Part 87 – Stranger Than Fiction

“If somebody is spending a huge amount of time on a second job, then they can’t be maintaining support for their constituents” (Lord Evans)

Masking The Truth

Waking at dawn on a cold, blustery Monday, I fell back to sleep until quite late. The plaster came off my cut thumb in the bath. As soreness prevailed, maybe it wasn’t a good idea cutting a flap of dead skin off. Phil announced there was a letter for me. Fearing the worst, I took my time opening it, but it was good news. “That’s that then,” Phil declared, “at least it was only a few weeks rather than years of investigation.” “Yes but why am I losing weight?” “You’re not eating enough.” “I think I am. I might ring the GP to get other bits checked out.” Assailed by a keen wind taking recycling out, I vowed to stay indoors, texted Walking Friend to arrange lunch midweek, posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal until head fug forced a halt. Nodding off with a dry throat that evening, I hoped I wasn’t getting ill and went up early.

Furious MPs held a 3-hour emergency debate on parliamentary standards. Hardly anyone on the tory side of the chamber (incidentally bare-faced), The Bumbler didn’t turn up at all, conveniently having a prior engagement at Hexham General Hospital. He said the train didn’t get back in time. In fact, it pulled into Kings Cross at 5.30 p.m. and the session went on until 7. His approval rating dropped to -16. Belarus sent migrants to the Polish border leading to the declaration of a state of emergency and Brussels claiming Lukashenko, in league with Russia, sought to destabilise the EU in retaliation for sanctions. Flying to the USA allowed, I got a message from booking.com telling me to book a holiday.

Tuesday, I worked on the journal while Phil worked on his new click job. Using headphones, I remarked it was easier to know when he was actually doing a work, rather than looking at crap on his phone but he disliked wearing them. I had to go to the co-op before lunch again. At least it was quiet. When head fug set in late afternoon, I changed activity to iron and stow some summer clothes.

The deadline for care workers to be fully vaccinated looming, Jeremy Vine debated mandatory NHS jabs. A sacked carer in tears said she had no choice. “Yes, you did!” I screamed at the telly and raged at the lack of medical bods to counter her daft claims that the vaccine was untested and ineffective. Later, Goblin Saj announced 2 jabs would be compulsory for frontline NHS staff from 1^st April, unless medically-exempt. Some predicted 123,000 health and care workers could leave rather than be inoculated. Forced to defend Boris visiting the hospital mask-less yesterday, The Goblin insisted his boss followed the rules. But the DOH, as Rabid Raab was reminded on BBC Breakfast, advised all ‘must continue to wear a face covering at all times.’ Recent experience taught me this was the case, even in corridors. TfL reported ¾ of staff had suffered abuse over the issue and blamed Boris for mixed messages. Second jobs becoming a big issue, Devon MP and lawyer Geoffrey Cox allegedly used his Westminster office to earn almost £900,000 representing the Virgin Islands on a corruption case. Annalise Dodds asked for an investigation. It then transpired Cox claimed £22,000 a year to rent a London flat while letting out another one for £10,000. You couldn’t make this stuff up!

Cover Story

After raining all night, Wednesday stayed miserable. About to shake throws out, I heard voices and opened the door to see a man almost on the doorstep while the woman from next-door-but-one stood in the street under an umbrella. Phil later witnessed them doing a photoshoot. “The glamour never stops round here!” Suitably attired, I waited for Walking Friend who was coming straight from having a booster jab. “How was it?” “I don’t know yet.” We walked to the town centre, discussed my travails and went to the Turkish café where she told me her news. Her oldest friend had died suddenly last month. Much more traumatic than my own woes, I felt bad rambling on about them. The only relatives a distant brother-in-law and an elderly aunt, she ended up organising the funeral which took place the previous day. Although a sad occasion, she was pleased to see several old acquaintances and receive donations for cat rescue. On a pleasanter note, we shared stories about our September breaks before doing the rounds of charity shops and gazing at the river. The heron stood alert on the weir and she spotted kingfishers. Of course they’d gone by the time I looked. Feeling out-of-sorts, she was unsure if it was grief, stress or side-effects from the Pfizer. I empathised and walked with her towards the bus stop. Back home, I slumped on the sofa, briefly updated Phil and went for a lie down.

The Welsh government extended mandatory face-coverings to cinemas and theatres. Geoffrey Cox denied breaching parliamentary rules. The Bumbler went to COP26 for publication of the draft ‘cover decision’ to be agreed by the end of the summit. Criticism came from Greenpeace and Christian Aid, for not including dates or obligations, being too soft, too slow, not enough, and containing gaps such as money for poor countries. John Kerry announced a surprise agreement between China and USA, pledging to cut emissions and move to clean energy. While Andy Bowie resigned over sleaze, Boris unedifyingly had to address the row and insist the UK parliament wasn’t corrupt. It didn’t escape notice that last week he flew from Glasgow so he wouldn’t miss dinner with his chums at the Garrick Club, but this week, he took trains so he could skip important commons debates. Again mask-less until he alighted in Scotland where they were obligatory, some said he was sending his own message. Merkel called on Russia to intervene on the Belarussian ‘inhumane’ treatment of migrants, pushing them to the Polish border. Astronauts returning from ISS on Space X wore nappies because the toilet broke.

Feeling slightly ill again Thursday, I took Echinacea and attempted some exercise. After breakfast, Phil commandeered the bathroom while I sorted washing, did chores and made coffee. The market thankfully not busy, I got mussels at the fish van, but no parsley. “That’s’ because of the mussels,” I told him. How can you have mussels without parsley?” “Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll get more next time.” The sociopath German hippy was chatting to the jolly veg man so I retreated to the square where a busker played guitar, threw a coin in his case and shared a smile. He was actually pretty good, unlike an erstwhile teacher playing trumpet really badly round the corner. Almost as horrific as her crooning, at least she couldn’t sing with the instrument in her gob! I saw an old pub friend’s daughter on the way back. She updated me on her mum, her 2 jobs and not being a manager at Aldi as German Friend told me. Planning to go to Leeds, Phil was still home and criticised my treatment of the mussels. I told him to sod off and faffed trying to keep them in a net bag but as I dunked them in a bowl of oats and water, they weren’t fully covered so I had to snip the bag creating evil micro-plastic – grr! I edited ‘Copperopolis’ and posted the update on Cool Placesⁱ then rang the GP surgery. 11^th in the queue, I waited to get a tele appointment next Tuesday before a lie down. I didn’t fully relax but warmed up somewhat.

Phil returned in time for dinner. Calling into the café after a good day in Leeds, he found 2 more prints sold. They wanted him to leave his pictures up as they were the most popular they’d ever had. “it’s official. You’re the most successful local artist…in that café!” I laughed. “Not a very high bar!”

The Kings Fund warned the NHS was ‘on its knees’ with overstretched and exhausted staff and chronic workforce shortages. German daily cases up 3,500 in a week, the interim government took the same approach as the UK but fearing a hospital emergency, medics wanted lockdown. Chair of the committee on standards in public life, Lord Evans said if an MP spent lots of time on a second job, they couldn’t be supporting their constituents. Rishi Rich insipidly said they ‘must do better’. Red wall tories were livid with the old guard protecting their own. Ben Wally wrote to labour and the SNP about 3 MPs accused of drunkenness on a flight to Gibraltar as part of the Armed Forces Parliamentary Scheme. Nicola Sturgeon called the claims concerning Drew Hendry and David Linden ‘false’. Labour said Charlotte Nichols experienced an ‘episode’. Tories rejected counter-claims their own MPs got drunk that night and said it was ‘quite clearly a desperate attempt to deflect attention.’ A more likely story was that it was the other way round! A record 1,200 migrants crossed the channel in a single day and 3 were lost at sea. 23,000 so far reaching Kent in 2021 was already more than the whole of 2020. Critics still sceptical COP26 would achieve anything, Look North reported ITM Power would be the largest producer of green hydrogen power, creating 300 jobs on the old Sheffield airport site by the end 2022. The ONS reported the economy grew 1.3%.

Still iffy Friday, I pottered before an uneventful trip to the co-op. Cleaning the bathroom later, I heard the landline ring. Phil answered and impatiently brandished the handset while I washed my hands. The hospital consultant told me the test results, which I’d already had, and said there was nothing to worry about which was re-assuring. Telling Phil, he pulled a face in mock-disgust: “That’s enough of that women’s stuff!”

ONS data showed infections fell across the UK to 1:60 people. Highest rates in England among school years 7 to 11, the trend was ‘uncertain’ in 12-24 and 35-49 year olds. WHO reported Europe ‘back at the epicentre of the pandemic’ with deaths up 10% across the continent, mainly driven by outbreaks in Russia and Eastern Europe. Numbers high in Germany, Merkel said people had a duty to get vaccinated and a partial lockdown was imposed in Holland. Boris mixed his metaphors wittering about storm clouds gathering and seeing before what happened when waves started rolling in. At COP26, a re-drafted ‘cover decision’ included more on money for poor countries and a request for all nations to strengthen plans to cut emissions but weakened commitments on fossil fuels. Red Ed warned the 1.5⁰ goal was ‘in mortal peril’. John Kerry thought things were moving in the right direction but not done yet. Alok Sharma admitted disagreements remained and called for a last push to find ‘pragmatic and workable solutions’. Negotiations lasted an extra day. Californian wildfires covered a million acres. Firefighters losing the battle, they saved Gen Sherman.

Inconclusive

Saturday morning was so dazzling I could hardly see. Too much wine the previous night didn’t help. Putting empty bottles out, the woman who lived next door pulled up. She asked if we had a spare USB adaptor for her phone. I dug one out and said she could keep it. We caught the last two hours of sunshine on a gloriously warm day, hurrying through the ridiculously busy town centre and up into woodland. The mellowing canopy visible from our street, it didn’t disappoint close up with fading greens and yellows punctuated by golden oranges.

Stepping aside for a pregnant woman in pagan apparel, accompanied by a man and a woman with a camera, the latter smiled at us: “A lovely day for pictures!” She said in a pronounced Eastern European accent. Was it a belated Samhain photoshoot? The full stream easy to navigate on large stones and wooden bridge, we continued up between fields of large goats and sheep with curly horns. Two Asian teenagers stood near the top gate, doing selfies and giggling. “We’ll never know why that’s so funny!” observed Phil. We climbed slowly to the corner, rested on a bench and proceeded upwards. Capturing valley views, Phil clambered on a wall and cut his hand on barbed wire. I helped him patch the painful gash with tissue and hand gel which stung mightily. I distracted him from the pain by pointing to the ground “mini apples!” “Oak apples.” “Do oaks have apples as well as acorns?” “No, it’s caused by a parasitic wasp.” “How odd. I’m not sure I’ve seen that before.” At the end of the lane, we curved down into the clough, remarking on how different it looked compared to last month. Carefully watching our footing, we got scared at the sight of two fierce-looking mutts but the family held them as we past. We avoided town to reach home where I helped Phil unload so he could treat his injury before collapsing on the couch. Dinner delicious, the fishmonger’s other customers might have been right that the Shetland mussels were the best ever.

