Part 64 – Liars and Fantasists

“The prime minister brought a fantasist and a liar into the heart of Downing Street” (Jonathan Ashworth)

Under Duress

In the midst of Monday chores, a small glass bottle stopper went up the hoover. I emptied the thing and scoured through dust to retrieve it. Worn out, I lay on the bed to enjoy a good half hour feeling warm and drowsy. The moon almost full, we watched it cross the darkening sky but by the time Phil went out to take photos at 11 o’clock, it was raining.

Medical Detection Dogs spotted coronavirus with 94.3% accuracy. Reading about them a year ago, I wondered what took so long? Mini Macron and The Merkel pledged the WHO more support to enable better pandemic future planning and suggested a global health threat council. An extra 10,000 in the past month, Indian deaths hit 300,000. Japan launched 2 centres as part of a mass vaccination drive before the Olympics. Unenthusiastic citizens called it too little too late. Nasty Patel launched the Electronic Travel Authorisation (ETA) for UK visitors who didn’t hold a visa or immigration status, and promised a ‘fully digital border’ within 5 years. Roman Protasevich appeared on video to lie, under duress, about being well-treated. Rabid Raab instructed airlines not to fly over Belarus and suspended Belavia’s operating permit. The EU followed suit. TUI cancelled holidays to amber countries. After the collapse of Greensill Capital, Liberty Steel were closing 7 plants and jobseekers searched vacancies in social care as existing staff resigned.

Waking in the early hours Tuesday, I recalled a solitary detail from many dreams. Was telling someone the journal was ‘really important’ hubris or a message from the gods? Mostly cold and grey, I spent all morning writing and invented a new sandwich for lunch. Pitta filled with spam, tomato, camembert and red onion, and sprinkled with pea-shoots, was rather good! The cacophonous flood alarm sirens were tested several times causing severe disturbance in the afternoon. I went to the co-op to find gaps on the shelves, busy aisles and a mate mulling over flatbread. During a brief chat, he told me he’d also had 2 jabs and didn’t fancy a third so wouldn’t be volunteering for the Covboost trial. Taking groceries to the kitchen, I discovered Phil had washed up but annoyingly left the bowl full of water and the draining board stacked. A second kitchen trauma ensued later when I opened the freezer to find a split bag of sweetcorn. In the process of rescuing what I could, I made a bigger rip so the pesky tiny veg went all over the place and I had to sweep it into the bin. Inordinately upset, I collapsed on the sofa. Hearing my screams from upstairs, Phil came to sympathise.

Will Shakespeare, the first man to get the Pfizer vaccine, died of an ‘unrelated illness’. One the of busiest days ever at Bolton ED saw 41 admissions and 8 in critical care. With only 15 positive cases out of 58,000 participants, Oliver Dowdy hailed the test event pilots a success.

ONS data showed trade between the UK and the EU fell 23% Jan-March. Mainly due to Brexit, the ongoing recession and pandemic also played a part. One year since the murder of George Floyd, his family went to the Whitehouse and Biden gave his daughter ice-cream.

The Cabinet Office were accused of ‘local lockdown by stealth’ as It emerged they extended measures on Friday night for Kirklees, Bedford, Burnley, Leicester, Hounslow, North Tyneside, Bolton and Blackburn . Not mentioned in any formal announcements or ministerial briefings, local authorities complained of no consultation and finding out by accident. Tracy Brabin came on BBC Breakfast to call it ‘a bit shabby’ and Yasmin Qureshi was ‘gobsmacked’. Residents of affected zones were advised not to meet inside, keep 2 metres apart and avoid non-essential travel out of area. In urgent questions, Jon Ashworth called on ministers to “withdraw the guidance now…(The Cock) doesn’t even have the courtesy to tell us.” Under duress, Nads Zahawi defended the government: “we want the country to move out of these restrictions together and we’re trusting people to be responsible and to act with caution and common sense.” They argued the recommendations were first issued 14^th May when Boris told us to be ‘extra cautious’ before formal web publishing a week later. The site stated the rules were ‘underpinned by law’ but The Cock said the guidance was ‘not statutory’. I tweeted to ask him to explain the contradiction but got no answer. The guidance was later changed to ‘advice’.

Phantasmagorical

Wednesday morning, I really struggled to come round. Getting up and bathed required a huge effort. A pile of mail prompted me into boring life admin while watching PMQs. After lunch, I worked on the journal then sorted winter coats. Planning to put them away, I discovered 2 needed a wash first and stuck them in the machine before steaming woollens. Seeming quick and easy at the time, the task rendered me breathless. The evening Ocado delivery was badly packed and I got cheated out of 2 bags – no joke now they cost 10p each. Panorama featured AI and informed us Alexa used to be a British robot called Evie – another example of Brits selling stuff to the Yanks for peanuts!

ONS data based on sample blood test results, suggested over 75% of adults had covid anti-bodies. The UK leaders’ covid summit was postponed as Sturgeon and Drakeford wanted more time to prepare so it would be ‘meaningful’ and dismissed a rough agenda from Number 10 before key topics were agreed. Exactly a year since his trip to Barnard Castle and ahead of appearing before 2 commons committees (Health & Social Care and Science & Technology), The Scumbag posted around 50 tweets, including barely legible scribbles on a whiteboard outlining ‘Plan B’, suggesting ditching ‘herd immunity’ was all down to him when general opinion last year was he pushed for it. He told MPs that The Bumbler dismissed the pandemic as a scare story, said it only killed 80-year-olds, and volunteered to be jabbed with covid on live TV by Chris Witless. One of the more bizarre claims was that cobra had been derailed 12^th March 2020 by trump asking them to bomb Iraq and Carrie Antionette having a fit over her dog, comparing the scene to the film Independence Day. Other statements echoed what we all knew; that failures cost thousands of lives and ministers ignored scientific advice in September due to economic concerns. In scathing attacks, he criticised The Cock’s policies on care homes, PPE, and testing targets leading to disruption in Whitehall, and said he should have been sacked 15-20 times for persistent lying.

On PMQs, Keir used all 3 questions on the row between Boris and his former aide and concluded that if The Scumbag was fibbing, it showed poor judgement by the PM. Meanwhile, York MP Rachael Maskell asked about reneging on help for charities. The government decision not to match public donations also featured on Newsnight where on behalf of War Child, actress Carey Mulligan said it meant 3,000 Afghani children were at risk of being trafficked.

The next day, The Cock went to the commons to answer urgent questions and deny Scumbag’s claims. Quizzed on care homes, he admitted testing capacity wasn’t in place when he promised a ‘protective ring’, but insisted he’d gone away to work on it. Jon Ashworth said if the allegations of lying were true, they broke the ministerial code, and if false, Boris brought ‘a fantasist and a liar’ into Downing Street. Jeremy C**t pointed out the accusations were unproven and Boris maintained his actions hadn’t caused more deaths: “Some of the commentary…doesn’t bear any relation to reality…At every stage we have been governed by a determination to protect life, to save life, to ensure our NHS is not overwhelmed and followed the data and guidance we had.” But on radio 4, Prof. Ferguson said it was ‘unarguable’ that the delay in imposing the first lockdown caused 30,000 extra deaths: “The epidemic doubled every 3 or 4 days in weeks March 13 to 23. Had we moved the interventions back a week we would have saved many lives.” Prof. Susan Michie of sage said the change from the 2m to 1m plus rule was one of “several examples where scientific advice wasn’t followed.” She echoed Keir’s calls for the public inquiry to be brought forward.

Discussing the Scumbag’s revelations later, Phil thought he might have partially told the truth. “Yeah. The bits we already knew and he’s still a scumbag. They’re all as bad as each other. If people were more engaged in politics, they wouldn’t put up with useless leaders!”

Thursday morning, I drafted an article for the summer issue of Valley Life magazine before preparing to go out. Lunchtime by the time dithering was done, we hurried into town and dodged the market day throngs to get pies from the bakers. We crossed over to the park, also busy, where Phil found a free patch of grass while I bought pop from the café, baulking at the cost; they could at least provide tables for that price. More of a take-away with café prices! After eating our pastries, we walked east on the canal to see verges carpeted with daisies and hawthorn blooming at long last. Among gaggles of geese, sizeable goslings were already losing their fluff. Beyond the next village, attractive flood alleviation works were integrated with a new wetland nature reserve and the football pitch which always flooded, had been moved and protected by levees. We rested at a pretty lock and watched gammons on a barge navigate through. Phil overheard them complaining about unpainted houseboats. “Said them on their expensive rental cruiser. Snobs!” Rather tired, we decided to continue to the next town and catch a bus. The stifling journey back was prolonged by roadworks but at least the bus took us all the way home. While I didn’t find weariness unexpected, Phil complained of the vaccine making him post-virally weak. (For a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’ⁱ).

Daily Covid infections hit 3,180, the highest since 2^nd April but The Cock said inoculation severed the link to hospitalisation and death . As Indian variant cases rose to 5,000, Prof. Ferguson cited it as the dominant strain and hinted full re-opening on 21^st June hung in the balance. The Bumbler gainsaid: ”I don’t see anything currently in the data to suggest that we have to deviate from the roadmap.” After administering over 17,000 jabs in a week, there were signs the surge in Bolton was capping off. The Cock called it ‘phenomenal’. That didn’t stop Yasmin Qureshi calling for the government to be investigated for corporate manslaughter.

Thousands flocked to the Westminster vaccine bus in London’s Chinatown where no ID was required (how did they know who’d been done?) The Glove-Puppet told the commons public admin committee the covid pass might be delayed or not happen at all while France imposed a 7 day quarantine for arrivals, excepting hauliers. Grant Shats confirmed HS2 would go all the way to Leeds. Beloved children’s author Eric Carle died, aged 91.

In the evening, we watched a telly film and newsy stuff. Appearing on Newscast, Arlene Foster proved much jollier in real life. It prompted us to return to earlier discussions on politicisation and apathy. I thought putting up with useless leaders was particularly an issue in England. Citizens of NI and Scotland tended to be more engaged, probably for historical reasons. At bed-time, I was assailed by the noise of the droning generator and a shouting chav. Even with earplugs, it took ages to get any sleep.

Layers of Lies

The crap night led to a later start Friday. Taking the breakfast tray down, I balanced it a moment on the way to the kitchen, when the whole thing tipped up. The handle on Phil’s ‘winter wonderland’ mug broke in half and dregs spilt all over the throws. I chucked them in the wash and dug out old cups with pleasing olive designs, not sure why they were consigned to a cupboard. Appearing after the mess was cleared, Phil asked what the crash was. “Spot the difference.” “With my eye sight! You’ll have to tell me,” he chortled. Indicating the changed throw and olive mugs, I braced for a telling off but he continued laughing. “I never get annoyed.” “Liar!” “I hate breaking things but I don’t get annoyed.” “Breaking stuff is part of life and it’s been one of those weeks.” Still fatigued, he struggled to come round. I went to the co-op, not noticing the drizzle until I got out the door. Copious traffic suggested people taking advantage of the good weather forecast and upcoming spring bank holiday weekend. A less bustling supermarket confirmed the assumption. My mate let me pay for a trolley-load at the kiosk, which was nice. Phil asked why I hadn’t requested help with the shopping but agreed I’d have been stood waiting in the rain and I was quicker doing it myself. He then offered to carry bags to the kitchen but disappeared upstairs, not coming to my aid until groceries were all-but sorted. Slicing cabbage for slaw that evening, I managed to slice my thumb. I screamed in shock and pain and collapsed on a chair. As I ranted, Phil told me to calm down. “What part of being in shock don’t you get?” “Never had it.” “More lies!” I eventually settled down but dropped my fork during dinner making me fume again. It really had been a crap week!

The R rate up to 1-1.1, there were 10 deaths and 4,182 new infections – an increase of 25% in a week and the highest since 1^st April. Hospitalisations rising in some areas, PHE said only 3% of those infected by the Indian variant and 5 out of 201 who went to A&E, were inoculated. Kwasi Kwarteng saw no reason not to re-open on 21^st June, but warned data could change warranting ‘flexibility’. Kate Nicholls of UK Hospitality said it was ‘absolutely critical’ to stick to the date, yet Christina Pagel of indy sage wanted to wait: “If we can just delay international travel, delay stage 4 of the road map until…(more people are) vaccinated with 2 doses, we’re in a much, much better position. We’re only 2 months away from that, it’s not long to wait. What I don’t want is for us to have new restrictions.” A young woman died from a blood clot after one jab of AZ and the MHRA approved the one-shot Janssen. 20m doses on order and due to arrive by the end of 2021, JCVI would provide guidance on who should get it; likely proposing hard-to-reach groups. After months of delay, Lord Geidt released his first report on minister’s interests. He said Boris was ‘unaware’ that tory donor Lord Brownlow settled the bill for the flat refurb, and ‘unwisely’ let it go ahead without ‘more rigorous regard’ for how it would be funded. More care should have been taken over the financial arrangements and officials weren’t rigorous enough in examining the proposed Downing Street Trust’s ability to pay, but this was a ‘minor breach’ of the ministerial code. I remained puzzled that the trust was legal in the first place.

Fatigue caught up with me the next day. I spent a typical Saturday at home, draft-posted the journal, and got rid of loads of recycling and more of the creeping buttercup in the garden until the small stone path emerged from the undergrowth. I exchanged pleasantries with neighbours and re-directed a couple about to climb steps into private gardens. I had to stop my labours when the sun emerged from behind clouds, sweat dripping down my face in the rising heat. I gulped water and started to clean up the debris. Phil returned from the shop to report town predictably heaving. He squatted on the kerb to chat and I recalled an article in Metro about rich Californian cyber-geeks spending millions on implants thinking they’d live forever. For dinner he made kofta for the first time – another delicious meal invented. That night I dropped off, book in hand and bedside lamp still on, to wake a few minutes later and sleep fractiously thereafter.

The Bumbler married Carrie Antionette in Westminster Cathedral. Twice divorced, permission was granted because his previous marriages weren’t catholic ceremonies so didn’t count. Technically, that made his elder kids bastards. The obvious distraction ploy by the duplicitous Papist git outraged Catholics and those who’d had to put their weddings on hold during the pandemic in equal measure.

Early mist soon burned off Sunday to be replaced by warm sunshine. Layers of tory lies persisted as Nads Zahawi told Marr a pile of untruths trying to defend The Cock’s claims of ‘putting a ring around care homes’.

Setting off for a walk, I popped in the co-op for packed lunches. The scrum in front of the meal deal shelf suggested it wasn’t an original idea. From the opposite bank, the riverside steps were as crowded as the beach! We continued upstream, assailed by scents of baking loam and wild flowers. Creeping buttercup looked much better in verges than in the garden. Dappled light made arty shadows on the weir. Yet more families pretended it was the seaside. We climbed onto tarmac then into a lush clough. As we descended to a brook, felled trees cluttered a shingled shore we’d hoped to rest on. We squatted on a low bridge to eat and check the map for a route up to a monument. Unable to see a path, we proceeded upwards and glanced back to see the structure emerge below. Disinclined to back-track, we continued up the road to a hamlet and found a free bench outside the local pub. As we supped pints, traffic continually streamed in both directions. The cycling couple on the adjacent table made a move and we wondered how their small dog rode a bike. They then put the pooch in a bag. ‘Doggy bag!’ We struck up a conversation encompassing the joys of pet ownership, the state of the world and limited travel options, concluding there were worse places to be stuck. Taking roadway down was tricky with speeding vehicles and no pavement but shaded by extensive woodland. At the edge of town, a long flight of steps provided a short-cut. I’d always assumed unusual roofs on terraces were dormers added later but Phil informed me they were Dutch houses. The longer day out in extended sunshine had been very enjoyable while stops for sustenance ensured against severe fatigue – or so it seemed at the time. (For a fuller description of the walk, see ‘Cool Places’ⁱ).

I even managed to edit photos and write a haiku after dinnerⁱⁱ. Mind you, I had a crap night. Unable to sleep, I looked out to see hundreds of stars including rarely spotted feinter ones. I eventually dropped off with the help of the meditation tape.

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 62 – It’s Grim Up North

“If it’s good enough for London, it’s good enough for us” (Tracy Brabin)

Rude Blokes

After the rude awakening in the early hours, I dropped back into deep sleep when Phil woke me Monday morning saying it was late. Exhausted after a crap night, I considered a curt retort but thought better of it. Barely able to move my neck, a few painful exercises eased it slightly. I’d only just finished my cuppa when Phil announced he was taking the tray away. “Don’t rush me!” “Sorry, I’m trying to be helpful.” “I know, but I feel harassed.” The usual round of Monday chores and blog posting ensued. Unable to add photos to the journal, turning the laptop off and on again fixed the issue but the process remained slow. The co-op quiet that afternoon, an ignoramus threw his shopping on the conveyer before I’d moved forward at the checkout. “Do you mind?” I asked pointedly, to which I got a blank look in response. How rude! Changeable all day with some thunder, for once I’d managed to run the errand in a sunny spell. I lingered at the doorstep to chat to the rarely seen next-door neighbour. She’d recently married and invited us to a post-covid party in July. I got rid of a pile of recycling before the heavens opened again. In the evening I set about repairing a new rip in my favourite jeans but the patch of old denim I found was too light. My neck still painful and stiff, some yoga stretches and a massage at bedtime aided sleep.

Consistent falls in cases, hospitalisations and deaths saw the Covid-19 alert level downgraded to 3 for the first time since mid-September. The Bumbler announced the next stage of the roadmap would go ahead as expected on 17^th May, allowing indoor hospitality, entertainment and activities, including soft play centres and hotels. Students would return to uni and secondary pupils didn’t have to wear masks. Calls to use ‘common sense’ and ‘caution’ were back, as was the rule of 6 for private houses and overnight stays (or 2 households). Officially allowed to hug, there was no mention of face-licking.

