Corvus Bulletin 11:Mind Your Pi’s and Rho’s (Covid Inquiry June-Dec 2023)

“I am listening to them. Their loss will be recognised” (Baroness Hallett)

The UK covid inquiry officially began August 2022. After the resignation of Lady Poole and 4 senior lawyers, the Scottish inquiry finally got underway 22^nd October 2023. Chair Lord Brailsford pledged to place the impact on people’s lives central. Ahead of UK public hearings mid-June, Prof. Pollard of Ox Vax (remember him?) told Newsnight not enough was being done to prepare for future pandemics. On QT, Ayesha said we must learn lessons, Lord Sumpter complained Sweden had already done theirs and government didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and, Cabinet Office (CO) bidding to block their release, weirdo tory minister Lee Rowley claimed WhatsApp messages were irrelevant.

Baroness Halibut started by promising an ‘investigation the nation deserves’ with answers to the 3 main questions of preparedness, response and lessons for the future*. ‘Excluded from sharing key evidence’, Bereaved Families lined up outside holding photos of deceased relatives. Praising their ‘dignified vigil’, Halibut assured them she listened but hoped they’d understand the difficult balance she had to strike.

On preparedness, David Cameroon didn’t accept previous underinvestment in the NHS but confessed to prioritising flu over other respiratory viruses. George Osborne didn’t regret austerity, while former CMO Sally Davies said there weren’t enough medical staff and lockdowns damaged a whole generation of children. Mark Drakeford blamed issues in Welsh care homes on Brexit dominating cabinet meetings.

Amidst the interminable blame-game, The Cock turned into the new Captain Hindsight. He deflected questions by putting the onus on everyone else for unreadiness and lack of medicines. Saying a no-deal Brexit was a distraction, he apologised for all fatalities and understood why people didn’t accept that. He then went to talk to Bereaved Families leaving actress Lorelei King, whose brother died of covid, in tears. The next day he attested that with the benefit of hindsight, an earlier first lockdown could have saved many lives, regretted not overruling advice on asymptomatic transmission and denied lying but admitted the evidence was now clear that Van Dam was right to say the ‘protective ring around care homes’ was a broken circle. Pointing to a toxic culture for needing someone to blame, he called The Scumbag a ‘malign actor’. The Scumbag tweeted he spoke rubbish. Ex-NHS CE Simon Stevens subsequently declared The Cock wanted to decide who lived and died rather than top medics.

At Phase 2 in November, former deputy CO sec Helen MacNamara who Scumbag called a cunt**, said government had no real-life experience or ‘business as usual’ model early 2020. No input from women in Number 10 nor CO meant they became effectively ‘invisible overnight’ and covid policy gaps (e.g., childcare). Told there was a plan 10 days before lockdown, she hadn’t seen one and feared thousands dead, akin to a ‘dystopian nightmare’. She returned from having covid 2^nd April to find Boris absent with it and drafted a document on how to manage when he was ill. She stated restrictions were never followed in Downing St. but as she was fined for attending a lockdown party and brought the karaoke machine to aide Hannah Young’s leaving do 18^th June 2020 as featured in the Channel 4 Partygate film, should have known better!

Lord Mark Sedwill, CO sec until autumn 2020, apologised for recommending ‘chicken pox’ parties to boost herd immunity and, so far up Bori’s arse, ‘his ankles were brown’, had pressed The Bumbler to sack The Cock. He was replaced by Simon Case who likened working in Number 10 to ‘taming wild animals’.

The Glove-Puppet apologised to Bereaved Families for mistakes, agreed lockdowns came too late, criticised tiers and said the impact on children wasn’t considered. Loath to criticise Boris in retrospect, he felt they all deserved a share. Rabid Raab disagreed with Saj that The Scumbag made Bori’s decisions. Thicky Harries admitted infected patients were discharged to care homes and claimed she warned government to safeguard kids. On Newscast, ex-civil servant Jill Rutter found ‘precautionary principles’ interesting; politicians wanting certainty before acting effectively dumped on scientists and PHE. Health threats not treated the same as others like terrorism, it was suggested that UKHSA should sit on the National Security Council.

As part of module 2, the inquiry asked if measures such as social restrictions and lockdowns were in the public interest. Pat Vallance’s diary revealed ‘Number 10 in chaos as usual’ and Boris viewed the pandemic as nature’s way of getting rid of old people. He also dismissed long-covid as ‘bollocks’. Ex mandarin Alex Thomas described an ‘anxious, chaotic and divided’ relationship between CO and No. 10 in the early days. Illustrating dysfunctionality at heart of government, Hugo Keith QC disclosed messages between Simon Case and Boris, autumn 2020: SC: always told Dom real PM but Carrie really in charge.BJ: How true, Smiley face. SC: We look like a terrible joke, I can’t cope with this. I’m going home.

The PM ‘changing strategic direction every day’, Case reached the end of his tether, took sick leave and didn’t attend the inquiry due to a ‘medical issue’ ‘Deeply sorry’ for sending the BYOB garden party e-mail May 2020, former PP Martin Reynolds said government couldn’t deal with the crisis and wrote in his diary that Boris was a weak and ineffective PM. He revealed a ‘shit list’ of people for the chop – it was shit because Scumbag wasn’t on it! Agreeing there was no plan, Boris dithered and took too long imposing lockdown, Lee Cain said it was the wrong crisis for the PMs skillset (whatever that was) but it was a huge undertaking. Keith read The Scumbag’s messages out calling government ‘useless fuck-pigs, cunts and morons’. Dom replied that minister’s incompetence was far worse than his Pi’s and Rho’s. Lord Lister disclosed Boris volunteered to be jabbed with covid live on TV. Meanwhile, claiming to have changed his phone several times and not backed them up, Rishi Rich failed to handover messages from his time as chancellor.

All the bods appeared in what was dubbed Science Week, to reveal the burden of overwork and death threats. Vallance said Boris was bamboozled by The Science and ignored advice on restrictions, believed tiers ineffective and ‘eat out to help out’ which he wasn’t consulted on, helped the spread. The Scumbag ‘happy to see people die’, diary notes showed ministers’ surprise when the CMO piped up. Chris Witless agreed the pandemic preparedness plan wasn’t useful, although lack of data and testing early March 2020 was the big problem. Lockdown #1 a bit late, there were no good options and he advised Van Dam to wait for more data before declaring an epidemic. With hindsight, they could have done things differently. ‘Absolutely not’ consulted on ‘eat out to help out’, Van Dam found out about it on telly and felt allowing mass gatherings spring 2020 ‘unhelpful’. At PMQs, Gareth Thomas asked why Vallance said Rishi didn’t take his advice but 2 years ago, Boris declared they always followed The Science. Rishi spouted the usual lies.

Mass media coverage patchy, a BBC News presenter speaking MLE (Multicultural London English) was almost unintelligible. On Newscast, Laura K. thought the inquiry confirmed how bad things were with government almost imploding, Brexit creating factions and civil servants struggling to grapple with policy. Jo Co asked her Daily Politics panel: who was to blame for the toxic culture – Boris or The Scumbag? Err, the PM appointed them! Due to the 3-cunt rule, HIGNFY used country house instead to ridicule the goings-on. Positing the inquiry was a waste of time, Jeremy Vine queried why it didn’t investigate if covid originated in a Chinese lab. Because that’s not what it’s about you idiot! Even more idiotic, a caller declared the hearings a disgrace and an insult to the bereaved and hoped they didn’t get paid. I suggested she didn’t know what an inquiry was, but Phil reckoned many people didn’t want to contemplate culpability. Others had all-but forgotten about it as evinced by my visit to an elderly neighbour. When I knocked on her door in October, she felt unwell. “Can I help?” “No, I’m waiting for it to work through; it’s one of those things; you know, that thing everyone had 3 years ago and we had to wear masks.” “Covid?” “That’s it!”

Still being grilled in December, The Cock said he resigned over his affair with Gina Colander as he was accountable for not following the rules and that sooner lockdowns could have prevented school closures Jan 2021. He praised Liverpool mayor Joe Anderson for cooperation and regretted he was no longer with us – Joe tweeted he just took his pulse and was still here! Criticising Bunman for putting politics before health by failing to agree a support package, Bunman retorted the problem was with Cock. Attending in person, Bunman complained of London-centric decision-making and fellow Metro Mayor Khan whinged of exclusion.

Allegedly preparing for a year, Boris appeared at the inquiry for 2 days early December, arriving under cover of darkness at 7.00 a.m. sporting a GTFC bobble hat – much to the chagrin of Grimbarians. ‘Deeply sorry’ for pain, loss and suffering, 4 protestors brandishing papers reading ‘the dead can’t hear your apologies’ were ejected. The Bumbler admitted to male-dominated meetings and misjudging scale: “It would certainly be fair to say of me, the entire Whitehall establishment, scientific community…we underestimated the scale and the pace of the challenge…We should have collectively twigged much sooner. I should have twigged.” Defending the overall approach, he denied excess UK deaths second only to Italy, said he didn’t sack The Cock (who’d gone off to do ‘Who Dares Wins’) because he was ‘intellectually able’ and doing his best, conceded tiers didn’t work leading to lockdown #2, was perplexed at scientists’ claims of being unaware of ‘eat out to help out’ and denied advocating letting the virus rip. Not reconciled with deaths, he knew from experience how horrid it was and focused on saving lives. Regretful of Partygate, he claimed public perception of events was a million miles from what actually happened. CO losing its legal challenge to block full release of his documents, a pleased Halibut expected to receive material pronto, but Boris forgot his old phone’s passcode. Needing help to retrieve it, he couldn’t explain why messages disappeared and blathered about WhatsApp going down and coming back up again with data erased.

Rishi apologised to all sufferers but defended ‘eat out to help out’ which he didn’t believe was risky and denied not consulting medics. Panned for putting money before lives, some claimed it saved the hospitality sector, others that it made little difference. Unaware The Treasury was called a death squad, he repeatedly said ‘I don’t recall’ before the inquiry was adjourned until 2024.

Outside the inquiry, a plethora of evidence emerged, proving cronies still got away with it. A study by the Best for Britain group found government wasted £100bn over 4 years on ‘crony contracts’, ‘duff deals’ and ‘outrageous outgoings’ including £15bn on unusable PPE, £140m on the unlawful Rwanda deal, £2bn scrapping HS2, and ½ bn on unused post-Brexit custom inspection sites. £14.9bn PPE written off, plus £3.3bn for TIT, PAC found no proper controls and an inventory impossible 3 years on. Chair Meg Hillier understood pressures at the pandemic’s outset, but lax controls and finance didn’t help, creating a huge challenge of what to do with stockpiles. Finding UKHSA unable to prepare auditable accounts and Jenny Harries lacking ‘technical experience’, Jenny countered she was working with DHSC to overcome ‘inherited’ financial challenges.

On a Medi pro documentary, Michelle Moan confessed she knew about the PPE deal but it was nowt to do with her. She then informed Laura K. that while she lied, she did nothing wrong or illegal. Hubby Doug Barrowman confirmed Moan could be a beneficiary of the £60m profit:’ that’s what you do when you make money’ (splutter!) Wondering who thought the interview was a good idea, Wes Streeting railed at people getting away with ripping the country off and reiterated labour plans for a covid corruption commissioner. Amidst a criminal suit, Oliver Dowdy insisted there was no cronyism in awarding contracts. Rishi said he took the issue incredibly seriously and denied Moan had told government of her involvement. Keir called it ‘a shocking disgrace from top to bottom’.

Babylon Healthcare, which The Cock gave £20m DOH money to for the ‘doctor in your pocket’ app, went bust. There were calls to investigate Leeds company Clipper Logistics £130m subcontracts to distribute PPE. A spokesperson insisted there was no connection to boss Mr Parkin personally donating dosh to the tories. Tom Moore charity trustee and daughter Hannah Ingram-Moore was paid ‘thousands’ to attend charity events. The money went to Maytrix Group (her and hubbies’ company). Instructed to demolish the Captain Tom Foundation Building in their garden, she was reduced to using public spas.

In other news, The Met belatedly issued 24 fines over the Jingle & Mingle do and paid compo to 2 women arrested at the Clapham Common vigil for breaking coronavirus laws. Patsy Stevenson and Dania Al-Obeid didn’t know they’d met there.

Plans for annual covid boosters were unveiled in August. Despite limited info, not yet a variant of concern and only 3 UK cases, Omicron version BA.2.86 aka Pirola, caused covid and flu jabs to be brought forward to 11^th September. Not being over 65, immunosuppressed or care workers, we didn’t qualify and couldn’t buy it even if we could afford to, as Mike Gammon seemed to think we should (at least not yet). The NHS whinged of short notice and begged government to plan better next year. As the number of cases rose to 36, most in a Norfolk care home (one hospitalised, all recovered), UKHSA believed there was some community transmission and urged the eligible to get jabbed. Telly doctor Chris re-emerged to tell BBC Breakfast Pirola had 30 mutations and might bypass immunity but be less hazardous to health. By November, subvariant JN.1had spread to 12 countries. Originating in Denmark, the name Pirola combined Greek letters Pi and Rho, and also happened to be Spanish Galician slang for male anatomy!

Covid and flu still rose in the UK at the end of 2023 but there was less than 2022. Meanwhile, China’s first winter without lockdown since 2020 brought low immunity, lots of flu and inundated hospitals. WHO demanded they release data. Covid vaccine mRNA developers Katalin Kariko and Drew Weissman shared the Nobel prize for medicine. Moderna planned dual vaccines by 2025, and treble ones the year after. Prompted by the emergence of long covid, further research uncovered long colds causing coughing, tummy ache and diarrhoea for up to 4 weeks. As we were ill most of December, I wondered if we had it.

The NHS’ 75^th anniversary was celebrated in July with a service at Westminster Abbey, a Tom Hardy bedtime story and suspension of the hardship fund and counselling service due to overwhelming demand. Mary Parsons who administered the first covid vaccine, wished people recognised it was ‘such a treasure’: “We don’t know what we’ve lost until we lose it.” First NHS baby Aneira Thomas agreed we took it for granted. Meanwhile, millions waited for treatment as Rishi’s promise to reduce the lists floundered, alongside his other daft priorities.

*Covid inquiry areas and modules- 4 underway:

Resilience and preparedness
Core UK decision-making and political governance
Impact on healthcare systems
Vaccines and therapeutics (including anti-virals)

Others to be announced included: The care sector, PPE procurement, Test and trace, Government business and financial response, Health inequalities and the impact of Covid-19, Education, children and young people, Other public services (including frontline delivery by key workers).

**Scumbag said of MacNamara “I don’t care how it’s done but that woman must be out of our hair – we cannot keep dealing with this horrific meltdown of the British state while dodging stilettos from that cunt.” Disappointed Boris didn’t pull Cummings up on his ‘violent and misogynistic language’, MacNamara responded: ‘It’s horrible to read, and both surprising and not surprising.‘

Part 99 – Culture Club

“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)

Lovely Jubbly!

Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigaⁱ and journal, and worked on the next episode.

Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21^st February, there’d be no Novax!

Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”

Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?

Cancel Culture

As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.

The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.

Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15^th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.

I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.

Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21^st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!

Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.

Menagerie

Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.

Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.

Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!

Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.

Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?

I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.

Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomⁱ. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?

The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 91 – Partygate

“People should be able to look forward to Christmas without having to worry about how they’ll pay for it” (Frances O’Grady)

Whine and Beer

The weather on Monday was as dull as my day, consisting of nasty chores, posting blogs and a yoga session cut short by the still-sore jabbed arm.

Goblin Saj told MPs Omicron was spreading around the world and in the UK. 336 cases, not all linked to travel, the time between infection and infectiousness was shorter than earlier variants. No room in quarantine hotels, Richard E Grant whined about his Heathrow Holiday Inn brekkie. Kit Malthouse advised he take it up with the chefs. Traces found on 11/12 bogs in parliament, Kit said MPs likely took cocaine and Lindsay Hoyle called the police. With impeccable timing, Boris launched a 10-year crackdown on drugs in Liverpool, moronically dressed up as a cop. BOE deputy governor Ben Broadbent predicted inflation would hit 5% when energy prices rose in spring 2022. He was way off the mark, as it turned out.

