Part 99 – Culture Club

“We have got a prime minister who seems to be stoking the anger that people feel in the country at the moment, and that can have real repercussions for society” (Kim Leadbeater)

Lovely Jubbly!

Tossing and turning not helped by beeping dumper trucks in the early hours, I felt terrible Monday and Phil’s silly pixie crab dances made me dizzy. Half-dressed, I took the breakfast tray down, cleared a lake near the sink and took coffee up while Phil carried my laptop. Apart from assembling rubbish for him to put out and meals, I stayed abed, posted the haigaⁱ and journal, and worked on the next episode.

Sir John Bell of Ox Vax blamed scientists and politicians who discredited Astra-Zeneca for hundreds of thousands of deaths. Carrie Antionette issued a statement that she ‘plays no role in government’ and Boris’ ‘enemies’ targeted her in a ‘brutal briefing campaign’. Goblin Saj called the attacks misogynistic. In personnel changes, her special adviser mate, Henry Newman, left Downing Street as new director of communications Gutu Harri conspicuously walked in with healthy snacks, policy director Andrew Griffiths said voters wanted tories to “return rapidly to the point when we can cut taxes,” and chief of staff Steve Barclay juggled 3 jobs. The Torygraph reported the treasury held up the NHS covid recovery plan. In a sham show of unity, Boris and Rishi went to Maidstone Hospital, denied a rift and promised ‘tough targets’ with cancer diagnoses within 28 days. Australia open to the vaccinated from 21^st February, there’d be no Novax!

Having made bail after a court appearance last week, Piers Corbyn led a band of anti-vax acolytes to Westminster, conflating nonsense about Julian Assange and Jimmy Savile. Keir was bundled into a cop car, 2 arrested for chucking a traffic cone and Boris still refused to apologise for the Savile slur. The mob waved Canadian flags in support of the truckers. Growing from a 500-strong Freedom Convoy into a wider protest, Justin Trudeau left Ottawa with a state of emergency, and a 10 day injunction on horn-blowing. Speculating on why we never saw Jeremy and Piers Corbyn together, we invented Conspiracy Man! A day after the queen reached 70 years on the throne, gun salutes fired across the country and Wholesale Clearance bought a bunch of misprinted commemorative Chinese crockery. In a nice cultural reference, they encouraged us to “Become an Only Fools and Horses fan and wow your friends with your Lovely Jubbly set!”

Evening Prime viewing disrupted by internet issues, lots of fiddling ensued. I returned to bed to watch Newsnight. Arguments that re-starting fracking after mothballing in 2019 would help volatile energy prices were questioned in a global gas market. Greedy bastard BP then announced record profits for 2021 of £9.5 billion. Labour renewed calls for a windfall tax. BP said they would invest in alternatives. UKhospitality predicted restaurant and pub prices would rise by 11%. Was that because pay in the sector went up 12%?

Cancel Culture

As Chris Witless wrote to unvaccinated health staff it was their duty to have a jab, Goblin Saj belatedly presented the covid recovery plan, revealing record NHS waiting lists could reach 14 million and wouldn’t drop for 2 years. In a mini cabinet reshuffle, Chris Heaton-Harris became chief whip, Mark Spencer moved to leader of the house despite the islamophobia investigation, and Rees-Moggy laughably became minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency. Heather Wheeler became parliamentary sec., Wendy Morton transport minister and George Uncleverly bafflingly switched from North American to European minister while in Washington! Lindsay Hoyle asked The Met for a situation report on the Corbyn mob ambush and repeated rebukes to a nigh-empty commons for careless talk, saying ‘we should always be mindful’ our words have consequences. An ‘incredibly angry and upset’ Kim Leadbeater said the PM stoked anger with ‘real repercussions for society’. At the Convention of the North in Liverpool, The Glove-Puppet doubted the ‘trickle down’ approach helped areas outside the ‘overheated’ South East. Yorkists decried a skinny Levelling Up document and how long it took to cross The Pennines. Quizzed on the integrated rail plan, Glove-puppet thought it a fair point. Mini Macron went to the Kremlin to sit at the other end of a very long table from Vlad. Someone beat me to ‘pass the salt’ in the Metro caption competition! Going onto Kyiv, Mini saw a way forward but Russia denied agreeing to no further escalation on the Ukrainian border. A clip of a holocaust joke from Jimmy Carr’s Christmas special went viral causing widespread outrage. 16,000 signed a petition for Netflix to bin him and Ofgem boss Melanie Dawes welcomed ‘any chance’ to regulate the streaming giant.

The last two days warmer but very changeable with frost early Monday and rain sweeping down the valley Tuesday, I didn’t think I missed much and hoped the debilitation passed before better weather arrived. Alas, rising on a sunny Wednesday morning, my head felt like it was still asleep. I rose on wobbly legs, angrily brushed bits off the bed and got back in. I tried to tactfully mention the mess. Phil hit back, prompting a tirade about him making more work, then he conceded they likely came off his fluffy socks. Shaking blankets out, I knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. Depressed at a relapse, I was almost in tears at yet more work. I cleaned up the worst while he fetched coffee before PMQs.

Kier focused on the ‘buy now pay later’ energy deal, calling it ‘a dodgy scheme, not a proper plan’. The Bumbler lauded the ‘fantastic plan’ as more generous than anything labour had set out and launched into another party political broadcast. Interrupted by heckling, Hoyle admonished the front bench. Keir persisted on the issue of forcing people to take out loans when oil and gas companies made money every second. Paraphrasing BP on being awash with dosh, he repeated it was ‘one big scam’. Boris blathered about council tax, the global problem caused by a gas price spike, and labour ideas to ‘clobber’ companies with tax which would raise consumer costs. Invoking Brexit, Boris said they’d used new freedoms to ‘do the right thing’ and harked back to Keir wanting to stay in the EMA. After The Mirror published another photo of the 15^th December Christmas quiz, Fabian Hamilton asked about the PM seen with bubbly and tinsel. Boris said he spoke ‘in error’. Gray had discounted it as a law-breaking event but amid renewed outrage, The Met said they’d reconsider and Operation Hillman prepared e-mail questionnaires to 50 Westminster party attendees including the PM. Hmm! “Were you at a party?” “Yes/no.” The Scumbag said there were way better pics than that. The Optics not looking good, financier John Armitage suspended tory donations, saying Boris had lost moral authority and should leave office. Naz Shah asked when would the PM match action to rhetoric and give Bradford what it deserved? He told her they invested in Yorkshire and didn’t rule out extending ‘the eastern leg’ from Birmingham. Perplexing, as HS2 was not intended to reach Bradford.

I worked on the journal and the secret card. Phil went to the co-op and made lunch. Trying to analyse sleep patterns, I was unable to fathom Sunday night’s insomnia or why a great night Monday hadn’t helped much, or why I started to feel better in the evenings only for debilitation to return in the mornings.

Gillian Keegan stayed in a meeting even as she got a positive covid test. Boris soon to rescind remaining restrictions, testing and isolation rules would go by 21^st February, a month earlier than planned. The strategy ‘to live with covid’ after ‘half-term’ (sic) may well be a crowd-pleaser, but with 200,000 new cases a day, the pandemic wasn’t over. Tim Spector of Kings College Zoe covid study called it an ‘act of irresponsibility’ and Justin Madder asked: ‘what’s the science?’ Amid claims they were the first government to restore freedoms, it was pointed out Sweden beat them. The PAC criticised government’s handling of leaving the EU; the only detectable impacts were higher costs, more paperwork and delays. Rees-Moggy said it’d be better in 50 years – it’d take him that long to find those Brexit opportunities! Attention-seeking foghorn Adele swept the board at the Brits. Footage of her belting out one of her awful songs unavoidable, fans whinged she’d cancelled her Caesars Palace residency but they could probably hear her in Las Vegas!

Welbeck primary schoolkids’ letters to Nottingham South MP Lillian Greenwood concerning Partygate were shared on twitter. On Jeremy Vine, ex-teacher Geoff Norcott remarked indoctrination was a perk of the job while Nads Zahawi later said schools shouldn’t encourage kids to ‘pin colours to the political mast’. Discussing careless talk, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown referred to ‘Dreadful Doris’(who had a ‘lovely turn of language’ according to Brandon Lewis) and Geoff to Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke as deliberately bad taste. Meanwhile, Hate Not Hope wrote that Netflix made a ‘grave error of judgement’ not pulling the show. Carr had ‘crossed a line’ then doubled down, portraying himself as a victim of cancel culture.

Menagerie

Still fatigued and fuggy Thursday, I managed 10 minutes stretching and opened the window to shake rugs out before Phil changed the sheets. I bathed, got half-dressed, put washing in the machine, took coffee back to bed and worked on the journal for an hour then left the laptop to update while I finished cleaning upstairs. After making superbly fluffy rarebit for lunch, Phil brought some laundry up, which made me realise I’d forgotten the sheets. Putting them in the dryer later, I forgot to take them out.

Wednesday, Sadiq Khan said he needed proper plans from Caressa Dick on how she’d deal with racist, misogynistic and homophobic behaviour and restore shattered public confidence in The Met. The Casey review into police culture taking too long, he wanted answers within ‘days and weeks’. Refusing to resign Thursday morning, Dick said she had a whole team rooting out bad apples. Failing to attend a 4.30 p.m. meeting with the mayor, at 6.55 p.m. she announced she was ‘stepping aside’. John Major told the Institute for Government ‘brazen’ Partygate excuses were dreamt up day after day, the public asked to believe the unbelievable and ministers sent out to defend the indefensible, making them look gullible, foolish and shifty. Scotland announced £208 million to help with the cost of living. Equating to £150 per household, Kate Forbes was berated for repeating Rishis’ mistakes. Rail travel rose 31% thanks to clean trains and the DOT clarified Boris wasn’t referring to HS2 in answering Naz Shah. Yes, but he did mistake Bradford for Leeds! While he went to Brussels and Poland, Trussed-Up Liz got a frosty reception in Moscow. Sergei Lavrov likened the meeting to trying to communicate with the deaf and dumb. She retorted she wasn’t mute. No, but you didn’t listen, you pompous mare! Mocking her woeful diplomacy, Russian media labelled her a centaur. With her stature it’d be My Little Centaur! After WHU fans booed cat-kicking footballer Kurt Zouma, the RSPCA took his pets away, Adidas and Vitality withdrew sponsorship and a fine of 2 week’s wages viewed inadequate, 300,000 signed a petition to sack him. Dagenham & Redbridge suspended his brother Youan who shot the video nasty.

Newscast treated us to cringey renditions of I will Survive (sang by Boris and Gutu Harri) and Come on Arlene. Guest David Lammy described the febrile atmosphere among the Corbyn mob, and assured us he was fine, saying ‘you can take the boy out of Tottenham…’ He marvelled at a PM who pulled stuff from the nasty corners of the right-wing dark web and deemed him hugely guilty of stoking up ‘unsavoury and dangerous’ acts. Getting 6 death threats a year, many with a racial element, he said it was worse for female MPs. Labour trapped by a huge tory majority, a cynic might say they’d benefit from Boris staying, but integrity mattered more. And besides, populists always had to be dragged from office!

Shrieking chainsaws didn’t help sleep. Eventually dropping off with plugged ears, convoluted dreams entailed buying a teddy bear and having to hide it. I lay in a stupor in Friday’s early hours then drifted back into a fitful doze. Wobbliness persisting, I stayed in bed and re-started the slow, whirring laptop to wait a full infuriating hour for windows to configure. Furious at an unproductive morning, I picked up a sketch pad but was uninspired. Despite also feeling crap, Phil went to the co-op. Finally able to type in the afternoon, I drafted a Valley Life article, backed up files and began sorting duplicate folders, then stopped with head fug and turned the laptop off, hoping it’d cure the sluggishness. Unable to get the kettle to work making a brew, the stove-top method took a full 15 minutes! I bad-temperedly cleared the draining board while waiting and stomped back upstairs. Phil fixed a bent spring on the base but still inoperable, thought the switch was broken. Meanwhile, I reduced stove-top boiling time to 9 minutes by measuring water.

Covid passes in Wales to be scrapped next week, shoppers would still need masks until the end of March and there were no plans to end self-isolation. Unvaccinated kids over 12 were allowed into Spain from Monday with a negative PCR test – too late for families who’d already cancelled half-term holidays. Although contracting in December, the ONS said the economy grew 7.5% in 2021. Rishi welcomed the news, but economist Sam Tomb claimed the true figure for private firms was 3.4% and the UK economy continued to ‘underwhelm’ relative to G7 peers. Liberty Steel received a winding up petition from HMRC. While unions called it a devastating blow, Gupta hoped to find an ‘amicable agreement’. Nasty Patel unbelievably called Khan rude and unprofessional (err, it wasn’t him that ditched the meeting) and said The Met needed strong and decisive leadership. Is that why she didn’t sack Dick months ago? Harvey Proctor thought it high time the Augean stables got cleaned up, but who would do the muck-raking?

I remained fatigued over a largely miserable weekend. People wittering on the street below mitigated against sleep Friday night, even with earplugs, and a bright start forced me awake Saturday. Cold rain replaced the sun and the hot water ran out during bathing. To delay putting the heating on, we donned extra layers but his arthritic hands agony, Phil gave in. No signal on the big telly, he tutted at my attempts to tweak the aerial. I railed back and stormed upstairs. Both TVs came back, for nothing but sport. The laptop taking an age to spark up, shutting down at night was patently a bad idea. Eventually, I managed to post a pic for my nephew’s birthday and type. The evening peace was broken by raucous drunken warbling, the voluble Shed people coming home at 2 a.m., and the irksome generator.

Both feeling ropey on a grey, wet Sunday, I ate breakfast downstairs and printed the secret card before Valentine’s Day. Back in bed, I composed a haiga based on a different shot of the pink winter blossomⁱ. Phil braved the greyhound charity shop closing down sale. Car-boot dealers literally ripping shelves out, he returned from the scrum with bloody knuckles, sneakers and a couple of electrical items, including a bright red kettle from the larger, quieter shop. Catching up on the footie that evening, we noted West Ham didn’t field the cat-kicker. Kurt Zouma in the starting line-up, were they cowed by French extradition demands?

The People’s Assembly organised cost of living demos across the UK, supported by unions. An injunction allowed Ambassador Bridge, Ontario, to be cleared of truckers. Even James Blunt crooning at full blast couldn’t shift anti-vax protesters outside the NZ parliament. They just sang louder. Uncle Joe held talks with Vlad, but Ukrainians thought it was all scaremongering. On Sunday Morning, Brandon Lewis added to the fear, saying Russia could invade within a matter of days, possibly Wednesday. Ben Wally said there ‘was a whiff of Munich in the air’ but the Russian ambassador to Sweden Victor Tatarintsev didn’t ‘give a shit’ about sanctions. Brandon denied the Stormont exec was non-functioning and wanted an EU agreement on the Irish question. Telling us Trussed-Up Liz met Maros šefčovič Friday, I found no reports on how that went.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 98 – This Page Intentionally Blank

“This stinks of a cover-up by Number 10. Even Richard Nixon believed a country deserves to know whether their leader is a crook” (Ed Davey)

Dirty Dozens

The storm moved to the east coast Monday, leaving the valley mostly calm and bright. Posting a haigaⁱ and the journal took most of the day, excepting lunch and essential chores. Due to the weather, mounds of recycling littered the house. Phil helped with disposal. One eye on the news, he précised the Sue Gray report but as the incomplete document was 12 pages (less if you ignored ‘this page intentionally blank’), I read it myself.ⁱⁱⁱ

Specifics missing, Gray berated the culture at the ‘heart of government’, failure of leadership and judgement, unprofessional consumption of excessive amounts of alcohol, inappropriate use of the Number 10 garden, and concluded rules weren’t followed. As operational structures hadn’t kept pace with expansion of the PM’s office and staff felt unable to report concerns, ‘lessons to learn’ should be addressed immediately. The Bumbler began his commons statement with another vacuous apology, saying he understood people’s anger, and he’d fix it by reviewing codes of conduct and creating an Office of the PM with a permanent sec. – would that address the accountability vacuum? He then blathered about government achievements. Keir responded Gray made ‘the most damning conclusions’ with a PM under criminal investigation and making people feel like fools, although they shouldn’t as they saved lives. Quite! I kept saying those who stuck to rules did the right thing and should stop whinging they didn’t hug! Phil asserted we were locked down to keep tory toffs safe. The comment from Carrie’s party mate 13^th November seemed to support that. Keir alleged Boris wouldn’t resign because he was ‘a man without shame’. Boris called that ‘a tissue of nonsense’ but others echoed pleas for full publication of findings. Andrew Mitchell withdrew his support and Ian Blackford ejected himself after repeating Boris broke lockdown rules and ‘wilfully misled parliament’.