Making breakfast Sunday morning, I noted the bread I bought Friday was almost gone. I’d had 3 slices. Phil atoned by baking some. He also fixed the front door lock which wasn’t always catching and the bedroom door which was sticking. After wasting half an hour getting a fly to go out the bedroom window, I spent the rest of the day watching telly films, writing a haigaⁱⁱ and working on the Christmas card in Photoshop. Looking almost finished, Phil thought it was good. “Yes, but why did I start? All that cutting out!” During a crap night, I had to get up several times before sleeping at all, used the meditation soundtrack, dropped in and out of slumber and woke the next day feeling very ropey indeed.

His approval rating now down to -21%, The Bumbler admitted the Paterson affair could have been handled better. Rees-Moggy was found to have borrowed £2.94 m from Saliston Ltd (his own lettings and real estate company). 67% immunised in Austria, the lowest in Europe, the unvaccinated were subject to curfew, leading to protests. Highest case numbers since the start of the pandemic in Holland led to a partial lockdown and demos in Den Hague. Germany watched closely. Tougher EU sanctions on Belarus entailed travel bans and asset freezes for airlines flying migrants to the Polish border. A Syrian man was found dead in woodland near the village of Wolka Terechowska. Trussed-Up Liz urged Putin to intervene and sent British troops to bolster ‘unprecedented military build-up on the border’. While severe pollution in New Delhi forced schools and government buildings to shut, COP26 concluded 24 hours late. Greta tweeted: ‘here’s a brief summary: blah, blah, blah.’

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 61 – Washouts and Landslides

“Disconnection from our heartland communities will only deepen unless they can look to Labour and see a party with clear, bold policies that understands and speaks to them ” (Len McClusky)

Washout Monday

Still feeling dizzy on a cold, grey Monday morning, I wobbled down for a cuppa and decided porridge would warm us up. Later, I bathed, fetched coffee, reading material and the laptop and ensconced myself in bed to post blogs and read Valley Life. Only flicking through the spring edition at Easter, I hadn’t noticed my piece got a mention on the cover and in the editorial! An article on the flood relief works revealed a walk further down the canal was needed to see their full extent. Phil worked downstairs and brought me a tasty lunch butty. I remarked it felt like any other Monday. As if to underline the point, the heavens opened, putting paid to May Day bank holiday frolics. If there was a street party at the local labour club, it would be a washout but at least the dirty hippies could have a nice shower! Elsewhere over the weekend, 5,000 Scousers went to a test gig in Sefton Park and Cambridge students had a rave on Jesus Green for Caesarean Sunday. A bright interval early evening tempted swifts to dart about the valley catching insects. Attempts to capture them on my phone camera were futile.

A sole death from coronavirus recorded, vaccines reached 50m of which 15m were second jabs. Moderna committed 500m doses to Covax but the WHO programme wouldn’t start until late 2021, with most delivered 2022. Why so slow? On his third campaign visit to Hartlepool, The Bumbler hinted at scrapping social distancing when pubs fully re-opened. Thinking mid-May a bit early, I exclaimed: “they should at least wait until us oldies are fully immunised!” Indoor activities opened in Wales and the EU revealed proposals “to allow entry to the EU not only for all persons coming from countries with a good situation but also to all people who have received the last recommended dose of an EU-authorised vaccine.” A decision likely by the end of the month, they expected reciprocity. Several countries were muted to be green-lighted for travel from the UK. But following the ISU’s warnings of airports being breeding grounds, Layla Moran spluttered: “It’s staggering to think the government is even contemplating encouraging overseas holidays when airports are already struggling to keep the virus and new variants at bay…Urgent measures are needed to better detect fake Covid test certificates, reduce overcrowding in arrival halls and separate out those arriving from red and amber list countries.” Prof. Ferguson Inaccurately predicted Italy and France would get the green light if infections fell and agreed with Boris’ tweet that it would be a ‘Great British summer’, saying: “life will feel a lot more like normal.” He added that the move to scrap social-distancing would inevitably lead to more infections and fatalities but it was ‘a political decision’ to determine how many deaths were acceptable. It was my turn to splutter!

In the aftermath of the Super league failure, the Premier League introduced a charter committing football club owners to ‘the core principles’ of the competition, while a capacity audience watched the boring snooker final.

During the night, I awoke with a coughing fit. A drink of water and a throat pastille soon calmed it down, but I slept fitfully afterwards, with Covid dreams involving pub mates.

Deluged

Respite from the engineering works over the bank holiday, they woke me at 8.00 a.m. Tuesday. Slightly better and the cough not persistent, I stopped worrying I had Covid. Still chronically fatigued, I stayed in bed for the next few days. While Phil took care of chores and errands, I worked on the next journal instalment. The deluge of news stories meant it took all week.

According to ONS figures, infections in secondary schools were 0.3%, a big drop from December and on a par with the wider population. Polls showing the tory lead down from 11 to 5%, but 50% ahead in Hartlepool, Keir foresaw defeat, saying on BBC Breakfast that he took ‘full responsibility’ for the outcome of the by-election. Holding onto the Labour stronghold in 2019, Brexit-voting Hartlepool was still a red brick in the blue wall. Referring to allegations of Boris’ misconduct in office, he said: ”Being the PM…is an incredible honour…and it shouldn’t be ‘priced in’ that (he’s) not going to be straight (with us)…this idea that some of the top government seem to have that the rules don’t really apply to them…is completely wrong.” The hospitality industry whinged they couldn’t recruit enough staff for 17^th May as loads had gone off to be delivery drivers. ‘Well, pay more than minimum wage then!’ I advised.

Wednesday, I tried to expunge nasty black marks from my fingers. I’d only just noticed the ingrained muck from last week’s DIY. I worked on the journal until head fug set in, backed up computer files and put a pile of clothes away. During ‘quiet time’, I got absolutely no rest at all with so much noise outside. Besides works on the canal, builders clattered, trains screeched and traffic beeped.

As it was muted the NHS App may not be ready in time for travel, Portugal said come anyway. Having already booked 60m Pfizer boosters for autumn, Uncleverly told us Van Dam was leading ‘Covboost’ – a trial to look at “which vaccine delivers the best boost.” The Cock announced capacity for blood testing at Porton Down would double, to detect anti-bodies and “future-proof the country from the threat of new variants.” Nads Zahawi said the UK conducted 50% of the worlds’ genome sequencing of coronavirus and mutants, adding that as the situation moved from pandemic to endemic, they’d deal with it in the same way as ‘flu. Adam Finn of JCVI warned that as the virus circulated throughout the world without being properly tested, there would definitely be viral evolution, possibly undetected. “As more and more of the world’s population become immune to the virus through infection or through immunisation, the speed of that is likely to go up so it’s certainly a problem now and it’s likely to be an increasing problem going forward.” With some scientists saying more spread equalled faster mutations, while others said the opposite, I was left confused.

At a G7 meeting in London, the USA proposed intellectual property exemption for vaccines, to allow a global response. 2 Indian delegates travelled infected and self-isolated, to be closely followed by the whole deputation. Organisers claimed it was due to strict procedures that Covid had been detected and Boris denied it was a mistake to meet in person. For the first time ever, I agreed with Dawn Brexit on Jeremey Vine who asked why were they let in when we couldn’t go anywhere? But I soon disagreed again as she went onto to say it wasn’t mad to go to India on holiday even with 20m cases and 220,000 deaths – crazy! In the meantime, The Bumbler had a zoom call with Nodi to agree pledges on health, climate, education, science & technology, defence and trade which he called a ‘quantum leap’. Evil Musk sent more satellites into space and a SpaceX test didn’t end in a crash for once. Meanwhile, a Chinese rocket that took the Tianhe space station up, hurtled towards earth. The descent uncontrolled, no one knew when or where it would land.

Following Newsnight, a cop doc featured a murder in my home town. One street over from where I grew up, it housed a decent pub back then; a favourite haunt of my dad’s. The pub now gone, the area was haunted by drug gangs with guns.

Super Thursday

Election day was cold with heavy showers, including hail. Apparently brought by an arctic blast, it snowed elsewhere and didn’t bode well for Labour. Still ailing, I had to get out of bed so we could change the sheets. I got straight back in to work on the laptop. Late afternoon, Phil went to the polling station, equipped with mask and pen. Getting wet, at least he missed the hailstones. He handed my ballot in and completed his own. Not gone long, I asked: “not busy then?” “No, ”he chuckled, “just one hippy.” He then complained: “you didn’t tell me there were 2 votes.” “What?“ “For the mayor; there was a second choice.”

“I did tell you, and there was a leaflet explaining it all. Anyway, I’m not your electoral advisement officer.” “Yes you are.” “Hmm. I didn’t bother. I didn’t want to split the vote and it’s not mandatory.” “Oh.” “Who did you vote for?” “One of the weirdos.”* “God help us!”

At least he hadn’t drawn a cock and balls on the papers, as he’d threatened, in retribution for the council putting new led street-lighting up. Mayoral candidate Tracy Brabin off Corrie, was churlishly spragged up for giving out free brownies, but as party workers ate them, she broke no rules. Someone obviously predicted she’d win. In London, serious candidates headed off a mind-boggling array of minority parties, independent nutters and Covid-deniers, including Piers Corbyn, Psycho Fox, Count Binface, and the hilariously-named Peter Gammon of UKIP.

I later spotted a missed message from Walking Friend. On her way to vote, she’d wanted to meet for coffee. I thanked her for the thought and said I’d get in touch when I felt better.

Young adults took part in trials of a plant-based vaccine in York. Canadian pharma Medicago cleverly grew the virus protein on leaves. The ONS revealed a shocking 19.6% hike in alcohol-related deaths. The rise starting in March 2020, it coincided with the start of the first lockdown.