Giving the Richard Dimbelby lecture, Sarah Gilbert explained how experts had led the way. Work on developing a MERS vaccine in 2018 and ‘Platform technology’ on ‘disease x’ meant not starting from scratch and moving fast when info on the novel coronavirus came through very early January 2020. On 11^th January, the spike protein’s genetic code was released and the first small batch of vaccine was ready by April for animal trials in Brazil and SA. Processes were accelerated so they ran in parallel with prep for human trials and the first volunteer was jabbed on 23^rd April. No money until creation of the Vaccine Taskforce, they formed a partnership with AZ and the drug was approved for emergency use 23^rd December. They got round issues of working in a pandemic by having zoom meetings, socially-distancing in labs, declaring staff as key workers so their kids could stay in school and hiring private jets to avoid flight restrictions. Communication not previously a priority for scientists, they had learnt from failing to get messages across such as the rarity of blood clots (less of a risk than from covid itself), and that it was safe during pregnancy. As coronavirus ‘wasn’t done with us’, work on variants started immediately. She warned of a future ‘disease y’ which could be worse and wanted a ‘health force’ working like the army to tackle threats. The new Pandemic Sciences Centre at Oxford could make vaccines for other diseases too. Investment in people and labs was crucial, especially for large-scale manufacture, and in methods and facilities, particularly in Africa.

Oversleeping on Tuesday, I cleaned, wrote, and went to the co-op – fairly busy but better stocked. In the evening, I texted Walking Friend to arrange lunch the next day and tried to print the Christmas card. The laptop said the printer was offline, I switched to the desktop, had to replenish ink, couldn’t open the pack and got frustrated and upset. Phil came to the rescue. 7.45 by then, I was glad of leftovers for dinner. Then Word went into some unfathomable view mode. I furiously put it aside and watched telly.

Officially 101 new Omicron cases, Prof Tim Spector said they were doubling every day, and there were more in the UK than in some countries on the red list, rendering travel restrictions futile. Cabinet ministers heard it spread 3 times faster than Delta but didn’t discuss plan B. Boris expected to update on additional restrictions ‘within the next 2 weeks’, an Ipsos/Mori/BBC vox pop revealed 63% wanted more and 12% wanted less. ONS announced a ‘statistically significant’ rise of 18.6% in alcohol-related deaths during 2020, much higher in deprived areas. Reasons not analysed, David Fothergill of the LGA Community Wellbeing Board said: “These stark statistics should act as a wake-up call about the impact of Covid-19 on our general health.” Jason Beer said ‘sorry’ for not properly overseeing building regs leading to the Grenfell Tower fire. Foreign Office whistle-blower Raphael Marshall revealed the chaotic Afghanistan evacuation entailed arbitrary selection as Rabid Raab didn’t fully understand the situation and delayed making decisions, leaving those left behind to be murdered by the Taliban. Rabid defended wanting each case neatly presented. Weather bomb Storm Barra brought heavy rain and 80 mph gusts to Ireland and the UK.

Bunfight

Pitch black and cold first thing Wednesday, I eschewed chores. Phil sorted the daft Word feature – I’d inadvertently done something funny on the view menu. We then watched PMQs before Walking Friend arrived, who’d texted to say she’d call round after the bunfight.

As video emerged of Allegra Stratton joking about Christmas parties at Number 10, DOE admitted staff met after-hours for a ‘social gathering’ on 10^th Dec 2020, against tier 3 lockdown rules. Ant and Dec joined in the jest on ‘I’m a Celeb’. In a predictably packed Commons, PMQs was all about the parties. Lawyer Keir pointed out Raab’s claims that police didn’t investigate crimes retrospectively was utter rubbish. Boris accused him of playing politics. Ian Blackford railed: “the government have laughed in our faces. Is this the man to lead these islands when lives are at stake? If he doesn’t resign, he must be removed.” Lindsay Hoyle repeatedly scolded MPs, saying they needed to do better. Boris promised investigations by Simon Case with evidence handed to the Met. The PM ‘furious’ at the fake news footage, The Stratton tearfully apologised and resigned that evening. Who’d be next?

Phil took a break from his tiny work to come for lunch. We went via the post-box for me to post cards to my aunty and said hello to The Poet at the corner pub. At the Turkish café, we ensconced in a cosy corner to chat about Walking Friends’ 60^th birthday plans, Christmas and the bunfight. I was sceptical of her view it was ‘a dead cat’ to kill off the hoi polio but agreed anti-vaxxers should watch Gilbert’s persuasive lecture. Although I was uncomfortable about testing on monkeys. Phil headed home while I accompanied Walking Friend to the wavy steps. She threw birdfeed to be surrounded by a flurry of duck and pigeon wings. On the next bridge a large heron perched next to a gushing weir. After some charity shopping, the rain turned foul. We sheltered beneath an arch, and said goodbye before she went for groceries and I went to Oxfam for 99p jewellery. Achy, sodden and freezing back home, I went straight upstairs to remove sodden clothes and warm up in bed. I rose in time for the Bumbler’s evening briefing.

Much earlier than predicted and after hastily consulting cabinet, Boris announced Plan B, effective next week. He insisted that with Omicron growing faster than previous variants, it was the ‘proportionate and responsible thing to do’, allowing time to get boosters done. The plan re-introduced guidance to work from home from Monday if possible or use masks if not. From Friday, face-coverings would be mandatory for most indoor settings including theatres and cinemas and a Covid Pass was needed from 15^thDecember for nightclubs and other venues – obtainable after 2 doses of vaccine or a negative LFT. Daily tests for contacts instead of self-isolation would minimise disruption. He said they’d take “every step to ensure the NHS is ready for the challenges ahead,” but the best thing we could all do was get jabbed. The new rules were due to last till 26^th January 2022, subject to review 5^th January with 4 criteria: efficacy of vaccines, severity of infection, speed of spread of Omicron, and rate of hospitalisations.

Nobody would take any notice after the Downing Street Christmas party debacle! Was it indeed a dead cat? Questions from the press asking if he was at some of the parties, echoed my thoughts on how he expected us to follow the law when he didn’t? Boris was of course evasive. Vallance said the rules were carefully thought through and Witless said people get angry when they think things aren’t fair but we should separate that out from reasons for the decisions. His so-called ‘laying out the logic’ didn’t wash with livid tory backbenchers who saw it as a deflection technique. Sir Charles Walker said measures would be seen as advisory: “I think it would be very difficult to enshrine them in law and then once again ask our poor police force to enforce them…And the events of the last 24 hours make it probably impossible now.” Did he allude to the latest claims from The Scumbag of more alleged Whitehall parties last Christmas making a total of 7? It didn’t escape notice that Plan B stopped short of banning private gatherings. Loopholes aplenty, Covid Passes were needed to go clubbing but you could host a huge house party with no restrictions. Also, singing was exempt meaning no law against taking your mask off and going round the supermarket singing Christmas songs. And there was nothing to stop work colleagues meeting in the pub, even if they worked from home. The NHS Covid Pass app promptly crashed.

Elsewhere, on the anniversary of the first ever covid jab, Margaret Keenan was interviewed and the booster roll-out was opened to over 40’s. Lord Tyrie called PCR tests for travel a ‘rip-off jungle.’ Fly-tipping up 16% during the pandemic, fines fell by half. Olaf Scholz was sworn in as Chancellor of Germany.

In Flagrante

The Laptop behaved oddly again before I could work on the journal Thursday, but it was probably my fault for randomly pressing keys. Skies brighter, Phil went to Leeds and I went to town in search of Christmas gifts and goodies. I struggled home with heavy bags, stuffed food in my gob and tried to do housework. Knackered, I managed a bit of dusting before resting.

3 of the alleged Whitehall ‘gatherings’ being investigated, it emerged communications chief Jack Doyle was at the 18^th December bash. At least 3 members of the public were fined for holding parties the very same day, making a mockery of the latest excuse for police inaction – a lack of evidence rather than the time gap. Err, I thought that was up to the CPS! Cynics claimed the Met weren’t prosecuting because Boris stuck by Caressa Dick amid calls for her resignation. Jeremy Vine mainly a sob-fest the last 2 days, Angela Rayner appeared from home via zoom, with an Ashton face. Did she get back from Westminster Wednesday night and do her eyebrows? Recapping the litany of awful government acts, she cried: “This man shouldn’t be prime minister…(he’s) not fit to govern.” As she evaded questions on why Keir hadn’t demanded Boris’ resignation, opinion polls showed 54% of the public thought he should. While Carrie Antionette gave birth to his umpteenth sprog, there were further calls for the PM to quit. The Electoral Commission fined the tory party £17,800 for not following the rules on donations from Lord Brownnose towards the Number 10 flat renovation. The report revealed a WhatsApp message from Boris to Brownnose asking for dosh. Rayner resurfaced to accuse him of lying when he said he didn’t know where the money came from. Downing Street insisted he was honest ‘at all times’, it was only a ‘technical breach’ and considered appealing against the fine. Rayner demanded fresh investigations from Lord Geidt and Kathryn Stone as Boris was ‘in flagrant breach’ of both the ministerial code and the MPs’ code of conduct.

The RSPB said HPAI* (aka bird flu), affected poultry and wild birds across the UK. Mainly ducks, geese and swans, ½ million domestic fowl were culled and some birds of prey died. Normal during the migration season, Useless George called it the biggest outbreak ever. On QT, tory Rachel Mclean didn’t answer questions about confidence. An irate man in the audience screamed: “They’re mocking us. It’s an absolute disgrace!” Train-lover Mike Portillo considered the overall covid policy ‘pretty good’ but plan B a diversionary tactic. Newscast guffawed at a veritable smorgasbord with something happening every hour of the day.

Friday, I felt unrested after a fractious night. Phil seeming sleepy, I made a big effort to get the cereal, worked on the journal and went to the co-op. Waiting for Phil’s help outside the shop, I realised I’d lost a mask bag and whizzed round the aisles again to no avail. Seeing an ambulance in the street as I left the house, I surmised it was for Elderly Neighbours. Phil saw The Wife being wheeled out. When we got back, The Husband was on their doorstep and told me her kidneys had ‘gone funny’. She’d been treated by the GP who advised getting the ambulance. The crew spent a ½ hour persuading her to go to hospital, then she had to be blue-lighted. “I can imagine!” said Phil. We spent the afternoon cleaning and viewing an interminable pointless Facebook video of morons making a big mess trying to fry eggs on matches. It reminded Phil of one wherein a woman baked a terrible unicorn cake.

58,194 daily cases was the most since January 2021. Omicron growing faster than Delta, it pervaded all regions and scientists predicted it’d be the dominant strain within a week. Susan Hopkins didn’t know how many hospitalisations there’d be. Due at a cobra meeting with The Glove-puppet, Sturgeon said she expected a tsunami of infections because of its transmissibility. But Metro reported Gove, Raab and Shats were isolating meeting infected Australian deputy PM Barnaby Joyce. Number 10 cancelled the staff Christmas party but said there was no need for others to follow suit. The decision was apparently nothing to do with the fiasco over last year’s shindigs but based on increased workloads to implement Plan B, and ‘the latest data we’ve got’. ITV later reported police entered Number 10 on the night of the alleged party after an alarm went off. Did they stay for wine and cheese? Some wag designed a Christmas Card mocking The Stratton. The Glove-puppet reportedly worked on Plan C to implement January 2022, entailing mandatory mask-wearing and Covid Passes in more places, and using the TIT app in hospitality. Post-mortem results on Geronimo the alpaca failing to find the source of TB, owner Helen MacDonald decried a cover-up.

Just about to make breakfast Saturday, there was a knock at the door. Expecting a secret delivery, I shouted up for Phil not to answer. In fact, it was Walking Friend with something we’d talked about Wednesday. She was off to Bradford with The Poet. Ostensibly to view plots and decide where to put her friend’s remains, she expected to end up in a pub rather than the cemetery. Grey, drizzly and cold, I was going nowhere. Printing Christmas cards and recycling old envelopes took most of the day. Leeds United were robbed as Chelsea were awarded 3 dodgy penalties. Fans complained of being squashed getting into Stamford Bridge.

Unable to sleep in Sunday, I watched The Marr. A video showed Boris playing a Christmas quiz with staff at number 10 last year. Keir said he appeared to have broken the law and people were right to be furious. Asked why there wasn’t a vote of no confidence, he replied because labour showed strong leadership supporting covid measures, which was ‘the right thing to do’. Nads Zahawi claimed the incriminating footage was actually of Boris thanking his team on zoom. Added to earlier reports of ‘gatherings’, who to believe?

Overnight rain led to a dull wet start but it brightened later. I spent ages rooting out a metal bucket from the cubby hole and was about to go twig hunting, when I realised the medium-sized Christmas tree looked much greener. Phil said he’d been caring for it which obviously paid off. He removed the remaining brown needles while I cleared debris. I’d noticed a few days ago that two planters had disappeared from the garden wall. Preferring to think they’d blown away in the storm, I then spotted clumps of soil– firm evidence they’d been nicked. Very depressing! We brought the Christmas trees in to acclimatise, got cleaned up, ate cake and cleared a corner in the kitchen to make space for Christmas goodies. No new photos, I used one of backstreets taken last week for a haigaⁱ.

Spreading at an alarming rate, Omicron accounted for 34% of London cases and a number of hospitalisations. The covid alert level rose from 3 to 4. Susan Hopkins referred to a ‘big wave coming straight at us’. Boris interrupted evening TV for a proclamation. His latest madcap target was to boost all adults in England by the end of December so the NHS had to match and then exceed its ‘best day ever’. The over 30’s could book online from Monday, all over 18’s from Wednesday, with other medical procedures postponed until the new year. Scotland followed suit and Wales was expected to bring in more restrictions. Northern Ireland had the highest covid rate in the UK again but only 8 confirmed Omicron cases. Lockdown in Austria ended for the vaccinated but an 11.00 p.m. curfew remained. Regional news reported Leeds would lose £35 million coffee-cup money due to workers not in offices.

Real wages fell 0.8% according to the TUC. Frances O’Grady fumed that people should be looking forward to Christmas without worrying how to pay for it: “Millions are facing a cost of living storm as bills soar and real pay falls. After more than a decade of wage stagnation, this is the last thing working families need. The government can’t sit this crisis out. Ministers should get around the table with unions and employers now, and work out fair pay agreements for every industry. That’s the best way to boost living standards and ease the pressure on households.”

Tornadoes in south eastern America almost entirely wiped out the town of Mayfield, Kentucky and killed 94 people including 6 staff at an Amazon warehouse in Edwardsville, Illinois. An investigation into safety measures was launched. Bezos sent condolences.

*HPAI – High Pathogen Avian Influenza

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 82 –People Just Do Nothing

“As ever, this political jester came up with nothing but hot air” (Manuel Cortes)

Hear Nothing

Haiga – Shadow Play

After posting blogs Monday, I succeeded in entering meter readings and book a service on the British Gas website. Unable to get a date before the year’s homecare cover expired, I subsequently rang to negotiate a refund and reduction for next year, with added drainage and leccy cover we’d probably never use. Disturbed by scraping noises under the window in the afternoon and by night-time fretting, I had little rest.

Refusing to resign, Caressa Dick promised to review police standards and culture and investigate specific issues in the Parliamentary and Diplomatic Protection Command. Yvette Coop said it wasn’t enough. In Manchester, Boris claimed there was no need to make misogyny a crime as there were enough laws already, and Patel announced an independent inquiry into the ‘systematic failures’ allowing Couzens to be a cop. Rishi Rich told conference there’d be more help for AI jobs, no chance of tax cuts until we’d recovered from the pandemic and ‘managing the cost of living’ wasn’t a soundbite. You could have fooled me! Helen Waffle then waffled on Newsnight about bootcamps getting people into jobs. Facebook, Insta and WhatsApp went down for 6 hours. Cause unknown, shares plummeted and Mark Zuckerberg lost £4.3 billion. Ex-executive Frances Haugen informed senators he cared more about profits than kids.

Olive Faces

During exercise Tuesday, a burp gave me backache. Phil heedlessly sprung into action and I struggled on with chores and writing. Inspired by Phil’s hilarious creative efforts the day before, I made faces with lunchtime humus and olives. Somehow, they didn’t engender the same level of hysterics.

Going shopping in nasty cold rain, the co-op was also horrid. Parents and kids ambled and gabbed all over the shop. One family edged closer behind me at the till. I was trying to hurry when a chubby girl pushed my goods down the conveyor.

“Excuse me! Do you mind not touching my stuff?” I snapped. Shocked at actually being told off, she cowered. I rushed home where Phil had helpfully hung washing up and cleared kitchen tops for groceries, but I still managed to tip veg on the floor. Finding wet clothes placed on top of almost-dry stuff on the rack upstairs, I became frustrated by the niggles and lay on the bed.