Keir told the first meeting of the re-shuffled cabinet he wasn’t shifting blame. The parliamentary commissioner for standards set to investigate Boris’ trip to Mustique 16 months ago, ‘facilitated’ by Carphone Warehouse tycoon David Ross, newly-promoted Angela Rayner said: “The public have a right to know who paid for (his) luxury Caribbean holiday and the renovation of his flat. Most importantly, we need to know what these donors were promised or expected in return for their generosity…(he) needs to stop using the office of PM as an opportunity to fund his lavish lifestyle and enrich his mates.” New mayor Tracy Brabin spoke on Look North of not taking anything for granted and working hard for ‘the people I grew up with’. On a ‘tap in, tap out’ system for public transport, she stated: “If it’s good enough for London, it’s good enough for us.” Quite!

Northern Soaks

Tuesday morning, I woke at 8 and got revenge on Phil by rousing him from sleep. Neck improved, my right shoulder had gone stiff. Exercise and bathing helped somewhat. Following a spot of cleaning and writing, I set off for the main square to meet The Researcher. As she approached, I recognised her immediately from her profile photo. It was so lovely to meet in person after a year of on-line correspondence! Commenting on the busyness of the place in spite of the grey midweek conditions, we shared anecdotes on the trials of shopping, washing money and quarantining purses. “I still do that,” I confessed, “no-one has yet told me it doesn’t make any difference.” “Shall we get out of here?”

Talking and walking to the nearby clough, we discussed love of place, our backgrounds and assorted issues. Wanting to give her a flavour of my frequent visits, we climbed over the small wall to look at ‘the swamp’, flooded after copious rainfall. Heading for the ‘islands’, a tribe of kids clutching fishing nets and accompanied by a few adults, descended to infest them. Rather ragamuffin to be on a school outing, and the grown-ups rather ‘yummy mummy’ I deduced they were from the nearby free school. Giving them a wide berth, we continued up the top path and turned left onto cobbles. It started raining and a matter of minutes before heavy showers caught us so we agreed to return to the shelter of trees. Loud thunder cracks tore through the clouds as sizeable hailstones assailed us. Hastily making our way back down the clough, we noted the ragamuffins had scarpered. Back in town, we bade farewell and pledged to meet again. I hurried home to get warm with a change of clothes and a cuppa. Editing photos, the laptop played up again so I turned it off and went for a lie down. Phil had gone to Leeds for the first time this year. Just as I was about to make dinner, another downpour descended and he returned predictably tired and soaking wet. Letting him recover, I didn’t begrudge the lack of help cooking or clearing a sinkful of dishes, but became slightly irked when he came down to stand around in the middle of the kitchen. That night, I lay listening to yet more thunderstorms until eventually falling asleep.

Pomp scaled back, the Queen’s speech boasted of plans for ‘unleashing our nation’s full potential’. Promised legislation included a pile of stuff nobody cared about like voter ID, or wanted, such as scrapping the fixed-term parliament, the police bill and the HS2 line from Crewe to Manchester, while the Health and Social Care Bill to integrate NHS and social care, was delayed again, even though Boris said he had a plan ready on the day he became PM 2 years ago. Martin Green of Care England asked: ‘How long can the care system limp on like this?’ The CBI lauded the speech as good for jobs and connectivity but Keir said it was full of ‘short-term gimmicks’, ‘distant promises’ and papered ‘over the cracks’.

The commons treasury committee released details of 45 messages from Camoron to ministers and officials concerning Greensill. As allegations relating to its collapse were ‘potentially criminal in nature’, the FCA were also investigating the company. Media descended on Batley to discuss ‘levelling up’. Focussing on the upcoming by-election, they failed to mention the vacancy was due to the current Labour MP becoming mayor. Golden-haired boy Jordan Banks was struck by lightning playing football in Blackpool. His organs were donated to 3 other children after his death.

Attempting to post for my nieces’ birthday Wednesday morning, she’d disappeared from social media. I messaged Elder Sis to send on best wishes. She reported back that the family were fine and my nephew was back in Wuhan, having a more ‘normal life’ than they were in London! Walking Friend called round as arranged. She commented on the plethora of bluebells in the gardens (of blue and white), which made me appreciate them anew.

We gravitated into the square. “What are we doing?” “Looking for somewhere to eat.” “Not here.” We settled on the Turkish café. Starting fine but rain likely, we sat under an awning for different versions of breakfast and a catch-up. She said there’d been no hail on the moors yesterday, unlike the valley. When the showers came they thankfully weren’t as heavy as Tuesday. Browsing the charity shops, I found nothing I wanted but curated films for her to play on her new DVD player and showed her how to check the condition. “Like records” “Yes. You can wash them like vinyl too. But don’t dunk them in the sink!” We sheltered in a doorway for a smoke, said cheerio and went our separate ways. Phil had cleaned the kitchen floor and hung washing up while I was out which was nice, especially since I’d felt overwhelmed by day-to-day chores after a week in bed and 2 days out. At bed-time, pouring rain and the generator competed to be loudest. Using earplugs and the meditation tape, I dropped in and out of slumber.

A month ahead of schedule, we were asked to make appointments for second vaccine doses, while 38-39 year olds were invited for a first. Amid warnings of circulating mutants, scientists called a new strain of the Indian variant ‘very concerning’. A surge of B.1.617.2 led to the highest number country-wide in Erewash, Derbyshire, followed by Bolton where targeted testing and a vaccination bus were introduced. A WHO report commissioned from the Independent Panel for Pandemic Preparedness and Response said a quicker international reaction to the Wuhan outbreak would’ve prevented a global catastrophe, it took too long for a public health emergency to be declared, and February 2020 was a ‘lost month’ when many more countries could have acted to prevent the spread. The Bumbler announced a covid commemoration commission with a memorial at St. Paul’s cathedral and an independent public inquiry into the government’s handling of the crisis, spring 2022. Keir asked why it couldn’t happen sooner and Jo Goodman said it was far too late: “It sounds like common sense when the PM says that an inquiry can wait until the pandemic is over, but lives are at stake with health experts and scientists warning of a third wave later this year.” Private Eye reported on a CCJ issued to Boris for an unpaid debt of £535. Dated during the time of the flat refurb it created much speculation but turned out to be a claim for defamation by conspiracy-theorist nutter Yvonne Hobbs South Yorkshire police investigated reports of 9 female cops posting images of face-licking at a party on Snapchat with the caption ‘Covid Who?’

Fighting between Israel and Palestine intensified. Police blocking access to the Al-Aqsa mosque on the eve of Eid and a Jerusalem Day march on Monday were seen as ‘provocation’. Rockets fired from Gaza were answered by airstrikes from Israel. A tower block hit, the Gaza death toll disproportionately rose to 48 including 14 children and sporadic violence broke out between Israeli and Palestinian citizens. UN special envoy Tor Wennesland warned: “we’re escalating towards a full-scale war.”

Yorkshire Jokes

Waking early again Thursday, I enjoyed coming round at a leisurely pace. Phil accused me of wasting the hours gained but I didn’t care. Sunny and warm, I opened the window to shake rugs out when cleaning the bedroom and heard a helicopter heading west. Was it going to Bolton? I wrote up Sunday’s walk for Cool Placesⁱⁱ and we had fun taking the ‘are you posh?’ quiz featured on Jeremy Vine. Answer: not very. We thought ‘laughing loudly’ referred to a horsey snort rather than a raucous northern bark. Becoming cold and wet again, we derided the Yorkshire weather: “it’s shit!”

Phil went to clean the bathroom but got distracted by a shoelace going up the vacuum. Meanwhile, I sat on the sofa relaxing to the ambient sounds of the humming hoover from the first floor, the ticking clock, and traffic splashing through the rain. I then played guitar. A bit rusty after a lengthy hiatus, I eventually recalled the scales I knew and 7 songs without looking up chords.

PHE data showed cases of the Indian variant tripled in a week. Spreading faster than the Kent version, especially in the under 25’s, rates increased in London, Sefton, Bedford and Blackburn, but the media spotlight was still on Bolton. Prof. James Naismith of Oxford University predicted it would ‘get everywhere’, local restrictions wouldn’t contain it and advocated a country-wide approach. An urgent sage meeting led to speculation on delaying the next stage of the waymark due 21^st June. Uncleverly said: “sage will make their assessments…report (to government), and we will make decisions based on the data and the evidence…” Boris ruled nothing out. Camoron was grilled on Greensill by the commons treasury committee. He insisted he’d had a ‘really good idea’ and there was ‘absolutely no wrongdoing’ but accepted ex-PMs should ‘think differently and act differently’ and conceded a single e-mail would be better than a barrage of messages, which Angela Eagle described as ‘more like stalking than lobbying’. Refusing to say how much he earned, he admitted to a ‘large economic interest’, holding shares and flying to Cornwall in a private jet. However, he called claims he could gain £60m ‘completely absurd’. Portugal supposedly welcomed Brits but we could currently only go to Madeira. Of others on the green list, the nation of Iceland and the dependencies of Gibraltar and the Faroe Islands, were the only ones not requiring quarantine. London City Airport said business trips would come back as they were essential while the French threatened to scupper the EU financial services agreement over the Jersey fish dispute. In spite of Egyptian attempts at mediation, violence between Israel and Palestine escalated.

On QT, Paul Mason said we were ‘ruled by crooks’. Tory Rob Bucket retorted that was untrue and insulting. Lisa Nandy admitted they needed to work to win back votes and persuade people Labour were for them and Brexiteer Michelle Dewberry called it daft to stick a remainer candidate up in Hartlepool. I’d already said this was the biggest issue in the by-election, but surely it was about time we got past this?

Turned Out Shite Again

Friday morning, we both felt a bit off; me with a scratchy throat and achy shoulders, Phil with aches everywhere. Probably down to the grey, damp weather it was also far too cold for the time of year. Hugging to console each other, our hair got in the way. Haircuts were definitely required. After some life admin and writing, I set off for the co-op. Rather busy with gaps on the shelves, I didn’t get too stressed as I grabbed the essentials.

Now located in 15 areas, Bolton gained top spot with B.1.617.2 on the rise. Burnman appeared on BBC breakfast to plead for inoculation of all over 16’s in affected Manchester boroughs and help for people to self-isolate (still an issue after a year). Evening news revealed cases tripled nationally in a week to 1,313 and 17 deaths were recorded. Transmissibility possibly higher than the Kent virus and growing at a faster rate, PHE responded to reports of reinfections as ‘to be expected’. Arguments arose on whether measures should include immunisation of entire multi-generational households or local restrictions (even though they didn’t work last time). Prof Paul Hunter of UEA said: “if the Indian variant…continues to increase at the same rate as it has…we’re going to have a huge number of cases by June,” but as it affected younger people, might not put extra pressure on the NHS. Nads Zahawi urged people to get tested, isolate if it proved positive and said lockdown easing wouldn’t have to be paused if everyone did their bit: “by taking the 2 tests a week, doing your PCR test in those areas, and isolate, isolate, isolate…the 4 tests have to be met.”

But then, The Bumbler briefed us that the surge could threaten the roadmap and: “pose a serious disruption to our progress and could make it much more difficult to move to step 4 in June.” The announcement that the gap between doses was being shortened for the over 50’s from 12 to 8 weeks, explained why we’d been called up a month ahead of schedule.

Portugal now said we could go on holiday from Monday, even though restrictions in the country were extended to 30^th May. Foreign travel to be permitted from Scotland on 24^th May and travel from NI within the CTA*, but not from Wales, Mark Drakeford said he couldn’t stop people going abroad via England, but would prefer they didn’t.

Saturday grey and drizzly, we declared it too shite for walking. That didn’t stop people coffee-cupping and pubbing, as Phil discovered when he nipped to town. I took recycling to the bins and found the outdoor air quite pleasant apart from the damp. I draft-posted the journal and rooted out old denims in search of a darker patch for my favourite jeans. My old Wranglers now fit Phil while another pair had a massive rip near the crotch. Chopping the legs off, I joked: “I’ve made you a delightful pair of cut-offs!” Phil donned them on top of the jeans he was wearing to parade around the living room. When I finally stopped laughing, I fashioned a section of leg into a patch and stitched in front of the telly (avoiding the FA cup final, complete with a crowd) while Phil cut his hair. Raining all night, the weather remained changeable on Sunday. It was my turn for a hair do. Decanting dyeing accoutrements, the disposable gloves stank of germolene. Were they PPE rejects?

On the Marr, Yvette Coop said Tracy Brabin was ace and labour would do everything they could to keep hold of Batley & Spen. The Cock wittered about controlling variants and cited evidence of vaccine effectiveness, based on a sole clinical trial by Oxford University. When quizzed on travel quarantine not working, he didn’t even know who the ISU was! Things got grimmer north of the border when Glasgow Rangers fans celebrated victory by marching from the Ibrox Stadium to the city centre. Mayhem, violence and anti-Catholic chants resulted in 5 cop injuries and 28 arrests. Sturgeon tweeted she was ‘utterly disgusted.’

*CTA – Common Travel Area – UK, ROI, Channel isles, IOM

References:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

Part 61 – Washouts and Landslides

“Disconnection from our heartland communities will only deepen unless they can look to Labour and see a party with clear, bold policies that understands and speaks to them ” (Len McClusky)

Washout Monday

Still feeling dizzy on a cold, grey Monday morning, I wobbled down for a cuppa and decided porridge would warm us up. Later, I bathed, fetched coffee, reading material and the laptop and ensconced myself in bed to post blogs and read Valley Life. Only flicking through the spring edition at Easter, I hadn’t noticed my piece got a mention on the cover and in the editorial! An article on the flood relief works revealed a walk further down the canal was needed to see their full extent. Phil worked downstairs and brought me a tasty lunch butty. I remarked it felt like any other Monday. As if to underline the point, the heavens opened, putting paid to May Day bank holiday frolics. If there was a street party at the local labour club, it would be a washout but at least the dirty hippies could have a nice shower! Elsewhere over the weekend, 5,000 Scousers went to a test gig in Sefton Park and Cambridge students had a rave on Jesus Green for Caesarean Sunday. A bright interval early evening tempted swifts to dart about the valley catching insects. Attempts to capture them on my phone camera were futile.

A sole death from coronavirus recorded, vaccines reached 50m of which 15m were second jabs. Moderna committed 500m doses to Covax but the WHO programme wouldn’t start until late 2021, with most delivered 2022. Why so slow? On his third campaign visit to Hartlepool, The Bumbler hinted at scrapping social distancing when pubs fully re-opened. Thinking mid-May a bit early, I exclaimed: “they should at least wait until us oldies are fully immunised!” Indoor activities opened in Wales and the EU revealed proposals “to allow entry to the EU not only for all persons coming from countries with a good situation but also to all people who have received the last recommended dose of an EU-authorised vaccine.” A decision likely by the end of the month, they expected reciprocity. Several countries were muted to be green-lighted for travel from the UK. But following the ISU’s warnings of airports being breeding grounds, Layla Moran spluttered: “It’s staggering to think the government is even contemplating encouraging overseas holidays when airports are already struggling to keep the virus and new variants at bay…Urgent measures are needed to better detect fake Covid test certificates, reduce overcrowding in arrival halls and separate out those arriving from red and amber list countries.” Prof. Ferguson Inaccurately predicted Italy and France would get the green light if infections fell and agreed with Boris’ tweet that it would be a ‘Great British summer’, saying: “life will feel a lot more like normal.” He added that the move to scrap social-distancing would inevitably lead to more infections and fatalities but it was ‘a political decision’ to determine how many deaths were acceptable. It was my turn to splutter!

In the aftermath of the Super league failure, the Premier League introduced a charter committing football club owners to ‘the core principles’ of the competition, while a capacity audience watched the boring snooker final.

During the night, I awoke with a coughing fit. A drink of water and a throat pastille soon calmed it down, but I slept fitfully afterwards, with Covid dreams involving pub mates.

Deluged

Respite from the engineering works over the bank holiday, they woke me at 8.00 a.m. Tuesday. Slightly better and the cough not persistent, I stopped worrying I had Covid. Still chronically fatigued, I stayed in bed for the next few days. While Phil took care of chores and errands, I worked on the next journal instalment. The deluge of news stories meant it took all week.

According to ONS figures, infections in secondary schools were 0.3%, a big drop from December and on a par with the wider population. Polls showing the tory lead down from 11 to 5%, but 50% ahead in Hartlepool, Keir foresaw defeat, saying on BBC Breakfast that he took ‘full responsibility’ for the outcome of the by-election. Holding onto the Labour stronghold in 2019, Brexit-voting Hartlepool was still a red brick in the blue wall. Referring to allegations of Boris’ misconduct in office, he said: ”Being the PM…is an incredible honour…and it shouldn’t be ‘priced in’ that (he’s) not going to be straight (with us)…this idea that some of the top government seem to have that the rules don’t really apply to them…is completely wrong.” The hospitality industry whinged they couldn’t recruit enough staff for 17^th May as loads had gone off to be delivery drivers. ‘Well, pay more than minimum wage then!’ I advised.

Wednesday, I tried to expunge nasty black marks from my fingers. I’d only just noticed the ingrained muck from last week’s DIY. I worked on the journal until head fug set in, backed up computer files and put a pile of clothes away. During ‘quiet time’, I got absolutely no rest at all with so much noise outside. Besides works on the canal, builders clattered, trains screeched and traffic beeped.