Of the 16 ‘gatherings’ in scope, The met were looking into 12 (8 in Downing Street and 4 in the cabinet office)*. With 300 photos and 500 documents of the ‘Dirty Dozen’, they pledged to fast-track the investigation within weeks. At an emergency meeting of tory MPs, Boris allegedly banged the table screaming he’d nearly died of Covid. Trussed-Up Liz was spotted without a mask, later tested positive and wouldn’t accompany him to The Ukraine. As he’d cancelled a planned call to Vlad, David Lammy said it was an example of the ‘real world consequences’ of the distraction and Layla Moran complained: “This is the man who picked pleading with his backbenchers over talking tough to Vladimir Putin.” Meanwhile, Hong Kong politician Caspar Tsui resigned after being discovered attending a banquet. Our leaders could learn a lesson there! On Newsnight, small minister Paul Scuzzball contrarily argued that as Boris was at deaths door, he understood the issues! Tory activists said with no contrition and no confidence, his days were numbered. Journalists agreed, seeing the interim report as a ‘series of smoking guns yet to come’. I looked forward to the adaptation of Sue Gray and the Party Detectives into a Netflix series or, more likely, a low-key Brit flick!

Two years after the first hospital admissions of covid patients in Newcastle, NHS bosses warned of frontline staff quitting if forced to have jabs. Ministers said the policy could be ditched after consultation, including for social care. Would the 30,000 sacked workers return? Several areas of Beijing underwent lockdown and daily testing ahead of the Winter Olympics. Back-to-back storms forced the Thames barrier to close, blew lorries over, hampered train services and left 45,000 homes power-less. Winds reached 90 mph in Stonehaven where unhappy residents whinged this was the second time since November. In The Great Drain Robbery, thieves stole 160 cast iron drain covers in Doncaster to sell for scrap.

Cleaning out the fridge Tuesday, I found chilli jam so old mould erupted on the lid, a lump of ice in the runnel and a puddle beneath the crisper drawer. I spent ages scrubbing a minging juicer stored on top. The days long gone when chucking 40% of our fruit in the form of pulp was a good idea, we agreed to donate the unused item charity. The chore was punctuated with refreshment breaks, writing and shopping. Sunny and mild to start, a stiff breeze assailed me on the way to a quiet co-op where I discussed the price of seeds and compostable bags with my namesake at the till. Feeling iffy, I forced myself to write in the afternoon. Mind blank trying to work on the novel, I composed an add-on for Cool Placesⁱⁱ and posted a photo of pink winter blossom for Elderly Neighbours’ birthday (See below).

9.9% of covid cases over the past year were reinfections. Previously 2%, it showed earlier illness didn’t protect against Omicron. The WHO recommended treatments Sotrovimab and Baricitinib. DOHSC accounting revealed £8.5 bn written off for lost, faulty or expired PPE. The IOPC published details of racist, sexist and homophobic messages between officers at Charing Cross cop shop 2016-2018. The 2 dismissed were not isolated ‘bad apples’. After announcing the closure of 317 meat, fish and deli counters and Jack’s discount stores, changes to overnight working put another 1,600 Tesco jobs at risk. Our local farm shop featured on Look North. Open since 1974, the 81 year old owner offered a lifeline for remote villagers in bad weather and lockdowns, delivering essential supplies. In Grimsby ahead of unveiling the Levelling Up white paper, The Glove-Puppet said London’s elite didn’t understand the problems of overlooked communities. His plans involved elected mayors for every part of England and a dozen ‘national missions’, with targets for the economy, housing, education, transport and culture up to 2030 in 55 areas. 20 urban regeneration projects would start with Sheffield and Wolverhampton. Criticised for no new money and lack of ambition, Lisa Nandy called it shuffling deckchairs and Tracy Brabin suggested he prioritise early years and bringing HS2 to the young, vibrant city of Bradford.

Boris known to have attended at least 3 of the ‘Dirty Dozen’, police guidance stated identities of those issued fixed penalty notices ‘should not be released or confirmed’. Rayner inveighed: “I can’t believe this needs saying. The public have a right to know if the PM is found to have committed an offence.” Ed Davey added it stank of a cover-up. Rabid Raab implied Boris still didn’t think he’d done any wrong saying: “(he) believes he acted in good faith at all times.” Downing Street later said they’d reveal if Boris was fined. In Kyiv to speak to president Volodymyr Zelensky before a press conference and rescheduled call to Vlad, No. 10 claimed he spearheaded the international response. An international joke more like! White House press aide Jen Psaki chortled at ambushing cakes in faces, Russian TV sniggered Boris was a henpecked wannabe emperor mocked even by kids, and former tory diplomat Rory Stewart sputtered: “This idea that somehow Boris…is single-handedly defending Ukraine from Russia is pure fantasy.”

Dancing In The Gaslight

Waking with a creaky jaw the last 2 mornings, further evidence I was grinding my teeth while sleeping due to anxiety, emerged a few days later. Careful exercise helped ease the discomfort Wednesday.

Boris parroting the accusation from right-wing social media that Keir failed ‘to prosecute Jimmy Savile’, Nazir Afzal on BBC Breakfast said in the 3 years he worked under him as DPP, they had record child abuse convictions. In fact, decisions were made locally, Keir apologised and commissioned an investigation which blamed Surrey prosecutors and police for the mess. Causing ructions in the tory ranks, Tobias Ellwood was one of 3 to submit letters of no confidence and on Newsnight, David Liddington derided the ‘crude, stupid distraction tactics’ and a lack of emotional intelligence that ‘sapped trust’. Nick Watt called the gaslighting a death sentence. “Hmm!” mused Phil, “who’s the one who likes dressing up, visiting hospitals and says he’ll fix it…“ And let’s not forget, Savile was a tory. A photo of the nonce posing for the Tory 2010 election campaign turned out to be fake but ones of him with Thatcher weren’t.

Lindsay Hoyle read ‘the bible’ on parliamentary language before PMQs. If Ian Blackford had to retract calling Boris a liar, why didn’t Boris have to recant his comment on Savile? I wondered. The Bumbler toadied to the queen and told Esther McVey mandatory jabs for the NHS would be abandoned. Tongue in cheek, Keir queried if part of Operation Save Big Dog was being ‘tax-cutting conservatives’, why did they keep raising them for workers while protecting oil companies and banks and ’gaslight’ the British public with stealth taxes? To Boris’ usual waffle, he responded: ‘lots of words, lots of bluster, but no answers’ and joked that wouldn’t work with the police! He pointed out wastage and fraud during the pandemic equalled the extra taxes and asked why he wasn’t investigating that instead of squeezing people to the pips? Boris spewed a load of figures, rubbish about record amounts of PPE and getting ventilators from footballers. Keir repeated he needed to sharpen how he answered questions.

I was stealing myself to take the redundant juicer to the charity shop in the drizzle when Phil offered to go. Relieved, I did some admin and messaging, setting a record 3 social engagements for the month (lunch with Walking Friend and AN Other Friday, an exhibition with Manchester Friend and a drink with The Researcher late Feb). The so-called wine rack stuffed with miscellaneous items, Phil returned as I began sorting them to reclaim mechanical whisks and a mixing bowl, then left me to evict spiders, scour utensils, start another charity bag and make room in cupboards.

Hospital cases down, more deaths were recorded than for almost a year. Figures excluded Scotland. Nasty Patel told the home affairs committee the IOPC findings showed a ‘failure of leadership’ (sic) but didn’t say Dick should go. Yvette Coop wanted action from the home office as well as The Met. Boris made the postponed call to Vlad and tweeted the way out of hostilities was diplomacy. So, calling the Russians hostile was diplomatic, was it? After legal advice that SPS checks required approval from the Stormont Executive, DUP minister Edwin Poots ordered officials at Daera** to stop Irish Sea border checks from midnight. Back doors opened at the Port of Belfast the next morning. Saying issues could be resolved through the protocol, Sinn Fein accused him of playing party politics. 4 Insulate Britain protestors got stuck in jail after gluing themselves outside the High Court while chants of ‘Boris out’ were ignored during Westminster news broadcasts.

Lower leg cramp woke me in the early hours Thursday. Unable to reach, I tried shaking it out but the knee agonisingly locked up. On the verge of tears, I attempted to stand and hobbled to the bathroom. After a bit more sleep, the pain alleviated enough to perform most of my exercise routine. Telling Phil I‘d never known anything like it, he said he had and I worried not for the first time, if it was arthritis. I rushed chores and writing tasks to go to town, greeting 3 lesser-spotted neighbours along the street. The centre strangely quiet in the dull dampness, I discussed the inflationary cost of cough drops, energy price hikes and treasury plans for loans and rebates with Sweet Shop man. Ofgem raised the cap to £1,971. Rishi dished out £200 rebates on electricity bills from October (to be paid back from 2023, though Goldman Sachs doubted prices would drop until 2025) and £150 off council tax (the treasury gave councils £144m). Unimpressed, labour called it ‘buy now pay later’ and asked why there was no cut in VAT or windfall tax for Shell, who made £14bn profit? BOE simultaneously put interest up to 0.5%, predicted inflation of 7.25% by April and said it wasn’t a good time to ask for more pay. So much for the high skills, high wage economy! GMB’s Gary Smith retorted: “telling the hard-working people who carried this country through the pandemic they don’t deserve a pay rise is outrageous.” Elsewhere, France put a 4% limit on fuel rises, Belgium slashed VAT and Greece increased the minimum wage by 2%.

On the market, I bantered on posh names for bog roll with Jolly Veg man and topped up supplies in convenience stores to postpone a trip to the co-op, then lugged bags home and faffed to fit mussels in a bowl until Phil came to help. He began scrubbing a Dutch oven but desperate for lunch, I bade him leave it.

Effective against Omicron, Novavax was approved following trials in Leeds and Bradford. A caller to Jeremy Vine called Boris a baboon and David Davis said he suffered death by a thousand cuts with the party in a state of paralysis. As if to illustrate his point, director of communications Jack Doyle and head of policy Munira Mirza quit; she cited the Savile slur. Stopping short of an apology, Boris insisted he was making a point about responsibility for the organisation as a whole. What! Like he was responsible for the antics in No. 10? Late evening, PPS Martin Reynolds and Chief of Staff Dan Rosenfeld also left Downing Street pursued the next morning by special adviser Elena Narozanski. At least 2 of them were at parties. Energy minister Greg Hands said it proved the PM was ‘taking charge’. DUP MLA Paul Givan resigned, meaning Michelle O’Neil also lost her post, power-sharing at Stormont ended and the exec couldn’t meet. How did that square with them having authority to change import rules? Sinn Fein said the political opportunism had catastrophic impacts ahead of May elections. A high Court judge subsequently suspended Poot’s decision to stop import checks, until a full judicial review to avoid confusion ‘hanging over’ civil servants.

Discussing mandatory vaccines for health staff on QT, a sceptic with piles of scrappy notes disputed a vax scientist. Robin Shattock tried to be nice but ended up saying he was talking crap. Torygraph weirdo Tim Stanley thought it good to have the debate and mandating counter-productive. NHS Confederation’s Victor Adebowale said with 95% staff uptake but only 89% for BME, they had rights but also responsibilities. Crispin Blunt believed it sensible to re-assess the policy on evidence. A nurse in the audience claimed natural immunity from having covid protected her. Shattock informed her that varied and asked if an antibody test might persuade her? “Maybe.” Probed on if Boris damaged the tory party, Crispin said we were being played by The Scumbag and repeated the assertion not everyone followed the rules. Weirdo Tim bizarrely compared Boris to a character from Oceans 11, Rosena Allin-Khan maintained the ‘consistent liar’ wasn’t fit for office, before or now, and Victor called him a moral vacuum. Robin asked: who do you trust?

Interviewed on Newscast, Rishi said Boris was right to apologise, evaded questions on standing for leader and claimed to have seen no parties from Number 11’s window. A day later, The Mirror reported The Met had a photo of Boris holding a can of beer at his lockdown birthday party, standing next to Rishi in the cabinet room. Shot by Andrew Parsons (one of 3 of The Bumbler’s official tax-funded photographers) who documented the event, it proved they didn’t give a shit!

Mixing It Up

So much happened in the world of politics late the previous night, trying to get a grip Friday morning was hindered by Phil rambling and Walking Friend texting to ask if I could be ready early. To avoid rushing, I arranged to meet at the corner pub instead, hastened my notes and put a face on. No sign of them outside, AN Other waved to me from inside the pub. They mixed coffee and Bailey’s but I eschewed drinking during a catch-up and deciding what next. On the way to the big charity shop, a feint rainbow provided a backdrop for a cloud of squawking corvids. We ambled down the still oddly quiet pedestrian street. AN Other liked the look of the wood burner in the cocktail bar. Unsure if they served food, she asked to be given a Med café menu. As she re-arranged the furniture to feel the heat, I wryly told the waitress: “sorry about this.” The partnership arrangement involved staff toing and froing across the street. Over inevitably tepid dishes, we discussed holidays, labyrinthine German tax laws and mutual acquaintances. I expressed relief at not going to Deceased Friends’ wake after the family all got covid and learnt another old pub mate died of cancer last month. Walking Friend fed pigeons to distract them before feeding ducks on the wavy steps. Visiting more charity shops, we ended up at one near our street. AN Other drove back across the moor, Walking Friend went to the co-op and I went home, agreeing it made a change mixing up our lunch-meets. A mélange of chatter crowding my head, I couldn’t relax at all during a siesta.

ONS found risk of death from covid dropped 93% after 3 jabs. Rishi having distanced himself from Boris’ slur, Goblin Saj said Keir should be respected for doing a good job as DDP but the PM ‘clarified remarks’ on the Savile issue and still had his support. Nick Gibb, the latest tory MP to publicly call for Boris to go, cited constituents’ fury ‘about the double standards’ and the PM’s ‘inaccurate’ commons statements. Meanwhile, Liam Fox waited to see what happened and in a round of drunken interviews, batty Nads Doris claimed 97% of tories backed Boris and it was all a Remoaners plot. After taking the big plane to Blackpool to play with trams, Boris returned to rally the troops and quote ‘change is good’ from the Lion King. “It really is The Lying King!” I laughed. Ukrainian architects Studio Makhno designed Plan C, bagels for settlers on Mars to inhabit craters, with food grown in orbiting spherical greenhouses. Did they nick the idea from The Expanse?

A watery sun presaged grey rain Saturday. Rather scatty, I kept drifting off, but rallied with caffeine. Nowt on telly, we watched extras on a DVD so it could go in the charity bag. Disposing of recycling, I found dog poo on the doorstep, angrily scrubbed it off and railed I was starting to take it personal. Phil thought dogs simply needed a crap when they reached the top of the steps. Heading to the main road, car lights on the gloomy roads made it appear like midwinter again. Among gaps in the co-op, I got a cheap pineapple. What was that about affordable fruit? At the till, teenage girls carefully handled a carrier like it was precious. The nice young Scottish cashier told me it was a cappuccino glass. Pausing halfway through scanning my stuff, she apologised for having a moment. “It’s okay, I’ve been scatty today.” “Good.” “Is it?” “Yeah, if you can’t pause on a day like this, when can you? Have a nice evening.” “It’s not evening yet. It just looks like it.” “I don’t mind this weather.” I stopped myself replying she was probably used to it! I trudged back and collapsed on the sofa while Phil watched Olympic skiing, commenting on the fakery in an area of China that barely got 20cm of rain a year, let alone snow! Working on the journal, I got mixed up with all the Westminster parties, checked the BBC news list and discovered 2 were excluded from the report, including Shaun Bailey’s lavish buffet. “That sounds like an excellent idea!” exclaimed Phil, googled an all-you-can-eat in Blackpool and declared he now used tory antics as a kind of tarot. Cooking the pineapple with a splash of sambuca, Phil queried why we never drank it. “We don’t really mix drinks anymore.”

Raining all night, sheets of hail careened down the valley Sunday. And it was so dark! No possibility of a walk, I worked on the journal and tried cleaning kitchen chairs. Mysterious splotches persisting, Phil’s idea of using turps to expunge them might wait ‘til we could work outside. We also made some arrangements for Phil’s birthday weekend but were undecided on the lavish buffet. During a truly terrible night, I caught myself clenching my jaw in an early hours stupor. I must have slept but it was in such small snatches I might as well not have even tried!

After Boris stated crime fell 14% and the Home Office admitted it excluded fraud and computer scams, the UKSA sad they were misleading. Challenged on Sunday Morning, Kwasi Modo said they meant street crime like burglary and violence. Tell that to Leeds people in fear of being stabbed!

*Scope of inquiry:15^th May 2020, garden party; 27^th Nov, leaving do; 10^th Dec; gathering at DoE, 15^th Dec, Xmas quiz.

The Dirty Dozen: 20^th May 2020, garden party; 18^th June, a gathering; 19^th June, Boris’ birthday party; 13^th Nov, 2 gatherings; 17^th Dec, 3 gatherings; 18^th Dec, ‘end of term’ party; 14^th Jan 2021, a gathering; 16^th April, 2 gatherings.

Excluded from report: 14^th Dec; Bailey’s lavish buffet, Met speaking to 2 attendees; 16^th Dec, DoT party.

**(Department of agriculture, environment & rural affairs)

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. The Sue Gray Report: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1051374/Investigation_into_alleged_gatherings_on_government_premises_during_Covid_restrictions_-_Update.pdf

Part 97 – Never-Ending Story

“He is sending an appalling message to society, that the most powerful person in the UK Government thinks it’s okay to mock people because of their bodies, race, sexual orientation and religion ” (Kirsten Oswald)

It’s My Party and I’ll Go If I Want To

Posting the haiga ⁱ a doddle Monday, the journal took far too long even though I’d started it Sunday, leaving little time for much else. Watching The Expanse series 6 on Prime In the evening, I questioned if they’d properly explained why Naomi wasn’t dead. At bedtime, I stuffed earplugs in to block out noisy diggers near the canal and finished The Gallows Pole by Benjamin Myers – coming soon to a TV near you! A good read but lazy notes left unanswered queries on historical accuracy.