Wednesday, 2 French boats blocked the port of St. Helier and French maritime minister Annick Girardin threatened to cut off Jersey’s electricity supply, in retaliation for a requirement that fishers submit evidence of past activities in the island’s waters to get a continuance licence. Lambasted as ‘disproportionate’, naval ships were disproportionately dispatched, closely pursued by the French military on a ‘patrol mission’. A 15 hour stand-off ensued, involving up to 100 French fishing boats, the loosing of flares, ramming of a pleasure-craft, musket fire from a re-enactor, and a fisherman called Popeye declaring ‘war’. The French then sailed away Thursday teatime, saying they’d made their point. Brussels complained to Westminster that the new rules broke the Brexit agreement. After speaking to the protestors, Jersey Senator Ian Gorst said the licence requirements had been ‘lost in translation’ and Chief Minister John Le Fronde added the ‘very good discussions’ highlighted issues that could easily be resolved. Amid concerns the situation could escalate if unsettled, John Bercow on QT called it ‘jingoistic sabre rattling,’ not unconnected to the elections.

Fallout Friday

Slightly improved Friday, I stayed in bed writing and replied to an e-mail from the researcher, confirming our upcoming meeting. That evening, Have I Got News For You featured the community library in the Hants village of Hurstbourne Tarrant, also containing porn. Was it a national phenomenon? The Cornholme incident got a mention, bringing more unwelcome attention to the area.

PHE said inoculations had averted 10,000 deaths and with Jansen set to be approved (requiring only 1 jab), the under 40’s were to be offered alternatives to AZ. Traffic lights revealed only 12 green countries including Portugal, Gibraltar, Israel and Iceland. France, Italy, Spain and Greece were on the amber list and Turkey, The Maldives and Nepal added to the red. Shats now said the NHS app would be ready for use to prove you’d had 2 injections, or you could get a letter before travelling. TUI offered holidaymakers the required tests at a bargain £20. A fire at the New Providence Wharf tower block, where cladding replacement was underway, led Grenfell United to shout “enough is enough!”

Tories crowing over a landslide victory in the Hartlepool by-election, Boris went to pose with a blimp of himself. They also gained control of 13 councils, although it took several days for all ballots to be counted, as it did for metro mayors. Bemoaning the losses, Keir bleated: “we have not made a strong enough case to the country.” John McDonnell accused him of being ‘almost policy-less’ and Len McClusky warned disconnection would deepen unless Labour had clear, relevant policies.

In a weird dream, I inexplicably volunteered at an undefined government-sponsored conference, along with some people I knew. Clueless as to the theme, we succeeded in winging it, wondered what it was all about and concluded it was a cronyism scam. “Now we have insider knowledge. We could be proper whistle-blowers!” I whooped. Telling Phil the next day, he said I obviously missed coffee-cupping but as my conference days were far behind me, I thought it more likely a mixture of TV exposure, awful election results and wanting to bring the government down.

Saturday morning, I felt well enough to have breakfast downstairs but returned upstairs with aches and pains. Grey skies and rain didn’t help. Planning to mend holes in the newly-washed bedspread, it was so cold I ended up putting it back on the bed – in May! I rallied sufficiently to go back down late afternoon.

Much perkier following a relatively good sleep, I itched to get out of the house on Sunday. We set off in fine weather for the nearest wood. Climbing up, an earthy scent rose from the churned up track scattered with dislodged wall blocks – caused by a vehicle or the recent rain? In the wood, the mysterious stones appeared green rather than blue as did stained sheep in the adjacent field. Corvids squawked above as if to say ‘get off our land!’ We slogged up to the top wall, expecting to keep in alignment with it, but the path veered down and we emerged onto a nasty stony path. We crossed onto softer ground for a much easier ascent to familiar territory.. Afternoon showers put paid to our usual rest stop. We squatted under a large tree near the waterfall, teeming for once. “It’s like camping,” Phil said, “imagine waiting 40 minutes for the kettle to boil.” “No thanks!” The quarry similarly transformed by increased water, we navigated paths resembling streams on the shorter route down (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱ)

Although we didn’t get far, the uphill climbs and a ‘shortcut’ which added 45 minutes to the walk, was enough for me. Back home, I edited photos and was inspired by zinging greenery after the rain to write a haigaⁱⁱ.

2/3 of adults were inoculated, 1/3 with 2 doses. The ‘key tests’ met, an announcement Monday was predicted to confirm the next stage of the waymark, and permit hugging. “What I want to know is, will face-licking be allowed?” Phil joked. A curfew in Spain ended, excepting Navarra, Valencia, the Balearics, and the Canaries. The Chinese rocket splashed down in the Indian Ocean.

Counting for the West Yorkshire mayor finally took place. Tracy Brabin celebrated her 60^th birthday with a win. Watching the weekend’s extensive election coverage, I only heard national media even mention it twice until the declaration. The Yorkshire Party came third which was funny but Tracy’s roles as mayor and PCC meant a by-election in Batley & Spen, which wasn’t. Despite tory gains, the majority of metro mayors were labour (a fact also omitted by the mainstream) and they held onto some Lancashire and Yorkshire councils including ours. Rather than a red wall, the map looked more like a red fence with holes in it.

Labour also kept control of the Welsh Senedd, and the SNP held onto Holyrood. The fourth successive victory led Sturgeon to say it was ‘when not if’ for Scottish independence. Boris told her to stick to tackling the virus and invited devolved leaders to a Team UK summit on the pandemic.

Thinking Angela Rayner would make a good party leader (and not just because she represented my hometown), Kier sacked her as party chair and campaign manager to inevitable accusations of scapegoating. Was that what he called taking full responsibility for his own mistakes? Saying she’d retain her deputy leader role because of her ‘working class appeal’, we were flummoxed seeing as she was elected by members. A hasty shadow cabinet re-shuffle over the weekend moved her to shadow cabinet minister. Meanwhile, Dodds was out and Reeves in as shadow chancellor.

Developing a painful stiff neck in the evening, a massage helped the pain but not sleep. Tossing and turning in a luminous night, I looked through the curtains at a solitary bright star. With the help of the meditation tape, I dropped in and out of sleep to be disturbed at 5.45 a.m. by loud industrial vehicles – grr!

* I think Phil placed his second choice mayoral vote for The Yorkshire Party; not that weird!

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 59 – The English Game

“A good news story at last…struggling Westminster family rescued from ‘John Lewis nightmare’ by generous anonymous donor” (Barry Sheerman)

The English Langwage

Waking in the bright early dawn Monday, I turned over and slept ‘til 9. Jeremy Vine featured a campaign to make English words easier to spell. It had us in stitches. Examples included ‘wosh’, ‘Receev’ and ‘guud iedei’. Wondering who’d come up with this guff, it turned out to be the result of 3 years intense coffee-cupping by The Spelling Societyⁱ. Inspired, we came up with our own, without the need for umpteen focus groups. E.g.: langwage; alfabet; soop; shop-bort; komershull; vakseen; actchewal; dementure.

After blog posting and grotty chores, I grouted the tiles on the bathroom cube and planted wild garlic bulbs. Uprooted by accident when picking, we now had 6 plants in tubs. I’d forgotten I’d made a pile of detritus 2 weeks ago and filled a black bag with it, while a wasp annoyingly buzzed round my head. Hot and thirsty, I retreated indoors for water and a lie down.

Vaccinations reached 43m, of which 33m were first and 10m second jabs. As cases in India still soared and the majority of the 103 variant cases in the UK were linked to travel, New Delhi went into a week’s lockdown and the whole country went onto the travel red list. Effective from 4.00 a.m. Friday, Boris was forced to cancel his trade trip. The European Super League confirmed late Sunday night, the big 6 English clubs were set to join along with 3 Italian and 3 Spanish teams. Much condemnation and consternation ensued. Greedy owners were lambasted by ‘legacy’ fans. UEFA called it ‘disgraceful’ and ‘self-serving’. JP Morgan underwrote loans for The Super League Company who instigated legal action so UEFA couldn’t stop players partaking in other international competitions. Number 10 looked at options such as fan ownership or clawing back Covid loans and Jose Mourinho was sacked from Spurs. Rishi Rich announced a digital currency taskforce, denying it meant the end of English cash. Perseverance flew the Ingenuity helicopter on Mars. The two NASA bots endearingly took photos of each other.

Phil had struggled with his vision all day making him quite depressed but perked up in the evening. Watching our customary Monday night film, I could hardly keep my peepers open. Hoping for a decent night, the droning generator meant it took ages to get any sleep, even with earplugs and the meditation tape. Wakened by an almighty crashing and clanging at 4. 50 a.m., I was absolutely furious. And then it was only 3 hours until the engineering works re-commenced!

Tuesday morning, I felt back at square one with extreme fatigue and a headache. At the end of my tether, I fumed in bed while Phil fetched breakfast and tried to cheer me up. I forced a chuckle as he pulled funny faces. Wobbling downstairs for chores and writing, I opened the living room window for fresh air to promptly re-close it as the incessant din reached a crescendo. The forecast good, we’d planned a walk but the sun disappeared and I wasn’t up to it anyway. Desperate for respite, I took valerian before a siesta. Slightly chilled out, I didn’t fully relax, gave up and placed an Ocado order.

On the campaign trail Monday, Keir was invited to the Raven in Bath by one of the co-owners. In a rage that Labour hadn’t opposed lockdowns, the other owner, Rod Humphris, screamed: “get out of my pub!” The sociopath came on Jeremy Vine Tuesday morning saying ‘look at Sweden’. It was incredulous the likes of him still got a platform to spout their nonsense after a year of suffering and death! Lucy Moreton of the Immigration Services Union said 100 fake covid passes were detected at UK borders every day, airports were breeding grounds as arrivals from different countries were confined indoors and mixed in queues with no social-distancing, and there was no way to know if they quarantined as required.

English Pastimes

The night quieter, I anticipated noise disturbance any minute but it didn’t come until 8.20 Wednesday morning; mercifully not as loud as the previous day. A communique on the mayoral elections did nothing to change my opinion of the motley crew. Most were Leeds-based, the English Democrat candidate’s address wasn’t even in Yorkshire, and Reform UK (nee The Brexit Party) were anti-lockdown nutters (no wonder Anne Widdecombe was in it!) Similarly, the fruit-loop Freedom Alliance standing for the local council, spouted a load of conspiracy guff. A leaflet pushed through the letterbox later in the week had literally been hand-rolled on a Gestetner. The reek of old-fashioned ink took me back to early anarchist group days!

After the inevitable happy birthday to the queen, Keir led PMQ’s by referencing texts from the Bumbler to James Brexit Dyson. In response to Dyson’s lobbying, the PM personally promised he’d fix an issue over the tax status of workers returning to make ventilators at the start of the pandemic (which never materialised). Days later, Rishi announced workers coming to the UK wouldn’t have their tax status changed. “One rule for those that have got the prime ministers’ phone number, another for everybody else.” Keir railed, “if a nurse had (his) phone number would they get the 4% pay rise?” Boris replied: “I make absolutely no apology at all for shifting heaven and earth…to secure ventilators for the people of this country.” Keir batted back with accusations of tax breaks for tory chums, pushing colleagues to help Greensill and dodgy PPE deals. With new allegations every day, it was “sleaze, sleaze, sleaze…all on his watch!” Boris typically evasive, played the old Captain Hindsight card. A labour spokesman later said there was evidence the ministerial code was breached and further ammunition came from Transparency International UK who identified 73 crony contracts, and possible criminality.

