depressing!
Covid deaths fell 11% for the first time since June. King’s College research put long-covid in 3 categories: neurological; breathing; other symptoms. Predicting recession in the last quarter and lasting into 2023. the BoE raised the interest rate to 1.75%. Andrew Bailey blamed Russia for rising energy costs. Gammons were still in denial it was anything to do with Brexit. Trussed-Up repeated she’d lower taxes ‘from day one’ rather than give cost of living handouts, and Rishi Rich said if they didn’t get inflation under control, tories could ‘kiss goodbye’ to the next election. Meanwhile, 52% of people polled, now found a pint unaffordable. BT workers on strike, Lisa Nandy joined a CWU picket line in Wigan. As they were affiliated to labour, she had permission and didn’t speak to the media, she incurred no wrath, unlike Tarry. Locked into a 4-year 2% pay deal, junior doctors would get less than NHS colleagues. The BMA wrote to Rishi and Truss urging them to prevent an inevitable strike. Offered a paltry 2%, Scottish bin men struck for the duration of the Edinburgh fringe. Accused of ‘levelling down’, Trussed-Up ditched plans for public sector regional pay boards. Amid hacking fears, GCHQ delayed mailing of tory leadership ballot papers. Lord Cruddas said a vote for Boris would stop interference. Horrifyingly, he’d probably be back after she fucked up. The New Statesman obtained a video wherein Rishi boasted of diverting funds from deprived urban areas to places that ‘really deserved it’ like Tunbridge Wells. Chair of red wall tory northerners, Jake Berry, wasn’t impressed. Nandy wrote to her counterpart Greg Clark to ‘urgently investigate’ saying: “It’s scandalous that Rishi Sunak is openly boasting that he fixed the rules to funnel taxpayers’ money to prosperous Tory shires.”
Amid reports of traffickers reducing prices in a competitive market, 14 boats arrived in Ramsgate, each carrying 50 people. The record 700 migrants on a single day were bussed in double-deckers. Ship Razoni set off to full of Ukrainian grain at long last. Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan prompted Chinese military exercises, reports of fighter jet incursions into Taiwanese airspace and the firing of 11 missiles. China later halted co-operation with the US in key areas such as climate change, military talks and combating international crime, and sanctioned Pelosi. Why the hell did the daft woman go there? Jaswant Singh Chail, arrested on Christmas day for possessing a loaded crossbow with intent to harm Queenie at Windsor Castle, was charged under the treason act. In a bid to reserve dwindling water supplies, hosepipe bans were announced in Hants, Kent and Sussex. After Useless George told The Torygraph there should be a national ban, water companies were derided for impractical water-saving tips. We Own It gasped: ‘who has an oak barrel?’ As a burst water main flooded Hornsey Road, George Monbiot told Jeremy Vine it was no surprise water companies piped profits into shareholders’ pockets instead of investing in infrastructure. James Gammon was the only one who didn’t agree they should be nationalised. A dad bathing with his kids found a stash of dumped guns in a river pool in Catford. Harry Gration’s funeral took place at York Minster while Issey Miyake was buried before the news of his demise broke. Roy Hackett (equality campaigner and founder of the Bristol bus boycott paving the way for the Race Relations Act), also died. Surely that solved the issue of whose statue should replace Colston? A new super-fast mapping device on the William Herschel telescope would help analyse how the galaxy was formed. Maybe they should’ve detected lumps of Space X which landed in a farmer’s field in New South Wales. Rather than demand compo, they could sell it back to Elon Musk or flog it on e-bay. A Halifax woman hilariously electrocuted hoovering her fake lawn, was saved from death by awful rubber shoes.
Taxing Times
Secret Gorge
Headaches, befuddlement, hot flushes and melancholia plagued the second week of August. Although sometimes too fatigued to exercise, I managed to not stay abed. To top it all, a series of tech issues made the laptop sluggish and the ipad suddenly decided I needed to verify my Apple account and my date of birth was wrong! Phil located the freephone number for a human to eventually sort it, but the palaver was very stressful. Almost as bad as trying to extract dosh from a piddly stakeholder pension. Over-complicated and a total con (why did I have to pay tax when I’d already paid it on earnings?), after advice from Moneywise, I gave up. Neighbours all abroad in the hot spell, idle chatter brought light relief although I avoided the WhatsApp group to oppose new affordable housing and close contact with The Widower, whose daughter came to look after him and ended up bedridden with suspected covid!
Tempted by a co-op deal of pizzas and beer for a fiver, I couldn’t find the 4-pack. A staff member located it ‘on the beer shelf’. “Which one?” When I told him I’d got no reply to my complaint to HO, he requested I let him know if I did. After greeting a woman on the street below for the first time on the way, she and her partner sat out on deckchairs on my return. I remarked on their extremely fluffy cat. “Yes, it must be hot.” “I was thinking that; I know they like sun but there are limits!” Sunday, we visited the favoured clough to find it so dry we could walk up the brook – a secret gorge! (see Cool Placesi). We also noticed felled red leaves due to hot, dry conditions. BBC Breakfast later mentioned the ‘false autumn’. A notice on the convenience store advertised part-time vacancies. Phil had a new job within weeks. I was chuffed for him, not because of the money but because it boosted his self-esteem. Interesting fact: the stores’ huge basement extended to the marketplace – a possible history photo project. Struggling to sleep with hot flushes and drippy sweats over the weekend, I had weird dreams. One entailed ex-colleagues in workplace scenarios giving me food and cash in an envelope marked ‘office reserves’. In another, Walking Friend and I used a shortcut to the airport via a college with lots of rooms. It looked familiar like I’d previously dreamt the place, while simultaneously feeling as though I should and shouldn’t be there.
7,000 extra NHS beds were planned for winter but there wouldn’t be enough staff. Ending a 3-month lockdown after allegedly only 74 deaths, Kim Jong-un proclaimed a North Korean victory over covid. The UK economy shrank by 0.1% April-June. Firms still waiting for business rate rebates promised during the pandemic, ¾ of restaurant chains made a loss. National Energy Action wanted help urgently; the later it came, the more people would die in cold homes. Protesting soaring bills, the social media movement Don’t Pay UK gained momentum, but not paying could lead to more problems. Jack Munro advised reducing prices for all and switching from DD to standing order payments, depending on penalties. ¾ of red wall tory voters reckoned government failed to tackle the cost of living crisis. Gordy Brown and CBI boss Tony Danker also wanted something urgent. Number 10 said that would be up to the new PM and ministers drew up options for whoever that would be (as if we didn’t know). Danker spluttered: “We simply cannot afford a summer of government inactivity while the leadership contest plays out followed by a slow start from a new PM and cabinet.” Boris shocked energy bosses by actually turning up to a meeting with Kwasi Modo and Nads Zahawi who inanely said it was tough times. Trussed-Up said profits weren’t dirty and windfall taxes were about ‘bashing business’. We Own It found 3/5 supported public ownership of utilities and the Tony Blair institute reckoned Truss’s plans would save low income households a mighty 76p per month. Nurses asking for a 16% rise (which they’d never get) took part in a strike ballot. BBC leadership interviews avoided, later in the month, Trussed-Up insisted she was too busy to speak to Nick Robinson. After Rishi said he’d bin it, Ben Wally scrapped the muted migrant camp at Linton-On-Ouse. Of 7 cities shortlisted to host Eurovision 2023, Glasgow was shockingly the only one outside England. During chaos in Oxford Street not reported in mainstream media, American candy shops were looted, Ferraris jumped on, police assaulted and a dispersal order enforced. The legal test for prosecution not met, CPS dropped charges against 6 attendees at the Sarah Everard vigil, March 2021. Dania Al-Obeid subsequently brought civil proceedings against The Met. Salman Rushdie was stabbed preparing to give a lecture in NY state. More wildfires in Portugal, Spain, Southern France and England, new heat warnings were issued and official droughts declared in parts of south and east England. Introducing a hosepipe ban, Thames Water dished out bottled water due to a glitch. The ban came to Yorkshire 26th August. Half of Europe parched, Naga Manchette was ‘shocked’ by a dry Rhine. The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Florida house and later disclosed they found 100 ‘top secret’ document – all a conspiracy of course! Olivia Newton John and Raymond Briggs died. A moving tribute to the latter on The Beeb was followed by Ethel & Earnest.
Shocking Disparities
Hedgerow Bounty
A boring start to week 3, I was cheered by charity shopping (finding a cute shirt in the Community Shop) and lunch with Walking Friend Wednesday. Seeking a change, we headed for The Kitchen but ran away from exorbitant prices. Walking Friend queried where would we get cheaper in this town? One of our usual places of course! After baked potatoes at half price in The Tearooms, we wandered town and gazed upon the weir. She told me she once found a safe with the back blown off in a brook. Was it from a heist? Phil had arranged to put a picture up for her Friday, but as more problems were unearthed, he delayed doing anything more till a spark had a proper look. Glad of no cooking after a day decorating alone, I noted the cold tapas was rather pricey. Phil predicted eating more chicken nuggets in future. I used to scoff at people saying eating fresh was more expensive than junk, but Inflation at a record 10.1% and groceries up 11.6%, it really was now! Sunday, we returned to the foraging grounds for a couple of pounds of blackberries. Enjoyable but knackering, I managed to splatter my jeans in purple juice (See Cool Places).
Effective against the original Wuhan and Omicron strains of coronavirus, Moderna’s new bivalent vaccine would provide 13 of the 26 million autumn booster doses. We were counselled to take up whatever was offered. As roll-out was confirmed from 5th September, starting with the housebound and care homes, GPs warned £10.60 per jab wasn’t enough to ensure delivery. US scientists found musical instruments no worse spreaders than normal breathing. SNP MP Margaret Farrier pleaded guilty to exposing the public to covid travelling by train between London and Glasgow, September 2020. Monkeypox cases plateaued at 20 a day, but vaccine shortages caused concern. Northern mayors feared drastic bus service cuts when coronavirus support ended and Heathrow extended the cap on passengers until 29th October. Calling them lame, Mike O’Leary pledged to save half-term with extra Stanstead flights. At the end of August, Ryanair announced more winter flights than ever while Eurostar still recovering from the pandemic’s impact, would axe direct London services to Disneyland Paris next year. Generation Covid who’d missed out on GCSE exams, received A level and T level results. Less students achieving top grades than when based on teacher assessments in 2021, record numbers progressed to university. A stark divide between private and public schools, a shocking disparity between the South East and North East was blamed on the disproportionate impact of lockdowns (11% versus 15% lessons missed). A week later, GCSE results showed similar regional differences, with almost 1/3 above grade 7/A in London, compared to around 1/5 in the North East, Yorks and Humber, due to poverty and lost learning. Pearson’s BTEC results delayed, labour urged Ofqual to investigate what went wrong. As The Bumbler was on his hols again, Tory donor Lord Rose said he was on shore leave. Keir also accused of being MIA, labour set out plans to cancel the £400 energy payments and freeze the price cap instead. The £29 bn outlay would be paid for by windfall tax changes, more income from bigger oil and gas prices and lower inflation making government loans less costly. No authority to implement plans, it heaped pressure on the government to do more.
ONS data showed private sector ay rose 5.4% compared to 1.8% for the public sector. Wages fell 3% in real terms. Richard Walker told BBC Breakfast about Iceland’s partnership with Fair For You, giving micro-loans so the hard-up could buy food. 18-month pilots revealed few defaulted, with easy terms of £1 a week if they did. Avanti West Coast reduced their timetable due to staff ‘making themselves unavailable’, and cancelled advance ticket sales till 11th September. Avanti MD Phil Whittingham resigned 15th September, exposing his lies that less services were staffs’ fault. More strikes on 18th and 20th August saw 4/5 trains cancelled and Jeremy Corbyn on the Euston picket line. RMT members joined TFL pickets Friday. Mick Lynch said workers in other sectors were winning pay disputes and the public were increasingly behind them. DOT pledged a below-inflation rail fare rise, delayed until March – so less than 11.% then! P&O unbelievably wouldn’t face criminal charges for sacking staff. After polio was found in the sewage of 8 London boroughs, child vaccines became urgent. Water companies scandalously leaked 3bn litres a day and gave bosses 18% bonuses. Downpours didn’t alleviate droughts as instead of soaking into the ground, rain caused flash-flooding in Market Raisin and raw sewage dumps led to warnings on 60 beaches, largely along the south coast but also at Morecambe and Robin Hoods Bay. Signs warned Lake Windermere visitors of blooming algae – that’d be the poo then! 20,000 arriving in dinghies so far this year, the High Court heard an adviser told government Rwanda wasn’t safe for migrants. Concerns over the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant mounting, Erdogan met Vlod in Lviv to agree parameters of an International Atomic Agency mission. Pro-Putin commentator Darya Duginer (daughter of Alexander aka Rasputin), was killed by a car bomb. Outspokenly in support of the invasion, Ukraine denied involvement. The demise of Wolfgang Peterson meant no more Das Boot.
A Shock To The System
Soft Light
Towards the end of the month, I battled with achiness, demotivation and occasional tearfulness, to submit my autumn contribution to Valley Life magazine and attend the blood test appointment. A bruise-like mark later marred the crook of my elbow. Phil said: “That’s normal – you should see druggies’ arms.” “I don’t want to look like a junkie! Nothing else untoward, I thought right, where’s my HRT then? Despite several attempts, I failed to speak to a GP let alone get any. The weather reverting to type, scantily-clad tourists still stalked the town, idiotically looking in windows. “Ooh! A shoe shop!” Did they not have shoes where they came from? Feeling low midweek, soft evening light tempted us on a stroll along the canal and back through the park where teenagers did what teenagers do. Over the bank holiday weekend, we finished the living room revamp. Cleaning paintbrushes outside, a Local Historian toddled up for the first proper chat ever. She informed us she founded Valley Life and invited us to look at her vast Alice Longstaff collection which was nice. Breaking from DIY Sunday, we foraged to and from the hilltop village, competing with hunting spiders and supping butterflies. Wild apples augmented our berry harvest. After baking a massive crumble, there was enough to make jam. Phil suggested adding liqueur to the last smidge creating delicious jambuca. Slimmer pickings for a co-op top-up, the mentally-challenged cashier asked for £22. “Eh? That’s an expensive cabbage!” Phil was disgruntled by a lack of bank holiday fun but I was pleased we’d made progress, unlike with birthday and vacation plans. Anxious on Tuesday at a lack of preparedness, I failed to find any £1 tickets promised by Northern Rail, booked flexible off-peak returns to Scarborough and faffed saving e-tickets. I also booked the Cypriot restaurant for a birthday lunch, inviting Waling Friend. The next day, we went up to hers via a hidden path which mysteriously wound round above our street. As I gave her a jar of jam, she remarked she already had loads from an honesty box and a recent glut of plums on her terrace; but ours was a triumph! Phil took measurements for a spare part and got her kettle working so she could make a cuppa. On departure, she gave me a book and a selection of tiny jars of sparkles for crafting, vowing to stop buying stuff from Wish. This prompted a tirade on rising costs and not having a government. “Don’t get depressed.” She counselled. “I’m always depressed; it’s just a question of degrees!”
That evening, Aslef announced strikes on 15th and 17th September. No returning a day early to avoid the 9.00 a.m. check-out, a second begging attempt to the holiday let office mercifully resulted in an extension.
Hunting Spider
UK covid cases still falling, kids had less. ONS said they’d closely monitor rates when schools returned. The Covid alert fell from level 3 to 2 – I didn’t even know that was still a thing! It belied over 500 weekly fatalities with the death rate 18% above average for the time of year. Filipino kids went back to school wearing masks. No live classes for 2 years, 10 year olds were illiterate. Japan in the midst of a wave since July, PM Fumio Kishida tested positive. Anti-lockdowners Martin Hockridge and 3 others got 12-month community orders for harassing Nick Watt in June 2021.
ONS data for July revealed excess deaths during the heatwave; 7% higher than the daily average. GPs prescribed walking and cycling to combat mental health issues in several test areas including Bradford. Hints they could prescribe gas discounts prompted Wes Streeting to guffaw that government had ‘lost the plot’. Cineworld bankrupt, they continued trading, pending re-structure. Asda bought 129 co-op forecourts and 3 sites to cut co-op debt, sparking competition concerns. Sainsburys announced the scrapping of ‘use by dates’ on yogurt and pledged £65m to keep prices down. Lidl would take on 10,000 extra staff, provide them free Christmas dinners, and sold wonky veg stunted by drought, advocating other supermarkets follow suit.