As it was muted the NHS App may not be ready in time for travel, Portugal said come anyway. Having already booked 60m Pfizer boosters for autumn, Uncleverly told us Van Dam was leading ‘Covboost’ – a trial to look at “which vaccine delivers the best boost.” The Cock announced capacity for blood testing at Porton Down would double, to detect anti-bodies and “future-proof the country from the threat of new variants.” Nads Zahawi said the UK conducted 50% of the worlds’ genome sequencing of coronavirus and mutants, adding that as the situation moved from pandemic to endemic, they’d deal with it in the same way as ‘flu. Adam Finn of JCVI warned that as the virus circulated throughout the world without being properly tested, there would definitely be viral evolution, possibly undetected. “As more and more of the world’s population become immune to the virus through infection or through immunisation, the speed of that is likely to go up so it’s certainly a problem now and it’s likely to be an increasing problem going forward.” With some scientists saying more spread equalled faster mutations, while others said the opposite, I was left confused.

At a G7 meeting in London, the USA proposed intellectual property exemption for vaccines, to allow a global response. 2 Indian delegates travelled infected and self-isolated, to be closely followed by the whole deputation. Organisers claimed it was due to strict procedures that Covid had been detected and Boris denied it was a mistake to meet in person. For the first time ever, I agreed with Dawn Brexit on Jeremey Vine who asked why were they let in when we couldn’t go anywhere? But I soon disagreed again as she went onto to say it wasn’t mad to go to India on holiday even with 20m cases and 220,000 deaths – crazy! In the meantime, The Bumbler had a zoom call with Nodi to agree pledges on health, climate, education, science & technology, defence and trade which he called a ‘quantum leap’. Evil Musk sent more satellites into space and a SpaceX test didn’t end in a crash for once. Meanwhile, a Chinese rocket that took the Tianhe space station up, hurtled towards earth. The descent uncontrolled, no one knew when or where it would land.

Following Newsnight, a cop doc featured a murder in my home town. One street over from where I grew up, it housed a decent pub back then; a favourite haunt of my dad’s. The pub now gone, the area was haunted by drug gangs with guns.

Super Thursday

Election day was cold with heavy showers, including hail. Apparently brought by an arctic blast, it snowed elsewhere and didn’t bode well for Labour. Still ailing, I had to get out of bed so we could change the sheets. I got straight back in to work on the laptop. Late afternoon, Phil went to the polling station, equipped with mask and pen. Getting wet, at least he missed the hailstones. He handed my ballot in and completed his own. Not gone long, I asked: “not busy then?” “No, ”he chuckled, “just one hippy.” He then complained: “you didn’t tell me there were 2 votes.” “What?“ “For the mayor; there was a second choice.”

“I did tell you, and there was a leaflet explaining it all. Anyway, I’m not your electoral advisement officer.” “Yes you are.” “Hmm. I didn’t bother. I didn’t want to split the vote and it’s not mandatory.” “Oh.” “Who did you vote for?” “One of the weirdos.”* “God help us!”

At least he hadn’t drawn a cock and balls on the papers, as he’d threatened, in retribution for the council putting new led street-lighting up. Mayoral candidate Tracy Brabin off Corrie, was churlishly spragged up for giving out free brownies, but as party workers ate them, she broke no rules. Someone obviously predicted she’d win. In London, serious candidates headed off a mind-boggling array of minority parties, independent nutters and Covid-deniers, including Piers Corbyn, Psycho Fox, Count Binface, and the hilariously-named Peter Gammon of UKIP.

I later spotted a missed message from Walking Friend. On her way to vote, she’d wanted to meet for coffee. I thanked her for the thought and said I’d get in touch when I felt better.

Young adults took part in trials of a plant-based vaccine in York. Canadian pharma Medicago cleverly grew the virus protein on leaves. The ONS revealed a shocking 19.6% hike in alcohol-related deaths. The rise starting in March 2020, it coincided with the start of the first lockdown.

Wednesday, 2 French boats blocked the port of St. Helier and French maritime minister Annick Girardin threatened to cut off Jersey’s electricity supply, in retaliation for a requirement that fishers submit evidence of past activities in the island’s waters to get a continuance licence. Lambasted as ‘disproportionate’, naval ships were disproportionately dispatched, closely pursued by the French military on a ‘patrol mission’. A 15 hour stand-off ensued, involving up to 100 French fishing boats, the loosing of flares, ramming of a pleasure-craft, musket fire from a re-enactor, and a fisherman called Popeye declaring ‘war’. The French then sailed away Thursday teatime, saying they’d made their point. Brussels complained to Westminster that the new rules broke the Brexit agreement. After speaking to the protestors, Jersey Senator Ian Gorst said the licence requirements had been ‘lost in translation’ and Chief Minister John Le Fronde added the ‘very good discussions’ highlighted issues that could easily be resolved. Amid concerns the situation could escalate if unsettled, John Bercow on QT called it ‘jingoistic sabre rattling,’ not unconnected to the elections.

Fallout Friday

Slightly improved Friday, I stayed in bed writing and replied to an e-mail from the researcher, confirming our upcoming meeting. That evening, Have I Got News For You featured the community library in the Hants village of Hurstbourne Tarrant, also containing porn. Was it a national phenomenon? The Cornholme incident got a mention, bringing more unwelcome attention to the area.

PHE said inoculations had averted 10,000 deaths and with Jansen set to be approved (requiring only 1 jab), the under 40’s were to be offered alternatives to AZ. Traffic lights revealed only 12 green countries including Portugal, Gibraltar, Israel and Iceland. France, Italy, Spain and Greece were on the amber list and Turkey, The Maldives and Nepal added to the red. Shats now said the NHS app would be ready for use to prove you’d had 2 injections, or you could get a letter before travelling. TUI offered holidaymakers the required tests at a bargain £20. A fire at the New Providence Wharf tower block, where cladding replacement was underway, led Grenfell United to shout “enough is enough!”

Tories crowing over a landslide victory in the Hartlepool by-election, Boris went to pose with a blimp of himself. They also gained control of 13 councils, although it took several days for all ballots to be counted, as it did for metro mayors. Bemoaning the losses, Keir bleated: “we have not made a strong enough case to the country.” John McDonnell accused him of being ‘almost policy-less’ and Len McClusky warned disconnection would deepen unless Labour had clear, relevant policies.

In a weird dream, I inexplicably volunteered at an undefined government-sponsored conference, along with some people I knew. Clueless as to the theme, we succeeded in winging it, wondered what it was all about and concluded it was a cronyism scam. “Now we have insider knowledge. We could be proper whistle-blowers!” I whooped. Telling Phil the next day, he said I obviously missed coffee-cupping but as my conference days were far behind me, I thought it more likely a mixture of TV exposure, awful election results and wanting to bring the government down.

Saturday morning, I felt well enough to have breakfast downstairs but returned upstairs with aches and pains. Grey skies and rain didn’t help. Planning to mend holes in the newly-washed bedspread, it was so cold I ended up putting it back on the bed – in May! I rallied sufficiently to go back down late afternoon.

Much perkier following a relatively good sleep, I itched to get out of the house on Sunday. We set off in fine weather for the nearest wood. Climbing up, an earthy scent rose from the churned up track scattered with dislodged wall blocks – caused by a vehicle or the recent rain? In the wood, the mysterious stones appeared green rather than blue as did stained sheep in the adjacent field. Corvids squawked above as if to say ‘get off our land!’ We slogged up to the top wall, expecting to keep in alignment with it, but the path veered down and we emerged onto a nasty stony path. We crossed onto softer ground for a much easier ascent to familiar territory.. Afternoon showers put paid to our usual rest stop. We squatted under a large tree near the waterfall, teeming for once. “It’s like camping,” Phil said, “imagine waiting 40 minutes for the kettle to boil.” “No thanks!” The quarry similarly transformed by increased water, we navigated paths resembling streams on the shorter route down (for a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱ)

Although we didn’t get far, the uphill climbs and a ‘shortcut’ which added 45 minutes to the walk, was enough for me. Back home, I edited photos and was inspired by zinging greenery after the rain to write a haigaⁱⁱ.

2/3 of adults were inoculated, 1/3 with 2 doses. The ‘key tests’ met, an announcement Monday was predicted to confirm the next stage of the waymark, and permit hugging. “What I want to know is, will face-licking be allowed?” Phil joked. A curfew in Spain ended, excepting Navarra, Valencia, the Balearics, and the Canaries. The Chinese rocket splashed down in the Indian Ocean.

Counting for the West Yorkshire mayor finally took place. Tracy Brabin celebrated her 60^th birthday with a win. Watching the weekend’s extensive election coverage, I only heard national media even mention it twice until the declaration. The Yorkshire Party came third which was funny but Tracy’s roles as mayor and PCC meant a by-election in Batley & Spen, which wasn’t. Despite tory gains, the majority of metro mayors were labour (a fact also omitted by the mainstream) and they held onto some Lancashire and Yorkshire councils including ours. Rather than a red wall, the map looked more like a red fence with holes in it.

Labour also kept control of the Welsh Senedd, and the SNP held onto Holyrood. The fourth successive victory led Sturgeon to say it was ‘when not if’ for Scottish independence. Boris told her to stick to tackling the virus and invited devolved leaders to a Team UK summit on the pandemic.

Thinking Angela Rayner would make a good party leader (and not just because she represented my hometown), Kier sacked her as party chair and campaign manager to inevitable accusations of scapegoating. Was that what he called taking full responsibility for his own mistakes? Saying she’d retain her deputy leader role because of her ‘working class appeal’, we were flummoxed seeing as she was elected by members. A hasty shadow cabinet re-shuffle over the weekend moved her to shadow cabinet minister. Meanwhile, Dodds was out and Reeves in as shadow chancellor.

Developing a painful stiff neck in the evening, a massage helped the pain but not sleep. Tossing and turning in a luminous night, I looked through the curtains at a solitary bright star. With the help of the meditation tape, I dropped in and out of sleep to be disturbed at 5.45 a.m. by loud industrial vehicles – grr!

* I think Phil placed his second choice mayoral vote for The Yorkshire Party; not that weird!

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 60 – Curtain Gate

“I really believe that if the political leaders of the planet could see their world from a distance of, let’s say 100,000 miles, their outlook would be fundamentally changed. The all-important border would be invisible, that noisy argument suddenly silenced” (Michael Collins)

Papering Over The Cracks

I awoke Monday morning to the engineering racket. Attesting to how many weeks it’d been going on, I could tell it was a crane from the noise! After nasty chores, I put a picture on Facebook for my nephew’s birthday then posted blogs. I set about painting the pink table after lunch. Needing undercoating, it inevitably took longer to sand the wood, find plain white paint, and open tins than to apply it. Drying quickly but patchily, I painted a second coat before dinner. Turps stung an invisible cut on my hand. Phil dismissed my profanities of pain. “You’re always swearing.” “How very dare you!” Taking a breather outside, it was colder than the sunshine suggested. I went back in to get warm. The full moon barely visible behind cloud and the generator barely audible, I still needed help getting to sleep that night.

Boris warned another wave might come and urged vaccine take-up. As 44 year olds were invited, a TV ad encouraged under 50’s to get a first dose and over 50’s a second. The Bumbler naysaid the latest chat from the rat, that he ranted he’d rather let ‘effing bodies pile high in their thousands’ than have a second lockdown. Margaret Hodge asked: “How many more times will government ministers accept their leader, our PM, has misled the public, the press and parliament before they declare him unfit for office?” Phil answered: “the same number of times the public won’t – umpteen. Because he’s got funny hair!” “Yes, and then there’s Brexit.” I added. Widely believed to be the proponent of herd immunity in the early days of the pandemic and now apparently leaking shocking quotes, it seemed The Scumbag lived up to his moniker, storing up dirt to dish out later (although he wasn’t the only source of the latest exposé).

In a 6-page reply to the Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice request for a public inquiry, government said that with those involved ‘working round the clock’ at this ‘critical phase’, they had ‘no capacity’ to launch one. Jo Goodman asked: “how long will grieving families be left without answers, without assurance that the mistakes that led to our loved ones’ deaths are not repeated? We are still living through the pandemic – procrastination is … an insult to the bereaved (and) prevents the government from protecting future lives…” As expected, Scotland moved down to level 3. Cafes, beer gardens, non-essential shops, salons, gyms, pools, museums and holiday lets re-opened. Travel to England and Wales was permitted and 6 people could meet indoors but could only drink alcohol outdoors. In Wales, outdoor hospitality opened up and up to 30 people could partake in activities.

Tuesday, I painted the Ikea table to match the woodwork in the living room. Purchased in more affluent times, the posh Farrow & Ball paint revived after a stir. I managed to keep the oily stuff off my hands until right at the end when cleaning up – typical! I sent Phil to the shop for cheddar cheese. Returning with red Leicester, he claimed I said there was no difference. “I doubt that. But Nadiya Hussain is a fan so I might re-appraise it.” It proved to make rather tasty cheese on toast. Having been quiet so far, the engineering works re-started late afternoon. My siesta disturbed, the beeping noise of dumper trucks reversing was more intrusive than the actual doings!

Covid deaths were down 97% since 22^nd Jan. Attributed to lockdowns and vaccine take-up, the ONS said 90% of those required to self-isolate, did. The Downing Street flat renovation controversy continued. Therese Coffee-cup trolled out the party line and gave no real answers to the alleged donor payment, or her boss’ comments about letting the virus ‘rip’. PM spokesmen later insisted he said no such thing and also that the UK had no spare vaccine to send to India, even though 5m doses were due to come the other way. Instead, the government sent 200 ventilators and 95 air converters. Lambasted as a drop in the ocean, the USA donated spare AZ vaccines and the WHO dispatched more help but cited mass gatherings as one of the causes of the surge of B1.617. Ridiculously, election rallies still went on. Trying to defend the situation, the leader of the ruling party sounded like an idiot on Newsnight, twittering about twittering. In a reference to the unilateral extension of the grace period, Adolf Von Der Leyen warned Boris not to breach terms of the Brexit deal before a retrospective vote by MEPs.

I painted a second coat on the Ikea table before elevenses Wednesday morning. By lunchtime, it was dry enough to touch up streaky patches. I then made a mess of the sink cleaning the brushes and got annoyed that I’d created more work for myself. The co-op busy that afternoon, kids ran amok and a young man behind me at the till edged too close as he stared at his phone. I told him to move back. Putting groceries on the conveyer, I saw the bread wrapping was ripped. The nice cashier waited while I fetched a replacement. “How are you?” she asked “Okay.” “That didn’t sound convincing.” “It’s paint fumes. I need fresh air!” I hurried out the back door, removed my mask and took a deep breath. Back home, I had a faff sorting veg, discovering tomatoes already going squishy and dropping spuds all over the floor.

Stonewalling

With ‘reasonable grounds to suspect that an offence had been committed’, The Electoral Commission were investigating Curtain Gate. Tories insisted Boris had now paid for the refurb, but didn’t say who forked out in the first place. On Politics Live, Stella Creasy and Daisy Cooper agreed that as Number 10 hadn’t come clean, questions were raised and it mattered to folk who couldn’t pay their bills, while Carrie Antionette chose wallpaper. When asked directly by Kier at PMQs who stumped up the cash, The Bumbler stonewalled and rambled about ventilators, housing costs and lauded the success (sic) of the EU approving the Brexit deal – what a moron! Countering the Captain Hindsight handle, Keir came up with Major Sleaze. Quizzed on the ‘bodies piling up’ quote, Boris gave a flat “No.” “I’ll leave it there for now,” lawyer Keir said; a marker for later or to ensure the answer was on record? Fast losing his shit, a frit Boris immediately went to the Westminster tearoom to rally his troops. The Glove-Puppet’s missus Sarah Vine was on Radio 4 saying: “The Prime Minister can’t be expected to live in a skip.” I’d be delighted to find a skip full of John Lewis décor!

On Newsnight, we learned designer Lulu Lytle of Soane Britain supplied golden paper at a cost of £80,000. The PM’s decorating allowance £30,000, it was revealed in a leaked e-mail that the donor of the extra money was Lord Brownlow. The tory peer reportedly asked for it to be attributed to a ‘soon-to-be-formed Downing Street Trust’ to which others were asked to contribute. Thangam Debonnaire mentioned “8 inquiries and counting…” into sleaze. ‘Yes’, I thought, ‘and yet they say there aren’t resources for a proper inquiry into covid deaths’.

A day after MPs demanded another inquiry into why the independent adviser on ministerial standards hadn’t yet been replaced, FDA (the Civil Service union) were granted a full court hearing on Boris’ dismissal of the report into bullying by Nasty Patel (which led to Alex Allan’s resignation last November). The queen’s former PS Lord Geidt was appointed to fill the vacancy. Paving the way for publication of the register of ministerial interests and possibly details of donations to fund the flat refurb, he was only allowed to investigate at the behest of the PM – hardly independent! The traffic lights system and list of countries deemed safe expected early May, Shats said the NHS app would be used to prove covid status for travel, pending a meeting with his G7 equivalents next week. Last month’s Barcelona gig was declared a success with only 6 people testing positive 14 days later, lower than the Spanish average. Arlene Foster lost a vote of no confidence and resigned as NI first minister and leader of the DUP. The main issues were the Brexit deal and gay conversion therapy. Good grief! What century were they in?

Global food producer Nestlé were axing 600 UK jobs with closure of the Newcastle Fawdon factory and more efficient processes, aka cuts, at the York plant. While there’d be investment and more production in Halifax, some was moving to Europe, including easter eggs. Unions vowed to fight for ‘every job’. Ross Murdoch rallied: “To ruin hundreds of lives in a ruthless pursuit of profits, to the very workers who’ve kept the company going during a global pandemic, is sickening…it’s corporate greed at its worst.”

Michael Collins, the one who didn’t walk on the moon during the Apollo 11 mission, died. “It’s a fragile little thing,” he’d observed whilst orbiting and taking a photos of the earth.