For the first time since cafes and pubs were allowed to have seating, we had lunch out. It looked pleasant from indoors but as we set off, the sun hid behind clouds and a cool breeze whipped up. We sat outside the Turkish café for a chilly al-fresco lunch – a very English pastime! German Friend came by and asked me to share pre-diabetic tips sometime. She’d booked a table at the pub on the square for herself and a mutual friend (whom we’d last seen March 2020; just before she went into hospital at the start of lockdown #1). I went in the sweet shop for some non-essential shopping while Phil loitered outside the animal charity shop. We perused a seemingly interesting display of kitchen gadgets but came away empty-handed.

Stopping to say hello to our friends outside the pub, they persuaded us to join them. The two women sat opposite each other at the far end while an old fellow pub mate sat at the other end, leaving plenty of space for us. Before getting stuck into a one-time regular pastime of supping ale, I nipped across the square to finish errands before enjoying an hour in company. Although fun, it felt odd being with other people and the staff flitted between tables far too much for my liking. Comparing notes on the various lockdowns, we had a laugh at the geese and corvids taking over during the first one.

After 1 pint, we felt really cold and said our goodbyes. Phil still had one more purchase to make. I strolled homewards until he caught me up and persuaded me to take a bunch of free sage from a table in the lower street a very English herb.

Daily press conferences by Boris scrapped, Oliver Dowdy was wheeled out to defend the decision to use the room in Downing Street, specially refurbished at tax-payers’ expense, for ministerial press conferences instead. Indian cases and deaths still rising, hospitals were full, the number of variant cases in the UK doubled, and 200 people a day arrived to beat the Qs before Friday. Boris announced a Covid-19 taskforce to find effective anti-virals. More legislation muted to foil the European Super League such as changing competition laws, the big 6 English teams all pulled out, as did Inter Milan. Was the move in anticipation of changes to the Champions League which the big clubs didn’t think went far enough, or a ruse to get more money out of the FA? John Barnes appeared on BBC Breakfast to say it was. As Derek Chauvin was rightly convicted of the George Floyd murder, it emerged teenager Ma’Khia Bryant was shot by a cop minutes before the verdict. Would anything ever change? After a Tesla car missed a turning, crashed into a tree and burst into flames killing the 2 occupants, police said no one was driving. Evil Musk tweeted: “Data logs recovered so far show autopilot was not enabled” A likely story seeing as 27 crashes in the past month were being investigated in the USA.

English Mythology

Frost gave way to sunshine on Thursday. Phil wanted to find more mythical archaeology and I agreed to go in search of a standing stone near the hilltop village. We caught a bus up to the boundary with the next hamlet, utilised a picturesque bench to eat a pasty lunch and consulted directions before looking for the mystical stone. On eventually finding it, we realised we’d past it several times on the way to the crags. How did we miss those huge holly bushes? Inaccessibly set into a wall and obscured by barbed wire, we peered over to realise a line of stones crossing a horse field led directly to it and mused on possible links to structures on the moor. Continuing down, a trio ascending considerately attached their dog’s lead. At the bottom, we turned onto the leafy road for an easy walk back. The trio with the dog re-appeared and asked for directions to town. Near home, we chatted to my old art teacher. He’d had a family holiday in Cornwall the previous week. Postponed from last year, they’d had a good time but found it impossible to eat out in the evenings. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

On another quiet night, I struggled to sleep. My mind full of the day’s findings, I recalled a neighbour once told us the whole town was surrounded by a stone circle. Was it true? Was that why we kept finding mysterious stones? It would be awesome if so – like the mythical Wiltshire village of Avebury!

95% of over 50’s now vaccinated, Margaret Keenan looked forward to a jolly. Covid passports promised soon, she could go to desperado Spain and wear a mask on the beach. The Cabinet Office were probing the source of the leaky texts between Boris and Dyson. Labour wanted a Commons Liaison Committee enquiry. The Good Law Project court hearing on PPE scams unveiled a VIP route to the PM. Civil Servants had complained of drowning in a quagmire of contract requests that didn’t pass due diligence. Hapless drug dealer Ali Hilmi was hilariously convicted after trying to get into the Projekt Nightclub, Burnley with fake £20 notes that said Poond. Phil discovered they could be bought on Amazon but had sold out. The misspellings harked back to the daft spelling society campaign, but the English pronunciation was Pownd, wasn’t it? Maybe he was Scottish, like Les McKeown of the Bay City Rollers who died suddenly.

The English Saint

Woken again by engineering work Friday morning, I battled heavy limbs and a headache for a trip to the co-op, luckily quiet and stressless. I took a break from writing in the afternoon to embark on a ‘deep clean’ of the bathroom, expunging mould from the back window and evicting a family of spiders from beneath the back cupboard. Through the open window, I heard a child calling “pappa!” Not even the English middle-class used that word. They must have been proper posh! I suspected they might be slumming it in a camper van recently parked up on the street below. That evening, we spotted the shed people returning from a game of golf – no-one knew why that was a popular pastime!

Local news wished us happy St. George’s Day. Rather pointlessly, seeing as no special events were allowed and he wasn’t even English. Some sage bods said vaccines did a lot of the ‘heavy lifting’ so we could forgo face-masks over summer but may need them come autumn. 1 dose of AZ or Pfizer gave 74% protection according to the latest study, while the EU planned to sue AZ over ‘contract failure’. The PAC inquiry into supply chain financing revealed that Camoron bombarded BOE gov John Cunliffe with letters. Treasury PS Tom Scholar said he arranged 9 meetings with Charles Roxburgh as it was ‘natural’ to talk to an ex-PM. ONS figures showed the public deficit was 14.5% in the last fiscal year, the highest since 1946. A computer chip shortage caused by people working at home halted car production. Post Masters were acquitted of theft convictions as crap Fujitsu Horizon computers were proven to be responsible for discrepancies. Having covered up the scandal for years, and not telling the accused they weren’t alone, former PO chief Paula Vennells belatedly apologised, resigning from her roles on the boards of Morrisons and Dunelm and as a church minister.

Getting clean clothes out Saturday morning, a drawer in the fitted cupboard collapsed. Annoyed at taking everything out to find the cardi I wanted wasn’t even there, I bad-temperedly hurled woollens on the bed and covered them with a dust sheet before Phil fixed the offending article with glue and screws. It seemed a good time to wash bedroom rugs and I hung them outside to take advantage of fine, breezy weather. Young student neighbour appeared, seemingly overdressed but denied being hot. She was returning to uni soon. Due to royal charter, Cambridge had special term-times over which the government had no authority. I popped to the co-op for a couple of items to find the shelves stripped of salads and dips. Maybe everyone was having barbecues to belatedly celebrate the not-English patron saint. Next-Door-But One’s fella waited for me to come back up the steps. Conversing for the first time ever, he turned out to be even more neurotic than me about the effectiveness of vaccines and said the whole household had shielded and not even entered a shop for over a year. I didn’t mention spotting them going places in the car. Young Student came by and declared “I’m off to the pub,” marking a dramatic change in attitude. Maybe she believed herd immunity was now sufficient to protect us oldies. I scrubbed the bathroom floor and installed the newly-tiled cube, then set about upcycling an old Ikea table. Found a couple of years ago, the garish pink thing spent a summer outside until it became warped in the rain. After some bodging, it occupied a corner of the living room, covered with a cloth. More fixing required, Phil got the glue and screws back out. I considered tiling the top for outdoor use but calculated I’d need loads and decided painting would be easier. By then, my back ached and I’d had enough so.

Fallout from the fast-failing Euro Super League continued. Pundits from across Europe on Football Focus said football wasn’t viewed the same on the continent. To them, it was just 90 minutes whereas the English saw the game as essential to life. Apparent that rich owners didn’t understand its cultural importance, player and fan involvement was seen as the only way forward. Former PM Gordy Brown called the episode a turning point, after which “people will not support greed.”

In spite of backache, Phil consented to a Sunday forage. Pretty sure the garlic patch our Walking Friend mentioned was the place we visited a year ago, we climbed up the ridge. I tried to trace likely lines of the fabled stone circle surrounding town. “But why would anyone bother?” asked Phil, “it was a muddy bog in ancient times.” “Good point.” In the dark wood, we found the crop larger than last April, but top leaves looked dusty. We each filled a bag and rested on a mossy rock beside a twisty path and walked between gnarly trees to arrive at a path last trodden in autumn. Now both flagging with back pain, we had to stop again on the way home. I began to give the leaves a thoroughly good rinse to find Phil’s haul full of grit and left it for him to tackle. Over coffee and cake, I came up with a haiga based on Thursday’s walkⁱⁱⁱ.

Whingeing on the Marr about Brexit, Sturgeon promised no border if Scotland became independent – well, we all knew how well that went in Ireland! The Indian crisis worsened: the number of infections broke the world record 4 days in a row, hospitals ran out of oxygen and Modi was blamed for slow vaccine roll-out even though they made loads. Stephen Reicher criticised a group of ‘siren scientists’ calling for lifting of measures while in Germany, restrictions would last ‘til June. Anti-lockdown demos in London were attended by mayoral candidate and all-round wanker Lawrence Fox. Clashes led to 2 cop injuries and 5 arrests. Hard to figure what they hoped to achieve with lockdown almost over, on Jeremy Vine the next morning, Beverly Swivel-insisted protestors acted responsibly unlike pub-goers in Soho – I rest my case!

The Scumbag reported to be the Chatty Rat who leaked the Bumbler/Dyson texts, he denied it. He also refuted claims he’d leaked full details of lockdown mark 2 before the official announcement, via a WhatsApp message from Downing Street and accused Boris of wanting to stop an ‘embarrassing’ inquiry into the real source. Boris phoned news bosses to sprag on his former spin doctor, a move destined to backfire. Allegations that The Bumbler used tory donors to pay for renovations to his flat were dismissed by Liz Truss as ‘tittle-tattle’. She was more concerned with trade deals than this petty stuff. Apparently Carrie Antionette insisted on a revamp after Theresa May left ‘a John Lewis nightmare’. Most people considering John Lewis upmarket, not to mention it smacked of yet another piece in the cronyism jigsaw, the comments showed how out of touch they really were. Barry Sheerman joked on twitter: “A good news story at last!”

The night quiet but bright with an almost-full moon, I revelled in a semi-stupor until I fell into a deep slumber only to wake 2 hours later with snippets of dreams flitting through my mind.