Inflation forecast to reach 18%, ahead of setting a new energy price cap, Octopus Energy boss Greg Jackson urged government to double support or freeze suppliers’ charges. Rishi insisted he had the right priorities and Keir, looking like a nob in a hardhat, said labour had a plan. EDF warned half of households could face fuel poverty in winter, while SSE’s Seagreen Wind Farm turbines started spinning. Chip shops facing ‘extinction’, as, amongst other things, the price of cod bizarrely went up because of the war, pub chains wrote to government for help in preventing closures, but Nads was on a beano in America discussing long-term solutions to the gas crisis instead of sorting out immediate problems. He helpfully told The Torygraph the ‘national economic emergency’ would likely last 2 years. The Small Business Federation sought pandemic-style aid for companies. As the energy price cap rose to £3,549, Cornwall insight who correctly predicted the amount, warned it’d be £5k by Jan. Rachel Reeves wanted it cancelled.
Responsible for the 80% hike, Ofgem brazenly said government must act. Saying they knew this was coming for months, Martin Lewis bade they let us know now what further help there’d be. BG pledged 10% of profits to help the poorest customers, leaving 95% with nothing extra. Nads working ‘flat out’ on options, Useless George reiterated it was wrong to implement any until we had a new PM, and it’d be at the top of their in-tray – I should hope so! Not mentioning the hike, Rishi spoke of a mistake empowering scientists in the coronavirus response and not paying enough attention to longer-term impacts of lockdowns such as kids missing school and the NHS backlog. Posing in a hi-viz jacket to look at fibre optic cables, Boris lied that he wasn’t shrinking from the issues and more help was coming. He’d done nothing useful and would be gone in a week! Keir appeared on Jeremy Vine to say public ownership of utility companies wouldn’t bring prices down, omitting to mention government could use profits to subsidise bills and invest in infrastructure and renewables. Resolution Foundation predicted a 10% fall in mean disposable income in 2022 and 14m in poverty 2023-4. Saying it’d affect 10m kids, Institute of Health Equity boss Prof Michael Marmot said it’d affect 10m kids and it wasn’t an ‘abstract discussion’.
Seeing no end to the awful state we were in, I added: ‘things can only get shitter!’ Phil reckoned Brexit would eventually sort out with a new government but not energy costs. The European strategy of relying on Russia worse and Gazprom cutting their gas supply allegedly for maintenance, Macron told the French it was the new normal. Nowt like a rich cunt telling you to get used to being poor! But at least they offered more short-term assistance.
Hidden Path
Offered a £500 lump sum and 7% more pay, dockworkers at Felixstowe Port began an 8-day strike. Incensed at disrupted supplies, Daily Mail readers decried the communist plot. Wanting a 20% rise but offered 15%, barristers announced an indefinite strike from 5th September. One who used to work in a coffee shop, echoed my line that she was better off as a barista. Urging labour to ‘get a spine’ and stand up for workers, Unite’s Sharon Graham called for co-ordinated or overlapping strikes to cause maximum impact.
Journalists offered 3% at Reach newspaper group (Mirror, Express and MEN) walked out. Further action in September was postponed. Postal workers struck again at the end August and 8th & 9th Sept. At least I could pretend that was the reason for hardly any birthday cards! In a keynote speech to the Edinburgh TV festival, Emily Maitlis said tory cronyism was at the heart of the BBC with former Mrs May spin doctor and adviser to GB News Robbie Gibb, on the board. A record 1,295 migrants in 27 boats, crossed the channel. Only 21 of 52,000 ‘illegal’ arrivals expelled post-Brexit, Nasty Patel launched a Rapid Removal Scheme to fly Albanian migrants back within hours. Yet another madcap idea that would never happen!
Ukraine independence day landed exactly six month after the start of the invasion. Security was tightened, celebrations banned and captured Russian tanks lined Kyiv streets. Boris went to parade with Vlod and get the order of liberty medal – what a twat! Meanwhile, Kharkiv and Chaplyne were shelled and Vlad The Impaler announced a 13% increase in the Russian army in 2023 – a far cry from glasnost on the day Mikhail Gorbachev died. With over 1,000 dead, Pakistan appealed for help dealing with floods. NASA released coloured-in pictures of Jupiter from the James Webb telescope and aborted take-off of the Space Launch System to the moon as part of the Artemis project. Due to a hydrogen leak, more failed attempts followed at the weekend. Cambridge and Caltech boffins made mice from stem cells.
“You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of god, go” (David Davies)
Dog Shit Monday
Haiga – In the Pink
On a frosty, cold Monday morning, shed boy and girl ran their van engine for 10 minutes and hollered at each other. I shouted angrily at the window. Phil smirked at me: “They need to defrost the windscreen.” “Yes, but they don’t have to add to the noise by yelling!” Patchy sun insufficient to dispel the chill, Phil made tasty porridge. As I complimented his efforts, he sceptically suggested there was a ‘but’ coming. “No there isn’t. Stop fishing!” Posting the journal, WordPress encountered an error. Anxious at losing a morning’s work, I recovered most of it. Taking the recycling out, I trod in unseen dog shit near the bins. Irritated at having to clean my boot again, I stood on one leg to scrub it off over the drain, dodging cars and parents with toddlers. As I fumed on the sofa, Phil sympathised and blamed too many lockdown dogs. I leafed through dusty books under the coffee table, finding photography self-study notes. Untouched for 4 years, maybe I should get back to it. After placing on-line orders for essentials, I did some yoga but got no rest. Officially Blue Monday, I reflected that was last week for me. Shitty Monday more like!
Cases dropping 38% in a week, Oliver Dowdy predicted an end to Plan B restrictions on 26th January. Mike Tildesley foresaw a flu-like relationship with the virus by the end of 2022. All teens could have a booster but ex Vaccine Taskforce chair Dr. Clive Dix thought they were needless and mass vaccinations should end. Boosters: “stop the vulnerable and elderly” getting seriously ill and dying, “so they’re the ones we should focus on.” Former Number 10 official Sonia Khan claimed there was a long-standing drinks culture and The Scumbag blogged he told Boris to call off the 20th May do. Prepared to swear in court, he claimed others were willing to join him. Meanwhile, photos emerged of Keir having a beer in the officer during the April 2021 Hartlepool by-election. He responded that they took a break for a take-away and got back to work. In the BBC’s 100th year, Nads Doris told MPs the licence fee would be frozen for 2 years, but back-tracked on total abolition, saying that was ‘up for discussion’. She said the real-terms cut put “more money in the pockets of families who are struggling to make ends meet.” Err, how about cutting VAT on fuel bills and reinstating the Universal Credit uplift? Lucy Powell called it a vendetta and nicked our line that Operation Red Meat was “designed to stop the prime minister becoming dead meat.” £4.3 billion worth of fraudulent covid-related payments were written off, dwarfing the licence bill. As the navy refused to assist Nasty Patel in persecuting migrants in dinghies, Phil remarked: “Dead dog more like!” On Jeremy Vine the next morning, James Gammon had a point that the military were used to this type of thing, although they’d rescue people, not drown them! The House of Lords threw out the police bill clause concerning loud protests and added one on criminalising misogyny. I predicted that would get ditched in the commons.
Porky Pies and Piggy Eyes
Dog Mess Notice
Rainbow dawn colours complimented icing-sugar roofs Tuesday, presaging a bright, chilly day. After a decent night, I had a productive morning working on the journal and cleaning the kitchen window, before Phil tackled the blind. Looking lovely out, we discussed a walk but as the sun waned in the valley, we declared it too cold. I went to a busy, raucous co-op, noting the meat products had shifted. Was it to disguise shortages? In the afternoon, I reviewed my novel – quite funny in places if I say so myself! I then tried to block the din of canalside diggers with earplugs and rest. In a series of night-time covid dreams, I debated masks with the deceased friend.
Interviewed on Sky, Boris reiterated regret for misjudgements and upset, especially to the queen, but denied anybody told him the 20th May gathering was against the rules, to which Keir said he shouldn’t need telling as he set the rules. Scotland ‘turned the corner’ on Omicron leading to the lifting of restrictions from next Monday. Working from home and masks would stay. There’d be no extension of the Covid Pass but still required in nightclubs, you had to prove you’d also been boosted. Rishi and Saj were ‘cautiously optimistic’ England would follow suit. Inflation at 5.4% December (the highest since March 1992), real pay fell 1%, employment went up 0.6% (a 1.4% increase on pre-pandemic levels) and unemployment fell 0.1%. The debt charity StepChange found 1/3 adults struggled to pay bills and a tweet from an infuriated Jack Monroe that the index used: ‘grossly underestimates the real cost of inflation as it happens to people with the least’, went viral. Sick of ‘governments’ jiggery-pokery’ with figures, Sharon Graham of Unite said the RPI revealed a real cost of living increase of 7.5% and they’d appoint their own experts to produce a ‘working index of inflation’. ONS would subsequently work on inflation calculators to better reflect real everyday prices. DG Tim Davie warned moving to a subscription service would mean a BBC no longer able to do what it did.
Phil working hard in the gig economy from bed Wednesday, even using the hairdryer didn’t shift him right away. Wanting to speed up so we could go out in a sunnier, warmer day, a bitty living room slowed me down as did the sun blazing through the kitchen window. I tried adjusting the blind which he’d left fully open. Easy my arse! Irate and exhausted, I settled down with coffee for another commons blockbuster.
In the so-called Pork Pie Plot*, red wall tories planned to oust Boris. Defecting backbencher Christian Wakeford crossed to the labour benches just before PMQs creating uproar akin to a zoo. Appearing with piggy eyes as though he’d been crying, The Bumbler started with platitudes and Keir started by welcoming Wakeford, and queried Boris’ serial excuses; the ’very carefully crafted responses’ sounding ‘like a lawyer wrote it’. An evasive Boris blathered that his judgements led to ‘the fastest growing economy in the G7’ and the fab vaccine roll-out and when asked: “if the PM misleads parliament, should he resign?” he answered: “wait for the inquiry.” Referring to a dog’s dinner, Ian Blackford called Boris’ excuses ‘pathetic’. Instead of ‘taking the British public for fools’, he should ‘take responsibility and resign’. No, said Boris, prating about restrictions lifting thanks to co-operation across the UK. An unmollified Blackford told him “Nobody’s buying this anymore, he’s partying and laughing…and not fit for office.” I got ready for our walk after the main questions so missed David Davies’ bombshell. Citing Leopold Amery’s words to Neville Chamberlain the veteran declared: “In the name of god, go.” And he was no red wall tory! In the aftermath, Laura K revealed the 2019 intake were referred to as a litter of puppies. Were they running around chasing their tails? You may recall the Bury South MP, dubbed Wokeford by rancorous tories, was embroiled in the boozy Gibraltar trip last November.
We got pies from the bakers and headed to the park. Too many excitable dogs for my liking, we continued to the canal. Perturbed by a bevy of geese, Phil advised they were harmless and wouldn’t come after our food which we munched perched on a low wall before taking the towpath to the next lock, crossing to an ancient clough and exploring untrodden paths. Phil laughed when I snapped a dog mess notice, but as he referred to a bird in the brush as ‘a lady balckbird’, I chuckled in turn (see below). Very muddy stretches ended in a slippery descent to the green bridge, made more hazardous when a large mutt came our way. Although not steep, I panted on the incline and remarked it was due to weeks of no actual walking. At the farm, we veered down to the station, returned to the park and admired gnarly bark edging the mossy riverside path. Phil nipped in the co-op and I continued home to find two tiny plants on the garden wall. The ‘free to good home’ note didn’t excuse them treating the wall as communal. The plants matching the one from the local charity, I took them to the doorstep and thought I’d better find out what they were now I had 3. Struggling to shed my boots, I was just about done when Phil arrived. Collapsing on the couch, I reflected it was nice to get some outdoor exercise, even if it was mainly in the shady valley. Actually feeling sleepy, I was inevitably unable to do so.
Attempting to appease rebellious tories, the scrapping of Plan B was announced. Masks in classrooms and the work from home directive ended immediately, with workers told to go in even if they felt ill! Steve Barclay ordered civil servants back to the office. All other restrictions were ditched from next Thursday with ‘advice’ to keep face coverings. The need to isolate would lapse on or before 24th March, easing of travel would follow and there’d be a plan to ‘live with covid like flu’. It didn’t go unnoticed that Goblin Saj led the press conference rather than the PM. No contrary sage advice, the ONS Community infection Survey reported UK cases falling consistently for the first time since November, except in Northern Ireland. But another ONS survey showed Omicron 16 times more infectious; double that for the unvaccinated. Almost 64% of over 12’s boosted was all very well, but with thousands hospitalised and an average 266 deaths a day in the depths of winter, doctors rightly urged public caution. On BBC Breakfast, Jason Leitch lauded the Scottish approach and referred to LFTs as sci-fi. He meant because you could do them at home but it was grist to the mill for conspiracy theorists. Fearful of cholera outbreaks after the tsunami, 2 New Zealand naval ships took water to a covid-free Tonga. Australia and Japan also sent aid.
A bright, frosty Thursday turned nithering when the sun went behind the hill. Phil not daring to wake me, I overslept. As he didn’t hear a timid door knock, I bad-temperedly answered it for the postie to hand me a tiny box from Boots. Expecting several items, I worried the quizzical look I gave her appeared rude. Soon after, Phil answered a second knock and accepted a larger parcel. Why on earth did they not combine them? As I strove to get going, a bluebottle flew in the bedroom. It flew out when Phil opened the window. I started dusting when the landline rang. From the top of the stairs, I caught a garbled message from the Ocado driver, and rang back. He wanted to deliver early but I told him it wasn’t convenient. Annoyed at all the interruptions, Phil thankfully took the tray away enabling me to continue tidying. The minute I turned the laptop on, the delivery arrived. After we’d sorted that lot, it was almost noon meaning writing was foreshortened. Later, I cleared a stack of junk e-mail, completed a survey and played Wordle. Unaware of this social media phenomenon until Countdown Susie talked about it on telly, I guessed the word in 5 goes. Not bad for a first try, I tweeted the results.
Pork Pie Plot MPs complained of blackmail from tory whips, with threats constituency funding could be withdrawn if they didn’t toe the party line. William Wragg advised they report intimidation to the police to be accused of attention-seeking. He then arranged to meet The Met next week. The Bumbler visiting Rutherford Diagnostic Centre in Taunton, knew nothing. Number 10 refused to investigate, citing a lack of evidence. Zara Rutherford (no relation to the famous scientist) became the youngest woman to fly solo round the globe. The Glove-puppet met developers to ask them to pay to replace dangerous cladding. Newscast presenters stuffed pork pies in their gobs as they précised the plot and challenged Simon Clarke for referring to Partygate as ‘frustrating’. Viewers ‘shouting at the telly’ might use other words for it!
Sausages and Meatloaf
Lady Blackbird
No frost on near roofs Friday morning, those a street away were encrusted. With office fodder returning to crush hour on public transport, BBC Breakfast discussed plans to reduce loud tannoy announcements. Voiceover artist Emma Clarke, famous for ‘mind the gap’ and no relation to the tory MP, defended what Grant Shats called a Bonfire of the Banalities. Look who’s talking! And what about blind people who needed to know where to get off? Jeremy Vine featured footage of Millie the Jack Russel. Stuck in mudflats in Hants she was rescued when a sausage was dangled from a drone. Far too much airtime was wasted on Meat Loaf. The worst rock singer in history who refused to be ‘controlled’ by vaccine, died of covid. At least that was one less Trump meathead on the planet!
On the way to the co-op, I saw the postie. Glad of the opportunity, I explained the funny look I gave her Thursday. She was very nice about it. Lots of missing fresh fruit and veg, I found a bargain chicken.
Kwarteng said we’d have to wait until the chancellor’s spring statement in March to know if we got any help with energy bills. Trussed-up Liz had Vlad Putin quaking in his boots (sic) as she threatened consequences if he invaded Ukraine. Look North went to Halifax where schools complained of allowing mask-less kids in class during ‘peak week’. Andrew Lee of Sheffield University thought it too soon. Broadcasting from what looked like a bare white-walled cell, we wondered why he wasn’t in front of his wonky picture of Clifford’s Tower. Was he isolating?