Testing was scrapped for fully vaccinated incoming travellers from 11^th February, in time for half-term. Lord Agnew resigned from government over mismanagement of covid loans, accusing the treasury of “little interest in the consequences of fraud to our society.” Look North reported that Leeds businesses were hit hard with 39 weeks lost trade; the 10^th worst in the UK. Visiting Milton Keynes University Hospital, Boris announced a cabinet office inquiry into the sacking of Nusrat Ghani. A Russian invasion feared imminent, diplomats were withdrawn from The Ukraine, Trussed-up Liz went to Brussels, Uncle Joe held a conference call with NATO allies, more warships and fighter jets were sent to Eastern Europe and troops put on standby. Threats to engage unlikely to materialise, Vlad would be quaking again at the idea of sanctions – not! The FTSE fell as did the rouble against the dollar and the pound. Jeff Bezos recruited Hal Barron of GSK to lead Alto Labs anti-ageing company to defy death before holding us all in hock forever and zooming off in a rocket when he’d wrecked the planet! Actor Sam Jackson was spotted filming for MCU in Leeds and Halifax. How on earth did they make The Piece Hall look like Russia?

ITV news reported Carrie organised a surprise birthday party for Boris, 19^th June 2020, during lockdown #1, involving M&S party food, cake, 30 people including Martin Reynolds, other Number 10 staff and Lulu Lytle, and a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’. Downing Street said Boris attended a ‘staff gathering’ for a mere 10 minutes. Keir responded: “This is yet more evidence that we have got a PM who believes that the rules that he made don’t apply to him…(they) spend their whole time mopping up sleaze and deceit. Meanwhile, millions of people are struggling to pay their bills. We cannot afford to go on with this chaotic, rudderless government. The PM is a national distraction and he’s got to go.”

Grey, foggy and cold for the second day running, I shivered after bathing Tuesday with an inexplicably twisted towel. Well-layered up, I went to the co-op, finding massive gaps in the fruit and veg aisle. The woman in front of me at the till irksomely failed to put a ‘next customer’ bar on the conveyor. I pointedly placed them in front and behind my purchases. As she swiped her member’s card, I wondered aloud to the cashier why nobody had ever told me that was possible and she showed me how easy it was. You learn something new every day! In the afternoon, I added to my novel and did some research before continuing cleaning the kitchen shelves and making more space.

Less infections in all age groups except the younger, DfE estimated 1:20 kids were absent from class 20^th January, the most all term. 10% of teachers off, Paul Whiteman of NAHT complained schools were ‘struggling to keep things running’. Scotland would move to hybrid working from next Monday to help the economy while interest on UK government debt trebled. Now aware of 19 Westminster gatherings, as a ‘result of information’ from Sue Gray’s team, the Met boss announced they would investigate those that ‘appeared to be the most serious and flagrant breach’ of coronavirus guidelines*. Covid-19 lead Jane Connors would oversee the special inquiry team, potentially going back 2 years. Knowing about the police probe before the morning’s cabinet meeting, Boris didn’t mention it. Apparently as he didn’t want to pre-empt Caressa Dick, but did he fear a ministerial leak? In defence of the parties, Tory MP Conor Burns hilariously said Boris was ‘ambushed by cake’ on his birthday, Crispin Blunt incredulously suggested rules were broken in ‘most homes’ and on Newsnight, Rees-Moggy used big words, evasion and waffle. Answering a mystifying question on a praetorian guard, he agreed a new leader must mean a general election. Reports followed that to celebrate the Scumbag’s departure from Downing Street 13^th November 2020, Carrie sang ‘The Winner Takes It All’ and a guest told police they were the only ones allowed to party.

Let Them Eat Cake

Sue Gray And The Party Detectives Tour T-Shirt

Thankfully, it became brighter and warmer mid-week, as Phil repeatedly told me. He helped with chores before PMQs where MPs wore purple and pink flame badges in advance of Holocaust Memorial Day.

Kate Osamor asked if The Bumbler had agreed to Rishi Rich ‘writing off £4.3bn of fraud’. He replied, ‘No’. Rishi was forced to tweet he wasn’t ignoring or writing off the Covid loans. Keir questioned Boris on breaking the ministerial code by misleading parliament and resigning. Boris repeated ‘No’ and the Captain Hindsight insult. Keir laughed: “We’ve discovered the real Captain Hindsight,” to which a backbencher added: “with a party hat!” The Bumbler spewed the usual hyperbole and answered Keir’s “people know he’s not up to the job” with rot about taking tough decisions and having a vision while labour had no plan. To claims that Keir was a lawyer, not a leader, Labour MP Lloyd Russell-Moyle said he’d prefer to be led by a lawyer than a liar. Having already threatened members with eviction from the commons, Lindsay Hoyle told him to retract the statement. To Ian Blackford’s questions, Boris jibed it looked like he’d eaten more cake, for the SNP to accuse him of body-shaming. Boris re-committed to placing a full copy of the Sue Gray report in the House of Commons library. Release of the findings imminent, media reports it could be delayed until after the police probe giving Boris a longer wait to see if he went to his own party, were dismissed but fears of severe editing surfaced later in the week.

The jokes kept coming with a sea of memes on social media, speculation the cake was Colin the Caterpillar, fitting in with the M&S party food theme, Nigella tweeting her next book would be ‘Ambushed by Cake’ and ‘Sue Gray And The Party Detectives’ tour t-shirts on sale from several outlets. Citing media stories from around the globe, Jack Straw wasn’t amused the UK was an international laughing stock.

Making progress on the novel, I had to stop typing in the afternoon due to head fug and switched to book-based research. Editing journal notes in the evening, I found it hard keeping on top of news and gave up to rest my aching brain.

A BBC investigation found 1 million counterfeit face-masks were sent to the NHS at the height of pandemic. The DOH ignored red flags until a nurse contacted Polyco, the Chinese supplier, direct, to be told they were ‘faked’ by ‘bad guys’. Papers submitted by whistle-blower Raphael Marshall to the foreign affairs committee confirmed Boris approved clearance to evacuate the Nowzad shelter from Afghanistan. He’d scorned the accusations of prioritising animals over people as ‘complete nonsense’ at the time – doubtful, as Pen Farthing was a mate of Carrie’s. A small boat capsized on its way to the USA from Bimini Island, raising concerns for the 39 migrants aboard. A spooky object was spotted 4,000 light years away. Possibly a neutron star or white dwarf, giant bursts of energy sent out radiation beams 3 times an hour.

Tummy ache prevented an early start Thursday. I opened the bedroom window to a keen blast of fresh air and held blankets tightly to shake them out in the gusty wind. I tidied up a higgledy-piggledy pile on the kitchen draining board, and then the morning was gone. Editing the journal on a slow laptop, I developed brain ache and my mood darkened. Low feelings persisting into the afternoon, I forced myself to continue cleaning kitchen shelves, disposing of a cracked bowl.

Dubbed ‘Plan A Day’, commuter numbers grew. Masks no longer mandatory, rail operators and big shops like Sainsbury’s, John Lewis, Morrison’s and Waitrose, requested customers still wore them. Less infections in all UK regions, as well as covid-related NHS staff absence, 52% of patients with covid were treated primarily for something else. Goblin Saj said Omicron was retreating and ‘thanks to the progress we have made’, care home rules would relax from next Monday. Sentencing Jonathan Chew to 8 weeks for ambushing Chris Witless last summer, the judge berated him for contempt. Trying to hide in North Wales, Boris dismissed claims of aiding the evacuation of cats and dogs from Afghanistan as ‘total rhubarb’, even though an e-mail from Rabid Raab sought ‘a steer from No. 10 on whether’ to call Nowzad staff forward. Ex-tory Rory Stewart said lying was Boris’ default position. Police recorded the highest ever number of rapes and sexual assaults in the year to September 2021, with the highest ever quarterly figure July-Sept. ONS suggested the stats reflected the impact of high-profile cases, media coverage and campaigns encouraging victims to come forward. Look North featured kids developing Tourette Syndrome during lockdown. “Tic tock syndrome more like!” quipped Phil. Newscast discussed the National Insurance hike. Claer Barrett of the FT alarmingly calculated what it actually meant, particularly for contract and gig economy workers. Leeds funny man Barry Cryer died. His best joke was arguably: “Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines.”

Party On!

An earlier start Friday, I battled discomfiture to sort the kitchen table and created space moving clutter to emptier shelves. The greyness had turned to drizzle by the time I headed out to dump unwanted books at Oxfam and go to the co-op where I saw Elderly Neighbour and asked after his wife. No better or worse, he doubted she’d ever get better. Experiencing a similar scenario with my mum, I empathised and reiterated offers of help if needed. Phil came to assist carting the ace freezer deal home. After lunch, he finally finished cleaning the kitchen blind. The week a boring parade of shopping, cleaning and writing, I hankered for creativity, and arranged interesting detritus from foreign holidays in a second-hand box frame. The relics of now misty-eyed distant memories had been lying about for years.

Omicron BA.1 might be waning, but scientists kept a watchful eye on BA.2 – now the dominant variant in Denmark and 1,000 UK cases. PF-07321332+ritonavir (an anti-viral pill not a phone number), would be rolled out via the NHS from 10^th February. Formerly known as Paxlovid, it was 88% effective in reducing risks of serious illness or death in the vulnerable, if given during the first 5 days of symptoms. UKHSA sent priority PCR tests to 1.3 million so they could access treatment. Government sticks to get staff back to offices could include removing tax breaks for working at home. Having said they didn’t want to delay the report, The Met asked Sue Gray to ‘minimally reference’ and ‘remove key details’ of events they were probing. Their claims it would ‘avoid any prejudice to our investigation’, didn’t ring true unless, as former DPP Lord Ken Donaldson said, they considered ‘more serious conduct’. Suspects likely to face fixed penalty fines rather than trial by jury, he considered the constraints ‘disproportionate’. Cynics might well call it a stitch-up especially as Goblins’ kid brother Bas Javid was deputy assistant commissioner! As the report could be heavily redacted and rendered pointless, backbench tories joined opposition MPs in calling for unabridged publication. And as police investigations often took years, was it a never-ending story?

A One Show preview of 100^th BBC anniversary celebrations included a hideous Disney musical medley. I queried what that had to do with the Beeb? ”It’s the Lying King!” laughed Phil. Later, we reviewed ‘Undone’ on Prime. Phil hated the drawings and I detested the dialogue so we switched back to Wheel of Time for another laugh at trollocks.

On its way to Denmark, Storm Malik arrived in the early hours Saturday. I awoke to howling wind and shaking windows. Fast-moving clouds whizzed below a blue layer of sky. Small fluffy ones literally spun. Corvids and gulls wheeled in the thermals. Elsewhere, winds of 80 mph winds caused loss of power and death in Durham and Aberdeen. One felled tree sported a coffee cup. Was it an offering to the gods? Meanwhile, Storm Ana killed people in Madagascar, Malawi and Mozambique. Attempting to ignore anxious feelings, I battled a cluttered kitchen to make brekkie. After the dazzling start, the skies darkened and the clouds became grey. I continued framing pictures and editing the journal while watching catch-up. Young Sheldon annoyingly vanished off All 4, we binge-watched Andy Warhol’s America on iPlayer. Very inspiring but those yanks didn’t half like pointing out the bleeding obvious such as ‘he was gay’. I coined the term ‘Yanksplaining’. The night peaceful as the storm past, I dreamt lots but only recalled snatches.

Sunday beginning bright, Storm Corrie was predicted to arrive by evening. Becoming colder as the sun disappeared, we forced ourselves out the house in the calm between the storms, taking steep cobbles and tarmac into woodland where jays vied for territory and broken trunks lay testament to the storm’s ferocity. Down by the riverside, brave women swam in cold waters, fairies adorned allotments and yellow catkins heralded new life. In town, coffee-cuppers infested the square. We ducked in the convenience store, stuffed reduced items into my stupid tiny rucksack and headed home for an overdue feed. (See Cool Places for more walksⁱⁱ).

Trussed-up Liz spouted the usual BS on Sunday Morning and the Glove-Puppet used the puppet press, aka The Daily Mail, to launch a so-called ‘red wall revolution’ to prop up the PM, but it wasn’t new Levelling Up money, according to labour. Speculation the NI rise might be ditched faded as Boris and Rishi wrote in the Sunday Times there was no magic money tree. Yeah, when the dosh wasn’t going to their rich tory mates! Oxford University Hospitals trials using MRI scanners adapted to use Xenon gas on the lungs of long-covid patients, showed promising early results. Anti-Vaxxer Lawrence Fox got covid and self-medicated with Ivermectin. Side effects included seizures, coma and death. We could but hope! President Trudeau ran away from Ottawa as a convoy of trucks rolled in to protest Canada’s vaccine policy. The Trucking Alliance denied the demo represented their members. Changes to The Highway Code effective from Saturday, critics said they weren’t publicised enough. I thought pedestrians already had a right of way at junctions!

*Where: those involved knew they were committing an offence; not investigating would ‘significantly undermine the legitimacy of the law’; or there was little ambiguity around a reasonable defence.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. Ian Mortimer, A Time-travellers’ Guide to Elizabethan England

Part 95 – Moody Blues

“This is a prime minister who has been accused of breaking a law that he himself set; it could not be more serious”(Ian Blackford)

The Waiting Game

Sleeping later than planned Monday, I rushed round, took piles of rubbish out, and picked up the laptop to a flurry of e-mails. I replied to one from the owner of Valley Life agreeing to contribute during 2022, posted a haiga (see below)ⁱ and draft-posted the journal before scoffing lunch and preparing for a dental appointment. Too cold and damp to walk to the next village, I went for an earlier bus than necessary. Two didn’t turn up. I rang the surgery to explain and they agreed to see me late. The waiting room empty, I was told the dentist was with another patient when I saw him gabbing with staff. X-rays required after not visiting for 2 years, I inwardly laughed when they switched the machine on and ran away, leaving me to be zapped! I eschewed a visit to Sainsbury’s, and crossed to the bus stop. The church clock looming in the gloom attested to another lengthy wait. Unable to use my return ticket on the first bus, a convoy of school buses sailed by, then a swarm of schoolkids infested the queue until the right bus eventually came. Inevitably packed, I perched on the edge of a seat, silently fuming at loud-mouthed mask-less little monsters! Unable to stand them any longer, I alighted early and hurried the back way to the co-op for a couple of items. Moody, cold and tired, I slumped on the sofa before dragging myself upstairs to warm up.

Daily LFTs for 100,000 critical workers began. IKEA cut sick pay for unvaccinated staff required to self-isolate, as did Next later in the week. The UKHSA and Covid Taskfarce looked at reducing self-isolation to 5 days, like the US. Boris said he’d follow the evidence. The Glove-puppet thought it too soon to say the Omicron wave was abating. After getting stuck in a lift at BBC HQ, he joked that WA1 wasn’t satire. He planned forcing developers to pay to replace cladding on shorter tower blocks. Nandy said he didn’t address all the safety issues. Novax was granted a visa but his dishonesty and the toing and froing of Australian officials, created embarrassment all round. A competition to invent a platinum pudding for the queen required something simple, elegant and flavoursome. “How about angel delight?” giggled Phil.

Tuesday, I was irked at another late start, a lost sock and Phil handwashing a jumper after putting a load in the machine. He berated my nagging and I sulked, posted the journal and replied to a message from The Researcher; illness explaining the wait to hear from her. She seemed delighted with my draft takeover blog. Still grieving for a lost Monday afternoon thanks to WY Metro, I stayed in to catch up on writing while Phil kindly offered to shop. In a week when Souter Hole in Whitburn, Sunderland, grew into a sunken beach, Digging for Britain featured a whole Ichthyosaur fossil (or sea dragon) unearthed in Rutland and an iron age village which evolved into a wealthy Roman settlement discovered under HS2 in Northants.

379 deaths, 3,000 kids and 1 in 12 teachers off school due to covid, Sturgeon said masks could be the norm in Scotland for the foreseeable future but more spectators would be allowed at outdoor sports from next week. WHO regional director Dr, Hans Kluge said over half of Europeans would catch Omicron in the next 2 months, while his colleague Dr Nabarro said the end was in sight if we respected the virus and reacted quickly to surges (occurring every 3-4 months) and David Heymann of the London School of Tropical Medicine thought the UK could soon reach endemic status. A leaked e-mail from Martin Reynolds invited 100 people to a BYOB Downing Street garden party 20^th May 2020, the same day we were told we could meet 1 person outside. Boris and Carrie allegedly joined 40 attendees. Even diehard blues sick of the smirks and ‘serial lying’, there were renewed calls for the PM to resign. Would his PPS be the fall guy? Rayner asked urgent questions in the commons. The Bumbler unsurprisingly absent despite no appointments, paymaster general Michael Ellis took the flak, saying there was ‘absolutely no indication’ his boss knowingly misled parliament and urged MPs awaited the inquiry results. Ian Blackford attacked ‘a PM’ accused of breaking a law that he himself set.