School absences due to infections went up 2/3 at the end of September. Neil Ferguson warned the UK had little headroom compared to other countries before the NHS became ‘heavily stressed’ because of the ‘political decision to ‘live with covid’. He advised Plan B (masks, passes and working from home). Israelis had to have a third vaccine shot to keep the Green Pass and New Zealand abandoned their ‘zero covid’ strategy. Phased re-opening would start in Auckland. As Insulate Britain stopped ambulances getting through and scrapped with motorists, Roger Hallam of XR said they were right to block roads. Arrogant nob Liam Norton came on Jeremy Vine to not hear what anyone was saying and preach. He later apologised outside the High Court. At conference, Boris called them ‘irresponsible crusties’ and Patel announced increased penalties for disrupting a motorway and the criminalisation of interfering with key infrastructure such as roads, airports and railways. HS2 unlikely to come north, it was estimated tunnelling protestors at Euston last year cost £3.5 million. Simon Gass met the Taliban in Doha to discuss humanitarian aid, threats of terrorism, safe passage, treatment of minorities and women’s’ rights. Resulting in no action, it seemed they heard little.

Say Nothing

Ethereal Clouds

Hoovering the living room Wednesday, I felt overwhelmed by housework, got upset and slumped on the sofa. Phil sympathised and asked how he could help. I ranted that I never felt on top of chores but that wasn’t the real issue. Very sunny and warm, he thought lunch at the tearooms would cheer me up. Among a plethora of wildlife on the patio, a dying wasp stung Phil’s hand. His jumping and shouting alerted the waitress who asked if he needed anything. I suggested hot water (but as I later wondered was it cold, he tried both). A guy I knew from art class and his partner sympathised from the next table. While eating, we joked about Boris’ speech probably not mentioning Brexit, the latest antics of the French, and speculated on Barnier becoming the next president. As a trio proudly brandishing the daily express took the place of our acquaintances, I muttered: “What were you saying about gammons?” I adopted a nonchalant air, gazing up at wispy clouds and falling leaves, to realise the air was swarming with midges. We escaped from the riverside and visited charity shops. Buying nothing, we had a laugh at activity building kits including a medieval clock and jousting knights.

Vaccines were sent to scientists in antarctica but Sarah Gilbert warned with only 1.9% of people in poorer countries immunised, nobody was yet safe. After successful trials, The WHO approved the Mosquirix malaria vaccine. Quizzed on the pathetic 127 foreign HGV driver applications, The Bumbler ridiculously bigged it up to 137. He just couldn’t stop lying! He later declared: “the supply chain problem is caused very largely by the strength of the economic recovery.” Did he mean buying plastic crap from China, pushing demand and costs up? Telling Laura Kuensberg supermarkets would manage due to ‘fantastic expertise and logistics’, she said it sounded as though he didn’t hear people’s concerns, took no responsibility, didn’t see it as his problem and would do nothing to help. Ignoring immediate short-term issues of shortages and spiralling inflation, he prattled about building a different future. Were the 150 new Greggs shops planned for 2022 part of the plan?

In a bombastic keynote speech full of hutzpah and terrible jokes, Boris took credit for the triumphs of Emma Raducanu, UK Paralympians and the Oxford Vaccine, saying the 97% publicly-funded feat was possible because of capitalism. He said he’d unleash the ‘unique spirit’ of the country by having the guts to reshape society and address previously-dodged issues. Defending restricting the number of foreign workers and the National Insurance hike, he insisted a new approach would lead to a ‘high wage, high skilled, high productivity and…low tax economy’ which was what people voted for in 2016. No they didn’t! He intimated worker and food shortages, and price and wage hikes were a deliberate strategy. Not happy at being branded the bogeymen, capitalists called him ‘economically illiterate’ and Richard Walker said it wasn’t helpful. Criticism from unions included Manuel Cortes of TSSA saying it was ‘nothing but hot air’ in a time of inflation, cuts, shortages and a climate crisis. The only policy he announced was a ‘levelling up’ premium of £3,000 for maths and science teachers which former education adviser Sam Freedman said was a U-turn on a previously scrapped plan. Carrie Antoinette watched adoringly, resembling a handmaid minus the bonnet. On the eve of the Universal Credit cut, Peter Bottom complained an MP’s £82,000 salary was a pittance and Therese Coffee-Cup belted out ‘The Time Of My Life’ at a tory karaoke. Wes Streeting spluttered: “they just don’t know what life is like for a hell of a lot of people…they make policies that are actively hurting people who are going out, working hard, trying to make the best for their family and are really struggling.”

Do Nothing

Life on a Small Island

Waking late Thursday, Phil helped with chores before I went to the co-op. Much calmer on a bright day, a woman in front of me at the till asked hipster cashier if he used to work at the club. He said yes but gave it up as he was too old for the job. “You can’t be older than the people who go there!” I joked. He took this as a cue to launch into his life story as a dad of three kids. Phil had again cleared the kitchen for my return but I still faffed. In the afternoon, I posted ‘Flash Forage in Arnside on Cool Places 2ⁱ.

Receiving an honorary degree from Manchester University, Marcus Rashford again called for Universal Credit to not be cut. In a Refuge campaign launch outside Scotland Yard, Jo Brand and Helena Kennedy QC joined 16 silhouettes with the slogan #EnoughisEnough, representing women killed by serving cops. Less stocks over summer, infrastructure outages and reduced global supply led to gas prices rocketing 37%. Russia released more into the market but was accused of blackmail over the Nord Stream 2 pipeline. French minister Clement Beaune threatened to cut the UK off if fishing wasn’t allowed round jersey. The EU advised he cool it. The National Grid assured us lights would stay on over winter thanks to alternative supplies including European gas pipes and shipped natural gas brought. But Ofgem conceded it was a worrying time and the price hike would be passed onto consumers.

On QT, Rosie Jones said she heard nothing in Boris’ speech and on Newscast, money expert Martin Lewis said ‘do nothing’ about rising bills. I felt vindicated, having always thought it ludicrous that the onus was on consumers to shop around for the cheapest deals when all our power came from a few sources. And with only 8 days reserve supply in the UK, it highlighted the idiocy of the ‘just in time’ procurement model. They didn’t need ex-Tesco boss Dave Lewis, appointed as adviser, to resolve acute supply chain issues and suggest long-term changes, they could just ask me! Based in the Cabinet Office, he would also co-chair a new supply chain advisory board and industry taskforce.

Glad of no shopping to do on a sunny Friday, I waited in the street for Phil to come on an afternoon walk, spotting a mystery man working on a laptop in the community garden. We got pop and pies in town and went to the park to eat. I then waited for Phil to get off his phone. Earning 4 euros for his first ‘click job’ analysing tweets, he said it paid more than YouGov but less than everything else. We walked through the park, bemoaned the mowing of wildflower patches, headed up to farmland, and along the top of the old quarry where impromptu streams and nettles made the going tricky. Striding ahead, Phil came back to help me, getting stung again. Hot and sweaty, we went down to the shady wood, displaying a few signs of autumn but disappointingly no mushrooms. On reaching the druid stones, we considered a rest but reasoning we were almost home, continued down the scary rutted last bit of path. I collapsed on the sofa, feeling slightly out of breath which was meant to be good I believe.

A day after E-gates at Heathrow, Gatwick and Edinburgh airports failed again, more countries were removed from the red list (leaving just 7), advice against non-essential travel was lifted and the vaccinated didn’t need to quarantine. Green and amber lists would be abolished Monday. Change Please converted 2 London buses to offer a one-stop shop for the homeless. Former Northern Ireland Secretary James Brokenshire died.

Saturday much greyer, I rose on wobbly legs, worked on the laptop, put recycling out and hacked at excessive branches round our Christmas trees. The medium-sized one now yellower, it was unlikely to recover for the festive season. Phil sold another Leeds-based print from the café expo (the old bus station was now a hipster bar).

Sunday, I discovered ‘likes’ on Brexit Islandⁱⁱ were still climbing, and a cartoon I’d posted a few days ago had been shared. Followers now including lefties and anarchists as well as right-wing nutters, I shared a link to a review of Barnier’s book. My Secret Brexit Diary confirmed the EU’s strategy was to sit tight and do nothing until the UK government caved inⁱⁱⁱ.

As sunshine returned, we went to pootle in the favoured clough. Oak sprigs scattered the shrunken small islands. Tiny fish swam beneath layers of decaying leaves. Rotting mushrooms sprouted from deadwood. As we rested on a bench, a passing hiking group speculated on creation of the landscape. I confirmed it was once a millrace. Walking up to the stone bridge, a thoughtful man with child and dog stepped aside for us. We then climbed up to the lane, savouring sun and wind in our faces and kicking crunchy leaves in the gutter. Cutting the corner off via small steps, the same man ascended giving us chance to return the favour. The old chapel no longer advertised a ‘free school’ but a ‘to let’ sign for the hostel left us wondering how that worked? Town heaving as ever, we ducked through an arch. Phil pointed at an old schoolfriend’s shop: “I saw you coming.” ‘That’s my mates’ shop!’ The almost-closed market hosted nothing but ‘I saw you coming’ stalls. The man in the Thai van yelled to a fellow trader: “have you got any burritos left?” in a broad Yorkshire accent. There was nothing like authenticity! We went in the convenience store before going home. Phil went to the kitchen, sorted shopping and put the kettle on. I followed to find spills round the draining board, making me fraught. Calming over coffee and cake, I used a dark woodland picture to compose a haiga^iv. Fretting returning, I found it hard to sleep that night.

On the Marr, Stephen Fitzpatrick told us Ovo, one of the Big Six, made a nauseating £5bn profits last year. He said they’d hedged well to ensure winter lights wouldn’t go out but government must act to protect those on low incomes and ensure a long-term strategy for the next generation. Although the Liberty Steel Rotherham plant would re-open, the boss of British Steel was baffled by a lack of aid from Kwasi Kwarteng, when governments had stepped in elsewhere. Other gas-guzzling manufacturers warned of stoppages. Kwarteng told Marr he’d spoken to Rishi’s colleagues about help to be promptly contradicted by a Treasury official insisting no such discussions took place and intimating he ‘misspoke’. As Boris and family went to stay in Zak Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella, Labour called the situation ‘farcical in-fighting’. Bridget Phillipson said: “in the teeth of a crisis of its own making, the government has put its out-of-office on. The PM has gone on holiday, no one knows where the chancellor is and…the business secretary has entered the realms of fantasy.” Jenny Harries (CE of UK Health Security Agency) warned up to 60,000 flu fatalities were possible over winter, with death twice as likely if you got flu and covid at the same time. Criticising civil servants for still working from home, IDS asked where was their blitz spirit? It was pointed that WW2 bombings happened at night when not many people were in offices, the internet didn’t exist in the 1940’s and government sold off half of Whitehall leaving only 3 desks per 10 staff in some departments. Anti-vaxxers visited Jeremy Vine’s house to give his wife a writ while animal cruelty fans went to Chris Packham’s pad and set his gate alight. He vowed to not give up fighting.

References:

i. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

ii. Brexit Island on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BrexitIsland/

iii. Barnier’s book: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/25/my-secret-brexit-diary-by-michel-barnier-review-a-british-roasting

iv. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 80 – The Muppet Show

“I think in the short-term that will be a dead end…EU workers we speak to will not go to the UK for a short-term visa to help the UK out of the shit they created themselves” (Edwin Atema)

The Clown, The Bozo and The Bonzo

The week began sunny and bright, as did I. After chores and posting a haiga Monday, I realised I’d forgot coffee at the weekend. I found plenty of fruit and veg in the co-op, but no berries. The hipster cashier thought the shortages were random but I concluded seasonal British produce was less affected by the CO2 shortage. Maybe it would change people’s buying habits for the good. While editing holiday photos in the evening, Phil showed me how to create panoramas in Photoshop. Relatively easy, perhaps it was time to ditch the infuriating Microsoft ICE. I could hardly keep my eyes open at bedtime but it took a while to drop off and hot flushes woke me in the night.

The Bumbler went to America with newly-promoted Trussed-up Liz. He chaired a UN meeting on the COP26 agenda, and met Uncle Joe to discuss climate change, the pandemic and the Aukus submarine deal with Australia, which upset the French so much Liz’s counterpart Le Drian said the UK was run by Monty Python. The muppets, more like! As a sop to European critics, Joe announced double-vaccinated travellers could go to the US from November. Gordy Brown sent the government an Airfinity report saying it was a scandal 100 million vaccine doses would expire by December if not sent to poor countries. After the RCN rejected the 3% NHS pay offer, 4/5 Unison members and 9/10 GMB health & care workers did likewise. The government held emergency talks with suppliers and said there’d be no bail-out for small energy companies who went bust but state-backed loans for bigger ones to take on their customers. Martin Lewis warned consumers would have to choose between heating and eating. Denying a crisis, Kwasi Kwarteng assured us there was “no question of the lights going out.”

On a warm, hazy last day of summer, I took time out from housework and writing, firstly to marvel at how much I missed Grange, with its awesome seascape colours. Usually appreciating where we live on returning home, I guessed it was because it was our only trip to the seaside in over a year. Secondly, for a spell outdoors in the afternoon sun. Phil needed the shop in town. Hardly seeing a soul for days, I was struck by how busy it was. Feeling tired, we went to the park, sat on a bench, drank pop, watched rooks swank about on the football pitch and noted autumnal changes, then walked back along the canal where a heron surveyed for prey above the aqueduct (see below). After a siesta, I settled down with a coffee when the landline rang. Getting up to answer a robot, I suddenly remembered promising the Christmas cake recipe to Elderly Neighbour. Retrieving the old Word file, OneDrive said it couldn’t save changes and I spent ages re-editing before sending. According to local weather, September was warmer than June or August and the warmest since records began in 1659. Nevertheless, clouds descended in the early hours, obscuring the full harvest moon until the following night, auspiciously on the autumn equinox.

Jeff Bozo refused to commit Amazon paying more UK tax, telling The Bumbler it was government’s job to come up with appropriate frameworks. Boris met Bonzonaro separately. It would truly have been a muppet show if they’d all met together! After shaking Boris’ hand, the Brazilian health minister tested positive for covid. Did he share his boss’ anti-vax views? Kwarteng claimed he was focussed on helping the ‘fuel poor’ as he struck a deal with CF Industries to re-start CO2 production in Cheshire and Teesside. Richard Walker of Iceland said “a 3 week deal won’t save Christmas” while a festive tree shortage was foreseen because of Brexit. But Boris still insisted “Christmas is on” and stuck to the line of creating jobs rather than not cutting Universal Credit. Labour called the end of the £20 uplift, rising fuel costs and the National Insurance hike a ‘triple whammy’. Furlough also due to end, likely leading to more unemployment, there was no sign of Rishi Rich.

The Romper Room

Wednesday, Phil felt unwell but his cough eased with Covonia, so probably not covid. I started to feel ill after breakfast. The usual sinus lark likely caused by fighting fatigue since our trip, I fetched coffee and the laptop and stayed abed the rest of the week. Working on the journal, I drew curtains to block out the early autumn sun’s glare and tried hard to not be depressed at being stuck indoors. Phil characteristically continued working downstairs, not hearing a feint knock on the door, or me shouting him. He eventually answered for the woman from next-door-but-one to place 2 large bottles of milk on the doorstep. My worries about them fitting in our tiny fridge and what on earth we’d would do with it all, proved unfounded. Phil managed to wedge them in and they had a long sell-by date. I placed an Ocado order, unexpectedly getting a delivery slot for the following evening. Phil said it was a good job as if he went out, he might get attacked by people fearful of infection. “If it is covid, I blame the trains!” “How would we know if it was a mild case now we’re double-jabbed?” “You could get a covid test.” “I’ll think about it.” After dinner, I stayed up to watch Prime and got a sudden sharp twinge in my left foot when I went back upstairs. Strangely on the opposite side to the sprain, a massage helped slightly but the pain returned every time I turned over during the night.