Fatty Tubbutt was absent from Saturday Kitchen, reportedly having his appendix removed. His excess fat more like! They played ‘would I pork pie to you? ‘with guest Rob Brydon. See what they did there! Grey and cold, we stayed indoors. I worked on the journal, wrote a haigai and posted an entry on Cool Placesii. Continuing the kitchen spring clean, the top corner shelves were festooned by cobwebs. We sorted a pile of cookery books and pamphlets, put some unused ones in a charity bag and some in the bin. The idea of a Guardianista finding the Yotam Ottolenghi supplement made us laugh “featured in this week’s recycling…” Phil went to rest his aching back, leaving me to the bulk of the dinner prep.
After inadequate sleep, I awoke Sunday absolutely parched The first time I’d caught the new Sunday Morning programme since Marr left, WHO Dr. Maria Van Kerkhove ‘pushed back’ against calling coronavirus ‘bad flu’. Billions still unvaccinated, the pandemic wasn’t done with us yet and variants would continue to emerge, possibly worse than Omicron. Maybe I thought, but it wasn’t in the virus’ interests to kill all the hosts. Alarmed by an end to self-isolation, she urged exiting ‘gracefully, carefully, slowly’ and using masks as an easy way to slow the spread. Batting away suggestions he may be in line for Boris’ job, Rabid Raab trotted out the party lines on the great vaccine programme and ‘the fastest growing economy’. He informed us it was up to the PM how much of Sue Gray’s report would be made public. Expanded to include visits to number 10 by Carrie Antionette’s friends, the inquiry could be never-ending! Nasrat Ghani claimed she was sacked from her ministerial post for being Muslim. Raab said she should’ve put in a formal complaint at the time. Chief whip Mark Spencer considered her allegation of islamophobia defamatory. See you in court!
Another grey scene, Phil reckoned it wasn’t that bad out but disposing of recycling, I declared it far too cold for visiting the dank woods. I brought the tiny plants in for repotting and looked them up on Google. Kalanchoe or Widow’s Thrill (tropical succulents from Madagascar), were tolerant and easy to propagate. I could grow some more for next Christmas. I spent the rest of the day writing.
Two years since the first Wuhan lockdown, China still battled to confine cases before the Beijing Winter Olympics and hamsters in Hong Kong caught covid. Joe Biden met Anthony Blinken and his defence team to discuss Russian aggression. Trussed-up Liz had ‘credible evidence’ Moscow planned to install a pro-Russian leader in Ukraine. They dismissed the reports as misinformation and ‘stupid rhetoric’. Supposed puppet Yevhen Murayhev told The Observer it wasn’t logical.
*Pork Pie Plot – so-called after one of the ringleaders, Alicia Kearns, MP for Melton Mowbray
“Unless there are immediate, rapid and large-scale reductions in greenhouse gas emissions, the 1.5oC target will be beyond reach” (Tamsin Edwards)
Code Red
Haiga – Attraction
Sunny the next two days, I hankered to be better. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. Monday, Phil took charge of chores and shopping while I posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal. I stayed up after dinner to watch iPlayer then went back to bed for Newsnight and got caught up in Secrets of the Museum. The biggest exposé was that so many nerds worked at the V&A!
On BBC Breakfast, Prof. Chris Smith warned flu could be worse next winter because there weren’t enough samples from last year while Linda Bauld thought responses to future covid surges should be targeted as the disease became endemic rather than pandemic. Although vaccine hesitancy fell from 14% to 11% in 16-17 year olds and from 10% to 9% for 18-21 year olds, it remained high in London and rose from 18% to 21% among ethnic minorities. Nicola Sturgeon got butterflies in her tummy as Scottish restrictions eased and nightclubs opened. Anti-vaxxers stormed White City TV Centre, unaware the BBC moved out in 2013. Berlin’s ‘long night of vaccination’ contributed to the EU overtaking the USA in the vaccine race (60% had a jab as opposed to 58%). 63% of Italians fully inoculated, they needed proof to access indoor entertainment. Belarus despot Lukashenko spluttered we could ‘choke’ on sanctions; they didn’t even know the UK existed until 1,000 years ago and they still didn’t want to: “you are America’s lapdog.” “The 1970’s wants its clichés back!” laughed Phil.
In a bid to save Geronimo the alpaca, 30 protesters marched from DEFRA to Downing Street. Twice testing positive for TB, the pet was so far not dead or even ill and hadn’t infected other animals. His owner maintained results showed false-positives and her calls for better testing were echoed by activists who also wanted cows and badgers vaccinated instead of culled. More storm warnings followed a soggy weekend and the UN IPCC report* issued a ‘code red for humanity’. Extensive research proved it was ‘unequivocal’ that human activity caused rising sea levels, glacial retreat and extreme weather. Ice sheet collapse, changing ocean circulation and higher warming also possible, they could be averted if emissions were net zero by 2050. Dr. Tamsin Edwards of Kings’ College said there must be immediate, rapid and large-scale reductions in greenhouse gases. UK politicians responded they’d done more than other countries. Well, that’s alright then!
Tuesday, I spent the morning on niggly admin including sorting the holiday cottage payment. Previously told it was done, the money hadn’t gone through. Venturing down for coffee, I found a sink full of washing up and a filthy table which I bad-temperedly cleaned while doing some pre-cooking. Despite the prep, dinner took ages and led to painful indigestion at bedtime. The meditation soundtrack ineffectual, I resorted to Gaviscon and eventually dropped off.
146 covid deaths was the most since 26th March. 89% of adults had a first jab and 75% were fully vaccinated but only 1% of 16-17 year olds had one. Goblin Saj awaited JCVI approval to offer boosters to the vulnerable and over 50’s from September, at the same time as (useless) flu jabs. Andrew Pollard claimed they were superfluous and didn’t ‘look good’ when other parts of the world had none. He also said the infectiousness of the Delta variant made herd immunity impossible. Andrew Haywood advised future lockdowns target only the vulnerable and that testing of the asymptomatic should cease, as in Germany. PCR collection boxes full to overflowing, the government asked for a review of the over 400 companies profiting from the tests. Travellers branded them a rip-off. After failing to get the CE job, Dildo quit NHS improvement. She obviously thought: ‘my work here is done!’
The previous night’s Panorama revealed Camoron made £7m out of Greensill. On Jeremey Vine, Jacqui Smith gave an excellent explanation of why taxpayers were out of pocket after the company’s collapse. Did she want her old job back? it then emerged US biotech firm Illumina benefitted from him lobbying The Cock to get contracts. Results based on teacher assessments saw 44.8% of A level students achieving a grade A of which 17% were A*. 70.1% for private school pupils, the government insisted a range of assessment methods depending on circumstances and quality assurance overseen by exam bodies, ensured fairness. Shadow minister Kate Green complained a rushed, failed, standardisation system led to the disparity. Pupils from Brampton Manor Academy, Newham belied the stats with 55 Oxbridge offers, more than Eton at 48. SQA also reported more top marks for Scottish pupils and a disparity between rich and poor areas.
Slightly better but still wobbly Wednesday, I feebly attempted to clean the bedroom then sat on the bed and worked on my autumn submission for Valley Life magazine. Managing lunch downstairs, I discovered the kitchen somewhat cleaner. I took a cuppa back to bed, bought some essentials online and answered a call from a community carers volunteer, asking me to the cinema Tuesday morning. “No thanks, I can’t do that.” “Is it a transport thing?” “No, it’s a morning thing.” I lay down for a spell while Phil went to the shop.
Max Woosley celebrated sleeping outdoors for 500 nights and raising £550,000 for a local hospice, by wild camping. Triggered by an anti-cyclone across Europe and North Africa, fires still raged. Now 3 dead on Evia, Greek PM Kyriakos Mitsotakis said sorry. Sicily hit a European record of 48.8oC. Elsewhere, 65 were killed in Algeria by a suspected deliberate blaze and The Dixie Fire in California wiped out the historic gold rush town of Greenville. “We’re fucked!” declared Phil. Half a million homes had no telly when North Yorkshire’s main transmitter was set ablaze. Fearing investment in HS2 and Northern Powerhouse rail wouldn’t materialise, mayors Jarvis and Brabin met in Sheffield to call for the integrated rail plan to be published. Both wore Yorkshire ‘Y’ lapel badges, his yellow, hers red – surely they should be white?
Dangerous Crossings
Street Garden
After the first decent sleep for days, loud diggers on the canal Irritatingly woke me Thursday morning. I forced myself to do a few exercises. Carrying the laptop and tray down needed two trips, making my kegs ache. I started computer work when the cheery Ocado deliverer arrived. An inferior bottle carrier dangerously ripped as I lifted it. Mid-morning by then, Phil complained he’d achieved nothing so far but conceded I’d done well after 10 days in bed. About to go to town on a warm and sunny afternoon, Phil said he was coming. I left him to get ready and arranged to meet in the square. Despite the late hour, I acquired a few veg and overdue toiletries on the market and saw the woman who lived next door who’d recently returned from visiting family in Poland. Waiting for Phil, I chatted with an old mate outside the pub in the square. Following a cancer diagnosis last year, he said chemo and radiotherapy had cured it. In the meantime, thinking he’d be dead by Christmas, he’d given loads of stuff away. “So, now, you’re still here in an empty house!” “Yep, I’m still here in an empty house!” When Phil arrived, we made a few charity shop purchases, dossed on a bench and picked mint on the way home. Nearby residents had installed wicker chairs beneath a sign declaring it a garden.
PHE now said vaccines saved 84,000 lives but a rise in new cases to almost 3,000, suggested the drop in infections had stalled. Increases in all UK nations especially Northern Ireland and all English regions except the North East, it was greater in Yorks & Humber. Rates grew in all age groups except 10-19, most in 20-29 year olds and least in the over 80’s. GDP up 4.8% April-June, Pladis didn’t say why the Glasgow McVities biscuit factory was closing. 28.9% of GCSE entries achieved top grades and pupils getting all top marks rose 36%. Girls widened the gap with boys and rich kids outstripped poorer. Ofqual attributed it to the uneven impact of coronavirus but labour said the government had abandoned those eligible for free school meals. Coupled with exam results earlier in the week, claims of inflated grades ensued. On Newsnight, Rishi evaded questions about Boris’ yacht and said there’d be “absolutely no return to austerity.” Watch this space! Referring to vouchers for electric cars, we laughed it would take years to collect them from The Sun. The ISS received a consignment of spare parts, pizza and slime mould. Had they not seen any sci-fi horror movies?
Jake Davison shot 5 dead in Plymouth then himself. No motive disclosed, it later transpired his gun permit was withdrawn in December and recently returned. The IOPC investigated and gun licence guidance subsequently changed, advising social media checks to see if applicants were nutters. How about banning guns altogether? Davison was linked to the misogynistic incel, a growing threat according to security expert Will Geddes. Vigils for the victims followed (his mum Maxine, 3 year old Sophie Martyn and her dad Lee, Stephen Washington and Kate Shepherd).
On the day a record 592 crossed the Channel, the French rescued passengers on a sinking boat 13 miles off Dunkirk. A man died prompting a manslaughter investigation. Clandestine Channel Threat Commander Dan O’Mahoney said the death was “a tragic reminder of the importance of stopping migrants from leaving the safety of France on these dangerous crossings. The government’s new plan for immigration is the only long-term solution to fix the broken system, tackle the criminal gangs and prevent more tragedies.” Lisa Doyle of The Refugee Council countered: “The government must change its approach. Instead of seeking to punish or push away people seeking safety because of the type of journey they have made to the UK, they must create and commit to safe routes…While there is war, persecution and violence, people will be forced to take dangerous journeys to seek safety.”
Friday, it was Phil’s turn to struggle with bad eyes and dizziness. After chores and hanging washing out in a sunny breeze, I went to the co-op. Able to pay at the kiosk for the small load, the stupid cashier didn’t ask for my members’ card so I irksomely missed out on using coupons. Neglected for weeks, the garden had gone mad in the alternating wet and sunny periods. I hacked at thorns and weeded enough to regain the path, greeting a few neighbours as they passed by. Somehow, I got insect spray on my lips. Phil in the bathroom, I couldn’t wash it off and tried to ignore the numbness as I swept detritus into a pile. Phil then decided to clean the living room. Bad timing as I really needed to sit after my exertions. When I rose from the afternoon siesta, it was raining. I rushed to bring a sheet in, then the sun came out.
On BBC Breakfast, Calum Semple presented his report on hospital infections during the first wave and assured us there’d been huge improvements since the early days. I should hope so! Spurred by easing and returning students, Prof. James Naismith expected a fourth wave in September and urged more effective campaigns to encourage the hesitant to get immunised. A small study of volunteers showed those double-jabbed with Moderna had antibodies six months later, including against the Delta variant. New infections were detected at ‘unfit’ Napier barracks where migrants slept in dorms.
Dire Times
Cruiser Turning
Still feeling ropey on Saturday, Phil watched footie in miniature. Leeds embarrassingly lost to Man Utd 5-1. I watched a terrible Elvis film then dragged myself off the couch to take recycling out and use the co-op coupons before they expired. Phil braved the shop in town. Typically busy, he saw a group of lads wearing underpants outside one of the central pubs. We hoped it was a stag do! That night, I experienced an EHS episode and recalled I’d had a few recently.
Although cloudy, I desperately needed to get out Sunday. Hoping it didn’t rain, a shower came as I prepared for the first local walk in over a month, but promptly stopped again. We went eastwards on the canal, watched a cruiser performing a 3-point turn, noted the number of posh barges had increased and admired a plethora of wildflowers. Turning right before the next village, we picked early blackberries, hastened into the woods as another brief shower descended and rested on a fallen tree near the old quarry. Phil unable to find his baccy and not remembering if he’d brought it out, we re-traced our steps in case he’d dropped it but of course it was on the sofa where he’d left it. Oh well. At least I had new material for a haigai. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Places i i)
Dinner again taking much longer than anticipated, I slumped on the couch with fatigue and backache, managing to spill cooked berries. Phil kindly expunged the purple stain. Standing for him to do so, I swooned with exhaustion. At bedtime, I lay in the pleasant place between wakefulness and sleep for some time.
Peter Emberek of WHO implied Patient Zero was a Wuhan lab worker infected by a bat. ‘Batwoman’ Shi Zhenghi charmingly told her accuser: ‘shut your dirty mouth!’ Only 1.9% of Africans vaccinated but 10 million doses exported from the continent, Gordon Brown called for a western leaders’ summit. As the USA NOAA** confirmed July the hottest ever worldwide, Haiti was hit by an earthquake and tropical Storm Grace a few days later, leaving 2,200 dead. Torrential rain and flash flooding in Turkey’s Black Sea region killed 31.
Doing deals with local officials not to kill them, the Taliban took over major cities Kandahar and Herat, and controlled 2/3 of Afghanistan by midweek. In a public broadcast, President Ashraf Ghani indicated imminent surrender saying consultations were ‘ongoing’ and he wouldn’t let the ’imposed war’ cause more death. The US and UK response entailed cobra meetings and troop deployments to evacuate western nationals, disgustingly abandoning Afghans to their fate. British ministers insisted they had no choice but to leave when America pulled out with associated infrastructure. Sunday evening, the Taliban were in Kabul and the president scarpered. Referring to the rapid advance, Phil said: “They must have planned that for years. NATO could learn a thing or two.” The Commons recalled for an emergency debate Wednesday 18th August, Lisa Nandy wanted to know what took so long? Defending America’s actions, secretary of state Antony Blinken said the original mission was a success – i.e., they’d stopped terror attacks. Jack Straw later agreed it eliminated the threat from Al-Qaeda. If that was the only objective, what was the last 20 years’ ‘nation building’ about? Having recently read ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ by Khaled Hosseini, my heart broke for women and minorities now facing repression and death..