A Bout de Souffle

Thursday, the engineers on the canal started at 8. Good job I needed to be up. I rushed chores and writing tasks, scoffed an early lunch and ran to the market. No queues allowed a bit of banter at the fish van and a joke at the cheap veg stall. “I’ll have 4 pears,” a fellow customer said. “4 pears of what? Ha, ha!” Horrifyingly, the toiletries stall was absent. German friend hovered in front of the pub where she’d booked us a table – the same one we sat at last week. Chilly and showery, we sheltered under the awning and she pressed a button for hot puffs of air. A bit early for me, I drank juice while she had lager. I provided her with tips based on changes I’d made to avoid diabetes but advised: “If you stop drinking, I bet your blood sugar will drop within weeks.” Sharing tales of encounters with neighbours and gardening, she related a funny story about Deborah Bonkers trying to get her to clean the converted mill apartments’ bin store. I offered her some of my pile of crock pots, saving her a trip to buy gravel. As she awaited a couple of pub mates, I thought I’d stay until they arrived. I went inside to use the loo, finding the water freezing cold and the air hand drier only working in 10 second bursts. I was about to give up waiting when one of the pub mates turned up. I had a few words before taking my leave. Phil hoovered the living room while I was out. I moved the painted table back into the corner. Still a bit patchy, at least it matched.

Boris called Curtain Gate a ‘farrago of nonsense’ – Ironic coming from him! Total costs of the refurb reportedly £200,000, you could buy a house for that! As Keir went to Manchester and posed choosing wallpaper in John Lewis, The Bumbler said he had nothing against the go-to shop of the affluent middle class. Was he leaving his girlfriend to ‘Carrie the Can’?

Now 3 investigations – The Electoral Commission, Lord Geidt and Simon Case (at Boris’ behest), it later transpired his contact details were public for the last 15 years. Indian variant cases in the UK rose to 132, most linked to travel and 3 in a Leicester school. On QT, Oxfam CEO Danny Sriskandarajah said it wasn’t a wave, but a tsunami. Daisy Cooper advocated sending spare vaccines to India before the virus mutated again and ‘washed up on our shores’. A memo leaked to The Torygraph from FCDO* revealed an 80% cut in aid for clean water. Water Aid called it ‘savage’ in a time of Covid. The Grenfell group denounced the passing of the Fire Safety Law; loans meant leaseholder debts of up to £80,000.

The co-op busy again Friday, I had problems swiping my card, holding the queue up. My mate at the kiosk whinged about the price of filters compared to the market. I wasn’t the only one who missed the toiletries stall yesterday! With elections for councils (postponed from last year), plus mayors, PCCs, the London Assembly, Holyrood, the Sennedd and the constituency of Hartlepool, Newscast dubbed 6^th May ‘Super Thursday’. I mislaid my postal ballot papers, causing mild panic until Phil found them under a pile of paperwork. Mercifully only having 2 to do, I filled them in then realised, because of the bank holiday, they’d need hand-delivering at the polling station anyway. Seeing the Freedom Alliance candidate was a local ageing hippie, we again reflected nothing had really changed since the olden days. In the 1980’s, the focus of their conspiracy theories was the Illuminati, Opus Dei and the Eye of Providence on the dollar bill, rather than viruses, Bill Gates and 5g. “The modern world must be bewildering to them. I’m surprised they’re even on social media!“

In the first week there’d be evidence that relaxations on 12^th April had a negative impact, infections fell 40%, but were up in Yorkshire & The Humber and Eastern England. Tim Spector of Kings College said: “we’re past that pandemic period and we’re moving into…the endemic period where we get low levels of infection and occasional outbreaks, but they don’t spread to the rest of the population.” Vaccinations reached 34m with over 40’s next to be invited. Germany delivered 1.1m but cases remained high. As part of the ERP, 6,000 Liverpudlians went clubbing. They had a lot more fun than people at the all-night Jewish orthodox Lag B’omer festival. A stampede at the tomb of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai led to 45 deaths. Cause unknown, Netanyahu promised a full investigation.

A note on a nearby village community library went viral. As someone put salacious material in the box, an incensed resident wrote: ‘Whoever is placing…(porno)…here, stop! Cornholme is a god-fearing, Christian village. If this filth is to your liking may we suggest that you move to the cesspit that is Hebden Bridge.’ Phil looked aghast at the slur. I commented on Manchester Friend’s Facebook post that I resented the cesspit comment. Harangued by national media on twitter, Vegan Friend told The Sun she didn’t want her name in the rag. Doubting a Jon I used to work with who once lived in the village was a god-fearing Christian, a tweet suggested a guy with the same name had snuck back to put the filth in the box – was it a coincidence?

In light of recent events, Alex Salmon said: “People keep telling me what an immovable object Boris Johnson will be. I think a puff of wind would blow him over at the present moment.”

The Final Curtain

On a cold and grey Saturday, I stayed in front of the telly, writing Cool Places all dayⁱ. Leeds United looked very tired losing to Burnley. Shown on Prime, It was a novelty seeing an actual live premier league match for once, although the bizarre ticker tape at the bottom of the screen did our heads in with nonsensical ramblings. I slept badly and struggled downstairs for a cuppa Sunday. The morning starting bright, we planned to go looking for bluebells when it started to rain. Reasoning the crap weather might put off the coffee-cuppers, I went to the market instead. No such luck! Town rammed, people dawdled in the square, telling strangers how cute their tiny dogs were. I dodged long leads to get to the wobbly veg stall, finding a paltry selection.

Phil due to meet me for charity shopping, I rang and told him not to bother. Stressed and exhausted when I got home, I collapsed on the sofa and tried to compose a haiga. As the sun briefly re-merged, Phil interrupted my flow to ask if I wanted to go out again. “No, I’m tired and I’m doing something.” He persisted. “I’m trying to think of a word.” “Discombobulation.” “Shut up!” I fumed, storming off. Calmer but with a headache and unable to concentrate, I cleared mucky bits in the living room and ate lunch until I felt able to complete the haigaⁱⁱ . The altercation made us both sad. We cheered up with a cuddle, a funny film and TV dramas. The curtain came down on Line of Duty series 6. The lowkey but logical and conclusive finale garnered complaints from some of the record 12.8 million viewers. Not sure why. The scourge of bent coppers, Ted Hastings, definately wouldn’t have been H!

The death toll in the UK over the past week fell to a daily average of 16. New infections in India reached 400,000 a day, variant cases in the UK doubled and 1,000 more ventilators were sent. On the Marr, Prof. Openshaw and Lisa Nandy both said we needed a global response to the crisis, i.e., not unilaterally send vaccines. Uncertain that was the right message, Phil discovered how bad things really were. The Indian health service dismantled, there was no way of distributing it. A pitch invasion at Old Trafford in protest against rich American owners, lead to 2 cop injuries and curtains for Man Utd’s game against Liverpool.

Hardly able to keep my head up at bedtime, I awoke during the night with a scratchy throat, an itchy nose, a raging thirst and an odd dizzy feeling.

*FCDO – Foreign, Commonwealth & Development Office

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 59 – The English Game

“A good news story at last…struggling Westminster family rescued from ‘John Lewis nightmare’ by generous anonymous donor” (Barry Sheerman)

The English Langwage

Waking in the bright early dawn Monday, I turned over and slept ‘til 9. Jeremy Vine featured a campaign to make English words easier to spell. It had us in stitches. Examples included ‘wosh’, ‘Receev’ and ‘guud iedei’. Wondering who’d come up with this guff, it turned out to be the result of 3 years intense coffee-cupping by The Spelling Societyⁱ. Inspired, we came up with our own, without the need for umpteen focus groups. E.g.: langwage; alfabet; soop; shop-bort; komershull; vakseen; actchewal; dementure.

After blog posting and grotty chores, I grouted the tiles on the bathroom cube and planted wild garlic bulbs. Uprooted by accident when picking, we now had 6 plants in tubs. I’d forgotten I’d made a pile of detritus 2 weeks ago and filled a black bag with it, while a wasp annoyingly buzzed round my head. Hot and thirsty, I retreated indoors for water and a lie down.

Vaccinations reached 43m, of which 33m were first and 10m second jabs. As cases in India still soared and the majority of the 103 variant cases in the UK were linked to travel, New Delhi went into a week’s lockdown and the whole country went onto the travel red list. Effective from 4.00 a.m. Friday, Boris was forced to cancel his trade trip. The European Super League confirmed late Sunday night, the big 6 English clubs were set to join along with 3 Italian and 3 Spanish teams. Much condemnation and consternation ensued. Greedy owners were lambasted by ‘legacy’ fans. UEFA called it ‘disgraceful’ and ‘self-serving’. JP Morgan underwrote loans for The Super League Company who instigated legal action so UEFA couldn’t stop players partaking in other international competitions. Number 10 looked at options such as fan ownership or clawing back Covid loans and Jose Mourinho was sacked from Spurs. Rishi Rich announced a digital currency taskforce, denying it meant the end of English cash. Perseverance flew the Ingenuity helicopter on Mars. The two NASA bots endearingly took photos of each other.

Phil had struggled with his vision all day making him quite depressed but perked up in the evening. Watching our customary Monday night film, I could hardly keep my peepers open. Hoping for a decent night, the droning generator meant it took ages to get any sleep, even with earplugs and the meditation tape. Wakened by an almighty crashing and clanging at 4. 50 a.m., I was absolutely furious. And then it was only 3 hours until the engineering works re-commenced!

Tuesday morning, I felt back at square one with extreme fatigue and a headache. At the end of my tether, I fumed in bed while Phil fetched breakfast and tried to cheer me up. I forced a chuckle as he pulled funny faces. Wobbling downstairs for chores and writing, I opened the living room window for fresh air to promptly re-close it as the incessant din reached a crescendo. The forecast good, we’d planned a walk but the sun disappeared and I wasn’t up to it anyway. Desperate for respite, I took valerian before a siesta. Slightly chilled out, I didn’t fully relax, gave up and placed an Ocado order.

On the campaign trail Monday, Keir was invited to the Raven in Bath by one of the co-owners. In a rage that Labour hadn’t opposed lockdowns, the other owner, Rod Humphris, screamed: “get out of my pub!” The sociopath came on Jeremy Vine Tuesday morning saying ‘look at Sweden’. It was incredulous the likes of him still got a platform to spout their nonsense after a year of suffering and death! Lucy Moreton of the Immigration Services Union said 100 fake covid passes were detected at UK borders every day, airports were breeding grounds as arrivals from different countries were confined indoors and mixed in queues with no social-distancing, and there was no way to know if they quarantined as required.

English Pastimes

The night quieter, I anticipated noise disturbance any minute but it didn’t come until 8.20 Wednesday morning; mercifully not as loud as the previous day. A communique on the mayoral elections did nothing to change my opinion of the motley crew. Most were Leeds-based, the English Democrat candidate’s address wasn’t even in Yorkshire, and Reform UK (nee The Brexit Party) were anti-lockdown nutters (no wonder Anne Widdecombe was in it!) Similarly, the fruit-loop Freedom Alliance standing for the local council, spouted a load of conspiracy guff. A leaflet pushed through the letterbox later in the week had literally been hand-rolled on a Gestetner. The reek of old-fashioned ink took me back to early anarchist group days!

After the inevitable happy birthday to the queen, Keir led PMQ’s by referencing texts from the Bumbler to James Brexit Dyson. In response to Dyson’s lobbying, the PM personally promised he’d fix an issue over the tax status of workers returning to make ventilators at the start of the pandemic (which never materialised). Days later, Rishi announced workers coming to the UK wouldn’t have their tax status changed. “One rule for those that have got the prime ministers’ phone number, another for everybody else.” Keir railed, “if a nurse had (his) phone number would they get the 4% pay rise?” Boris replied: “I make absolutely no apology at all for shifting heaven and earth…to secure ventilators for the people of this country.” Keir batted back with accusations of tax breaks for tory chums, pushing colleagues to help Greensill and dodgy PPE deals. With new allegations every day, it was “sleaze, sleaze, sleaze…all on his watch!” Boris typically evasive, played the old Captain Hindsight card. A labour spokesman later said there was evidence the ministerial code was breached and further ammunition came from Transparency International UK who identified 73 crony contracts, and possible criminality.

For the first time since cafes and pubs were allowed to have seating, we had lunch out. It looked pleasant from indoors but as we set off, the sun hid behind clouds and a cool breeze whipped up. We sat outside the Turkish café for a chilly al-fresco lunch – a very English pastime! German Friend came by and asked me to share pre-diabetic tips sometime. She’d booked a table at the pub on the square for herself and a mutual friend (whom we’d last seen March 2020; just before she went into hospital at the start of lockdown #1). I went in the sweet shop for some non-essential shopping while Phil loitered outside the animal charity shop. We perused a seemingly interesting display of kitchen gadgets but came away empty-handed.

Stopping to say hello to our friends outside the pub, they persuaded us to join them. The two women sat opposite each other at the far end while an old fellow pub mate sat at the other end, leaving plenty of space for us. Before getting stuck into a one-time regular pastime of supping ale, I nipped across the square to finish errands before enjoying an hour in company. Although fun, it felt odd being with other people and the staff flitted between tables far too much for my liking. Comparing notes on the various lockdowns, we had a laugh at the geese and corvids taking over during the first one.

After 1 pint, we felt really cold and said our goodbyes. Phil still had one more purchase to make. I strolled homewards until he caught me up and persuaded me to take a bunch of free sage from a table in the lower street a very English herb.

Daily press conferences by Boris scrapped, Oliver Dowdy was wheeled out to defend the decision to use the room in Downing Street, specially refurbished at tax-payers’ expense, for ministerial press conferences instead. Indian cases and deaths still rising, hospitals were full, the number of variant cases in the UK doubled, and 200 people a day arrived to beat the Qs before Friday. Boris announced a Covid-19 taskforce to find effective anti-virals. More legislation muted to foil the European Super League such as changing competition laws, the big 6 English teams all pulled out, as did Inter Milan. Was the move in anticipation of changes to the Champions League which the big clubs didn’t think went far enough, or a ruse to get more money out of the FA? John Barnes appeared on BBC Breakfast to say it was. As Derek Chauvin was rightly convicted of the George Floyd murder, it emerged teenager Ma’Khia Bryant was shot by a cop minutes before the verdict. Would anything ever change? After a Tesla car missed a turning, crashed into a tree and burst into flames killing the 2 occupants, police said no one was driving. Evil Musk tweeted: “Data logs recovered so far show autopilot was not enabled” A likely story seeing as 27 crashes in the past month were being investigated in the USA.

English Mythology

Frost gave way to sunshine on Thursday. Phil wanted to find more mythical archaeology and I agreed to go in search of a standing stone near the hilltop village. We caught a bus up to the boundary with the next hamlet, utilised a picturesque bench to eat a pasty lunch and consulted directions before looking for the mystical stone. On eventually finding it, we realised we’d past it several times on the way to the crags. How did we miss those huge holly bushes? Inaccessibly set into a wall and obscured by barbed wire, we peered over to realise a line of stones crossing a horse field led directly to it and mused on possible links to structures on the moor. Continuing down, a trio ascending considerately attached their dog’s lead. At the bottom, we turned onto the leafy road for an easy walk back. The trio with the dog re-appeared and asked for directions to town. Near home, we chatted to my old art teacher. He’d had a family holiday in Cornwall the previous week. Postponed from last year, they’d had a good time but found it impossible to eat out in the evenings. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Placesⁱⁱ).

On another quiet night, I struggled to sleep. My mind full of the day’s findings, I recalled a neighbour once told us the whole town was surrounded by a stone circle. Was it true? Was that why we kept finding mysterious stones? It would be awesome if so – like the mythical Wiltshire village of Avebury!

95% of over 50’s now vaccinated, Margaret Keenan looked forward to a jolly. Covid passports promised soon, she could go to desperado Spain and wear a mask on the beach. The Cabinet Office were probing the source of the leaky texts between Boris and Dyson. Labour wanted a Commons Liaison Committee enquiry. The Good Law Project court hearing on PPE scams unveiled a VIP route to the PM. Civil Servants had complained of drowning in a quagmire of contract requests that didn’t pass due diligence. Hapless drug dealer Ali Hilmi was hilariously convicted after trying to get into the Projekt Nightclub, Burnley with fake £20 notes that said Poond. Phil discovered they could be bought on Amazon but had sold out. The misspellings harked back to the daft spelling society campaign, but the English pronunciation was Pownd, wasn’t it? Maybe he was Scottish, like Les McKeown of the Bay City Rollers who died suddenly.

The English Saint

Woken again by engineering work Friday morning, I battled heavy limbs and a headache for a trip to the co-op, luckily quiet and stressless. I took a break from writing in the afternoon to embark on a ‘deep clean’ of the bathroom, expunging mould from the back window and evicting a family of spiders from beneath the back cupboard. Through the open window, I heard a child calling “pappa!” Not even the English middle-class used that word. They must have been proper posh! I suspected they might be slumming it in a camper van recently parked up on the street below. That evening, we spotted the shed people returning from a game of golf – no-one knew why that was a popular pastime!

Local news wished us happy St. George’s Day. Rather pointlessly, seeing as no special events were allowed and he wasn’t even English. Some sage bods said vaccines did a lot of the ‘heavy lifting’ so we could forgo face-masks over summer but may need them come autumn. 1 dose of AZ or Pfizer gave 74% protection according to the latest study, while the EU planned to sue AZ over ‘contract failure’. The PAC inquiry into supply chain financing revealed that Camoron bombarded BOE gov John Cunliffe with letters. Treasury PS Tom Scholar said he arranged 9 meetings with Charles Roxburgh as it was ‘natural’ to talk to an ex-PM. ONS figures showed the public deficit was 14.5% in the last fiscal year, the highest since 1946. A computer chip shortage caused by people working at home halted car production. Post Masters were acquitted of theft convictions as crap Fujitsu Horizon computers were proven to be responsible for discrepancies. Having covered up the scandal for years, and not telling the accused they weren’t alone, former PO chief Paula Vennells belatedly apologised, resigning from her roles on the boards of Morrisons and Dunelm and as a church minister.