References:

i. The Spelling Society: https://www.spellingsociety.org/; http://spellingsociety.org/uploaded_views/traditional-spelling-revised-personal-view.pdf

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 57 – Line of Acronyms

“In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, to contribute to solving overpopulation” (Prince Philip)

Barking Mad

Patches of white lay atop roofs on a sunny Easter Monday. Phil slept in while I exercised and did free puzzles in Metro. After a late breakfast of toasted hot cross buns, I posted blogs, just finishing as the skies turned changeable. Itching to go out, we debated whether to visit town for a burnt snack and the virtual duck race, thought better of it and agreed to escape ‘up tops’ instead. Things became a bit fraught as we prepared to leave the house, and I feared we’d miss the next bus. I needn’t have worried. Although it had sounded quieter than the previous 2 insanely busy days, cars streamed on the main road. A traffic jam stretched to bridge. “That’s people not going to the virtual duck race,” I quipped.

Predictably late as a consequence, a few other passengers rode the bus, all alighting in the first village. We got off at the junction of a country lane where adorable spring lambs eyed us curiously from patchwork fields as we passed. At the farm shop, only one customer was allowed in at a time. I waited to buy pop and we stood in a patch of sun, well away from a couple drinking beer and a picnicking family. A large sow snuffled at straw inside the barn behind us. Manic squealing ensued as a litter of piglets clambered and tugged at each other to feed. Mindful of social distancing, we in turn jockeyed for position with small children and a pair of women also peered over the metal gate to witness the spectacle.

Walking down to the clough, we were chased by dogs where the path crossed farmland. I yelled at the woman who’d appeared near the farmhouse: “It’s not on! This is a public right of way!” Shaken by the encounter, we got off their land as quickly as possible. In the clough, straggling family groups and elderly men impeded our progress to the garlic fields for the second forage of the season.

Proceeding home via the bridleway, a horse rider thanked us for standing on the verge for her to pass. A woman accompanied by 2 kids and 2 spaniels walked the opposite way. “Oh no, it’s the stupidest, craziest of all dog breeds,” Phil tittered. One of the dogs broke from the group and bounded towards us.

Braced for another stressful experience, it veered off the path, apparently chasing a deer. I suggested to the woman she put her dogs on leads. “What?” “You need to put your dogs on leads. There are deer here.” “I live here!” she responded. “Your dog just chased a deer!” “Ooh, scary!” she laughed. Angered by the incident and by inconsiderate dog-owners in general, I asked Phil: “I live here? What the hell does that mean?“ “That she owns the place? “Well, she should care more about the bloody wildlife then, shouldn’t she. Cold-hearted bitch!” Recalling the horse rider, I considered it barking mad that dogs didn’t have to be kept on leads on a bridleway. However, owners were required to control them so they didn’t intimidate animals, or people for that matter, on any public right of way. (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

In the evening, our walking friend texted to ask if we fancied going to another garlic spot the next day. Although we’d just got a pile, I was always up for a new harvesting place and said yes. At bedtime, I was troubled by recurring thoughts of encounters with dogs and the drone of railway engineering works. Hard to sleep, I tried earplugs, then the meditation tape, then the noise suddenly stopped enabling a few fitful hours.

Covid cases dropped 44% and hospitalisations by a quarter in the past week. The Boris Briefing confirmed the next step (or ‘waymark’) on the roadmap would proceed next week. Hairdressers, beer gardens and shops could re-open, with extended hours up to 10 p.m. but social distancing still in place. Covid Status Certification set to be trialled, The Bumbler promised we wouldn’t need them for “the shops, pub garden or hairdressers on Monday.” He stopped short of saying they wouldn’t be required inside pubs in May. 70 MPs set to vote against the Covid Passes, including 40 tories, Rachel Reeves said Labour didn’t see the point with the success of the vaccine programme. Boris made no pledges on travel but confirmed a traffic lights system with more details due later in the week. From Friday, everyone could have 2 tests per week. While we wondered what the point was and where the cash was going, the government said it would be paid for out of the existing TIT budget. So was it a ruse to justify Dildo’s existence? Allyson Pollock of Newcastle University called it a “scandalous waste of money” and warned that as cases fell, false-positives would rise and people forced to needlessly self-isolate.

Egged On

After a freezing night, Tuesday also started sunny and cold with a sprinkling of white. Chores done, we planned an early lunch before meeting our walking friend. Suddenly, small snowflakes started to fall. I rang her to say there was no chance of going garlic-picking and parried her efforts to persuade me otherwise. “I knew something like this would happen,” she said, “I thought one flake of snow, and Mary will cry off.” “And I knew you’d try and talk me into it!” We had a laugh and nattered about her new semi-retired life, antibodies, vaccines, and meeting up soon. As a mixture of wintry showers plagued the afternoon, the temperature plummeted. Glad I’d stood firm, it also gave me chance to catch up on editing photos and writing. The din of night-time engineering was replaced by caterwauling on the street below. Thankfully, it didn’t interfere with sleep as much.

As the blood clot issue re-surfaced, Boris went to the AZ* plant in Macclesfield to be quizzed on concerns the vaccine caused CVT*. He directed us to the MHRA* where studies were ongoing but trials on youngsters were halted. He insisted there was ‘no data’ to suggest deviating from the roadmap out of lockdown while SPI-M* warned of a rise at the final stage in June. The Cock claimed Valneva produced a ‘strong immune response’ although this was only based on a study of 153 people. Cases in Chile rose even though 37% of the population had at least 1 dose of Sinovax. Reportedly due to complacency, travel in or out of the country was banned for a month. Concerns over the Chinese vaccine would emerge later in the week. Australia and NZ* agreed to allow travel between the two without quarantine. Here, Border Force claimed 40% of 40,000 fliers into the UK* and 90% of travellers on Eurostar were tourists. The government denied it. Airline bosses moaned that holidays would ‘costa packet’, with up to 6 PCR* tests required (lab analysis making them better at detecting variants than rapid flow tests). Irene Hays appeared on BBC Breakfast to laud ‘sea-cations’ (aka Brexit cruises). The latest Yorkshire fire entailed a recycling pile in Doncaster – what was it with daft fires in this county?

A similar picture Wednesday, I hoovered, wrote and went to the co-op for a hefty top-up shop. School holidays still on, hordes hithered and dithered in the aisles. Obviously too cold for coffee-cupping today! Already stressed, I swore at a young man behind me at the till who didn’t wait for me to move before slamming a box of beer down on the conveyor belt. I rushed to the end where the cashier asked me if I was alright. “Some people just don’t give a shit,” I complained, to which she nodded. On exiting, I removed my face mask. My specs promptly fell on the pavement making me swear again. Hands full, I struggled to the zebra and glared at a speeding driver. He screeched to a halt. I paused at the corner to sort myself out when Geordie Neighbour approached. We walked and talked back to our street, about the weather and the discomfort of extreme walking. I mentioned the ace job his partner had done on the community garden and told him some of the history of the land; we’d collaborated with a couple of neighbours and councillors to rescue it from auction some years ago. Developing neck pain later, I cursed myself for using dam rucksacks when shopping. A massage and shifting into a more comfy position helped somewhat at bedtime.

The MHRA issued new guidance to not use AZ on those under 30. Though not confirmed it caused clots, Jenny Raine said the evidence was ‘firming up’. An estimated 6,000 lives saved and only 19 deaths out of 20 million vaccines given, The EMA* wanted the ‘very rare side effects’ listed on packs and people with blood disorders to consult their doctor. JCVI’s* Anthony Harnden assured us detection of the possible link showed the ‘yellow card’ system worked and it was no more risky than pregnancy, taking the contraceptive pill, or taking a long-haul flight. As the SNP* and Labour ruled out backing proposals on Covid Passes, Keir called messaging a mess: “only a few weeks ago the prime minister was saying he was thinking of vaccine passports to go to the pub – now he says isn’t. One day he’s talking about tests – then certificates. It’s a complete mess.” Ian Blackford added: “the tory position has been mired in confusion and contradiction.” CRG* deputy chair Steve Baker warned the proposed document would lead to a “miserable dystopia of Checkpoint Britain.” However, domestic certificates would likely be wrapped up with nigh inevitable international covid passports, to garner more votes. With only 8% of Brazilians vaccinated, the P1 variant led to 4,000 deaths in a day. More transmissible and infecting young people, it spread throughout South America and across the globe. Deliveroo denied IWGB* claims that hundreds took part in strike action, saying their drivers were happy. Shares rose slightly after a shaky start last week.

Another boring day, Thursday I aimed to do yoga in the afternoon but by the time a heap of chores were done, I’d had enough and lay down to rest instead. The roses Phil bought me at Easter had bloomed into a fabulous floral splendour, providing a splash of colour to a dull midweek.

18,000 new trains were arriving in time for Monday’s non-essential shopping trips. A study of 150,000 people indicated jabs broke the link between Covid and death but the number of hearts on the wall alongside St. Thomas’ Hospital still grew. It was odd I didn’t ever walk that way when I worked there many moons ago. Philippine president Duerte shielded from his staff who all had Covid. As ‘the troubles’ rumbled on, Stormont held an emergency sitting and Brad Lewis went to Belfast for urgent talks. Wednesday night, a bus was hijacked and burnt, and factions clashed either side of a gate on the so-called peace wall, between Shankill Road and Springfield Road. Teenagers threw missiles and petrol bombs. PSNI* fired rubber bullets and water cannons, just like the old days. The next night, community workers formed a human chain to prevent rioters reaching the gate at Lanark Way. Commentators cited a number of causes including a backlash against an IRA funeral last summer, the Brexit border in the Irish Sea and ‘increased rancour in the political sphere’. Loyalists were accused of egging on rioting youths. Interviewed on BBC news, a young man called Joel said people saw Sinn Fein winning and Loyalists under attack.

Adding to the 4 known forces of physics (gravity, electromagnetism, the strong force and the weak force) a new one was allegedly found. When muons were fired into a circular magnetic track, they wobbled. The elliptical result prompted Phil to call them ‘eggons’. The STFC* said it gave: “strong evidence for the existence of an undiscovered sub-atomic particle or new force” but not conclusive proof. Smiley Prof. Brian Cox enthused: “It would be the biggest discovery in particle physics for many years.” Shamelessly touting his upcoming Horizons tour, I laughed: “he’s nicked Count Arthur Strong’s idea. Well, that’s one way of dealing with merciless piss-taking!”