* IPCC – Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
** NOAA – National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
“The Thatcher years might have been a spiffing time for Johnson, who was busy partying in the elite Bullingdon Club, but in the real world Thatcher devastated communities across Scotland” (Owen Thompson)
A Load of Hot Air
Haiga – Palimpsest
Following a bad night, I felt exhausted Monday morning and got back in bed. As my last bout of debilitation over a month ago lasted less than 3 days, I hoped this one would be similar. Alas, it dragged on for over a week leading to deepening depression. Phil tried to cheer me up with funny dancing. However, as my eyes wouldn’t focus, they made me dizzy. He carried the breakfast tray down and returned for the washing. I bathed, donned a sarong and teetered downstairs for coffee and the laptop. Internet issues now into the third week, I managed to post a haiga but doing the journal was impossible. Going back down for lunch, I noticed the machine was on a drying cycle. Fearing for our smalls, Phil frantically pressed buttons until it stopped. Still struggling with unfocused eyes and head fug, I tried to motivate myself to write or do art but didn’t feel like doing anything at all. Very unlike me, even when ill, the mere thought of computer work made me feel sick. I watched an awful telly film and lay down to read. Eyes shutting, I hoped to catch up on some sleep. Sadly not, although I lay with closed eyes for half an hour which slightly helped my vision.
The TIT app was tweaked to only ping if contact had been within 2 days rather than 5. Changes didn’t affect sensitivity or risk threshold. A month-long study by Imperial College reassuringly found no covid on the train network. To encourage vaccine uptake, young people were bribed with taxi rides and kebabs from the likes of Uber and Deliveroo. Kebab-a-Jab was one of a range of schemes across the globe – rollmops in the Netherlands, sausages in Germany, mici in Romania*, popcorn in Australia, a chicken in Indonesia, a lottery to win a gold bar in Hong Kong, and a joint in Washington state (assumingly on top of the $100).
Initially refreshed after more sleep Tuesday, I wobbled on rising and got back in bed. Phil offered to get the mid-morning coffee then disappeared. He then embarked on an arty project which made a nice change from the mind-numbing monotony of his gig economy job. Pissed off missing a sunny day, I opened the window and worked on the laptop. Someone was only just asking the local Facebook group if there were issues with the internet. It beggared belief they’d sit there for 3 weeks without contacting their ISP! I suggested everyone affected lodged complaints to speed up repairs at the exchange. A couple of members responded they had, including a friend, making Phil feel less alone. Early evening, emergency vehicles sped up the hill opposite as helicopters wheeled over the valley. It transpired there were reports of a hot air balloon crashing and bursting into flames. It turned out to be a party balloon. Was the string on fire?
Cases dropping to around 22,000 a day as opposed to the predicted 100,000, Christina Pagel wanted to know why. Mike Tildesley put it down to people being cautious. Prof. Paul Hunter said hospital cases were ‘over the peak’ but 138 deaths was the most since 17th March. An Imperial College React study found 2 jabs cut the chances of catching covid to 3.8%. JCVI now said the risk of myocardia was low and in balancing that against the benefits, offered 16-17 year olds a single jab as soon as practical, with possible roll- out to 12-15 year olds later. Peter Kyle complained they’d squandered the summer.
The ‘Key to NYC’ pass for indoor activities would launch 17th August, to be fully implemented by 13th September. 3 cases identified, all Wuhan citizens were tested for the Delta variant and a slight fall in Indian cases led to some opening up in Mumbai and Maharashtra. Iran suspected of a drone attack on oil tanker Mercer Street killing a Brit and a Rumanian last week, Rabid Raab summoned the ambassador. In a second incident, 9 armed men boarded the Asphalt Princess in the Gulf of Oman and ordered it to sail to Iran.
Seeing Red
The Flying Farage
Although very sleepy, I needed the meditation soundtrack to settle Tuesday night. I then woke several times in the early hours and subsequently dawdled over morning tea and bathing Wednesday morning. I tidied the bed, fetched coffee and worked on the laptop. Speedily backing up photos on OneDrive, I wondered if the internet was fixed. Phil in Leeds, I had no way of checking. I hoped he’d be back in time to enjoy his favourite quick pasta dish with me but he wasn’t. Sun replaced by cloud and occasional showers, he appeared slightly damp.
Ahead of changes to traffic lights, rumours of an ‘amber watchlist’ caused consternation and were later ditched. Amidst a cabinet fallout, Shatts was blamed. Which? reported on tour companies with the best and worst covid policies and encouraged sun-seekers to check the FCO list as well as the lights; were there discrepancies? A GoFundMe page aimed to purchase the RNLI a hovercraft dubbed The Flying Farage. If the target was exceeded, they planned to buy another vessel named Katie Hopkins or Darren Grimes (whoever he was). Drugs deaths up 3.8% in England and Wales and 4.8% in Scotland during 2020, Eytan Alexander of the UK Addiction Treatment Group called it a ‘parallel pandemic’ that had ‘worsened due to the virus’. Ministers denied cuts were to blame, saying they were investing £148m to tackle drug misuse. Belarus opposition leader Svetlana Tiskhavounskya met The Bumbler at Number 10 asking for more support against the despot Lukashenko, after an activist was found hanged in a Kyiv park and Olympian Krystina Tsimanskaya defected. Poland rescued the athlete at Tokyo airport. Meanwhile, the first trans woman to compete failed to win the weightlifting, belying claims of unfair advantage. 13 year old Sky Brown skateboarded to bronze. Already on TV ads, she didn’t say “I don’t feel like it today.” There’d been a lot of that during Shonkyo including Simone Biles withdrawing from team events and Adam Peaty declaring he needed a break.
Awoken by diggers on the canal Thursday morning, I gave up trying to sleep, managed a few small chores and got back into bed to catch up on online ordering. Having confirmed the internet was finally fixed, Phil received a belated call from Talk-Talk to that effect. Dinner taking too long to cook, I collapsed on the sofa to watch Netflix for the first time in ages but retired early for another mediocre night.
PHE said vaccines averted 66,9000 hospital admissions but according to Amanda Pritchard, of 5,000 ‘seriously ill’ patients, a fifth were aged 18-34. She urged young people to ‘not delay’ sorting their jabs. Traffic light changes turned Mexico red requiring airborne travellers to come home within 2 days or pay increased quarantine hotel costs of £2,285. Germany, Norway, Romania, Austria, Latvia, Slovenia and Slovakia went green. Spain stayed amber with PCR tests advised before returning. Qatar, Bahrain and UAE moved to amber, as did India but not Pakistan. MPs Naz Shah and Yasmin Qureshi saw red at unclear criteria and the government rewarding countries that offered economic benefits to the UK. On GMB, Shats insisted the changes only happened every 3 weeks leading to more stability, and were based on various factors and advice from the joint Biosecurity Centre. Was that the same JBC whose boss resigned over the ‘watchlist’ debacle?
90,000 EU citizens left UK hospitality jobs due to Brexit and covid as a new daily record of 482 people crossing The Channel made a total so far of 10,000 in 2021. Meanwhile, almost 60,000 arrived in Europe with 1,016 dead or missing. Steve Valdez-Symonds of Amnesty International UK said: “the reason people are putting themselves in serious danger…is that there are simply no safe alternatives open to them.” He urged French and UK governments to come together to fulfil their responsibilities: “On a global scale, very few people seek asylum in the UK and politicians need to stop peddling myths and stoking hostility towards often vulnerable people who’ve experienced persecution and trauma.” 11 people arrested over the racial abuse of Rashford, Sancho and Saka, the police promised more would follow. After wrecking rooms, the Shonkyo Australian rugby team raided drinks, threw up and ruined the bog on a JAL flight home.
Inferno
Park Psychedelia
Turning cold and rainy for the next few days, it seemed positively autumnal. Friday, I posted a psychedelic version of a photo of summery park blooms for Elder Sis’ birthday and the journal entry delayed from Monday, then backed up files but wished I hadn’t. Later copying notes over, I discovered a week’s journal work lost. I must have overwritten the wrong ones! On a brighter note, I booked a reasonably priced short break. Hitherto finding costs in my preferred choice destination astronomical, I considered Blackpool when I came across reference to a site we’d used some years back. Cottages in the last-minute bargain section were even cheaper when I plumped for later dates. Problems at the end of the verifying process led to an anxious 20 minutes hanging on the phone to speak to a person and be assured the booking had gone through. Dinner taking ages again, I got very tired and knocked a wine glass off the top. Sweeping up what fragments I could see on the kitchen floor, one scooted under the fridge. impossible to tell if I’d missed any small shards, I warned Phil not to walk about bare-footed until we’d hoovered.
ONS found a 39% drop in cases with infections down across the UK except Northern Ireland where they were the highest since 23rd January and the first 16-year-old got a Pfizer jab. In Australia, Victoria state started a week-long lockdown and NSW entered a seventh week after 5 deaths, one of whom was vaccinated. “They did it wrong. Not enough herd immunity.” Intoned Phil. Hypocrite minister and chair of COP26 Alok Sharma flew to 30 countries since February and didn’t isolate after trips to red-listed Bolivia and Brazil. David Lammy called the amount of travel ‘bizarre’. Munira Wilson said: “It seems incredible that this government never seems to learn the lesson; it simply cannot be one rule for them and one rule for everyone else.” Sharma also reportedly met Prince Charles indoors mask-less and visited a primary school. Fatty Soames’ Serco saw profits up 31%, thanks in part to 17% of the company’s contracts being covid related. BOE forecasted 4% inflation by the end of 2021 but expecting it to be temporary, left interest base rates at 0.1%. A 50% rise in wholesale energy led Ofgem to raise the cap on variable tariffs from 1st October.
In Scotland not visiting the first minister, Boris laughed that Thatcher gave us a ‘big early start’ on dealing with climate change by shutting coal mines. Sturgeon exclaimed his comment was ‘crass and deeply insensitive’ and SNP MP Owen Thompson observed they might have been spiffing for the PM, but in the real world, the Thatcher years devastated communities.
Thanks to moderate drinking, I wasn’t hungover Saturday morning but felt woefully unrested. Making the morning cuppa, I found a tiny spider in a mug. The poor thing went round and round in a circle. I stood on the doorstep, shook it onto the replanted rose, said ‘hello world’ and retreated back indoors. Realising it had probably hatched under the living room floorboards and dropped down to the kitchen on a string, I reflected there could be millions living there. Phil concurred, then spotted a larger spider brazenly sauntering across the bedroom floor. Another rescue ensued. Fed up of niggles interrupting my dossing, I thought I might as well have breakfast. Returning to bed, I replenished lost journal notes and used a colourful photo from Brighouse for a haigai. Phil cleaned the kitchen, disposing of glass shards, went to the shop and cooked dinner. I had a terrible night. The heavy rain initially soothing, I fell asleep briefly then woke to toss and turn until 4.15 a.m. Becoming anxious by the relentless downpour, I almost burst into tears before eventually getting a few hours aided by the meditation soundtrack.
Still wet Sunday morning, at least the rain wasn’t as bad. More than could be said of me. Phil asked “Are you better?” “No, I feel awful. I told you I hardly slept!” He stroked me comfortingly as though I were a kitten and suggested we go charity shopping Monday. “What for?” “I thought you wanted to.” “I never said that. It must’ve been a boring dream.” “Yep. That sounds about right.” Back upstairs, I soaked a shirt I’d managed to spill drink on and cleaned the bath before going back to bed to draft-post the journal. Despite assurances, I was still receiving e-mails telling me to complete the holiday cottage booking. I sent a message back and trusting all would be okay, researched things to do in the area. Phil cut his hair and emerged looking like arch-druid Veran from Britannia, minus the tattooed runes. He then made a variation of his signature austerity roast for dinner. While again needing sleep aids, it was a distinct improvement on the previous night.
Cases now falling except among 18-29 year olds, Heaven offered vaccines to nightclubbers leading to totals of 89% adults having one jab and 74% having two. In a short-term fix, Operation Rescript put army lorry drivers on 5 day notice to help out with the HGV shortage. A string of wildfires created an inferno across southern Europe. 21 British fire & rescue personnel were sent to Greece, 1,000 were evacuated from the island of Evia and a volunteer was killed. In Sardinia, a sheepdog died of burns after protecting his flock.
*Mici – a type of sausage which Phil said he’d prefer above all the other bribes
“If it’s good enough for London, it’s good enough for us” (Tracy Brabin)
Rude Blokes
Haiga – Avenue i
After the rude awakening in the early hours, I dropped back into deep sleep when Phil woke me Monday morning saying it was late. Exhausted after a crap night, I considered a curt retort but thought better of it. Barely able to move my neck, a few painful exercises eased it slightly. I’d only just finished my cuppa when Phil announced he was taking the tray away. “Don’t rush me!” “Sorry, I’m trying to be helpful.” “I know, but I feel harassed.” The usual round of Monday chores and blog posting ensued. Unable to add photos to the journal, turning the laptop off and on again fixed the issue but the process remained slow. The co-op quiet that afternoon, an ignoramus threw his shopping on the conveyer before I’d moved forward at the checkout. “Do you mind?” I asked pointedly, to which I got a blank look in response. How rude! Changeable all day with some thunder, for once I’d managed to run the errand in a sunny spell. I lingered at the doorstep to chat to the rarely seen next-door neighbour. She’d recently married and invited us to a post-covid party in July. I got rid of a pile of recycling before the heavens opened again. In the evening I set about repairing a new rip in my favourite jeans but the patch of old denim I found was too light. My neck still painful and stiff, some yoga stretches and a massage at bedtime aided sleep.
Consistent falls in cases, hospitalisations and deaths saw the Covid-19 alert level downgraded to 3 for the first time since mid-September. The Bumbler announced the next stage of the roadmap would go ahead as expected on 17th May, allowing indoor hospitality, entertainment and activities, including soft play centres and hotels. Students would return to uni and secondary pupils didn’t have to wear masks. Calls to use ‘common sense’ and ‘caution’ were back, as was the rule of 6 for private houses and overnight stays (or 2 households). Officially allowed to hug, there was no mention of face-licking.
Keir told the first meeting of the re-shuffled cabinet he wasn’t shifting blame. The parliamentary commissioner for standards set to investigate Boris’ trip to Mustique 16 months ago, ‘facilitated’ by Carphone Warehouse tycoon David Ross, newly-promoted Angela Rayner said: “The public have a right to know who paid for (his) luxury Caribbean holiday and the renovation of his flat. Most importantly, we need to know what these donors were promised or expected in return for their generosity…(he) needs to stop using the office of PM as an opportunity to fund his lavish lifestyle and enrich his mates.” New mayor Tracy Brabin spoke on Look North of not taking anything for granted and working hard for ‘the people I grew up with’. On a ‘tap in, tap out’ system for public transport, she stated: “If it’s good enough for London, it’s good enough for us.” Quite!
Northern Soaks
Flooded then Infested
Tuesday morning, I woke at 8 and got revenge on Phil by rousing him from sleep. Neck improved, my right shoulder had gone stiff. Exercise and bathing helped somewhat. Following a spot of cleaning and writing, I set off for the main square to meet The Researcher. As she approached, I recognised her immediately from her profile photo. It was so lovely to meet in person after a year of on-line correspondence! Commenting on the busyness of the place in spite of the grey midweek conditions, we shared anecdotes on the trials of shopping, washing money and quarantining purses. “I still do that,” I confessed, “no-one has yet told me it doesn’t make any difference.” “Shall we get out of here?”
Talking and walking to the nearby clough, we discussed love of place, our backgrounds and assorted issues. Wanting to give her a flavour of my frequent visits, we climbed over the small wall to look at ‘the swamp’, flooded after copious rainfall. Heading for the ‘islands’, a tribe of kids clutching fishing nets and accompanied by a few adults, descended to infest them. Rather ragamuffin to be on a school outing, and the grown-ups rather ‘yummy mummy’ I deduced they were from the nearby free school. Giving them a wide berth, we continued up the top path and turned left onto cobbles. It started raining and a matter of minutes before heavy showers caught us so we agreed to return to the shelter of trees. Loud thunder cracks tore through the clouds as sizeable hailstones assailed us. Hastily making our way back down the clough, we noted the ragamuffins had scarpered. Back in town, we bade farewell and pledged to meet again. I hurried home to get warm with a change of clothes and a cuppa. Editing photos, the laptop played up again so I turned it off and went for a lie down. Phil had gone to Leeds for the first time this year. Just as I was about to make dinner, another downpour descended and he returned predictably tired and soaking wet. Letting him recover, I didn’t begrudge the lack of help cooking or clearing a sinkful of dishes, but became slightly irked when he came down to stand around in the middle of the kitchen. That night, I lay listening to yet more thunderstorms until eventually falling asleep.