Chris Witless said most infections were in the young, ½ of kids had had covid and the other ½ would catch it if not vaccinated. Oxford Vax hero Sarah Gilbert found it hard getting money to develop other vaccines including for MERS. The Good Law Project brought action against DOHSC for awarding £80 million ‘secret’ covid antibody test contracts to Abingdon Health and the ONS predicted £20.9 million of covid loan cash wouldn’t be repaid. In the continuing energy crisis, 7 unheard-of suppliers collapsed. No trade deal with the US anytime soon, Boris laughably lauded the ban on British beef and lamb being lifted. At the UN, Uncle Joe pledged doubling climate aid funding for poor countries to a total of $11.4 billion. China promised not to build more coal-powered plants. After blocking the M25 five times in a week, Insulate Britain carried on protesting, despite 270 arrests and a High Court injunction. Pret were opening 200 new coffee shops.

The PM stateside, PMQs pitted demoted deputy Rabid Raab against Angela Rayner. She asked: “how many days does a worker on minimum wage have to work to afford a night in a luxury hotel on Crete?” As he waffled, she told him: “ An extra 50 days. Even more if the sea was open.” She went onto to ask, in the same week they were cutting Universal Credit and energy bills rose, could he “guarantee no one will be pushed into fuel poverty this winter?” Raab retorted: “Let me remind her of her words: ‘working people don’t want a handout, they want opportunities’. We’re giving them that.” Rayner maintained the government’s failures paved the way for the crisis, which they were warned about and had a choice to make working people’s lives harder or easier. Would they cancel the UC cut?” Raab blathered about plans for the NHS and the economy, saying with vacancies and wages up, it was working. Kirsten Oswald, SNP, found his answers perplexing. predicted a ‘cost of living tsunami’ and declared: “you can’t level up by making people poorer.” A smug Raab accused her of scaremongering and referred to British armed forces helping the Scottish NHS. On Newsnight, Barry Gardiner said the government was “lurching from one crisis to another.”

Thursday morning, Phil coughed less while I felt worse. Putting the bed-changing off until after lunch, it proved a slow and knackering chore. After a rest, I got dressed for the Ocado delivery, which arrived early. I dumped bags on the stone floor and left sorting groceries until dinner. Bad idea – the fish-fingers partially defrosted. They still tasted okay though. I went back to bed early and Phil used some of the surplus milk to bring me a huge cup of hot chocolate.

1/3 of tenant evictions were due to the covid holiday ending. HGV driver shortages led to councils cancelling bin collections, BP rationing fuel and Esso closing some Tesco pumps. Food industry bodies wrote to implore Boris to ‘save Christmas’, experts called for Covid Recovery Visas for critical staff and the BOE warned of a 4% inflation rise. Still denying there were problems, small business minister Paul Scuzz-bag said “This isn’t a 1970’s thing.” Biden pledged another 5000 million doses of vaccines, still 5 billion short of what was needed. Failing to get a US trade deal, Trussed-up Liz headed to Mexico to try and join CPTPP. A friend disclosed she called Raab hanging onto Chevening ‘ridiculous’ while he got dressed up for his inauguration as Lord Chancellor. The La Palma eruption predicted to last 84 days, on the other side of the world, earthquakes and anti-lockdown protests hit Victoria.

On a live Question Time, Shiny turd Shats listed initiatives when quizzed on the Universal Credit cut. Richard Walker told him they weren’t working, the cut was coming at a time of food and energy inflation and there were more food banks than branches of McDonalds. Pointing out not everyone could work more hours to make up the shortfall and would also be hit by a National Insurance hike, Lib Dem Munira Wilson called the tories “cruel and callous.” Iceland staff to get Boxing Day off, I got a bit of a crush on possibly the nicest capitalist in the country (but it didn’t last long). Newscast showed a clip of Boris referencing Kermit the Frog. Preaching to the UN it was ‘easy going green’ and: “the world…is not some indestructible toy, some bouncy plastic romper room against which we can hurl ourselves to our heart’s content,” The Bumbler went onto ramble about Sophocles. Was he drunk? John McDonnell said Keir’s 11,000 word essay for the Fabian Society was like a “sermon on the mount written by focus groups.”

Captain Pugwash

Still working on the journal Friday, I rued combining 2 weeks’ worth. At least I managed to finalise holiday photos. The cough gone, Phil masked up to brave an unexpectedly well-stocked co-op for weekend essentials.

Drivers told not to panic as there was no fuel shortage, queues predictably formed at forecourts. Shats looked at options to solve the HGV crisis, including using the army even though they were already drafted to help NHS Scotland and Wales and hinted at a U-turn on ‘essential occupations’ as a short-term solution. An IT failure caused airport delays at e-gates across the UK. Paralympian-turned-Extinction Rebellion protestor James Brown went to jail for supergluing himself to a plane October 2019 and the government sought another High Court injunction as Insulate Britain blocked the Port of Dover. Californian fire-fighters tried to save General Sherman from the Windy Fire, raging for a week in the Sequoia National Forest.

Phil blamed the co-op trip for aches and pains Saturday morning. “Yeah but we’ve got steak!” I went down for breakfast, took coffee back to bed and posted two entries on Cool Placesⁱ. Awful music outside all afternoon sounded like Captain Pugwash on an endless loop. Neither earplugs nor the telly blocking it out, it almost drove me mad! The house a mess , I asked Phil to clean some of it. He manically zipped round the lounge and bathroom, became knackered and needed a rest before cooking the steak dinner.

Sunday starting super-bright, I battled with fatigue and foot pain – now in my instep. A few stretches and a bath helped enough to manage the day out of bed. Taking recycling out, Elderly Neighbour parked up. We discussed cake-baking and his pre-cancerous skin condition. He assured me the nasty-looking red patches on his face were caused by an aggressive chemo-therapy cream which would hopefully clear it by next month. “Fingers crossed for you!” Clouds returned late afternoon. Fearing rain, we changed plans to go to the nearby clough to do the rounds of charity shops. In the large one, we got them to unlock a camera cabinet, mulled over a couple of models, but bought nowt. The centre crowded, I hovered outside the sweet shop while a fat family bought ice-cream and nipped in for cough sweets. We then sat on a quieter riverside stretch. Seeing a flash of orange and blue, I exclaimed: “kingfishers!” Of course, they’d flown off by the time I got my camera out. On the way home, I exchanged cheery greetings with an erstwhile art teacher. No doubt preparing for another Open Studios weekend, it didn’t seem 5 minutes since the last one. Noticing the Christmas tree outside the house looked rather battered due to inconsiderate parking and sported yellow needles, Phil insisted we feed it despite impending rain. I edited kingfisher-free photos and composed a haigaⁱⁱ. Making a frugal roast dinner, Phil re-branded it Brexit Roast.

As expected, temp visas allowed 5,000 HGV drivers (and poultry workers) to come and work in the UK up to 24^th December. Suspension of competition laws let petrol stations share info and target deliveries, letters asked ex-drivers to return and more tests were promised. Drafting in troops still possible, Shats blamed the RHA for the crisis and Useless George blamed motorists panic-buying. But Rachel Reeves indicated the government had ignored warnings from hauliers of what was coming down the road ‘since last year’. Keir told Marr the ‘absolute crisis’ was caused by lack of government planning. Doubting if anyone’d come and work here post-Brexit, Edwin Atema of Dutch union FNV agreed, saying EU workers wouldn’t help us out of our own shit. Other countries also having problems, what was the wider strategy? At the labour party conference in Brighton, Keir was forced to modify plans to give MPs more say in leader elections. The NEC passed the diluted motion leaving Leftists furious. Referring to the tories at a reception for activists, Rayner spluttered: “we cannot get any worse than a bunch of scum, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, absolute vile…banana republic, vile, nasty, Etonian…piece of scum…” Quizzed on her choice of words, she said anger at The Bumbler’s history of derogatory comments, prompted the use of ‘street language’ common in working class Ashton. She later tweeted ‘I’d be happy to sit down with Boris. If he withdraws his comments and apologises I’m happy to apologise to him’.

The murder of young schoolteacher Sabina Nessa in Kidbrooke a week ago Friday, prompted a vigil, a book of condolence and three arrests over the weekend. The third ‘significant arrest’ Sunday saw Koci Selamaj later charged with the crime. Six months after the Sarah Everard tragedy, surveys showed almost all women remained fearful. On Politics North, deputy PCC Alison Lowe said it was ‘not okay’: “toxic masculinity pervades our schools, employment arenas (and) we need to be calling that out.”

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 76 – Selective Truths

“To suggest it was too late to stop the capital falling to the Taliban is not a defence, but a shameful admission of his own failure to act sooner” (Lisa Nandy)

Unpleasant Discoveries

Somewhat better Monday morning, Phil listened out for an expected delivery while I bathed and dressed. Loud rapping signalled its arrival soon after I emerged. The courier whose white van often blocked the street had reason to be in front of our house for once. He indicated the parcel on the step and left. I then found an e-mail from Hermes with a photo attachment of the package, in case I didn’t recognise it obvs! I posted blogs and hung washing out. Grey but fine and breezy, it was a good drying day. Emptying the food recycling, something nasty and unidentifiable required several rinses. On the anniversary of the 1819 massacre, Film 4 showed the movie Peterloo, rather long for a Monday night. We guffawed at the accents throughout. Talk about laying it on thick! It was a good job we weren’t at the pictures.

Additional bribes to get jabs were offered to young people in the form of vouchers from Asda, M&S, holiday companies and leisure centres. Amid mayhem at Kabul airport, people scrambled to leave and 5 died trying to stowaway on a US plane. Ben Wally burst into tears on LBC and Uncle Joe Biden blamed Afghan leaders for giving up. That and other insensitive comments angered Americans. Geronimo the alpaca got a short-lived stay of execution.

In a week of unpleasant discoveries, Tuesday, I fouIn a week of unpleasant discoveries, on Tuesday I found a lump of ice and gunk at the bottom of the fridge. Checking the reservoir at the back, I unearthed a desiccated half-munched banana. In the co-op, I paid for a sizeable shop at the kiosk, chatted to my mate, struggled home slowly and dropped my purse at the front door spilling change all over the pavement. Knackered, I lay down and managed 10 minutes in an almost-slumber, feeling snuggly and warm. Watching evening news, Phil remarked: “so, they’re still doing daily covid stats.” “Yes, they talked about stopping, but here we are.” For dinner, I cooked borscht using wrinkled beetroots. The purple soup looked great but lacked flavour.

Steve Reicher said summer rates weren’t as high as feared because people were being ‘sensible’ but Neil Ferguson predicted a fourth wave in autumn, with 1,000 covid patients per day admitted to hospital. MHRA approved Moderna for 12-17 year olds; JCVI advice was still awaited. A plague vaccine developed in Oxford was trialled on 40 volunteers. One case in NZ led to a 3-day lockdown nationwide, 7 days in Auckland and Coromandel. Jobcentre figures revealed unemployment 4.7% in July, wages up 7.4% and 1 million vacancies. Workers doing long shifts for minimum wage discovered their transferable skills and left. Official Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid held a press conference (he may have kept a low profile thus far but did have a twitter account). Being selective with the truth, he promised amnesty for those who’d worked for the former regime and women the ability to work and study, albeit under ‘sharia’ whatever that meant. While gunmen rolled into Kabul and had fun on the dodgems, Bumbling Boris and Rabid Raab were holidaying. Raab said he’d been taken by surprise, as had people who found him lounging on a Cretan beach. He maintained it didn’t make any difference as he’d liaised with cobra and promised ‘bespoke arrangements’ for Afghans wanting to settle in the UK. The Afghan Citizens Resettlement Scheme was criticised for being too slow.

It later transpired he refused to call foreign minister Harif Almar Friday, delegating the task to a junior minister, who also never rang. On Newsnight, Tom Tughat and Stella Creasy agreed plans were meaningless if the Taliban blocked access to Kabul airport. Not believing a word they said, they accused the Taliban of using fancy words by day and death squads by night to hunt down people who worked for the former regime. The size of the Afghan army grossly over-estimated, they wanted to know where the dollars had gone. In the Panjshir Valley, vice president Amrullah Saleh, the only one who hadn’t scarpered, held out, declared himself ‘legitimate caretaker president’ (technically correct under the constitution) and teamed up with Ahmad Massoud to assemble a counter-attack.

Shameless Acts

Wednesday, we ventured to Halifax. The roads busy, I twisted my ankle on the kerb trying to cross near an illegally parked car. I screamed in agony, felt sick and dizzy and thought I should go home. But after sitting on a low wall and gulping water, the pain eased and I decided to continue. At the station, the train arrived almost immediately. A bit full, we stood near the doors, thankful it was a fast service. I wasn’t surprised to learn passenger numbers on all transport networks had reached post-pandemic highs. We went in a couple of discount stores, waiting in stupidly long queues for a few purchases, before entering the Market Hall. The tall clock provided a splendid focal point. A strange abandoned section hid previously unseen eateries and an unfinished concourse but no seating. We settled on Coletta’s Café for filling fry-ups. Out on Corn Market, Phil commandeered a bench while I nipped in Wilko’s. Not seeing any insect spray, an assistant caught my eye and indicated the gardening section. “No, to spray on me, not the garden.” “Oh a general spray? For clothes? “No! for the body!” Eventually cottoning on, she directed me to a woefully scant selection. Amongst a row of self-service tills only 1 was staffed. As I queued again, the cashier ridiculously wandered off! We spent the rest of the afternoon scanning the town for carvings, plaques and inscriptions on once-grand buildings. Looking for a shortcut through to the Woolshops, we found the route blocked by a hideous new sixth form college. In the precinct, visitors were invited to sit in a giant deckchair and post a snap on Instagram. Phil refused to comply but it inspired my next haigaⁱ. We wandered through the magnificent Piece Hall and into the library, 5 minutes before closing. A librarian suggested we go up a floor for a better view of the rose window and thoughtfully gave me a leaflet on the way out, which I later lost. We squatted on a concrete block near the exit to check return trains. A woman who’d stalked Phil a couple of years back emerged, glanced at me then quickly away. “Don’t look now.” I told Phil. As he caught a glimpse of the back of her head, he chortled: “She my wife!” The slightly delayed train stopped everywhere but was thankfully less full. (For a fuller description, see Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ)

On alighting my ankle really hurt. Phil popped in the co-op while I limped home to examine the damage. I applied freeze spray to the swelling but it did nothing. Phil made coffee and reverted to tiny work. I moaned until he fetched ice cubes wrapped in a flannel to apply. Glad we didn’t have to cook dinner, Phil added extra herbs to improve leftover borscht. At bedtime, I tried to keep the bad ankle elevated on a pillow which worked until I turned over. I used the meditation soundtrack to distract myself from the pain and get some sleep.

The Newquay Boardmaster festival was blamed for Cornwall becoming a covid hotspots. Just Eat orders went up 700% in the first half of the year. A chicken peri-peri shortage caused by staff isolating, EU worker rules and HGV logistics issues, forced Nando’s to shut numerous branches. Nasty Patel announced additional statutory guidance for issuing gun licences; doctors had to tell police of applicant’s ‘relevant medical conditions’. Austin Haddock Mitchel died and a last-ditch High Court bid failure meant Geronimo the alpaca would be put down.

General Sir Nick Carter did the rounds on breakfast telly to advise the Taliban were keeping the streets of Afghanistan calm and safe and we should ‘wait and see’ if they meant what they said. What was he on with his fancy shirt? While ambassador Laurie Bristow said there were mere days left to rescue people, flights left almost empty from a chaotic Kabul airport. In a packed commons, The Bumbler was slated. Ex-PM May asked: “where is global Britain on the streets of Kabul?” She warned Russia and China wouldn’t be blind to the implications of the withdraw decision. Boris insisted there was no choice after the USA left. Announcing an extra £286m in aid he didn’t say who’d get it and wouldn’t be drawn on recognising a Taliban regime. Downing Street later said the situation needed an ‘international unified response’. Tom Tughat called Uncle Joe’s blaming of the Afghan army ‘shameful’. Nick Thomas-Symonds accused Boris and Rabid Raab of a ‘dereliction of duty’ going on holiday and Keir added: “You cannot co-ordinate an international response from the beach.” It subsequently transpired nobody rang the Afghan foreign minister last week, prompting Ian Blackford to call Raab’s position “completely untenable.” The Times later reported the permanent secretaries were simultaneously on leave. Rabid Raab defended not making the phone call, saying it would have been too late because of the ‘rapidly deteriorating situation’. He’d prioritised keeping Kabul airport open and worked ‘tirelessly’ to get people out. Nandy said his comments ‘didn’t stack up’. Amidst a series of pointless cobra meetings, Tobias Ellwood complained of a reactive rather than proactive approach and lack of co-ordination across Whitehall. Calderdale known for taking in refugees, we must have missed BBC news in Halifax speaking to the council leader. He said they’d house Afghans but needed support. On a QT special, panel members all insisted they were right and everyone else was wrong.