Getting clean clothes out Saturday morning, a drawer in the fitted cupboard collapsed. Annoyed at taking everything out to find the cardi I wanted wasn’t even there, I bad-temperedly hurled woollens on the bed and covered them with a dust sheet before Phil fixed the offending article with glue and screws. It seemed a good time to wash bedroom rugs and I hung them outside to take advantage of fine, breezy weather. Young student neighbour appeared, seemingly overdressed but denied being hot. She was returning to uni soon. Due to royal charter, Cambridge had special term-times over which the government had no authority. I popped to the co-op for a couple of items to find the shelves stripped of salads and dips. Maybe everyone was having barbecues to belatedly celebrate the not-English patron saint. Next-Door-But One’s fella waited for me to come back up the steps. Conversing for the first time ever, he turned out to be even more neurotic than me about the effectiveness of vaccines and said the whole household had shielded and not even entered a shop for over a year. I didn’t mention spotting them going places in the car. Young Student came by and declared “I’m off to the pub,” marking a dramatic change in attitude. Maybe she believed herd immunity was now sufficient to protect us oldies. I scrubbed the bathroom floor and installed the newly-tiled cube, then set about upcycling an old Ikea table. Found a couple of years ago, the garish pink thing spent a summer outside until it became warped in the rain. After some bodging, it occupied a corner of the living room, covered with a cloth. More fixing required, Phil got the glue and screws back out. I considered tiling the top for outdoor use but calculated I’d need loads and decided painting would be easier. By then, my back ached and I’d had enough so.

Fallout from the fast-failing Euro Super League continued. Pundits from across Europe on Football Focus said football wasn’t viewed the same on the continent. To them, it was just 90 minutes whereas the English saw the game as essential to life. Apparent that rich owners didn’t understand its cultural importance, player and fan involvement was seen as the only way forward. Former PM Gordy Brown called the episode a turning point, after which “people will not support greed.”

In spite of backache, Phil consented to a Sunday forage. Pretty sure the garlic patch our Walking Friend mentioned was the place we visited a year ago, we climbed up the ridge. I tried to trace likely lines of the fabled stone circle surrounding town. “But why would anyone bother?” asked Phil, “it was a muddy bog in ancient times.” “Good point.” In the dark wood, we found the crop larger than last April, but top leaves looked dusty. We each filled a bag and rested on a mossy rock beside a twisty path and walked between gnarly trees to arrive at a path last trodden in autumn. Now both flagging with back pain, we had to stop again on the way home. I began to give the leaves a thoroughly good rinse to find Phil’s haul full of grit and left it for him to tackle. Over coffee and cake, I came up with a haiga based on Thursday’s walkⁱⁱⁱ.

Whingeing on the Marr about Brexit, Sturgeon promised no border if Scotland became independent – well, we all knew how well that went in Ireland! The Indian crisis worsened: the number of infections broke the world record 4 days in a row, hospitals ran out of oxygen and Modi was blamed for slow vaccine roll-out even though they made loads. Stephen Reicher criticised a group of ‘siren scientists’ calling for lifting of measures while in Germany, restrictions would last ‘til June. Anti-lockdown demos in London were attended by mayoral candidate and all-round wanker Lawrence Fox. Clashes led to 2 cop injuries and 5 arrests. Hard to figure what they hoped to achieve with lockdown almost over, on Jeremy Vine the next morning, Beverly Swivel-insisted protestors acted responsibly unlike pub-goers in Soho – I rest my case!

The Scumbag reported to be the Chatty Rat who leaked the Bumbler/Dyson texts, he denied it. He also refuted claims he’d leaked full details of lockdown mark 2 before the official announcement, via a WhatsApp message from Downing Street and accused Boris of wanting to stop an ‘embarrassing’ inquiry into the real source. Boris phoned news bosses to sprag on his former spin doctor, a move destined to backfire. Allegations that The Bumbler used tory donors to pay for renovations to his flat were dismissed by Liz Truss as ‘tittle-tattle’. She was more concerned with trade deals than this petty stuff. Apparently Carrie Antionette insisted on a revamp after Theresa May left ‘a John Lewis nightmare’. Most people considering John Lewis upmarket, not to mention it smacked of yet another piece in the cronyism jigsaw, the comments showed how out of touch they really were. Barry Sheerman joked on twitter: “A good news story at last!”

The night quiet but bright with an almost-full moon, I revelled in a semi-stupor until I fell into a deep slumber only to wake 2 hours later with snippets of dreams flitting through my mind.

References:

i. The Spelling Society: https://www.spellingsociety.org/; http://spellingsociety.org/uploaded_views/traditional-spelling-revised-personal-view.pdf

ii. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 58 – Splits and Fits

“There are hazards in everything one does, but there are greater hazards in doing nothing” (Shirley Williams)

Rishi Frit

Another tedious few days bedridden with severe fatigue coincided with the warmest and sunniest week of the year so far. Unable to contact friends or get out of the house, my mood plummeted. But I kept occupied writing until head fug took over, and managed small chores, with Phil’s help.

Kids back at school in all 4 UK nations, the second stage of the ‘waymark’ for England saw hairdressers, beer gardens (some since midnight), and non-essential shops (with extended hours up to 10 p.m.) re-opening as well as zoos, gyms and domestic self-catering. 2 designated visitors were allowed in care homes, and we could go to Wales but would find gyms and pubs shut. On the day that Shirley Williams, famous for splitting from labour as part of the gang of 4 died, an emergency toadying session in the commons fawned over the dead duke. The Bumbler forewent a pint to appear with a haircut. A record number of Covid cases and deaths marked a huge surge in India (177,150 fatalities – the second highest in the world). This didn’t deter people attending the Kumbh Mela festival on the Ganges or Boris from planning a trade mission. Nor did a new ‘variant of concern’. B1.617 bore 2 mutations on the spike protein possibly making vaccines less effective. 77 case were found in Britain. Duante Wright was the latest black person to be killed by US police, 10 miles from the trial of Chauvin in Minnesota. The trigger-happy cop, Kimberley Ann Potter, claimed it was ‘a mistake’; she’d meant to use her taser not her gun. How on earth could she get them mixed up?

As I settled down to sleep, it seemed very quiet for the first pub drinking day since December, when I heard a few people staggering back. Fortunately, they didn’t linger.

Unfortunately, canal engineering works started soon after 8 Tuesday. I tried to ignore the racket and though still very achy and tired, performed a few stretches then had to get back in bed and stayed there all day. Reading at night, I couldn’t keep my eyes open and fell asleep despite continuous droning outside only to wake a few minutes later, when it stopped.

The top 9 priority groups now all offered a jab, 94% of over 50’s and 92% of the clinically vulnerable had one. 45-49 year olds were invited next. The central booking website promptly crashed. Somewhat mitigating the predicted shortage, the Moderna vaccine was rolled out but approval for Janssen was delayed over blood clot concerns. While revellers swarmed in Soho and an 82 year old woman got fined for partying, Boris said immunisation did a great job although coming out of lockdown would inevitably mean more deaths. Universities were told they couldn’t re-start face-to-face teaching until the next waymark of 17^th May; 6 weeks before the end of the academic year – what a waste of time! Sturgeon confirmed freedom to travel and some outdoor mixing for Scotland from Friday. As it emerged the former head of procurement Bill Crothers became a Greensill adviser while still a senior civil servant, Rishi Rich sent junior minister Paul Scully to face the commons to predictably say it was all above board. Rishi was accused of being ‘frit’.

Fits and Starts

Slightly improved Wednesday, I managed 10 minutes exercise and a few small chores. Energy sapped, I got back in bed to write and watch telly. The Bumbler’s’ hair already a mess 2 days since the barbers, PMQs was dominated by the Camoron scandal. After former premier Gordon Brown said ex-PMs shouldn’t lobby for commercial organisations (at least for 5 years), labour called for a full review instead of the wishy-washy inquiry Boris had promised. Led by Nigel Boardman, the same lawyer who advised on loosening lobbying laws, Keir complained it wouldn’t even look at the rules and was indicative of cronyism: “(there is) a revolving door, indeed an open door, between the conservative government and paid lobbying…The Greensill scandal is just the tip of the iceberg…Dodgy contracts, privileged access, jobs for their mates, this is the return of tory sleaze…The more I listen…the more I think Ted Hastings and AC-12 is needed to get to the bottom of this one.” The Bumbler deflected with: “we’re getting on with rooting out bent coppers,” and went on about labour killing the police bill. The Speaker said he should at least answer the question on opposing the labour motion to widen the probe. He refused, but a plethora of enquiries were later announced.

It subsequently emerged Camoron had discussions with the head of NHSX for a Greensill contract to provide a dodgy app allowing access to patients’ personal details. And mainstream news eventually picked up on another cronyism story revealed by Guido Fawkes. Topwood Limited, in which The Cock owned 15% of shares and his sister Emily Gilruth and mum Shirley Carter (off Eastenders) happened to run, was on the framework for NHS contracts. They were contracted by NHS Wales to shred documents.

Referring to Boris asking the Supreme Court to see if Holyrood went beyond its powers by incorporating the UN convention on the Rights of the Child and the European Charter of local self-government into Scottish law, Ian Blackford had a fit over plans to take them to court over children’s rights.

So-called ‘quiet time’ severely hampered by noisy canal works and pissed off being stuck indoors during gorgeous weather, I cheered up with a laugh over people’s excitement at going out drinking and barbecuing. I suggested Phil go and “sizzle a sausage. Or better yet, nick one someone else has sizzled. You could be the barbecue bandit!”

The Kent Virus was found to spread more but not be more severe or lead to more long Covid. Prof Harnden of JCVI warned: “…we all want to enjoy ourselves again, but we must be cautious and do this slowly. Otherwise we’ll get back to square one.” The Oxford Vaccine Group started trials using different vaccines for first and second doses. Open to anyone over 50 who’d had a first jab and willing to travel to a regional site, Phil looked set to go until it transpired he’d have to go to Hull.

Too wobbly for exercise Thursday morning, I made a big effort to bathe and expunge dust from the bedroom before working on my novel for the first time in months. I did quite well until I had to stop with head fug. Depression deepening at missing the sunshine, I consoled myself that at least I wasn’t mingling with face-lickers in beer gardens!

As SA surge testing started in the London areas of Lambeth, Wandsworth, Southwark and Finchley, Gethin Jones isolated at home and appeared via zoom on Morning Live from a very nice kitchen. With 4000,000 Covid victims hospitalised last year, the NHS waiting list stood at 4.7m but 2m had been treated during the ‘winter wave’. DHSC consulted on mandatory vaccines for elderly care home staff, while the EHRC said Covid Passes had the “potential for discrimination, or for infringement of civil liberties…and the creation of a 2 tier society whereby only certain groups are able to fully enjoy their rights.”

Sweden had the second highest infection rate in Europe but lower death rates (1.7 compared to the Euro average of 4.3 per day). Citing the vaccine barrier, I reflected hardly any Europeans had had one. Carolyn Harris brought forward a bill to force an MP vote on the NHS 1% wage rise and Lord Frost went to Brussels to talk about NI border checks – I wished them both lots of luck!

The QT panel were asked ‘should lobbying be illegal?’ Labour MP Rosie Duffield said it had its uses, Bernard Jenkins didn’t defend fellow tories, saying later in the week the scandal risked dismantling the ‘blue wall’. An erstwhile civil servant in the audience reminded us of The Nolan Committee’s Standards in Public Life. In her day, she was scared to have a cuppa and a biscuit when visiting companies. Now, businessmen who didn’t understand the culture were parachuted in. In any other profession, they’d be sacked. Self-styled right-wing comedian Geoff Norcott admitted he ‘held his nose’ when voting conservative. So why did you, I asked on twitter, to no reply. It was time he split from his misguided working class tory mates!

Awful droning (which I decided was a generator) presaged another terrible night. Trying various distraction techniques, I eventually dropped into a fitful sleep with an earplug in one ear and the meditation soundtrack in the other.

Hissy Fits

Feeling dreadful after hardly any kip, I forced myself to rouse Friday morning and removed the earplug when the horrendous noise started up again! My head set to split, I burst into tears: “I can’t stand it anymore! I’m hardly getting any sleep with that that din. It’s ruining my life!” At a loss what to do, Phil suggested a cuppa would help. “Yes, it might!” I retorted more sharply than necessary and hid under the covers. More fatigued and depressed than ever, I made a big effort to get washed and half-dressed before picking up the laptop. Despite the racket, we opened the bedroom window to let the fresh spring air in.

7 reviews into the Camoron affair imminent, I googled news sites, becoming confused at their similar remits.*

Venturing downstairs for lunch, Phil gave me a big hug and advised I sit out in the sun. “I can’t face having to interact with anybody. If we had a private garden, I would.” I stayed in the living room awhile then went back up, cleaned the bathroom and collapsed on the bed with exhaustion while he went to the co-op. Having ceased earlier in the afternoon, the loud works recommenced as my head hit the pillow. During evening telly, we guffawed at an ad where a woman appeared to jump on piles of landfill. “If we set up a website called landfill.com, would people still buy plastic crap they didn’t need?” “Yes! “Let’s do it”

With 1.6m cases per week, the WHO said there’d been 1m Covid deaths in Europe, but were cut by 30% among the over 80’s because of vaccines. The R rate down to 0.7-1, the ONS estimated the virus affected 1:480 people in England; the lowest since September. It decreased even more in the other 3 UK nations.

I fell asleep quickly that night only to wake a couple of hours later, assailed by various disturbances. To top it all, the engineering works kicked off at 8 o’clock Saturday morning I tossed and turned with both ears plugged but it was useless. Two nights of hardly any sleep did nothing to improve my fatigue or mood. Sunny and warm again, by the time we’d bathed and breakfasted half the day was gone. Phil declared he was going out. Knowing I’d be even more depressed indoors on my own, I strove to make myself presentable and headed out with him. A flimsy barrier topped with flowers outside the flats – presumably a sop by the developers to the unrelenting hissy fits of the local action group – looked pathetic.

We took the picturesque route to the small clough to find makeshift firepits in new clearings, delicate flowers and fungi in various states of decay, providing inspiration for my weekly haiga.ⁱ A woman sat on a bench reading. Chatting as we past, I suddenly realised we were disturbing the peace and shut up for a while. Tiny fish shone in the low waters. Birds flitted in treetops and dipped in the waterfall. A small heap of stones seemingly marked the grave of a small animal (a beloved pet or a wood dweller?) A small patch of wild garlic exuded pungency. “I’ll just pick a bit for tonight’s curry.” “You sound like a right Guardianista!” Phil giggled.

The change of scenery prompted us to reflect on the state of things. Less anxious a month after our first jabs, I wanted assurance on the reduced risk of severe Covid. Phil explained the maths. I couldn’t follow it all but got the gist. Nevertheless, as we walked home, the sight of swarms on the opposite side of the old bridge made me glad we’d avoided the town centre. Seating sprawled from a new cocktail bar along the pedestrianised street to accommodate drinking hordes. Far too busy for my liking!

Expecting respite that night, the generator kicked in at 2.30 a.m. With the help of earplugs and because I was dead tired, I slept regardless. Sunday morning, buzzing of a different kind emanated from behind the bedroom curtains. Unable to see what it was, I kept them drawn. Phil investigated to find a bee. Of course, it obediently went outside straight away due to his ‘bee whispering’ skills! Useless George appeared on the Marr to defend Camoron. Politics North provided details on the powers of the West Yorks metro mayor whom we’d be voting for in May. “It could be quite good as long as they’re not from Leeds and forget about the rest of the county. There’ll be stiff e-mails about local buses!” I predicted.

Unsure what to do on a bright but hazy day, I opted for DIY. The paint I applied a year ago to a bathroom storage cube was already flaking off and I decided to top it with tiles. It took an hour to rummage in the coal hole for the materials and equipment, strip the flaky paint and resurrect solidified tile adhesive, before the fun bit of sticking the tiles on which took 5 minutes. Phil went to town for baccy and returned with yet another camera from the charity shop. Back in time to help mix the adhesive, I shooed him away from usurping my project to play music. Cleaning up afterwards took almost as long as the prep. Feeling grimy I went up early for a bath. Phil came up after watching footie with news of a Euro super league, set to become a big story over the next few days.

Crowded pubs over the weekend incredulously led to debate on whether youngsters should be offered jabs in preference to older folk. Reportedly only 23% of hospitality was open, as eateries struggled with outside seating, even though councils allowed tables to straddle pavements and even streets. Witnessed in our small town, Leeds and Soho took it to ludicrous levels, judging by media images. As Oxford university were starting a second ‘human challenge’ trial on young people, I suggested they could just send them to the pub! The Events Research Programme (ERP) trialled spectators at the boring snooker and FA cup semi-finals. In France, only 1.25% of cops and teachers took up the offer of an AZ vaccine. A centre planned to be open all weekend, shut 1 p.m. Saturday due to lack of takers. Macron was blamed for his irresponsible comments and urged to launch a publicity campaign to boost take-up.

Settling down that night, the droning recommenced. Even the earplugs and meditation soundtrack combo failed to block it out allowing only a few fractious hours’ sleep.