The Final Wipe-Down

Starting to feel ill the night before, I tried a few stretches Friday morning before succumbing to the inevitable. Back in bed, I worked on the laptop to post a composite of the last 2 foraging trips on Cool Places. Phil worked downstairs, brought me lunch and went to the co-op for weekend supplies. Hoping to catch afternoon quiz shows, I turned the telly on to discover that Prince Philip had died. Incessant news coverage ensued, leading to 1000,000 official complaints. I whinged to an empty room. Accepting they had to do this stuff, I didn’t see why it had to be on all the channels, all the time. The endless cycle of toadying didn’t even include any of the Duke of Edinburgh’s famous gaffes (see example above).

Launching his ‘framework for travel’, Shats used classic double-speak, NOT saying don’t book foreign holidays. The DfT* refused to confirm they’d be allowed from 17^th May, said there’d be an initial assessment early May and a review 28^th June to see if ‘measures could be rolled back’. Shats admitted PCR tests were expensive and was trying to bring costs down. Jet2 extended the suspension of flights until June due to a lack of clarity. As UCL* modelling predicted herd immunity would be reached in time for pub and shop re-opening Monday, Debenhams was holding a fire sale at 97 stores. Vaccine hesitancy amongst ethnic minorities reportedly dropped to 6%, the Kent virus was now dominant in the USA*, and Slovakia said the Russian Sputnik V vaccine was rubbish.

I managed a few hours kip that night but woke in the early light at 6.00 a.m. Car doors slammed and people prattled inanely. Either the shed people or the flat residents had apparently been to an all-nighter.

Still ailing at the weekend, I only ventured downstairs for short spells. Most of the time, I sat abed, writing and watching telly. BBC 1 still showed interminable coverage of the dead duke including a noon gun salute and a remembrance service, but at least it wasn’t all the channels like Friday. Saturday, I tried to ignore the unremitting chatter of the flat residents in their garden. On his return from shopping, I told Phil it was doing my nut in and suspected it was them I’d heard coming home at 6.00 a.m. “We used to be like that when we were young,” he reminded me. “Yes, but not in a time of Covid!”

Sunday began startlingly bright as overnight snowfall dramatically reflected a blue sky. It was beautiful but hurt my eyes, especially as I attempted to capture the stunning scene on camera. By the time we’d bathed and breakfasted, most of the snow had melted. It became grey and cold as the sun went in. Freezing and achy, I went back to bed and draft-posted the next instalment of the journal. More snow fell later, but the soggy flakes didn’t stick. Although not unusual to have wintry showers in April, I’d never known it snow this late before.

Phil ventured to the convenience store in a clear spell, reporting town inevitably busy in anticipation of pubs opening in the morning. News media dubbed it ‘the final wipe-down’ and featured extra outdoor seating sprawled across pub carparks and pavements. “It’s all looking a bit medieval,” he laughed. Inspired to mock the latest government campaigns, my spoof poster only got one laugh on Facebook – what was wrong with people?

I stayed up to watch Line of Duty – or Line of Acronyms as we now called it – just about keeping apace of the lingo as they prated about AC-12, CHIS, OCG and MIT*. I returned to bed with a heavy head as though a weight pressed down above my eyes. The drone of railway engineering works again mitigated attempts to sleep. Using earplugs and the meditation tape, I eventually dropped into fractious slumber.

As vaccinations reached 32m and 7.5m had 2 doses, Phil said only 7 people died of Covid. I agreed that seemed negligible, but figures at the weekend were always lower due to reporting lags. George Fu Gao, head of the CCDCI* said something needed to be done to address the poor efficacy of Sinovax, just above 50%. After his comments went viral, social media posts were deleted and Gao later claimed his comments were misinterpreted.

Rishi’s text replies to David Camoron on the Greensill issue were published; he was ‘pushing for alternatives’ but with ‘no guarantees.’ It then emerged that in 2019, the ex-PM lobbied for Greensill to be given NHS contracts. Drinks with Matt Cock were apparently ‘a social occasion’ so didn’t have to be reported, and broke no rules. Would that be the rules Camoron drew up? He later said he should have used the proper channels. Labour replied that if rules weren’t broken, it was because they weren’t strict enough. In advance of publication Thursday, former tory minister Alan Duncan’s memoirs had already been serialised in The Daily Mail. He hilariously called The Glove-Puppet an unctuous freak, Gavin Salesman a venomous self-seeking little shit, Nasty Patel a nightmare, and The Bumbler an embarrassing buffoon.

*Lines of acronyms:

AZ – Astra-Zeneca

CVT – Cerebral Venous Thrombosis

MHRA – Medicines and Health Products Regulatory Agency

SPI-M – Scientific Pandemic Influenza Group on Modelling

NZ – New Zealand

UK – United Kingdom

PCR – Polymerase Chain Reaction

EMA – European Medicines Agency

JCVI – Joint Committee for Immunisation and Vaccination

SNP – Scottish Nationalist Party

CRG – Covid Recovery Group

IWGB – Independent Workers of Great Britain

PSNI – Police Service Northern Ireland

STFC – Science and Technology Facilities Council

DFT – Department for Transport

UCL – University College London

USA – United Sates of America

AC (as in AC-12) – Anti Corruption

CHIS – Covert Human Intelligence Source

OCG – Organised Crime Group

MIT – Murder Investigation Team

CCDCI – Chinese Centre for Disease Control and Infection

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 51 – Magic, Mayhem and Mystery

“Boris Johnson appears to have finally learned a lesson about the dangers of overpromising and underdelivering” (Devi Sridhar)

Magic Monday

Very achy at the start of the week, it was a struggle to get up. A typical Monday mired in nasty jobs was brightened somewhat when I took the rubbish out by sightings of the sun and several neighbours. Exchanging pleasantries with the woman next door, the elderly couple emerged for a stroll. We compared health notes. She’d unfortunately had another fall but celebrated her birthday with balloons and an opera singer performing outside. I’d heard nothing from my sickbed on the other side of the house. Phil later said he had. “She must have been good, it sounded like a recording.” “It’s a pity the rest of the terrace didn’t know. We could have stood on our doorsteps to enjoy the magic.” Enquiring if they’d had the jab, he had. She declared “no chance!” “Oh come on! If they wanted to put chips in us, they’d have done it decades ago. And anyway, Google can already track you.” Chuckling, he said: “I’ve told her, who’d want to track us?” “Good point!” I laughed

Forcing myself to rise again on Tuesday, Phil offered to take on the chores. But fed up with so much time in bed, I persevered with cleaning, writing and a trip to the co-op – not too stressful for once. Paying at the kiosk, my member’s card did a vanishing trick. An old acquaintance appeared just in time to indicate its location on the floor. Aching from the heavy load, I rested in the afternoon which helped my back but not my brain.

As deaths were down almost a quarter, a PHS study found ‘spectacular’ hospitalisation reductions of 94% after a dose of the Oxford/AZ vaccine, 85% for Pfizer and 75% in the over 80’s. Schools in Wales and Scotland re-started and Sturgeon announced the ‘stay at home order’ would end north of the border on 5^th April with a return to the system of levels.

The anticipated roadmap out of lockdown dominated English news. Following a Commons session, Boris gave a Monday evening press briefing. Calling the 4-step plan a ‘one way road to freedom’, but undertaken ‘with utmost care’ with 5 weeks between each step to assess the effect on 4 ‘safety tests’ (numbers vaccinated, effectiveness in reducing hospitalisation and death, rates of infection, and emergence of mutants strains). He promised no tiers or curfews but said regional lockdowns were an option to supress surges. Warning of ‘trade-offs’ with more deaths and hospital cases, he maintained there was no such thing as a ‘Covid-free Britain’ and we’d have to live with it like flu. I reflected on the lack of a flu season during the winter. That didn’t happen by magic. Had they learnt nothing from the reduction in touching and breathing on each other? Saying they’d be ‘lead by the data, not dates’, The Bumbler proceeded to reel off a list of dates for each step:

Step 1 – 8^th March – schools and colleges to open with twice-weekly testing and masks for secondary pupils. Students on practical university courses could return but the rest would stay on-line, to be reviewed at Easter. We could have a ‘coffee on a bench’ with 1 other person and 1 regular visitor would be allowed for care home residents.

29^th March – The ‘stay at home’ order ended but we should still keep local. We could meet as groups of 6 or as 2 households outdoors, including private gardens. Outdoor sport and playgroups could resume, capped at 15 participants. There was no mention of going to the office or using public transport.

Step 2 – 12^th April – non-essential shops, gyms and salons would re-open, pubs and restaurants could serve alcohol outdoors and self-catering domestic overnight stays were permitted, including camping. Outdoor venues like zoos and theme parks, indoor play areas, libraries and community centres could also open.

Step 3 – 17^th May – indoor mixing of 6 people or 2 households and up to 30 people outdoors, was permitted. All hospitality, cinemas, theatres, concert halls and sports venues could open, with half-capacity crowds. Adult sport and indoor classes were allowed. Hotels and B&Bs could open and foreign holidays may be possible.

Step 4 – 21^st June – all legal limits on social contact would be removed thus enabling greater indoor mixing, nightclubbing and larger events such as festivals. There was no mention of face coverings or social-distancing rules, although a review was planned.

There’d be pilots of larger crowds and consideration of a ‘Covid Status Certification’ for international travel, later muted to include access to pubs as well as planes. Foreign holiday bookings jumped 7-fold overnight. As The Bumbler confirmed Tuesday that the Glove-puppet would lead the review, he said he was optimistic but “nothing can be guaranteed.” Mike Tildesley warned: “There are certain areas (inner city, deprived)…where vaccine uptake is not high… if we do get these pockets of infection…we could have a more significant risk.”

4 scientists responded in The Guardian. Devi Sridhar said while Boris had finally learned a lesson on overpromising and underdelivering, there were still problems to overcome. She advocated a measles approach to public health, involving vaccines, mass testing and supported isolation. “The imminent risk now is the full return of schools on 8^th March leading to uncontrolled transmission.” Jennifer Dowd of Oxford University added opening schools with little mitigation in place was risky.

SPI-M’s Graham Medley maintained: “Balancing the amount of social contact with the speed of the vaccine roll-out will allow us to exit the epidemic with minimal damage from now on. This will not be the end of Covid-19, and there will be more twists in the tale. But the next few months will be a key step in learning how to live with it.” SPI-B’s Stephen Reicher intoned: “whether this roadmap will ensure an ‘irreversible’ lifting of restrictions is again found in the detail.” A sustainable long-term strategy always was ‘and is still’ lacking. He advocated other measures besides vaccinations including improved TIT, resources to self-isolate, common standards to make places ‘Covid safe’ and proper border controls.ⁱⁱ

Merry Mayhem

I awoke far too early on Wednesday, fatigued and slightly nasal. Phil also felt a bit ill. After a dose of Echinacea, I got going on life admin and writing. During my siesta, I succeeded in 10 minutes’ mindfulness, promptly expelled copious amounts of wind and felt much better all round. Had I expelled stress too? A much better night-time sleep confirmed the theory.