I managed 10 minutes exercise Thursday morning, being careful not to put weight on the bad ankle. The pain now more of an ache, it remained inflamed for a few days. A sleepy Phil discovered a lump on the back of his hand resembling a mosquito bite. I prescribed running it under hot water which helped. Sick of metro not downloading on the ipad, I installed it on my phone. The tablet too old to update, I mainly used it to play games but crammed with arty apps, thought I should revisit them before declaring it obsolete. Still unsafe for me to carry the tray down, Phil did the honours and made coffee. I arranged a meeting with the owner of Valley Life and read a project update from the researcher. The now-live blog included an extract of one of my covid dreams and a photo credit under the politics sectionⁱⁱⁱ. I mulled over ideas to send her later. Working on the journal, I developed head fug and went for a rest. As irritating dying alarm noises, going since mid-morning finally stopped, music started up. I put earplugs in and managed a few minutes with my eyes shut.

36,572 new cases, 6,379 in hospital, and 113 deaths hadn’t prompted 2.5m 18-29 year olds to get vaccinated. ONS research found antibodies declined in older age groups, yet JCVI were unlikely to advise boosters for all over 50’s. Astra-Zeneca and Pfizer both effective, Pfizer had a stronger initial immune response against the Delta variant but degraded quicker. DVLA blamed strikes and social distancing for a 10 week wait for licences. A five year old Afghan refugee died when he fell from a window of the Hotel Metropolitan, Sheffield.

Empty Promises

Friday, I donned a support bandage on the stiff ankle before going to the co-op. Phil joined me at the till to help pack and carry, which was just as well as my ankle hurt by then. I posted ‘Light and Dark’ on Cool Places^iv before a siesta. As I read metro on the phone, I joked today’s wallpaper of a tree in the desert resembled one Phil made yesterday of the moor with an incongruous tree, moon and sky. “I was inspired by art in Halifax market. To hell with that highbrow stuff. I’m going for the populist approach.”

The ‘R’ number up to 0.9-1.2, ONS data showed rates still high in the UK and rising in Wales and Northern Ireland. PHE said 55% of those ill with the Delta variant (74% for the under 50’s) hadn’t had a jab and inoculations prevented 24.4 million covid cases, 98,700 deaths and 82,1000 hospitalisations. During 4 weeks on a covid ward, Chris witless found it ‘stark’ how many unvaccinated people were admitted. Over a year since Donald Trump was given monoclonal antibody Ronapreve to cure his covid, it was approved by MHRA. What took so long? Astra-Zeneca said a new ‘antibody cocktail’ for people unable to be vaccinated was 77% effective in reducing the risk of developing symptomatic disease. Gurkhas ended their hunger strike on the 13^th day after promises of government talks.

Saturday morning I could carry a tray upstairs. A door knock interrupted my first morning cuppa. I trudged back down to find Snooty Neighbour on the doorstep. He informed me a van was coming to fetch their piano next Tuesday, ahead of their move to Barnard Castle. Probably showing off, but I appreciated the advance notice. On BBC Breakfast, David Morrisey gave nothing away about Britannia III. We reckoned there was a ban on clips and with no access to Sky Atlantic, it would be some time before we got to see it. Less confident taking the tray downstairs, I left Phil to bring it and made breakfast. Phil tried to get the telly box back on the internet. Discovering it couldn’t be done over wi-fi, he fiddled with wires but the string from the router wasn’t long enough. “We’re gonna need a bigger string.” I took the opportunity to tidy wires under the corner table before Phil cut my hair. I dyed some faded clothes in the machine and applied another coat of aluminium paint to the old cutlery caddy. Phil went to the shop, finding town busy despite nasty showers. Cooking dinner, I had a funny turn. Becoming hot and hardly able to stand, I slumped on a chair and wondered if it was covid. Cooling down but still wobbly, I decided hunger had coincided with a hot flush. We watched films on DVD bought in charity shops last week. An interval to prepare pudding made the evening rather long.

Sunday morning, my ankle didn’t hurt at first but my buttocks did. I must have slept funny. The injury pain returning later, a bandage helped until I stood on Phil’s foot by accident. He yelped in alarm. “That hurt me more than it hurt you!” I assured him. Unable to go walking, I considered gardening when brightness turned to rain. Phil similarly abandoned leaf-hunting plans. More storm warnings Saturday for Northern Ireland and SW England, the predicted move north brought only showers. Depressed at being stuck indoors, I wrote a haiga, draft-posted the journal, put things in Phil’s amazon basket including a long ethernet cable, and rifled through drawers looking for connectors. Not finding any of the right sort, I discovered a bunch of fuzzy batteries. Watching the last episode of The Handmaid’s Tale, I thought a visceral scene signalled the end and turned over when ads appeared. It wasn’t. Apparently, people had complained the series was too grim and violent.

North Yorkshire now without TV for a fortnight, a temporary mast was promised by next weekend but ran into problems with a narky landowner. The government said they’d rescued 4,000 so far from a calmer Kabul airport. Tony Blair called the withdrawal ‘tragic, dangerous and unnecessary’ and ‘a serious mistake’. Saying it wasn’t yet over, he thought Afghanistan still had a chance. Had he forgotten his selective truths dragged us into Middle Eastern wars in the first place? Hailed as braver than the army or government, resisting women made former MP Fawzi Koofi proud. However, fears of a return to repression left many scared to go out let alone protest. Wondering why mainstream media had so far chosen to ignore the Hindu Kush enclave, they reported fighting in Panjshir Valley between the Taliban and former VP.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

iii. Covid Diary Research Project blog: https://www.ruraldiaryproject.uk/

iv. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 58 – Splits and Fits

“There are hazards in everything one does, but there are greater hazards in doing nothing” (Shirley Williams)

Rishi Frit

Another tedious few days bedridden with severe fatigue coincided with the warmest and sunniest week of the year so far. Unable to contact friends or get out of the house, my mood plummeted. But I kept occupied writing until head fug took over, and managed small chores, with Phil’s help.

Kids back at school in all 4 UK nations, the second stage of the ‘waymark’ for England saw hairdressers, beer gardens (some since midnight), and non-essential shops (with extended hours up to 10 p.m.) re-opening as well as zoos, gyms and domestic self-catering. 2 designated visitors were allowed in care homes, and we could go to Wales but would find gyms and pubs shut. On the day that Shirley Williams, famous for splitting from labour as part of the gang of 4 died, an emergency toadying session in the commons fawned over the dead duke. The Bumbler forewent a pint to appear with a haircut. A record number of Covid cases and deaths marked a huge surge in India (177,150 fatalities – the second highest in the world). This didn’t deter people attending the Kumbh Mela festival on the Ganges or Boris from planning a trade mission. Nor did a new ‘variant of concern’. B1.617 bore 2 mutations on the spike protein possibly making vaccines less effective. 77 case were found in Britain. Duante Wright was the latest black person to be killed by US police, 10 miles from the trial of Chauvin in Minnesota. The trigger-happy cop, Kimberley Ann Potter, claimed it was ‘a mistake’; she’d meant to use her taser not her gun. How on earth could she get them mixed up?

As I settled down to sleep, it seemed very quiet for the first pub drinking day since December, when I heard a few people staggering back. Fortunately, they didn’t linger.

Unfortunately, canal engineering works started soon after 8 Tuesday. I tried to ignore the racket and though still very achy and tired, performed a few stretches then had to get back in bed and stayed there all day. Reading at night, I couldn’t keep my eyes open and fell asleep despite continuous droning outside only to wake a few minutes later, when it stopped.

The top 9 priority groups now all offered a jab, 94% of over 50’s and 92% of the clinically vulnerable had one. 45-49 year olds were invited next. The central booking website promptly crashed. Somewhat mitigating the predicted shortage, the Moderna vaccine was rolled out but approval for Janssen was delayed over blood clot concerns. While revellers swarmed in Soho and an 82 year old woman got fined for partying, Boris said immunisation did a great job although coming out of lockdown would inevitably mean more deaths. Universities were told they couldn’t re-start face-to-face teaching until the next waymark of 17^th May; 6 weeks before the end of the academic year – what a waste of time! Sturgeon confirmed freedom to travel and some outdoor mixing for Scotland from Friday. As it emerged the former head of procurement Bill Crothers became a Greensill adviser while still a senior civil servant, Rishi Rich sent junior minister Paul Scully to face the commons to predictably say it was all above board. Rishi was accused of being ‘frit’.

Fits and Starts

Slightly improved Wednesday, I managed 10 minutes exercise and a few small chores. Energy sapped, I got back in bed to write and watch telly. The Bumbler’s’ hair already a mess 2 days since the barbers, PMQs was dominated by the Camoron scandal. After former premier Gordon Brown said ex-PMs shouldn’t lobby for commercial organisations (at least for 5 years), labour called for a full review instead of the wishy-washy inquiry Boris had promised. Led by Nigel Boardman, the same lawyer who advised on loosening lobbying laws, Keir complained it wouldn’t even look at the rules and was indicative of cronyism: “(there is) a revolving door, indeed an open door, between the conservative government and paid lobbying…The Greensill scandal is just the tip of the iceberg…Dodgy contracts, privileged access, jobs for their mates, this is the return of tory sleaze…The more I listen…the more I think Ted Hastings and AC-12 is needed to get to the bottom of this one.” The Bumbler deflected with: “we’re getting on with rooting out bent coppers,” and went on about labour killing the police bill. The Speaker said he should at least answer the question on opposing the labour motion to widen the probe. He refused, but a plethora of enquiries were later announced.

It subsequently emerged Camoron had discussions with the head of NHSX for a Greensill contract to provide a dodgy app allowing access to patients’ personal details. And mainstream news eventually picked up on another cronyism story revealed by Guido Fawkes. Topwood Limited, in which The Cock owned 15% of shares and his sister Emily Gilruth and mum Shirley Carter (off Eastenders) happened to run, was on the framework for NHS contracts. They were contracted by NHS Wales to shred documents.

Referring to Boris asking the Supreme Court to see if Holyrood went beyond its powers by incorporating the UN convention on the Rights of the Child and the European Charter of local self-government into Scottish law, Ian Blackford had a fit over plans to take them to court over children’s rights.

So-called ‘quiet time’ severely hampered by noisy canal works and pissed off being stuck indoors during gorgeous weather, I cheered up with a laugh over people’s excitement at going out drinking and barbecuing. I suggested Phil go and “sizzle a sausage. Or better yet, nick one someone else has sizzled. You could be the barbecue bandit!”

The Kent Virus was found to spread more but not be more severe or lead to more long Covid. Prof Harnden of JCVI warned: “…we all want to enjoy ourselves again, but we must be cautious and do this slowly. Otherwise we’ll get back to square one.” The Oxford Vaccine Group started trials using different vaccines for first and second doses. Open to anyone over 50 who’d had a first jab and willing to travel to a regional site, Phil looked set to go until it transpired he’d have to go to Hull.

Too wobbly for exercise Thursday morning, I made a big effort to bathe and expunge dust from the bedroom before working on my novel for the first time in months. I did quite well until I had to stop with head fug. Depression deepening at missing the sunshine, I consoled myself that at least I wasn’t mingling with face-lickers in beer gardens!

As SA surge testing started in the London areas of Lambeth, Wandsworth, Southwark and Finchley, Gethin Jones isolated at home and appeared via zoom on Morning Live from a very nice kitchen. With 4000,000 Covid victims hospitalised last year, the NHS waiting list stood at 4.7m but 2m had been treated during the ‘winter wave’. DHSC consulted on mandatory vaccines for elderly care home staff, while the EHRC said Covid Passes had the “potential for discrimination, or for infringement of civil liberties…and the creation of a 2 tier society whereby only certain groups are able to fully enjoy their rights.”

Sweden had the second highest infection rate in Europe but lower death rates (1.7 compared to the Euro average of 4.3 per day). Citing the vaccine barrier, I reflected hardly any Europeans had had one. Carolyn Harris brought forward a bill to force an MP vote on the NHS 1% wage rise and Lord Frost went to Brussels to talk about NI border checks – I wished them both lots of luck!

The QT panel were asked ‘should lobbying be illegal?’ Labour MP Rosie Duffield said it had its uses, Bernard Jenkins didn’t defend fellow tories, saying later in the week the scandal risked dismantling the ‘blue wall’. An erstwhile civil servant in the audience reminded us of The Nolan Committee’s Standards in Public Life. In her day, she was scared to have a cuppa and a biscuit when visiting companies. Now, businessmen who didn’t understand the culture were parachuted in. In any other profession, they’d be sacked. Self-styled right-wing comedian Geoff Norcott admitted he ‘held his nose’ when voting conservative. So why did you, I asked on twitter, to no reply. It was time he split from his misguided working class tory mates!

Awful droning (which I decided was a generator) presaged another terrible night. Trying various distraction techniques, I eventually dropped into a fitful sleep with an earplug in one ear and the meditation soundtrack in the other.

Hissy Fits

Feeling dreadful after hardly any kip, I forced myself to rouse Friday morning and removed the earplug when the horrendous noise started up again! My head set to split, I burst into tears: “I can’t stand it anymore! I’m hardly getting any sleep with that that din. It’s ruining my life!” At a loss what to do, Phil suggested a cuppa would help. “Yes, it might!” I retorted more sharply than necessary and hid under the covers. More fatigued and depressed than ever, I made a big effort to get washed and half-dressed before picking up the laptop. Despite the racket, we opened the bedroom window to let the fresh spring air in.

7 reviews into the Camoron affair imminent, I googled news sites, becoming confused at their similar remits.*

Venturing downstairs for lunch, Phil gave me a big hug and advised I sit out in the sun. “I can’t face having to interact with anybody. If we had a private garden, I would.” I stayed in the living room awhile then went back up, cleaned the bathroom and collapsed on the bed with exhaustion while he went to the co-op. Having ceased earlier in the afternoon, the loud works recommenced as my head hit the pillow. During evening telly, we guffawed at an ad where a woman appeared to jump on piles of landfill. “If we set up a website called landfill.com, would people still buy plastic crap they didn’t need?” “Yes! “Let’s do it”

With 1.6m cases per week, the WHO said there’d been 1m Covid deaths in Europe, but were cut by 30% among the over 80’s because of vaccines. The R rate down to 0.7-1, the ONS estimated the virus affected 1:480 people in England; the lowest since September. It decreased even more in the other 3 UK nations.

I fell asleep quickly that night only to wake a couple of hours later, assailed by various disturbances. To top it all, the engineering works kicked off at 8 o’clock Saturday morning I tossed and turned with both ears plugged but it was useless. Two nights of hardly any sleep did nothing to improve my fatigue or mood. Sunny and warm again, by the time we’d bathed and breakfasted half the day was gone. Phil declared he was going out. Knowing I’d be even more depressed indoors on my own, I strove to make myself presentable and headed out with him. A flimsy barrier topped with flowers outside the flats – presumably a sop by the developers to the unrelenting hissy fits of the local action group – looked pathetic.

We took the picturesque route to the small clough to find makeshift firepits in new clearings, delicate flowers and fungi in various states of decay, providing inspiration for my weekly haiga.ⁱ A woman sat on a bench reading. Chatting as we past, I suddenly realised we were disturbing the peace and shut up for a while. Tiny fish shone in the low waters. Birds flitted in treetops and dipped in the waterfall. A small heap of stones seemingly marked the grave of a small animal (a beloved pet or a wood dweller?) A small patch of wild garlic exuded pungency. “I’ll just pick a bit for tonight’s curry.” “You sound like a right Guardianista!” Phil giggled.

The change of scenery prompted us to reflect on the state of things. Less anxious a month after our first jabs, I wanted assurance on the reduced risk of severe Covid. Phil explained the maths. I couldn’t follow it all but got the gist. Nevertheless, as we walked home, the sight of swarms on the opposite side of the old bridge made me glad we’d avoided the town centre. Seating sprawled from a new cocktail bar along the pedestrianised street to accommodate drinking hordes. Far too busy for my liking!