*The 7 reviews and inquiries sparked by the Camoron lobbying scandal, as far as I could tell:

Boardman inquiry- so-called independent inquiry into the role of Lex Greensill as an adviser, use of supply chain finance and lobbying efforts of Greensill. May also investigate how Bill Crothers could work for Greensill while still a civil servant
Treasury Select Committee – ‘on the regulatory lessons from the failure of Greensill Capital and the appropriateness of HM Treasury’s response to lobbying …’
-Public Admin and Constitutional Affairs Committee (PACAQ) – into ‘the topical matters around Greensill’. A focus on lobbying regulations and civil service rules. Dubbed ‘The AC-12 of Whitehall’
Public Accounts Committee – into supply chain financing and how Covid loans were offered to companies
Committee on Standards in Public Life – into the ‘the institutions, procedures and policies in place to uphold high standards of conduct’. Likely to propose policy changes
Cabinet Office review of the Lobbying Act
Simon Case double jobs review – all senior civil servants to declare outside jobs/roles that may conflict with their work.

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 54 – Have Vax, Don’t Travel

“I squarely believe we ought to be trading liberally around the world. If we restrict it to countries with ECHR-level standards of human rights, we’re not going to do many trade deals with the growth markets of the future” (Dominic Raab)

Dodgy Manoeuvres

After posting blogs Monday, I read updates from the researcher explaining why she’d been quiet lately. I offered to provide a guest post for her blog and reiterated a willingness to be interviewed. I started drafting the next instalment of the journal when the window cleaner rapped loudly at the door. On sitting back down, we were disturbed again; by texts from our GP surgery, offering more local vaccine appointments. Booking for 2 days hence, I cancelled my slot at the regional centre (not as easy as you’d think) but how did they know I wasn’t double-booked? A trip to the co-op involved dodging loitering teenagers near the entrance and an uncomfortably close hippy. Phil cleaned the living room while I was out. After sorting groceries, I collapsed gratefully on a freshened sofa.

Cases of the SA variant led to surge testing in the London areas of Camberwell, Southwark and Harrow. A suspected link to blood clots found in Norway, the list of countries suspending use of AZ grew to an epidemic from Denmark to Thailand. The WHO, EMA and MHRA all assured us there was no connection. Prof. Pollard said: “if we have no vaccination and we come out of lockdown in this country, we will expect tens of thousands of more deaths…a number of countries around Europe are now seeing an increase in cases.” One year on from the start of the pandemic, MP’s reported the government didn’t act early enough – no shit Sherlock! A record 74 protestors were killed in Myanmar while here, a second demo aimed at The Met took place at Parliament Square but Boris backed Chief Dick. The Crime and Justice Taskforce promised an extra £20m for street lighting and CCTV. The Police Bill* giving more powers to cops to stop protests due in parliament. Labour planned to oppose it for being ‘poorly thought out’ and containing lots on statues and hardly anything on protecting women. Rape cases not tried on merit, the court of appeal defended the ‘bookie’ system.

The EU instigated formal legal action over the UK’s ‘grace period’ decision. As a letter to government complained allowing shops to open before hospitality was unfair, Phil discovered pubs were fully booked from 12^th April indoors and 17^th May outdoors for up to 10 weeks. Puzzled, I pointed out “by then it will be August and they should all be open anyway, if there aren’t any blocks in the stupid road map. And how do punters know if they’ll need a Covid Pass or not?”

Overnight, I fretted over our pending jabs and possible blood clots. A chat with Phil Tuesday morning dispelled some anxiety. “The EU have blown it totally out of proportion – nowt to do with Brexit!” A couple of days later, the EMA confirmed there was no link between AZ and thrombosis. But the questionably political manoeuvres had already done damage to Europe’s vaccine plans.

A rainy night led to a grey start, becoming warm and sunny later. After a series of morning chores and tedious life admin, I took advantage of the lovely afternoon to clear dead growth from the garden, surrounded by the sounds of tweety birds as flocks of crows flew over. Decorating neighbour wandered up and down the street, complaining of bad parking and his broken down car. “The geese are coming,” he intoned, “I’ve just seen them on the corner.” “They do like having a wander,” I replied, “even the Canada Geese are doing it now.” “Yes, I’ve noticed that. They’re very tasty. I had one in Canada.” “Well, there’s nothing to stop you eating these ones.” As he looked bemused, I assured him it was perfectly legal. The elderly couple embarked on an afternoon stroll, pausing to compare health notes. I informed them Phil was photographing birds at the riverside to add to his current project but he could have stayed home for that. Sweeping up detritus, I thought I’d dodged dog poo but irritatingly got some on my shoes. By the time I’d cleaned it off, I was exhausted and slumped on the sofa.

On the anniversary of the first daily plague briefing, a survey found half the population still didn’t wash their hands after going shopping and disgustingly more bacteria on kettle handles, remote controls and door knobs than on toilets! Despite profit losses, Greggs still planned to open 100 new shops, ‘entering empty spaces with low rent’; I.e., capitalising on the demise of rival high street traders.

An inquest into the actual cause of Sarah Everard’s death would open on Thursday and Wayne Couzens’ court date was set for October. Prince Philip emerged from a month in hospital, resembling Monty Burns from The Simpsons.

A year-long study culminating in the ‘most comprehensive’ (and possibly the most long-windedly titled) defence review since the cold war, was presented in the commons. The ‘Integrated Review of Security, Defence, Development and Foreign Policy’ shifted focus to the Indo-Pacific region as ‘increasingly the geopolitical centre of the world’, muted an increase in nuclear warheads, a cyber force move to the North West (likely the shiny GCHQ building in Manchester) and a counter-terrorism operations centre – asserting the main threats were from Islamist, Northern Irish, far-right, far-left and anarchist terrorists. A lifetime since the Angry Brigades, I wondered did they mean the anti-5g-ers? I knew no anarchists who bought into that nonsense but thinking back to my youth, there were conspiracy-theorists in the mix who ironically failed to grasp the basic concept of the capitalist conspiracy.

Lightning Speed

I set the alarm for 8.00 a.m. Wednesday but woke at 8.20 to the drone of canal work. The radio volume too low, I was glad of the interminable workmen for once! We left the house in good time and laughed at temperamental geese on the church lawn behind the bus-stop. In the next town, we scooted round the market and scoffed pasties from the bakers stall. 2 people loitered outside a locked health centre. Nipping in Boots for emergency mouthwash, I waited ages to be served as the staff were all gassing. Coming out, I found an actual queue. Phil in the middle of the carpark on his phone, hadn’t saved a place. It took a couple of minutes for people to cotton on when the centre’s doors opened at 1 o’clock, but the process soon sped up. Our appointments a ½ hour apart, reception let us proceed together, to wait on adjacent coloured lines. In the small room, an HCA checked my details until the doctor arrived. I told her I was unnerved by the blood clot scare. She mouthed platitudes, fired out some questions then snapped: “are you having it or what?” “Well, I’m here now.” After the lightning-quick injection, I followed lines to the back door, waiting in a patch of sun while Phil donned his layers. “I feel odd,” he said, “but it might be psychological.” “Me too.” I remarked: “the injection is so speedy you could jab people without them knowing. And the needle is too tiny for a chip.” He giggled at the idea of going round stabbing hippies. “The latest claim is it contains water.” “What’s the point of that?” “To kill gammons.” “Thousands would be dead already if that was true.” In Lidl, Phil started to feel worse so we headed over to the bus-stop. I was thankful for my face-covering on the bus where a mask-less, reeking man dropped his butty on the floor, picked it up and ate it – ugh!

Shopping sorted, we had a cuppa and sugary snack to make up for lack of a lolly (or sticker, for that matter). Dozing on the sofa, I was unsure if the fatigue was a side-effect of AZ or from the trip which would tire me anyway. Cleaning the bathroom, I discovered the back window covered in black mould, only a year since I decorated! Phil struggled to eat dinner, feeling nauseous and spaced out. I said “it’s a common side effect to have a touch of the flu.” Although it was only the first dose and would be a while until protection kicked in, I felt psychologically better but the jabbed arm ached at bed-time. I took ibuprofen and shifted around to prevent putting pressure on it.

Our efforts added to a total of 25m inoculations to date. Rabid Raab gave the plague briefing to warn of reduced supplies until the end April and no new appointments after 31^st March. Phil worried we wouldn’t get our second one. “I’m sure they’ll have factored that in.” Adolf Von De Leyen again threatened to block exports to countries with higher coverage rates than the EU, i.e., the UK. Hazarding that may be the cause of the shortage, the official line was a batch ordered from an AZ factory in India wasn’t coming. The Scumbag appeared before the S&T committee to claim the mess at the start of the pandemic was because DHSC was a ‘smoking ruin’. He took credit for the vaccine success as along with Prof. Valance, he’d urged Boris to take it out of the hands of civil servants (whom he hated) and set up a separate Taskforce. All hail Dominic! (sic). Downing Street defended the DHSC for establishing ‘one of the biggest diagnostic networks in UK history’ and procurement efforts. It was hard to determine who told the worst whoppers. Referring to Aria (Advanced Research and Invention Agency) with a £800m budget to invest in ‘high risk, high reward’ projects, The Scumbag said it needed ‘extreme freedom’ to act with no ‘horrific bureaucracy’ of procurement or Treasury rules. Not to mention it would mean his mates could get more dosh! Nasty Patel’s proposal to send asylum seekers awaiting a decision offshore was branded heartless and inhumane. Processing centres muted on the IOM, IOW and Gibraltar, they said no way, but allegedly Turkey agreed to it. Liverpudlians celebrated St. Patricks Day with an illegal bash in Sefton Park.

Although recording misogyny as a hate crime was a welcome move, the £45m for Project Vigilante to keep women safe in bars was derided by Jess Philips as cops ‘in skinny jeans’ Reclaim These Streets said it didn’t tackle ‘institutional problems of misogyny and racism’. While the European Commission discussed their Covid pass, P&O would require confirmation of 2 jabs from patrons. Sailing round the UK coast with no ports of call, it really was a Brexit Island cruise! They could at least make stops at interesting docks like Goole and Tilbury. Uber announced all employees would get the minimum wage, holiday pay and pensions. Mick Rix, GMB said it: “…opens the door for…better pay and conditions at companies across the gig economy.” But the TUC wanted it to go further; without full employment rights, there wasn’t parity.

Waking at 8 on Thursday, I railed ‘why didn’t that happen yesterday?’ I completed the 2021 census on-line. Postponed in Scotland until 2022, it seemed an odd time to do it. Allegedly used to plan public services, with everyone working at home, they’d probably conclude we didn’t need any. Prof. Danny Dorling of Oxford University said it would show up inequalities made stark by the pandemic. After lunch, I went to the co-op and managed not to get stressed despite half-empty shelves and screeching kids. On the way back I came across German Friend hoovering her car and stopped to chat. Vaccinated last week, she also suffered an achy arm. Classed vulnerable, she’d indignantly rang the GP to complain of not having it sooner and to get a local appointment. She told me a mutual friend was doing well a year after a serious operation and the friend’s daughter enjoyed her new job as assistant manager at a new supermarket in the next town. Telling me she met up with a couple of pub mates weekly, I took a breath before asking “are you a bubble?” “Sort of. Well, we’re all elderly.” “Piss off! You’re the same age as me!” We shared gripes on the travails in Europe affecting relatives, coffee-cuppers, conspiracy-theorists and tourists infesting the place. Taking my leave, shed boy and lass hovered on their doorstep. I gave them a wide berth. Still ailing, Phil took an extended siesta but had more of an appetite at dinner.

2 days previously, Huff post reported on a leaked q&a session with FCDO staff, wherein Rabid Raab suggested trade deals were more important than human rights (see quote above). Lisa Nandy said “it is the latest example of a government entirely devoid of a moral compass and riddled with inconsistency; happy to say one thing in public and another behind closed doors” In the commons, Rees-Moggy claimed the comments had been “shockingly distorted by low-quality journalism.” Huff Post called it a blatant use of parliamentary privilege, defaming the journalist who was unable to sue.

No stranger to libel cases, Ian Hislop said on QT that the EU’s stance on vaccine nationalism was ‘embarrassing’ for remainers like him and Jess Philips was flummoxed by actions that endangered their own people. On tackling violence against women, Minister for Safeguarding Thicky Atkins recited a list of crappy measures to which Jess Philips replied you couldn’t just have one meeting and say it was sorted, and she could have told them what to do 10 years ago. Hislop observed we’d never again believe it when the government told us there’s no money: “why can’t we have it all?” Discussing the defence review, Ian and Jess found it a strange time to increase stockpiles of WMD when the biggest threat was cyber. As a Scot living near Faslane, Kirsten Oswald, SNP, was not happy. Thicky Atkins hilariously replied hi-tech work also took place but we didn’t know about the cyber force because they ‘work in secret.’ Splutter!

Monochrome Walk

Doing exercises Friday morning I skipped those with too much arm movement. Phil still experienced flu-like symptoms but bravely soldiered on. I spent the morning on the computer and headed to town in the afternoon. Stopping on the steps to take photos of daffodils, I checked nobody was coming up but didn’t spot a woman patiently wating at the bottom. I apologised but she assured me it was no bother. Hurrying down to the junction, a couple rounding the corner looked like they were about to speak to me. I hesitated not wanting to get close, when they indicated carrier bags I’d dropped in my haste. Across the road, a crocodile of small kids streamed out of school. In Boots to collect an order, I swerved a meandering couple and retreated to the windowfront to decant the delivery. A member of staff helpfully took the box away for me. I rushed through a busy square and detoured across the less-populous old bridge to find dinky narcissi nestled at the bottom of a stone wall. Trying to rest later, shed boy annoyingly conversed loudly outside for a full 10 minutes before getting in his car. In the evening, I had a funny turn. Sudden pains and a hot arm sent me into a panic. I told myself it was a hot flush, then felt really spacey. As my heart rate increased, I tried to calm down with steady breathing. Phil assured me I’d be fine. I was, but still perturbed, I speculated on anti-bodies kicking in.

In the midst of a third wave, European countries went into lockdown including Poland and Italy, but some re-started use of AZ, including French PM Jean Castex. Prof. Pollard called it: “…reassuring…we’re not really in a battle with each other or the vaccine, we’re battling a ruthless killer that within the European Union has killed 6000,000 people in the past year.” Excess deaths among over 65’s up 7.7% in 2020, the UK was second only to Bulgaria. PHE research found travel corridors were to blame for rate rises late summer. Prof. Ferguson said the SA variant needed to be kept at bay and would be the focus of modified vaccines next winter while Oliver Dowdy hinted at Covid Passes for events with big crowds such as the FA cup final.

Saturday marked the spring solstice but was cold and grey. I cooked and attempted another creation in Photoshop. Phil went to the shop, to see the contents of the hippy co-op pub drinking tinnies on the riverside among the coffee-cuppers. He also came across an old friend, looking healthy since losing a lot of weight. She’d also had the vaccine but was hesitant about attending the local club’s re-opening night in May. “I don’t blame her. I might never go there again!””

26m, half the adult UK population, now had one dose of vaccine. Amidst ‘legal uncertainty’ creating a fiasco at the Sarah Everard vigil, 60 MPs wrote a letter about the right to protest. The government insisted it was illegal but would be allowed from 29^th March as ‘small gatherings’. Mike Tildsley warned foreign summer holidays were still unlikely as Grant Shats told us they’d decide at a Global Travel Taskforce in April.

We consulted world maps to locate the highest number of vaccinations (Israel, UEA, UK, Serbia, with the USA catching up) and the lowest infection rates (NZ, Australia, and most dot islands apart from the Virgin Islands – remember that?) Commercial breaks full of holiday ads, I said “for Australia fair enough, but Turkey!!! Rates are going up and only yesterday, we were told going there this summer is unlikely. Jet2 and Turkish Airlines should be banned for encouraging and misleading people.”

Starting bright, Sunday soon reverted to grey. In need of fresh air, we walked west on the renewed towpath to the basin. My attempts to emulate Phil’s geese portraits were hit and miss but I got a few decent shots of flowers, reflections, barge features and small streets. A sheep’s head adorned by a pentagram inspired my next haigaⁱ while a monochrome terrace got a record number of likes on Instagram. Returning partly on roadway, I popped in the co-op where my mate at the kiosk whinged about ‘bloody tourists’.

On the Marr, Defence Sec Ben Wally said he hadn’t booked a holiday this year. He wouldn’t comment much on the defence ‘command paper’ before publication but claimed people voted for an increase in nuclear warheads. Err, no we didn’t! Asked about a surveillance ship being built to protect undersea cables, we speculated they could be used to find mines dumped in the sea after WW2, before building the bridge to Northern Ireland.

A peaceful Kill the Bill demo in Bristol turned violent. Cop shops were besieged, vans set alight, 20 bobbies injured and 7 protestors arrested. Nasty Patel called it “Thuggery” while the mayor said it didn’t represent the city.

* Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 48 – Groundhog Day

“I smile in the morning. I live without a care. Nothing is denied me. And nothing ever hurts” ((Iggy Pop)

Walk Like A Penguin

Sinusitis and depression dragging on, I stayed abed during the week, managing spells downstairs for food and to watch the big telly. Most of the time, I wrote and posted blogs, wrestled with Photoshop, read and rested. Monday afternoon, I lay down with a novel pain in my temples and slept for half an hour, making me woozy and disorientated in the gloaming. While Phil cooked omelette for dinner, I logged on to Ocado. There were absolutely no delivery slots at all, into the foreseeable. Yet they persisted in sending interminable e-mails telling me to buy stuff. I would if I could, you idiots!

Boris went to Batley and hinted at a gradual easing of lockdown in time for summer hols, while Cock briefed us on the SA variant circulating in specific communities. Urgent door-to-door testing commenced in Hanwell, Tottenham, Mitcham (all London), Walsall (West Mids.), Broxbourne (South Herts), Maidstone (Kent), Woking (Surrey), and Southport (Merseyside).