Keir Starmer was exacerbated by another PMQs ‘with no answers’. Quizzed on financial support, Boris called Kier a ‘rocking stool’, said his agenda was ‘paltry’ and advised he wait for next week’s budget. Ian Blackford wanted to know if there’d be another decade of tory austerity. Boris didn’t answer and deflected the question to rant about the SNP wanting to break up Britain.

Following a campaign by DJ Jo Wiley, some people with learning disabilities would be prioritised in the vaccine queue. It was up to GPs to identify them. Neil Ferguson idiotically predicted the ‘road map’ end-date might be sooner than 21^st June if the vaccine roll-out exceeded expectations. Van Dam disagreed: “I don’t want to blow it.” USA deaths reached 500,000 but their vaccine programme was progressing at last. Gwyneth Poltroon shared barmy treatments for long-Covid including ‘intuitive fasting’ and infrared saunas. Top NHS Prof. Stephen Powis diplomatically said her methods were “not really the solutions we’d recommend.” Latitude, Reading and Leeds summer festivals were going ahead. Would revellers need a jab passport? What about under 18’s who weren’t inoculated? It could be a merry mayhem of a Covid-fest!

Thursday was altogether much cheerier. We both felt much better and sun streamed through the windows. Phil helped clear cobwebs dangling from the bedroom ceiling. I spent the rest of the day drafting an article for Valley Life magazineⁱⁱⁱ, adding layers to the Photoshop collage, and going to the market. No queue at the fish van but a limited choice reminded me of Phil’s experience a couple of weeks ago when there was an absence of shellfish. The Fishmonger blamed the famine on Rick Stein telling everyone to eat it now it wasn’t getting to Europe. One of the veg stalls stocked fabled rhubarb from the magical triangle. The sticks fell out of my bag near the riverside steps. Stopping to re-pack, coffee-cuppers and whooping toddlers made me anxious. In spite of my efforts, they fell out again. A hipster behind me said “you need that.” “Indeed. Ever since it was featured on Sunday Brunch, I’ve been thinking: rhubarb!” Emerging from a late afternoon rest, Phil immediately shut the curtains against the dusk as the temperature plummeted.

The alert level down from 5 to 4, the NHS was at less risk of being overwhelmed. The Queen appeared on zoom and advised people to think of others, but didn’t say they were selfish for not having the jab, as the Daily Mail screamed in typical melodramatic style. Emergence of the SA variant in Ealing led to surge testing while Moderna’s tweaked vaccine could be available soon.

Teachers welcomed school catch-up funding to include summer schools, but wanted a longer-term strategy. Teacher assessments were confirmed in place of exams. With tests optional, some warned of inflated grades. Against a backdrop of rising unemployment, The TUC said it was twice as high among the BAME community compared to whites. Asda announced a ‘structural shift’ due to more internet shopping and less cash use, threatening 5,000 jobs, but 4,500 new online jobs were promised. Dodds said councils should be allowed to take over empty shops. Evil tech villain Musk’s skylink provided super-fast broadband in rural areas at an astronomical £89 per month. It sounded spookily like Skynet in The Terminator. Question Time sparked debate on jab passports. What was to stop businesses having their own? Shats tried to defend The Cock’s claim there was never a shortage of PPE, even though we all remembered the mayhem in over-stretched and under-resourced hospitals. Jo Grady called it blatantly misleading.

An almost-full bright moon mitigated against sleep. Even with use of the meditation soundtrack, my slumber was disjointed. Thus I rose later than planned on Friday and had to get a move on to be ready for the Ocado delivery. Unloading a pile of cans and bottles, the driver observed: “Not many people order Mateus.” “Did you know it was the very first rose wine? “Really? My mum used to drink it.” “She’s probably my age then!” Feeling old, I struggled to get the bags to the kitchen, even with Phil’s help carrying the heaviest. “He sounded like a right Rupert.” “I guess he’s had to redeploy with all the hipster bars shut.” Exhausted, I collapsed on the sofa.

Unfortunately, I still needed some stuff for the weekend. Hoping to find treats for Phil’s birthday in the co-op, I declined his offer to accompany me. “After all, grocery shops are virtually the only place I can get your presents.” “I don’t mind extra food.” “It’s a good job!” Searching for items, I saw notices on the egg shelf denoting continuation of the cardboard shortage. I asked my mate at the kiosk if could put the trolley-load through. He apologetically but understandably refused. Avoiding an altercation with the cowbag, cashier, I used the adjacent till.

A lorry at shed boy’s place blocked the steps so I trudged the longer way home. Alerted by the evening news to the appearance of a full Snow Moon, we paused film-night to take photos outside. Phil provided expert tips resulting in superior shots to any of my previous efforts.

Unions blasted the decision not to bump police and teachers up the vaccination priority list. Chair of the Police Federation John Apter said: “This is a very deep and damaging betrayal and will not be forgotten.” Was that a threat? Would there be mayhem on un-patrolled streets? Paul Whiteman, NAHT, whinged: “the government has let them (teachers) down at every turn.” Wei Shem Lin of JCV defended sticking to age criteria: “structuring an entire mass vaccination programme around occupations would be even more difficult.”

In an appeal brought by the Home Office, The Supreme Court ruled that ISIS child-bride Shamima Begum would pose a security risk if she was allowed into the country to appeal against having her British citizenship withdrawn. David Davis tweeted it was a ‘disappointing verdict…the UK cannot simply wash our hands of Brits in Syrian camps’. Quite. And why couldn’t they put measures in place to ensure she wasn’t a threat?

Due to a late night, I had a wobbly start on Saturday and stayed in to finish the collage. Phil went to the shop. He was gone so long I got worried and tried ringing but the call went straight to voicemail. When he rang back, I couldn’t pick up! By the time we spoke, he was almost home. He’d unfathomably gone to town instead of the co-op as I’d assumed, dodging coffee-cuppers and queuing in the convenience store. Due to the delay, dinner prep had to start as soon as we’d had lunch. To compound matters, he said he’d cook but I ended up doing most of it, including rhubarb crumble.

Mystery Unsolved

Sunday, I awoke early to blinding brightness then fell back to sleep until 10. On opening the curtains, the roofs looked white and shiny. Confused, it transpired I’d just missed an intense but brief hailstorm. Wanting to go for a walk in the sun, we bathed and breakfasted as quickly as possible. However, it was past 2 when we were ready. I took some recycling out and spotted a child’s ball in the gutter. Kicking it back to dad, he was surrounded by kids, even though he only had one (to my knowledge) thus not all from the same household.

Walking out in the spring-like warmth, we greeted a neighbour sitting in her back garden. Continuing my research into vaccine take-up, she didn’t know when her invite was due. As she was in our age group, I was able to tell her it would be soon.

On the towpath, Phil commented on the emergence of aging drinkers on benches. “They come out of hibernation around now, like the buds.” Very busy in the park, I observed. “Those native Americans knew a thing or two about the Snow Moon signalling the end of winter.” We climbed up to farmland, finding the fields largely devoid of livestock. We noticed ridges on the slope and a man-made water feature at the bottom for the first time. Subsequently consulting an old map, the site was marked ‘mill pond’ and a mill labelled nearby – a reminder that every opportunity was taken to exploit the landscape in more industrial times. Further up, a decrepit border collie lumbered past. A woman with her own dog asked was it ours. “We assumed it belonged to the farm.” “No, it doesn’t.” As another woman stopped her car, they made a phone call to locate the owner. They obviously all knew each other up there! Resting on a bench at the next corner, a veritable herd of old sheepdogs appeared, this time corralled by their owners. On the way down, we veered off cobbles to cut through the west side of the dark wood. Among the curious arrangements we’d seen in August, we noted several stones of a distinct blue hue with surfaces resembling bubbles. Was it brought here by druids from Wales? We also spotted a painted stone in the hollow of a tree base, deliberately planted holly and makeshift hutments. “Someone believes this place is mystical.” The path became tricky on the last stretch with squelchy mud and a strange channel barely big enough for one foot. Nearing home, skinny catkins sprouted from spindly branches above the river. Inordinately tired after the short walk, we agreed it had been lovely to see signs emerging of the turning of the seasons. (for a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’^iv).

During a mediocre night, Covid dreams featured tenements randomly populated by strangers and friends. I inexplicably took a pizza to Vegan Friend. She ate it before I realised it wasn’t vegan!

Over the weekend, the numbers receiving vaccinations reached 20m. Between them, the EU, UK, USA, Australia, Canada and Japan had 1bn extra doses. Over 100 poorer countries had none. PHE found 6 cases of the F1 Manaus variant; 3 each in Scotland and England, 1 of whom was a mystery – they’d failed to fully complete the form rendering them uncontactable.

In Yorkshire, a family was found camping on the edge of a cliff on The Cleveland Way. Lambasted by coastguards, the police were alerted to a breach of Coronavirus Laws.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Guardian article: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/feb/22/england-covid-roadmap-lockdown-experts-view

iii. Valley Life Magazine: http://valleylifemagazine.co.uk/

iv. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 50 – Eggs-tra Terrestrial

“It is outrageous, frankly. This is the sort of behaviour – giving contracts to you pub landlord and your best mates – that you would expect in a banana republic” (David Lammy)

Is it a Nebula?

Unfortunately, the omens proved accurate. After a wobbly start Monday, I admitted defeat and returned to bed with the characteristic sinus symptoms. I wrote and posted blogs while Phil catered. Due to copious amounts of herbs, the soup he made for dinner was a lot tastier than my creations. “You’re too cautious” he observed astutely.

Vaccine invites were sent to the over 65’s and UKHospitality nicked Dodd’s idea. A letter to Rishi Rich urged extending the 5% VAT and business rate holiday into the next financial year. 60 CRG members signed a letter demanding the PM ended lockdown by April. Boris responded he would stick to the plan for a ‘cautious but irreversible’ easing, providing target dates with a caveat that plans would be delayed if necessary. Stephen Reicher of SPI-B* warned “people begin to be hopeless and helpless” if given dates weren’t met and advised providing information on positive action. While a third of social care staff still hadn’t had a shot, an Israeli study found infections dropped 94% with the Pfizer vaccine. The Cock wanted hard data, not just trial stats, that they reduced the spread by almost 2 thirds. The government considered a jab passport, muted to be for travel, not going to the pub or shops. Sage bod Rob Dingwall spluttered: “the idea you have to have a passport to go round Tesco is just ludicrous.”