Expecting respite that night, the generator kicked in at 2.30 a.m. With the help of earplugs and because I was dead tired, I slept regardless. Sunday morning, buzzing of a different kind emanated from behind the bedroom curtains. Unable to see what it was, I kept them drawn. Phil investigated to find a bee. Of course, it obediently went outside straight away due to his ‘bee whispering’ skills! Useless George appeared on the Marr to defend Camoron. Politics North provided details on the powers of the West Yorks metro mayor whom we’d be voting for in May. “It could be quite good as long as they’re not from Leeds and forget about the rest of the county. There’ll be stiff e-mails about local buses!” I predicted.

Unsure what to do on a bright but hazy day, I opted for DIY. The paint I applied a year ago to a bathroom storage cube was already flaking off and I decided to top it with tiles. It took an hour to rummage in the coal hole for the materials and equipment, strip the flaky paint and resurrect solidified tile adhesive, before the fun bit of sticking the tiles on which took 5 minutes. Phil went to town for baccy and returned with yet another camera from the charity shop. Back in time to help mix the adhesive, I shooed him away from usurping my project to play music. Cleaning up afterwards took almost as long as the prep. Feeling grimy I went up early for a bath. Phil came up after watching footie with news of a Euro super league, set to become a big story over the next few days.

Crowded pubs over the weekend incredulously led to debate on whether youngsters should be offered jabs in preference to older folk. Reportedly only 23% of hospitality was open, as eateries struggled with outside seating, even though councils allowed tables to straddle pavements and even streets. Witnessed in our small town, Leeds and Soho took it to ludicrous levels, judging by media images. As Oxford university were starting a second ‘human challenge’ trial on young people, I suggested they could just send them to the pub! The Events Research Programme (ERP) trialled spectators at the boring snooker and FA cup semi-finals. In France, only 1.25% of cops and teachers took up the offer of an AZ vaccine. A centre planned to be open all weekend, shut 1 p.m. Saturday due to lack of takers. Macron was blamed for his irresponsible comments and urged to launch a publicity campaign to boost take-up.

Settling down that night, the droning recommenced. Even the earplugs and meditation soundtrack combo failed to block it out allowing only a few fractious hours’ sleep.

*The 7 reviews and inquiries sparked by the Camoron lobbying scandal, as far as I could tell:

Boardman inquiry- so-called independent inquiry into the role of Lex Greensill as an adviser, use of supply chain finance and lobbying efforts of Greensill. May also investigate how Bill Crothers could work for Greensill while still a civil servant
Treasury Select Committee – ‘on the regulatory lessons from the failure of Greensill Capital and the appropriateness of HM Treasury’s response to lobbying …’
-Public Admin and Constitutional Affairs Committee (PACAQ) – into ‘the topical matters around Greensill’. A focus on lobbying regulations and civil service rules. Dubbed ‘The AC-12 of Whitehall’
Public Accounts Committee – into supply chain financing and how Covid loans were offered to companies
Committee on Standards in Public Life – into the ‘the institutions, procedures and policies in place to uphold high standards of conduct’. Likely to propose policy changes
Cabinet Office review of the Lobbying Act
Simon Case double jobs review – all senior civil servants to declare outside jobs/roles that may conflict with their work.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 54 – Have Vax, Don’t Travel

“I squarely believe we ought to be trading liberally around the world. If we restrict it to countries with ECHR-level standards of human rights, we’re not going to do many trade deals with the growth markets of the future” (Dominic Raab)

Dodgy Manoeuvres

After posting blogs Monday, I read updates from the researcher explaining why she’d been quiet lately. I offered to provide a guest post for her blog and reiterated a willingness to be interviewed. I started drafting the next instalment of the journal when the window cleaner rapped loudly at the door. On sitting back down, we were disturbed again; by texts from our GP surgery, offering more local vaccine appointments. Booking for 2 days hence, I cancelled my slot at the regional centre (not as easy as you’d think) but how did they know I wasn’t double-booked? A trip to the co-op involved dodging loitering teenagers near the entrance and an uncomfortably close hippy. Phil cleaned the living room while I was out. After sorting groceries, I collapsed gratefully on a freshened sofa.

Cases of the SA variant led to surge testing in the London areas of Camberwell, Southwark and Harrow. A suspected link to blood clots found in Norway, the list of countries suspending use of AZ grew to an epidemic from Denmark to Thailand. The WHO, EMA and MHRA all assured us there was no connection. Prof. Pollard said: “if we have no vaccination and we come out of lockdown in this country, we will expect tens of thousands of more deaths…a number of countries around Europe are now seeing an increase in cases.” One year on from the start of the pandemic, MP’s reported the government didn’t act early enough – no shit Sherlock! A record 74 protestors were killed in Myanmar while here, a second demo aimed at The Met took place at Parliament Square but Boris backed Chief Dick. The Crime and Justice Taskforce promised an extra £20m for street lighting and CCTV. The Police Bill* giving more powers to cops to stop protests due in parliament. Labour planned to oppose it for being ‘poorly thought out’ and containing lots on statues and hardly anything on protecting women. Rape cases not tried on merit, the court of appeal defended the ‘bookie’ system.

The EU instigated formal legal action over the UK’s ‘grace period’ decision. As a letter to government complained allowing shops to open before hospitality was unfair, Phil discovered pubs were fully booked from 12^th April indoors and 17^th May outdoors for up to 10 weeks. Puzzled, I pointed out “by then it will be August and they should all be open anyway, if there aren’t any blocks in the stupid road map. And how do punters know if they’ll need a Covid Pass or not?”

Overnight, I fretted over our pending jabs and possible blood clots. A chat with Phil Tuesday morning dispelled some anxiety. “The EU have blown it totally out of proportion – nowt to do with Brexit!” A couple of days later, the EMA confirmed there was no link between AZ and thrombosis. But the questionably political manoeuvres had already done damage to Europe’s vaccine plans.

A rainy night led to a grey start, becoming warm and sunny later. After a series of morning chores and tedious life admin, I took advantage of the lovely afternoon to clear dead growth from the garden, surrounded by the sounds of tweety birds as flocks of crows flew over. Decorating neighbour wandered up and down the street, complaining of bad parking and his broken down car. “The geese are coming,” he intoned, “I’ve just seen them on the corner.” “They do like having a wander,” I replied, “even the Canada Geese are doing it now.” “Yes, I’ve noticed that. They’re very tasty. I had one in Canada.” “Well, there’s nothing to stop you eating these ones.” As he looked bemused, I assured him it was perfectly legal. The elderly couple embarked on an afternoon stroll, pausing to compare health notes. I informed them Phil was photographing birds at the riverside to add to his current project but he could have stayed home for that. Sweeping up detritus, I thought I’d dodged dog poo but irritatingly got some on my shoes. By the time I’d cleaned it off, I was exhausted and slumped on the sofa.

On the anniversary of the first daily plague briefing, a survey found half the population still didn’t wash their hands after going shopping and disgustingly more bacteria on kettle handles, remote controls and door knobs than on toilets! Despite profit losses, Greggs still planned to open 100 new shops, ‘entering empty spaces with low rent’; I.e., capitalising on the demise of rival high street traders.

An inquest into the actual cause of Sarah Everard’s death would open on Thursday and Wayne Couzens’ court date was set for October. Prince Philip emerged from a month in hospital, resembling Monty Burns from The Simpsons.

A year-long study culminating in the ‘most comprehensive’ (and possibly the most long-windedly titled) defence review since the cold war, was presented in the commons. The ‘Integrated Review of Security, Defence, Development and Foreign Policy’ shifted focus to the Indo-Pacific region as ‘increasingly the geopolitical centre of the world’, muted an increase in nuclear warheads, a cyber force move to the North West (likely the shiny GCHQ building in Manchester) and a counter-terrorism operations centre – asserting the main threats were from Islamist, Northern Irish, far-right, far-left and anarchist terrorists. A lifetime since the Angry Brigades, I wondered did they mean the anti-5g-ers? I knew no anarchists who bought into that nonsense but thinking back to my youth, there were conspiracy-theorists in the mix who ironically failed to grasp the basic concept of the capitalist conspiracy.

Lightning Speed

I set the alarm for 8.00 a.m. Wednesday but woke at 8.20 to the drone of canal work. The radio volume too low, I was glad of the interminable workmen for once! We left the house in good time and laughed at temperamental geese on the church lawn behind the bus-stop. In the next town, we scooted round the market and scoffed pasties from the bakers stall. 2 people loitered outside a locked health centre. Nipping in Boots for emergency mouthwash, I waited ages to be served as the staff were all gassing. Coming out, I found an actual queue. Phil in the middle of the carpark on his phone, hadn’t saved a place. It took a couple of minutes for people to cotton on when the centre’s doors opened at 1 o’clock, but the process soon sped up. Our appointments a ½ hour apart, reception let us proceed together, to wait on adjacent coloured lines. In the small room, an HCA checked my details until the doctor arrived. I told her I was unnerved by the blood clot scare. She mouthed platitudes, fired out some questions then snapped: “are you having it or what?” “Well, I’m here now.” After the lightning-quick injection, I followed lines to the back door, waiting in a patch of sun while Phil donned his layers. “I feel odd,” he said, “but it might be psychological.” “Me too.” I remarked: “the injection is so speedy you could jab people without them knowing. And the needle is too tiny for a chip.” He giggled at the idea of going round stabbing hippies. “The latest claim is it contains water.” “What’s the point of that?” “To kill gammons.” “Thousands would be dead already if that was true.” In Lidl, Phil started to feel worse so we headed over to the bus-stop. I was thankful for my face-covering on the bus where a mask-less, reeking man dropped his butty on the floor, picked it up and ate it – ugh!

Shopping sorted, we had a cuppa and sugary snack to make up for lack of a lolly (or sticker, for that matter). Dozing on the sofa, I was unsure if the fatigue was a side-effect of AZ or from the trip which would tire me anyway. Cleaning the bathroom, I discovered the back window covered in black mould, only a year since I decorated! Phil struggled to eat dinner, feeling nauseous and spaced out. I said “it’s a common side effect to have a touch of the flu.” Although it was only the first dose and would be a while until protection kicked in, I felt psychologically better but the jabbed arm ached at bed-time. I took ibuprofen and shifted around to prevent putting pressure on it.

Our efforts added to a total of 25m inoculations to date. Rabid Raab gave the plague briefing to warn of reduced supplies until the end April and no new appointments after 31^st March. Phil worried we wouldn’t get our second one. “I’m sure they’ll have factored that in.” Adolf Von De Leyen again threatened to block exports to countries with higher coverage rates than the EU, i.e., the UK. Hazarding that may be the cause of the shortage, the official line was a batch ordered from an AZ factory in India wasn’t coming. The Scumbag appeared before the S&T committee to claim the mess at the start of the pandemic was because DHSC was a ‘smoking ruin’. He took credit for the vaccine success as along with Prof. Valance, he’d urged Boris to take it out of the hands of civil servants (whom he hated) and set up a separate Taskforce. All hail Dominic! (sic). Downing Street defended the DHSC for establishing ‘one of the biggest diagnostic networks in UK history’ and procurement efforts. It was hard to determine who told the worst whoppers. Referring to Aria (Advanced Research and Invention Agency) with a £800m budget to invest in ‘high risk, high reward’ projects, The Scumbag said it needed ‘extreme freedom’ to act with no ‘horrific bureaucracy’ of procurement or Treasury rules. Not to mention it would mean his mates could get more dosh! Nasty Patel’s proposal to send asylum seekers awaiting a decision offshore was branded heartless and inhumane. Processing centres muted on the IOM, IOW and Gibraltar, they said no way, but allegedly Turkey agreed to it. Liverpudlians celebrated St. Patricks Day with an illegal bash in Sefton Park.

Although recording misogyny as a hate crime was a welcome move, the £45m for Project Vigilante to keep women safe in bars was derided by Jess Philips as cops ‘in skinny jeans’ Reclaim These Streets said it didn’t tackle ‘institutional problems of misogyny and racism’. While the European Commission discussed their Covid pass, P&O would require confirmation of 2 jabs from patrons. Sailing round the UK coast with no ports of call, it really was a Brexit Island cruise! They could at least make stops at interesting docks like Goole and Tilbury. Uber announced all employees would get the minimum wage, holiday pay and pensions. Mick Rix, GMB said it: “…opens the door for…better pay and conditions at companies across the gig economy.” But the TUC wanted it to go further; without full employment rights, there wasn’t parity.

Waking at 8 on Thursday, I railed ‘why didn’t that happen yesterday?’ I completed the 2021 census on-line. Postponed in Scotland until 2022, it seemed an odd time to do it. Allegedly used to plan public services, with everyone working at home, they’d probably conclude we didn’t need any. Prof. Danny Dorling of Oxford University said it would show up inequalities made stark by the pandemic. After lunch, I went to the co-op and managed not to get stressed despite half-empty shelves and screeching kids. On the way back I came across German Friend hoovering her car and stopped to chat. Vaccinated last week, she also suffered an achy arm. Classed vulnerable, she’d indignantly rang the GP to complain of not having it sooner and to get a local appointment. She told me a mutual friend was doing well a year after a serious operation and the friend’s daughter enjoyed her new job as assistant manager at a new supermarket in the next town. Telling me she met up with a couple of pub mates weekly, I took a breath before asking “are you a bubble?” “Sort of. Well, we’re all elderly.” “Piss off! You’re the same age as me!” We shared gripes on the travails in Europe affecting relatives, coffee-cuppers, conspiracy-theorists and tourists infesting the place. Taking my leave, shed boy and lass hovered on their doorstep. I gave them a wide berth. Still ailing, Phil took an extended siesta but had more of an appetite at dinner.

2 days previously, Huff post reported on a leaked q&a session with FCDO staff, wherein Rabid Raab suggested trade deals were more important than human rights (see quote above). Lisa Nandy said “it is the latest example of a government entirely devoid of a moral compass and riddled with inconsistency; happy to say one thing in public and another behind closed doors” In the commons, Rees-Moggy claimed the comments had been “shockingly distorted by low-quality journalism.” Huff Post called it a blatant use of parliamentary privilege, defaming the journalist who was unable to sue.

No stranger to libel cases, Ian Hislop said on QT that the EU’s stance on vaccine nationalism was ‘embarrassing’ for remainers like him and Jess Philips was flummoxed by actions that endangered their own people. On tackling violence against women, Minister for Safeguarding Thicky Atkins recited a list of crappy measures to which Jess Philips replied you couldn’t just have one meeting and say it was sorted, and she could have told them what to do 10 years ago. Hislop observed we’d never again believe it when the government told us there’s no money: “why can’t we have it all?” Discussing the defence review, Ian and Jess found it a strange time to increase stockpiles of WMD when the biggest threat was cyber. As a Scot living near Faslane, Kirsten Oswald, SNP, was not happy. Thicky Atkins hilariously replied hi-tech work also took place but we didn’t know about the cyber force because they ‘work in secret.’ Splutter!

Monochrome Walk

Doing exercises Friday morning I skipped those with too much arm movement. Phil still experienced flu-like symptoms but bravely soldiered on. I spent the morning on the computer and headed to town in the afternoon. Stopping on the steps to take photos of daffodils, I checked nobody was coming up but didn’t spot a woman patiently wating at the bottom. I apologised but she assured me it was no bother. Hurrying down to the junction, a couple rounding the corner looked like they were about to speak to me. I hesitated not wanting to get close, when they indicated carrier bags I’d dropped in my haste. Across the road, a crocodile of small kids streamed out of school. In Boots to collect an order, I swerved a meandering couple and retreated to the windowfront to decant the delivery. A member of staff helpfully took the box away for me. I rushed through a busy square and detoured across the less-populous old bridge to find dinky narcissi nestled at the bottom of a stone wall. Trying to rest later, shed boy annoyingly conversed loudly outside for a full 10 minutes before getting in his car. In the evening, I had a funny turn. Sudden pains and a hot arm sent me into a panic. I told myself it was a hot flush, then felt really spacey. As my heart rate increased, I tried to calm down with steady breathing. Phil assured me I’d be fine. I was, but still perturbed, I speculated on anti-bodies kicking in.

In the midst of a third wave, European countries went into lockdown including Poland and Italy, but some re-started use of AZ, including French PM Jean Castex. Prof. Pollard called it: “…reassuring…we’re not really in a battle with each other or the vaccine, we’re battling a ruthless killer that within the European Union has killed 6000,000 people in the past year.” Excess deaths among over 65’s up 7.7% in 2020, the UK was second only to Bulgaria. PHE research found travel corridors were to blame for rate rises late summer. Prof. Ferguson said the SA variant needed to be kept at bay and would be the focus of modified vaccines next winter while Oliver Dowdy hinted at Covid Passes for events with big crowds such as the FA cup final.