Ovo blogged ways to keep warm including doing star jumps, cleaning, eating porridge and cuddling pets. I did most of them; maybe I should get a dog! They later apologised for ‘poorly judged and unhelpful’ content, sacked ¼ of their workforce and shut 7 of 10 offices. The Minimum hourly wage for remaining staff was upped to £12. Putin claimed to have suppressed the ‘foreign coup’ in Kazakhstan.

Dead Man Walking

Sleeping well, I enthusiastically set about hoovering the living room Wednesday, impeded by unravelled floor cushion tassel threads festooning the floor. Partygate inevitably dominated PMQs for a second week. Starting with a sham apology, The Bumbler admitted getting ‘somethings wrong’, although the Number 10 garden was ‘an extension of the office’. He went out to thank staff at what he thought was a work event 20^th May, but ‘with hindsight’, he should have sent them back in and found another way to say thanks. He said sorry to those who’d lost people and directed MPs to Sue Gray’s inquiry. Not thinking to reference his ‘captain hindsight’ moniker, Keir called Boris ‘a man whose ran out of road’, and the excuse he didn’t know it was a party pathetic (yes, especially as he got the e-mail!) and asked would he do the decent thing and resign? In response to a load of Boris Bluster, Keir asked was he ‘so contemptuous’ he thought he could ride it out? Boris insisted he was aware of the public’s sacrifices and understood their anger, repeated ‘bitter regret’ and awaiting the inquiry report. Keir listed previous high-profile resignations and wondered why the PM still thought the rules didn’t apply to him? After Boris repeated himself, Kier cried: “it’s not working!” Boris called Keir’s facts ‘wrong’ but accepted ‘they’ did wrong, with the caveat: ‘we thought we acted within the guidance’ and suggested as a lawyer, Keir should respect the process. Kier responded ‘a series of ridiculous denials’ meant ‘the party’s over.’ Ian Blackford echoed calls for Boris’ removal from office. Later on, Sir Roger Gale marked his leader ‘a dead man walking’ and Douglas Ross (head of the Scottish tories) submitted a vote of no confidence letter to the 1922 committee. On Newsnight, Rees-Moggy insisted Boris was humble and sincere, showed great leadership in getting ‘the big things right’ and dubbed Douglas Ross a ‘lightweight’.

Turning to writing projects, I replied to another e-mail from The Researcher. Developing head fug, I failed to rest. In a long episodic dream that night, I married a murderer, escaped and attended a weird conference involving in a laser fight with red-hooded figures. It was probably inspired by the magical Witcher on Netflix.

Concluding a case brought by The Good Law Project and Everydoctor, The High Court ruled awarding government contracts via a ‘VIP fast lane’ unlawful. However, it was likely Pestfix and Ayanda Capital would’ve won the bids as they offered large volumes of PPE at a critical time. Hmm! Weren’t the masks from Ayanda chucked as unsafe? Ministers said the fast track would stay for possible future emergencies. Rayner claimed it was clear the cabinet office didn’t have the resources to conduct proper due diligence. Smart motorways were paused for 5 years to gather more safety data. How many deaths did they need? GoFundMe donations enabled Alan Gosling to buy more ducks.

Dead Meat

Stripping the bed Thursday, I opened the window in sunshine, shook blankets out and Phil changed sheets while I bathed. I uploaded photos via a Google drive link from The Researcher. The takeover post looking good, I thanked her for kind words and links to my other blogs. She later proposed meeting for a beer sometime.ⁱⁱ I left a sluggish laptop updating and went to town, tarrying in the sweet shop to admire diminutive pottery houses made by a customer. At the market, I waited at the fish van for a woman to bafflingly ask if they could get seaweed for her daughter’s school project. A woman passing the pizza stall opposite the veg stall asked: “Coma stai?” The hipster mumbled a reply. “Non parli Italiano?” He smiled inanely. After she’d gone, I asked did he know what she’d said. He reckoned she was Romanian to which I remarked she spoke Italian. He insisted he knew that but obviously didn’t understand her. I enjoyed an informative chat in the deli on different dal varieties before struggling home where Phil belatedly offered help after I’d carted bags to the kitchen.

While covid hospitalisations rose in the north, cases fell in London and the South East. Encouraged by UKHSA data showing 2/3 no longer infectious after 5 days, Goblin Saj reduced self-isolation requirements accordingly (with negative tests). Reckoning people were most contagious 3-6 days after contracting covid, Prof. Reicher queried: “how is this following the science?” Boris pulled out of visiting a jab centre, ostensibly because a family member tested positive. Hiding more like! Despite his approval rating sinking to 23% after his phoney apology, senior tories rallied round, urging critics to await findings of the inquiry before judging. Scotland Yard in ‘ongoing contact’ with the cabinet office, The Times predicted no evidence of criminality would be found. Deputy CMO Van Dam notably made no mention of the PM when announcing he was leaving his secondment at the end of March to become pro-vice chancellor at Nottingham University. Fans implored a streetcar in the city be named Jonathan Van-Tram. Feargel Sharkey re-appeared on BBC Breakfast to tell us all English rivers were polluted and quote “study to be quiet.” Sound advice! A man on QT complained M&S renaming midget gems was ‘people sitting around thinking of ideas.’ He obviously never had an idea in his life! On Newscast, phone-in radio hosts reported a sea of disapproval to downing it in Downing Street. Excuses put forward by the odd defender centred on the rules being too strict. If they were too strict for them, they were too strict for those who stuck to them. Clamours for the reimbursement of fines ensued.

Friday, I left Phil sat on the bed doing tiny work to clean the bathroom of mysterious dross and work on the laptop. Again a brilliant start, the sun had sunk behind the hills but it stayed pleasant as I headed to the co-op. A nice lad assisted my hunt for products to use a member’s offer and put me in the mood for a jest with my mate at the kiosk. I remarked the hot cross buns would be stale by Easter. He assured me they’d be long gone by then and joked about being crucified. By the time I thought of a come-back, the moment had passed. Phil arrived to help at the till where I realised I had enough member’s points for a free shop.

Former Covid Taskfarce DG Kate Joseph tweeted a statement on attending drinks 17^th December to mark her departure from the cabinet office. Rage mounted with revelations of two Downing Street parties 16^th April 2021. Staff bought a suitcase-load of wine from an all-night shop. Ex-comms aide James Slack apologised ‘for the anger and hurt caused’ by his boozy leaving do. Number 10 expressed ‘deep regret’ it happened on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Was the queen bothered after stripping Prince Andrew of his royal and military titles? Keir responded Boris should’ve offered HRM a resignation, not a sorry. Instead, the dead mad drew up Operation Big Dog, a list of officials in line to tender resignations to save his own skin. So much for relying on Sue Gray’s inquiry! The list of booze-ups at number 10 growing daily, Phil observed: “No wonder this government’s’ a shower of shit. They’re drunk every day!” Tobias Ellwood said he should lead or leave but Liz Truss wished we’d ‘move on’. What to? Brexit? Cos that’s going swimmingly! GDP recovered to pre-pandemic levels before Omicron hit in November. Tesco kept on 13,000 Christmas staff to cover self-isolating colleagues. 32 migrants rescued from The English Channel near Berck, Calais, a Sudanese man died of hypothermia.

Tipsy on after-dinner wine, we laughed at Wheel of Time (it’s no Witcher) and Dmitry Kokh’s photos of polar bears living in buildings on the abandoned Soviet era meteorological station, Kolyuchin Island. Posing in the garden without wine and cheese, I bet they didn’t need a Verisure alarm!ⁱⁱⁱ

For the third day running, Saturday started dazzlingly, with hoar frost prettifying hilltop trees. Stressed at a greasy mess on the draining board from Phil’s late washing up, I kept schtum until he fiddled with the curtains trying to block sunlight from the telly.

He answered my tirade with a promise to clear up the oil slick, which he fulfilled. I hurried to dress as the sun waned and the scene turned grey and cold. Not inclined to go out, Phil started spring cleaning the kitchen, making the hearth gleam. I considered contributing but got distracted by a film, and then it was dark. Sunday drab, we abandoned plans for a walk and continued spring cleaning the kitchen, managing to not get in each other’s way too much. Pissed off at lack of outdoor photo opportunities, we snapped a Christmas cactus. The belated blooms served as a haiga subject. Leeds United back on form, we were treated to a series of goals in quick succession on MOTD resulting in a win against West Ham who knocked them out of the FA cup the previous weekend.

Following admissions of lying on forms and having meetings when infected, Australia again revoked Novax’s visa and detained him as a threat to public health until a court hearing (of law, not tennis) got him deported Sunday. Eruptions of the tongue-twistingly named Hunga-Tonga Hunga Ha’apai volcano led to a mile-high tsunami on the tiny island nation of Tonga. As Brits went missing, some idiots tried surfing the wave.

Hot on the heels of Operation Big Dog, a raft of policy announcements emerged over the weekend such as giving the army powers to intercept vessels in The Channel, abolishing the BBC licence fee and banning booze at Number 10. Err, why couldn’t the PM just do that in his own house? Referring to ‘industrial scale partying’, Keir repeated calls for The Bumbler’s resignation. Operation Red Meat a blatant distraction technique, Phil quipped: “Operation Dead Meat more like!” Maybe we should feed him to the polar bears!

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. Takeover blog: https://www.ruraldiaryproject.uk/rituals/confined-walks

iii. Polar bears in houses: https://petapixel.com/2022/01/13/photographer-finds-polar-bears-that-took-over-abandoned-buildings/

Part 94 – Troubled Waters

“Prime minister, how’s it going? Are you okay?” (Angela Rayner)

Riding The Wave

Sleeping later than planned on another bank holiday Monday, I reasoned I was still recovering from debilitation. Using up bacon for breakfast butties, I noted we’d disgustingly been cheated out of a rasher. Grey at first, it brightened up. Unseasonably warm, small birds sang and southerners reported swallows failing to migrate. I meant to get out of the house in the false spring but almost dark by the time I’d posted blogs, watched a film instead.

An average 170,000 new cases per day in the past week, hospitalisations rose 70% to 14,000. On a ‘war footing’, 6 NHS Trusts declared a state of emergency, and Nightingale hubs were planned in hospital grounds including St. James’s, Leeds. Boris said it was folly not to expect more inpatients and vital to stick with Plan B (i.e., get boosted). Meanwhile, Israelis got jab number 4. Would it ever end? Nads Zahawi refuted critical LFT shortages, telling people to refresh their browsers. Anti-lockdown demos in Amsterdam into a third day, 30 were arrested. Having put the fire out once, flames freakily re-assailed the South African parliament. The shooting of wild birds, including corvids, was legalised to protect game birds, now classed as livestock. As if you could own grouse! The parliament of crows might have something to say about that.

Achiness and fatigue returning to normal levels Tuesday, I forced myself to exercise. After a cold night, melted frost coated the inside of the bedroom window. I sketched a punky face with my finger against the crisp, sunny outlook. Phil struggling, I made porridge. He then announced he was cutting his hair and cleaning the bathroom and cheekily asked: “are you getting up today?” “I’m drinking my tea!” I retorted, listed all the tasks I had lined up, got dressed, took the tray down and cleared the kitchen. My mind-wandering over coffee was disturbed by scraping sounds. Workmen disconnected the telegraph wires before uprooting the entire pole on the street below, explaining no internet. It was a good job I mistakenly sent Welsh Friend’s birthday greetings a day early! In line with my new journal-writing regime, I edited diary and news notes before disposing of recycling, almost getting frostbite in the process. I donned extra layers before going to the co-op. A large woman came up right behind me twice. On the second occasion, I testily asked could she not wait 2 minutes? She then pointedly spent several minutes staring at cheese. I paid at the kiosk and searched for a receptacle for the old batteries I’d brought but there was none. Unable to cope with the hustle and bustle, I fled out the back door and spoke to the engineers on the way back. Realising it wasn’t their fault as subcontractors, did it not occur to anyone to let people know there’d be internet, especially on the first full workday after the Christmas break? One man barked: ‘there’s nowt we can do’. The rotting pole dangerous, they’d replace another tomorrow. I thanked his more amenable colleague for the gen. By lunchtime, the sun had gone. I fixed a pair of boots and Phil framed the old map for me.

As hospitals faced a ‘challenging winter’, Prof Fergie said rates in London were plateauing and other regions would follow within 3 weeks, but it was “just too difficult to interpret current mixing trends and what the effect of opening schools again will be.” Matthew Taylor of the NHS Confederation disagreed, saying admissions rose across Britain. At a press conference, Boris pronounced priority testing for critical workers and said ‘the utmost caution’ gave a good chance of riding the Omicron wave without more restrictions. A million new cases were recorded in America and in China, Yuzhou became the second city after Xi’an to go into lockdown as 3 asymptomatic cases were found. A surge in chicken farms led to outrageous sewage levels in the Wye Valley. Pop star and keen fisher Feargal Sharkey was incensed. While ministers consulted business on extortionate energy prices, Martin Lewis complained they didn’t ask consumer groups. A total 28,300 crossed the channel in small boats 2021, triple the number in 2020. Warner Music paid a bargainous £185 million for David Bowie’s back catalogue.

Wintry Rainbows

Wednesday morning, I lay abed as dawn broke. Was it 6, 7? No, it was gone 8. I forced myself up and opened curtains to roof frost and yellow light in the east presaging sunshine which became patchy later. I managed a full exercise routine for the first time in weeks, bathed and tidied the bedroom, spotting an engineer fiddling anew with wires in the street below (but the internet stayed on). A notice subsequently attached, explained how to object to the new telegraphy pole. I prepared for a walk early afternoon then waited impatiently for Phil. During earlier exchanges with Walking Friend, we declined an invite to go up the pike in the freezing conditions and suggested a meet at the canalside pub. When she texted their ETA, we settled on a short stroll. Still some light in the sky, sun on the water created wintry rainbows. As we neared the pub, Walking Friend and The Poet approached from the opposite direction – excellent timing! We secured the best table and supped pints. Following a washout birthday, she seemed pleased with our gifts, particularly Phil’s abstract prints. We had a lovely time eating tasty dinners, humming to retro music, laughing and conversing. She was sceptical of my suspicion the likes of Bezos and Musk would piss off in rockets after they’d monetised climate action and wrecked the planet. Phil thought their plan was to own the entire earth so we’d be in hock to them. Scary stuff! The Poet went for a taxi and we walked via dark backstreets, gazing up at a slivery crescent moon and a plethora of stars, On the main road, she proceeded town-ward. “Are you getting a bus?” “There isn’t one due so I’m going for a wander till there is.” “I wonder where?” She chuckled a cheerio. While Phil made coffee, I switched on all the Christmas lights for a final time. A mixture of a mind whirring after socialising and late caffeine-drinking, led to hardly any sleep. Using the meditation soundtrack, I briefly dropped off but was still awake when the tape ran out.

20 hospitals in a ‘state of emergency’, a review of covid restrictions involved a change in test rules. You didn’t need a PCR If an LFT proved positive, pre-departure tests before re-entry to the UK were scrapped and the isolation requirement was reduced to 5 days. John Edmunds said it made a lot of sense. Gillian Keegan claimed LFTs were very accurate and they’d trebled capacity. More likely, it was a trick to cover up shortages, exacerbated by the sole government supplier unbelievably taking a 4-day Christmas break. Scotland followed suit, ahead of a ‘revised strategic framework’. Supermarkets made £11.7 billion in December, £62 million on mince pies. ‘The Colston 4’ were found not guilty of criminal damage when they uprooted the Bristol statue in May’s BLM demos. During a French parliamentary debate about Covid Passes, Micron said he wanted to ‘emmerder’ (piss off) the unvaccinated.

Twelfth Night began very cold and frosty. Warming up slightly, sleet fell and promptly melted into a slushy mess. After a terrible night, I forced myself up for exercise and small chores before settling down with coffee to watch PMQs on iPlayer. Phil unresponsive to my repeated calls, he eventually joined me, saying he hadn’t heard. Keir isolating again, Rayner thanked the NHS for their hard work and Sue Gray for investigating Partygate. Her first question posited that with inflation at 6%, people paid the price for an incompetent government. Boris quoted a pile of figures and said labour couldn’t be trusted on Brexit or the economy. “How’s it going?” Angela smirked, going on to call the situation ‘an iceberg’: “will he finally change course or plough on to what will be a disaster for thousands of families?…He gives with one hand, takes away with another…Incompetence is taking our country backwards.” The Bumbler blustered that labour had “wrecked the country time and again.” The C**t queried health staff issues to get another load of lying stats from his boss.

Disassembling Christmas inevitably filled the rest of the day. Clearing the kitchen, a scraping noise near the window had me wondering was it workmen or the window cleaner? No. It was the wind, but not the predicted yellow thundersnow. Phil took the trees out and hoovered. I threw scraps out for the birds as Elderly Neighbour came by with the pooch. I asked how things were to be told The Wife was slowly improving. Back aching, I lay on the bed. I got no rest but incredibly slept 7 hours straight that night for the first time since my mental health issues surfaced.