Pomp scaled back, the Queen’s speech boasted of plans for ‘unleashing our nation’s full potential’. Promised legislation included a pile of stuff nobody cared about like voter ID, or wanted, such as scrapping the fixed-term parliament, the police bill and the HS2 line from Crewe to Manchester, while the Health and Social Care Bill to integrate NHS and social care, was delayed again, even though Boris said he had a plan ready on the day he became PM 2 years ago. Martin Green of Care England asked: ‘How long can the care system limp on like this?’ The CBI lauded the speech as good for jobs and connectivity but Keir said it was full of ‘short-term gimmicks’, ‘distant promises’ and papered ‘over the cracks’.
The commons treasury committee released details of 45 messages from Camoron to ministers and officials concerning Greensill. As allegations relating to its collapse were ‘potentially criminal in nature’, the FCA were also investigating the company. Media descended on Batley to discuss ‘levelling up’. Focussing on the upcoming by-election, they failed to mention the vacancy was due to the current Labour MP becoming mayor. Golden-haired boy Jordan Banks was struck by lightning playing football in Blackpool. His organs were donated to 3 other children after his death.
Attempting to post for my nieces’ birthday Wednesday morning, she’d disappeared from social media. I messaged Elder Sis to send on best wishes. She reported back that the family were fine and my nephew was back in Wuhan, having a more ‘normal life’ than they were in London! Walking Friend called round as arranged. She commented on the plethora of bluebells in the gardens (of blue and white), which made me appreciate them anew.
We gravitated into the square. “What are we doing?” “Looking for somewhere to eat.” “Not here.” We settled on the Turkish café. Starting fine but rain likely, we sat under an awning for different versions of breakfast and a catch-up. She said there’d been no hail on the moors yesterday, unlike the valley. When the showers came they thankfully weren’t as heavy as Tuesday. Browsing the charity shops, I found nothing I wanted but curated films for her to play on her new DVD player and showed her how to check the condition. “Like records” “Yes. You can wash them like vinyl too. But don’t dunk them in the sink!” We sheltered in a doorway for a smoke, said cheerio and went our separate ways. Phil had cleaned the kitchen floor and hung washing up while I was out which was nice, especially since I’d felt overwhelmed by day-to-day chores after a week in bed and 2 days out. At bed-time, pouring rain and the generator competed to be loudest. Using earplugs and the meditation tape, I dropped in and out of slumber.
A month ahead of schedule, we were asked to make appointments for second vaccine doses, while 38-39 year olds were invited for a first. Amid warnings of circulating mutants, scientists called a new strain of the Indian variant ‘very concerning’. A surge of B.1.617.2 led to the highest number country-wide in Erewash, Derbyshire, followed by Bolton where targeted testing and a vaccination bus were introduced. A WHO report commissioned from the Independent Panel for Pandemic Preparedness and Response said a quicker international reaction to the Wuhan outbreak would’ve prevented a global catastrophe, it took too long for a public health emergency to be declared, and February 2020 was a ‘lost month’ when many more countries could have acted to prevent the spread. The Bumbler announced a covid commemoration commission with a memorial at St. Paul’s cathedral and an independent public inquiry into the government’s handling of the crisis, spring 2022. Keir asked why it couldn’t happen sooner and Jo Goodman said it was far too late: “It sounds like common sense when the PM says that an inquiry can wait until the pandemic is over, but lives are at stake with health experts and scientists warning of a third wave later this year.” Private Eye reported on a CCJ issued to Boris for an unpaid debt of £535. Dated during the time of the flat refurb it created much speculation but turned out to be a claim for defamation by conspiracy-theorist nutter Yvonne Hobbs South Yorkshire police investigated reports of 9 female cops posting images of face-licking at a party on Snapchat with the caption ‘Covid Who?’
Fighting between Israel and Palestine intensified. Police blocking access to the Al-Aqsa mosque on the eve of Eid and a Jerusalem Day march on Monday were seen as ‘provocation’. Rockets fired from Gaza were answered by airstrikes from Israel. A tower block hit, the Gaza death toll disproportionately rose to 48 including 14 children and sporadic violence broke out between Israeli and Palestinian citizens. UN special envoy Tor Wennesland warned: “we’re escalating towards a full-scale war.”
Yorkshire Jokes
Bells of White
Waking early again Thursday, I enjoyed coming round at a leisurely pace. Phil accused me of wasting the hours gained but I didn’t care. Sunny and warm, I opened the window to shake rugs out when cleaning the bedroom and heard a helicopter heading west. Was it going to Bolton? I wrote up Sunday’s walk for Cool Placesii and we had fun taking the ‘are you posh?’ quiz featured on Jeremy Vine. Answer: not very. We thought ‘laughing loudly’ referred to a horsey snort rather than a raucous northern bark. Becoming cold and wet again, we derided the Yorkshire weather: “it’s shit!”
Phil went to clean the bathroom but got distracted by a shoelace going up the vacuum. Meanwhile, I sat on the sofa relaxing to the ambient sounds of the humming hoover from the first floor, the ticking clock, and traffic splashing through the rain. I then played guitar. A bit rusty after a lengthy hiatus, I eventually recalled the scales I knew and 7 songs without looking up chords.
PHE data showed cases of the Indian variant tripled in a week. Spreading faster than the Kent version, especially in the under 25’s, rates increased in London, Sefton, Bedford and Blackburn, but the media spotlight was still on Bolton. Prof. James Naismith of Oxford University predicted it would ‘get everywhere’, local restrictions wouldn’t contain it and advocated a country-wide approach. An urgent sage meeting led to speculation on delaying the next stage of the waymark due 21st June. Uncleverly said: “sage will make their assessments…report (to government), and we will make decisions based on the data and the evidence…” Boris ruled nothing out. Camoron was grilled on Greensill by the commons treasury committee. He insisted he’d had a ‘really good idea’ and there was ‘absolutely no wrongdoing’ but accepted ex-PMs should ‘think differently and act differently’ and conceded a single e-mail would be better than a barrage of messages, which Angela Eagle described as ‘more like stalking than lobbying’. Refusing to say how much he earned, he admitted to a ‘large economic interest’, holding shares and flying to Cornwall in a private jet. However, he called claims he could gain £60m ‘completely absurd’. Portugal supposedly welcomed Brits but we could currently only go to Madeira. Of others on the green list, the nation of Iceland and the dependencies of Gibraltar and the Faroe Islands, were the only ones not requiring quarantine. London City Airport said business trips would come back as they were essential while the French threatened to scupper the EU financial services agreement over the Jersey fish dispute. In spite of Egyptian attempts at mediation, violence between Israel and Palestine escalated.
On QT, Paul Mason said we were ‘ruled by crooks’. Tory Rob Bucket retorted that was untrue and insulting. Lisa Nandy admitted they needed to work to win back votes and persuade people Labour were for them and Brexiteer Michelle Dewberry called it daft to stick a remainer candidate up in Hartlepool. I’d already said this was the biggest issue in the by-election, but surely it was about time we got past this?
Turned Out Shite Again
Delightful Cut-offs
Friday morning, we both felt a bit off; me with a scratchy throat and achy shoulders, Phil with aches everywhere. Probably down to the grey, damp weather it was also far too cold for the time of year. Hugging to console each other, our hair got in the way. Haircuts were definitely required. After some life admin and writing, I set off for the co-op. Rather busy with gaps on the shelves, I didn’t get too stressed as I grabbed the essentials.
Now located in 15 areas, Bolton gained top spot with B.1.617.2 on the rise. Burnman appeared on BBC breakfast to plead for inoculation of all over 16’s in affected Manchester boroughs and help for people to self-isolate (still an issue after a year). Evening news revealed cases tripled nationally in a week to 1,313 and 17 deaths were recorded. Transmissibility possibly higher than the Kent virus and growing at a faster rate, PHE responded to reports of reinfections as ‘to be expected’. Arguments arose on whether measures should include immunisation of entire multi-generational households or local restrictions (even though they didn’t work last time). Prof Paul Hunter of UEA said: “if the Indian variant…continues to increase at the same rate as it has…we’re going to have a huge number of cases by June,” but as it affected younger people, might not put extra pressure on the NHS. Nads Zahawi urged people to get tested, isolate if it proved positive and said lockdown easing wouldn’t have to be paused if everyone did their bit: “by taking the 2 tests a week, doing your PCR test in those areas, and isolate, isolate, isolate…the 4 tests have to be met.”
But then, The Bumbler briefed us that the surge could threaten the roadmap and: “pose a serious disruption to our progress and could make it much more difficult to move to step 4 in June.” The announcement that the gap between doses was being shortened for the over 50’s from 12 to 8 weeks, explained why we’d been called up a month ahead of schedule.
Portugal now said we could go on holiday from Monday, even though restrictions in the country were extended to 30th May. Foreign travel to be permitted from Scotland on 24th May and travel from NI within the CTA*, but not from Wales, Mark Drakeford said he couldn’t stop people going abroad via England, but would prefer they didn’t.
Saturday grey and drizzly, we declared it too shite for walking. That didn’t stop people coffee-cupping and pubbing, as Phil discovered when he nipped to town. I took recycling to the bins and found the outdoor air quite pleasant apart from the damp. I draft-posted the journal and rooted out old denims in search of a darker patch for my favourite jeans. My old Wranglers now fit Phil while another pair had a massive rip near the crotch. Chopping the legs off, I joked: “I’ve made you a delightful pair of cut-offs!” Phil donned them on top of the jeans he was wearing to parade around the living room. When I finally stopped laughing, I fashioned a section of leg into a patch and stitched in front of the telly (avoiding the FA cup final, complete with a crowd) while Phil cut his hair. Raining all night, the weather remained changeable on Sunday. It was my turn for a hair do. Decanting dyeing accoutrements, the disposable gloves stank of germolene. Were they PPE rejects?
On the Marr, Yvette Coop said Tracy Brabin was ace and labour would do everything they could to keep hold of Batley & Spen. The Cock wittered about controlling variants and cited evidence of vaccine effectiveness, based on a sole clinical trial by Oxford University. When quizzed on travel quarantine not working, he didn’t even know who the ISU was! Things got grimmer north of the border when Glasgow Rangers fans celebrated victory by marching from the Ibrox Stadium to the city centre. Mayhem, violence and anti-Catholic chants resulted in 5 cop injuries and 28 arrests. Sturgeon tweeted she was ‘utterly disgusted.’
*CTA – Common Travel Area – UK, ROI, Channel isles, IOM
“Comments about the slave trade being a ‘Caribbean experience’, as though it’s some kind of holiday… (is) completely out of kilter with where British society is” (Halima Begum)
Coming Unstuck
Mythical Stone
A return of the stiff neck made it hard to get going Monday morning. However, I persevered with exercise, blogging and chores. Taking the recycling out, I exchanged pleasantries with neighbours. The young mum in the next terrace was in the community garden. I complemented her efforts to clear it up after 2 years of neglect. A woman from across the street joined me at the bins, commenting on the strong wind. I agreed it was rather blustery in spite of the sunshine. As the wind dropped mid-afternoon, I pottered in the garden. Three old pals I didn’t know were mutually acquainted, came walking past. We compared thoughts on coping with lockdowns, vaccines and the self-entitled government. “We’ll never get rid of them now!” we concurred. In the evening, an Ocado delivery arrived bang on time. It was good to be able to return carrier bags but they gave me a ridiculous number back, including 2 containing 1 item each!
The Daily Plague briefing was broadcast from the new press office, complete with union flags. Pat Valance presented data showing a drop in Covid hospitalisations from 30 to 6 per 100,000. The ‘stay at home order’ for England was replaced by ‘stay local’. We could meet in groups of 6 and do sport outdoors. Cock didn’t rule out foreign travel in summer even though he’d already booked his UK holiday. Scientists weren’t keen. Prof. Dame Anne Johnson, UCL said: “I’m for staycations.” Prof. Sir Mark Walport of UKRI* intoned: “the numbers (in Europe) speak for themselves.” A Panorama report on the Milton Keynes Lighthouse mega-lab discovered PCR tests in a gloopy mess. Belying predictions it would be there for weeks, the Ever Given came unstuck from the mud thus unblocking the Suez Canal.. Nevertheless, they’re gonna need a bigger canal!
The thermometer reached 25 Celsius, making Tuesday officially the hottest March day since 1968. Struggling to come round, I took it slow with gentle exercise and a bath before we set off on a rare trip to the nearest moor, via town for pasties from the bakers and to catch a bus up. Although we’d not visited for some years, we remembered the route and soon reached the ridge dotted with mysterious archaeology. Sitting near a standing stone to eat our pasties, huge sheep approached and stared us out so we didn’t linger. After exploring the landscape, we were fairly certain of the way down but double-checked with an energetic-looking couple striding along. When it looked like our path was barred, Phil insisted we had to climb further up. As we huffed and puffed, a Tornado jet came so close I ducked! I then spotted a jogger jumping a stile below and gleefully headed down the slope. As we reached the road, a bus sped past. We continued down to the country inn, looked into a friend’s garden to see if she was home and fell into conversation with the couple we’d seen on the moor. It turned out they now ran the inn and gave some gen on arrangements for re-opening and using the erstwhile pig field for extra outdoor seating. On telling us where the pigs had gone, we said “They’ve probably been turned into sausages!” Very thirsty, we squatted on the wall opposite to drink from our bottles.
“Is this the right place for the bus?” asked Phil. “No. I don’t know when the next one is. We can go up to the corner if you want.” At that moment, one trundled along the road. “Shit!” We gathered our stuff and tried to run but it was useless. Moodily, we walked down. In spite of being tired, dehydrated and at risk of heatstroke, we quickly reached town. An old biker we knew drank tinnies with a mate near the closed market. He asked us for prints of photos we’d taken of his barge adornments the other week.
After a quick call to the convenience store, we wearily trudged home. My bad ankle had been playing up on the tussocky moors and I subsequently developed sharp knee pains. Still in a huff, Phil blamed me for missing the even though I didn’t know the times back. I made a mental note to check next time so we didn’t come unstuck. (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesi).
That night, I dreamt we went on holiday to a gammon hotel where I had swimsuit dilemmas. I took it as a message to check my old ones still fit. Having lost weight in the 2 years since I last wore one, I could come unstuck in the pool!
A Nice Day for a Whitewash
Black and White Blossom
The milestone of 150,000 Covid deaths in the UK, actually reached 18th March, was only just released by the ONS due to a ‘data lag’. However, half the population now had antibodies. A much-anticipated WHO report on the origin of the Wuhan outbreak concluded the virus most likely jumped from bats to another animal, but didn’t specify the pangolin. To guard against global supply issues, Novavax would be processed in County Durham, while 24 countries committed to the idea of a treaty for the next pandemic, based on WHO principles. China and the USA notably absent, Dr. Tedros expected all to sign up during negotiations. The Met unsurprisingly exonerated after an investigation by the police into the Clapham Common debacle, they admitted it was a PR disaster. The report revealed 1,500 anti-lockdowners turned up at the vigil including Piers Corbyn. Brexit pub chain Wetherspoons planned to invest £145m on new pubs and upgrades after lockdown, including Newport Pagnell. Was there anything there apart from a motorway service station? Melvin Bean was adamant the Leeds festival would go ahead: “I’m taking the PM at his word.” We’ll see about that, Mr. Bean!
Achy after Tuesday’s walk, we stayed round the house on Wednesday. Warm with sunny spells, it was a nice day to hang washing on the line, which I did for the first time this year. After lunch, I got stuck trying to come up with titles for the next journal entry, developed head fug and had to stop. Looking grimy in sunlight, we dusted the living room and Phil fetched the analogue clock down from behind the telly to get it going again. Stopped for months, it was strange to hear the tick again. I arranged some twigs to hang Eastern European eggs on and placed mad chickens round the hearth.