Still ill Tuesday, the irony of it being Groundhog Day wasn’t lost on me. Also Candlemas, I hoped the proponents of medieval custom had finally taken down their Christmas decorations. Proper snow fell overnight. Despite the cold, I opened the window to take photos of the magical scene. The laptop stubbornly refused to read the camera’s SD card. Hearing me swear, Phil took it out without checking programmes, the laptop crashed. I got annoyed and ranted until he let me restart the machine. This worked, but took an age to reboot. Much later, I stitched a panorama and shared a snap of a fat snowperson that kids had built on the street below, then turned to writing. He left me in peace to go for a walk. However, he didn’t get very far as drizzle melted ground-lying snow into a slushy mess. “Everyone’s walking round like penguins in treacle. You’re better off looking at it from here.” Settling down for an afternoon snooze, I had a sneezing fit, followed by a niggly nose and a headache. Pissed off that I felt worse again, I gave up and played puzzles.

National hero Sir Captain Tom Moore died after being in hospital with Covid since Sunday. Not vaccinated due to pneumonia, he’d visited Barbados for Christmas thanks to a free BA flight – was that the cause?

Latest AstraZeneca tests discovered their vaccine might reduce transmission of coronavirus as well as severe illness. The E484K mutation was found in the Kent, Brazil and SA variants. Bristol and Liverpool were added to areas for door-to-door testing. Uni Minister Michelle Ding-dong told locals to stay home all the time, exercise indoors and asked, ‘do you really need to go to the shops?’ You do if you can’t get an Ocado slot, you moron! Sage bod Andy Hayward said we needed a ‘sustainable strategy’ for dealing with future mutants but didn’t suggest what.

Yorkshire schools and vax centres were shut due to snow. Peter Keely (PHE for Yorks & Humber), said 2,0011 cases per 100,00 as opposed to 2,080 nationally proved lockdown and immunisation were working.

In Israel, huge funerals prompted accusations of not being touch enough as infections and deaths still rose despite the mass vax prog. Following the introduction of virus arse tests in China accompanied by graphic instructions, a spoof video of people walking like penguins went viral.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink put a chip in a monkey so it could play video games. He really was like an evil cartoon villain!

By Wednesday morning, half the snow had gone, overtaken by cold drizzle. The day sped past with me writing and Phil doing his ‘tiny work’. PMQs began with a minute’s silence for Captain Tom. The Bumbler asked us to join in a clap for him that evening, but I heard no applause. He lauded the Valneva vaccine and made no apology to Ian Blackford for going to Scotland last week, even though a Covid outbreak at the Livingstone factory a day before his visit was confirmed. Keir diverted from Corona questions to ask about cladding; 3.5 years since the Grenfell tragedy, 700,000 people still lived in dangerous tower blocks at an astronomical cost.

Late afternoon, Phil went to the coop, returning with the wrong coffee again – they really should make the decaff pack more distinctive for the partially sighted. Meanwhile, I tried to do some budgeting but it made my head fuggy. On a second attempt the next day, I realised all the money in my cash ISA had been used by the bank to pay fees- thieving bastards! I was not relishing the predicted return of Austerity Britain after the Covid crisis, when benefits would most likely be hit first. Meanwhile, Phil’s gig economy earnings hit a record high due to answering all those questions on why Shitterstock wasn’t working!

Afternoon rest irritatingly disturbed by the sound of chainsaws ricocheting across the valley, I wondered which trees were getting the chop this time? After coffee, I revived enough to enjoy dinner and Prime viewing downstairs. I retired to watch the news and highlights of the Leeds United match. Phil complained it was rubbish because they lost, but: “at least there were goals.” Laughing, I observed: “the pundits agree. They called it ‘a typical Leeds game’ (attack, attack, attack!)” “Yep, they’ve really shaken things up haven’t they?”

It’s Great Being A Tory

With 10m inoculations, Chief Med bod Chris Witless briefed we were ‘past the peak’ but the infection rate was still high. Mini Macron reiterated the view that the AZ vaccine was ‘quasi-ineffective’ on the over 65’s, to criticism from Number 10 aides for spreading disinformation. He admitted the success of the Chinese was ‘humiliating’ for Europe and it seemed the EU might approve their Sinovac and the Russian Sputnik V (proven to be 91% effective). With evidence the AZ jab reduced transmission, sage Prof. Andrew Pollard of the Oxford Vaccination Group promised new ones to fight future variants by autumn. Dr. Chris Smith from Cambridge Uni informed Daily Politics that similar mutations in different strains was due to the virus ‘optimising changes’ and said the vaccines’ suppression so far was ‘reassuring’ but didn’t mean they would continue to be so.

Ryanair’s jab n go ads were banned by the ASA as misleading and irresponsible.

Dildo Harding told the Commons Science & Technology Committee that 20,000 out of 100,00 TIT contacts a day failed to self-isolate. Jeremy C**t said there was a ‘gaping hole’ in financial support, and shadow minister Justin Madder pressed the government to do something about it.

The Dildo also claimed no-one could have foreseen mutations, to bemused raised eyebrows.

Alexei Navalny was given 2.5 years in jail for breaching Russian parole when in a German hospital recovering from novichok poisoning administered by Russians. A military coup in Myanmar put Aung San Suu Kyi under house arrest – the charge of possessing illegal walkie-talkies a blatant ruse to criminalise her and render her ineligible to be leader.

The snow almost all melted Thursday,the snowperson in the street below still hung on as nasty damp fog hung in the valley. Expecting Dr. Xand on Morning Live to talk about new symptoms associated with variants including a headache and runny nose, he gave sketchy details. I fretted about having Covid. But after chatting to Phil, I became less concerned and we turned to discussing the idiocy of thickie Dildo saying mutations couldn’t be foreseen. “She only knows about horses.” “So why is she in that job?” “It’s great being a tory, as Iggy Pop observed.” With me still bedridden, I sent Phil to the market for fresh fish and toiletries including bog roll. Not our usual brand, at least they had some. In the post-shop cleansing, even I thought washing binbags went a tad too far! The tree-felling racket returned during the afternoon, putting paid to any proper rest. Why did they always start up so late in the day?

New figures showed 1:7 Brits had coronavirus, 1:5 in London. Trials on using different brands for 1^st and 2^nd shots started – genius or Frankenstein science? Tin-foiler Piers Corbyn was arrested for distributing leaflets of his own design comparing the vaccination rollout to Auschwitz. Good grief!

With dither over quarantine for ‘red list’ countries, Oliver Dowdy refused to confirm the reported date of 15^th Feb. Rob Paterson of Best Western criticised the delay, saying he’d be out of a job if he announced a strategy with no plan. As NI ructions rumbled all week, incendiary graffiti and attacks on border staff created concern. Stark contrasts between the DUP and Sinn Fein views threatened the peace. The UK government asked the EU to intervene but what were they meant to do? Boris agreed to the stupid deal! The Black Farmer on QT sensibly said the decision on whether to be inoculated was down to ‘hope or fear’. But he sounded stupid when he confessed to voting for Brexit and didn’t regret it even with personal experience of importing issues and parroted the government’s daft ‘niggles’ argument. German VC Olaf Sloshed called Ursula’s inoculation procurement strategy ‘a disgrace’ saying she did “a really shit job…(we mustn’t) let this shit repeat itself.” While Casa Cruz was saved from closure as a ‘community asset’, Rita Ora jetted off to Australia for The Voice. If only the selfish cow was flying to a red list country! As Santander’s profit drop led to planned branch and staff losses, Andrew Bailey of BoE forecast the economy to ‘bounce back’ in the 3^rd quarter of 2021 due to vaccines and holiday spending. He obviously hadn’t spoken to Shatts! Demanding the release of Suu Kyi, Rabid Raab said: “we condemn the detention and charges…(and) consulting with international partners on next steps.” UN SG Antonio Gueterres vowed they would do all they could “to mobilise the international community to put enough pressure on… (so) the coup failed.”

The Sound of Mucous

The outside world looked fuzzy with fog Friday morning. Woken by noisy traffic at 6.50, I struggled to get back to sleep. Sinus symptoms abated except the interminable phlegm, allying plague fears, but I remained extremely fatigued and achy. Phil’s back issue flared up again. I thought it might be because I made him go to the market the previous day but he dismissed the idea. “The bags weren’t heavy.” “That’s not the point. It’s carrying rucksacks.” While he soaked in a radox bath and rallied for the customary trip to buy weekend wine, I started work on another secret Photoshop collage. The Metro evening edition featured a video of the oldest fruit bat in the world. Aged 32, it had 1 eye, frayed wings and was spoilt rotten!

The R rate now 0.7-1.0, Boris promised a ‘precise timeline’ on lifting lockdown in the road map due 15^th Feb. The Cock pledged the top 9 priority groups encompassing the over 50’s would be immunised by May which equated to almost half the population. Some moaned of moving goalposts and Jeremy Vine discussed the criteria. When everyone was inoculated? A swivel-head rang in to say just take vitamins. Dr. Sarah was not impressed. More trials of the AZ vaccine found it may reduce transmission and was effective on the Kent virus. Prof. Pollard said data: “indicate that (it) not only protects against the original pandemic virus but also protects against the novel variant B117, which caused the surge…(at) the end of 2020 across the UK.” Possibly only providing limited protection against mild illness from the SA strain, it did protect against severe sickness. Scientists promised a modified version by autumn. The government hedged their bets, doing a deal with German pharma Curevac for adaptations.

The actor Christopher Plummer died, aged 91. His famous quote about the beloved film he was most known for but hated, ‘The Sound of Mucous’, felt appropriate as I disgorged another pile of phlegm.

Vastly improved on Saturday, I managed a whole day out of bed. Humungous drops of rain, sometimes sleety, fell out of the sky, a bit like my snot. We stayed in watching telly films. Still suffering from backache, Phil rested in bed early evening while I cooked curry. The tikka paste which I made from scratch for the first time ever, was jolly good if I say so myself, but the grinding made my back ache, albeit not as bad as his. That night, I tossed and turned for hours, only sleeping in snatches. Waking to find sheets rolled into a ball, I gave up, opened the curtains, almost fell over and lay back down. Phil had a similar experience, barely sleeping due to pain.

Both achy and knackered, Sunday started badly. We observed miniscule snowflakes floating past the window. Dying for some fresh air after being housebound so long, it was icily cold so we stayed indoors. I worked on collages and blogs.

He took Solpadol for his back pain and turned silly. “You’ve been on them happy pixie pills haven’t you?” I admonished tongue-in-cheek. He just giggled. It was nice to see him laugh through the pain!

Shots per minute reached 1,000 for an hour on Saturday leading to a total of 12m. Ageing rocker Shakin’ Stevens was seen getting his.

Richard Burnett of RHA* said exports slumped 68% in January due to Brexit red tape and trucks returned to Europe empty. The government, dismissive as ever, insisted everything was great. 5 unrelated stabbings in Croydon made a total of 13 in London over the weekend, 2 of them fatal. A bigger tragedy unfolded in Uttarakhand, Northern India where a glacier slid into a dam. Dozens were missing or dead including 50 dam workers.

Part 47 – Silly Games

“There’s no endgame that sees one country succeeding in controlling the virus while the rest of the world is dealing with rampant spread” (Salim Abdool Karim)

Peaky Jabbers

Exhausted by insomnia Monday morning, I forced myself up and opened the curtains to a sparkling scene of a thin coat of snow and dazzling sun. Briefly forgetting my woes, I said we should go for a walk, after the essential tasks.

Taking rubbish out, an icy wind blew into my face. I decided it was too cold for walking. The window cleaner’s hose was wrapped round our dustbin to stop people tripping on the steps. As he emerged from the higher terrace opposite, we chatted awhile. A load of crap dumped in the bin required fishing out with biodegrading rubber gloves and a stick, risking frostbite or worse. By the time I’d cleaned up after the horrid job, it was 2 o’clock and my previous enthusiasm was overtaken by malaise. Outdoor plans scrapped, I worked on the journal and aimed to do yoga but time ran away with me again. It was one of those days…

32 new vaccine sites included The Black Country Living Museum used as a film set for Peaky Blinders. “Peaky Jabbers!” I quipped, though the chances of Cillian Murphy turning up were slim. ONS figures showed that during 2020, manual workers suffered the most deaths from Covid-19, especially in production, security, chefs, and drivers (men), retail & wholesale, carers and social workers (women). The TUC said workplace fatalities were ‘vastly unreported’. The RMT, headteachers, prisons, posties and shopworkers clamoured to be prioritised for immunisation. The Covid Operations Committee, aka COC, met to decide on tighter border controls and quarantine hotels.

Ever the populist, a day after Matt Cock said it was too early, Boris hinted at easing lockdown after vulnerable groups were inoculated. Mark Harper of CRG called for slackening by early March, starting with schools. Already sick to death of media coverage on the impact of school closures, teenagers on Newsnight moaning that it was ‘weally hard’ wore down my sympathy for the younger generation. As if not attending class was the worst thing ever with hospitals full and people dying!

The last 12,000 jobs at Debenhams would go as Boohoo were buying the brand and website but not the shops. Later acquiring Dorothy Perkins, Wallis and Burtons, and Asos about to purchase Topshop, Topman, Miss Selfridge and HIT, it could be the end of Arcadia on the hight street, apart from possibly the flagship Oxford Street Topshop store.

NGS-SA, a consortium of medics looking into the South African variant, found 23 mutations, of which 20 caused amino acid changes and 8 were in the spike protein. These allowed greater transmission and replication in the host, leading to quicker spread. With some evidence of more resistance to natural antibodies, they said it was ‘likely’ vaccines would still work, subject to further research.

Tuesday proved even worse than Monday. In the damp monochrome afternoon, I set off for Boots. A woman crouched down to finger practically every item on the shelf, selfishly blocking the aisle, until I politely asked her to shift for me to grab mouthwash. I collected my online order from the cash-desk and retreated to decant items from the unwieldy box into my rucksack. Vials spilled out of a hair dye carton, hazardously undone. Now in a bad mood, I considered skipping the grocery shop but persevered. Kids running haphazardly in the congested co-op aisles made me swear. Swerving contact, I sped round for essentials but paused when I saw a product recall notice for seafood we got at Christmas, making a note to return it. At the kiosk I asked to speak to a manager. When he appeared, I explained my angst at the busyness of the shopfloor. Rather than an apology for the stress caused let alone any thanks for bringing the matter to his attention, he defensively said: “we can’t watch the floor all the time.” Fuming, I stormed out. Back home, I took toiletries up to the bathroom, got washed and collapsed on the sofa. Relating the obstacle course to Phil, he said: “it’s those essential coffee-cup worker kids coming out of school, obvs.” “Yes but why did they have someone on the door during the first lockdown to limit numbers and not now? And why do those middle class coffee-cuppers still think they are special?” It made me think again about the hubris of some, when everyone was in the same boat (apart from celebs). He kindly sorted the groceries so I could go for a rest, but my mind whirred, still perturbed by the shopping experience. And while there were less comings and goings on the street below, I was disturbed when shed boy returned in his rickety van from no-doubt essential building work (sic). Reflecting on the trials of the past 2 days, I reasoned at least the errands were done leaving time to do something more enjoyable midweek. In the evening, a fine fog swirled smoke-like beneath the streetlamps.

Dicing with Death

UK official deaths doubled in 2 months to reach the grim milestone of 100,000, a 3^rd of them care home residents. The highest in Europe, only the US, Brazil, India and Mexico had worse stats. Sage bod Calum Semple predicted another 50k fatalities before the pandemic ‘burns out’. Keir, self-isolating for a third time, called it a ‘national tragedy’ and trolled out the old ‘behind the curve at every stage’ line. Appearing at the briefing, The Bumbler apologised and said he took full responsibility – sorry my arse! And to think that on this date in 2020, positive tests numbered 50. Oh, halcyon days! On a more positive note, over 7m now had the vax and hospital admissions were the lowest since New Year, but there were still more in-patients on ventilators than ever.

200,000 job losses Sept-Nov 2020 led to a 5-year unemployment record of 5% (1.72m). It would have been much worse without furlough, currently supporting 2.4m posts, down from the May peak of 8.9m, when firms shed staff before it was extended. Business leaders urged a re-extension of the scheme in Rishi’s March budget.

Rising on Wednesday, I immediately felt wobbly with a clogged nose and had to get back in bed. Pissed off after only 3 days up and about and reluctant to submit to a relapse, my depression reached a new low. I told myself I wasn’t missing much as the weather stayed grey, belying the forecast for an improvement. I hoped the debilitation would be short-lived this time but alas, it proved not to be. While I wrote on the laptop, Phil cleaned and shopped.

A week after escaping the floods, the Wockhardt factory was evacuated after a suspicious package required the deployment of bomb disposal. A Chatham man later arrested for sending the parcel, we weren’t told if it was actually a bomb. The Bumbler briefed the nation that 8^th March was the earliest date for school re-opening and promised a plan to come out of lockdown week beginning 22^nd Feb, dependent on vaccine progress, hospital admissions and fatalities. Patel finally said going on holiday was illegal and berated social media influencers sun-bathing in Dubai and skiers heading for Kings Cross. Travellers from certain countries would be bussed to Covid hotels, paying £1,500 for 10 days quarantine. The ‘red list’ due to come into force next Friday, included South America, Southern Africa, Portugal, UAE and some dot islands. Best Western’s UK CEO Rob Paterson said the chain could quickly sweep into action, but later expressed dismay at the lack of firm plans. Was he that rare animal – a businessman who wasn’t in league with the tories?