Boris ‘called out’ anti-vaxxers while Novax Djokovic was refused entry and held in quarantine before the Australian Open. His family claimed he was kept prisoner without a change of clothes. Authorities said he could leave anytime. An ONS survey found 1:50 self-reported long covid in the 4 weeks to 6^th December, before the Omicron wave. ½ million of the 1.3 million had the virus a year ago. Rishi Rich refused to ditch the National Insurance hike but penalties for late tax returns were waived for a month. Boris apologised to Lord Geidt that he’d not seen WhatsApp communiqués with Lord Brownnose. Later revealed in the Electoral Commission inquiry, the donor wrote: “approval is a doddle as it’s only me and I know where the £ will come from.” Steve Reed demanded a probe over paying for access to ministers. In what started as protests against doubling fuel costs, demonstrators in Kazakhstan attacked government buildings and Almaty airport. Security forces boasted they’d killed ‘dozens’ and the Russian military arrived. Kazakh president Tokayev subsequently ordered lethal force to be used against the so-called ‘terrorists’.

Clean Sweep

Friday brought a dusting of snow, hail and sleet. Amazed I hadn’t woken during the night, I felt great for a few minutes before fatigue returned. Phil suffering from painful arms, I suggested he use Hotspur balm. Writing interrupted by his jabbering, I headed out to discover dog shit on my boots. Nowhere to sit in the wet, I struggled on the doorstep as a car careened past making me shout sweary words. Perturbed by my anger, Phil offered to scour them for me. Re-shod, I hurried to the co-op, finding gaps on veg and bread shelves. I dithered near the trolley park then decided to proceed home alone. Phil stood on the threshold and apologised for tardiness. I was just pleased he’d done the unpleasant task. Equipped with rubber gloves, a yard brush and buckets of water, I swilled and swept the dog shit down the drain. First noticed at the top of the steps Tuesday, we’d hoped for natural cleansing during wintry showers. Instead, it smeared all over the pavement. I made a mental note to expunge it immediately next time.

24 Trusts now on a ‘war footing’, staff absence rose 40.1% in a week and army troops were sent to hospitals. Alan Gosling (no kidding) was the first human to catch H5NI from a flock of Muscovy ducks he cared for. He was fine, the fowl were culled. A rise for Sainsburys and Argos staff would take their pay above the living wage. The wonderful trail-blazing Sidney Poitier died.

The weekend cold with leaden skies and dismal rain, we stayed in. Saturday, I worked on the journal, sorted Christmas cards and wrapping paper for storage and wrote to an old work friend who’d lost her husband to covid. Cooking paella, modifications made out of necessity proved successful and it tasted even better than usual. At bedtime, I slept well despite a EHS episode. Phil appeared stunned Sunday after a long kip which he put down to the small amount of beer we’d drunk. Depressed by a lack of light and fresh air, I cheered up slightly with an attempt at rocky road. Requiring far too much chocolate, I settled on a sort of tiffin cake which proved rather moreish!

146,390 new coronavirus cases and 313 reported deaths brought the death toll to over 150,000. UKHSA said there was no need for a fourth jab as data showed older adults had 90% protection 3 months after a booster. Nads Zahawi claimed we were over the peak but as it was revealed 1/5 of cases were in kids, Prof. Pagel warned a new school wave would prolong Omicron for everyone. 300,000 new cases Friday, protesters marched in French cities to piss off Micron. Amid a state of emergency and nationwide curfew, 6,000 Kazaks were arrested and at least 164 killed. Ahead of more talks, Liz Truss promised to invoke article 16 if there was no progress with the EU.

In the latest of a series of weird, rambling dreams, I conjured images of loaves of bread and mouldy oranges. Was it a message about post-Brexit food shortages?

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 92 – Fairy Tales

“Will the prime minister take time this Christmas to look in the mirror and ask himself if he has the trust and authority to lead this country?” (Keir Starmer)

Once Upon A Dream

Monday, WordPress made a mess with blue highlights but I persevered to post blogs before lunch. Putting rubbish out, the dustbin was full of water and other nasty crap. Cleaning it out was rather disgusting! Too late for yoga, I rested in bed and warmed up. During a fractious night-time sleep, I dreamt of the house with all the rooms again. This time, there were new bits including a staircase in an annex. What did it mean?

Omicron spread across the UK claiming its first death. The 10 hospital cases were aged 18- 85, mostly double-vaccinated. Goblin Saj said they were ‘throwing everything at’ the booster programme and The Bumbler, at a vax centre in Paddington, added it was at ‘warp speed’. He didn’t rule out tighter measures. No LFTs available on the official website, Boris insisted there were loads ‘in the shops’. Wes Streeting called it a ‘shambles’. Contrary to my expectations, commuter traffic fell by up to 40% and rail station footfall by 20%, signalling office-workers stayed home. Responding to Boris’ Sunday night statement, Keir supported the government’s plan because boosters gave the best chance of protecting against Omicron and advised we use the Christmas break to get 12-16 year olds jabbed and come forward if we’d not yet had any. Criticising them for not stepping up sooner, he said “time and again the public have stepped up and done the right thing,” measures really helped to prevent infection and stop the NHS being overwhelmed, and “your efforts will save lives.” He thanked the NHS for their ‘dedication, skill and sheer hard work’. It sounded a tad more sincere than Witless’ tweet. South Africa taking Omicron ‘in their stride’, the death rate during the fourth wave was much lower than in previous ones but the president was infected. Nat West bank were fined for laundering money from Fowler Oldfield jewellers in Bradford who allegedly recycled gold.

In a dream week for labour, Jess Philips hosted HIGNFY. Watching the repeat, we had a good laugh at the Italian false arm story and excuses for not restoring power in the North East after Storm Arwen – the wrong type of wind blew in the wrong direction apparently!

Hearing a knock at the door Tuesday morning, I suspected it was the awaited parcel. Phil got there before me and I shouted down instructions not to read it. I typed up a plethora of news notes and went to the Post Office, miraculously almost queue-less and quick, then to the co-op. A cluster of ditherers crowded round the seasonal shelf so I had to circle round to buy treats. In the afternoon, we fetched boxes of decorations from the attic and decorated the Christmas trees. He had a siesta but I eschewed mine to continue.

UKHSA predicted a million Omicron cases a day by the middle of next week and Witless warned of rising hospitalisations. The infected could now take daily LFTs again instead of isolating if fully vaccinated; if they could get hold of them. LFT issues persisted and PCR slots weren’t available in walk-ins or drive-throughs across England. The red list to be abandoned Monday, testing rules remained. Amid criticism of the booster programme for lack of warning or preparation, the NHS booking site crashed, 6 hour queues formed at walk-ins and people were turned away from vax centres. With confusion about whether the latest proclamation meant boosters would be given or just offered by 31^st December, pledges were made to be open 12 hours a day ‘as standard’ including Christmas Day if needed and the 15 minute post-jab wait was scrapped.

Several MPs reportedly self-isolating, the commons voted on Plan B including mandatory jabs for health staff. Marcus Fish was among 100 tory backbenchers defying the government, saying it wasn’t Nazi Germany: ‘papers please’. Sturgeon announced Scotland’s winter plan, involving social-distancing in shops, more contact-tracing in hospitality, working from home, minimising social mixing to a maximum 3 households, and taking LFTs but allowing Christmas parties. Tory MSPs berated her for only just bringing in mass vax centres.

Mirror, Mirror

Waking a smidge before 8 Wednesday, I stopped the alarm going off. Phil was sniffly. Deciding I’d go to the deceased friend’s funeral service but not chance the wake, he joshed he wasn’t coming to the chapel but would go to the club later to spread his germs around! Obviously he didn’t. As I left the house very early for me, at least it was sunny after a grey start to the week. I nodded to people I vaguely recognised in front of the chapel and spoke to a few fellow old pub mates. We carefully filed in to find every other pew roped off. Slightly squashed between German Friend and bald men, I kept my eyes front and mask on, even when singing. Back outside, I cautiously evaded hugs, agreed with the deceased friend’s daughter the flowers were impressive (sourcing sunflowers was quite a feat at this time of year) and reminisced with Painting Friend about the escapade when the deceased friend’s sister came to our house after the pub, headed home and got lost in the crags. Phil later remined me she knocked her teeth out which could explain why she looked much older! I walked Painting Friend as far as the corner pub to catch up – she’d had 4 jabs including flu and was really busy with work, due to the DIY craze and last years’ hiatus. Back home, I finished decorating the living room. Phil ate ancient mint sweets. The first one okay, he put a second in his gob, pulled a face and rushed to spit it out. “Serves you right!” I laughed. Exhausted, I lay down to rest. My eyes were shutting but inevitably I failed to sleep.

78,500 daily cases, a record since the start of the pandemic, Omicron infections more than doubled every day nationwide. At a press briefing, Witless called it a really serious threat and warned ‘don’t mix’. Boris stuck to his guns on Plan B. Pubs clamouring for more money, Rishi was on a jaunt in California. During PMQs, Keir pointed out Plan B wouldn’t have passed if it wasn’t for labour votes. Saying “We cannot go on with a PM who is too weak to lead,” he asked if he’d use the Christmas break to look in the mirror and ask himself if he had the trust and authority to lead? Boris retorted he understood colleagues’ anxieties about restrictions on liberty but believed ‘the approach we are taking is balanced and proportionate’. Problems getting tests into a third day, Jenny Harries denied there were insufficient LFTs but an astounding number of requests caused ‘some temporary pressure.’ Scotland was the first UK nation to boost 50% of adults. The Daily Mirror revealed yet another tory revel. Shaun Bailey and his campaign mates posed next to a sumptuous buffet at the tory party HQ. He was forced to resign from the London Assembly crime panel – ha. Ha! Lady Hallett was announced as chair of the inquiry into government’s handling of the pandemic to start early 2022. Bereaved families said fine, but it should have come much sooner. Due to ‘severe and increasing difficulties’ in the sector, the Migration Advisory Committee’s annual report advised care workers be put on the shortage of occupation list (SOL). Bragging they were the only supermarket to give staff paid breaks, Aldi announced a pay rise to £10.10 an hour from February 2022. In Dresden, an anti-lockdown, anti-vax Telegram group planned to assassinate Saxon president Michael kretschmer, leading to police raids.

Required to shut the laptop down the previous evening, I waited impatiently for it to restart Thursday morning so I could get to work. I prepared remaining cards to mail including one for Phil’s sister, asked him to post them on his way to the station and went to the market. The owner of next door sat on the bench on the new bridge, after visiting the dentist. I’d not had my teeth checked out for 2 years but 2 hospital visits convinced me clinical settings were probably the safest places in a pandemic! At the fish van, the woman in front of me ordered items for next week and asked what time they opened. “We start serving at 7,” the fishmonger replied. “I’ll be here at 7 then.” His wife laughed, “He’s been telling everyone that. If you come first thing there’ll be a huge queue!” None on the stalls, I went to the new veg shop on the hunt for chestnuts. No luck but I did get giant mushrooms and pomegranates. As I walked back, the carrier bag painfully collided with my leg. Stupid pomegranates! Phil came towards me and confirmed he’d got the cards for posting. Knackered, I dumped the bags, made a hasty lunch, and cleaned the bedroom. A long time since I’d done so without Phil’s help, I managed okay. Phil rang early evening from his studio. He’d sent me photos on Insta of some of his prints. Never having used the messaging feature, I faffed to view them and suggested which to bring home. Making charity donations online, one site required an additional ‘donation’ even though there was no platform fee – what was that about? I’d just finished my dinner when Phil returned. Cold, knackered, and with sore feet after walking over 15,000 steps round a deserted city in actual shoes, he cheered up watching Netflix – the end of Money Heist didn’t disappoint.

Boris was accused of ‘lockdown by stealth’ with scientific advisers running the show – about time, if true. Boris later played down a split with ‘experts’, saying he and Witless were on the same page. Witless told the health & social care committee Omicron hospitalisations were likely higher than the 15 confirmed. He didn’t want to dictate what people did but advised they prioritise and it’d be better in future when vaccines and anti-viral drugs did the ‘heavy lifting’ against mutants. Wes Streeting wanted ‘a deal to help hospitality’. Gillian Keegan insisted there was. The Queen cancelled her traditional pre-Christmas family party as it put too many people’s plans at risk. Eurostar already sold out, UK tourist and business travellers were banned from France. From Saturday, you needed ‘compelling reasons’ to go and evidence of 2 negative tests with 2 days’ isolation in-between. Inflation at 5.1% in November, the highest for a decade, fuel, energy, food and clothes prices were to blame. The BOE raised the interest rate to 0.25%. Hitting mortgage-payers and not passed onto savers, it was a lose-lose! Tory since 1832, Lib Dems won the North Shropshire byelection. While new MP Helen Morgan celebrated in Oswestry, the 1922 committee put Boris ‘on notice’.

The QT panel were asked if lockdown was inevitable. Lisa Nandy said we must do everything we can and the government weren’t doing their bit. Chris Hopson of NHS Providers told us we didn’t know enough about Omicron yet, the NHS was the busiest it’d ever been, and although vaccines had ‘changed the rules of the game’, staff would go off sick as infections rose and we needed clear and consistent messaging. Tory boy Chris Philp denied ‘mixed messages’ and blathered about numbers. Stewart Hosie, SNP, complained with the ‘one rule for them and another for everyone else’, mixed messages ‘couldn’t be more stark’. Olivia Utley of the Torygraph, thought there was too much messaging, we should manage our own risk and the vulnerable should stay indoors. Not that again! On if we’d gone from ‘world-beating’ to chaotic shambles, Hopson said the vulnerable must be prioritised and the NHS was trying hard to ramp up capacity. Tory Boy promised the sooner we all got vaccinated, the sooner the economy would go back to normal. Nandy claimed the government were more interested in bluster than detail, and accused Rishi of being MIA. Discussing investment in Stoke, which had more than the national average of deprived areas, Tory Boy reeled off more figures. Nandy berated him for arrogance, saying local people, not Westminster, knew what northern towns needed. The questioner applauded: ‘you’re bang on the money tonight, love!’ Others agreed ‘levelling up’ stopped at Watford Gap and she was the only one who’d connected with them.

Cobblers

Foggy with frost on the hills, the poor crows squatted on aerials all puffed up waiting for their brekkie Friday morning. It brightened later only to go dark again mid-afternoon. Struggling with fatigue, I rallied after a few exercises, headed to the tat market for a couple of items and rushed back to the co-op, remarkably well-stocked apart from turkeys. Phil caught up with me in the aisles, carried bags home and commented on loose cobbles on the street below – just waiting for an accident and subsequent legal action! Indoors, the house was as freezing as outdoors.

Over 93,000 cases, Omicron was now the dominant strain in Scotland. Also rising across Europe (including France), Ursula Von Hitler said it was growing at a ‘ferocious rate’. Boosters were found to cut the risk of serious illness by 85%. New measures for Wales entailed taking an LFT a day before meeting up, outside if possible. Further restrictions would follow on Boxing Day for nightclubs and hospitality (with money to help those affected) as they would in Northern Ireland and Scotland where financial talks were due. Rishi cut short his California trip to meet business leaders. Another alleged Whitehall party on 15^th May 2020 involved wine and pizza, unbelievably to thank aides for work during lockdown! Metro said the first person to die of Omicron was a conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxer. But the Telly Doctor on Jeremy Vine said it was a 70 plus recluse and a mystery how he caught it. Which version was cobblers? Food banks reported a ‘sudden and worrying’ increase in demand in the runup to Christmas thanks to removal of the Universal Credit uplift, and soaring food and energy costs. Clement Bonehead sought EU legal action over French licenses in the month-long fish war.

The fog didn’t lift at all during the weekend. Saturday brekkie was made stressful by a cluttered kitchen. As I slid on a slippery patch on the floor, my slipper flew off and vanished under the cooker. I Panicked before managing to retrieve it. I worked on the journal, cleaned and put more Christmas stuff up. Phil went into a packed town centre. “People are egg-nogging the shit out of it!” “I’m not surprised if they think there’s going to be a lockdown next week!” in the evening, he cooked his signature burgers leaving the grill pan full of fat.

Sunday, I hurried to the market – not too busy with al fresco drinkers in the freezing conditions! I got a selection of dirty veg (everything but the chestnuts), popped in the convenience store and headed home to dispose of a pile of recycling, flopped on the sofa to recover and wrote a haiga based on a knitted angel on the town’s tree. Making the Christmas cake, I’d spent an hour on prep before Phil eventually came to help. Waiting for it to bake, we watched catch-up to be interrupted by a knock at the door. A woman wearing a lanyard barked: “Number 37. Do we know this lady?” Wondering who ‘we’ were, I eyed her blankly, then deduced she meant Elderly Neighbour – they had her name down wrong. She asked if anyone else lived there. “Yes, her husband.” I stepped out to investigate. The Student leaned out of her landing window, we concurred that if nobody was home, they must be at the hospital and she messaged him.