Mike Tildesley said there was no evidence “to suggest that school attendance is a significant driver of outbreaks in the community,” but needed careful monitoring when pupils returned. Explaining further on Newsnight alongside fellow eggheads Prof Christina Pagel (UCL) and Wonky Doctor, he added: “March should be about children” and the effect on the R number assessed before shops opened. He also suggested foreign holidays were a no-no in 2021 but domestic ones may be possible ‘with caution’. He agreed with Wonky Doctor’s call to scale up immunisations in urban areas and use mobile vans to increase uptake in deprived communities. She acknowledged local leaders had a part to play but the government needed to support them, not merely delegate responsibility. Pagel said infections had to be suppressed to prevent new variants rising, and there was no such thing as ‘an acceptable death rate’ this year. She wanted a measles approach (the disease eliminated and outbreaks dealt with when they arose), rather than an influenza approach and interestingly observed the lack of a flu season anywhere in the world during the past year. Was a Covid-free future possible? The local Covid support group seemed to think so. They’d launched a petition calling for ‘zero Covid’.

On Shrove Tuesday, the first red letter day since new year, I felt slightly better on waking, performed a few stretches, opened the curtains then had a wobble and collapsed on the bed. Charles Bonnet syndrome featured on BBC Breakfast. “Is that what you’ve got?” I asked Phil, referring to his sight issue. “I wouldn’t admit it if I did.” Affecting a camp pose worthy of Count Arthur, he shrieked: “Ooh! I’m Charles Bonnet!” Work on the journal took most of the day. During afternoon quiet time, the onset of rain signalled a drop in temperature. I lay under the covers waiting for the heating to come on before getting coffee and bonus cream cake Phil found in the co-op’s reduced section. Making traditional pancakes for dinner, they created swirly patterns as they cooked. One resembled a nebula. I posted a picture on Facebook prompting the comment it was eggs-tra terrestrial. Why didn’t I think of that!

Another Planet

Covid cases down 15% in the past week, 1:5 now had antibodies meaning 8m people were resistant to the virus. David Speigelhalter of Cambridge University called it: “extraordinary…with the vaccine starting to kick in, we’re really seeing a very rapid fall.” Clive Dix of The Vaccine Task Force said all adults would probably get both jabs by the end of summer. AZ trials on 6-17 year olds began, in Oxford, London, Bristol and Southampton. Similar experiments took place using Pfizer and Moderna in the US. The government told an extra 1.7m English citizens to shield. “Who?” I asked. “It’s obviously crowd control,” responded Phil. Wondering if it was a ruse to contain overweight men, Prof Hayward came on Newsnight to tell us the ‘Q Covid’ algorithm was “very sophisticated”. “I’m sure it is,” Phil muttered cynically. A day after traveller quarantine started, PHE found 38 cases of a new ‘variant under investigation’ (B.1.525; possibly Nigerian). More surge tests began in Norfolk, Southampton, Surrey and Manchester. Border force were allegedly given advice a mere 7 hours before implementation of the new rules. It’s a disgrace!” The PCS cried.

The government belatedly published information on their website about a possible extra £1,200 charge for people in Q hotels who tested positive. 4 arrivals at Birmingham airport were fined £10k each for lying about their country of origin but not imprisoned.

The IFS advised furlough end gradually and changes to Universal Credit stay put, but VAT, income tax and National Insurance may have to rise to pay for the pandemic. In Myanmar, Suu Kyi was newly charged under article 25 of the country’s Natural Disaster Management Law. Used to prosecute breaches of Covid laws, the politics of the country seemed as remote as those of another planet.

Still bedridden Wednesday, work on the journal proved interminable. I switched to online shopping, at last finding an Ocado delivery slot. Not due until a week Friday, at least I got to use a wine voucher, which I’d almost forgotten about and had to retrieve from the e-mail bin.

During quiet time, I was unable to relax then my phone rang. The local Covid support group asked if I wanted a volunteer to come round with soup and a sandwich. Not in need of such a kind offer, I politely declined. I also wondered how it worked, given physical space issues. Adding their number to contacts, I tried to link 3 for Elder Sis, ringing her by accident. There was no answer. She called back later but the connection dropped out. Switching to WhatsApp, we compared notes on coping with lockdown and not yet being invited for inoculation.

Phil joked he was going to the Covid Arms. “There must be one round here. People are stupid enough.” The only one I heard of was in a makeshift garage in Dudley, not far from a nightclub in Birmingham. Local news reported house parties in Scarborough. We agreed they were all a bit of a trek.

In a Human Challenge Trial, 90 healthy young adults, aged 19-30, would be injected with a tiny amount of the original virus strain at The Royal Free Hospital. Dix said: “we expect these studies to offer unique insights into how the virus works and…which promising vaccines offer the best chance of preventing the infection.” The EU set to approve Janssens’ version, ex-Brexit co-ordinator Guy Verhofstadt wrote in the EU Observer: “Europe is the world leader in vaccine production (over 75%)…nevertheless there is a crucial lack of supply…contracts are extremely unbalanced…” He went on to lambast the use of article 16 as: “a diplomatic disaster…(which) destroyed in a few seconds the seriousness of the negotiations with the UK, conducted by Michel Barnier for more than 3 years.” He advocated a separate European agency, as I suggested weeks ago. The latest Handforth Paris Council meeting got 3,000 viewers on YouTube. Jackie Weaver absent, hecklers were chucked off. Mount Etna erupted, covering villages in rocks and ash. Snow covered 3 quarters of America. A polar bear rolled about in the white stuff and frozen turtles had to be warmed up in Texas, where the state governor was lambasted for going to sunny Florida on his jollies. On her last day as Child Commissioner, Anne Longfield demanded a ‘Covid Covenant’ with children at the heart.

Feeling no better on a blustery Thursday, I finally finished work on the journal and wrote Polar Trek for Cool Placesⁱ. Phil went out, to the shop not the Covid Arms, seeing no coffee-cuppers at all.

Surge testing was planned in Harehills and other areas of Leeds where the SA variant had emerged. An Imperial College React study found infections were down to 1:200 (but higher in younger people), suggesting lockdown was working. Prof. Paul Elliot but disagreed with Prof. Pagel: “through contact tracing you can really keep control of the virus but it’s unlikely we’re going to get a situation like in New Zealand where it’s essentially Covid-free.” Facebook went to war on Australia, blocking news and Coronavirus info sites, in a spat over paying for content – who did they think they were?

NASA’s Perseverance rover landed on the red planet to investigate evidence of extra-terrestrial life. It endearingly tweeted “I’m safe on Mars’. Kier gave a major speech to an empty space, talking of a ‘moral crusade’ to address inequalities and injustices. Comparing current times to the post-war period, he referred to a ‘mood in the air’ and said “(Britain’s) collective sacrifice must lead to a better future.” The only concrete idea reported was recovery bonds to give people ‘a stake in the future’. Tory Chair Milling called it a bunch of second-hand ideas and ‘empty rhetoric’. On QT, debate centred on the plague. Liberal Layla Moran borrowed the phrase ‘no hokey-cokey’ from a questioner and referred to the Brazilian or Manaus variant or P1, re-infecting people. Prof. of Public Health Linda Bauld, said suppression was achievable leading to less risk of future mutants. Mark Harper of CRG insisted the economy open up on 8^th March after the top priority groups had their first jab and Peter Borg-Neal of Oakman Inns claimed the rate went down in summer when pubs were operating. “No, it didn’t you liar!” I shouted at the telly, “we were under local restrictions for most of it! what planet are you on?”

Alien Invasion

Friday, I switched from writing to Photoshop, executing another idea for a collage while Phil fetched and carried. I managed the evening downstairs to eat pizza, drink some wine and watch films.

The ONS said the R rate was now 0.9 and infections were at 1:115, less than the React study. The Supreme Court ruled that Uber drivers should class as employees. With huge implications for the gig economy, union lawyers called for clarity between the bona-fide self-employed and ‘contractors’. Government borrowing hit £8.8bn in January 2020, leading to a total state debt of an astronomical £2,114.6bn.

I succeeded in a few hours out of bed on Saturday, but after expunging dust from the bedroom, stayed there to work on Photoshop. Going back down for lunch, I stayed up to cook and eat dinner. Thanks to a few gins, I enjoyed quite a good sleep to awake on Sunday feeling refreshed.

Rhubarb from the mysterious triangle featured on Sunday Brunch. We decided to try and source some at the farmer’s market. Crossing the old bridge, we found the riverside and square infested by non-locals, evidenced by a jam-packed carpark. Coffee-drinking and pizza-eating abounded. Weaving carefully to the knobbly veg stall, we made a few purchases but alas, no rhubarb. Stunned by the milling about, we retreated to a back wall. Several police and other officials patrolled but appeared ineffectual. “What are they meant to do?“ Phil asked. “Stop people on the road before they get into town!” I retorted. I ill-advisedly followed him on a whizz round the rest of market. Fraught, we crossed to the cash machine and chatted to an old pal who worked at the convenience store about the Covid madness until her lift arrived. Going back the shortest route, we watched Canada Geese unusually swimming upstream in the river rather than paddling in the still waters of the canal and climbed up the inn’s fire escape for views of rooftops and a rising moon. Nearer home, we noted the emergence of spring flowers and the first honeybee of the year, but suspected the snowdrop it harvested was an alien species. I’d already spotted tree buds across the valley and crocuses in our window box, but hadn’t seen the veritable field invading next door’s garden. Exhausted and stressed from all the dodging, I collapsed on the sofa. At least I got out of the house. I only hoped we weren’t infected by the horde of Covidiots! Recovering with coffee, I edited photos and wrote a haigaⁱⁱ.

17.5m (a third of the adult population) had received at least 1 jab. While the Metro predicted we’d be inoculated by mid-March, the government now said it would be mid-April for the over 55’s. Easyjet announced virtual lessons for 7-10 year olds as part of the Amy Johnson initiative. The Good Law Project had started a case against The Scumbag’s mates Public Front, awarded focus group contracts. The ex-aide predictably denied cronyism. The Cock subsequently appeared on Marr to gainsay a High Court ruling that there was a lack of transparency when giving contracts to tory chums and lied about the wonderful job they did of supplying the NHS with PPE at the start of the pandemic. “People can make up their own minds.” Err, we have, you knobhead! You must think we have goldfish brains! David Lammy decried giving contracts to mates and the local pub landlord as resembling a banana republic. The Cock admitted to uncertainty over the effectiveness of vaccines against the SA variant. One case found in Brentwood, Essex, surge testing started. As Israeli bars opened, ‘green passes’ had to be shown to gain entry. A few clues on the exit road map for England emerged , but that would have to wait…

*SPI-B – Scientific Influenza Group on Behaviours

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

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