Saturday marked the spring solstice but was cold and grey. I cooked and attempted another creation in Photoshop. Phil went to the shop, to see the contents of the hippy co-op pub drinking tinnies on the riverside among the coffee-cuppers. He also came across an old friend, looking healthy since losing a lot of weight. She’d also had the vaccine but was hesitant about attending the local club’s re-opening night in May. “I don’t blame her. I might never go there again!””

26m, half the adult UK population, now had one dose of vaccine. Amidst ‘legal uncertainty’ creating a fiasco at the Sarah Everard vigil, 60 MPs wrote a letter about the right to protest. The government insisted it was illegal but would be allowed from 29^th March as ‘small gatherings’. Mike Tildsley warned foreign summer holidays were still unlikely as Grant Shats told us they’d decide at a Global Travel Taskforce in April.

We consulted world maps to locate the highest number of vaccinations (Israel, UEA, UK, Serbia, with the USA catching up) and the lowest infection rates (NZ, Australia, and most dot islands apart from the Virgin Islands – remember that?) Commercial breaks full of holiday ads, I said “for Australia fair enough, but Turkey!!! Rates are going up and only yesterday, we were told going there this summer is unlikely. Jet2 and Turkish Airlines should be banned for encouraging and misleading people.”

Starting bright, Sunday soon reverted to grey. In need of fresh air, we walked west on the renewed towpath to the basin. My attempts to emulate Phil’s geese portraits were hit and miss but I got a few decent shots of flowers, reflections, barge features and small streets. A sheep’s head adorned by a pentagram inspired my next haigaⁱ while a monochrome terrace got a record number of likes on Instagram. Returning partly on roadway, I popped in the co-op where my mate at the kiosk whinged about ‘bloody tourists’.

On the Marr, Defence Sec Ben Wally said he hadn’t booked a holiday this year. He wouldn’t comment much on the defence ‘command paper’ before publication but claimed people voted for an increase in nuclear warheads. Err, no we didn’t! Asked about a surveillance ship being built to protect undersea cables, we speculated they could be used to find mines dumped in the sea after WW2, before building the bridge to Northern Ireland.

A peaceful Kill the Bill demo in Bristol turned violent. Cop shops were besieged, vans set alight, 20 bobbies injured and 7 protestors arrested. Nasty Patel called it “Thuggery” while the mayor said it didn’t represent the city.

* Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 52 – Balancing Act

“Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine. I’m begging of you please don’t hesitate. Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine. Because once you’re dead then it’s a bit too late” (Dolly Parton)

A Game of Percentages

My sleep was disturbed Monday morning by a racket emanating from waste ground near the canal. The workmen barely discernible beneath cold, grey fog, it seemed the recent spring-like feel was a blip. Phil made porridge. It subsequently took half an hour to wash up. Recovering with coffee, I posted blogs and worked on the next chapter of the journal. Unable to rest in the afternoon, I considered if random birthday gifts stashed under the bed were adequate. Inadequate exercise and repose prompted me to do some late yoga, as recommended by the latest research suggesting light to moderate activity an hour before bedtime. It definitely helped with relaxation and kip.

Hospital admissions for Covid among the over 80’s fell by 80%. The PA news agency reported falling infection rates across the 4 UK nations although by less in England. Boris insisted we had “one of the toughest border regimes anywhere in the world.” Keir disagreed: “(we hadn’t) secured our borders in the way we should have…it demonstrates the slowness of the government to close off even the major routes…(and) unwillingness to confront the fact that the virus doesn’t travel by direct flights.” Yvette Coop added: “These cases…arrived a month after the Brazil variant was first identified and we were raising with the government the need for stronger action.” Large queues at Heathrow made me wonder: ‘if it’s like this with travel restrictions, what will it be like in May when holidays are allowed?’ While the EU discussed a ‘digital green passport’, the DoT wanted a common approach. The Restaurant Group were ‘burning through’ £5.5m per month but ‘strong trading’ for take-away deliveries hiked share prices. Northern-based restaurant chain Tomahawk Steakhouse asked workers to loan them 10% of their furlough monies. Was that even legal? GMB regional sec Neil Derrick said: “It’s never been easier or cheaper for businesses to borrow money…but (they) want it for free and they have solved their cash flow problem by giving a cash flow problem to their staff.” A week later, Tomahawk gave the dosh back. Derrick maintained that wouldn’t have happened without attention being brought to the matter.

In the first public sighting since her house arrest, Ang San Suu Kyi appeared in a Myanmar court via video link to have 2 more trumped up charges added to those already levied. Meanwhile, a meteor was seen whizzing over Barnsley and landed somewhere in Gloucestershire.

Although more rested on Tuesday, I suffered achiness and a sore throat. Ignoring it, I submitted my article to Valley Life Magazineⁱⁱ and worked on the journal before going to the co-op. A sizeable shop proved rather stressful with screeching kids and dithering hikers impeding the aisles. One hit me with his bag as he reached into an adjacent cold cabinet – accidentally on purpose? I took a deep breath and contained my annoyance. Cowbag staffed the only open till but we exchanged pleasantries rather than bickering. Back home, I hid perishable treats and instructed Phil not to nosy around in the kitchen. He’d cleaned the cooker and floor while I was out which was nice, especially as he’d had an awful day work-wise and had to reset the internet. Powerless to help, I made sympathetic noises. The Marcella double-bill finale annoyingly split by ITV news, meant forgoing pre-bed yoga and I awoke several times during an odd night.

UK deaths from the virus halved every day and decreased by 25% in the past week- the lowest since January. As the P1 variant mystery search was narrowed to 379 households in South East England, studies revealed 25%- 61% of Manaus residents were susceptible to re-infection. Sharon Peacock, Cog-UK, said it was now found in 25 countries but couldn’t speculate on how it would ‘pan out’ and focus was still on the prevalent Kent Virus. PHE real-world data on the effectiveness of the AZ and Pfizer vaccines showed they provided 60% protection in the over 70’s with 80% less hospitalisations in the over 80’s. Andrew Pollard of Ox Vax proclaimed it ‘stunning’ and a wake-up call for Europe: “it shows how critical it is to improve public confidence across the continent about the vaccines.”

Rishi Rich reportedly worked 24/7, spoke to the queen and made his own promotional video in the budget run-up. Previews included a public sector debt of £2.1 trillion and an extension of furlough to 30^th September (but with larger employer contributions). The CBI said it would “keep millions more in work and let businesses catch their breath as we carefully exit lockdown.” Shadow Treasury Sec Bridget Phillipson countered: “announcing this the night before shows the focus on Rishi Sunak getting his moment in the sun rather than protecting jobs and livelihoods.” Jon Ashworth tweeted ‘The ego has landed’.

Weighing Things Up

Rishi’s Balancing Act (Cartoon by Guy Venables)

Wednesday morning, I adapted an Australian chocolate fruit cake recipe for Phil’s birthday. With all the measuring and weighing it took a full hour to get it in the oven. While it was baking, we watched events in parliament. On the anniversary of the government publishing a 27-page document insisting the UK was ‘well prepared’ for the pandemic, only to announce lockdown 3 weeks later, Keir started PMQs by asking why the UK sold arms to Saudi and slashed aid to Yemen by half. In a tory backlash, Jeremy C**t called it ”incredibly disappointing,” and Andrew Mitchell said it was “a strategic mistake with deadly consequences.” UN Sec Gen Guterres declared the cut a “death sentence” for hungry children amidst possibly the worst humanitarian crisis ever.

The budget presentation ensued. Rishi dished it out with an additional £65bn for Covid measures, £150m for a community fund (to help locals buy their local), extension of furlough as expected and characteristically complicated help for the self-employed. The UC uplift would stay for 6 months and the living wage increase to £8.91. Apprenticeship employer incentives rose to £3,000 and new re-start grants for businesses came in April. The business rate holiday would end in June, then be discounted by 60% to the end of the fiscal year. Similarly, the 5% VAT rate would stay until September and then be 12.5% for the next 6 months. Stamp duty changes were extended and big lenders confirmed they’d offer loans under the mortgage guarantee scheme.

Commitment to green growth included a ‘green bond’ and investment in offshore wind. Regional growth plans involved more funding for devolved administrations, an infrastructure bank in Leeds, a northern ‘economic campus’ (i.e., Treasury office), and port infrastructure in Teesside and Humberside. 8 freeports with favourable tax and duty rates would be created: East Midlands airport, Felixstowe & Harwich, The Humber (Goole), Liverpool, Plymouth Solent, Thames, and Teesside (Redcar).

Good to see money spent on the north for once, there was a definite ‘blue wall’ bias. Leeds was dismissed as the location of the Treasury office in favour of Darlington (near to Rishi’s Richmond patch), freeports weren’t evenly spread and of the £1bn new ‘town deal’ areas, 40 out of 45 had tory MPs. Only 3 of the constituencies covered voted remain in the Brexit referendum.

Other schemes to boost productivity and growth included a retail savings bond, management training, visa reforms to attract scientific and tech migrants, and free digital training and new software discounts for SMEs. The ambition to be a ‘scientific super-power’ was ‘not hubristic, but realistic’, he claimed, as demonstrated by the success of vaccine roll-out. Was the extra £1.6 bn to continue this and to ‘improve future preparedness’ part of the £65bn? What was the rest for?

Counting The Cost

Reeling off the biggest borrowing figures since WW2, the chancellor warned they’d continue to be high before falling, and Interest rates may not stay low. Thus he planned to achieve ‘sustainable public finances’ and not borrow to pay for everyday spending but invest in capital projects. Anticipated tax rises took the form of a freeze on personal tax thresholds in 2022 and a hike in corporation tax to 25% in 2023. There would be a smaller profits rate of 19% for SMEs, tapers above £50,000 and a business tax ‘super-deduction’ for re-investment, to boost jobs and economic recovery.

He didn’t mention a card swipe limit rise to £100, and while there was no tax hike on fuel, beer or baccy, air passenger duty for long-haul flights would increase. More significantly, he failed to draw attention to a lack of extra money for schools or a cut in NHS and social care funding. Responding that it wasn’t a budget for ordinary people, Labour cited an ‘astonishing’ £30.1bn cut in day-to day DOHSC spending ‘buried in the small print’. Keir said it papered “over the cracks” rather than rebuilding the economy and Rishi totally ignored public sector workers while indulging in social media gimmicks at tax-payers’ expense. Disregarding a waiting list backlog, Ministers countered they’d put tons of money in during the pandemic. Boris justified a derisory 1% pay increase for NHS staff by saying most carers worked in the private sector and were covered by the increase in the living wage – splutter!

Head spinning with arithmetic, I got stuck into cleaning. In spite of mental and physical exhaustion, I had a terrible night. Unable to settle, I wanted to try a BBC Headroom soundtrack but required to sign in, I had no chance of remembering the password at 1.40 a.m. I used the meditation soundtrack, and fell in and out of broken sleep. Phil also struggled and dreamt he went in a rocket. Thankfully, it wasn’t the evil Musk’s Space X Starship 10 which hilariously blew up on landing later in the week!

In other news, Sturgeon told Scots she’d consider accelerating exit from lockdown, but criteria for moving down the levels would tighten from late April. Builder Taylor Wimpey pledged £125m to replace dangerous cladding and conduct fire safety work on properties constructed within the last 20 years, including blocks under 59ft tall excluded from the government fund

Achy again on Thursday, I performed morning exercise before turning to writing. Attempting to solve the ‘blue sandstone’ mystery from the last walk, I researched geological maps but they all cost money – bloody geologists! I set off to spend a small fortune on Phil’s favourite meaty treats from the butchers, and a bit less on a last-minute gift from the chemist. He was upstairs on my return so I could hide purchases unseen. Deciding it was enough presents, I wrapped them before attempting a siesta, to be disturbed by a noisy generator on the waste-ground leaving me tired and stressed. Phil said: “You don’t have to do all that stuff for my birthday.” “I know, but I feel I should, to make up for not going anywhere.” He tittered.

An ONS survey suggested 48% of over 80’s who’d had a jab broke lockdown rules by meeting someone outside of their family or bubble. The MHRA were given permission to fast-track vaccine approval to deal with mutants. As France, Belgium, Italy and Germany approved AZ for the over 65’s, a German doctor offered Phil a spare via social media. “Beware of drugs dished out on Facebook!” Biden said there was enough vaccine for all American adults to be injected by May, and Dolly Parton sang to the tune of Jolene while having hers (see above).

On QT, business minister Kwasi Kwarteng more or less said ‘ never mind the mistakes, we have the vaccines’ and justified the dearth of public sector pay rises by saying the private sector was badly hit by the pandemic. It would have been even worse if the carers and key workers hadn’t stepped up, you wanker! Entrepreneur Theo Paphitis called Tit ‘appalling’ and Labour’s Lisa Nandy exclaimed “not learnt the lessons” a lot.

Friday, I went a bit mad decorating the cake. The cooking chocolate failed to melt properly. I turned it into lumpy frosting and hid the mess with a melange of crystallized ginger, nut flakes, chocolate bits and candles. I checked the proof from Valley Life, wrote ‘turning seasons’ for Cool Places and got the co-op’s freezer deal for a birthday eve carb-fest. Printing the card later, I’d completely forgotten about the cute animal collage I made weeks ago. Railing against the cost of ink, I was irked the colours didn’t reproduce well in print. We spent the evening watching the highly anticipated Deutschland ’89 and films, drinking Mateus and toasting Phil’s birthday.

The P1 mystery person was found in Croydon, thankfully in quarantine. Nads Doris did a round of interviews to defend the 1% NHS pay rise, insisting it was all they could afford. Unions up in arms, the GMB called it “dismissive and insulting,” Unison were balloting members on industrial action, and the RCN set up a £35m strike fund. Cyprus and Portugal planned to welcome UK vaccinated vacationers by 1^st May, but we weren’t allowed to go until at least the 17^th. 40 days after Nasty Patel announced it, fliers were mandated to complete a ‘declaration of travel’. From Monday, a costly £2,000 fine would ensue for failure to produce the document.

Paying The Price

On the big day, I assembled Phil’s birthday gifts and treats and cooked a fat meaty brunch before the unwrapping. He seemed to like the random selection! His sister rang him for a chat. As a teacher in Hull, she had worked throughout in a school never less than 50% full even in total lockdown. An indication of the demography of the workforce, unsurprisingly leading to a much higher infection rate than the UK average.

Turning back to pleasant distractions, we decided on a walk. With few options open to us without breaking the law, it was either that or coffee-cupping. Luckily, appearance of the sun coincided with the mid-afternoon outing to his favourite wood. Crossing at the traffic lights, we gave a cheery wave to a mate walking her dog, navigated the busy park, and went along the Sustrans path. Low river waters revealed detritus and mysterious posts sticking out of sandy banks. On a green bridge, pixie cups sprouted on mossy walls. Near the farm, robins hopped between garden shrubs. A man gardening commented on the number of small birds thereabouts. A lovely grassy lane took us down to the old quarry, where a couple of boys rode mountain bikes. I prodded an old bottle filled with green growth. Thinking it could have art potential, I safely used a spare carrier to place it in my rucksack. We rested at a small waterfall and enjoyed the calm rumble of water underfoot until a cloud of midges emerged! Continuing through the unpeopled wood, we were serenaded by flocks of finches and yet more robins on the final stretch onto roadway. Taking steps down to the canal, the lock bridge was crowded, requiring some dodging. (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱⁱⁱ).

The barmy-looking cake was scrummy. While out, I received several comments on the photo I’d posted on Facebook. Referring to the candles, one friend said ‘I see Phil is 6’ ‘Err, 7 actually!’ Barely hungry, we forced ourselves to order an Indian take-away for dinner. The deliverer rang to say he couldn’t find the house. I stood on the doorstep and waved at a figure prowling the street. He’d been looking for a number that didn’t exist. On approach, he wore a mask on his chin. Why bother if you took if off your face when you got to the customer’s house? Not having dealt with a plague era take-away before, I considered the logistics. I lay all the containers out on the kitchen table, removed the lids then washed my hands for serving, later cleansing the table and containers to put leftovers in the fridge. Apart from cold bhajis, it tasted great but I wondered if it was worth the money now I could cook a decent curry myself. Phil said it was, for the variety. He had seconds but I could hardly move after 1 plateful! We drank cava and watched a DVD movie double-bill. My Way mad because it’s true, Doomsday because it isn’t. The Neil Marshall offering from 2008 wrongly predicted how people would act in the midst of a pandemic, lockdown and Brexit but his fictional plague was far more interesting than the real one!