90,000 new cases and 12 deaths from Omicron, leaked sage minutes predicted 3,000 hospitalisations per day by January and advised extra measures now. Neil Ferguson called it ‘precarious’. A worried Khan declared a state of emergency in London. Thousands of anti-vaxxers took no notice. At a ‘freedom rally’, masked cops with batons faced unmasked protestors moving from Parliament Square to Downing Street. Vaccine minister Maggie Throup went to Derby to pose in a Post Office vest and pretend to deliver tests. All 4 UK national leaders met urgently, without Boris. Simon Case resigned after hilariously discovering he was at his own party on 17^th December. Sue Gray took over his investigations. After his original plan to go in January was leaked to the Daily Mail, Lord Frosty wrote Boris his immediate resignation, citing covid measures. A spat on a WhatsApp group led to Nads Doris being chucked off. Rayner said the tories were ‘in chaos’. On the last ever Marr show, Goblin Saj fawned that Frosty was an ‘outstanding public servant’. Liz Truss would take over with European minister Chris Heaton-Harris as deputy. A month-long lockdown began in Holland. Most premier league matches called off Saturday, 25% of players were unvaccinated. Phil reckoned they listened to their wives who lived on social media and believed all the Facebook tales. Leeds versus Arsenal the only game on, the rule that if they had a squad of 14 they played, seemed a load of cobblers. Fans chanting ‘Boris Johnson is a c*nt!’ went viral.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 88 –Off The Rails

“This was the first test of ‘levelling up’ and the government has completely failed and let down everybody in the north” (Keir Starmer)

Hitting The Buffers

No way I could do anything Monday morning, I crawled back in bed. Frustrated at hitting the buffers again, I kept occupied posting blogs and writing, until the inevitable head fug set in. Phil’s crafty homemade bread looked hefty. Very tasty, it got eaten before becoming a Midsomer murders weapon! After dinner, we watched part of the World Cup qualifier. England slaughtered San Marino 10-0 in a ridiculous match. Why were the tiny team even in the running?

16-17 year olds to get a second dose, Goblin Saj said he’d take advice on boosters for the under 40’s. Boris repeated “storm clouds were gathering over Europe” and Oliver Dowdy said it was up to us to prevent a lockdown Christmas. But festive dinners were back on the menu as thousands of foreign workers were recruited. Only half the available visas taken up before the deadline, it was judged enough to kill turkeys. Labour called for publication of papers on Owen Paterson’s advocacy for Randox and details of government contracts awarded. They also planned to investigate time spent on second jobs and force a vote to ban MPs from paid consultancies or directorships. Boris later copied them. Keir hailed it as a victory. A PM spokesman called Belarus forcing a migrant crisis and trying to undermine the EU ‘abhorrent’ and vowed to hold the Lukashenko regime accountable. After a taxi exploded outside Liverpool women’s hospital Sunday, cobra raised the terror threat level to severe. The passenger asked to be driven to the hospital just before 11 a.m., when remembrance services took place. Later named as Emad Al Swealmeen, he blew himself up. Driver David Perry escaped uninjured. Anti-terror officers questioned 4 people and conducted forensic searches. It emerged the bomb contained ball bearings which could have inflicted serious injury.

I slept deeply well into Tuesday morning until roused by Phil. “Is it late?” “Yes. Shall I open the budgie curtains?” “No, I can do it. You shouldn’t really wake me when I’m ill. “Sorry; just making sure you’re alright.” Less fatigued but sneezy, I worked on the journal all morning. While Phil went to the co-op, I took washing out the of machine, struggled taking the basket upstairs and collapsed on the bed to read the nature trail booklet I got in the charity shop last week, when the phone rang. A very nice Dr. Jekyll arranged for a self-test kit to be left at the surgery reception for me. Quiet time wasn’t quiet at all as the chainsaws predictably started up at dusk. It was also a struggle to sleep at night-time.

ONS reported 995 deaths w/e 5^th November, the highest since w/e 12^th March. Jeremy Vine said 94% of Singaporeans were vaccinated and estimated 5 million refuseniks in the UK. Where did he get that from? The Tesco Christmas ad garnered 3,000 complaints as Santa brandished a Covid Pass. Politico revealed 47 companies got PPE contracts via the ‘VIP lane’ as recommendations from ministers and top civil servants were seen as ‘more credible’. Russia blew up a satellite, ISS astronauts had to shelter and the USA said they were weaponising space. Unemployment down to 4.3%, employment and vacancies were up. How come? Were they made up jobs? The Nord Stream 2 Pipeline was held up by a need to be registered as a German company. Recalling Phil’s experience of trying to navigate their complicated system, I exclaimed: “Mein got! Good luck with that!” Phil chuckled: “You must go to the post office in Stuttgart…”

The Great Train Robbery

Forced up after hardly any sleep Wednesday, I felt really crap. Phil half asleep, I fetched brekkie from a freezing kitchen, got back in bed, wrote ‘Autumn Medley’ for Cool Placesⁱ and watched PMQs.

The tory MPs who bothered to turn up, appeared in masks. Keir asked had Boris broken his promise on Crossrail for the North? Boris replied: ‘wait and see’, as the IRP* signalled ‘the biggest programme of investment in rail for a century’ and levelling up across the UK. Turning to another broken promise, Keir asked the PM to confirm scrapping the eastern leg of HS2. Boris blathered that northern people would benefit massively. Keir noted he’d still not said yes. Going onto Owen Paterson, he advised the PM to do the decent thing and say sorry for giving the green light to corruption. Boris reiterated the need for a cross-party approach to ensure nobody exploited their position and asked Kier how he earned money from law firm Mishcon de Reya before becoming leader. Lindsay Hoyle admonished, it was for him to answer, not ask questions. Keir called him “a coward, not a leader.” Spending weeks defending sleaze, “waving one white flag won’t be enough to restore trust.” (he subsequently retracted ‘coward’ as unparliamentary language). Boris went on about working together, addressing the appeals process and accused Keir of trying to prosecute others for actions he’d taken himself. Hoyle waded in again: “We play by the rules, don’t we?” and Keir added: “Upholding standards didn’t last long…when someone in my party breaks the rules, I kick them out. He tries to get them off the hook.” A full independent investigation was the only way to get to the bottom of how Paterson helped Randox get £600 million in contracts. Boris later told the commons liaison committee it was a mistake to try to save Paterson and suggested he was misled by colleagues.

Unable to get to shops, I placed an Ocado order, adding some Christmas stuff, and bought a couple of things from evil Amazon. The café owner texted asking Phil to take his pictures down. “Maybe you’re not the best artist in town after all!” I jibed. Actually, it was to make space for tinsel. He also received an invite for a booster. Where was mine? Had it failed to come because my phone was updating all day? I looked on the NHS central system but the local health centre not an option, I left it.

Due to energy, fuel, food and hospitality costs, inflation reached 2% in October, twice the BOE target and the highest in a decade. Lidl to increase wages by 6% from March, they’d be the best-paying supermarket. BBC news went to Belfast where Lord Frosty Gammon was after an agreement to alter the protocol. If that wasn’t possible, he’d use article 16 to suspend the parts he didn’t like. Acknowledging difficulties, the EU had already come up with a ‘reasonable package’ but Frosty wanted more radical change. Nasty Patel said a ‘dysfunctional asylum system’ allowed the likes of Al Swealmeen to remain and carry out terror attacks. That’s your fault! As Thangam Debonnaire pointed out, tories had been in charge for 11 years!

Still crap Thursday, I became exhausted after bathing, changing sheets and fetching coffee and dossed in bed before working on the takeover blog for The Researcher. It looked better than I remembered since leaving it when overtaken by life events last month. Phi went to the co-op and noticed the front door had been washed. From the landing window I saw the window cleaner’s van and advised Phil to be ready for the knock. He went to the kitchen but sure enough, the window cleaner rapped on the door. I shouted down, to be answered by the window cleaner. Eventually Phil heard me, paid and went back to making lunch. Getting afternoon coffee, I noted Phil had scrubbed the washing up bowl to blinding effect.

Saj promised the NHS Federation they’d get what they needed. The Environment Agency were investigating 2,000 sewage treatment works with findings possibly leading to prosecution and fines. Shats announced the IRP aka The Great Train Robbery. As expected, he scrapped HS2 to Leeds and Northern Powerhouse Rail (NPR). Instead, there’d be £96bn to upgrade the East Coast mainline and improve existing track (£42bn of which was already committed to HS2 between London and Birmingham). Tracy Brabin at Leeds station said it wasn’t what was promised. Anger from the Northern Research Group and in the commons, Keir said Boris had ripped up promises and failed the north: “You can’t believe a word the PM says.” Idiotically dressed up in orange at a Network Rail logistics hub near Selby, Boris retorted that was ‘total rubbish’: “Those extra high-speed lines take decades, and they don’t deliver the commuter benefits…we will eventually do them.” Money for Leeds super-tram was confirmed and Khan asked for another £1.9 bn for TfL.

On Question Time, Stephen Flynn, SNP labelled the debacle just another broken promise to add to a long list: ‘just look at the record’. Tory Mims Davies insisted they’d been honest. Stella Creasey guffawed, her own backbenchers were red-faced with shame. Creasey criticised Nasty Patel’s’ divisive immigration language and said we didn’t know if those arriving on boats were ‘illegal’. As 125,000 asylum-seekers awaited decisions, they always looked for someone else to blame. Mims asked Steve why Scotland didn’t take refugees. He snapped back, because they didn’t get any money to pay for it, adding the swell of refugees was our fault for warring in the Middle East and we had a duty to look after them. Discussing MPs second jobs, lawyer Nazi Afzal suggested they pick fruit and stack shelves. Good idea! I’d add clean toilets! A brainless Canadian psychologist said only 3% of the population were psychopathic and being corrupt was counter-productive. An audience member shouted: “why are the 3% in charge then?” creating much mirth.

Laura K interviewed Irish PM Micheal Martin for Newscast. He blamed all the problems on Brexit. The agreement signed in good faith, there weren’t ‘an abundance of checks’ at the border and the EU sincerely wanted to engage and get a solution; possible with goodwill on both sides. Previously saying it’d be ‘reckless’ to trigger article 16, he was encouraged by dialogue between Frosty and Maros Sefcovic and diplomatically pleaded: ‘don’t make it another nightmare Christmas!’

Backtracking

Very bright early Friday morning, I peeped through the curtains to view a bright dawn with blue sky and arty clouds, but the sun didn’t last long. Feeling slightly better but still fatigued, it took a while to come round. I worked on blogs and spotted a message saying the amazon package would arrive later. I told Phil not to answer the door. “Why? Is it a nutter?” It came when he was at the co-op, disturbing my quiet time. I stuck a hoodie to stand at the bottom of the stairs while a young man handed me the parcel. I faffed with packaging, hid the contents, lay back down again, then Phil returned, rousing me again. In the evening, we drank wine moderately, watched films and the first episode of the big new Prime release. We spent the first half hour of Wheel of Time laughing at hammy acting but it was suitable viewing after a few glasses.

Keir came on BBC Breakfast to complain the betrayal of the north proved ‘levelling up’ was just words. Re-announcing NPR 60 times, everything was a mess under this government. Holyrood was to crack down on mask-wearing while a plethora of measures continued to be implemented across Europe. Over 65,000 covid cases reported in a day, Germany banned communal working for those without antibodies and Belgians had to work at home 4 days a week. Upper Austria and Salzburg imposed lockdowns, followed Monday by the whole country for 20 days. Vaccinations would be compulsory from February. Chancellor Schallenberg called it ‘very painful’. Doctors welcomed the move. A demo against proposed mandatory vaccines and a ban on New Year fireworks turned into a riot in Rotterdam. Protestors threw rocks and fireworks and set cop cars on fire. Seven were injured including at least 2 shot by police. The Czechia and Slovakia locked down the unvaccinated. National news asked: was the UK on a different track? 1:65 infected, the trend was down on the previous week. Lukashenko admitted troops were helping migrants to the Polish border and refused to stop the flow. He didn’t give a shit! New culture sec Nads Doris said social media was hijacked by left-wing snowflakes.

I’d hoped to be better by the weekend but alas, I not much. After a mediocre night, I failed to lie in Saturday. Really bright again, the first frost of the season amplified brilliant sunlight. I went down for brekkie then returned to bed and worked on the laptop until head fug set in.

Breakfast a palaver Sunday, I got stressed, and a series of niggles led to harsh words and foul moods. When Phil asked if I wanted to go for a walk, I yelled “I’m not well!” and stomped off back to bed. Upset and fed up still being stuck indoors, I wanted to simultaneously cry and scream but forced myself to write. He came to make amends, apologised for rowing and managed to make me laugh. He then stood at the foot of the bed in distracting fashion. I told him to go out. I read the winter issue of Valley Life Magazine, took photos through the window of yellow trees across the valley, wrote a haiga using a photo of a late hawkweedⁱⁱ, and worked on the Christmas card. Bad feelings gradually waned but I was still depressed. Phil went in search of inspiration and came back with bargain mincemeat. The town centre was rammed of course, as I’d guessed from parked cars snaking up the road opposite. Loads of Christmas markets cancelled, I joked: “That’s because they’re all here!” Phil agreed: “It’s already like one out there!”

Boris caught mask-less on trains again, Mick Lynch of RMT said he sent ‘all the wrong signals’. Riots in Brussels, Vienna and across Holland led to injuries, 3 bullet wounds and 51 arrests in Rotterdam. WHO worried about the situation in Europe. Prof Pollard told Marr it was unlikely we’d see the same sharp rise as UK rates had been climbing since summer and boosters would reduce transmission. But as people in poorer countries still weren’t vaccinated, it remained a ‘major global public health problem’. Goblin Saj spouted a load of numbers, including claims protection increased from 50-90% with boosters; the key to us not going the way of Europe. Extended to 40-49 year olds in the coming week, I still didn’t have my invite. Maros Sefcovic said the EU was trying to help curb spiralling infections by encouraging vaccine take-up and thought hesitancy was caused by problems at the start of year, followed by a better picture in summer, leading to a sense of complacency. On Brexit, he felt some progress was made but not on process. While implying urgency, Lord Frosty made no counter-proposals to the ones from the EU in June.

Tesla drivers were locked out of their own cars and as the wheels came off Manchester United, Phil laughed at yet another heavy defeat. A sacked Ole Gunnar Solskjaer gave the ‘we’ve let ourselves down’ speech.

* IRP – Integrated Rail Plan

Reference:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 87 – Stranger Than Fiction

“If somebody is spending a huge amount of time on a second job, then they can’t be maintaining support for their constituents” (Lord Evans)

Masking The Truth

Waking at dawn on a cold, blustery Monday, I fell back to sleep until quite late. The plaster came off my cut thumb in the bath. As soreness prevailed, maybe it wasn’t a good idea cutting a flap of dead skin off. Phil announced there was a letter for me. Fearing the worst, I took my time opening it, but it was good news. “That’s that then,” Phil declared, “at least it was only a few weeks rather than years of investigation.” “Yes but why am I losing weight?” “You’re not eating enough.” “I think I am. I might ring the GP to get other bits checked out.” Assailed by a keen wind taking recycling out, I vowed to stay indoors, texted Walking Friend to arrange lunch midweek, posted blogs and worked on the next episode of the journal until head fug forced a halt. Nodding off with a dry throat that evening, I hoped I wasn’t getting ill and went up early.

Furious MPs held a 3-hour emergency debate on parliamentary standards. Hardly anyone on the tory side of the chamber (incidentally bare-faced), The Bumbler didn’t turn up at all, conveniently having a prior engagement at Hexham General Hospital. He said the train didn’t get back in time. In fact, it pulled into Kings Cross at 5.30 p.m. and the session went on until 7. His approval rating dropped to -16. Belarus sent migrants to the Polish border leading to the declaration of a state of emergency and Brussels claiming Lukashenko, in league with Russia, sought to destabilise the EU in retaliation for sanctions. Flying to the USA allowed, I got a message from booking.com telling me to book a holiday.

Tuesday, I worked on the journal while Phil worked on his new click job. Using headphones, I remarked it was easier to know when he was actually doing a work, rather than looking at crap on his phone but he disliked wearing them. I had to go to the co-op before lunch again. At least it was quiet. When head fug set in late afternoon, I changed activity to iron and stow some summer clothes.

The deadline for care workers to be fully vaccinated looming, Jeremy Vine debated mandatory NHS jabs. A sacked carer in tears said she had no choice. “Yes, you did!” I screamed at the telly and raged at the lack of medical bods to counter her daft claims that the vaccine was untested and ineffective. Later, Goblin Saj announced 2 jabs would be compulsory for frontline NHS staff from 1^st April, unless medically-exempt. Some predicted 123,000 health and care workers could leave rather than be inoculated. Forced to defend Boris visiting the hospital mask-less yesterday, The Goblin insisted his boss followed the rules. But the DOH, as Rabid Raab was reminded on BBC Breakfast, advised all ‘must continue to wear a face covering at all times.’ Recent experience taught me this was the case, even in corridors. TfL reported ¾ of staff had suffered abuse over the issue and blamed Boris for mixed messages. Second jobs becoming a big issue, Devon MP and lawyer Geoffrey Cox allegedly used his Westminster office to earn almost £900,000 representing the Virgin Islands on a corruption case. Annalise Dodds asked for an investigation. It then transpired Cox claimed £22,000 a year to rent a London flat while letting out another one for £10,000. You couldn’t make this stuff up!