A virtual Keir appeared at PMQs to repeat’ slow, slow, slow’. He asked: why was the UK death toll the highest in Europe? why did quarantine only apply to certain countries? and why weren’t all inbound travellers tested and quarantined immediately? Keir slapped down an evasive Boris for trolling out the worn-out insults, said he had ‘no plan’ and pleaded for the urgent inoculation of keyworkers. This time able to ask both questions, Ian Blackford berated Boris for not ‘following the science’ as he claimed and called for financial certainty on furlough and UC: “stop the dithering and delays!” Des Swayne MP (not seen on the green benches) told an anti-lockdown group that stats on the virus “appear to have been manipulated.” Scolded by the tory chair, Angela Rayner demanded stronger action.

After a week of anti-curfew rioting in the Netherlands, businesses were boarded up and at least 180 arrested. Fires were lit in the streets of Amsterdam and Den Hague. No surprise to me, having previously experienced hair-raising New Year trips! One of their favourite pastimes seemed to be setting fire to cars. Pfizer found their vaccine effective against the SA variant while Moderna developed a booster for theirs. Chair of the SA coronavirus advisory panel, Salim Abdool Karim said: “no-one is safe until everyone is safe…There’s no endgame that sees one country succeeding in controlling the virus while the rest of the world is dealing with rampant spread…we all need to stand together.” Prof. Tulio De Oliviera, the scientist who discovered the variant added that travel restrictions were futile: “I find it almost silly…trying to block a country, because we know how fast this virus spreads and in how many places.” He called on governments to avoid ‘virus nationalism’ and apply broad quarantine rules to all international travellers.

A good night’s sleep aside, I still felt ill on Thursday. I spent all day in bed writing my novel and collaging. Phil spent all day on the phone telling people Shutterstock wasn’t working. The problem persisting into the following week, at least it was earning the dollars.

Paperchase

In the face of criticism on slow rollout and angry at Astra-Zeneca limiting supplies to the EU, the European Commission had threatened vaccine controls. Nads Zahawi played down fears imports of Pfizer would be blocked, saying 367m were on order from different sources. EU health commissioner Stella Keryakides said: “we reject the notion of first come first served.” Set to approve the AZ vax Friday, Germans found ‘insufficient data’ of effectiveness on the over 65’s. Nads dismissed the claims. AZ boss Pascal Soriot advised the UK was doing right delaying the second jab 12 weeks and bragged that all over 50’s would be immunised by the end of February. Wading into the kerfuffle, Sturgeon threatened to give supply figures to Europe (already available in the form of ‘spin’). She also criticised Boris for visiting the Valneva lab in Livingston north of the border, maker of yet another vaccine. Meanwhile, Novavax planned to make 60m doses in Teesside. Almost 90% effective on the Kent virus and 60% on the SA variant, it was set to be the 4^th vaccine to gain approval.

With an upward trend since Christmas week, police had so far issued 42,000 fines, 80% to 18-39 year olds and 250 for mass gatherings including 2 organisers of the Woodhouse Moor snowball fight. “Why no fines for Londoners sledging on Primrose Hill?” I asked. “Because they weren’t Leeds chavs,” replied Phil. “We were told it was students.” “I doubt it. Not dressed like that.” Clients escaped from a police raid via the fire exit from the Euphoria salon in Cwmbran. The owner was fined £1k, Casa Cruz got a £5k fine for Rita Ora’s birthday bash but she escaped sanctions herself. The disproportionality was striking.

The issue of ‘vaccine nationalism’ discussed on QT, we were reminded of the EU land border on the island of Ireland. Was there actually a good side to Brexit? “I’ve always said the EU is just a giant pile of coffee-cuppers,” declared Phil. The problems of getting a bunch of nations to agree manifest, maybe the UK government was right to appoint a venture capitalist to head up a taskforce, thus delegating the job to a non-politician.

And oft-derided investors saved the Paperchase chain, including many of the chain’s high street shops.

On a nondescript Friday, I initially felt better after a good sleep, but my sinus symptoms soon returned. Resigned to bedrest, I continued work on the secret collage, wishing I’d never started, or used paper rather than Photoshop. It was so fiddly cutting round those pixels! Phil went to the co-op for a ‘freezer filler’ of pizza and garlic bread. Again, we didn’t drink too much wine while watching films but overnight, I had two dreams like movie plots. The first resembled a crap cheap sci-fi with Mars cop robots. The second featured WW1 soldiers as sooty ghosts. Relating them to Phil, I complained: “we watch too many sci-fi and war films”. “It’s good for your imagination,” he countered, “WW1 gets in your head.” We thought there might be some mileage in the latter idea.

1 year since the first UK case of coronavirus arose in York, paper books chosen for genre or colour rather than content, sold ‘by the yard’ to fill shelves in zoom backgrounds. The Janssen vaccine showed 60% effectiveness after 1 dose, including on the SA variant. Prof. Paul Heath, leader of the Novavax trial, said the technology existed to deal with new strains with the possibility of ‘bivalent’ vaccines. The EMU approved the Astra-Zeneca vax for all adults, despite German claims of ineffectiveness on OAPs. Aiming to stop exports from Europe until the end of March, Brussels introduced more paperwork in the form of a ‘vaccine export transparency mechanism’ and planned to invoke Article 16 to stop product crossing from ROI to NI. After condemnation from London, Belfast and Dublin for breaking the Brexit agreement, it was hastily withdrawn. Arlene Foster called it “an incredible act of hostility.” Playing silly beggars, more like!

Over the weekend, I stayed mainly in bed spending far too long on the collage, making my head ache but I eventually finished it. Brighter on Sunday, we remarked on the noticeable change in light over the last few days, even when grey. Phil visited the nearby clough to report it totally sodden. Poaching overripe pears for dessert made my back ache and my mood plummet. Cheered by the tasty fruit and ice cream, I sat up to watch telly after dinner but had a mediocre sleep.

A record 600k jabs on Saturday brought the total to 9 million. Discussing overstocks going to less fortunate countries, shadow minister Rachel Reeves said the UK should inoculate its own vulnerable people first – very socialist, I’m sure! Her erstwhile boss Tony Blair waded into the paperwork row, admonishing the EU for being ‘foolish’. Macron defied speculation on another lockdown, shutting France’s shopping malls and non-EU borders instead. Across Russia, protests in support of Alexei Navalny involved dancing on ice and brandishing golden bog brushes – a reference to the Black Sea mansion allegedly owned by Putin. Liz Truss negotiated to join the Comprehensive & progressive Trans-Pacific Partnership (C&PT-PP). Emily Thornberry wondered why the country spent over 4 years leaving one trading bloc to join another. Fun and games!

Reference:

i. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

Part 45 – Hope Springs Eternal

“Because of lack of moral principle, human life becomes worthless. Moral principle, truthfulness, is a key factor. If we lose that, then there is no future”(Dalia Lama)

One Day of Spring

A wakeful night led to oversleeping. The tedious round of Monday chores and blog-posting done, I dashed to the co-op as a nasty curtain of fine rain careened down the valley. The amount of traffic still noticeable, I wondered who was actually sticking to the rules?

Ministers repeated warnings of tougher measures without saying what. The public urged to keep exercise local, Boris cycled 7 miles to the Olympic park – was that local? Told not to stop and chat on walks or have picnics, The Cock couldn’t say if drinking coffee was allowed. On Newsnight, an ex-health minister pleaded for a cessation of the coffee culture which encouraged longer walks and clustering round cafes. Sage bod Prof. Stephen Reicher suggested halting non-essential building work in residential properties.

Paperwork and butties became big Brexit issues. Bewilderment abounded that not being in the single market resulted in more bureaucracy. Daily Mail gammons were incensed by scenes of Dutch border officers confiscating a trucker’s sandwich, quipping: “Welcome to the Brexit.” It beggared belief that the idiots who voted for it were up in arms at the consequences!

Tuesday, I rose woozy with a scratchy throat, but not feeling ill, I persisted with exercise and housework. The day a dry and bright interlude, we went for a walk, via the bakers for portable sustenance. I stood in a warm patch of sun while Phil queued. Already past lunchtime, I would have eaten on the spot if the square weren’t so busy. A hard climb took us to the beautiful wooded road last visited in autumn, then down a squelchy path to the Working Man’s Club.

Among taped-up picnic tables, 2 rough benches stood several metres apart. A pair of men picnicked on one, we sat to wolf down the comestibles on the other. After discussing options, we crossed the oddly frozen small bridge. With no ice elsewhere, a fellow walker commented on the noticeably icier feeling. On the narrow road, we dodged motorists and runners to peer through fencing at the demolished dye works and eyed fat sheep looking fit to burst. Taking the riverside path for the last stretch, early catkins heralded spring and a twee figurine of a shepherd bizarrely nestled in a tree stump. Nearer town, people buzzed around old worksheds: “it must be essential art, ha, ha!”

We came across our walking friends. “We’re not talking to you, cos it’s illegal” I Joked. “We’ve just had a picnic,” she confessed. “So have we,” I whispered conspiratorially, “well, a pasty.” We had a laugh at the ludicrous rules on being able to buy coffee all over the place but not eat al fresco and being allowed to exercise but not recreate. “So don’t be enjoying your walks from now on!” I asked her how things were at work. “Okay. I’ve got a week off and planned a walk every day but the weather forecast is crap.” “Yeah, arctic conditions are set to return. But we won’t be meeting up will we?” Back home, it felt like we’d had a proper walk which was good, but it didn’t help my night-time sleep. (For a fuller description of the walk, see Cool Places.ⁱ)

Up to November 2020, the UK had 85,000 more excess deaths than the previous 5 year average, the most since WWII. Taking population growth and ‘age-standardised mortality’ into account, the rate remained the highest since 2008. Chris Hopkins told the commons H&SC committee that the virus peak wouldn’t come until February as those currently dying were infected before December. Supermarkets got stricter on mask-wearing while a new treatment for Covid patients, Interferon Beta, was trialled at Hull Royal Infirmary and Joan Bakewell sued the government over the delay in getting her second Pfizer dose. 28 UK regions weren’t receiving mail as posties were off sick or self-isolating while families got food parcels instead of vouchers.

Marcus Rashford joined the complaints and photo shares showing the shocking quality. Unsurprisingly, they were distributed by Chartwells, part of The Compass Group, the largest food conglomerate on the globe. CEO Dom Blakemore was a major Conservative Party donor – more money for rich tory chums!

Foul outdoors as predicted Wednesday, we stayed in. I was hoovering when the very early Ocado driver arrived, saying some deliveries were cancelled because of icy roads. Badly packed in the carriers (annoyingly not taken back again), I could hardly lift some of them and reported a couple of damaged items. As I unpacked, sticky stuff irksomely adhered to my clothes. Phil came down to help and started larking about. I got more annoyed, declared I needed a break, and stormed off. I calmed down with a coffee and we both settled to work in the living room. Phil spotted a heron on the small mill roof. The phone pictures I took through the window were beyond crap. Top wildlife photographer strikes again! During my siesta, I was unable to rest. The pattern repeated that night, I looked out the window. Myriad lights shone from houses across the valley – what were they doing at that time of night? The pitter patter of rain eventually lulled me to sleep.

Although Covid-19 cases fell to 15,000, a new daily record of 1,564 deaths occurred. Temporary mortuaries grew, the latest in Ruislip set to open at the end of the week. Prof. Van Dam fulfilled his promise, immunising old folk at the Nottingham hub and furloughed EasyJet staff were ‘fast-tracked’ to help out. The Sturgeon used the old ‘spirit of the law’ mantra to announce tighter controls in Scotland around drinking outdoors, click ‘n’ collect and working at home. Closing a so-called ’stay at home loophole’, Scots leaving the house for an essential reason couldn’t do anything else while out. Did it mean they couldn’t take a photo on a walk or stop to look at sheep? Another new variant, similar to the Kent Virus but unconnected, was identified in Brazil. Yvette Coop quizzed Boris on current measures to stop it entering the UK. Answer: negative testing. The next day, a travel ban was announced for South America, Panama, Cabo Verde and Portugal, except for hauliers and ex-pats who had to self-isolate for 10 days. At PMQs, Keir reminded everyone: “He (the PM) told us…there was no need for ‘endless lockdowns’ and no need to change the rules about Christmas mixing…since the last PMQs, 17,000 people have died of Covid, 60,000 have been admitted to hospital and there have been over 1m new cases.” On round the clock jabs, The Bumbler promised 24 hour vaccinations as soon as supplies allowed. He admitted the food parcels were terrible. The Salesman said the voucher system would return next week, as would testing for primary school staff while parents were encouraged to test their kids. He had ‘no intention’ of closing nurseries (watch this space!) Ahead of an Ofqual consultation, imminent BTEC written exams were scrapped and externally-set tests for GCSE and A levels to augment teacher assessments, were muted.

Snowflakes and Sociopaths

The rain turned to snow in the early hours of Thursday, falling all day with varying degrees of stickiness. I managed a few exercises and changed the bedding before submitting to the sinus lurgy and getting back into bed. Phil brought the Laptop up so I could work on the journal but I mainly dossed.

A PHE study showed immunity from coronavirus after 5 months but evidence it could still be transmitted. Oldham council immunised the homeless. Dr. Chauhan canvassed the government for the strategy to be a national priority. Nasty Patel got the rules wrong for the second time in a week. Previously saying outdoor recreation was allowed, she now incorrectly said you could only exercise alone. Fish rotted due to what Useless George called Brexit ‘teething issues’. Scottish fishers demanded compo. In the commons, Rees-Moggy told SNP MP Tommy Sheppard: “the government is tackling the issue and the key thing is we’ve got our fish back. They’re now British fish…better and happier fish for it.” What a moron!

Merlina the queen raven, missing from the Tower of London since before Christmas, was feared dead after likely foraging due to a lack of bread-bearing tourists. If 2 more flew off, the kingdom would fall but Ravenmaster Chris Scaife assured us there was a spare. Snow slowed jabbing of the elderly on a day of snow madness. Leeds students were berated for having a mass snowball fight on Woodhouse Moor, a stream of cars navigated the tricky sloping bend opposite, Halifax buses skidded, traffic jammed on a treacherous Sutton Bank and a 3 mph car chase ended in the slowest crash ever when a codger with a frozen windscreen ran into a traffic cone. The utterly selfish and inconsiderate behaviour beggared belief in the perilous conditions, unless essential and risked diverting over-stretched emergency services. Subsequent arrests involved people from different households driving over the Pennines for take-away fried chicken and snow-viewing.

The weak Friday sun struggled behind blankets of freezing fog, blazed bright for a few hours then picturesquely peaked through trees mid-afternoon. Still bed-ridden and unable to enjoy the outdoors, I took slightly more successful window photos and wrote ‘Midwinter Spring’ for ‘Cool Places’. Yet another daft Microsoft update required re-starting the laptop. At least it didn’t take all day like the last one. Phil succeeded in getting salad items from the co-op but I became light-headed waiting for him to bring lunch and would have fallen down if I weren’t already supine. In the evening, I dossed on the sofa to binge-watch 3 episodes of Britannia II– an irresistible mix of historical fact and utter nonsense! We also discussed virus fears. Worried by the current situation, Phil assured me the vaccine would save us. But how many would refuse it, for a plethora of spurious reasons? I optimistically cited posts by Vegan Friend, saying it was for the greater good, notwithstanding the irony of protesting against Pfizer for animal testing!

Boris briefed us on the end of travel corridors from 4.00 a.m. Monday. Norwegian Air scrapped long-haul flights from Gatwick, only flying across Norway and to key European destinations – nowt to do with Brexit! WHO scientists arrived in Wuhan to investigate the start of the outbreak. 2 of the 13 stayed in Singapore after testing positive, the rest in quarantine for a fortnight. A day after Debenhams announced the closure of 6 outlets including the flagship Oxford Street store, Whitbread confirmed 1,5000 jobs had gone and Primark were set to lose 1bn in profits. The Torygraph was forced to publish a correction to a ‘misleading column’ written by right-wing sociopath Toby Young in July, saying the common cold provided immunity to Covid-19. His latest tweet whinged about being attacked in London for his anti-lockdown stance. Phil said: “They’re always snowflakes those types. If they were more like Alan B’stard I might have some respect for them.”*

Remaining poorly over the weekend, I wrote and sketched. Phil ventured out in Saturday’s melting snow for fresh air and exercise, reporting the town centre less busy but people coffee-cupping in a cave under the nearby climbing rocks! In the evening, I had an alarming nosebleed. A regular feature of my sinusitis, this one didn’t stop for ages. We concurred it was due to using those awful steroid nasal sprays in the past. Sunday night, I hardly slept at all. Traffic could still be heard at 3.00 a.m., headlamps like searchlights penetrating the curtains. Yet again, I wondered what the f**k was going on!

India used Covishield and Covaxin in the world’s largest ‘inoculation drive’. The LA death rate rose to 8 per minute. Biden promised 100m ‘shots in the arm’ in 100 days and 12,000 a day by next week, in ‘operation warp speed’. Covid jabs in the UK hit 3.8m, averaging 140 per 60 seconds, but there was a hospital admission every 30 seconds. Phil Spector died in prison. Officially of natural causes, he’d reportedly had Covid for 4 weeks.

Sociopath anti-lockdowner Lord Sumpter appeared on The Big Questions. He told cancer podcaster Deborah James her life was ‘worth less’ than others. At least he got challenged by a disabled person calling him out for eugenics which made a change. The themes of snowflakes and sociopaths continued into the following week…

*Note – Alan B’stard was the main character in the satire ‘The New Statesman’ played by the legendary Rik Mayall.

References:

i. My Cool Places blog: https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

ii. My haigas: https://wordpress.com/posts/mondaymorninghaiga.wordpress.com

The Corvus Diaries

A Journal of the Coronavirus

India