The number of second jabs given in a day exceeded first doses. How long immunity lasted, the chances of re-infection and the impact of variants, were all still unclear. However, scientists said the vaccine provided ‘optimal chance’ of effective anti-bodies. Germany allowed use of AZ on over 60’s only while Macron apparently ignored scientists, considering himself an ‘expert’. Spain announced that masks were required on all beaches throughout the country (count me out!) UK citizens wasted no time enjoying the spring heatwave, descending on public spaces and leaving piles of litter in their wake. Councils closed parks. Launching on the LSE, Deliveroo shares tanked by 30%. Leading fund managers such as Legal & General and Aviva rejected the listing over issues with the company’s business model, workers’ rights and regulatory concerns. A scrap metal yard fire in Sheffield would rage for days. How on earth did metal set ablaze?
The Commission for Race and Ethnic Disparities (Crud) report led by Tony Sewage, was a complete whitewash. It found the UK was an integrated society with no institutional racism and the system not rigged against minorities. No surprise with the Crud team hand-picked by fellow denier Munira Mirza. Among its recommendations were increased scrutiny of police footage of stop and search, more ethnic minority recruits and training. Roundly condemned, Halima Begum of Runnymede Trust railed: “Frankly, by denying the evidence of institutional racism and tinkering with issues like unconscious bias training and use of the term ‘BAME’…they’ve insulted every ethnic minority in this country – the people who continue to experience racism on a daily basis.” She added: “comments about the slave trade being a ‘Caribbean experience’, as though it’s some kind of holiday… (is) completely out of kilter with where British society is.” Dr. Sewage responded that suggesting the report was “trying to downplay the evil of the slave trade (was) absurd.”
Labour said the conclusions were a ‘divisive polemic’ and downplayed institutional racism. Unions called it ‘deeply cynical’ and said it denied black workers’ experiences. NHS providers claimed there was ‘clear and unmistakable’ evidence that minority ethnic staff had worse experiences and faced more barriers than whites and that denying links between structural racism and health inequalities was ‘damaging.’ They demanded concrete action to tackle bias and discrimination across public services. Sam Kasumo resigned as a top government ethnic minority adviser; Downing Street of course downplayed a connection.
No Jokes, Sleaze; We’re British
Pussy Willow
The Guardian’s report of building another Suez Canal sounded like a great idea. We had visions of a holiday pootling about on small boats while container ships used the bigger one. Alas, it was an April Fool’s joke. The weather was no joke. Grey and cold, a nithering easterly made it feel like winter again. I hurried to town where pussy willow hung over steely waters near the old bridge. The market packed with wandering hippies and not distanced gammons, I waited ages at the fish van and almost kicked a wanker behind in the queue as he edged uncomfortably close. At the toiletries stall, a woman gassed to the stallholders, making paying awkward. On the way home, I paused to take pictures of a beautiful white cherry tree in the carpark. A passing old man smiled at me: “Isn’t it lovely!” “Yes, but I’m not sure it’ll come out on my photos.” Actually, they weren’t too bad and leant themselves to monochrome rather well (see above). Working on the journal, I came up with headings and declared the first draft done at long last. I experienced another odd night, struggling to get to sleep for ages and then waking very early.
Mainly immunised, vulnerable groups no longer needed to shield. A BMJ report found only 1 in 5 people with symptoms requested a test, and the effect of TIT ‘limited’. Matt Cock was ‘very worried’ that 13.7% of those affected by the virus had long Covid. Layla Moran said it should be treated as an occupational disease and appropriate support given. Vaccine hesitancy dropped from 44% to 22% among ethnic minorities in spite of claims it broke upcoming Ramadan fasting rules (it didn’t); possibly thanks to campaigning by Lenny Henry and other celebs. France shut down schools, shops and non-local travel. Brazil borrowed £665m for vaccines and health care. Trials in the USA declared the Pfizer inoculation 100% effective on 12-15 year olds. It was later found equally effective in South Africa and to prompt a huge immune response on all variants.
Liberty Steel boss Sanjeev Gupta insisted he wasn’t closing plants. Owing billions to now-failed Greensill Capital, he was refused a government loan – they reportedly hadn’t ruled out nationalisation. Links to David Cameron emerged. Lex Greensill acted as an adviser to the former PM and subsequently, Cameron worked for Greensill, lobbying for Covid contracts on his behalf. The Office of Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists cleared him of wrongdoing because as an employee, it didn’t formally constitute lobbying. Labour’s Dodds and Reeves repeated demands for an inquiry. In the olden days, we called that type of thing sleaze.
Easter in White
Easter White Cherry by Phil Openshaw
Good Friday started cool but as the sun re-appeared, became much nicer than forecast. I failed to sleep in to make up for crappy nights and did free puzzles provided by Metro in lieu of news. No Pace Egg play for the second year running, Phil declared it a normal workday and was kept busy for much of it (strangely, a lot of gig work seemed to come on a Friday). Concocting a slightly different version of Aussie chocolate fruit cake, I almost forgot to add eggs and made a right mess spooning the gloopy batter out of the tin to re-mix it. But it turned out okay. While it was baking, I worked on a very slow computer, had coffee and stuffed a fig roll in my gob when there was a knock at the door. A volunteer from the local covid support group stood outside with an Easter treat bag of yellow and white daffodils, a chocolate egg and a cute card courtesy of school kids. How nice! Expressing thanks, I apologised for talking with my mouth full. “That’s alright. Fig rolls are my favourite.” “Sorry, it’s my last one. If I’d known you were coming…” “You’d have baked a cake.” “I’ve got one in the oven right now. Come back later!” I wrote up Tuesday’s walk for Cool Places and watched a suitably seasonal film. King of Kings was now so ubiquitous I could recite the dialogue. Phil cut his hair and cleaned the bathroom while I coated the cake with chocolate, properly melted this time, buttons, jazzies and mini eggs. On sampling, I asked Phil how it compared to the one I made for his birthday “I like marzipan.” Hmm!
As the Scottish ‘stay at home’ order was replaced by ‘stay local’. National Clinical Director Jason Leitch rambled on BBC Breakfast about the different rules of the 4 nations and dithered over answers on when we could travel freely around the UK. It was no surprise the so-called expert struggled with a maze of regulations across the UK. In Scotland, 4 people from 2 households could meet, outdoor non-contact sport, group exercise and communal worship (by up to 50) was already allowed. In Wales, the ‘stay local’ order was lifted on 27th March permitting travel across Wales for the Welsh only, 4 people from 2 households were already allowed to meet and outdoor sports facilities had been open since 13th March. In Northern Ireland, 6 people from 2 households could meet outdoors and 10 from no more than 2 households could do outdoor sport (including golf but not go into club houses). I doubted the Belfast rioters took any notice.
3 p.m. by the time I’d finished a series of niggly jobs Saturday, I felt glum being stuck indoors. For the second day running, it was much sunnier and warmer than expected, although some areas did experience a white Easter. At least I caught a some rays with a trip the co-op. As I headed back, Phil headed out to the convenience store. Differing requirements meant we’d had to split the shopping which irked me until he returned with an armful of roses!. It prompted us to finish cleaning the living room to make room for a vase and more mad chickens. Afternoon telly dreadful, we listened to music instead. I finally finished the Easter card I’d made him, but had a right faff printing it out.
Bunting for Jesus
Sunday started badly with a coffee pot disaster. The plunger of the cafetiere fell apart, promptly sinking into the hot liquid. What a palaver! Thankfully, Phil came to the rescue. Things improved as we exchanged gifts. I gave him the homemade card and an egg containing a mini bunny. On top of the roses, he’d got me prosecco truffles and made me a digital art. ‘Easter White Cherry’ represented a much better version of the blossom in the carpark than I’d managed. Early sun consumed by cloud, we ventured out regardless to pursue Phil’s mission to photograph more blossom.
Out on the street, a young neighbour washed his car after it got egged by kids. “The only egg I’ve had,” he wailed, “but I was a little bastard myself once.” “Well,” I observed, “there’s not much entertainment at the moment. They have to make their own.”
We crossed the main road, amused by bunting hanging in the Methodist church’s garden. “It was only a matter of time before Jesus and the egg came together,” Laughed Phil. Climbing above the canal, we espied angry geese chasing an interloper, a disturbing leprechaun effigy and a family trying to navigate ruined houses. Further up, a woman and girl looked for a celeb grave. “You’re on the wrong side of the valley.” As I gave directions, their dog barked ferociously and strained at the leash at the sight of a cat. Grateful it was on a lead, we continued to find colourful spring flowers, blossom and fencing. A group chatting took up the pavement and half the road, forcing us to cross. Descending near the station, the catkins of a tree growing out of a wall turned from furry to fuzzy. In the park, a delighted family posed below cherry trees. “They’ll be on Insta pretending they’re in Japan rather than West Yorkshire!” I joked. The delicate petals waved about in gusty draughts, making them very difficult to photograph. Phil berated himself: “what a stupid day to suggest a blossom mission. I might come back on a less windy day.” “You’d better be quick. It doesn’t last long.” In front of the café, families picnicked very close to the path as a large line snaked towards the serving hatch. We popped in the town centre shop, warily approached the white cherry in the carpark and gawped at people queueing at a plethora of smoky street food stalls, dawdling coffee-cuppers and a crowd in the middle of the pedestrian street dancing and singing along to a busker. “That’s all you need for a festival – a man with guitar, a kebab and a can of beer!” “It’s such a contrast to last Easter during lockdown 1. Do you remember dancing in traffic-free streets?” Meanwhile, Elder Sis posted pictures of her walk through a deserted central London. Thinking the world had descended on our little town, I later discovered there’d been a Kill the Bill demo (and also in Birmingham and Bristol, with inevitable crowds and arrests), so maybe all the Cockneys were in Finsbury Park.
Back home, Phil wrangled the bread without touching the wrapping at all like a total ninja so we could have butties for lunch. I was shocked that I’d taken tons more photos than on a country walk. Many featured blurry blossom and went straight in the bin but I found inspiration for a haigaii. At bedtime, an incredibly loud wind whipped up the second my head hit the pillow. It took some time to drop off. I dreamt I was pregnant but in denial. On waking I recalled this was often a metaphor for new projects then realised it was probably because the book I was reading featured a pregnant girl!
In his Easter message from Canterbury cathedral with a distanced choir, arch Welby said we could go with the light of Jesus and choose a better future for all. St. Peter’s square eerily empty, The Pope took mass inside the basilica. Vaccines reached 31.5m and 5.3m had a second dose. On the eve of a cabinet meeting and a Boris briefing there was speculation on traffic lights for travel and Covid passport trials (at events later in April including the FA cup final and Snooker). Tory MP Nigel Huddle said it may enable venues to open without social distancing but David Daves moaned it wasn’t ‘freedom to have a normal life’ – whatever that was…
“When you’re stuck in a tunnel and you can’t find your way out, thank god there’s a Jackie Weaver about. Jackie is our saviour, she’ll know what to do, in the nick of time she’ll rescue you” (Don Black)
Cold Comfort
haiga – Polarised
Storm Darcy brought officially the coldest spell since the Beast from the East in 2018, with a bitterly icy easterly wind and yet more snow. Worse in the south for once, trains stopped and jab centres shut. Warming up with porridge and a fluffy bath, tedious Monday chores ensued, the trip to the bins particularly nithering. Decorating Neighbour chatted with a mate in the street. Referring to new arrivals’ makeshift ‘private parking’ sign, he asked: “Is this a private street?” “Of course not. I would have cordoned off my bit 20 years ago if it was.” We went on to discuss similar misguided beliefs on the street below and Covid larks. “I’m getting the jab this week,” he informed me. “Is it because of your age?” “Yes, I’m old. and special!” That made 4 immunised people I knew first-hand as opposed to none with coronavirus. Weary in the afternoon, I considered doing yoga but got stuck on Photoshop instead then tried to warm up in bed – futile even wearing 3 pairs of socks. Phil still struggled with back pain but rallied after a rest and more happy pills. “You’re turning into a right junkie!” I laughed.
The Cock urged the over 70’s not yet invited to contact the NHS. French health minister Olivier Veran got the AZ jab, derided by Macron. Boris insisted it would lower the death rate despite fears over resistance of the SA strain, while Van Dam said it wasn’t a major concern as the Kent variant was the most virulent. Surge testing widened to other areas and Mike Tildesley (of Warwick Uni and SPI-M*) cautioned it could be even more widespread and thus delay lockdown easing.
Rocky sleep for two successive nights prompted me to take a sleeping pill. Eyes shutting while reading, I lay in the comfy chilled-out place between wakefulness and sleep before gently sinking into unconsciousness. Much less fatigued Tuesday, I performed a full morning exercise routine for the first time in 2 weeks.
Brightness was suddenly obliterated by snow, flying in our faces as we walked east on the towpath. Plans to climb a hill abandoned, we circumnavigated the park and trod gleefully on the white stuff, some squeaky, some crunchy. Observing the prints of others who’d preceded us, it turned out Phil was an expert at sole tread identification – who knew? Attempting to take photos, flakes fell like delicate chains, settling softly on shrubs. We returned to the canal, where fine particles lay dust-like on frozen patches. Chilled to the bone, we veered onto tarmac. Gulls sat expectantly in a neat row atop a roof gable behind the school. Boys dangerously played football on uneven cobbles. A café still advertised mulled wine but looked closed, even for take-a-away. Unable to rest in the afternoon, I had a really good night, even better than the one before. Was it a knock-on effect of the pill or the refreshing icy walk?
The Cock announced plans for traveller quarantine. From Mon 15th Feb, all arrivals must isolate for 10 days and have 2 tests at their own expense. Those from ‘red list’ countries would be bussed to designated hotels (the list of 16 undisclosed due to security, apparently) at a cost of £1,750 including transfer and testing. Paul Brand of ITV news tweeted ‘a large whack’ of the money went to G4S (i.e., more tory chums). A plethora of fines could be issued for non-compliance and a staggering 10 years in prison levied for concealing your country of origin! Scotland required all travellers to go to Q hotels. The WHO Wuhan verdict inconclusive, they said the virus hadn’t escaped from a lab and that it may have come from imported frozen fish rather than local fresh produce, raising queries about endorsing the official Chinese version. A week on, they called for more evidence dating back to the original outbreak. Brexiteer JD Sports boss Peter Cowgill carped that Brexit red tape was worse than expected and planned to open a distribution centre in Europe, taking jobs away from the UK – twat! Useless George said there was ‘no legal barrier’ to the EU blockade of shellfish exports and they’d changed the rules within the last week.
Wednesday, we were occupied with domestic-based work. On PMQ, Keir complained of no decisions on business rates, furlough or eviction ban extensions to which Boris trolled out the same old lines. Ian Blackford called him ‘pathetic’. Answering a question from Plaid Cymru, The Bumbler referred to battery manufacture in Bridgend, at possibly the biggest factory in the world. Was that meant to compensate for the loss of car manufacture? It reminded me of Soviet-era Radio Tirana which used to trumpet weekly Albanian tractor production figures.
Miffed at being stuck indoors during sunny daylight, Phil said I should have suggested a walk. But already approaching dusk, it became colder and more persistent snow fell.
The WHO advised the AZ vaccine was used for all adults, in all countries, on all variants, and greater efficacy was elicited when the booster was administered at 8-12 weeks. In the UK, take-up remained lower in the BAME community and a third of care home staff hadn’t been inoculated for a variety of reasons, many spurious. Van Dam raged at mis-information and “nasty pernicious scare stories on social media.” Quite – stop looking at it, you dickwads! An Imperial College React study added chills, headaches, muscle aches and loss of appetite to Covid symptoms. In contrast to Cock‘s claim last month that it would be a ‘Great British Summer,’ Shatts said: “people shouldn’t be booking holidays now…domestically or internationally.” And the holiday ban would remain until everyone was vaccinated. Did he mean the whole world? Had they told BoE chief Andrew Bailey? Braced to write off summer, Brian Strutton of BALPA whinged: “airlines are drowning but rather than throwing us a life raft, the transport secretary has just thrown a bucket of cold water at us.”
Amongst mounting pressure, housing minister Robber Jenrick announced ‘a clear plan’ to remove dangerous cladding from tower blocks, with an extra £3.5bn and a levy for new-builds. An MPs’ report in 2020 concluding £15bn was needed, shadow minister Thangam Debbonnaire said: “(the government) still don’t know how many buildings are unsafe…inaction and delay has caused the building safety crisis to spiral.” Grenfell United called it ‘too little too late’. Rebecca from the excellently-named Manchester Cladiators told BBC Breakfast it was cold comfort for people living in unsellable flats, failed to take into account other underlying safety issues and that the 17.5 storey limit determining whether you got a grant or a loan, was arbitrary.