Cover Story

After raining all night, Wednesday stayed miserable. About to shake throws out, I heard voices and opened the door to see a man almost on the doorstep while the woman from next-door-but-one stood in the street under an umbrella. Phil later witnessed them doing a photoshoot. “The glamour never stops round here!” Suitably attired, I waited for Walking Friend who was coming straight from having a booster jab. “How was it?” “I don’t know yet.” We walked to the town centre, discussed my travails and went to the Turkish café where she told me her news. Her oldest friend had died suddenly last month. Much more traumatic than my own woes, I felt bad rambling on about them. The only relatives a distant brother-in-law and an elderly aunt, she ended up organising the funeral which took place the previous day. Although a sad occasion, she was pleased to see several old acquaintances and receive donations for cat rescue. On a pleasanter note, we shared stories about our September breaks before doing the rounds of charity shops and gazing at the river. The heron stood alert on the weir and she spotted kingfishers. Of course they’d gone by the time I looked. Feeling out-of-sorts, she was unsure if it was grief, stress or side-effects from the Pfizer. I empathised and walked with her towards the bus stop. Back home, I slumped on the sofa, briefly updated Phil and went for a lie down.

The Welsh government extended mandatory face-coverings to cinemas and theatres. Geoffrey Cox denied breaching parliamentary rules. The Bumbler went to COP26 for publication of the draft ‘cover decision’ to be agreed by the end of the summit. Criticism came from Greenpeace and Christian Aid, for not including dates or obligations, being too soft, too slow, not enough, and containing gaps such as money for poor countries. John Kerry announced a surprise agreement between China and USA, pledging to cut emissions and move to clean energy. While Andy Bowie resigned over sleaze, Boris unedifyingly had to address the row and insist the UK parliament wasn’t corrupt. It didn’t escape notice that last week he flew from Glasgow so he wouldn’t miss dinner with his chums at the Garrick Club, but this week, he took trains so he could skip important commons debates. Again mask-less until he alighted in Scotland where they were obligatory, some said he was sending his own message. Merkel called on Russia to intervene on the Belarussian ‘inhumane’ treatment of migrants, pushing them to the Polish border. Astronauts returning from ISS on Space X wore nappies because the toilet broke.

Feeling slightly ill again Thursday, I took Echinacea and attempted some exercise. After breakfast, Phil commandeered the bathroom while I sorted washing, did chores and made coffee. The market thankfully not busy, I got mussels at the fish van, but no parsley. “That’s’ because of the mussels,” I told him. How can you have mussels without parsley?” “Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll get more next time.” The sociopath German hippy was chatting to the jolly veg man so I retreated to the square where a busker played guitar, threw a coin in his case and shared a smile. He was actually pretty good, unlike an erstwhile teacher playing trumpet really badly round the corner. Almost as horrific as her crooning, at least she couldn’t sing with the instrument in her gob! I saw an old pub friend’s daughter on the way back. She updated me on her mum, her 2 jobs and not being a manager at Aldi as German Friend told me. Planning to go to Leeds, Phil was still home and criticised my treatment of the mussels. I told him to sod off and faffed trying to keep them in a net bag but as I dunked them in a bowl of oats and water, they weren’t fully covered so I had to snip the bag creating evil micro-plastic – grr! I edited ‘Copperopolis’ and posted the update on Cool Placesⁱ then rang the GP surgery. 11^th in the queue, I waited to get a tele appointment next Tuesday before a lie down. I didn’t fully relax but warmed up somewhat.

Phil returned in time for dinner. Calling into the café after a good day in Leeds, he found 2 more prints sold. They wanted him to leave his pictures up as they were the most popular they’d ever had. “it’s official. You’re the most successful local artist…in that café!” I laughed. “Not a very high bar!”

The Kings Fund warned the NHS was ‘on its knees’ with overstretched and exhausted staff and chronic workforce shortages. German daily cases up 3,500 in a week, the interim government took the same approach as the UK but fearing a hospital emergency, medics wanted lockdown. Chair of the committee on standards in public life, Lord Evans said if an MP spent lots of time on a second job, they couldn’t be supporting their constituents. Rishi Rich insipidly said they ‘must do better’. Red wall tories were livid with the old guard protecting their own. Ben Wally wrote to labour and the SNP about 3 MPs accused of drunkenness on a flight to Gibraltar as part of the Armed Forces Parliamentary Scheme. Nicola Sturgeon called the claims concerning Drew Hendry and David Linden ‘false’. Labour said Charlotte Nichols experienced an ‘episode’. Tories rejected counter-claims their own MPs got drunk that night and said it was ‘quite clearly a desperate attempt to deflect attention.’ A more likely story was that it was the other way round! A record 1,200 migrants crossed the channel in a single day and 3 were lost at sea. 23,000 so far reaching Kent in 2021 was already more than the whole of 2020. Critics still sceptical COP26 would achieve anything, Look North reported ITM Power would be the largest producer of green hydrogen power, creating 300 jobs on the old Sheffield airport site by the end 2022. The ONS reported the economy grew 1.3%.

Still iffy Friday, I pottered before an uneventful trip to the co-op. Cleaning the bathroom later, I heard the landline ring. Phil answered and impatiently brandished the handset while I washed my hands. The hospital consultant told me the test results, which I’d already had, and said there was nothing to worry about which was re-assuring. Telling Phil, he pulled a face in mock-disgust: “That’s enough of that women’s stuff!”

ONS data showed infections fell across the UK to 1:60 people. Highest rates in England among school years 7 to 11, the trend was ‘uncertain’ in 12-24 and 35-49 year olds. WHO reported Europe ‘back at the epicentre of the pandemic’ with deaths up 10% across the continent, mainly driven by outbreaks in Russia and Eastern Europe. Numbers high in Germany, Merkel said people had a duty to get vaccinated and a partial lockdown was imposed in Holland. Boris mixed his metaphors wittering about storm clouds gathering and seeing before what happened when waves started rolling in. At COP26, a re-drafted ‘cover decision’ included more on money for poor countries and a request for all nations to strengthen plans to cut emissions but weakened commitments on fossil fuels. Red Ed warned the 1.5⁰ goal was ‘in mortal peril’. John Kerry thought things were moving in the right direction but not done yet. Alok Sharma admitted disagreements remained and called for a last push to find ‘pragmatic and workable solutions’. Negotiations lasted an extra day. Californian wildfires covered a million acres. Firefighters losing the battle, they saved Gen Sherman.

Inconclusive

Saturday morning was so dazzling I could hardly see. Too much wine the previous night didn’t help. Putting empty bottles out, the woman who lived next door pulled up. She asked if we had a spare USB adaptor for her phone. I dug one out and said she could keep it. We caught the last two hours of sunshine on a gloriously warm day, hurrying through the ridiculously busy town centre and up into woodland. The mellowing canopy visible from our street, it didn’t disappoint close up with fading greens and yellows punctuated by golden oranges.

Stepping aside for a pregnant woman in pagan apparel, accompanied by a man and a woman with a camera, the latter smiled at us: “A lovely day for pictures!” She said in a pronounced Eastern European accent. Was it a belated Samhain photoshoot? The full stream easy to navigate on large stones and wooden bridge, we continued up between fields of large goats and sheep with curly horns. Two Asian teenagers stood near the top gate, doing selfies and giggling. “We’ll never know why that’s so funny!” observed Phil. We climbed slowly to the corner, rested on a bench and proceeded upwards. Capturing valley views, Phil clambered on a wall and cut his hand on barbed wire. I helped him patch the painful gash with tissue and hand gel which stung mightily. I distracted him from the pain by pointing to the ground “mini apples!” “Oak apples.” “Do oaks have apples as well as acorns?” “No, it’s caused by a parasitic wasp.” “How odd. I’m not sure I’ve seen that before.” At the end of the lane, we curved down into the clough, remarking on how different it looked compared to last month. Carefully watching our footing, we got scared at the sight of two fierce-looking mutts but the family held them as we past. We avoided town to reach home where I helped Phil unload so he could treat his injury before collapsing on the couch. Dinner delicious, the fishmonger’s other customers might have been right that the Shetland mussels were the best ever.

Making breakfast Sunday morning, I noted the bread I bought Friday was almost gone. I’d had 3 slices. Phil atoned by baking some. He also fixed the front door lock which wasn’t always catching and the bedroom door which was sticking. After wasting half an hour getting a fly to go out the bedroom window, I spent the rest of the day watching telly films, writing a haigaⁱⁱ and working on the Christmas card in Photoshop. Looking almost finished, Phil thought it was good. “Yes, but why did I start? All that cutting out!” During a crap night, I had to get up several times before sleeping at all, used the meditation soundtrack, dropped in and out of slumber and woke the next day feeling very ropey indeed.

His approval rating now down to -21%, The Bumbler admitted the Paterson affair could have been handled better. Rees-Moggy was found to have borrowed £2.94 m from Saliston Ltd (his own lettings and real estate company). 67% immunised in Austria, the lowest in Europe, the unvaccinated were subject to curfew, leading to protests. Highest case numbers since the start of the pandemic in Holland led to a partial lockdown and demos in Den Hague. Germany watched closely. Tougher EU sanctions on Belarus entailed travel bans and asset freezes for airlines flying migrants to the Polish border. A Syrian man was found dead in woodland near the village of Wolka Terechowska. Trussed-Up Liz urged Putin to intervene and sent British troops to bolster ‘unprecedented military build-up on the border’. While severe pollution in New Delhi forced schools and government buildings to shut, COP26 concluded 24 hours late. Greta tweeted: ‘here’s a brief summary: blah, blah, blah.’

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 86 – Blah, Blah, Blah

“This devastating milestone reminds us that we are failing much of the world” (Antonio Guterres)

Talking Shop

I slept fitfully through a pouring night until the alarm forced me up on Monday. Guessing a missed call concerned the appointment, the landline rang later. As anticipated by the dream, the slot in Tod wasn’t available due to staff sickness and they directed me to immediately go to Halifax. I negotiated for 3.00 p.m. then stuck an anorak over my head, took garbage out, and found a whole melon in the food bin. Nowt wrong with it apart from being rock hard, I brought it in and washed it thrice to be safe. Were people made of money? Making lunch, the kettle did that weird thing of mentally spewing froth – probably because of the copious rain. I panicked as Phil ineffectually wiped round. It took three boils to expunge the foam. The rain had eased off as we went to the bus stop round the corner. We sat on the top deck to enjoy scenic views of canal reflections and pavements carpeted with leaves. The bus station shut for refurb, we hurried round the corner and just caught the connection. Slightly early, we lingered in the grounds examining chewed conkers and a peculiar mushroom on a mushroom among undergrowth. Again, Phil patiently waited for me while I underwent a slightly less ghastly procedure than the previous week. We went straight home but too late for a siesta, I recovered slightly from the ordeal with coffee and snacks. Phil had to take over chopping veg for dinner when I sliced my thumb. Knackered by bedtime, it took ages to sleep.

Covid deaths reached 5 million world-wide, half in the UK, EU, USA and Brazil even though they represented only 1/8 of the world population. Antonio Guterres called it ‘a global shame’. Walk-in boosters were announced with everyone within 10 miles of a centre. That’s a long walk! Contradicting Boris, Mini Macron said the ball was in the UK’s court and threatened to implement fishing restrictions from Tuesday. Trussed-Up Liz retorted they wouldn’t ‘roll over’ and cave in to French demands. Jersey licensing ‘entirely in accordance with Brexit agreements’ she may trigger dispute resolution measures. Lord Frosty Gammon accused the EU of ‘overly strict enforcement of the Northern Ireland protocol, without regard to the huge political, economic and identity sensitivities’. Loyalists hijacked and torched a bus. 52 private jets flew in celebs to COP26, including Gates and Bezos. The latter lauded his Earth Fund and upped his donation to £1.4 billion. It then emerged CO2 emitted during a single space flight by the greenwashing hypocrite equated to the amount produced by one of the world’s poorest in a lifetime! Greta Thunberg was mobbed outside Glasgow rail station and spoke at a rally opposite SSE where 25,000 delegates went ‘blah, blah, blah’. Activists from the most affected countries sailed into port on Greenpeace’s Rainbow Warrior. Justin Welby said leaders would be cursed if this didn’t prove to be the moment they saved the planet. “That’s some powerful juju!” laughed Phil. On Newsnight, a drug-addled Allegra Stratton, now apparently PM spokesperson on COP26, insisted Nodi’s promise to reduce emissions by 2070 was great, even though it was 20 years too late, and domestic flights were a ‘personal choice’.

COOP Shop

Waking in a cold, bright dawn Tuesday, I felt discombobulated, fatigued and nauseous and griped about my travails. About to clean the kitchen, Phil had made a start and I decided to leave the rest ‘til later. Actually, I didn’t feel up to it. I made an effort to work on the journal and went to the co-op for lunch supplies. They’d got with the zeitgeist displaying ‘COOP 26’ posters. Gaps on shelves meant hardly any British cheese, but bizarrely loads of continental stuff. I paid my mate at the kiosk, hefted bags home and struggled to the kitchen, swallowing annoyance at a lack of help. After lunch, I was falling asleep and struggling to see in bright sunlight, whinged and sympathised with Phil who had migraine. I got a WhatsApp alert, read ‘family group’ in a message, then the app bombed. I rang my brother who provided an update on mum’s headstone and complained everything was still slow and shit. Sharing health notes, he said he’d had covid recently even with 2 jabs, and we had a laugh at the expense of anti-vaxxers. Phil tutted impatiently so I went upstairs to continue the chat. My nephew now at Leeds University, I said he’d have to come and see us. “Does he?” “Well, he doesn’t HAVE to!” My brother chortled at that. I lay down to rest to be disturbed by nasty chainsaws – they loved massacring those trees!

Meanwhile, at COP26, Biden said Chinese and Russian leaders made a ‘big mistake’ not coming. 110 countries covering 85% of earth’s forests, pledged to reverse deforestation which Boris called ‘the great chainsaw massacre’. No way did he come up with that himself. FOE said proof would be in action not words and de-funding by big finance. Half the world’s top methane producers pledged to cut emissions by 30%, seen as a significant short-term contribution. XR went to JP Morgan and Scottish Power offices in Glasgow. Four more energy companies tanked. Goblin Saj said he was ‘leaning towards’ mandatory vaccines for the NHS. Chris Hopkins advised he wait until April or they’d lose staff over a ‘very difficult winter’. France suspended punitive action on fishing boats while negotiations continued. Frosty Gammon later met Clemet Bone-Head. No breakthrough, he’d meet Maros Sefcovic. “He’ll probably say ‘go away and stop being silly It’s only fish!’” predicted Phil. North Yorkshire cops began a campaign against bad driving which had worsened since the pandemic. Bereaved families protested smart motorways, the transport select committee counselled a halt to the rollout but Sh**ts said bringing hard shoulders back was less safe – WTF!

Money Talks

A difficult start to Wednesday, I persevered and sent my submission to Valley Life magazine for the next issue before preparing for a walk. Hitherto sunny, the skies went dark indicating rain. Phil declared he was making lunch instead. Only going out of the house for shops and appointments for 1½ weeks, I’d looked forward to a leisure outing and got depressed. I kept busy changing profile pics and passwords. A message in the junk folder implied an unexpected Facebook log-in. I doubted its authenticity but thought it wise to alter details anyway. At dinnertime, I ripped the skin off the sore thumb rinsing a margarine tub. “Should I sue?“ “Yes!” said Phil. “If it was you, you’d use superglue!” “Yes!” I applied a plaster instead.

As a sage bod resigned, Prof Van Dam came on the BBC to evade questions on government not ‘following the science’ and repeat the party lines of caution and getting jabs (1.6 million had boosters in the past week). He said we were ‘running hot’ with high case numbers and the pandemic wasn’t over but prevaricated on face-coverings, refusing to say Rees-Moggy was wrong that MPs didn’t need them in the commons as they all knew each other. Lindsay Hoyle directed them to be worn in both chambers but was largely ignored by tories. MPs narrowly voted for an amendment so Owen Paterson’ suspension for lobbying was put on hold until the rules were reviewed to include a right of appeal. Calling it an ‘absolute disgrace’, Labour, along with the Lib Dems and SNP, spurned the new committee thus it would consist of tory members only. Keir still off with covid, Rayner stood in at PMQs to say: “this is about playing by the rules…when they break the rules Mr Speaker, they just re-make the rules.” Even if you accepted the accused should have a right of appeal, how on earth could you apply that retrospectively, I wondered. Phil remarked Patterson didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong; getting bungs was an everyday part of life as a tory.

The day at COP26 was all about the money. Rishi Rich said developed nations would send the promised £73bn to developing countries in 2023, 3 years behind target, but they also needed private sector dosh. 450 financial institutions signed up to the Glasgow Financial Alliance for Net Zero (Gfanz). Led by Mark Carney, money had to be matched with net zero projects. The Loch Ness debt monster was blocked from being set afloat as it breached ‘maritime restrictions’. XR protested greenwashing. Hundreds marched, chanted and banged drums, some sat down outside SSE, cops were sprayed with paint and 2 activists were arrested. Bony Prince Charlie and Leo Crapio met Stella McCartney showing off her sustainable fashion including mushroom-grown leather bags and vegan football boots. I bet they were cheap, not! ‘Calling out’ the fashion industry, she said: “We’re one of the most harmful industries in the world to the environment” and “I’m trying to provide sustainable solutions and technologies and a better way of doing things.” After chanting ‘stick it up your arse’, Greta declared net zero on swearing – each time she used a bad word, she’d compensate by saying something nice.