On a cold, grey Sunday, we stayed in. Feeling whacked, I apologised for being boring but tried to stay upbeat. Writing and telly-watching was punctuated by eating yummy leftovers. Despite severe fatigue, I struggled to sleep, doubtless due to the weekend’s excesses. Night-time brightness didn’t help. I peeked through the curtains at shiny white clouds, then used the meditation soundtrack to fall into a fractious sleep.

Vaccinations reached 22k. As part of the over 55 age group, we’d be next. Susan Hopkins, PHE said the UK was in for a ‘hard winter’ with surges in flu and ‘other respiratory pathogens’ because lack of a recent flu season reduced immunity. But wouldn’t that slow the spread and reduce the risk of mutations, as they argued for Covid? NHS workers claimed a higher pay offer was already ‘baked in’, held demos and threatened court action. Boris still insisted 1% was all the government could afford (but it could change when the offer was considered by the NHS Pay Review Body). As Europe warned of legal action, Lord Frost wrote in The Torygraph to tell them to stop sulking over the UK’s unilateral decision to extend the ‘grace period’ until October. Using the EU rule put in place 30^thJanuary*, France and Italy churlishly blocked AZ exports to Australia. A record 2.9m Americans were inoculated on Saturday making a total of 90m. The Pope spent the weekend in Iraq and held a poignant Sunday mass among the ruins of Mosul.

* Vaccine export transparency mechanism; subsequently extended to the end of June 2021.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Valley Life Magazine: http://valleylifemagazine.co.uk/

iii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 51 – Magic, Mayhem and Mystery

“Boris Johnson appears to have finally learned a lesson about the dangers of overpromising and underdelivering” (Devi Sridhar)

Magic Monday

Very achy at the start of the week, it was a struggle to get up. A typical Monday mired in nasty jobs was brightened somewhat when I took the rubbish out by sightings of the sun and several neighbours. Exchanging pleasantries with the woman next door, the elderly couple emerged for a stroll. We compared health notes. She’d unfortunately had another fall but celebrated her birthday with balloons and an opera singer performing outside. I’d heard nothing from my sickbed on the other side of the house. Phil later said he had. “She must have been good, it sounded like a recording.” “It’s a pity the rest of the terrace didn’t know. We could have stood on our doorsteps to enjoy the magic.” Enquiring if they’d had the jab, he had. She declared “no chance!” “Oh come on! If they wanted to put chips in us, they’d have done it decades ago. And anyway, Google can already track you.” Chuckling, he said: “I’ve told her, who’d want to track us?” “Good point!” I laughed

Forcing myself to rise again on Tuesday, Phil offered to take on the chores. But fed up with so much time in bed, I persevered with cleaning, writing and a trip to the co-op – not too stressful for once. Paying at the kiosk, my member’s card did a vanishing trick. An old acquaintance appeared just in time to indicate its location on the floor. Aching from the heavy load, I rested in the afternoon which helped my back but not my brain.

As deaths were down almost a quarter, a PHS study found ‘spectacular’ hospitalisation reductions of 94% after a dose of the Oxford/AZ vaccine, 85% for Pfizer and 75% in the over 80’s. Schools in Wales and Scotland re-started and Sturgeon announced the ‘stay at home order’ would end north of the border on 5^th April with a return to the system of levels.

The anticipated roadmap out of lockdown dominated English news. Following a Commons session, Boris gave a Monday evening press briefing. Calling the 4-step plan a ‘one way road to freedom’, but undertaken ‘with utmost care’ with 5 weeks between each step to assess the effect on 4 ‘safety tests’ (numbers vaccinated, effectiveness in reducing hospitalisation and death, rates of infection, and emergence of mutants strains). He promised no tiers or curfews but said regional lockdowns were an option to supress surges. Warning of ‘trade-offs’ with more deaths and hospital cases, he maintained there was no such thing as a ‘Covid-free Britain’ and we’d have to live with it like flu. I reflected on the lack of a flu season during the winter. That didn’t happen by magic. Had they learnt nothing from the reduction in touching and breathing on each other? Saying they’d be ‘lead by the data, not dates’, The Bumbler proceeded to reel off a list of dates for each step:

Step 1 – 8^th March – schools and colleges to open with twice-weekly testing and masks for secondary pupils. Students on practical university courses could return but the rest would stay on-line, to be reviewed at Easter. We could have a ‘coffee on a bench’ with 1 other person and 1 regular visitor would be allowed for care home residents.

29^th March – The ‘stay at home’ order ended but we should still keep local. We could meet as groups of 6 or as 2 households outdoors, including private gardens. Outdoor sport and playgroups could resume, capped at 15 participants. There was no mention of going to the office or using public transport.

Step 2 – 12^th April – non-essential shops, gyms and salons would re-open, pubs and restaurants could serve alcohol outdoors and self-catering domestic overnight stays were permitted, including camping. Outdoor venues like zoos and theme parks, indoor play areas, libraries and community centres could also open.

Step 3 – 17^th May – indoor mixing of 6 people or 2 households and up to 30 people outdoors, was permitted. All hospitality, cinemas, theatres, concert halls and sports venues could open, with half-capacity crowds. Adult sport and indoor classes were allowed. Hotels and B&Bs could open and foreign holidays may be possible.

Step 4 – 21^st June – all legal limits on social contact would be removed thus enabling greater indoor mixing, nightclubbing and larger events such as festivals. There was no mention of face coverings or social-distancing rules, although a review was planned.

There’d be pilots of larger crowds and consideration of a ‘Covid Status Certification’ for international travel, later muted to include access to pubs as well as planes. Foreign holiday bookings jumped 7-fold overnight. As The Bumbler confirmed Tuesday that the Glove-puppet would lead the review, he said he was optimistic but “nothing can be guaranteed.” Mike Tildesley warned: “There are certain areas (inner city, deprived)…where vaccine uptake is not high… if we do get these pockets of infection…we could have a more significant risk.”

4 scientists responded in The Guardian. Devi Sridhar said while Boris had finally learned a lesson on overpromising and underdelivering, there were still problems to overcome. She advocated a measles approach to public health, involving vaccines, mass testing and supported isolation. “The imminent risk now is the full return of schools on 8^th March leading to uncontrolled transmission.” Jennifer Dowd of Oxford University added opening schools with little mitigation in place was risky.

SPI-M’s Graham Medley maintained: “Balancing the amount of social contact with the speed of the vaccine roll-out will allow us to exit the epidemic with minimal damage from now on. This will not be the end of Covid-19, and there will be more twists in the tale. But the next few months will be a key step in learning how to live with it.” SPI-B’s Stephen Reicher intoned: “whether this roadmap will ensure an ‘irreversible’ lifting of restrictions is again found in the detail.” A sustainable long-term strategy always was ‘and is still’ lacking. He advocated other measures besides vaccinations including improved TIT, resources to self-isolate, common standards to make places ‘Covid safe’ and proper border controls.ⁱⁱ

Merry Mayhem

I awoke far too early on Wednesday, fatigued and slightly nasal. Phil also felt a bit ill. After a dose of Echinacea, I got going on life admin and writing. During my siesta, I succeeded in 10 minutes’ mindfulness, promptly expelled copious amounts of wind and felt much better all round. Had I expelled stress too? A much better night-time sleep confirmed the theory.

Keir Starmer was exacerbated by another PMQs ‘with no answers’. Quizzed on financial support, Boris called Kier a ‘rocking stool’, said his agenda was ‘paltry’ and advised he wait for next week’s budget. Ian Blackford wanted to know if there’d be another decade of tory austerity. Boris didn’t answer and deflected the question to rant about the SNP wanting to break up Britain.

Following a campaign by DJ Jo Wiley, some people with learning disabilities would be prioritised in the vaccine queue. It was up to GPs to identify them. Neil Ferguson idiotically predicted the ‘road map’ end-date might be sooner than 21^st June if the vaccine roll-out exceeded expectations. Van Dam disagreed: “I don’t want to blow it.” USA deaths reached 500,000 but their vaccine programme was progressing at last. Gwyneth Poltroon shared barmy treatments for long-Covid including ‘intuitive fasting’ and infrared saunas. Top NHS Prof. Stephen Powis diplomatically said her methods were “not really the solutions we’d recommend.” Latitude, Reading and Leeds summer festivals were going ahead. Would revellers need a jab passport? What about under 18’s who weren’t inoculated? It could be a merry mayhem of a Covid-fest!

Thursday was altogether much cheerier. We both felt much better and sun streamed through the windows. Phil helped clear cobwebs dangling from the bedroom ceiling. I spent the rest of the day drafting an article for Valley Life magazineⁱⁱⁱ, adding layers to the Photoshop collage, and going to the market. No queue at the fish van but a limited choice reminded me of Phil’s experience a couple of weeks ago when there was an absence of shellfish. The Fishmonger blamed the famine on Rick Stein telling everyone to eat it now it wasn’t getting to Europe. One of the veg stalls stocked fabled rhubarb from the magical triangle. The sticks fell out of my bag near the riverside steps. Stopping to re-pack, coffee-cuppers and whooping toddlers made me anxious. In spite of my efforts, they fell out again. A hipster behind me said “you need that.” “Indeed. Ever since it was featured on Sunday Brunch, I’ve been thinking: rhubarb!” Emerging from a late afternoon rest, Phil immediately shut the curtains against the dusk as the temperature plummeted.

The alert level down from 5 to 4, the NHS was at less risk of being overwhelmed. The Queen appeared on zoom and advised people to think of others, but didn’t say they were selfish for not having the jab, as the Daily Mail screamed in typical melodramatic style. Emergence of the SA variant in Ealing led to surge testing while Moderna’s tweaked vaccine could be available soon.

Teachers welcomed school catch-up funding to include summer schools, but wanted a longer-term strategy. Teacher assessments were confirmed in place of exams. With tests optional, some warned of inflated grades. Against a backdrop of rising unemployment, The TUC said it was twice as high among the BAME community compared to whites. Asda announced a ‘structural shift’ due to more internet shopping and less cash use, threatening 5,000 jobs, but 4,500 new online jobs were promised. Dodds said councils should be allowed to take over empty shops. Evil tech villain Musk’s skylink provided super-fast broadband in rural areas at an astronomical £89 per month. It sounded spookily like Skynet in The Terminator. Question Time sparked debate on jab passports. What was to stop businesses having their own? Shats tried to defend The Cock’s claim there was never a shortage of PPE, even though we all remembered the mayhem in over-stretched and under-resourced hospitals. Jo Grady called it blatantly misleading.

An almost-full bright moon mitigated against sleep. Even with use of the meditation soundtrack, my slumber was disjointed. Thus I rose later than planned on Friday and had to get a move on to be ready for the Ocado delivery. Unloading a pile of cans and bottles, the driver observed: “Not many people order Mateus.” “Did you know it was the very first rose wine? “Really? My mum used to drink it.” “She’s probably my age then!” Feeling old, I struggled to get the bags to the kitchen, even with Phil’s help carrying the heaviest. “He sounded like a right Rupert.” “I guess he’s had to redeploy with all the hipster bars shut.” Exhausted, I collapsed on the sofa.

Unfortunately, I still needed some stuff for the weekend. Hoping to find treats for Phil’s birthday in the co-op, I declined his offer to accompany me. “After all, grocery shops are virtually the only place I can get your presents.” “I don’t mind extra food.” “It’s a good job!” Searching for items, I saw notices on the egg shelf denoting continuation of the cardboard shortage. I asked my mate at the kiosk if could put the trolley-load through. He apologetically but understandably refused. Avoiding an altercation with the cowbag, cashier, I used the adjacent till.

A lorry at shed boy’s place blocked the steps so I trudged the longer way home. Alerted by the evening news to the appearance of a full Snow Moon, we paused film-night to take photos outside. Phil provided expert tips resulting in superior shots to any of my previous efforts.

Unions blasted the decision not to bump police and teachers up the vaccination priority list. Chair of the Police Federation John Apter said: “This is a very deep and damaging betrayal and will not be forgotten.” Was that a threat? Would there be mayhem on un-patrolled streets? Paul Whiteman, NAHT, whinged: “the government has let them (teachers) down at every turn.” Wei Shem Lin of JCV defended sticking to age criteria: “structuring an entire mass vaccination programme around occupations would be even more difficult.”

In an appeal brought by the Home Office, The Supreme Court ruled that ISIS child-bride Shamima Begum would pose a security risk if she was allowed into the country to appeal against having her British citizenship withdrawn. David Davis tweeted it was a ‘disappointing verdict…the UK cannot simply wash our hands of Brits in Syrian camps’. Quite. And why couldn’t they put measures in place to ensure she wasn’t a threat?

Due to a late night, I had a wobbly start on Saturday and stayed in to finish the collage. Phil went to the shop. He was gone so long I got worried and tried ringing but the call went straight to voicemail. When he rang back, I couldn’t pick up! By the time we spoke, he was almost home. He’d unfathomably gone to town instead of the co-op as I’d assumed, dodging coffee-cuppers and queuing in the convenience store. Due to the delay, dinner prep had to start as soon as we’d had lunch. To compound matters, he said he’d cook but I ended up doing most of it, including rhubarb crumble.

Mystery Unsolved

Sunday, I awoke early to blinding brightness then fell back to sleep until 10. On opening the curtains, the roofs looked white and shiny. Confused, it transpired I’d just missed an intense but brief hailstorm. Wanting to go for a walk in the sun, we bathed and breakfasted as quickly as possible. However, it was past 2 when we were ready. I took some recycling out and spotted a child’s ball in the gutter. Kicking it back to dad, he was surrounded by kids, even though he only had one (to my knowledge) thus not all from the same household.

Walking out in the spring-like warmth, we greeted a neighbour sitting in her back garden. Continuing my research into vaccine take-up, she didn’t know when her invite was due. As she was in our age group, I was able to tell her it would be soon.

On the towpath, Phil commented on the emergence of aging drinkers on benches. “They come out of hibernation around now, like the buds.” Very busy in the park, I observed. “Those native Americans knew a thing or two about the Snow Moon signalling the end of winter.” We climbed up to farmland, finding the fields largely devoid of livestock. We noticed ridges on the slope and a man-made water feature at the bottom for the first time. Subsequently consulting an old map, the site was marked ‘mill pond’ and a mill labelled nearby – a reminder that every opportunity was taken to exploit the landscape in more industrial times. Further up, a decrepit border collie lumbered past. A woman with her own dog asked was it ours. “We assumed it belonged to the farm.” “No, it doesn’t.” As another woman stopped her car, they made a phone call to locate the owner. They obviously all knew each other up there! Resting on a bench at the next corner, a veritable herd of old sheepdogs appeared, this time corralled by their owners. On the way down, we veered off cobbles to cut through the west side of the dark wood. Among the curious arrangements we’d seen in August, we noted several stones of a distinct blue hue with surfaces resembling bubbles. Was it brought here by druids from Wales? We also spotted a painted stone in the hollow of a tree base, deliberately planted holly and makeshift hutments. “Someone believes this place is mystical.” The path became tricky on the last stretch with squelchy mud and a strange channel barely big enough for one foot. Nearing home, skinny catkins sprouted from spindly branches above the river. Inordinately tired after the short walk, we agreed it had been lovely to see signs emerging of the turning of the seasons. (for a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’^iv).

During a mediocre night, Covid dreams featured tenements randomly populated by strangers and friends. I inexplicably took a pizza to Vegan Friend. She ate it before I realised it wasn’t vegan!

Over the weekend, the numbers receiving vaccinations reached 20m. Between them, the EU, UK, USA, Australia, Canada and Japan had 1bn extra doses. Over 100 poorer countries had none. PHE found 6 cases of the F1 Manaus variant; 3 each in Scotland and England, 1 of whom was a mystery – they’d failed to fully complete the form rendering them uncontactable.

In Yorkshire, a family was found camping on the edge of a cliff on The Cleveland Way. Lambasted by coastguards, the police were alerted to a breach of Coronavirus Laws.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Guardian article: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/feb/22/england-covid-roadmap-lockdown-experts-view

iii. Valley Life Magazine: http://valleylifemagazine.co.uk/

iv. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Oxford Vaccination Group