Jackie Weaver had become the most famous coffee-cupper in the land, hosting a Handforth (Cheshire) Parish Council planning meeting on zoom. In the face of male aggression, she kept her cool to remove the chair who yelled: “you have no authority here, Jackie Weaver!” The VC stormed off shouting: “read the standing orders. Read them and understand them!” Glad for the power of the mute button, she became an unlikely hero. ALW penned an ode with Don Black, released on insta. Would a musical be next?
Polar Trek
Icy Track
The storm passed, but temperatures stayed below zero. Jeremy C**t hilariously slipped when jogging and broke his arm. Overnight temperatures plummeted to the lowest for decades. In the Cairngorms, it hit -23 in Braemar and a man from Boat in Garten performed the Siberian trick of freezing boiling water mid-air.
Very bright and cold again Thursday, we didn’t miss another opportunity for a wintry walk. Leaving the house just before lunch, Phil bought pasties from the hipster bakers. “It’s like going to the dystopian future in there, with all the PPE and distancing measures!” We walked west on the main road, turning right to a nearby clough. Extremely icy on the rocky track, the going was glacially slow. At the old mill site, snowy water and icicles shone. We stood to eat the pasties then clambered over a frozen tributary and up slippery steps onto a Path. We spotted an old quarry with massive icicles resembling stalactite. Warily avoiding squelchy patches and falling spikes, we ascended to explore. Photos later revealed a miniature snow horse in the rockface. Back on the path, we weren’t quite where expected. At a loss as to how we went wrong, we ended up climbing a ridiculously long stairway, emerged at a junction, turned right again and kept to the higher route until the path ran out. A pair of men changed a van wheel in middle of the narrow lane, requiring us to squeeze past. Reaching the village, we paused to peruse a veg stall outside the inn. As the landlord emerged, we nodded politely and moved on, reasoning he would probably charge us non-local rates! On the last stretch, I felt achy, exhausted and grumpy. It was incredulous how long and hard the walk was even though we hadn’t got far – like a polar trek! (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesi)
Back home, we slumped on the sofa. Shopping not done, I thought of an alternative dinner option from meagre supplies. Phil said he had to go to the co-op anyway. Expecting him to be back in time to help, I started cooking and was almost finished when he returned, by which time I was achy and moody again.
Jeremy Farra of sage referred to the Rocky Road Map as ‘arbitrary’ but with calls to open up the economy, John Edmunds said we would be ‘more or less free’ by the end of the year, albeit still with masks and social distancing. Wales was the first home nation to declare all top 4 priority groups vaccinated. The Q hotel website crashed minutes after going live. Sharon Peacock, Cog-UK said the Kent variant, now in 50 countries, was becoming dominant. By persistence, door-knocking and offering help, York’s local system reached two thirds of positive cases uncontactable by Dildo’s TIT. Von Der Leyen admitted to MEPs that they were late authorising vaccines and over-optimistic on mass production. Prezzo were closing 22 ‘non-viable’ restaurants’ and losing 216 posts. Heineken were shedding 8,000 jobs worldwide. The Post Office announced record profits (all those cardboard packages obviously) while Uber prepared to offer parcel delivery at the same price as a cab ride. With staff exhausted, Jon Ashworth questioned the timing of The Cock’s planned overhaul of the NHS. A We Own It petition claimed it would lead to more privatisation.
In an argument on QT concerning the daft rules on exporting fish, the SNP woman correctly told Michael Forsythe it was the deal. The idiot tory persisted in banging on about balancing public health and the economy during the pandemic, to which she echoed my views that there wouldn’t be an economy without people to work and spend. You had to prioritise one or the other, for the millionth time!
In contrast to the previous two, I had a fractious night. Unable to relax, I used the meditation tape to drop in and out of sleep several times until I eventually got a few hours.
Glacial Pace
Haiga – Glacial
Friday, I wearily ran a bath and discovered spilt goo making a mess. Downstairs, I discovered an even bigger mess due to an overturned ashtray, not seeing how bad it was in the dark of the previous night. Trying to ignore it, I settled down with coffee and tried to work on the laptop. Glacially slow, I eventually got a MS update message – why was it always on a Friday? With no chance of achieving anything substantial, I did a few small tasks and posted a picture for my nephew’s 18th birthday. All the nieces and nephews now officially adults, I felt old! Leaving the machine to update, I went to the co-op for weekend supplies including the Valentines meal deal, which proved excellent value as we got 2 dinners and a lunch out of it. I waited patiently at the tills for space on the conveyor. Before I knew it, the pace quickened and the cashier started putting my items through. The couple in front intervened and I rushed to separate my groceries from theirs, commenting I didn’t know how it happened. The shirty cow said it was my fault for placing my stuff too close. A friendlier colleague behind me in the queue asked: “are you being told off?” “Yes, and it’s not right. I’ve done nothing wrong!” The shirty one indicated the social distancing signs. Aghast, I railed: “you’ve only just put those signs up. I’ve been doing social distancing for a year!” Meanwhile, Phil had arrived unnoticed to help carry the shopping. Shaking his head, he told me to calm down, which was the worst thing to say. Nevertheless, as we departed, I made a conciliatory gesture by informing the shirty cow we had things in common and perhaps we should get on rather than argue. I later reflected that I the last 2 trips to the co-op between bouts of illness, were both stressful. Perhaps I should take my custom elsewhere. Or complain to head office, although the last time I did, they responded at a snail’s pace.
I spent the rest of the day tweaking photos and writing haigas, inspired by the polar trekii. Phil cleaned the bathroom. I sent him back up for the hoover to clean his pile of ash still lying on the living room floor.
The R number now 0.7-0.9, eggheads still referred to the infection rate as high. The economy shrunk by 9.9% in 2020. Dodds said “…not only has the UK had the worst death toll in Europe, we’re experiencing the worst economic crisis of any major economy.” She wanted a ‘smarter furlough scheme’ and extensions to the business rate holiday and low VAT for hospitality and tourism. Metro called it the greatest decrease since 1921, the BBC since three centuries ago. Confused, Phil related details of the 1706 recession, during Isaac Newton’s tenure as Master of the Mint. Evidence emerged that Stonehenge was moved from Waun Mawn in the Welsh hills of Preseli. Similarities of size and rock type at the site made the theory plausible.
Hearts in Siberia
Zany Valentines Card
Although most of the snow had gone by Saturday, it was literally freezing all day. Phil appeared far too jolly first thing. I lowered the mood by indicating my red-raw hands; not another imaginary plague symptom but due to the cold. I applied copious amounts of cream and healing balm. While I turned the Photoshop collage into a mad Valentine’s card, he went to the convenience store, reporting the side streets lethal but still awash with coffee-cuppers in the arctic conditions! Enjoying our bargainous dinner complete with pink prosecco and posh dessert, we guffawed at mugs featured on telly who paid a fortune for fancy restaurant take-aways, wearing make-up and dresses as they hadn’t for ages. Phil said “I’m going to wear shorts and a snorkel because I haven’t for ages.” “No you won’t. You’ll freeze!”
Finally above zero, Sunday remained cold and grey. I presented the zany card to Phil, querying: “where’s my art, or roses, or anything…?” Answer: nowhere. No surprise seeing as he’d only ever given me Valentines gifts 3 times in almost 4 decades. Not that he had a heart as cold as Siberia, but he maintained it was a ‘made up card day’ (which is isn’t, unlike some others). “Why do I bother?” I asked. Because you enjoy it.” “Hmm.” I stayed in, wrote and watched telly. He went to the shop again in the late inky blackness. Daring to hope he might yet surprise me with a bouquet, he returned empty-handed. “No flowers; only a manky cauliflower.” “Well, it has flower in the name. You could have got it as a joke.” After dinner, we finished off a bottle of fizz which made me very sleepy, but I stayed up to watch Leeds United lose to Arsenal, in a characteristically goal-packed match.
The Cock appeared to fudge the target of reaching 15m priority people when he referred to them being ‘offered’ the vaccine, rather than getting it. As the deadline loomed, it was actually reached, but only 500,000 had the second jab. A 90% uptake among the over 70’s boded well for ‘herd immunity’ if replicated for all adults. The Bumbler hailed ‘a truly national effort’: “they have been delivered by the most extraordinary army of vaccinators who jabbed like there’s no tomorrow.” If there was no tomorrow, we wouldn’t need them you wanker! Due to the backlog of booster jabs and supply issues, roll-out to the over 65’s and clinically vulnerable would be slower. Still confused as to when carers would get it, I clarified we were in priority group 8 so may be immunised sooner than April. David Davies said we had to get to a point where we lived with the virus like it was flu. What made him an expert
A tunnel from Stranraer to Larne, dubbed ‘Boris’ Burrow’, was lauded as the answer to NI import woes, but the pie in the sky project would take 10 years to build. Backbencher Simon Hoare jibed: “The trains could be pulled by an inexhaustible herd of unicorns overseen by stern, officious dodos…A pushme-pullyou could be the senior guard and Puff the Magic Dragon the inspector. Let’s concentrate on making the protocol work and put the hallucinogenics down.” Perhaps the burrowers might need rescuing by Jackie Weaver!
Russian Heart
Trump predictably acquitted of spreading hatred and violence in the USA at his impeachment trial, heart vigils in support of Navalny spread the love across Russia, from St. Petersburg to Siberia.
Snotty again at bedtime, I hoped another relapse wasn’t looming…
*Note – SPI-M – Scientific pandemic influenza group on modelling
“Because of lack of moral principle, human life becomes worthless. Moral principle, truthfulness, is a key factor. If we lose that, then there is no future”(Dalia Lama)
One Day of Spring
Signs of Spring
A wakeful night led to oversleeping. The tedious round of Monday chores and blog-posting done, I dashed to the co-op as a nasty curtain of fine rain careened down the valley. The amount of traffic still noticeable, I wondered who was actually sticking to the rules?
Ministers repeated warnings of tougher measures without saying what. The public urged to keep exercise local, Boris cycled 7 miles to the Olympic park – was that local? Told not to stop and chat on walks or have picnics, The Cock couldn’t say if drinking coffee was allowed. On Newsnight, an ex-health minister pleaded for a cessation of the coffee culture which encouraged longer walks and clustering round cafes. Sage bod Prof. Stephen Reicher suggested halting non-essential building work in residential properties.
Paperwork and butties became big Brexit issues. Bewilderment abounded that not being in the single market resulted in more bureaucracy. Daily Mail gammons were incensed by scenes of Dutch border officers confiscating a trucker’s sandwich, quipping: “Welcome to the Brexit.” It beggared belief that the idiots who voted for it were up in arms at the consequences!
Twee Figurine
Tuesday, I rose woozy with a scratchy throat, but not feeling ill, I persisted with exercise and housework. The day a dry and bright interlude, we went for a walk, via the bakers for portable sustenance. I stood in a warm patch of sun while Phil queued. Already past lunchtime, I would have eaten on the spot if the square weren’t so busy. A hard climb took us to the beautiful wooded road last visited in autumn, then down a squelchy path to the Working Man’s Club.
Among taped-up picnic tables, 2 rough benches stood several metres apart. A pair of men picnicked on one, we sat to wolf down the comestibles on the other. After discussing options, we crossed the oddly frozen small bridge. With no ice elsewhere, a fellow walker commented on the noticeably icier feeling. On the narrow road, we dodged motorists and runners to peer through fencing at the demolished dye works and eyed fat sheep looking fit to burst. Taking the riverside path for the last stretch, early catkins heralded spring and a twee figurine of a shepherd bizarrely nestled in a tree stump. Nearer town, people buzzed around old worksheds: “it must be essential art, ha, ha!”
We came across our walking friends. “We’re not talking to you, cos it’s illegal” I Joked. “We’ve just had a picnic,” she confessed. “So have we,” I whispered conspiratorially, “well, a pasty.” We had a laugh at the ludicrous rules on being able to buy coffee all over the place but not eat al fresco and being allowed to exercise but not recreate. “So don’t be enjoying your walks from now on!” I asked her how things were at work. “Okay. I’ve got a week off and planned a walk every day but the weather forecast is crap.” “Yeah, arctic conditions are set to return. But we won’t be meeting up will we?” Back home, it felt like we’d had a proper walk which was good, but it didn’t help my night-time sleep. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Places.i)
Up to November 2020, the UK had 85,000 more excess deaths than the previous 5 year average, the most since WWII. Taking population growth and ‘age-standardised mortality’ into account, the rate remained the highest since 2008. Chris Hopkins told the commons H&SC committee that the virus peak wouldn’t come until February as those currently dying were infected before December. Supermarkets got stricter on mask-wearing while a new treatment for Covid patients, Interferon Beta, was trialled at Hull Royal Infirmary and Joan Bakewell sued the government over the delay in getting her second Pfizer dose. 28 UK regions weren’t receiving mail as posties were off sick or self-isolating while families got food parcels instead of vouchers.
Marcus Rashford joined the complaints and photo shares showing the shocking quality. Unsurprisingly, they were distributed by Chartwells, part of The Compass Group, the largest food conglomerate on the globe. CEO Dom Blakemore was a major Conservative Party donor – more money for rich tory chums!
Foul outdoors as predicted Wednesday, we stayed in. I was hoovering when the very early Ocado driver arrived, saying some deliveries were cancelled because of icy roads. Badly packed in the carriers (annoyingly not taken back again), I could hardly lift some of them and reported a couple of damaged items. As I unpacked, sticky stuff irksomely adhered to my clothes. Phil came down to help and started larking about. I got more annoyed, declared I needed a break, and stormed off. I calmed down with a coffee and we both settled to work in the living room. Phil spotted a heron on the small mill roof. The phone pictures I took through the window were beyond crap. Top wildlife photographer strikes again! During my siesta, I was unable to rest. The pattern repeated that night, I looked out the window. Myriad lights shone from houses across the valley – what were they doing at that time of night? The pitter patter of rain eventually lulled me to sleep.
Although Covid-19 cases fell to 15,000, a new daily record of 1,564 deaths occurred. Temporary mortuaries grew, the latest in Ruislip set to open at the end of the week. Prof. Van Dam fulfilled his promise, immunising old folk at the Nottingham hub and furloughed EasyJet staff were ‘fast-tracked’ to help out. The Sturgeon used the old ‘spirit of the law’ mantra to announce tighter controls in Scotland around drinking outdoors, click ‘n’ collect and working at home. Closing a so-called ’stay at home loophole’, Scots leaving the house for an essential reason couldn’t do anything else while out. Did it mean they couldn’t take a photo on a walk or stop to look at sheep? Another new variant, similar to the Kent Virus but unconnected, was identified in Brazil. Yvette Coop quizzed Boris on current measures to stop it entering the UK. Answer: negative testing. The next day, a travel ban was announced for South America, Panama, Cabo Verde and Portugal, except for hauliers and ex-pats who had to self-isolate for 10 days. At PMQs, Keir reminded everyone: “He (the PM) told us…there was no need for ‘endless lockdowns’ and no need to change the rules about Christmas mixing…since the last PMQs, 17,000 people have died of Covid, 60,000 have been admitted to hospital and there have been over 1m new cases.” On round the clock jabs, The Bumbler promised 24 hour vaccinations as soon as supplies allowed. He admitted the food parcels were terrible. The Salesman said the voucher system would return next week, as would testing for primary school staff while parents were encouraged to test their kids. He had ‘no intention’ of closing nurseries (watch this space!) Ahead of an Ofqual consultation, imminent BTEC written exams were scrapped and externally-set tests for GCSE and A levels to augment teacher assessments, were muted.
Snowflakes and Sociopaths
Weak Sun
The rain turned to snow in the early hours of Thursday, falling all day with varying degrees of stickiness. I managed a few exercises and changed the bedding before submitting to the sinus lurgy and getting back into bed. Phil brought the Laptop up so I could work on the journal but I mainly dossed.