Thursday, we spent the morning cleaning and working on laptops. I approved the proof from Valley Life before setting off in early afternoon sun on the walk we’d planned the previous day, calling in at the co-op for pastries. Heading up to a favoured copper beech woodland, the trees weren’t as red as usual but leaves already fell. “That’s that then!” laughed Phil. We squatted near an old gatepost to eat pastries then continued up a horrid stony path. Turning right, we proceeded on tarmac almost missing an overgrown stile across fields. Put off by huge sheep, Phil started up a ‘desire path’. I followed to struggle inelegantly over a metal gate. In the village, we looked at a new ‘beer shop’ – actually a TV filming location complete with distressed props. Returning via a different section of the wood, strong sun highlighted autumn golds. “That’s better!” Phil declared. “What are you on about? It’s all been lovely. It’s more yellow and orange this year but you already knew that.” Very warm atop the ridge, by the time we got home, I had backache, fatigue and felt overheated. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱ)

MHRA approved Molnupiravir to treat covid in patients with at least 1 risk factor. It prevented the virus multiplying so halved the risk of serious illness or death if taken within 5 days of a positive test. Trials of Pfizer’s Paxlovid found similar results (89% effective at reducing serious infection if taken as soon as symptoms appeared by those at high risk). Dr. Kluge of Who said 1.8 million cases across Europe last week due to relaxed measures and low vaccine take-up were of ‘grave concern’. Indians celebrated Diwali as reported cases were a mere 12,000 a day. Surely that was due to low testing rates? Inflation forecast to reach 5% by spring, BOE left interest rates low but said a hike to around 1% would come within months. John Lewis and M&S launched Christmas ads to get us spending. An ethics adviser told Boris yesterday’s vote was a ‘very serious and damaging moment for parliament’. Forced into a U-turn by the opposition’s refusal to join the new committee, Rees-Moggy said he’d now seek cross-party changes to the rules which wouldn’t be applied retrospectively. Saying ‘corrupt’ was the only word for it, Keir still refused to take part. Owen Paterson found out about the latest shenanigans while shopping in Waitrose and resigned meaning a by-election. Would the good folk of North Shropshire vote out sleaze?

At COP26, 23 countries committed to phase out coal power and 46 signed up to transition to clean energy. Jennifer Morgan of Greenpeace International said it was only one nail in the coffin for coal: “without the USA, Australia, China and India, there’s still a very real danger that the end won’t come soon enough.”

War of Words

No sun to temper the chill Friday, the ground looked wet. As it became misty, Phil thought it was thawing frost. The thermometer dropping, we shivered even with extra layers and had to put the heating on advance for the first time of the season. Putting washing in the machine, the detergent compartment was blocked and I called Phil to assist. Irked at the forced work break, I assured him I wouldn’t ask if I could manage unaided. Anyway, he needed a comfort break. In the co-op, I piled the trolley with bargains including a fab freezer deal. I queued at the only open till but when Phil arrived, another one opened. The young cashier extremely efficient, Phil observed: “She’s a bit keen. I bet she worked at Lidl” We celebrated bonfire night with copious helpings of parkin, cinder toffee and wine.

Weekly ONS stats showed stable covid rates except in Northern Ireland where they were up slightly. Greta told young activists in Glasgow COP26 was “a global north greenwash festival, a 2-week-long celebration of business as usual.” The ‘blah, blah, blah’ wasn’t what we needed after 25 years of ‘blah, blah, blah.’ Climate protests in 200 cities across the globe the next day, 50,000 marched in Glasgow.

Breakfast easier on Sunday, I’d done by the time Phil came down. I left him to clear up, worked on the journal and went to town, dodging tourists taking selfies on the old bridge. Busy with coffee-cuppers, I waited ages behind a posh couple on the market for knobbly veg. The stall-holders looked bemused when asked which squash was best for cake. I suggested orange. Cold and grey until then, the sun appeared, so I visited the park. Admiring autumn growth, I suddenly realised my purse was missing, feared I’d been pick-pocketed then spotted it in a flowerbed. Phew! I walked along the towpath in waning sun, washed the filthy veg including a rainbow of heritage carrots and collapsed on the sofa with backache and fatigue. Editing photos, I used one from Thursday for a haigaⁱⁱ and one of late-flowering park peonies to wish my niece a happy birthday.

Saying parliament wasn’t the government’s plaything, John Major labelled the attempt to save Owen Paterson shameful and wrong, said it damaged parliament’s image and the pattern of behaviour was unconservative and odious: they had broken the law, broken treaties, and broken their word on numerous occasions. On the Marr, Keir repeated the tories actions were “corrupt, contemptible and not a one-off” and trashed “the reputation of our democracy and our country.” George Useless said the mistake had been ‘put to bed’ whatever that meant. Marr suggested Rayner could be sued for slander. What was he on about? Boris would lose! As The Sunday Times revealed 15 of 16 top tory donors were in the House of Lords, Keir insisted it was time for reform. Susan Hopkins told us the jabbed elderly were now dying of covid and needed boosters. £248 m would be used to reform NHS diagnostic services. A good idea, I thought…

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 81 – Hell on Earth

“This is the playbook we see from them every crisis. Deny there’s a problem, fail to plan, blame the public, blame someone else, then call in the army. It’s utter incompetence” (Luke Pollard)

Fractures

Both fatigued Monday I struggled with the mundane chores. Putting recycling out, I was stressed out at almost being trapped against the wall by an inconsiderate UPS deliverer. Posting the journal took hours and gave me a headache, compounded by sudden blinding sunlight streaming through the windows on a blustery day. I came up with a new technique to make editing subsequent chapters quicker. Still sunny early evening, I considered going out to the garden but depressed at no sun on that side, I gave up the idea: a shame since the rest of the week was wet and grey.

66% of adults now double-jabbed, the UK was catching up with Canada, Chile, Singapore, Italy, Belgium, Ireland, Spain and Portugal (at 84%). In a hellish conference week for Keir, Andy McDonald resigned very publicly from the shadow cabinet. Fuelled by the petrol crisis, tube travel increased 7%, bus 2%, and rail 6%, where flexi-tickets further incentivised passengers. Amidst a plethora of idiotic acts, motorists stockpiled petrol, filled plastic bottles and bags to sell on Facebook, vandalised cars to syphon tanks and fought on forecourts. A cyclist taunted queueing drivers and a cavalcade at a shut garage in Wimbledon created gridlock. Care workers called for priority access to available stocks. A mini tornado ripped through Thorngumbald and Humberston in East Yorkshire while an earthquake near Heraklion killed 1 and injured 20 in Crete.

Discussing fuel issues on Newsnight, Richard Walker said the temp visas effective from mid-October would make little difference. As he mentioned voting for Brexit, I went off him. Phil said “some nice people voted leave.” “Hmm!” Michel Barnier promoted his long-awaited Secret Brexit Diaries in an interview. Repeatedly wishing the UK well, he said we must face the consequences of leaving but the EU were ready to find solutions within the NI protocol framework (not outside of it); the conditions of which should be ‘no surprise’ as “Boris knew what he signed.” He obviously didn’t! Ahead of running for President, he called for a French referendum on immigration to ‘regain legal sovereignty’ on key issues, but maintained free movement within the EU wasn’t at stake.

The headache returned Tuesday morning. I must have looked pained as Phil asked what was up. “It’s hard today” “I’ll have to shoot you.” “That’s helpful!” “What can I do?” “Be nice for a start!” Rain arrived just in time for a trip to the co-op with the usual gaps on shelves and nothing in the reduced section.

Boris met Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice, promising they’d have a role in the public inquiry and to appoint a chair by Christmas. He also endorsed the memorial wall opposite parliament as a permanent national emblem. The petrol situation improved slightly but pumps still under 50% full, the MOD approved ‘Operation Escalin’, putting the army on standby to step in for HGV drivers. Phil pointed out they were all TAs so probably worked as drivers anyway. BOE boss Andy Bailey derided comments about a lack of wind affecting the supply chain: “when is the plague of locusts due?” Luke Pollard said it illustrated the incompetence of the government. South Eastern was stripped of its franchise and effectively nationalised, even though it paid back £25m of undeclared taxpayers money. Aldi announced 100 new stores creating 2,000 jobs. 53 Insulate Britain protesters were released from custody despite the injunction.

Late telly-watching led to a bad night. Unable to sleep, I looked out the window to see blazing lights. Sifting through a jumble of stuff whizzing round my mind, concluded I was fed up with the mundanity of life but was devoid of ideas on how to change it. I eventually dropped off to the meditation soundtrack.

Fire And Brimstone

Feeling unrested Wednesday, I hoped Phil’s weekend hoovering would make cleaning the living room quick. Sadly not. On a showery afternoon, I went to town via the street below to avoid a crane at the mill development straddling our street. German Friend stood on her doorstep and told me she’d taken tests to ensure her cold symptoms weren’t covid. Prevaricating about going to work, I advised she look after herself. After errands, I loitered at the wavy steps to be chased by ducks, mistaking the rustle of plastic bags for bread. I escaped through the carpark and along to the new bridge. New Gran sheltered under an awning of the corner pub, with her daughter and grandson. The only drinkers outside, I called: “hello diehards!” We chatted over the wall about the baby’s fulsome barnet, him being taken to gigs and mum’s graduation in Liverpool. I’d arranged to meet Phil at the café and noticed he’d appeared on the other side of the busy main road, tricky to navigate. Going in the café, I wore a mask; nobody else did. Surprisingly busy, I wondered why they’d asked him to go at that time to take some prints away. We retreated to the back until the owner returned from an errand. He paid Phil for 2 sold pictures (at least 1 was Leeds-themed, belying the critics), dithered over which ones he wanted removed then decided they could all stay until the end of October. “That was an easy work!” Phil giggled. “Yes. I expected to be there at least long enough to take my anorak off. I even put a clean top on!” “Me too!”

Institute for Public Policy North found 3 times more deaths in the North East compared to the least-affected South East, since lockdown ended 19^th July. Blaming poor working and living conditions, the rift between north and south was stark. Fended off hecklers by saying he usually got heckled by tories at PMQs on a Wednesday, Keir gave his first live keynote speech since becoming leader to mock The Bumbler: “we have a fuel crisis, a pay crisis, a goods crisis and a cost of living crisis all at the same time. Level up? You cannot even fuel up.” He thought Boris wasn’t a bad man but a trivial showman, “a trickster who has performed his one trick.” i.e., Brexit. He could have added Boris wanted to be PM for the sake of it: once he got the job, he had no idea it would involve actual work. Not staying to sing the traditional Red Flag at the end of conference, we recalled it was banned under Blair. Would the two side of the party ever be reconciled? Might the die-hard lefties split and effectively leave a social democratic party of Nouveau Guardianistas? Did someone say Gang of Four?

After bathing Thursday, I tried to remove a nail shard from my big toe, in the exact spot where a chiropodist had cut it too short 3 years ago, I never returned after that. I worked on the journal and went to the market in the cold rain. Jolly veg man had price labels up, so over-charging was less likely. In the afternoon, I started editing holiday notes for Cool Places 2, became knackered and lay down. Characteristically unable to relax, at least I got warm in bed. Phil re-surfaced sooner than normal, not snoozing for once. “You’re lucky you can sleep in the afternoon.” “Not when I’m collapsing with fatigue.” “Makes no difference to me!”

On the last day of the furlough scheme, almost 1 million workers were still on it. Heartless tory git Simon Clarke said job losses were ‘a part of the process’ of support ending. Amidst mounting criticism of the Universal Credit cut, government announced a £500 million Household Support Fund, enabling councils to give grants to needy families. Therese Coffee-cup said it would help meet “essential costs as we push through the last stages of our recovery from the pandemic.” Rishi Rich surfaced in Selby to say it’d ‘make a real difference’. But Helen Barnard of the Joseph Rowntree Foundation countered it didn’t come close “to meeting the scale of the challenge facing millions of families on low incomes as a cost of living crisis looms and our social security system is cut down to inadequate levels…(admitting) families will need to apply for emergency grants to meet the cost of basics like food and heating through winter, it’s clear the chancellor knows the damage (it) will cause.” At Wayne Couzen’s 2-day sentencing hearing, gory details of Sarah Everard’s murder were summarised in court as: ‘deception, kidnap, rape, strangulation and fire’. He was given a whole life sentence and would die in jail (and hopefully burn in hell if there was one). Kate Wilson won her human rights case against the Met for being duped into a relationship with undercover cop Mark Kennedy aka Stone.

After 3 more unheard-of energy companies went bust, a reserve fleet of tankers headed to Yorkshire where petrol shortages were worst. No surprise as 10% of the UK’s pollutants emanated from the county. Rabid Raab suggested using ex-cons. Now, what could go wrong there? On Question Time, Useless George denied ‘turbulence in the supply chain’ was anything to do with Brexit, saying fuel demand up 50% last weekend, was now improving. Karan Bilimaria of Cobra beer ‘felt sick’ by the shortages and said the government wouldn’t listen to the immigration advisory board or CBI months ago. Ella Whelan, Spiked magazine, said there were long-standing problems of HGV drivers sleeping in cabs and peeing on the roadside. Flight attendant-turned-reality star Amy Hart referred to short-term visas as unfair: “You can’t treat people that way.” Useless said it would ensure driver capacity for the busy Christmas period, as too would 5,500 poultry workers. Referring to the Couzens trial, Wes Streeting said changing the police culture of ‘letting things go’ needed action not words. Amid renewed calls for Caressa Dick to resign, ex inspector Zoe Billingham was asked on BBC Breakfast next day why misogynists were allowed in the force to form WhatsApp groups and jokingly call colleagues ‘rapists’? She maintained it was a small minority and she’d been working on it for 9 years. It shouldn’t happen at all, you useless Coffee-cupper! Met advice to women approached by lone officers such as flagging down a bus, running to a house or dialling 999 were lambasted as ‘derisory’. North Yorks PCC Philip Allot advised women to be more streetwise about powers of arrest. Flabbergasted by the insulting comments, we wondered how anybody was meant to know what the Coronavirus Laws were when Sarah Everard was kidnapped during the first lockdown. Not even the police did, and arguably still didn’t! Subsequent retraction of the comments didn’t stop Keir wanting Allot to resign or York MP Rachel Maskell calling his position ‘untenable’.

Tierra Del Fuego

Friday still showery, at least we didn’t get a deluge like in other places. Heavy rain caused flooding in Greater Manchester, commuter issues in London and delayed installation of a temporary TV mast in North Yorkshire. More gales over the weekend prompted yellow warnings. I did some writing and went to the co-op. Phil caught me up in the last aisle to guffaw at ‘dots’ aka micro-doughnuts and empty freezer shelves.

We investigated recent dinosaur discoveries. A week after a 165 million year old new Ankylosaur was found in Morocco, evidence of two more dinosaurs emerged on the Isle of Wight. The 125 million year old carnivorous Riparovenator minerae and Ceratosuchops inferodios aka ‘Hell Heron’ attacked visitors, according to The Sun. We wondered why on earth anyone would go there back then as an artist’s impression depicted the holiday hotspot as hell on earth.

New covid cases up 18% week on week, the sharpest rise in 11-15 year olds returning to school, rates were still lower than the second wave in January. 12 hours before the Scottish Covid Pass went live, the app was launched. People complained of system errors but Sturgeon stuck to her guns and cited the 2-week grace period during which there’d be no prosecutions. ONS figures showed economic growth 5.5% April to June, but only 0.1% in July. Expectations for August were revised down to 2.1% because of supply chain problems. H&M profits tripled, Boohoo sales increased 20%, the energy price cap went up and Virgin Money shut 31 branches as more people banked online during the pandemic. Australia would lift the 18-month travel ban sometime in November when 80% of Aussies over 16 were fully vaccinated. Qantas to start flights from Sydney to London and Los Angeles 14^th November, no date was given for when we’d be welcome.

No improvement in the weekend weather, I stayed in Saturday and used a surplus of oats to make goodies. Taking miles longer to bake than the recipes indicated, the cookies had soggy bottoms and the flapjacks were too sticky to remove from the tin. “This is why I’m not a patisserie chef!“ Cold overnight, I slept badly and spent a fatigued Sunday draft-posting the journal, writing a haigaⁱ and posting ‘Views over Sands’ on Cool Places 2ⁱⁱ. Phil registered for more gig work on ‘click jobs’ which sounded hilariously like ‘clickbait’. Declaring it time, I fetched bedspreads out of storage for a toastier sleep.

In the South East, another injunction was granted to stop Insulate Britain protestors blocking major roads. Petrol shortages now worse than Yorkshire, the army started deliveries from Hemel Hempstead while Watford Town went north to be beaten by Leeds United 1-0 (their first win of the season). At the start of the tory party conference, Boris went to a Manchester gym sporting ridiculous boxing gloves emblazoned with ‘build back better’. They’d had almost a decade to do that! Setting the bar high (not), he told Andrew Marr Christmas would be better than last year. The Bunman said The Glove-puppet was good for ‘levelling up’ as he got things done like with education. Eh? He made a right mess of that! IDS wanted the cut to Universal Credit delayed but Gordy Brown wanted it scrapped, citing a report by York university on how it affected families. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation found Bradford West hardest hit with 81% on the benefit. Encouraged by the conviction of Wayne Couzens, a woman came forward to accuse a fellow Met officer of rape. David Carrick strenuously denied all charges. New fissures in the Cumbre Vieja volcano sent fresh rivers of fire across La Palma. Maybe they should rename it Tierra Del Fuego.

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Place 2 blog: https://wordpress.com/posts/hepdenerose2.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

Leeds