A PHE study showed immunity from coronavirus after 5 months but evidence it could still be transmitted. Oldham council immunised the homeless. Dr. Chauhan canvassed the government for the strategy to be a national priority. Nasty Patel got the rules wrong for the second time in a week. Previously saying outdoor recreation was allowed, she now incorrectly said you could only exercise alone. Fish rotted due to what Useless George called Brexit ‘teething issues’. Scottish fishers demanded compo. In the commons, Rees-Moggy told SNP MP Tommy Sheppard: “the government is tackling the issue and the key thing is we’ve got our fish back. They’re now British fish…better and happier fish for it.” What a moron!
Merlina the queen raven, missing from the Tower of London since before Christmas, was feared dead after likely foraging due to a lack of bread-bearing tourists. If 2 more flew off, the kingdom would fall but Ravenmaster Chris Scaife assured us there was a spare. Snow slowed jabbing of the elderly on a day of snow madness. Leeds students were berated for having a mass snowball fight on Woodhouse Moor, a stream of cars navigated the tricky sloping bend opposite, Halifax buses skidded, traffic jammed on a treacherous Sutton Bank and a 3 mph car chase ended in the slowest crash ever when a codger with a frozen windscreen ran into a traffic cone. The utterly selfish and inconsiderate behaviour beggared belief in the perilous conditions, unless essential and risked diverting over-stretched emergency services. Subsequent arrests involved people from different households driving over the Pennines for take-away fried chicken and snow-viewing.
The weak Friday sun struggled behind blankets of freezing fog, blazed bright for a few hours then picturesquely peaked through trees mid-afternoon. Still bed-ridden and unable to enjoy the outdoors, I took slightly more successful window photos and wrote ‘Midwinter Spring’ for ‘Cool Places’. Yet another daft Microsoft update required re-starting the laptop. At least it didn’t take all day like the last one. Phil succeeded in getting salad items from the co-op but I became light-headed waiting for him to bring lunch and would have fallen down if I weren’t already supine. In the evening, I dossed on the sofa to binge-watch 3 episodes of Britannia II– an irresistible mix of historical fact and utter nonsense! We also discussed virus fears. Worried by the current situation, Phil assured me the vaccine would save us. But how many would refuse it, for a plethora of spurious reasons? I optimistically cited posts by Vegan Friend, saying it was for the greater good, notwithstanding the irony of protesting against Pfizer for animal testing!
Boris briefed us on the end of travel corridors from 4.00 a.m. Monday. Norwegian Air scrapped long-haul flights from Gatwick, only flying across Norway and to key European destinations – nowt to do with Brexit! WHO scientists arrived in Wuhan to investigate the start of the outbreak. 2 of the 13 stayed in Singapore after testing positive, the rest in quarantine for a fortnight. A day after Debenhams announced the closure of 6 outlets including the flagship Oxford Street store, Whitbread confirmed 1,5000 jobs had gone and Primark were set to lose 1bn in profits. The Torygraph was forced to publish a correction to a ‘misleading column’ written by right-wing sociopath Toby Young in July, saying the common cold provided immunity to Covid-19. His latest tweet whinged about being attacked in London for his anti-lockdown stance. Phil said: “They’re always snowflakes those types. If they were more like Alan B’stard I might have some respect for them.”*
Remaining poorly over the weekend, I wrote and sketched. Phil ventured out in Saturday’s melting snow for fresh air and exercise, reporting the town centre less busy but people coffee-cupping in a cave under the nearby climbing rocks! In the evening, I had an alarming nosebleed. A regular feature of my sinusitis, this one didn’t stop for ages. We concurred it was due to using those awful steroid nasal sprays in the past. Sunday night, I hardly slept at all. Traffic could still be heard at 3.00 a.m., headlamps like searchlights penetrating the curtains. Yet again, I wondered what the f**k was going on!
India used Covishield and Covaxin in the world’s largest ‘inoculation drive’. The LA death rate rose to 8 per minute. Biden promised 100m ‘shots in the arm’ in 100 days and 12,000 a day by next week, in ‘operation warp speed’. Covid jabs in the UK hit 3.8m, averaging 140 per 60 seconds, but there was a hospital admission every 30 seconds. Phil Spector died in prison. Officially of natural causes, he’d reportedly had Covid for 4 weeks.
Sociopath anti-lockdowner Lord Sumpter appeared on The Big Questions. He told cancer podcaster Deborah James her life was ‘worth less’ than others. At least he got challenged by a disabled person calling him out for eugenics which made a change. The themes of snowflakes and sociopaths continued into the following week…
*Note – Alan B’stard was the main character in the satire ‘The New Statesman’ played by the legendary Rik Mayall.
Apparently starting late 2019, news of the Coronavirus (SARs version 2) emerged in January 2020. The first recorded cases were linked to a fish market in Wuhan, China. DNA analysis showed that the virus was part bat and part pangolin and had jumped species again to humans. It thus appears that the virus hits mammals but not other types of animal such as reptiles and birds. Although the name ‘Covid’ could be confused with the crow family, it has nothing to do with them. In fact, they have been wheeling about in the fresh air with positive glee since this all flared up!
Typically, the Chinese authorities took drastic action to limit the spread. It transpired that my nephew was working at a school in Wuhan at the time and managed to get out a week before the lockdown. He now wants to go back there, considering it safer than the UK. Indeed, street parties were recently held in Wuhan in celebration of no new cases being recorded.
The Trump and his lackeys might find hilarity in referring to the virus as ‘Kung Flu’ but they’ll be laughing on the other sides of their faces as the virus continues its relentless spread across Europe (now the epicentre of contagion) and America.
Throughout January and into February, we heard of people from countries outside China testing positive for coronavirus including several deaths. As these people were largely gammons on cruise ships, we remained complacent. While some clamoured for Brits stuck abroad to be repatriated, others pleaded: “leave them! We don’t want them!” The clamourers won. Strange isolation units sprung up in the North of England, even though the infected returnees landed in the South East. Well, you wouldn’t want them near that London would you?
But the crisis still seemed largely faraway and non-threatening.
York City Walls
Towards the end of the month, we had a day trip to York. Exactly a week later, the first cases of Coronavirus contracted within England were diagnosed in the city. The patients being a Chinese student staying in a hotel with his visiting mum, it was highly unlikely that among the few fellow sightseers we came across walking the walls, we would have come across them.
Nevertheless, I started to feel rather jittery about travelling the country. We were planning a weekend in Blackpool for Phil’s birthday at the start of March. I went ahead booking a hotel and theatre tickets, but held off on the advance train tickets. Not only was the virus spreading, but the rail franchise was transferring to public ownership. A welcome move, but official communiques contained conflicting information about whether this would mean changes to services.
Concerns about the plague took a backseat during February, with atrocious weather coming to the fore. Storms Ciara and Desmond battered the country. The Calder Valley suffered flooding for the third time in eight years during the first storm. I couldn’t bear to see the yet-again submerged town centre. In contrast to previous devastation, the majority of businesses recovered within days. I felt sorry for residents who were badly affected, especially as many had little control over taking measures to guard against the inevitable. I had less sympathy for business-owners who had apparently done nothing to make them more resilient following the Boxing Day flood of 2015.
Waterlogged Landscape
I checked social media to ensure friends were okay. Relieved to see that by and large they were, I came across several posts by proprietors asking for volunteers to put sandbags in front of their premises. With ample warning of the storm, what excuse did they have for not taking responsibility for their own businesses? Furthermore, some idiotically included staff’s personal numbers.
The River Calder didn’t officially reach the same levels as 2015, but was high enough for discomfort. As the flash flood of 2012 had coincided with the start of my current issues, it was no surprise the situation significantly affected my mental health. I experienced a deepening of my depression and a sense of hopelessness.
When the second storm threatened, the army arrived on Saturday to help with sand-bagging. Tempted to go and watch them, it felt like voyeurism. As I was unable to contribute to the volunteer efforts, mentally or physically, I stayed in to bake as a distraction from mounting stress and anxiety levels.
As it turned out, the valley escaped the ravages of Storm Dennis, while other areas of the UK were badly hit including Wales.
On Sunday, I ventured out to find lots of businesses shut, including some not hit during Storm Ciara. I saw a friend who lives at ‘ground zero’. He was on a futile mission to check water levels upstream. We discussed the ineffectualness of flood measures downstream. I pointed out that they were not yet finished and the residents of that village did like to whinge. Apparently the excessive rain was all the fault of the Environment Agency. Do folks really think they actually control the climate?
He said the Chinese had volunteered to come and finish the defences. “If they can build a hospital in a week, think how quickly a mere wall could be built!”
“Yes,” I replied, “it’s called Communism. I can really see the gammons going for that one!”
Another sennight of rain followed threatening flood for the third weekend in a row. As I set forth on errands, it looked like the river had overspilt during the overnight incessant rain, with surface water on the roads and blocked drains. Phil and I ventured on a short stroll up a nearby clough, to see the changes wrought by the relentless onslaught of water, on an the already waterlogged landscape. Returning home, we met a riverside friend. She had survived the wettest February ever unscathed, ensconced in an armchair with her laptop (“Thank god!”) on the uppermost storey. Her cellar is designed to flood but the door only just held back the deluge. It might be time for her to invest in proper floodgates.
Attention turned back to Covid-19 at the end of the month. Phil seemed to think it was all a big joke, making fun of the hand-washing advice. I said there was no harm in following good hygiene, which we should anyway. He has now come round somewhat albeit with complaints about his skin drying out. I reminded him that he has several of those metrosexual moisturising products nowadays (I should know. I bought most of them!)
Gimme Space!
Cleveleys, Fylde Coast
During Phil’s birthday weekend at the start of March, we had a great but tiring time in Blackpool. On a trip to Cleveleys, we snapped up a pair of official Picasso plates for £2 each in one of the many charity shops. An evening at Blackpool Grand Theatre for the Count Arthur Strong – is there anybody out there? Show was very silly but hilarious, from the vicious attacks on Brian Cox to bizarre popstar impersonations.
I kept myself to myself on public transport, wary of contact with strangers. The train was packed both ways, putting paid to ‘social distancing’. On the outward journey, we sat opposite an elderly couple with a small dog. Undeterred by the cramped conditions, they proceeded to feed the mut treats and made themselves a brew. Fully commandeering the shared table, they poured hot water from a Thermos onto teabags in plastic cups. The man then proceeded to root around in one of several bags for milk. The woman got fed up waiting and drank hers black. Phil inevitably petted the dog and let it lick him to my great consternation. When we arrived in Blackpool, I insisted he apply hand gel forthwith. The journey back was, if anything, worse. A young man sat next to me, alarmingly coughing without covering his mouth.
Throughout the weekend, I stayed cautious, especially in enclosed public places. I suspected there were more cases in the North West than in our part of the world and I questioned the wisdom of travelling to the area rather than staying in the relative safety of our small town surrounded by hills. On the other hand, the Fylde Coast is blessed with wide-open spaces and as we are not fans of rowdy bars and pubs, the hostelries and restaurants we visited allowed us to minimise contact with others. Mind you, there were still a couple of scary moments when people coughed and spluttered too close for comfort.
I made use of hand-washing facilities at every opportunity. Some places had put up signs to remind patrons to wash their hands. Admirable, I hear you say. It would be if they supplied hot water to comply with the wise advice. Phil again accused me of being obsessive and again I repeated there was no harm in being careful.
There had been some reports of panic buying, unfathomably focused on bog roll and pasta. I saw the first instance of this in Blackpool. A queue formed outside B&M waiting for it to open at 11.00 a.m. on the Sunday.
Inevitably exhausted when we got home, I managed a normal Monday, attending my regular adult ballet class at the local gym in spite of yet more foul weather. Only three students turned up. Maybe the others were already in quarantine? The next morning I felt ill and was bedridden for four days. Phil also felt unwell. Not surprisingly, we wondered if we had contracted Covid-19, but with no sign of a dry cough or fever, were pretty sure we hadn’t. In my case at least, the symptoms indicated the usual sinusitis, probably triggered by the weekend away, lack of sleep and increased fatigue. Weirdly, a part of me wanted to catch the virus and get it over with. This plan would only work if it didn’t kill me and I developed immunity from further attacks. There was no guarantee so far against either of those eventualities.
It occurred to me that if our ailments dragged on or recurred, we would be ahead of the curve in self-isolating seeing as the WHO had now declared a global pandemic and the UK government were expected to tell everyone with a cold or similar illness go into quarantine within the next fortnight. Cue more panic-buying and loo roll shortages!
Spend, Spend, Spend
Being housebound, I had plenty of time to catch up on politics. Rishy Rich presented his budget on 11th March; hastily re-written in light of the coronavirus threat. Amongst a host of measures suggesting the Tories had now not only found a ‘magic money tree’, but a veritable forest, mind-boggling amounts of cash were thrown at public services, businesses, and infrastructure projects. On Covid-19, they announced that everyone in work who was forced to self-isolate would be able to claim Statutory Sick Pay (SSP) from day one. Straight away, this begged questions about those on zero hours contacts and working in the gig economy. As for the self-employed, he wittered on about Universal Credit (UC) making us wonder if had he got confused between SSP and UC. Apparently not.
Announcements towards the end of the week did nothing to clarify the issue. Bumbling Boris and the Medicine Chief announced the nation had reached the ’delay’ phase of trying to control the contagion. Not quite as predicted, the government asked people with a cough or fever to stay home for a week. They stopped short of banning public events and flying about which seemed grossly irresponsible. In their opinion, the spread of the virus in the UK was 4 weeks behind Italy when other experts reckoned it was more like 2 weeks. In light of the fact that Italy had gone into total lockdown, the mixed messages were worrying.
Their foolhardy plan consisted of keeping things going and planning for most of the population to get the virus thus promoting ‘herd immunity’. It was blatantly obvious the strategy was more about propping up capitalism than protecting people’s lives. It was later alleged that it was the brainchild of Dom Cumberbatch (of course, Number 10 denied this). Other fans of right-wing eugenics such as Katie Hopkins, also seemed to agree we should just let the old and vulnerable die.
Over the weekend, and without a clear steer from the authorities, football clubs and airlines took matters into their own hands with all matches and most flights cancelled.
Closer to home, the first case in our borough emerged. This caused further consternation. Due to a ridiculous lack of testing, we knew confirmed cases were a tiny portion of the actual numbers. How close was it really?
Chaos Reigns!
Haiga – Social Distancing
I had felt okay for a couple of days and made a cautious trip to town for essentials. It was extremely quiet in the main, although I had to detour round a large family group ambling at snail’s pace down the pedestrian street, to maintain the recommended safe space. A balloon confection had been abandoned outside the town hall, inspiring that week’s haiga: ‘Social Distancing’.i
Following a terrible night, severe fatigue recurred on Monday. I also developed a headache and became more debilitated as the day wore on. The customary siesta refreshed me not one jot. A series of annoyances ensued and I was on the verge of tears. I knew this was more due to the tiredness than the breaking of a pot. I hoped I would perk up enough with caffeine to go to ballet class. But in the midst of Bumbling Boris’ new daily ‘Plague Broadcast’, I became very sleepy and could hardly keep my eyes open up. Citizens were advised to avoid non-essential social contact and travel, and to work at home whenever possible.
Notably, they stopped short of forcing pubs to shut. Phil remarked that this was crap because they wouldn’t be able to claim on ‘loss of business’ insurance. As this was to come later, a cynic might say measures were being introduced bit by bit to get us all acclimatised for when emergency powers came in.
The missive had no influence on my decision to not attend ballet. In fact, it crossed my mind to go while I still could, before everything got banned. But I just couldn’t do it. Phil said he also felt very tired and again we wondered if we had a mild version of coronavirus – how would we know for certain?
The message from our glorious leader (sic) included a plea that if anyone showed symptoms the whole household self-isolate for 14 days. More confusing abounded. At first the isolation period was 14 days, then was 7 and now it was 14 again. More than ever, we concluded they were fumbling from one announcement to the next, with no long-term thinking, not even to the end of the week.
The next day, I felt much brighter after a better sleep. I tried to contact Mum. Despite her mobile being to hand, she rarely answers calls. After another failed attempt, I rang her care home. The carer I spoke to assured me Mum was fine and confirmed the home was closed to visitors due to the ‘corvus virus’ . Thank you Jenny for inspiring the title of this journal!
The Corvus Diaries 